Armchair Anonymous: Public Transit

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now.

Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.

I'm Dak Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Padman.

Hi.

Today is crazy public transit stories.

And let me just glance about these.

Yeah.

Well, I'll tell you, subways are hot spots for action.

They sure are.

There's a lot that goes down on those public transports, yeah.

Yeah, it.

Well, I'll tell you, it made me want to use more public transportation.

I could see that, yeah.

You got to get on the bus.

I'm missing out on a lot of stories.

Yeah,

one was like, okay, I'll just, yeah, forget it.

One was wild, right?

One almost made you throw up.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Yeah, there's a pretty, there's a hard to listen to one in here.

Don't listen.

Don't listen.

All right.

Bye.

Enjoy.

We are supported by Peacemaker.

Peacemaker is back in the new DCU.

The Action Pack series follows Chris Smith, aka Peacemaker, a mercenary turned superhero, and the 11th Street Kids, a team of disgraced government agents as they struggle to find their place in this world.

Amidst mind-bending twists and a powerful government agency on his tail, Chris finds himself tempted to leave this life behind for something new.

From the director of Superman and Guardians of the Galaxy, the DC Studios series Peacemaker premieres August 21st at 9 p.m.

on HBO Max.

And unpack all episodes of Peacemaker on DC Studios Showcase, the official podcast, wherever you get your podcasts.

We are supported by Boar's Head.

Back to school time means back to lunch packing time.

And what hits harder than a perfect sandwich?

And not just any sandwich.

You can become your kids' lunchtime hero when you pack them a sandwich with boar's head premium craft deli meats and cheeses.

And of course, boar's head is not just for kids.

It's for everyone.

Nothing beats an afternoon slump quicker than a good lunch.

If you feel yourself fading at your desk, that means it's time to take a break and reward yourself with a boar's head sandwich.

I love a boar's head sandwich.

I love the oven gold turkey.

Oh my gosh.

That's my favorite.

Yeah, don't rule out, though, the boar's head maple honey ham.

I can pile that sky high with a little mustard mayo.

Oh, and it is a party.

Elevate lunchtime with boarshead.

Discover the craftsmanship behind every bite at your local boarshead deli or deli counter.

Boarshead, committed to craft since 1905.

Hard times, come and go.

Good times, take them slow.

My life,

I had them both.

Remember one thing,

you gotta know.

I'm gonna keep them shining.

Hello.

Hi.

What fake name do you want?

I'm gonna go by Jess on behalf of my coworker, who's also a huge armchair fan.

I told her I would use her name as my fake name.

Okay, cool.

Shout out, Jess.

Where are you?

I'm currently in Baltimore, Maryland, sitting in the lactation room of my office.

Oh,

it has a little fridge in here, a microwave, and a couch.

Netflix?

They ought to put Netflix in there.

They do want you to bring your laptop in and probably continue working, but I guess you could probably sneak in a little bit of watching time.

No one's going to enter the lactation room.

That's for sure.

That's a safe place.

When I worked at the front desk at Soul Cycle, sometimes there was an afternoon shift and there were breaks between the classes.

And sometimes I would watch TV on the computer.

Oh, yeah, that's funny.

Yeah, that's natural, right?

I've never admitted that.

People watch TV at work, I think.

I'm not going to rat out anybody I work with.

Okay, so you have a public transit story.

Yes.

So it actually takes place in Madrid.

Oh, great.

This was when I was 16 years old.

I was a junior in high school.

It was around 2015.

One of the things that my high school offered was a trip to the respective country in which you've been learning the language of.

So they had Italy, France, and Spain offered to the students that were taking those languages.

For me, I had been taking Spanish since kindergarten.

At the time, I was really sharp with it.

I wish I still was, but that was an awesome opportunity.

And I was really lucky because it was an extra cost.

And my parents offered to pay to let me go.

On the trip, it was 40 Spanish students and then there was three chaperones.

So there was two Spanish teachers that tagged along, and then one PE teacher from one of the schools in the district.

Who got a free trip to Spain?

Yeah, I guess.

I think you'll learn later why he was important for the story.

I was 16.

I didn't really have any spending money of my own, and my parents had paid for me to go on the trip.

So, additionally, they gave me some spending money.

My mom sent me up with my first ever debit card.

She put like $150 US dollars on that.

And then my mom also got out 150 Euro cash for me.

But one of the things my mom really emphasized was that there's a lot of pickpockets in Europe.

Just be careful.

Be aware of your surroundings.

Make sure you keep your money like in your front pocket, somewhere close to your body.

And I was like, Yeah, yeah, whatever.

You don't know what you're talking about, mom.

We got to Madrid and then the first day we spent exploring the city center.

They took us to the shopping district.

We kind of all ran wild, you know, with my 350 total US dollars for a week-long trip.

That first day, I bought a wallet from one of those Spanish leather shops.

I thought it was really fancy.

So I had immediately taken my money and my debit card out of my old wallet and put it in the new wallet.

I stuck my new wallet in my bag, and the bag I was carrying around was a bucket bag.

It's very open.

Yeah.

It's not secure.

The one I had was a tie closure.

So it was like half open, half closed.

So really just going against my parents' advice.

He threw that advice right out the window as soon as you got to Madrid.

Like, what's the gapiest bag I can carry?

Well, for fashion.

I wanted to be a little stylish on this trip.

Some additional context.

I wasn't really the most popular kid.

in high school.

Obviously, I had friends, but for some reason, when we got to this trip, the group of students kind of split up into two.

It was like like all the upper echelon popular kids in one group and then the rest of us in the bottom half.

The ground lanes.

Yeah.

So you can imagine which half I fell into, but I still had friends there, but essentially like half of the kids on the trip just didn't talk to us the entire time.

Oh boy.

We were done shopping for the day and the teachers wanted us to head back to the hotel.

So a big part of our Spanish education is we learn a lot about the metro and the different types of modes of transportation native Spanish people take for their commute day to day.

And they were like, Oh, why don't we go use the metro to get back to our hotel?

So we all head down to the tunnel.

We loaded onto the train and it was pretty packed.

It was Spanish locals, and then my entire high school class that was there.

Looking so obviously like tourists.

Screaming tourists, just a bunch of kids not knowing where they're going.

They were standing room only.

All of a sudden, I just feel something's off.

I slowly just slide my hand down into my bag to see if if my wallet's there.

And my bag is empty.

Oh,

I turn to my friend next to me and I whisper, I'm like, I think somebody just pickpocketed me.

And so we turn around and there's this suspicious looking guy behind me looking up and then looking back down.

And I think he realizes that we're on to him.

So we turn back around and then all of a sudden my wallet just kind of like, appears on the ground.

Oh, that's good.

Remorse.

I snatch it back up.

I open my wallet and the money is gone.

My debit card's still there, but the cash is completely gone.

I was like, this is the only money I have.

I need to get it back.

And I know this guy just took it.

I turn to my Spanish teacher who's sitting on one of the chairs and I say, hey, I think this guy just pickpocketed me.

Is he making his way out of the train car or he's still in there?

We're still in route.

And you can't go into another.

train car.

Could you walk in between them like on a subway?

No, it's really crowded.

So you would have to very obviously push that okay okay okay i tell my spanish teacher and almost immediately she just snaps into action and she's yelling at him in spanish she's saying something like it's a young girl we're on vacation please give her back her money and he's responding to her in a language that i don't recognize i later found out that he's speaking in portuguese which i guess it's very common for Portuguese people to come into the tourist centers of Spain and rob people.

So she's yelling at him.

It's causing a scene.

And then all of a sudden, the train comes to a stop.

And then the doors come open and he immediately tries to split.

And then the PE teacher runs out after him, pins him up against the platform wall.

Oh, yay, gym teacher.

We all pile off the train very quickly.

And all of a sudden, everybody starts to gather around.

And I guess as the guy was leaving the train, he had handed off the money to his accomplice, which was a woman.

She got dragged off the train too.

And then all of a sudden, you just hear the Spanish police running down the platform.

Oh, they were on it.

There's like a sea of people, but it's split down the middle.

The guy is pinned up against the wall by the PE teacher.

I'm standing there with my Spanish teacher.

the Spanish police and the woman who has my money.

The Spanish police are yelling at her, I guess, telling her to give it back.

And then all of a sudden, you just see her take her hand and shove it down her pants.

Oh, down the front.

She felt frisky.

No, I think she's

trying to hide the money in her vagina.

Uh-oh, really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

She put it up her vagina.

She just thought, okay, I'm going to put it here.

No one's going to search me here.

I doubt it made it into her vagina.

That would take a minute.

Sorry, Jess.

So we're all watching this.

The police, me,

and all of the students.

And she is groaning and making weird noises while doing it, too.

Whoa, so maybe it is a cat.

I told you.

There's a lot on the plate of the teachers.

They got a bunch of teenagers.

I know.

This woman's manhandling her vagina with a fist full of stolen money.

What a thing to do.

And as we now know, teachers are just humans, too.

Yeah, they were probably 28.

Mind you, this is day one of a seven-day trip.

Eventually,

everybody's watching in awe, gasps, kind of like

coming from the audience

as she's trying to, I guess, store this money for later.

And then eventually, the Spanish police get her in handcuffs and then they get the guy in handcuffs and they kind of roll them away.

I'm standing there, and then all my friends rush up to me.

They're like, oh my God, are you okay?

That was crazy.

Also, some of them just laughing because of the ridiculous story.

All of a sudden, one of the girls from that upper group I was talking about runs over to me and she like links arms of mine.

She's like, oh my God, I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.

She wanted to be a part of it.

She did not leave my side for the rest of the night.

And later that night, I begged my Spanish teacher.

So I was like, please don't make me call my mom because this is just going to prove her right.

Yeah.

And they're like, no, you have to.

They make me come to their hotel room at night.

They give me their cell phone.

Mind you, that girl is still with me.

And then she's calling her friends from the hotel room like, oh my God, I can't believe this happened to us.

Oh my.

She's a heat seeker.

My mom was like, I'm not sending you any more money.

You should have listened to me, which I should have.

Celeste.

Did they ever retrieve the money from her vagina and return it to you?

They did not.

And I don't think I wanted it at that point.

That's the problem.

She knew that when she stuck it up there.

That money still spends.

I would want it back.

Wow.

So that was it.

And then normally, if you were home, you'd probably have to go into court and testify against them, but you're leaving the country.

So you never heard anything about it again?

No, they dragged them away and we didn't hear about it again.

Was your PE teacher feeling wonderful after that?

I guess.

It makes sense why they would tack him on as one of the chaperones of the trip just in case an altercation like this went down.

Yeah, safety measure.

He earned his keep.

He did.

He earned that free trip.

Shout out.

Wow.

Well, I'm sad you didn't get your money back but that is a good story that's worth 150 before we wrap up i just want to say thank you for doing your podcast i've been a listener since this podcast started so this is such a cool opportunity when you guys started the armchair anonymous series i was like damn it nothing interesting happens to me i'm never going to be able to submit to this and then i heard the first travel or vacation story prompt that you guys did and somebody had a similar situation where they got robbed.

And I was like, I have a story, and ever since then, I've been waiting for a prompt.

You manifested it.

Yeah, I did.

I've learned so much from the guests that you've brought on, the amount of books that I've read as a result of all the experts that you've brought on.

I'm an engineer, so my job is very technical.

So, whenever I listen to your guys's podcast, it's a good kind of brain break to explore more gray area stuff.

Oh, thank you.

We're so delighted you're a part of it all.

Thank you guys so much.

Have a great day.

Watch some Netflix in there.

Take a break.

Yeah, I'm going to wait about 30 minutes before I get back out there.

All right.

Great meeting you.

Take care.

Bye, guys.

We are supported by Nordic Naturals.

Did you know that only 20% of Americans get enough omega-3s from their diet?

Join the 20% and discover the power of Omega-3 with Nordic Naturals.

Nordic Naturals is the number one selling Omega-3 brand in the U.S.

with products formulated to support your whole family, including kids and pets.

You know, I was heavily recommended to up my Omega-3, and I was recommended by my doctor to get Nordic Naturals.

And I've been on it long before they were a sponsor.

And by the way, my Omega-3 levels are dynamite now.

Nice.

If you've tried other omega-3 supplements, you might have had what those in the biz call fish burps.

Not cute.

And not with Nordic Naturals.

Their best-selling Ultimate Omega fish oil provides concentrated omega-3 support without any fishy aftertaste.

I can confirm that.

I would never have anything that included fish burps.

Use promo code DAX for 15% off your next order at Nordic.com and discover the power of Omega-3 for yourself.

That's Nordic.com, promo code DAX for 15% off.

These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.

This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

We are supported by Wild Planet.

Love canned seafood, but having a hard time finding a high-quality and sustainable option, Wild Planet has wild-caught, responsibly harvested tuna, sardines, and more.

It's seafood the way nature provided it, with less processing and more delicious nutrients.

If you're a trend chaser, tinned fish is having a moment this summer.

Sea couterie boards and tinned fish date nights are blowing up on social media.

And haven't you heard?

It's sardine girls summer.

What's wild tastes better?

Not only does Wild Planet taste good, it's good for you and the planet.

You haven't had canned tuna like their Albacore tuna, a solid tuna steak without any fillers, just cooked once in its own juices.

It's an amazing source of clean protein with 33 grams in each can.

It's time to bring tuna salad back into your lunch rotation.

Wild Planet is offering Arm Cherries 25% off and free shipping through August 15th.

Go to wildplanetfoods.com and redeem coupon code DAX.

That's wildplanetfoods.com, promo code DAX.

We are supported by JCPenney.

Guys, do not sleep on JCPenney.

They've got stylish clothes for everyone in your life.

Yourself, obviously, your parents, your kids, your friend's new baby.

There's something for every age, everybody, and every budget.

Yeah, the budget part is huge because scoring a great deal is one of the last socially acceptable forms of bragging.

So true.

Why does it feel so good when someone gives you an outfit compliment and then you drop that you paid less than they think?

It's just really satisfying.

Yeah, and then you tell them where you got it.

It's from JC Penny.

Yes, JC Penny.

It's so good.

I just got a second pair of Levi's that are just blowing my mind.

They had a wash on there.

I couldn't find anywhere else.

And boy, God, I look, I just, I'm approaching Beckham status with these slacks.

Nice.

So if you've been sleeping on JCPenney, wake up and check it out.

They've got fashion worth bragging about.

And they've got a great reward system too that makes every shopping trip even more worth it.

Shop jcpenny.com.

Yes, JCPenney.

Test, test.

We hear you, but we can't see you.

Hold tight.

Here we go.

Oh,

here we go.

Look at this broom.

Got a drum kit behind us.

What do we got?

Little man cave.

Yeah, that's the drum studio.

Stick monkey studio down here in the basement.

What kind of kit are you playing?

Tama.

Oh, nice.

I'm going to say that your shirt is of a VW thing.

That is correct.

Are you so impressed, Monica?

Do you know what a thing is?

No.

Well, okay, show her the whole shirt now.

But I got that from the windshield.

So the story about this thing is a year ago, I was at a classic car show.

There was a charity raffle.

I bought a $20 raffle ticket and I won a 1973 VW thing.

No way.

Was it in gorgeous condition?

No.

There's a reason why people donate cars to charity offices.

For the last eight months, I've been restoring it.

First was mechanical safety because it ran, but it didn't stop.

And then there was an enormous amount of rust that had just invaded the whole car.

So I just finished that restoration.

So we've been enjoying that over the last two weeks.

And then I kind of have a bigger plan.

Can I guess what the plan is?

Go ahead.

WRX motor.

Nope.

I'm going to try to pull a Downey Jr.

I'm going to drop the engine and pull the gas tank and convert it to an EV.

Okay, another great option.

Yeah, that's a cool option.

Okay, so you have a public transit story.

She knows once we get on cars, we could never come back.

I'm into that, but we're here for the show.

So let's get the public transit story.

So I live in Boston.

Boston has a subway system, which is actually the oldest subway system in in the nation.

Part of that system is kind of like a trolley more than a subway.

So when you go down, there's no lowered ground.

You literally enter at ground level.

In 1992, I had just graduated from Northeastern University.

I was valet parking cars because I didn't have a job yet from my major.

That's a job I always wanted and never had.

Did you love it?

It's a lot of fun.

Being a car enthusiast, you got to drive a lot of people's really expensive whips without owning them.

And then tips.

It was a good gig.

I got off of a really long shift.

I lived in an area of Boston called Alston, which is, you know, maybe five miles up the road.

You would typically take the T, the subway home after the end of the shift.

So the place I was valeting was right across from the Boston Common.

So I went to the Arlington tea stop.

I go down the stairs and I'm waiting.

and I'm waiting and I'm waiting.

And I realized that I probably missed the last tea of the night.

Right.

Bummer.

Now I got to blow part of the tips that I just made on getting a cab home.

So I go to walk upstairs and the staff has locked the place up tight.

Oh my God.

You're in jail now.

They didn't check.

I am locked in the subway station under the city.

Remember, I said it was 1992.

We didn't have cell phones.

Right.

Or flashlights in your pocket.

And I'm a 22-year-old guy.

So I'm still not really fully formed.

I'm not even thinking to look for an emergency phone or even a pay phone.

I just think to myself, well, I've been riding the T for five years.

I know where I am.

And if I look up the subway tracks, three blocks up is Copley Square.

I could probably walk up the subway tracks and get to the next stop.

Okay, so I'm co-signing on this plan, but are you not thinking you'll surface from that station and the gates will also be locked there?

Again, reiterating that I'm 22.

And, you know, the stations themselves are illuminated, but the space between the stations are really not that well lit.

But I start on my way and I am immediately welcomed by the city's rats.

There's just a lot of those guys just hopping all over the place.

For some reason, I got the Chris Reeves Superman movie from the 80s in my head where the guy is hiding in the Heidey hole.

Lex Luther pushes the button and it pushes him out so he gets killed by the the train yep yep and so i'm like okay are they moving trains maybe after hours am i gonna make this fortunately i make it to cooply square without dying or getting eaten by a rat oh and to your point earlier though dax of course it's locked it's after hours the whole place is locked yeah yeah the whole subway system now i've got a real dilemma because now i know where i am and there's not a point that it surfaces as the trolley on the street for half a mile mile maybe one way to the left left is known as the E-line, which is where I had gone to school at Northeastern.

I know that way, but that's not where I live now.

That's the wrong way.

And then straight ahead would be through the Heinz Convention Center to Kenmore Square, and then the trolley surface up there.

I'm like, that's where I live.

That's where I want to go.

I'm going to hoof it.

Yeah.

Oh,

what other choice do you have?

You're not going to sleep on the ground.

I think that is what you do.

Most people, I think, probably would have slept.

I start up the next leg, and this leg would be much longer, and there's still plenty of rats to keep me company.

And

about maybe three, four blocks up, I miraculously come upon an emergency exit.

Oh,

it's a door.

I open the door, and there's kind of a stairwell that looks like it's going to nothing.

So I start to climb the stairwell.

And as I near the top, I see a little bit of light.

And it turns out that I am walking up a staircase to a street grate

in the sidewalk.

There's an emergency handle there.

I pop the handle.

I flip this grate up.

And as I'm emerging, now it's like, you know, 1.15 in the morning.

All the bars are letting out.

It's summertime.

Everyone's having the time of the life.

And they're looking at me like, what in the world?

There's a subterranean teenage mutant

dweller coming up.

But fortunately, I'm out and I'm free.

And you're lucky no one fell in.

I don't even remember if I closed it.

Who knows?

You know, I was just so happy to be out of that situation.

I look at my watch and it's 1.20.

Last call's at 1.30.

Right across the street is a place called the Cactus Club.

Referencing a lot of stuff from Boston.

Over in Harvard Square, there used to be a place called Hong Kong and they would do this thing called a scorpion bowl, which is basically a mixing bowl of rum.

Cactus Club had its equivalent of that.

They had the cactus bowl.

And this is for like three to five people, right?

You normally have that with your friends.

I walked in, I ordered one of those, and I suck the whole thing down.

That's going to help.

Well, it's going to take the edge off, right?

This is one of the most Boston stories ever told.

Boston's got a lot of referencing points, you know, you got to know where you are.

So now totally inebriated, but at least a lot less stressed, I walk out, I grab that cab.

Yeah, because now you don't give a fuck about spending money.

Not at all.

Yeah.

I'm alive.

I'm drunk.

I get home.

My now wife, then girlfriend, obviously sound asleep.

I'm like, hey, wait till you hear this story.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, my God.

I would have been having those same Superman flashbacks.

I can see it very well.

And anytime I think of being in a subway tunnel, I think of Lex Luthor.

Monica, did those ring a bell?

Did you ever see those ones, the early Superman?

No, I didn't.

Gene Hackman was Lex Luthor, and he had this incredible lair under the city.

It was gorgeous.

He had like a supervillain cave attached to the subways.

There's one footnote to the story.

Years later, I'm in sales now.

I'm now working for this company and I have an opportunity to sell the service to the MBTA, the T.

I get a meeting at their headquarters.

I'm in the big conference room with all the maps and the guys come in and I'm like, listen, before we talk about what we're here to talk about, I got to tell you guys a story.

Yeah.

Right.

And so I tell this tale.

I can't tell if they were totally aghast or they were like, ah, that's par for the course.

But needless to say, I got some good cred going into the meeting.

We didn't end up closing the deal, but it doesn't really matter.

It was the point of telling the story.

Well, you're so honest because you could have easily said you closed the deal.

He just demonstrated some integrity.

I love that.

Yeah.

Well, Matthew, this has been a damn joy.

Yeah, how fun.

My wife is a huge armchair.

I guess this was a prompt a number of years ago, and she knew the story and she missed it.

And so when the prompt came up again, she's like, we got to get you in this time.

She wrote it.

She didn't really write it all that well.

I had to obviously rewrite it sure with all that color but she would love to say hi yeah please get her in here jen here we go

and if you want to do a drum solo i'm also up for watching that hi there jen nice to meet you nice to meet you both i have to say you're the soundtrack of my life oh good so nice that's flattering i used to always cut out articles in like the times or the globe that would pertain to like a friend or family member and now i just send different episodes to people.

Oh, I love that.

Send away.

Yeah.

It's like a multi-level marketing system.

Yeah, we need you.

I got you.

I got you.

Driving user listeners.

Well, it's delightful to meet you guys.

You're so fun, both of you.

Thank you so much.

We really appreciate what you guys do and we love it.

Okay.

Thank you, brother.

Take care.

Bye.

Hello.

Hello.

Oh, you have the role.

We both have the robot on.

Oh, my God.

How cute.

I didn't get the memo.

Monica.

You're in your closet.

Yes, you sound great.

I'm trying to make some conclusions based on your wardrobe.

I do think you live somewhere that's cold.

Yes.

I'm in Chicago.

Oh,

can we presume this story is about the L?

Yes.

Oh, good job, Monica.

Thank you.

I know about the L because Matt Damon goes on it in Ocean's 11.

And you know why it's called the L?

Because Matt Damon goes on it in Ocean's 11.

That's right.

And his name starts with an L.

It stands for elevated train, right?

Yes.

You're not impressed.

I'm looking right at your face.

Oh, you weren't even listening.

You already bailed out.

I was thinking about Matt Dan.

You know, you know, once I say his name, I do have a minute or two.

You go through like his greatest hits in your head.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who's your number one celebrity crush?

I don't get as obsessive about the crushes, I get obsessive about fans.

I'm a big Taylor Swift fan.

Oh, yeah.

Monica.

So I feel like I get more into that.

But I am watching The Pit, and Dr.

Robbie is big crush right now.

He's doing it for you.

It's just the hottest.

Oh my god, it's hot as it gets.

Okay, let's get to your elevated train story.

I don't know what the spirit that Monica was not impressed with.

Oh, I'm impressed.

This takes place two summers ago.

It's Lalapalooza weekend.

Do you guys know what Lollapalooza is?

Yes, music.

Big music festival.

I know the original one, Julia.

Oh, really?

Yeah, back in the 90s.

I've never gone to Lala.

It overwhelms me.

It's very crowded.

But normally I would not take the L home at night.

I tend to transit their Uber home to be safe.

But I feel like most of the fear around being on transit at night is when it's an empty train car.

And since it was Lala weekend, all the trains are packed super late.

We went to an after-show and it was like one in the morning and there's still a ton of people.

So my girlfriends and I were like, this is fine.

We don't have to ride that far.

There's a ton of people.

Nothing will happen.

So my girlfriends have to get off two stops before me.

I'm the last one to get off.

Probably like the stop right before they have to get off.

This man boards and he is holding like a cup of brown liquor.

He's got the glassy eyes.

He immediately grabs this open bag of flaming hot Doritos that's on the L and just starts like shoving it into his face.

He's got the red all over his mouth and then he locks in on us.

Uh-oh.

Wait, and when you say us, how many?

It's me and three other girlfriends, but they're all getting off at the next stop.

Oh my god.

Everyone's a little like, uh-oh, do we want to leave Julia alone?

We don't really want to.

So we're all texting each other.

And I was like, I have two more stops to go.

It'll be fine.

We went to the concert with another friend.

He's sober at home downtown.

He doesn't live north like us.

So I was like, I will call Sam, and he has his wits about him.

And if something happens, he'll be aware of it.

It'll be fine.

We are supported by Liquid IV.

Boy, have I been doubling up on Liquid IV because I am just sweating up a storm down south and I've got to have my electrolytes.

When I was in New York, it was so hot.

I was walking everywhere and I really needed to replen.

You've got to carry them.

Listen, however, you're soaking up the last bits of summer, you can capture sun-drenched memories with the Orange Vanilla Dream Hydration Multiplier from Liquid IV.

This nostalgic vanilla flavor with notes of candied orange is not only going to help keep you hydrated, it'll instantly transport you into a happy summer mood.

But don't worry, if that one's not your vibe, they have so many delicious flavors to choose from.

I do love that orange vanilla dream.

I think I love the nostalgia of it as well.

Liquid IV is your trusted sidekick.

Just pop one of the hydration multipliers in your backpack, purse, car, wherever you are, you can fight dehydration on the go.

Just one stick and 16 ounces of water hydrates better than water alone.

With three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink, Liquid IV is a simple way to make sure your hydration stays on point.

Savor the last bits of summer with Liquid IV.

Tear, pour, live more.

Go to liquid IV.com and get 20% off your first order with code DAX at checkout.

That's 20% off your first order with codax at liquidiv.com.

We are supported by Squarespace.

Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to create a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place.

Our website functions beautifully.

So seamless.

Like a Swiss-made timepiece.

And it was all designed on Squarespace by Wabby Wob, and it was easy.

The cutting-edge design tools on Squarespace are a game changer.

With Blueprint AI, their AI-enhanced website builder, you can create a fully custom site in just a few steps.

It generates premium content and personalized design recommendations based on your brand and goals.

Plus, their intuitive drag and drop editor makes it easy to fine-tune everything to your liking.

But Squarespace isn't just about looks.

Their integrated SEO tools help you get discovered faster online.

Every Squarespace site is optimized with meta descriptions, an auto-generated sitemap, and more.

So you show up more often in search results and attract your ideal customers.

Ready to claim your corner of the internet?

Go to squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code DAX to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

That's squarespace.com and promo code DAX to get started today.

We are supported by True Classic.

We're really excited for this new sponsor.

You know, we love brands that provide both quality and affordability, and True Classic does just that.

It's a menswear brand that has casual classics like tees, pants, socks, and briefs, and everything is designed to fit perfectly.

You'll get that tailored look without sacrificing comfort.

True Classic uses quality materials that are made to last, and they stand behind that.

They have a made-to-last guarantee.

If your item isn't right, they'll replace it for free within 100 days, no questions asked.

Now, I've not needed to return anything from True Classics.

Everything I've gotten is fit like a glove.

And what truly sets True Classic apart is the mission behind it all.

The brand leads with purpose, with a focus on uplifting men in their day-to-day lives, as well as giving back to underserved communities.

They work with several community organizations supporting the veteran community, homeless shelters, schools, and cities in need after natural disasters.

So, not only are you investing in quality clothing that's going to make you look good, you can also feel good supporting True Classic.

True Classic is built for comfort, built to last, and built to give back.

You can find them at Target, Costco, or head to trueclassic.com/slash tax to try them for yourself.

So I give him a call, they get off, and now the guy moves to sit directly across from me.

No.

How old is this guy?

I would say maybe late 30s.

Hard to tell.

Okay, late 30s.

All right.

So not like a 60-year-old.

I call Sam, my friend, who's at home, and I'm like, hey, he's feeding me like, I don't know if you see like those TikToks, people on social media, what to say if you're in an Uber and you think you're being kidnapped.

And it's like, yes, I'll meet you at the stop, trying to like make it sound like somebody's going to be there when I get off.

He's like, it's probably fine.

I doubt anything will happen.

You only have two stops.

And we get to my stop, the Belmont stop.

And I get up and he gets up with me.

Oh.

And so I'm saying to Sam, he's getting off with me.

And he's like, don't panic.

It could just be his stop.

Just try to get out of there as fast as you can.

So I like fly down those steps to that train station, turn the corner, just power walking down the street.

And for a second, I think he's not with me.

And so I was like, okay, I think it's fine.

And then I look over my shoulder and he rounds the bend and is just staring at me still.

And he's picked up his pace.

No.

Oh my God, you're being chased now.

Yes.

I'm so glad I was on the phone with Sam because I don't know if my brain would have done the smart thing in that situation.

I live four blocks from the train station.

So my gut was like, can I just outrace him home?

But Sam was like.

Cheesy's is right there.

It's like a late night drunk food grilled cheese place.

And he's like, they have a bouncer.

Go in there and ask them for help.

So

I duck into Cheesy's and the bouncer is like this big guy.

And I'm like, don't let that man in behind me.

He's following me from the train.

And so he stops the guy and the guy's like arguing with him.

And then eventually the guy starts walking away.

So the bouncer comes in and he's like, are you good?

You can sit here as long as you need.

Is someone going to come pick you up?

I was like, I live three blocks from Cheesy's.

It's fine.

I'm still on the phone with Sam.

I will wait 20 minutes.

I'm sure it'll all pass.

Did you have a grilled cheese while you waited?

No, but I've had many grilled cheeses since.

Okay.

I'm sitting there talking to Sam and I look up and Cheesy's has a glass huge window storefront and the man did not in fact leave.

He walked to the end of the front window and has plastered his face and hands against the glass and is still staring at me.

I'm sitting at like a table right by the door.

So I tap the bouncer and I'm like, hey, he's still there.

So he goes back out there.

chases him away again.

I reset my 20 minute clock.

I'm like, it's still fine.

I'm not going to get picked up.

Sam lives like a 20-minute drive from me.

I'm like, you do not need to come all the way up here to give me a ride home.

Talking to the bouncers, just hanging out.

Five minutes maybe go by.

And this man's coming back.

He's running down the block and he's yelling and pounding his fists on the door.

Bouncer grabs another bouncer.

They both go out.

They've got like their batons out this time.

And they're like, hey, get away from here.

Get away from here.

Pushing him off down the block.

So now I'm pretty shaken up, but I'm still like, okay, there's no way he's coming back after he's been chased away with these batons.

And Julia, I don't want to victim shame here, but no one's thinking to call the police at this point.

Like, why don't we get the police involved?

I'm in pure panic mode.

Poor Sam probably was so confused about what was going on because he's just getting me being like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

And the bouncers kept being like, don't worry, we've got it.

It's also very Chicago.

Yeah, these things happen.

It feels like a lot to call.

And that's a really crazy part of town.

Yeah, people are doing things.

I'm starting to warm up the idea of getting a ride home, but what seals the deal to get a ride home is that he comes back another time

and he has a crowbar.

Oh, and he was trying to smash the front window of DZ.

Fucking God, he's deranged.

He was determined.

I don't know where he found that.

It's like 2 a.m.

Now the whole restaurant's like, what's going on?

Everyone's seeing him at the window.

It's packed because it's Lollapalooza weekend.

So the bouncers are like, get in the back.

And so I'm in the back hiding because we're like, maybe if I'm out of sight, I'm behind the bread in the back big will and the other guy go out there the bouncers i don't even see what they do but they come back afterwards and they're like okay how are you doing i'm so scared i was like my friend is on his way he's coming to get me and they were like we're so sorry this happened i was just thanking them profusely and he's like my name's big will if you could write us a five-star review on google mention our names i was like absolutely i'll do it right now and so i wrote this review like the cheesy bouncers saved my life and told the whole thing but now i've lived so close to cheesies and my friends and I was like telling everyone about the story when it happened.

I couldn't stop saying the cheesy's bouncer saved my life.

And it's become our spot.

We go every time we go out, and Big Will's friends with us.

We follow each other on Instagram.

He always gives me a big hug.

He's in the doorway when I'm walking to and from on Belmont.

He'll be like waving or like, be safe tonight.

I sent in a picture, I think Rob should have it, with Big Will and Rolando.

We're buddies now.

They got us these VI cheese wristbands.

VI cheese.

Oh, fun.

Oh, yeah.

And we get 10% off, and it's like our favorite place.

They're both mean mugging.

That was New Year's Eve.

Oh,

you're happy as fuck.

And they're mean mugging.

They're sweeties.

So this is kind of a meet cute as well.

I was about to say that.

Yeah, it's kind of a double whammy.

Yeah.

Like, tell us about an unlikely friendship that's emerged.

Yeah.

Oh, that's a good prompt.

Rob, write that down, Rob.

Was that a wrap on the L for you?

Are you like, yeah, I'm not doing that?

I still take it, but just not late at night.

I tend to see honestly the craziest people at like 9 30 in the morning if i go into the office after rush hour purple line has a lot going on at those times

oh wow maybe i want to start riding that l

thanks for sharing thank you for that story it's delightful to meet you thank you guys i'm so excited i need to shout out my cousins the lackeys and my friend ian they're my other armchairy people i get to talk to they're the first people i told when i got selected lackeys and ian yeah this is great all right well lovely meeting you.

Thank you guys so much.

Great to meet you.

Bye.

That's your nightmare, that story.

Yeah.

The Chicago L was crazy.

I used to take it to school every morning with something new.

It's a blessing that Detroit doesn't have mass transit.

They have this thing called the People Mover, but no one would ever ride it.

It goes like three blocks.

Oh, there we go.

Bingo.

Is that a bulldog on your sweatshirt?

I wore this just for you, Monica.

I'm probably going to have a heat stroke.

I'm in Arizona and I'm wearing this.

Look at you.

That's a great sweatshirt.

Did you go to UGA?

I didn't.

I went to the University of Tampa first, and my girl Kristen found this for me at a thrift store back in like 2003.

It's a great sweatshirt.

I bet you could make $1,000 right now.

I bet you would pay nearly anything for that sweatshirt.

You can probably name your price right now.

Well, I can send it to you.

No, I refuse to take from that.

That's a cool sweatshirt, though.

I would want it too.

Thanks.

Arizona would have been a top guess for me given the blanket behind you.

It's got very Arizona vibes.

I'm in a very warm Woolfort right now.

Are you from Arizona?

No, I'm actually from Missouri.

Went to Florida and then transferred to U of A.

I'm near Sedona now.

We had one of our favorite trips there.

Okay, so you have a public transit story.

I can't imagine which state it took place in given those options.

Took place in Tucson.

We joke and say it's a sunny place for shady people.

So it took place in 2006.

I was going to the U of A and I just moved to my first first off-campus housing, some student apartments, and they were a ways away.

So I was going to have to commute every day.

I had a car, but I apparently decided to be frugal all of a sudden and I found out how much the parking pass was.

Compared to my old school in Florida, I was just like, this is absurd.

I refused to give that much money.

to park miles away from where my class is going to be anyway.

So I decided I'm going to take the city bus.

I'm not above that.

It'll be very humble experience.

Yeah, Buddhist.

Yeah, it'd be very environmentally friendly.

One less car on the road.

Yep.

So overall, I actually really enjoyed it.

It was really quiet in the mornings and I could study and do things last minute.

With this one very balmy monsoon afternoon, I was taking the bus back from campus and I was like the last stop.

It was like 110 degrees, probably like 115 at the bus stops.

Super humid all of a sudden.

So everything's super hot and sticky.

I often saw interesting characters.

We had lots of regulars on my route.

One of my regular guys, we'll call him Pete.

He hopped on and he's an older guy and he looks like he's not able to let his 80s California boardwalk days go.

He's very sun weathered, really orange brown skin.

Looks like you could drag him down the street.

He'd be totally fine.

He had really long, bleached, yellowy, white, blonde hair and it was balding on top, but long enough he'd pull it in like a messy ponytail in the back.

And he was a cool guy.

Like didn't usually make a scene, but I guess this one afternoon he decided it was a good day to hamper himself.

So I'm sitting in the back so I can pretty much see everything that's going on.

And he sits down towards the front of the bus.

And, you know, there's a big old city bus.

So the windows don't open.

They have the AC unit kind of towards the front in this one, but they don't work.

It's like spitting water and it's just kind of recirculating half-assed cool air.

So he sits down across from the AC unit, starts taking off his socks and shoes.

And I'm like, okay.

You know, it's hot out.

Maybe his shoes are rubbing.

And then I see him.

He reaches into his bag and then he pulls out what looks like a small cheese grater.

He starts sawing away at his heel.

Oh, gosh

every time we would turn a corner you could see the sun rays shining down perfect lines through his wafting cloud yeah the heel particles that are entering the atmosphere dead skin cells everywhere there's a pretty big cloud too

first of all i instantly cover my face i don't want to embarrass the guy like maybe he doesn't have a home or he has a home he can do this maybe this is his time i cover my mouth and i'm taking like the tiniest little sips of air possible So just picture them going in the mouth and nose.

Let me remind you it's like 115 degrees and everyone's sweaty and it's summer.

So everyone's wearing tank tops and shorts.

And all I could think about was just his dead butt skin just sticking to everyone around us.

Yeah.

This is a torture chamber.

Thankfully, no one made a scene, but I'd say we were all wearing a little bit of Pete's petty that day.

I debated hopping off the bus as soon as possible, but it's super hot.

And in my luck, I wouldn't find anyone there.

I'd have to like stand on the road and 120 degrees in pavement calling someone to come pick me up.

It wasn't reasonable.

So I stayed on for the duration.

Did he do both heels or just one was bothering him?

Oh, no, he did both.

He had to get the full spa treatment.

Yeah, he was selling away.

I feel like nowadays people would probably say something.

So I guess I'm grateful that people were very polite.

Trying to think what I would do.

Okay.

Hey, bud, could you cheese grate your feet outside of the bus?

I think maybe I'd have to ask.

If I saw it in the air like that, that would freak me the fuck out.

Yeah, when things get atomized,

people do that shit on airplanes.

That's what's incredible.

I follow an account on Instagram.

I wish I could remember the name of it, but it's like passenger shaming or something like that.

And it's people cutting their fucking toenails on a flight.

That's where I thought it was going.

This is worse.

Yeah, this is much worse than toenails.

We should add that to our thing.

Would you rather eat graded skin?

Grated skin.

Chunk of skin.

Yeah.

I'd rather eat graded i want to get on with a battery powered dremel and just start grinding my toenail i have to grind all the time because it does there's powder everywhere

disgusting

i did end up buying a pass after all

well you get what you pay for well katie thank you i'm sorry you were subjected to that but you have a good coffee you now thanks for sharing that and really great sweatshirt just want to reiterate that

thank you so i did wildland firefighting for like 10 years and i quit to have my babies i'm at home now i have a two and a half year old and a six month old oh my god i haven't slept all week so i'm extra frazzled you guys have really helped me get through some hard moments of running with them in the stroller and the isolation has been hard for me So you guys are awesome.

Oh, thank you.

And can I say happy birthday to my husband?

It's today.

Oh my gosh.

Happy birthday to you.

What's his name?

Phil.

I just booted him out with the kids.

I was like, you have to go now.

Happy birthday.

Get the fuck out of here.

Pretty much.

Happy birthday to him.

And thanks to Christy, my sister-in-law, for hooking me up.

She told me about your podcast.

And then my brother for being my tech support, my brother Bob.

He helped me out today, calmed me down a little bit.

It all worked out.

Yeah.

Thanks for chatting.

Yeah, thanks, Katie.

Great meeting you.

Have a good day.

Yeah, you too.

What a cute sweatshirt.

That's going to haunt you, isn't it?

It's all you're thinking about.

I want it.

I can't have it.

And it's okay.

Life will continue.

You didn't even know about it enough.

Speaking of, you know, the armchairy from last week's episode or a couple weeks ago, also a sweater, a Japanese sweater that I really wanted.

I did get the website.

There's no way I can have it.

Price-wise?

No, you just can't really order it.

You got to be there.

Yeah.

So now this is going to be a very expensive sweatshirt because you're going to have to go to goddamn Tokyo to get this thing.

We've got some Tokyo listeners.

I'm sure that'll go for you.

I don't want to put out any arm cherries, but I can see

here in Japan.

We should ask Eric retroactively.

Do I know someone that's there right now?

Everyone's there.

People are going.

I think the exchange rate is beneficial currently.

Well, I've had some wild public transits.

I had the guy ask if he could smoke, and then he smoked crack.

And then the guy that wanted to fight me when I rode my bike and brought it back and get action packed down there.

All right, love you.

Love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something?

I'm going to do a theme song.

Oh.

Okay, great.

We don't have a

song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.

We're going to ask some random questions.

And with the help of Arm Jerry's, we'll get some suggestions

on the fire rhyme dish.

On the fire rhyme dish, enjoy.

Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry.com slash survey.

The town of Agda in France is famous for sun, sand, sea and sex.

But lately, life on the coast has taken a strange turn.

The town's mayor, a respected pillar of the community, has been arrested for corruption.

His wife claims he's been bewitched.

by a beautiful clairvoyant.

Then there's the mysterious phone calls that local people have been getting.

I am the Archangel Michael.

The whole town has been thrown into chaos.

As the mayor is unable to carry out his duties, I would like to address you all.

Legal proceedings have been initiated.

Join me, Anna Richardson, and journalist Leo Sheikh for The Mystic and the Mayor as we investigate a story of power, corruption, and magic.

Binge all episodes of The Mystic and the Mayor exclusively and ad-free right now on Wondery Plus.

Start your free trial in Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or the Wondery app.