#614 - New York Circus

was even bad in America.

You know, I'm not home a lot.

You know, I can't keep a plant alive at the moment.

But when I am home, my bedroom is like my sanctuary, you know, it's it's a sacred spot for sleep.

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them.

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Okay.

Happy October.

That's where we are today.

Good to be here with you here in the fall.

We are pretty much into the fall now as the calendar, you start to fall off the end of the year.

And then just bam, you just land right there in Santa's arms over there

around December 25th, baby.

That's where we at.

I got some new glass.

I did get some new glasses, I guess.

They're new to me.

I don't know.

I'm sure they weren't used or whatever.

They're B plus, I guess.

My thing, my vision is B plus

B12.

What is it?

I don't know.

They're pretty good, I guess.

It helps me read.

I didn't know I needed glasses, you know?

And then I guess, I don't know if I was in like a dark restaurant or whatever.

Next thing you know, I'm at the eye shop and

I got these bitches, baby.

And so I'm enjoying them, I think.

I will say this.

I don't know.

I can't, some people I can't see anymore.

So it's kind of,

I'm not saying these things are making racial choices for me, but they're definitely,

these things don't want to get a good look at everybody, you know?

So I may have to mail them back.

I'm not sure.

But I'm running on about an eight foot radius or whatever, 12 foot radius may be in these.

So

if you want, you know, get close if you need me, you know?

But yeah, because I fucking, dude, I was, my short sight was getting kind of rocky.

You know, I'd go in for a hug and I'd miss that bitch.

I'd be like, damn,

you'd go in a hug, somebody and hug the wrong person.

You're like, who's that?

You know, that's somebody's damn husband or something.

You know, you don't even, you know, you go in to hug a decent woman and you end up over there,

you know, and you just up near some man's neck or something.

It just, so I think getting your visual is important.

And so that's kind of what I'm,

I guess, doing.

I got to get,

yeah, I think these bitches are B or

B plus.

I don't know what I got to I got to look at the

package or whatever.

I got these bitches online.

They came.

They just wrote the size of them on the back or something.

I think it was like 38, 42 or something.

I don't know.

I got to look and see.

I got a fucking kind of a big head.

What else?

Thank you guys for being here.

The circus is coming to town.

I just saw that.

I don't know if there's any circus lovers, but the circus is back.

You know, and when I was a child, the circus was a big thing.

You know, you had a couple times throughout the year, you'd get this little ticket at school, and it'd say on its circus at the top.

And it'd say like Willie's circus, you know, or risky Rick's

circus, you know.

And it would say like, admit one just on this ticket.

You could get it anywhere.

So they were just giving out free tickets, you know?

And it would be like this pet and zoo fucking rocks it would say or something like that on the back or where pet and zoos go to fuck it would say shit like you're like that's that's a lot um

but it was a big deal back then

when the circus came

because you'd see them setting up in that big top that tent

and they'd wheel all animals in there

And some of the animals, they'd been through a lot.

They'd look like they'd maybe just gotten back from war or something, War II or something.

You know, they'd, some of them miss in an ear,

you know, have a fake ear.

You know, they'd have an elephant, but then one of his ears, they'd have just two, you know, they'd put a damn potted plant in the hole over there, and you'd have a damn elephant ear plant growing out of the side.

You know,

and they'd paint that bitch gray over there.

You'd see a guy on a ladder just painting that elephant, you know, just painting a big plant ear gray, just trying to line it all up.

And they put a big bow tie on him.

Call him Big Ginger or whatever.

Spray paint red red hair on his back there you know it was just you know you you'd see a giraffe but that bitch had a short neck on him you're like god you'd see a damn giraffe he was four foot four and that bitch was just you know pissed too

pissed it almost look like if you tickled him the right way his neck would just

just

you know get to the right size you know he was just like that wide neck remember that fella wide neck that was running around he was a um

kind of an african-american like running back that only played drugs or whatever.

Like, you know what I'm saying?

He didn't have a sport.

And that was the circus and it meant something.

You were excited about it.

And you'd talk about it at school and you'd go over there.

And I just saw the flyer.

They had a new one.

It's called the circus.

It's like a,

it kind of looked like a, like a cirque de sole, like a cirque de sole circus kind of,

you know, a, it just looked like a, um, like a rave for children kind of.

You know, they had a couple damn drones drones out there you know palantir just shooting popcorn in the kids mouths and stuff just you know it had a different sort of etiquette to it

and i don't even know if they had any animals they had a couple of kind of gender neutral dudes just kind of whistling in each other's mouths type of deal you know they had a blind fella just kind of just singing fret again lyrics and stuff it's just gotten very uh progressive it feels like the circus you know they used to have real animals you'd go out there you'd see a couple monkeys out there there.

And you're over there, and one of them would be smalking for you.

And you'd get you 50 cents over there.

Go visit that smalking monkey.

See if he'll ash on your mama's back, you know, or something.

And they had long arms.

They'd ash on a ash in a baby carriage or something like that.

It was, you know, it was more involved.

They let the animals live a little.

You know, and they used to have real lions, too.

Back then they had real lions.

Now you got a couple, you got a couple of hardy women over there wearing Aiden Hutchinson jerseys, you know, and just complaining that their breasts are too big.

Now they got a gluten-free concession stand.

Peanut allergies.

They got that.

So it's, you know,

back in the day, they had a dude.

You would find a dude at the circus with a peanut allergy.

They would find that dude.

They would give him a couple handfuls of peanuts and then send that bitch running through a ring of fire, baby.

While people in the crowd sang, for those about to rock.

Now it's just, they find a dude with a peanut allergy, right?

They put him in a hazmat suit.

They have him run and jump through a ring of peanuts into his two mother's arms.

So it's, I'm just saying, yeah, it's just a different time, man.

It's just a different time.

And that's what time does.

It It keeps making things different, doesn't it?

Man, time does not like to wear the same outfit, baby.

That's the truth.

Time likes to, uh,

time likes every minute just freshly ironed, baby, right out the package.

Time is just, you know, it's just, it likes to feel brand new, baby.

But God, that circus was fun.

You go over there.

And sometimes some of the circus workers, they just set themselves on fire and just collect damn workman's comp right there, right in front of you.

Fuck.

People would cheer and just damn, just, you know, God and just pray.

So yeah, it was just a different time, man.

That's the circus.

That's the circus.

It's back.

And

we had a circus last week in New York, in New York City.

And I want to talk about that.

I want to just go through it because there's like a lot of stuff out there, speculation and all of that.

And I want to just get super clear on it, right?

Because I think a lot of people

don't know like what went on.

And it wasn't that crazy what went on.

And I wish it was going to be a more exciting story, but I just want to,

yeah, I just want to share with you kind of

what happened, I guess.

And I don't want to make it a big deal, but I think,

but I do want to like just kind of go into it, right?

You know, so mental health is important to me, right?

It's important to me.

We talk about that kind of stuff on here a lot.

And

hold on.

And yeah, it's like it's a, I think it's been something that we talk about a great deal and just think about and kind of explore, right?

So,

so I had a comedy special that we were taping.

We were taping it last week.

And

about a month before I started, I quit taking some antidepressants I was taking.

You know, I just kind of self-weaned myself off.

And the reason why was because I wanted,

like, during the comedy show, I wanted to have a little bit more emotion during it.

I wanted to have this kind of,

like,

I just wanted to have some more feelings.

You know, if.

If you've ever taken antidepressants or if you haven't,

it kind of takes away your feelings, kind of.

you know uh

so you just kind of stay in this space where you're okay

and it's nice it's a safe space but you don't uh

you're like the astronaut that kind of stays on the ship sometimes

and you get to do the thumbs up and shit but other dudes are like you know they're people other people are out there

um

anyway so i quit taking my medication because I wanted to have a little bit more feelings during the show.

I wanted to be able to talk about stuff a little bit more that meant something to me and put it into the comedy show.

So

that, that was all going fine, right?

I was doing fine with that.

We're headed into the comedy show.

And then

the

Charlie Kirk thing happened, right?

The Charlie Kirk murder happened, which is really crazy.

You know, it was just a crazy thing.

I've talked about it before.

I'm not going to talk about it anymore right now.

But a few days after that, or maybe a week after that,

the Department of Homeland Security put a video up online talking about

they started making like trap beat edits and like banger edits to evicting people from the country, right?

Or eliminating

illegal, illegals, maybe some criminals, some people just undocumented, all, you know, just across the spectrum, right?

So

they put a video of mine that I'd made for somebody in a parking lot, probably like maybe a year and a half ago, just jokingly.

They put, I think it was a year and a half ago, they put it in at the front of this Department of Homeland Security, like Trapbeat.

I think they had like, I'm not sure if they had like young boy layers or whatever they had, but it was,

it was kind of, it was ridiculous.

And the video was a girl had walked up to me in a parking lot and she had said, Hey, my friend just got deported.

What do you have to say?

Or do you have a message?

I can't remember what it was.

And I was just like, Bye, you know.

And I didn't know if it was real or not.

I had no idea.

I was just joking around.

It's a stranger came up to me in a parking lot.

I think it was after a show, and there were some people gathered around him.

We were just kind of like BSing and taking pictures and just kind of associating, right?

So,

anyway, long story short, that happens.

So, this video goes mega viral, 25 million, 30 million views.

It's everywhere.

And the front of the D, of that Homeland Security video, it's on the White House thing.

It's on everything.

It's, it's everywhere.

And the first 10 seconds of it are me, right?

Like,

I don't have anything to do with this shit.

Nobody asked me about it.

You know, like, nobody said, hey, this is going to happen.

Like,

and I have a lot of different thoughts about immigration, right?

They're like showing people getting arrested.

Like, it's just an intense thing.

Like, and why is the government even making these?

I don't know.

But that's where we're at in the world.

And

I have a lot of thoughts about immigration, right?

I have a ton of them.

And we don't need to go into them all right now.

I've talked about them on other episodes.

I feel like they're doing a lot of bookkeeping in the country right now because we're going to get into a surveillance state and everyone is going to have to be on the books, right?

So

that's where I believe that we're headed.

But this was just wild, you know, and people are like sending messages and like hateful stuff.

And, you know, you think all these illegals and all this type of shit.

And like, I could talk to you ad nauseum about that, but,

but this wasn't the time for it.

It just was something that they used and put out there and everybody saw, right?

So I'm getting a ton of hateful stuff.

And, and, and, and I'm trying to remember everything.

I'm trying to kind of remember everything right now.

And, um,

but this video goes everywhere.

And I'm getting like a lot of like, dude, what the fuck?

Just all kinds of shit, right?

Like my phone just blew.

I'm like, what the hell?

It's just like the last thing I needed, right?

There's a week left to this special

and this happens.

You know, this thing comes out.

And my father immigrated here from Nicaragua, right?

Like one of my prized possessions is I have his immigration papers when he came here.

And I have them in a frame and him and his siblings when they came here.

And so I have tons of thoughts about it, but

this was just fucked up, right?

It was fucked up.

And it was everywhere.

It was like on all platforms and stuff.

So

that had me really kind of paranoid.

You know, that had me start to get kind of paranoid.

And,

you know, like closing, like,

you know, I had the curtains in my house kind of closed.

I was just like, you know, you're paranoid.

I woke up the next morning.

Sorry, I need some water.

I woke up the next morning to a text from a high government official saying, hey, if you need some extra security in your neighborhood or some extra police cars on patrol, let me know.

And I'm like,

what?

What are you talking about?

Extra security.

I don't have any, like, you know, I don't even know the code to my ring camera.

Like, I don't even know how to log in.

So it's like,

and then, and like, what are you just going to put police cars in my neighborhood?

What are my neighbors going to think?

Now they're fearful.

Like, it just like, I don't know, man.

That, that, like, really kind of shook me.

It really kind of shook me.

Um,

but you just, you keep marching on, you know, and you start getting security.

And then now, but now you have security, right?

And the thing is, you just don't know.

You just don't know.

Right.

There was a moment on the

like, it was White House, because the White House also put this out.

Thank you, White House.

Um,

that,

and look, I'm all for like the board.

I'm all for tighter boards.

I'm all for like accurate knowing who's on.

I'm all for knowing who is in a country.

I'm all for knowing what's in the cupboard of a society.

I think you should know every, I think you should know every item on the log.

I think it should be known, right?

I do.

Now, how do you get there?

That's the bigger question.

And we don't have to discuss that today, right?

It's not about that.

And sorry, I'm going slow here.

I'm trying to piece this together.

So

now I have this thing with security, but then you get a security person, and they now you're if you're walking on a security guy, then that's kind of uncomfortable

because now you're like it kind of makes you spooked.

You're like, What's going on?

So, there's just like all of that's happening, and then we get to just the job, the job, right?

Like, which is performing, speaking in front of strangers.

Like, you had just seen this thing with Charlie Kirk, right?

It's like

we all watch somebody get lit up,

we all watch somebody get murdered casually on our phones, right?

Like,

and I don't mean to say it like that, but that's how it all came across to us.

There's no warning on a lot of video you see.

And like,

so just a lot of,

I think, unnecessary pressure.

A lot of stress going on that I did.

Some of it I was aware of and some of it you just don't know you're aware of it, I think.

You know, because I think like

like you just sometimes you don't know what stress you're holding

you know one day there was a I got a call from a friend of mine and they said they were going into rehab

and I just started bawling right

and I didn't realize that there was a part of me that was waiting to hear that from them and that it uh

it really made me feel some type of way, you know, so sometimes it's like you just don't know what stresses you're holding anyway

So so anyway, so we get to the shows, right?

We're there, and

it's a lot, you know, it's a lot.

There's a lot of like last-minute choices to be made.

Um, it seemed to go messier than

the past specials that I'd taped, right?

It seemed to be a lot more confusion, and it all could have been just kind of my perception, right?

Because what started to happen was on this day, I was starting to feel uh

a little bit

like I don't know if manic is a word.

I don't know what manic means.

I've said manic, but I don't manic meaning.

Let me see.

What does it mean when someone is manic?

Oh, it says trying to meet man's.

That's the first one.

Like, this is fucking, see,

this is how bad shit's gotten.

You're, you know, you're trying to figure out if you have some sort of an anxiety disorder.

And next thing you know, you're getting damn emails from a, uh, a local men's bar or whatever.

It is defined as an extremely unstable, euphoric, or irritable mood along with an excessive activity or energy level.

Okay.

Excessively rapid thought and speech.

I probably could have used a little more of that.

So I think I started to feel kind of mildly manic.

I think it was just beating off the medication.

I think,

and it wasn't insane.

It was just little things.

Like the second I got on stage, the first show, I couldn't feel any moisture in my mouth.

And I started to feel like

You ever remember that feeling if you were in high school and you got high and then you were standing there talking to your friends and you were just too high and you were just literally standing there just trying to pretending to be yourself a little bit.

So I had a little bit of that going on.

And it started off choppy.

The first show, it started off kind of choppy.

We were doing like a new intro with Joey Diaz at the last minute and he was pretty goomed up.

You know, he's Coco and it was a blessing that he was there, but we hadn't ran through it.

And so it's just like a lot of

like things at the last minute.

But yeah, I'm on stage.

And the second half of the first show went good.

And there were some beats that I got that had like an emotional piece to them that I wanted.

And that felt exciting.

But the whole show, it was,

there were parts where I just couldn't remember the next thing.

I couldn't remember like my next sequence.

Like I was having trouble just keeping track of stuff.

And that's when I really was like, oh man,

I'm just off tonight.

You know, I just,

you know, it is just like, I'm just off tonight.

And I even, I think, I remember saying to the audience, like,

thank you guys just for being here for me.

You know, like,

and the audience was cool, man.

People were happy to be there.

They were super stoked when I came out.

I started to feel bad that I wasn't giving them the best show, but the show ended up going a little bit long, blah, blah, blah.

We get to halftime or in between the two shows, and Chris Rock is backstage.

He's there.

My favorite, right?

Like,

I mean, I see Chris Rock smiling.

You just feel like

this is going to be good.

You know, this is, it's almost like when,

you know, somebody that was good in class at making a good joke, and then you see him and you're like, oh.

The Michael Jordan has arrived, you know, like that thing.

Like,

so anyway, seeing him, and it kind of like, I kind of, I was like almost way so excited about seeing him like I was very excited but then I realized I was kind of overexcited

um he enjoyed the show you know

and

and so I went into the second show feeling like okay I got to figure some of this out

I couldn't tell if people were like being like legit like okay was it good was it bad what was going on

And then

I took an ice bath between the shows.

I was doing my yoga.

The same usual stuff I do.

Anyway, sorry, I know this is getting long, but

and then we did the second show.

And the second show started out fire.

First 22 minutes, we're cooking.

And then I just,

I couldn't remember stuff.

And we didn't put a teleprompter.

Like we've done it for other specials, we didn't do it.

And that was a bad choice.

I don't remember if I probably made the choice for sure.

I don't remember.

But so I had to ask for help.

You know, I was like having to ask offstage because I wanted to get everything in sequence.

You know, and I think I got stuck on this like sequence thing.

And, um,

and it was just hard, man.

It just, you know, I just did it.

I didn't feel like myself.

I felt like I was trying to kind of pretend to be myself.

And it wasn't insane or extreme.

It just,

that was it.

And we got to the end of the show

and we were standing around afterwards with the

producers and the director, my friend Kevin, and just like, man, did we get it?

You know, did we get it?

Excuse me.

Did we get it good enough?

You know, because

I want this special to be, you know,

you do the material for so long.

And my buddy Neil Brennan said this the other day before it.

He said, I got a hair in my eyes today.

He said, dude, this is the last time you'll ever ever spend with this material.

You know, it's really the last time you'll probably ever do it.

And

this material has been, it's been a friend to me over the years.

It's been, you know, it's taken me around the world.

You know, it's gotten me to see a lot of people that love me and that I love.

So that was just a neat sentiment of a way to like embrace the material and stuff.

But I was just at the end of the night, I was like, I don't know if we got it.

And they're like,

yeah, well, let's edit together something and see.

And I was like, okay, but I just, i don't i couldn't feel the magic you know i just was off

and and that was it we left the show we left the theater um

we took pictures you know i went up by the stage at the end of the at the end of each show and we're like taking pictures of people that are sitting there and um

and that's when some girl there was a clip of me um

which I think this is what really like, this is what made things ridiculous.

Where in passing, I just was like, or I don't know if it was in passing.

I haven't seen the clip, honestly, and I haven't been online.

I woke up the next day to like a bunch of things, like, bro, what's up?

Or things like that.

And I was like, oh, my God.

You know, what's going on like, did, you know,

did I, you know,

did I steal somebody's horse?

Did I hit somebody with a vehicle?

You know, what happened?

I have no idea.

You know, it was just kind of alarming.

And then a buddy of mine sent me a clip and I could just see the outside.

It was like, you could see me on stage.

And then people were asking me about suicide and I was like oh God

you know

um

and I don't even remember exactly what I said but I can certainly see me saying something like oh just try not to take my own life you know um

which I understand it's not a joke to some people right it's not a joke to me

but it is something that I'll you know I'll say stuff sometimes I say stuff right I you you know you know that.

If you've listened to this show before or seen anything, you know, I say stuff.

I would never take my own life.

I would never take my own life.

Okay?

You hear that, Israel?

I would never take my own life.

I'm grateful to God for his grace in my life.

I love my siblings.

I have so many friends and people that love me and people that I want to see their children grow up.

I'm hopeful, I'm hopeful that I get to have a wife and meet my, and meet my own children one day.

Like, there's a ton of things in my life that keep me alive and hopeful, right?

I want to be able to have an impact in the world.

Um,

those are just a few of them, probably, you know, I mean, so many just moments we've shared on this show that I'm like, oh, I live for those things, you know.

I mean, I want to see Vandi win a

championship.

So

I'm going to have to be alive for a long time.

You know what I'm saying?

Type shit.

But anyway,

so anyway, that was, you know, so I woke up to that and I was like, oh, man.

And I guess I had like a lot of different.

Well, in addition to that,

people wrote articles.

Oh, this is bad.

And look, it wasn't great.

I didn't love it.

And I had a lot of people that said it was great, though.

Like, I had people say, dude, we loved it.

It was great.

So,

but I didn't think it was, I didn't think it was perfect, you know, for sure.

But I thought, let's just look at the edit and see.

And so we still haven't decided.

We might shoot again at some point.

I don't know what's going to go on.

But there was just this energy now where it was like everybody started checking on me.

And I was like, oh, man, this is tough.

And there's people that would think like, oh, well, he failed or who want to write up something that says he failed or make a meme.

I saw one thing that said,

bombs, Netflix, or whatever, taping or whatever.

Awesome.

Thank you, dude.

But homie, I was fucking in that bitch, cuz.

You should have seen me, dog.

You should have seen me.

You know, you ever see that show, dog?

And a lot of times you'll see that dog show.

And it's that Wiesterminst.

I think it's Wiestaminsta.

The Wiesterminster dog show.

You see that bitch, boy?

And they got some dogs in that bitch.

And then they got that other, bro.

They got that other little, uh,

that little.

I mean, this bitch is just a little thought wilder, this bitch, you know.

They got that little male thought wilder rolling up.

You're like, damn that little bit

you know he got a little maybe an anklet on or something maybe he got a house arrest bracelet on his tail but that is in there and they're like damn he ain't supposed to be here

but he's over there he's listening to dmx we roar you

and all the other dogs got all them crazy tricks and he just he'll gamble on his phone real quick or do something like that

Or he'll fucking run a parlay or something on his phone.

And that's his trick.

And he'll smoke a a Virginia slim right there and hit that bitch.

You know what I'm saying?

So anyway, what I'm saying is, bitch, I'm out there.

I'm in the ring, bro.

And I failed so many times.

You could write, bro, write what you want, big dog.

Write what you want.

It wasn't perfect, man.

I'll agree to that.

And if, you know, and if I've gotten so used to times, I have failed.

It's okay.

I eat failure for breakfast, but I'm fucking, you fill me up with failure flakes over the years kids

and it's okay man that's part of the job the first 10 years of doing comedy is failure so much of my life the the the the best things that have ever happened on my life have been on the other side of failure

and

Yeah, it would be great if one day we could all live in a space where we all, you know, we lived in a neighborhood where everybody, when they went out in the world, they was potentially gonna fail boy

we riding right on the edge baby

you know and that we admired that about each other

um

so anyway i'm not looking to like downplay it or make it you know we might reshoot it again we'll see what happens and um

and that's it you know

Because you don't if you don't like if you're not on that risk of failing I don't know what I'm gonna be if I'm not on that risk of failing I don't know what I'm gonna be

It's like a bulb, you know, a plant bulb.

If you saw

like a plant bulb, it's kind of brave, right?

Like a

floral bulb, right?

Because if he just stays a bulb, he's just that little green little monster, right?

That little nugget.

But when he blasts open, you don't, he don't know what he's gonna get out that bitch, bro.

He might be a rose.

He might be a

Daffodil, brother.

He might be a

he might be a damn uh succubus or whatever

he might be a gladioli he you don't know when you pop that top what you're gonna get out of yourself imagine you walk through the woods and all the flowers are just just loped out

they all just in hiding bro they're all in witness protection program bulbs

but nah they took that shot Pow, bitch.

So anyway, I don't know if I'm rambling or just fluffing my own ego.

But

so that was it, man.

And there was a video about, you know, and that, that, and so, so that stuff happened.

But then the thing that like made everything hectic was someone recorded a video of me making a passive comment, joking around about

suicide.

And I didn't even mean to.

I didn't know people were recording me at that time.

I don't think, or I don't think that they are anymore.

And I think I got to evolve in my own head that that's how things are now.

So,

and another thing that happened, I didn't even tell anybody this, but I went to the doctor's like a couple weeks ago.

This was like, I think two days after the Charlie Kirk shooting, I went to the doctor's and

I'm in the doctor room and it's just me and a nurse.

And

she comes in and I'm talking about, you know, I got to get a checkup and everything where they do you nuts or whatever, you know.

And so I'm talking, you know, we're talking about body and everything.

And,

you know,

you know, talking about genitals or whatever, right?

And body.

And so

we have this conversation.

And then the nurse, she says after,

she says,

she's like, hey, I brought something for you.

And I'm like, huh?

And she's like, I brought something for you.

And it really spooked me, bro, because I'm in a doctor's office, right?

This is a place where you think you can be safe.

And

man,

that was a tough moment.

My mom was in town.

And after that, I remember

sitting in my car with her.

And I kind of got a little teared up because I was like, oh, man,

no place is kind of safe anymore, you know?

And

the girl just wanted to do something nice, right?

I think she wanted to give me something.

I don't know.

But it was just that invasiveness of like, man, this is like supposed to be a very private place.

And I mentioned it to the doctor.

And then I even, you know, I made sure that the nurse didn't feel like bad, you know, she's just trying to be a nice person.

You know, I believe that her motors were in a good place.

I don't hold any ill will against her.

But it was just like,

I don't know, there was just a lot of little things that were adding up to stress.

And so,

yeah, that's what happened.

And it's just been like, I've had so many people reach out.

So thank you so much.

I've had so many people say nice things.

I can't believe, like, to me, it felt very kind of like in passing.

And then I was just kind of burnt out.

But just know that I'm never at a place like that.

You know, I'm far from a place like that.

You know, there may have been times when I was a kid or something, where I had some negative feelings.

you know, some stuff was scary.

But yeah, I'm going to be here.

I'm going to be here.

You're going to be here.

And we're going to be here together like we always been.

And,

and that was it.

There was nothing else to the evening.

We tried like to really keep things together.

There was no drug issue.

There was no like, I mean, when Coco showed up, there was smoke in the, you know, it's like, but there was no, uh,

there wasn't like,

it was just, there was just like,

just the fuse was short going into it.

The fuse was short going into it.

I remember right when we got to the theater,

some guy was supposed to show me to my dressing room.

He took me on like a seven-minute journey out into the fucking caverns of some building.

I don't even know where we were.

We were like, there was like teenies meeting in turtles there.

And I was like, oh, fuck, I'm already.

This is, I could feel my fuse being pretty low.

So,

but I still tried.

I think they're looking back.

Maybe I should have like pulled the core.

You know, I don't know, though.

You know,

you don't kind of know until you know where you, until where you are, you know, and so

I don't think I would have done anything different.

I made all the choices.

I didn't realize how much stress I had, and that's it.

But I do want to say this about suicide, right?

Like,

you know, a friend of mine, a close friend of mine,

years ago, his sister

was dealing with a lot of stuff.

She was dealing with a lot of stuff.

And she couldn't say,

she was having trouble talking about it.

Like, you know, she was having trouble talking about it.

She didn't want to bother people.

And she finally told a member of their family.

And they didn't want to worry everybody in the family with it.

And so they kind of told the rest of the family that she had mono, and so she was suffering.

Uh,

and then

like within a year, she had taken her own life, right?

She just couldn't handle where she was at.

And I think it's, and I just want to say her name, Christianne, and just let

her know that people think of her and that her brothers love her, and that, um,

and that she's an angel out in the the universe keeping tabs on people.

And that's a beautiful thing.

Um,

but I think about that story from my, from my buddy sometimes, and it's like I think people get stuck in a space where, like, yeah, I'm gonna bother somebody if I, or I've already told my friends so many times that I'm not doing good.

I don't, none of that stuff matters.

It's like, however, you have to speak up about something if you have to, um,

I think it's worth

trying

more,

you know?

And I don't know if that means anything.

I'm just saying, yeah.

I don't know what I'm saying.

I think I just wanted to

just have a moment and just let it be known that

that young lady is missed.

I think maybe that's something that I just wanted to think about out loud.

And that, however, you have to say something, say it.

But I was just joking, man.

And I know it's not something to joke about.

And I get that.

And I appreciate all like the beautiful concern and the thank yous and like

just the outpouring.

I just started to feel like, God, I don't even know how to tell everybody that I was just joking.

And I joke about some dark stuff sometimes and I joke about everything.

And I think that's what makes you able to do comedy sometimes.

I don't know.

I don't want to look at myself too much like that because that gets kind of ego-y.

But,

but yeah, I'll be here forever.

And we got to see how this fucking circus goes, you know?

We got to see how

this short giraffe balls out.

So I love you.

And thank you for loving me.

It would take me forever to thank everybody for the nice messages.

It really would.

But gosh, I'm fine.

Don't treat me weird.

Don't be weird.

I'm not weird.

I'm chill.

You're good.

We riding, bro.

We riding, bruh.

Type shit, boy.

Let's get to a few calls that came in here.

And maybe we'll keep it in this space.

Let me see what we got right here.

Here's one right here.

Let's get to it.

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You know, sometimes I feel like my brain just kind of leaves the building, just on its

like a school child at 3 p.m.

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Here's one right here.

Let's get to it.

Theo,

my name is Tom, man.

I've called a number of times.

What's up, Tom, brother?

Thank you for calling, man.

Well, thank you for calling back.

Onward.

I just want to thank you again for everything that you do,

just for being real, for not being

too good for anybody.

And this hotline, bro, I'm sure it means a lot to a lot of people.

Lost my son a year and a half ago to suicide.

And

it was tough, man.

I still have nightmares and visions of

just seeing that,

finding that.

And

I don't know, man, it's hard to talk about.

But I found your show

about,

I'd say, four months after that happened.

And when I tell you that you gave me a reason to laugh for the first time

since it happened,

you did, bro.

And I gotta say that being an addict and being clean for the last five and a half years, it would have been real easy to use as an excuse to go back.

But

I didn't.

And I truly believe that God,

number one,

and

just being able to laugh again.

kept me free.

And I feel like honestly saved my life, brother.

And I appreciate it.

I love you.

I love what you do.

Thank you for everything.

Praise God, man.

Thank you, Tom.

Thank you, brother.

I'm so sorry to hear about your son.

I bet he misses you, and I bet he loves you.

And they may not even have feelings over there where you miss people.

I bet it's just pure love.

But, um,

but I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I can't even.

There's not a word I could give you, you know,

except that I'm happy to hear your voice today,

you know, and thanks.

Thanks for letting me make, thanks, thank you for letting me be a part of your laughter.

You know, sometimes when I'm like in pain and stuff, I won't even let people make me laugh.

Kind of, it's like, you know, that stuff when you're like young or something or something's rough and you want to laugh, and it's like

you won't let somebody make you laugh.

It's like almost out of posterity and stuff.

But man, thank you, bro.

Thank you just for sharing that story today and for letting us have a moment to remember him.

I don't even know what he looks like, you know, but I'm just going to remember a sweet soul

that loved his father and that was trying his best in the world.

Yeah, that's cool.

That's cool.

He seems like a, he feels like a neat kid.

So thank you so much, Tom, for sharing that with us today.

Let's hear another call.

We'll take one more here.

What do we got here?

Hey, what's up, Theo?

My name is Lane.

What's up, Lane, baby?

And you hear a lot about that lane, baby.

The H-O-V lane, brother, that threesome, huh?

Let's hear more about it.

And

I just want to call in and give my son a shout-out.

His name is Matthew.

He's three years old.

And he's finishing chemo for the second time.

And I just want to ask.

Let's go.

Let me catch his name again.

I just want to call in and give my son a shout-out.

His name is Mattheo.

He's three years old.

And he's finishing chemo for the second time.

And I just want to ask for a prayer, brother.

You know, a prayer that that shit don't come back.

Prayer from the community.

And

yeah, shout out to my wife for holding us down through this hard time.

And I want to speak into existence that, you know, fuck it.

I'm going to do some stand-up comedy.

You know, you've been a big inspiration.

So shout out to you, too, Vo.

Peace.

Oh, well, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for the call, man.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Monthly, I'm sorry.

I'm glad your son is being a warrior.

You know, I'm glad you're here speaking prayer towards your son.

I'm glad you're requesting prayer.

I'm glad that

you're reminding us

it's okay to call others and ask for prayer and ask for

energy.

God, we forget that.

I forget that all the time.

I forget that all the time.

Yeah, I'll say a prayer right now.

God, we lift up

Matteo to you and

just keep his smile

hopeful

and

keep him cancer-free, God.

And let him have the joy that he wants in the world.

And we lift up his mother to you, God, and just all the

energy you continue to give her, and all the mothers out there who

have to deal with children who are suffering with illnesses.

Man, that can be a

heavy burden.

And we give

thanks, God, that in

witnessing other people triumph and witnessing this man, witnessing his young son

battle through chemotherapy, that it inspires him to go out and do things, that inspires him to take on things that,

like if he wants to do comedy or he wants to sing or he wants to do a um back flip online or whatever he wants to do you know that it inspires him that it pushes him through any potential failure

you know

because failure is just a little bit of bootleg fear that's all that shit is

that's all shift

That's aftermarket fear, cut.

But God, we lift him up, man.

Man, it's inspiring.

Isn't it inspiring to see a little three-year-old fella out there waddling around ringing that chemo,

that cancer-free bell out there?

Him and Randy Moss out there ringing that bitch.

That's beautiful, man.

And I lift up my buddy MK, man.

There's a friend of mine named MK and his wife and their family is dealing with

a lot of tragedy right now.

Their brother,

her brother got shot.

and i don't know even the situation right now but um

but yeah i just want to lift him up god and just

just let his heart know that he's not alone and let her heart know and her brother's heart know that they're not alone that people are thinking of them and uh

yeah

So in your name we pray.

Amen, man.

I think we did pretty good today.

This is as good as I can do today, guys.

You know, I appreciate y'all.

I appreciate you getting all the warm messages.

I'm sorry I rambled a lot about

what happened in New York City, but I wanted to take a few days to kind of digest it because it was all out of my control.

It was like, it wasn't all out of my control, but there was a lot of stuff going on.

I'm like, some of this is real, some of this is not.

And I don't like to take any action when I'm a little bit tired.

You know.

So I want to thank the people that did come out to the show.

And

it was what it was,

it was what it was, boy,

at that wee Smith stuff, bruh.

No, but thank you.

Thank you to anybody that's come out to my show.

Thank you to anybody that's just been supportive, that's been a part of this group.

We're good.

We're good here.

We're good here.

So I just want you to know that wholeheartedly.

I'm not here.

We're good here.

And

I'm looking forward to actually taking some time off.

I just want to do things that are fun for me.

I want to spend time around my friends and stuff like that.

And then at the same time, I got to get a little bit of space.

Sometimes I spend so much time like on my phone, these things, like just texting, so many things that are just kind of like, I just want to be able to have a little bit of peace for myself.

And I deserve it, right?

And I deserve it.

We all deserve it.

And

so,

yeah, I want to thank everybody for their calls.

I want to thank everybody for their care.

I want to thank everybody for their calls, sharing their own words and

stories

on the hotline.

And

I did get back on my medication.

I want people to know that.

You know, I'm not worried about that kind of stuff.

You know,

and

maybe one day I'll be able to be off of it, you know, I'm going to make sure that I work with a doctor if I, if I think about that again.

Um, but one day it would be nice to,

you know, be able to kind of have all your feelings, you know, in a manageable way and

to have all of your feelings, you know?

So,

um, all right.

Thank you guys so much.

And,

man, we've got a lot of life to look forward to.

I believe that.

And I know you do too.

And

yeah, you guys be good to yourselves.

I'm going to do the same thing.

Okay.

I promise.

All right.

I'm upstairs.

Gang, baby.

Now I'm just falling on the breeze.

And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

I must be

cornerstone.

Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.

I can feel feel it

in my bones

But it's gonna take

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