Andrew Schulz

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Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert.

I'm Dan Rather, and I'm joined by Monica Padman.

Hi.

Hi. Today we have a guest that I've been following on Instagram for a couple years now.

I went and saw him do stand-up on a first date with McConaughey in Austin. Andrew Scholes.
And he's also an actor. Okay.
This is fun because you were on the fence about Andrew. Yeah.
About some of his comedy. Yeah.
And before he came, I said, yeah, you come on in. We'd love to have you, but there'll be some pushback.
So this was a very unique and fun episode. It was.
You guys got to really hash it out. Yeah, it was.
It was really engaging. He was great.
And yeah, it was. So this one's really political.
I guess that's what I want to say up front. Yeah.
We try to avoid politics. This one where I was was like there's no way we do this without going all in yes I agree so there's going to just be some people if we choose to have them which I think we should I think we should have everyone on yeah um that if you ignore that piece I think that's problematic right like I think we have to ask so for me it was very fun because we never do it and also in the middle of it i was like yeah this is why we never do it because we're in the you know we're getting very granular about this policy or that and this year and whatever but i um i thought it was thrilling to sit kind of on the sidelines and watch the whole thing yeah yeah it was fun and Andrew has a new comedy special out now called Life on Netflix.
Beautiful standup really about him and his wife's journey to having a kid, which is really, really sweet. It is.
And he also has two very popular podcasts. He might even have more, but Flagrant and The Brilliant Idiot.
So check out both podcasts and Life on Netflix. Please enjoy Andrew Scholl's.
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Hi, Shabby Vinsor. Hi, Monica.
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Thanks for having me.

Yes, of course. Did he warn you about my wrath?

In so many ways, yeah.

Yeah, he said, I don't know what you said.

You were like, can I come by? I got a special coming out.

And I said, oh my God, I'd love to have you.

But I also want you to know you're going to walk into some pushback.

And you said, let's party. Yeah, which I appreciate.
I think that makes which i appreciate it better yeah i do too but don't go too soft on me no don't you worry okay what's the hardest anyone's gone on you have you ever actually been in like a gotcha situation like gotcha interview i don't know what there is to get you're not hiding anything yeah your worst side is out in public probably i guess i can sleep at night but also it's less maybe interviews but more conversations will somebody will point something out and i'll just be like oh okay i see why that's interpreted in that way right right right yeah so i'm never like gone full do you see this clash i'd never talk about politics but with zelinski yes this is worth repeating wait what z J.D. Vance and Trump at a news conference, and it is a screaming match.
Even before it started, they're kind of roasting him for not wearing a suit. They're like, yeah, you can't wear a suit to the Oval Office.
And then he's like, I'm in a war. Yeah, I'm dealing with some shit.
Trump's like, you don't have good cards. He's like, I'm not playing cards.
This is for real. This dude is in a war.
I know it's a card. I think they thought that they were going to announce the stop to it.
I think they thought there was going to be an agreement and that's why they had it. And then it became kind of combative just to put all my cards on the table.
I'm rooting for the Ukraine like crazy from the second it started. They invaded you.
Bullies. Let's go.
Let's help. That's where I stand.
Then I read something yesterday where I was like, oh, I think I see what's happening. So Trump wants to be completely divorced of China.
China has 74% of the rare earth minerals. Ukraine's got a ton of them.
And Trump's like, hey, we've given you $300 billion. You pay us back in those.
We're free from China. And I was like, oh, maybe this whole thing is starting to make sense.
And then I saw this news conference. I'm like, I don't know if there's any game plan.
They were just going to bring them there and fucking brawl beat them? We can't ever be free of China, right? They make shit. We buy shit.
Everything in this room is probably from China. And that's okay.
I agree. What's the problem? I think we should all be working together.
This is a better world. What is it? Two countries with McDonald's have never gone to war? I mean, Ukraine and Russia are fighting right now, and surely they got McDonald's.
But the idea... McDonald's was one that pulled out in the immediate...
But then they just put FickDonald's. Yes, exactly.
They don't have Coca-Cola. They have Focacola, whatever it is.
You're still making the money. Isn't Fanta just Nazi Coke? Is it? Oh, no, it's orange.
Isn't Fanta orange? I don't know if it was the Coca-Cola company. Oh, God.
You guys need a right time. Fact check.
We will fact check. By the way, that's not who you want to be in a court case with.
Coca-Cola. Why is it that bad? Well, they got some deep pockets.
They do have deep pockets. Your pockets.
From all that Nazi money. I think they might sponsor this show.
Oh, shoot. I'm sorry.
My bad. We love Coke.
It was Pepsi. That's right.
It was Pepsi that went out there. I don't care if I found out terrible stuff about Coke.
I will not stop drinking Diet Coke. Is it trashy to do this? I've got a Sprite and a Nicotine Man.
I love that you were doing the Nicotine Banaco on the pod when you came over because I didn't understand what it was, but we got to feel something. All right.
Anyway. So tell me, I want to know all your things.
I want to know all your things. I have a theory.
Okay, sure. You don't mind.
I would love to hear your theory. I'd like to have the standard approach we always do.
Let's get to know Andrew as a boy. Yeah.
Okay. Here's my thing.
Knowing in the back of my head that there's a thing. It's going to make you uneasy? I don't know if it's uneasy, but I'm almost just like, let's just get through what you think.
Okay. And then we'll eventually get to- I just find it's very powerful to hear someone's real story to find out where are they coming from.

I agree.

I should probably trust you guys.

You guys have done pretty well at this podcasting thing.

I think hearing about you and your background and your life is important.

All right, let's do it.

Talk to me.

Well, first and most exciting is your mother is a bombshell.

Thank you.

And when I was on your show, we discussed, well, I asked.

She is a professional ballroom dancer. Ooh, la la.
Three-time U.S. ballroom dance champion.
Not a big deal. Okay.
Three-time. The GOAT.
Who's the most winningest ever? Is there a woman with six or seven titles under her? We don't talk about those women. Under her dance belt? We don't discuss those women at all.
Those women are dead. Not in my family.
Ginger Rogers and Sandra Cameron. Those are the only female ballroom dancers we've talked about.
Okay, mom yes from scotland born and raised in scotland when did she come 20s young maybe like 20 22 or something like that okay you thought 1920s well also you paired with the old banshan dancing and i was like how the fuck old your mom's honored she's a flapper no they came over here when she was working for the australian embassy and then like found some way to get over here through there. In pursuit of dancing? Yeah.
And then Andrew and his sweet father and mother had a ballroom dancing studio in lower Manhattan. So yeah, my mom had a ballroom dance studio.
My dad used to work in the news business. He was producing stories for NBC.
And he did some cool stories. Like he did the first ever story on hip hop music for NBC.
So in the 80s. Yeah.
And he would go up and interview all these boxers. That's why I'm a boxing fan.
My dad and I would just watch all these boxing fights. So there's like old footage of my dad shadow boxing with Muhammad Ali.
Oh my God. Cool.
And he was in Vietnam. He was in the army during that time, but they wouldn't send him over.
Too tall. Too tall.
No. Because in the army, he asked to go over.
He was like, this is the war of my generation. I don't really know what's going on.
I kind of know what people are telling me what's going on, but I'd like to see it. Can I go over in any capacity? I don't want to go shoot people.
I'll take pictures, whatever you want. And then what they said is everybody has a role in the army and that you have to stick to that role and we need you for whatever reason.
This is back in the day. My dad's pretty old too.
He's like 82. So he just walked into WBAL.

This is Baltimore.

This is where Oprah got her start.

He asked him if he could be a journalist.

He charmed them.

No, he had a horrible stutter.

And he had to work on it as an adult.

That's charming, though.

People have a lot of compassion for someone with a stutter.

Well, he worked on it first.

Perfecting the stutter? This is like King's speech.

Perfecting it, making it great.

Making him imperceptible when he spoke. But it was a time where you could like walk in and you could just put in an application to be an on-air reporter.
Yeah. That's what he did.
So he was on air first. And then when he came up to New York, he was producing stories.
So he wasn't on air. He was looking at cool stuff.
And was that the business that supported everything? Was he successful enough? My mom was the breadwinner. And then my dad left the business and then started running the business with my mom.
And did you ever work there? Yeah. Did you dance? I can dance a little.
Okay. Yeah, my mom kind of had...
I didn't answer. Okay.
So my mom, she didn't really pressure us because she kind of had a stage mom, so she was terrified of putting that pressure on us. But yeah, we learned the basics.
You can be at a wedding and be the best person at the wedding. I don't know about the best, but I'll chop it up.
At a wedding, the bar is so low. The bar is low, especially for white dudes too.
Yes. I can do Running Man and I crush.
But can you do any ethnic shit? Hit me. What are the options? I like to do the Greek thing.
That's fine. Yeah, I guess they're ethnic.
They're the most off-white white. They're an ethnicity, Andrew.
They are an ethnicity. So it begins.
Well, I don't have a problem with you saying white people. Not an ethnicity.
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine with that. I don't think white is an ethnicity.
Well, white's not. Exactly, I agree.
But Scottish is. Definitely the Greeks, they started it all.
Hellenic studies. So they say.
I think Africa really started it all. The Rift Valley started it all.
But the Greeks, boy, they gave us a lot of stuff. Why did we just skip in Asia? Asia's involved big time.
They gave us some stuff. You got a real boner for Asia because you want all our shit to be built in China.
And now you're coming back with their cultural contributions. I'm just saying we talk about the beginning of civilization and we kind of skip, especially religion.
We skip what's happening over there in India, don't we? Oh yeah. It's a big one.
Well, the Indus Valley, also one of the very early civilizations. You did psych in college.
I did anthro. So I'm hip to what was happening in these different regions.
Great contributions, but Western Civ starts in Greece. In Greece.
Okay. Fair enough.
What is Greece? What is it? Is it even a place? It's not really a place. It's a bunch of little cities.
It's an bunch of little tribes that have now become a place, historically speaking. But back in the day, they would never go, I'm Greek.
It was just the dominant culture. It was the dominant language.
But there was nothing that unified these places. They were ready to go to war.
They warred a lot. Like, is Alexander the Great Greek or is he Macedonian? Both.
He's one. He's Macedonian.
And then the Macedonians get no credit for whatever the fuck he did isn't that unfair that's like saying is he an angelino or is he american no because they weren't a unified country that's fair italy's not even a unified country until 40 years ago back up andrew yeah no zero to 800 rome is entirely unified in fact they've unified all of europe the roman, the Roman Empire. Zero to 800, yeah.
And then after that. The Visigoths and the Ostegoths come down from Gaul, which is Germany.
But I didn't say Rome. I said Italy.
Yes, wonderful. It's changed names.
Oh, wow. I didn't see this.
You thought you guys were going to be bigger. I didn't see this coming.
All right, moving on to the dance. What kind of jobs? you mopping? Were you talking to all these older women who were dancing? Yeah, I mean, just hanging around.
When I was really young, I'd pretend to teach with my mom. She would just kind of have me in the class and I'd just kind of stand next to her while she was doing it.
Sometimes she would demonstrate with me and that was really exciting. I got to show off my cha-cha right now in front of all these adults.
And probably everyone thought you were so cute. Probably.
This could be the birth of your confidence. You know what's interesting? If I'm going to reflect on that, I was aware at a young age of being cute.
I remember my mom went to like Betsy Johnson or something to like try on clothing. And I remember she would come out and I would go like, oh my God, mom, you look beautiful.
And then all the people are helping her like, oh, it's so sweet. And I was like, I just got to say that.
And then they all think I'm the nicest kid ever. I was aware of it probably too young an age.
You saw the math. Of how to be liked.
Yeah, I probably wanted them to like me. As a boy, I'm sure.
You're not dying to hear cute, but you are dying to hear some kind of approval and recognition you exist. Oh, absolutely.
There definitely has always been that need. It's scary to look at yourself like that sometimes.
Well, because it feels narcissistic? No, it feels pathetic. You're like, I just want to be liked, but that is what I do for a living.
Like I go on stage. That's the human experience.
That's not unique to performers. I agree.
We need each other and we need that kind of connection. But I wonder if the reason why I can be a confrontational with my opinions, it's me dealing with this idea that I do want to be liked, but I don't want it to be just about that.
It has to be something else. There has to be some barrier of entry.
It's not as simple as, let me just pander to you guys. That to me feels unearned.
Yep, not real. I'm just like spitting right now.
I'm with you because I have a similar ism, which is I think I want to be liked, but I want to be liked for being brave and unique. So it's not just I want general you like me because anyone could get that.
I need a very special. We're on a different level of narcissism.
It's like you can like me for how I want to be like. Exactly.
Don't you dare like me because I'm nice and kind. I feel like you would like me because I'm hot.
That's off the table. So then I think we always think of becoming attention seekers and approval junkies because we weren't getting enough.
But also the opposite could be true, which is you could get it and it's enjoyable. It was awesome.
I got so much attention. My dad was the best dad in the whole fucking world.
There wasn't a day where he wouldn't play baseball. I would have to tell him not to come to comedy shows.
To this day, his dimension is no short term memory, really. But if I asked him to come to every single comedy show that I was doing, it wouldn't even be an inconvenience.
It would just be such a knee jerk. Like, of course we'll be there until I had a kid.
I don't think I understood that. I thought that what my dad did, and I don't want to take anything away from it, but I never saw any of my friends, parents, not say shit on them, but go into the games and supporting.
Your dads in the eighties were not at any of these things. It was a different time.
He had a shitty dad. And I think that he dedicated his fatherhood experience to reversing that trend.
He knocked it out the fucking park. It's what I was used to.
And my boy Jamil was like, you do realize that your dad was the only dad at the basketball games. We played basketball for our high school.
Now, after having a daughter, there isn't a thing that I don't want to be. It's not like a burden to go to gymnastics.
I love being at gymnastics. It's a privilege.
It is seeing her just have the courage, like just walk up to people and hand them something, a book. And she just walk up.
She goes, you'll read this to me now. She's not talking, but like, this is what I want.
A little boss. You love it because those are the things you can't control in your child.
Will you be courageous? Will you have confidence? Again, you have the genetics thing. The likable thing and how you got a lot of it and you were liking, you knew how to do it.
It almost seems like that was so easy that now you want to be liked despite you want to be so unlikable, but people still like you. And that's the real proof of likability.
And by the way, I think you've done that. Oh, wow.
That's kind of cool. I know that might sound insulting, but you are extremely likable and so funny.

But I'm like, what is going on that we are going this far? And I do wonder if that's a piece of it. Are you still going to like me even if I say this, this, and this? It's so weird.
The analysis is probably right. We're looking at this in terms of the yearning to be liked, which is an uncomfortable thing to even admit about yourself.
Human. Yes.
At your core, you wish that you were like, I'm an artist and I want to create my art and I want my art to be appreciated in this one thing. You want to take opposition.
Or I want to be absurdist or I want to be vulnerable. Edgy is such a corny word now, but like I want to be, I don't know, what is it? Provocative.
Yeah, yeah. But if you peel back that layer,

there's something else there

that's probably more honest.

So yes, I agree with you.

But I'm curious about,

okay.

I'm in an interesting position, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If this were a spectrum,

I'm not with you

and I'm not with Monica.

This is like what you guys

think I am politically?

Politically, racially,

you know, all these things

that are kind of out.

Oh, the words that I'll use.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guess the provocative nature

you're saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so I'm in an interesting position because this morning I'm like, I need to do both things. This is my best friend.
If it gets dicey, you're going down. But hold on, hold on, hold on.
Yeah, yeah. It's not going to get dicey.
Let me just finish. This is just me mentally in my head.
Yeah. Very relevant.
He loves to defend. This is good.
It's a really relevant. Very likable.
piece to this that I don't think is examined much. If you are in the suburbs in a predominantly white school and you're using stereotypes and there's only five minorities there, that is a rough situation.
It's scary for those five and it's dangerous. Now, if you grew up and you're not the dominant group, you're among a very diverse group of kids.
You playing on stereotypes isn't scaring those kids. And so I think what could be really dangerous for people to do is to apply the context you're in or that you're from to somebody else and globally.
And what I will defend about you is you grew up in the East Village. You went to these schools that it wasn't all white.
Your friendship group, which I have observed is not white at all. We got a few whites.
You got a few whiteys. Yeah.
A couple of whites in there. You need it for diversity.
Yeah. We got some DEI.
But I don't think it's terribly fair for the white suburban person with no friends of color whatsoever to be telling you how you should interact with your very multi-ethnic group of friends who are all consenting and enjoying it. I don't think that's fair.
I agree with you a hundred percent. And I still have empathy for them.
The white guy from Maine who works for like NPR, who is truly trying to make the world better. Yeah.
And he's trying to protect these people that he doesn't really know. Exactly.
And he might believe that they're under attack from these things that people are saying. And his knee jerk reaction is to do the right human thing, which is to protect these people.
But his ignorance is creating an inability to understand a social dynamic that he hasn't lived. And there's ignorance that goes both ways.
You could call me a lot of things, but when you talk about other cultures and that kind of stuff, I wouldn't say ignorant is one of them. What I'm always very proud of is nobody has a more diverse audience at their comedy shows than me.
The thing that brought me to you is I saw a video of you in, I think, Taiwan. Russia? Taiwan.
Oh, no, Australia. The audience is super Asian.
Oh, yeah, the front row of all the Taiwanese guys. And you're making jokes directly to them that are very funny, very racial.
It's not behind their back. There's no sense of superiority.
It's no fun if they're not there. I don't do the joke if they're not there.
Everybody has this discomfort when they're there. It's actually more comfortable for everybody.
Right. If they're laughing, it gives you permission to laugh.
True. But even if they weren't laughing, it doesn't feel like we're hiding some nefarious act.
It feels like there's enough trust there to have fun in this moment with these people, which is what you do when you have close relationships with people from different cultures. You eventually build up enough trust and you hopefully don't go for like low hanging fruit shit where not only do they laugh at the joke, what I've seen at my shows is they feel seen.
If you can know nuance and specific things about a culture, I'm a white guy from New York. Why do I sell out arenas in the Middle East? It's because I might say specific nuanced things about what's going on there.
And they're like, what the fuck? The takeaway from that, I hope, is, oh shit, he like took a second to talk to people and learn about some things that no outsider would really know about. Most of them are coming here to party and fuck some Russian prostitute.
He's sitting down and finding out how we date and how we use airdrop pictures to hit on girls without them even knowing. And if the girl accepts it, that's how we can talk.
But we want to avoid public humiliation, so we won't walk up to a woman because culturally that might be shunt. I think that's the takeaway.
And then I think what happens is the casual sees like a 30-second with the caption. This guy's a bad guy.
They watch it with that context, which I get. Well, and a lot of people are just watching things to police, whether or not it falls into what they would do.
Yeah. Well.
Counterpoint. That's kind of my defensive view is I know what it's like to be in a poor neighborhood in Detroit, living in an apartment building where all my neighbors are everything.
And it's on because we all trust each other. We love each other.
And it's very fun for all of us. And I'm watching your special last night and I'm like, here's the truth.
A ton of Latinas and Latinos are going to be offended. None will.
And a ton are going to love it. This is where you got to understand Latin culture.
They don't care about those things. No, I did have a personal experience with this that I'll share.
But no, I think there are some Latinos living in a predominantly white suburb that they're going to see that. And it's going to be scary.
Like what joke? Just hearing you do their accent. There's going to think, Oh, I'm going to go.
This is not a reality. Wait, give me one second.
Yeah, go, go, go, go. They're hearing that they're going, fuck, I'm going to go to school.
And every white dude is going to think they can come up to me and do their Latino accent. That's a portion.
You know, I speak Spanish, right? I believe it. I'm not against you.
I'm trying to point the two options. One is that I can definitely see how that's going to happen.
And then I can also see that tons of Latinos and Latinos are going to love it. Now, my point is it's okay if a ton love it and a ton don't like it.
It's not being forced. They're not showing it at school or before movies.
Just don't watch that thing. Allow the people that like it to like it.
People are allowed to not like things. I think the big issue with comedy right now is this idea that people aren't allowed to be offended or aren't allowed to feel uncomfortable.
You can react however you want to react to anything. You're entitled to

your reaction. If you find it funny, that's great.
If you don't find it funny, that's also great.

If you feel uncomfortable and offended by it, that's great. And on a person to person interaction,

like if I'm saying something and I'm teasing you about being a cheerleader or whatever,

and you go, Hey, that was like a really uncomfortable time in my life. I don't

want you to tell me more cheerleading jokes. You know what I'll never do with you is another

cheerleading joke. I will continue to tell cheerleading jokes globally.
Globally. But to you, it's being an asshole, essentially.
I hear you. Look, I find this all extremely complicated because I...
Don't go anywhere. Bye.
You made your point and now you're out? This house is comfortable, but like... But terrible.
There's something about it. It feels as if I should be comfortable, but my shirt is riding up.
My pants are riding. Your fins are bouncing now.
Yeah, what the hell is going on? It's our second couch too. We cannot get it right.
No, you're doing great. No one's riding the first couch either.
I know. You're doing perfect.
Okay, tell me, tell me. Okay, so I did grow up in suburban America, Duluth, Georgia, Southern.
And look, there's no Indian jokes in that show. You made it out all right.
But I'm watching it like you watch the Golden Globes and you know Nikki Glaser is going to do a joke about you and you're watching it like, when's it going to hit? When's it going to hit? And you know, it doesn't come, but I do feel a lot of empathy. Okay, let's take it out of race.
But the end of your special, which by the way, I thought your special was hilarious. I cried.
Oh, thank you. At the baby party.
I did. And I also have frozen my eggs.
Oh, wow. It was beautifully done.
Thank you so much. And then at the end, I was like, why? There's an entire piece at the very end about special needs.
And your fans will probably be mad that I even said special needs. And I'm not going to say.
You don't feel comfortable saying retarded. I don't feel comfortable.
That's fine. You don't have to say it.
I can say it because it's my embryos. Sure.
Sure. If I have retarded embryos, yeah, I can call them whatever I want.
They're mine. This is my argument about molesting jokes.
People yell at me. I'm like, no, no.
I went through it. There's one thing I can do.
I can make a fucking Boy Scout joke. But you don't have a kid that is special needs.
Yeah, that's true. So my point is, if you're taking your daughter to school, which you will, and it'll be beautiful and wonderful.
And there are going to be kids there that have special needs and their parents are going to be there. And they will probably have seen it because I'm sure it's going to do amazingly well.
Hopefully that'd be great if people watch it. It will.
And I just wonder, will you care? Yeah. Will it bother you? Well, it depends how they feel about it.
If they see it and they're like, hey, that really hurt me and made me feel really uncomfortable, then in that personal interaction, I'll feel bad that somebody was hurt by it. A person.
Right, but you won't be like, oh, fuck, maybe I shouldn't do that again. I don't feel bad about people telling me to feel bad on behalf of people that we don't even know if they feel bad.
I hear that. It's like Latinx.
You're apologizing to advocates a lot. I never apologize.
No, no, I'm just saying you feel like, who am I apologizing to? I'm not going to apologize to some white guy from Maine who's like, we have to call Mexicans Latinx. And then I asked my Mexican friends and I'm like, yo, what's up with this Latinx? They're like, is that a movie? Like they have no clue what that is.
They hate it because they know it's white people projecting. It's pandering.
And advocating for them and they didn't ask. It's white people going, look how good I am.
Yeah. And you're using minorities to feel good about yourself.
Don't use them. Why don't you have a conversation with them? Why don't you befriend them and see what they actually care about instead of sitting in some like Ivy League institution and going, how can we get more pats on the back? I 100% agree with you.
Yeah. Now we can get into like a political.
When I'm watching that and everyone's laughing, it is so clear. Yes.
People want to be able to laugh at things that are funny. They do not like being told they can't laugh at it or that it's not funny when that's their instinct.
They know it's funny. They're feeling it.
Yeah. And I get it.
And that's why we're here. And that's why we have Trump.
And I get it. We tried really hard to have democratic representation on the pod around the election.
Mark Cuban was the only guy who came on. Buttigieg said he was going to come on.
Then he's like, I have to do debate prep, which I give him. And then we tried to get Waltz.
And then he got into his little saying he did things he didn't do. What did he do? Yeah, I don't even.
He was like, I was at the Civil War. I was at the Battle of Gettysburg.
We were like, no, you weren't. And he was like, no, I was flying one of the planes during Pearl Harbor.
Like, he just kept on saying shit that he didn't do. And then, you just can't do that.
A lot of people, well, yeah. I mean, I think at this point, they're all...
Are you going to defend him saying that he was in Tiananmen Square? No. Are you going to sit on the pod right now? I'm telling you, this is where the Dems lose.
No, I'm not. They can't just be like, yo, that was dumb.
It was. But everyone else is lying too.
Remember when Elon gave his heart out? Yeah. It was dumb.
Exactly. And if the Republicans do the same shit that Democrats did for the last four years where they go, oh, you're exaggerating.
What the hell is wrong with you? We're right back in the same fucking place. You did some goofy shit.
Of course.

I said you did it that was goofy, and we move on.

Don't gaslight me.

You're saying that on behalf of Republicans,

but the Republicans I know, which are many from home,

they are defending everything Trump does, which is insanity.

But I'm not saying on behalf of Republicans.

I'm saying on behalf of me, Andrew Schultz.

This is my opinion.

But you're saying the Dems, and I'm just saying in general,

I think the Republicans are saying Republicans, and I'm saying Democrats. We tried to get a bunch of Dems on the pod, and I think that they were a little bit hesitant.
I think you saw the Kamala interviews were a little bit more scripted. Definitely.
And this is the burden of being the progressive party. You have to push for progress.
We don't get here without progress. Keep in mind, I'm from an arts family in New York City.
Yeah, exactly. Yes.
I grew up Democrat, super liberal. Went to UCSB.
I'm going to the ballet. I think what happened is the party of progress has to keep seeking more progress, as it should.
The burden of the party of progress is alienating the groups that you're trying to create more equity, opportunity, and equal treatment. You can't really sit down on a pod and shoot the shit like you would without the cameras rolling.
When in your mind you're going, fuck, if I don't acknowledge these pronouns, then this group is going to be upset. And if I could dissect a little bit more, the major criticism I would have, and I think the thing is really difficult, is I was a big Bernie guy, despite maybe not agreeing with him on economic policy.
I agreed that he wanted to help. I like people that want to help.
I might not agree with AOC on economic policy. That chick wants to help.
Yeah, big time. And that's why her district voted for her and Trump.
So these are the things that we got to key into and people need help. You don't celebrate Luigi Mangione shooting that guy if you don't need help.
So for me, when I'm seeing that, I go, the Dems are kind of shackled to identity politics because they're afraid of making it what it really should be, which is a class war, which Bernie did and got all the support. He's like, these billionaires, they're taking all your money.
You guys need to get paid more. We need to make sure that these jobs are secure.
We need to tax these motherfuckers so that money can trickle down to the rest of you. And all of us saw that and we're like, who the fuck is this guy? This guy's awesome.
I think there are people in the Democratic Party that were like, hey, those billionaires give us a lot of money. This is interesting parallel.
We got to get rid of this guy. So I think Bernie Sanders got a problem and they're called the Bernie bros and the Bernie bros are sexist and they're bigoted and they're racist.
To me, they played the exact same handbook with the Manosphere pods. Oh, these guys are sexist and they're bigot and they're racist.
And it's just like, no, you're too scared to call out the real thing that Americans need help with,

which is billion dollar corporations and these fucking trillionaire human beings that seemingly

do not care about the working class people. Once they get back into working class, how do we put

money in their pockets? How do we make eggs cheap and stop worrying about the identity politics?

I think Democrats see you later. If I can't afford eggs, I can't care about the bathrooms.
I need eggs. My daughter eats so many.
The amount of eggs this girl eats. She cannot stop eating eggs.
Eggs and blueberries is all they eat. If the Democrats said right now, we're going to make blueberries free and eggs free.
I don't even say the word Republican again in my life. If Democrats said eggs are going to be free and blueberries are going to be free, the Republicans aren't still going to push the identity politics side.
I mean, it's still going to be there. The Democratic Party is not going to say we actively don't care.
We've already had this debate. I want to know if you and I agree.
I think a lot of the left is viewing this under the lens that he won. And I think that's the wrong lens.
The correct lens is we lost. We did not offer something appealing enough to vote for.
Our side did not offer a platform that the majority of Americans wanted to vote for. Forget about him.
People try to give the pods credit for Trump's win. And I'd literally say we did nothing.
Maybe what we did is made people feel more comfortable saying what they were going to vote for out loud. But they were 100 percent.
Remember when Biden won? It wasn't because people were voting for Biden. It was a rejection of Trump and the temperature.
It was just exhausting. Everything was a fight every single day.
They're like, yeah, we just need to return to normalcy. Exactly.
They rejected him and then they rejected us. So now this election, in my opinion, yes, he's incredibly popular.
There are people that love him without a doubt. I'm not undermining that.
But I think that's like 30%. Sure.
It is a small. This was a rejection of the institution in power and the Democrats were in power.
And it was a rejection of what people thought were the most important things to that party. Now, there could have been way more important things, but if they're not communicated in a way where we can digest it.
That's what I want to hear. I'm really asking, what is a good way to send that message? What message do you want to send? I think there's a huge dissonance between what the official party is and what all the members of the party I talk to are.
Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. We are supported by Addy.
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Like being really excited about the person. Yes, totally.
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Well, apparently there's a lot of women out there who struggle with low libido, but there's not enough honest conversation about it. Yeah.
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That's betterhelp.com slash dax. I hate to get back into the water again, but it's like I have only liberal friends.
I'm surrounded by hundreds of them. Really? I've talked to, no, I have Republican friends.
But I live in Los Angeles and I'm in show business. But I am talking with liberals nonstop.
And when the topic of should trans women compete in the Olympics, none of them think that. But that is the official message of the party.
But is it? It kind of is. No, this is where I have to push back.
I actually don't think it is. But I think that is what gets brought up all the time when there is debate.
Right, so we see the right is so fueled by it. Why can't we stand up and go, we don't think that's a good idea either.
No one's allowed to do that. So this is a good discussion.
I agree with you where I don't think that's the official platform of the party, but to what we were saying earlier, the fear of ostracizing a group, they will not remove themselves from it. And I think that what the Republicans have done really well is painted them with the most extreme beliefs of the party.
And I think Democrats have done that well to Republicans too. I think this is a political process, unfortunately.
The only problem is it seems like Americans are more comfortable with the most extreme version of Republicans right now than they are with the most extreme version of Democrats. I know, which I think is so interesting because the person running was the most extreme version of the Republican Party.
Trump is. And Biden, they're not extremely far left.
No, they're quite centrist, but they just won't go out there and be like, there's not 67 genders. They won't go out there and say that trans women shouldn't compete.
And also that trans discussion is even more nuanced. Like there's a thing that people don't say, which is, should they compete against women, women or whatever you want to call women? Yeah.
Cis women. Cis women.
Yeah. No.
But we can also say it sucks for them. That is so unfortunate that you're in that situation.
Let's make a category. I actually am supportive of their right to compete.
And I acknowledge that they're a woman. I want that right for them, but not at the expense of 20 other people.
I agree. And I feel like a lot of times in the discourse, there's not even room on Twitter for the little bit of empathy in the middle.
So it seems so rigid and harsh and we're getting things in 180 characters or whatever the character limit is. There's room to be like, man, it sucks as that person.
Cause I do believe that there are trends with things. So I think that there are some young kids that are probably identifying as trans that might not actually be not only trans.
I think that happens with a lot of it. Oh yeah.
You're trying on some stuff. And then there are people who are trans.
Exactly. And if my guess is that competing in the Olympics is not even the top 100 of the things that those people care about.
I agree. They do not.
We're talking about three or four athletes on the planet that are going to want to do this. And now they're the talking point of every show.
And they're just out here going, I'm just trying to be a barista at this thing. And everybody who comes up wants to ask me if I should be a swimmer.
And you're like, I don't do a fuck about swimming. That's the problem is I think the Republicans have used that as a Trojan horse.
Effectively. My issue is we're not fighting back.
No, you're not. When we gave it to them on a silver platter,

and no one on the left will stand up and pray.

You're playing prevent defense,

and what you need is,

Americans inherently identify as brave,

and we like to take risk.

Anything that looks risky is exciting for us.

I actually think there's some biological component to that.

Every one of our family members that came here,

we're the crazies.

Yes, yes.

We're the people that left our entire family.

Our entire bipolar is 10X of Japan.

I love that.

I want to be happy, happy,

and then I'll deal with the sad set.

So knowing that,

I think we want to see some bravery

in the Democratic Party.

I want to see some congressman that goes,

hey, housing is a problem.

I don't give a fuck about these developers.

We're taking that land right there.

We're building 10,000 affordable housing units. That's happening this year.
These developers are going to try to say, oh, we've had that. And we actually have a plan for this in the future.
And we're like, no, sorry. It is what it is.
In the same way that Trump goes, we're taking Greenland, but make it about helping and class, make it about money. Stop making about these other issues.
The majority of Americans don't really care about right now. Yeah, and a lot of them don't have the luxury of caring.
It is a privilege to care about other people's shit. 100% agree.
And to have a party that actively shames those people for not caring is not the way forward. But it is also the party that's trying to help those people.
Maybe that just needs to be more explicit that we are the party that is going to lower the price of eggs or slash the reason that they're expensive is because of bird. I mean, the price of eggs currently is $20 and you can't even find them.
It obviously has nothing to do with politics that the eggs are expensive. Maybe they just need to fucking say that.
Subsidize them. We do it with everything else.
We do it with corn. We do it with cheese.
Subsidize all these big companies. Yeah.
Walmart. I'm paying half their fucking staff.
So somebody pay for my eggs. I'm just saying present the idea.
Give me some hope. We like abundance.
Democrats, you got to sell me on abundance. That's what Americans want.
I want an abundance of eggs. Every American family should get 48 eggs a week.
But then what about with the stimulus checks? That's abundance. And then everyone was mad about that? Nah, nobody was mad about that.
Who? You thought it was a bad idea? No, I didn't. Rich people are mad.
I didn't mind at all. Poor people are like, Trump is the man.
I want to be on record. Biden did stimulus checks.
I was the Trump stimmy. Oh, God.
Was it not the Trump stimmy? No, he kept those checks going and going. Trump put his name on the check.
So when the check first hit the lower income neighborhoods, they were like, oh, Trump gave me $1,200? Yes, COVID started as he took office. So he had stimulus.
Both parties did it. Biden kept it going for a long time and then people were like, why is he still doing this and he's using all the money? Rich people were worried about inflation because inflation affects rich people.
I'm not saying more, but it affects the amount of buying power they have. So when they have 20 million in the bank and they're seeing inflation go up 25%, they're like, wait, I got 15 million? I lost $5 million.
They're upset. Poor people, they just see another $1,200 hit and they go, I'm rich.
When the Republicans said with the Doge thing, which I think is being handled poorly, but they're like, with the savings from Doge, we think that we'll give $5,000 back to every American. They're not going to do that.
But the second that hit the headline, people were like, Doge is incredible. That's sad to me.
They're not going to get it. We're in the weeds on every single policy now.
I'm probably communicating this poorly. I'm acting as if I'm trying to justify policy.
I'm not talking about policy. I'm talking about emotional reaction to stimulus.
It's really important to understand how Americans emotionally react to the things that you're telling us. I think Democrats right now, it's like, we know better.
We'll take care of you. No, the elitism is an issue on the left.
Get them out. I need working class AOC.
I need that. There was this guy fucking trolling me.
He's some Kennedy Nepo baby. Jack Schlossberg.
He's like JFK's grandson or something. And he's like talking all his shit.
He got upset at me because I said, I didn't know a guy who identifies as a Democrat is over five, nine, which was very hurtful because I think their insecurities, the perception is a lack of masculinity. And I think that kind of hurt.
I'm just busting balls with Charlemagne on the pod. Charlemagne's five'7", and he's a Democrat.
Like, I'm teasing my friend. Yeah.
Is he 5'7"? On a good day. With lips.
Yeah, yeah. But the point is, the face of the party should not be like a fourth generation, trust fund nepo baby who's never had a real job telling working class Americans.
Yeah, no friends that weren't white and also rich. This can't be the Democrat Party.
That is the face of the Republican Party and it worked. It's a great point.
Here's the difference. And this is what people do not like to acknowledge.
Trump doesn't sound rich when he talks. He sounds poor.
Yeah, I guess you're really right. He talks like he's from the neighborhood.
They asked him today, and what happens if Russia does not do the ceasefire? She goes, what if, what if that happens? He goes, what if, what if someone drops a bomb and it blows up on your head? Nope. That's how Frank from the neighborhood would answer a question.
So he communicates in a way that is super relatable to those people, despite his life not being at all relatable. I often play out the scenario when I go on other podcasts and I know they're very right leaning and I think they all think I'm super duper liberal.
I never thought that was your perspective. Well, it's not.
It's not. I'm a centrist.
I'm a pragmatist. Both sides have good ideas.
Both sides have terrible ideas. For the listener, I got a big covert wink.
i have imaginary debates on these podcasts that never happen there are many policies on the right i agree with i don't have a boner for a guy who fucking grew up and got handed a billion dollars yeah if i told you you're gonna love my friend mike dude his fucking dad gave him a billion dollars and he doesn't pay the contractors that do his shit if I describe that guy to you you'd be like this guy's a fucking asshole yeah so I don't have a boner for that guy I don't understand the boner for the guy I think the assumption is the boner for him is that he's this real estate guru no I don't think that's the boner the boner is I'm so fucking sick of being told how I have to act and behave all the time. And this guy is telling me, no, I can say what I fucking want to say and I'm not going to disappear and get erased over it.
Make me feel seen. Everybody wants to feel seen.
They want to feel heard. Yeah.
So I get it. I also acknowledge talk about the elitism.
It's like we made a very specific choice at a very specific time under Clinton where we said we're going to have a brain economy. That was a good theory.
Let's not rely on manufacturing. Let's get everyone smart.
Let's be in finance. Let's be in technology.
We pivoted. We made a lot of policy decisions, NAFTA being one of them.
Clinton was the first doge. They fired 300,000 government workers.
But the result of which was, guess what? 20% of the population didn't go into the brain economy. All these young men, they didn't get a place in this new economy.
And we need to fucking acknowledge that. And that is part of this.
They wouldn't even articulate what the elitism is, but it's that. That's great.
You guys are all went to college and you're all making all this money and finance and tech and all this shit. There's no fucking jobs for me.
There's no assembly line for me anymore. This party who made this decision completely abandoned 20 percent of the country, which is these young men.
And that's a dangerous fucking group to have disenfranchised. Yeah, I agree.
So that's a big, big problem. How do we look out for them? Well, that's what I'm saying.
The left has to be about the left unions manufacturing the stuff that's always been part of the left. But I do think Hillary was like, we got to retrain.
This is an issue. There's so many people that don't have jobs, but those jobs aren't coming back.
There is nobody less risk averse than Hillary. She might have been an incredible, I don't know, because she didn't become president, but I'm telling you just the emotional perception of her, it doesn't feel like there would be the change that people need.
She felt like status quo. Exactly.
that that's what people are rejecting i love her i do you love her i think she is the most competent person that probably could ever had that job she was an incredible secretary she's been in every angle of this system and she's incredibly smart and she has handled one of the most hard to handle human beings imaginable bill yes as a husband i think you're infantilizing bill a bit say more she's handled him you mean the fucking president the guy who was able to do it one of the greatest communicators in history the guy who was uber charismatic unbelievable very powerful and she could work with that system yeah and still exist and be equal and that's a skill set that is a skill set it to do. I don't know.
Again, I don't know. I think a lot of women would have gotten run over by a guy like Bill and that did not happen to her.
She's an incredibly strong, determined, smart. I'm not saying that she's not intelligent or determined.
Obviously she's very ambitious, a hundred percent. You're just saying she turned people off.
Yeah. And I think it's important if we don't acknowledge that.
No,

she did. Obviously.
Even like me coming in here, there are things that I probably said that had

turned you off or other people off. I can't be like, cause you guys are wrong.
I'm doing something

that makes you feel that way. I mean, it's easy for me to chalk it up to, Oh, a headline is

positioned in this way. But at the same time, I either have to accept that I will have what I say

kind of manipulated to fit a narrative and people will think a certain way about me. And that's what I take and I get in bed with so that I can do comedy the way that I want to do it.
Not to make it about me. No, no, no.
You're our guest. I'm just giving an example of I have to live with that.
For me, I think the best version of America is when we have two really awesome, competent people running. It's a really difficult choice that I'm really excited for.
But in order for us to do it, both sides have to listen to what the American people actually want. And we need a process that lets those people flourish.
Okay. Can we? Sorry, I have one more question.
Go, go, go, go, go. Last political thing.
It's not political. Are we in a rush? I don't know how long you guys go.
No, no, no. There's other things I want to get to other than your political leanings.
Okay, cool.. Okay, cool.
It is fun, right? Because we're passionate about it. I think it's important for you to hear a perspective like mine because it forms your opinions more.
You're like, oh, wow, they don't see it like that. I love having conversations with people that I might disagree on something.
Yeah. Because my opinions get sharper.
I'm like, oh, I'm hitting this too bluntly and I'm ostracizing all these people. I would do that with the trans athlete thing.
I didn't have space for how much it must suck to be a trans person and not having anywhere to go. And just acknowledging that makes my opinion way more digestible.
I use my wife. I don't even know that I use her that way, but I hit her with things.
And she goes, you have a really great point, but you need to soften it in this way. What you're saying is scary.
You have to acknowledge you care about these people first. Yes.
I mean, it circles back to exactly what you were just saying about how the Democrats need to position themselves. It's packaging.
And you have to say you care about this and this. All the same thing.
It's how to communicate effectively. But also, do you worry because you seem like you want peace, essentially? This is like Chappelle's thing where he heard the laugh when they were doing the sketch and he was like oh they don't get it that laugh is filled with hatred i gotta pivot and i wonder when you look at the crowd and they're laughing at a joke that is nuanced you're smart and you've thought it through i don't know if i'm smart but yeah clearly's nuanced.
You're also handsome. Dude, you better stop it.
Do you ever worry I'm contributing to this silo because a lot of people do not understand nuance. I don't worry about it a single bit because I think that people have the responsibility for their own actions.
So there are going to be people that laugh at a joke because they appreciate the nuance in it. There are going to be people that laugh at the joke.
Because they're fucking racist. Yeah, they might be racist.

Yeah, there are.

You can't be a different person because of that.

I defend Stern that way for years.

It's like a lot of people aren't in on his thing.

But Stern changed.

But that's on them.

He can't be a different person to cater to the dumbest person and worry about.

He has to be who he is.

Because now you're not creating for you.

He's nuanced.

I want to create for me.

He did evolve, I think, because of that.

But you're also allowed to evolve. That's the beautiful thing, too, is I try to take time off in between every special or tour, specifically so I can reflect on the change in my life.
I don't have this special. I mean, if anybody's listening still right now, they probably think the special is making fun of Latinos.
and it's my sperm not working and it being really difficult for my wife and I to get pregnant

and this story of this journey that led us to IVF.

My point is you need to be able to reflect on what's going on in your life, at least for me creatively. But what I try to do is when I'm in creative mode, I don't listen to any criticism.
I don't listen to any other comedians. I want to create authentically as I can because that's the most pure version of who I am right now.
And then how the world interprets that is really up to what they care about. It's almost none of your business.
It kind of is. Selfishly, I want things to be successful.
Of course, I'm ambitious and competitive. At the same time, if there's a cultural necessity for the thing that I'm talking about, it will be really successful.
If there isn't, it will be less successful, but it's the thing that matters to me right now. And if I start worrying about what all these different people are thinking, I won't do it authentically pure.
And I know my heart is good. I know I don't have hatred for people.
And if I did, it wouldn't be funny. It would be angry.
And I've written jokes that were angry and they don't work. It makes people feel uncomfortable.
Especially if you've been on the opposite end of any of these jokes ever, you can tell the difference between when there's hatred underneath it and when there's not. When I watched, I was texting my friend about this and I was like, there's no hatred there.
I can really, really feel that. There are other really popular standups that people love that I'm like, uh, uh.
I think that innately we can sense it. Because I've even sensed it.
You know, there's times there's comedians that do jokes about white people that are so funny. My introduction to comedy is Eddie Murphy, Def Comedy Jam, Kings of Comedy.
So many white jokes. They're funny.
We got to be able to laugh at ourselves. We're so fucking dorky.
Dude, the Phil Jackson walk that he's doing. He's doing this.
Scotty. Phil Jackson, the coach of the Chicago U.
That's pure sexism right there. No, it's fine.
That was pure sexism. You should know that.
We love the last dance. You don't know many other coaches.
That's fair. Okay.
To me, I just never felt any like malice or hatred. And then I have seen certain people that they make white jokes, for example.
And I'm like, oh, wow. You really just don't like white people.
And what is interesting about it is it's not as funny. When they lock onto a truth that we all feel, but when you have hatred, I don't have that hatred.
So I can't really connect to that. And maybe there's some love in it.
Ideally, I'm pointing out really specific things. I've observed you.
I've seen you. I've paid attention.
I'm interested in you. And I know this about you.
Yeah, like I love you. To me, there's something very complimentary.

This is my gift.

I'm going to this show.

You don't expect me to talk about you and the things in your local community.

You're Armenian run when you were here in LA.

I was like, you would think you lived in LA.

You would have to live in LA to know all of those tiny things.

And the Armenians in the audience fucking loved it.

Some online were upset.

And it was interesting to see some online were defending it. They were like like he was just doing this to all of us everybody got it it's all good and that's okay the people upset can be upset about it that's a good segue for me so i understand fully how you're at peace in fact to go behind the curtain when i did your show i just like you a ton respect feeling is mutual and i've gotten some flack for liking you all right yep sure you right? Yep, sure.
You have some war with Kimmel, which is unfortunate. No, I love Kimmel.
We love Kimmel. We have a statue of him.
We have a statue of him. But you guys had some battle.
Let's not get bogged down in that one. Jimmy, I love you because Jimmy's close to Charlamagne too.
And he's close to Matt. He was doing this back and forth with Aaron Rodgers.
And I felt like he started with jokes. And then Aaron had a joke.
And then I think Jimmy got some real life circumstances that affected him I think he got some death threats and that kind of shit yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah well there's signs up around LA these wackos there's a lot of crazy people out there then he made it not about jokes I was like yo you opened the door with jokes he responded with jokes and then you were like what you're doing is dangerous and Jimmy's always someone who i've looked at and admired he has iconic tv shows comedy history edgy shit that to me i felt a little let down you clown this guy on national tv on one of the biggest shows he clipped you back to me i'm like that doesn't seem fair it's like a drake kendrick thing which also hold on this is what i'm leaning to so thing. I'm like, ah, it's a bummer.
I'm still going to be out loud liking you. Hopefully he doesn't think it's a betrayal.
Don't feel that way, Jimmy, about anybody. I hope you know this.
Jimmy is our favorite person. Everybody I've ever met says that he's the best.
Obviously we haven't connected with one another, but please don't be upset. Maybe this will be the elephant.
Okay. So this is behind the scenes.
So I do your show.

It's great.

We hang out afterwards.

It was so fun.

You guys were so, so nice to me.

You're a great storyteller. The pre-battle of me getting called a snowflake.

None of that happened.

So then we walk off of your show and we're just hanging for a minute.

And then I go, man, you really lost Kristen.

I had Kristen on board.

She was on the Andrew Scholl's fucking train.

And then this joke about abortion. You lost her.
Yeah, it wasn't a good joke. It really wasn't a good joke.
I was like, you can't lose Kristen. It was like a mathematical equation.
It just didn't feel good when they heard it. It didn't have the silliness of a joke.
And it smelled like slut shaming a little bit. Oh, interesting.
I could see that. I didn't mean it.
I don't think you did. That's something I'm learning.
It's not worth explaining what you meant. Because what you said hurt people.
I'm learning that with my wife. I can acknowledge that what I said hurt your feelings.
If you later want to understand where I'm coming from, I'll give you that. But you don't want me to explain away your feelings right now.
You just want me to acknowledge that something I said made you feel better. I did it to my daughter this morning.
I've been feeling terrible ever since. What happened? Well, I woke her up.
If she ends up being late and rushed, it's a full meltdown. We can't get her to school at that point.
It's just so much. So I got to get her up on time.
Go to get her up on time. She's turning into a teenager.
She turns 12 this month. And so I'm like, let's go, baby.
And she's like, no, she slammed the door. And I opened it back up.
I go, you got to get up. She slammed it again.
I opened up. I'm leaving this door open.
The light's going to get, you know. And then she later sent me an email from school saying, I'm so sorry.
I was so mean. And I'm like, oh my God, don't worry.
I love you, baby. I'm sorry.
I was so abrupt and blah, blah, blah. I hope you know, I'm just trying to prevent you from having a really rough morning.
Sent it. And all day I'm like, just say sorry.
Yeah. You don't need to explain.
I didn't need to say. I'm trying to prevent that.
But we want to be heroes. We want to be a good guy.
I just don't want to ever think I have a bad intention. Dude, this is your life.
Yeah, it's like I do something that might prick you. My intention is not to prick you.
I'm concerned that you're going to think I'm the type of person that wants to hurt you. Yes.
Or prick you. Like with your daughter.
And you're just like, I just need you to know that I just love you. And I want to protect you.
I don't want to care for you. And now we're explaining.
Instead of just acknowledging feelings because you know what? They know we love them. Thank you.
That's the lesson for me. We got to have more confidence.
And we have this insecurity. Like every moment could change the way someone feels about us.
Yes. You mean in personal relationships? Yeah.
Yeah. And when I mean hurt, I don't mean saying something really mean.
I mean, it could be looking at my phone when my wife's saying something really important. You're checking scores.
Exactly. I'm like checking out.
And instead of being, well, what I was actually doing is work so I could provide for our family or some stupid shit. She don't want to know about that.
Pay attention when she's talking or say, hey, I got to finish this thing, but I really want to hear. Okay.
So anyways, I've understood all your scrapes and I've understood where you're coming from and I understand you've accepted, yes, some people are going to be upset and I get all that. Should we say the thing that rubbed Chris in the wrong way? Yeah, now I want to.
It's not that bad. That's the reason why.
I think it's going to go backwards. No, no.
Okay, go ahead. Well, people are going to look for it anyway.
It'll be funny, but it's not funny, but it's funny. The idea was like, how many abortions is too many in the world? No, like for a person.
Oh, oh, oh, oh. Like how many on the punch card? If it goes to like 20, I think that there has to be an intervention where it's like, all right, we got to do something here.
Now, the idea is like the beginning of a joke.

Making it silly is a joke.

I don't think you anticipated what Kristen heard.

What was that?

Where's the guy in this scenario?

So you're pissed about the girl.

Do we start?

Who's at 20?

Well, guess what?

20 motherfuckers knocked her up

and they're not paying any price for it

and they're not getting shamed

and we don't have to punch their card

or do anything for them.

Dudes are getting off scot-free.

I would argue in that scenario,

it's not equivalent because it's 20 different dudes.

So, price for it and they're not getting shamed and we don't have to punch their card or do anything for them dudes are getting off scot-free i would argue in that scenario it's not equivalent because it's 20 different dudes but if it was the same presumably see that's where i think you could have landed this whole thing yes yes if one guy gets 20 girls pregnant neuter that motherfucker like we got to do something right but this is the artistry of a joke and i gave you like the lump of clay and it's like there might be something in remove all the pieces to make it david it still is a piece of marble exactly exactly yeah there's the perfect example of when there's a negative reaction it's not like these people are fucking idiots i even commented in it oh it turns out that they're not getting these late term abort like i even have this caveat that i put in it later after i found the information but it it doesn't matter. People don't look at that.
But that's the example of I don't ever go snowflake. The joke wasn't nuanced and sliced thin enough that even the most pro-choice person in the entire world who's like, yes, 20 abortions, a girl should have 40 abortions would still laugh at.
Comedy is math and it's just figuring out the equation. But it's funny because you're like, you can't offend Kristen.
That's the one thing. I mean, everyone has that.
Everyone has their one thing that's like, well, now you lost me. She's actually a pretty good barometer for me.
Why I say her in particular, I find her to be someone who is incredibly progressive in left and has not let it affect her sense of humor. She's my favorite person on earth, but I have to say it.
She's the most beautiful white privileged person. She's all those things too.
So she has the luxury to be able to laugh at fucking anything without being like, oh, yeah, I remember when that was me. Isn't it great? Not for me.
A white woman. I hate it.
A white woman's Instagram. She's also really great at laughing at when she's getting burned.
Like she gets burned a lot and she does very well with it. That's confidence.
She doesn't like it when she personally gets burned. And that's the difference.
And it's fair. No one likes getting personally burned.
But when you are in a group that's small, they feel more personal than the overall. I just got to say it.
She loves getting blasted by Bateman. She loves getting blasted by Ryan.
She'd not like getting blasted by me. That's definitely true.
Fair enough. But all this to say, I have seen the decisions you've made and they've all pretty much made sense to me.
And I've not been scared for you. The first time I got scared for you, truly, I like, should I call him? Was Kendrick Lamar.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So just tell people what happened.

So he put out an album and he had a line in it.

He was like, don't ever let no white comedian talk about no black woman as law.

First of all, how do you know that's about you?

I got confirmation, put it that way.

I didn't respond for weeks.

Okay.

I had to shoot my special.

I didn't really care.

That wasn't even the thing that bothered me about the line.

The next line is, and to the N-words thatuhn and the M words that being groomed slide on both of them. Do you guys know what that term slide means? So slide is like assault or kill.
I'm thinking, and the world is thinking, he's talking about Charlamagne and Alex Media, the two black dudes that are on the show with me. Oh.
So once you tell people to kill my friends, you get whatever I give you. Everybody's like, oh, he's such a victim and all this.
He just said whatever. Yeah.
He said a stupid thing to me. You're not going to tell me who I can or can't make fun of, but you don't tell your fans to kill two of my friends or slide or assault or whatever it is.
Even if it's not serious, you're putting that energy out there. So don't be surprised if you get some energy back.
Some heat. That's my feeling.
Okay, so I watch your response. What's really funny is I have actually a friend reach out that go like, oh my God, have you seen this? So it comes to me in his version of telephone where he explains what you did.
I'm like, oh boy. What's his version? This is so funny how this works.
I think he just read the reviews of what you did. They made it racism so fast.
Yes, yes, yes. This term.
Buckbreaking. Yes, buckbreaking.
And I'm like, he said buckbreaking? So I now got to go find this thing. So I go to your Instagram and I find it and I go, okay, A does not say buckbreaking.
It's pretty silly. I said, I'll make sweet love to him.
Right. If they were in prison together, he would make sweet love.
The point I'm trying to make is like, why are you talking shit? Don't tell your fans to kill my friends. Like, I think that's a pretty fair response.
Sure, sure, sure. Hey, you say to your fans to kill my friends.
I say I'll make sweet love to you. I saw it as about as playful as a fuck you, I'll kick your ass.
This could be done. That's all it's trying to be, yeah.
But now I'm really worried about you because I'm like, well, he thinks that he's a rational person.

Kendrick is a national treasure.

Huge.

He's a Pulitzer Prize winning.

Incredibly talented.

He couldn't be more talented or loved.

And I'm going, bro, is this the fight you're going to pick?

We got to pick our battles.

Is this the one?

You were fine.

More of that.

Don't talk about my friends, bro.

My friends are more important to me than strangers.

So it is what it is. Do you worry at all? There's definitely concern because he's got some affiliation to some, like, real dudes.
Of course. Minimally, some real dudes love him.
Yeah. Even if he's not affiliated, they could think they were doing a favor to someone they love.
And that's how it works. He doesn't want you to get hurt.
Exactly. He doesn't say to the person, go do something.
The way it works is the young dudes on the street do something hoping that it'll curry favor with the OGs. And then I heard whispers from a lot of different people and that kind of stuff, which sucks.
You don't ever want that. Right.
Any of the people who actually listen to it, my black friends who were getting death threats after the song came out, before I ever said anything, they were like, oh yeah, this is fun. We're going to have some fun.
Okay. So that was one hot one.
Now I want to bring up a love connection. Ooh, go.
I've been trying to get Monica to love you for a while now. A couple years, would you say? That's not even true.
We're going to win. Don't you feel like I'm always kind of like trying to pitch, Andrew? The first time I heard of you, Dax sent me a thing, and I was like, oh my god, this is so great.
And then I was like, oh, I'm going to keep looking. And you were like, well, be careful.
Be careful. I might need to curate.
I might need to curate for you. If you just look at my standup, usually you're good.
The second you start looking at podcasts. So I did that this morning.
I was like, oh, my God. Because the podcasts are clay.
And the standup is the statue. And that's something that we got to grapple with just as comedians.
We're talking for two hours. We're going to say some fucked up shit.
But let's get to the love affair. So one of my favorite things, I saw your rant on Taylor Swift, and I couldn't send it to Monica fast enough.
I love her. As I was watching it, I think I interrupted it to send it to her.
Oh, she's the Michael Jackson of our time? No features. No features! I think you were arguing whether Beyonce...
People were upset about that. I'm sure.
Yeah, you're right. Followers were probably.
No, Beyonce fans. But I went to the show.
I love Beyonce. I love her.
She's incredible. She's from another universe.
Yeah, they both are. But like I went to this Taylor show with my wife at SoFi and I went in there going, what am I doing? It's a cool cultural moment.
Obviously, I got to check it. And I left there going, this is the highest version of live performance.
The best visual guy is working. The best light guy is working.
The best choreographer. It felt like I was watching the best of the best in each of their fields.
And she's holding the attention of a hundred thousand people. In impossibly long time.
I'm a celebrator.

When I experience some shit,

I can't not talk about it

if it's fire.

If I go to some hotel

that's amazing,

I'm telling everybody.

I don't believe in gatekeeping.

I didn't get to go

to these fancy ass hotels

as a kid.

So if I'm going to like

Amangiri,

I'm not sharing that with you

once I'm like,

look at my experience.

I'm going, yo.

Figure out how to get here.

Get some money and go here.

This is incredible.

These rich people are on to something and we need to infiltrate. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.
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So when I saw that Taylor thing, and then it's always fun to just rile up on Brilliant Idiots. There's that part of me.
It's like a little antagonistic. I know Taylor who's on the show.
She's not the biggest Taylor Swift fan. The girl Taylor is on Brilliant Idiots.
So I knew just saying how amazing. It would rile her up.
Yeah. Oh, it was so funny.
And we were dying laughing at that. So shout out, Taylor.
Okay. Life okay life your new stand-up special yes it's your second one on netflix i did a rant show on netflix it was back during the pandemic show says america but that was a little different than stand-up it was more like monologue version of it okay so right out of the gates i hadn't noticed this prior to this but you know i've been in bed withutcher for 22 years.
He gave me my start. You and Ashton have an extremely similar vibe.
Do people ever tell you you look like him? Okay. Here's the Kutcher story.
I have two Kutcher stories. Oh, great.
So when I was younger, I used to get that a lot. I was studying abroad in Spain during college.
I was in Barcelona and Dove, who's sitting right there, it's my first friend in college, is also currently my manager and partner now. Everybody's just part of the team.
Literally, the guy who does all our advertisements, my first friend in high school. The whole team is just the boys.
You could probably be three times bigger as a business. Way bigger.
But like so much less fun. He's studying abroad in Paris.
We go to visit him in Paris. And then the nightclubs in Paris, I guess he explains to me, there's like an old woman at the front door and she decides who gets in.
Maybe it's not like that anymore, but at the time that was pretty much the case. And Doug can talk to anybody.
Yesterday, the guy who directed Dune, Denis Villeneuve, but the way that he talks to people, they think they know him. So the guy's walking by the table and then Doug goes, ah, bonjour, bonjour, whatever.
And then he stops, walks over and he's like, oh, bonjour, how are you? They've never met. Dove is almost like doing the Rickles thing where he's like, I'm having dinner.
Were you guys at Sunset Tower? Yes. Were you there last night? I wasn't, but one of my best friends was and she was like, I think I saw him there last night.
Yes, 100%. Sightings.
So we got some directors. We like directors.
Okay. Anyway, we go up to this club and he goes, hey, Andrew, I just need you to just go over here.
Trust me. Everything's going to be fine.
He goes, talks to the owner. They look at us and we go in.
We're walking around and the owner is like staying with me and like really talking to me a lot. What's going on? What's your next project? And I go, I don't know.
Just hanging out in Barcelona for a little bit. This motherfucker told the owner that I was Ashton Kutcher.

And we got like 10 people into this hot Parisian nightclub. And then this asshole leaves me with the owner without telling me.

So the owner thinks Ashton is studying abroad in Barcelona for the semester.

So yeah, there was maybe some similarity.

You guys might be identical heights too.

Maybe.

Very handsome.

Okay.

The show is wonderful.

And as we already laid out a tiny bit, this special is solely about getting pregnant, having a baby. How do you approach that? So I've never told stories and I've never been personal.
I didn't think my life was very interesting. And then it was really difficult for us to get pregnant.
It was the only thing I could think about. Like I couldn't think about any political, none of it really mattered.
Started talking about it on stage. The initial part was we weren't getting pregnant and I felt kind of misled.
Maybe it's hard to get pregnant. Like my whole life I've been trying to not get women pregnant.
What the hell's going on? As it progressed, my wife got more and more concerned about it being her fault. I have a joke in there.
I don't want to like repeat the joke, but it's like, I also thought it was her fault because I didn't even know it could be our fault. And I'm with you.
Chris and I, when we decided to have a baby, she said, do you want to get your sperm count checked? And I go, why would I do that? I'm not assuming I have a problem. Yeah, go look at the shower.
And she goes, how many times did you fuck without a rubber and you've never gotten anyone pregnant? And I was like, oh shit. We don't even think about that.
No. We think we're playing like Russian roulette and we're just the luckiest human being on the planet.
So we went and got checked and then it turned out that her ovaries were perfect and that my sperm sucks. You were told specifically it's a C plus.
Yeah, a C plus. They were trying to be warm.
You know it was a D. They upgraded.
The plus. It was the plus that now I look back is so condescending.
They're like, this will make them feel better. And it did.
Yes, of course. It's almost a B minus.
Almost a B. Yeah, it's pretty much a B.
If you round up. If you round up, I'm a solid B.
Also, I have the same shitty sperm. I tried in UCLA.
I read that I could make money donating sperm. I was a student there.
And I went in and I did the jerk off thing. And then they called and they're like, your sperm count's not high enough.
No fucking way. Yes.
And I was like, oh, Jesus. From taking tea or anything like that? No, this is when I was like 21 years old.
They want you to have a big sperm count at the bank. Yeah, they're so prejudiced.
I was probably a C. Yeah, we don't talk about that enough, huh? No, I know.
Yeah, poor you. They don't want to leave sperm out there.
They only value you if you have an excessive amount of sperm. So once I found out it was me, this emotionally takes a big turn.
And I also feel a lot more comfortable talking about it on stage. Oh yeah, that makes sense.
I think one of the big issues for couples that are struggling to get pregnant is the isolation in it.

Because you don't know who the issue is.

And it's so painful for the woman, especially because most of them think it's them.

No guy ever thinks it's them.

Even when he told me it was me, I was like, I'll just put your legs up or something.

I was like, what do we need here?

It's gravity.

And then I would start talking about on stage.

There would be these guys that would come up to me after shows and they'd be like, hey man, I really liked that.

So that was pretty funny.

And I was like, cool, thanks, man.

I think it was just... What do we need here? It's gravity.
And then I would start talking about on stage. There would be these guys that would come up to me after shows and they'd be like, hey, man, I really liked that.
So that was pretty funny. And I was like, cool.
Thanks, man. He goes, yeah, no, you should keep talking about that.
It's good stuff. And that was like their way of going, hey, I feel less alone now.
I needed that. I didn't know that people were struggling to get pregnant.
I didn't know how many women were freezing their eggs. I didn't know that this existed because it's so taboo and to a lot of people so embarrassing that they isolate, they don't share at all.
And they feel deficient. Their friends are all having the babies.
They don't know that their friends are also doing IVF. Yeah.
Right, right, right. What I learned through this and maybe one of the most rewarding parts of it is when I was doing the tour, I'd start getting all these DMs.
And to this day, I screenshot all of them because I didn't market the show as this. They think they're getting crazy standup that I've been doing normally.
They're going to get the Latina accent. Exactly.
They come for the Latina. They stay for the fucking IVF.
Basically what happens is they go, oh my God, I was actually going through this. It was really nice to see us laugh about it because it's been this really dark thing.
And then I get a message months later with a picture of their baby. And then certain people who are going through stuff and they had trouble and maybe they saw it.
And now they were like, yo, we want to try IVF because of the show. I did not expect it.
I did not write it for that reason. It's the only thing on my mind.
But the idea that it could destigmatize this thing and removing that stigma could give people the greatest thing they'll ever experience in their life, which is having a kid by far. There's nothing even comes close.
It was really cool. Yeah, it's beautiful.
It's really special to get to receive that, I think. Yeah.
So you did an amazing promo with my boyfriend, the love of my life, Matt Damon. The legend.
Taylor plus Matt. I mean, I did think, I was like, Matt likes Andrew.
I'm qualified. I guess.
Anyway, you did lean in for that promo and I was like, oh, wow, this is really great. And I do think a lot of people who might not follow you or know your stuff or think something about you will be drawn to it because of that.
But then I was like, man, I wish you would do more of that because I think his audience is limitless. Yeah.
But we do think of you in a very certain package. Yeah, exactly.
I think that can be misleading for all humans, which is you have such a sharp skill set that really anything you bring that talent to bear on is going to yield results. And it could mislead everyone.
We had Robert Sapolsky on. Evolutionary biologist.
Yeah, he's the smartest person alive, probably. And he's a determinist.
And I'm like, great, you've made a great argument, but can you acknowledge you could have turned that same brain on free will and made just as convincing of an argument. It's just like, where do you want to focus this hyper talent? Let me ask you if this observation rings true.
In the last eight years, we've watched so many people become famous in the podcast space, whether it's Huberman or name the number of people. And I'm not using Huberman as an example in this, but I've watched many of these people get led by their audience instead of them leading their audience.
Their audience will take them in a fucking rabbit hole. I've seen like eight people taking themselves out where they started here and they literally went in the rabbit hole because they just were responding to the most vitriolic response.
Do you see that? I see that a lot. I think it's a really astute observation.
A lot of people don't realize how much the algorithm really dictates your content. And this is why, when I was saying earlier, like I try to block out everything when I'm in creator mode, even the algorithm.
We'll put out episodes. I know how to make every episode go crazy, but then you're a grifter.
It's important to me to put out episodes, talk about the things we want to talk about with the people we're interested in. And you would hope that your core fans will maybe share some appreciation of those people, but I understand that it's going to alienate some.
And I think what happens a lot of times for people in our position is once you get some success with success, there's always scrutiny. That's the cost of success.
Criticism is the cost. We have to pay it.
But when you feel immense scrutiny, it is very easy to retreat towards protection. And protection is usually one ideology.
If you're just the right guy, the right got your back as long as you say all those things. If you're just the left guy, the left got your back as long as you say all those things.
Vacillating between the two is going to piss both of them off. I feel like this is the road I've struck down, unfortunately.
No, but that's how you maintain your authenticity. And then the people that actually know you appreciate you as a person and not just a mouthpiece for one ideology, which I don't want to be.
I just want to be me. And I'll say this, too, about who I think is so fucking funny.
Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis.
Shane is great, man. He's unbelievable good.
That's the unfortunate thing of our current society is you're watching things trying to pin them to a camp the whole time. It's like, whoa, where are they? Are they liberal? Are they conservative? And what's fun about Shane is it's a hardcore conservative position.
It's a hardcore left position. It's bouncing back and forth.
And I personally love and cherish that. And you're bouncing back and forth in this special.
You definitely have some moments, I think. this isn't funny this is just another observation so we went through the same thing you're there you're in labor forever all of a sudden people rush in the heart rate is crash and now you're having this emergency thing oh did uh how scary is that shit it is did you have this moment this is so dark to say and i would never make this decision now but on the ride with her in a gurney and me walking next down the hallway and 15 doctors all in a panic I literally said just keep Kristen alive I don't give a fuck like I was so excited to have this baby but my god is my wife in danger right now yep 100% I was just like please keep her alive and now I'd be like take her I'm gonna and Delta.
You know, what's funny is that Kristen would probably give her life a hundred times over that place. She'd have me killed a thousand times to save him a broken arm.
And I want her to. That's how it should be.
Take him. But yeah, it's terrifying.
I think birth is one of these opportunities where you get to see someone put 100% effort. It's very rare in life.
You get to 100% effort. You get to see your partner do that.
And it's pretty awesome because we think we work hard. We're like, oh, I worked 12 days.
And then you get to see your partner really fucking light it up. And Emma lost a lot of blood.
And this is like really beautiful. The baby latched and they told her, they're like, hey, listen, I know you're exhausted and you had lost a lot of blood.
It would be really helpful for the baby if you can feed. I remember she stayed up, she fed the baby, the baby pulled off, they took the baby and she's like, is she okay? Is she full? And they're like, yeah, she's full.
She's fine. And she goes, okay.
And then she just fell asleep. Died.
But it was just like, she gave everything. Does that make you admire her? Fuck yeah.
And you go, oh, this new thing I care so much about hit the jackpot with this woman. Yeah.
Full of gratitude on the baby's behalf. And there's also a moment where you're like, if you ever fucking talk back to your mom, I hope you talk back to your mom.
I hope you do that shit in front of me. I hope you give her some attitude in front of me.
That's what I say to Monica all the time. My dream in life is someone shoves her.
It would be worth her getting shoved and bawling down just so I can react. That's funny.
That's what you're hoping when you're walking. That's funny.
Even you coming today, I'm like, I want to be bros with you for life, to be honest. If it goes down, it's going down and that's how it's got to be.
Sorry, it really didn't go down. I knew it wouldn't go down.
I didn't know it would go crazy. I did too.
It is good to enter thinking that. I try to have people with different opinions on my podcast, but maybe it's important for me to go on others as well because then their audience is like my audience knows that my thinking is diverse, but the other audience might not.
So coming on a place like here, maybe you get a well-rounded version. That's been my thing recently is like, I don't need to go on another liberal podcast.
What I need to do is go on Two Bears and go on Ideally Rogan and go. You can also be a masculine dude and cares a lot about people and wants to help them.
You can do all those things. You're not a pussy if you care.
I adore you. I love you guys.
Thank you so much for coming. I'm so glad this happened.
I really appreciate you guys doing this.

Oh my God. Yeah.
Alright, everybody watch Life.

It's fantastic. It's on now on Netflix.
You have it. Watch it.

Also listen to The Brilliant Idiots

and Flagrant. Go listen to Dax's

episode of Flagrant if you haven't already. It's awesome.

It was very fun. You guys are so sweet.

Thank you so much.

He is an armchair expert, but he makes

mistakes all the time. Thank God Monica's here.
She's gotta let him have the facts. I'm working late because I'm a singer.
It's a good song. I think that's the cutest lyric I've ever heard.
Yeah, it's a good one. I'm working late because I'm a singer.
She's very cheeky. Oh, my God.
I'm so late to the party, but now I'm an enormous Sabrina Carpenter. It started with Bedkem.
Oh. Do you know that song? Is it on the new out? Is it recently? I'll play you one teast of it before we get flagged for copyright infringement.
But let me see if I can give you a teast of it. Let's hear it.
I don't know this one, I don't think. I was driving with Delta to school today, and we listen to it every morning, and I said, you know the sign of a really, you know when a song's a fucking jam? A lot of times you're driving in cars, and the song's good, and it's a dancey track, and you're like maybe clicking your fingers, and maybe you're dancing a little bit, but if a song hits, you can't resist dancing with your shoulders i was telling her that's what you look for okay and so we were both in the car fucking we were really getting our shoulders active this morning it was a blast nice it's really fun now it's now that i love her favorite artist it's fun for her yeah of course because now i'm on the.
Because now I'm on the Sabrina train. Yeah.
And I'm like, what about this one? She's like, have you listened to Juno? And then I'm like, okay, I listened to Juno. It was a little slower.
I was worried it was going to be a little too slow for you. So we're really like.
Okay, I like that. It's very fun.
There's, you know, she gets sexy, Sabrina. Oh, she is.
There's some real sexual stuff. In fact.
Juno is sexual. Well, that's, I'm so glad you brought this up.
I would have forgot to say this. So we're laying in bed last night.
We're talking about Juno. And, you know, I'm like, I don't want to tell her it wasn't my favorite because it's her favorite.
And, but I am not going to lie to her. All right.
So here we are. So we're working through it.
She's like, yeah, I understand. It's a little more is this than that.
And she goes, but do you know what Juno is? And I go, no. And she's like, well, it's a movie.
And I go, oh, the movie Juno? Yes, I know. She goes, yeah.
She said, I want you to make me Juno because it's a story about a girl who gets pregnant. Yeah.
And I go, yeah. I go, oh, that's little nasty all right i see and she goes what's nasty about wanting to have a baby with somebody and i go well it's a teenager she's in high school and she goes oh she's in high school so she she knew part of the juno story she said no she was in high school she thought it was.
And the way she phrased it was like, wait, what's nasty about wanting to have a baby with someone you love? And I was like, oh, no, there's nothing nasty about that. I'm just saying I want to get pregnant in high school is kind of a nasty, fun lyric.
Yeah. Nasty.
And it is a positive nasty, I'm saying. Yeah, of course.
I brought a list today. Okay.
Okay. Do you want to tell me something you want to talk about before I get to the next thing I want to talk about? Yes.
So I had another ear situation. An ear infection? Not a full infection.
Schwimmer's ear? Not Schwimmer's ear, unfortunately. David Schwimmer's ear? I wish.
No, so I have three holes. Okay.
And I don't really use the top one very much at all, but I found these earrings and, and it didn't look right in the second hole. So I moved them up to the third hole and I had to like, really like shove it in.
Yeah. Re, re, re puncture it.
Yeah. But I cleaned it.
I did my best. And then it did start hurting pretty quickly, but I left it because it looked so cute.
It's a very similar story to last time. Yes.
And I left it and I left it. And then that night I took it out and it was like really hard to get out.
Like I think it had swollen sort of around it. So I yanked it out.
And then I cleaned it all up. It had like fuse to the metal.
Yeah. And then I cleaned it up, but it was really painful.
And I couldn't like lay on, I couldn't lay, had to back sleep. Isn't it weird that your upper ears are very prone to infection? They're sensitive.
Yeah. It's very weird.
The higher you get on my ear, I think they just can't handle it.

It's just very infection prone.

Don't say it was such a gross face.

Well, it is.

It's very.

It's not my fault.

It's like a cess.

I prefer to call it sensitive.

Okay, it's sensitive.

Anyways.

Particularly sensitive to infection.

Yeah.

Yeah, but it's many sensitivities.

And yeah, and it had like a big like, you could feel the big like node in there. Big lump of infection.
Don't make that face. Anyway, it's feeling a little bit back to normal.
Okay. I'm glad you got it out of there because that's an improvement.
The big question is, am I allowed to do it again? I think it's a wrap on your upper ears. Really? I mean, repeat the same thing.

Expect a different result.

It's like two for two.

Or it's like maybe it just needs a couple times before it can acclimate.

I mean, it's your body, your decision.

So, but I think we stay away from there.

Okay.

Bit me twice.

Shame on me.

You're at the shame on me part.

First time was shame on your ear. Sure.
And now shame on you. Yeah.
Well, we'll see. Yeah.
Now this one I flagged, I did flag it with you in mind. I thought this would interest you even if the topic doesn't because of where the money comes from.
Okay. I read this headline yesterday or the day before.
Unmarried air maze air that's hard to say i know this story leaving 11 billion dollars to former gardener i know he's gonna adopt the gardener so that he can pass it on this there'll have to be a movie about right? Of course, of course. It's not like he got left a million dollars.
You got left, you're in the top 200 richest people in the world kind of money. It's so sweet.
Although there is some little bit of it having to do with he doesn't want control of his portion to go to certain people. Yeah, I think it's also a

strategic move, but

an extremely generous strategic

move. And if I'm the gardener, I don't really

give a shit what your motivation is. Of course not.

You give me that $11 billion.

I know. Can you imagine

waking up, you went to bed,

you had like $3,000

in the bank, and the next morning

you have $11 billion. God.

I mean, of course, like a pessimistic

version

and I've got to go. Yeah.
You had like $3,000 in the bank. Yeah.
And the next morning you have $11 billion. God.

I mean, of course, like a pessimistic version of this is that they were in love.

I mean, that's a weird thing to say.

It's like cynical.

I guess.

It's like they're in love.

So that's why this is happening.

But like the better story.

Could be unrequited love. Maybe.
Ooh, God. Okay.
If someone was in love with me and I wasn't in love with them and I made that clear, but they could not stop pursuing. Yeah.
And then they died. And left you $11 billion.
And left me $11 billion. Would I? Love them posthumously no what i feel like i can't accept no because you had been honest yeah if you led them on and married them as they had gotten their cancer prognosis yeah you're pretty shady yeah okay.
But also, it's sad. It's like he just loved me so much.
That even if you didn't like him, he still wanted you to be happy. That's true love.
You should have loved him back. I know.
I regret this. You should.
I really regret not loving him back. Okay.
I want to know more about the Gardner. Yeah, me too.
And I want to know, because it's in Italy or something. Where are they? France, probably.
Okay, is that where Hermes is? Yeah. Okay, that makes more sense then.
Okay, probably not Croatia. I mean, we don't know where they are.
They're billionaires. They could be anywhere.
Sky's the limit. Their money knows more, but they could be living up in the sky in Elysium.
Yeah. He's older.
I think the gardener is 50. Oh, Jesus.
My age. Well, yeah, I guess he can totally still enjoy it.
Yes, exactly. So I have such a disconnect when reading someone's 50.
That does not sound like my age. Right.
It doesn't sound like your age to me either. I think I'm just coming to terms as the very second wow yeah that it's 50 it's really 50 it's not 40 but 50 is the new like it it's the new 45 like i think of you we can't do better than that no like i'm being realistic i think of you as 45.
Okay. Kind of perpetually.
Yeah. Okay.
I'll try to live up to that. I'm certainly trying my hardest.
Yeah. I think, I don't mean you look 45 or like, I mean.
I definitely look 50 is what you're. No, God, what a trap.
No, I'm just saying you'll live at that age for me forever.

Right.

It's going to be hard for me when I turn 45 because I'm going to be like.

What about when you turn 50 and you're five years older than me?

Yeah, it's going to get confusing.

It's going to get messy.

Yeah.

Okay.

We might have to update.

TBD, when I turn 60, you might bump me up to 50.

Okay.

What is your age in your head currently?

40.

40.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think I'm 40.

Yeah.

Pretty sure I'm 40.

You might want to go check and see if you're 40.

50?

Yeah.

That's a real number.

I know.

Oh, my God.

This is really just hitting me.

Wow.

Yeah, because when I read the gardener was 50 i was

like holy gave a guy that's almost dead a blow i wish you would have given it to him when he was 30 that's you can't no but now i realize he's just my age he's just a guy he's a little boy my age yeah oh wow yeah 50.

I feel like I'm 32.

Yeah. 50.
I feel like I'm 32.

Yeah, I can sign off on that.

I feel 32.

So we're both deducting five years.

I guess, yeah.

No, you're deducting 10.

45?

You said I was 45.

Yeah, but you said you were 40.

Oh, yeah, I think I'm 40.

Oh, no, 45 is older than I am.

I'll tell you this much.

Oh, wait, let me look up the Hermes Gardner. Yeah, I wonder if he's doing any press now that he's an 11 billionaire.
I hope he disperses some of the money to other people. I hope this is a cascade of people getting called and going like, hey, guess what? You have $100 million.
Because he could give 110 people a hundred million dollars but i think part of it is now that guy will own a percentage of hermes okay so really it's not cash it's it's value in the company oh that's a good okay it says nicholas you oh boy p-e-u-c-h p--E-U. A fifth generation heir to the Hermes fortune reportedly plans to adopt his former gardener and handyman, a 51-year-old man from a modest Moroccan family, and bequeath him a substantial portion of his estimated $12 billion, $13 billion fortune.
It says he's reclusive and childless. 80.
He's 80. He owns approximately 5.7% of Hermes shares.
Okay. What if this guy's first line of work is to introduce a line of Hermes clothing for gardeners specifically like patches in the knees? Oh, yeah.
That's actually cute. That would be cute.
He could take this. He might be worth 30 billion after he implements.
Puke has a strained relationship with his family. You can't call him that.
What's his first name? Puke has a strained relationship with his family and initially had plans to leave his fortune to the Isocrates Foundation, a charity he founded. However, he reportedly reversed those plans, possibly due to disagreements with his family, and is now in the process of arranging his estate to pass on his wealth to his former employee.
Former, not even his current gardener. I know.
It's his old gardener. Oh, wow.
Yeah. God, these bags are nice.
No one's gotten an interview with the gardener. What's the gardener's name? They haven't.
I'm not seeing. That's probably best.
Yeah. They'll kill.
Well, just like it's not a good idea when people. I've watched some docs on lottery winners.
There's a lot of fascinating stuff about lottery winners. One is they file bankruptcy or a really high rate, which is sad.
Yeah. But also the amount of people that come out of the woodwork.
Oh, yeah. Looking for money.
And I guess it kind of makes sense. Like if you're asking for somebody for the money they earned.
Yeah. I think it's a different threshold than like, hey, you found out your friend found $50 million in his backyard, which is basically what winning the lottery is.
Well, he didn't, you know. Yeah.
Maybe he'd be easy. Easy come, easy go with it because he just found it.
And so you feel like if someone passes it down, you feel more of a responsibility to that person maybe? Well, I just think if they said his name out loud, people, everyone that knows him like, but you get given $11 billion. Give me some.
Oh. Whereas if he built some business for 40 years, they wouldn't be like me some of your business it is really funny people really feel like like give me some is a real give me some it's like a real thought in a lot of people's heads yeah you have so much money and you should give me some for free i certainly never felt that way like there was a period where you know my mom and my brother were partners and they both made a very good living in Michigan when I was quite broke in California.
And I never felt like they should give me some money. Yeah.
But sometimes when we're with Bill Gates, I do think, why does he just give me a billion dollars to be funny? No, that's not. Isn't that funny? I don't think that's that funny.
It's fun for me. It's fun for you.
It's fun for me and funny for him. I don't think it's funny for anyone else.
So I do think that when I'm around someone who's got like hundreds of billions of dollars, I do think, well, you could give me a dollar. That's basically you've got $200 and you give me a dollar for fun.
I guess then it's true. Like, obviously, it's like yeah Bill maybe can you just give me a million actually like that's nothing for him can I just have a million just because it's funny because you're like oh my god you know the last time I saw Dax I gave him $16 million just like out of nowhere he wasn't even expecting it this is my best joke I guess yes it's a great joke bill but um i guess that's how everyone feels that's right so yeah if if anyone has a million dollars and they have twenty thousand dollars of course they're gonna be like give me fifty thousand of your dollars please that's right it's too much for you yeah i guess I get it all i get it so everyone can say give me some i guess it's all that's what you're deputizing everyone in your life oh on the topic of give me some uh-huh which my tattoo artist has started saying give me money to show your arm oh okay um i did sit for seven hours yeah and have everything i think we gotta put an end to that story because i didn't list the arm cherries close the gap you want to close the door no they call it um close the loop close the loop right so it happened i sat for seven hours and uh This great guy, Marky, that is a tattoo artist in Illinois that Robbie knows.
Yes, Rob. Robbie Wob.
Yep. I wonder if he likes Robbie.
I say Robbie a lot. It's just so cute.
Well, Robbie's confusing for me because I have my own Robbie. You have your own.
Well, and I do too a little bit. I have your Robbie.
Oh, exactly. So.
The man who's giving everyone epilepsy. Also, Wobby Wob is so.
He's everyone epilepsy. But there's no other...
There's other Robbies, but there's no other Wobby Wob. There is no other Wobby Wob.
But it was his dude. Wonderful guy.
And yeah, everything has been altered enough that now I can be in a commercial in a short sleeve shirt. That's exciting.
So I'm very happy. happy.
I got my limb back. Yeah.
That's exciting. And me and my best friend, Aaron Weekly, got matching J2C tattoos.
Yes. Yeah.
Do you want to show to the camera? Can you see it? I can't really see it, which is a bummer. What do you mean? Well, I would like to be able to see it.
Yeah. You can't see it because you put it on your neck.
Yeah, and I can't see the back of my neck.

Correct.

Because I just found out.

Oh.

I would have assumed I could see.

I didn't realize I can't see the back of my neck.

Yeah.

So it's kind of behind your ear.

Yeah, and I move my ear in the mirror, and that doesn't help me.

So I don't really know.

I'm not sure what it looks like.

It looks great. Okay, it's there.

It says J2C.

Wait.

Does anyone need to remind you? January 2uary second capricorn is yours black both of us are the same the j and the c are blue and the two is red i need to look closer okay get a little closer with air it extra dry and that's what i want i want people to really get into my neck to look at this thing. Oh.
Because I want to invite a vampire to bite me so that I can live forever. Do you ever want to live forever? Oh, my God.
No. Well, not like that.
I don't want to live like a vampire. So many people say they don't want to live forever.
It's just very common. I think it's the most popular answer to that.
Do you? I think the most popular answer is they do. But then once you start thinking about it, you think.
No, everyone I talk to says, no, I don't want to live forever. But what I don't think is realistic about that is like, what day do they think they're going to wake up and go like, yeah, I want to die today.
So when you think about it that way, the AA wait one day at a time, I think one day at a time you would would live forever you're just not going to wake up and be like okay yep bride's over i i think the old the older you get way older than 50 way older um 250 you're uncomfortable you get uncomfortable like life start in this scenario where you can live to 250 i'm living as I am today they've they completely arrest my aging yeah i'll be 40 for the next 210 years i think you might get bored tired of this i really do i guess what i'm saying is you'd have to be suicidal one day you'd have to wake up and go i don't want to live anymore yeah right and i don't think people do that part of the equation it's like what day do you think you're going to wake up and be suicidal i don't think it would be the same as being suicidal in a real regular life right because you have such a limited amount of time in a regular life and so to cut that short is obviously caused by you have an expectation and it's, yeah. But if you're, you've been on earth for 250 years, I don't know that I would say it's suicidal to say like, you know, I think I did it.
I'm done. As the same way that like an 85 or 90 year old, sometimes I think they feel like, well, I'm depending.
But I do think some people are like, I lived my life and I'm done now. But I do think most of those people, their quality of life's gone down quite a bit.
They can't go out and do things and they can't, you know, there's loneliness and isolation and body pains and incontinence. Don't forget incontinence.
If you were peeing your pants three times a day, you'd be like, I'm fucking done. I'm sick of cleaning my...
Well, somebody else would be cleaning it. So you'd like...
You're the one that wanted to wear diapers and pee in the bed. Yeah.
It sounds great. You already want that.
Last night, yeah, I would have loved to have been wearing a diaper. See?

It's not going to slow you down.

I don't know.

I guess it's just we won't know until we try it.

Yeah.

But my gut is I will be ready to be done.

By then.

I really do. I was wondering if that's a sign of depression.

That should be on like a first questionnaire.

Maybe.

Do you feel like you're going to be done soon?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ironically, I'm not scared of dying.

Me neither.

I mean, I'm scared of everyone else dying.

And that's part of it.

If you live 250 years, the amount of loss you are going to have accumulated is a lot.

It's a lot, but you'll be making new friends and having more children and having more lives no i know you have to just think what if you could live a whole other life in france and then a whole other life in china like yeah there's so many corners of the world yeah to keep things interesting and then after like 800 years you're like I'm gonna move back to Milford Michigan try that out again hope it's still there be not what you remember skyscrapers and flying cars yeah yeah I don't know though it's like are we just I think our lives are supposed to have an end I don't know Well, clearly they are. Yeah.
Yes. Yes.
Yeah. And so I think if we monkey around with that, that's the part I think is interesting.
Yeah. People think like you're going against nature.
What you're really saying is you're going against God. There's something deep that people think you're, you're playing God.
If you live forever. I don't think that.
Cause I don't believe that. Like, but I.
It's the moral dumbfounding. You're like, you know, it's greedy and too much to ask to live forever.
There's something about it. Like there's some moral imperative that feels like being violated by living forever.
I think there's something very poetic about a life. We've been forced to view it that way, though, because it is that is what it is.
I think we have no choice but to see it as poetic. But I don't know.
I think wisdom is real. And I think wisdom obviously comes with experience, but it also comes with knowing that the end is coming closer.
So I don't know if we are living forever, if anyone really ends up acquiring wisdom, like the feeling that you talk about when you talk about like your kids, that's a feeling that I think a lot of older people feel about life in general. They just see the preciousness of the whole picture and humanity and people.
And I think that's a really beautiful thing i and i think you earn that by getting towards the end i really do where you start cherishing everything yeah yeah maybe think how much wisdom you could have though after 400 years i don't think you would i even feel this aging myself is like you'd have seen so many market collapses yeah social upheaval that you would go like yeah and it'll pass yeah you know kind of like kind of like emotions in your body and i've gotten to that like i've just seen like you know 2008 uh you're a monster if you drive an suv the suv market collapses yeah um and then i look up one day and it's like oh no everyone's trying to cross over an suv and everyone just kind of forgot about that thing right and just these cycles of like everyone decided everything is just this is so terrible and we're done with this and then i watch it come right back up yeah it's for me it's helpful because i'll watch the current craze of like what is going to go away and I'll just go like yeah maybe well I don't know we'll see how this yeah the uh my friend Sally uh she has this guy in her building he's older I think maybe like 90 like during the election time he was like it's four years right yeah and and I think some of um, you're seeing some of that in me in our current thing. You're only 40.
I don't think you get to say that. I haven't earned that right.
The 90-year-old gets to. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.
All right. Okay.
Well, this is for Andrew. Andrew Schultz.
Andrew Schultz. Yes.
Some feedback just came in because it's on the week early. It's on Wondery Plus already.
Yeah. and already I read a couple people say like, oh my god, what a

fucking incredible episode. Good.
So that was good.

That's great. Yeah, it was

good to have him and

talk some stuff out.

Okay, Russia,

McDonald's. Oh.

Yeah. They did

sell it to a local

buyer, McDonald's,

during the war. They sold it.
Well, they left Russia. They left Russia.
And then those buildings just got taken over by some other company. Right, but still in the food.
Still at McDonald's. Yeah.
Know what's the name now? It's called. Vladimir Putin's Hamburger House.
Exactly. Putin'sty melt house.
Putin's patties. Putin's patties.
Wow. Vkusno Tachka.
It translates to tasty and that's it. Tasty and that's it is the title.
That feels very Russian, my stereotype. It was like.
I know, it's so bleak. Yeah.
This is what I said. Like, you know, my story of my Russian stone person.
My first house, whatever that is, 20 years ago, and I was redoing the bathroom. And the contractor had brought the stone person that was going to put in all the stone in the bathroom.
Oh, OK. But he hadn't said anything.
And the contractor was like, do do you want this do you want there's so many options right yeah and at a certain point i said sometimes i just wish i was doing this fucking bathroom in russia it's like you want to take shit yes no you want to wash face so i do my russian thing uh-huh and there's no laughing oh and i say are you russian to the guy there he's like yes but it is funny Oh, good. And I say, are you Russian? To the guy there.

And he's like, yes, but it is funny.

Oh, good.

And everyone else laughed.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

So, Tasty and that's it.

Tasty and that's it.

If you don't like Tasty, then fucking keep it moving.

Yep.

Okay.

Now, is Fanta Nazi Coke?

Fanta, owned by Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola company.
Fanta was introduced in 1940 and is the second oldest brand owned by Coca-Cola. Introduced in Germany? Correct.
During World War II due to ingredient shortages. Okay.
So it was created there in Germany land. That's right, in World War II.
Okay.

So, ellipses.

We'll leave it at that.

I always find this so interesting.

Yeah?

I bring it up kind of too often.

But Adidas and Puma were brothers.

Really?

Yes.

They own a shoe company together.

I didn't know that.

And at the outbreak of World War II, one was a sympathizer and one was not. And the company split up over it.
Really? Yeah. So Puma is the non-Nazi one? I'm not going to say anything out loud yet.
Well, yeah. We already know about Adidas and their- Adidas.
Yeah. That was his name.
Right? That was his name. I think that was their last name.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, the Nazi got the last name.
Then the other one had to go with Puma. Pretty cool.
Hey, I like Puma. I mean, everyone likes Pumas, but like, you get to, when it's your last name, it's a blank slate and you get to like really make that a brand.
When it's Puma, you already have an idea of what a Puma is. The logo has to be a Puma.
Yeah. Got to be a mid-sized mountain cat.
Okay. Donnie Burns is the Scottish ballroom dancer who has won many titles and holds a Guinness world record.
I was looking up most winning as ballroom dancer. How many has he won? Well, he's won 14 time world professional Latin champion, 11 time international Latin American dance champion.
That's what's unfair to a lot of these disciplines. You know, a guy like Jordan wins six rings and you're like, he's the Michael Jordan of whatever.
And then some other guys win. He's won 14 times.
He's like, Jordan, you need a stepstool to kiss my ass. That's what he would say.
That is probably what he would say. Yeah.
Yeah. I guess that is unfair.
Yeah. Okay.
Andrew said that Tim Waltz said he was at the Battle of Gettysburg in the Civil War. That was obviously a joke.
Hyperbole. That was hyperbole, and it was a joke.
It was— Tiananmen Square. Correct.
That he said he was there or a part of. And he was not.
Okay. So that was bad.
Okay, bipolar. You said 10 times the rate in Japan.
I mean, I'm sorry. We have 10 times the rate over Japan.
The United States has the highest lifetime rate of bipolar disorder at 4.4%. India, the lowest with 0.1%.
And Japan, 0.7%. 0.7.
44 divided by seven is almost seven. Yeah.
Yeah. So 7.
7%. No.
7 times. 7? We have 7 times the rate, not 10 times the rate.
Yeah. That's still astronomical.
That's a lot. Yeah.
It's a lot. Is Jack Schlossberg JFK's grandson? Yes.
He is. Congratulations.
Oh, okay. I thought he looked like Ben Schwartz oh okay i thought he looked like ben schwartz and i thought he looked like ashen yeah i didn't i didn't he doesn't look like ben schwartz but they have similar mannerisms and then this also i just started watching the pit right which is on max it's a medical drama it's er just call it er it's basically er ER.
It has Noah Wiley. John Wells I think is the show.
Correct. And it's fun.
I really just like medical drama. The only one I ever got hooked on was House.
That's the one I didn't do. Because Hugh Laurie is so incredible.
Yeah, he is such a good actor. And he's a cantankerous addict right and the most brilliant doctor on the planet so you never watched er no really no well i just finished a pit and i'm gonna restart er i thought you're gonna say you're gonna restart pit i just finished the pit and i'm gonna restart it i mean that is something i have done but yeah um no i'm gonna restart er i'm excited about that I was too busy in life when that came out.
You know, it was like early 20s, I think. I wasn't watching TV.
I was like out every single night doing something fun. Yeah, you were probably nine.
Yeah, because I have very vivid memories of watching it with my mom in bed. Fun.
Yes, and in our house in Tennessee. So I would have been seven.
Watching TV in bed is so fun. It is.
Yeah. We would watch ER.
So seven. So yeah, you were 19.
Yeah. That was nostalgic watching The Pit.
But there's an actor on there that is so Ashton-y. Oh, really? Yes.
Ah. And there's an actress that is very Christina Ricci.
Ooh. So there's a lot of doppelgangers on that show, which is interesting.
And then I was reminded that there's some people that are cutouts in the sim. They're a cookie cutter that gets stamped and then they just like change some things i've been saying this yeah now that i'm 40 and i've met congratulations tens of thousands of people in my life yeah i think there's like 1600 people right i meet doubles non-stop and then what's crazy is the people with the same physicality, their personalities are generally the same too.
Like I think how you look ends up predicting a little bit how you're going to act. Yeah.
Maybe. Yeah.
Yeah. So they just take like, they like make the ear a little bigger and like flatten the nose a little bit.
They're like, that one's good. Yeah.
They do like a 2%. Exactly.
Kind of like my tattoos. Ding, ding, ding.
Yeah. Change them enough that them enough that they're original exactly okay i didn't know what buck breaking was um ugly term yeah not ugly ugly activity right correct the history of sexual exploitation of black people by the dominant society particularly the sexual exploitation of black men we're gonna go on buck breaking? No, no, no, no.
AOC's district voted for Kamala. Okay.
She lost some votes. Okay.
But she still won it. Gotcha.
So some people moved over is the thing, but not the majority. Gotcha.
Okay. That's it.
That settles it.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Wonderful.

That was, I was glad we had him on.

Oh, yeah.

Me too.

Yeah.

All right.

Love you.

Love you.

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