Armchair Anonymous: Children's Party

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Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous.
I'm Buck Rogers and I'm joined by Gene Lightyear. Today is children's birthday parties run amok.
Well, you know, these children, they're wild. They're terrible.
And you just don't know what's going to happen. Although a lot of these stories, the parents are terrible.
You know, it bounces back and forth nicely. Please enjoy Crazy Birthday Party Stories.
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All episodes streaming April 4th on Hulu. We are supported by Ring.
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Learn more at ring.com. Can you hear us? Yes, I can hear you.
Can you hear me? Yeah. I don't know if anyone's ever sounded better.
I like the setup. It looks profesh.
This is one of those huge blankets. Do you remember those ads on Instagram a couple years ago? I didn't get targeted, but I'm surprised.
Me neither. Like, how big are we talking? Would it cover the whole floor of a bedroom? Huge.
I got it from my husband for Valentine's Day. It's like four blankets in one.
Oh, wonderful. Like 20 by 20 maybe or something.
Yeah. And where are you? I'm in West Orange, New Jersey.
It's like right outside New York City. That's my first time hearing West Orange.
Me too. You'll be happy to know, Monica.
I can't say anything about the geography of it. I'm just learning of it.
You can do whatever you want with your geography. Okay, Justin, you have a crazy children's birthday party story.
I do. But first, because if I forget, she'll kill me.
My best friend, Gia, turned me on to you guys. Shout out, Gia.
She's a day one arm cherry, obsessed. Then during quarantine lockdown, I got into it and I fell in love, obviously, too.
And then Monica, I started listening when you were doing your egg retrieval. My husband and I were going through the process as well to have our daughter, which we had her.
She's here. Oh, congratulations.
Thank you. But it was so helpful just to hear your experience with the egg retrieval.
Because not just women who are doing it, but families like ours who kind of could naturally, just to hear every detail of what you went through was really, really helpful. Thank you.
Then looking you up, I was like, she looks really familiar to me and I couldn't figure

it out.

And I lived in LA for 10 years.

Oh.

Soul cycle.

I used to bartend at the Abbey for four years and I was like, did I maybe make her a drink

at some point?

I think I've been to the Abbey once.

So maybe you'd have a great memory.

You must have been fucking slain bartending at the Abbey.

Were you just living your greatest life?

Yes.

It was good that I got out.

But this story, this was 2003.

I had just graduated from Mason Gross, which is the acting conservatory at Rutgers.

So I was 23.

I just moved to New York City.

I was living in Astoria, Queens in this little closet that was a bedroom. And I was waiting tables at hard rock cafe.
Oh yes. Great.
I got a job there. I thought it would be cool.
And they were like, you need New York experience to work here. So I lied.
And so it was a Saturday night, super crazy, busy. A lot of tourists come through.
So the tips kind of suck. You're working with a constant feeling of rage.
And I get sat with a birthday party. So it's the mom, the dad, and about eight 10 year old girls.
Oh, wow. So I approach the table and I'm like, let me get this drink order.
And via the drink order, I learned a few things. First is that this is a family of privilege.
I mean, a Hard Rock Cafe birthday. Yeah, that's's fancy.
That's a pricey, yeah, you're spending $600, $700 for those little girls to have dinner. Nachos.
They brought these kids into the city for a night and they want to impress the parents of these other little girls. The birthday girls got like full beat hair done.
So I'm taking their drink orders. They're all like, milkshake.
They're talking down to me. The mom's like, these are the only Chardonnays you have.
And I'm like, well, Ken Bell Jackson's our top. And she's like, I guess that'll do.
The dad's like, beer, keep it coming. I'm like, he'll be on my side tonight.
I come back and I'm like, let's get the appetizers. Now in our pre-shift meeting, every shift they sit us down and they're like, you must upsell, you must sell souvenir glasses.
They threaten us to get good shifts and good sections. So I'm offering the jumbo combo, which is like the biggest appetizer.
It's this big thing in the middle of spring rolls, all the things around it. You know, so I'm like that and the nachos.
I'm pushing all the best shit. And they're like, yeah.
Order comes up and I'm in the back getting ready and it's busy. The waiter's all running around and I'm like, I only have two hands.
We're supposed to put on a separate plate the guacamole and the salsa with a little napkin underneath. But I'm like, fuck it.
I'm not doing that. I put the salsa on the side, guacamole on the other side, got the jumbo combo and the nachos.
And I come out to the table, put down the jumbo combo, and then I'm going to put down the nachos and I clear more space for them. And I'm like, I swear I put the salsa there with the guacamole.
So I'm about to look at them and say, I'll be right back with your salsa. Meanwhile, I have like four other tables and I look at them and they're all just wide eyed, mouths dropped open.
So I follow their eyeline to the birthday girl who's seated right beneath me and the ramekin of salsa is on top of the head. Oh, it's actually on her head.
Like a hat. Like a hat.
Oh, boy. So I dropped the nachos.
I grabbed the ramekin with one hand. I scooped the salsa with my other hand and I bolted.
Oh, wow. Okay.
And so I ran up to my friend in the back and I said, I just dropped the salsa on the fucking birthday girl's head. So I grabbed the little beverage naps that I was supposed to put on the plate.

I run out there.

The mom is standing up, picking onion chunks.

Oh, boy.

And I come up.

I'm scared to death, this mother.

And I approach and I say, here's some napkins.

And she slowly turns to me and says, could you bring a clean, wet towel?

Yeah, that feels fair.

In her defense, that probably was what was needed. These tiny nats, they're not going to do anything.
I'm 23. I'm panicked.
I run to the back. I see my manager.
I'm like, I dropped the sauce on the birthday girl's head. Can you get a clean, wet towel? He gets it.
I ring in the dinner. The rest of the meal goes off without a hitch.
The birthday girl has stopped crying. They're laughing.
Beautiful sight. The mom's drunk.
The dad's drunk, looking at the rock and roll memorabilia. Now I'm feeling the spirit.
I'm like, this is a great party. I'm going to make this up the road.
So at the Hard Rock, we're supposed to do a big birthday announcement. They want us to scream, get everyone's attention, make it rock and roll.
I hated doing these things. I'd always pay the kid with the mohawk five bucks to do it for me.
Which is ironic because you're in pursuit of performing. These are these weird contradictions we have, right? But it felt below you.
Yeah. I went to Mason Grove School of the Arts.
Exactly. But this birthday I was doing it.
So I went to the back and I told the dessert woman, I was like, make this good, extra whipped cream. And so this was in a large margarita glass, plastic.
What a restaurant. I want to go so bad.
I want all this. I don't care how bad I feel the next day.
So it's a big brownie on the bottom, three scoops of vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup, caramel, whipped cream, cherry on top. I put the candle on top.
I take it. I march out there.
All their eyes light up. I'm like, get up.
She's like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm like, get out of your seat.
I pull her up myself. Oh, wow.
Okay. I pull her chair up.
I'm like, get up on your chair. She's like, oh my God, no.
I'm like, get up on the chair. She gets up on the chair.
Get the fuck on the chair, birthday girl. This is what they made us do.
So I light the candle. I hand her the sundae and I turn around, I face the restaurant and I yell, attention Hard Rock Cafe! They want us to do like, how's everyone doing tonight? Oh, God.
Show you crowd participation. Don't forget to check out the merch.
We got to get rid of some of these hats. Oh, fuck.
Double dip. Attention Hard Rock Cafe, this is whatever her name is, birthday tonight.
I want everyone on the count of three to say happy birthday. And there's a collective gasp.
Again. And I was like, oh my God, no.
So I slowly turn around and she's on her back. The chair is tipped backwards.
The sundae's on her chest. It looks like it exploded everywhere.
She's screaming, crying. All the girls are jumping up.
The mother's looking at me like, you're fucking dead. Yeah, you're literally the worst server ever.
I look at the dad and he's trying so hard not to laugh. Okay, good.
He's blasted enough. He's seeing the humor in it.
I, again, run away. I hope to get a wet towel this time.
I go in the back. I find my manager and I say, can you please bring a clean wet towel? So I go out there trying to avoid eye contact, hoping they're cleaned up and someone's taking care of the check.
And I feel a tap, tap, tap. And I turn around, it's the dad.
And he slips me 220s. And he gives me a little nod.
And so I said, well, I ruined her birthday, but I guess I made his night. Wow.
He's surrounded by all these little girls and this woman. And then he saw another man enter and have the same terrible luck he has.
He's like, I know, brother. I know what it's like to disappoint these gals.
I do it daily. Here's 40 bucks.
That was really nice of him. And it's not like I was doing these things on purpose.
Right. It's not your fault.
She's got terrible balance. It is your fault that you made her stand up on that chair, though.
Well, I don't think the chair was the issue as much as do not hand her something that weighs a third of much as her body mass and put her in a precarious. It's one or the other.
Either have her hold the dessert or get her up on the chair, but not both, I think. These are the lessons we learn in life.
You came out really unscathed, I gotta say. Did mom sign the tip on the master bill? Did you get a pretty shit tip aside from the 40? What I do remember is that parties of six or more, they would include the tip.
And that one, my manager was like, we're not including the tip. I'm surprised the meal wasn't free.
He probably comps the jumbo combo. Maybe that dessert that almost gave her a concussion.
Thank God the fucking thing was in a plastic. I know.
Yeah, if you were to look down, there was blood everywhere. You could be telling a much different story.
Exactly. Time that you murdered a 10-year-old at her birthday party.
Different prompt. Exactly.
Thank you for that story.

Yes, thank you, Justin.

Thank you for having me.

Can I go yell at my husband

and bring him in here?

Yes, of course.

Hi, what's your name?

Mark.

Are you from the UK?

I'm British.

Oh.

Who is this cutie pie?

He also has a bit of a weird accent

because she's raised by the two of us.

Yes.

She's half Jersey, half British. This is Larson Jean.
Hi. Hey, Monica.
Hey, Monica. Oh, hi, Monica.
Hi. Hi.
Well, you guys, congrats on this beautiful family. Thank you.
All right. Be well.
Thanks for having me. Bye.
All right. Bye.
Nothing here than hearing your name from a little baby. Noah said it the other day and it was so cute.
He said manca? Yeah. Does he say monica or does he say manca? No, no, no.
It takes them a long, long time to get that middle syllable. That's a hard one.
Because my kids did manca a bit. Manca and mamama.
Mamama. That was Delta.
Mama Ma. I wish this was a fact check so I could tell you Delta's most recent story.
I'll say in a nutshell, the errands are in town. She's not been around the three of us.
She's just meeting Tyrell for the first time. I'm going to put her in bed last night.
And she goes, Dad, do you think Tyrell ever feels left out? And I said, oh, that's such a beautiful instinct to worry about that. But I don't think so.
We've been all really great friends for 35 years. And I think he's maybe a little shyer.
And she goes, okay, did you ask him that? Are you assuming that? And I go, fuck, I'm assuming it. Do you want to go ask him? And she goes, yeah, let's go talk to him.
So we went downstairs and the errands were downstairs watching TV. And we said, Tyrell, can we ask you a question? And then we got this question out.
And he was like, oh, my God, thanks for worrying about that. I have a relationship with each of them individually.
And then when they're together, this new person emerges. And I just enjoy watching.
And I'm glad I don't have to talk. So he just, like, walked through the whole thing.
I was like, oh, thank God I assumed correctly. But she was right.
I never asked him, but I assumed that was the case. Oh, she's always looking out.
She's so empathetic. She is.
You know, I take her for her birthday. Yeah, to the reckless unicorn.
And Target. The year before that, we had lumped in Christmas and her birthday.
And so Lincoln, we all went. This year, we didn't do that.
And so I took her. And then on the way home, she said, do you take Lincoln on a shopping spree for her birthday? And I was like, well, no, I don't.
Something that we just started for me and you. But maybe I should start doing that.
And she was like, yeah. Instead of just being like, I get this special thing.
Like I would do. She's very rare.
I know. But it makes me think then I need to give you a shopping spree every day.
Like you deserve so many shopping sprees. Right, right.
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Hello. Oh, a car.
Wonderful. You're in a vehicle.
Monica, I am so sorry. I'm not in the closet.

No, you sound great. I worked for my car and I tried so hard to find a street that was extra

quiet. And for whatever reason today, it's like the Audubon.
No, you're fine. What job are you

running out of your vehicle? I'm so interested. I am in wine sales.
There we go. So I have a

I'm trying to get I am in wine sales. There we go.
So I have a trunk full of wine. I work for a distributor and I travel from account to account and sample them online and then bring home whatever doesn't get tasted.
Oh my. Monica's backup dream job.
I missed out. Wow.
You thought you had your dream job, but you don't. I guess I don't.
It's a wonderful gig. I will not lie.
What state are you in? Actually, hold on. I'm going to guess space.
Nothing more than there are two buildings behind you that are clapboard and they look like they're from the 1800s. So I'm going New England.
I'm starting in New England. Are you in New England? Old England? Yeah.
original England. That's you are correct.
I am actually in Rhode Island. In Rhode Island.
Wow, I don't think we get many Rhode Islanders. This is exciting.
Did you appreciate that one? That was fun. That's just a building in the background.
Because that blue door felt very London to me. It's the yellow and red house in the deep BG.
That's a giveaway. Wow.
I'm actually right now pretty much on the Brown University campus because Brown takes up most of Providence. So I'm on a really beautiful street that is just all old houses that a lot of students live in.
If you run into any hot professors, send them my way. I will send them your way.
I was going to tell you I had a bone thick with you about Rhode Island having little brother energy. Oh, there you go.
It's about time. Let it rip.
I've been really working on this for a while. I wonder if I've ever had the opportunity to say it.
Let's hear it. I deserve to be taken down a peg.
I'm going to go about it in a very nice way. Rhode Island is an incredible state.
Born here, raised here. I've moved away.
I most recently moved back from Austin, Texas. Rhode Island is very, very special.
There's more coastline here. It's sunny.
So give it a chance.

I will. From what I'm seeing, it looks beautiful.
I mean, little brothers are beautiful.

Okay, you have a crazy birthday party story. I do.
My story takes place in 2005. It was my 12th birthday party.
Fun fact, my birthday is on Halloween, which means that every year I get to have cake candy and I get to dress up and I get to do something Halloween related. And it's really wonderful.
This year in 2005, my family was actually in the middle of a mood. So my stepdad had built my family a house that was gorgeous.
And it looks like a big old red barn from the outside. So when you walk in the ceiling shot up 27 feet and the second floor started in the middle of the house.
So if you were on the second floor, you could yell down to the first floor and have a conversation. So the acoustics were crazy in the house.
However, around this time, my mom decided she wanted to move. She wanted to live on a real farm.
We had found a farm. We moved out of our old house, but we hadn't closed the deal yet.
So we still own the house. There was no furniture in it.
So I decided for my birthday this year that I wanted to take all of my friends, a group of nine, 11 year olds up to Salem, Mass. Salem, Massachusetts is known particularly around Halloween time because it's where the Salem witch trials took place.
During Halloween, there's haunted houses and mock witch trials and wax museums and ghost tours and all of this fun stuff. Something that I loved at 11, probably not my group of friends' idea of fun at the time, especially when they were about two hours away from home and not with their parents anywhere.
I was very lucky. My friends agreed.
They all came. But then we had a sleepover afterwards back at my old house, which was entirely empty with the exception of a television.
All of my friends brought sleeping bags with them. It's a little creepy.
There were some really funky features in the house that my stepdad had built in. He put an old confessional from a church in the house that was used as a coat closet.
Oh, cool. Interesting.
My mom had a giant wrought iron gate that was the entrance to her office area. So just something really funky.
When you get back from a haunted night of things and you're 11 years old in a vacant pitchfack house, it's things that can freak you out a little. So it's about 10 o'clock at night.
All the girls are starting to go to sleep. I fall asleep very quickly.
I have a tendency to do that. My mom decided to go sleep in a back bedroom in a sleeping bag while all the girls slept in a sleeping bag in the front area of the house.
Everyone's falling asleep. About two girls were left awake.
So now it's like three o'clock in the morning and they're just having fun. And all of a sudden they hear thunder, which was really weird because there was no rain or nothing happening in the forecast that would call for thunder.
So they didn't think anything of it. Then the thunder starts to get a little bit louder.
Then they start to hear creaking floorboards. And they're like, that's really strange because there's nobody in the house other than us.
And nobody's upstairs because the creaking floorboards were coming from upstairs. Then they start to hear very loud footsteps.
At this point in time, they start to lose their minds. They run to get my mom, who is six months pregnant at the time.
Oh, Jesus. So they run to get my mom, they wake her up and they're like, Dina, Dina, there's something happening.
We're hearing these noise. And my mom's like, you know what? Go back to sleep.
You guys got freaked out. We went and did all this haunted stuff.
So they go back and a few minutes goes by and they're hearing more. Then it evolves and they start hearing chains rattle.
Then they start hearing little kids singing. So at this point, both of them are absolutely in hysterics.
So they go back and they get my mom and they shake her. As my mom sits up, she kind of starts to hear what's going on.
So she comes into the main area of the house. The other girls start to wake up.
The sounds are continuing.

Now they're hearing wolves.

Then they're hearing a woman singing, children!

What the fuck?

You can possibly think of. Oh my god.

My mom is hearing all of this

as well. My mom is in a panic.

All the girls are crying. My friend

Jenna's down on her knees saying her

our father. One girl pees her pants.
It's just utter chaos. So this goes on for about 15 minutes.
I'm sleeping through this entire thing. My mom grabs her Nokia phone and calls my stepdad and is rushing to tell him what's going on.
And he can't breathe. He's laughing so hard.
Okay. So she's like, what is going on? Do you know what's happening? Do you not hear me? By the time he can finally breathe again, he tells her that he rigged a tape in the upstairs closet of the house to go off at 3.30 in the morning.
That was all Halloween sounds because he wanted to play a prank on all of the girls. Oh, he did.
Oh, my God. He did this on purpose.
He's a rascal. this house he built is so weird and now this and where he placed it was in the hall upstairs so the acoustics of the house were in a way that because it was in the hall closet the whole house echoed with the noise oh scary so needless to say i had a lot of friends that were not allowed to hang out with me for a very long time.

Oh, no.

My stepdad had to come and pick up one girl to bring her home at four o'clock in the morning because she was inconsolable.

Yeah, how are they going to go back to sleep after this?

Even if it's explained to me at that age, I then go, well, this family is crazy.

I don't want to be here.

Ghosts are no ghosts. These folks are nuts.
It was absolute mayhem. And the kicker is that his original plan was there are big glass windows in the house.
He was going to have our neighbor come with a bloody mask and a chainsaw and bang on the window. Oh, my God.
He thought it was your 16th birthday party, not your – he got a little confused on your age.

Yeah, he got overly excited.

Oh, I hate to say little brother energy, but that reeks a little –

Oh, no.

You think it reeks a little –

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

Oh, how fun.

That's definitely big brother energy.

No, it's very – it's over the top.

You know what to fuck with?

Oh, it's too –

It's over the top.

Monica doesn't know it.

She has a very fluid definition

of Big Brother energy.

Okay, we'll take whatever comes our way.

No, he sounds fun.

Thank you guys so much. I really

appreciate the opportunity.

Allie, you're delightful.

And I'm so jealous of where you're at. I want a

trip to Rhode Island. I do too.
I want to be

proven wrong. Come check it out.

And Monica, I just want to tell you, I listened to Race

to 35 all during my pregnancy.

The episodes were coming out every week and

Thank you. trip to Rhode Island.
I do too. I want to be proven wrong.
Come check it out. And Monica, I just want to tell you, I listened to Race to 35 all during my pregnancy.
The episodes were coming out every week and it actually inspired me to re-download 23andMe and I had not checked it in years. Within a 48 hour period of time, my family found out that my mom had a brother and he lives in Rhode Island.
He has daughters my age. We are now incredibly close with them, spend holidays with them.
Wow. It wouldn't have been without Race for 35 for downloading it again and checking into it.
Oh my gosh. That's two in a row, girl.
Thank you. I'm so glad.
Thank you very much. All right.
Nice meeting you. Bye.
Bye. Hi, Taylor.
How are you? Hello. I'm good.
How are you? Dax signed your shirtac signed your shirt and bfa w what grocery store were you at i was at sprouts in nashville oh okay our last stop yes and you met my little baby yes we met so many babies on that i know i saw a little baby tour the only thing you were robbed of not that you would have given a shit but that was the only stop we made that we weren't driving the bus. I drove around the parking lot to see if the bus was there and was a little sad, but you know, it's fine.
Yeah, that's fair. I had parked it in the barn and I didn't want to deal with trying to find parking for it.
Were you someone who got a picture that Lincoln took? No, but I got to meet Ruthie. We love Ruthie..
Shout out. Shout out Ruthie.
Okay, so you have a crazy birthday party story? I do. It was March 1st, 2003.
It's in Nashville, where I currently am at. Can I stop you? We've heard three stories and they've all been 20 years ago or 22 years ago.
It's very interesting. I was seven.
I was going to my very first ice skating rink birthday party. Super nervous, super excited.
And it was towards the end of Open Skate, right before we were about to get off the ice for cake and presents. I was going to show my mom how good I had gotten at ice skating.
I had picked one of my friend's moms. Her name's Betsy.
And we were skating around the rink. And it felt like we were going lightning speed.
And all of a sudden I fall and we were holding hands at the time, fall kind of in front of her. And because we're going lightning speed, she can't stop.
So she runs over my fingers. Stop.
Also, I'm going to add seven years old is pretty young for skating. Tell that to Michelle Kwan.
Well, I won't because she's so good. But imagine Khaleesi skating right now.
It's not like anyone's super agile yet. You have to start young if you want to be good.
I will say most of us were gymnasts. So there's a little more agility there.
Sure. Standard deviation above.
I didn't know this had happened because I am high on life. I'm the best ice skater that there is at this point.
You didn't feel it because you were in shock, probably. Yeah.
We go to the bathroom and my mom starts trying to wash my hands to kind of see the cut. That's when I noticed, obviously, the blood.
And I was like, let's not do this anymore because it's just pouring more blood out of my hand. She's like, okay.
So she grabs my hand again really tight, lifts it up above the heart, and takes it to the counter with a bunch of teenagers asking for the first aid kit. They do their best.
They wrap it up really tightly. Thankfully, the hospital was only about five minutes down the road.
So they get me back and they stitch me up. And my mom likes to tell everybody that I always said, no more numbing medicine.
Just get the stitches in me because the numbing medicine hurts far worse than the stitches do. Yes, I've had a lot of stitches in my life and none of the cuts hurt, but man, when they swirl around that needle to get it to swell up so they can get the sutures in, that is murder.
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for healthier hair. Nutrafol.com, spelt N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L.com promo code dax that's neutrafol.com promo code dax thankfully other than my skin being cut no ligaments or tendons were damaged oh i was very fearful your little seven-year-old fingers

were going to be on the ring.

Me too.

And just laying there and someone would have to collect them.

Luckily, they're already on ice.

That's helpful.

But then another few skaters come by

and they chop it up even smaller, right?

It started as half a finger now as thirds.

Then you start puzzling it together.

Well, the fingernail goes on the end.

It's a real Frankenstein situation.

I have the fingernail.

They'll start there.

A finger puree on the ice. Oh.
I can't believe you still have your fingers. And she felt terrible.
Can you imagine? No, running over a little child's fingers with ice skates on. I would be more panicked than the kid.
Every time we go ice skating now, anytime someone falls, I immediately clutch my own hands. Yeah.
Have you done a lot of ice skating since then? More in my adult years. It took me probably about seven years after that before I went ice skating again.
Ended up falling and falling on my head. Oh.
Then it took another several years before I got back on the ice. Yeah, I don't think it's for you.
Might not be your sport. Yeah.
Did you ever get fucked up in gymnastics? I broke something. That was my career-ending injury, but it wasn't that bad.
It was just a fractured ankle. I was already phasing out.
You knew you weren't going to that next level. Oh, no.
I'm a C-plus gymnast at best. Okay.
Monty, did you ever break anything? No. I ripped my hamstring.
That's the worst thing that's happened. But not a full sever, like a tear? I wasn't allowed to go to the doctor because I had to compete and they would have said I can't.
But I heard it rip. It was really bad.
But no breaks. I think I'd rather have a broken bone than a ripped hammy.
I agree. Well, Taylor, it's nice to see you again.
It's nice to see you again. It's nice to meet you, Monica.
Yes, so nice to meet you. Can I give a shout out to my friend? Yes, of course.
Claire. We started working together a couple years ago, and she recognized this sweatshirt, and she goes, are you an arm cherry? And I said, I sure am.
And it kick-started our friendship. That's our dream.
We love the community. Yeah, our dream is that people see each other in the wild and then become friends.
Yeah, I love that. Is she so cool like you? She is the coolest.
All orange cherries are. All right, we'll give her our love and great seeing you.
Thank you. All right, take care.
Bye. Hi.
Is this Ariana? It is. This is a big year for my name.
Oh, it sure is. Oh, that's right.
Is that a common name growing up or no? No, my parents picked it out of a book they got at a garage sale. Oh, wow.
Probably an outdated baby names book. Yes, definitely.
I've seen the book. It's falling apart.
Oh, I thought they found a book at a garage sale and the character's name like yours. Right.
I went straight to baby naming, but outdated because it's at a garage sale. Yeah, I think that's the way to do it.
Where did you grow up? Northern New Jersey. I'm in upstate New York now.
Which is better? That's hard. Better bagels in New Jersey.
Oh, you're going to start a beef. A bagel brawl.
New York City bagels are better, but upstate bagels don't really exist. They're bunk.
Interesting. What's the vibe where you're at? Is it rural? I live about 25 minutes south of Saratoga Springs, if you've ever been.
Haven't been, but I know this is where all the people vacationed in the Gilded Age. The camps were there and stuff.
Actually, the Gilded Age is filmed near me. Oh, it is.
Oh, fun. Okay, so you have a crazy birthday party story.
Yes. So I should start by saying I am like a type A kind of mom.
My friends are always like, why do you go so hard? You're making us look bad. So I always have made my kids birthday invitations.
I have two daughters, eight and five. And I'll put a silly little photo of them with some graphic.
So last year was my daughter's eighth birthday and eight. I'm sure you know, Dax, they're starting to get a little sassy and have their own personality.
And she wanted her party at the bowling alley. We're big kids now, no parents to hang out by us.
I made the invitation and I'm also a little at this point exhausted from RSVP etiquette not existing anymore. No one wants to chase down the parents in the classroom that you don't actually know, like, are you coming or are you not? So I decided to do an Evite, which I've never used Evite before this time, but I had received them.
So I sign up for Evite. I upload the invitation that I made.
And I'm also weird about importing contacts. I have old bosses in my phone, like people I don't want to text.
So here I am manually uploading each number and I put them in. I send the invite out.
I start getting some RSVPs. I'm like, OK, that went great.
The next day, I at the time was working in corporate radio. My life, though, because I was corporate, was all day on camera in meetings.
Can't pick up my phone. And I see someone's calling me a number I don't know.
So definitely not picking up. I ignore it.
Then they call again. I ignore it.
I'm in a meeting at the time. So I've ignored two calls.
I see they left a voicemail. Then I see I get a text, the same number.
And I can't look at my phone, but I can glance. And all I see is officer da da da.
Oh, so at this point, I tell the people in my meeting, I'm so sorry. I just have to pick this up quick.
Some officer keeps calling me. But I made the mistake of just muting my sound and not my camera.
Uh-oh. I pick up and he says, this is parole officer such and such.
I'm calling because I need you to confirm that you intended to send an invitation to one of my parolees. Oh, no.
One of the kids' parents in school. That's where my head went first.
Like one of the moms or dads. Yeah.
Let's be honest. The moms.
I'm sure that's whose numbers you had. That's more exciting to think one of the moms is an ex-con than the dads.
Yeah, what'd they do? So I'm still on camera, but I turn to go to my other screen and I pop open Evite and I ask him for the number. He thinks I texted.
And then I see it. I put a six instead of a seven on the end.
So then I ask, who did I text? Are they coming to my party? And the officer tells me that I texted one of the most violent, vicious child sex offenders. Oh my God.
Oh my God. So this was a typo.
This is his dream fucking invite to a kid's birthday party. And he's like, I was invited.
Yes. A bowling alley, there's alcohol.
Oh my God. This is like the dream scenario.
He hit the jackpot. Oh my.
Yeah. So at this point I start crying.
I am a mess. And I just raced to to hang up my meeting and I just figured I'd tell them later what happened.
I go into a panic asking all the questions, saying all the things you just said. First of all, the number that called is my area code.
So this officer was in my area code, which means that this person lives about two hours drive away, which is drivable to come to my party. The next place my mind went was the invitation, which I did send you a copy.
My gorgeous daughter's on it. Oh, no.
Okay, time for me to take. Oh, boy.
Okay. Yep.
It's Zoe's eighth birthday. And Zoe's being very sassy in the photo.
She's so cute. She's got hands on hips.
If I were this violent pedophile, even I would be smart enough to go, this feels like entrapment. Clearly the government's running a sting on me.
I'm worried about her picture mostly. Yes.
I didn't send you the town we live in, but it was on it. And when you open the invite, it has date, time, address, like my phone number, my email.
Yeah, you're inviting this monster into your world. Thank God though though, it wasn't a party you were throwing at your house.
That's true. Where your mind went, Dax, though, is actually what happened.
So the officer told me that the reason he even found out about this is that the parolee did believe it was a sting. Of course.
No way. Well, look, you're a convicted fucking offender and you get this sassy invite to an eight-year-old's birthday.
This is entrapment. Okay, but if he did go, would he be in trouble since he was invited? That's a great question.
I'm sure he's not allowed to be within X amount of feet of a school and a playground, but I don't know about a bowling alley or a birthday party. So I did get some more details on the man because at this

point I'm spinning out of control. The officer's trying to calm me down, but also he's an officer,

so he can't just be like, no, everything's fine. He tells me that truly he committed so many crimes

in four or five states to the point where he's about an 80 something year old man. He has lived

most of his life in prison. Oh, wow.
And he's at the end of his day, so he's ready to get back out

Thank you. To the point where he's about an 80-something-year-old man.
He has lived most of his life in prison. Oh, wow.

And he's at the end of his day, so he's ready to get back out there.

I don't.

Well, this is a bigger and dicier question.

Okay, I'm curious because we often hear rape's not a crime of sex.

It's a crime of control.

I don't know what mentally is going on with the pedophilia world.

But you would imagine as someone's sexual desire declines with age as happens, does that all go away or is it still such a mental sickness? Good question. Is it even related to your sexuality? I don't know.
We'd have to ask this gentleman. Well, I shouldn't call him a gentleman.
If there's anyone we cannot call him a gentleman. I've never heard an officer talk this way, but he started saying, I don't believe in punishment, but I believe this man deserves punishment.
Like, it's disgusting what he's done. And then he gave me his name and a photo.
He encouraged me to look up what he had done. Oh, my God.
It was bad. And you did.
You went down the rabbit hole of his crimes? Very hard. I stand by the decision to give you the photo because you've got to keep your eyes peeled at the party.
Yes. And this officer was a little funny.
He said to me, I don't think you have to worry because of his age. He can't really drive.
He can't really see that well. He does have an ankle monitor.
He's not allowed to leave his house. But make no mistake, if you do find yourself in a room with him, you are in grave danger.
Oh, my God. Wow.
He's kind of the jinx-y. Yeah, Bob Dursey.
Yeah. And you think like, he's 80.
It's fine, but it's not fine. Apparently, he doesn't even really understand phones because he was in prison so long.
So he actually never saw the photo of my daughter, but he did see the words, you're invited to Zoe's eighth birthday party. This is a fucking bizarre turn of events.
This is. It really is.
The officer offered, because he could sense he was not going to put me at ease, to geolocate the person the day of the party. I was like, can you just send a whole troop here to the bowling alley? But then realized that might be much.
I hang up with him. That's the plan.
Text him day up. But then I face this super serious moral dilemma

of do I tell the parents who are coming to the party?

Listen, I don't think so.

Did you?

For the most part, no.

So they'll hear it on this podcast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's no reason to unleash all this fear among them.

Is it going to help make the situation safer?

No.

No, it's going to ruin my daughter's party. They might even not bring their kids.
There's already a cop involved. Did you consider moving the location? Yes, but I would have had a lot of questions.
And again, RSVPs were already hard to get. I did tell the friend of mine whose number I messed up.
I was like, this is how important it is to be careful when you write your phone number. And she laughed.
But day of the party came and I woke up and I said, officer, blah, blah, blah. I texted, I would like you to geolocate.
Thank you. And about 25 minutes later, he wrote back and said, I have located him.
He is at his residence. Have a great party, exclamation point.
Oh my God. Wow.
That's a great, also cautionary tale. I want your friend now to receive a text intended for him.
That's what's exciting. Oh, interesting.
If it's one number off, she should keep her eyes peeled for some suspicious meetups. True.
She could save the day. She could be double agent.
Yeah. She could alert the police.
Wow. Well, Ariana, I'm really sad I missed this party because it does look like a blast.

Was it a great party?

You know, I wasn't allowed to really talk to her.

Sure.

It's just cool.

I think she had a good time.

This year, even, she's turning nine next month, and she just said she doesn't want a party.

She just wants to chill with three friends.

Oh, cool.

Smoke a little weed.

Pop on Netflix.

Well, thank you so much for sharing that.

Thank you so much. sharing that thank you so much

I've been listening

since the first episode

this is the most exciting

thing that ever happened

oh wonderful

thank you for sticking with us

yes of course

alright take care

bye

oh pedophiles

that's a bummer

we have pedophiles

it really is a bummer

with all the fucking

peculiar human

I know

antics

that one is like

oh fuck

it really is

and I feel bad for them

Thank you. It really is a bummer.
With all the fucking peculiar human antics, that one is like, oh, fuck. It really is.
And I feel bad for them. I do, too.
What a fucking terrible experience on planet Earth. Happy birthday, everybody.
It's your birthday happy. Happy birthday.
Do you have a crazy birthday story? I had a really fun fondue party for my sweet 16. Oh, you did? Oh, that's nice.
That was nice. The only one I remember is I got to go to McDonald's once, and I got to invite like three kids from my neighborhood.
And I invited Betsy Goodwin, who I had a crush on. And I got some present.
My mom would remember the details more because she really didn't like her after this. And she said she would marry me if I gave her one of my presents.
And I. And then she didn't marry you? No, we got married and we're divorced.
Oh, well then it seems like she did the right thing. She stuck to her promise.
I used to be a real patsy. A putz.
Well, you really swung in the other direction. I really did.
Okay. Alright.
Goodbye. Love you.
Bye. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song.
Oh. Okay, great.
We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions.
On the flyer, Rindish. On the flyer, dish, on the flyer rhyme dish.

Enjoy.

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