Mom's Car: Jackie Tohn

Hello and welcome to Mom's Car.

Today, one of my friends, Jackie Tone, is on.

Jackie is an incredible singer.

She's a comedian.

She's also a great actor.

You would have definitely seen her on Glow.

And of course, nobody wants us, but everyone wants this.

And everybody wants to hang out with Jackie Tone.

What a party she is.

Her and Aaron and I,

we got it done.

Please enjoy Jackie Tone.

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Except

all that.

Look, I jinxed ourselves in a good way.

Oh,

here we go.

Hang on tight.

Kristen's car has never been driven like this.

I've been in this car a thousand times.

I've never taken that car to ride.

I'm going to say that right now.

This thing is really more capable than meets the eye.

This is a high-performance shitbox.

Wow, dude, you you pop three AAA batteries in the back of this bitch and she just goes.

Are you in a full electric?

No, no.

No, I pussed out.

Everything scares me.

All the fires scared me.

Us losing power scared me.

Not that you'd be able to get gas any easier if the world ended.

I just got a gas car.

When people are getting evacuated from the Palisades, and I was like, well, conceivably, there's not a hotel within 60 miles that has vacancy because everyone's leaving.

What are these people that had like 30 mile charge on their car?

No, there were multiple people stuck in the palisades.

I saw that would have been a good time.

Thank you.

For eats.

They were very hungry.

But people were like flagging other cars down and they were like, we have an electric car.

Can you get us out of here?

Right.

Oh, look at this.

This is fish and gym.

You know what?

What is it?

Boba Mead.

Can I tell you what's already been fun about this?

There's a lot of hidden restaurants in our neighborhood.

And we only killed two people trying to learn violin.

A mother and a daughter.

Of the many people that would be sympathetic to kill, yeah, a couple people trying to learn violin.

It just

sweet angels with backpacks holding violins.

Because you're not learning to play the violin to get pussy.

No, no, no, no, no.

Especially if you're a mother and daughter.

You know, you're not in it for the money.

You're in it for the art.

This has to be the quickest this person's food would ever get to them.

We were 50 feet away from this.

Next time I might have to go in.

Aaron already got it.

Yeah, he's fucking fast.

Look at him.

Dude, he's already secured the fucking chicken.

Let's go.

Now we do a hand up.

Okay, so the system is: Aaron picks up and I deliver.

Oh, we add delivery?

Except?

Oh, yeah, except that shit.

Oh, we're going to go to the Loco Loco.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

That's easy peasy.

Am I a galaxy?

Am I?

We've got a barn today already.

We're not saying the name of the place we picked up from, right?

Correct.

Okay, so I will say out loud that it smells like someone opened their asshole

into my throat.

into the back of my throat yeah someone got um stanker am i wrong no stinker oh are you gonna be able to handle it

it smells

i knew

okay

they got the hot shit stir-fry i'm so afraid what's in that order i'm like is it fish

my mind goes straight to fish yeah maybe there's like some um undulant feed in there

you know what it could be also

when you cook broccoli it sort of smells like absolute fart hole.

Fart hole.

I don't know how to say this gently, but I forgot to factor in you.

I didn't think, like, maybe the food stink will be too much for Jackie.

But now that we're here, I'm like, I'm a little nervous.

I will, though, just to comfort you.

That's the worst smelling item we've ever done.

It is.

It is.

Everything else has made us drool.

It smells so good.

And we'll just have you put your nose in the El Pollo logo bag to drown out the other smells.

You want to move it to the trunk?

Yeah, maybe, maybe why don't we move it to this bus that's driving by?

Maybe somebody's hungry on the old.

Move it to a trash can.

But we still went to their house and we're like, dude, you didn't want it.

But we got you some El Pollo loco.

We did you a favor.

I have a fun story.

See four leasing information on the right up here?

Yes, yes, yes.

So I Yelped the other day where to get a car wash.

You see those tarps?

Oh, that's a car wash.

And I was in the area.

I had an hour to kill.

I was like, what the fuck am I going to do over here?

Middle of Hollywood.

Yelps tells me that place is a car wash.

It's a a great place.

And I'm like, well, it's not a car wash.

It's an empty parking lot.

But I call one more time and I'm like, hey, I'm looking for a car wash.

And the guy's like, yeah, let me unlock the gate.

Okay.

Comes out, unlocks a big chain, pull my car in, re-chains.

Okay, now you're locked in.

Okay.

He goes, I lock it because I like the people around here.

And I said, okay, I hope you don't take any offense to this.

I'm a woman alone in a parking lot that you've just chained.

So if I could trouble you to just make it look like it's chained, but this way, just for my sanity.

And the guy was so sweet.

He was like, Oh, of course, God bless him.

Should I run in this time, or Aaron, you want it?

Oh, no, you got it.

I'm so good at this that it wasn't.

Yeah, you were so fast.

Thank you so much.

And I don't want to make you a target, but what kind of cash will we move around town with?

Not a ton.

I would say 40-50, but I'm always refilling it.

Joe and I went to an event the other night.

We had no cash for the valet.

Right.

And it feels horrible.

Oh, there's nothing worse.

That's what I'm curious about all these people that are

post-cash, how they're dealing with tips.

Because everywhere I go, it's grease time.

Horrible not to tip valet.

It makes you feel really bad.

And I asked this last guy, I was like, do you take Venmo?

I'm happy to like block traffic for a minute and figure this out.

Yeah, yeah.

And he was like, just Zelle.

And I was like, that's what you can't do.

I can't deal with.

Now I'm opening my bank account.

Sure.

I'm up in Wells Fargo trying to get a little bit of a bad thing.

I'm going to do that for a real close friend.

Truly.

Oh, look, he gets to meet.

That's Stephanie, I bet.

Oh my God, Stephanie's kid.

Guess what?

She doesn't know who the fuck he is anyway.

I wish I filmed filmed that.

I had a go.

She doesn't know who he is.

No, no, there's layers of humbling, which is great.

Okay, I want to ask you, Jackie, before we get into some questions, you've been on a lot of different things.

I'm presuming Glow was the biggest prior to Nobody Wants This.

That's right.

Harry just turned around and gave me such a shit-eating grin.

It was cute.

I love Jackie.

Let me add this: Aaron requested you.

Oh, I love best friend Aaron.

I think Aaron's already.

I think he can feel it.

Oh, look.

I'm over that.

I'm always going going to have it.

Blah, blah, blah.

I think it's

the roller skate party.

That's what Definitely.

I was like, I thought you were going to be a little bit more dark.

You were just looking very

good at that party, too.

The feelings were mutual.

Everybody knew Aaron Wakely was looking good at that party.

His little outfit.

Come on.

His little captain's outfit.

His little captain's suit.

Those big haunches on display, those powerful thighs and hands.

And I said, let's get involved.

Powerful thighs and hands.

Okay, so Glow is a very big show, but my guess is, is nobody wants this just the craziest phenomenon to be a part of.

I was getting my nails done this morning.

First, one girl came up and she was like, I'm so sorry to bother you.

She was on her way out.

I just love the show, and I love you on the show, and the Jewish representation, and the whole thing.

And she couldn't have been happier.

And then I got my headphones back in, kept doing my nails.

Then another girl was leaving.

She was like, I saw the other girl come up, so I didn't want to come up.

And I was like, this is so funny.

Yeah, it is.

I feel like a moment, then it's on.

It really is.

And when the show first aired, see, the thing with Netflix and streamers is.

Come on, brother.

No, this guy has to go at this pace.

I got a lot of go-to sayings.

I yell at the window of these guys when my kids aren't in the car.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I'm ready.

Literally got silent.

I'm like, I'm tuned the fuck in.

Don't hurt yourself.

You know,

don't pull anything.

See?

Feel free to go slower.

I love them all.

Yeah.

So this one has been extra special.

You're like in Frozen or a Marvel movie.

I think the viewership's that many people.

Well, it was 800 million.

Most streamed comedy of all time.

Whoa, the

Yeah, most streamed television comedy of all time, but not counting like Seinfeld and other IP

streamers.

Oh my God.

So most streamed.

Wait, can that be right?

But it's Times Views.

And every time I meet someone, they're like, I've seen it five times.

I keep it on while I'm making dinner.

I keep it on while I'm doing laundry.

I put it on after my kids go to school.

It's certainly a cult and a hit.

And Kristen says, this is second to Frozen or even maybe beating Frozen.

This is mass.

And so Goliath.

We were in New York a few months ago and I said to her, I'm like, hun, you're too famous to hang out.

Like, I can't walk down the street with you.

It's too much.

It's overwhelming.

It's every third person and you can't go anywhere.

And I was like, oh, I kind of thought we knew what it was like, but no, this is nuts.

And then you will love this.

I have a very disgusting toenail that died at some point.

I may or may not have seen a picture.

Well, you've seen the half job.

Yes, I've seen more pictures of your fucking feet than I literally care for.

Also, we have the same podiatrist, the one who miniaturized one of my toes.

I know you're aware of that.

He miniaturized one of Dax's toes.

So he sent you to him?

How would you word how he?

He's chill as fuck.

He's a parrot head.

No, he's a Buffett head.

Yeah, he was sexually inappropriate with me.

Well, that's where it turned.

It was really fun.

It was really fun.

Because he's so chill.

Yeah, he's couldn't be more chill.

He's always in another country.

I did 39 operations in three hours.

And you're like, oh, you seem really big.

And then he mutilated my toe.

And then he said something very rough.

I hate this story, but you should tell it.

I was in there and I was in workout clothes, as I 90% of the time am.

He was like, so that's all I can help you with?

I was like, yeah, thank you so much.

And as I was leaving, he peeks his head back in and he goes, and if you need anything else, you just bring that hot little body back in here.

Oh my God.

I hate that.

Like, that's really what you got to hear when you go to the doctor from a dude who's like 20 years old.

Yeah, it was really lucky.

I think I called X immediately.

Yeah, you were out.

That was the last straw.

You were still there, even though he mutilated my toe.

Oh, I wasn't having a guy surgerize my freaking toe.

Yeah, you're just having to massage your hips.

That's right.

I was just having him do two in the pig and one stick on the lemon with my toes.

Oh, boy.

Anyway, so I have this toenail on my left i discovered this because i used to take kristen on her birthday every year to get a manicure pedicure and we would go together and that was my like offerings i'm going to do this with you cutie and of course i would just get my toes done i would always get this outrageous blue well her birthday rolled around i mean this is how

blind guys are in general i think to their health right so we're about to go a year later I'm like, oh yeah, I'm going to get blue.

And all of a sudden, I realized for the first time, oh, none of my nails are blue except for my left big toe meaning they all grew out over a year this hasn't grown once

a millimeter in a year it's like they painted it yesterday and I was like oh fuck that nail's dead as hell

and that's years ago okay that's years ago I'm like I don't know what do you do with that oh where are we at five don't they usually stay on or I mean fall off

we just passed it on the right on the right yeah I'll be hard to remember what we're doing here.

By the way, this is a very upscale area that they got the shit food.

Tell them to be careful with that.

I'm going to tell them to wear it.

Do you have a nose plug?

Do you guys have a KN95?

And some smelling salt.

And a menthol rub through your upper lip.

So going back to toes, his are the only feet.

that I'm not gross.

Do you think it's because you guys just love each other?

Yeah.

It's like, who gives a fuck?

Because if his feet were on someone else, I would

grow.

Yeah, you'd be gagging.

Your mouth would be full and you'd have to.

I'm trying to think with Kristen, same thing.

Although I don't think like any of my girlfriends really gross, gross me out.

Boys, you guys are just so much more disgusting than we are.

I know.

It's just like absolutely like your gross feet.

Like if my toenail died, I would know this the day up.

Yo, yeah.

Day up.

I would know that I.

We've got like two things going.

We've got male, female, and then we've got like Jew Gentile.

Yes, we really do.

So at some point, I'm like, I guess I'm going to take a Dremel.

Do you know what a Dremel is?

Of course, because your wife has her own nail kit.

And she's got like a nail Dremel, but I use the one from the shop.

And so I get going on this nail and I take it down.

And now I can see what's happening.

There's a couple year journey with this thing where I'm Dremeling and now it does start growing, but it's growing disgustingly.

It's very fungusy and I get a spray.

And you hadn't been to, I won't say his name.

That was the end of our relationship when he cut my toe in half and then just table.

Weird, weird you didn't go back.

It actually is weird I didn't go back because I kind of would go back.

Elementary school stable gunned it back on Rotten.

Okay.

So the last time I dremeled it down, I could like really see through.

And I was like, oh, it's black under there.

And I mentioned it on the podcast.

And then enough people wrote back, like, you got to go in.

That could be cancer.

That's what that blackness could be.

So, okay.

I go to my general practitioner, although he's not that.

He's an internist.

He's offended if I call him that.

He's about to look at this disgusting tone.

He goes, You tell your wife she's our Shiksa.

And I'm like, You bet.

And then he looks at me.

He's like, Okay, yeah, I'm going to send you across the hall.

I got a good buddy.

I bet he might have an opening.

And I'm delighted.

I'm like, great, I'm getting a referral and it's happening right now.

He's going to walk me across the hall.

I feel so taken care of.

Get in with this guy.

Don't know this guy at all.

He's just about to get in there and he looks up and he goes, Your wife's our Shiksa.

Same?

This is pretty much saying they want to fuck her, right?

Also, these are like 65-year-old doctors.

That's when I was like, oh, this thing transcended everything.

The people in my parents' 55 and over community,

every single person loves it.

I've never been in a huge hit.

I have no clue.

Do you have any clue?

When you watched it, did you go, oh yeah, buckle it?

Don't you feel like your pod is a huge hit?

Huge hit in the podcast world is like a couple million listeners.

It's not 800 million.

We have a billion streams, but after seven years.

Mauzzletub, by the way.

So yeah,

I wouldn't have predicted it would have been successful.

I heard it and I'm like, I don't know, is it better or worse than other ones?

Should I say this, but it being a Smash doesn't really even make it better than others anyway, which is crazy.

Right, right.

Yeah, yeah.

Like the best movie I've ever been in, the best movie is Athura, and it tanks.

But that's like the most well-made film.

Here's the very quick answer is absolutely not.

Right, right, right.

Not only did we not know it was going to be a hit, we were hopeful sort of anyone would watch it.

I wasn't involved at this point, but I was friends with Kristen and knew that she was.

And then the strike interrupted it for like a year.

And then all this other shit was a lot of fun.

So it's very Jewish heavy.

We haven't seen a huge Jewish hit.

Very Jewish heavy.

There's obviously, I was going to say, there's obviously a lot of political shit going on.

Yeah, the timing was incredible.

Tylight dicey time.

And so we were just like, is anyone going to watch this?

And the people who do watch it, are the numbers just going to be high enough for the ends to justify the means here?

So for it to explode the way it did it's radical yeah I think it feels like buying a lottery ticket people were throwing around the term cultural juggernaut yeah of course I was saying it's a cultural phenomenon like

which is what everyone's talking about was it random that you and Kristen got it was not at all so I got the audition through my agent And then I told Kristen, who is my best friend, who I knew was making this show.

Right.

She didn't call me and go, like, you need to audition for this.

She was living her life.

And my agent was like, hey, we have an audition for you for this show called Shicks.

Well, she was like going to the mat for Adam Brody.

She was going to the mat, and she's executive producing and creating.

And also, the part that she thought I was right for wasn't even casting yet.

My agents got this audition to play Adam's ex-girlfriend, like the perfect Jewish girl, Rebecca.

So, I saw Kristen one day and I was like, That's not your ski.

No, you're like, This is far more annoying.

No, you're like a super sexy version of what's his ass's wife on Kerr.

Oh, I'll take it.

She's a queen.

Cheryl Lines?

No, no, Susie Esmus.

Yeah, Susie.

She wants to bless this mess.

Thank you.

So you're like a sexy virgin.

I'll take it all fucking day.

So I tell Kristen that I'm auditioning for Rebecca and she's like, wait on that.

There's a role.

And it was only supposed to be a couple episodes.

She's like, but there's a role for Adam Brody's sister-in-law who is not into the fact that there's this new girl in town.

You should try out for that.

And so I made a tape in December and I didn't find out I got it until January.

I'm on your

on many phone calls going, you don't need to look any further.

Jackie was born to play this role.

We were on a hike and I said something, you know, bordering on anti-Semitic.

I said, they're not going to find anyone that's going to out-Jew Jackie in this role.

She is like what Dice Clay is to the Italians.

She's going to fucking bend this over and that's fucking, yeah, yeah.

Es fuck it.

That's it.

I'll know Dice is Jesus.

That's in Hebrew.

Dice is Jewish.

Dice is Jewish.

That's a terrible example.

No one wants to.

The Chappelle, can we say Chappelle?

Aaron Carnegie viewed for knowing Dice was Jewish.

Oh, you know.

I almost said it, but I was like, I'm not going to step on the bed.

I mean, he is Jewish.

Leave it to best for you.

I just say it in case you were wondering if I knew or not.

Good for him, too.

Yeah.

To me, in Michigan, I was like, oh, he's Italian as well.

As a Jew in New York, I was like, this guy's Italian as well.

Yeah.

Jack B.

Nabull, Jack B.

Quick, Jack burnt off his fucking name.

Fucking quick.

Kristen and I had like a moment where.

You know, Dice isn't the most embraced comedian, but he's not at the height of his current culture.

God damn, did I think he was hysterical when I was like 12?

I couldn't get enough of it.

And so I decided to show her some videos that I'm like, she's going to hate this.

She left.

That's what I love about Kristen: her main ethos is funny.

Comedy wins no matter what other things she's juggling ethics-wise.

Truly.

Can you even believe it?

Boom-boy.

That's a third mask wanting.

Whoa.

Oh, it's right here.

We're like an inch away.

Oh, boba time.

What time is it?

It's boba time.

Oh, welcome back, Erin.

Mana Chewitz.

What'd you get?

What'd you get?

A shit ton of smoothies.

Oh, smoothies, not bobas?

I was tempted to order some for us, but.

Oh, my man.

We didn't.

Bright red Corvette.

Dude, I hope he's getting some bobs.

Okay, so now we do two fun things.

I think they're fun.

One is we do a moral dumbfounding philosophical question.

Okay.

In a nutshell, moral dumbfounding is you can't really mount an intellectual argument for why it's not moral, but it just feels really bad.

I think you're really going to enjoy it.

Yes.

I think for the three of us.

Can we say as a safe estimate baseline, we have loosey-goosey morals a little bit.

Us three.

Maybe relative to...

Not like we're thieves or we hurt people.

Yeah, I would say that certain things are gray area that other people would not think are gray area.

Right, there we go.

Nailed it.

Nailed it.

That's a great way to euphemize our lack of morals.

Okay, let's start with a moral dumbfounding.

A family's pet dog dies in an accident.

Instead of burying it or cremating it, they decide to cook it and eat it to avoid waste.

No one else finds out and they enjoy the meal.

Am I wrong that you missed a part where it says they had heard dog was delicious?

It's not in here.

It's not.

No.

Well, maybe when AI didn't give me the full.

I think a part of that one, because I know this one.

Yeah, okay.

Is they also had heard dog was delicious.

Oh, of course.

Oh, okay.

So just know that they had heard it was delicious.

The family dog died of natural causes in the backyard.

Dies in an accident.

Oh,

so they've heard dogs were delicious to eat.

And instead of burying it,

they decided to cook it and eat it to avoid waste.

To avoid waste is an annoying addendum.

It's like, what waste would there be you'd put it in the ground and then the bugs would get it and that wouldn't be waste anyway you could make an argument this isn't mine but you could say well they didn't then go and buy some beef that night so they saved their consumption of the beef and didn't waste this available meat they had yeah i feel like it's someone who runs over a raccoon on the road and they eat it like i applaud like richard christie from the stern show

exactly this is exactly what i was thinking of hi richard we're having a coon tonight.

We're having coon tonight, Richard.

This is your dad.

This is your dad.

Bring your appetite.

And you're a dog owner, and maybe we should talk a little bit about Glenn for a second.

Glenn?

Because this is a very fun animal story, I think.

Glenn's my best guy.

Hi.

I love Glenn.

He's the love of your life.

Aaron!

Erin, can I speak to you because Glenn's my own dog?

Is this your Glenn voice?

Your Glenn talking voice?

She has many Glenn voice.

I have many Glenn talking.

I was just looking for a picture, the best picture of him.

I know know that he was three of them.

Aaron, you have to hear this.

Glenn was our dog first.

We rescued Glenn, and I don't care for dogs all that much,

but I loved Glenn.

Glenn was such a sweet boy.

He looked exactly like a Glenn.

I named him Glenn, I think.

You 100% named him Glenn.

He was just a soft boy.

By the way, best dog name.

Anytime I tell anyone his name is Glenn, they fucking bug.

And it's been happening around Patton for 10 years.

And every time they go, God, that is such a good dog.

There's no way that you would look at Glenn and then hear his name and have an issue with it.

No one has ever owned a name as much as Glenn owns his name.

So

the problem with Glenn is he's a super dander creator.

He has so much fucking dander.

And I've never been as allergic to a dog as I was, Glenn.

Even if he just walked in the room, my eyes were red, my nose was running.

And wasn't it happening to Delta too?

Like, wasn't she a baby, baby, baby?

That would make sense because I doubt that my own allergies to it would have gotten him out of the house.

Because I was allergic to the previous two dogs, and no one seemed to mind too much.

No, no one gave a fat rat's ass.

So I loved Glenn, but we couldn't have him.

And then Jackie was visiting so often that she developed

a relationship with Glenn.

She was living in our home.

She basically was on the floor of the home at all times.

And she fell in love with Glenn.

That's true.

And I was like, Jackie, we're going to get rid of Glenn.

I really think you should take Glenn.

And Jackie, go ahead.

What were your initial thoughts?

My initial thoughts were, by the way, this is Glenn's vet, right here.

Oh, Glenn.

My initial thoughts were, absolutely not.

What's really interesting is not only were you not a dog person,

I was not a dog person.

When I was at a restaurant and like someone's dog would be like at your feet and other people would be like, cutie, I'd be like, we're at a restaurant.

Get the fuck out.

Like, you're an ass.

Like, I don't need your paws on my knee while I try to eat.

So I was not into dogs at all.

And people used to give me shit and be like, do you think it's fucked up that like you want a kid, but you don't like dogs?

People were giving people think that's amoral to get lobby.

I was getting shit for it all the time.

And because Kristen was rescuing dogs four times a week, it was chipping away at my like, oh, this one's cute.

And Shaky, one of her first dogs, was the first dog I was ever friends with.

It's the same.

Mac and Shaky.

Yeah.

So Shaky was the first dog I was ever friends with.

And then Lola, or at the same time.

And then Glenn came along and I loved him and he took a liking to me.

And I remember saying to them, like, first of all, I live in a one-bedroom apartment.

I am unemployed.

This was in August, and I was like, I'm traveling in December.

And Kristen laughed in my face.

She was like, you can't take a dog because you're traveling in six months.

You'll drop your back off over here.

You'll be fine.

And Dax was like, listen, can you just take him for the weekend?

I need my face to be able to clear up, please.

And we'll figure it out.

He would knowing full well I was never going to give back the dog.

I go, fine, just for the weekend.

There was literally a moment on the porch.

So I'm on the porch, and he puts Glenn in in my arms i was about to leave without him

and he goes just for the weekend and he puts glenn in my arms with a bag of food and puts the leash like draped on my shoulders it's the most forceful i've ever been i think closes the door i hear a lock and then through the door i hear and maybe this will help with your commitment issues

i had two motives a i wanted glenn to be happy i knew she loved glenn and then also we had had many talk about commitment issues and i'm like this is the perfect way to to

fucking immersion therapy.

Yeah.

Commitment.

You might have called with some questions in the morning, but you just never look back.

That dog is never coming back.

That's my soulmate.

There's really no question that he's my soulmate.

I mean, on more than 20 occasions, I've cried looking at him.

I love this fucking dog.

Did Dad say that after he locked the door?

Yep.

That is the cinematic timing that Jack Shepherd gives you every time.

I hear it go,

and maybe this will help with your commitment issues.

And I think through the door, I was like, you're a fucking asshole, dude.

I'll worry about my commitment issues.

None of your business.

Okay, so I bring Glenn up because it's not like you don't have a dog.

So as you vote for this moral conundrum.

God, you're so good at bringing it back around.

You really haven't smoked pot in a long time.

I'm proud of you.

You know what it's like to love and cherish a dog.

Now, where the

1911 is right here at the corner.

This is the one.

Oh, yeah.

1907.

See, I'm not going to pull up in there driving.

That's not a

town.

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Get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats.

What do we mean by almost?

Well, you can't get a well-groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmesan delivered.

A day at the lake?

That's a no.

A Philly cheesesteak?

That's a yes.

An afternoon stroll?

Sorry, no.

A burrito bowl?

Happily yes.

What about a day of sunshine?

Not happening.

A box of fine chocolates?

Yes, that's happening.

Delivery on its way.

Okay, how about some clear skies?

No.

Well, then, how about some French fries?

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Okay.

Here we go.

We've made a fortune today.

We might even pay for our in and out of the gas.

Dax was saying you do Uber in Detroit and it's fucking madness.

It's fun.

This would upset Dax probably, but I don't want to do it.

Right.

I don't think

I'm trying to make ends meet.

But there is fun stuff.

Things that happen.

We're talking about his Uber.

Dude got in the back seat with a full ski mask on.

No, no, no.

That's absolutely going to be a no.

I don't know.

That was my first ride ever.

No, it wasn't.

Yes, it was.

No.

I was like, oh, man.

You want to hear the punchline?

Yep.

He drove him to a place of employment.

He took his mask off and went in and went to work.

And it was a style thing.

And I was like, how does one know if it's style or he just robbed a bank?

We got to get you to vote on this moral conundra.

This is the thing.

I'm a vegetarian.

I personally don't eat any meat.

I'm going to sound like such a crunchy dickhead, but like, I think if you're eating all kinds of meat, like, what's the diff?

Yeah, is it that much different?

So I obviously don't eat meat and don't think you should eat your dog.

And I think that is not the way.

When you say it out loud, I don't want you to eat your dog.

But if, like, you eat all sorts of meat, you eat, let's say, roadkill, and you eat all this other meat, and you are Richard Christie's family, it's not the end of the world, especially if you didn't kill it to eat it.

That would be beyond.

Now we got a real issue.

I just think you have to admit it's very arbitrary what we think you're allowed to eat and not eat.

Yeah.

It's like, yeah, we can eat a deer, we can eat a cow, we can't eat a camel, we can't eat a horse, we can't, you know, like

none of it makes a ton of sense.

Aaron, where are you at on it?

I feel like I know, but what do you think?

You also are a dog lover and dog owner.

Listen, I think anyone is entitled to do that.

I don't have a problem with it.

I wouldn't because I'm in fucking love with my dogs and they're my soulmates as well.

Imagine that.

I would probably fucking sleep with their rotting body until it was in too bad of condition to eat.

Someone said this the other day.

I wonder what your two sense is.

Let me own, I'm too sensitive to comments.

My fault.

But someone was mad because a topic came up.

Boy, it felt kind of a name to me, but it was like, you should have done a trigger warning.

God, I got to remember that you told me that.

I was like, really?

But at some point, my show's about addiction and trauma and molesting.

That's what the show is.

Do you need to be reminded every episode?

Or at what point could you go like, yeah, I know what this show is?

Like, you're not watching Jerry Springer if you hate chicks fighting in bras.

That's right.

You can't watch the show and be upset that that happens.

Is the person saying like, oh, it was their first time listening, so they didn't know?

No, they like the show.

That's what's sad.

I don't want to upset any of these people.

They're arm cherries and I love them, but it was probably eating disorder.

That's, I get that a lot.

That's a very common, like they want to be warned.

But I'm like, it's Nikki Glazer.

Her stand-up routine is about ED quite often.

And this is a show where we talk about trauma.

Like, I don't know, am I being overly sensitive?

No, I do get it.

But it's that same thing where it just becomes a spectrum of like, you have mesophonia, so I have to let you know that someone's chewing.

I can't do it and I'm not going to do it.

I want some responsibility for themselves, which is like, if it's triggering to hear about someone talking about eating a certain, like, then listen to Smartless.

i guarantee they're never gonna bring it up listen to like comedy pod yeah there's so many but if you're listening to one that's in the statement is the messiness of being human and it's all about addiction and stuff i don't know i do feel empathy for that person i just think it's really hard to go through your life expecting everybody to like warn you of everything that's going to happen in your daily life every radio show every tv every everything it's like shit's going to suck sometimes and things are going to come up and hopefully you could be doing the work with your therapist or with the people in your life to be like ah this came up today and it fucking sucks i guess my broader point was every single episode would have a trigger warning sure and at some point wouldn't everyone know like yeah this isn't a show if you're easily triggered right right but i guess that's the assumption okay let's do an advicey question okay this is from a listener

oh god

now i am sympathetic to the mitravonia people i'm sorry that fucker is stuck in my throat

dax it's just you and me aaron past

oh no i'll I'll miss him.

I liked him.

Should have been a trigger warning that guy was going to choke to death in the episode.

Now, that's a trigger warning I can get for it.

Somebody just died.

He lost a loved one in a choking accident.

He died doing what he loves.

He's joking on bagels.

Joking on mangles that he thought was dry bagels.

Okay.

Title is Husbands Looking at Sexy Girls on the Gram and YouTube.

Well, I have a little of a dilemma.

For context, I'm 37.

My husband is 57.

whoa okay yes he is a great husband no complaints but for a while now he only wants to have sex if i'm wearing some kind of mini skirt love it do it but hold on are you saying that or is the no i'm reading verbatim she said love it do it yeah okay great she loves it she does it but now that's the only way it's like

Okay, I'm all for looking sexy and role play and all, but all the time, like, no.

So I went on his instagram and saw he was looking at all kinds of sexy big booty mini skirt girls whatever saw his youtube and the same it's not porn just modeling tiny skirts booty out whatever to be in so much pain and keep saying whatever like eight to ten times okay my issue is that now that's the only way he wants to do it when and if i dress up we have a healthy sex life no complaints oh my angel i I will even take pictures of myself with the minis and send to him.

He loves it.

But for me, it's getting old and I'm feeling a little weird about it and I don't know why.

Is he thinking of them or me?

I don't know.

Do I have an issue with this?

I do.

But I don't really.

I don't know.

But something about this is bugging me.

Interesting.

Yeah, well, Jackie, what do you think?

Wanna go first?

Yeah.

Okay.

My first thought is talk to your partner, of course.

I'm wondering, has she already

brought it up?

Because I think if there was only one very particular way my partner was comfortable having sex, I would have to bring it up because also there's two people involved in the relationship.

And the way that I want to get started should be taken into account as well as the way that my partner wants to get started.

For me, it's more of like, well, is she getting her.

needs met and why isn't she bringing that up and as far as like the instagram and youtube

you almost gotta break apart yes there's multiple different issues going on.

I'm someone that is of the opinion that you shouldn't care if your partner looks at pictures or watches pornography.

I think like what's happening in their imagination, you don't really have a right to own that real estate.

I think what everyone's fantasy life is is up to them.

And I don't think that that's part of monogamy.

I don't think you get to say you're not going to enjoy pictures of people.

Now, I know people who have actual porn addiction.

Right.

And it's very destructive to a relationship.

So it's like, okay, what version?

Is it they watch porn a few times a week or are they like watching six times a day?

And they're not leaving hygiene.

And if they have a free day, they spend eight hours jerking up.

Like that really gets in the way of your relationship.

And in your life in general, but yeah.

It's an addiction and there's wreckage.

So there's not enough info for me to say like, does the guy have a problem?

I think it's interesting he's not watching porn.

It's kind of like a PG version of this.

But also like, is he and she just doesn't know?

She would know.

It sounds like.

It sounds like she's all over his IG and his YouTube.

A shocker, I agree with you.

But

I know that's what makes this show so great.

I agree with everything you say.

That's why we have a guest.

But I do, yeah, I do want to say that I think it's so healthy for couples to have their own fantasy life.

I can't see it being you're only thinking about your spouse.

But also, if you say you are, you're you're lying anyway.

And is that worse where you're like, no, I've never thought someone else was hot?

Because then

you're being dishonored.

Right.

If you have a partner who's like, you better not be thinking of anyone else, it's like, well, okay, then I'm not.

You know what that's what I'm going to say?

I'm happy to say that.

Well, and I think people have like rungs of this, right?

Like it seems that it's very common for people to be able to say it about Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston.

Right, right.

Right.

That there's some safe level.

The idea of a hall pass is interesting.

People are like fine with that.

Like, oh, my hall pass is Brad Pitt.

And obviously it's safe because it can never happen.

But you're okay with that.

Most people are okay with that.

Where it gets tricky is, do you think someone's attractive in your inner circle?

At work.

At work.

Again, I know I'm out on the spectrum on this.

I don't think what I'm going to say is normal.

I would think it would be nuts if Kristen wasn't attracted to guys.

And I think it'd be nuts if she wasn't attracted to people she knows in work.

I think you just got to be really clear about what is the thing that's being violated that you cherish.

Like I've always said, if Kristen fucked a dude in a trailer and I never found out about it, I don't care.

If Kristen's involved in an affair and she's not present with me as my partner and she's not present with the kids and she's lying and juggling this other life, that's a real problem for us.

For me, it's not even the sex.

It's just like, well, you're very distracted by something and I need this level of partnership from you.

And that's getting in the way.

But back to this person, my just gut tells me this guy has some intimacy issues.

Like he has got to objectify her in a way that she fits into this category of what he likes, which is girls in skirts, anonymous girls in skirts.

And he almost needs to make her be this so he can maybe be sexual with her and not feel shame or something.

I just think something is afoot.

And so I also wonder if it's like that thing in mating in captivity where it's like there has to be distance created for you to then be attracted to a person, which is why it's

Esther Parak.

Like why sex lives die so much in relationships because that person is so available to you.

And there's that sense of this isn't her.

This isn't them.

There's like a little bit of distance there.

They're literally like an anonymous bent over

payhole.

Yeah.

And she says modern day romance is like, we want you to be our best friend, our confidant, our lover, our business partner.

Every single thing.

Yeah.

I'm feeling bad for this girl.

Me too.

I just want her to talk to me.

I feel bad and I wish she would go to couples therapy to get it out in the open with a third party.

I'm a big supporter of that.

Yeah, me too.

I can only imagine this dude's going to get defensive when she brings this up.

I don't think the approach is for her to go like, I'm worried that you have this thing.

Right.

I don't think his thing is your business nor your right to say.

What you should say is like, I need more.

I desire more.

This isn't the way that I want to have sex offering.

I'm not

looking at you.

I'm not going to judge the way you're into it, whatever your thing is.

I'm not going to try to threaten that or talk you out of it, but this is what I need.

I need to be in other outfits.

I'd like to look at your face sometimes.

My hunch is he doesn't.

I don't know.

It feels very detached and kind of objectified.

Because I think also if they were having fun and she was getting all her needs met, you're only as needy as your unmet needs.

Until I've been in therapy.

Say that only as needy.

So she doesn't feel seen by him.

Because if she did and then she looked over his shoulder and he was looking at a hot ass in a skirt, she'd lean in and be like, oh, cute buns.

She would feel involved in the relationship.

But because she feels sort of left out to dry.

Sounds like she's been assigned a role.

She has.

Like, I need you to do all this.

And be all these people, right?

Which sucks.

Do we dare talk about the age gap?

That's the other thing.

I would just be nervous that he's so virile.

Well, hey, this guy's on fire.

I'm not looking at much stuff anymore at 50.

This guy's impressive, but

I'm going to guess.

And it'll offend people.

I'm worried about the leverage in the relationship.

My hunch is 57, 27.

Was it that

37, 57?

My hunch is he's financially sorted.

He's already been married or not.

I don't know.

I just

worry about the leverage in the situation.

And this might just be a symptom of that leverage.

Right.

It's his house.

Maybe 37-year-old girls get deadbeat 57-year-olds, but I don't.

Right.

I doubt exactly.

I think it's low percentage.

And if you're like, yeah, I own the home and you came into my life and this is my thing.

This is what I like.

I just am, I'm a little nervous of the overall leverage.

Which I can't speak to, but do not care for and make me have even more distaste for this poor gal situation.

Because it's interesting.

It's not the end of the world.

It's like a lot of people are in just sexless marriages.

It's a nightmare.

It doesn't sound like she's asking for much.

She's like down to partying.

She'll wear it and she likes it, but she also wants some other variety.

Feels like this guy's lucky.

Sounds like this guy's got it made.

Yeah, but he can't have it made much longer.

Have you ever had a boyfriend that had like some very specific, it had to be one way?

No, not in it had to be one way.

Just people liking certain things.

Not that I was grossed out by or not into, but like, oh, that's a twist.

Oh, sure.

Okay, hi, hi.

I know.

but never never something where i was like oh my god this is the only

i would do it but thankfully i've never been asked to like wear a police costume and come in the house and role play and bad acting that would be really hard i would do it if that's what someone desired it would be such a turn off for me you haven't done anything no any of that like crazy i don't know how someone can do that oh my god i have a hard enough time that outfit you wore to the roller skating party yeah oh my god taking someone seriously if it happens by accident if you're both in crazy costume stupid that's cool this is so crazy this has popped into my brain there's something weirdly hot about anonymous yes right like if young did you ever read fear of flying uh maybe when i was younger years and years ago seminal feminists were

the zipless fuck was her term

she desired the zipless fuck she wanted to meet like a guy on the train i've always had that with like someone in the supermarket yeah like you just see someone across the supermarket and like within five minutes you're in someone's car yeah

but i've never done that aaron has done that.

Yes, the supermarket.

Fuck.

Well, just, I've never seen records set like this.

Where one time we were in high school and we were at this place we hung out at Country Boy or Restaurant.

It was like an even lower end of a Denny's.

Oh my God.

I didn't know you could.

And she arrived and I think with my girlfriend Carrie.

And then I swear to God, Jackie, five minutes later, they were fucking in the bathroom in 12th grade.

I was getting jacked under the table.

This is a

great

story.

How, how did it happen?

She just took it out.

I'll heal my whole theory after he tells you.

Yeah, I don't remember.

Aaron has the cutest, most innocent smile.

And I have seen many times girls meet Aaron and they're like, oh, he's so safe.

I'm going to be the aggressor, which is lovely.

I've seen it so many times in 35 years.

I think girls rightly so when they meet me, they're like, watch out, this guy's horny.

He's got an agenda.

I'm going to have my guard up and gray.

And they should.

But I think Aaron's cute smile has A, got us out of every issue we were in in junior high.

Every time we were getting yelled at, he would smile real cute and they would send me to the principal's office.

Or he could fart in class.

He would smile and laugh.

And the girls would be like, oh my God, that's so cute.

How high-pitched it was.

He was the only kid who could fart in junior high and girls thought it was super cute.

Thank you for saying that.

Ruby will never believe me that that happened.

100%.

And then we'd be at a restaurant and he'd just smile at a girl and she'd start jerking off under the table and then they would go to the bathroom and fuck.

Yeah, it's hard not to be jealous of someone.

What a delight.

Well, a lot of fast acting today.

A lot of fast actors in acting.

No athletes

to be found.

You've had some quick, though.

You've had some quick, quick.

And I will not be talking about those songs.

I know some zero to six.

Zero to six.

I have some favorite.

He has some favorite men's.

Yeah.

He's some favorite men's.

In fact, you can cut them out.

I told this story recently because, because, okay, I was filming.

My name is Earl.

I was guest starring for a week and the lead actress was not shooting that week.

And so I had her trailer.

They gave me her trailer.

Oh.

And so it's like Friday.

It's the last day.

I've been outside.

It's 95 degrees in North Hollywood.

That's where we're filming.

And I'm outside the whole time.

I get back to the trailer and I hear that they've called her in.

We finished early and they've called her and they're actually going to pick up a scene, right?

Jamie Presley.

Yeah.

So now I'm getting out of my wardrobe and I have my clothes and I start dilly daling.

You know this story because you're one of the people we told this to.

Okay.

Now I'm really taking my sweet time.

I'm naked for a while in a trailer.

It's like I'm having an ethical dilemma about it.

Just so sexy.

I don't know.

I'm in her trailer naked.

And then I walk by the mirror where you sit at the little table and I see that my testicles are lower than my penis.

They were so fucking droopy from the 95-degree day of shooting in full wardrobe.

And I was like, oh my God, it looked like Taffy.

It was so gross that I like ran and got my clothes on.

But then Kristen and I get together and I tell her this story.

And she goes, Let me just tell you right now, no woman wants to walk in her trailer and see you naked.

And I'm like, you're probably right, but I would love to walk in my trailer and see a naked woman.

So we asked so many people.

And the only person we ever asked

was you where you're like i don't know let me see i walk on my trailer you're in there naked and you're like yeah i'm up for seeing that

And so I held on to my argument for a decade based solely.

You were the only person that said it was, but I was like, okay, there is one.

Yes, I did.

And Kristen always says she married me.

Yes, exactly.

But I just held on to it.

And then lo and behold, Jackie, I don't know if you remember the punchline, but Kristen and I go to Ethan Sappley's kids' birthday party.

There's a hot tub.

We're in it.

And I look to my left and Jamie Presley's in the hot tub.

And I'm like, oh, hey, chat, chat, chat.

And then I go, oh my God, you could settle about a decade-long debate between Kristen and I.

And I go, so I had your trailer.

I was really dilly-dallying.

I was naked.

What would have been your reaction?

She goes, oh, terrified.

I'd hate it.

Okay.

Well, that's

the end of that.

We have our resolution.

I did not remember the whole story.

Yeah.

We got from the horse's mouth when we settled this debate here's what's scary about my memory i remember the story now of course and of course i stand by that i would have been like oh cool yeah why not i would have just been like oh i'll i'll be right back

you want to want me to come in yeah well listen there was a time gentleman i was watching myself on celebrity jeopardy recently which of course has a hundred insane things about that sentence wait jackie i haven't seen that i played against neil degrasse tyson oh good luck that's not fair Do you want me to tell you what happened?

Tell me.

Well, it was already aired.

That's why I can tell you.

I'll beat him.

You beat Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Did you win?

I won my episode, and then I went on to the semifinals, which have not aired yet, so I can't tell you what happened.

Oh, my God.

Until you shut the cameras, I can't tell you what happened there.

But the point of this story is I had a couple friends over just to watch it because I had my friend Brendan coach me because he's a Jeopardy champion on Real Jeopardy.

So I had him come over and coach me.

And as we're watching it on the air, they ask a question and I'm like, fuck, fuck if I know.

And TV Jackie buzzes in and goes, Pendulum.

Wow, you had gotten dumber since you

had recorded it.

I'm going to go ahead and get it.

But I'm just saying if it makes me feel any better that as you're telling me this story, it's coming back to me in pieces.

I admire your bravery because A, I've been invited.

I watched Jeopardy for years.

Of course.

I think I'm good.

Honestly, I'm too vain to go there and find out I'm not good.

It's too high risk for me.

I think it's too high risk for you too, but I don't think it's too high risk for me.

Because you're famously very bright.

You're famously low.

You are and like what you've studied and your pod and you know things.

Like that's not, that's not what I'm known for.

I'm known for like having jokes and it is what it is.

And so I thought if I show up,

zero to 60s, couple backs, a couple cars.

But I was like, if I show up and I just don't look like a huge asshole, I'll be fine.

What I saw was the clip you posted, which is you being hysterical on Jeopardy, taking huge swings and landing them.

And I was like, this is incredible.

I think this is the wildest I've seen someone be on Jeopardy.

I was really admiring

what you did.

When I got a daily double, I was like, can I'm never able to say this again?

So I'm saying it now.

I'd like to make it a true daily double.

Yes.

Even if I fucking lose.

Because my charity was getting 30K anyway.

I'm not going to win against Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Yeah.

So what do we need to do?

And guess what?

You are.

So guess what?

There's no win for him.

He likes fought a woman, basically.

You win, you lose.

You lose, you lose.

You lose.

At the end of the game, he and the other gal we were playing against, Melissa Peterman, she's like from Reba and stuff.

They were both at about 12 or 13,000 points, and I was about 8,000.

So I wasn't going to win, but I was doing okay.

Yeah.

So then for Final Jeopardy, I was like, well, I'm just going to go for it.

What was the question?

Ready for the clue?

Yeah.

The Muppets.

Okay.

Really celebrity Jeopardy-like SNL.

So I was like, okay.

In, I think it was Mike Muppets Take Manhattan or the Great Muppet Caper.

One box is marked frog.

It has Kerman in it.

One box is marked bear.

It has Fozzie in it.

One box is marked whatever and it has this in it.

And Melissa said animal.

Yeah.

Neil said snuffalufagus.

And I said the correct answer, which was Gonzo.

Gonzo,

really good work.

I almost forgot about Gonzo.

Oh my god, Gonzo the Great.

Have you done Sesame Street?

No, but I want to.

And I was, well, excuse me, ask that again.

Have you done Sesame Street?

Yeah, when I was 11.

Oh, my God.

But not as a grown.

Not as a grown.

When I was a little kid, my agent, Aggie Gold of Fresh Faces Agency.

That was the name of it, Fresh Faces.

And I was a kid actor.

She got an audition for a kid for Sesame Street who could pogo stick.

So naturally, she submitted me and they called and they said, can she pogo stick?

We really need someone to pogo stick.

She said, of course she can.

She calls me and she says, you got to learn to pogo stick.

And how long is the heads up?

How many days?

Two, three max.

Okay, wow.

My mom, like, I think borrowed a pogo stick from a family friend.

And of course I made this mistake.

I pogo sticked on the floor.

I would say marble, but we all know it wasn't marble in my house on Long Island, but that's what it looked like.

Yes, it was a tile moment.

The tiley granity moment.

These boys' shorts, exactly the same.

And I'm pogoing and I fall forward and I smash my nose.

That's still broken.

Oh, wow.

And I go to my my next door neighbor because my parents were home.

I was 11.

And I bang on his door.

Sal Vinty, Salvador Vinty.

I am.

Okay, he lives.

He lives next door.

Called himself.

Ready for what he called himself?

Chucky the love grenade.

What?

Chucky the love grenade.

This is a true story.

Chucky was a disc jockey.

He literally was a cop.

Okay.

But he would be like, if you have any questions, ask Chucky the love grenade.

Okay.

So Sal comes over and I'm like, I bashed my nose.

My nose was bleeding.

He takes the bridge of my nose and just squeezes it.

Oh, wow.

And he's like, I felt something go back into place.

And then he's like, wait till your parents get home.

My parents got home.

Then the blood stopped.

I never went to the doctor, never got my nose fixed.

Yeah.

Mine was broken and it didn't get fixed.

Yeah.

Never got fixed.

But I forgot that the Chucky, the love grenade thing, that may have been after I booked.

I don't remember.

Because then they had to put makeup on me after I booked because I was brute.

And did you no longer have to ride the pogo stick?

I still did.

I did.

So I think the order was: I got the audition.

My agent said, You need to learn to pogo stick.

i learned

then i booked but i all i could do was like do it three times in a row standing still and then of course when i got there they were like so we'll have you pogo in and pogo out and then i had to lie and be like these floors in the bottom of the it's that that but of course i just didn't know how to mobile pogo so after i booked that's when i cracked my nose in between booking and filming.

Oh, that's so weird because that's my broken nose story, too.

I had booked a fucking Carl's Jr.

commercial, which I could not book anything.

That was so bad.

And on the weekend before we shot 22, on the weekend, a guy broke my nose in a fist fight and I tried to show up and my nose was so fucking big and my eyes were like, I was like, makeup.

And they're like, oh my God, no.

I'm like, no, dude, you have a backup for this very reason.

You fucking dickhead.

Yeah.

They're like, Brian, and the other guy comes right in and replaces you immediately.

The director just put on

my outfit.

100%.

Well, Jackie, that was so fun.

I'm so glad you joined.

I'm so glad we did this.

And you were really a good luck charm.

Did you have fun?

I had the best of you.

Oh, good.

Huggy boys.

This was delicious.

I love you.

I ate all my snacks.

I love you.