Armchair Anonymous: I Quit

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Speaker 1 Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather, and I'm joined by Lily Padman.

Speaker 2 Hi.

Speaker 1 Today's Armchair Anonymous prompt was: I quit.

Speaker 1 Tell us a crazy I quit story. Now,

Speaker 1 guess what? You can finally listen to this one. Oh, good.
Yeah, you can listen to this one. There's, let me hold on, Heidi.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there is some, I guess, light animal cruelty, but the animal's dead.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So other than that, I think you're free to listen. Please enjoy.
I quit.

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Speaker 1 Hard times, come and go.

Speaker 1 Good times, take them slow.

Speaker 1 My life,

Speaker 1 I had them all.

Speaker 1 Remember one thing,

Speaker 1 you gotta know,

Speaker 1 I'm gonna keep on shining.

Speaker 1 What a beautiful, robust set of headphones you're wearing.

Speaker 2 And the wall, is it plaster?

Speaker 1 No, that's a sheet. Oh.

Speaker 3 I'm a labor and delivery nurse. My supervisor is a huge armchairy, and she pulled out like a baby warmer in one of our closets and used foam surgical tape and taped up all these plates.

Speaker 1 Oh my goodness. What's your boss's name?

Speaker 3 Scotty.

Speaker 1 Big props and shout outs and thank yous to Scotty. Okay, Kaylee, what did you quit?

Speaker 3 I quit a job at Wildlife Agency. So I live in Idaho.
My freshman year of college, I applied for my dream job, which was on a snorkel crew. So it was for a summer.
It was in rivers.

Speaker 3 And so we would have like these different sites that we would snorkel to and we would count fish. So like count different kinds of trout and see that there's juveniles, adults.

Speaker 3 And then we would also check up on people fishing and see like if they were catching salmon.

Speaker 3 It's what I was going to school for, which was wildlife biology we camped the whole summer together it was just me and one other girl the rest were older dudes and so of course i'm 19 and have like a huge crush on one of the like leads of the crew each day we had split into groups of two and so of course i volunteered to go with the guy i have a crush on this is hot let's call him greg he needs a name that's kind of like a hot mess.

Speaker 1 Trevor. Oh, Trevor.
Trevor. Trevor is great.

Speaker 3 I volunteer to go with Trevor. So we're going down like these back roads and going way too fast.

Speaker 1 Trevor. He's wild.

Speaker 3 Unfortunately, we're listening to My Dick by Mickey Avalock. He is driving.
He leans down to grab our radio to call out

Speaker 3 and he loses control of the vehicle and it hits the gravel. He overcorrects, hits the guardrail.
Oh boy. And we're probably going like 60 miles per hour and we're in a brand new Yukon.

Speaker 3 Oh no those are gorgeous i know in a company vehicle it hits the guardrail and we roll three times oh my god airbags everything shatters we have a ton of equipment everything's going out the windows it's wild i'm being suspended because the truck landed where i'm on the top.

Speaker 3 So I'm like hanging over and I can't open the door because it's so heavy above us.

Speaker 3 He's trapped. He can't get out either.

Speaker 3 But there was a fish trap like across the road, and someone was there and heard us, ran across, got us out, and took us to a very, very small hospital there, if you can call it a hospital, where our crew meets up with us and they're cutting my clothes off in front of my crew.

Speaker 3 And I am like probably 10 years younger than everyone.

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 3 This is not what I was going for. So luckily he was fine.
I mean, maybe luckily.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I wouldn't mind if he had a broken arm or something, to be honest.

Speaker 3 So I just had like a shoulder strain, but they put me in this sling. So I couldn't drive home.
So I had to call my mom.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, from your first job.

Speaker 3 She drives three hours, comes and picks me up, go home, and I take 13 days off to just recover my shoulder. And so they put me on like muscle relaxers.

Speaker 3 This whole time I'm home, I have horrible diarrhea.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 3 all day, every day. And my mom's like, something is very wrong.
So I went to the doctor and I got giardia.

Speaker 1 Giardia? What's that? How'd you get that?

Speaker 3 So it's a parasite that you get from dirty water.

Speaker 1 Necrotic flesh? No, no, no, different.

Speaker 2 We just had another necrotic flesh.

Speaker 1 This isn't necrotic flesh. So sorry.
She can't stop thinking about hearing the necrotic flesh.

Speaker 2 Flesh is very similar to necrotic flesh.

Speaker 3 I feel like it was. I was was so, so sick.
They also call it, which is so gross, but they call it beaver fever.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 2 because it goes in your vagina.

Speaker 2 No, the beavers poop and then you eat it. Okay, I got it.

Speaker 3 So I got it from, I'm assuming, snorkeling in gross water.

Speaker 1 Yes. God.

Speaker 3 We would snorkel little tributaries and stuff. So sometimes you would get there and just be like, I can't even see in this murky ass water.
It was sometimes nasty.

Speaker 3 So they put me on anti-parasitics and I'm like, cool. I'll go back to work.
Still into the guy that tried to kill me.

Speaker 1 Gotta see Trev.

Speaker 3 He's like hitting me up, making sure I'm okay. I'm like, this guy just heart of gold.
So I go back on day 14. I can't go hiking because I am literally shitting myself every five seconds.

Speaker 3 They're like, it's cool. We'll drive down the river to a different site.
And this time it's my actual boss driving. And Trevor is the passenger.
And I'm in the back seat.

Speaker 3 And we have this new company vehicle since we totaled the other one. It has like suicide doors, so you have to open the front door to get the back doors open.

Speaker 3 My window is down, and then we also have my boss's puppy in the bed in a kennel. Uh-oh.

Speaker 3 My boss and Trevor had gone on like a night hike. My boss was super tired, and he's like, Hey, I need someone else to drive.
Who do you think he chose to drive? T-Dog?

Speaker 1 Me. Oh.

Speaker 1 Again.

Speaker 2 Sexism.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Strikes again.

Speaker 2 He just crashed this society.

Speaker 1 He's the reason you're in a pickup truck.

Speaker 3 Two weeks ago, literally, to the day. So he switches drivers and probably five minutes later, we are rolling.

Speaker 1 Stop it.

Speaker 1 Are you

Speaker 1 serious?

Speaker 3 I am fucking serious.

Speaker 6 Trevor.

Speaker 1 Trevor is. Oh my God.
What a put.

Speaker 2 He should never be allowed to drive again.

Speaker 3 We're rolling down an embankment and land in the river.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. This is how that lady died.
I know that scarred you. I'm sorry, Kaylee.
Stop.

Speaker 2 Why do you keep apologizing? These are no doubts.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 she doesn't know what you're talking about. I know you're referring to this.
And it's McConnell's sister-in-law.

Speaker 2 She drowned in a situation like this.

Speaker 3 So we roll down. I am so lucky because

Speaker 3 it it lands the same exact way as the first one. I'm suspended above the water.
I had to undo my seatbelt, stand in the river, and then my window was open. So I like squeezed through.

Speaker 3 I look behind me and the puppy in the kennel is floating down the river.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, now it's like a Disney movie where the puppy gets separated and goes down the river.

Speaker 2 Oh, and he has an adventure and

Speaker 1 makes friends with a cat.

Speaker 3 We were lucky because the rest of the crew was right behind us. And so someone like hopped in the river, gets the puppy.
The puppy is okay. Everyone,

Speaker 1 fuck them.

Speaker 3 I wiggle out. I'm like standing on the top of the truck and I look and I see my boss and Trevor just chilling fine.
And I just looked at my boss and I was like, I fucking quit.

Speaker 1 Oh, immediately.

Speaker 3 Like I was like, okay, you're breathing. You're breathing.
I fucking quit.

Speaker 2 Like, I hate you.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah, you're trying to kill you twice.

Speaker 3 So I call my mom and I'm like, mom.

Speaker 1 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 2 My poor parents.

Speaker 1 I know. Yeah.
Was she like, honey, is it the diarrhea?

Speaker 2 How's the GRD?

Speaker 1 How's your beaver fever?

Speaker 3 I got all my shit. We went back to base camp.
I got in my car, drove home, and never looked back. I dropped out of the biology program.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. This was really life-changing.

Speaker 3 Yep. And then I went to nursing school.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay, well, we love nurses.
We do.

Speaker 3 But super devastating. I was so excited.
It was like my dream job. It was so cool.
And then I was like, I'm going to die if I continue.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 Two strikes.

Speaker 1 Did Trevor reach out after the second one?

Speaker 3 He did. And he probably for like a year, he would just be like, hey, you doing okay? The crazy shit is that they like drug tested him and everything, obviously.
He was just dumb. Yeah.

Speaker 3 But he also changed his career. He's now a plumber.
So life changing for everybody.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm glad he's not an Uber driver. All right.
Or a chauffeur.

Speaker 1 That was a great story. Two rollovers within two weeks.

Speaker 3 I had to like do counseling. I couldn't go through a car wash for months.

Speaker 1 That's like the sound of the water on the metal. Yeah.
Well, if it got you mad enough to go, I fucking quit. They pushed you to the breaking point.
They did. Yeah.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Well, thank you so much.

Speaker 3 It's so exciting to talk to you guys. I emailed Emma back.
Yes, I'm available before I even looked at my schedule.

Speaker 1 And I was like, shit, I'm at work.

Speaker 3 I got to figure this out. But Scotty came in for me.
I do have to shout out Emily, who's also another Arm Cherry. We talk every week about what's going on.

Speaker 3 And then my dad, Tyler, he's been queen for like 18 years now.

Speaker 1 Oh, go, Tyler.

Speaker 3 So we both listened to Armchair.

Speaker 1 Oh, I love it. Delighted to have the whole family.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this is incredible.

Speaker 1 And the nurse team.

Speaker 1 And Emily. All right.
Well, we adore you. Thank you.

Speaker 3 Thank you so much. It was so great meeting you guys.

Speaker 1 All right. Take care.

Speaker 1 Do you think you've ever had beaver fever?

Speaker 2 No. I think I would know.
I mean, sometimes I do have diarrhea. Take your temperature.
I don't. You know why? I don't go in ponds.

Speaker 1 Right. Or lakes or rivers.
Very clear of ponds.

Speaker 2 Any water. Good thing I didn't get it when I almost drowned on the river on our tubing.
If I got Giardia Beaver fever, I would still be paying

Speaker 2 for that.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

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Speaker 1 Hello. Jim.

Speaker 4 Hello. How are you guys doing?

Speaker 1 Good. And are you a cyclist or just a fan of like French posters?

Speaker 4 I'm a fan of travel posters, but I'm also a cyclist. That's from Rag Bry, which is a ride across Iowa.
They do it every year from the Missouri River to the Mississippi River.

Speaker 1 Tom Arnold did this several times, I believe. It's a big event, right?

Speaker 4 It is. I did the 50th anniversary, and I think it was like 50,000 people.

Speaker 1 You just camp on people's yards and it's a big old party.

Speaker 4 I think the people from Iowa are some of the nicest. people in the entire United States.

Speaker 4 They take you into their homes, they cook you meals, and every small town and every church is putting out like a bait sale. It's really neat.

Speaker 4 You're like invigorating a dream i think i want to put it on my list of things i want to do to do that bike ride that sounds so fun i would recommend it i loved it i'm doing it after the great loop okay tell us about a time you quit i am talking to you from richmond virginia but i grew up in virginia beach virginia the summer of 1995 i just graduated high school my dad actually worked at the school in the business office and this lawn care company cut the grass at the school grounds and he got me a job there i was like oh that'll be pretty good.

Speaker 4 They mostly did commercial lawn care. He got me a job, and two of my friends were you riding a Dixie chopper?

Speaker 1 That's the hope.

Speaker 4 I was like, We're going to be riding big riding mowers. The three of us are going to have a great time together, and we'll spend all summer together just goofing off.
And it was not bad at all.

Speaker 4 You do not get to ride the Dixie mower if you are one of only three people that are there for the summer. Everybody else is there full time doing the work.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 What we expected, and what actually happened was a pretty far cry from each other. So the three of us were split up immediately.
So they had different crews.

Speaker 4 You got there at sunrise, loaded up the trucks. One of my friends only made it two days.

Speaker 4 He was on the residential side and he got fired for jumping on somebody's trampoline and then getting hurt, falling off of it. My other friend was like, this is terrible.

Speaker 1 He made it like a month, then he quit.

Speaker 4 But I gutted it out all summer. And I was exposed to some pretty cool stuff that I hadn't seen before.

Speaker 4 Like we one time went cut a shopping center lawn and a guy just walked right into the grocery store and came out with stakes all down his pants that he had just stolen.

Speaker 4 He's like, I'm gonna sell these later.

Speaker 1 And then he opened up the water cooler and just threw them all in there.

Speaker 4 And we're like, All right, I guess we'll just store your bloody steaks in the water cooler.

Speaker 1 Sure, sure.

Speaker 4 We just had to pile in the back of the truck. We went all over town all day long, and it would rain.
You just put a trash bag over you.

Speaker 4 I mean, it was not safe at all, but we pulled up next to a car that had a failed inspection sticker, and he offered to sell them a counterfeit one. Oh, my God.

Speaker 4 Underground economy that I did not even know of like state selling and picture selling as well. I learned a lot about raunchy humor and drugs.

Speaker 1 This is a seminal experience for a young man. I went to work at a race shop at 15 and I was working with all like 38-year-old dudes.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And the stuff I was hearing and the jokes they were making to me, I was like. terrified half the time I was there.

Speaker 4 Yeah, a lot of masturbation jokes. Some of the people were really, really good, but the guys that ran it were just assholes.
I mean, they just run you straight ragged.

Speaker 4 From the time you get up, the sundown, you kind of come back and unload the truck, and you never cut enough. They were like, Hey, we need to cut more.

Speaker 4 You should be out there, go faster, stop taking so many breaks.

Speaker 4 I was going to go to college, and I had about a week left of summer, and it was uh Sunday, and I met a bunch of friends on the beach, and they had had a completely different summer experience than I had.

Speaker 4 Traveling, they're like, Oh, yeah, the next week we're just going to hang out on the beach.

Speaker 4 This is what I should be doing. Tomorrow, I'm quitting.
And so, I took the zinc sunblock, I was like, I'm gonna quit in a blaze of glory, too. too.

Speaker 4 So I wrote on my chest, mow this with a huge arrow to my cross.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Wow. You really caught up to them.

Speaker 2 You took on their personas.

Speaker 4 I was thinking, like, the crew's going to love this. And all the four men are going to be like, oh, man.

Speaker 4 What was amazing is how well it worked.

Speaker 1 It was bone white on the mow this and then, you know, bright red everywhere else.

Speaker 4 And the arrow was huge. And so I worked all day.

Speaker 4 I was super excited about this i am kind of a blabber i normally will like spill it and i kept it all day i'm like wait until everybody gets a load of this and so we get back and you have to gather around talk about what you got done and then where you're going the next day and what who's on what crew and i was like all right so i ripped my shirt off nobody even like looked at me and then finally someone looked over and i remember a guy like just smoking a cigarette look at me like What in the world does this guy have?

Speaker 4 It was so embarrassing because I had to basically quit with my shirt off and be like,

Speaker 4 today's my last day.

Speaker 1 The punchline was so lost and it was so sad.

Speaker 4 I was really expecting more of a place of glory and I got a whimper.

Speaker 1 Yeah, when you got to explain, like, oh, did you see? So it's like, mow this because

Speaker 2 we mow lawns.

Speaker 1 Because we mow lawns. And then the arrow, though, is, because it's kind of a rough.
It's like, suck my dick.

Speaker 2 But it's also, I'm quitting. And they're like, get out.

Speaker 1 No, you're fired. Actually, you're fired for that joke.
Nobody even laughed.

Speaker 1 My expectations in reality were really, really far apart.

Speaker 4 But to move this was on there for a while.

Speaker 1 Leaving for your first week of school with

Speaker 4 this, not realizing you had communal showers.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, it's great to have a job like that because then you can go like, I really got to figure something out other than this. It's a great motivator.

Speaker 4 I had a lot of manual labor jobs growing up. I think it instills a good work ethic.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Everything is just easier the rest of your life.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 I appreciate the time.

Speaker 2 Thanks for chatting with us.

Speaker 1 It was great meeting you. And you really inspired me to do this Iowa trip.

Speaker 4 It was really, really hot. There was one tornado morning, but people just come out of their house and are like, you can come stay with us.

Speaker 4 As a stranger, I stayed in someone's basement after biking 100 miles that day, smelling horrible, but they gave me a clean shower.

Speaker 4 And it was quite an experience to show how nice the people in Iowa are.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, great meeting you, Jim.
Thanks so much for telling us that story. Thank you guys.
All right. Take care.

Speaker 1 Hello. Hello.

Speaker 5 Can you hear me okay?

Speaker 1 Beautifully. What fake name do you want?

Speaker 5 People have told me that I look like a Zoe, so I'll go with that.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's a great one.

Speaker 1 I have a niece named Zoe. Do you remember the first Zoe? I do.
Kravitz. No.

Speaker 5 I was going to say Deschanel.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's a good one. That's a great one.
I think the first one was Zoe Bowie, David Bowie's kid.

Speaker 2 First one ever.

Speaker 1 And wouldn't you leave it to David Bowie to come up with that?

Speaker 2 Zoe Bowie.

Speaker 1 Are you allowed to tell us where you're at?

Speaker 5 Yeah, I'm actually in Ireland at the moment, but from the Pacific Northwest. So it's where the story takes place.
It's the summer of 2018. I was 17 at the time and I'm looking for a summer job.

Speaker 5 So I'm going to restaurants, shops, cafes, and I end up getting a job at this little cafe and it's owned by a couple who I'll call Linda and Derek.

Speaker 5 They're probably in their mid to late 50s and very well-meaning, but definitely things could get a little awkward because they worked alongside us and the relationship would kind of get in the way sometimes, which was kind of awkward for a teenager and everyone who worked there were young girls.

Speaker 5 The town that this was in a lot of eclectic people we had a lot of interesting customers i think a highlight is a man once brought a full-size dining room table into the store and then took a nap on it oh and that was allowed it was allowed

Speaker 2 like what am i gonna do oh wow

Speaker 5 that's a weird kink yeah like i love sleeping in public on a dining room table is really odd okay after about a month of being there i'm pretty happy because i'm realizing that i'm making probably six or seven dollars an hour in tips on top of my minimum wage pay.

Speaker 5 I'm like, this is way more money than I thought I was going to be making here. But then suddenly that goes down to like $1 to $2 an hour.

Speaker 5 I talk to my coworkers and they're like, yeah, we also noticed that suddenly we've lost all of our tip money, which didn't make sense because it was the height of summer.

Speaker 5 It was way busier than it had ever been. So we're like, you know what? Let's talk to Linda and Derek.
We approach them one day. We're like, hey, like we noticed some of our tip money is missing.

Speaker 5 We don't think anyone's stealing it, but just wanted to alert you to the situation.

Speaker 1 Were the tips gathered in like a tip jar on the counter or left on receipts?

Speaker 5 The cash tips, if people gave us change, we'd put them in a tip jar and then we'd empty that into like a big tip jar.

Speaker 5 And then if people tipped on card, we would immediately take that cash out of the cash register and put that also in the big tip jar.

Speaker 5 So we had basically this massive bin of coins and either two coworkers would roll those coins into like coin rolls or Linda would do it.

Speaker 5 And then what would happen was Linda would take those coins to the bank and she would bring us big bills. So we get like 50 or $100 bills.
So all these tips are missing.

Speaker 5 Linda is immediately very emotional. She starts crying.

Speaker 1 She's like, oh boy.

Speaker 5 I'm so sorry. I don't know what's happening, but really hysterical.
Oh, not the reaction I was expecting. And Derek is like, I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

Speaker 5 I'm going to check the security footage. Someone is stealing from the store.
This is unacceptable. This was on a Friday.
So it was my last shift of the week. I go home, like, great.

Speaker 5 We're going to get to the bottom of this. We'll get our tips back.
I get a text from one of my coworkers the next day. And she's like, Derek found the tips.
They were in a chicken carcass.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 What a great left turn. They were in a chicken carcass.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's not the yummy stuffing, just to warn everyone.

Speaker 5 In no logical way could I make sense of why, how did they get there? I text her back. I make sure she's not joking.
She's like, no, no, no. He's like, I found them in a chicken carcass.

Speaker 5 So I'm like, I'm going down there. So I show up and Linda looks really scared to see me.
She's like kind of darting around.

Speaker 5 Derek and I go and sit outside and he's also being really evasive and he's commenting on like birds he's seeing and not there to have this conversation. I'm like, what happened with the tips?

Speaker 5 He's like, well, I really trust my employees. I didn't think any of you would steal them.
So I wasn't even going to mess around with looking at the security cameras.

Speaker 5 I just went straight to the, I'm going to go through the dumpster and I'm going to find the tips.

Speaker 2 These guys are bad at lying.

Speaker 1 Really bad.

Speaker 5 And the dumpsters are like shared with other businesses. So I keep pressing him and he's like, Linda was making some chicken sandwiches.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. This is like an episode of Parks and Rec or something.

Speaker 2 Or Landia, really.

Speaker 5 So she's making chicken sandwiches and she accidentally puts. the bills, these like $100 bills, which is probably over $1,000

Speaker 5 for thinking for all of the employees, accidentally puts them inside of the chicken.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Who has it? Easy mistake.

Speaker 5 Puts that in the dumpster.

Speaker 5 But I am like, no, no, no. I caught you in your lie.

Speaker 1 Good for you.

Speaker 5 I was really into Nancy Drew as a kid.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this is your moment.

Speaker 2 Not to get hung up on this, but they're making the chicken sandwiches from a real chicken. Like, it's that good.

Speaker 1 O-P-N-W,

Speaker 1 small artsy town.

Speaker 5 They had a farm.

Speaker 1 Dang. Yeah, some good farms.
That sounds yummy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And if you don't get a stray $100 bill in your sandwich.

Speaker 5 Honestly, I would appreciate that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it'd be worth it.

Speaker 5 It was getting weirder and weirder. And I was like, no, Derek, I actually know that she made those earlier on in the week and the garbage is collected on a Friday morning.

Speaker 2 Wow, Nancy.

Speaker 1 Nance Drew.

Speaker 5 There's no way the bills would have been in the dumpster. And also, how many garbage bags did you go through? And why did you look inside of the chicken carcass? He can't explain it to me.

Speaker 5 So he just switches to, you know what this is about? You must be on your period.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 Derek, Derek, Derek, Derek, this is not an acceptable tactic.

Speaker 5 My god, he's trying to period shame you, he's trying to gaslight you, and then he brings Linda into it and he's like, Linda, come on over here. You're going through menopause, right?

Speaker 5 And I think what's happened is your menopause and Zoe's period has synced up, and you're just really fueling each other's hormonal rage.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 2 Derek, this is is disgusting.

Speaker 1 This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. So many of us are really impacted by the colder seasons when it gets dark so much earlier and the days feel shorter than ever.

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Speaker 2 Yes, I was literally just thinking about how much I love mine. I think I've worn them every night since we got them.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, I barely was able to get out of mine to come in today. So I've always been that guy who just sleeps in whatever, random t-shirt, you know, old shorts.

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Yes. And then the fabric is just snuggling me all night long.

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I like after my shower, my routine, to get into a cute pair of pajamas.

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Speaker 5 So, this is not okay. If I was going to get my money back, I'd move on.
But I did not appreciate this.

Speaker 5 So, I went home and I remember talking to my parents, and they were like, be respectful, write a two-week letter, give it to them on your next shift, and then find another job.

Speaker 5 So, came in on Monday morning, gave Derek the letter. Linda's also there.
She immediately starts crying.

Speaker 1 Oh, Linda.

Speaker 2 She is in menopause.

Speaker 5 She's going through something.

Speaker 5 And Derek is very angry. He's yelling that I'm ungrateful for my job.
It's just the hormones.

Speaker 1 I'm never going to find another job.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 What is wrong with these people? They're going to poison the town like Ma, Nod Sheila.

Speaker 1 Yeah, a couple steps away.

Speaker 5 The way that he was yelling at me, I was a little scared. So I was like, you know what? I quit.
I took off my apron. I walked out.
I had another job two days later and they shut down.

Speaker 1 The health department finds a big wad of money in the chicken carcass. They're going to be like, you guys can't sleep.

Speaker 2 Well, which is obviously not what happened.

Speaker 1 Did you at least get that tip money that had been missing?

Speaker 5 No, he said that he would give it to us. And maybe if I had stayed, I would have got it.
And it was probably like a couple hundred bucks.

Speaker 1 Oh. Yeah, fuck.

Speaker 1 I kind of think the guy that was sleeping on the table inside was Derek's brother.

Speaker 2 Or Derek in disguise.

Speaker 1 In disguise. What was going on with them?

Speaker 1 You know, like you can be really mad at them as you're entitled to be, but also some people's lives are so terrible. You're like, oh, they're already paying the price for this mania.

Speaker 1 There's like no way there's any joy happening when they get home from work and he's dealing with Linda who stole all the tip money. Well, what's your tip?

Speaker 1 I think she stole it because she's bawling the second she heard about it. Right.
I think she was trying to squirrel away some money to get away from Derek.

Speaker 2 Or Derek stole it and she felt so guilty and she knew he was taking the money and so she started crying.

Speaker 1 Could be. And he was gaslighting her and saying you stole it.

Speaker 2 They were in cahoots with the money.

Speaker 1 Unless she was trying to squirrel it away to make her escape. Well, like Julia Roberts in that movie.

Speaker 2 Oh, Sleeping with the Enemy. Jess brings that up all the time.

Speaker 1 That's a good one.

Speaker 5 I definitely think she was the one who took it based on her reaction. Now I feel bad if she was trying to leave him.

Speaker 1 Okay, well,

Speaker 1 forwarded herself.

Speaker 2 Don't feel bad. We do not know the details.

Speaker 1 No, maybe the shutdown was she finally got out of there. And then he's like, I'm not going to run this thing by myself.

Speaker 2 The shutdown is like they are not able to conduct business.

Speaker 1 Yeah, or she made her a big escape. And she's got a new, healthy life.

Speaker 2 You want that to be.

Speaker 2 So we'll say that.

Speaker 1 Oh, boy. Do you you go back to the town? Have you ever bumped into them?

Speaker 5 My dad still lives there. So I am always a little on edge because everyone knows everyone when I go back for Christmas, but never seen them.

Speaker 1 Oh, well.

Speaker 1 Zoe, that was really bizarre in a great way. I was nervous.

Speaker 5 I was like, I don't know if I have a story good enough. And I saw this prompt.
Like, okay, this might be my chance.

Speaker 2 Chicken carcass.

Speaker 1 That'll get you here for sure.

Speaker 1 Well, it's lovely meeting you, Zoe. Thank you.
Have fun in Ireland. Are you drinking Guinness and Beamish and all the fun beers? I am.

Speaker 5 I also discovered a baby Guinness, which is like Kahlua and something else. And it's so cute.
It literally is in a shot glass.

Speaker 1 Oh, cute.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, Guinness in either Baileys or Kahlua and a little Jameson is called an Irish Carbomb. And those are fucking outrageous.
They taste like a milkshake.

Speaker 2 Give that a try.

Speaker 1 Give that a couple bangs.

Speaker 1 All right. Wonderful meeting you.
Have fun. You too.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Bye.

Speaker 2 Weird.

Speaker 2 What happened? I just got a text from Zoe.

Speaker 1 Oh my goodness. Which Zoe?

Speaker 2 A friend of mine named Zoe who I haven't spoken to since September 4th, 2023.

Speaker 1 Whoa. Something's collapsing.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 1 There's a glitch.

Speaker 1 Oh, wonderful. We have a visitor.
Oh, my gosh, it's a little bit.

Speaker 6 This is Huxley. He's almost six weeks.

Speaker 1 Oh, Huxley looks perfect. I want to hold Huxley.
Huxley.

Speaker 1 Look, he's just staring up at his mom. He knows that she's got all the things he needs.

Speaker 6 All right. Do you want to go with daddy while I talk?

Speaker 1 Or take a nap.

Speaker 1 Oh, he's got little turtle jammies. Oh,

Speaker 1 he's in the bag of potato phase. Do you see? He looked like a little sack of potatoes when he moved around.
Rock on.

Speaker 6 I'm going to use my middle name for legal reasons, just in case. It's Roxanne.

Speaker 1 Roxanne. You've got a Roxanne vibe.

Speaker 2 That's a great name.

Speaker 6 Thanks. I like it too.

Speaker 1 Are you allowed to tell us where you're at in the country or would that be too incriminating?

Speaker 6 I'm in Hummelstown, Pennsylvania, which is right in between Harrisburg and Hershey. So in between the capital and chocolatown.

Speaker 1 I went to Hershey as a kid. Very fun.
Have you been there, Mom?

Speaker 2 No, I wanted to go.

Speaker 1 Yeah, all over the town. The little street lamps are Hershey Kisses.

Speaker 1 Did I make this up? I feel like I took a boat ride on chocolate and there was chocolate rollers that you could see.

Speaker 6 Yeah, that's chocolate world.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 6 that is a free ride that you can do in addition to Hershey Park.

Speaker 1 We might have just done the free ride.

Speaker 2 You got to go there. You're always acting like you didn't get to do stuff and you went to Hershey World.

Speaker 1 Hershey, Pennsylvania. You got to go.

Speaker 6 That was another job I had that I have a different quit story, but not this one.

Speaker 1 Oh, you worked at Hershey?

Speaker 6 I worked at Hershey Park in games.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 really? Where people would throw the balls. Yeah.
Oh, wow. Were you a teen? That would be fun to meet boys.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I was a teen. I was dating a boy there who I was also dating for this other story.

Speaker 1 Oh, great.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 6 He sucks. It was a weird, engaged at 16 situation.

Speaker 6 Luckily, that didn't go through.

Speaker 2 I like it. I like to hear that.

Speaker 6 The story that I have takes place at Kmart.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're hitting all my erogenous zones right now. Kmart, Hershey.
Yes, Blue Light Special.

Speaker 6 This was 2002, 2003. I was 16-ish.
And to preface, I do not condone my actions of this story or my behavior at all. Undiagnosed ADHD, heavily angsty-teen, anything's possible.
I hated this job.

Speaker 6 I applied at Kmart to be a cash register lady. I wanted to be that since I was a small child.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I can relate.

Speaker 6 Yeah, it's the best. The buttons, I mean, a sensory dream.

Speaker 1 So.

Speaker 6 They put me on stock straightening the shelves. It was mind-numbing and I hated it.

Speaker 6 So I was always trying to like call off and a normal person would just find a different job, but I had to come up with a grand scheme to get out of this job.

Speaker 6 So one day I arrived for my four-hour shift and I noticed there was a ladder in the aisle, like one of those stepladders, like staircase. So I devised a plan to fall off the ladder.

Speaker 6 And in my teenage brain, I was going to then sue Kmart.

Speaker 2 Oh my God, you had big dreams.

Speaker 6 And then also sue to never have to work again.

Speaker 1 Oh my god. Right.
You're going to retire at 16, basically. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 6 It was so awful working at Kmart.

Speaker 6 So I'm like devising this plan all day, straightening my shelves. I'm walking over.
I'm like, how am I going to do it? So finally I decide to do a test run and I look around.

Speaker 6 I don't see anybody nearby. So I walk to the top of the ladder and I'm just trying to figure out how I'm going going to fake fall.
I've never done that before.

Speaker 6 So I kind of kick my leg out in front of me and I go down and I start falling and I fall on the floor.

Speaker 1 In my head, I'm like, okay, this went pretty well.

Speaker 6 But then all of a sudden, I hear this woman and she's like, I saw the whole thing.

Speaker 1 Don't move. I'm a nurse.

Speaker 6 So she's like, I'm going to stay with you. Don't move your neck.

Speaker 1 I'm like, I think I'm fine. And then probably just stand up.

Speaker 6 She's like, no, no. So she gets the manager and then they call 911.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 2 Oh my God.

Speaker 6 At this point, I'm just like, I'm going to go to jail.

Speaker 6 They have to tell my parents because I'm a minor. So my parents are involved.
They bring out the stretcher. They put me in the neck brace.
So now at this point, I have to play along.

Speaker 6 So I'm like, oh, you know, my neck. So they get me to the ambulance.
They take me to the hospital, which is nearby.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, how embarrassing.

Speaker 6 They check me out. They didn't admit me, obviously, because I had no injuries.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, you're just fine. Sure.

Speaker 6 So they checked me out, send me home. And I don't know.
I was asking my mom earlier if they went through their insurance or if it ended up being a workers' comp claim.

Speaker 6 She said she thinks it ended up being a workers' comp claim. But anyway, I promptly quit.

Speaker 2 Sure. Well, you were too hurt.

Speaker 1 Every time you walked by that aisle, you probably shuddered.

Speaker 6 I know, the health and beauty aisle. Oh.

Speaker 2 So they never found out.

Speaker 1 What'd What'd you get out of it? I got the rest of the day off.

Speaker 2 But were they worried about getting sued?

Speaker 6 They didn't really say anything, and I did not go through with that part of my plan.

Speaker 1 I was like,

Speaker 1 they didn't mention it.

Speaker 6 We just parted ways, and everybody was like, you're good. You're not injured.
So we're good. And you're not going to work here.
So that's fine. I would imagine it covered the ambulance, right?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Those are pricey.

Speaker 2 That is hilarious.

Speaker 1 I love that you threw yourself down one of the, I mean, what a preposterous plan.

Speaker 6 Yeah. Now being medicated for ADHD and understanding that brain, it makes a lot more sense.
It explains a lot with my work history. Now I have my own place.

Speaker 6 So that works well for me to do my own thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 6 There's the inattentive type. So I could skip class to watch ER and lay on the couch all day.
Got to finish this episode. Yeah.

Speaker 6 I moved to Florida after high school randomly one night. I just drove down with a pizza,

Speaker 6 lived there for a few months.

Speaker 5 What?

Speaker 1 And then came back.

Speaker 6 Very impulsive.

Speaker 2 Did it hurt?

Speaker 6 I don't think it hurt. If anything, I might have bruised up my thigh.
That was my plan to tell them that I was hurt and that I needed to go home.

Speaker 6 Once I brought myself down from the suing, I was just going to try to get the rest of the day off.

Speaker 2 Oh, those nurses, they're so sweet. They're just so on top of it.

Speaker 1 You got to make sure you don't have a spinal injury.

Speaker 6 She was so kind and I was such a dick.

Speaker 1 That's okay. She went home.
She felt good. She told her husband, this poor young teen broke her neck at Kmart today.
They should not have them up on those ladders. That should be something for adults.

Speaker 2 Yeah, maybe that was the hill that she chose. Now she's an advocate.

Speaker 1 Well, Roxanne, delightful meeting you and your little baby.

Speaker 6 No, thank you so much for the podcast. I'm also in recovery.
I'm eight years sober.

Speaker 1 That's so funny. When you said you moved to Florida, I was like, do we have any addiction? I'm smelling some addiction, but that's great.
I didn't ask you. But I felt like I saw you at sea.

Speaker 1 Yes, for sure.

Speaker 2 Congrats on eight years.

Speaker 1 Congrats.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 6 Congrats to you, too.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 6 I love everything that you guys do.

Speaker 1 I'm not ready to diagnose myself with ADHD, but I do wonder. I certainly enjoyed cocaine more than everyone else.

Speaker 6 I never tried it because I knew I would love it and I was terrified I would die.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was probably a good choice for you. Yeah, true.
Well, congrats. That's great news.
And now you got a little baby. So all the promises are coming true.

Speaker 6 Yes. I have a seven-year-old daughter and then Huxley.

Speaker 1 Oh, I love it. All right.
Well, wonderful meeting you.

Speaker 6 Yes, wonderful meeting you. Thank you so much.
All right.

Speaker 1 Take care.

Speaker 2 Well, that was sweet.

Speaker 1 I wanted to hold that little baby. Me too.
The way she passed him on. His shape was a ball.
If you lift an adult up, they straighten out.

Speaker 2 They roly pull.

Speaker 1 Yes, he stayed snuggled.

Speaker 2 Allison Roman just had a baby. She did.
Yes, and she sent me a picture, and he's so cute.

Speaker 1 I hope she doesn't cook them.

Speaker 1 She doesn't accidentally cook them.

Speaker 1 She gets going. She'll just throw anything.

Speaker 2 I kind of understand what you mean because they're so tasty.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they do look delicious. Yeah.
All right. All right, love you.
Love you.

Speaker 1 Do you want to sing a tune or something? I'm going to have a theme song. Oh.

Speaker 1 Okay, great.

Speaker 1 We don't have a

Speaker 1 song for this new show, so here I go, go, go.

Speaker 1 We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions

Speaker 1 on the fire rhyme dish

Speaker 1 on the fire rhyme dish enjoy

Speaker 1 follow armchair expert on the wondry app amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts you can listen to every episode of armchair expert early and ad-free right now by joining wondry plus in the wondry app or on apple podcasts before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry.com slash survey hey basketball fans steve

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