Mom's Car: Joy Bryant

Hello and welcome to Mom's Car.

Today, one of my dearest friends, my television wife, Joy Bryant, joins Aaron and I today.

And I just love this woman so much.

I'm sure you do too.

Please enjoy Joy Bryant.

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Joy, Aaron, and I got matching tattoos yesterday.

No way, I love that.

On my neck.

Oh,

what does it say?

La Costa Nostra?

Okay, that's the one I wanted to get to.

But J2C,

January 2nd, Capricorn, July 2nd, Cancer.

Impossible.

We figured this out one way of the year.

Yeah, in junior high.

We figured out that we're the rarest of the rare.

J2C.

Oh, my God.

Okay, first of all, I love matching friend tattoos.

I have one with two of my other friends and it's Soul Rebel.

Soul Rebel.

And there's three of you with it.

Yes.

And it's all stick and poke.

I just got to say, though, a three-way matching tattoos, higher stakes, because the odds of a fallout with three

higher than two.

Friend fallout?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, no, we're never going to be.

It's not going to happen.

Not going to happen.

The only thing is that everyone's tattoo is totally different because one friend gave me a tattoo and then he gave.

Oh, there's a dude's in the mix.

Oh, yeah.

We're all best friends.

So it's like the three of us.

Two gals and a guy yeah no one wanted me to give them a tattoo because my vision's a little bit off

hold on hold on i thought you meant he gave you the design but you're saying he physically tattooed you yeah so woman man we're all besties yeah and we decided that we're gonna do soul rebel steve gave me and jade the tattoos and then jade gave steve the tattoos but no one wanted me to give anyone anything because they're like bitch you can't even see we don't trust that but mind you that was his first stick and poke and it's all janky It doesn't even look like it says soul.

Rebels say it says soul.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, that works too, right?

I like it.

Yeah.

He was like stabbing my arm and shit.

Watch the GD.

God damn.

I mean,

yeah.

God damn.

I said, God damn.

I'd say, God damn.

That's actually a memorial for a friend of me and Dave's, Glenn Doherty.

He was one of the people who died in Benghazi.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

We met him through the whole serve snowboard world and everything.

He's an ex-Navy SEAL and we're looking for some action.

Yeah, he was just a really amazing, special person.

Yeah, I felt like maybe when you were staying at our house for the evacuations, we maybe talked about him.

Because you have a friend who in that world.

In that world, Navy SEAL, and was offered to go to Benghazi for a lot of money.

They paid well for that.

I'm not saying your friend, but the one that was offered to my friend.

Yeah.

I kind of dug this because I myself can't walk into a lot of stuff, but he just said to me yeah i was really tempted but i just thought you end up doing on these missions that can't be about money you really got to think it's about country or you're not going to do the thing that needs doing and i was like wow that's some cool integrity because i'd probably likely more do anything for money

on the floor

I am not walking by a penny on the street.

Yeah, but Aaron and I would drink a bottle of ketchup at the restaurant for five dollars or something you guys have actually done that aaron hit some real lows what when he was an addict wait when did he get drunk when you were in what

when he was an addict i saw oh some real lows like well like what i did for money yeah what about

um this is an incredible story because of the full circle nature okay okay so hit her with at dean's house oh

believe me

so you know joy that game how much would it take?

Okay, to do such and such.

People would be like, I wouldn't do that for a million dollars.

I'd be like, 60 bucks?

Like, that kind of thing, you know?

I was like, that's not

immediate needs right there.

Yeah, so I found myself at a party at my friend's house.

Were you there?

I was not.

I had retired at this point.

My girlfriend's there, all my friends, all these fucking assholes that I don't know.

I find myself wearing my girlfriend's thong and it's a foot of snow outside and it's like zero.

Wait, what kind of thong?

G-string?

They were thongs or were they G-strings?

Was it one strip up your ass?

Or was it sort of like fabric up your butt?

It was something up my butt.

Huge butt sheets.

Anything, everything is up G-strings.

Oh, you got a fat ass.

He's got a gorgeous.

Sadly enough, there was no pictures of this because it was in the 90s.

Before pictures.

So i'm standing outside bent over on the porch with my ass yes making a laptop

and a dude just fucking starts peeing on my butt

that's what

was on the table that was on the yeah and i agreed to this for 40 bucks with

which was like four people chipped in 10 bucks like it took a minute to even get to 40 they couldn't get it up and then i was like sold enough

at the time a teener of Coke was 40 bucks.

Jokes on all of them.

Yeah, jokes.

And I said that too.

I thought it.

I thought my girlfriend was so fucking embarrassed.

She was like, I don't even have words.

And I go, yeah, but who's fucking laughing?

Who's really laughing now?

Who got them dunks?

I got them bums, all right?

I got that yet?

Now, here's the most incredible part of the story, I think.

This gentleman who did peoning.

I'm more suspicious of that guy than I am Aaron in this scenario.

He who was peed on.

Yes, right.

Yes, pee who pees.

He who chose and volunteered to pee on a man's ass.

Another man's ass cheeks and a thong.

I find more disturbing.

There's nothing in it for him other than, I guess, the pleasure of peeing on another man's ass.

Peeing on another person on the other side.

I don't want to pee.

And he lost $40, right?

10 of it was his, I'm sure.

Oh, oh, oh, okay.

So, as you know, Aaron's been driving Uber.

He answers a call.

He pulls up to this nice house, and the man who peed on him.

No, the man who peed on you

picked up an Uber 20 years later?

Four weeks ago.

Fuck out of here.

No.

I was like, no.

You've got to be fucked up.

Wait, the person from Detroit?

Yeah, so I pull up to this nice house on a lake and I'm waiting in the driveway and out comes this person.

Pee-pee-man.

You remembered him.

We know him well.

He's a friend.

But since sobriety, not a lot of interaction.

Right.

Okay.

No need for it.

All wrapped up.

Okay, I'm so fascinated.

Okay, so he gets in the car.

He's already hammered.

The guy is already hammered.

Oh, he's shit.

Oh, so he's got a break.

And he's been drinking all day.

Okay.

And now him and his wife are going to a fucking party.

Did he recognize?

Do they know you?

Oh, we know him immediately.

I know immediately.

They thought my car was like this car with all cameras on it.

They thought like this was a big joke.

In a million years,

I wouldn't have picked that I would be getting them for a ride.

Wait, so did you guys ever talk about that night?

Yeah, it came up a few times over there.

Not in the car that night.

No, not in the car that night.

Okay.

He loves it, of course.

The guy who did the PI loves it.

I wonder what else he loves.

I'm not embarrassed, obviously.

I'm telling you right now.

Plenty of people to hear.

I wish I was high right now.

But yeah, no, he was proud to always tell that story at a party.

Oh, he was proud to tell that story.

Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure.

Interesting.

Makes me think you saw the Chappelle.

We watched it together, right?

The Chappelle monologue on Sarant Live?

Yes.

So it was like a 20 out of 10.

Oh, got one.

It's up.

All right.

Now Aaron's on it.

He'll instruct me what to do.

Okay.

House of Pies.

Ooh, this is exciting.

Wait a minute.

Are you sales?

Oh, shit.

Come on.

What happened?

We're getting an ad of delivery.

Oh, my God.

This is a multi-step.

Yeah, yeah.

So, oh, wow.

House of Pies, we go.

Okay, great.

And I think there's probably two orders sitting there for us.

Oh, wow.

Megabucks.

People are religious about how surprised.

It's very charming because look how it does feel like you're time traveling to

the 70s or something.

I mean, I'll sum up that whole story.

It's just the dude's blasted.

Aaron's got a wade through.

Why are you driving Uber?

Also, we need you to drive us home.

Are you okay?

You're driving Uber.

Things that I really went south with.

Cancer.

Oh, my God.

And so, you know, the system, Aaron gets it, and I deliver it.

Got it.

Oh, my God.

Look how many pies he's got.

Wow.

Yeah, let him throw that shit in the back.

All right.

Yeah.

Pie time.

Big money.

Big money.

Big money.

Beautiful.

It's also like, are you going to feed me later?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'll do whatever you want.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll feed you.

Joy.

Where you're going.

Joy has really.

How would I describe your culinary pursuits?

You get into things.

Is it safe to say you get like...

Yes.

So Joy for two months will just be like, do you want to go get some duck?

And she'll eat duck.

Oh, my God.

I had duck the other night.

Yo, I fucking love ducks.

I fucking love duck.

She's a duck machine.

Oh, my God.

I had duck the other night.

Oh, and I'm about to have it later on for like leftovers.

Is it a microwave well?

No, no, no.

I'm going to pants you when I like heat in the pan.

Okay, I can figure this out, right?

What do we get?

Which one?

This one right here.

Okay, great.

All right.

Before I find a map.

Was that the one?

That was it.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

The next one's eight miles away.

That's why we were getting the big bucks.

This one?

Yeah.

Okay, we were a half hour.

Which is so funny because eight miles is not really that far, but in LA, eight miles is really far away.

Yeah, in this case, 31 minutes.

Okay, Joy, have you ever heard of moral dumbfounding questions?

No, but I'm sure I've heard moral dumbfounding questions.

I'm aware of it because Jonathan Haik, he asked these moral dumbfounding questions to his students at the beginning of class.

And what moral dumbfounding is, is you really can't mount an intellectual argument for why it's immoral, but your gut tells you it's wrong.

And his work was proving that people more often than not listen to their gut, whether they can actually make a logical argument for why it's not moral.

I think we start with the brother-sister one.

I think this is most famous.

And then he has his class fight about this.

And of course, no one's ever happy.

Okay, this is the incest scenario.

Oh, God.

Oh,

a brother and sister, both consenting adults, decide to have sex while on vacation.

All right.

Did you say while on vacation?

Yeah.

First of all, or do you wear they're on a vacation together?

They might have more of a moral dilemma with going on just a vacation with your sibling than even having sex with them once you get on vacation.

It gets better.

They use protection and never do it again.

They both feel like it made them.

They're going to be closer, but tell no one.

Is this morally wrong?

If so, why?

Is what wrong?

Is it morally wrong?

Is it no, it's just the whole endeavor morally wrong.

Now, there's clever things in there that I'm sure you already detected, which is they use protection.

Because a lot of people's argument would be like, no, it's wrong because you'll have a defective child.

So they've cleared that up.

So there's no baby coming out of of this.

Consenting's really relevant.

Both feel it made them closer.

That's

awkward.

It's incredibly intimate.

Okay.

I don't want to feel closer to a sibling.

I mean, post-coitus.

I mean, is it wrong?

I don't know.

Is it immoral?

I don't think it's immoral necessarily.

It's not something that I would ever want to do.

The notion to me is absolutely repulsive.

I have a sister.

I've gone to great lengths to have no idea if she has booze.

Oh, wait a minute.

Are these like kids?

This is brother in sister.

Oh, it's not like stepsister.

No, not like the blood.

I don't think steph would even make it to a question.

I don't know.

I'm just, you know.

Yeah, we're all.

That wasn't classified.

In that sense, no, it's fine.

I had this scenario in my real life.

I think I've told you about it, which is my mom's third husband came with a daughter who was two grades above me, who I had known.

I had been in love with.

I was like, I'm going to live in the same house as this girl that I've liked.

Oh, God.

And she's two grades older.

I was so excited.

She ignored me for however long they were married, two years or something, or a year and a half.

But she, my brother, was then two grades above her or three.

So she had a crush on my brother for sure.

And he ignored her, like he just blocked her out.

So there was a very weird step sibling love triangle that never went anywhere.

Probably for the best.

I think also the fact that they use protection, this is like best between them.

We're going to pretend like this never happened.

We're not going to tell anybody.

It's over.

It's done.

I don't feel like I have a right to judge that.

I think it's weird, but I'm making my choices based on who's the victim in this scenario.

There is no victim.

Right, because they don't tell anyone because I would say like the parents would be victims.

How would the parents be victims?

If they found out their children made love on a vacation, I think they would be really troubled by that.

And thus they would be the victims.

And they would be going, oh my god, what did we do wrong that Brenda and John took a trip to Amsterdam?

I'd like to note that Brenda and John are definitely doing this again.

It depends on how good it is.

Well, it sounds like, yeah, Aaron has an issue with the premise, which is like, what do you mean they never did it again?

They did it, they liked it and feel closer, and now they decided one and done.

But I guess for the sake of this moral dumbfounding, you have to

be done.

It's just a scenario.

It's only one.

It's one time.

yeah so in this instance i am a libertine okay yeah i am too it's disgusting i don't know that i could do it even to save all of mankind aaron has sisters as well i'm the only child so there's that perspective oh girl stop texting when you're driving yeah oh you should ride a motorcycle between traffic what you see is that 40 of people are actively texting or watching a video no and then 40% are actively smoking weed.

No.

Yeah, what you realize quickly as you're lane splitting on a motorcycle is that almost nobody in la in traffic is actually driving their subconscious just getting them to wherever they got to go okay aaron so do you have a verdict mine was it's not immoral it's just disgusting that makes three of us i should have got a prude in the car yeah

i need someone but you can have three dirt bags

all good what happens you kill the dude and get 20 bucks off of him all good whatever

somebody peed on you

whatever so

take the money and run yeah plus you know what Actually, it's good that it happened in the 90s before like smartphones existed.

Exactly.

Oh, there would definitely be a video of it.

Look at all the shit that happened.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Four kids today.

That's a great silver lining that you're right about.

Four kids.

Because a thousand percent everyone would have videoed it.

Yeah.

Except for your girl.

You'd be a viral hit.

Now we're going to discuss a problem from the listener.

This is from Rachel in Santa Barbara.

Oh, great.

My new man can't keep it up and it's ruining my.

Oh.

I, a woman of 30 years old, recently started dating someone new, a man, 29 years old.

Together in Sirius for about four months and things are honestly amazing.

He's a vulneraboy just like you guys and makes me feel very safe and loved.

A what boy?

A vulnerable.

We're vulnerable boys.

Vulner boys?

Yeah, we have a vulnerable.

Yeah, we're vulnerable boys.

Yeah.

We're the vulneraboo.

We have a band.

We've yet to record any of of our songs.

We don't think anyone can handle it yet.

But we write songs about being scared and overreacting.

So it's beyond emo.

Yeah, yeah.

Middle-aged emo.

Mid-century emo.

Right, mid-century emo.

Yes, definitely.

I love it.

However, when we have sex, his penis won't stay inside me when I start having an orgasm.

He says that contractions are pushing him out, which sounds made up because it has never happened before.

First of all, very jealous of her Kigo muscles.

She can fucking eject.

Eject as I already.

That's some big fucking O-in happening.

Yeah.

I've never.

Lemmy snatched.

Literally.

She snatched.

And I have not given a no of that quality, apparently.

Shoot me out.

Nor have I.

I hate to admit.

So she thinks it sounds made up and she's assuming he can't stay hard.

Her assumption is that he is getting soft.

And then saying that is because of her

erratic contraction.

To be fair, I usually get it one way or the other.

But when he's softening up and sliding out right when I'm about to O,

it ruins the momentum and the mood.

How do I talk about it with him without potentially embarrassing him or making him feel bad?

Please help me, Vulner Boys.

Vulner boys to the rescue.

I want to hear a woman's perspective.

What, from her point of view, makes sense to you?

What are you going to do?

I mean, I would imagine that contractions and kegels are very stimulating to a penis when it's inside of you.

And there's lots of benefits for that.

And that could be over-stimulating to her partner, right?

Because sometimes being overly stimulated will cause the penis to go in the opposite direction, to go quiet.

So, girl, after your pain, child.

After your pain, sis.

I guess that's a good question.

Has this ever happened to you?

Because I call bullshit on a lot of this already.

I think he's coming.

She's about to orgasm.

And it's so exciting when you're a dude and the girl's about to come.

Well, for me, at least, that's when it's very hardest not to spray is when she's about to come.

So my hunch is she's about to spray and he does and then it goes soft.

Or he's about to, so he pulls out so he doesn't spray.

I have some follow-up questions for her.

Yeah.

But I don't think he's hard and then right when it gets super exciting, he's flaccid.

That I can't relate to personally I mean look you never want to emasculate or make anyone feel bad I feel bad for y'all how do you bring anything up you just have to you never talk about it in bed okay great okay good you don't talk about sex and what's working what's not working in bed unless you're like actually fucking and you're like okay do this do it like you know right but like after the fact you don't talk about any issues or whatever in bed take it out of the bedroom and always come from a place of calm love right

it is sensitive but i think it's more so that because we're so reluctant to talk about it more so that when you start talking about it, it's actually not that bad sometimes.

So I think that it's just like, you know, hey, I just noticed that when we're having sex and I'm about to come, like, I just like to talk about what that feels like for you

because what I would like is XYZ.

What can we do differently so that you might be able to,

so that I can be able to.

Yep.

Okay, so there's a lot going.

I think it's going to be tricky because he's made a claim that I feel like she might have to refute, which is it's ejecting your penis.

So I don't know how we tackle that quite yet but i think maybe i would go in steps for her which is okay let's assume he's telling the truth and it's getting rejected that can't happen if she's riding him if she's on top yeah and she's sitting on it it can't get ejected would we agree with the physics of that yeah and you know what now that i'm thinking about it yeah think more about it i mean think about it there is the whole thing of like deliberately squeezing your kegels while the penis is inside of you not involuntary i don't know that like, oh, you're coming, and now you're contracting.

And so I don't buy what he's saying.

I think it's possible, but I think it's highly improbable.

Yeah.

So first order of business would be like, hey, I know you're saying it's popping out.

I would love for it to be in there when I hit my peak.

Can I try riding you to see if it won't pop out?

Right.

Okay, great.

What's he going to say?

No, you can't ride me.

He's going to say, yes, you can ride me.

That's my assumption.

Now, if he still pops out in that scenario, I think he's limp.

And now we can address in the debrief after that sex, we could maybe say, like, well, wow, it still popped out.

Do you think you're losing your erection?

To me, the options on the table are like, well, if you're losing your erection, just use Viagra.

If it's really a loss of erection, there's medicine.

Just fucking take Viagra.

Yeah.

But again, my hunch is he's probably coming early.

I can relate to this when I was younger.

Oh, what a stressful thing.

Someone's got to teach you to handle your business before you do your business.

Everything will be golden.

And also there's performance anxiety and those kinds of things.

But I think, why is it getting soft?

Is it getting soft?

Because you're orgasming and going, that's so flattering, like putting a real positive spin on it.

And then you got to talk about, okay, what if I blow you a half hour before we have sex and then give it a go and see if you can hang in the saddle?

Joey, what you said about the talk and not in bed until Ruthie, who I'm married to now, I never, or at least maybe I didn't hear them, never had a talk about anything open with the sex, it just happened.

I feel like a lot of people don't, but it's very healthy, yeah, yeah, it's hard.

I'm gonna acknowledge it's so hard because I think it's the easiest way to like destroy someone's self-esteem.

I think we all enter sex going, like, I hope I'm enough.

If you're a dude, it's about how big's your dick, which she doesn't even care about, but as a dude, you think so.

It's like, am I big enough?

Then, do I last long enough?

Am I hitting all this accoutrement you have correctly?

Right,

am I hitting it low?

Am I bottoming out?

Am I hitting a low?

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

Why not?

Meet Edor.

I get to meet this person.

Yes.

Okay, wonderful.

Now I want to get back closer to our house.

Yeah, as we were saying, I'm not mad at the little subdivisions.

I find a lot of times you can't get all of those buildings.

Yeah, very Melrose placey.

What were your shows, Joy, when you were in high school?

Were you sucked into any of these white dramas like I was?

White drama.

Like Beverly Hills, 902.0.

White drama.

Hashtag white drama.

We got drama too.

Yo.

Y'all definitely got fucking drama.

That is the great, that's like a great name for a show.

Yo, white drama.

What it's about.

It's all in the title.

White drama.

I wonder if you could just declare a show these days.

Like, this show's going to be 100% white.

This is about white people.

This is a white drama.

This is a white show.

This is a white.

White show.

This is free to watch it, but it is for white people already.

This is about some white bullshit.

White drama.

It'll say that up in the corner before it starts.

This is full of white bullshit.

This is full of white bullshit.

Just let you know.

It's going to be good.

I'm just white bullshit.

It'll be exactly what you expect.

It'll be exactly what.

You're not going to relate to it.

Right.

It will entertain you.

Right.

It's going to be underseasoned,

but it's going to be good.

Underseasoned.

It's going to be raisins and potato salad, but it's going to, yeah, it's going to, whatever you pick it out.

Did you like any of those shows, though?

Yes, I loved 90210, Melrose Plays.

Well, also, you were in that boarding school that was a bunch of honkies, right?

They were probably all watching Melrose and talking about it.

Weird thing is, I remember watching a lot of TV in high school because I think we had TV in maybe some of the common rooms or something like that, but I didn't really watch a lot.

So which one did you watch?

Party of Five?

I wasn't really into Party of Five.

That was actually.

Throw some names out.

But you did.

Well, Beverly was 90210.

She said, Yeah, and Melrose.

And did you have a favorite character on 90210?

Dylan.

Dylan, yeah.

Not Brandon.

We love Brandon.

He's a big guy.

He's nice.

He's all not Dylan.

But it's all about

the bad boy.

With the raspy boy.

And a Porsche, convertible Porsche in high school.

Wait, he had a convertible Porsche Porsche.

He sure did.

Yes, yes.

What a badass.

Yeah, he rolled around a little Porsche spider.

Fucking hey.

Yeah.

Hard to beat.

But then Brandon got a 65 Mustang.

Sure did.

Yeah, at one point.

I love that the premise of that show is that they were poor in Beverly Hills and Minnesota.

And they kept showing their house like a 4,000 square foot house in Beverly Hill.

They're poor.

And you're like, God, I don't know how they're embarrassed around their friends.

Don't want to get picked up in front of their house.

Who would be your top three list of people you would want to smoke a joint with?

You bring your own, I guess, in this scenario.

Seth Rogan's number one.

Yes.

He's looking number one, two, three.

I might be able to broker that.

No way.

I would smoke more than one hit with Seth Rogan.

Okay.

Although I kind of feel like his weed is very strong too, but I would just bring my own as well.

This is one of Joy's hot takes that I love when we were doing parenthood.

She was like, okay, Seth Rogen and James Franco, they're in all these movies together.

And all the girls are wild for Franco.

And he's objectively cute.

I get it.

She goes, but for my money, give me a night with Seth Rogan.

And I was like, girl, look.

He's funny.

And he likes to eat and he smokes weed.

Yeah.

This is the dream hang.

The snacks would be crazy.

And the snacks would be crazy.

Love it.

Okay, so Seth Rogan, number one.

Woody Harrelson.

Any intros?

You know, I never thought of my top dream stoner.

Yeah, I would love a

hang with Woody Harrelson.

But when you threw out Willie Nelson and then Snoop, that's tough because these are like the

gods.

Well, this is how I bound down.

This is how I break it down.

It's like there's platinum status, gold, silver, bronze, and pewter.

Now, I have friends who are like platinum-level stoners, like homies.

And I know I can't smoke with them, them, but I know that if they were to get with like Snoop, Willie, or whoever, they would go toe-to-toe.

One of my homegirls in New York, this bitch,

one time we did edibles and they were five milligram each.

And of course I did one.

She did five, which means she had 60 milligrams to my five.

And I was high and she looked high, but she was totally functioning and kind of doing her shit.

And I was like, oh yeah, girl.

Well, that is the weird question I kind of sometimes ask myself is if you wake and bake

and you maintain and you're, yeah, you're not altered, it's just curious.

I'm not even sure that you know

when you're stoned.

You know what I'm saying?

Well, back in the day, I was someone who smoked all day and I could function and do anything and everything.

Yeah.

But now I don't have that level of tolerance.

So I can't just be smoking all day and handle the things that I need to handle.

So weirdly, okay, and your tolerance went down.

Yeah.

I just interviewed Seth.

He said he smoked with Snoop and he just got blown away.

And I was like, oh, it's interesting.

There are rungs.

So for me, on that scale, I'm like bronze to pewter because I do smoke probably more than the average person.

There's different modalities that I tap into with weed.

Okay.

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Yes.

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Remember that time I told you I walked from the Hollywood Bowl past your house?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You were chocolate at all.

I mean, yeah, like that was not a great idea, but I did that.

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What's great about this mushroom thing is you never knew when you were taking shrooms.

I've eaten a pound of shrooms in my life.

Aaron and I famously bought a half pound in Santa Cruz, which was two gallon-sized Ziploc bags.

And we got one gallon for our consumption.

And then Aaron sold the other gallon in Detroit and we made, for us, a fucking fortune.

I think we made like $1,200 or something and got a free quarter pound.

Anyways, you didn't know what you were taking.

You're like, I guess I'm doing four stems and six calves.

What does that mean?

And even if people had scales, like, well, weigh at three points, well, how much of it is psilocybin inside of all these stems and shit?

The notion that you can take that chocolate and you know exactly what it is is pretty radical.

Yeah.

Did I tell you this was actually your chips premiere?

I'm sure I never had mentioned.

I was so embarrassed about it.

So Scotty and I were staying in a hotel together.

We were going to go to your house because your family was there.

Mom and Dave Barton and everybody.

And I hadn't seen anybody in a long time, but I was also really peaking in my fucking addiction and everything else at the time.

In my mind, this was a good idea because I thought it would keep me chill.

Scotty went and got a candy bar, and each little piece was five milligrams.

Yeah, weed chocolate.

Yeah, yeah.

So he fucking chomps like 10 of them down.

Oh, wow.

Like a crazy amount.

And I know myself, I can fucking do an ounce of Coke and drink a crazy amount, but I can't smoke weed.

We've never been strong in that category, Aaron and I.

I think it was March Madness at the time setting this up.

So we're going to go to a bar, watch some basketball, have a couple beers, keep it chill so we can go have dinner with you and the family.

And then your premiere wasn't until the following day, I think.

I had one, a five-milligram piece.

We go to the bar.

I lost my sight.

I started when I realized my paranoia set in.

The bar was busy.

All of a sudden, I decided that the bartender didn't want me there.

Or no, just the waitress.

We're sitting at a table.

Although we're drinking and eating, we're doing everything a waitress might want you to do.

I was like, it was so strong.

I can't be here anymore.

Scotty is like, whoa.

What the fuck?

So, no, we'll stay.

30 minutes later, I just go blind.

I'm watching, I'm like looking outside, and it just is gone.

I can barely see

Scotty's orbit right next to me.

And I'm like, oh, no, no, no.

Yeah, so fast forward to Scotty holding my hand and walking me

back to the hotel.

You had to tell him at some point, I can't see.

Yes, I told him it was completely blind.

Oh, my God.

What do you do with that animal?

Because you're like, well, you're not.

There's no way your eyes got damaged while we were watching this basketball game.

Oh my God.

Yeah, so he held my hand and walked me back and I was like just barely seeing shapes.

I'm like, I'm going to get hit by a car for sure.

Oh my God.

My car, you weren't alone.

So we get back.

The pool was not even open.

It's outside.

I jump in it.

At my house.

No, no, no.

At the hotel.

You know, I'm like, I need some cold water.

Anyway, so I can see.

Yeah, so I do that, nothing.

I go into the shower.

Now it's almost time to leave for dinner.

I'm like, I can't see.

And I was like, I can't.

Still couldn't see.

Yeah, so I remember Scotty called you or texted me and said,

yeah, weekly, you know, it's not having a, or whatever.

I don't know how we report it.

Yeah, I don't remember that.

Okay, yeah.

Well, you had a lot going on.

There was a lot going on.

And I remember you were not, you weren't happy.

You were disappointed, which was the worst part, of course, for me.

I'm like, I wish he would just be mad at me.

But no, he's disappointed and still loves me.

And I'm like,

so I called it a wrap and like slept for 13 hours.

Yeah, yeah.

Because you're not, you gotta just go to sleep.

I do wonder, though, if it was in your head how it was disappointing.

Possibly.

Yeah.

Because I have no memory of it.

And just also, I can't imagine ever

if someone's fucked up and they pull something like being judgmental, I just did it so much.

I missed birthday parties, I was late for Christmas.

Yeah, I would have just been like, oh, yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, probably better he didn't roll up, annihilate.

I'm maybe even grateful.

I feel like what I would have felt like.

I come with a cane and I dropped sunglasses.

Like, what the fuck?

He got hot acid in his eyes.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, you're surely right.

I probably made that part up.

He disappointed it in my eye because I was disappointed with myself.

I was just going to drink some beer.

Was your vision restored?

100%.

Yeah.

2020.

Yeah.

Went to the premiere that day.

Saw you.

Saw everyone.

Oh, fucking hammered.

Oh, my God.

I'm better off just getting hammered.

I'm like, let me go back to my old self.

Oh, what is this?

Except.

Oh, look at this.

I'm turning right.

No, roast duck by stopping.

Hey, Joy.

Stop it.

Oh, my God.

This feels like a blessing.

Because did you order?

She ordered some ducks.

Oh, I see roasted ducks.

Get the fuck out of here.

Look at this.

Oh, this is going to be hard for Joy to not get nibbling on this duck.

I want to fucking puke when this duck gets in the car.

They're not getting his order.

Bam.

Can you bring a menu out?

Holy shit.

I can't believe you desire duck that much.

It's like a kink for you.

It's like a kink.

It's a kink.

I think he said, be real careful.

Extra careful.

It's extra greasy.

It's in it like a baby.

Do you want me to put it back here?

No, he said, keep it upright.

No, I'll hold it.

Okay.

Auto ass is my.

You don't trust me?

Make it.

I know.

Okay, moral dumbfounding.

All right, Joy, you're going to like this.

Corpse desecration.

Great.

Okay.

A medical student alone in a lab finds an unclaimed cadaver.

They decide to have sex with it, knowing that no one will ever find out and the person is already dead.

Is this morally wrong?

Yeah, this one's really hard to not say.

It's absolutely wrong.

I think it's absolutely wrong because it's still a violation.

You were not given consent.

And then at that point, does the body belong to the family?

That's why I think he was clever in saying unclaimed.

Unclaimed.

Well, you notice these clever things that he puts in there to prevent you from making that

like, oh, the family would be upset.

I still think that it's a no-go.

Isn't it only a misdemeanor legally?

I got to imagine it's a felony to have a bad person.

I don't think so.

Based on

unclaimed.

How about this?

When I'm dead, I don't care what anyone does with my body.

I'm dead.

You don't care if someone fucks you

in the body.

I want someone to fuck me.

I hope this all came

out and get some

enjoyment out of my head.

Fuck that.

I care if some dude fucks me when I'm dead.

I care about that.

I don't want some random dude just fucking like busting off and I'm dead.

I bet we can make this harder really easily.

And you say the cadaver's a man and a rigamortis caused his penis to stay erect and it's a woman who does it.

You gotta admit it's different than a dude staying in a female corpse, right?

Because that male is penetrating versus

no, I just think it's the moral dumbfoundedness, right?

Like I just know guys are worse.

They're doing all the raping.

And so

if a gal gets off on a dead guy, and then you also, you got to assume a dead guy would definitely love for his dead body to be had sex with by a woman.

Admittedly, I'm more open to a woman doing it to me than a man doing it to my corpse.

It's almost like you're donating your body to science in a way, yes.

I'm donating it to someone who presumably can't otherwise have sex if they're having sex with a corpse.

Okay, we'll put a pin in this, I'll be right back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's pull up that menu.

What if you just wanted to meet them?

Cause you're like, hey, I like duck of tongue, too.

Hey, do you have any extra?

Can I come hang out with you guys?

I'm like obsessed with this fucking duck place.

place.

I can't think of anything else, but the fucking duck.

God damn it.

They own a cyber truck.

What do you think?

Love duck plus cyber truck just puts you right back at zero?

Um

it's a push.

Yeah, it's a push.

Okay, so we were at the what if it's a guy cadaver.

Yeah, I guess I'm asking, are you more comfortable with a woman having sex with a male cadaver than a man having sex with a female cadaver?

That does kind of feel different.

Logically, I go, it's the same, but

at the same time, it's...

This is similar to, we've debated at length whether it's okay to have sex with a dolphin, a human, because dolphins are so horny.

Dolphins are very horny.

They're the horniest.

And what we have decided we feel comfortable with is a woman being in love with a male dolphin, but not a man being in love with a female dolphin.

Because the male dolphin has to do the penetrating.

We know it's consensual because he's initiating and doing it.

And for some reason, that just feels a lot better to me than a dude deciding the dolphin loved him back and wanted it.

I don't trust the guy to make that.

Which is always the case.

Yes.

We don't have a great track record.

So

how do you feel about a woman and a male dolphin as lovers?

I love it.

I do too.

I'm happy for both.

I'm certainly stoked for the dolphins.

Me too.

Like, what a pimp.

He's got intra-species appeal.

Right.

Yeah.

Did you just come up with a new morally dumbfounding question there?

I think so.

Yeah, yeah.

I think I should pitch this.

I'm going to email this to Jonathan.

I'm going to pitch that.

Great news.

I have a new one.

Bestiality.

Is it okay?

With only a dolphin.

Super intelligent.

With dolphin dick and a consented.

Because we see them trying all the time.

There's untold videos of these.

I was like obsessed with naughty dolphins.

Yeah, naughty dolphins.

Dirty dolphins.

Naughty dolphins.

That's a great show I would watch.

Yeah.

Dirty dolphins.

White drama and naughty dolphins.

That's a block.

That's a solid couple hours of television.

Oh my god, dirty dolphins.

Back to the cadaver, Aaron.

What do you think?

Some people may not like this, but uh.

I don't think it's morally wrong.

Wait, did you say you don't think it's morally wrong?

I did.

I did.

A lot of mercy.

I think that person is a perf.

He's just having sex with a steak at that point.

Yes.

The question is, is this dude nasty as hell?

The nastiest.

The nastiest.

The nastiest.

Yeah.

But again, I'm having a hard time finding the victim.

I still think the victim is the body because it still lacks consent and you are taking advantage of a body even though the body is no longer alive.

It's still a body.

And so for those reasons i would have the same issue if it was a woman with a dead heart dude same

well i think this question also would be harder if you believed in an afterlife yeah i think that's in the mix i think that's right i think that's probably one of my main reasons i think that person doesn't exist anymore so i don't think there's actually a person to consider i don't necessarily think that person exists anymore either i still feel that it's still a body it's still a human being even though that human being is you don't have rights to just any body You find yourself.

You don't.

That's fair.

But I do think if you're deeply Christian and you believe you'll be in heaven watching this person violate your corpse, it's easy to find a way to victimhood in that.

If you believe you'll be in heaven and could somehow observe this.

Yeah.

See, I don't believe in that.

I'm not religious at all necessarily, but I just believe in...

You're crossing a line, man.

Yeah.

That's what I will say.

You're crossing a line.

Of all these.

Take your dick somewhere else, dude.

That's like, wouldn't you want to go to a fucking grave and like dig up some shit?

And like, same thing.

Let's paint the most generous defense of the person possible for one second, which is, I didn't pick what I'm into.

Luckily, I happen to be into women who are my age and have been my whole life.

I'm not a good person because I picked peers my age who I want to consent.

That's just how I am.

I don't think anyone picks being a pedophile.

No one's trying to be a pedophile.

i think that's a terrible way to go through life on planet earth i mean what would you do so i don't think anyone picks that so let's just assume for a second there is someone guy or a girl who they were born the only thing they ever are going to want to have sex with is a corpse they didn't decide that that's just how it is they're never going to have sex with an alive person if they're ever going to be sexual in their whole life it's going to be with a corpse and now they're in this situation where it's like oh here's this corpse they're dead it's not like they're going to be upset or in any discomfort now's my chance.

I'm mildly sympathetic if there's someone that was born that way and that's just how they are.

And I just got lucky and it's easy to be like me.

That's as good of an argument as I could maybe make.

You're still out.

But if it's a normal person like you, like,

I'm either going to jerk off.

Sure.

Yeah, I'm a piece of shit.

Yeah.

I'm a lazy piece.

I was like, fuck, I was going to jerk off, but this seems a little bit easier.

It seems like 5% easier.

Can you imagine that seems easier

than Jack and well that's where you get into the weirder conversation is like what dudes do in prison.

That one's really interesting.

Is that one of the questions too?

No, but I'm just now thinking about the notion that there are dudes who will fuck other guys while they're in prison and get oral from them and then get out and never do that again.

That's not their preference, but in a pinch, they'll do it.

And then I used to watch that show, Hookers on the point hbo

love that show it's the best show ever right remember and the the narrator yeah i gotta call you back girl i'm sucking to it right now

verbatim i love the narrator the narrator this is how he talks

he go

the ladies on the point

working hard tonight

Sucking and fucking like and then that's so good.

Do you think we can find that on Max?

I don't know that it's on there, unfortunately, but that was Nate and I's show.

We loved watching Hookers on the Point together.

And our favorite episode, which was so confusing, was this guy had picked up one of our heroes from the show, the white chick with no teeth.

She's like, How are you tonight, baby?

He's like, Good.

I just got out of prison today.

And she's like, Oh, welcome home, baby.

She starts blowing them in the middle of it.

Now he's getting really into it.

And he's like, Oh,

fuck.

I want some balls in my mouth.

And I were like,

what's happening in this man's mind?

He got a female hooker, but now he's like, I want some balls in my mouth.

And he said it a few times.

And she goes, oh, you kinky.

And I was like, that's more of the service that a sex worker might provide than people might think, right?

Which is you might think they're just there to have an orgasm.

But the acceptance that those gales have of whatever anyone's thing is

is nice, right?

like maybe you are in quotes you're straight or who cares you want a woman to blow you but you want to talk about sucking balls the whole time yeah that's okay that's okay yeah and i don't think that makes you whatever you know we don't have a category we don't need a category for this

isn't that about the sort of fluidity of sexuality and things like that right and i think that also plays into how men could potentially have sex with each other in prison but get out and they're like okay, well, that was them.

So, yeah, when Aid and I lived together, we were in our different bedrooms every morning.

We'd be doing our computer work, and every now and I'd just hear from down the hallway,

the ladies are working hard tonight on the porch.

Yeah.

So, I was vegetarian from 94 until 2018.

And during that time, I was like a pescalactitarian.

I would have to.

We take those years again.

I want to do the fast math.

What is it, 90?

94 to 2018.

So 24 years.

And when I met you, I was vegetarian.

You were vegetarian.

You were starting to fuck with fish sticks.

We need to tell that story in route to this answer.

Oh, no, damn it.

Oh, my God.

Let's tell Aaron that really story.

It is.

It is.

Okay.

So when we were filming Parenthood,

I was clearly such a grindy bitch.

And also, let me just say, from my point of view, I had met Joy before Parenthood.

I'm like, oh, this is one of the most beautiful women on the planet.

I thought that every time I met her, right?

And now I'm on the show with her and we're playing fiancés.

Yeah.

I'm like, I hit the lottery.

Is this who I have to kiss?

Is this former supermodel?

So just know, going into it, I'm like, I hit the lottery.

Okay, sorry.

I was just a regular model.

I wasn't really a supermodel, but I hear what you're saying.

So on this one day, we have this scene where we're going to kiss.

In the lead up to this scene, he has watched me

because at that time, I was smoking cigarettes.

So he'd watch me have a cigarette with a cup of coffee.

Then he watches me like, you know, a little time goes by.

I'm at the craft surface.

I'm eating a hard-boiled egg.

Oh, Jesus.

Hard-boiled, eggs.

Or they could have been either hard-boiled or like, what do you call them?

Oh, devil.

It was either hard-boiled or devil.

Either one.

Going hard on the eggs in the morning.

Going hard on the eggs in the morning.

Then I had like some salmon sticks or something.

She was gone on a salmon stick.

And I'll go back to a cigarette and some coffee.

I'm missing something.

There was one more thing that I was like.

Those are the four irony.

I was like, coffee, cigarettes, fucking eggs, eggs, salmon sticks.

And I'm just going to use snacky.

I watch it and I'm like, this is a real fuck you.

Oh, yeah.

What did I do?

So then he finally goes, you got to pick one.

You can't do all all four.

You can't smoke, drink coffee, eat hard-boiled eggs, and fucking salmon sticks, and then they quit to kiss me.

You gotta pick one.

And I don't even care what it is.

You can't do all four.

I can't do the cool.

You cannot do all four.

You gotta pick one.

I was like, oh, damn.

You know what?

My bad.

You know what?

I changed my life.

Oh, my God.

Changed my life.

I love that story.

Because for three of them, I'm like, I can't say anything.

But once the fucking salmon sticks sticks came out, I'm like, okay, I'm going to have this.

That's how I know that.

This is my boy Roy.

It was a salmon stick.

He was like some kind of stamming.

It was like some jerky or something.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Sure.

Fucking fish jerky.

Real salty.

You can't do all four of them.

You got to pick one thing.

I'm only human.

Look at the size of this nose.

I can smell and taste that.

Pick one thing.

And ever since then, I'm like, it's only one thing.

My two favorite moments along those lines is like you're acting together, you're friends, and then you have to hook up sometimes.

And so I'm trying to be cool.

And I say to Joy, like, before we have this crazy scene, do you want to have a boundaries conversation?

Like, I want to make sure I don't do anything, you know.

And Joy goes, you can do whatever the fuck you want.

Don't touch my hair.

I'm like, wow, I'm so glad we had this boundaries conversation.

Because

you better touch a white chick's hair.

She's expecting you to do something.

That's like, that's standard for a white girl.

It's like a bunch of people.

Put your fucking fingers on there.

That scene is very nice.

So that conversation yielded some

learning.

I've lightened up a little bit more.

Okay.

Okay.

I mean, you can touch it.

Well, then it led to her going like, no, no, listen, I wear a head scarf at night.

Yeah, that's what it's called.

Yeah.

I mean, I guess now people are doing bonnets, but like I do, it's a scarf.

Yeah.

And she's like, listen, I put my hair in a scarf at night.

And if I don't have my scarf on, Dave knows, okay, it's time.

And I go, oh my God, this is an incredible indicator.

All women should have head scarves.

No, but also, I will take it off.

If it evolves.

Put it on.

But like, I'm going to take it off.

That's just.

I think this food delivery is pretty fun.

I didn't.

I do think you need to have food.

There's two arguments to be made.

One is like, now we're so hungry.

I'm so hungry.

Yeah, and we're going to fucking have so much fun eating.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, we're we're gonna really go for it we're gonna have to order duck pizza everything we picked up wings

well joan

oh my god thanks for coming

mom's car with us and delivering some food this was so much fun i'm so hungry