Armchair Anonymous: Children's Party

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Speaker 1 Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Buck Rogers, and I'm joined by Gene Lightyear.
Today is Children's Birthday Parties Run Amok.

Speaker 2 Well, you know, these children, they're wild. They're terrible.

Speaker 1 And you just don't know what's gonna happen although a lot of these stories the parents are terrible you know this kill good bounces back and forth nicely please enjoy crazy birthday party stories

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Speaker 1 Or not checking that your laptop camera's off before joining the meeting in your robe.

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Speaker 1 Hard times, come and go.

Speaker 1 Good times,

Speaker 1 take them slow.

Speaker 1 My life,

Speaker 1 I had them all.

Speaker 1 But one thing,

Speaker 1 you gotta know,

Speaker 1 I'ma keep on shining.

Speaker 1 Can you hear us? Yes, I can hear you. Can you hear me? Oh, I don't know if anyone's ever sounded better.

Speaker 2 I like the setup. It looks profesh.

Speaker 3 This is one of those huge blankets. Do you remember those ads on Instagram a couple years ago?

Speaker 2 I didn't get targeted, but I'm not sure.

Speaker 1 Like me either. Like, how big are we talking? Would it cover the whole floor of a bedroom?

Speaker 3 Huge. I got it from my husband for Valentine's Day.
It's like four blankets in one.

Speaker 1 Oh, wonderful. Like 20 by 20, maybe or something.
Yeah. And where are you?

Speaker 3 I'm in West Orange, New Jersey. It's like right outside New York City.

Speaker 1 That's my first time hearing West Orange. Me too.
You'll be happy to know, Monica. I can't say anything about the geography of it.
I'm just learning about it.

Speaker 1 You can do whatever you want with your geography.

Speaker 3 Okay, Justin, justin you have a crazy children's birthday party story i do but first because if i forget she'll kill me my best friend gia turned me on to you guys shut up she's a day one armchair obsessed then during quarantine lockdown i got into it and i fell in love obviously too and then monica i started listening when you were doing your egg retrieval my husband and i were going through the process as well to have our daughter which we had her she's here oh congratulations thank you but it was so helpful just to hear your experience with the egg retrieval because not just women who are doing it, but families like ours who kind of could naturally just to hear every detail of what you went through was really, really helpful.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 3 Then looking you up, I was like, she looks really familiar to me and I couldn't figure it out. And I lived in LA for 10 years.
Oh.

Speaker 1 Soul cycle?

Speaker 3 I used to bartend at the Abbey for four years. And I was like, did I maybe make her a drink at some point?

Speaker 2 I think I've been to the Abbey once. So maybe you'd have a great memory.

Speaker 1 You must have been fucking slain bartending at the Abbey. Were you just living your greatest life?

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 1 It was good that I got out.

Speaker 3 But this sort, this was 2003. I had just graduated from Mason Gross, which is the acting conservatory at Rutgers.
So I was 23. I just moved to New York City.

Speaker 3 I was living in Astoria, Queens, in this little closet that was a bedroom. And I was waiting tables at Hard Rock Cafe.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes. Great non-choice.

Speaker 3 I got a job there. I thought it would be cool.

Speaker 3 And they were like, you need New york experience to work here so i lied and so it was a saturday night super crazy busy a lot of tourists come through so the tips kind of suck you're working with a constant feeling of rage and i get sat with a birthday party so it's the mom the dad and about eight 10 year old girls oh wow so i approach the table and i'm like let me get this drink order and via the drink order i learned a few things first is that this is a family of privilege i mean a hard rock cafe birthday yeah that's that's a pricey yeah you're spending six, seven hundred dollars for those little girls to have dinner.

Speaker 2 Nachos.

Speaker 3 They brought these kids into the city for a night and they want to impress the parents of these other little girls. The birthday girls got like full beat hair done.

Speaker 3 So I'm taking their drink orders. They're all like, Melche.
They're talking down to me. The mom's like, these are the only Chardonnays you have.
And I'm like, well, Ken Bell Jackson's our top.

Speaker 3 And she's like, I guess that'll do. The dad's like, beer, keep it coming.
I'm like, he'll be on my side tonight. I come back and I'm like, let's get the appetizers.

Speaker 3 Now, in our pre-shift meeting, every shift, they sit us down and they're like, you must upsell. You must sell souvenir glasses.
They threaten us to get good shifts and good sections.

Speaker 3 So I'm offering the jumbo combo, which is like the biggest appetizer. It's this big thing in the middle of spring rolls, all the things around it, you know, something like that.

Speaker 3 And the nachos, I'm pushing all the best shit. And they're like, yeah.
Order comes up and I'm in the back getting it ready. And it's busy.
The waiters are all running around.

Speaker 3 And I'm like, I only have two hands. We're supposed to put on a separate plate the guacamole and the salsa with a little napkin underneath.
But I'm like, fuck it. I'm not doing that.

Speaker 3 I put the salsa on the side, guacamole on the other side, got the jumbo combo and the nachos. And I come out to the table, put down the jumbo combo, and then I'm going to put down the nachos.

Speaker 3 And I clear more space for them. And I'm like, I swear I put the salsa there with the guacamole.
So I'm about to look at them and say, I'll be right back with your salsa.

Speaker 3 Meanwhile, I have like four other tables. And I look at them and they're all just wide-eyed, mouths dropped open.
So I follow their eye line to the birthday girl who's seated right beneath me.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh. And the ramekin of salsa is on top of her.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's actually on her. Like a hat.
Like a hat. Oh, boy.

Speaker 3 So I drop the nachos. I grab the ramekin with one hand.

Speaker 5 I scoop the salsa with my other hand

Speaker 1 and I bolt. Uh-oh.
Oh, wow. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 3 And so I ran up to my friend in the back and I said, I just dropped the salsa on the fucking birthday girl's head. So I grabbed the little beverage naps that I was supposed to put on the plate.

Speaker 3 I run out there. The mom is standing up, picking onion chunks.

Speaker 3 And I come up, I'm scared to death, this mother. And I approach and I say, here's some napkins.
And she slowly turns to me and says, could you bring a clean, wet towel?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that feels fake.

Speaker 1 See, in her defense, that probably was what was necessary.

Speaker 2 He's tiny now. They're not going to do anything.

Speaker 1 I'm 23.

Speaker 3 I'm panicked.

Speaker 1 I run to the back.

Speaker 3 I see my manager. I'm like, I dropped the sauce on the birthday girl's head.
Can you get a clean, clean, wet towel?

Speaker 1 He gets it.

Speaker 3 I ring in the dinner. The rest of the meal goes off without a hitch.
The birthday girl has stopped crying. They're laughing.
Beautiful sight. The mom's drunk.

Speaker 3 The dad's drunk looking at like the rock and roll memorabilia. Now I'm feeling the spirit.
I'm like, this is a great party. You know, I'm going to make this up the rest.

Speaker 3 So at the Hard Rock, we're supposed to. do a big birthday announcement.
Like they want us to scream, get everyone's attention, make it rock and roll. I hated doing these things.

Speaker 3 I'd always pay the kid at the Mohawk five bucks to do it for me.

Speaker 1 Which is ironic because you're in pursuit pursuit of performing. These are these weird contradictions we have.
But it felt below you. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I went to Mason Gross school.

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 3 But this birthday I was doing it. So I went to the back and I told the dessert woman, I was like, make this good extra whipped cream.
And so this was in a large margarita glass, plastic.

Speaker 1 What a restaurant. I want to go so bad.
I want all this. I don't care how bad I feel the next day.

Speaker 3 So it's a big brownie on the bottom, three scoops of vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup, caramel, whipped cream, cherry on top. I put the candle on top.
I take it. I march out there.

Speaker 3 All their eyes light up. I'm like, get up.
She's like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm like, get out of your seat.

Speaker 1 I pull her up myself. Oh, wow.
Okay.

Speaker 3 I pull her chair up. I'm like, get up on your chair.

Speaker 3 She's like, oh my God, no.

Speaker 1 I'm like, get up on the chair. She gets up on the chair.

Speaker 1 Get the fuck on the chair, birthday girl.

Speaker 3 This is what they made us do. So I light the candle.
I hand her the sundae and I turn around. I face the restaurant and I yell, attention, Hard rock cafe.

Speaker 3 They want us to do, like, how's everyone doing tonight?

Speaker 1 Oh, show yep, crowd participation. Don't forget to check out the merch.
We got to get rid of some of these hats. Double dip.

Speaker 3 Attention, hard rock cafe. This is whatever her name is, birthday tonight.
I want everyone on the count of three to say happy birthday. And there's a collective gas.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh my God, no.

Speaker 3 So I slowly turn around and she's on her back. The chair is tipped backwards.

Speaker 3 The sundae is on her chest, her face. It looks like it exploded everywhere.

Speaker 1 She's screaming, crying.

Speaker 3 All the girls are jumping up. The mother's looking at me like, you're fucking days.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're literally the worst server ever.

Speaker 3 I look at the dad and he's trying so hard not to laugh.

Speaker 1 Okay, good. He's blasted enough.
He's seeing the humor in it.

Speaker 5 I again run away.

Speaker 2 I hope to get a wet towel this time.

Speaker 1 I go in the back.

Speaker 3 I find my manager and I say, can you please bring a clean wet towel? So I go out there trying to avoid eye contact, hoping they're cleaned up and someone's taking care of the chick.

Speaker 3 And I feel a tap, tap, tap. And I turn around.
It's the dad. And he slips me two 20s.

Speaker 3 And he gives me a little nod. And so I said, well, I ruined her birthday, but I guess I made his night.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 He's surrounded by all these little girls and this woman. And then he saw another man enter and have the same terrible luck he has.
He's like, I know, brother.

Speaker 1 I know what it's like to disappoint these gals. I do it daily.
Here's 40 bucks.

Speaker 2 That was really nice of him.

Speaker 3 And it's not like I was doing these things on purpose, right?

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 And it's not your fault. She's got terrible balance.

Speaker 2 It is your fault that you made her stand up on that chair.

Speaker 1 No. I don't think the chair was the issue as much as do not hand her something that weighs a third as much as her body mass and put her in a precarious.
It was one or the other.

Speaker 1 Either have her hold the dessert. or get her up on the chair, but not both.

Speaker 2 These are the lessons we learn in life. You came out really unscathed, I gotta say.

Speaker 1 Did mom sign the tip on the master bill? Did you get a pretty shit tip besides from the 40?

Speaker 3 What I do remember is that parties of six or more, they would include the tip. And that one, my manager was like, we're not including the tip.

Speaker 1 I'm surprised the meal wasn't free.

Speaker 3 He probably compeds the jumbo combo.

Speaker 1 Maybe that dessert that almost gave her a concussion. Thank God the fucking thing was in a plastic.
I know. Yeah, if you would have looked down, there was blood everywhere.
Oh,

Speaker 1 you could be telling a much different story

Speaker 1 that you murdered a 10-year-old at her birthday party.

Speaker 3 Different prompt.

Speaker 1 Exactly. Thank you for that story.
Yes, thank you, Justin.

Speaker 3 Thank you for having me. Can I go yell at my husband, bring him in here?

Speaker 1 Yes, of course.

Speaker 1 Hi, what's your name? Mark. Are you from the UK? I am British.
Yo!

Speaker 2 Who's this cutie pie?

Speaker 3 She also... has a bit of a weird accent because she's raised by the two of us.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 3 She's half Jersey, half British. This is Larsen Jean.

Speaker 1 Hi.

Speaker 3 Hi, Monica. Hi, Monica.

Speaker 1 Oh, hi, Monka. Hi.

Speaker 1 Hi.

Speaker 1 Well, you guys,

Speaker 1 congrats on this beautiful family. Thank you.
All right. Be well.
Take care. Thank you for having me.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. Bye.

Speaker 1 There's nothing cuter than hearing your name from a little baby.

Speaker 2 Noah said it the other day and it was so cute.

Speaker 1 He said Monka? Yeah. Does he say Monica or does he say Monica?

Speaker 2 No, no, no. It takes them a long, long time to get that middle syllable.

Speaker 1 That's a hard one. Because my kids did manka a bit.
Monca and mamama. Mamama.
That was Delta.

Speaker 1 Mamama. I wish this is a fact check so I could tell you Delta's most recent story.
Oh, I'll say in a nutshell. The Aarons are in town.
She's not been around the three of us.

Speaker 1 She's just meeting Tyrell for the first time. I'm going to put her in bed last night and she goes, Dad, do you think Tyrell ever feels left out?

Speaker 1 And I said, oh, that's such a beautiful instinct to worry about that. But I don't think so.
We've been all really great friends for 35 years. And I think he's maybe a little shyer.

Speaker 1 And she goes, okay, did you ask him that? Are you assuming that? And I go, fuck, I'm assuming it. Do you want to go ask him? And she goes, yeah, let's go talk to him.
So we went downstairs

Speaker 1 and the Aarons were downstairs watching TV. And we said, Tyrell, can we ask you a question? And then we got this question out.
And he was like, oh my God, thanks for worrying about that.

Speaker 1 I have a relationship with each of them individually. And then when they're together, this new person emerges.
And I just enjoy watching. And I'm glad I don't have to talk.

Speaker 1 So he just like walked through the whole thing. I was like, oh, thank God I assumed correctly.
But she was right. I never asked him, but I assumed that was the case.

Speaker 2 Oh, she's always looking out.

Speaker 1 She's so empathetic.

Speaker 2 She is, you know, I take her for her birthday. Yeah.

Speaker 1 To the reckless unicorn.

Speaker 2 And Target. The year before that, we had lumped in Christmas and her birthday.
And so Lincoln came. We all went.
This year, we didn't do that. And so I took her.

Speaker 2 And then on the way home, she said, do you take Lincoln on a shopping spree for her birthday? And I was like, Well, no, I don't. Something that we just started for me and you,

Speaker 2 but maybe I should start doing that. And she was like, Yeah,

Speaker 2 instead of just being like, I get this special thing, like I would do. She's very rare.
I know. But it makes me think that I need to give you a shopping spree every day.

Speaker 1 Like, you deserve so many shopping sprays. Right, right, right.

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Speaker 1 Hello. Oh, wonderful.
You're in a vehicle.

Speaker 7 Monica, I am so sorry I'm not in the closet.

Speaker 2 No, you sound great.

Speaker 7 I worked from my car and I i tried so hard to find a street that was extra quiet and for whatever reason today it's like the audubon no you're fine what job are you running out of your vehicle i'm so interested i am in wine sales oh there we go so i have a trunk full of wine i work for a distributor and i travel from account to account and sample them on wine and then bring home whatever doesn't get tasted.

Speaker 1 Oh my god. Monica's backup dream job.
I missed out. Wow.
You thought you had your dream job, but you don't.

Speaker 2 I guess I don't.

Speaker 7 It's a wonderful gig. I will not lie.

Speaker 1 What state are you in? Actually, hold on. I'm going to guess base nothing more than there are two buildings behind you that are clapboard and they look like they're from the 1800s.

Speaker 1 So I'm going New England. I'm starting in New England.
I'm going to London.

Speaker 1 Old England? Yeah,

Speaker 1 original England.

Speaker 7 Dax, you are correct. I am actually in Rhode Island.

Speaker 1 In Rhode Island. Wow, I don't think we get many Rhode Islanders.

Speaker 2 This is exciting.

Speaker 1 Did you appreciate that one? That was fun because that's just a building in the background.

Speaker 2 Because that blue door felt very London to me.

Speaker 1 It's the yellow and red house in the deep BG that's a giveaway.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 7 I'm actually right now pretty much on the Brown University campus because Brown takes up most of Providence.

Speaker 7 So I'm on a really beautiful street that is just all old houses that a lot of students live in.

Speaker 2 If you run into any hot professors, send them my way.

Speaker 7 I will send them your way. I was going to tell you I had a bone to pick with you about Rhode Island having little brother energy.

Speaker 1 Oh, there you you go. I forgot.

Speaker 3 It's about time.

Speaker 1 Let it rip. I've been really working on this for a while.

Speaker 7 I wonder if I've ever had the opportunity.

Speaker 2 Let's hear it. I deserve to be taken down, a peg.

Speaker 7 I'm going to go about it in a very nice way. Rhode Island is an incredible state.
Born here, raised here. I moved away.
I most recently moved back from Austin, Texas.

Speaker 7 Rhode Island is very, very special. There's more coastline here.
It's stunning.

Speaker 2 So give it a chance. I will.
From what I'm seeing, it looks beautiful. I mean, little brothers are beautiful.

Speaker 1 Okay, you have a crazy birthday party story.

Speaker 7 I do. My story takes place in 2005.
It was my 12th birthday party.

Speaker 7 Fun fact, my birthday is on Halloween, which means that every year I get to have cake candy and I get to dress up and I get to do something Halloween related. And it's really wonderful.

Speaker 7 This year in 2005, my family was actually in the middle of a move. So my stepdad had built my family a house that was gorgeous and it looked like a big old red barn from the outside.

Speaker 7 So when you walk in, the ceiling shot up 27 feet

Speaker 7 and the second floor started in the middle of the house. So if you were on the second floor, you could yell down to the first floor and have a conversation.
So the acoustics were crazy in the house.

Speaker 7 However, around this time, my mom decided she wanted to move. She wanted to live on a real farm.
We had found a farm. We moved out of our old house, but we hadn't closed the deal yet.

Speaker 7 So we still owned the house. There was no furniture in it.
So I decided for my birthday this year that I wanted to take all of my friends, a group of nine, 11-year-olds, up to Salem, Mass.

Speaker 7 Salem, Massachusetts is known particularly around Halloween time because it's where the Salem witch trials took place.

Speaker 7 During Halloween, there's haunted houses and mock witch trials and wax museums and ghost tours and all of this fun stuff.

Speaker 7 Something that I loved at 11, probably not my group of friends' idea of fun at the time, especially when they were about two hours away from home and not with their parents anywhere. I was very lucky.

Speaker 7 My friends agreed. They all came, but then we had a sleepover afterwards back at my old house, which was entirely empty with the exception of a television.

Speaker 7 All of my friends brought sleeping bags with them. It's a little creepy.
There were some really funky features in the house that my stepdad had built in.

Speaker 7 Like he put an old confessional from a church in the house that was used as a coat closet.

Speaker 1 Oh, cool. Interesting.

Speaker 7 My mom had a giant wrought iron gate that was the entrance to her office area.

Speaker 7 So just some like really funky when you get back from a haunted night of things and you're 11 years old in a vacant pitch black house, it's things that can freak you out a little.

Speaker 7 So it's about 10 o'clock at night. All the girls are starting to go to sleep.
I fall asleep very quickly. I have a tendency to do that.

Speaker 7 My mom decided to go sleep in a back bedroom in a sleeping bag while all the girls slept in a sleeping bag in the front area of the house. Everyone's falling asleep.
About two girls were left awake.

Speaker 7 So now it's like three o'clock in the morning and they're just having fun.

Speaker 7 And all of a sudden they hear thunder, which was really weird because there was no rain or nothing happening in the forecast that would call for thunder so they didn't think anything of it then the thunder starts to get a little bit louder then they start to hear creaking floorboards and they're like that's really strange because there's nobody in the house other than us and nobody's upstairs because the creaking floorboards were coming from upstairs then they start to hear very loud footsteps oh

Speaker 7 at this point in time they start to lose their minds. They run to get my mom, who is six months pregnant at the time.
Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 7 So they run to get my mom, they wake her up and they're like, Dina, Dina, there's something happening. We are hearing these noise.
And my mom's like, you know what? Go back to sleep.

Speaker 7 You guys got freaked out. We went and did all this haunted stuff.
So they go back and a few minutes goes by and they're hearing more. Then it evolves and they start hearing chains rattle.

Speaker 7 Then they start hearing little kids singing.

Speaker 7 So at this point, both of them are absolutely in hysterics. So they go back and they get my mom and they shake her.
As my mom sits up, she kind of starts to hear what's going on.

Speaker 7 So she comes into the main area of the house. The other girls start to wake up.
The sounds are continuing. Now they're hearing wolves.
Then they're hearing a woman singing, children.

Speaker 1 Any

Speaker 1 sound you can possibly. Oh my God.

Speaker 7 My mom is hearing all of this as well. My mom is in a panic.
All the girls are crying. My friend Jenna is down on her knees saying her father.
One girl tees her pants. It's just utter chaos.

Speaker 7 So this goes on for about 15 minutes. I am sleeping through this entire thing.
My mom grabs her Nokia phone and calls my stepdad and is rushing to tell him what's going on. And he can't breathe.

Speaker 7 He's laughing so hard.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 7 So she's like, What is going on? Do you know what's happening? Do you not hear me?

Speaker 7 By the time he can finally breathe again, he tells her that he rigged a tape in the upstairs closet of the house to go off at 3:30 in the morning.

Speaker 7 That was all Halloween sounds because he wanted to play a prank on all of the girls.

Speaker 1 Oh, he did.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. He did this on purpose.
He's a rascal.

Speaker 1 This house he built is so weird and now this.

Speaker 7 And where he placed it was in the hall upstairs. So the acoustics of the house were in a way that because it was in the hall closet, the whole house echoed with the noise.
Oh

Speaker 1 scary.

Speaker 7 So needless to say, I had a lot of friends that were not allowed to hang out with me for a very long time.

Speaker 7 My stepdad had to come and pick up one girl to bring her home at four o'clock in the morning because she was inconsolable.

Speaker 1 Yeah, how are they going to go back to sleep after this? Even if it's explained to me at that age, I then go, well, this family is crazy. I don't want to be here.
Ghosts are no ghosts.

Speaker 1 These folks are nuts.

Speaker 7 It was absolute mayhem. And the kicker is that his original plan was there were big glass windows in the house.
He was going to have our neighbor.

Speaker 7 come with a bloody mask and a chainsaw and bang on the window.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. He thought it was your 16th birthday party, not yearly.
He got a little confused on your age.

Speaker 7 He got overly excited.

Speaker 2 Oh, I hate to say little brother energy, but that reeks over.

Speaker 1 You think it reeks? I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Speaker 2 Oh, how fun.

Speaker 1 That's definitely big brother energy.

Speaker 2 No, it's very funny.

Speaker 1 To fuck with the little brother. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm not a good as a noise. She has a very fluid definition of big brother energy.
Okay, we'll take whatever comes our way.

Speaker 2 No, he sounds fun.

Speaker 7 Thank you guys so much. I really appreciate the opportunity.

Speaker 1 allie you're doing

Speaker 7 and i'm so jealous of where you're at i want a trip to rhode island i do too i want to be proven wrong come check it out and monica i just want to tell you i listened to race to 35 all during my pregnancy the episodes were coming out every week and it actually inspired me to re-download 23andme and i had not checked it in years within a 48 hour period of time my family found out that my mom had a brother and oh my god he lives in rhode island he has daughters my age we are now incredibly close with them, spend holidays with them.

Speaker 7 And

Speaker 7 they wouldn't have been without Race for 35 for downloading it again and checking into it. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Two in a row. Thank you.

Speaker 2 I'm so glad.

Speaker 7 Thank you very much.

Speaker 1 All right. Nice meeting you.
Bye. Bye.

Speaker 1 Hi, Taylor. How are you? Hello.

Speaker 9 I'm good.

Speaker 2 How are you? Jack signed your shirt and BFAW.

Speaker 1 What grocery store were you at?

Speaker 9 I was at Sprouts in Nashville.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Our last stop.

Speaker 9 Yes. And you met my little baby.

Speaker 1 Yes, we met so many babies on that. I know.
I saw

Speaker 2 a little baby tour.

Speaker 1 The only thing you were robbed of, not that you would have given a shit, but that was the only stop we made that we weren't driving the bus.

Speaker 9 I drove around the parking lot to see if the bus was there and was a little sad, but you know, it's fine.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's fair. I had parked it in the barn and I didn't want to deal with.
trying to find parking for it. Were you someone who got a picture that Lincoln took?

Speaker 9 No, but I got to meet Ruthie.

Speaker 2 We love Ruthie. Shout out.

Speaker 1 Shout out, Ruthie.

Speaker 1 Okay, so you have a crazy birthday party story?

Speaker 9 I do. It was March 1st, 2003.
It's in Nashville, where I currently am at.

Speaker 1 Can I stop you? We've heard three stories, and they've all been 20 years ago or 22 years ago. It's very interesting.

Speaker 9 I was seven. I was going to my very first ice skating rink birthday party.
Super nervous, super excited.

Speaker 9 And it was towards the end of Open Skate, right before we were about to get off the ice for cake and presents. I was going to show my mom how good good I had gotten at ice skating.

Speaker 9 I had picked one of my friend's moms, her name's Betsy, and we were skating around the rink and it felt like we were going lightning speed.

Speaker 9 And all of a sudden, I fall and we were holding hands at the time. Fall kind of in front of her.
And because we were going lightning speed, she can't stop. So she runs over my fingers.

Speaker 1 Stop.

Speaker 1 Also, I'm going to add seven years old is pretty young for skating.

Speaker 2 Tell that to Michelle Kwan.

Speaker 1 Well, I won't because she's so good, but I imagine Khaleese skating right now. It's not like anyone's super agile yet.

Speaker 2 You have to start young if you want to be good.

Speaker 9 I will say most of us were gymnasts. So there's a little more agility there.

Speaker 1 Sure. Standard deviation above.

Speaker 9 I didn't know this had happened because I am high on life. I'm the best ice skater that there is at this point.

Speaker 2 You didn't feel it because you were in shock, probably.

Speaker 9 Yeah. We go to the bathroom.
and my mom starts trying to wash my hands to kind of see the cut. That's when I noticed, obviously, the blood.

Speaker 9 and I was like, let's not do this anymore because it's just pouring more blood out of my hand. She's like, okay.

Speaker 9 So she grabs my hand again really tight, lifts it up above the heart and takes it to the counter with a bunch of teenagers asking for the first aid kit. They do their best.

Speaker 9 They wrap it up really tightly. Thankfully the hospital was only about five minutes down the road.
So they get me back and they stitch me up.

Speaker 9 And my mom likes to tell everybody that I always said, no more numbing medicine. Just get the stitches in me because the numbing medicine hurts far worse than the stitches do.

Speaker 1 Yes, I've had a lot of stitches in my life and none of the cuts hurt, but man, when they swirl around that needle to get it to swell up so they can get the sutures in, that is murder. Yes.

Speaker 1 A diamond is forever. Here on the show, we talk to guests about their past, where they are today, and what they want for the future.
And it kind of makes you realize you're never really done, are you?

Speaker 1 You're constantly changing, shedding old versions of yourself to reveal someone stronger, smarter, funnier, even. Although, my kids might argue that.

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Speaker 1 Just like you. So this holiday season, gift yourself a desert diamond to reflect all the shades of you.
That's why A Diamond is Forever. Visit adiamondisforever.com to learn more.

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Bumpa-ba-da! Wow.

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Not an Empower client paid or sponsored.

Speaker 9 Thankfully, other than my skin being cut, no ligaments or tendons were damaged.

Speaker 1 Oh, I was very fearful your little seven-year-old fingers were going to be on the ring.

Speaker 2 Me too.

Speaker 2 And just laying there and someone would have to collect them. Luckily, they're already on ice.

Speaker 1 That's helpful. But then another few skaters come by and they chop it up even smaller, right? It started as half a fingernail.
Buzzling it together. Well, the fingernail goes on the side.

Speaker 2 That's the whole Frankenstein situation.

Speaker 1 I have the fingernail. Don't start there.

Speaker 9 A finger puree on the ice.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 I can't believe you still have your fingers.

Speaker 9 And she felt.

Speaker 2 terrible. Can you imagine?

Speaker 1 No, running over a little child's fingers with ice skates on. I would be more panicked panicked than the kid.

Speaker 9 Every time we go ice skating now, anytime someone falls, I immediately clutch my own hands.

Speaker 1 Have you done a lot of ice skating since then?

Speaker 9 More in my adult years. It took me probably about seven years after that before I went ice skating again.
Ended up falling and falling on my head.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 9 Then it took another several years before I got back on the ice.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't think it's for you.

Speaker 1 Might not be your sport. Yeah.
Do you ever get fucked up in gymnastics?

Speaker 9 I broke something. That was my career-ending injury, but it wasn't that bad.
It was just a fractured ankle. I was already phasing out.

Speaker 1 You knew you weren't going to that next level. Oh, no.

Speaker 9 I'm a C-plus gymnast at best.

Speaker 1 Monty, did you ever break anything?

Speaker 2 No. I ripped my hamstring.
That's the worst thing that's happened.

Speaker 1 But not a full sever, like a tear?

Speaker 2 I wasn't allowed to go to the doctor because I had to compete and they would have said, I can't.

Speaker 1 But I heard it rip.

Speaker 2 It was really bad. But no breaks.

Speaker 1 I think I'd rather have a broken bone than a ripped hammy. I agree.

Speaker 1 Well, Taylor, it's nice to see you again.

Speaker 9 It's nice to see you again. It's nice to meet you, Monica.

Speaker 2 It is so nice to meet you.

Speaker 9 Can I give a shout out to my friend?

Speaker 1 Of course.

Speaker 9 Claire, we started working together a couple years ago, and she recognized this sweatshirt, and she goes, are you an arm cherry?

Speaker 1 And I said,

Speaker 1 I sure am.

Speaker 9 And it kick-started our friendship.

Speaker 1 That's our dream.

Speaker 1 Community. Yeah.
Our dream is that people see each other in the wild and then become friends.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I love that. Is she so cool like you?

Speaker 9 She is the coolest.

Speaker 1 All arm cherries are.

Speaker 1 All right. We'll give her our love and great seeing you.
Thank you. All right.
Take care. Bye.

Speaker 2 Hi.

Speaker 1 Is this Ariana?

Speaker 8 It is. This is a big year for my name.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's short.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 Is that a common name growing up or no? No.

Speaker 8 My parents picked it out of a book they got at a garage sale.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. Probably an outdated baby names book.

Speaker 8 Yes, definitely. I've seen the book.
It's falling apart.

Speaker 2 Oh, I thought they found a book at a garage sale and the character's name like yours.

Speaker 1 Right. I went straight to baby naming, but outdated because it's at a garage sale.
Yeah. I think that's the way to do it.
Where did you grow up?

Speaker 8 Northern New Jersey. I'm in upstate New York now.

Speaker 1 Which is better? That's hard.

Speaker 8 Better bagels in New Jersey.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 2 Oh, you're going to start a beef.

Speaker 1 A bagel brawl.

Speaker 8 New York City bagels are better, but upstate bagels don't really exist.

Speaker 1 They're bonk. Interesting.
What's the vibe where you're at? Is it rural?

Speaker 8 I live about 25 minutes south of Saratoga Springs, if you've ever been.

Speaker 1 Haven't been, but I know this is where all the people vacationed in the Gilded Age. The camps were there and stuff.

Speaker 8 Actually, the Gilded Age is filmed near me.

Speaker 1 Oh, it is.

Speaker 1 Okay, so you have a crazy birthday party story.

Speaker 8 Yes. So I should start by saying I am like a type A kind of mom.
My friends are always like, why do you go so hard? You're making us look bad. So I always have made my kids birthday invitations.

Speaker 8 I have two daughters, eight and five. And I'll put the silly little photo of them with some graphic.

Speaker 8 So last year was my daughter's eighth birthday and eight, I'm sure you know Dax, they're starting to get a little sassy and have their own personality. And she wanted her party at the bowling alley.

Speaker 8 We're big kids now, no parents to hang out by us. So I made the invitation and I'm also a little at this point exhausted from RSVP etiquette not existing anymore.

Speaker 8 No one wants to chase down the parents in the classroom that you don't actually know like are you coming or you're not so i decided to do an Evite, which I've never used Evite before this time, but I had received them.

Speaker 8 So I sign up for Evite. I upload the invitation that I made.
And I'm also weird about importing contacts. I have old bosses in my phone, like people I don't want to text.

Speaker 8 So here I am manually uploading each number. And I put them in, I send the invite out.
I start getting some RSVPs. I'm like, okay, that went great.

Speaker 8 The next day, I at the time was working in corporate radio. My life though, because I was corporate, was all day on camera in meetings.
Can't pick up my phone.

Speaker 8 And I see someone's calling me, a number I don't know, so definitely not picking up. I ignore it.
Then they call again. I ignore it.
I'm in a meeting at the time. So I've ignored two calls.

Speaker 8 I see they left a voicemail. Then I see I get a text, the same number, and I can't look at my phone, but I can glance.
And all I see is officer da-da-da.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 8 So at this point, I tell the people in my meeting, I'm so sorry. I just have to pick this up quick.
Some officer keeps calling me. But I made the mistake of just muting my sound and not my camera.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh.

Speaker 8 I pick up and he says, this is parole officer such and such. I'm calling because I need you to confirm that you intended to send an invitation to one of my parolees.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Weird.

Speaker 2 One of the kids' parents in school.

Speaker 1 That's where my head went first.

Speaker 8 Like one of the moms or dads. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's be honest. The moms.
I'm sure that's whose numbers you had. That's more exciting to think one of the moms is an ex-con than the dad.

Speaker 2 What'd they do?

Speaker 8 So I'm still on camera, but I turn to go to my other screen and I pop open Evite and I ask him for the number he thinks I texted. And then I see it.
I put a six instead of a seven on the end.

Speaker 8 So then I ask, who did I text? Are they coming to my party?

Speaker 8 And the officer tells me that I texted one of the most violent, vicious child sex offenders.

Speaker 1 Oh my

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 8 So this was a type of.

Speaker 1 This is his dream fucking invite to a kid.

Speaker 2 And he's like, I was invited. Yes.

Speaker 1 A bowling alley. There's alcohol.
This is like the dream scenario. I hit the jack.
Oh, my.

Speaker 8 Yeah. So at this point, I start crying.
I am a mess. And I just race to hang up my meeting.
And I just figured I'd tell them later what happened.

Speaker 8 I go into a panic asking all the questions, saying all the things you just said. First of all, the number that called is my area code.

Speaker 8 So this officer was in my area code, which means that this person lives about two hours' drive away, which is drivable.

Speaker 1 So come to my party. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 8 The next place my mind went was the invitation, which I did send you a copy.

Speaker 8 My gorgeous daughter's on it.

Speaker 1 Okay, time for me to take, oh boy. Okay.
Yep. It's Zoe's eighth birthday.
And Zoe's being very sassy in the photo. She's got hands on hips.

Speaker 1 If I were this violent pedophile, even I would be smart enough to go, this feels like entrapment. Clearly, the government's running a sting on me.

Speaker 8 I'm worried about her picture, Moses.

Speaker 8 I didn't send you the town we live in, but it was on it. And when you open the evite, it has date, time, address, like my phone number, my email.

Speaker 1 You're inviting this monster into your world.

Speaker 2 Thank God, though, it wasn't a party you were throwing at your house.

Speaker 8 That's true. Where your mind went, Dax, though, is actually what happened.
So the officer told me that the reason he even found out about this is that the parolee did believe it was a sting.

Speaker 1 Of course.

Speaker 1 Well, look, you're a convicted fucking offender and you get this sassy invite to an eight-year-old's birthday. This is entrapment.

Speaker 2 Okay, but if he did go, would he be in trouble since he was invited?

Speaker 1 That's a great question. I'm sure he's not allowed to be within X amount of feet of a school and a playground, but I don't know about a bowling alley or a birthday party.

Speaker 8 So I did get some more details on the man because at this point, I'm spinning out of control. The officer's trying to calm me down, but also he's an officer.

Speaker 8 So he can't just be like, nah, everything's fine. He tells me that truly he committed so many crimes in four or five states to the point where he's about an 80-something year old man.

Speaker 8 He has lived most of his life in prison. Oh

Speaker 2 God. And he's at the end of his days.
So he's ready to get back out there.

Speaker 1 I don't. Well, this is a bigger and dicier question.
Okay. I'm curious because we often hear hear rape's not a crime of sex.
It's a crime of control.

Speaker 1 I don't know what mentally is going on with the pedophilia world, but you would imagine as someone's sexual desire declines with age, as happens, does that all go away?

Speaker 1 Or is it still such a mental sickness? Good question. Is it even related to your sexuality? I don't know.
We'd have to ask this gentleman. Well, I shouldn't call him a gentleman.

Speaker 1 If there's anyone we cannot call a gentleman,

Speaker 8 I've never heard an officer talk this way, but he started saying, I don't believe in punishment, but I believe this man deserves punishment. Like, it's disgusting what he's done.

Speaker 8 And then he gave me his name and a photo. He encouraged me to look up what he had done.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. It was bad.

Speaker 1 And you did. You went down the rabbit hole of his crimes.
Very hard. I stand by the decision to give you the photo because you got to keep your eyes peeled at the party.

Speaker 8 Yes. And this officer was a little funny.
He said to me, I don't think you have to worry because of his age. He can't really drive.
He can't really see that well. He does have an ankle monitor.

Speaker 8 He's not allowed to leave his house. But make no mistake, if you do find yourself in a room with him, you are in grave danger.

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 2 Wow. He's kind of the jinxy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Bob Dersey.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And you think like, he's 80.
It's fine, but it's not fine.

Speaker 8 Apparently, he doesn't even really understand phones because he was in prison so long.

Speaker 8 So he actually never saw the photo of my daughter, but he did see the words, you're invited to Zoe's eighth birthday party.

Speaker 1 This is a fucking bizarre turn of events. This really is.

Speaker 8 The officer offered, because he could sense he was not going to put me at ease, to geolocate the person the day of the party. I was like, can you just send a whole troop here to the balling alley?

Speaker 8 But then realized that might be much.

Speaker 8 I hang up with him. That's the plan.
Text him day of. But then I face this super serious moral dilemma of do I tell the parents? who are coming to the party?

Speaker 1 Listen, I don't think so.

Speaker 2 Did you? For the most part, no.

Speaker 8 So they'll hear it on this podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 There's no reason to unleash all this fear among them. Is it going to help make the situation safer? No.

Speaker 8 No, it's going to ruin my daughter's party.

Speaker 1 They might even not bring their kids. There's already a cop involved.

Speaker 2 Did you consider moving the location?

Speaker 8 Yes, but I would have had a lot of questions. And again, RSVPs were already hard to get.
I did tell the friend of mine whose number I messed up. messed up.

Speaker 8 I was like, this is how important it is to be careful when you write your phone number. And she laughed.

Speaker 8 but day of the party came and I woke up and I said officer blah blah blah I texted I would like you to geolocate thank you and about 25 minutes later he wrote back and said I have located him he is at his residence have a great party exclamation point oh my god

Speaker 1 that's a great also cautionary tale I want your friend now to receive a text intended for him That's what's exciting.

Speaker 1 It's one number off. She should keep her eyes peeled for some suspicious meetups.

Speaker 2 True, she could be. She could be double agent.

Speaker 1 Yeah. She could alert the police.
Wow. Well, Ariana, I'm really sad I missed this party because it does look like a blast.
Was it a great party?

Speaker 8 You know, I wasn't allowed to really talk to her.

Speaker 1 Sure.

Speaker 8 I think she had a good time. This year, even.
She's turning nine next month, and she just said she doesn't want a party. She just wants to chill with three friends.

Speaker 1 Oh, cool. Smoke a little weed, pop on Netflix.

Speaker 2 Well, thank you so much for sharing that.

Speaker 8 Thank you so much. I've been listening since the first episode.
This is the most exciting thing that ever happened.

Speaker 1 Oh, wonderful.

Speaker 2 Thank you for sticking with us. Yes, of course.

Speaker 1 All right. Take care.

Speaker 2 Oh, pedophiles.

Speaker 1 It's a bummer we have pedophiles.

Speaker 2 It really is a bummer.

Speaker 1 Of all the fucking peculiar human

Speaker 1 antics, that one is like, ooh, fuck. It really is.

Speaker 1 And I feel bad for them.

Speaker 2 I do too.

Speaker 1 What a fucking terrible experience on planet Earth.

Speaker 1 Happy birthday, everybody.

Speaker 1 It's your birthday happy. Happy birthday.
Do you have a crazy birthday story?

Speaker 2 I had a really fun fondue party for my sweet 16.

Speaker 1 Oh, you did?

Speaker 1 Oh, that's nice. It was nice.
The only one I remember is I got to go to McDonald's once and I got to invite like three kids from my neighborhood. And I invited Betsy Goodwin, who I had a crush on.

Speaker 1 And I got some present. My mom would remember the details more because she really didn't like her after this.
And she said she would marry me if I gave her one of my presents. And I did.

Speaker 2 And then she didn't marry you?

Speaker 1 No, we got married. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Seems like she did the right thing. She stuck to her promise.

Speaker 1 I used to be a real Patsy, a putz.

Speaker 2 Oh, you really swung in the other direction.

Speaker 1 I really did. Okay.
All right. Goodbye.
Love you.

Speaker 1 Do you want to sing a tune or something? I'm going to do a theme song. Oh.

Speaker 1 Okay, great.

Speaker 1 We don't have a

Speaker 1 song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.

Speaker 1 We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of Arm Jerry's, we'll get some suggestions

Speaker 1 on the flyer rhyme dish.

Speaker 1 On the fly rhyme dish, enjoy.

Speaker 1 Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Speaker 10 I'm teaming up with LeBron James to bring you the latest season of Mind the Game. And we're about to take you deeper into basketball than you've ever gone before.

Speaker 10 We're breaking down the real game, the X's and O's that actually matter.

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Speaker 10 LeBron and I have lived this game at the highest level for decades.

Speaker 10 We've been in those pressure moments and made those game-changing decisions and learned from the greatest basketball minds in history.

Speaker 10 Now we're pulling back the curtain and sharing that knowledge with you. Time to go beyond the highlights and get into the real heart of basketball.

Speaker 10 Watch Mind the Game Now on YouTube, Prime Video, or listen wherever you get your podcasts.