Laundry

I thought I'd had a stroke of genius recently, which turned out not to be a stroke of genius, which means that I have to drive to Newport. Ooh, okay.
Which one though? Arlawite or Wales?

Wales. Okay, so that's doable.

I got a plane to Scotland last week. On the way there, I was going from Bristol Airport, so I got in a taxi from my house.
I went to Cardiff Central Station. Yeah.

And as I was about to get on the train, I realized in my pocket, I had my penknife

that I take everywhere because I'm an outdoorsy man of the woods. How else? Are you meant to eat an apple? Do you know what I mean? How else are you?

Because I'm supposed to put on a flying shelf in the middle of a copse. Exactly.

You eat an apple by whittling it into a kind of blade with which you threaten a local baker until they agree to make you an apple scroodle.

That's how you eat an apple. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah. So I've always got a a blade on me.
I mean, that's obvious from my demeanor and.

You don't even need to say that people blade. Yeah, blade.
Ben, blade, blade. Yeah.

Ben, blade, partridge. Ben, ben partridge.
So then I looked up how long a blade can you take on a plane? Well, I assume it's a zero, sure. The answer is zero.
You can't take a blade on a plane.

What about a razor blade? For your fear of shaver? No, that's got to be checked in. I once got taken aside by a huge German security guard in Frankfurt airport and given a bollocking.
Too right.

Because I'd taken a razor blade on a plane. Too right.
If I'd been travelling with you, I'd have joined in.

I would have been in his height, man. Gleefully, so.

I think the reason they do that, though, is because you could simply, the worry is not that you'd kill someone or hurt someone with a blade, it'd strangle someone to death and then change your own facial hair configuration with the blade and then be able to walk out undetected.

Exactly. Yeah, maybe it is that.

But it was weird because he was bollocking me, and then he said, Right, are you leaving the airport here? Are you connecting anywhere? And I said, No, I'm connecting to someone.

You're always connecting somewhere with airport. I mean, that would be my

immediate response to be you're always connecting somewhere from an airport, aren't you? Jailed. Jailed.

Instant jail. Yeah, and actually,

we're going to stick him in non-swing.

We're going to make a special exception for this guy. We're putting him in non-swing.

So, yeah, because you're connecting to the other airport.

No, no, he was saying, are you getting out here? Are you coming to Germany or are you connecting to a different country?

You arrive at an airport intending to fly to another airport, and that's where you get out.

Yeah, he's not suggesting you're not a Deutsche airport. But he might be at the second airport in there.
Well, Grant. Where were you, Ben? I was in Frankfurt.

I might have been going to Frankfurt, right? Yeah, but where were you going?

Los Angeles.

From London. Via Frankfurt, because it was £30 cheaper.
Are you serious?

It's another parable. With a mere 17 hours to wait for Frankfurt Terminal Two.

And also, the cost in minstrels for Ben is way going to outweigh anything he saves on the flight.

It's the amount of minstrels he's going to put away during that journey but it's the sheer bloody mindedness of him he's got one over on the system

take that lufansa take that lufansa also um excuse me i'm pressing yes i've pressed the button yes can i have a tiny mallet for these minstrels

i want to make a minstrel crumb

so he was saying are you leaving the airport here or are you connecting to another place i think that's it's clear what i'm saying hugely clear hugely clear You didn't tell me you were in Transportation No Further questions.

That's what I was being asked.

So you'd got the penknife as far as Frankfurt. This was a razor blade.
So in London they had a penknife. This is a whole different thing.
Yeah.

This is a tangential anecdote. Oh, boots on the other foot now.
Welcome to my world, Bebe.

It's hard to keep track of, and I'm getting strong feelings of anger from it. Well, in Ben's defense, I suspect that his tangential anecdote will add a little sous song,

a little flavor to the master anecdote. Ah, only a little soup song, whereas I go for big flavours, annoyance, irritation, big, hefty, meaty flavours.

Yeah, a haunch of bafflement

and a side of wrath.

All right, come on.

Anyway.

Benjamin, I and the listener are following you. So I'd got the razor blade somehow onto the flight from London to Frankfurt.
They hadn't noticed it in my hand luggage.

I'd left it in by mistake. I hadn't realised.
It was in my wash bag. I got to Frankfurt.

I got bollocking from a massive security guard who asked me, am I leaving the airport now to go to Germany or am I flying elsewhere? I said, I'm going to America. And he was like, oh, that's fine.

Not our problem. Not our problem.
He did not care about the people of America or anyone on that flight. But he wasn't going to allow you into Frankfurt.

Would he have let you exit the airport in Frankfurt with your razor blade?

It felt like if I'd said I'm leaving here in Frankfurt, I would have been taken to another room and I don't know, maybe shave. Made to shave every hair on my body.
Yeah.

And every shave on your on all the security staff's bodies as well. I'd have shaved everyone there.
You'd have shaved everyone there. That's the only way to teach people.
Yeah.

You've got to shave the terminal.

Shave in the terminal.

We're grinding all the planes and we're shaving everyone. Yeah.

And it's November, although it's going to make it harder.

So this is a man who ought to be once bitten twice shy, is what we're saying at the beginning of this.

And that's why that anecdote was a helpful little soup song, as Mike was. Doesn't it just, yeah.
Okay, very nice. Yeah.
Yeah. Prequel.
Nicely done. So I realized I had my pen knife.

I looked up, can I take that on a plane? The answer was no. So I'm standing in Cardiff Central Station.
I've got two minutes to get on my train.

I have to get in order to get to Bristol airport on time. Who's going to get knifed?

Yeah.

You might as well, you know, it's a shame not to have probably used it as much as possible.

In the same way that you down the bottle of water, they suggest, can you just knife someone here before you go through?

So, my thought was, I don't, I, I, there's some sentimental value to this pen knife because it was given to me by my brother-in-law to say thank you for emceeing his wedding. Okay, good Prezi.

Yeah, nice.

Lovely, lovely masculine between men. Yeah.

Quick question. Where, and where's he from, your brother-in-law? Kent.
Ah, yes, that's what I was I was worried about. If you look up Kent,

the knife-giving rituals. Kent knife-giving rituals.
It's a very, very complicated, coded set of

behaviours, and that was very much a threat.

What he was saying is,

you're never MCing me for again.

As I said, it's not very clear.

Yeah, the word order in Kentish threats is often deliberately baffling, isn't it?

It creates a great sense of unease. So I can't.
So it's not clear what you need to do now.

But you could get it wrong.

And actually, that's why the threat is so frightening because it's not a clear set of instructions as to how to get it right. That would be too easy.

Also, it's engraved. Right, yes.

Grave, the word. Yeah.
It could be your grave, Ben, that you're seeing next. Yeah.
From the inside.

So I thought, okay, what can I do? I had two minutes to think. My first thought was, is there anywhere nearby where I can bury it?

Yeah, no, and then go and retrieve it. Or leave it in a sort of toilet cister, sort of godfather style.
Exactly. Return to it later.
Ben, your first urge.

Weirdly, this ties back to,

by the way, I'm going to do a classic parasitic anecdote grab.

Feel my tendrils.

And now I'm going to start feeding on your brainstem effectively. I'm going to start feeding from your anecdote.
You'll see this happens in the animal kingdom, this kind of thing.

Like a mouse will end up getting eaten by 10 ants and they'll start remote controlling it from the inside. And it becomes like a zombie mouse and they drive it around like a fairy sports car.

So it tells ant anecdotes.

It tens ant anecdotes. It can't possibly be its own.

The time it carried a surprisingly large bit of sugar around.

And loads of stuff is just saying how great the queen is because they're all so fucking on message, those ants.

No, but basically,

I'm sending out a tendril. I'm now controlling your anecdote from the inside.
So I'm going to tell your anecdote?

No, I'm going to tell my anecdote, but at your expense.

But also, I'm going to corral and use all the positive anecdote energy you've created to power my anecdote. And that is how it works.
It's Darwinism. It's fucking brutal, makes absolutely brutal.

Sorry if I don't make the rules. but your anecdote is gone it's forgotten finish dead finish forget it's dead

but

so so basically what you said there remind the way because your your first instinct bury it what I love is when a human being has an instinct which which goes straight back to like that's that is prehistory that is fucking

it's minimum Saxon but it's older than that it's to our our our badger origins it's badger origins it's squirrel brains yeah yeah the thought you had was sort of that's Saxon shit, isn't it?

You buried treasure. You put it underground.

Presumably, you brought with you a ceremonial ship that you could bury it inside.

It's always worth because we've made fun of you for a long time

wheeling that thing around with death.

But actually. But in a pinch.

That's handy. Yeah.

And of course, 16 catamites go down with it,

25 manservants,

a couple of hundred cattle,

isn't it? It's an absolute bloody nightmare. Yeah, and some slain visigoths.
Yeah.

Now, I'm handing the reins of the anecdote back to you, Ben. Okay.
That wasn't an anecdote. What?

You said your tendrils you were going to do an anecdote using the energy of my anecdote, but your anecdote was just you saying you like it when people bury things.

Yeah, no, no, but I'm rising above my

Darwinian programming, Ben.

Believe you me, I could be absolutely

fucking wearing your ass with an anecdote

if I wanted to. Yeah.
But

you're not being disruptive at all. Thanks to those.

As it happens, I'm actually trying to be trying to be supportive, actually, because

that's what this is supposed to be about. But is there an anecdote in the barrel that you're holding back? No, not really.
Come on, thank you, Ben.

Come on. Well, thank you for your perspective, Henry.
All right. So I thought, can I bury it?

So I looked out of the door of Cardiff Central Station, and there's a kind of, you may have been there, there's a kind of

square, basically. Yeah, and it's all paved to fuck.
Yeah, it's completely paved.

There's no bit of earth I could find. I can't believe you were genuinely going to try and bury it.

Hide it? Were you thinking hide? Well, I was thinking, then I was thinking hide, but it's such a busy part of the world. And also, you can't be hiding yourself in a train station.

It feels a little bit... You can't hide a weapon in a train station.
Do you know what I mean? Hiding a weapon, it's so

juries hate that.

Juries absolutely

hate the hiding a weapon. You can't tie it to a thread of wire and dangle it from

the grill of a drain can you oh that's a good idea mike you're grey at this oh

so you dangle it into the

into the drain and then you you fish it out yeah i needed my pozniak you know what i would have done another option is you go into wh smith and you convince someone to swallow it

and then you take their personal details

and while you're in there you can buy some more minstrels

because you know i think i think I feel like I've been in this kind of situation. This happens to people every so often.
You're in a situation where

you think about hiding something and coming back for it, and it's so hard to do. I was thinking, could you bury it in a Toblerone or something? It needs to be something no one's buying, though.
Yes.

But maybe Toblerone isn't

a bad shout.

What's the item that no one's going for in

the W.H. Smiths?

You could hide it behind a copy of Adam Kaye and Henry Packer's

children's book, Amy Gatzeta.

Or you could put it in a copy of Ben Partridge's 100 Cool Things About Me. Oh, no, sorry, he gave up on that book because he couldn't think of one, actually.

It never got published.

It's just great banter isn't it it's really good banter there's really good banter yeah really enjoying it anyway so with a minute to go i had what i thought was a brainwave yeah and i walked up to the desk the ticket desk and i said hello i would like to lose this knife

nice

lost property fucking hell that's good i said can i lose this please in this station yeah and they were like what do you mean i said have you got lost property here and they went yeah and i went i want to lose this knife into your lost property and i said if I give you this and lose it, and I come back in like two days' time, I'll be able to pick it up, right?

And they were like, I guess so.

So I lost the knife into the system. It went.
I went on my plane. I felt like a genius.
Yeah. Then when I went back there.

Oh, no. No.

It ain't here, brother.

It's off-site. It's an off-site lost property location.
It's been taken to the off-site. Warehouse that I have to drive to tomorrow because it's there.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

So did you go... When you came back to the airport,

did you go straight to lost property or did you try and find your chum? To the train station, Henry, to the train station.

Why the fuck is there train stations

in this anecdote? Okay, anecdote abandoned.

Well, I really enjoyed that, Ben. No, can I say I really enjoyed it? There's loads of things I don't understand that I enjoy.

I don't know how you make a trifle. Yeah.
Because, yeah, because Ben, I think what... Okay, so hang on.
Genuinely, did this all happen in a train station or a plane station?

It happened in a train station. He was on his way to a plane station.

But obviously in the train station, you're allowed to take the knife on the train. But he realised

because of the prequel anecdote, because he was once bitten twice shy, he realised admittedly too late, but not so late that he'd be bollocked by, in this case,

a Lothium security guard. It worked, but their lost property is

Once a week, it all gets taken to the warehouse. So what happened was you found a like-minded, I'm guessing, tell me, I'm going to, off the top of my head, basically a sort of petty,

you fat, because petty, certain types of petty people will recognize each other. I'm guessing he was wearing a tank top, wasn't he?

Yeah. The Transport Royals tank top that they were after.
It would have been a liveried National Royal tank top.

Yeah.

So, but I think what happens is you found a like-minded person because you could have been scuppered by a jobsworth, could have scuppered you there and gone, well, I'm sorry, Sarah, it isn't actually lost, is it and because then i was thinking then i'd have to sort of go oops did i drop something and then i'd have to just run away and then it sounds like a threat then again it's a kent then it's the knife is a kent it's a kent threat they assume you're from kent and it's a threat that's the rochester goodbye it's the rochester goodbye

and that's when the person whoever's working the w smith at that point pulls the machine gun which is hidden in the largest stack of toblerones because i think technically you should have you would have been safe if you'd said i found this knife yes but the only trouble with that is on on on your return to claim it, you would have to then adopt a disguise.

That's true.

Let's turn on the bean machine. Yes, please.

This week's topic, as sent in by Douglas from Michigan,

thank you, Douglas from Michigan, is laundry. Interesting.
I do find it very, very soothing and reassuring and nice.

The sound of the washing going around, knowing that it's there, it's getting cleaned, and then the hanging it, the process of it then being clean, folding it away, putting it into the cupboard.

Are you saying you manage that you managed to complete all of those processes?

I genuinely do. Can I give my perspective? Yeah.
Yeah.

I think having to do laundry is the worst thing about being a human being.

Really?

You know what this means, Ben? One of us is technically a psychopath.

That includes the fact that everyone I know will die.

That's in there. But the fact that I have to do laundry probably more than twice a week.

I get a sense of satisfaction from putting like starting the laundry process. I feel like I'm being a useful human being, but I really have to dig deep to put anything away.
I have to dig so deep.

Yeah, putting it away is not my favourite. I'm not really bothered.
Yeah, it's true. Putting away

why is that so hard? Because it is for me almost impossible. You know what I've done? It's what I do with a lot of tasks that I don't like.
I break them up into chunks.

Yeah. And don't do all of the chunks.

I'll break them into chunks and halfway through breaking them up into the chunks i'll forget about it

do something else so what is it i'll take them i'll take them off the off the hangy bit off the clothes sources and chuck them all on the bed on the sofa and the next time i walk past the sofa i have this walk past system

next time i walk past it and spot it i'll do the next stage of the the next phase of the job i'll pick them up and take them through to the um to the bedroom or what the next time i'm walking past the bed i'll spot them

here's here's the thing how carefully do you fold fold stuff? So, I've got a system which is all my t-shirts,

all my t-shirts I sort of put in a part, and then I fold them all into one chunk, and I fold all of the t-shirts over together, if you know what I mean. That must be so annoying, though.

That must be so annoying for tomorrow's Henry, mustn't it? Yeah, but fuck tomorrow's Henry.

Yeah,

fuck him. That's the trick.
I didn't give a shit about that dude.

Yeah, I'm on Easy Street right now. If you stop caring about tomorrow's Henry, he can go fuck himself.
I do what the fuck I like.

I mean, the only thing it's such a perfect system. The only thorn I've got in my craw right now is yesterday's Henry.
It's completely fucked me over. And it's given me an absolute shit day.

So if anything, I'm going to take it out on Tomorrow's Henry

by doing even less today.

So basically, all three Henrys are engaged in a sort of rolling conflict. It's a relentless, attritional attrition.

It escalates. It gets more and more petty and small-minded.
Sometimes I'll piss on Tomorrow's Henry's socks.

just to get him back, but not

just leaving them on the sofa and that kind of thing. Yeah, it gets quite hard to keep track of.

Um,

so do you, here's a question: do you, what's your sock folding policy? Because there's lots of different approaches on this. If I can manage to get a pair together, I'll be, I'm, I'm thrilled.
Okay.

I'm a happy boy. Yeah.
And again, I feel a great sense of contentment and I might take the rest of the day off. But it's not, it's often not, often it's just being shoved

willy-nilly into a drawer and you know, to be dealt with later. But do you, because I find in life you come across people that have different sock folding techniques and stuff.
Yeah.

So, what I do is I've got this way

you take one in each hand and you sort of fold them into each other and you go round and they appear to be like a shrew and you tramps both of your hands for the whole day.

Trapped.

And then you have to try and call the fire brigade using C

and they

they come around and they free me up using

those massive sock scissors that they have to have.

They chop through them and they free me, have a little bit of flirty banter, and they're on their way.

And a call-out fee will be £700.

But no, because

people have different techniques. I've got one that I just, I guess my mum, I think, probably taught me and I've just remembered it ever since.

I turn them into a little sort of little ball with a little bit sticking out out the top. Do you do that? I'm interested.
I'm interested by the end of being taught that by anyone.

Like if I observe, taught. Yeah, I think I was taught it.
Yeah.

As long as you taught one of your brothers to drive, the other to the secret family recipes. Yeah, which is a bit tired at the end of the day.
Here you go, Henry. Yeah, here's the keys to the kingdom.

Yeah, here's a put two socks together. And no, you've already had today's cracker.

So don't give me them big wet eyes.

what I find is that the whole cycle of laundry is is anti-entropic in the sense that the universe is gradually falling apart it's becoming more and more disordered right

and laundry is just one it's just a small thing that's going the other way that you can take disordered entropy skirmish is a phrase

exactly yeah it's a small it's a very small sort of victory in the um in the battle against entropy because you know they go in the that that that they're covered in um mud and cream.

Aren't they the soil? Yeah, the standards, yeah, standards, end of a end of a Saturday afternoon. You're covered in mud and cream.

Because you do a lot of um medieval food fight reenactment, don't you? That's right. It's a spin-off of the sealed knot.
That's right.

So a lot of them will be out, you know, dressed as people from the Battle of Hastings and things, but you'll be inside dressed as a count, a German count, just hurling trifle. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, stop it.

No.

Oh, no.

I've got a sponge finger in mine eye. Oh, no.

I've got a Viennese Verl all over my torso.

Yay. Good.

And

bring in the dashons for the great lickoff. Bring in the dashons.
Oh, I just want to feel something.

I'm so lonely. Please put the bonnets on on the Dashens, thank you.

Listen, listen, I don't want to be a dick about this kind of thing, but listen, if the Dashin is not wearing a bonnet, it's not fucking fun, yeah?

It's just a fucking and then I'm just a German guy with a Dashen licking my fucking nuts, yeah?

Yes! I'm talking about the nuts on the wall, not nut cream on my knees.

Don't be disgusting.

Yeah, so he gets the little Dashens in little fucking bonnets and we don't have this conversation again, yeah?

This month you'll be paid in cream. Yes?

You have to lick it up yourself.

Yes, don't trifle with me, unless, of course, you're dunking my shins in the stuff.

Yeah, so the soiling, the washing, the drying, the folding,

restoring order, I find this whole cycle of the process very calming and enjoyable. I like all of it.
Ben?

So Ben, does that mean you're pro the forces of entropy? Because I've always suspected you might be.

I think Ben is probably driving the forces of entropy.

Benjamin.

Don't tell me it's Benjamin again.

For me, it's just that it's a household task that is never done. Like I never get down to laundry zero, I don't think.
Ah, laundry zero. Sometimes I get close.
Laundry zero is always impossible.

It's arrogant to think you could ever get to laundry zero. There is always something that there's a handkerchief somewhere on the loose that you haven't spotted.
Or there's you're never at zero ever.

So, do you know what's the bottom of my laundry basket? There's one thing that's been looking at me now. Grotesquely compacted pants.
Yes, bright red. Bright red would ruin everything.

It's been there since 2016 and it's gone to a house move. Oh, it's your Brexit top hat.

Is it your David Cameron boob tube?

it's got Cameron on one nipple and Osborne on the other.

Yeah, they can't they are hand wash only, Ben. That's right.
Hand wash all around to it. Yeah.
But because you had um, you had a thing, wasn't it?

You were going to go to the gym and you were trying to, the way you're going to you were trying to motivate yourself was you're going to wear the boob tube and you're going to get your pecs to be able to go up and down and be able to get do a little routine where David looks like.

When they're agreeing with each other, you make it look like they're agreeing with each other.

You've got to have a goal.

You've got to have body goals.

So in 2016, I went to Brazil. Yeah.

And when I was on the beach, I bought a sarong.

But it felt so sorite.

But basically, they all buy these big sort of things you wrap around yourself on the beach. I don't know if it is a sarong, but it's like a sort of...
thin blanket.

What a wonderful sight that must have been amongst the surfers and the volleyballers. Yeah.
Just this kind of ponjo. Just chase through the

but

yeah.

When I was in Brazil, I remember this woman said to me and my

girlfriend,

you are so white. You are like condensed milk.

So white and so sweet.

That's such a brick. It's very much a bricks abroad thing, that isn't it? You go abroad and you think, you you know what, maybe I do actually live the samba lifestyle in a way.

Yeah, maybe that is, yeah, and then you're mistaken for a non-perishable, and you're like, oh, never mind. Yeah, yeah.

Because actually, they wouldn't let you go on the flight back, would they? Because they thought that you weren't actually allowed to transfer that much ham without a license.

They've seen this trick before.

Someone's put a hammer in it

in a

t-shirt and

given a passport and send it on its way.

And when I had this thing around me, so I went in the sea for a swim. Then I got out.
Then a local told me I shouldn't have done that because it was full of sewage.

No one else was in the sea. No, I should have realized what was going on.
Was it one of those urban beaches you get in South America where there's like skyscrapers right next to the beach?

Yeah, it was Copacabana. Copacabana.
Because you're basing it on. Oh, you mistook that massive pipe for a flume.

That wasn't a flume, Ben.

There was too many. You shouldn't have to take a manhold cover off to get in the flume.
That's who you know we are.

Also, a flume won't have that much luxuriant tomato plant growth around

its rim.

And also, if even the vultures are being sick, that's also a cloak.

You were basing your understanding of Brazil based on sort of cool jazz standards. Exactly.
The girl from Panema, et cetera.

So basically, you're not meant to go in the sea after it's been heavily raining because that sort of slooshes out all of the sewage into the sea. And I did do that.

Anyway, then I sort of dried myself off using my new sarong and all of the ink dye came off it

all over my body. So I was then like a sort of multicoloured ham.
So you had a sort of, you had a David Hasselhoff sort of print

on your own body. Why David Hasselhoff? What do you mean?

I was trying to think of a funny thing that might have been on your sarong.

It's a good guess.

It's a great thing. It's 2016, after all.
Okay, so the ink has transferred into your skin and the sea turds have transferred into the sarong.

Not sure why you've kept this sarong, but go on.

So just because I know that it's not very colour-fast. So every time I look at it, I go, I can't wash that with anything else.
Yes. So it's just sat there.
But you're holding on to this thing.

You've not considered throwing it away.

This is an important garment. Do you still? Do you still think there's life in this sarong? Well, it's a memento, isn't it?

What do you use it for? It's at the bottom of my washing basket. It has been since 2016.

Okay. Okay, yeah.

There's got to be some sort of statute of limitations or some sort of cut-off point, surely, for the item at the bottom of the... Do you want me to get it? Is he going to see it? Yes, please.

If you're able to wrench it from the... You know, know, I know what I'm going to show.

I'm going to bring what's at the bottom of my laundry basket as well. Okay.

I don't know if you've got one, but I do.

Okay, ready? So this is the... Is it a sarong? I don't know.

Okay.

It's a patchwork

print. Oh, is it? It's got the famous Jesus statue on it, is it? Oh, so it is.

Oh, so it does, yeah. It's Christ the Redeemer.
Ben, have you never realised that? No, it's those colours.

Are you joking? Yeah, I'm not joking. You've had that for 10 years.
It's been in the bottom of my laundry basket.

It may have. Listen, that may have transformed during the time in the bottom of the laundry basket.
We may be miraculously the first Sarong miracle.

Call the Vatican. Call the Vatican again.

So, Ben, what I think you should do is stick it through the wash a few times by itself

and then

just throw it away.

And what was in the bottom of yours? So the bottom of mine, two things. So one is this shirt, which is basically the only shirt I've got that has to be ironed.

So it's just, I'm never going to, there's no point washing it because so it just stays there forever, getting more and more compacted and more and more sad. Yeah.

But weirdly, the other thing I found genuinely is a scrap of paper on which is a cartoon drawing of Mike Wozniak

wearing a baseball cap.

I just have no idea why that's down there. Well, it's hard to know how to wash those, isn't it?

It's hard to know how to wash them.

Obviously, setting.

So do email in if you've ever got to Laundry Zero and tell me how that feels because I've never been there. Well, so you've washed everything.
Or if you think you have.

But then what, I mean, what does that, I mean, how do we

are you prancing around you're flat and naked then if you're or is are the clothes you're wearing excluded from laundry zero? That's a great thing. Can you just be in your little dressing gown?

Well, I think when you're at the point where you're wearing them, but they haven't yet, so you've got until bedtime, essentially. You've not yet spilt lasagna down the crotch.
Yes, exactly.

So if you, Mike, you're looking at the first one or two minutes of wear there. Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a very, very brief window for Mike. But the same goes for dishwasher, doesn't it? You can have all your cutlery and

your plates and stuff all clean for a moment,

and then

it starts again. The process starts, and it is quick, but that's entropy.

That's the battle we're fighting, Ben. Within seconds, the forces of entropy have gathered again and they've begrimed your fork and they've beslimed your cheese grater, whatever.

And that's why I find it so sort of tragic, basically. It's a tragic part of it.
I find it disheartening. I find it heroic.
Hmm.

And Mike just doesn't doesn't care.

Mike's just genuinely got bigger fish to be busy.

Mike's got some stuff going on. It's different outlook, isn't it?

Different outlooks and different ways of fish.

Okay, time to read your emails. We've got a version of the email jingle sent in by Giovanni from Turnpike Lane.
Thank Thank you, Giovanni. I used to live

a stone's throw from Turnpike Lane.

On the Piccadilly line.

I've got a talent to name quite a few stations, and I will know which line they're on sometimes. Blow me, there's probably only about 30 million people can do that.

Yeah,

because all three of us would be able to do it

just because it's a skill, yeah, it's a skill.

Other people have skills as well.

So it's a unique skill.

Giovanni writes,

I'm a recent convert to your podcast. And though I did initially struggle to differentiate between your voices, I think I could probably do it now blindfolded in the dark.

So make of that what you will.

In homage to your homophonic voices, I've composed a rendition of the email jingle with my voice in sweet, sweet four-part harmony.

I hope you play it, Giovanni from Turnpike Lane. Well, I'm going to play it right now.
Here goes. Please.

When you send an email,

you must give thanks

to the postmasters that came before

when you send an email.

this represents progress.

Like a robot chewing a wheel,

give me a wood

that gave me strong

crash test on his meat, sown and gofung vibes.

Well done. Good.
Well done. I was trying to place it and I couldn't, but that sounds, yeah, that sounds right.
There was also a tiny bit of friends

in there. At one point, I thought it was going to go down a friends, you know, the friends theme tune route.
Really? Yeah.

But then it kind of went a bit 60s or something. I didn't know then.
It was great. It was, it was really good.
Yeah. I loved it.

And like you, Henry, I had a real, I was like, what does this remind me of? And I can't really work it out. But I think Mike's getting there.
Crash Test Dummies meet Simon and Garfonko.

The beginning, the opening few bars before the scene made me think of Crash Test Dummies in a big way. And then.
Yeah, because there wasn't the Crash Test Dummies lead vocal. No, no.

It was very nice harmonics,

which are, you know, great things at the best of times.

But even

better at a certain other time, you know, like this time.

Put it on a tote bag.

I like the way he changed key.

Let's move on now. Thank you.

It was really good.

It was quite.

What was it?

Was it like Mamas and the Papas or something? It was quite 60s, like... It wasn't quite Beach Boys, but it was something.

It reminds me, Mike, of the song Only Living Boy in New York from something I've called. Those kind of

harmonies. Yeah.

That almost goes Hammerhey, that song. It does go for Hammerhey, yeah.
It's almost like, yeah, an early Hammahe song.

Well, Giovanni, you've already got tongues a wagon with that composition. Thank you.
Yeah. Thank you, Giovanni.
It's one to chew on. Tell you what, why don't you give yourself a treat today, Giovanni?

Pop down the tube, go to the furthest north station on your line, which would be Cockfoster's. We both know that.
We all know it.

Have a walk around.

And maybe you can feel in the stones the fact that Henry once did a gig there that didn't go that well.

He could also go to the station at the other end of of the line, Henry, which of course would be Brighton.

I see all the lines as one bend or all connected.

All roads lead to Rome. Oh, no, it would be.

I mean, let me think. Via Cockfusters or via

which is what they call it in London. I'm not a big South of the River guy.
I think it's Heat Throw Terminal 4, is it?

It's one of those really romantic ones isn't it

yeah

we've had an email from justin he writes aloha beans oh

i was utterly shocked to see the following at a gas station at my local safeway supermarket i now believe the final barrier to the beans coming to a show in my hometown of kailuakona hawaii on the big island wow wow has been removed and henry will be able to survive the trip.

I will now show you the image that he has sent us. Oh more baby.

Baby coming soon. Costa, Costa is going to Hawaii.
Yeah, so if you can just explain what the sign says. They've got a sign outside that says coming soon.
Barista quality coffee.

What does that mean?

Barista quality coffee. That means this quality this coffee is of such a high level quality.
It's almost as if it was made by someone.

But it wasn't actually made by someone, it was made by the dual-purpose Costa/slash Screg machine that they're going to get put in.

Don't get those nozzles mixed up.

I've got Screg in my latte.

So it does latte, cappuccino, cortado, hot chocolate, and more. Exclamation mark.

So I assume that means that Coming Soon is a machine that's going to be in that. Yeah, that means Coming Soon is a dystopian version of what you currently do in the mornings.

Made all the way out into the middle of the Pacific, thank goodness. God, that is terrifying.
That Costa has managed to.

Especially when you consider that it was just started by two Italian guys. They had

one pony and two guys, and that was their crew.

And all they cared about was coffee and making great coffees in Italy. And quite a lot of office space in Swindon and $200 million.

That's all they have.

It's such a great story, isn't it?

You know what I find weird is new businesses where the idea is literally not an idea, but it still becomes huge. Because

Costa Coffee's idea was, imagine a high street shop that sold coffee.

That was their idea.

Right, we've got Starbucks. We've got Nero.
But imagine if there was another one.

Right, guys?

If I come up with that idea, you both would laugh me out of town. Thanks very much, because I could have 200 million pounds in Swindon or something now.
And I don't. So thanks, guys.

Like, that's not even an idea. That's like me going, okay, let's come up with a company that sells shin pads.
What about the other companies that sell shin pads? I know.

Shin pads.

These shin pads are going to make it to Hawaii one day.

And they'd be outside a garage. There'd be a sign saying coming soon.

I think, though, I think probably most businesses, new businesses, are doing a pre-existing. They're not all breaking new ground in terms of what humanity is doing, are they? Why the fuck?

It's just another cafe, another garage. So why don't we just start making sheds or something?

Sheds. Us.
Yeah. Us three.
Sheds. Shed.

Instead of doing a podcast.

I don't think we're the best three people to be making sheds anymore. It doesn't matter because you get someone else to do it.
You just have the idea of the sheds. Or

a high street shed. High street sheds.
With drive-through concessions at service stations.

Yeah. a subscription shed that anyone can access.

It's a shed that Gen Z can finally get behind.

Shed with no adverts.

Well, you can subscribe and you can have the shed with no adverts. Or obviously it could be top-loading like American washing machines.
It could be a good job on tour. Ooh.
Yeah.

'Cause people, Gen Z, love the live shed experience, don't they, I think? So I don't like the idea of a costa machine in Hawaii. It just seems totally

slightly

because you go you go away no offense to costa but you go on holiday to get away from costa don't you partly you'll still want a coffee but you want to be you just still be going to some local nice little indie yeah coffee shop i don't want to be getting lee delamere westbound vibes you want to be finding yeah exactly swindon yeah

i've seen um

i've seen the re the restocking of the costa machine in my local Tesco Express, which has a Costa machine. It's such a grim sight.

it's sort of like it's all plastic sort of it's sort of plastic white and it's an off-white plastic tubing yeah and bits of and sort of metal clamps and like a bit like unsentimental isn't it it's so unsentimental it's so not two italian guys in a donkey couldn't be further like no donkey has been anywhere near it you can tell

it's just it's just it's white tubes and like although some of the um bacteria that occurs naturally in those tubes you will be found on the inside of a donkey

That's true, actually. Yeah, that is true.

But

yeah, it's such a loveless. And sort of things are being slotted into place and like some bits are being gaffer taped together that aren't really working.

Sometimes they'll cross one tube over to another to sort of oh, Jimmy. Is it Jimmy? Did you say Jimmy? Jimmy, Jimmy Fix something?

No, Jerry Mander.

Jurymandering.

Bodge jury rig. Is that a thing? Jerry rig.
Jerry rig. It is jerry rig, isn't it? Jerry rig.

There'll be jerry rigging things. It's very difficult to jury rigging.
Yeah, which is

a federal crime, and you'll go to a Suzannex prison.

That is a federal crime.

We can't emphasize that enough, can we?

But sometimes they'll just put like a jug of yop in there for like some old like awesome like chicken chicken thighs. They'll just shove stuff in from the supermarket just to fill in gaps.

That's a found penknife.

Found penknife might be in there. Anything they've got to get rid of.

Justin goes on to say, so he contends that maybe that means we can now talk to Hawaii now that Henry will know that he'll be able to get cost of quality coffee. I certainly feel grounded.

Yeah, that does take away one of the barriers we have. The other major barrier would be visas and the fact we probably don't have any listeners in Hawaii apart from you.

It'd be a huge loss-making enterprise. It would

still bring us down.

But at least we'd have a safe cup of coffee. Yes.
Anyway, Justin carries on. He says, We do have a very small portion of land here that is officially British soil at the Captain Cook Monument.

Maybe you could do a show there.

It can only be reached by kayaks or a long, arduous hike down a lava field mountainside. That may impact attendance.

But the audience you get, they really want to be there. They really want to be there.
Or they really want you to go away. It's one of the two.

You're not going to know until you actually start the show. If you ever do make the trip all the way here, do let me know and I'll be happy to show you around the fish farm I manage.

Hello. This trip's starting to come come together for me.
Yeah, same. Is he trying to tell us that he milks fish?

Is that what he said?

Not all farming is milking.

Okay, yes. So it could be going straight to cheese.

Wheat farmers aren't milking wheat, typically.

They're exploiting it, but they're not necessarily milking it. Yeah.

But he might be milking them. I don't know.
I'll ask him. Yeah.
Hopefully we can get there and ask him someday. Yeah, maybe we will.
Maybe we'll pop by. We've had an email from David.
Hello. Hello.

But it's written to me. Ben.
Okay.

Have you got some bad blood with Cardiff Glee Club? Why? And then he's linked to a picture, which is the blurb of Mike Kozniak's The Bench show,

which is taking place at the Glee Club in Cardiff.

It says, Mike Kozniak, The Bench.

Mike Kozniak, as seen on Taskmaster, brackets channel 4, Mandown, brackets channel 4, and Would I Lie to You, brackets BBC1, as heard on Small Scenes, brackets, BBC Radio 4, and St.

Elwick's Neighborhood Association newsletter podcast, and the Three Bean Salad podcast with Henry Packer.

So, this is, I did ask Henry to

write some of my blurbs for me. Yes.
Yeah.

I genuinely couldn't remember your name.

Just be honest. Sometimes you've got to hold your hands up.

Abby from Bath Emails. Dear Beans, I've recently delved into the back shelf of the Bean Store cupboard and listening to early episodes of Three Bean Salad to help me on my long, dull commute.

I am an anaesthetist working in Swindon, but living in Bath, so I am often travelling along the M4 after night shifts, desperate to get home to my bed.

Long stretches are mind-numbingly dull, in which I hope that literally anything will happen to make it more interesting. This is monotonous, metaphorically, and physically grey, with no escape.

I honestly can't wait for it to be over. And I find the drive a little bit tiring too.
Oh,

very good. Well done, Abby.
Really good, Abby. Beautiful work, Abby.
Beautifully done. You're very nicely done.
Yeah. Badge in the post.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the old switcheroo.

Okay, I see what you're saying. Yeah, you're saying that.
What? Hey.

I thought you were trying to say. Oh, he's gone the other way.
What? Oh, he's gone the other way around.

He means that... Oh, that's what he meant.
Oh, what? So

what he said before wasn't like... I thought he's gone the other way around for there.

Oh, God.

It's the old switcheroo

charlotte emails hello charlotte this is on the topic of mattocks yes now mattucks are either a name for a fruit or a kind of weird diy tool

aren't they so mattuk is a sort of like a double-ended pick it looks like a x it's the idea okay yeah it's not to be mixed up with a shattuk

doesn't exist

which doesn't exist

so it's easy to get things mixed up with it because

it can be whatever you want it to be, really, because it's not there. But it's probably bad.
It's probably bad. A Shattuck is a shitty buttock.

Yeah,

it's a new coinage.

Just to straighten things out, what is it, the other name for a Pomelo? Shaduk. Shaduk.
Shaduk. So Tashuk.
What's that? That's the Prime Minister in Ireland, isn't it?

That's something for hewing off a moustache.

A tashuk. A tashuk.
That's for catching someone with a moustache is a tash hook, isn't it? Yeah. Or catching someone with a moustache.

Confusingly, they're the same.

They're both.

Craddock? Fanny Craddock. That's

a 1960s TV chef. Anyway, we're talking about mattocks, which is a garden implement that Michael was wielding at the end of the last series.
Yep.

Charlotte emails, Dearest Beans, my ex-husband once bought me a mattock for Christmas. Nice.
I had never asked for, hinted at, or coveted a mattock.

And I certainly had no desire to use one, but I received one all the same.

Other Christmas and birthday gifts over the years included aluminium ladders, brackets I don't like heights, a frying pan, and a single wine glass. Respectfully yours, Charlotte.

Yeah.

Well, um,

ex-husband, yes.

Congratulations on the divorce, Charlotte.

Single wine glass is particularly strange, isn't it?

I bet there's a couple of listeners now driving back from the shopping centre, glancing over their shoulder at the boot, looking at the shiny new mattock they've just bought their wife. And going,

handbrake turns. There's been an outbreak of handbrake turns.

If you follow the handbrake turns graph, it's really

peaking. Please don't do an emergency stop with a mattock in the back.
Whatever you do. Really good idea.

Shop fresh mattock.

And it can behead you through its own packaging, can't you? A mattock. That's how strong they are.

But I also have to say that I hope that Charlotte's ex-husband has moved on to find a woman who would appreciate a mattock for Christmas.

I think she's out there somewhere, and I hope that he finds her.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe an archaeologist of some sort. I think that's what that single from Ray is about, isn't it?

Between Where the Hand is My Husband? Yes, I think that's between the lines. Yeah.
He's out buying me a Mattock. Exactly.

That is a banger, that song. Yes.
And that explains

the whole bit of it about the aluminium ladder. The aluminum ladder The chorus.
Yeah, exactly. The aluminium ladder chorus.
I never knew what that meant.

I always thought that was the slang for something, but she literally meant an aluminium ladder.

That song is great. It illustrates the theory I have that the key to pop success, and this never goes wrong,

is judicious and liberal use of bongos. Okay, okay, okay, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
It's got a really good bongo thing going on. Yeah.

And people quite rarely reach for the bongo, but I think it always works. It's got bongo.
And what are those things that are a bit like

bongos that begin with a tea? So you just stick with them. And barley.

Terry's bongos.

And that's why I always reach for Terry's bongos.

It's time

to pay the ferryman.

Patreon.

Patreon.

Patreon.com

forward slash freaking bean salad.

Thank you to everyone who signed up at our Patreon. Thank you.
So many extras, so many bonuses, isn't it?

There's a lot. There is a lot to enjoy.
It's unbelievable at the moment. There's a lot for you to enjoy.
If you sign up at the Sean Bean Tea, you get a shout-out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge.

You certainly do. And you were there last night, weren't you? I was as well.
Because it was the annual Convince the Mayor that a dog is a horse competition.

It was. Thank you, Benjamin.
And here's my report. It was the annual Convince the Mayor that a dog is a horse competition in the Sean Bean Lounge last night.

The current serving and ceremonial mayor of the the Schawnbean Lounge, of course, being Merlit Kierkoofer, who attained the role by beating Rue G at Connect 4, beating Emma Foster at Wannaside Horseback Water Polo, and beating Andy Ryan, Chris Glenn, and Wood and Frog in a fight to the death.

John Rowan and Jez Burroughs made the first attempt by placing a saddled and bridled Pomeranian in a hall of mirrors, but got convex and concave muddled and made the dog appear to be smaller than Matthew James Ferry's souvenir dried earlo, that he got on a grave-digging mini-break with Sophie and Kate and Christian Eldian PhD.

Emily Best and Mal Nisbet made a better go of it by training an Affin Pincher in equestrian dressage.

Unfortunately, they trained it too well, and before the mayor could be presented with it, it was kidnapped by Stee O'Donnell, Vivian Plemons and Joe Gardner, and taken to compete in a secret billionaire's dressage tournament in Carlisle for ready cash.

The inevitable winnings were then stolen by the Matty Bosch and David Matthew, who spent it on what Jules Marshall promised them was a horse elixir, which was in turn fed with some mackerel and old sausage to a Bichon Frise that Holly Smith had befriended during one of Alex Mitchison's Bean Lounge Interspecies networking events.

The effect of the elixir was indeed to make the Bichon-Fries temporarily resemble a horse, but the horse was far too big and the Bichon-Fries slash mega horse having not been appropriately pre-warned and consented, freaked out and began a trampling and a stampede in.

Bean Loungers crushed into an instant paste included Jings Nelly, Boydie, Gareth Craft and Fleetwood Jack, a fate the likes of Neil Cocker, The Lottie and Elliot Hereford wished had befallen them, as they were all backhoofed through the ceiling and ended up in an auditorium in front of a performance of Dyson the Musical, the story of the Bagless vacuum cleaner man set to the music of Limp Bizkit and performed by John Ferguson, Chris Flapps, Al Nash, and Rosie.

The winner of the evening by default was Aubrey Povlich, who dressed Paul Sharp's horse as a dog before dressing it up as a horse over-the-dog costume and getting Jessica Mumpty to ride it in a jousting tournament versus Sophie and Froom on her slaughterous Andalusian war horse.

Thanks all. Okay, that's the end of the show.

Just a reminder that if you're looking for Christmas presents, we do have new merch at the shop, threebeansaladshop.com. Also, you can, I think, gift a Patreon membership to someone.

That's not a bad idea, is it? For a bean fan in your life. That is a nice idea.
But also, I think it's worth noting that in the new merch, it includes a new Pam range. It does.
Oh, yeah.

At last. Pam t-shirts, Pam mugs.
At last. Pam apron.

There's no Pam hair samples yet. No Pam hair samples.

But we'll see how the first lot goes. We're doing a clone your own Pam thing, aren't we? But But that's gonna be a one-off event.

That'll be a one-off event. That's an Easter thing.
And also, potentially an auctioning of actual Pam,

which is by Pam.

Although

Mike's not so keen, we haven't signed that off yet.

Very, very poor taste.

Yeah. Anyway, that's something we're still trying to negotiate that with Mike.
But I think

Pam's on site. Yeah, she's going to be about 80 quid.
About 80 quid?

Yeah, we were thinking 80 quid or nearest offer above 40.

We'll finish off with the version of our theme tune sent in by one of you lot. This is from Purple Strawberry.
Is it? And Minnie Strawbs. Well, well.

So Purple Strawberry writes, my eldest Minnie Strawbs, who has just turned 13,

sent in an email song earlier this year, which has not yet been played. Oh, dear.

I would say if that's happened to anyone, just re-send it in. All it means is that I've mislaid it somehow.

Ben, are you telling me there's literally no quality control system?

No. I thought it was like some sort of, you know,

people were almost competing to get them on, and it was a great, great feather in one's cap

to get the theme tune played. Is that not the case? No.
I mean, equal opportunities. Everything gets played.
Oh. I often don't even listen to them before I play them here.

I think we're devaluing the concept, aren't we?

It's a wonderful egalitarian system, I think. Yeah.

Anyway, so we haven't played that. Then she writes: Anyway, this has not put them off, and they now present to you a dreamy dance version of the closing theme.
Oh, nice. We hope you like it.

Much love, Purple Strawberry, and mini strawberries. Thank you, and thank you, mini straws.
Lovely, and thanks, everyone, for listening. Yes, until next time,

bye.

What's the question?

Okay,

All right, until next time. Goodbye.