Ike Barinholtz Returns Again

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Speaker 1 Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Rather, and I'm joined by Leslie Stahl.

Speaker 1 My goodness. And for our third time is the charm, favorite guest by far, Ike Barenholtz, is here.

Speaker 1 He's an actor, he's a comedian, he's a show creator he's a writer he does it all the mini project blockers mad TV the hunt neighbors and he's he's a jeopardy guy jeopardy champion champion thank you champion

Speaker 1 and he is a creator of running point

Speaker 1 a show on Netflix season two congrats yes and he's acting in this most impossibly great show that I'm so excited for everyone to watch called The Studio with Seth Rogan.

Speaker 1 And he is on fire in this show, Ike Baron Holtz.

Speaker 2 And I guess we should say,

Speaker 2 I don't feel bad spoiling this. Okay.

Speaker 2 But Thursday, we had Wednesday. Oh, my God.
I can't, I can't do that.

Speaker 1 You're so spoiled.

Speaker 2 Wednesday, we have Seth on.

Speaker 1 Seth Rogan.

Speaker 2 Yes, to talk.

Speaker 1 In the capacity of an expert. Yeah.
Because the technical aspect of this show is so impressive and deserved a deep dive. And it got real nitty-gritty, deep dive-y.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so this is

Speaker 2 Studio Week.

Speaker 1 This is Studio Week. Welcome to Studio Week.
Yeah. Please enjoy Ike Baronholtz.

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Speaker 1 He's

Speaker 1 What's up, man? You're so fucking

Speaker 1 strong. Oh, God, thanks for newly strong.
I'm just out of the shower, too. I want to smell so fresh for you.
It is so hot.

Speaker 2 I also knew you were tall, but you seem extra tall today.

Speaker 1 I am. You grow?

Speaker 1 Okay. I lost some elevator shoes.

Speaker 2 You know what I liked when we had James Morrison on? He said he wore lifts. He was very nonchalant, but he threw it in there, and I liked that.

Speaker 1 Very confident. Yeah, we put a couple actors in lifts for running points.
Chet Hanks is playing an NBA player. You got to throw him in lifts, man.
He had more swag when he had the lifts on.

Speaker 1 He just had flooding confidence out of nowhere. That's a saying, right? 10 feet tall and something.

Speaker 1 I feel 10 feet tall and bulletproof. I never heard that.
Is that a a deck original? Did you just quote yourself?

Speaker 1 I'm going to tell you afterwards because it's so proprietary and novel. I don't even want to steal it.
But truly, you know, I was five minutes late. I was showering.
That was great.

Speaker 1 I was on pace to make it in time. And I started thinking of an idea for us.
And it was so

Speaker 1 you know when a real idea hits you and you're like, oh, and then it's immediately writing itself incredibly fast. You can't stop thinking about it.
I went into like a moment of flow.

Speaker 1 And you were nude, which I really appreciate. Stroking myself.

Speaker 2 Yeah, of course. That's where the best best ideas come from.

Speaker 1 This is a tick I have when I say that. That's how the Declaration of Independence was written.
It was a group of men masturbating. That Continental Congress floor of this place is like

Speaker 1 a goonfest.

Speaker 1 One big goon sesh over there. A goonfest.

Speaker 1 Wait, tell us what gooning is. I just thought you met a bunch of creeps.
Oh, no, gooning is very advanced jacking off. Oh, can you explain?

Speaker 1 It's like when young men who are kind of aimless will literally jack off all day until they are in almost trance-like state. Oh my gosh.
So it's a spiritual practice. Yeah, it's not something I do.

Speaker 1 I've tried. I just can't do it.
Your refractory period's like two days, isn't it?

Speaker 1 My wife was so annoyed. She's like, that's her daughter's birthday.
I'm like, hold on. I'm working on something.
But I first heard about this and then I became obsessed with the notion.

Speaker 1 And it's not edging. Edging is like

Speaker 1 getting to a point and then being like,

Speaker 1 right. This is more like, I'm going to go and then I'm just going to keep going until I'm just like, uh.

Speaker 1 yeah. I mean, this is a game for the youthful because truly, even if you, for a cabillion dollars, you had to beat a record, how many times do you think you could actually do it in a day? 50.
No,

Speaker 1 no, no. No, in all seriousness.
I know it's more than me, but I can't imagine it. 10.
10. After 10, you're so...
exhausted and disgusted with yourself. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You feel like it was just a piece of trash.

Speaker 2 Well, how long does it take?

Speaker 2 How long does it take to rebound? Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's what I think would become my issue in this hypothetical like 30 minutes or like five minutes. Can we call him Bezos's Bucks? Bezos's Bucks.
The Bezos' Beat Off Bucks challenge. Oh, God.

Speaker 1 Honey, I'm hosting a new show.

Speaker 1 That was my idea. We're calling it Triple D.
That was the idea? In the shower, yeah.

Speaker 1 Bezos beat off Bucks. Bezos.
How do I combine this? Everyone else is so tired of it, but can I tell you my favorite joke I think I've ever come up with? Yes.

Speaker 1 Did you see that Forbes just recently announced the richest man in Mexico? No. Jeff Pesos.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 It's so stupid. It's good, though.
Jeff Pesos. Don't do that.
It's good.

Speaker 2 No, it's like watching somebody open somebody's present. You said, this is the best joke I've ever come up with, and then we have to watch a reaction.

Speaker 1 I'm not even worried, though. Because what happens when you hear the joke is you go, oh, oh, this is racist.
Right. That is your mind, guys.
You're like, oh, shh.

Speaker 1 That's why it's a nice joke because it relieves the tension of thinking you're going to have to fake laugh at a racist joke.

Speaker 1 Then you realize you're racist for thinking it might be racist in the first place. Right, then you're almost feeling guilty.
And then the relief of, oh, it's worth it.

Speaker 1 It's a good one.

Speaker 1 That's a good joke when it traps you. Yeah.
It creates moral complex. What you don't want is someone to guess the answer.
Like, well, who do you call the richest man in Mexico?

Speaker 1 And they're like, oh, I don't know,

Speaker 1 burrito late. Like, you know what I mean? You're like, no, no, no.
Let me just get the joke out.

Speaker 1 God almighty.

Speaker 1 I didn't even model it out there. You just got to make sure you're not not telling this joke to anyone you think might be.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. Boy, I didn't even think that that could happen.
Yeah. Oh, let me guess.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
Let me whip through this. It'll take literally five seconds.

Speaker 1 Probably some people I would ask would know. It was like the telecommunications guy, right? Yeah, Carlos Slim.
And you're like, okay.

Speaker 1 All right. I'll talk to you later.
Bye-bye. But I am on the cover of Forbes this month, which is what I'm here to.

Speaker 2 I can see that happening. You're very busy.

Speaker 1 Very busy and very busy in the financial world. A lot of deals being made.
Just closed a big deal on the way over here. A lot of venture capital stuff.
A lot of VC. VC.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You and your business. That's what we call it because we're so busy making deals.
We don't have time to say that.

Speaker 1 ROI. What'd you say? ROI.

Speaker 1 Time is money. Time is money.
I've been saying that for years, and I love ROI, and I know what it is, and I love it. And it's a big part of my portfolio.
Do you know what EBITDA is? Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 I know what EBITDA is. Jesus, Monica, what's going on? Yeah, I know what EBITDA is.

Speaker 1 Anyways, what else is going on?

Speaker 1 Do you find on that? You get hit with these terms and I don't even know. It's probably 50-50 ego, but 50% yes.
I don't want to acknowledge I don't know it. I hate saying I don't know.
Really?

Speaker 1 There's a real freedom in it, but I really try to be a smarty pants.

Speaker 2 I'm surprised by that a little bit.

Speaker 1 I present like a dumbass, but in reality, I'm self-conscious of that. So I want to be like, oh, yeah, I know what that is.
Same thing. I read as a dumbass.
It's a chip on my shoulder.

Speaker 1 I'm kind of secretly smart. And then I can't possibly expose myself as being ignorant on anything.
And then when I do, I talk my way out of it and say, like, no, actually, I'm still right.

Speaker 1 And people are like, okay. Right.

Speaker 1 I don't know this because no one would know this. And to know it would be stupid.
Yeah. Like a lot of times with our kids, my wife will explain something.

Speaker 1 I recently learned about kind of how rain works. Okay.
I just thought it fell from the sky. And then it makes sense that some of the water is evaporating.
Minds that went down. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so I said, it comes from the sky. My wife goes, well, it also comes from bodies of water and stuff.
And I was like, yeah, well, both are right. And it's just like,

Speaker 1 who cares? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I should just shut up and be like, oh, I didn't know that. How old are your daughters? 33.

Speaker 1 Congratulations. 31 and 30.
Oh, wow. Do you know that's too fast for them to grow? Because I held one when she was a baby.
You did. You came over and picked her up six years ago.

Speaker 1 We've been giving them some

Speaker 1 progeria. That's when you're really big.
No, that's acromegaly. Progeria is, I think you're aging really quickly.
Reverse Benjamin Button. Or straight Benjamin Button?

Speaker 1 Well, Benjamin Button is you're born old and then you're getting younger. He's blowing off.
You're right. Yeah.
By the way, I don't mind being wrong to you. That's a really nice compliment.

Speaker 1 I think you're a one of one in that category. Honestly, we've done a thousand of these and you're never once a month.
Same as you, eight and eleven, then we have a six-year-old.

Speaker 1 Eight, eleven, and six. Soon to be 12.
Okay, now this is repugnant to admit out loud, but I assume you'll join me. Don't you love when they ask these questions of how things work or anything historic?

Speaker 1 And you're like, oh my God, I have value in the situation.

Speaker 1 As wonderful as that is, it is the opposite when the 11 and now even the eight-year-old is like, hey, can you help me do a very simple math problem? And I'm like, I cannot. I literally cannot do it.

Speaker 1 Like, I could sit here with you and try to pretend, but that's a huge bummer.

Speaker 1 But when it's history or social studies, government, any of that stuff, I am so excited to talk about it and really have to show up. You want to be valuable to them? Yes.

Speaker 1 We get older, you're increasingly less and less valuable. Now, this is going to come later, but it would be crazy to not address it now.

Speaker 1 There's so many things that I'm impressed with you for, but this Jeopardy thing has me like insecure and envious in a way that's just so genuine. If people don't know, you won Celebrity Jeopardy.

Speaker 1 I did. And before we even go on from there, there was a moment in Celebrity Jeopardy.
Do you know how wild your true daily double was? Like, do you recognize the stakes of that?

Speaker 1 Before I went on Jeopardy, randomly, a friend of a friend had won a couple episodes of Jeopardy.

Speaker 1 And he said to me, my best piece of advice to you is if it's early on, especially, go big on those daily doubles. The odds are you're going to know the answer, and just don't be afraid.
afraid.

Speaker 1 It was against my nature, but I went all in on California. He had $16,700, and he made it a true daily double.
He risked all $16,700. This was again in the final with Patton.

Speaker 2 How many episodes is it?

Speaker 1 I won the first one, and then I went to the next round, won that. And then the finals was me versus Patton and Will.
Right, so three games in a row.

Speaker 1 And then you know how daily double works, right? You can wager anything

Speaker 1 up to your.

Speaker 1 I know you know. And if you don't know, it'd be stupid.

Speaker 2 Maybe some people don't know who are listening, so you should maybe explain it.

Speaker 1 So when when you get a daily double, do you know what I mean? Daily double. And then you say how much you want to wager of your actual money.
So you could say $100.

Speaker 1 So I looked it up. I was like, I wonder if I set a record for the biggest daily double ever.
No, it couldn't be. Not fucking far off.
Someone had a $25,600 daily double. That's pretty good.

Speaker 1 That was what definitely won me that game. I tell my friends who are going on it, I'm like, go all in.
I told the great Max Greenfield, I was like, you got to go all in.

Speaker 1 And afterwards, he's like, I didn't.

Speaker 1 He didn't do it. He He held back a little too much.
It is scary because the thought of losing everything is very real. How many daily doubles are in the game?

Speaker 1 In the first round of Jeopardy, there's one. In Double Jeopardy, there's two.
But in Celebrity Jeopardy, there's three rounds.

Speaker 1 They're all daily covers. Everything's a daily cover.

Speaker 1 And I think I got at least two or three of them in that. Early on, if it's like a category that you know and it's one of the earlier questions, like a $300 question, you're probably going to know it.

Speaker 1 If it was astrophysics for 500, I would probably not do it. Math problem is what I was thinking.
Yeah. Or osmosis.
The whole category is osmosis. I'm true.
I wouldn't even know.

Speaker 1 One of the answers would probably be egg. Egg.
What is egg? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But anyways, I watched the clip of you doing that today, and I hadn't seen it prior to this. I was listening to that question with so much anxiety.
Do you remember it? Well, I know the answer.

Speaker 1 It was Harriet Tubman. Harriet, the Underground Railroad.
Right. God bless Celebrity Jeopardy.
Okay. Or they're just like, listen, celebrities, we have special brains.
We're creative. We're goons.

Speaker 1 We like to goon. As a celeb, you have to reserve the red carpet and gooning.

Speaker 2 Yeah, of course. That's just awful.

Speaker 1 That's going to be 30, 40% of the brain capacity. That's most of the brain capacity.

Speaker 2 It's like an automatopoeia. It's really bad.
That's how it is.

Speaker 1 You're having a real visceral reaction to it, Monica. And you're right too.
Thank you. You shouldn't kink shame, but you can kink shame gooners.
Wait, can I answer a perverted question? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you have any interest in, and it'd have to be someone you were very attracted to. Okay.

Speaker 1 If you had the opportunity to watch a live stream of them gooning, would you watch jude law is gonna goon he's gonna have a live second

Speaker 1 he's ready to blow up his career goon law oh no he's had enough of acting movies

Speaker 1 he's done all there was to do okay

Speaker 1 i would watch for a little and see if i wanted to keep going i can't say now that i would stick for the whole day the whole day you wouldn't last more listen as a man who has masturbated throughout his life i can assure you that even someone you're really into into, after a few minutes, you're like, okay, shame on you.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 It's gotten too far. There's people who need help in the world.
You're wasting your life. I'm wasting my life.

Speaker 2 Peace out. Yeah.
You know what

Speaker 1 I'm saying?

Speaker 2 Tell me. But I'll be honest, you're right.
If I was watching a live stream, that's probably a no-go. But if I thought...
It was about me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 I'd be more. Well, you would be holding a photo of you in this scenario.
Oh. He wouldn't be looking right at her.

Speaker 1 Or

Speaker 1 he's a real pervert. A tasteful bathing suit shot of Monica or her eyes.
I'd like to look at photos of women I'm in the room with and establish for 12 hours. I'm an insane person, by the way.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. Somebody has that.

Speaker 1 I think this is an old Pat and Oswald joke, but it was something like: no matter what your kink or your fetish is, and you think it is so dark and weird and wrong, there is an online magazine dedicated to it.

Speaker 1 There is a guy sitting around a table saying, this is the worst issue of wiffle ball fuckers we've ever made.

Speaker 1 Okay, so as you point out, celebrity Jeopardy, it's just not at the same level as regular Jeopardy, nor should it be. They want to have celebrities having fun, it's for charity.

Speaker 1 So the questions are, I would say, 30% easier than your typical kind of Jeopardy question. Right, and we want to hear from everyone too.
So we got to open it up.

Speaker 1 It's not like we want to invite Julia Louise Dreyves and then we don't hear from her. No, right.
It's a waste. I don't know why I use her as an example because she's a very smart team.

Speaker 1 Would probably do very well. It would actually be very good.
If you're listening to this, Julia, sign up for Celebrity Jeopardy.

Speaker 1 Now, what's incredible, timing-wise, is he wins the celebrity tournament right as they change the rules, and that allows him to enter the real tournament of champions, like Mount Olympus.

Speaker 1 I've watched every tournament of champions. I get starstruck when I see these people and stuff.
So I was

Speaker 1 very honored. Yeah, so what went through your mind? Michael Davies, who produces a show, great guy.
Was like, hey, we want you to be in this tournament of champions.

Speaker 1 And I was so flattered, but also instantly acknowledged the fact that there was going to be zero chance that I would not come in last place. And I just kind of designated myself as the mascot.

Speaker 1 Literally showing up that day. I remember saying to myself, just have fun.
That's the best you're going to get out of this. And I would love to not end up in the negative.

Speaker 1 I was confident that that wouldn't happen. He enters the quarterfinals is where it starts.
And one of the contestants, Ray Lalonde. Ray Lalonde.
He won 13 games in a row.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 And I bent him over and and fucked him up. I did.

Speaker 1 Listen, it was bad. AI am married.
And I'm in a happy marriage. And he's a nice older man, and I shouldn't have done that.

Speaker 1 But I beat him. Ike won.
And also, the other contestant was no slouch. She's amazing, too.
It was crazy. I had a couple moments in the game where I got a little lucky.

Speaker 1 I had a daily double again that helped me out. I remember what one of them was.
It was numerical film titles. Oh, and so I was like 800 bucks, and it was a daily double.

Speaker 2 And I was like, fallen. Was the answer seven?

Speaker 1 No, it was 13. This Fellini film.
Eight and a half. Eight and a half.
So I knew it. I had enough juice to kind of be competitive into the film.
You had a big stack now playing poker.

Speaker 1 Got the confidence, you got the chips. You got the swagger, you got the looks, you got the height.

Speaker 1 Got my lips on.

Speaker 1 Going to Final Jeopardy, I was like, okay, maybe this could happen. And then the category for Final Jeopardy, it was Roman poets.
And you felt good about them? No, I felt fucking terrible.

Speaker 1 I was like, it's over. Instantly, I was like, okay, I know two Roman poets.
Which are they? What if you go, I know one.

Speaker 1 Well, at first i was like i know one virgil but then i was like and there's ovid oh i don't know

Speaker 1 you're good ovid like he's and i was i always try like what made me think of ovid i wish you developed the list when you got really smart because you almost did you go ovid like you almost

Speaker 1 the thing about ovid is

Speaker 1 I knew that he was active around 100 CE and just turned into a different person. You definitely see your Hellenic studies site, your brain, and then this is a whole new, you have a Liz.

Speaker 1 I remember he was exiled.

Speaker 1 so you've seen eyes wide shut remember the scene when they go to sydney pollack's huge beautiful christmas party and they get separated that really cheesy guy walks up to nicole kidman takes her champagne and she's like i believe that's mine and he's like my darling i'm absolutely certain of it and he at one point goes through and he's like are you familiar with ovid and the art of love oh so for a second like poet love ovid came into my head and then i read the answer and i was like i'm gonna go with ovid so i wrote that down and so then it went down the line, and Ray got it right.

Speaker 1 Of course, Ray got it right. It went to me, and Ken Jennings, who I'm obsessed with, was like, in Hollywood, do they sit around and talk about Ovid? And my answer came up.
He goes, oh, they do.

Speaker 1 And I remember I'll never forget hearing the crowd go,

Speaker 1 wow, this is so exciting. He seemed like the biggest genius on earth.
It was crazy. He didn't know you were like, I know, too, I'm going with one of the two.
No. They were like, wow, he read that.

Speaker 1 He's like, fuck, that's Ovid all. That's some Ovid shit.
That's my man, Ovid. Bitch, please.
Give me a hard one next time, Ken. But Melissa still hadn't gone yet because she was in first place.

Speaker 1 And so she wrote, who is juvenile, who's another poet. That's a rapper, too.
At that one-second duration, the audience realized I'd won. And then there was another like, oh,

Speaker 1 like the craziest thing ever. The real win was going to the semis.
I had to go back to the next day.

Speaker 1 I was playing against another two incredible players, Ben Chan, and I'm blanking in their guy's name, but he was incredible. And that's the one that's keeping me up at night still.
Were you close?

Speaker 1 50-50 guests. Had I got it right, I'd win it.
No, you were ahead in money at that time. Oh, yeah, I was surging.
I was, I don't know if I was ahead, but I would have won. Can you come back?

Speaker 1 I will one day for sure. Okay.
Jeopardy is a huge part of me. I love that show.
It's incredible. But it was crazy.
The final category was something like Greek history.

Speaker 1 So it was another like antiquity classical thing where I was like, okay. And then this one was this Greek writer wrote this phrase about whom? And it was like, our enemies, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 So in my mind, I was like, okay, enemies of the ancient Greeks. The only ones I'm coming up with are Persians and Spartans.
I'm just going to go with Spartans. And it was Persians.
Good God.

Speaker 1 So had I just gone the other way on that one, I would have gone to the final. So I will literally some nights just be like, why didn't I just go the other way? I am so proud of you.

Speaker 1 I know, this is such an accomplishment.

Speaker 2 This is something.

Speaker 1 It's a very fun thing. I love trivia.
And you know, he didn't go to college. That's what's fun is he's cobbled together.
He's got a crazy knowledge.

Speaker 1 No, I didn't go to college.

Speaker 1 college one day i had like a job kind of like a custodial job okay there was a problem like on a chalkboard and i saw it and i just kind of knew it so i wrote it down yeah and a guy who worked there kind of in an administrative position saw it and that kind of got the ball rolling but i wouldn't say it's a goodwill hunting

Speaker 2 okay do you practice you know how people can get good at crosswords by understanding how crosswords work yes is that how jeopardy is where you could learn tricks kind of or not really

Speaker 1 know it there are little tricks when you go on jeopardy A big thing is the buzzer. Guy always thought at home watching it that the buzzer is just something you just want to ring as fast as possible.

Speaker 1 You want to ring as fast as possible, but you don't want to ring once. You want to go Nintendo controller stuff, right? Oh, really?

Speaker 1 Yeah, because if anyone rings early, the minute Ken stops asking the question, it coincides with these little lights around the board that kind of go off.

Speaker 1 And once those lights go off is when he stops talking. And that is when your system is unlocked.

Speaker 1 You ring in early, a quarter of a second, you are locked out. Locked out for how long? You're locked out for a quarter of a second.

Speaker 1 So it's that fast, but that's enough time for someone else to get in there. But you want to keep doing it in case no one else rings in.
So that was a big thing that I had to learn.

Speaker 1 I really appreciate that rule that they have because when we are at home, Kristen and I and we're competing watching Jeopardy.

Speaker 1 A rule in the house because I'm dyslexic is you can't read ahead and then answer out loud. I need to hear what Ken's asking.

Speaker 1 I'm like Kristen, where I, for years, just answer right away, which is so rude.

Speaker 1 Just people would be annoyed. It's because my parents did that because they were rude when they would watch it.
So I've since changed that, by the way.

Speaker 1 The last time I saw your wife, we were doing Jimmy Kimmel together and they were like, hey, well, you do a bit, like a pre-tape bit.

Speaker 1 It was called Celebrity Hide and Seek or something like that, or Celebrity Lost and Found. I can't remember.

Speaker 1 And they were like, we're going to have a person off the street go into like a Hollywood Boulevard gift shop and they're going to be looking for you, but you'll be hidden as part of the atmosphere.

Speaker 1 And we're like, okay, cool. Camouflage.
Camouflage, right? So we go in. And was it like a souvenir shop? The souvenir shop.

Speaker 1 There's, you know, half mannequins, the upper torso of a mannequin, and it was wearing a t-shirt that says Hollywood, USA, and then like a hat that says, like, the stars. And there's three of them.

Speaker 1 One of them they removed, and I went under the table and was posed like a mannequin with my hat and my hoodie on. And so I cannot move at all.
Kristen's in another part of it. She's kind of buried.

Speaker 1 So they find this young woman off Holly Boulevard. Cousin Sal is like, here's who you're going to be looking for in the store.
And he holds up a picture of Kristen.

Speaker 1 She's like, oh my gosh, she's like my favorite. I I can't believe this.
I'm going to pee when I see this. It's so crazy.
And again, she's 20 feet away. I can hear her in my earpiece.

Speaker 1 And I am like right here and I can't move.

Speaker 1 And then Sal's like, right. And then you're going to try to find Ike Barrenholes.
And she's like, I don't know who that is. And I was just like, perfect.

Speaker 1 And I can hear Kimmel laughing in my earpiece because he's in the studio and I can't move. He's coated in indignity.
So then she found me and like right away, I was like, how do you not know who I am?

Speaker 1 I'm going to send you blockers on guide tunes. Jesus.

Speaker 1 To continue the parallel. Now, imagine that's my life.
I'm married to her. You had one mix-up in a souvenir shop one day, and you really remember thousands of hours at every time.

Speaker 1 And I go to a hotel, and the guy calls me Mr. Bell, you know? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That sounds a good one. As bad as I feel for you.
Yeah, no, I get to do that.

Speaker 1 You try that being your all-day existence.

Speaker 1 I'm like, you listen to podcasts? I'm like the Kristen Bell of podcasts. She got an earbud in there.
What are you listening to?

Speaker 1 Can I give you a good suggestion? Because guess who doesn't have a a fucking podcast from Chris Belle?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Chris Belle. I don't remember her interviewing Jeff Bridges.
So, whatever. So, you can.
Anyways, yeah, we need more towels. Thanks.

Speaker 1 It's obviously not that bad, but there is regularly a situation where someone comes up and they want a picture. And I really don't know.
Do they want me in the photo or not?

Speaker 1 That is an hourly occurrence when we're in an airport or New York.

Speaker 1 I certainly don't want to presume they want also me in the photo. So half the time I'm out, and they'll go like, oh, no, no, YouTube.
But that's only half. Right.
right. They feel bad.

Speaker 1 Let's get one with your husband. You see and there's like trying to figure out how to crop and get a nice gap between you and Kristen.

Speaker 1 Last year, or maybe the year before that, we went to England for the holidays and on Christmas Day in London. They put in their roast and then you go outside.

Speaker 1 You go to the pub and you hang around and even though it's cold, the streets are really packed with people. It's so nice.

Speaker 2 Very meat cutie.

Speaker 1 It's very Richard Curtis.

Speaker 1 So we're there with my wife and a lot of her families are like 20 of us and we're in this beautiful village green in Richmond. Hold on.

Speaker 1 i gotta ask a very rude question are you flipping the bill for all this or do they have their own money no my family 20 people her family pay for their dinner no no her family no no no they take care of themselves yeah you didn't have this isn't like a muhammad ali situation where i'm like this is my cousins and i'm

Speaker 1 like 20 family members i got a round of drinks okay i think a couple dinners yeah we're all there and it's beautiful and we had gone to paris before that and it was the first time that i just had really noticed that people were kind of coming up to me and I always wonder, oh, what movie had come out on Canal Plus.

Speaker 1 So anyways, Christmas Day, London, we're at this pub. And this woman walks up to me and she got that big smile on her face and she's holding her phone.
And you know that look when I was like excited.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, hi. And she goes, hi.
I go, pictures? She goes, please. And I grab and like, what's your name? And she's like, oh, Sandra.
And I'm like, hi, Sandra. And I'm doing the selfie thing.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, here we go. How's it going? Merry Christmas, by the way.
She's like, thank you. And I go, all right, let's do kind of a fun one.
Oh, you really give up. Yeah, because it was Christmas.

Speaker 1 Okay. You know, it was your day to give back.
So I give it to her. And she's like, thank you.
Sorry, do you mind taking a photo of me and my sisters?

Speaker 1 My wife has watched the entire

Speaker 1 and she's laughing the hardest she's ever fucking laughed in her whole life. Thank God.
She's laughing harder than any movie or TV show I've ever been in.

Speaker 1 She runs over to her siblings and she's like, you're not going to believe what just happened. She's pointing.
My loser husband. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Then like the rest of the holiday, the young nephews and cousins would be like, do you remember when that woman

Speaker 1 thought she knew who you were? And I was like, yeah, I do. I remember that.
That really happened yesterday. full weight of the tall poppy syndrome.
They fucking hacked you for the next five days.

Speaker 1 They got my ass. I have a very memorable one just like that.
I was in Miami with a friend, and these two attractive girls came up. It's important because it makes it that much worse.

Speaker 1 And they said, can we get a picture? They hand me the camera. I hand it to my friend Scotty, and then I grab them.
I put my arms around both of them and get myself in the center.

Speaker 1 And they're both immediately like, oh my God, what? And I was like, oh,

Speaker 1 fuck.

Speaker 1 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 Oh, my my God. And then the only thing worse than that is to then try to explain to them you're famous and you're used to that.
Yeah. I thought you were a fan and I grew up all my fans.

Speaker 1 I'm really sorry, ladies. Anyways.
I'm known for being handsy. Do you listen to podcasts?

Speaker 2 No, that's how you're doing.

Speaker 1 I'm real. Don't worry, I'm not scared.
I'm moving to Kristen Bell. I don't want to implicate her.
50% of the time, people do want me in the photo.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Can you imagine, bro, if you were not a celebrity and someone came up and asked, will you take a picture? And they got in the picture with you.
That's what's happening in their brain.

Speaker 2 It's scary.

Speaker 1 It's wild. Yeah.
This guy's either like a psychopath or he's drunk. I was eight years older than these women and they were much hotter than me.

Speaker 1 I don't believe that. Yeah, by a long shot.

Speaker 2 Maybe they're used to that, to being like, oh, I got to get it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, maybe they were in Miami. I can't imagine it was the first time someone put their arm on their shoulder.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, you're in Miami. What do you want?

Speaker 1 Yeah. You're asking for this.
It's the equivalent of it was your fault because you dressed like you went to Miami. Your honor, she was in Miami.

Speaker 1 What do you want me to do? Okay, you're still going to jail for life. In Miami? In fucking Florida?

Speaker 1 You and I were too big to not be a leading man, but we are not good-looking enough to be the leading man. Very true.

Speaker 1 You can't make us the sidekick because the leading man's sidekick can't be towering over him and be bigger. I feel like we're both in the same weird nether zone.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I've played number one a couple times in my life. First of all, it's a lot of work.
Yeah. A lot of work.
You're there all the time. I'm marched checked up the biggest.

Speaker 1 Early in my career, the thought of being cast as a leading man was just crazy. They were like, oh, are you insane? Look at his teeth.
You know what I mean? You smell them?

Speaker 1 Wait, no, they can't smell on camera. This guy constantly shits his pants, which I've worked on.
If there's any casting direction out there, I'm not doing that anymore. This guy's a shit pig.

Speaker 1 This tall Jewish shit pig or Timothy Shalamay. Oh, it's a tough one.
Let me think about that one.

Speaker 1 I would find myself as kind of like a second guy. I love playing that part because you can be so reactive and tune it up.
And you get a lot of the comedy.

Speaker 1 But I would describe this as weirdos a little bit. Because there were guys who were our height, like Jeff Stoltz.
Super hot guy. The guy.
Timothy Oliphant. Timothy the Oliphant.

Speaker 1 The guy who Tim always says looks like him. Josh Dumel.
Josh Dumel. Timothy the Oliphant told me he had Josh Dumel pose with his family for a Christmas card.
And so

Speaker 1 fantastic. Yeah.
Did they get confused for one another? Yeah, he told me that. I'm surprised.
Back in the day,

Speaker 1 I want to add, too, I actually don't think that would be the case if I entered acting now. I'm much more attractive as a middle-aged man than I was as a 20-year-old.
I was not a

Speaker 1 disgusting. I was like a loser.

Speaker 2 I don't believe any of that.

Speaker 1 Some men, it gets a little bit easier. You don't look as bad as you get older.
Exactly. And relative to your peers, you start looking better.
You're taking it all any care of yourself.

Speaker 1 All you got to do is wait it out. Yeah.
Everyone's going to get old and ugly, and you're going to still stay the the same. This hair was thin in my 20s, but it ain't bad in my 30s.
Hello!

Speaker 1 Hello! No plugs, just a little bit of

Speaker 1 a shit.

Speaker 1 No, I do the everyone's PRP. I do the PRP.

Speaker 1 Have you done that PRP? I haven't. I went the first time, and it hurts so much, you know? It's just kind of waking stuff up.
And then I went back. I just remember it hurt so bad.

Speaker 1 And the nurse was like, I forgot, do you like the laughing gas? And I was like, that's a fucking option? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes. So now when I go, you suck on it and you're like did you guys watch white loading but you can't hold up

Speaker 1 my white

Speaker 1 stay tuned for more armchair expert

Speaker 1 if you dare

Speaker 1 We are supported by JC Penny.

Speaker 2 You know what's even better than getting compliments on your holiday outfit?

Speaker 1 Getting compliments on your holiday outfit that you got for way less than anyone would guess?

Speaker 2 Ding, ding, ding. exactly.
I just hit up JCPenney for some holiday party looks. And let me tell you, the quality and style are great.

Speaker 2 I got this really gorgeous velvet blazer that everyone thinks was designer, but it's not, but it really looks luxe.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But you're sitting there like, oh, this JCPenney.

Speaker 2 It is really fun to see the look on people's faces when you tell them. And it's not just clothes.
Their home stuff is perfect for hosting.

Speaker 1 Plus, they've got gifts for everyone on your list that look so much more expensive than they actually are.

Speaker 2 Because when it comes to holiday gifts, it's what they think you spent that counts.

Speaker 1 Shopjcpenny.com. Yes, JCPenney.

Speaker 1 We get support from AG1.

Speaker 1 I'm always looking for ways to simplify my wellness routine without cutting corners. That's why I've been drinking AG1 every morning for years.
I love the taste. I love the simplicity.

Speaker 1 I love how I feel after I have my glass of AG1. AG1 is a daily health drink that's basically replaced my entire supplement cabinet.
75 plus vitamins, minerals, and whole food ingredients in one scoop.

Speaker 1 It supports gut health, gives me steady energy without crashes, and supports my immune health. Huge when I'm constantly around people for interviews.

Speaker 1 Less than three bucks a day doing the work of multiple supplements. With travel and holiday chaos, those antioxidants and functional mushrooms help my body stay resilient.

Speaker 1 You know, we had back-to-back Halloween, then I traveled to Palm Springs, hosted a birthday party, came back, and my first thought thought was like, ooh, I got to totally recharge.

Speaker 1 Went straight to the AG1. Head to drinkag1.com slash stacks to get a free welcome kit with an AG1 flavor sampler and a bottle of vitamin D3 plus K2.

Speaker 1 When you first subscribe, that's drinkag1.com slash stacks.

Speaker 1 We are supported by Peloton. You know how life gets especially chaotic this time of year? Work, kids, trying to remember what day it is.

Speaker 1 For me, finding time to move can feel impossible, but that's where Peloton comes in.

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Speaker 1 We are supported by Allstate. You know what's smart? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance.
You know what's not smart?

Speaker 1 Not checking your phone's volume before blasting your morning pump-up playlist in the office break room.

Speaker 1 Or not checking that your laptop camera's off off before joining the meeting in your robe, or something I'm a little too familiar with: not checking your grocery list before heading to the store and realizing you bought everything except what you needed.

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and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, when you're on gas, do you inhale the fuck out of it and then get too high and then have to start breathing through your mouth?

Speaker 1 I do the equivalent of lung chugging, where I'm just like, give me the good stuff, baby. It's so nice.
Sometimes you can do it legally.

Speaker 1 And with medical supervision, it's like you're free to get as high as possible. Yeah.
And there's a staff there to bring you back. But I'm such a loser that I hope my wife doesn't hear this.

Speaker 1 We have like this whipped cream, this like nice whipped cream that's in the can that we put on the waffles. It's like ready whipped, but it's fancier.
It's French. Ooh.

Speaker 1 Whenever it's at the end of the can and we're clearing the kitchen, I always just kind of duck my head out of it.

Speaker 1 You got a nice three-second buzz.

Speaker 1 By the time you got it in the trash can, it's worn off. Gone.
Then you're kind of angry. Ah, god damn it.

Speaker 2 Do you drink?

Speaker 1 He's one of these guys I'm so jealous of. He has like the perfect relationship with all of it.

Speaker 1 He can party when it's called for. As you get older, you definitely want to do it less.

Speaker 1 Also, they're just coming out with articles now that are like, like back in the 80s, they were like, doctors say you should have two martinis a day. Exactly.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And now they're like, all alcohol is poisoning, which is very depressing. Because I do love on like a Friday evening to make a nice cocktail cooking dinner.

Speaker 1 Huddle day.

Speaker 1 Negroni, one of those. I love that.
But as you get older, hangovers, even if you have sometimes just two drinks, you wake up the next day, you're like, I feel like shit. So it's not worth it.

Speaker 1 But you can take the right amount of weed as needed.

Speaker 1 Little mushroom squares that people take. Sure.
Easy peasy for you. Yeah.
Will you ever blow wines anymore? No, no. That kills people now.

Speaker 1 Because of the fentanyl? Anything that has a probability of killing you that's embarrassing, you can't do once you have kids.

Speaker 1 If a 48-year-old man dies of a cocaine overdose at a bathroom at a friend's birthday party, that is mortifying. And it's not even just three children, three daughters.
Three daughters.

Speaker 1 Not to be that guy, but it's like, I have daughters and I don't want them to know that I died on the floor of a bathroom. It's also been so long.
As you get older too, you start to settle down.

Speaker 1 Cocaine is not a good drug for parents. But now the fun thing with drugs are they're so much more organized now.
They're predictable.

Speaker 1 There's people that are making them that you don't think they made it out of like their sock in a bathtub yeah it's packaged

Speaker 1 nicely like we went to go see the dead and co at the sphere yeah we were doing the studio and it was seth and everyone so there was a lot of fun things they have

Speaker 1 acid oh that is in a little like a banana spray no way and it's not like back in the day when you take a little piece of acid and for like 14 hours you're like gone into a dark place this is more like oh this just makes me dance more.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I took a little bit. And then at the end of the night, at one point, I just grabbed it and I was going, and then I heard John Mayer go, thank you, Vegas.
We love you. Good night.

Speaker 1 I walked into that casino, like, looking at Frank Thompson. Anyone have ether?

Speaker 1 Anybody lauding them around? Uh-uh-uh. Out of all the things I've seen and done drug-wise, nothing messes people up more than eating weed.

Speaker 2 Seth just said that.

Speaker 1 If you eat too much weed, you think you are going to die.

Speaker 1 I, one time, when i lived in amsterdam man i took papariani had no idea what the dosage was and we decided to drive to the airport sure because there was a burger king there that was open okay and my friends we pulled up to like arrivals

Speaker 1 i go i need to wait in the car i can't go in and they're like okay and then right as they walk away i was like i'm gonna get murdered in the car so i locked the doors and then passed out so they came back and for like an hour was banging on the door you have like real panic attacks and stuff so don't eat too much weed I don't know if I told you this in 2018 or your first interview, but the highest I've ever been where I was losing huge chunks of time was me and my three friends in Amsterdam, space cake, and it was poppy seed loaf.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And it was just straight delicious and we were hungry and we ate one and then I was like, we'll have another.
And they're like, you shouldn't have another. And I'm like, we'll be fine.

Speaker 1 They're so delicious. I was just eating for the taste.
Yeah, that's the worst. And we got into this insane cycle.
We made it back to our hostel and we were all sitting on bar stools.

Speaker 1 And I noticed all of a sudden I had been staring at the bartender and I go like, oh, why am I jaws with that?

Speaker 1 And I turn and I look and all three of my friends are also staring at the bar deader with the same look on their face. Three more options.

Speaker 1 I have four idiots from Detroit. I go, oh my gosh, guys, look at your faces.
And everyone goes, were you doing that too?

Speaker 1 I just leapt forward to the same look on my face, same staring, look over, they're doing it again. And we were just in this insane cycle that was madness.

Speaker 1 That's where he came up with his character, the Mediocracy, which I I just re-watched. It ages like a Bordeaux.
Oh, it's getting better. Better and funnier.
And I totally forgot at the beginning.

Speaker 1 The scientist is turning into a pimp, kind of. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's obsessed with upgrade. You always forget that, but it's seeping into my top 10.
It is the greatest movie.

Speaker 1 It's so goddamn funny. I don't think I've watched it since I first watched it, but the thing that I loved most from the script and while we were shooting it is my favorite stuff was all the ads.

Speaker 1 If you don't smoke Carlton's, fuck you. Fuck you.
Or that Fuddruckers had become butt fuckers and that they're showing the passage of time of how they iterated into butt fuckers.

Speaker 1 David Herman was killing me in this one. The movie's amazing and you should re-watch it.
Treat yourself. Watch it with your kids.
Do your kids watch any of the stuff you do?

Speaker 1 Yeah, we showed them hit and run the other day. Oh, okay.
Because it's such a neat period of time for Chris and I. We made this movie for a million dollars.
It's about being in love.

Speaker 1 Because if they've seen us and stuff together, I'm the asshole and went in Rome annoying her. I kind of wanted them to see something.
Romantic

Speaker 1 is nice about their parents. That's very sweet.
How about you? I just started to, I mean, there was a lot of stuff that just are rated comedies.

Speaker 1 We can't show them, but not too long ago, they started watching the Mindy Project. Mindy Kaling was on here, by the way.
She had the best time. Did she was at the report? That was the report.

Speaker 1 Like, literally, as she was leaving, texting me. We know that you shit mouth us a little bit.
What I said. Yeah, snacks.
You told her to bring snacks because it's long.

Speaker 1 She said, I said, bring snacks. You're like, uh-oh.

Speaker 1 And also hydrate. I mean, make sure you're hydrated.
You only sleep about 12 hours on a toothbrush because you're going to take a nap at some point.

Speaker 1 No, she loved it.

Speaker 2 It was so exciting.

Speaker 1 She does not do a lot of podcasting. We've been begging for seven.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Literally seven years.
We did our show together.

Speaker 1 So the other thing is yours was a little longer. You had a hot five years on camera, and then you're kind of out of the business.
Yes, Matt TV was like a young guy doing it.

Speaker 1 Promising. No one would cast me.
I would test for pilot after pilot, and it would be me against four guys who were either much better looking.

Speaker 1 They'd be watching the same like do you feel like you could smell him i feel like i could smell him listen i like this guy

Speaker 1 he's a jewish shit pig

Speaker 1 but then you pivot and you start writing and this is the same with me i had like a really hot three or four years punk idiography and then really i don't know if i can get hired for anything and then i just go to writing and then i have a script under development at imagine and while i'm in a notes session on that script they're casting parenthood david nevins happens to say boy he would be a great crosby and then i'm kind of back into acting That's amazing.

Speaker 1 We have the same exact story, right? It is, yeah. My David Nevins was Mindy, who was like, these guys wrote a script that I like, and I have my own show that we're starting.
Me and Dave Stassen.

Speaker 1 And then she was like, oh, you should be on the show. And then she created this character.
A lot of those things I haven't watched in 10 plus years.

Speaker 1 Now that my kids are watching it. Do you cry? I did cry at one scene just because I remember shooting it.
It was being very emotional. It was right around when my kid was born.

Speaker 1 But it really was great to watch and kind of laugh because it's such a funny, funny show where all the characters are the perfect amount of dumb and vapid, but also very kind of sweet.

Speaker 1 So it's really nice to go back. Then I pushed it one night where my older one was on the couch and we're flipping through HBO and Neighbors was on.

Speaker 1 And just in my mind, I was like, watch a little bit of Neighbors. Erica came down.
She's like, are you fucking crazy? Yeah, I know. And then two minutes later, she had gone to bed.

Speaker 1 And I look, and it's Dave Franco's bare butt pumping away, just pumping. And I was just like, all right.

Speaker 1 I did that two weekends ago in a hotel with delta and sarah marshall was on okay and i'm like oh this could be fun this is mom in a balls of the wall comedy one of the funniest movies ever i agree

Speaker 1 and i don't think of all the things they've seen her in they haven't seen her in a fucking hard-hitting comedy and same thing it starts and all of a sudden jason's dick is out and the towel's up and then i'm even telling myself like we're not hung up on nudity in my family so that's whatever And then as it goes on, I'm like, no, I don't think this is the right film for us.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 i wish we weren't hung up about nudity but my 11 year old who's like going on 15 she'll come into my bathroom yeah when i am coming out of my shower yeah and will look at me and go oh and i'm like what are we doing why are you doing this this is so mean i don't go into your bathroom and evaluate your body what the hell like it's very pointed and just like oh she's disgusted disgusted i get it but i'm like just please internalize that do you know what our older daughter asked Kristen at one point?

Speaker 1 She said, why do you and daddy's birds, it's universal in my house, it can be a male or female. Why do you and daddy's birds look so old? Oh,

Speaker 1 that's a tough one. You're like, oh, I don't know.
You Googled dickoplasty.

Speaker 1 Dick Lyft, Los Angeles. I luckily was on a part of the conversation and we're like, the testicles are.
I can tell you right now, it's the testicles.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess I didn't do that. Those things do not age well.
They're They're the opposite of idiocracy. They just get bigger and longer.
Stretchier.

Speaker 1 Oh, God. So you're losing plasticity, but you're also gaining it there.
Oh, the worst.

Speaker 2 What age do you think you have to stop being naked around your kids?

Speaker 1 There was never a thing.

Speaker 1 Obviously, it's probably a little different when it's intersex. So, probably like when they become teenagers, when they start going through puberty.
But the minute I get roasted. Right.

Speaker 1 Now you're insecure. Yeah, you discover for yourself.
So now I get out of the shower quickly. Peek around.
Yeah. We're past the point now.
My policy is they'll decide that.

Speaker 1 Because in Europe, they don't give a fuck. They're nude.
They go to dinner nude. I'm aiming for that.
You know, in Europe, they don't start dinner nude until 10 p.m. sometimes.

Speaker 1 Dinner nude. I will say, every once in a while, you'll shower with one of the kids, you know, like in a hotel.
Well, now we're underwear. Because the little one, especially she's at like dick height.

Speaker 1 And like, I don't need to be like washing her hair and her to be like, you know what I mean? Daring at an elephant. Forget it.

Speaker 1 So that I I wear underwear for, which is, I think, I would recommend that's that feels more perverted for you to wear underwear in a shower.

Speaker 1 If I walk in, I saw a man and his daughter and he was wearing tidy whiteys. I'd be like, what's happening? Do you need protection? He looked like a David Cross at Arrest and Development.

Speaker 1 I'm a never nude.

Speaker 1 You're probably sick of talking about this, but it is still so exciting. And it's his fault because he keeps popping up.
But your dad, Alan. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 We've been along for this whole ride because we were big jury duty fans. It was so good.
And he was phenomenal.

Speaker 1 And then I see him immediately in running points running points yes he does family lawyer kisses kate hudson no oh good for somebody we wrote the character to be a vuncular older man who's very touchy and stuff and so we were shooting it and he's kind of kissing the road and scotty macarthur is kissing him on the forehead and kate hudson who's so game for any comedy thing she's like hey i'm this next take he should probably kiss me on the lips so there's my dad i go you got to kiss Kate on the lips.

Speaker 1 He goes, I cannot do that. Oh, he said he killed it.
That would be inappropriate. And I go, no, it's her idea.
He goes, oh.

Speaker 1 So now in the show, there's like a big fat smooch on the lips and he tells everyone. He's like, yeah, Kate Hudson's a star.
And I'm like, good for him. Take it easy.
He's 70. 72.

Speaker 1 He's living his best life right now. He's in the studio too.
I saw him in the studio. He is a working actor now.
He is. He is.

Speaker 2 He's the opposite of a Nepo baby.

Speaker 1 He's an A Nepo dad. He's a Nepo dad.
Something you can really get behind.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I like that.

Speaker 1 And you said you were striking and you brought him along. It was crazy.
I brought him to the picket line one day and he sees Titus William, right? Now, Bosh to fathers.

Speaker 1 It's Joseph Smith to a more rise.

Speaker 1 It's everything. So he's a super tough cop who's a little bit woke, but also likes jazz.

Speaker 1 He's just like me. He calls people slurs, but he's on the right side of justice.

Speaker 1 I love him. He's helping them and insulting them.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So we see Bosch and my dad is just like losing his mind. And then Bosh learns who he is and Bosch is like, oh, they talked.
They were so excited. What was better for him?

Speaker 1 Getting approached by Bosh or kissing Kate Hudson?

Speaker 1 That's a real one. We might need to call him.

Speaker 1 I think, honestly, Bosh, kissing Kate, I don't think he had any illusion that she was going to dump Danny and they were going to end up together and then he could really get to Goldie.

Speaker 1 As I say it, that is a plan, though. Do you think, though, in his mind, he was like, Peggy might let me.

Speaker 1 Maybe in his mind, he's like, well, my wife, I don't know if she understands the concept of a hall pass, but if I were to explain it to her and Kate Hudson was on board, yeah, this could work.

Speaker 1 She would want this for me. She would be happy for me.
I do think that in his mind, there's definitely a kernel of like, what if me and Bosh become friends? What if I'm on the show?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Is it still running? Bosch? Oh, yeah. They got Bosch Legacy out now, dude.
They will always be here. Okay.
And there will be spin-offs and stuff.

Speaker 1 As long as there's crime in L.A., Bosch is here to clean it up. I have a bone to pick with you.
Oh, no. Which is simply, I begged you to do a podcast with us.
Oh, my God. And you didn't.

Speaker 1 I only think about it every day. Okay.
And then lo and behold, Polar's here to promote her podcast. And I come to find out you definitely said yes to her when she had an idea.
I did.

Speaker 1 Chris Chapman do-over. Chris Chapman do-over.
Here's what happened. When you came to me years ago and you're like, you should do a podcast.
It would be really fun.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I'm too busy doing bullshit. And now I'm like, oh my God, you couldn't have had a podcast.
I can't start one now in 2025. But Polar came to me and she had such a funny idea.

Speaker 1 First of all, she can't say no to her. I love her.
And her take on it was great, though.

Speaker 1 She basically was like, I want to figure out a way for us to improvise without having to go on stage at 8.30 at night and have people filming it, putting it online. What's a way for us just to riff?

Speaker 1 Because that is something that I miss. Even though improv is coming back, there's a lot of good improv in LA right now.
Live improv at Largo Dinosaur Improv with Paul Scheer, the last improv show.

Speaker 1 So we came up with this idea to do like a take on a podcast that would exist in the Manosphere a little bit, inspired by lots of different people.

Speaker 1 As you say, repeating conspiracy theories, having medical advice. Yeah, a lot of talking about clips of things that you watched online.
It really is inspired by lots of different people.

Speaker 1 So we came up with a crew and we spent this incredible two weeks where we taped like eight episodes of this fake podcast.

Speaker 1 That is so much fun. It is so funny.
The company, I don't know if I should say this because they were so wonderful who made it, but the week mine came out, they were like, we're going out of business.

Speaker 1 So we never really got a chance to do like a big promotion, but it's still out there. Just to get to be

Speaker 1 very confidently wrong is a very fun energy to play. Like Catherine O'Hara one time said, play confident and stupid, and it is the magic sauce.

Speaker 1 So getting to do that, and then again, we also had Neil Casey, who's one of the funniest guys, and Lisa Gilroy.

Speaker 1 She's an improviser and an actor, and she is so hardcore funny, one of the best improvisers I've ever seen in my life.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Basically, the premise of the podcast was I got canceled. The podcast went away, and a new company said they will do my podcast if half of 1% of my listeners can be women.

Speaker 1 Half of 1%.

Speaker 1 So I'm like, okay, so this is my new co-host. And he's so funny.
So it's such a fun thing.

Speaker 1 And to get to do it with Polar and sit in the studio with Polar and our friend Liz Kukowski, who's one of the great geniuses. It was one of the most fun things I did that year.
Yeah. Oh, fun.

Speaker 2 Go check that out.

Speaker 1 Chris Chapman, do over. Okay.
One last thing and then into both shows. I don't know why I want to bring this up, but we had Bobby Lee on.

Speaker 1 I mean, other than maybe you, I've not had that much fun talking to somebody in front of a microphone. How special is Bobby Lee? I did his podcast.

Speaker 1 It was The Old Tiger Belly like a year and a half ago, and it was like the most fun I had in such a long time. He's so wonderful.

Speaker 1 And now that he's older and he's just very settled now in a weird way, he was so chaotic for so long. He's always been one of the funniest guys.

Speaker 1 But whenever you'd see him, he would be a little stressed out. And now he's so happy.
He's very successful. Yeah.
And he is just one of the best and funniest.

Speaker 1 When I was on his podcast, he really just spent the first half hour just apologizing for the stuff that he did at Mad T V. And it was just so grotesque.

Speaker 1 Oh, it was just like, I'm really sorry that one time you were writing a sketch and I came in and pulled down my pants and spread my ass and shoved pums in my ass. And I was like, it's okay.

Speaker 1 I wasn't offended.

Speaker 1 He has this weird way of in his apology re-traumatizing you and making maybe the apology is worse. And then re-traumatizing a whole new audience who never even thought of that happening before.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he tells his story about being molested. I don't know if you've ever seen it.
Oh, I know the story very well. It's like, yeah, all things are happening at once.
It's so unique.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's wonderful. I'm actually doing his podcast.
Him and Santino. Santino.

Speaker 1 He's Chicago. Sicily.
He was graded here from Sicily three years ago. One of the only red-headed Sicily.
First ever. Yeah.
He is Chicago. Okay.
So Running Point. Running Point.
You're a creator. Yes.

Speaker 1 See what's really funny is I was looking at your Instagram and you had a photo dump from Running Point. In that, Justin is wearing that shirt.
He's wearing the gear. And you know what? I'm so stupid.

Speaker 1 This is how fucking powerful Thoreau is. I'm looking at that exact shirt you're wearing.
I forget that the name of the team is the waves, even though I've seen the show.

Speaker 1 And I go, man, hello, he did it again. He's got this shirt on that says a waves.
What rummage sale did he find that in in New Jersey?

Speaker 2 You thought it was like vintage?

Speaker 1 Yeah, everything he wears is so cool. He is the best dressed man I've ever seen him.
Just fucking oozing cool. If I were to dress like him, people would be like, sir, you need to leave.

Speaker 1 God, I was like, I think I can pull it off because I ride motorcycles. And I was like, you're not pulling this off.

Speaker 1 No, he's one of a kind. Yeah, he looks like a European dude who's by himself on a motorcycle.

Speaker 1 and you look like a guy who's trying to get into the hell's written four or five really substantial poetry books. Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's good poetry.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he smokes Galois.

Speaker 1 You smoke like Winches

Speaker 1 But you created that with my friend Mindy Kaling

Speaker 1 and Dave Stassen who was our showrunner and Mindy approached us and she was like I have an idea for a show that's loosely based off of Genie Bus. And had you met Genie before?

Speaker 1 I actually strangely had.

Speaker 1 my lawyer is friendly with her and took me to a game once introduced me a she's so cool and just lovely and nice growing up in chicago big bulls fan like bulls first always but there was something as a kid i loved magic johnson i just thought he was so fun and cool you probably loved him from michigan he and isaiah kissed each other if you remember mid-court once right which was the worst thing ever because he was like 87 that was

Speaker 1 the first time i had seen two men kissed

Speaker 1 manica this is michigan in the 80s. This is a very different time.
It was so different that I remember when Travolta would go on talk shows, he would hug the hoes. I'd never seen men hug men.

Speaker 1 In our lifetime, we've watched hugging become a thing. Like, it was truly not a thing until

Speaker 1 Bill Clinton signed the 1995 National Hugs Act.

Speaker 1 It was just, he would shake a hand, or even back in the day, be like, how are you? And you try to hurt the other guy and shake the hand as hard as you can.

Speaker 1 John Williams said, my father created a pool supply company. You pump it.
Might grab the elbow if you're really comfortable.

Speaker 1 And then the big smack on the shoulder. Try to put him on the ground.
The irony that it literally almost full circles into gay.

Speaker 2 Oh, it is. Like, it starts off so masculine, and then you're like jerking each other.

Speaker 1 Yeah, for sure, sure. Hugging is a still new thing.
You might have remembered this rumor when we were kids that the boss kissed his saxophone player. This was like this huge rumor.
Do you remember?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Bruce Frankston kissed Clarence Clemens. Yeah, great.
You know, everyone's name involved. Was that like a thing that hit Chicago? No.
Never got that one. Oh, I did.

Speaker 1 People were like, you know, Bruce Frankston kissed his saxophone player. Oh, my God.
I love urban rumors. I remember in high school.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Marilyn Manson removed his ribs so he could suck his own dick.

Speaker 1 That was a big one. Which is actually true, I found out.
Yeah, I found that out this morning. It was in the paper, fact of a day.
I get a little English. Do you know I partied with him one time? Ooh.

Speaker 1 Back when I used to do... Coke.
Yeah, I can imagine that would be a prerequisite for hanging out with him. It was pre-any domestic abuse situation with women, so I had no ethical dilemma whatsoever.

Speaker 1 It was still in that phase where he had been in bowling for Colleen Bine and you were like, oh, he's really smart.

Speaker 1 His music's actually good.

Speaker 1 I never went all the way there, but I was like, that's kind of intriguing. Yeah, no, he was like an interesting guy.
Yeah, and he had a ton of toot, and I was down to heck.

Speaker 1 I don't know if I told you the story once, but I used to be a busboy at Arnie Morton's on La Sienega, Morton Steakhouse. Oh, I love Morton's.
Still my place. I love it.
So this is like 2001.

Speaker 1 And before I went to work, I was at home and there was a show on IFC that you might remember called Dinner for Five.

Speaker 2 Oh, loved it.

Speaker 1 Love Dinner for Five. And so I was watching it.
Jon Favreau was the host and I can't quite remember. There were two other people and then Marilyn Manson.

Speaker 1 And then there was an empty chair. So I remember going to work that night, busting a table and Marilyn Manson walks in.
He's a big guy.

Speaker 1 And he comes in and he sits down and he's with some slave or whatever the fuck.

Speaker 1 And he sits down and I was like, I got to ask him who did not show up. Oh, great.
And so I'm kind of just waiting for the right moment. And I start start busting the table next to him.

Speaker 1 And I just kind of turn and I go to him, hey, excuse me, I hate to bother you. Who didn't show up for dinner for five?

Speaker 1 And literally, as I turn to him, he's just put like a relatively large piece of steak in his mouth. It's gonna be like a minute of chewing.

Speaker 1 Bro, it was like a solid 30 seconds of him being kind of annoyed and holding up his finger and being like,

Speaker 1 and I'm waiting for it and I'm waiting for it. And it feels like an eternity.
And finally, he goes,

Speaker 1 Michael Repaport.

Speaker 1 I feel like we need more of those. That has happened to me numerous times.
Just took a way too big bite of a ribeye. And I'm going to need a minute and a half to get through.

Speaker 1 I need a little bit more, actually, because I got to clean some stuff out of my teeth before I talk to you at this point.

Speaker 1 But back to running point. You're a writer-creator.
You're on set for the whole time? Yeah. So Mindy approached Dave and I, and she's like, I have this idea for a show.
We love her so much.

Speaker 1 And the Mindy project was the best gig ever. It was the most fun.

Speaker 1 Me and her and dave our sensibilities just really lined up that's a great feeling so we spent months with her eating gigantic sandwiches every day and just kind of breaking the show writing the show and so then we are like who's gonna play this part one of those shows where it's so all about the lead and we had on our wish list obviously it would be great if we can get someone like kate hudson to do this that's impossible she's kate hudson and so sure enough we got a call her agents like i read this i love it She's going to read it.

Speaker 1 And then she read it and she loved it. That never happens.

Speaker 1 What always happens is you find out she's gonna do it and then the last minute it just doesn't work or she got another movie or something but she really stuck to her guns i think she really saw the vision and so then we were able to get this insane guest cast around her it's a sibling workplace comedy and so we were able to get drew tarver who i love drew obsessed with he's pretty shockingly funny he was also on a show with caitlin that's where i first saw him caitlin olson he's got the bateman thing

Speaker 1 when he's dialed in where even when he says a line that's not even remotely funny he still makes it funny that means you'll work forever he was at ucb during my time so i saw him on stage all the time yeah his essence is perpetually hung over which is the best kind of vibe if you can have that i mean that's like a bill murray thing when you talk about it like what what do you want and in real life Delightful, wonderful man.

Speaker 1 Scott MacArthur is a guy who we had known for a very, very long time. We grew up with him in Chicago 40 years.
Like literally 40 years. We knew him when he was four years old.

Speaker 1 Remember when he was born? And then we had the part of the other brother. Wait, first of all, we had Brenda Song, who is amazing.

Speaker 1 Walking around in public with her, the only other person I've seen that gets that kind of smoke is John Cena. People, when they see Brenda Song, lose their fucking minds.
It's wild.

Speaker 1 But then the older brother part was the last big piece, and it was a really funny part. And we needed to kill her.

Speaker 1 And I got throw, which was just wild because he is low-key, I think, one of the best actors out there. Oh, totally.
To have him come and do a big dumb comedy. You guys were both on Plumbers.

Speaker 1 White House Plumbers. That show, I don't know why that one went under the the radar.
Kristen and I watched it a year and a half after it came out and I was like, this show's a 10.

Speaker 1 How funny was he on that show? Oh my God. At performance, he was played G Gordon Liddy and he's talking like this the entire time.

Speaker 1 But it's so believable. Woody with this big stupid teeth.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But it was such a great show.
I also think too is right when Max

Speaker 1 Studio was breaking off a little bit. He couldn't sign in for a couple months.
Yeah, you're clicking forget password, but it's to your old email that you don't have access to anymore.

Speaker 1 But it was a great show.

Speaker 1 We're We're only going to do so much about the studio because we had Seth in, and it's probably the most we've ever talked about someone's project on the show because I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, blown away.

Speaker 1 You sent me the nicest text, man. Oh, yeah, it was when I was in the middle of watching it.
Yeah, it was really nice.

Speaker 1 Because you don't know, you work on something and you love it, but when people you know reach out, it really is a very, very lovely thing. Oh, my God.
I loved it. I watched all 10.

Speaker 1 Every day you'd show up and there'd be a new person like Martin Squars Razi. I had to act with him for hours and hours

Speaker 1 in wonders so the stress level is only compounded after every take i kind of stand there with him because he's one of those people that everyone's like don't bother but i'm standing with him so i would just kind of talk a little bit and then try to get out so i'm not talking too long but he's one of those guys where he is as advertised where everything you say to him he's going to say in the most martin score safety way like i'd say to him how do you like how we're shooting he goes oh it's great it's french new wave you know dard created that because he only had one camera so that's what the french new wave was and you're like that's so fucking cool he said that and do you feel like emboldened?

Speaker 1 He's opened the door. Yes.
So now I'm like, being a psychopath who knows everything about you. Frank and Bowl.
You can pull out a list. Well, I go, your favorite French no wave was 400 blows, right?

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 He goes, well, it changes. It changes all the time.
I think right now it's Jules at gym. You know, the first time I saw Jules at gym, I remember sitting there thinking, if only I can make a movie.

Speaker 1 The whole movie was the first 20 minutes of this movie. And that's good, fellas.
And I'm like, oh. But meanwhile, it just broke.
You're shooting lives at my dad. He's great, crazy.

Speaker 1 Oh, cool, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Now I'd be like, bye, because I don't want to wear all my love things.
It's like, I got to go. I'll be right back.
And then I'd just stand like five feet.

Speaker 1 It was crazy. Wow.
The whole series, every scene is shot in one take. So it's not like a conventional show where we have our coverage.
How did it affect your comfort in improving?

Speaker 1 You don't want to be the person who fucks

Speaker 1 and then has the giant reset. And that definitely happened a few times.
Anything about Seth, though, I don't know if it's like because he's Canadian or the weed.

Speaker 1 He's the most easygoing guy when it comes to that shit even if inside he's pissed yeah yeah yeah you will never see that because like if someone would fuck up peters right and goes oh all right we go there was one day where we're driving sunset boulevard is locked off at 6 p.m

Speaker 1 so we can drive a 1958 maserati and do a fucking whip you turn and pull up into the chateau and the car just won't start it's just getting flooded out every time and he's got to snake up that tight driver bro it is so high stakes If it were me, AI would just be like, we can't do this, obviously.

Speaker 1 We'll get a stunt driver. I'll be in the chateau.
We'll do a cowboy switch. I'll be on the cowboy switch.
And then if not, just use AI. Whatever the fuck that means.
And the car's just flooding.

Speaker 1 The second time it floods, I'd be like, all right, I want to have a little meeting with everyone. This can't flood again, or otherwise, I don't want to be hyperbolic, but I'm going to kill myself.

Speaker 1 And every time it floods, South, they're just going, oh, boy, this thing doesn't work. What are we going to do? And it was just like so good natured.

Speaker 1 So I was scared, but again, the knowledge of knowing that even if you fuck up, they're not going to yell you. In terms of the improv, it was interesting because I've worked with them a lot.

Speaker 1 They're very improv welcoming directors. They really love to hear what you have as long as it's in character and on

Speaker 1 the every line is not advancing the story. I can assure you, no matter how much the boom operator laughed, it's not going to be.

Speaker 1 So they are very welcoming of it, but. Some scenes we would rehearse for hours and hours before we even started rolling.
So that was kind of the time. Once you're in it, it's like a play.

Speaker 1 You throw in a new line and that affects someone's cue, you're going to feel like a dick.

Speaker 1 Yes, because the choreography that's happening for these shots, which people might not realize, is there's like seven assistant directors with earpieces on, queuing guy with the tray to walk through, queuing the light cue.

Speaker 1 If you fuck up one cue, it's dominoes. It's a huge thing.
Our DP Adam is just so active and running around. They built equipment that had never been used before for this.
So the cranes flying in.

Speaker 1 If I ruin one of those tastes, I'm like, oh, yeah, what do you hawk to a girl? Like, I try to like cram in like a reference, people are going to be like, fuck you.

Speaker 1 It's kind of good.

Speaker 2 It's like humbling in some ways for actors.

Speaker 1 It is. To quote Alan Partridge, surprise me in rehearsal.
Ah, that's nice.

Speaker 1 This wasn't like a big improv bonanza, which I think was very good for this show, but they still let us kind of flex a little. But it was great.

Speaker 1 Just a lot of the fun, too, was working with director, like Ron Howard. Yeah.
Like as an actor, you know Ron very well, and I have met him once before.

Speaker 1 But when you're sitting in like a sprinter van with Ron Howard and he's looking at his lines. Yeah.

Speaker 1 At one point I said to him, we were shooting on Warner Brothers and I was like, have you ever shot here as an actor? He goes, yeah, I shot the music man here. Oh, right.

Speaker 1 He was the boy in the music man.

Speaker 1 It's crazy. It's crazy.
But that part, I would imagine, is fun because once Ron Howard has sides.

Speaker 1 Everything's neutralized. Oh, he's as nervous about remembering his lines as anyone else.
Status is evaporated.

Speaker 1 Yes. You didn't have anything with Ice Cube.
I'm now remembering. Did you? I shot with him the day after he came out on the Dodgers center field and sang for the World Series.
It was really cool.

Speaker 1 Years ago, together, we did James Corden's show. And you know, you do it together? For better or worse.
For better or worse. It has been worse for me.

Speaker 1 I walked out with Cube. I was very nervous to meet Cube.
He's an intimidating guy. Intimidating guy.
And also. I was obsessed with NWA.
I was obsessed with Boys in the Hood.

Speaker 1 Friday is one of my all-time favorite movies. The Predator is one of my all-time favorite albums.
Three Kings is one of my all-time favorite movies. Death Certificate? Death Certificate.
Trespass.

Speaker 1 I saw Trespass in the theaters. I walked up to him and he was just like, oh, what's up, man? I've seen you being funny.
And I was like,

Speaker 1 thank God. It's really good.
I'm going to go fuck off now. Luckily, I think he thought I was Donnie Wahlberg.
Okay, great. I'll take it.
If he thought I was Zach Brath, I can talk about Scrub.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Donald's a good friend.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 the Lawrence is incredible.

Speaker 1 They're amazing.

Speaker 1 If you come up to me, there is a movie called Rat Race. Remember Rat Race? Yes, Seth Green was in it.
Seth Green. There was a guy in that movie.
I'm blanking out his name. Who we kind of look alike.

Speaker 1 The guy who presented the thong and thong playing this.

Speaker 1 Akin to your LNX studies characters.

Speaker 1 Actually, if you look at the data, probably 5,000 times people have come up to me and been like, yo, man, love Rat Race. At first, I was like, that's not me.

Speaker 1 But now I go, thank you. Yes.

Speaker 1 That's the right thing to do. Same.
I get Garden State compliments and I'm flattered to be associated with the film. Yeah, I love the shins, man.
I found. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Stay tuned for for more Armchair Expert

Speaker 1 if you dare.

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Speaker 1 Now, here's one bit of how the sauce was made that I'm curious about: is there's this incredible episode called The War, and you and Chase go to war. How great is she by that?

Speaker 1 She's incredible, incredible. She's a CE, a creative executive, so she's under you on this totem pole.
But we have this rivalry a little bit. You have a rivalry.

Speaker 1 You're fucking each other over on the director you want for a project, and it's escalating, escalating, and then it gets physical.

Speaker 1 Now, here's what I'm curious: in the one or I'd be afraid, I'd want to push and get crazy, and then I'd be afraid if it was too much.

Speaker 1 Because at the end of the day, you're an enormous man, and she's a young woman. Yeah.
Was any of that stuff circle? I was like, oh man, they found the line just perfectly.

Speaker 1 It went as crazy as it could get, but it didn't get scary. At one point, myself was like, I'm yelling at her, and she's such a good actor, and she's crying.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I'm like, I'm gonna look like a dick, but I think it's okay. He's supposed to be a dick.
I usually play bubbly and fun and comedy, stupid. My pants just fell down.
Oops, a farted. Yeah.

Speaker 1 To be really fucking like, I will fucking end your career. Yes.
You fucking stupid little idiot. And you see in her eyes the hurt.
You do feel like a shithead. But it's real.

Speaker 1 But it's real and it's good. And they want that.
I mean, your character, Sal Seperstein, he drives a yellow 9-11 converter. Yes.
He is a problematic guy, I would say. He's snorting Coke.

Speaker 1 We were watching the first episode with my daughter. No, it was a Khaleesi.
It was an even younger viewer we had involved. We had a seven-year-old.
And she's like, what did he just do?

Speaker 1 And I'm like, he did a drug cocaine. And she was really trying to figure out, did you pound it into your hand?

Speaker 1 The first time we did it, they had the real fake cocaine which is i think baby laxative they say it's all safe

Speaker 1 so i was snorting it after like three hours i was like i have a shitty headache now yeah sucks your sinuses so then the next time they were doing it anti-air prop guy's like hey do you want the real stuff or do you just want to use the fx oh my god that was an option yeah it's the same thing of like wait you offer laughing gas yeah why was i not told yeah so then it was a lot of vfx but i think when we were doing some of the vegas stuff it was so crazy for the finales that i'm sure there was real powder flying around.

Speaker 1 Not real cocaine, but real fake powder. But it brought me back.
Put it this way: I definitely had the same reflexive diarrhea.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
I remember when if I would do a big line and then I'd be like, oh my God, I go shit. I was so thrilled.
I'm like, here we go. Oh, yeah.
That's all.

Speaker 1 And then, like, 13 minutes later, why did I do this? Five hours later, like, I'm so glad I did this.

Speaker 1 Then, 24 years later, like, I need to change my life.

Speaker 2 Ew, do the bathrooms at clubs just stink.

Speaker 1 They are so gross.

Speaker 1 So many substances just being expressed.

Speaker 2 Diarrhea?

Speaker 1 A lot of diarrhea. Our drugs, especially back in the day.
Yeah, I used to do ecstasy all the time. Half the time it was half heroin.
Half the time it was half mask. You didn't know what it was.

Speaker 1 You didn't know what it was.

Speaker 1 You knew that whatever you ate was going to come out. I just knew I was going to be burning no matter what.
For sure. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I know there were some people that were like, yeah, I don't have any sexuality on drugs. And I'm like, come here, my male friend.
I'm going to suck

Speaker 1 size your hand until i'm a wreck

Speaker 1 god damn it not anymore if you and i knew each other in 2000 we would not be alive that's possible one of us would be married don't rule us out no

Speaker 1 guys i can't i'm going over to dak shepherd you know the guy from punk yeah i got a big yeah we've been wrestling a lot no no we're not hooking up and then years later you're like yeah we just adopted another kid yeah fuck i've never been happier.

Speaker 1 I guess, I do adore you. This is number three.
I hope there's like three. Three guys are.
Who else is in the three club?

Speaker 2 David Sederis, I think we have five. I know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess got to go write a bunch of great books.

Speaker 1 Possibly good books that I should write.

Speaker 2 Who else have we had in that club?

Speaker 1 I feel like Malcolm's

Speaker 2 up there.

Speaker 1 I'm the same as him. He's a fan of wars.
That's okay.

Speaker 1 He's a gimmick. Sleep with her.
Seth Rogan did three. Oh! You're tied with Robsky.
Boom. Got you.

Speaker 2 But you've done a live show for us. That gives you an X.

Speaker 1 Hey, can we just talk about that live show? That was one of the most fun live nights of my life. I'm so glad to hear you say that because I went and listened to it back before today

Speaker 1 and I was shook. I urge everyone to go listen to that.
It shouldn't be as good as it is. You were so on fire.

Speaker 1 So much fun. The Armstrong audience is the greatest fucking audience.
Truly, there's nothing better than them. There's nothing better than them.
And they came to that show. They were so tuned up.

Speaker 1 I remember before you guys brought me out, just like you guys, there's so much love there for you guys. It's the greatest fanbase.

Speaker 1 I'm so lucky because I've touched into a lot of different fan bases and they're all so nice. Positive, intelligent,

Speaker 1 but can get dark humor. Yes.
Like dirty jokes. I'm not offended by fucking everything.
People who like dirty jokes. Impossibly good group.
So that was a party. People should really listen to that one.

Speaker 1 It's so funny. You talking about fucking through the sheet and you did Obama violence.
Obama fucking Michelle. I remember that.
I remember that one.

Speaker 1 Secret Service calling after that. I don't even know if the sheet thing's real.
It's not real. I think that whole thing was started from a Seinfeld episode.

Speaker 1 I think there's a lot of things that are like B stories and sitcoms, and now people are like, yeah, no, that's true.

Speaker 2 I'm sure we did it on the fact check back then, and we will have to do it again. We're not too long.

Speaker 1 We ask about it. It'll be apologies to all of our Jewish friends.
All right, Ike, I adore you. Thanks for coming.
Everybody, watch both Running Point, which is on now. On Netflix, Go Waves.

Speaker 1 And then the studio, which is March 26th on Apple Plus. Apple Plus, GoStudio.
Well, you've got your dong in both of the big streamers, don't you? Oh my god.

Speaker 1 I got a real garbage dick when it comes to working with people. I went to good with the powerhouse streamers.
I was setting up a deal this year where I fuck Amazon.

Speaker 1 Get some of those pesos.

Speaker 1 Look at that. La la la la la la.

Speaker 2 Look at that.

Speaker 1 I was maybe going to cut it.

Speaker 2 Now I can't.

Speaker 1 It's in there.

Speaker 1 She was sharpening her scissors as I brought up Jeff Pesos.

Speaker 1 I love you guys so much. Thank you guys for having me.
I love you. Measletough.

Speaker 1 I sure hope there weren't any mistakes in that episode, but we'll find out when my mom, Mrs. Monica, comes in and tells us what was wrong.

Speaker 1 Ike Barrenholt.

Speaker 2 Got him. Got him.

Speaker 1 Got him up. Well, I was with Joe Gillette.
Great. We were talking about Jackie Tone on Jeopardy.

Speaker 1 Oh, which then led to me. I tell everyone who will listen about Ike's big win.
Incredible performance in the true tournament of champions.

Speaker 2 Yeah, really cool.

Speaker 1 Won the quarterfinals, almost won the semis. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's a big deal.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what a guy.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 You fell in love. Do you want to tell people?

Speaker 2 I have a big story. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Let's talk about this. I need to wait.
Yeah, he can, he'll have his time.

Speaker 2 Yesterday was such a weird day for me.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 You know, in television?

Speaker 1 Yes, I know television.

Speaker 2 Do you know about it? The industry? Yeah.

Speaker 2 In television series, sometimes there's an episode called a bottle episode. It's an episode that's sort of a one-off episode in the middle of the series.

Speaker 2 It normally doesn't really take place in the same location. It has fewer of the like regular characters.
It's sort of a one-off episode.

Speaker 1 It's a cost-saving episode. Exactly.
Yep.

Speaker 2 Yesterday was the bottle episode of my life.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 I had a bottle episode.

Speaker 1 Okay, wow.

Speaker 2 Yesterday, I had to, we had nothing. We weren't recording.
We had the day off. We had the day off.
It was going to be great. Uh-huh.
You know, I was going to have time to edit and get ahead.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Meet you.
I was going to do research of Thursday's guest.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Nose to the

Speaker 2 grindstone.

Speaker 2 And, but I did have one thing to do, which is go to Santa Monica

Speaker 2 for my face. Yes.

Speaker 2 Shout out again to Jen at Corrective Skincare. She's just changed my face.

Speaker 1 I mean, she's really taking you to new places.

Speaker 1 She really is i'm so grateful for her um anyway so i had to go to santa monica but side question sounds perverse but i am sincere yeah like men's butt cheeks are not appealing they're like hairy and they just look terrible in general sometimes they're nice and you see those ones on tv like if they're good enough you're you'll be a star yeah Do you think they could do buttons, like really get your butt cheeks looking healthy and

Speaker 1 moisturized and like pink and appealing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 If you cared about that, I'm sure.

Speaker 1 But is your face the same as your butt? I guess the skin is skin.

Speaker 2 Skin is skin, but not really. Like the issues that you'd have on your face are probably different than the ones on your butt cheeks.
I don't know which specific ones you're referring to.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't want to get into all the different things. I wish were more attractive about my butt cheeks.

Speaker 2 But do you want like.

Speaker 1 Because what's happening is my butt is getting bigger, which has been my goal for 40 years.

Speaker 1 Yes. Through all this cycling.
Yeah. And I look at it in the mirror and I'm like, great.
It has the shape I want, but I want it to look like a male model's nude butt.

Speaker 2 Like, well, do you just want to get it waxed? I mean, you mentioned hair earlier. So I can only imagine.

Speaker 1 I don't. I mean, I don't, but I do.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. Well, I think first step would be that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then see where we're at sort of serums and moisture. But just also, my butt cheeks have never been in the sun, or very minimally, have they ever been in the sun?

Speaker 1 So they're the palest part of my body. I don't like that part.
Sure. Let's just say there was no hair.
Let's say there's no hair and it looks great, other than it's just stark white.

Speaker 2 If you want me to want it,

Speaker 2 I don't think so. You could do self-tanner.

Speaker 1 On my butt cheeks. Yeah.
If you really care. All right.
Is there a such thing as self-tanner, or is it just a

Speaker 1 tinted moisturizer you're using? Or can you put a cream on that? It'll make them melt. No, no.
It's just a tint.

Speaker 2 It's a tint. I think.
I mean, it might help.

Speaker 1 I don't know. God, I wish my butt cheeks were brown.

Speaker 1 Really do. I did for when in Rome,

Speaker 1 because I had so many revealing scenes and I was a male model. I was getting spray tanned the whole time while I was in New York.
Yep.

Speaker 1 And I will say, I was like, oh, I like that my butt is that color. That's nice.

Speaker 2 You could get another spray. You could get back into spray tan.

Speaker 1 Maybe I'll look in the like offer up or one of these sites and buy

Speaker 1 a used decommissioned spray tanning booth so so I can do it at home. It is very embarrassing.

Speaker 2 Why don't you just also, you could suntan them?

Speaker 1 Yes, I would love to. And this is one of my grievances about my life:

Speaker 1 there's so many people at my house. There's never

Speaker 1 ever, and I'll get agitated. I'll be in my backyard and I think, like, yeah, I have this beautiful backyard.
I should be able to tan my butt cheeks. No way.
Yeah. Dog walker walk in, auto walk in.

Speaker 1 My sister walks in. Oh, yikes.

Speaker 2 Do you want to go to my house and do it?

Speaker 1 Yes. Is that available? Yeah.
Okay, great. You can do all my book tanning.

Speaker 2 I might randomly come into my house.

Speaker 1 That's probably going to be an issue.

Speaker 2 But chances are less.

Speaker 1 I guess when you go out of town,

Speaker 1 I'll do my ass tanning

Speaker 1 there. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
Sorry, I interrupted you. So your face person.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 Yes. She's the best.

Speaker 2 But normally we're.

Speaker 1 Normally. All circles back.

Speaker 2 Circles. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Circles.

Speaker 2 Strong features. So, so we

Speaker 2 normally are recording. So I have to go after we're recording, which means I have to do a whole thing, right? Like I plan the face appointment at 4:45 so that I can just stay in Santa Monica.

Speaker 1 Get a bike to eat. Hopefully Molly's available.
And then she cancels, and then you don't want to go. And you say, I hate it.
And I said, Didn't you love it? I thought you were excited to go. Correct.

Speaker 2 That's what happens. And then sometimes every now and then, you tonk on the way home.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 2 this time, since we didn't have anything, I was like, oh, I can schedule it midday. I, and I can try to avoid some of this crazy traffic.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I scheduled it for 12.

Speaker 2 Relaxing morning. Actually, I had a tiny bug.
Okay. So I went to bed at eight the night before and I woke up at 10.

Speaker 1 God, am I jealous? 14 hours.

Speaker 2 Yes. I really needed it, I think.

Speaker 2 I still didn't feel that great when I woke woke up, but better based on the sleep. But anyway, so I go to Santa Monica.

Speaker 1 Your room smelled like

Speaker 1 bug plus 14 hours. Don't say that.

Speaker 2 Why couldn't it have smelled good? Maybe it did.

Speaker 1 Maybe it smelled great. You know what? It was even prettier in there after.

Speaker 2 You know, one time Delta came over. We stopped by my house to get something when we were going shopping.
And she came into my room and she said,

Speaker 2 it smells like Monica in here. I love this smell.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she would have loved it. Should have sent her over to wake you up.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 2 so I go

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 drive there. It takes forever, but it's fine.
It's fine.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 face appointment goes great. I decide I'm going to go.
This is an hour, 15-minute drive, right? It's fine. Then I decide I'm going to go to RD Kitchen afterwards.
Oh, what a treat. Montana.

Speaker 2 Montana Street. Drive there, Sit at the bar.
Have my delicious chicken sandwich. Have a cookie.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. Secret cookie.

Speaker 2 They have secret cookies there.

Speaker 2 And I don't know if I'm allowed to say that. Sorry, R ⁇ D, but that's what happened.
Get back in the car. I'm like, okay, it's an hour.
It's saying it's an hour and three minutes. Uh-oh, but

Speaker 2 I know, but okay, all right, it's fine. Start driving back.
It's, it's taking, it's going to be longer than an hour and three, it's looking like, but I'm like, it's okay. I still have time.

Speaker 2 I'm going to get my work done. It's okay.
Everything's okay. Don't panic.
Yeah. I'm on the highway.
All of a sudden, the tire warning light comes on. The light comes on.
It shows me which tire.

Speaker 2 And I was like, oh, maybe it's just like nothing, maybe just low air pressure.

Speaker 2 And then immediately, it is just, it is dropping so fast. Okay.

Speaker 2 And it hits zero.

Speaker 2 And I was like, I wonder if I can keep going.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't think it's smart. Let me pull over and see.
So I got off in Culver City, still extremely far. I had not made it very far.

Speaker 1 Almost worse, maybe. Now you're in that tangled web of traffic.
Exactly.

Speaker 2 So I get up, I go into this parking lot. And

Speaker 2 luckily, my dad had forced me over Christmas to buy this basically

Speaker 2 air pump.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 2 And it's really cool. It's digital.
You like plug it in. It tells you what the pressure is and you can fill it up.

Speaker 2 So, it did say zero, and I tried to fill it up, and it could only get to five. Okay, so it was clear there was a big issue here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, big gash or big hole.

Speaker 2 Then, I am

Speaker 2 really

Speaker 2 like deflated, defeated. I'm in fucking Culver City.

Speaker 2 Time is a ticking, like it's gonna get worse and worse and worse. Exactly, traffic is just gonna get so bad.
I don't really know what to do.

Speaker 2 Um, because

Speaker 2 big grievance, cars don't have spare spare tires anymore. Right.

Speaker 1 I mean, you probably could have driven.

Speaker 2 Okay, but I couldn't have because

Speaker 2 I

Speaker 2 ended up having to move the car to another parking spot because this woman was mad at me.

Speaker 2 And then, and it was like so bad driving from one parking spot to the other. Okay.

Speaker 2 Because these are drive flat tires. The idea, what's it called?

Speaker 1 Run flat tires.

Speaker 2 Sorry, run flat tires. It's the ideas that you can go like 50 miles on low, whatever.
But that's not true. I couldn't even go one parking spot over.
Anyway, this was all horrible.

Speaker 2 I didn't know what to do. I texted you.
I called you. You were on Kristen's set.

Speaker 2 And then you were texting me

Speaker 2 some places I could take the car. But I was like, oh, God, then I'm going to be stuck in Culver City.
Like, this is a disaster.

Speaker 2 Luckily, my dad forced me to get AAA.

Speaker 2 Actually, he pays for it.

Speaker 2 I know. It's really sweet um

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 he and so i called triple a

Speaker 2 and it says it's gonna be an hour i was like oh my god just i want to die you know this free day was robbed from you let's just say yes and but also i'm like but i have to like i have to get it i got to do work i what am i gonna do yeah and it says it's gonna be an hour away and then it's not it's only 15 minutes oh wonderful that's fantastic

Speaker 2 yes but the thing is, we decide, you helped me decide that the smartest thing to do is for us to tow the car to our area

Speaker 1 to a tire shop. To a tire shop.
To go see John at American. Yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I love.
Yeah. You know, and you love.
And so I was like, God, I'm going to be in this car with this stranger.

Speaker 1 I didn't even know they let you ride with the tow truck. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You can.

Speaker 1 You can. Yeah.
Wow. Okay.
Feels like a big liability, but yeah. Right.

Speaker 2 But yes. So, so I'm like, I'm going to have to be in a car with this stranger for like an hour

Speaker 2 and a half because you're last well i had already worried about that i was like what if i tonka

Speaker 2 and then i have to pull like what am i gonna do anyway so this man comes to pick me up and he gets out of the truck and he's like what happened i was like oh no this is already a disaster and i was like well he was like did you hit something I said, I maybe, I don't know, probably, yeah, me.

Speaker 2 Well, no, it was more like, I don't don't know what happened, sir.

Speaker 1 I don't even know how I drive this thing.

Speaker 2 I am just a little girl. And then he said, okay.
And he, you know, puts it up there. And I get in his car.
And then I share my location with Jess. Cause I was like, I just, this is uncomfortable.

Speaker 2 Like, I'm about to be in a, that's scary to me, being in a car with a stranger. And I was very skeptical.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Even if they're working for a I know, but you just never know.

Speaker 2 And so then he starts talking immediately. He's chatty, you You know, well, first he says, how long do you have to wait? I said, oh, not long at all.
Oh, good.

Speaker 2 And then he like goes into a very long spiel about sometimes people have to wait hours. It's not his fault.
It's because the wine didn't train, you know, he didn't get the call.

Speaker 2 And then his son calls. He takes the call with the son.
He then tells him.

Speaker 1 He's 70, you say?

Speaker 2 He's around, I would guess, 70, I learned.

Speaker 1 Although he's black, so he could have been 90.

Speaker 2 Correct. Right.

Speaker 1 Because they aim so much better at that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but his son is like 30.

Speaker 1 Okay, so yeah, okay, maybe 65.

Speaker 2 I'm not sure.

Speaker 2 So he then tells me about his son and he's worried about his son, but he's doing good, but he's worried. He does have some mental health problems.
And then we talk the whole ride.

Speaker 2 He's going three miles an hour. Okay, sure.
So I think he's concentrating on the chat. A little bit.
And I did think, oh my God, because the shop closed at five. This was around three.

Speaker 2 And I was like, I don't know that we're even gonna make it so you know i'm having a lot of this turmoil of oh like i just don't want to be here

Speaker 2 yes i don't want to be here i'm stuck here this is fucking sucks my day is ruined terrible free day yep and and then i'm like i gotta like start doing email or talking to someone and and then he's he said

Speaker 2 his name is ted yeah

Speaker 2 says

Speaker 2 you know kind of kids these days are really addicted to their phones and he'll have a lot of people on that are just, you know, they're addicted to their phones.

Speaker 1 And so I was like, oh, God, yeah, he judoed you.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I was like, I can't, I need to be present here.
Yeah. And then he said some really sweet stuff about he likes being the part of people's day.
Like it's a, you know, their day is gone bad. Yep.

Speaker 2 And he likes to. This is the solution.
Yeah. He likes to help people.
And then I was like, you know what? I'm just going to be present for Ted.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Not going to answer the phone. Now we talked the whole way.
Yeah. And then it was so i really liked it so so nice and kind and sweet and lovely

Speaker 2 and it was a bottle episode and it mostly took place in the car very cheap to shoot yeah exactly exactly and uh yeah he told me all these all these sweet stories about his life and um

Speaker 1 I just really see what he's saying he asked you if you're

Speaker 2 well first he said first he he looked at me and he said you're Filipino yep yeah and I said no no, I'm not an Indian. He said, I knew that.
I know.

Speaker 1 See, this is where I'm jealous of people that are minorities because you're free to guess. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I wasn't offended.

Speaker 1 Exactly. Yeah.
Because he's black. You're like, great.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he was so good-hearted.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So am I, Monica.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you are. You are.
You are. You are.

Speaker 2 But anyway, he said, hold on a second.

Speaker 1 Let me see if I can see Filipino.

Speaker 1 I can see it a little bit. In you, Rob? Yeah, I can see it a little bit.
You can? Yeah. Well.
Oh, wow. Yeah, Filipinos have

Speaker 1 uncharacteristically big round eyes for Asians. Sure.
Right, Rob? Yep. Yeah, we can say that.
Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because Rob is part

Speaker 2 of it. And people forget Rob is part Filipino, according to him.

Speaker 1 25% Filipino. My wife is half Filipino and her family's all Filipinos.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and so you're decided you are also the.

Speaker 1 He's our resident expert on Filipinos.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So anyway,

Speaker 2 he thought I was Filipino. I said, no, Indian.
He said, no, I knew that. I knew that.
He was really upset with himself that he had messed that up.

Speaker 2 But then he said, yeah, but like, kind of like you could be anything. I was like, yeah, I could be anything, you know.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 we all.

Speaker 2 So he told me all these sweet stories and about blessings. And, you know, he.
Stuff you knew about India or? No, just in general, blessings in life.

Speaker 2 And he gave his step-granddaughter, who he's calls, who calls him his dad. He's very close to her.

Speaker 2 She was moving from elementary school to middle school, and she needed new clothes. And so she asked her dad for these, for money, her grandpa dad.

Speaker 2 And he was like, oh, I didn't know what to do because I only had $250 in my bank account. I wasn't, you know, doing very well then, but I gave her $200.

Speaker 1 I was like, oh, damn. Yeah, now you're you're like, I'm a terrible person.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I thought, oh, like when he was telling me this story, I really thought the world did this today.

Speaker 2 The world made me stop and have a real conversation with a real person living a real life.

Speaker 2 Real challenges and is also like so beautiful, has this great optimistic view on life. And here I am like, I can't go do my edit.
Like, so fucking dumb. And, and my free days ruined.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 All I got was chicken sandwich and this facial. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, he, it was like, I knew, I was supposed to.

Speaker 1 He was a perspective.

Speaker 2 Uh, I was supposed to meet Ted. I really was supposed to meet Ted.

Speaker 1 Did he also go ahead? I want to hear about that. Okay, hold on, but I'm not done.

Speaker 2 So he, he said, he, he said, but it was a blessing. It was, he couldn't believe it because the next day, also, there's a lot of in-between parts of the story.

Speaker 2 A woman he was seeing at the time ended up taking the

Speaker 2 grandbaby shopping

Speaker 2 because he didn't go. He didn't want to go.
He asked the mom if the new girlfriend could go. And then it turns out she needed a bra.
So he was glad he didn't go.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We were all happy for Ted that he didn't have to go endure that.

Speaker 2 And then the next day, an old friend calls, just catching up. And then the old friend says, oh, hey, man, you know what? I owe you $200.

Speaker 2 he was like I was shocked yeah because I just given this money and then I got it back and yeah it was a beautiful story anyway had a great great hour and a half long ride with Ted yeah I

Speaker 2 succumbed to the situation I was like you know what here I am you surrendered correct I surrendered I became

Speaker 2 I accept it you succame I think that's a word you can say so then you know oh at one point he says You look 25, but because we had talked about my parents, you know, we, we know each other so well now.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.

Speaker 2 So he, he knew my parents' ages. So he said, You look 25, but you're what, probably, and then you're like, maybe you're 35.
And I said, I'm 37. And he said, wow, yeah, wow.

Speaker 2 And then, you know, then by then, when we were pulling up, I am glad this happened at the end. Okay.
We were pulling up to John, John's shop. Yeah.
And he said,

Speaker 2 Do you have kids? And I said, no, I don't. And he said, oh, man, no, you got to have kids.
You got to have a, you got to have, you got to have a girl that looks just like you.

Speaker 2 And I was like, that's really sweet, Ted. Thank you.
And he said, but you have a husband. Right.
And I said, no, I don't have a husband. And then he almost drove the truck off the road.

Speaker 1 I bet.

Speaker 2 He really, he really was surprised

Speaker 2 by that. And he said, well, then everyone's dumb or blind.
There we go. It's just very, very, very nice.
And I said, well, that's sweet.

Speaker 2 But, you know, I was like, well, part of it's me, you know, he was like, you took a little ownership over the years.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, I said,

Speaker 2 I said, well, I,

Speaker 2 I work hard and I'm busy and I don't really, you know, date that much. And then he said, I said, so, you know, part of that's me.
He said, well, are you tough?

Speaker 2 And I was like, yeah, I'm tough and I have high expectations. And I said, and also.

Speaker 1 What if he said, do you not clean house? Is that?

Speaker 2 No, he was very progressive. As you'll about, you're you're about to hear.
I said, well, you know, also a lot of men are threatened by accomplished women. He said,

Speaker 2 I've been hearing this. I've been hearing this.
And I really don't understand it. I don't understand why if you couldn't be with a smart woman,

Speaker 2 why wouldn't you be with the smart woman?

Speaker 1 Yeah, right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So he gave me his phone number and he said, maybe we could go to lunch. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he said, and he said, we could maybe go to lunch sometime. He's like, oh my God.
He wasn't asking me out.

Speaker 2 He wasn't asking me out. He just wants to maybe, we could develop some sort of relationship where we go to lunch.
Yeah. And

Speaker 2 I said, yeah, absolutely. And then I gave him a tip.
Okay, great. And he was, he like, you know, took the money and he said, I'm going to save a lot of this for our lunch.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 I love him. I love him.
I love him.

Speaker 2 He's the nicest person I've ever met. Yeah.
I think when I told Jess Story, he said, this is when you like, you do the review and you're like, Ted was great.

Speaker 2 And they say, Ted's been dead for eight years.

Speaker 1 Ted stopped driving for us in 06 when he passed. I know.
He's like a ghost.

Speaker 2 He's a ghost angel.

Speaker 1 Yeah, ghost angel.

Speaker 2 It was a beautiful experience.

Speaker 2 And I was really, I was really grateful for it. Good.
And I needed it. I needed it.

Speaker 1 You learned a lesson by the end of the bottle episode.

Speaker 2 You always do.

Speaker 1 You got to learn a lesson. You forget it the next episode, but you do learn it.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. This morning I woke up and I was like, fuck, I didn't do anything I was supposed to do.

Speaker 1 I'm not Filipino, you racist motherfucker. I know.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, and I decided to give in to the rest of the day. I didn't do any of the things I was supposed to do.
I didn't answer any emails.

Speaker 1 I don't know why I thought of this. Maybe because this story is so sweet, and then I just naturally have to think of something terrible.
Go ahead. What if he had said he's talking about the then?

Speaker 1 So I sent my girlfriend to go take her shopping, and that worked out. You know, but unfortunately, we broke up.

Speaker 1 she said my penis was too big for her

Speaker 2 ted would never say that ted would never say that

Speaker 1 stay tuned for more armchair expert

Speaker 1 if you dare

Speaker 1 a diamond is forever here on the show we talk to guests about their past where they are today and what they want for the future and it kind of makes you realize you're never really done are you you're constantly constantly changing, shedding old versions of yourself to reveal someone stronger, smarter, funnier even.

Speaker 1 Although my kids might argue that the point is, you're evolving, becoming better every day.

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Speaker 1 I wonder if anyone's ever said they broke up with someone, though, because they're

Speaker 1 not being. Well, I think it really has happened though, whether you would say that or not.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm not going to give too many details, but I do know a tangential story of someone

Speaker 1 who spoke of their ex-boyfriend and said his dick was too big he had such a big dick yeah i've heard that yeah yeah yeah yeah it's not for everyone i think i'm gonna say too too big is worse than too small well yeah if it's painful exactly yeah yeah that's a part of um not best in show but waiting for goffman oh i love that where he had to get penis reduction surgery i don't remember that yeah yeah i should re-watch that

Speaker 2 anyway let's not not mire this sweet story about Ted.

Speaker 2 He didn't say anything like that, and he was a beautiful man. And I'm grateful I met him.

Speaker 1 I guess my only update is I had a first date that went really, really well.

Speaker 2 I want to hear all about this. So real quick, I do want to just say publicly, I just want to thank you for helping me.

Speaker 1 Oh, my pleasure. Because you did.
It's rare I feel very helpful. Your interests are not things I can generally help with.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You're never calling me.
You're not getting screens to buy and stuff. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, oh my God, they didn't have the sweater. Don't you know a guy? I don't, right? I don't know anything about any of that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But yes, if you have a tire problem, I'm like, on it. Here's three places by you.

Speaker 1 Here's my guy, John. I text John.
This car is coming. So get this tire already ordered.

Speaker 2 That's why it's perfect because I don't need you for jeans. Like I have my own expertise there.

Speaker 2 But when I'm sitting in the parking lot of a Sprouts in Culver City and I'm like, I guess I live in the United States.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go to Ted Seeger's.

Speaker 1 Fuck. Should have went.

Speaker 1 killed a couple cans of Ted Seeger.

Speaker 2 When I think, like, I guess I live here now in this parking lot.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right, right. This is my new reality.

Speaker 2 Then it is very helpful to have someone who knows how to help get me out of there.

Speaker 1 Oh, my pleasure.

Speaker 2 I appreciate it.

Speaker 1 I wish you had more flat tires. Not for you, but for my usefulness.

Speaker 2 I only need one TED experience like once every 10 years. Okay.

Speaker 1 All right. I'll hear from you again in 2035.

Speaker 2 Anyway, so you had a great date.

Speaker 1 I had a date, yeah. A Sunday date, which is a very fun day to have a date.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 my

Speaker 1 date was Walton. Walton Goggins.
Walton Goggins, goggle glasses, Uncle Baby Billy's probably ball bunglers.

Speaker 1 And he had worked like 90 hours that week. You know, he's shooting Fallout, which is a real show to shoot.
I mean, he's in makeup for hours. He's on cables.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I think the mood was right. Like, I think he was just so grateful to have a fucking day off and to chill and to sauna and a hot tub.

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 you never know how these first dates are going to go yeah and it was just really fun but then we got in a zone in the hot tub i bet we were in the hot tub together for an hour and a half just really shriveled up digging in yeah

Speaker 1 pruned up

Speaker 1 and uh

Speaker 1 yeah it was just really wonderful we have so many similar vibey things so i think that's my full update on life is i had a really fun date and i look forward to more and then i found out last night while we were texting that we both worship while and Jennings.

Speaker 1 This is just really going well.

Speaker 2 Did you you should watch his architectural digest? There's a video of it? Yes. They do video, they do house tours of cool.

Speaker 1 I saw pictures of the architectural digest thing. The house in the Hudson Valley.
There's a video.

Speaker 2 It's gorgeous.

Speaker 1 It's gorgeous. He's so neat.
He's like been obsessed. I learned on Sunday.

Speaker 1 Like he used to just, when he was a broke actor, he spent almost all of his free time in these furniture stores of these really fancy furnitures and different like home decor places. Yeah, art.

Speaker 1 And you just spend a bunch of time there. And they'd say to him, like, what, this is your like 10th time in here.
He's like, yeah, yeah, I can't afford to buy anything, but I just love this stuff.

Speaker 1 And then a couple of really beautiful things where the one dude was like, well, how much do you have in your pocket?

Speaker 1 And sold him something for crazy cheap. Really? Yeah.
So he's, he's so genuinely.

Speaker 2 I used to go to lots of home stores before I could afford it. No one offered me.

Speaker 1 You got to go 30 days in a row. And then they got to want to get rid of you.
I'm like, what is it in here you could walk out with and then i never see you again

Speaker 2 oh how sweet yeah he has great tastes oh yeah fantastic taste what a stylish dude did you notice what's behind you monica

Speaker 2 oh yeah okay

Speaker 2 rob has an update oh

Speaker 2 he went back to the coffee shop they only had uh one left

Speaker 2 He went back to the coffee shop and he got this merch that says Atelier BF.

Speaker 1 Vincent was with me and thought it was for him. And

Speaker 1 I kept asking him when he gets his present. Oh, Rob.

Speaker 1 This happened before with us, Rob. Did it? Yes, there's this very similar.

Speaker 1 Oh, it was when we were at

Speaker 1 the Desconso Gardens.

Speaker 2 Calvin was there.

Speaker 1 He bought something or my girls bought something.

Speaker 2 Boy, it was a lollipop and he gave it to me.

Speaker 1 He offered it to me. And then you had to go rebuy it, right? Calvin, I told him he could get one thing from the gift shop.
He got a lollipop and he gave it to Monica. Yeah.
All right.

Speaker 1 I knew I remembered it. And then you had to sneak back in and get another.

Speaker 2 These kids are the sweetest.

Speaker 2 It is really.

Speaker 2 I feel bad that we aren't giving this to Vinny.

Speaker 1 He's giving us a million stuffy.

Speaker 1 If it weren't for that, I'd give him it. It's good for our spoiled kids to not get something every now and then.
But wow, a tiny best. What is this?

Speaker 1 I think it's a like Sasquatch. The box says.
Oh, God.

Speaker 1 Keep holding it up to me because I'm getting something.

Speaker 1 I'm really getting something.

Speaker 1 Like one of three best friends.

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, we can collect.

Speaker 1 Oh, I know what it looks like. It looks like alf.

Speaker 1 Turn it around and stare at the nose. It really is alf adjacent.

Speaker 2 This is Mocha. It says barista, mocha, and designer fluffy boy and brown are longtime best friends.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's nice.

Speaker 2 Brown. So maybe, okay, Rob is mocha, you're fluffy boy, and I'm brown.

Speaker 1 Oh, wonderful.

Speaker 2 That's really cute.

Speaker 1 And you're both Filipino, and I'm still over here as a caucusoid.

Speaker 1 Boring. Anywho, well, maybe one of my daughters will marry someone.

Speaker 1 And then that'll make me 12% or whatever. Yeah.

Speaker 2 All right. Well, we're a little bit on a time crunch.
I did.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we'll say that for the next time. No, we'll say it for next time.

Speaker 2 Okay. So this is for Ike.

Speaker 2 We just love Ike so much.

Speaker 2 Now, you said there's a saying, 10 feet tall and something.

Speaker 2 And then you said, and Bulletproof, question mark. There's a song called 10 Feet Tall and Bulletproof.
It's by Travis Tritt, 1994.

Speaker 2 There's also a ding, ding, ding

Speaker 2 quote from Eastbound and Down, 10 feet tall and strong as an ox.

Speaker 1 Nice. Kind of a hybrid.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Richest man in Mexico, Carlos Slim.

Speaker 1 Still,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 His wealth is fluctuating. Oh, why do you want to do a crypto

Speaker 1 of Bitcoin? Yep. Boy, I wonder what it's at.

Speaker 2 Cost of Bitcoin:

Speaker 2 $85,675.

Speaker 1 That's a little lower, or had it gone, what was the nadir of the farmer? I don't remember.

Speaker 2 Well, I don't remember the lowest it's gone so far, but it's

Speaker 2 been declining. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 now

Speaker 2 what is EBITDA?

Speaker 2 EBITDA. A company's earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation, and

Speaker 2 amortization. That's a hard word for me, amortization.

Speaker 1 Amortization. Yeah, I don't know.
I like to say amortized. Oh, that reminds me.
I went to Lauren Graham's birthday party. Oh, yeah.
And her father was there, who we spoke about a bunch, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 He learned Vietnamese when he was in college and went over to Vietnam. Uh-huh.
And I was having to explain this to numerous people I was sitting with, and I kept saying it wrong.

Speaker 1 And I thought, God, this is so rough for him because he

Speaker 1 speaks it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And it'd be like if you were around me and you kept calling it Imdian.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it'd be offensive. And I try my hardest.

Speaker 1 One neat thing he taught me about V

Speaker 1 is that

Speaker 1 you can say the same five words.

Speaker 1 Like they're the same five words. But it's your tone that changes the word dramatically.

Speaker 1 So you could say the same sentence, but if you don't have the tone, and then it kind of explained when I'm listening to them speak, it does sound really kind of all over the map tonally.

Speaker 2 Oh, interesting.

Speaker 1 And that's because that's how they're changing the meaning of the word. Cool.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I like that. He gave some great examples of words, like the same sentence means this if you're up here, and then it means this if you're down here.
Oh, nice.

Speaker 2 Okay, is progeria when you're aging really quickly? Yes.

Speaker 2 Rare genetic disorder that causes premature aging in children.

Speaker 1 I hate that disease. I know.

Speaker 2 Who was the other person in Jeopardy semifinals with Ike? There was Ben Chan and then Jared Watson. He was the other one.

Speaker 1 Okay, Jared Watson.

Speaker 1 By the way, Jackie beat

Speaker 1 Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Speaker 2 I'm so proud of Jackie. That's awesome.
Yeah. He said 1995 Bill Clinton signed National Hugs Act.
That was a joke. That's not real.
It's not real. Okay.
And I'm sad about it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I wish it was real.
Although, an excuse for a lot of unwanted hugs, if it's a national,

Speaker 1 people are like, I'm so sorry. I just got to do this.
Honk, honk, honk. Aruga, Aruga.
Yeah. Tune in Tokyo.
National hugs.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 2 I guess we did dodge a bullet there. Okay, did Marilyn Manson.

Speaker 1 You did, not me.

Speaker 2 Well, I don't think you would like some person coming up to you random going, honk, honk, tune in, Tokyo.

Speaker 1 Aruga. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that.

Speaker 1 If they throw an aruga my way, I might be able to deal with it.

Speaker 2 Okay. Did Marilyn Manson take his ribs out so he could suck his own dick? No.

Speaker 1 To hear you say it that way is so funny.

Speaker 2 He didn't do it.

Speaker 1 He didn't do it, though. Yeah.
It turns out he could suck his own dick with all of his ribs. Yeah, he didn't need to remove any.
What a bizarre urban legend.

Speaker 2 Did Bruce Springsteen kiss Clarence Clements?

Speaker 1 Oh, yes. They did.

Speaker 2 They kissed many times. I think they kiss all the time.
At the end of the song Thunder Road, Clarence said that it just happened spontaneously the first time because Bruce was kneeling down by him.

Speaker 2 They loved each other like brothers and it just seemed natural. Then I guess they made it into a thing.
Okay, he talked about eating a gigantic sandwich.

Speaker 1 Right. During the writer's sessions with Mindy.

Speaker 2 And the way he was talking about that sandwich.

Speaker 1 You can sell it.

Speaker 2 I wanted it so bad, and then I ate, I got a gigantic sandwich immediately after he left.

Speaker 1 Dagwood?

Speaker 2 No, it was turkey. What's a dagwood?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you should look it up, but it's just an enormous sandwich. My grandmother used to say, do you want a dagwood? And it was just like, it would be

Speaker 1 seven inches tall with like lettuce and tomato and this and that.

Speaker 1 Tall multi-layer sandwich made with a variety of meats, cheeses, and condiments.

Speaker 2 But is it different than a sub?

Speaker 1 It's taller with just like regular, more vertical white bread. Oh, like the house is on the white bread.

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't think the bread matters, but like a typical loaf.

Speaker 2 Oh, interesting. Okay.
Anyway, I think he could sell sandwiches like as a second career.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he could do anything.

Speaker 2 Just by saying I ate a sandwich, like it

Speaker 2 really got me. Okay, who's the rat race actor who looks like Ike? His name is Vince Vilouf.
Vince Viloof. V-I-E-L-U-F.

Speaker 2 Is fucking through a sheet

Speaker 1 hot?

Speaker 2 Well, that is no question, yes. CBD.

Speaker 2 But no, is it a thing in the Hasidic Jewish community? No.

Speaker 2 Let's just put that to rest. Yeah, it's not.

Speaker 1 Let's bring it up in five months again. Yeah, we will.

Speaker 2 And then Miesel Tov,

Speaker 2 you say at the end of the episode, that's an old callback. You used to say it all the time.
Our early listeners will remember it well.

Speaker 1 I thought I was on Twitter still.

Speaker 2 You weren't saying it because measles have had an outbreak. It was an old callback.

Speaker 1 That's it. That was everything.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Let me shout it from the rooftops. I love Ike Baron.

Speaker 1 I think he might be the perfect person.

Speaker 2 He's a great person.

Speaker 1 Because he does, he's kind of like, remember when Jonah Nolan rolled up and you're like, this guy's a genius?

Speaker 1 Same with Ike. That's so good.

Speaker 2 Mix Messi's. I love that.
We love Mix Messies.

Speaker 1 Yeah. All right.
All right. Love you.
Love you.

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Speaker 1 Mom and dad, uh, mom and mom, dad and dad, whatever, parents, are you about to spend five hours in the car with your beloved kids this holiday season? Driving to old granny's house?

Speaker 1 I'm setting the scene. I'm picturing screaming, fighting, back-to-back hours of the K-pop Demon Hunter soundtrack on repeat.

Speaker 1 Well, when your ears start to bleed, I have the perfect thing to keep you from rolling out of that moving vehicle. Something for the whole family.
He's filled with laughs. He's filled with rage.

Speaker 1 The OG Green Gronk give it up for me, James Austin Johnson, as the Grinch.

Speaker 1 And like any insufferable influencer these days, I'm bringing my crew of lesser talented friends along for the ride with A-list guests like Gronk, Mark Hamill, and the Jonas Brothers, whoever they are.

Speaker 1 There's a little bit of something for everyone. Listen to Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast, wherever you get your podcasts.