Ike Barinholtz Returns Again

Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.
Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert.
I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Leslie Stahl. My goodness.
And for our third time as the charm, favorite guest by far, Ike Barinholtz is here.

He's an actor.

He's a comedian.

He's a show creator.

He's a writer.

He does it all.

The Mindy Project, Blockers, Mad TV, The Hunt, Neighbors.

And he's-

He's a Jeopardy guy.

A Jeopardy champion.

Champion.

Thank you.

Champion.

And he is a creator of Running Point. Mm- netflix season two congrats yes and he's acting in this most impossibly great show that i'm so excited for everyone to watch called the studio with seth rogan and he is on fire in the show ike Barinholtz.
And I guess we should say, I don't feel bad spoiling this. Okay.
But Thursday we have- Oh my God, I can't do that. You're so spoiled.
Wednesday we have Seth on. Seth Rogen.
Yes, to talk about the show. In the capacity of an expert.
Yeah. Because the technical aspect of this show is so impressive.
Yes. And deserved a deep dive.
Yeah. And it got real nitty gritty deep divey.
Yes. And you made the call.
So this is Studio Week. This is Studio Week.
Welcome to Studio Week. Yeah.
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What's up, man? You're so fucking strong. Oh, God, thanks for noticing.
You're really strong. I'm just out of the shower, too.
I want to smell so fresh for you. It is so hot.
I also knew you were tall, but you seem extra tall today. I am wearing lifts.
Okay, cool. I got some elevator shoes.
Cool. You know what I liked when we had James Marsden on? He said he wore lifts.
It was very nonchalant, but he threw it in there. And I liked that.
Very confident. Yeah.
We put a couple actors in lifts for running point. Chet Hanks is playing an NBA player.
You got to throw him in lifts, man. He had more swag when he had the lifts on.
He just had sudden confidence out of nowhere. There's a saying, right? 10 feet tall and something? I feel 10 feet tall and bulletproof? I never heard that.
Is that a Jack Chabber original? Did you just quote yourself? I'm going to tell you afterwards because it's so proprietary and novel and I don't even want to steal it, but truly, you know, I was five minutes late. I was showering.
That was great. I was on pace to make it in time and And I started thinking of an idea for us.
And it was so... Twin? You know when a real idea hits you and you're like, oh, and then it's immediately writing itself incredibly fast.
You can't stop thinking about it. I went into like a moment of flow.
And you were nude, which I really appreciate. I've been stroking myself.
Yeah, of course. That's where the best ideas come from.
This is a tick I have when I think. That's how the Declaration of Independence was written.
It was a group of men masturbating. That Continental Congress floor of this place is like a porn theater.
It was a goon fest. There's one big goon stash over there.
A goon fest. Wait, tell us what gooning is.
I just thought you meant a bunch of creeps. Oh, no, gooning is very advanced jacking off.
Oh, can you explain? It's like when young men who are kind of aimless will literally jack off all day until they are in almost trance-like states. Oh my God.
So it's a spiritual practice. Yeah, it's not something I do.
I've tried. I just can't do it.
Your refractory period is like two days, isn't it? My wife is so annoyed. She's like, that's her daughter's birthday.
I'm like, hold on. I'm working on something.
But I first heard about this and then I became obsessed with the notion. And it's not edging.
Edging is like getting to a point of them being like. This is more like I'm going to go and then I'm just going to keep going until I'm just like.
I mean, this is a game for the youthful because truly, even if, for a kabillion dollars, you had to beat a record, how many times do you think you could actually do it in a day? 50. No.
No. No.
No, in all seriousness. I know it's more than me, but I can't imagine.
10. 10.
What? After 10, you're so exhausted and disgusted with yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You feel like you're just a piece of trash. Well, how long does it of trash.
Well, how long does it take to rebound? Yeah. That's what I think would become my issue in this hypothetical race to Bezos' Bucks.
Like 30 minutes or like five minutes? Can we call it Bezos' Bucks? Bezos' Bucks. The Bezos' beat-off Bucks challenge.
Oh, God. Honey, I'm hosting a new show.
That was my idea. We're calling it Triple B.

That was the idea?

Bezos beat off Bucks. Bezos, how do I combine this?

Everyone else is so tired of it, but can I tell you

my favorite joke I think I've ever come up

with? Yes. Did you see that Forbes

just recently announced the richest

man in Mexico? No.

Jeff Bezos? Oh,

my God.

It's so stupid. It's good, though.
Jeff Pesos. Don't do that.
It's good. No, it's like watching somebody open somebody's present.
You said this is the best joke I've ever come up with and then we have to watch a reaction. I'm not even worried, though.
Because what happens when you hear the joke is you go, uh-oh, this is racist. Right.
You're scared. That's where your mind goes.
You're like, oh, shit. That's why it's a nice joke because it relieves the tension of thinking you're going to have to fake laugh at a racist joke.
Then you realize you're racist for thinking it might be racist in the first place. Right.
Then you're almost feeling guilty. And then the relief of oh, it's work.
That's a good one. That's a good joke when it traps you.
It creates moral conflict. What you don't want is someone to guess the answer.
Like, what do you call the richest man in Mexico? And they're like, oh, I don't know. Burrito late.
Like, you know what I mean? You're like, no, no, no. Let me just get the joke out.
God almighty. I didn't even model out that.
You just got to make sure you're not telling this joke to anyone you think might be racist. Oh, wow.
Boy, I didn't even think that that could happen. Yeah.
Oh, let me guess. No, no, no.
No, no, no. Let me whip through this.
It'll take literally five seconds. Probably some people I would ask would know.
It's like the telecommunications guy, right? Yeah, Carlos Slim. And you're like, okay.
I'll talk to you later. Bye.
But I am on the cover of Forbes this month, which is what I'm here to put up. I could see that happening.
You're very busy. Very busy and very busy in the financial world.
A lot of deals being made. I sure hope so.
Just closed a big deal on the way over here. A lot of venture capital stuff.
A lot of VC. VC.
Yeah, yeah. You and your boys.
That's what we call it because we're so busy making deals. We don't have time to say the fourth thing.
Yeah, you don't have time. ROI.
What'd you say? ROI. Oh, I love.
Time is money. Time is money.
I've been saying that for years. And I love ROI.
And I know what it is. And I love it.
And it's a big part of my portfolio. Do you know what EBITDA is? Yeah, dude.
I know what EBITDA is. Jesus, Monica, what's going on? Yeah, I know what EBITDA is.
Anyways, what else is going on? Do you find, though, that you get hit with these terms? And I don't even know. It's probably 50-50 ego, but 50% yes, I don't want to acknowledge I don't know it.
I hate saying I don't know. Really? There's a real freedom in it, but I really try to be a smarty pants.
I'm surprised by that a little bit. I present like a dumbass, but in reality, I'm self-conscious of that.
So I want to be like, I know what that is. Same thing.
I read as a dumbass. It's a chip on my shoulder.
I'm kind of secretly smart. And then I can't possibly expose myself as being ignorant on anything.
And then when I do, I talk my way out of it and say like, no, actually, I'm still right. And people are like, okay.
Right. Oh, wow.
Or I don't know this because no one would know this. And to know it would be stupid.
Yeah. Like a lot of times with our kids, my wife will explain something.
I recently learned about kind of how rain works. Okay.
I just thought it fell from the sky, and then it makes sense that some of the water is evaporating and coming down. And so I said, it comes from the sky.
Well, it also comes from bodies of water and stuff, and I was like, yeah, well, both are right. And it's just like, who cares? You should just shut up and be like, oh, I didn't know that.
How old are your daughters? 33.

Congratulations.

31 and 30.

Oh, wow.

Do you know that's too fast for them to grow?

Because I held one when she was a baby.

You did.

You came over and picked her up.

That is true.

We've been giving them some steroids and stuff.

What's that one called?

Progeria?

That's when you're really big.

No, that's acromegaly.

Progeria is I think you're aging really quickly.

Reverse Benjamin Button. Or straight Benjamin Button? Well, Benjamin Button is you're born old and then you're getting younger.
Yeah, he's going opposite. Well, you're right.
By the way, I don't mind being wrong to you. That's a really nice compliment.
I think you're a one of one in that category. I'm jealous.
We've done a thousand of these and you're never once in a month. Same as you.
Eight and 11, then we have a six-year-old. Eight, 11, and six.
Soon to be 12. Okay, now this is repugnant to admit out loud, but I assume you'll join me.
Don't you love when they ask these questions of how things work or anything historic, and you're like, oh my God, I have value in this situation. As wonderful as that is, it is the opposite when the 11 and now even the 8-year-old is like, hey, can you help me do a very simple math problem? I'm like, I cannot.
I literally cannot do it. Like, I can sit here with you and try to pretend, but that's a huge bummer.
But when it's history or social studies, government, any of that stuff, I am so excited to talk about it and really like to show up. You want to be valuable to them? Yes.
When you get older, you're increasingly less and less valuable. Now, this is going to come later, but it would be crazy to not address it now.
There's so many things that I'm impressed with you for. But this Jeopardy thing has me insecure and envious in a way that's just so genuine.
If people don't know, you won Celebrity Jeopardy. I did.
And before we even go on from there, there was a moment in Celebrity Jeopardy. Do you know how wild your true daily double was? Do you recognize the stakes of that? Before I went on Jeopardy, randomly a friend of a friend had won a couple episodes of Jeopardy.
And he said to me, my best piece of advice to you is if it's early on especially, go big on those daily doubles. The odds are you're going to know the answer and just don't be afraid.
It was against my nature, but I went all in on a couple of them. He had $16,700 and he made it a true Daily Double.
He risked all $16,700. This was, again, in the final with Patton.
How many episodes is it? I won the first one and then I went to the next round on that and then the finals was me versus Patton and Will. So three games in a row he won.
You know how Daily Double works, right? You can wager anything up to your... I know, you know, and if you don't know, it'd be stupid to know.
Maybe some people don't know who are listening. So you should maybe explain it.
So when you get a daily double, daily double. And then you say how much you want to wager of your actual money.
So you could say a hundred dollars. So I looked it up.
I was like, I wonder if I set a record for the biggest daily double ever. No, it couldn't be.
Not fucking far off. Someone had a $25,600 daily double.
That's pretty good. That was what definitely won me that game.
I tell my friends who are going on it, I'm like, go all in. I told the great Max Greenfield, I was like, you got to go all in.
And afterwards he's like, I didn't. He didn't do it.
It's scary. It is scary because the thought of losing everything is very real.
How many daily doubles are in the game? In the first round of Jeopardy, there's one. In Double Jeopardy, there's two.
But in Celebrity Jeopardy, there's three rounds. They're all daily doubles.
Everything's a daily double. And I think I got at least two or three of them in that.
Early on, if it's like a category that you know, and it's one of the earlier questions, like a $300 question, you're probably going to know it. If it was astrophysics for $500, I would probably not do it.
Math problem is what I was thinking. Or osmosis.
The whole category is osmosis. I'm screwed.
I wouldn't even know. One of the answers would probably be egg.
Egg. What is egg? Yeah, yeah.
But anyways, I watched the clip of you doing that today, and I hadn't seen it prior to this. I was listening to that question with so much anxiety.
Do you remember it? Well, I know the answer. It was Harriet Tubman.
Harriet Tubman. It was about the Underground Railroad.
Right. God bless Celebrity Jeopardy.
Okay, yeah. We're there just like, listen, celebrities, we have special brains.
We're creative. We're goons.
We love to goon. As a celeb, you have to reserve the red carpet in gooning.
Yeah, of course. That's just part of the deal.
That's going to be 30, 40% of the brain capacity. That's most of the brain.
Gooning is like an automatopia. It's really bad.
It sounds how it is. You're having a real visceral reaction to a monotopia.
You're right to. Thank you.
You shouldn't kink shame, but you can kink shame gooners. Wait, can I ask you a perverted question? Yeah.
Do you have any interest in, and it'd have to be someone you were very attracted to. Okay.
If you had the opportunity to watch a live stream of them gooning, would you watch? Jude Law is going to goon. He's going to have a live on the second Instagram.
He's ready to blow up his career. Jude the Goon Law.
Oh, no. He's had enough of that.
He's done all there was to do. Okay.
He's done it all. Okay.
I would watch for a little and see if I wanted to keep going. I can't say now that I would stick for the whole day.
The whole day. You wouldn't last more.
Listen, as a man who has masturbated throughout his life, I can assure you that even someone you're really into, after a few minutes, you're like, okay, shame on you.

Right.

It's gone too far.

There's people who need help in the world.

You're wasting your life.

I'm wasting my life.

Peace out.

Yeah.

You know what's sad?

Tell me.

But I'll be honest.

You're right.

If I was watching a live stream, that's probably a no-go.

But if I thought it was about me.

Yeah.

Right.

I'd be more into. Well, he would be holding a photo of you in this scenario.
He wouldn't be looking right at her. Yeah, I don't know where he's looking at a photo.
He's a real pervert. A tasteful bathing suit shot of Monica or her eyes.
I like to look at photos of women I'm in the room with and masturbate for 12 hours. I'm an insane person, by the way.
Oh my God. Somebody has that.
I think this is an old Patton Oswalt joke, but it was something like, no matter what your kink or your fetish is and you think it is so dark and weird and wrong, there is a online magazine dedicated to it. There is a guy sitting around a table saying, this is the worst issue of wiffle ball fuckers we've ever made.
Okay, so as you point out, Celebrity Jeopardy, it's just not at the same level as regular Jeopardy. Nor should it be.
You want to have celebrities having fun, it's for charity. So the questions are, I would say, 30% easier than your typical Kevin Jeopardy question.
Right, and we want to hear from everyone, too. So we've got to open it up.
It's not like we want to invite Julia Louise Dreyfus and then we don't hear from her. No.
Right. It's a waste.
I don't know why I use her as an example. She's very smart.
She's very smart. Would probably do very well.
Would actually be very good. If you're listening to this, Julia, sign up for Celebrity Jeopardy.
Now, what's incredible timing wise is he wins the celebrity tournament right as they change the rules. And that allows him to enter the real tournament of champions like mount olympus which i watch every tournament of champions i get starstruck when i see these people and stuff so i was yes very honored yeah so what went through your mind michael davies who produces a show great guy was like hey we want you to be in this tournament champions and i was so flattered but also instantly acknowledged the fact that there was going to be zero chance

that I would not come in last place.

And I just kind of designated myself as the mascot.

Literally showing up that day,

I remember saying to myself, just have fun.

That's the best you're going to get out of this.

And I would love to not end up in the negative.

I was confident that that wouldn't happen.

He enters the quarterfinals is where it starts.

And one of the contestants, Ray Lalonde. Ray Lalonde.
He won 13 games in a row. Oh, my God.
And Ike bit him over and fucked him. I did.
Listen, it was bad. A, I am married.
And I'm in a happy marriage. And he's a nice older man, and I shouldn't have done that.
But I beat him. Ike won.
And also, the other contestant was no slouch. She's amazing, too.
It was crazy. I had a couple moments in the game where I got a little lucky.
I had a daily double again that helped me out. I remember what one of them was.
It was numerical film titles. And so it was like 800 bucks.
It was a daily double and I was like, all in. Was the answer seven? No, it was.
God damn it. 13.
This Fellini film. Eight and a half.
Eight and a half. So I knew it.
I had enough juice to kind of be competitive into the film. You had a big stack now playing poker.
Got the confidence. You got the chips.
You got the swagger. You got the looks.
You got the height. Got my lips on.
Going to Final Jeopardy, I was like, okay, maybe this could happen. And then the category for Final Jeopardy, it was Roman poets.
And you felt good about that? No. I felt fucking terrible.
I was like, it's over. Instantly, I was like, okay, I know two Roman poets.
Which are they? What if you go, I know one? Well, at first, I was like, I know one, Virgil. But then I was like, then there's Ovid.
Oh, I don't know Ovid. You're good.
Ovid, like, I was sure, like, what made me think of Ovid? I wish you developed a list when you got really smart, because you almost said, you go, Ovid? Like, you almost? The thing about Ovid is, I knew that he was active around 100 CE and just turned into a different person. You definitely see your Hellenic studies side of your brain, and then this is a whole new, you have a list.
I remember he was exiled. So, you've seen Eyes Wide Shut.
Remember the scene when they go to Sidney Pollack's huge, beautiful Christmas party and they get separated? That really cheesy guy walks up to Nicole Kidman, takes her champagne, and she's like, I believe that's mine. And he's like, my darling, I'm absolutely certain of it.
And he at one point goes to her, he's like, are you familiar with Ovid and the art of love? So for a second, like poet, love, Ovid came into my head. And then I read the answer and I was like, I'm going to go with Ovid.
So I wrote that down. And so then it went down the line and Ray got it right.
Of course Ray got it right. It went to me and Ken Jennings, who I'm obsessed with, was like, in Hollywood, do they sit around and talk about Ovid? And my answer came up and goes, oh, they do.
And I remember, I'll never forget hearing the crowd go, wow, this is so exciting. You seem like the biggest genius on earth.
It was crazy. They didn't know you were like, I know two, I'm going with one of the two.
No. They were like, wow, he read that and he's like, fuck, that's Ovid all day.
That's some Ovid shit. That's my man Ovid.
Bitch, please. Give me a hard one next time, Ken.
But Melissa still hadn't gone yet because she was in first place. And so she wrote Who Was Juvenile who's another poet.
That's a rapper too. At that one second duration the audience realized I'd won and then there was another like What a life high.
Like the craziest thing ever. The real win was going to the semis.
I had to go back to the next day. It was planning against another two incredible, Ben Chan, and I'm blanking on the other guy's name, but he was incredible.
And that's the one that's keeping me up at night still. Were you close? 50-50 guess.
Had I got it right, I wouldn't. No, you were ahead in money again? Oh, yeah, I was surging.
I don't know if I was ahead, but I would have won. Can you come back? I will one day, for sure.
Jeopardy is a huge part of me. I love that show.
It's incredible. But it was crazy.
The final category was something like Greek history. So it was another antiquity classical thing where I was like, okay.
And then this one was, this Greek writer wrote this phrase about whom? And it was like, our enemies, blah, blah, blah. So in my mind, I was like, okay, enemies of the ancient Greeks,

the only ones I'm coming up with are Persians and Spartans.

I'm just going to go with Spartans.

And it was Persians.

Good God.

So had I just gone the other way on that one, I would have gone to the finals.

So I will literally at some nights just be like, why didn't I just go the other way?

I am so proud of you.

I know.

This is such an accomplishment.

This is something.

It's a very fun thing.

I love trivia. And you know he didn't go to college.
That's what's fun is he's cobbled together in this crazy knowledge. No, I didn't go to college.
One day I had like a job, kind of like a custodial job. And there was a problem like on a chalkboard and I saw it.
And I just kind of knew it, so I wrote it down. And a guy who worked there kind of in an administrative position saw it.
And that kind of got the ball rolling. But I wouldn't say it's a goodwill hunting thing.
Okay, do you practice? You know how people can get good at crosswords by understanding how crosswords work? Yes. Is that how Jeopardy is where you can learn tricks kind of or not really? You just have to know it.
There are little tricks when you go on Jeopardy. A big thing is the buzzer.
I always thought at home watching it that the buzzer is just something you just want to ring as fast as possible. You want to ring as fast as possible, but you don't want to ring once.
You want to go Nintendo controller style. Yeah, because if anyone rings early, the minute Ken stops asking the question, it coincides with these little lights around the board that kind of go off.
And once those lights go off is when he stops talking, and that is when your system is unlocked. If you ring it early, a quarter of a second, you are locked out.
Locked out for how long? You're locked out for a quarter of a second. So it's that fast, but that's enough time for someone else to get in there.
But you want to keep doing it in case no one else rings in. So that was a big thing that I had to learn.
I really appreciate that rule that they have. Because when we are at home, Kristen and I were competing, watching Jeopardy,

a rule in the house

because I'm dyslexic is

you can't read ahead

and then answer out loud.

I need to hear what Ken's asking.

I'm like Kristen,

where I, for years,

just answer right away,

which is so rude.

People would be annoyed.

It's because my parents did that

because they were rude

when they would watch it.

So I've since changed that,

by the way.

Is that the last time

I saw your wife? We were doing Jimmy Kimmel together, and they were like, hey, will you do a bit, like a pre-tape bit? It was called Celebrity Hide and Seek or something like that, or Celebrity Lost and Found, I can't remember. And they were like, we're going to have a person off the street go into like a Hollywood Boulevard gift shop, and they're going to be looking for you, but you'll be hidden as part of the atmosphere.
And, wow. And we're like, okay, cool.
Camouflage. Camouflage, right? So we go in.
It was like a souvenir shop? A souvenir shop. There's, you know, half mannequins, the upper torso of a mannequin, and it was wearing a T-shirt that says Hollywood USA, and then a hat that says, like, the stars.
And there's three of them. One of them they removed, and I went under the table and was posed like a mannequin with my hat and my hoodie on.

And so I cannot move at all.

Kristen's in another part of it.

She's kind of buried.

So they find this young woman off Holly Boulevard.

And Cousin Sal is like, here's who you're going to be looking for in the store.

And he holds up a picture of Kristen.

She's like, oh, my gosh.

She's like my favorite.

I can't believe this.

I'm going to pee when I see her.

This is so crazy.

And again, she's 20 feet away. I can hear her in my earpiece, and I am right here favorite.
I can't believe this. I'm going to pee when I see her.
This is so crazy. And again, she's 20 feet away.

I can hear her in my earpiece and I am

right here and I can't move.

And then I was like, great. And then you're going to try to find

Ike Barinholtz. And she's like, I don't know who that is.

And I was just like, perfect.

And I can hear Kimmel laughing in my earpiece

because he's in the studio and I can't move.

Just coded in indignity.

So then she found me and like right away

I was like, how do you not know who I am? I'm going to send you blockers on iTunes. Jesus.
To continue the parallel. Now imagine that's my life.
I'm married to her. You had one mix up in a souvenir shop one day and you really remember it.
You have thousands of hours at Air Force. And I go to a hotel and the guy calls me Mr.
Bell, you know?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

As bad as I feel for you.

Try that being your all-day existence.

Is it my identity?

I'm like, you listen to podcasts?

I'm like the Kristen Bell of podcasts.

I see you got an earbud in there. What are you listening to?

Can I give you a good suggestion?

Because guess who doesn't have a fucking podcast from Kristen Bell?

Yeah, Kristen Bell. I don't remember her

interviewing Jeff Bridges, so whatever. So you tell me.
Anyways, yeah, we need more towels. Thanks.
Yeah. It's obviously not that bad, but there is regularly a situation where someone comes up and they want a picture.
And I really don't know. Do they want me in the photo or not? That is an hourly occurrence when we're at an airport or New York.
Sure, that's a rough one. I certainly don't want to presume they want also me in the photo.
So half the time I'm out, and they'll go like, oh, no, no, you too, but that's only half the time. Right, they feel bad.
Let's get one with your husband. You stand.
They're just trying to figure out how to crop. Get a nice gap between you and Kristen.
Last year, or maybe the year before that, we went to England for the holidays, and on Christmas Day in London, they put in their roast, and then you go outside. You go to the pub, and you hang around, and even though it's cold, the streets are really packed with people.
It's so nice. Very meat cutie.
It's very Richard Curtis. So we're there with my wife, and a lot of her families are like 20 of us, and we're in this beautiful village green in Richmond.
Hold on, I gotta ask you a very rude question. Are you flipping the bill for all this, or do they have their own? No.
My family? 20 people. Her family.
How do my kids pay for their dinner? No, no, her family. No, no, no.
They take care of themselves. Okay, you didn't have 20.
This isn't like a Muhammad Ali situation where I'm like, it's my cousins. 20 family members.
I got a round of drinks. Okay.
Good for you. I picked up a couple dinners.
Yeah, we're all there. It's beautiful.
And we had gone to Paris before that and it was the first time that I just had really noticed that people were kind of coming up to me. And I always wonder, oh, what movie had come out on Canal Plus? So anyways, Christmas Day, London, we're at this pub.
And this woman walks up to me and she's got that big smile on her face. And she's holding her phone.
And you know that look. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I'm like, hi. And she goes, hi.
I go, picture? She goes, please. And I grab.
I'm like, what's your name? And she's like, oh, Sandra. And I'm like, hi, Sandra.
And I'm doing the selfie thing. And I'm like, here we go.
How's it going? Merry Christmas, by the way. She's like, thank you.
And I go, let's do kind of a fun one. Oh, you really give a platinum package? Yeah, because it was Christmas.
Okay. You know, it was a day to give back.
So I give it to her. And she's like, thank you.
Sorry, do you mind taking a photo of me and my sisters? My wife has watched the entire scene. Oh, thank God.
And she's laughing the hardest she's ever fucking laughed in her life. This is.
Thank God. She's laughing harder than any movie or TV show I've ever been in.
She runs over to her siblings and she's like, you're not going to believe what just happened. She's pointing.
My loser husband. Yeah.
Then like the rest of the holiday, the young nephews and cousins would be like, do you remember when that woman, you thought she knew who you were? And I was like, yeah, I do. I remember that.
That happened yesterday. You felt the full weight of the tall poppy syndrome.
They fucking hacked you for the next five days. They got my ass.
I have a very memorable one just like that. I was in Miami with a friend and these two attractive girls came up.
It's important because it makes it that much worse. And they said, can we get a picture? They hand me the camera.
I hand it to my friend Scotty. And then I grab them.
I put my arms around both of them and get myself in the center. And they're both of me like, oh my God, what? And I was like, oh, fuck.
I'm so sorry. Oh my God.
And then the only thing worse than that is to then try to explain to them them you're famous and you're used to this. Yeah.
I thought you were a fan and I grew up on my fans. I'm really sorry ladies.
Anyways. I'm known for being handsy.
Do you listen to podcasts? No that's the heavy ground. This was 17 years ago.
I'm real. Don't worry I'm not scum back.
I'm here to Kristen Bell. Implicate her.
50% of the time people do want me in the photo. Oh, my God.
Can you imagine if you were not a celebrity and someone came up and asked, will you take a picture? And they got in the picture with you. That's what's happening in their brain.
It's scary. Wild, yeah.
This guy's either like a psychopath or he's drunk. I was eight years older than these women, and they were much hotter than me.
I don't believe that. Yeah, by a long shot.
Maybe they're used to that, to being like, oh, I gotta get to the middle. Yeah, maybe.
They were in Miami. I can't imagine it was the first time someone put their arm on their shoulder.
Yeah, I mean, you're in Miami. What do you want? You're asking for it.
It's the equivalent of, it was your fault because you went to Miami. Your Honor, she was in Miami.
What would you want me to say? Okay, you're still going to jail for life.

In Miami?

In fucking Florida?

You and I were too big to not be a leading man,

but we are not good looking enough to be the leading man.

Very true.

You can't make us the sidekick

because the leading man's sidekick

can't be towering over him and be bigger.

I feel like we're both in the same weird nether zone.

Yeah, I've played number one a couple times in my life. First of all, it's a lot of work.
Yeah. A lot of work.
You're there all the time, aren't you? It's not all cracked up to me. No, it's cracked up to me.
Early in my career, the thought of being cast as a leading man was just crazy. They were like, oh, are you insane? Look at his teeth.
You know what I mean? You smelled them? Wait, no, they can't smell on camera. This guy constantly shits his pants, which I've worked on.
If there's any casting direction out there, I'm not doing that anymore. This guy's a shit pig.
This tall Jewish shit pig or Timothy Chalamet. Oh, it's a tough one.
Let me think about that one. I would find myself as kind of like a second guy.
I love playing that part because you're going to be so reactive

and tune it up.

You get a lot of the comedy.

But I would describe us as weirdos a little bit

because there were guys who were our height,

like Jeff Stoltz, super hot guy.

The guy from...

Timothy Olyphant.

Timothy Olyphant.

The guy who Tim always says looks like him.

Josh Duhamel.

Josh Duhamel.

Timothy Olyphant told me

he had Josh Duhamel pose with his family for a Christmas card in some card. No way.
Fantastic. Yeah.
They get confused for one another. Yeah, he told me that.
I'm surprised. Back in the day.
Okay, yeah. I want to add, too.
I actually don't think that would be the case if I entered acting now. I'm much more attractive as a middle-aged man than I was as a 20-year-old.
Oh, I was not a dinkly. I was disgusting.
I was like a loser. I don't believe any of this.
Some men, it gets a little bit easier. You don't look as bad as you get older.
Exactly. And relative to your peers, you start looking better.
You take at all any care of yourself. All you gotta do is wait it out.
Yeah, sure. Everyone's gonna get old and ugly and you're gonna still stay the same.
This hair was thin in my 20s, but it ain't bad in my 50s.

Hello.

No plugs.

Just a little bit of,

what do they call it?

The gel?

No, I do the PRP.

I do the PRP.

There you go.

Have you done that PRP?

I haven't.

I went the first time

and it hurt so much.

It's just kind of waking stuff up.

And then I went back.

I just remember it hurt so bad

and the nurse was like, I forgot.

Do you like the laughing gas?

And I was like, that's a fucking option?

Yeah.

Yes.

So now when I go, you suck on it.

And you're like, do you guys watch White Loaded?

You hear the popping, but you can't feel it.

Mike White is a genius.

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. We are supported by Claude, the AI assistant that just feels different.
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And we always want to give our armcherries the if you know, you know tips. We sure do.
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You can try Claude for free now at Claude.com. That's C-L-A-U-D-E dot com.
Imagine this. You help your little brother land a great job abroad, But when he arrives, the job doesn't exist.
Instead, he's trapped in a heavily guarded compound, forced to sit at a computer and scam innocent victims, all while armed guards stand by with shoot-to-kill orders. Scam Factory, the explosive new true crime podcast

from Wondery, exposes a

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empire operating in

plain sight. Told through one

family's harrowing account of

sleepless nights, desperate

phone calls, and dangerous

rescue attempts, Scam Factory

reveals a brutal truth.

The only way out is to scam their way out. Follow Scam Factory on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.
You can binge all episodes of Scam Factory early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me.

And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours.
Something you possess is lost or stolen. And ultimately, you triumph in finding it again.
So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up.
They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.
You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Oh my God, when you're on gas, do you inhale the fuck out of it and then get too high and then have to start breathing through your mouth? I do the equivalent of lung chugging, where I'm just like, give me the good stuff, baby.
It's so nice. It's the only time you can do it legally.
And with medical supervision, it's like you're free to get as high as possible. And there's a staff there to bring you back.
But I'm such a loser. I hope my wife doesn't hear this.
We have like this whipped cream, this like nice whipped cream that's in the can that we put on the waffles. It's like ready whip, but it's fancier.
It's French. Whenever it's the end of the can and we're cleaning the kitchen, I always just kind of duck my head out and go, pop, pop.
Wow. You've got a nice three-second buzz.
By the time you got it in the trash can,'s worn off Then you're kind of angry Do you drink? He's one of these guys I'm so jealous of He has like the perfect relationship with all of it He can party when it's called for As you get older you definitely want to do it less Also they're just coming out with articles now Like back in the 80s they were like Doctors say you should day. Exactly.
And now they're like, all alcohol is poison, which is very depressing because I do love on like a Friday evening to make a nice cocktail, cooking dinner. Me too.
I love Manhattan. Oh.
Negroni, one of those. I love that.
But as you get older, hangovers, even if you have sometimes just two drinks, you wake up the next year like, I feel like shit, so it's not worth it. But he can take the right amount of weed as needed.

Little mushroom squares that people take.

Sure. Easy peasy for you.

Will you ever blow lines anymore?

No. That kills people now.

Because of the fentanyl? Anything that has a probability of killing you that's embarrassing,

you can't do once you have kids. If a 48-year-old

man dies of a cocaine overdose

at a bathroom at a friend's birthday party,

that is mortifying. And it's not even just three children, three daughters.
Three daughters. Not to be that guy, but it's like, I have daughters and I don't want them to know that I died on the floor of a bathroom.
It's also been so long. As you get older too, you start to settle down.
Cocaine is not a good drug for parents. But now the fun thing with drugs are they're so much more organized now.
They're predictable. There's people that are making them that you don't think they made it out of their sock in a bathtub.
Yeah, it's packaged. It's packaged nicely.
We went to go see The Dead and co. at the sphere.
We were doing the studio, and it was Seth and everyone, so there was a lot of fun things. They have acid that is in a little,

like a binaca spray.

No way.

And it's not like

back in the day

when you take

a little piece of acid

and for like 14 hours

you're like gone

into a dark place.

This is more like,

oh, this just makes me

dance more.

Oh, wow.

It's crazy.

Yeah, I took a little bit

and then at the end

of the night,

at one point I just grabbed it

and I was going,

and then I heard John Mayer

go, thank you Vegas,

we love you, good night.

And I'm like,

I walked into that casino like, I anyone have ether out of all the things I've seen and done drug-wise nothing messes people up more than eating weed Seth just said that if you eat too much weed you think you are going to die I one time when I lived in Amsterdam, man, I took paparazzi. I had no idea what the dosage was.
And we decided to drive to the airport. Sure.
Because there was a Burger King there that was open. Okay.
And my friends, we pulled up two like arrivals. I go, I need to wait in the car.
I can't go in. And they're like, okay.
And then right as they walk away, I was like, I'm going to get murdered in the car.

So I locked the doors and then passed out.

So they came back and for like an hour was banging on the door.

You have like real panic attacks and stuff.

So don't eat too much wheat.

I don't know if I told you this in 2018, your first interview, but the highest I've ever been where I was losing huge chunks of time was me and my three friends in Amsterdam, space cake, and it was poppy seed loaf. Yeah.
And it was just straight delicious. And we were hungry and we ate one.
And then I was like, we'll have another. And they're like, you shouldn't have another.
And I'm like, we'll be fine. They're so delicious.
I was just eating for the taste. Yeah, that's the worst.
And we got into this insane cycle. We made it back to our hostel and we were all sitting on bar stools, and I noticed all of a sudden I had been staring at the bartender, and I go like, oh, why didn't I draw something? And I turn and I look, and all three of my friends are also staring at the bartender with the same look on their face.
Three morons. They have four idiots from Detroit.
I go, oh my god, guys, look at your faces. And everyone goes, were you doing that too? I just leapt forward to the same look on my face, same staring, look over, they're doing it again.
And we were just in this insane cycle that was madness. That's where he came up with his character, the Mediocracy, which I just rewatched.
It ages like a Bordeaux. Oh, it's getting better.
Better and funnier. And I totally forgot at the beginning, the scientist is turning into a pimp kind of.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's obsessed with Upgrade.
You always forget that part. It's seeping into my top ten.
It is the greatest movie. It's so goddamn funny.
I don't think I've watched it since I first watched it, but the thing that I loved most from the script and while we were shooting it is my favorite stuff was all the ads. If you don't smoke Carleton's, fuck you.
Fuck you. Or that Fuddruckers had become buttfuckers and that they're showing the passage of time of how the thing iterated into buttfuckers.
David Herman was killing me in this one. The movie's amazing and you should rewatch it.
Treat yourself. Watch it with your kids.
Do your kids watch any of the stuff you do? Yeah, we showed them Hit and Run the other day. Oh, okay.
Because it's such a neat period of time for Chris and I. We made this movie for a million dollars.
It's about being in love. Because if they've seen us and stuff together, I'm the asshole and went in Rome annoying her.
I kind of wanted them to see something romantic. Yeah, just nice about their parents.
That's very sweet. How about you? I just started to I mean, there was a lot of stuff that just are rated comedies.
You can't show them, but not too long ago they started watching the Mindy Project. Mindy Kaling was on here, by the way.
Yes, she was. She had the best time.
Was that the report? That was the report. Literally, as she was leaving text to me.
We know that you shitmouthed us a little bit. What did I say? Yeah, snacks.
You told her to bring snacks because it's long. I said bring snacks.
You're like, uh-oh. And also hydrate.
That's pretty good. Make sure you're hydrated.
You're going to sleep about 12 hours the next morning. Bring a toothbrush because you're going to take a nap at some point.
No, she loved it. It was so exciting.
She does not do a lot of podcasting. We've been begging for seven years.
Oh, my God, literally seven years. We did our show together.
So the other thing is, yours was a little longer. You had a hot five years on camera.
And then you were kind of out of the business. Yes, Matt TV was like young guy doing it.
And then promising. No one would cast me.
I would test for pilot after pilot and it would be me against four guys who were either much better looking. They'd be watching the table like, do you feel like you could smell him? I feel like I could smell him.
Listen, I'm like, this guy, I heard he's a Jewish shit pig. But then you pivot and you start writing.
And this is the same with me. I had like a really hot three or four years punk idiocracy.
And then really, I don't know if I can get hired for anything. And then I just go to writing.
And then I have a script under development at Imagine. And while I'm in a note session on that script, they're casting Parenthood.
David Nevins happens to say, boy, he would be a great Crosby. And then I'm kind of back into acting.
That's amazing. We have the same exact story, right? It is, yeah.
My David Nevins was Mindy. Yeah.
Who was like, these guys wrote a script that I like, and I have my own show that we're starting. Me and Dave Stassen.
And then she was like, oh, you should be on the show. And then she created this character.
A lot of those things I haven't watched in 10 plus years. Yeah, right.
Now that my kids are watching it. Do you cry? I did cry at one scene just because I remember shooting it.
It was being very emotional. It was right around when my kid was born.
But it really was great to watch and kind of laugh because it's such a funny, funny show where all the characters are the perfect amount of dumb and vapid, but also very kind of sweet. So it's really nice to go back.
And then I pushed it one night where my older one was on the couch and we're flipping through HBO and Neighbors was on.

And just in my mind, I was like, I'm watching a little bit of Neighbors.

Erica came down.

She's like, are you fucking crazy?

Yeah, I know.

And then two minutes later, she had gone to bed and I look and it's Dave Franco's bare butt.

Pumping away.

Just pumping.

And I was just like, oh, right.

I did that two weekends ago in a hotel with Delta and Sarah Marshall was on. Okay.
And I'm like, oh, this could be fun. This is mom and a balls-of-the-wall comedy.
One of the funniest movies ever. I agree.
And I don't think of all the things they've seen her in, they haven't seen her in a fucking hard-hitting comedy. And same thing, it starts and all of a sudden Jason's dick is out and the towel's up.
And then I'm even telling myself, like, we're not hung up on nudity in my family. So that's whatever.
And then as it goes on, I'm like, no, I don't think this is the right. Yeah.
I wish we weren't hung up about nudity, but my 11 year old who's like going on 15, she'll come into my bathroom. Yeah.
When I am coming out of my shower and will look at me and go, ugh. And I'm like, what are we doing? Why are you doing this? This is so mean.
I don't go to your bathroom and evaluate your body. Yeah, what the hell? It's very pointed and just like, ugh.
She's disgusted. Disgusted.
I get it, but I'm like, just please internalize that. Do you know what our older daughter asked Kristen at one point? She said, why do you and daddy's birds, it's universal in my house, it can be male or female.
Why do you and daddy's birds look so old? Oh. That's a tough one.
You're like, I don't know, and you Google dickoplasty. Yeah, exactly.
Dick lift Los Angeles. I luckily wasn't a part of the conversation.
I was like, the testicles? I can tell you now, it's the testicles. Yeah, I guess I didn't need to ask.
Those things do not age well. They're the opposite of idiocracy.
They just get bigger and longer. Stretchier.
Oh, God. You're losing plasticity, but you're also gaining it there.
It's the worst. What age do you think you have to stop being naked around your kids? It was never a thing.
Obviously, it's probably a little different when it's intersex. So probably like when they become teenagers, when they start going through puberty.
But the minute I get roasted. Right.
Now you're insecure. Oh, yeah.
So now I get out of the shower quickly. Peek around.
Yeah. We're past the point now.
My policy is they'll decide that. Because in Europe, they don't give a fuck.
They're nude. They go to dinner nude.
I'm aiming for that. You know, in Europe, they don't start dinner nude until 10 p.m.
sometimes. Dinner nude.
I will say, every once in a while, you'll shower with one of the kids, you know, like in a hotel. Well now wear underwear.
Because for the little one, especially she's at like dick height. And like, I don't need to be like washing her hair and her to be like, you know what I mean? Staring at an elephant.
Forget it. So that I wear underwear for, which is, I think I would recommend.
That feels more perverted for you to wear underwear in a shower. If I walk out and I saw a man and his daughter and he was wearing tighty-whities.
I'd be like, what's happening? Do you need protection? You look like David Cross at Arrested Development. Yeah.
I'm a never-nude. You're probably sick of talking about this, but it is still so exciting.
And it's his fault because he keeps popping up. But your dad, Alan.
Oh my God. We've been along for this whole ride because we were big jury duty fans.
Oh, it was so good. And he was phenomenal.
And then I see him immediately in Running Point. Running Point, yes.
He plays a family lawyer. Kisses Kate Hudson.
No! Oh, good for him. We wrote the character to be a vuncular older man who's very touchy and stuff.
And so we were shooting him. He's kind of kissing Thoreau and Scotty MacArthur.
He's kissing him on the forehead. And Kate Hudson, who's so game for any comedy thing, she's like, hey, on this next take, he should probably kiss me on the lips.
So I go, you got to kiss Kate on the lips. He goes, I cannot do that.
He said he killed it. That would be inappropriate.
And I go, no, it's her idea. He goes, oh.
So now in the show, there's like a big fat smooch on the lips. And he tells everyone.
He's like, yeah, Kate Hudson's a star. And I'm like, good for him.
That is so cute. He's 70.
72. He's living his best life right now.
He's in the studio, too. I saw him in the studio.
He is a working actor now. He is.
He's the opposite of a Nepo baby. He's a Nepo dad.
He's a Nepo daddy. That's something you can really get behind.
Yeah, I like that. And you said you were striking and you brought him along.
It was crazy. I brought him to the picket line one day and he sees Titus Williver, right? Now, Bosch to fathers.
It's Joseph Smith to a Mormon. Right.
It's everything. So he's a super tough cop who's a little bit woke, but also likes jazz.
Just like me. He calls people slurs, but he's on the right side of justice.
Like, I love him. He's helping them and insulting them.
Yeah. So we see Bosh, and my dad is just, like, losing his mind.
Sure. And then Bosh learns who he is, and Bosh's like, oh.
They talked. They were so excited.
What was better for him, getting approached by Bosh or kissing Kate Hudson? That's a real tough one. We might need to call him.
I think, honestly, Bosh. Kissing Kate, I don't think he had any illusion that she was going to dump Danny and they were going to end up together and then he could really get to Goldie.
As I say it, that is a plan though. Do you think though in his mind he was like, Becky might let me.
Maybe in his mind he's like, well my wife, I don't know if she understands the concept of a hall pass but if I were to explain it to her and Kate Hudson was on board, yeah, this could work. She would want this for me.
She would be happy for me. I do think that in his mind, there's definitely a kernel of like, what if me and Bosch become friends? What if I'm on the show? You know what I mean? Is it still running? Bosch? Oh, they got Bosch Legacy out now, dude.
They will always be here. There'll be spinoffs and stuff.
As long as there's crime in LA, Bosh is here to clean it up. I have a bone

to pick with you, which is

simply, I begged you to do a podcast with

us. And you didn't.
I only think

about it every day. And then, lo and behold,

Polar's here to promote her

podcast, and I come to find out

you definitely said yes to her when she had an idea.

I did. Chris Chapman, do-over.

Chris Chapman, do-over. Here's what happened.
When you came to me years

ago, and you're like, you should do a podcast. It would be really

fun. And I was like, I'm too busy

doing bullshit.

I'm too busy doing bullshit. And now I'm like, oh my God, you could have had a podcast.
I can't start one now in 2025. But Poehler came to me and she had such a funny idea.
First of all, you can't say no to her. I love her.
And her take on it was great though. She was like, I want to figure out a way for us to improvise without having to go on stage at 8.30 at night and have people filming it and putting it online.
What's a way for us just to riff? Because that is something that I miss. Even though improv is coming back, there's a lot of good improv in LA right now.
Live improv at Largo, Dinosaur Improv with Paul Scheer, the last improv show. So we came up with this idea to do like a take on a podcast that would exist in the manosphere a little bit, inspired by lots of different people.
As you say, repeating conspiracy theories, having medical advice. Yeah, a lot of talking about clips of things that you watched online.
It really is inspired by lots of different people. So we came up with a crew and we spent this incredible two weeks where we taped like eight episodes of this fake podcast.
That is so much fun. It is so funny.
The company, I don't know if I should say this, because they were so wonderful who made it, but the week mine came out, they were like, we're going out of business. We never really got a chance to do a big promotion, but it's still out there.
Just to get to be very confidently wrong is a very fun energy to play. Like Catherine O'Hara one time said, play confident and stupid, and it is the magic sauce.
So getting to do that, and again, we also had Neil Casey, who's one of the funniest guys, and Lisa Gilroy. She's an improviser and an actor, and she is so hardcore funny.
One of the best improvisers I've ever seen in my life. Oh my God.
Basically, the premise of the podcast was, I got canceled, the podcast went away, and a new company said they will do my podcast if half of 1% of my listeners can be women. Half of 1%.
So I'm like, okay, so this is my new co-host. And she's so funny.
So it's such a fun thing to get to do it with Polar and sit in the studio with Polar and our friend Liz Krakowski, who's one of the great geniuses. It was one of the most fun things I did that year.
Oh, fun. Go check that out.
Chris Chapman, do over. Okay, one last thing and then end of both shows.
I don't know why I want to bring this up, but we had Bobby Lee on. I mean, other than maybe you, I've not had that much fun talking to somebody in front of a microphone.
How special is Bobby Lee? I did his podcast. It was the old Tiger Belly like a year and a half ago.
And it was like the most fun I had in such a long time. He's so wonderful and now that he's older and he's just very settled now in a weird way.
He was so chaotic for so long. He's always been one of the funniest guys but whenever you'd see him he would be a little stressed out and now he's so happy.
He's very successful and he is just one of the best and funniest. When I was on his podcast he really just spent the first half hour just apologizing for stuff that he did at Mad TV.
And it was just so grotesque. Oh, it was just like, I'm really sorry that one time you were writing a sketch and I came in and pulled down my pants and spread my ass and shoved pums in my ass.
And I was like, it's okay. I wasn't offended.
He has this weird way of, in his apology, re-traumatizing you and making, maybe the apology's worse than the event. And re-traumatizing a whole new audience who never even thought of that happening before.
He tells a story about being molested. I don't know if you've ever seen it.
Oh, I know the story. Very well.
Yeah, all things are happening at once. It's so unique.
Yeah, he's wonderful. I'm actually doing his podcast.
Him and Santino. Santino.
Santino. He's Chicago? Sicily.
He immigrated here from Sicily three years ago. One of the only redheaded Sicilians.
First ever. He is Chicago.
Okay, so Running Point. Running Point.
You're a creator? Yes. See what's really funny? I was looking at your Instagram, and you had a photo dump from Running Point.
In that, Justin is wearing that shirt. He's wearing the gear.
And you know what? I'm so stupid. This is how fucking powerful Thoreau is.
I'm looking at that exact shirt you're wearing. I forget that the name of the team is The Waves even though I've seen the show.
And I go, man he did it again. He's got this shirt on that says Waves.
What rummage sale did he find that in a New Jersey? You thought it was like vintage? Yeah. Yeah, everything he wears is so cool and vintage.
He is the best dressed man I've ever seen. Just fucking oozing cool.
If I were to dress like him, people would be like, sir, you need to leave. I gave it a shot.
I was like, I think I can pull it off because I ride motorcycles. And I was like, you're not pulling this off.
You're not pulling it off. No, he's one of a kind.
Yeah, he looks like a European dude who's by himself on a motorcycle. And you look like a guy who's trying to get into the Hells Angels.
And he's written four or five really substantial poetry books that are good. Oh, that's good poetry.
It's fucking good. Yeah, he smokes Galois.
Oh my gosh. You smoke like Winston's.
But you created that. With my friend Mindy Kaling.
That's right. Never heard of her.
And Dave Daston, who was our showrunner. And Mindy approached us, and she was like, I have an idea for a show that's loosely based off of Jeannie Buss.
And had you met Jeannie before? I actually strangely had. My lawyer is friendly with her and took me to a game once and introduced me.
A, she's so cool and just lovely and nice. Growing up in Chicago, big Bulls fan.
Like, Bulls first, always. But there was something, as a kid, I loved Magic Johnson.
I just thought he was so fun and cool. You probably loved him from Michigan.
He and Isaiah kissed each other, if you remember, mid-court one. Right, which was the worst thing ever.
Which was like 87. That was like the first time I had seen two men kiss.
Monica, this is Michigan in the 80s.

This is a very different time.

It was so different than I remember when Travolta would go on talk shows, he would hug the host.

I'd never seen men hug men.

In our lifetime, we've watched hugging become a thing.

It was truly not a thing until Bill Clinton signed the 1995 National Hugs Act.

It was just, he would shake a hand or even back in the day, be like, how are you? And you'd try to hurt the other guy's hand. Oh, you'd squeeze the hand as hard as you can.
It was a test of your masculinity. John Williams said, my father created a pool supply company.
You'd pump it, you'd grab the elbow if you're really confident. Oh, the elbow.
And then the big smack on the shoulder. Try to put him on the ground.
The irony is that it literally almost full circles into gay. Oh, it is.
Like, it starts off so masculine and then you're, like, jerking each other off. Oh, yeah, sure, sure.
Hugging is a still new thing. You might remember this rumor when we were kids that the boss kissed his saxophone player.
This was, like, this huge rumor. Do you remember that? Bruce Springsteen kissed Clarence Clemens? Yeah, great.
You know everyone's name involved. Was that, like, a thing that hit Chicago? No.
Never got that one. Oh, I did.
People were like, you know Bruce Springsteen kissed his saxophone player. Oh my God.
I love urban rumors. I remember in high school.
Oh yeah, Marilyn Manson removed his ribs so he could suck his own dick. 100% right.
That was a big one. Which is actually true, I think.
Yeah, I found that out this morning. It was in the paper fact of a day.
I get a little email. Did you know I partied with him one time? Ooh.
Back when I used to do coke. Yeah, I can imagine that would be a prerequisite for hanging out with him.
It was pre any domestic abuse situation with women, so I had no ethical dilemma whatsoever. It was still in that phase where he had been in bullying for Columbine, and you were like, oh, he's really smart.
He's smart. His music's actually good.
I never went all the way there, but I was like, that's kind of intriguing. Yeah, no, he was like an interesting guy.
Yeah, and he had a ton of toot, and I was down to hang. I don't know if I told you this story once, but I used to be a busboy at Arnie Morton's on La Cienega.
Morton's Steakhouse. Oh, I love Morton's.
Still my place. I love it.
So this is like 2001, and before I went to work, I was at home, and there was a show on IFC that you might remember called Dinner for Five. Oh, loved it.
Loved Dinner for Five. And so I was watching it.
Jon Favreau was the host and I can't quite remember. There were two other people and then Marilyn Manson and then there was an empty chair.
So I remember going to work that night busting a table and Marilyn Manson walks in he's a big guy and he comes in and he sits down and he's with some slave or whatever. And he sits down and I was like, I got to ask him who did not show up.
Oh, great. So I'm kind of just waiting for the right moment.
And I start busting the table next to him and I just kind of turn and I go to him. Hey, excuse me.
I hate to bother you. Who didn't show up for dinner for five? And literally as I turned to him, he's just put like a relatively large piece of steak in his mouth.
It's going to be like a minute of chewing. Bro, it was like a solid 30 seconds of him being kind of annoyed and holding up his finger and being like, and I'm waiting for it and I'm waiting for it.
And it feels like an eternity. And finally he goes, Michael Rappaport.
Is that going to be cute enough in movies? I feel like we need more of those. That has happened to me numerous times.
Just took a way too big bite of a ribeye. And I'm going to need a minute and a half to get through it.
I need a little bit more, actually, because I've got to clean some stuff out of my teeth before I talk to you at this point. Sure.
But back to Running Point. You're a writer-creator.
You're on set for the whole time? Yeah. So Mindy approached Dave and I, and she's like, I have this idea for a show.
We love her so much. And the Mindy Project was the best gig ever.
It was the most fun. Me and her and Dave, our sensibilities just really line up.
Yeah, that's a great feeling. So we spent months with her eating gigantic sandwiches every day and just kind of breaking the show, writing the show.
And so then we're like, who's going to play this part? One of those shows where it's so all about the lead. And we had on our wish list, obviously it would be great if we can get someone like Kate Hudson to do this.
That's impossible. She's Kate Hudson.
And so sure enough, we got a call. Her agent's like, I read this.
I love it. She's going to read it.
And then she read it and she loved it. That never happens with a project now.
What always happens is you find out she's going to do it and then the last minute it, and she loved it. That never happens with a project now.
That never. What always happens is you find out she's going to do it, and then the last minute, it just doesn't work.
Yeah. Or she got another movie or something, but she really stuck to her guns.
I think she really saw the vision, and so then we were able to get this insane guest cast around her. It's a sibling workplace comedy, and so we were able to get Drew Tarver, who I am obsessed with.
He's pretty shockingly funny. He was also on a show with Caitlin.
That's where I first saw him, Caitlin Olsen. He's got the Bateman thing.
Yeah. When he's dialed in, where even when he says a line that's not even remotely funny, he still makes it funny.
That means you'll work forever. He was at UCB during my time, so I saw him on stage all the time.
Yeah, his essence is perpetually hungover, which is the best kind of vibe.

If you could have that, I mean, that's like a Bill Murray thing.

When you talk about it, like, what? What do you want?

And in real life, delightful, wonderful man. Scott MacArthur is a guy who we

had known for a very, very long time.

He grew up with him in Chicago, 40 years.

Literally 40 years. We knew him when he was four years

old. Remember when he was born.
And then we had the part

of the other brother. First of all, we had

Brenda Song, who is amazing.

Walking around in public with her,

the only other person I've seen that gets that kind of smoke is John Cena. People, when they see Brenda Song, lose their fucking minds.
It's wild. But then the older brother part was the last big piece, and it was a really funny part, and we needed to kill her, and we got Thoreau, which was just wild, because he is low-key, I think, one of the best actors out there.
Oh, totally. To have him come and do a big, dumb comedy.
You guys were both on Plumbers. White House Plumbers, yeah.
That show, I don't know why that one went under the radar. Kristen and I watched it a year and a half after it came out, and I was like, this show's a 10.
How funny was he on that show? Oh, my God. That performer, he played G.
Gordon Liddy, and he's talking like this the entire time. But it's so believable.
Woody with those big stupid teeth. Oh, yes.
But it was such a great show. I also think, too, it was right when Max, HBO was breaking off a little bit.
You couldn't sign in for a couple months. Yeah, you're clicking forget password, but it's to your old email that you don't have access to anymore.
But it was a great show. We're only going to do so much about the studio because we had Seth in, and it's probably the most we've ever talked about someone's project on the show because I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, blown away with the studio.
You sent me the nicest text, man. Oh, yeah, I was in the middle of watching it.
Yeah, it was really nice because you don't know. You work on something and you love it, but when people you know reach out, it really is a very, very lovely thing.
Oh my God, I loved it. I watched all 10.
Every day you'd show up and there'd be a new person like Martin Scorsese. I had to act with him for hours and hours in one-ers.
So the stress level is only compounded. After every take, I kind of stand there with him because he's one of those people that everyone's like, don't bother.
But I'm standing with him, so I would just kind of talk a little bit and then try to get out. So I'm not talking too long.
But he's one of those guys where he is as advertised where everything you say to him, he's going to say in the most Martin Scorsese way. Like I'd say to him, how do you like how we're shooting? He goes, oh, it's great.
It's French New Wave. You know, Goddard created that because he only had one camera.
So that's what the French New Wave was. And you're like, that's so fucking cool.
He said that. And do you feel like emboldened? He's opened the door.
Yes, so now I'm like being a psychopath who knows everything about you. Right in bold, you should pull out a list.
Well, I go, your favorite French New Wave was 400 Blows, right? Oh. He goes, well, it changes.
It changes all the time. I think right now it's Jules at gym.
You know, the first time I saw Jules at gym, I remember sitting there thinking, if only I can make a movie. The whole movie was the first 20 minutes of this movie.

And that's good, fellas.

And I'm like, oh.

But meanwhile, just broke.

I'm just shooting works in my hands.

Oh my God.

And I'd be like, bye.

Because I don't want to wear all my welcomes.

I gotta go. I'll be right back.

And then I'd just stand like five feet.

It was crazy.

The whole series, every scene, is shot in one take. So it's not like a conventional show

where we have our coverage. How did it affect your comfort in improv-ing? You don't want to be the person who fucks up.
And then has the giant reset. And that definitely happened a few times.
Everything about Seth, though, I don't know if it's because he's Canadian or the weed. He's the most easygoing guy when it comes to that shit.
Even if inside he's pissed, you will never see that. Because if someone would fuck up, he just right up and goes, oh, here we go.
There was one day where we're driving. Sunset Boulevard is locked off at 6pm.
So we can drive a 1958 Maserati and do a fucking whip U-turn and pull up into the chateau and the car just won't start. It's just getting flooded out every time.
And he's got to snake up that tight driveway. Bro, it is so high stakes.
If it were me, A, I would just be like, I can't do this, obviously. We'll get a stunt driver.
I'll be in the chateau. We'll do a cowboy switch.
I'll be on the floor. Cowboy switch.
And then if not, just use A, whatever the fuck that means. And the car's just flooding.
The second time it floods, I'd be like, all right, I want to have a little meeting with everyone. This can't flood again or otherwise.
I don't want to be hyperbolic, but I'm going to kill myself. And every time it floods, Seth would just go, oh boy, this thing doesn't work.
What are we going to do? And it was just like so good natured. So I was scared.
But again, the knowledge of knowing that even if you fuck up, they're not going to yell at you. In terms of the improv, it was interesting because I've worked with them a lot.
They're very improv welcoming directors. They really love to hear what you have as long as it's in character and on story.
Driving story, yeah. Every line is not advancing the story, I can assure you.
No matter how much the boom operator laughed, it's not going to be in the second thing. So they are very welcoming of it.
But some scenes we would rehearse for hours and hours before we even started rolling. So that was kind of the time.
Once you're in it, it's like a play. You throw in a new line and that affects someone's cue.
You're going to feel like a dick. Yes, because the choreography that's happening for these shots, which people might not realize, is there's like seven assistant directors with earpieces on cueing Guy with the tray to walk through, cueing the light cue.
If you fuck up one cue, it's Domino's. It's a huge thing.
And our DP, Adam, is just so active and running around. They built equipment that had never been used before for this.
So the cranes flying in. If I ruin one of those takes,

because I'm like, oh yeah, what are you,

Hawk to a girl?

Like I try to like cram in like a reference.

People are going to be like, fuck you.

It's kind of good.

It's like humbling in some ways for actors.

It is.

To quote Alan Partridge,

surprise me in rehearsal.

Ah, that's nice.

It wasn't like a big improv venanza,

which I think was very good for this show, but they still let us kind of flex a little. But it was great.
Just a lot of the fun, too, was working with directors, like Ron Howard. Yeah.
As an actor, you know Ron very well, and I have met him once before. But when you're sitting in a Sprinter van with Ron Howard, and he's looking at his lines.
Yeah. At one point, I said to him, we were shooting on Warner Brothers, and I was like, have you ever shot here as an actor? He goes, yeah, I shot the music man here.
He was the boy in the music man. Crazy.
It's crazy. But that part, I would imagine, is fun because once Ron Howard has sides, everything's neutralized.
He's as nervous about remembering his lines as anyone else. Status is evaporated.
It's an equalizer. Yes.
You didn't have anything with Ice Cube. I'm not remembering.
Did you? I shot with him the day after he came out on the Dodgers center field and sang for the World Series. It was really cool.
Years ago together, we did James Corden's show. And you know, you do it together.
For better or worse. For better or worse.
It has been worse for me. I walked out of Cube.
I was very nervous to meet Cube. He's an intimidating guy.
Intimidating guy. And also, I was obsessed with NWA.
I was obsessed with Boys in the Hood. Friday is one of my all-time favorite movies.
The Predators is one of my all-time favorite albums. Three Kings is one of my all-time favorite movies.
Death Certificate? Death Certificate. Trespass.
I saw Trespass in the theaters. I walked up to him and he was just like, oh, what's up, man? I've seen you being funny.
And I was like, yeah. Thank God.
That's really good. I'm going to go fuck off now.
Luckily, I think he thought I was Donnie Wahlberg. Okay, great.
I'll take it. If he thought I was Zach Braff, I can talk about Scrubs.
Oh, yeah, Donald's a good friend. Yeah, Bill Lawrence is incredible.
Oh, he's amazing. Oh, have you come up to me? There is a movie called Rat Race.
Remember Rat Race? Yes. Seth Green was in it.
Seth Green. There was a guy in that movie, I'm blanking on his name, who we kind of look alike.
The guy who pisses his tongue and thonges his. Akin to your LNX studies character.
Actually, if you look at the data, probably 5,000 times people have come up to me and been like, yo, man, love Rat Race. At first I was like, that's not me.
But now I go, thank you. Yes.
That's the thing to do. Same.
I get garden steak compliments, and I'm flattered to be associated with the film.

Yeah, I love the shins, man.

I found them, man.

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. now here's one bit of how the sauces was made that i'm curious about is there's this incredible episode called the war and you and chase go to war how great is she by the way she's incredible incredible she's a ce a creative executive so she's under you on this totem pole we have this rivalry a little bit you have a.
You're fucking each other over on the director you want for a project. And it's escalating, escalating.
And then it gets physical. Now, here's what I'm curious in the wonder.
I'd be afraid. I'd want to push and get crazy.
And then I'd be afraid if it was too much. Because at the end of the day, you're an enormous man and she's a young woman.
Yeah. Was any of that stuff circling? I was like, oh, man, they found the line just perfectly.
It went as crazy as it could get, but it didn't get scary. At one point, myself was like, I'm yelling at her and she's such a good actor and she's crying.
Yeah. And I'm like, I'm gonna look like a dick, but I think it's okay.
He's supposed to be a dick. I usually play bubbly and fun and comedy, stupid.
My pants just fell down. Oops, I farted.
Yes. To be really fucking like, I will fucking end your career.
Yes. You fucking stupid little idiot.
And you see in her eyes the hurt. You do feel like a shithead.
But it's real. But it's real and it's good.
That happens. And they want that.
I mean, your character, Sal Seberstein, he drives a yellow 911 convertible. Yes.
He is a problematic guy, I would say. He's snorting coke.
We watched the first episode with my daughter. No, it was a Khaleesi.
It was an even younger viewer we had involved. We had a seven-year-old.
And she's like, what did he just do? And I'm like, he did a drug cocaine. And she was really trying to figure out, did you pound it into your hand? The first time we did it, they had the real fake cocaine, which is, I think, baby laxative.
They say it's all safe. So I was snorting it.
After like three hours, I was like, I have a shitty headache now. It sucks your sinuses.
So then the next time they were doing it, Andy, our prop guy, was like, hey, do you want the real stuff or do you want to use VFX? Oh my God, that was an option. Yeah, it's the same thing of like, wait, you offer laughing gas? Yeah, exactly.
So then there was a lot of VFX, but I think when we were doing some of the Vegas stuff, it was so crazy for the finales that I'm sure there was real powder flying around, not real cocaine, but real fake powder, but it brought me back. Put it this way.
I definitely had the same reflexive diarrhea. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Absolutely. I remember I if I would do a big line and then I'd be like, oh my God, I could go shit.
I was so thrilled. I'm like, here we go.
Oh yeah. And then like 13 minutes later, why did I do this? Five hours later, you're like, I'm so glad I did this.
And 24 years later, like I need to change my life. Ew, do the bathrooms at clubs just stink? They are so gross.
Ew. So many substances just being excreted.
And everyone has diarrhea. A lot of diarrhea.
Hard drugs, especially back in the day. Yeah, I used to do ecstasy all the time.
Half the time it was half heroin. Half the time it was half meth.
You didn't know what the hell it was. But you knew that whatever you ate was going to come out very quickly.
I just knew I was going to be horny no matter what. For sure.
Oh, my God. Several of those compounds made their way into that.
I know there were some people that were like, yeah, I don't have any sexuality on drugs. And I'm like, come here, my male friend.
I'm going to suck your tits. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm going to massage your hand until I'm erect. God damn it.
Not anymore. If you and I knew each other in 2000, we would not be alive.
That's possible. One of us wouldn't be.
Why don't we be married? Don't rule us out. No.
Guys, I'm going over to Dak Shepard. You know, the guy from Punk'd.
Yeah, I got a big wrestling match with him. We've been wrestling a lot.
No, no, we're not hooking up. And then years later, you're like, yeah, we just adopted another kiss.
Yeah, fucking never been happier. Like, I do adore you.
This is number three. I hope there's like ten more.
This is three, guys. Who else is in the three club? David Sedaris.
I think we have five. I know.
I guess I gotta go write a bunch of great books. Possibly good books that I should write.
I love him. Who else have we had in that club? I feel like Malcolm's in the...
Malcolm Gladwell is up there. I'm the same as him.
Chris Tanafors. Okay.
That's a gimme. Sleep with her.
Seth Rogen did three. Oh, okay.
You're tied with Rogeski. Boom, got you.
But you've done a live show for us. That gives you an extra.
Hey, can we just talk about that live show? That was one of the most fun live nights of my life. I'm so glad to hear you say that because I went and listened to it back before today.
And I was shook.

I urge everyone to go listen to that.

It shouldn't be as good as it is.

You were so on fire.

You are home run.

So much fun.

The Archer audience is the greatest fucking audience.

Truly, there's nothing better.

There's nothing better than them.

And they came to that show.

They were so tuned up.

I remember before you guys brought me out, just like you guys, there's so much love there for you guys and what they do.

It's the greatest fan base.

I'm so lucky because I've touched into a lot of different fan bases and they're all so nice.

Positive, intelligent.

Yes.

But can get dark humor.

Yes.

Like dirty jokes.

Yes.

Got not offended by fucking everything.

Good people who like dirty jokes.

Impossibly good group.

So that was a party.

People should really listen to that one.

It's so funny.

You talking about fucking through the sheet and you did Obama fucking through the sheet. Obama fucking Michelle, I remember.
I remember that one. Secret Service called me after that.
I don't even know if the sheet thing's real. It's not real.
I think that whole thing was started from a Seinfeld episode. I think there's a lot of things that were like B stories and sitcoms and now people are like, yeah, no, that's true.
I'm sure we did it on the fact check back then and we will have to do it again. We have to now, yes.
It'll be apologies to all of our Jewish friends. All right, I adore you.
Thanks for coming. Thanks for coming.
Everybody watch both Running Point, which is on now. On Netflix, go Waves.
And then the studio, which is March 26 on Apple Plus. Apple Plus, go studio.
Well, you've got your dong in both of the big streamers, don't you? Oh, my God. I got a real garbage dick when it comes to working with people.
With the powerhouse streamers. I'm setting up a deal this year where I fuck Amazon.
Get some of those pesos. Boom.
Look at that. Look at that.
I was maybe going to cut it. Now I can.
You can't. It's in there.
She was sharpening her scissors as I brought up Jeff Bezos. I love you guys so much.
Thank you guys for having me. I love you.
Measle tough. I sure hope there weren't any mistakes in that episode, but we'll find out when my mom, Mrs.
Monica comes in and tells us what was wrong. Ike Barinholtz.
Got him. Got him.
Got him up. Well, I was with Joe Gillette.

Great.

We were talking about Jackie Tone on Jeopardy.

Oh, fine.

Which then led to me.

I tell everyone who will listen about Ike's.

Big win.

Incredible performance in the true tournament of champions.

Yeah.

Really cool.

Won the quarterfinals.

Almost won the semis.

Yeah.

It's a big deal. Yeah.
What a guy. Okay.
You fell in love. Do you want to tell people? I have a big story.
Yeah. Let's talk about you falling in love.
He needs to wait. Yeah.
He'll have his time. Yesterday was such a weird day for me.
Okay. You know in television? Yes.
I know television. You know about it? Yeah.
The industry? Yeah. In television series, sometimes there's an episode called a bottle episode.
It's an episode that's sort of a one-off episode in the middle of the series that normally doesn't really take place in the same location. It has fewer of the like regular characters.
It's sort of a one-off. It's a cost-saving episode.
Exactly. Yeah.
Yesterday was the bottle episode of my life. Oh, okay.
I had a bottle episode. Okay, wow.
Yesterday I had to, we had nothing. We weren't recording yesterday.
We had the day off yesterday. We had the day off.
It was going to be great. Uh-huh.
You know, I was going to have time to edit and get ahead. Yeah.
Me too. I was going to do research of Thursday's guest.
Yeah. Nose to the.
Grindstone. Grindstone.
Yeah. And, but I did have one thing to do, which is go to Santa Monica for my face.
Yes. Shout out again to Jen at Corrective Skin Care she's just changed my face I mean really taking you to new places she really is I'm so grateful for her anyway so I had to go to Santa Monica but side question sounds perverse but I am sincere yeah like men's butt cheeks not appealing.
They're like hairy and they just look terrible in general. Sometimes they're nice.
And you see those ones on TV. Like if they're good enough, you'll be a star.
Yeah. Do you think they could do butt, like really get your butt cheeks looking healthy and moisturized and like pink and appealing.

Yeah.

If you cared about that, I'm sure. But is your face the same as your butt?

I guess the skin is skin.

Skin is skin, but not really.

Like the issues that you'd have on your face

are probably different than the ones on your butt cheeks.

I don't know which specific ones you're referring to.

Yeah, I don't want to get into all the different things.

I wish were more attractive about my butt cheeks. But do you want like.
Because what's happening is my butt is getting bigger, which has been my goal for 40 years. Yes.
Through all this cycling. Yeah.
And I look at it in the mirror. I'm like, great.
It has the shape I want. But I want it to look like a male model's nude butt.
Well, do you just want to get it waxed?

You mentioned hair earlier.

I can only imagine.

I don't, I mean, I don't, but I do.

But I won't.

Okay.

Well, I think first step would be that.

Yeah, and then see where we're at.

And then some sort of serums and moisturizers.

But just also, my butt cheeks have never been in the sun

or very minimally have they ever been in the sun.

So they're the palest part of my body. I don't like that part.
Sure. Let's just say there was no hair.
Let's say there's no hair and it looks great. Other than it's just stark white.
Could she make it brown? You want it. I don't think so.
You could do self-tanner. On my butt cheeks? Yeah.
If you really care. Is there such thing as self-tanner or is it just a tinted moisturizer you're using? Or can you put a cream on that'll make the melanin come out? No.
It's just a tint. It's a tint, I think.
I mean, it might help. I don't know.
God, I wish my butt cheeks were brown. I really do.
I did for when in Rome, because I had so many revealing scenes and I was a male model, I was getting spray tanned the whole time I was in New York. Yep.
And I will say I was like, oh, I like that my butt is that color. That's nice.
You could get another spray. You could get back into spray tan.
Yeah. Look in the like Offer Up or one of these sites.
I use decommissioned spray tanning booth so I can do it at home. It's very embarrassing.
Why don't you just also you could suntan them? Yes, I would love to. And this is one of my grievances about my life is that there's so many people in my house.
There's never, ever. And I'll get agitated.
I'll be in my backyard and I think like, yeah, I have this beautiful backyard. I should be able to tan my butt cheeks.
No way. Yeah.
Dog walker walk in. You're right.
My sister. Oh, yikes.
Do you want to go to my house and do it? Yes. Is that available? Yeah.
Okay, great. You can.
Do all my butt tanning. I mean, I might randomly come into my house.
That's probably going to be an issue. The chances are less.
I guess when you go out of town. Yeah.
I'll do my ass tanning over there. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
Sorry, I interrupted you. So you're a face person.
Yes. Yes.
She's the best. But normally we're.
Normally. All circles back.
Circles. Oh my God.
Circles. Brown features.
So we normally are recording. So I have to go after we're recording, which means I have to do a whole thing, right? Like I plan the face appointment at 445 so that I can just stay in Santa Monica.
Get a bite to eat. Exactly.
Hopefully Molly's available. And then she cancels.
And then you don't want to go and you say, I hate it. And I said, didn't you love it? I thought you were excited to go.
Correct. That's what happens.
And then sometimes every now and then you talk on the way home. Right.
So this time, since we didn't have anything, I was like, oh, I can schedule it midday. And I can try to avoid some of this crazy traffic.
Yeah. So I scheduled it for 12.
Relaxing morning. Actually, I had a tiny bug.
Okay. So I went to bed at 8 the night before and I woke up at 10.
God, am I jealous. 14 hours.
I really needed it, I think. I still didn't feel that great when I woke up, but better based on the but anyway so i um go to santa monica your room smelled like ew bug plus 14 hours don't say that why couldn't it have smelled good maybe it did maybe it's not great maybe it's not even prettier in there after you know one time um delta came over we stopped by my house to get something when we

were going shopping and she came into my room and she said it smells like monica in here i love this smell then yeah she would have loved it should have sent her over to wake you up anyway okay so I go and drive there.

It takes forever, but it's fine.

It's fine.

And... Anyway, so I go and drive there.

It takes forever, but it's fine.

It's fine.

And face appointment goes great.

I decide I'm going to go.

This is an hour, 15-minute drive, right?

It's fine.

Then I decide I'm going to go to R&D Kitchen afterwards.

Oh, what a treat.

Montana Street.

Drive there.

Sit at the bar.

Have my delicious chicken sandwich. Have a cookie.
Oh, what a treat. Montana Street.
Drive there. Sit at the bar.
Have my delicious chicken sandwich. Have a cookie.
Oh, wow. Secret cookie.
They have secret cookies there. And I don't know if I'm allowed to say that.
Sorry, R&D, but that's what happened. Get back in the car.
I'm like, okay, it's an hour. It's saying it's an hour and three minutes.
I hate that place. I know, but okay, all right.
It's fine. Start driving back.
It's going to be longer than an hour and three, it's looking like, but I'm like, it's okay. I still have time.
I'm going to get my work done. It's okay.
Everything's okay. Don't panic.
I'm on the highway. All of a sudden, the- Tire warning light comes on.
The light comes on. It shows me which tire.
And I was like, oh, maybe it's just like nothing. Maybe just low air pressure.
And then immediate, it is dropping so fast. Okay.
And it hits zero. Mm-hmm.
And I was like, I wonder if I can keep going. Yeah.
I don't think it's smart. Let me pull over and see.
So I got off in Culver City, still extremely far. I had not made it very far.
Almost worse, maybe. Now you're in that tangled web of traffic.
Exactly. So I get off, I go into this parking lot and luckily my dad had forced me over Christmas to buy this basically air pump.

Oh.

And it's really cool.

It's digital.

You like plug it in.

It tells you what the pressure is and you can fill it up.

Uh-huh.

So it did say zero and I tried to fill it up and it could only get to five.

Okay.

So it was clear there was a big issue here.

Yeah, big gasher, big hole.

Then I am really like deflated. Defeated.

I'm in fucking Culver City.

Time is a ticking.

It's going to get worse and worse and worse.

Exactly. Traffic is just going to get so bad.
I don't really know what to do

because

big grievance.

Cars don't have spare

tires anymore. Right.

I mean, you probably could have driven

the surface. Okay, but I couldn't

Thank you. big grievance, cars don't have spare tires anymore.
Right. I mean, you probably could have driven.
Okay. But I couldn't have because I ended up having to move the car to another parking spot because this woman was mad at me.
Yeah. And then, and it was like so bad driving from one parking spot to the other.
Cause these are Run flat tires. The idea, what's it called? Run flats.
Sorry, run flat tires. It's the idea that you can go like 50 miles on low, whatever.
But that's not true. I couldn't even go one parking spot over.
Anyway, this was all horrible. I didn't know what to do.
I texted you. I called you.
You were on Kristen's set.

Yeah.

And then you were texting me some places I could take the car.

But I was like, oh, God, then I'm going to be stuck in Culver City.

Like, this is a disaster.

Luckily, my dad forced me to get AAA.

Actually, he pays for it.

Oh, that's so sweet.

I know.

It's really sweet. And he, and so I called AAA.
Actually, he pays for it. Oh, that's so sweet.
I know. It's really sweet.

And he, and so I called AAA and it says it's going to be an hour.

I was like, oh, I want to die, you know?

This free day was robbed from you, let's just say that. Yes, but also I'm like, but I have to, like, I have to get it.

I got to do work. What am I going to do?

Yeah.

And it says it's going to be an hour away. And then it's not, it's only 15 minutes.
Oh, wonderful. That's fantastic.
Turning around. Yes.
But the thing is, we decide, you helped me decide that the smartest thing to do is for us to tow the car to our area. Uh-huh.
To a tire shop. A tire shop.
To go see John at American. Yes.
Who you know. Yeah, who I love.
Yeah. You know and you love.
And so I was like, God, I'm going to be in this car with this stranger. I didn't even know they let you ride with the tow truck person.
Yeah. You can.
You can? Yeah. Wow, okay.
I feel like a big liability, but yeah. Right.
But yeah, so I'm like, I'm going to have to be in a car with this stranger for like an hour and a half. Well, I had already worried about that.
I was like, what if I Tonka and then I have to pull up? Like, what am I going to do? Anyway. So this man comes to pick me up and he gets out of the truck and he's like, what happened? I was like, oh no, this is already a disaster well he was like did you hit something i said i maybe i don't know probably yeah well no it was more like i don't know what happened sir i don't even know how i drive this thing i am just a little girl and then he said okay and he you know puts it up there and i get in his car then I share my location with Jess.
Because I was like, I just, this is uncomfort. Like, I'm about to be in a, that's scary to me, being in a car with a stranger.
And I was very skeptical. OK.
Even if they're working for a. I know, but you just never know.
And so then he starts talking immediately. He's chatty.
Yeah. You know, well, first he says, how long do you have to wait? I said, oh, not long at all.
Oh, good. And then he like goes into a very long spiel about sometimes people have to wait hours.
It's not his fault. It's because the line didn't train, you know, he didn't get the call.
And then his son calls. He takes the call with the son.
He's 70, you say? He's around, I would guess, 70, I learned. Although he's black, so he could have been 90.
Correct. Right, because they age so much better.
Yeah, but his son is like 30. Okay, so yeah.
Okay, maybe 65. I'm not sure.
So he then tells me about his son, and he's worried about his son, but he's doing good, but he's worried. He does have some mental health problems.
And then, um, we talked the whole ride. He's going three miles an hour.
Okay. Sure.
So he's concentrating on the chat a little bit. And I did think, oh my God, cause we, the shop closed at five.
This was around three. And I was like, I don't know that we're even going to make it.
So, you know, I'm having a lot of this turmoil of, oh, like, I just don't want to be here. Yes.
I don't want to be here. I'm stuck here.
This is fucking sucks. My day is ruined.
Terrible free day. Yep.
And, and then I'm like, I got to like, start doing email or talking to someone. someone.
And then he said, his name is Ted. Yeah.
Says, you know, kind of kids these days are really addicted to their phones. And he'll have a lot of people on that are just, you know, they're addicted to their phones.
And so I was like. Oh, God.
Yeah, he judoed you. Yeah.
I was like, I can't, I need to be present here.

And then he said some really sweet stuff about he likes being the part of people's day.

Like it's, you know, their day has gone bad.

Yep.

And he likes to.

He's the solution.

Yeah, he likes to help people.

And then I was like, you know what? I'm just going to be present for Ted.

Yeah.

Not going to answer the phone.

And then we talked the whole way.

Yeah.

And then he was so.

He really liked it. So, so nice and kind and sweet and lovely.
And it was a bottle episode. It mostly took place in the car.
Very cheap to shoot. Yeah, exactly.
Exactly. And yeah, he told me all these sweet stories about his life.
And I just really, really enjoyed Ted. Say what he said he asked you if you're well first he said first he he looked at me and he said you're filipino yep yeah and i said no no i'm not indian he said i i knew that i should i know this is where i'm jealous of people that are minorities because you're free to guess yeah yeah i wasn't offended exactly he's black.
You're like, great. Yeah.
And he was so good hearted. Yeah.
So am I, Monica. Yeah, you are.
You are. You are.
You are. But anyway, he said.
Hold on a second. Let me see if I can see Filipino.
I can see it a little bit. Yeah, can you, Rob? Yeah, I can see it a little bit.
You can?

Yeah.

Well.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, Filipinos have uncharacteristically big round eyes for Asians.

Sure.

Right, Rob?

Yep.

Yeah, we can say that. Okay.

Yeah.

Because Rob is part.

There should be an AI.

If people forget, Rob is part Filipino, according to him.

He's 25% Filipino.

My wife is half Filipino and her family's all Filipino.

Yeah.

And so you decided you are also the.

He's our resident expert on Filipinos.

Yeah.

So anyway, he, he had, he thought I was Filipino.

I said, no, Indian.

He said, no, I knew that.

I knew that.

He was really upset with himself that he had messed that up.

But then he said, yeah, but like.

Kind of like you could be anything.

I was like, yeah, I could be anything, was like yeah i could be anything you know and then um we all so he told me on these sweet stories and about blessings and you know stuff you know about india or no just in general blessings in life and he gave his step granddaughter who he's calls who calls him his dad. He's very close to her.
She was moving from elementary school to middle school and she needed new clothes. And so she asked her dad for money, her grandpa dad.
And he was like, I didn't know what to do because I only had 250 dollars in my bank account i wasn't you know doing very well then but i gave her 200 dollars yeah now you're like i'm a terrible person yeah yeah i thought oh like when he was telling me this story i really thought the world did this today. The world made me stop

and have a real conversation

with a real person

living a real life.

You got real challenges.

Real challenges

and is also like so beautiful.

Positive.

Has this great optimistic view on life.

And here I am like,

I can't go to my edit.

Like so fucking dumb.

And,

and.

My free day's ruined.

Yeah.

All I got was chicken sandwich.

And this facial.

Yeah.

So yeah,

he,

it was like,

I was supposed to.

He was a perspective.

I was supposed to meet Ted.

I really was supposed to meet Ted.

But he also go ahead.

I want to hear about the romantic stuff. I'm not done.
Okay I'm not done. Okay.
So he said, but it was a blessing. He couldn't believe it because the next day, also, there's a lot of in-between parts of the story.
A woman he was seeing at the time ended up taking the grandbaby shopping because he didn't go. He didn't want to go.

He asked the mom if the new girlfriend could go.

And then it turns out she needed a bra.

So he was glad he didn't go.

Yeah, that's.

Yeah, we were all happy for Ted that he didn't have to go endure that.

Yeah.

And then the next day, an old friend calls, just catching up.

And then the old friend says, oh, hey, man, you know what?

I owe you $200. He was like, I was shocked because I had just given this money and then I got it back.
And it was a beautiful story. Anyway, had a great, great hour and a half long ride with Ted.
I succumbed to the situation. I was like, you know what? Here I am.
You surrendered. Correct.
I surrendered. I came.
I accepted. You came.
I think that's a word you can say. So then, you know, oh, at one point he says, you look 25, but because we had talked about my parents, you know, we, we know each other so well now.
Yeah. Yeah.
Right. So he, he knew my parents ages.
So he said, you look 25, but you're what? Probably. And then you're like, maybe you're 35.
And I said, I'm 37. And he said, wow, yeah, wow.
And then when we were pulling up, I am glad this happened at the end. Okay.
We were pulling up to John, John's shop. Yeah.
And he said, do you have kids? And I said, no, I don't. And he said, oh, man, no, you got to have kids.
You got to have a girl that looks just like you. I was like, that's really sweet, Ted.
Thank you. And he said, but you have a husband.
Right. And I said, no, I don't have a husband.
And then he almost drove the truck off the road. Yeah, I bet.
He really was surprised by that. And he said, well, then everyone's dumb or blind.
There we go. Which was very, very, very nice.
And I said, well, that's sweet. But, you know, I was like, well, part of it's me.
Oh, good. You took a little ownership over this trip.
Yeah, yeah. I said, well, I work hard and I'm busy

and I don't really,

you know, date that much.

And then he said,

I said, so, you know,

part of that's me.

He said, well, are you tough?

And I was like, yeah, I'm tough

and I have high expectations.

And I said, and also.

What if he said,

do you not clean house?

Is that?

No, he was very progressive.

As you're about to hear,

I said, well, you know, also a lot of men are threatened by accomplished women. He said, I've been hearing this.
I've been hearing this and I really don't understand it. I don't understand why.
If you couldn't be with a smart woman, why wouldn't you be with a smart woman? Yeah, right. Yeah.
So he gave me his phone number and he said maybe we could go to lunch. Yeah.
And he said we could maybe go to lunch sometime. He's like, oh, my God.
I'm going to be dating this rich box. He wasn't asking me out.
He just wants to maybe we could develop some sort of relationship where we go to lunch. Yeah.
And I said, yeah, absolutely. And then I gave him a tip.
Okay, great.

And he took the money and he said, I'm going to save a lot of this for our lunch.

Oh, I love him.

I love him.

I love him.

He's the nicest person I've ever met.

Yeah.

I think when I told Jess the story, he said, this is when you do the review and you're like, Ted was great.

And they say, Ted's been dead for eight years. Ted stopped driving for us in 06 when he passed.
I know. He's like a ghost.
He's a ghost angel. Yeah, a ghost angel.
It was a beautiful experience. Yeah, I love it.
And I was really grateful for it. Good.
And I needed it. I needed it.
Yeah, you learned a lesson by the end of the bottle episode. You always do.
You gotta learn a lesson. You forget it the next episode, but you do learn it.
Oh yeah, this morning I woke up and I was like, fuck, I didn't do anything I was supposed to do. I'm not Filipino, you racist motherfucker.
I know. So yeah, and I decided to give in to the rest of the day.
I didn't do any of the things I was supposed to do. I didn't answer any emails.
I don't know why I thought of this. Maybe because this story is so sweet, and then I just naturally have to think of something terrible.
Go ahead. What if he had said, he's talking about the, and then I, so I sent my girlfriend to go take her shopping, and that worked out.
I was like, you know, but unfortunately, we broke up. She said my penis was too big for her.

Ted would never say that. Ted would never say that.
Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

I wonder if anyone's ever said they broke up with someone, though, because their partner just thought they're peeing.

Well, I think it really has happened, whether you would say that or not. Well, I'm not going to give too many details, but I do know a tangential story of someone who spoke of their ex-boyfriend and said he had such a big dick.
Yeah, I've heard that. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's up for everyone.
I think I'm going to say too big is worse than too small. Well, yeah, if it's painful.
Exactly. Yeah.
Yeah, that's a part of not best in show, but waiting for Guffman. Oh, I love that.
Where he had to get penis reduction surgery. I don't remember that.
Yeah, yeah. I should rewatch that.
Anyway, let's not mire this sweet story about Ted. He didn't say anything like that.
And he was a beautiful man. And I'm grateful I met him.
I guess my only update is I had a first date that went really, really rough. Wait, because I want to hear all about this.
So real quick, I do want to just say publicly, I just want to thank you for helping me. Oh, my pleasure.
Because you did help me a lot. It's rare I feel very helpful.
Your interests are not things I can generally help with. Yeah.
You're never calling me like. Like jeans to buy and stuff? Yeah.
Like, oh my God, they didn't have the sweater. Don't you know a guy? I don't.
No. Right? I don't know anything about any of that.
Yeah. But yes, if you have a tire problem, like on it, here's three places by you.
Here's my guy, John. I text John.
This car is coming. So get this tire already ordered.
That's why it's perfect because I don't need you for jeans. Like I have my own expertise there.
But when I'm sitting in the parking lot of a Sprouts in Culver City and I'm like, I guess I live here now.

Have you gone inside and get some Ted Seegers?

Fuck.

Shoot away and killed a couple cans of Ted Seegers.

When I think like, I guess I live here now in this parking lot.

Yeah, right, right.

This is my new reality.

Then it is very helpful to have someone who knows how to help get me out of there.

Oh, my pleasure.

So I appreciate it.

I wish you had more flat tires.

Not for you, but for my usefulness.

I only need one Ted experience like once.

Thank you. It's helpful to have someone who knows how to help get me out of there.
Oh, my pleasure. I appreciate it.
I wish you had more flat tires.

Not for you, but for my usefulness.

I only need one TED experience like once every 10 years.

Okay.

All right.

I'll hear from you again in 2035.

Anyway, so you had a great date.

I had a date.

Yeah.

Sunday date, which is a very fun day to have a date.

And my date was Walton.

Walton Goggins. Walton Goggins.
Gogled glasses. Uncle Baby Billy's Ball Bunglers.
And he had worked like 90 hours that week. You know, he's shooting Fallout, which is a real show to shoot.
I mean, he's in makeup for hours. He's on cables.
Yeah. So I think the mood was right.
Like, I think he was just so grateful to have a fucking day off. Nice.
And to chill and to sauna and to hot tub. And you never know how these first dates are going to go.
Yeah. And it was just really fun.
But then we got in a zone in the hot tub. I bet we were in the hot tub together for an hour and a half.
Nice. Just really.
Shriveled up. Digging in.
Yeah. Yeah.
Pruned up. And, you know, it was just really wonderful.
We have so many similar vibey things. So I think that's my full update on life.
That's great. Is I had a really fun date and I look forward to more.
And then I found out last night while we were texting that we both worship Wylan Jennings. It's just really going well.
You should watch his Architectural Digest. There's a video of it? Yes.
They do video. They do house tours of cool houses.
I saw pictures of the Architectural Digest thing. There's a video.
The house in the Hudson Valley. There's a video.
It's gorgeous. It's gorgeous.
He's so neat. He's like been obsessed, I learned on Sunday.
Like he used to just, when he was a broke actor, he spent almost all of his free time in these furniture stores of these really fancy furnitures and different like home decor places. And he just spent a bunch of time there and they'd say to him like, well, this is your like 10th time in here.
He's like, yeah, yeah, I can't afford to buy anything, but I just love this stuff. And then a couple of really beautiful things where the one dude was like, well, how much do you have in your pocket? And sold him something for crazy cheap.
Oh, really? Yeah. So he's so genuinely.
I used to go to lots of home stores before I could afford it. No one offered me.
You got to go 30 days in a row. And then they got to want to get rid of you.
And like, what is it in here you could walk out with? And then I want to see you again. Oh, how sweet.
Yeah, he has great taste.

Oh, yeah. Fantastic taste.
Yeah, what a stylish dude. Did you notice what's behind you, Monica?

Oh, shit.

Yeah. Okay.

Rob has an update.

Oh.

He went back to the coffee shop.

They only had one left.

He went back to the coffee shop

and he got this merch that says

Atelier BF.

Vincent was with me and thought

I'm sorry. had one left.
He went back to the coffee shop and he got this merch that says Atelier BF.

Vincent was with me and thought

it was for him and

kept asking him

when he gets his present.

Rob! This happened before

with us, Rob.

Did it? Yes, there's this very

similar... Oh, it was when

we were at

the Descanso Gardens calvin was there calvin he bought something or my girls bought something and they gave it to he offered it to me and then you had to go rebuy it right calvin i told him he could get one thing from the gift shop he got a lollipop and he gave it to monica yeah all right i knew i remembered it And then you had to sneak back in and give another. Your kids are the sweetest.
They are. It is really.
I feel bad that we aren't giving this to Vinny. He has a million stuffies.
If it weren't for that, I'd give him it. It's good for our spoiled kids to not get something every now and then.
But wow, Atelier Best Friend. And what is this? I think it's a Sasquatch.
The box says.atch the box says oh oh i keep holding up to me because i'm getting something i'm really getting something like one of three best friends oh oh we can collect oh i know what it looks like it looks like alf turn it around and stare at the nose it really is al Alf adjacent. This is mocha.
It says barista, mocha, and designer Fluffy Boy and Brown are longtime best friends. Oh, that's nice.
Brown. So maybe, okay, Rob is mocha, you're Fluffy Boy, and I'm brown.
Oh, wonderful. Wow, that's really cute.
You're both Filipino, and I'm still over here as a caucasoid um anywho well maybe one of my daughters will marry someone and then and then that'll make me 12% or whatever yeah um all right well we're a little bit on a time crunch I did do a yeah we'll save that'll save that for next time. No, we'll save it for next time.
Okay.

Okay.

So this is for Ike.

We just love Ike so much.

Now you said there's a saying 10 feet tall and something.

There's a, and then you said, and bulletproof question mark.

There's a song called 10 feet tall and bulletproof.

It's by Travis Tritt, 1994. There's also a ding, ding, ding quote from Eastbound and Down, 10 Feet Tall and Strong as an Ox.
Nice. Kind of a hybrid.
Yeah. Richest man in Mexico, Carlos Slim.
Still? Yeah. His wealth is fluctuated.
That reminds me. Oh, you want to do a crypto? A Bitcoin? Yep.
Boy, I wonder what it's at. Cost of Bitcoin's at $85,675.
That's a little lower? Or had it gone, what was the nadir of it so far? Well, I don't remember the lowest it's gone so far, but it's been declining. Yeah.
Okay. Now, what is EBITDA? EBITDA.
A company's earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation, and amortization. That's a hard word for me, amortization.
Amortization? Yeah, I don't know. I like to say amortized.
Oh, that reminds me. I went to Lauren Graham's birthday party.

Oh.

And her father was there, who we spoke about a bunch, right?

Yeah.

Who learned Vietnamese when he was in college and went over to Vietnam.

Uh-huh.

And I was having to explain this to numerous people I was sitting with, and I kept saying it wrong.

And I thought, God, this is so rough for him because he speaks it.

Yeah, and it'd be like if you were around me and you kept calling it Indian.

Yeah.

It'd be offensive.

And I try my hardest.

One neat thing he taught me about Viet News is that you can say the same five words.

Like they're the same five words, but it's your tone that changes the word dramatically. So you could say the same sentence, but if you don't have the tone and then it kind of explained when I'm listening to them speak, it does sound really kind of all over the map.
Tonally. Oh, interesting.
And that's because that's how they're changing the meaning of the word. Yeah.
I like that. He gave some great examples of where, like, the same sentence means this if you're up here, and then it means this if you're down here.
Oh, nice. Okay, is progeria when you're aging really quickly? Yes.
Rare genetic disorder that causes premature aging in children. I hate that disease.
I know. Who was the other person in Jeopardy semifinals with Ike? There was Ben Chan and then Jared Watson.
He was the other one. Okay.
Jared Watson. By the way, Jackie beat Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Stop. I'm so proud of Jackie.
That's awesome. Yeah.
He said 1995 Bill Clinton signed National Hugs Act. That was a joke.
That's not real. It's not real.
Okay. And I'm so proud of Jackie.
That's awesome. Yeah.
He said 1995 Bill Clinton signed National

Hugs Act. That was a joke.
That's not real. It's not real.
Okay. And I'm sad about it.
Yeah. I wish it was real.
Although an excuse for a lot of unwanted hugs, if it's a national, people are like, I'm so sorry. I just got to do this.
Honk, honk, honk. Aruga, aruga.
Tune in Tokyo. National hugs.
Yep.

I guess we did dodge a

bullet there. Okay, did Marilyn

Man... Honk, honk, aruga, aruga.
Oh, yeah. Tune in Tokyo.
National hugs. Yep.
I guess we did dodge a bullet there. Okay, did Marilyn Manson- You did, not me.
Well, I don't think you would like some person coming up to you random going, honk, honk, tune in Tokyo. Aruga.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that.
If they throw an aruga my way, I might be able to deal with it. Okay, did Marilyn Manson take his ribs out so he could suck his own dick? No.
To hear you say it that way is really funny. He didn't do it.
He didn't do that. Yeah.
It turns out he could suck his own dick with all of his ribs in place. Yeah, he didn't need to remove any.
What a bizarre urban legend. Did Bruce Springsteen kiss Clarence Clements? Oh.
Yes. They did.
They kissed many times. Oh, they kissed all the time.
At the end of the song Thunder Road. Clarence said that it just happened spontaneously the first time because Bruce was kneeling down by him.
They loved each other like brothers and it just seemed natural. Then I guess they made it into a thing.
Okay. He talked about eating a gigantic sandwich.
Right. During the writer's sessions with Mindy and Babe.
He was talking about that sandwich. He can sell it.
I wanted it so bad. And then I ate, I got a gigantic sandwich immediately after he left.
A Dagwood? No, it was turkey. What's a Dagwood? Yeah, you should look it up.
But it's just an enormous sandwich. My grandmother used to say, you want a Dagwood.
And it was just like, it would be seven inches tall with like lettuce and tomato and this and that. Tall, multi-layer sandwich made with a variety of meats, cheeses, and condiments.
But is it different than a sub? Dang. It's taller with just like regular white bread.
Like the house is on the border of Kentucky and Cincinnati. I mean, I don't think the bread matters, but like a typical loaf.
Oh, interesting. Okay.
Anyway, I think he could sell sandwiches like as a second career. Yeah, he could do anything.
Just by saying I ate a sandwich, like it really got me. Okay.
Who's the rat race actor who looks like Ike? His name is Vince V. Loof.
Vince V. Loof.
V-I-E-L-U-F. Is fucking through a sheet.
Hot. Well, that is no question.
Yes. TBD.
But no, is it a thing in the Hasidic Jewish community? No. Let's just put that to rest.
Yeah. It's not.
Let's bring it up in five months again. Yeah, we will.
We're a different guest. And then Mezel Tov, you say at the end of the episode, that's an old callback.
You used to say it all the time. Our early listeners will remember it well.
Yeah. I was on Twitter still.
You weren't saying it because measles had an outbreak. It was an old callback.
That's it. That was everything.
Okay. Let me shout it from the rooftops.
I love Ike Barron. I think he might be the perfect person.
He's a great person.

He's kind of like, remember when Jonah

Nolan rolled up and you're

like, this guy's a genius?

Same with Ike.

Mixed Messies. I love that.
We love

Mixed Messies. Yeah.

Alright, love you. Love you.
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