One Change to Go From Being Time Poor to Time Rich with Cassie Holmes

This is a message from sponsor Intuit TurboTax. Taxes was waiting and wondering and worrying if you were going to get any money back.
Now, taxes is matching with a TurboTax expert who can do your taxes today, who gives your taxes their undivided attention as they work on your return while you get real-time updates on their progress and who will find you every deduction possible and file every form, every investment, every, everything with 100% accuracy. All so you can get the most money back guaranteed.
Now, this is taxes. Get an expert now on TurboTax.com.
Only available with TurboTax Live full service. Real-time updates only in iOS mobile app.
See guaranteed details at TurboTax.com slash guarantees. If you are anything like every other parent I know, then you have dealt with or are dealing

with a child struggling in a specific subject.

It becomes a challenge for the family.

You end up fighting. I know, then you have dealt with or are dealing with a child struggling in a specific subject.

It becomes a challenge for the family. You end up fighting over homework, fighting over tests.

This is why we need to bring in the experts. IXL is an engaging online learning platform covering

math, language arts, science, and social studies. It's designed to help kids build a strong

understanding of key topics in a fun, interactive way. With just one subscription, your child gets

Thank you. science, and social studies.
It's designed to help kids build a strong understanding of key topics in a fun, interactive way. With just one subscription, your child gets full access to lessons from pre-K all the way through 12th grade.
IXL is used in 96 of the top 100 school districts in the U.S. Make an impact on your child's learning.
Get IXL now. And We Can Do Hard Things listeners get an exclusive 20% off IXL membership when they sign up today at IXLlearning.com slash weekend.
Visit IXLlearning.com slash weekend to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Okay, so something cool has been happening in my life that I have been doing, which Abby knows because she's been watching.
I have, for the first time in five years, been setting my little alarm at night to get up very early and write. I have been writing again.
And it has been a treat for me okay me too and then here's what I've been doing with my writing each day I've been doing the same thing that I did during my early blogging days where I avoided perfectionism by saying I'm just gonna write for an hour and a half or an hour, and then I'm going to send. Press send.
And that kept me from perfectionism, which is why all the rest of my career unfolded. Okay.
What I've been doing with these little writings is I've been sending them in a newsletter to all the love bugs who are registered for my newsletter. Okay.
I don't know what the hell is going to happen. All I know is it's great fun so far.
It reminds me of my early writing days. It's just us.
It's just me writing. I avoided newsletters for so long because I don't like newsletters.
I always feel like when I get one that feels overwhelming, it feels like it's mostly just like a report of everything the person has been accomplishing in the world, which feels like, why is this for me? This feels like it's for you. Like, should I write back and say, congratulations? Like, I don't know.
Anyway, I just decided I wanted, if I was going to do a newsletter, I wanted it to be different. I want it to just be a little treat, like a little treat for me to write, a little treat for whoever's opening it to like give them a little joy for the day.
So it's called A Little Treat. I'm loving it.
I just sent my first one out last week. I think people are really liking it.
And obviously, if you want to register for the newsletter, you have to give me your email address. Obviously, I will never do anything shady with your email addresses.
Okay. I wouldn't know how, but even if I could, I would never, I will protect your email addresses with my life.
If you want my little treat newsletter,

which will not be a list of my accomplishments, it will just be a helpful little story.

Go to glennandoyle.com. You'll see a signup box in the top middle of the page where you can submit your email address and that's it.
Okay. And then if you're on Instagram, you can go to my page,

click the link in bio, and you'll see sign up for newsletter as the second button. Click that button and submit your email address.
And then you'll get the little treat in your inbox. Yeah, exactly.
A little treat from me to you. Yeah.
And also just for those listening, like you guys don't understand how much joy this is bringing Glennon. Every morning I walk upstairs to get my coffee and she's like, I did it.
I wrote a thing. I did it.
And she's doing it every single morning. And it's so fun for her and the joy that it is making and bringing to our family.
It's been a full on real treat. I know.
And by the way, it's a little treat because I was talking to Lizzie Gilbert about this two days ago because she was so excited that I was writing again. And I said, I forgot that the reason I haven't, one of the reasons I haven't been writing is because I always think I have to write a book and it's so long and big.
And I don't know things that are long. I don't know things for a long time.
Okay. I don't know how to explain that, except I only know things shortly.
But then I'm clear. I'm like, wow, I know that thing.
And I write it down and then it's over and I forget it and it's not connected to anything else. So that's why this newsletter is so good for me.
It's a little bit of wisdom, a short wisdom, and I can let go of knowing things long. Yeah.
All right, you guys go to glennandoil.com. You're going to see a sign up box in the top middle of the page where you can submit your email address.
And if you're on Instagram, go to the page, click the link in the bio, sign up for the newsletter. It's the second button.

You can do it.

We love you.

It's going to be a treat.

Also, there's no news in the newsletter.

It's a no newsletter.

I just don't know what else to call it.

It's a non-newsletter.

No newsletter.

Bye.

Okay, PodSquad, as is news to none of you, we are living in an epidemic of time poverty. This feeling of having too many things to do and not enough time to complete them repeat forever.
So today we are talking about practical ways that we can change our mindset so we can live happier. Now I know this sounds like bullshit.
That's what I thought. But here's the deal.
We're talking about how the stories we tell ourselves about our time literally change the way we perceive our time and make us feel less time poor. The professor we have

on today is here to tell us that despite all evidence in our lives to the contrary, there is

such thing as enough time that most of us already have it. But it's how we are thinking about it

and what we are thinking about during that time that makes us feel like we don't. She's here to

give us the tools to make that shift, to take back our time, and to take us out of time poverty. Cassie Holmes is a chaired professor at UCLA's Anderson School of Management, an award-winning teacher and researcher on time and happiness, and best-selling author of the new book, Happier Hour, How to Beat Distraction, Expand Your Time, and Focus on What Matters Most.
The course that she developed and now teaches, which is Applying the Science of Happiness to Life Design, is among UCLA's most popular courses for graduate business students and executives. Cassie, welcome to We Can Do Hard Things.
Thank you so much for having me, and I'm so excited to talk about how it's not bullshit. Thank you for being open to the skeptics among us.
I'm sure I really projected too hard. Some people were like, that doesn't sound like bullshit to me.
We would love to start with you taking us back to your epiphany on time poverty when you were on the train from Philly and what you were going through there and what you thought was your kind of only way out. Can you take us to that moment in time? Yeah, absolutely.
Because I would have agreed at that point that it's all bullshit, right? The idea that you could have enough time to do all we set out to do. So when I was an assistant professor at Wharton, I had traveled up to New York to give a talk at Columbia's Business School.
And this talk was sandwiched between back-to-back meetings. So, I'm rushing for meetings, then into this super pressureful talk, and then into more meetings, and then into this colleague dinner.
And then I looked and I watched and I was like, oh shit, I need to leave. I need to catch a train.
So I jump in the cab and I'm yelling at this cab driver, not someone who yells. And here I am yelling and he is already speeding, but I'm telling him to go faster because I couldn't miss that last train that would get me home to Philly where my four-month-old and husband were sleeping.
And I did make the train that night, but I remember so vividly, I sort of sunk into my seat, totally exhausted, totally overwhelmed. and as I was looking at the nightlights was biased, like, I cannot keep up, right? Between the pressures of work, wanting to be a good parent, wanting to be a good partner, wanting to be a good friend, but those never ending pile of chores, there was too much to do and not enough time to do it.
And I wanted more time and I wanted more time, not just so that I could get more done. I wanted more time so that I could slow down so that I could actually experience the time that I was spending.
And so that my entire life wouldn't end up passing me by in this blur. And that is time poverty, right? It's this acute feeling of having too much to do and not enough time to do it.
And on the train that night, feeling extremely time poor, extremely unhappy, extremely stressed out. It was like, the solution is obvious.
I need to quit my job and move to a sunny island somewhere, right? With this idea that if only I had a whole lot more time, if only I could spend the hours of my days relaxing, doing exactly what I wanted, then I would be happier. And right.
And it's like all of us who feel time poor have our version of that daydream of like, just walking out the door, quitting everything. And like, you know, husband, let's talk for life at the beach, you know, or even like, bye, husband, bye, kids, bye, don't.
Yeah, or husband, let's not pack for the life at the beach. Right.
And so I thought that maybe if we had just a whole lot more time, then that's the secret to happiness. And it turns out the answer is no.
And I'm happy to speak to data that shows us so. And I'm also happy to speak to ways that I have sort of informed by my research since been thinking about and approaching my time, recognizing that time isn't just the barrier, that it can actually be the solution if we spend it in the ways that matter.
If while we're spending it, we're thinking about what matters and ultimately finding not just happiness, but that satisfaction and that joy, that sense of meaning that we yearn for Because what we don't want is at the end of our years to look back with regret. Before we move on to you getting into this deeper, I just want to make sure the pod squad understands that what Cassie is saying, I think, is that time is sort of like money in that we think the answer that will make us happier is just to have a ton more of it.
But all the studies actually show that it's a bell curve, that it is true that money buys happiness up to a point. And then you get to the top of the bell curve.
And then after that, the more you make, the less happy you are. So is that true with time also? That the more you're saying that there is a sweet spot, but the answer is not just endless amounts of it.
Yeah. And I think that data is a little less clear on money than it even is on time.
But we're going to circle back to that piece because it's the perception that is the thing, right? But tell us about, because you are going to have to hard sell to this crew, why moving to an island is not going to fix us. But it's also might be a relief because that is not possible for almost all of us.
So tell us why we can give up that dream and why maybe we even should. Yeah.
And I do want to circle back

to this sort of relationship or comparison of time and money. So the reason having more isn't

always better with respect to time is because we found in our data that people are averse to being

idle. And so when you're spending all of the hours of your day,

day in and day out,

and this isn't the weekend, this isn't vacation,

this is in the regular cadence of your life.

When you have all the hours of your day

spending how you want, relaxing,

then what we find is that undermines people's sense of productivity. It undermines their sense of purpose and that leaves them less satisfied.
And so this bell curve, this, I started to talk about it like a rainbow or an arc where happiness goes down on both sides of the spectrum. So we are less happy when we have too little time.
So that's the time pour, right? And that is because we feel heightened levels of stress and that stress makes us feel less satisfied, less happy. This other side where we found that there is such thing as having too much time is because of lower sense of purpose.
And from that, we feel less satisfied. But there is this sweet spot, as you said, Glennon, where it's actually flat for a pretty wide range.
And our data, what we did was we analyzed data from the American Time Use Survey. So it captures how tens of thousands of Americans working and non-working, how they spent the hours of their day.
And so we could calculate how much time they spend on discretionary activities, those things that we want to do versus obligations, those shoulds, those things that we have to do. And what we found was, at least in this data, that those who had between two and five hours of discretionary time in the day, it was actually flat.
It was not about how much time you had, which means that it's about, okay, how are you spending that time that you have available? and what's also really interesting is when you go to that side of the rainbow, the too much time side, what we find is that it actually depends on how people are spending that discretionary time. So when people are spending more than five hours of discretionary time in the day, relaxing, doing activities that are solo, that are not sort of feeling worthwhile, productive, then you see this too much time effect.
That's sort of watching a lot of TV, the social media, the sitting on the beach for yet another hour, you know. But we find that when people are spending their discretionary time in ways that are personally enriching, whether it is engaging in a hobby or something that you're learning about, or those sources of joy, you know, whether it's playing the guitar or learning how to play the guitar, or for me, it's playing tennis, then you don't see this drop-off effect.
Also, the role of social connection is really important when we see that when people are spending their discretionary time investing in those relationships that you don't see, not only does it flatten off and it doesn't go down, but it actually continues to go up. So that's to say that this daydream of just living, relaxing on the beach, that's where you get the too much time effect.
And that's actually where you also see among retirees, why you see reduced sense of satisfaction. You might see it among, and we see this in the data, among empty nesters.
So once your kids go off to college, then all of a sudden you're like, oh my gosh, I have all this time. Where's my sort of purpose? Where's my sense of productivity? And then the important thing is to then invest that time in ways that are those enriching, that feel worthwhile, not sort of sitting on the couch forever, which I know in this group, none of us are sitting on the couch forever, but just to say that that is not something to aspire towards either.
Interesting. So do I hear you saying that because there's all these elements of like meaning and community and all of these things, which we're going to get to.
At the lowest common denominator, do I hear you saying that if I can locate two hours of discretionary time and invest it well, that I am at the top of that rainbow? Yes. You're sort of entering that sweet spot, which is important because for those of us who are time poor, I will say that the idea of two hours, are you freaking kidding me? There is no way.
No, to be honest, I'm scrolling that shit for like 45 minute intervals. I know I have two hours.
I'm just using it poorly. Yeah.
And actually when, and I have my students and I encourage folks to do this as tracking their time of being like, oh, in the week, how are you actually spending your time? And then as importantly, and we can talk about this, of like, how do you feel out of those times when you come out of those activities? How are you feeling when you're tracking your time? You actually do recognize that there's a whole lot of time or not a whole lot. There's more than you think.

There's probably two hours.

There's probably two hours.

And even is this not just sort of discretionary wasteful time.

I started doing this where I was like, okay,

even thinking back to that time when I had my baby and I was an assistant

professor kicking my ass to work towards tenure.

And I had my partner and my friends, like in that era of the train night, I was like, okay, looking at how I spent my day in the morning, I got those 20 minutes snuggling with my little guy before heading out the door. And then talking to my best friend on my commute home, then sitting down with my husband, even though it's only 30 minutes, it's still 30 minutes with a glass of wine, having dinner, and then singing my baby to sleep.
Those are minutes that I wouldn't have wanted to spend in any other way. And when you sum them up, it's like, okay, it's not quite two hours, but it's close.
And then that's sort of some of this, I wouldn't say epiphany, but realization of like, okay, there are times in our day, even for those of us who are time poor, that A, we can make it available by pulling from other activities that maybe the scrolling or whatever that aren't necessary and not all that satisfying to be honest. But then there's also, there's good stuff that's already right there in your time if you notice it, right? And the noticing is everything because, and I want to circle back to something Glennon said about the money analogy, because when I had to go back and read like four times your definition of time poverty, because I was like, wait, the definition is the feeling of having too many things to do and not enough time to complete them.
It's not having too many things to do and not enough time to complete them. It's not having too many things to do

and not enough time to complete them.

It's the feeling of it,

which is exactly what Glennon said,

which is that some people,

there's poverty and poverty is below

a certain threshold of money.

You either have that or you don't.

You can feel any which way about it,

but you don't have that money.

It's below the poverty line.

But people who are rich feel like they don't have enough money. It is the feeling of that.
And then their actions, that kind of anxiety of I don't have enough, I don't have enough, keeps them pushing past it. It isn't actually that they don't have enough money.
And I want to dig into that with this because we kind of, if we decide we don't have enough time, we will make it so, right? Because we're going to spend our time thinking, oh shit, I should be doing this. I should be doing that.
I don't have enough time to do it. Can you talk to us about the barriers to what, for me, it was liberating to know two hours is enough if you can find it.
Like there is a definition of enough. And I think I want to talk about like what the barriers to that enoughness are that you talk so much about that have us feeling like there isn't enough time.
Yeah. And it's super important to recognize, yes, the definition of time poverty is that feeling of not having enough time to complete what you set out to do.
Now, there's a couple angles of that that are interesting. And with income, yes, you are absolutely right.
And the data shows that when you don't have enough, when you're below a certain threshold, there's absolutely a relationship between money and satisfaction in life, well-being. And then once you get up to a certain amount, it sort of levels off.
There is sort of messiness in the data and conclusions from it. But there are very rich people who objectively have enough money who don't feel like they do because of, there's lots of these things, social comparison, hedonic adaptation, et cetera, per time.
On the one hand, it's really great that it's subjective because it means that maybe there's something that we can do. We can address those barriers that we can speak to what those are to make us feel like we have enough.
But I will also say that when I was recently analyzing data, so we collected data around time poverty in the nationally representative sample to see who is feeling this way. Demographically, what are the groups that are more prone to feeling time poor and what we see is that there is a gender effect maybe not surprisingly but I was like actually I think that's pretty is surprising because when we're controlling for whether you are working whether you have a partner who's working all of these other factors that women tend to feel more time poor than men.
And I shared this with my husband of being like, yet another injustice of women feel more time poor than men. And he was like, oh, that's so great.
That means it's in your head. And I was like, no, that is not the takeaway from this.
It's not in my head. It is an experience and then picking up, okay, what are those factors that make it so women, moms tend to feel more time poor than dads.
And I know, Amanda, you've sort of talked about this sort of holding up the sky. It is that.
It is not just the activities that we're doing, but it's all the coordinating and planning and thinking about not only what you're doing, but what everyone around you should be doing at any moment. And this idea of, okay, if we're looking at the definition again, the feeling of not having enough time to do what you set out to do.
So what are you setting out to do? Yes. That's a big thing of what do we put on our to-do list? It is endless and it's influenced by these things of social media, these things that I could be doing, you know, our phones allow us to be doing.
I mean, we can do anything at any second at this point. We can take a course.
We can learn a language by going nowhere. And so this endless opportunity of things to do at any moment and then social media, you see all of the other things that people are doing.
And then this sense of things to do at any moment. And then social media, you see all of the other

things that people are doing. And then this sense of what I should be doing for everyone in my family and the coordinating.
So it's good to recognize that maybe we have a little bit more control over our to-do lists than we might think.

That's one sort of avenue into combating time poverty. Okay, if you were fixing your bra straps, fussing with digging wires, or battling your bra during this podcast, stop right now.
You'll want to hear this. Those bra problems, those brablems you thought you had to live with, third love has solved them.
They take the frustration out of bra shopping and make it easy to get what you want, whether it's ultimate cleavage, a smooth look, or stopping your shirt buttons from pulling. They feel amazing too with a perfect fit in over 60 sizes, including half cups that you won't find anywhere else.
With half cups, you're never stuck between two sizes that don't fit. And real women test every style before it's given the green light.
And their bras don't just look great, they're made from top quality materials for comfort and support, whether you're a double A cup or an H cup. So stop settling for bad bras.
Now's the time to treat yourself and get your problems solved. Save $15 on your first order with code podcast15 at thirdlove.com.
Easter is right around the corner and it is one of my favorite holidays. We always have a big family brunch with my parents and Sissy and some of the kids at our house.
And with such a big group, there's a lot of prep that goes into it, mostly by Abby. But Macy's helps Abby prepare for Easter because they've got everything we need for hosting, decorating, and of course, shopping for the perfect Easter outfit.
Abby,

tell the pod squad what you're most excited to buy for this Easter. The Le Creuset mini coquette.

It's a dish, like a Dutch oven. Oh, it's those fancy dishes you love.
They're the best. Let's

talk about those Easter outfits. Loving the tweeds and florals for spring.
Macy's has so many

adorable options. I did see this flowy one state dress and maybe some kitten heels from Kate Spade.
And don't forget accessories. Macy's has the best selection of sandals, handbags, fashion jewelry, and watches.
Plus they've got everything you need for your Easter table, like dining decor, food prep essentials, and cute toys for the kids. Shop in store or online at macy's.com now because Easter prep starts here.
If there's anything I've learned so far this year, it's that small little habits make a huge difference. That's where Symbiotica comes in.
They make choosing healthy habits easy, enjoyable, and something to actually look forward to. One of my favorite products is their Magnesium L3N8.
I love adding it to my routine because it helps with focus and clarity, especially since I've been dealing with brain frog lately. With thousands of five-star reviews, this product speaks for itself.
This stuff does work. I use it.
And here's the best part. Symbiotica's supplements never contain seed oils, preservatives, toxins, artificial additives, or natural flavors.

It's all clean, effective goodness.

Feel your best going into spring with Symbiotica.

Wellness made simple.

Claim 20% off plus free shipping today at symbiotica.com slash glennon.

That's C-Y-M-B-I-O-T-I-K-A dot com slash Glennon for 20% off your order plus free shipping. So as part of perceiving that you have enough time, the approach to that, trying to start perceiving that you have enough time, similar to trying to start perceiving that you have enough money in that if you don't know what you're setting out to do you will never have enough because if you don't know you're not being intentional about actually these are my priorities and how I spend my time and so if if I'm doing those things, I'm okay.
Is it about intentionality? Let me give you an example. I was driving, I was stuck in traffic on the way to a soccer tournament while I was listening to one of your podcasts, Abby and I were.
And you mentioned this exercise you do with people, which is asking them the five whys of the thing that they're doing in the moment, which to me speaks to getting to intention. So I was sitting in horrible traffic.
We were in like two hours of traffic and I was not upset. Let's pause here for a moment of silence that Glennon was in two hours of traffic and was not upset.
You're about to hear something miraculous, whatever comes out of this. No, I mean, I was upset, but I wasn't my usual level.
Okay. Right.
Right. To me, I was peaceful.
Okay. So I was thinking about that.
Why am I not upset? Because I am on my way to support my kid and I'm with my wife. So this is the thing that I value the most, and I'm doing it right now.
Then I was thinking back to two recent times when I was in traffic on the way to a work event. I became diabolical.
I was so furious and upset, okay? Rewind to several years ago

when I would be in traffic on a way to a work event

and I would be a little frustrated, but not diabolical.

Okay, the reason why, and I thought this through

for the rest of the car ride

as I was listening to your podcast,

is that when I was in the car

on the way to a work event several years ago,

I was doing it because I was supporting my family,

It can be a good one. But when I was in the car on the way to a work event several years ago, I was doing it because I was supporting my family.
Because I knew that me going to that thing was going to bring us enough money. It was a version of love for me.
Now, when I was in that recent car, I was furious. Going to work.
Because that's bullshit for me now. I have enough money.
So I actually was going to that job for a different reason. Like I couldn't identify the why underneath the activity.
And that is what made me furious. It's not the thing you're doing, right? It's not the event.
If you're playing tennis because it brings you joy, then that is going to be the antithesis of time poverty. If you're playing tennis for some other reason, to keep up with the Joneses or whatever, it's going to add to your time poverty.
So how do we get to the story beneath and talk to us about the five whys? Because actually not how we're spending time that matters, is it? It's the why we're spending that time that matters. Absolutely.
And I'm so excited to talk about this because it is exactly what you're saying, Glennon. It is the why you're spending your time.
Are you spending your time on what matters to you and not what is a should of what matters to you? And also, to be honest, if the work that you're doing is simply for the paycheck, that's also not all that satisfying. It is really, whether it's in the work domain, whether it's in your personal domain, it's doing what matters to you.
And then the question is, okay, what matters to you? Because absolutely, there are not enough hours in the day to do everything. So it's really about prioritization.
It's about making sure that you're spending at least some of your time on those things that matter. And then the question is, okay, what matters, right? What are those ways of spending that matter? And there's a couple of ways into this.
The purpose is the one that you're talking about right now is understanding why. Why are you doing it? And then the reason I love the five whys exercise is because often when I'm like, find your purpose, people are like, what, how do you even get their purpose? That's so lofty.
If you don't feel like you're living out your calling, then it can also be quite sort of threatening feeling like I don't have a purpose. What is she talking about? But the five wise exercise is really helpful because it allows you to dig down and see what drives you.
What are those goals? So in the five whys, it's like asking yourself, why do you do what you do? In the work context, it can be your job. If you don't sort of work for pay, it can be how you dedicate your time, spend your time.
And then you ask yourself, why are you doing that? And then oftentimes that first answer is pretty superficial. It might be for the job.
It's like for money. Cassie, so this doesn't feel too lofty or esoteric.
Can you do this exercise with us? Yes. Instead of just describing it, can you run us through one of them? Like Amanda, would you be willing to experiment with this? Sure.
Sure. Okay.
So in reading your book, you had this example of how you resigned from some board that you were on of your kid's school or some fundraising thing they were doing for your school. And you realized that's a no for me, but a yes for me that feels real is going on the field trip with my kid.
I can support the kid in that way. And that really rang for me.
And so I've been trying to think about what is my why of why certain things feel like, yes, and I don't feel mad about the time, but certain things I feel like someone is attacking my body if I sign up for it. So like my example would be coaching the girls in everything.
Yes. Doing anything with other adults that involve the school things.
No. And the question is why, right? So it's like, if I'm like, what do you spend your time on? So it sounds like you're going into the sort of personal realm, spending time doing kids stuff.
Why do you do that? Because I want to support my kids. Why is that important to you? because I want to be involved in their lives and get to know them and spend time with them.
Why is that important to you? Because I want to know them and for them to know me and have a safe place to explore. And why is that important? Because I want them to feel safe and empowered in the world.
Fabulous, right? So then it is you coaching soccer. It is so fulfilling because that is you allowing them or giving them a sense of security and feeling of empowerment so that they're ready to sort of tackle the world.
Wait, what was the example of something that was like so great? I don't know. Anything.
God bless the people. It's not a bash, but like anything with the PTA situation or other adults of things.
Because the story is wrong there sometimes.

I have done that too, where I've been in those rooms and I feel like, okay, we all came here

because somebody told us that this is,

we're here to support our kids.

And then you make it halfway through a meeting

and you think, wait a minute,

I feel like this is not even anymore about the kids.

And some of us are just trying to prove we're like alphas.

Some of us are, we're actually working out social stuff or we're actually working out our fucking childhood wounds in this cafeteria. But Glennon, people are doing that with coaching too.
I know. It isn't the vehicle, it's the motivation.
Right, but that's why you have to figure it out for you. That's why I was like, oh, I want to help my kid, but I'm going directly to the classroom.
I will cut shit. I'll cut out snowflakes with you.
But I will not. She means literally cut things.
Yeah. But also like for the parents who are super involved in the PTA, like for some of them, it's super rewarding because their why is that they are connecting into their community.
Yeah. For them, it is about, or not all, right? The parents that I am so appreciative of, and every time I interact with them, they spend so much time at school, and yet they make me feel like not the asshole for not spending time.
And I realized that they're doing it because that is their community and their world. And I guess part of it has to do with the kids, but it's actually a place where they are sort of implementing their agency.
They are finding their sense of productivity. And so to your point, it's the reason I love the five whys and identifying your purpose.
It's not a blanket of a researcher or anyone being like, that is a good use of time. That is not a good use of time.
It is for yourself. What matters to me so that you can be really clear for yourself? What is a good use of time? What is something to say yes to that you won't regret when it's actually time to do it? And when you're spending the time, even if you're stuck in traffic, you're not so angry because you're like, this is worthwhile.
And again, it can happen in a professional realm. And when I did the five wise exercise for myself, it was so game changing because it was very clear to me what in my professional activities are worthwhile.
So I identified for my five whys, my purpose is to create and disseminate knowledge about what makes people happy. And with the why for that, to increase the emotional wellbeing of those immediately around me and in the world.

And so when I have a professional opportunity, that is, say, even if it's like traveling

away from my kids to give a talk, when I'm like, this is about disseminating knowledge

about what makes people happy, I'm like, yes.

And when I get the little, like meeting someone after the talk, then I'm like, oh, it worked. It's worth it.
Yes. It also might pay for a vacation where I can have disseminate happiness, you know, for myself, but it's really versus showing up to a committee meeting where this is about anyone's happiness.
No, this is what drives me next. So it's really helpful to understand your purpose, your why's using the five whys exercise, because not only does it inform what to say yes and no to, but even when you're doing the unfun parts of these things, like sitting in traffic or like doing something work-wise, when you know the why, it feels better.
It is less toxic versus those activities that have no why or that it's like you're pulling in other people's shoulds. That's the stuff that's so painful.
It's the beauty of looking around and being like, oh my God, you genuinely love this shit. You over there, this thing I could not even begin to love.
Like, isn't it cool that we all have different things? And so if you're spending your time in a place that feels like life force extracting, it doesn't mean you're bad or wrong. It means that you're doing someone else's should.
Keep looking because there's a why for everybody. It totally touches back to this idea of money and really people's notion of success.
That is so dangerous and tricky because success is all out here. And what is success versus when you know your purpose, then success is very clear.
It's like you are investing in something that fulfills that. Of course, there is not enough people who have more money when you ask them or a lot of money.
And if you ask what's a salary that would make you happy, it's always more than what they're currently making. And so money you can't use as a metric of success.
Also, if other people's respect of you, that is sort of never ending, you know, they will go up and down. But if you are very clear on what your metric of success is, what your why is, what your purpose, then that's the satisfaction.
That's like when you're making progress, it feels so great. And you don't get sucked into this social comparison because what matters for you is different from what matters for them.
And then this is also really fun because you get to be really authentically like a cheerleader for other people because it doesn't feel like competition. You're like, yes, you do you.
And yes, I'll do me. And hopefully they're cheering for you too.
This is why it was so difficult for me in a professional sport.

I played soccer for a long, long time. And I think that this is why it was so difficult for me to understand happiness for myself in it.
Because all of us in this weird way had these like arbitrary goals that would deem us successful. and I never was able to like look outside of the box and figure out actually what I was in it for myself for, because we collectively kind of buy into this idea that winning is the thing.
And so the older I got, the more mature I got. And I think maybe the happier I got in some ways, because I was like, oh, this is more than just winning.
But I had to actually do that personal work to figure it out for myself rather than just like take on the group think idea of

what I thought was going to be the thing that made me the happiest. Totally.
I think that I know more than anyone on this entire planet that having the right therapist to talk to can make a life-changing difference. That's why I think Alma is so cool.
Alma connects you with real therapists who understand your unique experience. You can use their directory to search for someone who specializes in the areas that matter most to you, whether that's anxiety, relationships, or anything else.
And what stands out to me about Alma is that 97% of people seeing a therapist through Alma say their therapist made them feel seen and heard. You know, I love that.
That level of connection isn't something you can get from scrolling through online advice or following social media. It's about finding someone who truly understands your journey and is dedicated to helping you make progress.
Better with people, better with Alma. Visit helloalma.com slash hard things to get started and schedule a free consultation today.
That's helloalma.com slash hard things. Okay.
I'm excited to tell you today about MidiHealth. If you have heard our menopause episodes, you know how passionate I feel about women having access to information about their bodies and about something that so fundamentally affects their lives.
Here's the deal. If you're over 40 and you're starting to experience some of the symptoms of perimenopause or menopause, if you're having hot flashes, insomnia, brain fog, moodiness, all of this can be related to perimenopause or menopause.
log on to MidiHealth. I have done this.
It is easy. In fact, I have recently been pursuing with MidiHealth hormone therapy to replace some of the hormones that are diminishing in my body.
There are clinicians, they meet with you and they suggest specialized care for your health concerns. It's all through telehealth and 24-7 messaging,

and they call in your prescriptions to your local pharmacy. You deserve to feel great.
Book your virtual visit today at JoinMidi.com. It is spring.
That means that time away, vacation or breaks or travel, solo or with the fam is upon us. Quince has the perfect travel situations.
And if you want, perfect for home too. Here's the thing about travel.
I don't want to wear hard pants really ever, but especially during travel. I want to wear soft pants.
I need clothing that is breathable and honestly that barely even touches my skin. I want to feel like I'm wearing pajamas, but look like I'm wearing an outfit.
I'm here to tell you that Quince has answered my ask. For your next trip, treat yourself to the luxe upgrades you deserve from Quince.
Go to quince.com slash hard things for 365 day returns

plus free shipping on your order. That's q-u-i-n-c-e.com slash hard things to get free shipping

and 365 day returns. Quince.com slash hard things.

Thank you. That's hard.com slash hard things.
It makes me feel like your work is so hopeful because even with the idea of purpose is so hijacked. When people say, well, I have to do something according to my purpose.
Everyone thinks purpose is something that comes to me from the outside. Like my purpose has to be world peace or whatever, insert altruistic situation.
But what I hear you saying when you say we need to be in our purpose is that it's an internal thing, that living in purpose is just living on the outside in alignment to what is important to you on the inside. What is important to you, not important to your community or your school or your world even, but can we look at the things we're doing and ask the whys for the negatives too, right? Like if we're feeling ragey about something that we're going, we feel like we're not in alignment.
Do the whys help with that to get to, if I'm feeling empty and frustrated, do you have experiments with that where we can get to the why we feel frustrated because we're out of alignment? It's a signal that it is either super counter to your purpose, that it is a barrier keeping you from the purpose. So it's almost like a signal, I am getting so upset or I'm so hurt by this because it is tapping directly into that thing in you, your purpose, or, you know, I put everything in this realm of time when you're spending your time in a way that is so maddening and you come out of it and you're like, oh, that was such a waste.
It is because it was not sort of, it feels wasteful when it's not supporting your purpose, but it feels really painful when it's like thwarting your purpose. That's good.
Yeah. It's like the upset can either be a confirmation of your purpose.
Like you are so upset about this because it bullseye into the thing that you're supposed to be doing, or you're upset by this because it feels insulting to your soul. you know, on a deep level, you should be nowhere near doing this thing.
Yeah. It's a waste of time.
It's one or the other. I would love to get a little granular now that we know what we should be doing, what, not what we should, what is for us? What is our why.
There's a few things that, can we talk about distraction? Because that really blew my mind because I thought, okay, all right, two hours. So I'm like going in, I'm like, Doyle, you have two hours.
You can do this. Like find our two hours.
But then I realized that as I was doing all those things, I was like, this is my two hours in my head. I was doing another thing And I have bad news for everyone.
If you're doing another thing while you're doing the thing, the thing you're doing doesn't count. It really sucks.
But like, that's why moms feel more time poor, right? Because they're spending the time, but they're not actually spending the time. Yeah.
It's fine to be distracted during, there are activities that we have to spend time on that are not in line with their purpose. They are just part of life.
You know, there are chores that we have to do. And it's fine actually to be distracted during that time because even bundling can be really helpful that it makes that time that you have to spend anyway.
That's not so fun. You can bundle it with something that is more satisfying or enjoyable to make that time less.
So Cassie suggests you're folding laundry, listen to a podcast, you're on your commute, read your book. This isn't a sentence that you have to endure.
This is pain. Okay.
Then we're bundling now. Okay, go ahead.
So distraction isn't always bad. Bundling can be good to get through those sort of taxing times, but it is really bad when, for those of us who feel really time poor, like we don't have enough time yet, we're spending on these activities that, you know, on the face of it are totally aligned with our purpose.
Like they are, you know, with our kids. And if your purpose is to make your kids feel secure and prepare them to conquer the world, why are you sort of not actually experiencing that or noticing that in your day? And that also comes from distraction.
Actually, there's interesting research where they would like ping people during their days and ask, what are you doing right now? What are you thinking about? And how do you feel? And what they found is that people's minds are wandering. They're not thinking about what they're doing as in they're distracted 47% of the time.
Almost half of the time, we are distracted. We are thinking about something other than what we're currently doing.
And what they also saw was when they asked, how are you feeling? They found that people tended to be happier when they were paying attention to what they were doing. And this was across different types of activities.
That is, engagement,

not being distracted, can be really good for us mentally. Like, it makes us feel less sort of scattered, but it also lets us notice the good stuff that's right there in front of us.
Now, sources of destruction are phones, are major, right? It's like just sitting on the table next to you. There was an interesting experiment where they had friends dining together and they either told them to leave their phones on the table like we normally do or to put their phones away out of sight.
Those whose phones were away, they enjoyed the time with their friends more because they were less distracted. They were more engaged, but simply having the phone on the table, even though they're not on the phone, simply seeing it there, it's distracting because it draws our mind to all those other things that we could and maybe should be doing at that moment.
And another thing that is a source of distraction for me is my to-do list that is constantly running in my mind, thinking about planning for what's next. Thinking about and planning for what's next absolutely pulls me out of what's happening right now and whom I'm with.
And so we have to be careful, particularly when we're spending time on in these ways that are sources of fulfillment, sources of joy in line with our purpose, that we want to put our phones away during those times, that we want to quiet that to-do list so that we can pay attention. Now, we've been talking a lot about time poverty, which is really this

sort of thinking about the hours of our day. How do we get as much done or can we accomplish what

we need to in these 24 hours or even like in this week? But time, actually, in my early research,

I think it's like, wait, but time's the stressful thing. And it's like, no, what I've come to learn is that when people take a step back and think about their time in their life, they're thinking about their years, not about the hours of their days, then that's really clarifying.
So I have, in addition to the five whys exercise, which helps people identify their purpose, I have my students, you're going to be like, oh my God, this one's terrible. No, they're done.
They've already probably both done what you're going to say. Yeah.
I have my students write their own eulogy. So projecting forward to the end of their lives and taking the perspective of someone who survived them and describing what was this life? How did this person show up in their minds and their hearts? And that eulogy exercise is so powerful because what it does is it makes people think about the years of their life.
It clarifies their values, what matters to them. And while at the outset, it might sound like a sad exercise, it's actually really empowering because when you take that perspective, thinking about time more broadly, the years of your life, then it's like, oh, that's what matters.
And that's how I should spend my hours today. So it's informing.
So both the five lives for purpose, the eulogy exercise for your values. And then there's also the counting times left exercise that makes you stop being distracted during those sort of precious, most joyful minutes.
I don't want to hear that one. That one's too much for me, but just based on what you just said, but I love the eulogy one because I'm constantly thinking about, we all want to avoid deathbed regret.
And truly the only way we can do that is to avoid bedtime regret, right? It's like looking at your life, as Annie Dillard said, how we spend our days is inevitably how we spend our lives. So figuring out what your big whys are by writing your eulogy and then aligning your daily time with what your big whys are means you go to bed knowing that you spent your day in a line with your whys, which means by the end of your life, you will know that you spent your life aligned with the whys.
And I just wanted to say one more thing about what you were talking about with distraction, which is that I think about this all the time because I go to a 12-step meeting every morning and there's something magical that happens to me in those, which I don't know what it is and I'm not worried about it. I just know that it's good for me for the day.
Except that every once in a while, Cassie, I log on and then I online shop for the whole meeting. Okay.
I am on there. I look at my face every once in a while.
I appear to be present and that's what matters. And then I online shop and you'll be shocked to know that those days don't go as well for me.
Okay. So I've.
But really cute shoes. Great shoes.
Yes. So I've started to think of it as like, okay, we can know that if we go to the lake and we jump in the water, that we are going to feel better the rest of the day.
We don't know why, but we know that that water, but when we go to these things and we don't have our mind and hearts there, it's like we've driven to the lake, but we're just gonna stand there on the shore and then leave and then wonder why the experience didn't wash over us and change us the way it usually did, right? When you are going to the lake because it feeds

you, you have to get wet or it will not take effect. So is it because it's connection that heals us? Is it because when we're not there mentally, we're not getting the connection that is the jumping in the lake.

Yeah.

So connection is one way to describe it. It's that you're not actually experiencing it.
Yeah. You are distracted through it.
And connection, I'm really glad you brought that up because in terms of interpersonal connection, it's super harmful.

Not only are we distracted and it keeps us from experiencing it, but those around us know we're distracted and therefore they're not going to show up. They'll also be grumpy and hurt because you're not there with them.
And so, yes, it's connection to the moment. It's connection to yourself and it's connection to those whom you're with.
Can I just say one thing about the distraction piece that I have an aversion to distraction shaming for all of the reasons like this country wants to have their cake and eat it too. This country wants women to carry the mental load, but then they also want to shame them for being on their phones at the playground.
And they want you to make sure that you figure out what the kid is wearing tomorrow for spirit week, but they don't want your ass thinking about it while you're putting them to bed. So I was always like really annoyed by that.
But reading your work is the first time I was like, oh, it's not for them. It's for me.
I'm not having this experience. Exactly.
I get it. I get to have this experience.
If not, I just, at the end of the week, I'm like, why do I feel so depleted? It's because I didn't have any of the experience I experienced.

Like I didn't have any of them. I was just doing three things at once for all of them and therefore doing none of them.
So if you are annoyed by the talking about distraction, what I just want to say is try it out for yourself and see if you have a better experience. And then incidentally, if that makes everyone else have a better experience, good for for them also just choose the activities that matter to you to not be distracted you can be distracted if like going to the playground isn't your source of joy then that's a bundling thing you're like okay i will shop and get things done but if going to your playground is actually the time when they get to see you then put your, then put your phone away.
So it's not like always have your phone away, always be engaged. What it absolutely is for those activities that really matter to you, that are in line with your purpose, that are you living out your values.
Those are the times, put your phone away, pay attention and the rest of the hours of the day, fine, be distracted, fine. Yes, you will show up for things you don't really want to do, but it's okay because at the end of the week, you will feel fulfilled because you fully felt, you fully invested, you were totally there on those things that mattered.
And yeah, so your schedule will be full. You will be busy, but you'll feel fulfilled.
Unlike the moving through and driven by shoulds and driven by broadened ideas of success as opposed to your own purpose and values. Beautiful, Cassie.
Okay. I don't think it's bullshit.
Thank you so much. You win, Cassie.
Thank you so much. You're wonderful.
You're absolutely wonderful. Well, thank you all.

This has been, I've been so excited.

You guys don't know this, but we're totally best friends because I listen to you often.

I love it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, we loved your book.

So good.

Thank you.

And thank you for being here with the crew.

We appreciate it.

Awesome. Thank you.
Bye thank you for being here with the crew. We appreciate it.
Awesome.

Thank you.

Bye, PodSquad.

If this podcast means something to you, it would mean so much to us.

If you'd be willing to take 30 seconds to do these three things.

First, can you please follow or subscribe to We Can Do Hard Things? Following the pod helps you because you'll never miss an episode and it helps us because you'll never miss an episode. To do this, just go to the We Can Do Hard Things show page on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Odyssey, or wherever you listen to podcasts, and then just tap the plus sign in the upper right-hand corner or click on follow.
This is the most important thing for the pod. While you're there, if you'd be willing to give us a five-star rating and review and share an episode you loved with a friend, we would be so grateful.
We appreciate you very much. We Can Do Hard Things is created and hosted by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle in partnership with Odyssey.
Our executive producer is Jenna Wise Berman, and this show is produced by Lauren LaGrasso. Thank you.