Mom's Car: Ryan Hansen

Speaker 1 Welcome to Mom's Car. Today we have an old friend on, friend of the pod, Ryan Hanson, the ever charming, cute, talented, backflipping Ryan Hanson, Veronica Kamars, party down.

Speaker 1 You name it.

Speaker 2 This guy is as charming as it gets. We love Ryan and we had a blast.

Speaker 4 Please enjoy the cutest of the cute, Ryan Hansen. You know what's smart? Checking all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance.
You know what's not smart?

Speaker 4 Not checking the coffee lids secure before you take that first sip. My morning coffee ended up all over me and let me tell you, that smell does not come out easily.
Yeah, checking first is smart.

Speaker 4 So check All State First for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate.
Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability.

Speaker 4 Allstate North America Insurance Co. and affiliates, North Brook, Illinois.

Speaker 3 I think you would be the perfect person. I think we should talk about what a euphoric drug popularity is.
Oh, yeah, sure. I like that.
And I was thinking, you're so popular.

Speaker 3 When did you start to recognize you were popular? Like what grade and what was going on? Uh-huh. Okay.
Well, I was like, Were you nervous to talk about it? I'm just so self-deprecating.

Speaker 3 It's like, am I worried about that?

Speaker 3 I'm so humble. I'm so humble.

Speaker 3 It's almost hurt how humble you are. To be honest, and I'm going to be honest, I always felt pretty famous.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 My dad was a music pastor at all these churches, and like we were just known. Everybody knew the pastor's kids.
We could do whatever we wanted. That was at church, at least.

Speaker 3 And so my brother and I ran the Sunday School Mafia. Did you use your powers at all? Oh, for sure.
We got away with murder. What falls under the umbrella of murder at that time?

Speaker 3 Going through the lost and found and pretty much taking everything.

Speaker 3 We got all my new baseball gloves through there. Although I think my dad was in on that one.

Speaker 3 We'd be there all day because there's like a morning service and then the later service, we were only in one, but then we just would run around backstage.

Speaker 3 We'd go in the baptism and like take some dips. Wow.
Yeah, get in the baptism.

Speaker 3 And then run around just wet. Did you have any? I don't know what the right word is, but like my father was so loved in AA.
He was like the most popular guy in Michigan AA. He had a trillion friends.

Speaker 3 They all loved him. Yeah.
And there was some bit of me that was like resentful against him. And somehow I didn't love how

Speaker 3 dad is like being loved because he's a man of the cloth and he's a musician and a pastor. Were you ever judgmental? Like, you're not that good.

Speaker 3 I didn't look at it that way. I always liked him on stage and he's kind of a rock star at church.
Like, and he wasn't like the speaking pastor where it was never like acting holy or exactly.

Speaker 3 Exactly. He was just kind of like the music and the orchestras and the big choirs and the plays.
And I always got to be in them. And my mom did the children's choir.
I really enjoyed life at church.

Speaker 3 And, you know, school was different. Like, no one gave a shit.
I don't know if I just am accidentally running into these people or it's true. I feel like San Diego is pretty darn Christian.

Speaker 3 Everyone I meet from San Diego is pretty into church for California. At school, do you feel like most kids were going to church or no? Well, more than here, that's for sure.
Yeah, yeah. Like, no one

Speaker 3 regardless.

Speaker 3 I mean, none of my devils are. Devil's Playground.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Devil's Workshop. Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's where we come to play. Idle, unemployed hands.
What was the joke? Was it the Emmys with the Golden Globes? Like, God shout out, zero.

Speaker 3 You know, moms, five. Mario Lopez, one or other.
Nikki Glaze. Oh, yeah, yeah.
It was so good. And then I went to three different junior highs.
Why? Left San Jose, beginning of sixth grade. Okay.

Speaker 3 Started a new junior high in San Diego. And then a new one opened up for eighth grade.
So like half the school went and then half was all these other kids.

Speaker 3 And did you land on your feet at all these places? Yeah. I think my brother had a harder time.
He moved in eighth grade. So that was harder for him.
For me, I was still sixth grade, so it was fine.

Speaker 3 Had some church friends that were going to these schools, so that kind of helped with friendship and all that stuff. And then I met my crew of dudes in eighth grade.
Jeremy Dent, big shout out.

Speaker 3 Okay, huge. In eighth grade, he introduced me to cigars and shooting BB guns to Playboys and go-karts.
And I was like, this guy is just the coolest.

Speaker 3 And him and Matt Rucas were like best friends and opened my eyes to all that stuff. He sounded radical.
Oh, and was he the most popular kid in your junior high? Jeremy? Yeah. Yeah, probably.

Speaker 3 The funniest. Didn't give a shit.
Always wore weird stuff. Divorced parents? No.
Oh, wow.

Speaker 3 Good family. Happily married.
Susie and Steve.

Speaker 3 And Rucas was the guy who's like, Rucas is jumping bearcat today. Everyone, let's go.
He's jumping his BMX bike doing flips and stuff. He was like that guy.
So I was not cool in elementary school.

Speaker 3 I was too big, couldn't read, was a bully. And then similarly, I got enveloped into this Andrew and Trevor group of kids who played soccer.
They had pretty good families.

Speaker 3 Trevor was the most popular kid in my school. We became friends.
That was really helpful. I leave elementary school.
I hadn't tasted being cool yet. And junior high is my first mega dose.

Speaker 3 Well, I remember you guys saying like junior high is kind of it, right? Was it eighth grade or seventh grade or seventh? Seventh. Seventh grade.

Speaker 3 By eighth grade, we're now starting to move in separate directions.

Speaker 3 It was a long year.

Speaker 3 What do you mean? You guys did?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 What was that? You just hung out with a different crew or what? Yeah, I started appealing away. He started huffing gas.
Okay. He's like huffing gas a lot of the day.

Speaker 3 We hung out with the burnouts in our school, but he's now hanging out with the dudes that are like 17 that hang around the junior high kids. Oh, sure.
There's a lot of them in the jail.

Speaker 3 Or we would go out and there were all these levels I was comfortable with. Like I would throw apples at cars.
I was fine with that. But if we went, we smashed someone's mailbox.
I hated it.

Speaker 3 I was picturing my mom fixing our mailbox.

Speaker 3 I had all these ethical dilemmas where the bad boys really started getting bad or like stealing shit. I didn't want to fucking go to Juvie.
These guys are going to end up in Juvie.

Speaker 3 Is that a fair assessment?

Speaker 3 Definitely.

Speaker 3 He almost looked forward to it or i did but i don't know how much of that was to the danger you look forward to the thrill of that or what it's like a badge of honor right sure like i'd smash people's picture windows of course not knowing what damage that is until i'm older but um yeah yeah stealing stealing cars stealing anything they stole it you didn't but billy did

Speaker 3 there's one

Speaker 3 So there's one kid

Speaker 3 at the epicenter.

Speaker 3 You've heard us talk about our redhead thing. How Aaron and I are obsessed with how tough redheads are and how scared we are of them.

Speaker 3 A lot of this is based on this one kid, Billy. We'll leave his last name out of it.
God, we're the last enemy we would want on earth. Oh, God.

Speaker 3 I'm sure he's still tough. Is he a redhead fella? I'd be a sitting dunk in Michigan.

Speaker 3 He comes knocking. Yes, he was a redheaded fella, and he was also known to cry while he fought, but he always won.

Speaker 3 And he, at one point, fought another redhead kid at my old junior high, and it was the scariest fight I ever saw. They were both bawling and both bloody, and neither would quit.

Speaker 3 And I just oh my god, I ever think, man, I don't want to fight either of these guys ever.

Speaker 3 But he and Billy became real close. And Billy had already stole a very valuable coin collection and drove a van and got caught in another state.

Speaker 3 They stole four-wheelers, but at one point, he stole a horse. Some sort of like million-dollar razor,

Speaker 3 which I'm sure he was told.

Speaker 3 Rest assured, there's no million-dollar razors in Michigan.

Speaker 3 But everyone thinks everyone's so rich. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Oh my god. You picture like a 14-year-old boy riding a horse.

Speaker 3 He rode it like that in a Florida. That sounds fucking awesome.
Oh, my God. He's like, you got to keep the horse now.
How do you fence a horse? Who are you going to find that's going to buy the horse?

Speaker 3 It's just pretty tough to hide your money.

Speaker 3 I'm going to ride it, Bearback. Clean it.
Clean up the shit. Oh, God.
I would imagine he just put it in a field or something and hoped no one saw it.

Speaker 3 I went through a little bit of a stealing phase, nothing like horses or ATVs or whatever, but I got my CD CD book stolen out of my car. You know, the mixed CDs.

Speaker 3 You work so hard for your collection, and I was so fucking pissed. So we would just walk around Cottonwood, the neighborhood, and just like check.

Speaker 3 We would never break anything, but if it was open, it's gone. We'd go into garages, take some shit.
Funny you'd say that. That's where it started, is car hopping.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 You guys will call it car hopping. Yeah, yeah.
They would meet before school to car hop. My thing was like we'd hang out at the movie theater and I'd go in and steal a cart of cigarettes.

Speaker 3 Like I'd steal from a store. Yeah, yeah.
It's just weird. You have levels you're finding.

Speaker 3 yeah you don't care if you're stealing from the man from that company sm p so the guys who like started that or co-founded or whatever would have a sale out front of their house every year and they set up shop that night before and i drove by my home like boys it's all out there yeah we took my buddy jeremy's vw bus and my mom's explorer

Speaker 3 loaded that loaded it up we did a couple trips oh geez the next morning my dad's like trying on clothes like this is great what'd you

Speaker 3 our friends whatever

Speaker 3 and then my buddies went back the next day because they didn't get the box of board shorts they wanted. Yeah.
And they saw them and they caught.

Speaker 3 So the cops came and they scared us and they didn't press charges. Did you feel guilty too?

Speaker 3 Yeah, well, because they're like, this is our family's business. This is how I feel.
And all the kids are there and stuff. It's just like, sorry.

Speaker 3 And they had like the coolest surf shop in San Diego or in East County.

Speaker 3 I feel bad. Yeah, that stuff.
I did feel guilty too. And I wish I would have not gone that route.

Speaker 3 I think I was too upset with with my home life that I couldn't emotionally figure out how to keep having fun like we were having without everything piling up.

Speaker 3 That's the reason I started huffing gas and trying to escape because I thought people doing that didn't feel guilt at all. And I was kind of jealous of that.
Oh,

Speaker 3 that is a big one. One on the hook, really.
That's going to be. That's a big one.
That's going to be the last one, too.

Speaker 3 Do you relate to this, Aaron? I did bad things, but part of it was I've now realized that I'm older. I'm like, how did I justify the stuff I did? And I think I felt because life was already unjust.

Speaker 3 It wasn't fair. So I was entitled to make it fair.
And I would imagine from you in particular, you didn't have anything. And there's also this sense of like, this is bullshit.

Speaker 3 All these other people have all this stuff and I don't, why wouldn't I have it? And this other kid I go to school have it.

Speaker 3 There's some sense of injustice that I used to justify what I was greedy and did bad things. Absolutely.
But then it doesn't really work. Treat it politeness.
Oh, there it is. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Then you find out karma's a real thing. Yeah.
Also, my dad, he gave me very few life tips, but one was what goes around comes around. He's like, if you feel shit'll get stolen from you.

Speaker 3 And I remember that being an actual motivator for me to knock. I remember you asked me in junior high if I would feel bad if I killed a deer because like everyone hunted and like killed deer.

Speaker 3 And I remember saying to you, no, I could do that. I could kill a deer.
And I remember thinking in my head, you're the biggest liar liar in the world.

Speaker 3 I would never kill a fucking deer.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Fucking baby deer.

Speaker 3 Sitting there having a

Speaker 3 that was me trying to like

Speaker 3 make myself tougher than I was.

Speaker 3 So we're going for some ramen now. There's a double.
Oh, we got a double. Yeah.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Sorry, I was just thinking in the two seconds I was gone. So it went from your popularity at the church didn't translate at first in school, but then it did.
I would say in high school it did.

Speaker 3 In sixth grade, new to that school in San Diego, I got with this group of dudes who were the cool guys. And I'll never forget the weird kid, Evan parent.
We love you, Evan. You were a little weird.

Speaker 3 And we love Evan.

Speaker 3 I made up for it in high school, but we kind of chased him and throw him punches. And he wasn't even fighting back.
But I was just like, oh, this is what we're doing. And I still feel guilty about it.

Speaker 3 And he left school that day. Like he ran home.

Speaker 3 And then once we got to high school, I got to stick up for him a few times, which was great. But he was always so cool.
And just in sixth grade, he was just a little different.

Speaker 3 And I was doing that to fit in because I was, I was new. I'm like, oh, this is what the cool guys are doing.
Okay, we're chasing this guy. Sure.

Speaker 3 Now, it's really hard to get through teenage boy adolescents without doing some real regrettable. Oh, it's so regrettable.

Speaker 3 You know, he's so smart. I'm sure he like runs some company now.
Oh, please, a billionaire. Yeah.

Speaker 3 But, Aaron, did you have waves of cool in elementary school? Yes, I did. Kind of like the church, our neighborhood was a place where I felt safe.
And actually, no wait, I take that back.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's not the word I was. That's not the word.

Speaker 3 Not safe. Actually, it was the opposite of safe.
What am I talking about?

Speaker 3 Sorry, did I say safe? Sounds very unsafe. What's wrong with me?

Speaker 3 I was able to be comfortable with just maybe a small group of kids and we thought we were cool, but then it didn't translate into school until fifth grade when I met Kevin Gwynn.

Speaker 3 That's why Dax came and looked me up when he got to my school. You knew Kevin? I was best friends with Kevin in sixth grade.
I had moved, started junior high, so a new influx of kids.

Speaker 3 And then there was another skateboarder who liked to fight, who had a crazy mom, and we got along great. Yeah, trailer park kid.
I was like best friends with them in fifth grade.

Speaker 3 Dax didn't go to the school we went to in elementary. He was so cool and made me feel so cool.
And I like to fight kids behind the wall or whatever the fuck was going on at school.

Speaker 3 Then funny enough, the following year, I moved to a new school. I'm just fucking terrified and don't know anyone.
And I'm like,

Speaker 3 very out of sorts. And like, you know what? I give up.
I can't even take it anymore. And that's when Dax found me.
I was like, how did this happen?

Speaker 3 That is crazy. year to year it was different I took over from where Kevin was yeah and all of a sudden Dax was like I'm like this kid is the coolest person I've ever seen in my life

Speaker 3 even cooler than Kevin

Speaker 3 no no one is cooler than Kevin

Speaker 3 I've done a few road trips you know I drive but you guys times a thousand the body starts to hurt though when you sit so long like that or do you just get used to it mine gets more and more comfortable just you gotta just soak and sink into that the longer you go okay

Speaker 3 I don't don't know if there's anything I was more built to do in life than drive for a really long time. It seems like the only thing I can do kind of in a one percentile.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 I can just go and go and go forever. It's so funny.
I got to get out and do a backflip every couple hours. Yeah, famously, Aaron went to sleep in Salt Lake City, Utah, in the middle of a blizzard.

Speaker 3 And he woke up in Michigan. Like 30 hours later.
Yeah. No way.

Speaker 3 And I was just driving the Mustang in like six inches of snow. I was so tired when I woke up, dude.

Speaker 3 you were like oh good we're almost home i guess i'm crawling to bed was it assisted sleeping or was it just straight no old-fashioned sleeping

Speaker 3 that was maybe in the only six months we drank normally if you could even i don't think it was ever normal what's normal is that after five o'clock yeah just we were off slow

Speaker 3 shit face no that's what i'm saying we started off really going hard but maybe the frequency wasn't right and it wasn't like oh that's required to have any other kind of fun. Step one is get beer.

Speaker 3 Whenever that happens, you forget that you can have fun without beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So isn't that six months before? I was going to say that happened fast.

Speaker 3 This is so good. Yes, it's so much more fun.
When did you guys first get drunk? How old? Together? No, this was another one of our issues by eighth grade. Eighth grade.
Is that I didn't.

Speaker 3 Oh, I wasn't ever going to drink because my dad was an alcoholic. That was my plan.
And Aaron was drinking and then starting to do drugs.

Speaker 3 That was starting the separation. Yeah, yeah.
That was towards the end of eighth grade. So Aaron was at eighth grade? Yeah, it was eighth grade.
I guess mine was ninth grade. Las Vegas.
In Vegas.

Speaker 3 In Vegas. Wait, how did that happen? You must have been with your family.
I went to Thanksgiving with my buddy Brett Hilcher's family, which was a big deal. My parents did not want me to go.

Speaker 3 I'm like, I have to go. Yes.
And then they had a hotel room and the mom was out. They were gambling and liquor in the room.
Yeah. We took it out on the strip and we're drinking.

Speaker 3 We're in the valley's fountains and we were having a blast. Those early ones are about as I almost text you two nights ago.

Speaker 3 I bet once a month, I just think back of the time we went to opening day and drank those Colt 45, 64 ounces of 12. 64.

Speaker 3 And we had a few of them.

Speaker 3 I still remember that as being like one of the greatest buzzes of my whole life. Me too.

Speaker 3 I've told that story so many times and I don't even know what the story, I mean, Yeah, I do know what the story is, but I don't know how much was true at this point. Sure.
Well, we

Speaker 3 that was the day we had bought Dan Severin, or who we thought was Dan Severin, but that wasn't even the most memorable, just sitting on the floor.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's hard to explain that.

Speaker 3 And most people, when I start that story, when I say 64 ounces, they're like, You mean 40s? I'm like, No, 64s, yeah, they were little, they were jugs, yeah, they were little

Speaker 3 glass handles on them.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but Ryan, so in junior high, does it start kind of then and it rolls through? Yeah, so eighth grade, me and a couple dudes hit our growth spurts. I was, we're gonna say say six feet tall okay

Speaker 3 we're gonna go ahead and stick with that

Speaker 3 same as me yeah so we were kind of big and like you i would be the one guy on the dance floor at the dances like all the other guys just

Speaker 3 and i'd be dancing out there and so freshman year i ran for president because that's what you do and i got to be president of the freshman class

Speaker 3 and my buddy jeremy his sister and her friends were juniors and they were so cool and beautiful. And so they kind of like got us in to like the cool cool crowd.

Speaker 3 My freshman year though, I became best friends with my brother-in-law now, Jason. Yeah.
And he was a senior.

Speaker 3 And he didn't have many friends, but we became best friends. Yeah, because he was super artsy.

Speaker 3 Musical theater. He introduced me to all that stuff, which was awesome.
It changed my life, really. But I kind of left my friends a little bit because we would hang out so much.

Speaker 3 I mean, he could drive. We would go places.
You ditched your friends for Jason. A little bit.
Yeah. Well, at least they felt that way.
And I kind of did. Yeah, sure.

Speaker 3 So when he graduated, my friends were like, oh, you're coming back to hang. You know, when we started football again, I'm like, I'm back.
And they made it hard on you for two days.

Speaker 3 For then, maybe a day. Then we were back.

Speaker 3 I mean, I was silly and outgoing, and I was in like the ensemble, which is like dancing choir, but I also played football and I was also in student body, but my grades were terrible.

Speaker 3 So by my senior year, I got kicked out of everything. Okay, but you were also cheerleaning, but you called it something else? It was an all-star squad.
Okay. So it's like club cheer.

Speaker 3 You don't cheer for a football team. You just cheer for yourselves, I guess.

Speaker 3 MP, you throw someone in the air.

Speaker 3 but that was just my senior year so i would do football and cheer and you were the captain of both there was four captains on the team i was one of the captains okay amazing

Speaker 3 amazing it is i in retrospect like mine which was not popular in elementary school so popular in junior high

Speaker 3 i loved it

Speaker 3 What about high school? I kind of became popular. Yeah, sure.
God, I loved it. I got away with murder.
Oh, it's just everyone was excited to see.

Speaker 3 Yeah, everyone wanted to see what you're going to do next. Yes.

Speaker 3 It was so fun. And I was thinking, because my daughter went to like a party with other kids her age.

Speaker 3 I was just remembering that this is when, this is so gross to say, but kind of the legend of Erin and I started

Speaker 3 was going to this girl Brandy's birthday party. This is when it all started.
And we were there and we just were always so comfortable with each other.

Speaker 3 So we were spitting our hot dogs in each other's mouths.

Speaker 3 And the girls were like, oh my god

Speaker 3 they're so gross but they loved it and then maybe we kissed even in front of them

Speaker 3 like love just all the stuff you weren't supposed to do as a boy oh that's the best and those parties were really what kind of started the whole thing i was just picturing my daughter i know leave the house and i'm like she could return a completely different person like if she comes unpopular we're on a totally different trajectory now that is for sure dude it's a trip because my girls are just a tiny bit older than yours i told you i picked them up my oldest from a high school party the other day and it's like yeah just a trip man i mean there's no booze i don't think that we know of that we know of all right what one am i taking aaron oh sorry what food item michelle yeah my bad yeah the other one is not michelle not even close i guess i want one isn't the thing i just wanted to see i just want to get these sushi out of the cupy fish out of my face i gotta know did you interact with the person or do you just draw that was leave at door

Speaker 3 pretty much everyone's leave at door okay because we're kind of telling on ourselves for our bad deeds. So I want to go back to my transition from bully to being friends with the popular kids.

Speaker 3 There was an exact moment, which is I would go out to the playground with my friend Clay, and he was the other tough kid in my class. He was a redhead.

Speaker 3 He and I had a gnarly fight one time when I was staying at his house when my mom was out of town. I missed her, and we fought, and he scratched my nose up so bad.
I had scabs all over my nose.

Speaker 3 Oh, geez. He scratched.
He was wild. He's feral.
No rules. No rules.
He's redheads. No.
But at any rate, we would go out to the playground for recess and we would just start wrestling kids.

Speaker 3 And we played this game top of the mountain. You had to throw each other down.
That's all we did.

Speaker 3 I was like a mid-level bully in that I felt fine about like getting kids in headlocks, throwing them on the ground. And I also felt fine about punching kids in the stomach.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 But I never punched anyone in the face. And everyone wanted to wrestle.
They probably didn't want to, but they had to.

Speaker 3 Stay tuned for more Mom's Car.

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Speaker 3 All to say, there was this boy when I first moved to Highland to my neighborhood, and I was brand new there.

Speaker 3 I didn't know anyone, and he was the first to kind of ride his bike up to my yard and ask if I wanted to come over.

Speaker 3 So I went to his house and he was very sweet, but he had like a coin collection and he had wallpaper of old cars on his wall. Not cool cars, but old-timey cars.

Speaker 3 He loved old trains and coin collections and he talked about his grandpa all the time.

Speaker 3 He's such a good job. And he was enormous too.
He was like a big boy like me.

Speaker 3 Anyways, I had been friendly with him when I first moved there and then I definitely outgrew him really quick, which is sad and I felt guilty about it. But somehow he wanted to get in the mix.

Speaker 3 I'll never forget. I punched him in the stomach in the parking lot of Spring Mills.
Parking lot.

Speaker 3 For some reason once in a while you'd have recess in the parking lot because it was too muddy or some shit i don't know why we were in the parking lot but i punched him in the stomach and it knocked the wind out of him oh

Speaker 3 he got really really scared and he fell down and he was crying and i felt so

Speaker 3 bad and then i told clay

Speaker 3 i don't want to fight at recess anymore i don't think anyone likes this i think they're just scared of us and he was like yeah go on your way i'm gonna stick with this and god bless him he stuck with it wow And then I had to go get this other group of friends, which I'm glad I did.

Speaker 3 But I was driven there by feeling really terrible. Well, good for you.

Speaker 3 I like that story. I did too.
I love the ending. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I mean, I can see him so clearly laying on the asphalt. It was right by a manhole cover, crying and scared that he had just been killed.
Oh, you know what the first time you get the winner?

Speaker 3 You see your eyes. You're never going to breathe again.
You're dead. You're like drowning.
This boy just killed me at school. I felt those coins flash before his eyes.

Speaker 3 That's grandpa.

Speaker 3 Okay, so I was saying, though, that I do like my trajectory, which is like not popular at all, then super popular in junior high.

Speaker 3 But then when I moved to a whole new school district to move in with my dad in ninth grade, started high school in a place I didn't know anyone. And I had two really brutal years.

Speaker 3 I had a terrible haircut. I had acne.
I got super skinny and tall. I didn't have the right clothes.
I did spend two years just thinking, well, that was my only taste of it. Yeah.

Speaker 3 And then then when it came back to me around 11th grade, I kind of caught up. I was so grateful to be back.
Oh, yeah. I thought it wasn't ever going to happen again.

Speaker 3 And then slowly I started kind of working again. Never in the same way it did junior high, but definitely by senior year, I was one of the cooler kids to Mike.
Did you guys have senior superlatives?

Speaker 3 Is that what it's called? Yeah. We did in junior high, too.
We did have mock elections and we were super into them then. And I think I did get classic home, but I never got my yearbook.

Speaker 3 That's how much I didn't like. like you never got your yearbook those are so fun i never got a yearbook in high school only our junior high ones which we look at now

Speaker 3 yeah my girls look through my high school one they read everything i'm like don't read the stuff but that's your sweet spot right is high school apex i think so yeah yeah let's just say that the family you married into the whole gang's in love with you right you start by going on a date with your now wife's older sister

Speaker 3 your best friends with the oldest brother yeah and then you start dating amy yeah i guess I was pretty popular in high school, but also the most popular? No. Are you sure? Yeah.
Come on.

Speaker 3 I was a jokester. So I think some people probably thought I was a jerk.
Okay, sure. I'm going to be honest about that.
But I think it was just joking. Sure.

Speaker 3 Good natured joking around.

Speaker 3 But I think you can't take a joke. But I think for the most part, I was okay.
Yeah, because you're a very sweet boy, but sometimes rascally. Yeah, a little bit of a rascally.

Speaker 3 You push the boundaries for sure. And I was in ASB, which is associated student body, just so I could get the off-campus pass, which was everything.

Speaker 3 So you could write yourself a pass to go get whatever supplies for the dance, but really go get burritos for everyone. Oh, wow.
Oh, that was the best. What a blessing.

Speaker 3 Did you have a car in high school? Yeah. Bronco 2.

Speaker 3 That's a great car for you in high school. It was pretty cute.
My brother and I shared it for a while, and then he got a little truck, and then I had the Bronco 2.

Speaker 3 After that, I think my dad's old Honda cord, which I had for a few years. And how were you juggling?

Speaker 3 being deeply Christian, but also knowing that you were crazy about all these girls and that that was going to be challenging.

Speaker 3 I guess what I'm asking is, were you like riddled with shame a lot of the time that you felt this way towards girls and stuff?

Speaker 3 Yeah, there was some shame for sure, but also at that time, I was just kind of away from it and then kind of found it again, my own kind of faith once I got out of high school and really started dating Amy.

Speaker 3 Well, I dated her in high school. Once it wasn't mandatory, right? So yeah, I would definitely struggle with that.
And there was a lot of shame around sex and masturbation and all that.

Speaker 3 How about even being really popular? Is that cool? Or is there any issue there? As far as my faith and being popular? Well, just like, I don't know, it's not very humble to joy attention and

Speaker 3 that's all good. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay, great. You didn't have any kind of.
No, I don't think there's any. Yeah, you can shine as bright as you want.
Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I'm with it.

Speaker 3 Bring more folks in. Obviously, that works.
I brought so many kids one time to high school youth group because the more people you bring, the more tickets you get in the raffle. And I won.

Speaker 3 Because I brought so many kids. Okay.
A BMW 2002. Wait, what? It was junky.
My dad didn't know what to do with it. I didn't know how to drive stick.

Speaker 3 We all learned how to drive stick on it around our neighborhood. It was,

Speaker 3 oh, my dad sold it for like $200. He just got rid of it.
I didn't even know. I was so mad at him.
Wow. I know.
I think it was 15. We didn't have our license yet, but I want a car.
You want a car?

Speaker 3 But it was like a piece of money. How many kids had you brought? I probably brought 15 kids.
How many stuck around? Did you hear? None of them. None of them.

Speaker 3 Not your problem. Not my problem.

Speaker 3 You did my job. I did my job.
You don't got to close the deal. You're just in the middle of my crown.
11th grade two. I was so happy to run into you again.
Yeah, yeah. Was it Padam? No.

Speaker 3 Or just, I heard you were in Padam. Yeah, it was the Palmer Drug Abuse Program.
Oh, God. It was outpatient.
It was like an AA for kids. Yeah, pretty much.
Oh, wow. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Is that nationwide or is that like a local meeting? No, it was local. Okay.
As far as I know. I think it was nationwide.
Originally they had an expert on that was talking about. The hell do I know?

Speaker 3 I was local.

Speaker 3 But I was always... A, my dad made me go to AA meetings while he lived with them.
That was the only rule I had. Well, and in fact, I didn't have to go to AA.
He wanted me to go to Al-A-N-On.

Speaker 3 But when I went to Al-Anon, I didn't really relate to anything they were saying. But when I was around alcoholics, I'm like, oh, I kind of relate to these people.
So I just would go to those meetings.

Speaker 3 And I didn't drink and everyone drank. So I found myself at Palmer at one point, I guess in ninth grade.
So I had been there before Aaron had. And then Aaron was there for legitimate reasons.

Speaker 3 I had a court order to be there. Oh, wow.
And then somehow, I think through that, we started hanging out.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we saw each other, I think, at Country Boy Restaurant, and it had been a long, long time. Yeah, yeah.
Which is like decades when you're that age.

Speaker 3 And then it was like slowly off to the races again. Yes, from 11th grade on.
Same high school. No.
Different high schools. No, we had different high schools.
Were they like rival high schools?

Speaker 3 No. Well, tell me your high school experience.

Speaker 3 Well, I was expelled from high school in 10th grade. We got to add, too, this is the heartbreaking thing for me on the outside was that Aaron was such an insanely good baseball player.

Speaker 3 And the only upside of him going to high school is going to be like, oh, he was finally going to get to play in high school, which would then lead to everything else.

Speaker 3 And then, yeah, I think I heard through the grapevine that Aaron was done with traditional high school in 10th grade.

Speaker 3 I'm going to take a non-traditional route

Speaker 3 to the major.

Speaker 3 So, yeah, how long were you kicked out before you found out about Duck Lake? What was it called? Oh, it was called Duck Lake then. Duck Lake? Duck Lake High.

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 3 It was an alternative education. Ours was called Chaparral.
Oh, Chaparral. Gnarly Kids Month.
And this one was in a really tiny, deserted elementary school. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 So it's like the gym was really small. Oh, my God.
Everything was

Speaker 3 tiny.

Speaker 3 And all the guys there were in their 30s.

Speaker 3 Totally. All the guys were big drinkers.
They all smoked cigarettes in class. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 They smoke there.

Speaker 3 That was fun. Oh, my God.
And there were guys who had like plumbing vans in the driveway.

Speaker 3 Tradesmen were going to school with Aaron. Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 I took Dex never believed any of the stories I told him. And he's like, I don't believe it.
And I was like, yeah, this one guy is 22 and he's got cowboy boots.

Speaker 3 He's a real good volleyball player.

Speaker 3 we would go in the baby gym and play volleyball

Speaker 3 this school was really just an assemblage of all the toughest kids from all of the districts combined it's the scariest place you could possibly

Speaker 3 teachers were bodybuilders because they had to try to keep everyone in line

Speaker 3 wasn't for the did it ever get tricky was there crazy fights because there were crazy fights

Speaker 3 yeah there was crazy fights i brought dax to school one day to check it out.

Speaker 3 You know, it's funny is you could do a guest pass for a school, but I think generally they gave those out because someone would be thinking about going to that school. Is this Charlie's old gym?

Speaker 3 This is Magnus. Charlie's gym's right there.
This is that Porsche guy right here. Oh, boy, what if I was delivering to him? I'm pretty sure it's that one.

Speaker 3 He's right there. He's waiting.

Speaker 3 Three guys delivering the food. Three men with cameras.
Can't be too safe nowadays.

Speaker 3 But Aaron used to get out of that school early. Of course, they couldn't expect those kids to be in school more than six hours or

Speaker 3 no, it was, I think, 8 to 11.30 or something.

Speaker 3 It was coming out. It was half of what a normal day would be.
So nice. Yeah, just long enough to have four or five cigarettes.

Speaker 3 Get

Speaker 3 drinking and get to the job site. In class, or was it

Speaker 3 a smoke break? Yeah. There was a smoking room.
Smoking room.

Speaker 3 Oh, I was hitting those darts on the set this last month and Charles, oh, so bum. Because your character smells.
Well, one of the guys

Speaker 3 who always have it. I'm like, let me have my look.
Oh, it's so nice. You're so lucky.
Oh, it's so fun. You have such a loose grip with addictive stuff.

Speaker 3 Well, I didn't buy a vape this trip, which was a big deal for you because I think I'd be on that for a month. I got cigarettes instead.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Those are easier to put down than to vape. Well, because they smell so bad.
You can vape anywhere. Yeah, you can get away.
Also, if you come in the house and you've had some darts. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Your kids are so bad. Oh, yeah.
And your kids are on high alert for all things. Especially one of them.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 It's really funny that you spend like the first third of your life hiding everything from your parents and then the next you spend a third hiding your life from your kids. Totally.

Speaker 3 I mean, my dad, we grew up, there's zero alcohol in the house. He was a man of the cloth, so you couldn't drink.
But I remember one time like, hey, Dad, he was doing yard work on a Saturday.

Speaker 3 Can I sip some of your mountain dew in this styrofoam cup? He's like, no, no, you can't have that. So he goes out and does the weeds and I take a sip.
I'm like, this is disgusting.

Speaker 3 It was definitely like a little white wine or something. So he was having a little

Speaker 3 snaking it. Good for Brad.
He deserved it. Yeah.
Oh, you know what? This should tie into this. You might have to edit it out, but maybe not.
Okay. I wrote this just for Ryan.

Speaker 3 Did you know where the vagina was the first time you were with a girl? Great question. My first time, I thought she only had a butt.

Speaker 3 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 3 Let me hear your first time, Aaron. Elementary school, this was first time doing the anatomy.
So this was Melissa. I dug this hole in my yard.

Speaker 3 I turned it into what I thought was going to be my fort, but it was kind of just a hole that took way too long to dig, like weeks. And I would cover it up with sticks and stuff.

Speaker 3 So no one knew about it. I found this deck of cards and some magazines that I put on the dirt inside there.
Decoration. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 So it was like naked girls on the cards, and um, which it was just huge bushes, you know,

Speaker 3 which of course didn't help at all trying to find the vagina. So we're in the bush, yeah.
And then when they don't have a bush, which this girl did not, because we were children,

Speaker 3 so we were like kissing

Speaker 3 in a garage or something. No, in the hole.
Yeah, in the hole. That's it.
That was horrible. Yeah.

Speaker 3 To entertain.

Speaker 3 So we got naked.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God. What grade is this? Probably like fourth.

Speaker 3 Fourth grade.

Speaker 3 Naked and all.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God. I never thought we'll do this.

Speaker 3 No, I didn't.

Speaker 3 So we were in the hole.

Speaker 3 There was nothing going on. No one was horny.
No one was.

Speaker 3 You're not committed to doing that. Yeah.
So she was like touching my tiny bald pecker.

Speaker 3 I feel like I'm going to go to jail for talking about that.

Speaker 3 But I was eight or whatever. It's hard to know who the victim is in this story, really.

Speaker 3 So anyway, I was looking for the vagina and I was like, so her belly button. I'm like, well, that's not it.

Speaker 3 Then I was like, or is it?

Speaker 3 So I was like rubbing her stomach. And yeah, I was kind of like, I guess this is it.
You gave up. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I thought, well, the only thing left is her butt.
Yep. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I'm so happy it ended there. This is wonderful.
That was my exact experience too, but I was newly at Muir.

Speaker 3 Sixth grade, and this really popular seventh grader liked me. I guess we were going together.
We went to the Milford Cinema. And then afterwards, you'd go to Deanna's and hang out.

Speaker 3 And she's like, let's go behind the garage. And so we're behind the garage and I had been up someone's shirt at that point and I'd made out a lot, but that was it.

Speaker 3 And then in the middle of it, she said,

Speaker 3 I love getting fingered.

Speaker 3 Which again, this is where we grew up. Like, I've not, I've yet to meet a girl this aggressively sexual since.
And I met a few of them at that period, Aaron as well.

Speaker 3 I'm like, oh, right, she wants me to do that. No problem.
And I put my hand on her pants and I was going down and down. And I'm like, okay,

Speaker 3 this is where my penis would be. There's hair.
And then, yeah, starting to panic and going, well, the next thing would be her butthole.

Speaker 3 She doesn't have a vagina. Where the fuck is it? Why isn't it right there? And I'm pushing probably on her mom's cubic

Speaker 3 ton looking for the penis.

Speaker 3 And then she goes, have you never done this before?

Speaker 3 And I just panicked and like pot committed. I just slammed my head deeper in there.
Found it. I'm gonna fucking touch her butthole, and that's gonna be that.

Speaker 3 And then I found it. Oh man, oh my gosh.
Yeah, it was like nine inches lower than I was expecting. Totally.

Speaker 3 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 3 I thought the first three girls I was with only had butts.

Speaker 3 We started asking girls before, well, do you have a vagina? Because my last few days. I haven't, but

Speaker 3 I came to masturbation in the weirdest way. It's back at the original junior high, sixth grade, and I'm with this dirt bag, who I rarely hung out with, but we're walking down the road for hours.

Speaker 3 And I don't know why he says randomly, like, yeah, all those underwear models are gay. He doesn't say that, but worse.

Speaker 3 They all have Vaseline stains on their underwear from whacking off. This is a sentence I hear, right?

Speaker 3 And I'm like, I don't really think a ton of it then, other than, oh, it's gay. You're right.
It's gay and underwear, whatever.

Speaker 3 And then maybe three weeks later, I'm at my dad's house on the weekend and I'm like rifling through his dresser like I did every time I visited.

Speaker 3 Like, as soon as he went to the bar, I would like to check out everything he had.

Speaker 3 And I just found this fucking enormous jug of Vaseline.

Speaker 3 I could hear him in my head saying, like, the gays, change, just jack it off. And then I was like, I just rub it on your petas.

Speaker 3 And I remember sitting on my dad's bed with a fucking huge jar of thick Vaseline

Speaker 3 and rubbing it. And it is confusing, doesn't feel like anything.
And then all of a sudden, it starts feeling insane. Sure.
And I think I'm losing my sight, maybe.

Speaker 3 And I stop midway, I panic, and then I put the Vaseline away and everything. Over the next week, I kept thinking, wait, was that actually like about to feel great? Like, I started looking

Speaker 3 whether or not, and I was like, I gotta, next time I'm at my dad's, I'm gonna pursue that again.

Speaker 3 And sure enough, he went to the bar and I ran upstairs and counted all of his money and then got the Vaseline out

Speaker 3 and then saw it through. And then you're just, you're completely down to the race.
Yeah, it just doesn't seem like that. And all your underwear stained.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you're one of those gay models that he has.

Speaker 3 Those gorgeous gay models. And then

Speaker 3 what's so weird is like, there was no religion in my house, really, to speak of, but I felt so guilty. I was constantly trying to quit.
I remember, like, if I used my mom's lotion, I felt perverted.

Speaker 3 Right. It's like if I went and got some of her

Speaker 3 intensive care, feels like your mom's Vaseline-intensive care. Like, oh my God, I'm going to hell.
I used my mother's sweet, wholesome lotion for this.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I think I always pretty much felt guilty after it for sure. Do you remember when you started, Aaron?

Speaker 3 Well, unwillingly took part in some of that nonsense right around that same time I was digging the hole and all that. They came back to bite me with that very safe neighborhood I was in.

Speaker 3 That's so safe. Yeah, so I was being taught that unwillingly.
Yeah. Buying all the groceries.
Yeah, but the first time. This probably sure, sixth grade.

Speaker 3 I still remember my very first sexual feeling, but it wasn't for humans. I was like in fifth grade and I was asleep and I woke up with a boner, which I think was the first time I remember doing that.

Speaker 3 And in my dream, I had been humping this rock.

Speaker 3 that was on my way to school that was on my walk that i saw all this time sexy ass rock yeah i had like a sex dream about this rock oh my gosh and And for the next year that I walked to school before I changed school, I'd always look at that rock on the corner and just be like waiting for some spark to hit me and then kind of wanting to hump it, but knowing you can't possibly do that at eight in the morning.

Speaker 3 Oh my gosh. But I do, I always like lock eyes with this rock every day.

Speaker 3 And I just didn't know what that ended up feeling was. Just like I feel the urge to grind on that rock.
Did you ever grind on the rock?

Speaker 3 i didn't need it was it too big to like take home oh my god it was a boulder i was like someone had it as like landscape artwork

Speaker 3 oh my god that is so funny dude

Speaker 3 well it's actually

Speaker 3 boulder those early things they led to one of the craziest stories i have which is around that time also i'm watching the movie real genius with val kilmer and at one point he's making fun of like the nerd in the school that they hate his name's clark maybe or something no No, it's Kent.

Speaker 3 And he's like, Kent, what were you doing when we found you naked with that bowl of jello?

Speaker 3 And I just remember hearing that and thinking, like, oh, yeah, that would feel really good, wouldn't it? I was just like introduced to that notion from that movie.

Speaker 3 It was just floating around in my head for, I guess, eight years. And then I moved to Santa Monica.
I'm 21 and I'm at Save On

Speaker 3 the store. And I see that there's like five boxes of Jello for a dollar.
And I'm like, oh, it's fucking perfect. I live by myself.

Speaker 3 I've always been thinking about it. And I'm going to love it.
So I'm going to buy five boxes, which I did. And then I came home and I made the jello.

Speaker 3 And I thought it was just jello immediately because I had never made it.

Speaker 3 I ate jello. Got to let it set.
So I'm just waiting. I'm sitting in my lazy boy while it's cooling in the fridge and I'm so horriby.

Speaker 3 I feel like I could maybe spray before I even. Oh my gosh.
Yeah. So I got it out early.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 But it had taken enough shape and it was in a pint glass and I put my dick in it and it just immediately turned to Kool-Aid. Like it was such a waste of everything.

Speaker 3 Like I was probably a couple hours into this fantasy by the time I stick it in there.

Speaker 3 I'm standing in my kitchen because you can't really lay down and fuck the jello

Speaker 3 because it would just pour on you. So I'm like trying to fuck it in my kitchen.
It's just red dye spilling all over the floor. I'm like totally bummed with the whole thing.

Speaker 3 I throw it in the sink, jerk off traditional style. Then the next morning I wake up and I go pee and I have like a rash on my dick.

Speaker 3 But because I'm 21, I'm always convinced I have an STD. Yeah.
So I'm like, oh, the dye stuck to an STD that I didn't know I had. And it's a rash.
It's not the dye. I just,

Speaker 3 I don't know what it is. I decide I have a rash.
Yeah. no, I think it is a rash.
I don't know. I have an STD.
I know that. Yeah.
Because it just showed me. And so I have no insurance or anything.

Speaker 3 So I look up in the phone book, LA Free Clinic. And I go, and I know you already know the end of the story, but I go in there.

Speaker 3 And I'm so embarrassed. And I don't know really how I'm going to explain the jello part of this.
And then I decide I'm going to act like me and my girlfriend were experimenting. Totally.

Speaker 3 That's the move. So I check in and then I'm behind a sheet.
and this doctor comes in she's maybe three years older than me she's so young and she's so pretty

Speaker 3 and I'm like oh my god and she's like so what's going on and I go well I think I um I might have something I my girlfriend and I were experimenting with jell-o and oral sex

Speaker 3 and she's like kind of

Speaker 3 not she didn't laugh but she like likes the setup to this and then she goes okay well let's see what we got going on pull your pants down and she gets now down and she's like down at my crotch and she looks up at me and she goes what flavor was it

Speaker 3 and i go

Speaker 3 strawberry and she goes raspberry is my favorite oh

Speaker 3 good

Speaker 3 i got a hundred percent erect like is i'm 21. it's like a two by four

Speaker 3 dead hard

Speaker 3 right in front front of her face. Oh my gosh.
And she like looks and she like pushes it to the side and this side and she goes, yeah, this is nothing.

Speaker 3 You're just a little irritated from the die, but you don't, you don't have to. I'm getting all worked up.

Speaker 3 Oh, my gosh, dude. Did you apologize when you got

Speaker 3 to do that? What do you do? You just stand there. And then I'm telling myself, too, like, why would she have said that other than she is flirting with me? I don't know.
My favorite's raspberry. Oh,

Speaker 3 I think I've seen that pourneau.

Speaker 3 Okay, now the funny end punchline to that story is a year and a half later, I meet Brie, fall in love, Brie moves in, and like probably 10 times she offers after dinner, you want me to make some of that jello?

Speaker 3 Because it's just four boxes are sitting in there. And I said no a bunch of times.
And then she goes, you never want this jello. Why do you even have it? And I go, I go, I hate jello.
Okay.

Speaker 3 I don't like jello. I bought it because I wanted to fuck it because of this movie.
And I just like came clean.

Speaker 3 And then she was laughing

Speaker 3 so hard.

Speaker 3 So good. That was basically a sex style.

Speaker 3 Oh, my gosh. Oh, well, Ryan, I love you.
I love you guys. That was so nice.
It's just nice to drive around. Did you record anything? Who cares?

Speaker 3 Who gives a shit?