Town Planning

Speaker 1 I bought this yesterday. I haven't eaten it or consumed it yet.
Okay.

Speaker 1 But I got this in Liddle. It's my first of this kind.

Speaker 1 It's a gut health shot. Is that one of the ginger-y things or turmeric or whatever? It says it's a cold press shot.
Gut health. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Melon, carrot, and ginger, rich in fibre, one billion live cultures.

Speaker 1 And no one can check. No one's going to check that, are they?

Speaker 1 You haven't got the time to check that. And you could save yourself so much money if you just rolled a carrot on the floor and ate it.
You're fine. You're done.
Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 There's no need. A billion.
So does that mean a billion different types of? It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything.
No one's counted that.

Speaker 1 It means a billion individual, rich, literate cultures

Speaker 1 with their own customs, music, pro-gut.

Speaker 1 They've all got a folk music scene.

Speaker 1 A pro-gut museum. They've all got like a sort of Berlin techno sort of part of town.

Speaker 1 They're interested in startups, but also in the welfare net. And how can tech and creativity come together to create something truly new?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're absolutely flea somatic. I would admit, like, I have delved into that once or twice.

Speaker 1 They're quite arousing, the little gingery ones. They're crazily expensive.
It's like being punched in the face from inside your own throat, isn't it?

Speaker 1 I have used them on a late drive for a bit of invigoration. Yeah, I could see that.
They're unpleasant as fuck.

Speaker 1 When things like this filter down to Liddle level, which is where I got it, you know that it's like it's on the way out. It's on the way out, basically.
So Liddle have started doing kombucha as well.

Speaker 1 Okay. Goodbye kombucha.
Sorry, can we just take a moment to remember kombucha now that you've said that? Okay, I'm just going to have some kombucha memories.

Speaker 1 Hang on, I'm just, all the times I've had kombucha going in front of my head.

Speaker 1 So you're really at the arse end of the zeitgeist then with the uh because I pop into Little now and again, but it's not my regular haunt.

Speaker 1 But you're you're a little quite a little faithful, aren't you? Little's my local shop, basically. But it's what, like, you imagine these things, like kombucha in these shots.

Speaker 1 These started in like surf cafes in Southern California, right? Yeah. Hey, Ronolph, how you doing?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That sort of thing.

Speaker 1 This guy sounds quite rough, like sort of.

Speaker 1 Who Ronald? He's been on the wrong side of the tracks for a while.

Speaker 1 Well, that's where the ideas bubble up from, then. That's right.
So, Ranov, how are you doing? So, he's a German guy that's been running a surf shop in San Diego. Nice.
Okay. Yeah.
Yeah. Since 2003.

Speaker 1 He's got his own wellness podcast. He's got a 10-pack.
He's got a 10-pack. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's consuming so much protein and anabolic steroids that his kidneys are dead and he's got the smallest bollocks you've ever seen.

Speaker 1 Which is why they call him Streamland Runner

Speaker 1 when it comes to his surf move, isn't it? He's that's opened up a whole new sort of area of surfing.

Speaker 1 He's the first person to be able to create what's called the surf staircase, where it's called the green zone, isn't it? Is it?

Speaker 1 When you're in the city, which is different to the demilitarised area in post-war Iraq. There's all Muslims.
Not to get muddled up with.

Speaker 1 I'm sure they have some similarities. Matt Damon occasionally is down there doing research.

Speaker 1 It's a different shade of green. It's not exactly.
It's more like the turquoise zone this one.

Speaker 1 So when Ronolph hits the turquoise zone, he creates a kind of aqua staircase where he can go up and down while the wave's breaking on the beach.

Speaker 1 And he can do that because he's more aerodynamic because his bollocks are so tiny.

Speaker 1 That's part of it as well. And then Ronolph, it was like Ronolph has a bunch of cabbages he'd bought because he was going to build them into a sculpture of Tony Blair.

Speaker 1 In the green zone. Yeah, to make a sort of.

Speaker 1 While hanging 10, yes. While hanging 10, which would have been, at the time, would have been a satirical thing, whatever.

Speaker 1 He forgot about it, went surfing. He got lost in his own staircase because he added a left turn into it.
And he went into a sort of corridor. He went into the back.
To a mezzanine toilet.

Speaker 1 He went into an acromezanine toilet.

Speaker 1 And he was trapped in there with five barracudas.

Speaker 1 So it was really tense. And in the meantime, all those cabbages went off.
Yep. And his mate,

Speaker 1 Tasbo.

Speaker 1 Of course, Tasbo. I haven't got time to go into Tasbo's background.

Speaker 1 But he was partially Argentinian, partially Albanian, and all a burlesque performer.

Speaker 1 Okay. Who combined burlesque with surf the first time? Surf-asque.
He dropped some Korean spices on it. And two weeks later, kombucha.
What is kombucha? No one knows.

Speaker 1 It's now on its way out. It's now being bought, you know, four for three in suburban Cardiff by 65-year-old retired financial advisors.
Hang on, I'm not a 65-year-old nor a retired financial advisor.

Speaker 1 But you do have their exact demographic sort of purchasing patterns.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 And therefore, microbiome. You have almost an exact the same microbiome state.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if you were to be aged by microbiome.

Speaker 1 Which is the one which is like a Korean sort of like fermented cabbage? Kimchi. That's kimchi.
That's not going anywhere. That precedes us and it will post-seed us.

Speaker 1 And God bless all who sail in there. But kombucha is fermented, right? I don't know.
Yeah, it's a fermented tea drink, I think. So is that the one you got in Liddle? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so it's falling down the street. The other one is matcha is big at the moment.
Eventually, you'll be getting matcha from Liddle. Yeah, two or three years' time, that'll be big enough.

Speaker 1 Matcha will be the one.

Speaker 1 So, Ben, the thing about this GutHealth Shots is the fact that you bought it yesterday shows me that it's already too late for you and your microbiome

Speaker 1 because those things are to be bought and consumed in the same moment. Same motion.
In the same motion. I till you sat on the toilet.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like you don't buy, if you haven't drunk it yet, you're not going to drink it. You buy this because you're a busy urban professional.
You're on the way to work.

Speaker 1 And you're flatulent.

Speaker 1 Or not flatulent enough.

Speaker 1 Something about your flatulence levels needs readjusting. There's a voice in the back of your head saying, My flatulence level.
At least I need to pay attention to my flatulence levels more.

Speaker 1 Especially before the big presentation tomorrow. Oh, that's right.
The Henderson report is almost finished.

Speaker 1 The Henderson report is almost finished, which means it's almost ready to be presented to the Yashimoto delegates.

Speaker 1 And they're going to expect cuffs.

Speaker 1 So you buy it, you take it to the till in the same motion, pretty much. You whack it down your throat, and then you go to the toilet and cry out of your bottom.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, I could drink it. I'm going to drink it now.
This is so unpleasant.

Speaker 1 Ben, Ben, you're not ready for this kind of thing. You're going to go all red and weepy.
Okay. I'm ready for it.
Ingredients. Pineapple juice.
Not mentioned anywhere on the front, apart from the

Speaker 1 pineapple juice. That's weird.
It's not a foreground. That's an ingredient.
You know what that tells me, Ben?

Speaker 1 The world we're living in, basically it's the same shit we've all been drinking and consuming forever. It's just a question of what do you put on.
It's always been been pineapple juice.

Speaker 1 It's always been pineapple juice. Just a different.

Speaker 1 What do you put on the front of the packet? It's like that guy. Who's that guy that we talk about sometimes, Ben? That guy online? Oh, Rory Sutherland.
It's like Rory Sutherland.

Speaker 1 Do you know who Rory Sutherland is, Mike? No, who's that? Ben, can you explain? He's this advertising guru who maybe works for someone like Ogilvy, like one of the big advertising agencies.

Speaker 1 And he's become a kind of internet sensation of just like...

Speaker 1 I don't want to be negative about the man. I think he's interesting, but he just kind of waffles on about.

Speaker 1 Well, the thing you have to realize is when people go to a prep, they're not actually buying food at all. They're buying an experience.
And actually, they're buying Paris.

Speaker 1 And that's what you have to understand. It's all that kind of stuff.

Speaker 1 Which means from a monetary point of view, you're paying £2.95 for a very, very, very, very, very small amount of Paris. Liquid Paris.
Okay. So

Speaker 1 he's the paragon of middle-aged man confidence, basically. But oh, 100%.
Buster and bluster and bluff. And this is a fact.

Speaker 1 This opinion is a fact.

Speaker 1 And it can't really be challenged because of the nature of it but and it's always about reframing so it's like people don't go to wagger mamas for the food they go to wagga mamas for the toilets and i'll explain why

Speaker 1 it's always that kind of thing yeah so it's but this is what i'm saying i think pine i think it's always been pineapple juice probably but they've put the pineapple juice has become an ingredient whereas what they put the front now is microbiome shit which there's always been microbiome stuff in stuff but no one ever thought you put that on the front of the packet well the yogurt industry did put the work in didn't they that they put the work in the yogurt industry

Speaker 1 for decades and now it's other people. The pineapple guys are still.

Speaker 1 Save it for the Henderson briefing. Save it for the Henderson briefing.

Speaker 1 Because that's such a good opener you've got for the Henderson dealers.

Speaker 1 Because no one's expecting that. The Yashimoto delegates are sat there.
You walk in, spotlight right just on your moustache initially. Are you still okay with that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So it's an oblong shaped.

Speaker 1 It's not a round spotlight, is it? We've had to... Yeah.
Was it mustache shape? It's got a little mouse gobo. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Then it expands a little bit. Yeah.
It's just your mouth and moustache.

Speaker 1 And you say, what is it the one thing that all of humanity has always had in common? Through a mouthful of yogurt. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So it's going to be quite, it's going to be unnerving initially, isn't it? Well, that's very deliberate, though, isn't it? Yeah. That's a status symbol.
Also, quietly farting throughout?

Speaker 1 Quite gently, softly.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Doing doing solfage with my air.
Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Which is why we've hired two people whose jobs is 24 hours a day, the people that massage wagoo beef.

Speaker 1 One of them is massaging each of your buttocks, won't they, in the build-up?

Speaker 1 You'll be wagooed.

Speaker 1 You'll have been wagooed for 24 hours in the build-up to the speech, just to make sure that you can get the right distances in. I spent the spare presentation.

Speaker 1 And then you've got a YOP-sponsored bucket around your neck to catch all that yogurt as it goes out of your mouth.

Speaker 1 Because we then introduce Yop as well. Oh, they've got a place at the table, of course.
They've got a place at the table.

Speaker 1 It's YOP, BAE Systems.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And a deep sea mineral mining company from South America.

Speaker 1 But also, YOP and BAE Systems, it's a lovely idea that they combine their expertise and design a missile that can... Can microbiome a small town.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 We'll coat an entire small town in yoghurt and therefore increase its microbiome. It's hearts and minds stuff, isn't it?

Speaker 1 It's hearts and minds.

Speaker 1 So I reckon, generally, everything in the pot's the same. And then there'll be a point in the future, I'm going to go a bit dystopian, where global warming is really hitting really badly.

Speaker 1 And we're living in a sort of

Speaker 1 a desert planet.

Speaker 1 A world where water is the new yogurt. Exactly.
Yeah. Which is the old currency.

Speaker 1 But water becomes the currency. That's such a brilliant sci-fi dystopian idea, isn't it? Your wallet is literally one of those ice cube holders.
Yeah, how much does that make? Three cubes. Cheers.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's hard to get them out isn't it

Speaker 1 can i pour some water on it to help crack them no you fool the water is the currency nice dry

Speaker 1 lovely stuff doesn't that's like just an example of a scene we might film as a taster for the book

Speaker 1 and the idea is then we we get the novel published then they make the film of the novel it's a long way around to get there but yeah but we get the novel published by making a trailer of the film of the book yeah yeah exactly that's how films get made these days yeah anyway come on who's going to get it down him?

Speaker 1 Oh, Ben, go, and then we'll have to pause in case he gets it down the wrong tube when he has an asthma attack. Take it away, Ben.

Speaker 1 Just reading the ingredients: pineapple juice, melon puree, carrot juice, ginger juice, passion fruit juice, apple cider vinegar, bowobab powder, but bow bab as in the as in the beautiful, beautiful tree, the weird, crazy African tree.

Speaker 1 Oh no, who's powdering that? Why would you powder that?

Speaker 1 Is there literal sacred tree in it?

Speaker 1 benjamin listen to the wind ben are you gonna become a forest sprite

Speaker 1 you could do the bit of a bit more forest sprite about you

Speaker 1 1.6 percent bacillus coagulans

Speaker 1 okay that's satan's hoof that's that's basically small shavings of satan's hoof potent rat poison right are you ready if my gut goes into hyperdrive you might have to call an ambulance yeah you might be colonized by your gut welcome One billion cultures.

Speaker 1 Down in one it goes. Look at that.
He's wincing. Oh.
Oh. Oh, wow.
Oh, it's zingy. Beginning to glow.
You're invigorated. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 The muscles are bursting forth from his skin.

Speaker 1 He's having the final movement. He's growing fangs out of his back.

Speaker 1 And now he's being reborn stronger than ever.

Speaker 1 I feel so powerful, right? Yeah, you seem powerful. Your posture's improved.
Yeah, it has. It has.

Speaker 1 Can I do a plug? Yes, I'll need to do a plug at some point as well. Oh, you're selling your acoustic album.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be selling my Christmas acoustic album. A series of acoustic instrumentals.
And I'm very excited to present it to the world.

Speaker 1 You say it's instrumental, but there is some light BVs, isn't there? There's some light backing vocals that just come through the mix from Alexander Armstrong.

Speaker 1 That's right. Because it's not Christmas without the voice of Alexander Armstrong.
And you managed to get Alexander Armstrong into a Soho

Speaker 1 recording studio scatting for one hour straight, just pure scatting, didn't you? Soft scatting. And Henry doesn't mean the singing scatting.

Speaker 1 What's the other type?

Speaker 1 Just shitting, isn't it? I think, but I think it's sex shitting, isn't it? No, is it? Okay. I think so.
Sex shitting into a series of differently tuned bins.

Speaker 1 And for the first hundred people that buy the album,

Speaker 1 they get a free stool sample from Alexander Armstrong, which you siphon into a little aftermel bottle. Yeah, so that's my plug.
Follow that, BP.

Speaker 1 No, no, do your real plug, Mike. Also, I'm going to be doing a solo stand-up tour in the new year, and tickets will be available from Insert Date here.
And then also,

Speaker 1 we're going to try and do a sort of pre-sale sort of thing for Patreon subscribers of Three Bean Salad the day before, which would, of course, be there for on Insert Date here.

Speaker 1 You've really messed this plug up, Mike, because what you needed was the dates. Yeah.
The dates, because this is going out in about a week or so.

Speaker 1 I think I'm going to know the dates in a couple of days. We can drop them anytime.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
So, in order to put the correct dates in, Mike, your tour will go on sale on when?

Speaker 1 Insert day here. Nice.
And then there will be a Patreon pre-sale for Patreon members, patreon.com forward slash threebean salad on what date?

Speaker 1 And it will be put in there. Nice.

Speaker 1 So this is us in the future now. Yeah, so I think what the listener will have heard is us saying insert date here or something.
Yes, like that. All right.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So I've sort of boo-booed a bit because I thought I'd have a date and I sort of have a date, but I don't really have a date, but I think I have a date. So I think, but don't hold me to it.
I think

Speaker 1 that tickets will be on sale on pre-sale on Thursday, the 30th of October, 2025, and then sale on Friday, the 31st of October.

Speaker 1 I'm going to double-check that, and I'll definitely, I should definitely know

Speaker 1 before then. How's that? Is that any good? It's like a Christopher Nolan film.
I have no idea what's going on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm getting big interseller vibes, and you're actually moving the hands on the grandfather clock to try and talk to

Speaker 1 daughter who's in the past,

Speaker 1 who wants to get a ticket to see Mike Wozniak.

Speaker 1 I think that's when it will happen. But I will confirm, I'll let you know.
We'll let you know through

Speaker 1 the Instagram and obviously on Patreon. If you're on Patreon.
The Instagram.

Speaker 1 On an Instagram. Thank you.

Speaker 1 And on

Speaker 1 a Patreon. If you're on that, we'll send you a message.
There's also,

Speaker 1 I've lazerated my website, mrmikemozniak.com. So there's that, which will there'll be, I will update with.
So I'm not aware of the verb lazerated. You can a Lazarus theme brought back to life.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, I see. Ah, okay.
So, what is it? I'm just going now: mr. Mikewozniak.com.
Yeah, there's a sort of placeholder thing at the moment.

Speaker 1 There's going to be some good art coming from a really good artist called Madison Kobe soon.

Speaker 1 That was probably too busy anyway, so it doesn't matter. It's fine.

Speaker 1 I'm very busy.

Speaker 1 Diary-wise, it's a nightmare anyway, so

Speaker 1 He's a really good artist.

Speaker 1 He's getting good.

Speaker 1 Again, as I'm saying, it's not an issue because

Speaker 1 I couldn't have

Speaker 1 it.

Speaker 1 You're going to have to. Really good to work with.

Speaker 1 You're going to have to use someone else. Sorry.
I can't. I'm really sorry.
I don't have time to work on your.

Speaker 1 You don't have to. She doesn't have to be paid in like sort of bags of nuts and things.

Speaker 1 Oh, God. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So there's all that. So there's info.
But yeah, there will be a pre-sale. And we'll send the code to, if you're on Patreon, we'll send it a code.

Speaker 1 I'll give you good warning, but it'll be soon and probably the 30th, 31st. There we go.
That's big. So it's called the bench.
It's a big old story about a bench. I've been working it up for a while.

Speaker 1 Some people might have heard me working it up hither or thither. I'm going all over the place.
Is it the kind of bench that I was on last night when I was in the business? No spoilers. No spoilers.

Speaker 1 No spoilers. Yeah, I was.

Speaker 1 I believe I was bent. I may have been bench pressing.
I don't know which one that is. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are we going into Henry's beefcake journey?

Speaker 1 It sounds like we are. In the middle of the plug zone.
And then a little intermission in the middle of two plugs. I think I realised there's actually going to be three plugs.

Speaker 1 They've had the first plug. His little break.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Come on, mate.
Yes. Ah.
I'm in agony and I absolutely love this. Ah, more pain.
Crunch it. Push it.
flex it, more pain, smash it, sprain it. Whoa!

Speaker 1 The path to beauty is prolapsed hemorrhoids. Ah!

Speaker 1 Henry's beef cake journey.

Speaker 1 I was in the gym yesterday, and

Speaker 1 I've started doing a thing which is, you know, that thing where someone lies on their back and pushes the metal stick up and down? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm doing that, but I do that, but without any weights on the end of each end, it's just a stick. Okay.

Speaker 1 To what end?

Speaker 1 well to try and increase my body strength but you don't want to be too hench is that what it is no but just that's what you do first you do it without any weights on the end which looks kind of which i imagine doesn't look that great which is a person with sort of sticks but i've been using a lot of my mime i've been using trying to use some of my mime skills so i think people do see little weights at each end i think

Speaker 1 because the amount of pain that i'm clearly in while trying to lift up a stick

Speaker 1 i don't know how much the actual stick just weighs by itself you know i don't know but is that what you can bench? That's what that means, right? That means I can bench

Speaker 1 a stick. I think I can bench a stick.

Speaker 1 Well, Mike, that's incredibly exciting. That's very exciting.
I'm very excited about it. That's great.
Do you know how many dates you're doing? I think it'll be in the sort of 40-50 mark.

Speaker 1 It's all over. It's quite spring over the year.
Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it. Okay, second plug.
Yeah. We're doing Glasgow on the 10th of November.
Still tickets very much available.

Speaker 1 We're in quite a big theatre. On a Monday night.
On a Monday night. Let's start the week with Three Bean Salad Live.
Yeah, so we're doing that on the 10th of November.

Speaker 1 It's definitely become increasingly noticeable how often we've plugged that gig, I think. I mean, someone mentioned it to me the other day.
Do you think it's a bit desperate? So

Speaker 1 it's tipping into desperation.

Speaker 1 Do you think we need to start nagging the Glaswegians a bit more?

Speaker 1 I don't know that the game is necessarily the answer. Someone mentioned it to me the other day as well, and I said to him, Oh, that's yeah, sorry about that.

Speaker 1 Also, have you considered coming to our Glasgow gig, though?

Speaker 1 Yeah, look, we're not obsessed with the Glasgow gig. The fact is, the Glasgow gig is the Glasgow gig.
There is a Glasgow gig. We put it.
They have an airport.

Speaker 1 You can get there from many, many nations. You can get there from Sweden.
You can get there from the Netherlands. In a way, every country is the same with air travel, isn't it? It's just traveling.

Speaker 1 It's like going popping down the. Isn't it? You're just walking onto a thing.
Essentially, being a pedestrian, isn't it?

Speaker 1 You walk onto a plane, you sit down, you walk off. I mean, it's like going to the cinema or something.

Speaker 1 But it's on a Monday, which means you've got the whole weekend to get there, basically. Yeah.
And then simply take a week off work and make your way home. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, I'll never mention that again.
Also, the final date of the tour is in December on the 6th. Yes.

Speaker 1 That's sold out, but you can buy a streaming ticket and watch that as a stream, just to remind you of that. And also on the 7th, which is the following day, we're doing two gigs.

Speaker 1 We're doing an episode of Bonjo's House of Pain, which is a kind of Patreon-only quiz format we do. And we're also doing sweet little Ratmus.
Ratmas Live.

Speaker 1 We're going to bring in the Yuletide season, aren't we? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 With reflections, anecdotes, and maybe even songs

Speaker 1 about the fairy vermin that live inches away from our feet and faces, that breathe on us when we sleep, that eat our feces, and that shit on our food.

Speaker 1 And the reason I mentioned that is that those gigs have sold out, but you can stream them. So you can live stream the Ratmus gig.
It will be coming out as an audio at some point near Christmas.

Speaker 1 But also, if you do have a rat rat story, an interesting rat story. It doesn't have to be a Yule-tide rat story.
No, no, no. Any rat story.
Any rat story.

Speaker 1 Please do email it in. And third plug.
Yeah. I've put my short film on YouTube.
Oh, nice.

Speaker 1 It's called Daddy Superior. It stars old Mickey Brown eyes here.
And have you disabled the comments? Oh, Mike.

Speaker 1 Because they'll be too positive. The comments have had to be shut down by the regulator.
That wasn't our decision, but

Speaker 1 it was considered hate crime. It had to be established.

Speaker 1 It was a rolling hate crime situation where

Speaker 1 the UN certainly had tweeted about it. Interpol were investigating.
It felt easy, didn't it? The regulator and the ombudsman for once were both agreed, weren't they?

Speaker 1 That the whole thing should just be shut down.

Speaker 1 They came close to shutting down YouTube. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, it's a lovely film. It's a great film and a very funny film.
Thank you. And I had the joy of being in it with Tammy Dobson and Chris Kentrell.
I had a lovely old time. It was great.

Speaker 1 So I'll put the link to that in the show notes. Nice.
And if you wanted to search for it, it's called Daddy's Superior. Henry's Not In It.
No. That's right.

Speaker 1 And notable by my absence, I'd say. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I think my shadow lies on it, doesn't it? It lies heavy on it in certain ways. I think there's a sense that...
It's a bit like Harrison Ford in Star Wars, isn't it? He is in it, though.

Speaker 1 It's one of the main characters. Yeah, this is going to be a bit of a work for you, I think, Henry.

Speaker 1 It's a difficult point to start from. This is more like Gene Hackman in Star Wars.

Speaker 1 It's a bit like Gene Hackman in Star Wars.

Speaker 1 Did he play Rudy? To other rumors true. And can I put a little plug, actually? Okay.
Oh, you don't think I should be able to do a plug?

Speaker 1 Well, there was a time to declare them earlier on.

Speaker 1 Well, actually, I've thought of something I need to plug while you were both plugging your own things. Yeah.
Which is, yesterday I made a shepherd's pie.

Speaker 1 And you can buy shares in that shepherd's pie.

Speaker 1 With Henry Packard's Shepherd's Pie coin, the latest.

Speaker 1 So SPCs are available now on the Three Bing Salt Shop. Now, the value of an SPC depends on how many people buy SPCs.
So at the moment, I would say probably about 20 grand each.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I made a Shepherd's Pie yesterday. A quarter of it is in my fridge.
Yep. Half of it was eaten by me and my guests.
A quarter was given to my guests to take home with them.

Speaker 1 Who did you offer that? Yeah. You're a good host.
Was it in a party bag with some crayons?

Speaker 1 And a party bobber.

Speaker 1 Just a loose.

Speaker 1 A loose fistful. I just handed it over.
Shepherd's pie. I just put it into their

Speaker 1 coke at hand.

Speaker 1 Also a segment of banana bread, which I'd also made.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But the, yeah, the shepherd's pie was was really good.
I did anything which I sometimes do, which is, I mean, I'm reading one recipe, but it's not quite joking for me.

Speaker 1 I start reading another one and I end up combining. Do you ever do that?

Speaker 1 I end up combining the best elements of different recipes. So the whole thing had a Victoria Sponge topping.

Speaker 1 Which had that real sweet and sour thing. It was nice.

Speaker 1 I just leant into umami. And I decided to put all the different umami things into

Speaker 1 the meaty bit. Yeah.
So lamb mince, onions, carrots, celery, etc. But I put in tomato puree, which is umami.
Miso soup.

Speaker 1 I didn't put in miso soup, but I put in Worcestershire sauce, which I think that's got to be umami, isn't it? Yeah, that's a classic. There was a time when that was a secret ingredient.

Speaker 1 Yes, that's so true. In Bologneses,

Speaker 1 people would sideluck to you in 2004. Worcester sister sesatari.
Actually, I put in a bit of Worcestershire, shoes, shoes, shoes, shiny, shoes, shoes,

Speaker 1 it was that, and it was a bit of, or a bit of dark chocolate in your chili con car in in it. Oh,

Speaker 1 dark chocolate. You're the king of the 90s.
Yeah. 90s secrets.
Such a 90s secret. But the one at the moment, I don't know if this is quite current though, is Marmite.

Speaker 1 So I'd heard someone mention this recently. Marmite might be 2025's.

Speaker 1 Is it? Is that your umami salt? Yes. So I put in a big globular Marmite, stirred it in.
It was bloody good.

Speaker 1 And then are you sitting there proudly at the top of the table, just waiting for someone to ask you? Oh, how did you

Speaker 1 do umami? How did you get his umami?

Speaker 1 Did they ask you, or were you

Speaker 1 seizing at the end of the table going, just ask me about the umami? I did. I pressed a button under the table, and yeah, a couple of party poppers went off.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but unfortunately, the but the umami bunting that I'd had was mashed potato,

Speaker 1 the mashed potato umami bunting

Speaker 1 didn't work.

Speaker 1 I'm just going to hold my hands up.

Speaker 1 It was way too ambitious.

Speaker 1 You can't bunting mashed potato. Okay.
It's just

Speaker 1 yet. We're just not there yet.

Speaker 1 We're just not there yet. So there ends the plug section.

Speaker 1 Let's just reflect on the fact that Mike's tour, which he's been working for years on and will last for a year, my film that took me many, many months to put together, we spoke about less than Henry Shepherd's Pie.

Speaker 1 But again, as a counteract to that, I would point out that

Speaker 1 does your short film or does Mike's show, can either of them say that they contain three different sources of umani?

Speaker 1 Let's turn on the beam machine, you betcha.

Speaker 1 This week's topic I sent in by Dan from St. Bremen.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Dan.

Speaker 1 From St. Bremen, no less.
Is

Speaker 1 town planning. Town planning.

Speaker 1 About bloody time, isn't it?

Speaker 1 How has it taken us this long? Which, obviously, we should have some seriously hot takes on, having spent the last month or so going to various cities. Going to many different places.

Speaker 1 One thing we've come across in the town planning of various cities around the country

Speaker 1 is, I suppose, quite a universal thing in large towns in the UK is a lot of nice Victorian buildings, like quite big, grand, nice Victorian buildings. Muscular.

Speaker 1 Muscular imperial architecture. Confident.
Yeah. Able to hold a lot of corn.

Speaker 1 With a lot of corn storage capacity. Yeah.
Now, Mike, are you making the mistake I used to make? Yeah. Which is that when I thought about about corn exchanges,

Speaker 1 I imagined that there was loads of corn in the corn exchange. Yes.
I'm making that mistake. Is it a mistake? I don't think there was, though, was there?

Speaker 1 It was a place where you would sort of talk about corn that was elsewhere. It was virtual corn.
Virtual corn. I might be wrong.
It was non-fungible corn.

Speaker 1 What the hall did they call it the virtual corn exchange? It was NFCs. Non-fungible corn horns.
It was just the promises of corn. Why do they need such big halls then if it was just corn promises?

Speaker 1 Because of the size of the beards.

Speaker 1 Which went in every direction direction as much as

Speaker 1 they were omnidirectional beards at that point okay okay which of course is what the scotch egg was initially an edible portrait of a victorian merm

Speaker 1 that's how they they were just big fairy ball

Speaker 1 that's what their heads looked like just big amorphous sort of balls of hair which were rendered in okay the more nests you had in your beard yeah uh the more prestigious you were more rich it was the only way to show people how rich and powerful you were was through beard size yeah we all remember of course Queen Victoria's huge beard

Speaker 1 Which she had wrenched behind her head and tied in a little bow for all her portraits.

Speaker 1 That's why she never had a wrinkle.

Speaker 1 So Mike, I've often wondered this. I think, I might be wrong, but

Speaker 1 I think I thought of them as places with huge amounts of corn in.

Speaker 1 I imagine a simpler time where, yeah, someone came in with a, yeah, with a their pony and trap and they had a whole lot of corn and they'd meet some other bloke who had a whole lot of corn and they'd exchange it and then they'd go home and everyone was very happy.

Speaker 1 Because in Cardiff Bay is a thing called the coal exchange ah now there's no way they were taking tons of coal and that to be exchanged that was just gentlemen in top hats going you sir i will pay you five on the shilling i see

Speaker 1 what we know about corn from corn exchanges is around the country is they seat about a thousand people do they or something what what is the corn exchange yeah it's a great place to see mark steele for example yeah between between 350 and a thousand i'd say depending okay the uh size of the town yeah yeah yes i don't know there's abba there's, but there's, there's, there's other, there's stuff for other people.

Speaker 1 Did you just quickly put ABBA in there?

Speaker 1 There's ABBA. Probably ABBA or ABBA tribute.
ABBA as they are now or ABBA tribute. Okay, yeah.
ABBA without ABBA as they are now without the holographic AI boost. Yeah.

Speaker 1 ABBA memories. Do you know what I'd like to see? Yeah.
An ABBA slash Flintstones tribute called Yaba Dabbadoo.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 I've so rarely actually been there when someone has made their billions.

Speaker 1 to be there at that moment. Yeah.
Because it's the right lineup, right? It's two men and two women. You've got two pre-sold franchises in there.
That's what they want.

Speaker 1 That's what the suits and the shareholders want. They want the fusing of two massive pre-sold franchises.
That's where the that's where the dosh is. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow. So yeah, talk me through how it would work some more.
Is it a stage thing? You've got, yes, it's on stage. You've got Fred and Barney Rubble.
They're playing Bjorn and Benny.

Speaker 1 You've got Wilmer and the other one.

Speaker 1 Yep. Deborah.
Betty Rubble. No, no, Deborah.
I think that's it. Betty.
Betty. They play

Speaker 1 Agnetha and Frida.

Speaker 1 Chicketita, you and I. No.

Speaker 1 That's the only answer you're getting.

Speaker 1 The blender is actually a small dinosaur. There we go.

Speaker 1 And our car doesn't have any wheels. Yeah.
Just an example of that.

Speaker 1 Oh, but the stage design, what fun to see the four of them wheeling their little car along the stage with their feet.

Speaker 1 It's kind of the opposite of the phantom thing where the mist and murkiness is concealing the bottom of the boat and the sewers. You want to see how it's being conveyed in this case.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. I've got an idea which is for an ABBA crossover with the 1950s American comedy duos in ABBA called Abba and Costello.
Abbaat and Costello.

Speaker 1 And that's going to be, I can tell you now, that's going to be a catastrophic fate. That's not going to work.

Speaker 1 I've struggled to say it twice.

Speaker 1 All the money you borrow off Ben after he's made his billions with the Yabbadaba-doo. Yaba-dabad-doo, which is fun to say.
Everyone knows the reference. It's going to be LaBa.

Speaker 1 Abbat is the show closest immediately. And so you've already dropped the Abbat and Costello idea just like a stone.
It's gone. We're just right back to Yabba.

Speaker 1 I'm just trying to save you from yourself. Okay, no, you're right.
What about Abbott Dabbadoo?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Which is the cast of the Flintstones and an Abbott.
Yabbot. Yabbat.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Do the songs of Aberdeen.
Yabbat Dabba-Doo-Wop. Here we go.
And they do the songs of Aber in a Doo-Wop style with an Abbott. Abbott Dabba Doo-Wop.

Speaker 1 And who can pay an Abbott and do doo-op? Henry Packer. No.
But yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're right.

Speaker 1 I was going to say Alexander Armstrong. Well, that's no, it's a good pick.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Abbott Jabba the Hutter doo-wop.

Speaker 1 We bring in Star Wars.

Speaker 1 Nancy, now you're talking. It's

Speaker 1 Jabba the Hutt and Doo-A-Dooop.

Speaker 1 Come on. Abbott Jabba Wocky, a hut and wop.
Bring the jabber wocky.

Speaker 1 So there you've got the cast of the flintstones and Abbott, Jabber the hut. Dress up like Abbott and perform the Jabberwocky.
From C.S. Lewis.
From C.S. Lewis.
Very good.

Speaker 1 Beware the Jabberwock, my son. Wilma.

Speaker 1 Lovely. And for a sequel.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
You have a hard-hitting musical theatre piece called Abbott Dog, in which you use the cast of Star Wars Abba the Flintstones to tell the story of the invention of the rabies vaccine.

Speaker 1 Abbot Yabba Dadabka Waga, don't you weapon drug and dog and frothy dog and mouth?

Speaker 1 Yes. Because medical history was the one thing lacking from this idea, wasn't it? Was a breakthrough medical history.

Speaker 1 Corn as a product is quite, quite mysterious, isn't it? Because, so I'm a big fan of Corn on the Cobb. Who likes Corn on the Cobb here? Everyone.

Speaker 1 We have had this before, definitely, where the end of the season, things do start to fall apart in pieces. What are you talking about? That's a perfectly good point about Corn on the College.

Speaker 1 That's good stuff, Mike. What are you talking about? Yeah, everyone likes Corn of the Cobb.
No one doesn't like Corn of the Cobb. Is it the one universal? Yeah, that's when Yabba Dabba Doo.

Speaker 1 I mean, it should be Corn of the Cobb and ice creams in the interval. That's what it should be.
Yeah. At the showings of Jabba Wakan and Abbott and Costello and Ray

Speaker 1 and abarin

Speaker 1 yeah i remember hearing i remember someone once telling me that corn has almost no nutritional value is that true that really stuck in my head that it's got almost no nutritional value it's definitely got a lot of fiber in it as evidenced by the fact that you looked at you look you look down the toilet bowl after you've you've gone to the top of it right we don't need to go there

Speaker 1 yeah but it's got a lot of fiber and it's right there it's come through nothing really happens that's one of your crucials Okay, so it's fiber.

Speaker 1 So, but so is it the case then that it just exercises the system? It doesn't really give you anything. Like, what do you extract from it other than having your extraction mechanism, the gut?

Speaker 1 That's the upper gut, the Antilus Gupp.

Speaker 1 The Antilus Gup.

Speaker 1 It's another Star Wars character

Speaker 1 who will be making a cameo in the game show.

Speaker 1 He's a constipated bounty hunter. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Antalus Gup.

Speaker 1 Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,

Speaker 1 nin, ee. Na da da da ee.
Na da da da da. Antalus

Speaker 1 He farts out of his facial cloak.

Speaker 1 Anteluskop, he's really, really gross.

Speaker 1 Don't let him get close. Oh,

Speaker 1 Antuluska. Anteluskop, you're such a mystery.
Oh, processing fibre.

Speaker 1 Corn produces loads of different stuff, right? Syrup. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Cob.

Speaker 1 tortillas cob tortillas yes corn flakes probably flakes yeah it's everywhere and everything and like whole societies are based on corn you go on holiday everywhere there's corn growing everywhere there's a carbie there's a carbi element then isn't there yeah there's what there's a carby element going on you're looking for nutrients there's a carby element going on it sounds like you're playing for time you're treading water you've got nothing to actually say

Speaker 1 i'm saying you're asking what nutrients are in corn i'm saying fibre i'm saying it's got a bit of carby fibre Fibre is not a fucking nutrient. Of course it is, you tit.

Speaker 1 Of course it isn't you, tit.

Speaker 1 Okay, so this fibre

Speaker 1 carbs. So it's quite good.
It's probably some vitamins in it. Okay.
So I was misled when someone told me that corn is almost um

Speaker 1 well who told you that? Well, it would have been... It would have been three or four a.m.
in a bar. Yeah, some idiot.
Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 1 People you hang out with in your private time.

Speaker 1 Absolute plums, a lot of them. Well, it wasn't stopped because it wasn't.

Speaker 1 Stop hard doesn't know that corn. It doesn't have that corn.

Speaker 1 Popcorn.

Speaker 1 Good. Yeah.
Very good. Yeah.
So it said popcorn, that's another one where

Speaker 1 corn has this odd quality to it.

Speaker 1 In my understanding of it, anyway, which is like, say, for example, popcorn, people sort of tell you it sort of isn't anything.

Speaker 1 So you can just keep eating it because it just sort of isn't anything, really. Do you know what I mean? That's why it's seen as a sort of healthier alternative to crisps.
Because crisps are something.

Speaker 1 Potatoes that have have been deep fried whereas this is some sort of sense that corn is just you just keep eating it's just popcorn who are you talking to

Speaker 1 why are you listening to these people take me to corn school

Speaker 1 yeah well i mean if you if you just made plain popcorn with nothing in it it's going to be healthier than eating some crisps clearly healthier but is it giving you a lot of stuff well again or is it just not giving you certain things well you can't just eat popcorn if that's what you're asking But most popcorn is not sold exactly as it is.

Speaker 1 Most of it's going to be salted or sugared, or most people aren't just making it home with some kernels, are they? It's got almost zero calories or something, isn't it?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 or very low. You've got to stop talking to dickheads, mate.
Particularly about

Speaker 1 your nutrition.

Speaker 1 You'll be dead within a year.

Speaker 1 Basically,

Speaker 1 I talk to nutritionists that I meet on the dark web

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 sure,

Speaker 1 heritage media folk such as Mike, yeah, have very much

Speaker 1 drunk the corn Kool-Aid. Yeah.
Okay, so I think we've established that the corn definitely has possibly have an impact on town planning at some point. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Time to read your emails.

Speaker 1 And here's an email jingle from Jonathan from Bristol. Please find attached to my take on the email jingle.

Speaker 1 It's an attempt to fuse the ominous and the bucolic themes of the original in an acoustic techno-folk horror ditty.

Speaker 1 When you send an email,

Speaker 1 this represents progress

Speaker 1 like a long ball to shine alongside

Speaker 1 shadow walls.

Speaker 1 Give me your hope.

Speaker 1 I'm beautiful.

Speaker 1 nice stuff. Huge fan.
Yeah. Very good.
Really good stuff. Dark, dark and brooding.
It's left me quite unsettled. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Which was the aim, surely.

Speaker 1 We've had a number of emails in defense of the Pomolo.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? The Shadduck.

Speaker 1 The Shaddock, indeed,

Speaker 1 as we more properly call it in this country.

Speaker 1 The tropical Shadduck.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 let's start with uh this is from philly

Speaker 1 hi beans several months ago i was invited to a pomelo ceremony what an evening centered around the cutting and eating of a pomelo

Speaker 1 notice how i've gone to pomolo yes rather than shadduck

Speaker 1 yeah the ceremony began with our host the pomelo priestess entering in a red mesh dress five gold party hats positioned around her head like a star brandishing a knife and being fanned with palm fronds by her flatmates.

Speaker 1 Wow. She then began passing the pommel around the circle of guests sitting on the floor so that each of us could smell and squeeze it.
Underscored by the interstellar soundtrack.

Speaker 1 Instant gravitas.

Speaker 1 Does that mean songs played in the

Speaker 1 or does that mean this the orchestral score? It means literally the soundtrack for, yeah, I don't know. Is it songs or score? Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I think it's what's his name, isn't it? Isn't it? Hans Zimmer, probably. Is it? Yeah.
It's one of those. Oh, it's Hans Zimmer.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And can I say, on the topic that we were discussing earlier, there's a song in it called Cornfield Chase. Is there?

Speaker 1 Because actually, that's one of the other byproducts of corn. It's Interstellar.

Speaker 1 Is it the

Speaker 1 movies of Chris Noland? Is it the films of Chris Noland? It's such a versatile product, isn't it?

Speaker 1 Another major cultural offshoot of the corn industry is film is shots of cornfields. And people running through them.
And people running through them.

Speaker 1 Sometimes with brooding soundtracks heavily featuring bass trombone, which don't normally get much work. That's true.

Speaker 1 So actually, it's very much, it's a kind of, it's a network of symbiotic relationships, isn't it? I once tried to run through a cornfield. Yeah.
It's basically impossible.

Speaker 1 Bloody hard work, a lot of scratches, a lot of abrasions. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Were you chasing Theresa May?

Speaker 1 I think that was fields of wheat. Oh, that's wheat as an entirely different commodity.

Speaker 1 What people don't understand about cornfields or isn't shown on the films is that below the corn, or in this case, below the corn were just loads of thick, thick brambles. Yeah.
Oh, right.

Speaker 1 So I essentially was running through brambles. And it should be.
Yeah, you're mistaken there. You run through fields of wheat, car chase through fields of corn, Ben.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Car chase in a, in a, yeah, in a, in a ute or some sort of truck. Yeah, that's right.
And it's one of the most fiber-rich forms of car chase you can do, isn't it? Yes. That's right.

Speaker 1 And it's better for you than crisps. Exactly.
So, Philly writes, as at the climax of the music, we each took a bite of the pomolo. Yeah.
And it was glorious.

Speaker 1 The way to eat pomolo is not to go at it with a knife, as John Robbins described.

Speaker 1 The correct way is to invite all your friends and family to a made-up candlelit ceremony centered entirely around eating the fruit. Much love, Philly.
Philly, thank you.

Speaker 1 What an amazing life you lead, Philly. And so that's interesting that perhaps it's a context-dependent

Speaker 1 edible. Yeah, but

Speaker 1 to me, if the serving suggestion on the packet is dress up as a pagan princess and acquire the rights to the interstellar soundtrack,

Speaker 1 or at least make sure your PRI subscription is up to date. So you're all these

Speaker 1 people into the right place.

Speaker 1 Then to me, I feel like maybe

Speaker 1 you'd just have a banana. Maybe I'd just have a banana.

Speaker 1 Quite busy sometimes.

Speaker 1 I really enjoy the way Philly and her associates are using their free time. Oh, me too.
Yeah. I think there needs to be more of that in the world.
Absolutely.

Speaker 1 Lisa from Bristol. Hello, Lisa.
Some time ago, I attempted to deliver a service station-related bollock.

Speaker 1 And in Mike's words, wasn't the tough guy I thought I was. The result, the shame of delivering the first ghost bollock.

Speaker 1 Ah. Now, I don't remember the specifics around that, but we certainly have had a ghost bollock.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's that coming through the mist?

Speaker 1 Can it be

Speaker 1 a false bollock?

Speaker 1 Now I fear I may have delivered a bollocking straight to my own bollocks.

Speaker 1 Even more confusing.

Speaker 1 It's a kind of kaleidoscopic bollocks within bollocks within bollocks.

Speaker 1 Sort of hall of mirror bollocks. It's quite hard.
It's bollock.

Speaker 1 Listening to John Robbins relay his Pomolo woes, I just thought he was being overdramatic.

Speaker 1 Or had mistaken a greengrocer's for Travis Perkins and try to eat a tube of expanding foam. So seeing a Pomolo in Liddle today, I couldn't resist proving him wrong.
No, it was absolutely shit.

Speaker 1 Like polystyrene dipped in white spirit. I didn't listen.
I didn't heed the warning.

Speaker 1 And rather than my plan of writing to you to deliver a bollocking to Robbins, I'm here nursing my own bruised bollocks. Lisa from Bristol.

Speaker 1 Lisa, so you just thought Robbins was just abusing his platform. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do that. No, you've got to trust the man.
Yeah. He's a trustworthy source.
So some interesting feedback there.

Speaker 1 Jonathan, I too was a victim of Ben's Pomolo scam. Spotted one in the produce section of a local Asian market, having just listened to Ben waxing rhapsodic about this overlooked king of fruits.

Speaker 1 I paid $2.99 to take the green volleyball home. While I didn't think it lived up to Ben's build-up, I was perfectly happy to have my fruit horizons widened.

Speaker 1 That is, I was happy until my lips started to tingle increasingly violently, as if someone had applied a paste made of crushed Sechuan peppers to them. It took hours for the sensation to subside.

Speaker 1 Yours and beaniness, Jonathan. Jonathan, you have an allergy to pomelo.
You should avoid that at all costs in future. I think it might actually have been a green volleyball that he.

Speaker 1 Did he buy it from a sportswear?

Speaker 1 He's either allergic to that or he's allergic to green volleyballs and he should he should ingest neither in future yeah if you're buying a pomelos from sports direct or decatron

Speaker 1 pomelo should never come with it with a free unusually large mug yeah also if you start having that sensation in your mouth probably stop eating the pomelo open

Speaker 1 start eating the epi pen

Speaker 1 neil writes dear beans i listened to the dissing of pomelos yesterday while traveling around india

Speaker 1 today i visited a spice and coffee plantation that just happened to feature a pomelo tree.

Speaker 1 Thanks to you, I was roundly ridiculed when I suggested it was an evolutionarily pointless fruit with a useless skin.

Speaker 1 My guide said that the skin was the best bit, as when eaten after having been soaked overnight in honey, it was a cure for diabetes.

Speaker 1 This sounds like the same guy that's giving Henry dietary advice.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 A pencil a day

Speaker 1 soaked in honey. Soaked in honey

Speaker 1 will mean that your firstborn may be a boy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I feel like we should probably make clear that we can't stand behind that claim. I'm fairly sure that's bollocks.
If you have got diabetes, go down the sort of NHS route, I would. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think that's fair advice.

Speaker 1 Or just DM me.

Speaker 1 Look,

Speaker 1 he's soaked in the honey and ready to receive your call. The NHS will take you so far, but they do suffer from a form of tunnel vision when it comes to evidence-based science, which they're obsessed.

Speaker 1 They've got a weird obsession with.

Speaker 1 I've got a much more lateral approach to knowledge where a lot of sources can feed in, and it's much more creative. It's more sort of jazz medicine, is how I see it.

Speaker 1 So yeah, get in touch. Yeah, and you can't prove jazz, can you? You can't prove jazz.
And actually, if you did prove jazz, it would probably be the death of the bloody medium.

Speaker 1 Do you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 Yeah, try proving that.

Speaker 1 This is from Joe from Bristol. Hello, Joe.
Hi, Joe. Another Bristolian.

Speaker 1 It's all Bristol or Bristol vibes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He writes an email about how he was honeymooning in Nepal

Speaker 1 and came across a pomelo tree in a tea house. I asked the tea house owner what on earth his mega grapefruit was and was met with incredulity.

Speaker 1 He insisted that we should immediately sit down with him and his extended family and eat one. A team of four men with a machete set about the giant fruit and carved away acres of pith.

Speaker 1 After what seemed like an age, we were presented with a plate of delicious pink fruit, which we ate with salt and cumin. It was wonderful.

Speaker 1 I then had the torrential shit for two days,

Speaker 1 which may or may not have been related. Kind regards Joe from Bristol.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 But was it delicious just because it was of the salt? I mean, if you put salt and cumin on pretty much anything, it's pretty delicious. You could put that on the back of a blue bottle.

Speaker 1 You'd, you know, you're right, look at it at least halfway through.

Speaker 1 We did have another email of someone saying you meant it, you can dip it in salt and vinegar, and it's really nice. Okay.
Again, that goes for anything. What isn't nice dipped in salt and vinegar?

Speaker 1 There's a reason it's the most popular

Speaker 1 crisp

Speaker 1 flavour.

Speaker 1 And actually one of the more popular of the um the side tiramisu variants that are now emerging in london's uh london's east london restaurant scene

Speaker 1 something of tiramisu cheese nana tiramasu i think that's enough pomolo stuff although we've got this uh from jess from bristol what's going on

Speaker 1 why is everyone from bristol this week they said all the same bristol or are there many bristols could be bristol arkansas there must be other bristols yeah so jess writes having heard the sad tale of john robins pomolo experience i thought i would introduce you to the medlar.

Speaker 1 Rarely grown these days, it was a very popular in the Middle Ages and was more commonly known as the open arse fruit because of its similar appearance to a dilated anus.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow, oh, oh, ooh, oh, yeah, I'm looking at it now. Yeah, I think I have eaten medlar in my life.
Never heard of it.

Speaker 1 You basically have to make it into jam while you shit yourself, I think. There are so many fruits, and it's just completely

Speaker 1 that the fruit business has been completely cornered by apple, pear, orange, banana, just a few.

Speaker 1 But there's millions of these things. So is there more on the medlar story? What also makes the medlar weird is that it is ready to eat when it appears to be rotten.
Hmm.

Speaker 1 Being practically inedible up until that point. They do make nice jam and fruit paste to have with cheese, though.
Keep up the good work, Jess from Bristol. Thanks, Jess.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they look really, really gross. They've got sort of alien proboscis vibe.
To all the world,

Speaker 1 they are a species of alien, I'm going to say. Yeah.
So infiltrating human society in chutney form.

Speaker 1 Finally, Mel from Will. Hello, Will.
I assume from Bristol he hasn't said where from. My dearest beans, in May of this year, my partner gave birth to our first baby.
Congratulations. Congrats.

Speaker 1 In order to support with the late nights and breastfeeding, I decided this was the perfect time to become a three-bean salad Patreon supporter and listen to the full back catalogue from the start.

Speaker 1 This week, I completed my mission. Brackets, caught up with the pod.
The last five months have been incredible.

Speaker 1 I've laughed, I've cried, I fell instantly in love, and I've had such an incredible time watching something I love as it blossoms and grows, even if there has been a fair amount of nonsensical babbling along the way.

Speaker 1 And we've had a pretty good time raising our son as well. Lovely star.
What the hell are you doing?

Speaker 2 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the old switcheroo.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah, I see what you're saying. Yeah, you're saying that.
What?

Speaker 1 I thought you were trying to say that. Oh, he's gone the other other what oh he's gone the other way around

Speaker 1 he means that oh that's what he meant oh what so

Speaker 1 what he said before wasn't that i thought it now he's gone the other way around from there

Speaker 1 oh god it's the old switcheroo well done well you're bad bad post is in the post please affix it directly to your baby and uh congratulations to you both uh Please don't affix the badge directly to your baby, even though the badge is fictitious and will not be sent to you.

Speaker 1 We're not putting anything in the post. There is no badge.
There is no post. Enjoy.

Speaker 1 There is no post is a bit of a huge conspiracy theory that Henry Snuck out.

Speaker 1 No, that's my that's another part of my dystopian futuristic film.

Speaker 1 There's no water or post. Post boxes just goes down straight down into a sort of pit.

Speaker 1 It goes straight down into a fiery, fiery pit where a demon reads your letters and tosses them and pays your bills. And pays your bills.

Speaker 1 It's time

Speaker 1 to pay the ferryman

Speaker 1 Patreon

Speaker 1 Patreon

Speaker 1 Patreon.com.

Speaker 1 Forward slash 3bean salad.

Speaker 1 Thank you to everyone who signed up at our Patreon. Yes, thank you.
Thank you, Raymond. Patreon.com forward slash 3bean salad is the place to go.
This is the end of our series.

Speaker 1 And then for the month of November, there'll be no episodes at all in the usual non-paid feed. But over on Patreon, there'll be four episodes throughout November.

Speaker 1 So do consider that if you fancy more stuff. And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout-out from Mike, from the Sean Bean Lounge, where Mike was only last night.

Speaker 1 I was, I was, as it happens, yes, and it was an exciting one, wasn't it? Because it was the um, it was the annual Conchigle Circus,

Speaker 1 wasn't it?

Speaker 1 It was, thank you, Henry. And here's my report:

Speaker 1 it was the annual Conchigle Circus last night at the Sean Bean Lounge, which was opened with Haley Pickett, Andrew Egan, Matt J.

Speaker 1 Davis, Nicole C., Stephan Croat, Jack, Jessica Davidson, Metallic John, 1986, Julia Hart, and Chris Tennant as al dente human cannonballs being fired the length and breadth of the Sean Bean Big Top.

Speaker 1 Lottie, Donnie Dee, Rebecca Leslie and Nicholas Furness as the Bean Lounge Ringmasters were conveyed into the ring on a clown car operated slash consisting of Josh Clement, Zach Robbins, Paul Doolan, Zach Worrell, Chris Phillips, Richard Carter and Vegan Princess and introduced an unusual act to open the show, namely Jeff Laver, Poppy Wallace, Mary Stevens, Ben Price and Joss doing some bee bearding.

Speaker 1 The act stank out the joint both figuratively and literally, as the bee smoker used to wrangle the bees into Ursat's beards had been filled with acrobat musk by Amelia Francis Williams, Alfie Gerrard, Patrick Rowland, Francis Barnett, JG and Lee Ralvus, who had planned to use it to drive Ollie, Andrew Johnson, Joel Kinnersley and all the members of Memnor up the Sean Bean Ladders for a spot of Basil Pesto flying trapeze.

Speaker 1 Tia, Steve Bailey and Mike then spotted the bees weren't bees at all, but Serrell Fouser, Charlotte Lewis, Sam Barker, Jane Sismovsky, Nicole A., Owen Parry, Jude, Dexter Smith and Eleanor Bacon disguised as swarms of bees that looked like beards.

Speaker 1 It was evident that they were hiding in plain sight to avoid Catrabbit Rebecca Field and Andrew Knott Spurbs' knife-throwing act in which razor-sharp blades would be luzzed into an onion repeatedly before incorporating that onion into a ragu.

Speaker 1 Last year this had resulted in the fine slicing of Dan Sturgis, Alex H., Pete Stanton, Lee Diamond, Ishan Sood, Finbar Dickinson, Millie Lewis, Thomas Clark and Tom, all of whom had planned to perform a variant of the human pyramid known as the Pile of Onions, and so were dressed as onions.

Speaker 1 As the crowd grew restless, Heather Overby, Summer, Caroline, Will Sherry, Rich, Howard Flett, Matt Fish, and the Cat House Seven tried fire breathing to crisp up the top of a chicken and spinach conchigle pasta bake.

Speaker 1 But Conrad Gamble, Andy Clargo, Finn Goddard, Paul, Worf, Joe Reeve, Katagina, and Sophie Prosser had over-peppered the sauce, causing fire sneezing, which set the aerial silks ablaze, causing Ted Taylor, Land of Felines, Jyoti Nayar, Sam Hampshire, Helen Manners, Michael Livingston, Samuel Cousins, S.E.F., Scott Boardman, Peter, and Paige Matheson to plummet onto the spinning anti-pasty pasta platters that Lauda Morris, Smile, Amesville, Dan Bartstart, Jasper, Robert Jones and Lee Brocky had just got rotating with a peripheral G-force of 7.5, leading all those involved to be press-ganged into the European Space Agency Astronaut Training Programme.

Speaker 1 Green with Envy, Dirk Clutch Teeth, Bannaloo Bean Man, E.C. Hughes, Tom Beck, Andrew Smith, L.
Burgess, S.T., Zoe Harrigan, E.

Speaker 1 Ringworm, Rebecca Goode and D also made a bid for the same programme, but filled in the wrong form and have been sunk to the bottom of the Mariana Trench in Sean Bean's homemade subma bean.

Speaker 1 To avoid the enlistment of circus animals and achieve maximum bean ethics points, Henry Murray, Mark, Alexier Daikan, Caliago 2, Hillary and Captain Flapjack Atmosphere were forcibly trained in contortion and constructed into what, with the Eye of Faith, looked like a performing elephant, which jumped through hoops to the commands of Gemma Bendle and Alexander Bazzo, danced the macarena at the behest of Jim, before being spooked by Izzy Hop's flaming cigar box juggling, breaking loose and trampling Michael Lowe and Jacob Mills.

Speaker 1 Thanks all. Okay, let's finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you lot.

Speaker 1 This is from Lillian the Violist. Oh, nice.
Formerly of Kansas. I believe we have played one from her before that was very, very nice.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Find attached a feedback-laden version of your theme.

Speaker 1 Inspired by Nikki in the Sunday Roast episode, who sent in a guitar feedback version.

Speaker 1 But this is more accurately inspired by Ben's conjecture on what Nikki's theme would contain.

Speaker 1 I've not heard this yet, but I remember saying that I was worried that it was going to be full of sort of critique

Speaker 1 and that kind of feedback. So it'd be interesting to see what this

Speaker 1 is.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, until December. Oh my god, heavens above.
It's goodbye. And remember, do send us any rat stories you've got for rats.
Yes, please. Yes, please.
Thank you very much, everybody.

Speaker 1 That'd be great. Cheerio.
Thank you. Bye.

Speaker 1 With three indistinguishable voices, with meandering, mildly funny conversations. That is as backhanded as it gets, isn't it?

Speaker 1 I'm aware that as soon as Mike starts talking, I'm going to go down an absolutely boring as fuck guitar beer.

Speaker 1 Guitar wormhole.

Speaker 1 Now my reaction to that was shame, obviously, that I'd sent him on this path. Yeah.
Regret.

Speaker 1 One of the obvious of the Three Dean Salad podcast must be Sarah Koenig's cereal.

Speaker 1 A single woman's conjecture founded in fact, as opposed to many men declaiming truth based on rambling nonsense.

Speaker 1 But I can't accept it.

Speaker 1 I would suggest that you keep introducing new segments until the podcast becomes an hour of contextless jingles.

Speaker 1 This would be a vast improvement over the current format. Spurbs.

Speaker 1 Also, Andrew, if you're so clever, clever, why don't you just pour yourself a nice glass of glass?

Speaker 1 Charles from Warwick says, Rest assured, I don't think there's any issue mixing up first with prime as they are perfectly interchangeable.

Speaker 1 Now, I'll get back to drinking a bottle of first with my prime-born daughter on my lap as I watch Rambo Prime Blood on Amazon First.

Speaker 1 Fuck it now.

Speaker 1 What's the value, guys?

Speaker 1 Bollocks for simpletons.

Speaker 1 Double bollocking, double exactly, dear. Dead.

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow.
I mean, Bang to Rights also. Memory lane.
It did feel a bit like maybe we'd all died and that was some kind of... I was just thinking that.
It felt like that was...

Speaker 1 A hugely backhanded tribute.

Speaker 1 At the Oscars.

Speaker 1 But now, let's think about the podcasters that we've lost this year.

Speaker 1 That's what they do. If they really want to clear out the hall because the cleaners are starting their shift, that's that's

Speaker 1 a big screen, isn't it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Lillian. Yeah, thank you.