Nikki Glaser

Speaker 1 Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.
Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 1 Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Rather, and I'm joined by Modest Mouse.
Hi. June Modest Mouse is going on tour this summer, and I really want to see them.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 They're not coming to the West Coast.

Speaker 2 Oh, well, do you think they'll send us some merch? Because I would really love a shirt that says that.

Speaker 1 Modest Mouse, will you send us some merch? We should just go buy some merch and stuff. They were just here in the fall.
I saw them. Oh, they were here in the fall? Yep.
They did a good news tour.

Speaker 1 They're doing a southern tour. I saw

Speaker 1 Asheville's on the list. Maybe while I'm in Nashville, I can go see them somewhere.
Anyways, that's not who our guest is. It's not Modest Mouse.
I do love Modest Mouse. Our guest is Nikki Glazer.

Speaker 1 This couldn't have been more fun. I am so delighted.
So fun. We decided to explore.

Speaker 3 Our history.

Speaker 1 Our history it was so fun i really really really like her she's a stand-up comedian an actor and a television host her credits include nikki glazer someday you'll die great stand-up routine f-boy island welcome home nikki glazer not safe with nikki glazer bangin' and her tour you can go see her right now live She is coming by you.

Speaker 1 I've looked at the list. She's going everywhere.
It's a huge tour. It's called a live and unwell tour.
Go to nikkiglazer.com for tickets.

Speaker 2 And she hosts of the Golden Globes. G squared.

Speaker 1 Pick them up.

Speaker 1 Please enjoy Nikki Glazer.

Speaker 1 We get support from AG1.

Speaker 1 I'm always looking for ways to simplify my wellness routine without cutting corners. That's why I've been drinking AG1 every morning for years.
I love the taste. I love the simplicity.

Speaker 1 I love how I feel after I have my glass of AG1. AG1 is a daily health drink that's basically replaced my entire supplement cabinet.
75 plus vitamins, minerals, and whole food ingredients in one scoop.

Speaker 1 It supports gut health, gives me steady energy without crashes, and supports my immune health. Huge when I'm constantly around people for interviews.

Speaker 1 Less than three bucks a day doing the work of multiple supplements. With travel and holiday chaos, those antioxidants and functional mushrooms help my body stay resilient.

Speaker 1 You know, we had back-to-back Halloween, then I traveled to Palm Springs, hosted a birthday party, came back, and my first thought was like, oh, I got to totally recharge. Went straight to the AG1.

Speaker 1 Head to drinkag1.com slash stacks to get a free welcome kit with an AG1 flavor sampler and a bottle of vitamin D3 plus K2 when you first subscribe. That's drinkag1.com slash stacks.

Speaker 1 We are supported by Peloton. You know how life gets especially chaotic this time of year? Work, kids, trying to remember what day it is.

Speaker 1 For me, finding time to move can feel impossible, but that's where Peloton comes in.

Speaker 1 Peloton has completely reimagined cross-training with the new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus, powered by Peloton IQ.

Speaker 1 It's Peloton's most elevated equipment yet, real-time guidance, endless ways to move, and it helps you get more done in less time.

Speaker 1 I like the time crunch aspect of it because sometimes I only got 20 minutes to squeeze something in. This is perfect.

Speaker 1 With Peloton IQ, you get personalized plans, form correction, and weight suggestions that help you train smarter and stay consistent no matter how busy life gets.

Speaker 1 Let yourself run, lift, sculpt, push, and go. Explore the new Peloton Cross Training Tread Plus at onepeloton.com.

Speaker 3 In the hours and days before a podcast like this, I'm like, oh, people are just having to study me right now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, does it make you nervous?

Speaker 3 No, it makes me feel bad because I have imposter syndrome that I'm not good. And I'm like, he's going to know that I'm not good now.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 If he pays too much attention, he's going to figure out that I'm a fraud.

Speaker 1 Between the lines. Yes.

Speaker 3 If you just look at the things that are posted, you're like, oh, she's talented. But if you like, get into it, you might like.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you just a baseline. How nervous do you get for things? Obviously, you're brave as fuck.
You go on stage.

Speaker 1 But like when you go to Stern, and I'm not comparing myself to that, just what's the nerves out of 10 for Stern?

Speaker 3 Well, I kind of set things up so that I can't be because I'm so worried about the roast or I'm so worried about the globes that it's almost like, oh, I have to do Stern too.

Speaker 3 So it kind of takes away from that. Right.

Speaker 1 You don't even have an opportunity to spin out about it because it's just too much shit's in front of you.

Speaker 3 I love when things happen last minute or they kind of just are thrust upon you. I don't like to have a lot of time to think about things because when I do, I freak out.

Speaker 3 So everything in my life is five minutes before every appointment. My assistant will be like, do you want 30 minutes between that? I go, for what? To think about what I've just done?

Speaker 3 So no, everything's stacked.

Speaker 1 The first time I did Stern, I laid in bed that night anticipating every single conceivable question. Whoa.
And then planning what my response would be.

Speaker 3 That's good, I think.

Speaker 1 I mean, it was in some way because I went in knowing, okay, I've slept with some famous women. I know he's going to want to talk about that.
I have to have a game plan for that.

Speaker 1 I'm obviously not going to talk about it, but I don't want to piss him off or disappoint him. Yeah, you want to be a fun guest.
Yes.

Speaker 1 So what worked was I was like, I'm going to pivot to addiction every time because I know he also loves that. And I'm happy to give him that.

Speaker 3 And that's just me. It's like either talk about anal or your addictions and your neuroses.

Speaker 1 Who's virginity? They're all the same thing.

Speaker 3 Really? True.

Speaker 3 Yeah, they really are. They're connected.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're all connected.

Speaker 1 Absolutely.

Speaker 3 I tend to underprepare so that when it goes poorly, I have an excuse. I think that's also why I stacked my life is so that I don't have time to prepare.

Speaker 3 So I always have have an excuse for when I'm not good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you have some kind of plausible deniability.

Speaker 3 But it never goes poorly if I plan. Planning does work.
I should just do that.

Speaker 1 Do you do what I do, which is, and we'll go right to it? When I had heard. Did you hear us talking about the golden gloves thing?

Speaker 3 I don't like to hear people talking about me. So I did not listen, but I heard it was talked about.

Speaker 1 Almost you have to because people never relay it the same. I'll hear like so-and-so was shit talking to you, and then I listen to it.

Speaker 3 I'm like, that's not really what happened. No, you should listen back.

Speaker 1 So my experience was bumping into Jesse Eisenberg, him telling me, did you hear we were in the New York Times yesterday? And I'm like, no, I didn't know we were in the New York Times.

Speaker 1 And he said, yes, apparently Nikki had written two jokes that were too hot for TV.

Speaker 3 Too hot.

Speaker 1 And it was in the New York Times. So I returned to my seat before the monologue starts and I'm thinking, she's going to fuck me up hardcore.

Speaker 1 I'm sure the version she backed off of is still going to destroy my feelings.

Speaker 1 So I, hold on, hold on. This is not to make you feel guilty.

Speaker 3 No, I hate that you were like bracing for impact.

Speaker 1 It was more like I have to have a response that doesn't make me look like an asshole. Yeah.
I've got to somehow find the humor in whatever mean things she says about me.

Speaker 1 Gracious lose her face, they call it. Yeah, gracious loser.
So I'm like almost practicing.

Speaker 1 Oh, God. Suffice to say the whole monologue, every time it wasn't about me, I was like, oh, okay, whoo.
So nothing happened. Then reality hits you and you're like, of course nothing happened.

Speaker 1 There's so many bigger people in this room to make a joke about. Why on earth would she even make one about me?

Speaker 3 That's not why I didn't.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 All to say, you do do stern the following day and then i start seeing in the comments of our episode that day like did you hear nikki's joke about you and i wrote to several people no and i hope to never hear it

Speaker 1 but you must know what i then crafted in my head that your joke was they were so fucking mean they hurt so bad because they were my deepest insecurities and three days goes by and kristen finally went and listened and she gave in she goes the joke's nothing is that you were gonna ask everyone to be on your podcast.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh my God, where my mind was at.

Speaker 3 This is the worst part of my job is that I make people feel this way.

Speaker 1 I want to hear this. Yes, none of that is to make you feel bad.
No, no, no. I'm not taking it like that.
Okay, good. This is all the racket in my head.
Sure.

Speaker 1 And so when I'm about to do Stern, I'm also preparing for things he's not going to say to me. Yes.
Because no one is as mean to me as me.

Speaker 3 No one.

Speaker 1 Ah, sometimes.

Speaker 1 Okay, the internet exists.

Speaker 3 I will say that sometimes I've done a roast and they'll find something about me that I'm like, I thought that was just a me thing that I say to my friends and they go, no one else sees that about you.

Speaker 3 And then someone else has seen it. And so sometimes it can hurt a lot.
But generally, I've bullied myself more than anyone possibly could.

Speaker 3 But that joke, the reason I didn't do it, you know, the joke was everyone from TV and movies come together for one common goal to get out of here without Dak Shepard asking them to do their podcast.

Speaker 3 It's a great joke. Okay.
First of all, it doesn't work because everyone does want to do your podcast. So I was testing it out around town.

Speaker 3 And because you're not known as a podcast that's like, oh, I got to go do this. It's funny because your name is great.
It adds a good joke texture

Speaker 1 that sounds like

Speaker 1 a faith company.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 When you say it sounds like a faith company.

Speaker 3 We were really trying to rack our brains of who's a celebrity in that room, who people are trying to avoid a conversation with. And I don't even think we landed on it.

Speaker 1 When I heard that was the joke, it didn't bother me at all because it's a shortcoming of mine that I won't invite anyone on, right? Because I'm so afraid they think I'm opportunistic.

Speaker 1 And then secondly, several people there had come up to me very nicely and said, I just want you to know that was was one of my favorite interviews.

Speaker 1 So, my self-esteem in that category was so filled that it didn't bother me at all.

Speaker 1 But when it was going to be that I was too ugly to be with her and I'm riding her coattails and all these fears I have that people think about me.

Speaker 1 I'm preparing for that. In my defense, there were many, many Buzzfeedie type things of top 10 ugly guys with hot girls.
And I made those lists. Why is that over here? So I just went to.

Speaker 1 Well, that's probably what's coming my way. You don't know me an apology because you didn't do the things I I was doing.

Speaker 3 I'm sorry that you got

Speaker 3 that shit.

Speaker 3 There's nothing worse than feeling ugly, and I feel ugly a lot too.

Speaker 3 And for me to hear you say you feel ugly is probably the way that people feel when I say it, because I know I'm not like a total dog.

Speaker 1 Neither of us are monsters.

Speaker 3 But we can't help that we feel that way. Because to me, I'm like, how could he feel ugly? But I don't get to tell you you don't get to feel ugly because that's your own feeling.

Speaker 3 I wouldn't make an ugly joke about someone that was actually ugly.

Speaker 1 I feel like it's the thing.

Speaker 3 But you don't realize that people who aren't ugly feel ugly. So when you make the joke that you go, I only said you were fat because you're not or whatever it is.

Speaker 3 But everyone feels these things that anyone else would say. No way you are.

Speaker 1 Well, the two things I hope that got to you were, A, I thought you did a brilliant job. You did such a good job.
And your jokes were so fucking funny.

Speaker 3 Even though you were probably blacked out during the whole thing, just waves.

Speaker 1 It was like waves of relief.

Speaker 3 I know that feeling of they're going to say something about me and just waiting. You can't even hear.
You're just kind of like, ah.

Speaker 1 I'm even self-conscious that when they go to her for her category, I'm like, this is such a rough look for me to just kind of be half in or out of the

Speaker 1 way. Yeah, I'm like, should I bail out or should I commit fully? We're here together.
I don't belong there. You know, all these things.

Speaker 3 Oh, feeling like you don't belong there when you're a plus one.

Speaker 1 If it's your wife, I can't accomplish enough to not feel that way.

Speaker 3 100%. I was at the Grammys last night and I felt that way.
I wanted to. You had a whole bit there, though.

Speaker 2 You had to rip off Benson Boone's claws.

Speaker 1 That was great. But I almost wondered if you're relieved of it there.
I feel like I could go to the Grammys and be fine. I don't belong there.
Yeah. It's the I almost belong there or do I don't?

Speaker 2 I could belong here, but I wasn't really below it.

Speaker 1 Well, sometimes I did belong here, but I don't think anybody else is.

Speaker 3 I was hosting the Golden Globes and was like, I'm a fraud.

Speaker 1 I don't belong here.

Speaker 3 I'm embarrassed. These people even have to listen to me.
These are all A-listers. Ray Fienn has to know my name.
Now my name is taking space up in Ray Fiennes' brain.

Speaker 3 Angela Micholi had to like sit there and listen to me for nine minutes. When you start thinking about things like that, you're like, who am I to beg for these people's attention?

Speaker 1 Even backstage, after I perform, I never really want to see the crowd because I feel like they will feel like they have to say good job if they don't want to and then if they don't say good job i'm like what the you actually get great at delineating the difference between an obligatory good job and the real one oh yeah and now your standard of what a real one is becomes preposterous yes and there's almost nothing good enough that anyone can say i want to send you at some point someone sent me it's great it's from garrison keeler and he talks about his faux humility what a ruse it is Because not only does he want people to talk about him and think about him, but he actually wants them to kneel and pray to him as a sun god.

Speaker 1 That that's really what his ego desires. You just need to be a sun god or not even play the game.
Nothing.

Speaker 1 And he's got our bust.

Speaker 3 Please send that to me because it's so nice when you find that other people feel these exact same things that you feel so ridiculous. Feel gross.
I was backstage.

Speaker 3 The next presenter would be backstage as well. You know, Nicholas Cage or Harrison Ford.
And I would stand at the bottom. They're like, you need to go up the steps.
You're introducing them.

Speaker 3 And I'd go, I just want to stay down here because I don't want them to have to go, oh, yeah, good job. Like they can't say nothing.
They're going to feel obligated to say something.

Speaker 3 Even when I'm on stage, I won't look people in the eye because I feel like when you do, they have to go, ha ha.

Speaker 3 I don't want to coerce someone into saying good job. I want them to have to like go out of their way or because they want to.

Speaker 1 I'm doing all those tabulations too. How exhausting.

Speaker 2 So I, of course, got so many texts and it was like, Did you see Stern?

Speaker 1 And I was like, whoa, God.

Speaker 2 I really hope he didn't see it. Also, Dax is obsessed with Stern.

Speaker 3 Like, Stern is his idol. Okay, I I didn't realize that.

Speaker 2 I too went to watch and I was like, oh, this is fine. But then I was annoyed because I was like, he actually doesn't do this.
And now he's going to do it even less. And I need him to do it.
Exactly.

Speaker 2 And I DM'd her and I was like, hey, we really want to have you on. Also, Dax isn't the one asking people, it's me.

Speaker 3 That's why the joke didn't work. I got the sense that that's not how you operate at all.
And why don't you operate that way? This is one of the biggest things you can be on. Do you not realize that?

Speaker 3 Or do you just still feel like despite it, they still don't want to?

Speaker 1 It's my foundation. Single mother, three kids.
Everyone needs something. She doesn't have enough time.

Speaker 1 The way you showed people you love them is to never, ever, ever be a drain on them in any way whatsoever.

Speaker 1 The way you would show love is to be completely self-sufficient and never need anything from you. This is a big issue in my marriage, which is she likes acts of service.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, me wanting you to do something for me to me reads is like, I don't even love you or value you. So I don't want to be a pain in the ass to anybody.

Speaker 1 To a fault, me needing things from you and favors there's no way you would like me everyone needs people you guys everyone needs favors and people like being asked

Speaker 1 for things i like being asked i do too so why do we think people are different than us listen i don't want to pretend that i've made no movement on this i have it started in a personal capacity where i'm really spinning out about something i've just now learning to reach out to someone who's been through this and say like hey i'm going through this what was your experience people love that yes Yes.

Speaker 3 I love it too. Everyone wants to be the sun god that people are.

Speaker 3 They really do.

Speaker 3 Well, last night I was at the Grammys. I feel like I don't belong there.
I don't want people even noticing me to go like, why is she here? Even though I was nominated for a Grammy,

Speaker 3 I didn't win. I was so mad I didn't win only because I wanted to bring my Grammy to hold it to be like, I belong.
I just wanted to have a reason to be there. So I was being very small.

Speaker 3 And then people were coming up to me, people I'm fans of. And my boyfriend had to talk with me after we were just kind of doing a debrief afterwards.

Speaker 3 He's like, I think you have to remember that you you need to go up to people next time. You going up to someone will be the same gift as Olivia Rodrigo coming up to you.

Speaker 3 Cause that was like the biggest gift of my life was someone I admire so much coming up to me to say she was a fan. He was like, but you could go give that to people.

Speaker 3 And I was like, I don't think of anyone thinking that they would want that from me. Did you talk to Taylor? I didn't.
Everyone wants a piece. I will never be the one to be like, excuse me ever.

Speaker 3 It's almost rude what I do when I'm in the same room as Taylor Swift because I won't even look her way.

Speaker 2 She's like tapping you on the shoulder.

Speaker 3 It will take that because I just will never. And everyone goes, go up and say something to her.
There's no way that she's dying for that in a night like this where everyone's doing it.

Speaker 3 And of course, she would be so nice. I know exactly how it would go down, but I don't want to take someone's energy away that I require their energy to be put into making great music.

Speaker 3 I don't want her to make a less great song because she had to be like, oh, nice to meet you.

Speaker 1 Oh, and like hold me as I'm crying. Give me a teacher.
No, we don't mean

Speaker 1 to be able to do that. I can't bother her.

Speaker 3 I generally, after award shows, get pretty depressed no matter what happens because I'm around all these famous people that I put on a pedestal and I kind of see the facade of it all and the desperation.

Speaker 3 And they're all wearing uncomfortable clothes and have the fake hair in. And I'm like, we're all clamoring to be noticed and a little bit disappointed when we're not.

Speaker 3 It makes me a little bit sad because I'm like, no matter how big you get, you kind of worry about who's in the room, who's looking at you, where you're seated.

Speaker 3 I kind of go through a depression afterwards.

Speaker 1 It's seeing the magic trick a bit. You realize, oh, there isn't any pixie dust.

Speaker 3 There is pixie dust. There's magical moments where you're like, wow, that person's so talented.
They're so amazing.

Speaker 3 Just even watching Chapel Rohn last night, Sabrina Carpenter, Ray, who I had never heard of, but watching her was just transcendent.

Speaker 1 Definitely musicians when they're doing their thing. And if you were watching the people in the room act, perhaps.
Right, yes. But you're just seeing them not lit and not in a riveting drama.

Speaker 1 And they're just people.

Speaker 2 The reason I brought up the thing is because I wanted to do a full circle.

Speaker 2 And this is important to say because I was a little annoyed and I was upset on your behalf and upset on my behalf because I was like, oh, it's going to be a problem for me.

Speaker 2 So, Kristen is hosting the SAG Awards.

Speaker 3 Oh my God, really?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 And she hosted them in 2018. And that's when I was her producing partner and creative partner.
And so I wrote her monologue and I did all that stuff for her then.

Speaker 2 And so she asked me to do that this time. So I went back to look at that original monologue.
I kid you not, there is a joke that is about Mark Marin.

Speaker 1 That Monica wrote.

Speaker 2 That I wrote.

Speaker 3 We didn't have our show yet. That is literally

Speaker 1 the exact

Speaker 1 same

Speaker 1 joke.

Speaker 2 I loved that show. My jaw dropped.

Speaker 3 I had no memory of writing that joke.

Speaker 2 And also, I was like, this joke is fine. So that joke has to be funny.

Speaker 3 Oh, that makes me feel so good.

Speaker 2 It doesn't mean anything. And by the way,

Speaker 1 he killed his close-up. Kristen showed it to me.
She's like, I mean, look at this. We did the same thing.

Speaker 3 It's so funny.

Speaker 1 That makes me so happy.

Speaker 3 I was like, I wrote this exact same joke.

Speaker 3 I think that's, it's so nice to hear that because I think think that happens all the time where people get mad about something and you've just done it before and no one will ever admit that they've done it before but even when i get mad everyone's such a hypocrite not that you were no i was but unintentionally

Speaker 1 i hope that got to you in our debrief as well which is As I was listening to the monologue, panic that I was going to get made fun of, I was doing a personal inventory and I was going, you have done this many times.

Speaker 1 I have been on Conan making fun of the cast of the expendables because I had a movie coming out against them and they're easy targets and I can do all their accents. Maybe Sly was at home bombed.

Speaker 1 It's hard for me to imagine that, but maybe, because again, in that situation, I'm insignificant and I'm almost speaking in a vacuum. These people won't really hear me.

Speaker 1 And I was on punked where we put celebrities in very rough situations and hopefully they acted poorly. And at no point did I act like I was above that.

Speaker 1 What I more was starting to feel was a kind of compassion for both of us.

Speaker 3 That's really nice.

Speaker 1 I want to get invited to the party. And the way I got invited to the party was like yeah you can come to the party if you should

Speaker 1 want funk and i was like okay i'll do it and you get to the party and the people you shit on are there for years i'm bumping into timber like and he hates my guts and i'm like don't you understand buddy i was like dead broke and that was my only chance oh my god so he replaces you from that we've had him on and we talked it all through but yeah i would see him for years and it was like yeah that guy doesn't like me and for good reason

Speaker 1 you forget these people have feelings and at roast i feel like everything's on the table because they've signed up for it we should make a distinction because i heard you talking about it this morning yeah and it's great You're like, Tom Brady's getting $25 million.

Speaker 1 He has consented. Yes.
Everyone that said yes to the Diaz, they, am I saying it right? Diaz?

Speaker 3 The Deus, yeah. Everyone who says yes to Cameron Deas.

Speaker 1 Everyone says that.

Speaker 1 And you go, yes, that's right. Deus.

Speaker 3 I just want to give you what you want.

Speaker 1 Right back at you. Ultimately, it's going to track throughout this episode.
We have the same approach. There is consent.

Speaker 1 I have been invited to so many of those roasts and I'm like, I just don't have thick enough skin. I'll just tell you, I can't handle it.

Speaker 3 Thank God. I don't even think about what's going to be said about me when I say yes to the roast.
I put it out of my head. I did the Tom Brady one because it was like, Tom Brady, I got to do it.

Speaker 3 But the next roast that they threw at me, I was going to say no to because I was like, I'm too old now. When I was 35, getting called old, it didn't hurt.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I don't feel it.

Speaker 3 Not really. But at 40, I kind of feel it and I'm starting to see it.
I don't want anyone pointing out something about my face that I have to then go talk to someone about

Speaker 3 in an office and have them draw on me and stare into my eyes and fix it which I've done and I continue to do I just don't want people to pay too close of attention but then the Tom Brady roast you go oh good I'm not the most famous person here so there won't be that many jokes about me and that's how it ended up but the next one I feel like I'm a little bit more famous

Speaker 3 yeah bigger target next time so it's gonna have to be someone really really good for me to do it again it hurts a lot I'm one of the only people who didn't watch the Tom Brady roast because I can't even enjoy watching it.

Speaker 1 I just think of myself hearing that. I'm very sensitive.

Speaker 3 I don't read any comments about myself. I've been sober from comments, which I think should be a thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 I don't think the general public has too many trolls in their comments.

Speaker 1 But if you're a celebrity, you probably know your troll. If you're a civilian, you probably work with that.

Speaker 3 You should have blocked your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend ages ago. That's just a simple block.
But I can post things now and not go back, how many likes does it have?

Speaker 3 Because I just go, it's none of your business anymore. And you don't get to read anything because I can't handle it.
It will destroy me.

Speaker 1 You almost need to be insecure to be funny in this way. The jock at my school never had a good burn on anybody.

Speaker 1 And the prom queened in it, not only did he not need it, he honestly couldn't empathize enough. He couldn't see other insecurities because he didn't have any.

Speaker 1 You have to have them to be able to spot them in other people.

Speaker 3 Yes, that's so it. When I write Rose, I'm like, what would I want not said about me? And how do I say that about someone else? Yes.

Speaker 3 Like, how do I find the thing about this person that they look in the mirror and hate about themselves? It's a horrible way to think, but I'm able to go there because I go there for myself.

Speaker 1 Yes. And you you can smell it and your brain is really well tuned to it because you're constantly evaluating yourself.

Speaker 1 And even we had Vince Vaughan on, he was saying at a certain age, he realized he had to stop burning people because it was the kind of burns that would ruin them for two years.

Speaker 1 It's like, well, yeah, you know, he just could see it because he had them.

Speaker 3 I don't burn people unless I'm hired to do it. Even the Golden Globes wasn't a burn fest because those people weren't signing up for a roast.
So it was very gentle.

Speaker 3 I think the worst thing I said was to Benny Blanco, but I got his permission.

Speaker 3 I got, I wrote to Eric Andre, who I heard knows him, and he put us on a text chat together. I sent him a voice memo of the joke and he said, I'm cool with it.
Let me run it by Selena.

Speaker 3 And so I got permission, but I would never have done that joke.

Speaker 3 I said, you know, Selena Gomez is here with Benny Blanco, her new fiancé, and Benny Blanco is here because of the genie who granted him that wish. That was the mean one.

Speaker 1 That was probably the only one.

Speaker 1 I thought you got permission.

Speaker 2 I did not know that.

Speaker 3 I would have done that on a roast if he was on the dais. He's just sitting there.
He can't. heckle me back.
He knows the rules.

Speaker 3 Kimmel actually gave me advice saying like, hey, reach out to people if you have a joke that you're a little bit worried about. Because I just wouldn't have done it otherwise.

Speaker 3 There's no way I would have risked making him feel uncomfortable. And even when I told him the joke, you kind of feel like, oh.
But I presented it like, by the way, I think you're awesome.

Speaker 3 I think you're hot. I'm talking about a thing that I think you are aware of that I think you've even partaken in.
I've heard him in podcasts talk about him with Celine.

Speaker 3 I think Santino went hard on him once. And so I think he was already aware.

Speaker 3 So I was a little bit nervous to even tell him it, but if I would have not liked him and really felt that way, I don't think I would have been able to say it.

Speaker 3 I think she scored with him, to be honest with you. I felt like it was a mutual thing.
So it came from a good place, but people show up in my shows wanting to be roasted.

Speaker 3 I don't really like roasting people. On the fly, it doesn't just come out of me.
I don't just come at people without a reason to do it, but I think that's not just because I don't want to hurt them.

Speaker 3 That's obviously a part of it, but I just don't want them to retaliate. I was quiet in high school.

Speaker 1 You don't want to get stabbed. Don't start a knife fight.
Well, you were picky Nikki in sixth grade.

Speaker 3 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Nikki was picking her nose in the sixth grade.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and I got busted. Like a girl saw me and was like, why don't you stop picking your nose? You know, where you could tell it was bothering her and then she's like, She

Speaker 3 screams it. And so, there were a lot of moments like that in school where I would be quietly doing something disgusting, and then it would just annoy someone enough.

Speaker 3 Like, I was taking pencils from this kid. I never had my school supplies, not because my parents didn't provide it, but because I was just ADD.

Speaker 3 So, I was always borrowing pencils and paper from my friend Ray. He would always give it to me every single day.
He never didn't. And it was almost like I was annoying him.
So, one day I just took it.

Speaker 3 And I remember he saw me because I was like, You're gonna give it to me. And he was like, Why don't you get your own pencil, you bucktooth beaver? Go in the woods woods and gnaw down a tree.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 And I had really messed up. My teeth were going out hard.
And the whole class heard. Even my teacher laughed.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, your teacher. She validated Hugo.

Speaker 3 I was like, but I still need lead.

Speaker 3 I found some kind of inaccuracy in the joke. I was like, it's a false premise because pencils are more than just wood.

Speaker 3 Anyway, and then I just learned, just be invisible because people will call out why you're ugly. And so I was quiet.

Speaker 3 This was fifth grade and seventh grade and then by the time i got to high school i was invisible because i just didn't want the boys making a joke about me what were your other things it was teeth that it continues i still see weird things with them you have perfect teeth are they veneers man no but i do a thing please everyone listening don't get veneers my friends who have done it regret it if there is an apocalypse or something your teeth will fall out and you will have nubs and you have no one to shark teeth the nubs are disturbing they fall out a lot of people doing it and getting approved to do it way too soon they're not trained to be able to do it you know monica was on the painful surge of getting them and it was like our biggest battle so like monico your teeth

Speaker 3 dude monica if you want to fix anything with your teeth the thing to do is you get what's it called composite gonding because i had like a chip on this tooth and i was like can you just fix that they filled it in with a tooth colored thing and i was like well this tooth is kind of too far back can you just put tooth on top of it and he's like yeah and i was like did i just make something up because i was gonna have that tooth removed and a new one in but i just put tooth on top of it to make it even with the front one i wonder if they could build out this leaner Build it up.

Speaker 1 Just put composite on.

Speaker 3 It falls off every month or so, but you get to put that. It's like an $80 copay.
It's way cheaper than veneers.

Speaker 1 Everything is.

Speaker 3 It's a little bonding, but it falls out.

Speaker 1 My dentist is currently trying to talk me into doing some fix-ups on the bottom here. And then he put the temporary one on there and he showed me the mirror.
I was like, oh, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't care about the bottom.

Speaker 1 So teeth, an issue for sure. Having a tall forehead.

Speaker 3 One time a guy that liked me and I didn't like him back was just like, I just noticed your forehead goes on for a really long time. And so that stuck with me.

Speaker 3 And then I started seeing it, didn't notice it before. Also, hair falling out.
I was anorexic when I was 18. So a lot of it fell out then.

Speaker 3 And then since then, if a hair just gets caught on something and pulls out like in a clip, I feel it all day long.

Speaker 3 It's an OCD thing where I'll like feel the little spot and I look at the hair and I'm like, you weren't ready. I go like, this hair's been with me through so much.

Speaker 3 Like this was when I did the roast, like all my career moments. And I just go like, I can't believe it's gone now.
And it's going to take so long to grow that all back.

Speaker 3 Everyone who does my hair knows if I go

Speaker 3 they're like, well, they just stop. I've gotten better about it because it's in irrational fear.
And I often have my friends send me like, how much hair do you pull out in the shower?

Speaker 3 Will you just send me a picture? I need verification. Because it only pops up, by the way, when I'm stressed out.

Speaker 1 It has nothing to do with the hair. You're looking at a haircut that is two days old that I gave to myself.
What? Really?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I cut my own hair, but it generally starts in periods of anxiety, which I've been having. So I started trimming, trimming, trimming.
You saw the progression.

Speaker 1 Anyone watching would see the progression. It's a total tick until finally Sunday I'm like, now we're shaving the sides.

Speaker 3 Well, you do my boyfriend's. That's a really good cut.

Speaker 1 I love that cut. I was literally...

Speaker 3 I should have said it. Damn it.
I was literally going to take a picture of you later to show because it's good.

Speaker 2 I'll send you a picture of my hair wall.

Speaker 3 I do a hair wall. If you were my friend, I would never ask to see your hair wall because I can't compare it because you're allowed to lose bunches and bunches of hair.

Speaker 2 I lose so much hair.

Speaker 3 Not to take anything from you. You can feel bad about losing hair too, but you don't deserve to.

Speaker 1 Okay, I won't hear from you guys. It's going to be hard to feel bad.

Speaker 1 i won't be sending you my hair wall that's a bitch to blow dry right the only time i ever blow dry it is if i'm getting it done you don't have to because it air dries glossy so much volume so good anyone that's been hired by herbal essence to be a mermaid in a commercial for your hair yes that's the stamp of approval i didn't mean to turn this into

Speaker 3 something that is just perfect

Speaker 2 okay speaking of insecurities it is the only thing i am

Speaker 3 secure about we're all allowed to have one one

Speaker 2 Yes. Okay.
I know you want me to say, I love my boobs.

Speaker 3 I hadn't noticed yet, but I was like, I think

Speaker 1 there's many pieces of artwork that say, I have perfect tits and great opinions. Yeah.
So when people are buying you those kinds of paintings, I think you could have a lot of things.

Speaker 2 So you would also want to say, Monica doesn't get naked very much, but one time I was with her and she was changing and she took her bra off and her boobs went up.

Speaker 1 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 3 Chris is so funny. She is.
Great tits over there. But you're not proud of those? I'm proud of them when I'm naked, but I don't love it in clothes.
Got it. I'll agree with you.

Speaker 3 When I have a bra that makes me look more stacked, I feel a little bit chunkier. Exactly.

Speaker 2 It like distorts your body.

Speaker 3 It does. Okay, I hear that.
And then just, you know, body. This week, it's my leg skin.
I like saw some pictures from my tour that were backstage. There's a crepeiness starting.

Speaker 1 What is crepey?

Speaker 3 Like an old circus tent that's been weathered. It's okay.
It has to happen. People can't lie to me and say it's not.
My girl's chat is like, it's not. I don't see it.

Speaker 3 And I go, look, and I give evidence.

Speaker 1 We would say in the automotive world, if the paint is kind of orange-peely, is that what we're talking about?

Speaker 3 Picture like a wasp's nest. Yeah.
You know, that's like kind of like a saggy texture.

Speaker 1 Droopy paper-mâché.

Speaker 3 Yes. That kind of crepeiness skin on the thigh.
And then the skin above the knees is starting to fold over. And there's like a deep line here that bothered me.
Sucks. I heard they do.

Speaker 3 But then I'm looking at my schedule. I go, when am I getting a brow lift? When am I getting my knees done?

Speaker 1 My knees done. I'm never going to get my knees done i hope we get submissions from

Speaker 1 this knee surgeons please the reason you were able to host the golden glows was you had cleared your schedule in january for a month to do some operative to do whatever dr diamond told me would make me look like i hadn't done anything yeah so you had already kind of scheduled this little buffer in january and then got the call i feel like that's very serendipitous it really was i would have canceled anything for it but it was nice that i didn't have to because i i never take a break my vacation would have been just healing with like straws in my face during you've seen the pictures of those flights home from turkey

Speaker 1 i want to fly there just to fly back with all those guys for anyone who's not seen it please google that's interesting too yeah 90 some percent of the passengers on these flights home from turkey the men are all bandaged up they've gotten hair transplants i guess it's affordable there and now they're all starting chin surgery too now i just rent yeah chin implants in turkey i don't know if they do it in turkey but that's the new male plastic surgery thing.

Speaker 3 Everyone's going to be doing it.

Speaker 3 Like, if you've seen some leading men starting to look a little bit more leading, that's probably what's happening because it's a subtle adjustment that makes your face look more masculine.

Speaker 3 And that's kind of what it's trending towards. There are nine-year-olds who are like mewing now to get that shawl line.

Speaker 3 It's sad when men start to have the same insecurities that we've all dealt with as women for so long, but they've always been there.

Speaker 1 We've always had them, but they're just evolving. For us, it was all like body and strength and sorts of nigger and lifting weights and trying to be big and strong.

Speaker 3 I'm still still dealing with it obviously and you guys don't get makeup yep you just have to be what you are so it makes sense why we're like why do they just get to be who they are because they don't really have a lot of options so they might as well accept themselves that's a great take I just came up with it that's really great

Speaker 1 yeah when you're a dude and you look in the mirror and you go that's that Yeah, like you have too many options. Yeah.
I was even watching this and I'm like, God, my nose has gotten so bulbous.

Speaker 1 I think most women would shade and it would not look bulbous. And I'm like, then I'm not going to do that.

Speaker 3 You can't. There would be options.
If you have a zit, you can't cover it.

Speaker 3 You just have to have a gaping wound and we get to stuff it with dirt clay and wonder why it keeps reinfecting and coming back.

Speaker 1 Stay tuned for more armchair experts.

Speaker 1 If you dare.

Speaker 1 We are supported by JCPenney.

Speaker 2 You know what's even better than getting compliments on your holiday outfit?

Speaker 1 Getting compliments on your holiday outfit that you got for way less than anyone would guess.

Speaker 2 Ding, ding, ding. exactly.
I just hit up JCPenney for some holiday party looks, and let me tell you, the quality and style are great.

Speaker 2 I got this really gorgeous velvet blazer that everyone thinks was designer, but it's not, but it really looks luxe.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But you're sitting there like, oh, this JCPenney.

Speaker 2 It is really fun to see the look on people's faces when you tell them. And it's not just clothes.
Their home stuff is perfect for hosting.

Speaker 1 Plus, they've got gifts for everyone on your list that look so much more expensive than they actually are.

Speaker 2 Because when it comes to holiday gifts, it's what they think you spent that counts.

Speaker 1 Shop jcpenny.com. Yes, JCPenny.

Speaker 1 We are supported by Nordic Naturals, the number one selling fish oil brand in the U.S. Something I take every evening before bed.

Speaker 1 So I saw this article the other day about nutrition, and there's this stat that completely caught me off guard.

Speaker 1 Apparently, 80% of Americans don't get enough omega-3s from their diet, but it turns out omega-3 fatty acids, EPA, and DHA are critical for cellular health.

Speaker 1 We're talking about stuff that affects your heart, brain, immune system, eyes, mood, basically everything that matters for feeling good day to day.

Speaker 1 Nordic Naturals is the number one selling omega-3 brand in the U.S. with products formulated to support your whole family, including kids and pets.

Speaker 1 Their ultimate omega provides concentrated omega-3 support without any fishy aftertaste. Comes in soft gels, liquid, even zero sugar gummies.
I love them. I eat them every night.
night.

Speaker 1 My numbers have been great, which is so comforting. Use promo code DAX for 15% off your next order at Nordic.com and discover the power of Omega-3 for yourself.

Speaker 1 These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

Speaker 1 We are supported by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet. Like everyone, home internet is our life, and there's nothing worse than when it slows down.

Speaker 2 Oh, I know, especially when you're doing something important like editing this show.

Speaker 1 Well, actually, there's one worse thing: waiting around all day for the cable guy to show up to install it.

Speaker 2 I want those five hours back.

Speaker 1 Fortunately, T-Mobile's got home internet. They have fast speeds, and it sets up easily in 15 minutes with just one cord.

Speaker 2 Anyone can do it, even me.

Speaker 1 Hey, we were first in on T-Mobile's home internet. We were using it up in the attic.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 If you recall. It powers this very show.

Speaker 1 Yes, it's so reliable. And when you've got a podcast full of valuable insights about human nature and poop jokes, you need that.

Speaker 2 We all need that.

Speaker 1 Oh, and the low price is guaranteed for five years.

Speaker 2 Five years? Gotta respect a LTR.

Speaker 1 Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G internet data. Exclusions like taxes and fees apply.
Service delivered via 5G network. Speeds vary due to factor affecting cellular networks.

Speaker 1 Check availability and guarantee exclusions and details at t-mobile.com slash home internet.

Speaker 1 We are supported by Allstate. You know what's smart? Checking All State First for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance.
You know what's not smart?

Speaker 1 Not checking your phone's volume before blasting your morning pump-up playlist in the office break room. Or not checking that your laptop camera's off before joining the meeting in your robe.

Speaker 1 Or something I'm a little too familiar with, not checking your grocery list before heading to the store and realizing you bought everything except what you needed. Yeah, checking first is smart.

Speaker 1 So check all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate.
Potential savings vary subject to terms, condition, and availability.

Speaker 1 Allstate North American Insurance Co. and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

Speaker 3 That sucks for men with acne that they don't have makeup. Even though we look like it's like a little anthill.
Yeah, you can still see it.

Speaker 1 But it's preferable.

Speaker 3 I used to pick up my skin because when I was malnourished and had anxiety, it was just open sores around my face. I used to be be bulimic too.
That's why I quit throwing up.

Speaker 3 Like, thank God it was a vanity thing because I was sick of cleaning toilets and I was also sick of having mouth acne that I would pick at. I would be nervous backstage before going on, pick at it.

Speaker 3 I could feel it bleeding because I'd do the check and I'm like, oh my God, there's blood. I'm walking it with blood.

Speaker 3 Then I'd put something on it to like cake it up and I'm like, okay, I hope it stays.

Speaker 1 And then you walk out and you're like, good evening, Milwaukee.

Speaker 3 And you smile in a way.

Speaker 1 It's like crack. And it just starts running down your face.

Speaker 3 It would happen so often. Thank God acne is behind me in my life.
That was a huge struggle for a really long time.

Speaker 3 And seeing my sister never have to deal with how much younger is she she's 18 months younger but perfect silky thick hair never had to get braces born with straight teeth veneer teeth never had acne yeah but does she have a good personality she does no like she doesn't even know she's hot like she could have been a model actress all these things and she's just like yeah she's pretty amazing i don't know if she's content that's good she's like a mom of three just making it work she's a teacher she was a teacher she actually stopped teaching and now she's outbreaking okay that was tough she taught for 10 years spanish in our old high school and she was great at it but it was just too hard she has insecurities just like everyone else but i had a rough time growing up with that was she outgoing she was much more popular than i was the boys in my grade liked her and had crushes on her she'd be the type of girl that i'd have all my girlfriends over and my sister would come in and talk to us and then my sister would leave and they'd all go oh she's so pretty

Speaker 3 a reaction that i would never get just that kind of thing of like wow that's what i want just strangers telling my mom that this child should model and then i'm just standing there Rude things.

Speaker 3 And I was just sensitive. So I picked up on it like, that's your value and I don't have it.
And so just really resenting that I was born not as pretty as I could have been.

Speaker 3 My parents' DNA made that lighting fuck up this way. I used yell at my mom and be like, you knew there was ugly in your family tree and you risked it with me.
And she's like, you shut up.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 She would be so mad at me, but I used to get really venomous about how mad I was. And people saying, you look nothing like your sister.
Like that over and over.

Speaker 3 Always getting told I look like my dad, which no matter how hot your dad is yeah you don't want to hear you never want to hear you look like your dad i see it now and i'm like okay i'll take it because he is a gangly guy and you saying your hair is the thing my legs i used to be really insecure about because they're more muscular and my sisters were just model thin but now i love my legs i get a lot of compliments on it and people are like what do you do for them and i'm like it's just my dad's legs like i just got lucky and it made me realize that so much of what i resent women for having is just same as my legs of like I didn't do anything for them.

Speaker 3 I just was born with this and I just got lucky in this one. I have a dad bod for half my body.

Speaker 3 It gave me some perspective of when I attribute perfection onto people. I shouldn't hate that girl for being hot.
She didn't mean to be.

Speaker 1 She didn't mean to be

Speaker 1 none of us chose any of it. We just got it.

Speaker 1 I went to the store and picked it up.

Speaker 3 And that's what I like to remember when I'm feeling ugly is like, Nikki, okay, so there's a lot of action going on when you wiggle your arm. The other day I looked at my arm in the mirror.

Speaker 3 I just saw a straight on and it looked like a scrotum hanging. A ball sec.
And my friends are like, no, it doesn't. And I sent them a picture and they were all quiet afterwards.

Speaker 3 Like they couldn't say no. It does.
And that's okay. But I was like, if I could snap my fingers and not have that, I would.
Clearly, I'm not choosing this. It's not my fault.

Speaker 3 Why do I have to feel like I failed in some way or I'm a bad person? I didn't choose this. I wouldn't want this.

Speaker 3 Yes, there's probably exercises I could do to make it go away, but I don't have time for them. That doesn't make me a bad person.
I just get wrapped up in all the things I should be doing.

Speaker 3 You can afford a facelift. Why aren't you getting one? You could afford this laser treatment.
Why aren't you doing it?

Speaker 3 Even the more money you make and the more opportunities you have to have avenues to look hotter, if you don't do them, you feel like you're failing in some way. And I hate that feeling.

Speaker 1 It's wholly unfair, which is I think I had all the same feelings you did growing up, but I had the freedom as a dude to go, yeah, that's not going to be your thing.

Speaker 1 And girls, thank God, did date guys largely because of how confident they presented and how funny they were. And so that is the great injustice.
I was able to transcend it in some way.

Speaker 1 Not that I ever fell in love with how I looked. I just was like, oh, we're not going to think about this anymore.
And we're going to just do this other thing. And that's going to work.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 1 That's a gift of being a dude. Decreasingly so, I think.

Speaker 2 Yeah, decreasingly so. Yes.

Speaker 1 Thank God it's evolving. But in the 80s,

Speaker 1 I could kind of make that proclamation.

Speaker 2 Men and boys did the choosing back then. That's why I think it's changing because now girls, women, all of us, ladies, we are, you know, more educated, like more educated.

Speaker 1 We can do more things

Speaker 3 than sex objects.

Speaker 2 Exactly. And so I don't have to just say yes to your proposal.

Speaker 3 And it used to just be like, oh, this guy is asking me out.

Speaker 2 I guess I have to say yes. You're waiting to be asked.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's a really good point.

Speaker 1 There's a ton of stuff going on. There's like evolutionary stuff.
There's how the society has run for the previous 300 years.

Speaker 1 A guy that was confident and had a good personality was going to probably achieve high status because he would be able to do that through work.

Speaker 1 If he was super smart, so he would be able to climb the status rung. Whereas for women, the status rung wasn't fully available for anything other than being gorgeous.

Speaker 3 Who could make the most babies for the village? Who could watch the pot boil? Who could take care of the kids?

Speaker 3 It all leads itself to do they have the hip to waist ratio that suggests they can carry more children? You want to get mad and think it's so vapid for men to assess us that way.

Speaker 3 And yeah, I appreciate you saying it's because I was a man and I was able to shift like that. I never arrived.

Speaker 3 I was like, I just have to keep pursuing being hot or talented in some way, which I wasn't talented.

Speaker 3 That was the other thing I didn't find because I wasn't able to get big and loud and funny because I didn't want people to go, well, you're also ugly. That wasn't an option to be big.

Speaker 3 So I just waited till I found a talent and I didn't have one until I started standing up comedy. Literally tried everything.
And that was really frustrating.

Speaker 1 Do you think you were just biochemically anxious? What led to, do you think the annex? It sounds like you had pretty good parents.

Speaker 3 I have the greatest parents imaginable. I think it's, I had a mom that just never liked the way she looked and was never pretty, never thin enough.
But I was really tuned in with celebrity culture.

Speaker 3 So all that stuff got in. I wanted to be famous.

Speaker 3 So it's like, I need to look like Pariselton Jennifer Anniston yeah I want to go there and you have to look a certain way to go yeah there's no option but is it because you wanted to be famous so that if you were that's the world telling you you are hot not even hot very uncomfortable when someone's like lusting for me I want the approval that comes with it outside of someone actually putting anything in me.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Attractive.
I just want people to be like, I want to be her. I guess that's what I wanted.
Oh, that's so embarrassing to me.

Speaker 3 I used to want that. My parents, we love watching TV.
I wanted to be on TV. I wanted to be seen by them in that way and be like, wow, that's extraordinary.
I'm an Enneagram 3.

Speaker 3 So my worth is determined by if I am extraordinary. I do things that people go, holy shit, how could she do that? I was always like looking for that in terms of looks.

Speaker 3 I felt like that was the only way to achieve that. I was a fine actress, but just didn't get.
cast and things in high school and was like, that's the only way to be on TV is to act.

Speaker 3 And so auditioned for theater school, didn't get into any and was like, what am I going to fucking do? I've said this before.

Speaker 3 I was like, I'm just going to have to kill myself someday because that is a failed life.

Speaker 3 If my only dream in life is to to be on TV and be a personality, like a performer, and I don't do it and I just have to watch people do it forever, I'll eventually have to kill myself. And that sucks.

Speaker 3 Oh, I have to do that someday. It was kind of like a thing I have to do someday.
Like,

Speaker 3 oh, it's not now, but soon. Is Boulder?

Speaker 1 You did it when you were 18 for the first time. Yeah.
And you were only a boulder for what, a year?

Speaker 3 Yeah, a year. The first thing I was really good at was not eating.
That was the first thing that I was like, whoa.

Speaker 3 Talk about getting confidence from something because this just came to me a couple months ago when I was trying to like think about what led me to do that and why did I stick with it and why did I get such a rush from it?

Speaker 3 Because when you're coming up in diet culture in the 90s and early 2000s, being able to not eat is maybe the best superpower imaginable for a woman.

Speaker 3 Every person around me is trying not to eat the brownie, not having dressing on the salad, and I have no problem doing that. I get high from it.

Speaker 3 I struggled with my weight earlier on and was trying diets. I was never fat, but needed to drop probably 10 or 15 pounds.

Speaker 3 I worked at a pizzeria and just ate too much and stopped playing field hockey and stuff. So I got a little bigger and people were starting to notice.
So I tried tried stuff to lose weight.

Speaker 3 It was hard. I remember being like, I wish I could get anorexia.
It's the same joke that most women make. And then it happened because I got nervous about a boy who liked me.

Speaker 3 I had been really scared of boys and sex. And I hadn't kissed a boy.
It was my senior year of high school. I think I'd kissed one boy and it was a truth or dare thing.
So it didn't count.

Speaker 3 It was a guy I really liked for so long.

Speaker 3 I won a date with him because I rigged a singled out type contest at our school where I had my friends tell me who to pick because I wanted to pick this guy, Mike.

Speaker 3 And so I had them kind of do a signal to me of like who to eliminate. So I got a date with him.
And then he seemed to want to go on this date that I won for this charity school thing.

Speaker 3 We had like a date planned and I was so nervous about it, I just couldn't eat that day. And that shows up quickly on me in my face.

Speaker 3 And someone said something the next day that was like, you look great. And it was a girl whose opinion about me meant so much.
And I was still nervous. And so I just kept going as long as I could.

Speaker 3 And then it was just, let's just never eat again. I was just too young to understand this isn't going to work forever.

Speaker 1 So this is a fun kind of overlap with Monty. Monty had this very specific event in our life.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Dairy Queen.
I was in sixth grade and a boy said he couldn't date me. He liked me, it seemed, but he couldn't date me because my parents worked at Dairy Queen.

Speaker 2 They didn't work at Dairy Queen, but a lot of Indian people worked at Dairy Queen. So he couldn't date me because I was Indian.
So then that was obviously the moment where I was like, oh, so

Speaker 3 no one can date me.

Speaker 2 That's a fundamental thing about me.

Speaker 3 That's a no for people. He represents everyone.
Everyone. Because why wouldn't he?

Speaker 1 You're in sixth grade. Because you like him.

Speaker 3 And I liked him. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, so it's like the people I like don't like this about me.

Speaker 2 So this was going to be a fun life.

Speaker 3 His parents worked at Culver's. Was it a Papua Montague's thing?

Speaker 1 Like I worked at a Foster's. It was a competition.

Speaker 2 Yes, it was like a white castle.

Speaker 3 Did you even say like, but they don't. Did you protest it at first or did you know what it meant?

Speaker 2 He didn't say it to my face. He said it to a friend.
A friend was like, why don't you ask Monica out? Oh, this is important. He said, I would, but.

Speaker 2 So it's not like, I just don't like her. It's like, I would, but I can't because she's Indian, basically.

Speaker 2 And not because she's Indian, like, I don't like the culture.

Speaker 3 That would make me feel different, probably.

Speaker 2 You know, that's the subtext. Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Is that stay with you to this day?

Speaker 2 I am fucked up for life from that one thing.

Speaker 1 Her thing, to paraphrase it, was.

Speaker 1 Any boy she'd like wouldn't like her because she was Indian. So she shifted

Speaker 1 being in love with people she knew that that issue would never present itself. So it was Matt Damon and Men Affleck.

Speaker 3 Oh, you never have a chance with them. Yeah.
Exactly. It's like they're so unavailable.
So they can't reject me. Yes.

Speaker 2 I'm picking the quarterback of the football team when I'm a sophomore. You never even have an interaction.

Speaker 3 Just unavailable men. You can never get rejected by them.
Yeah. Does this go on for you now?

Speaker 2 Now, really, I'm just like, if it falls into my lap, that's great. I do so little pursuing of dating, but still, it's because rejection is still

Speaker 3 so horrific for me it's not worth it i understand being that guarded because it can destroy you for decades without it i'm good i'm thriving am i i don't know yeah obviously people have asked you out through this when you're pursued do you feel like they're flawed in some way for liking you yeah they have bad taste yes i get it totally i need someone with good taste so we're in a bad side oh my god you're so wrong like you are such a prize my boyfriend i've been with him for like 13 years off and on and i'm not even joking you It was just this past May that I accepted that he has great taste and he likes me and I have to trust that Yeah, and he chose me I didn't trick him in any way and That I am really spectacular it only was this last May and that's why I liked him for so long too is because I thought I was winning him over He was better than me So it takes forever, but I think just one day you'll get it.

Speaker 3 I have no doubt in May we were breaking up But it was funny because I was doing it in public so it wouldn't get too heated.

Speaker 3 I just didn't want it to end in us yelling not that we're yelly people, but I felt like it could go that way.

Speaker 3 And I just didn't want it to go on too long, but then the restaurant closed and so we didn't have time to break up. And we were supposed to go to a concert right after this.

Speaker 3 So we'd still go to the concert because we're in this nebulous stage of it seems like it's ending. But at the dinner, when we're breaking up, I go, I'm bored.

Speaker 3 And he was like, okay, but you're one of the most boring people I've ever met. This was the week right after the roast, by the way, when I was one of the most Googled people on the earth.

Speaker 3 So it was kind of funny to me that he said that because I'm like, that's not my insecurity. I kind of laughed when he said it.
I know what he meant because I don't like doing things.

Speaker 3 I'm kind of like a homebody and I don't really like socializing too much. I don't like outdoor activities and sports.
And he likes all those things.

Speaker 3 And I'm always insecure about not liking that stuff because my mom's like that. And my dad is a really big go-getter.

Speaker 3 And my dad always punished my mom for that unintentionally, but made her feel bad about, you just like to sit on the couch and watch TV and nap. And why don't you ever like to do anything?

Speaker 3 And I always was like, I don't want to be like that, but I am like that. But Chris said to me, you're one of those boring people alive.

Speaker 3 By the way, if you're bored, it's because you're boring, that old trope. And he said to me, even though you're boring, I accept that about you.
I'm never going to to throw that in your face.

Speaker 3 I'm never going to make you feel bad about not wanting to do things.

Speaker 3 And for whatever reason, I don't know if it relates exactly to realizing I'm lovable, but it does because I was like, I can't change the fact that I like to lay on the couch and watch TV and be on my phone.

Speaker 3 I've always felt guilty about that. And I always felt like he was going to, at some point, just get fed up.

Speaker 3 And he should be with a girl who likes hiking and likes jet skiing and likes to go meet people and talk to the waiter about how their weekend was. He deserves that.
And I used to say that to him.

Speaker 3 He's like, stop saying that. And he's like, I don't want that.
And I just trusted him for the first time.

Speaker 3 Like, he's not gonna use it against me like my dad has with my mom well what's really sad is it's all self-fulfilling prophecies you're almost forcing him to leave you i was because he loves me unconditionally and i just felt like there were some conditions that i was holding back that once he finds this thing out they were yours though which is crazy and i've since let him know those conditions and he's just like yeah i know you smoke weed sometimes and hide it from me like you're not tricking anyone like and by the way i know i told you i quit smoking weed but like i do and he's like you're not hiding it well i've noticed i just figure it's your thing i don't need to be involved.

Speaker 3 It doesn't seem to be ruining your life. The whole time I'm thinking, I can't believe I'm hiding this thing from him.
I feel so bad. We still don't talk about it.

Speaker 3 That's the thing I'm trying to figure out a way to work on stage because pot smoking for me is like this thing I can't quite let go of in my life that I come back to and I feel, oh, it's not great for my life, but it's not too bad.

Speaker 3 So I have a lot of guilt about it. And I don't tell him when I do it.
And sometimes I'm around him and I'm a little high and he doesn't seem to notice. And maybe he does, but he doesn't confront me.

Speaker 3 Maybe he doesn't care. Yeah, maybe not.
He used to in the past, I think. And that's why I have it in my head because he's broken up with me over it before.

Speaker 3 Cause I was like, I want to be someone who gets high before a Fleetwood Mac concert. And he's like, when are we going to Fleetwood Mac? I'm like, I don't know for like a Wilco show.

Speaker 3 I just want to be able to like smoke a joint that someone passes me. He's like, I don't know this person.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Because it wasn't who I am. I was just trying to push him away.
But anyway, I was thinking about it.

Speaker 3 I'm like, am I allowed to do this thing that I don't need to tell him I'm doing every time, even though I feel guilty about it? Well, I don't tell him every time I shit.

Speaker 3 As far as he does, I don't shit. I close the door every time.
We don't talk about any of my issues in that area. Maybe it's that, but I'm rationalizing it.
This may be helpful.

Speaker 1 We had this incredible sex therapist on Alexander Catahawkis. She was incredible.

Speaker 1 And my question was: Should people who have been sexually abused who now desire, for lack of a better word, some kind of kinky sex, should they feel guilty? It's not their fault.

Speaker 1 And if that's what they enjoy, and she goes, no, it's totally fine. And there are a lot of sexual abuse survivors who will be in like sub-dom relationships.

Speaker 1 And it's very crystal clear: if you have shame and secrecy around it, it's a problem. And if you don't, it's not a problem.

Speaker 1 So I would argue all you've got to do is be honest about it and there will be no issue.

Speaker 3 What if I'm honest on a podcast he doesn't listen to? That, but he could listen to.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he and my wife could bump into each other and have no idea this conversation took place. Exactly.

Speaker 3 All the places I talk about it openly, he doesn't listen, but he could. Like it's there.
We've talked about it in therapy and I've cried about it because he doesn't want to know.

Speaker 2 Why is it bad?

Speaker 3 He's never had any drug in his life. He's never never drank.
He's never done anything. It's not even a Christian thing.
It's a control thing.

Speaker 3 He notices friends being drunk and he's like, I don't want to look like that. And so he just never did.
And I think it's a little bit of the dare program.

Speaker 3 There's a reefer madness type of like, you're a loser a little bit. He doesn't want a girlfriend hitting a bong.
It's dirty.

Speaker 1 But there has to also be a little bit of the fact that you had a problem drinking.

Speaker 3 And that is what he would say. Nikki, why don't you say that part to them?

Speaker 1 Right. Which, of course, I'm going to be deeply interested in because I don't drink either.
Do you have a weed issue? Have you at all? Have I? Yeah. Leading up to a big relapse.
Right.

Speaker 1 It was a tricky one, and I can relate to everything you're saying because alcohol is cut and dry for me. It's black and white.
I have a drink on Thursday night. You will see me Sunday.

Speaker 1 And I'll have gotten Coke. And all these things will happen.
Very predictable. There was some period where a gummy, I don't know, I go to sleep.
I sleep better. There's no wreckage.

Speaker 1 There's no out of control in this. I don't crave it like the other stuff I crave.
And then having been clean and sober for 16 years and going, and I also don't like that I would need anything. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right. So I know the racket.

Speaker 3 What's that? You need that? Nicotine.

Speaker 1 But I am at total peace with this. There's no secrecy.

Speaker 3 I love that you're holding it out because I can be friends with people for years and I'll see you do what I go, when did that start? Years. They can hide it so well.

Speaker 3 So there's a shame around this stuff.

Speaker 1 If I'm hiding, there's something to be looked at. If I can't do it out in public, then that's kind of my clue.
I need to get comfortable with one or the other. Not do it, or I got to just own it.

Speaker 1 And then people around me, I guess I'll trust to tell me.

Speaker 1 I just can't have the zone where it's like, I have a secret because then you can't even evaluate the thing because actually you're evaluating your feeling of having a secret, not even your feeling of using weed.

Speaker 3 The way that I was able to stop smoking as much weed once was to, when I did it, you know, I was smoking from like pipes during COVID. It's dirty and it felt bad.
These are like crack pipes.

Speaker 1 They're the same.

Speaker 3 I one time went out before a set on Hollywood Boulevard to smoke a little pipe and I turn around and a homeless man. We have the same pipe.

Speaker 1 It's the same green color.

Speaker 3 Like we're both blocking the wind. Hoping no one sees you.
Yeah, it was a real eye-opener. And I kept doing it for months months after that.
But if I just go, I need this.

Speaker 3 You know, it's bad, but you're not a bad person and you're doing your best.

Speaker 1 I don't think you can even evaluate what the weed is until you detach the secret from it. The pit of disapproval and angst is more about the secret.

Speaker 3 You're right, because when I'm honest about what weed does for me, it's the one thing I still have guilt over in terms of all my addictive behaviors. I was like, what does it give me?

Speaker 3 To be honest, it just gives me instant relief from depression, from suicidal thoughts. And it medicinally offers that to me in a short term.

Speaker 3 It can sometimes backfire and I say a dumb thing or I wouldn't do it before something like this. And I have in the past.

Speaker 1 I think it's a harder one to evaluate for people because it doesn't have the kind of wreckage that other stuff does.

Speaker 1 You get DUIs, you fucking smack your friend, you fall down in an elevator and pee your pants. None of that stuff happens.

Speaker 3 That's the tricky part of it. It picks me up out of a depressive state like almost nothing else I've ever found can.
Alcohol used to, but it's so obviously sloppy. But weed, I can function.

Speaker 3 No one calls me out for it. People don't really notice.
I can see it, and I'm sure people do notice. It affects me being smart and funny, but then sometimes it makes me smarter and funnier.

Speaker 1 What if you're the third?

Speaker 1 The smartest and funniest and not the

Speaker 1 second or first. Oh, I'm way down away.
Well, no.

Speaker 3 No, see, that's an unacceptable, but it's.

Speaker 1 You're Taylor Swift of comedy.

Speaker 3 That's the only thing I've ever wanted to hear in my life. You all think you're right.

Speaker 1 Women love you. The amount of people have asked us to have you on.
The amount of people that had seen

Speaker 3 you'll die. I talk about you in that, by the way.
I know. And I hope you don't think that's an ugly joke because I want to be very clear about that.

Speaker 3 Because I say that I'm a Rangy Broad in terms of my looks. If I have enough makeup, I can look like Kristen Bell, but my boyfriend every day wakes up to Dak Shepard.

Speaker 3 That's a woman looking like a man joke, but you are a hot guy. So I felt like I could say that and not.

Speaker 1 But yes, of course I watched it because I am narcissistic enough to know if there's a joke that has me in it, I'm certainly going to find out, was it the thing I'm fearing?

Speaker 1 And I saw it and I didn't care at all. I took it as a dude joke.

Speaker 3 Yeah, okay, because as you were saying this stuff before, I'm like, oh my God, that other joke. But he interpreted it because it wouldn't even occur to me that you could, but I'm glad you did it.

Speaker 1 Yes, I watched it.

Speaker 1 I i thought it was a great special but i just want to say so many people had immediately taken to our comments that's when i had the sense oh nikki's really really huge there's some connective tissue with you and taylor in that you have worked your fucking ass off you decided i'm gonna be this thing whether you think i'm gonna be it or not Bad news, I'm stubborn and I'm going to be this thing.

Speaker 1 There's something very relatable and I think people can see themselves in you.

Speaker 1 I see how my oldest daughter, the gift Taylor Swift has given my family, when I watch the women in my life, the impact that she has on them, how she can make them feel in the confidence and the jubilee.

Speaker 1 It's such a crazy gift.

Speaker 3 It's awesome.

Speaker 1 And it's because in some way you could be her. I mean, you can't, but also you can.
Taylor had something to prove.

Speaker 3 Even showing up on the scene, coming out as a country artist and then making it into pop music and winning album of the year for fearless and then people saying like other people wrote that.

Speaker 3 And she's like, well, the next album I'm going to write all by myself and look how great it does.

Speaker 3 She definitely is inspired by people doubting her i wish someone would have told me earlier on whenever someone's like what would you tell your younger self any young people listening or any people with kids listening if your kid isn't good at something right away like a natural

Speaker 3 please know and you might not even know this because i don't think i would have known this as an adult had i not experienced it and i think we all hear this but we don't let it sink in the difference between great and good is just hard work someone can be great and some people are just naturals but mostly anyone can reach those levels if you just work hard enough you can catch up to anyone who in in high school is the quarterback.

Speaker 3 Just work hard enough and you can be Tom Brady. That was all work he put in.

Speaker 3 I just wish someone would have told me that because I always thought growing up, it was like, you either got it or you don't.

Speaker 3 I was just reading a book called The Anatomy of a Breakthrough because I just felt stuck. After the Golden Globes, I took a month off and was just like, how do I even write again?

Speaker 3 Like, I don't even know. It has really been helping me.
There's this one part about the guy that raced solo climbs.

Speaker 3 I haven't seen that movie because it just makes my legs feel weird even thinking about him. But reading about how when he approaches a climb, everyone's like, what if you don't do that one?

Speaker 3 He's like, I've done it so many times before with the ropes that there's no chance anything bad will happen. There's no room for error.

Speaker 3 And if the wind is off that day or that temperature or there's rain or I'm feeling weird, it won't happen. It's so practice that it can't go wrong.

Speaker 3 And I realized, oh my God, I totally free soloed the Globes and the Tom Brady roast, which I didn't even intend to.

Speaker 3 I was just like, oh, just do the set as many times as you can to try out which jokes are best. I said the globes monologue so many goddamn times that it was locked in.

Speaker 3 And people are like, are you nervous? And I was like, No, because it's like just one other time. It's just one other time.
There's no room for error. I don't like doing things that are room for error.

Speaker 3 That's why I don't like doing improv. That scares the shit out of me.
Crowd work is a struggle for me. I need to know it'll go the way I want it to.

Speaker 1 Sure. So I'm a control freak as well.
And I was very OCD as a kid, and lots of ticks, and I have a lot of control things, but

Speaker 1 I love these zones where I surrender to no control. It's so pleasurable because I'm fucking strangleholding so much of life.
My routine and my schedule is psychotic and sadistic.

Speaker 1 And so when I have these pockets, these things I can do where I actually surrender to it, it's bliss. Do you have anything in your life?

Speaker 3 I know that sexually I like baby girl style stuff. Oh, tell me what's baby girl.
You know, the movie baby girl where she likes to be talked to like a dog, trained, like good girl, that kind of stuff.

Speaker 1 Like kind of a submissive.

Speaker 3 Yes. Not that I'm a hypersexual person anymore.
Things are changing hormonally, but things that I've been into and things that I watch, it's the girl's out of control.

Speaker 3 She's not telling anyone what to do. She's being told what to do.
So I find it there. But I'm trying to see if any other, doesn't pot sort of do that?

Speaker 3 Oh my God, you're so right because sometimes just because I want to feel adrenaline, I'll smoke before I go on stage because I'm like, you got to try, bitch. Like you can't go on autopilot.

Speaker 3 You got to think about what you're doing. You're high.
Are you going to remember even what you're talking about right now to finish this sentence?

Speaker 1 You said you smoke pot to give yourself anxiety, which I found.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I like anxiety. I think you might too.

Speaker 1 Do you? I like being awake. Yes.
And that's why I like the chaos because it brings me to a level I can't reach normally.

Speaker 1 Improv, like you're saying, the element of failure is so present that a new zone of my brain wakes up. I get the extra dopamine and adrenaline and noreparin and all this stuff.

Speaker 1 I can access a part of myself, the survivor in me. And I love it.

Speaker 3 I love being like, oh my God, I don't know the end of this joke and I'm telling it right now. Is it going to come to me? Yes.
The craziest moment of my life, I don't even like to think about it.

Speaker 3 You know, you have those moments where it's like near-death moments you don't even like to think about when you almost walked in front of a train or something because you're like oh it was at the iHeart Awards or something and Usher was hosting and he pulled me up to dance, which was really awkward.

Speaker 1 It was hell.

Speaker 3 I got like last on Dancing with the Stars. Really deep in security of mine is that I can't dance.
And so I just don't like to be forced.

Speaker 3 And with Usher, like the best dancer in the world, and it was in front of Machine Gun Kelly. And I remember Megan Fox is sitting next to him.
And they're all kind of watching this awkward thing.

Speaker 3 And I brought as my date, my Dancing with the Stars partner, who had seen me fail already. And I'm dancing in front of him.

Speaker 3 I'm trying to get some kind of control back in this narrative of dancing and I'm just thrust into this. And Usher was singing a song right before it.
It was a Michael Jackson song.

Speaker 3 I just didn't know the words to. Everyone else seemed to and he put the mic in my face.

Speaker 3 Usher, if you would have given me one of your songs, I would have nailed it, but I don't know this obscure, it was to me

Speaker 1 a B-trap.

Speaker 3 So that already happened. This is not live on TV, but it's the whole audience.
It was at the Dolby or something. It's thousands of people.

Speaker 3 And it's kind of like after the show and Usher is just dancing. And so it had to do this awkward dance.
And then I was like, Usher, can I just have the mic?

Speaker 3 I just need to do one thing I'm good at, which is talking into a mic. So I was like, can I just say how embarrassing that just was? I got last on Dancing with the Stars.

Speaker 3 I did my Dancing with the Stars bit. I always say on Dancing with the Stars, I got first voted off.
And I say in front of my dance partner, Glubsevchenko, who is as hot as his name is disgusting.

Speaker 1 And I have my bits.

Speaker 3 I wasn't trying to make it about me. I was just trying to get a couple jokes in.
And I go, everyone in the audience, I want you to know what I'm feeling right now.

Speaker 3 The thing you're worst at in the world that has been determined on ABC that you are terrible at and you have to do it in front of usher and I go machine gun Kelly and and I forgot

Speaker 3 Megan Fox's name as I'm saying machine gun Kelly I'm going and it was probably to me 20 seconds of like what is her and at the last second it just Megan Fox but it was so close and I go what would have happened had I not remembered that's why I can't fucking just riff like I can't be trusted it's like your life flashes before your eyes of not remembering Megan Fox's fucking name.

Speaker 3 But thankfully, it came out.

Speaker 2 But one of those moments, you're always putting yourself in bad situations.

Speaker 1 Have you though?

Speaker 1 Even last night, yeah. How about this? I did a live show for a Formula One podcast I had.
It was a disaster. We have done many, many live shows, and they go great.
They're so fun.

Speaker 1 We did this one in Vegas, a bunch of drunk people. No one knew who the fuck we were.
It was terrible. And we had to do it a full hour.
That's what we were hired to do.

Speaker 1 And I, at least at this age, and having done enough stuff,

Speaker 1 about 10 minutes into it bombing, I go, oh, this is great. This is going to be so memorable for all of us.

Speaker 3 That's what I learned from the corporate gig I did in October that was the worst I've ever bombed in recent memory.

Speaker 2 Tell us that.

Speaker 3 It was more money than I've been offered for a gig ever. You know, can't turn it down kind of money.

Speaker 1 You said that it looks like a telephone number. It looked like a phone.

Speaker 1 And I was like, yeah.

Speaker 3 And I even think I said, this doesn't seem ideal because it was for a vague hedge fund. Not even a hedge fund.
It's like a group.

Speaker 3 It was like a conference for rich people to go and do fireside chats and just different activities to learn how to destroy the earth and profit from it.

Speaker 3 And it was just a bunch of media moguls, but I didn't read the fine print. I was just like, yeah.
And then it shows up way sooner than I thought. It was like, oh, well, that's in October.

Speaker 3 I think I said yes to it in August. That seems forever.
And then it was like the day before. I hadn't done anything for it.
I had shows all weekend.

Speaker 3 I just was like, I'll just write some jokes right before it. So I was underprepared for sure.

Speaker 3 And then I'm trying to memorize all the jokes that I'm writing before. And because I saw it going bad because they sent me a picture of the setup and it's on a beach and it's in the round.

Speaker 3 People don't realize it's so important for comedy. You need a ceiling.

Speaker 3 You need dark in the room so people can laugh at inappropriate things and not feel like their coworkers or their peers or their wife is going to be like, you relate to that or you think that.

Speaker 3 So they need to be in the dark. Stand-up comedy, I think, shouldn't be a surprise.
I don't think anyone's ever excited about a stand-up comedian coming in.

Speaker 3 At the end of a long day, it was like 9.30 at night before the DJ. They just wanted to get drunk and get loose.

Speaker 3 The end of the long day of all these meetings and they're like, and we have a special guest and I'm doing an hour.

Speaker 1 Comedy should really never go more than 40 minutes.

Speaker 3 And Kevin Hart's there, but he just has to do a fireside chat. I actually ran into one of the guys that was at the show at the Golden Globes party and he was like, I was there.

Speaker 3 Oh, no, he was like, I booked you. He's the guy that booked me.
He's like, I want to have you back because we didn't nail it for you.

Speaker 3 It wasn't good. I'm sorry it wasn't beat.

Speaker 3 I did the same thing. You were like, I want the redo for the story.
Cause now I told the story of this gig on Kimmel and it made it all worth it.

Speaker 1 And this would have just been a thing. And I wouldn't ever be telling the story if it went well.
And I wouldn't have grown from it.

Speaker 3 Now I can accept those gigs and not have fear because I know what needs to go into them to do well. So Kevin Hart was there.
I say hi to him before and I'm like, this is going to be bad. Don't watch.

Speaker 3 He's like, no, I'm going to stay. By the end of it, he was gone because I was like, let me do some Kevin Hart roast jokes.
I didn't do it at the Tom Brady roast. And he was long gone.
I walked Kevin.

Speaker 3 What's his name? The host of The Bachelor was there, the one that was canceled. Chris Harrison was there for some reason.

Speaker 3 He didn't say hi afterwards.

Speaker 3 It was so lonely. You have to walk through the crowd.
If it would have been nice to just go back to stage and they literally, after I said goodnight, couldn't hold the applause.

Speaker 3 The stage was as big as this table. I just stepped two feet.
And by the time I hit the sand, the applause was over. And then it was just crunch, crunch, crunch through the sand.

Speaker 3 My heels just digging in.

Speaker 3 I don't mind if an audience actively doesn't like me or is like, that joke's inappropriate. Cause I'm like, I know it's not.

Speaker 3 And you're just uptight and you need some kind of identity, which is to be offended. And I can come at you.
But when they're just like embarrassed for you, they're right.

Speaker 1 When you can feel it.

Speaker 3 And the pity. The guy at the party was like, well, I will say you're doing jokes about molesting your nephew.
And I go, Wait, no, no, no, no, I did it about the idea of molesting.

Speaker 1 And he was like, What's the fucking difference?

Speaker 3 And I go, Well, there is one. It's nuanced.
I go, You're so right. The material was so inappropriate for that event, but that's what my act is right now.

Speaker 3 So, next time I do these gigs, I would love to do them, but I want to be hired to roast the people and then I will have a plan. I won't have to go into my dumb act.

Speaker 1 Stay tuned for more armchair expert

Speaker 1 if you dare.

Speaker 1 We are supported by service now. You know what I love? Not having to do boring, repetitive stuff.

Speaker 1 I want to focus on the interesting conversations, the creative work, the things that really matter to me. And apparently, that's exactly what ServiceNow does for entire organizations.

Speaker 1 AI is only as powerful as the platform it's built into. Here's the thing: ServiceNow has basically become the operating system of AI.

Speaker 1 Instead of Frankensteining together different tools, ServiceNow unifies people, data, workflows, and AI, connecting every corner of your business.

Speaker 1 That's why it's no surprise that more than 85% of the Fortune 500 use the ServiceNow AI platform. We're talking HR, customer service, every department you can think of.
And here's what's cool.

Speaker 1 They got Idris Elba as their brand ambassador. I mean, come on, if you're going to have someone represent your company, might as well be the guy who's basically the CEO everyone wants to be, right?

Speaker 1 With AI agents working together autonomously, anyone in any department can focus on the work that matters most. Learn how ServiceNow puts AI AI to work for people at servicenow.com.

Speaker 1 We are supported by Quince. So I'm standing in my closet the other day and I realize I'm reaching for the same three things over and over again.

Speaker 1 And they're all coming from Quince, which got me thinking, when did I become that guy who actually cares about where his clothes come from? I'll tell you when, when I discovered Quince.

Speaker 2 Exactly. I was at a happy hour a couple of days ago with a very cool woman named Margo, very chic.
And I was like, ooh, I I love your pants. I love your sweater.
And she said, Quince. Boom.

Speaker 2 And I was like, I should have known.

Speaker 1 Should have known. Turns out Quince cracked the code on something I didn't even know was broken.
They partnered directly with these ethical factories, cut out the middlemen.

Speaker 1 So you get the same Mongolian cashmere that costs 200 bucks elsewhere, 450. Same quality, none of the markup.

Speaker 1 Perfect timing too, because holiday shopping is coming and I actually have good answers for once. Not just clothes either.
They've got home stuff, travel gear, all of it.

Speaker 1 Give and get timeless holiday staples that last this season with Quince. Go to quince.com slash DAX for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.
Now available in Canada too.

Speaker 1 That's Q U I N C E dot com slash Dax. Free shipping and 365 day returns.
Quince.com slash Dax.

Speaker 1 We are supported by Credelio Quattro. Every dog deserves to enjoy the outdoors and be protected from dog parasites.

Speaker 1 Credelio Quattro offers the broadest parasite protection of its kind by covering six types of parasites in one monthly flavored chewable tablet, fighting ticks, fleas, heartworm disease, roundworms, hookworms, and tapeworms.

Speaker 1 Woof. Other products say they're all in one, but Credelio Quattro is the only monthly chewable tablet of its kind that covers three species of tapeworms.

Speaker 1 And it's flavored, which means your dog might actually like it. Whether you're going on a hike or just in the backyard, you can help protect your best buddy.

Speaker 1 Talk to your vet if your dog has a history of seizures or neurological disorders. Visit quattro dog.com for more info.
Ask your vet about Credelio Quattro. That's quattro dog.com to learn more.

Speaker 1 For full safety information, side effects, and warnings, visit CredelioQuattroLabel.com. Consult your vet or call 1-888-545-5973.

Speaker 1 A diamond is forever. Here on the show, we talk to guests about their past, where they are today, and what they want for the future.
And it kind of makes you realize you're never really done, are you?

Speaker 1 You're constantly changing, shedding old versions of yourself to reveal someone stronger, smarter, funnier even, although my kids might argue that.

Speaker 1 The point is, you're evolving, becoming better every day. That's why desert toned diamonds are the perfect way of celebrating all that you are and all that you're still becoming.

Speaker 1 They come in a range of unique, unexpected colors, colors that reflect your unique, unexpected journey, like warm whites, pale champagnes, deep ambers, smoky whiskeys natural colors that are truly unlike anything else just like you so this holiday season gift yourself a desert diamond to reflect all the shades of you that's why a diamond is forever visit a diamondisforever.com to learn more

Speaker 1 Okay, I want to go to two things before we wrap up because you've given us a lot of time already.

Speaker 3 Oh my God, I could see you're all day. You went to 22

Speaker 1 on the era's tour.

Speaker 1 Have you?

Speaker 1 And you have this history. I don't know if we can do it.
Thank you. Like a really short.
You can take that. I went once.
I took my 11-year-old Elizabeth, and it was the greatest.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God. It's fun.

Speaker 1 But you did 22, and you have this history. I know this is one second because I wasn't even aware of it.
But in some BuzzFeed thing, you made fun of her in some capacity and ended up in the dock.

Speaker 1 Now, I saw the dock and I loved it. And I don't remember that part at all.

Speaker 3 Wait, I'm so glad. I did some interview ages ago, but when I get jealous, I think mean things.
I was really into her at the time and I just saw the friends she kept.

Speaker 3 I was like, oh, I don't fit in there. So I just said something about how she just has model friends and commented about her size too.

Speaker 3 And then in the documentary, it comes out, she was struggling with eating issues, which you have as well. Which I had already been through in my life.

Speaker 3 But at the time, I was also not in recovery for eating stuff. So I got myself to a good place weight-wise.
that no one would know I had food issues, but I was still chasing that.

Speaker 3 And I wasn't good at it anymore looking like that. I couldn't do it.
And so I resented it.

Speaker 3 I mouthed off on a thing that I thought no one would hear, which doesn't excuse it because now I know it gets out and it ends up in her documentary. And I felt just so bad.
Not because I'm busted.

Speaker 3 People know I'm mean or something. It was just she saw that.
Maybe she wouldn't have seen it had it not ended up in the doc, but she definitely saw her own documentary. Like she's seen me say that.

Speaker 3 And that's the person I like the most in this world that brings me the most joy. I made them maybe feel sad.
Couldn't handle it.

Speaker 1 I heard you say that you were unable to listen to her music.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it was embarrassing. If you have a bad run-in with someone or you make someone uncomfortable, they remind you of your fuck-up.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And you haven't made any amends.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I was like, you don't deserve her music. You hurt her.
You contributed to her wanting to go away.

Speaker 1 You wrote her an apology and tried to get it to her through agents.

Speaker 3 And their response when I first was like, hey, I think I'm in this documentary because I just heard my voice in the trailer. And my friends were like, that's not you.
You would never say that.

Speaker 3 And I go, you say what? Because I say it about you, bitch. And they're like, you love her.
I'm like, I know, but you should hear what I say about you. Anyone I'm jealous of, this is the old me.

Speaker 1 I really have done so much to not be a gossip well you learn lessons through hurting people feeling really bad about it and then deciding to watch

Speaker 3 mistakes i allow that for myself now at the time i don't think i even allowed it as much but i learned from that because i knew that a letter wasn't going to get to her or i wouldn't be able to know it so i was just like i'll just put out a public thing and that's the only way and i didn't even know if she would see it or not but as soon as i did i was like i put out apologies that wasn't just trying to let the public think I'm okay again.

Speaker 3 I knew it was about me letting go of that because I could listen to her music afterwards. I was like, okay, I repented.
I really do feel bad. I owned it.

Speaker 3 I said everything that I needed to to not excuse myself, but to explain myself and actually say why this won't happen again and be honest.

Speaker 3 And I just felt like now I'm finally, in the words of Taylor Swift, clean.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I love that.
I'm finally clean.

Speaker 3 And then she commented on it. Oh, I didn't even know I was on a date later that night and I put my phone away just to pretend like I was a girl that doesn't check her phone.

Speaker 3 I'm like, oh, I don't need it. He was a comedian.
He went down to go to a set and I instantly checked my phone when he goes down.

Speaker 3 And I have dozens of text messages being like, did you see and she wrote something back i only read it once because i can't handle it it was very nice from my memory of it it was just something of like this means so much to me and um it's a great example of being able to explain your vulnerability she just got it she only got what i was doing and i love apologizing now when i can really get down to why it happened and own it and be like i was just insecure i was jealous that you're thin i want to be your friend i didn't see myself fitting in and I lashed out and that's what it is and it's nothing more is nothing to do with you.

Speaker 3 Sometimes I find myself when I slip up if i am really close to someone who maybe works with me they're working with me because i want them to have to be friends with me and i obviously want their expertise with me but then they kind of grow up and they're ready to spread their wings and fly i've in years past said things that would maybe make them feel insecure and they called me out and i go what is this and i go because i don't want them to leave yeah it's because i know they're so confident

Speaker 3 for realizing it's a thing i have to check because i've had it done to me back to the boys a confident version of them wouldn't want to be friends with you yes or unless i pay them they're not gonna need me.

Speaker 3 And it's just not true. I've been able to keep those friendships, but it's just the more I can admit my flaws.

Speaker 3 Like you said, if I'm not ashamed of it, if I can say, yeah, I was jealous of Taylor Shelf for being skinny. I went on this podcast and I talked about J-Lo.

Speaker 3 I watched J-Lo's documentaries and I used to be not a hater, but kind of like a lot of society or culturally.

Speaker 3 So the things about she can't sing or can't act or can't dance, whatever, like a lot of hate because everyone's so fucking jealous of her.

Speaker 1 Look at her.

Speaker 3 She's so beautiful. She actually can sing really well.
She's a passionate, fearless creator and performer.

Speaker 3 She made a documentary with her own money to tell the story of her rekindling romance that ended up not going well.

Speaker 3 She knew it could have maybe not put this out there for people to consume and judge and people did. That's ballsy.
And I'm actually kind of jealous of that kind of risk taking. And so what do I do?

Speaker 3 I have to shit on it. And then I watched her documentaries and I was like, man, she's fucking cool and I'm lame.
Any kind of hate I have for her is pure jealousy. And I talked about it on podcast.

Speaker 3 She reached out to me and now we're friends.

Speaker 1 I love that.

Speaker 3 And now I couldn't love her more. I see totally through every preconceived notion I had about her and afraid to admit when you're insecure.

Speaker 1 For me, it's two-sided. It's either I'm jealous or they're displaying a side of myself I hate so much.

Speaker 1 So like my issues with J-Lo maybe in the past are like, why are you at the Super Bowl game in the front of the rope? I've been like, why do you need so much attention?

Speaker 2 Yes, because

Speaker 3 you secretly want it, but you're not willing to do what she's doing today.

Speaker 1 Endless attention and I hate that about myself. By the way, I don't even know if she needs attention.

Speaker 3 Let's say it's the same motivation. Well, she went and got it.
You are scared people are going to go, he needs attention. So what do you do?

Speaker 3 You shit on her so that you sell yourself the story that people are going to say that about you if you do it, which causes you to not do it. I always make fun of people who do cringe things online.

Speaker 3 Not always. I used to.
If someone's doing something comedically and taking a chance or showing their stomach fat or doing something that's really vulnerable.

Speaker 1 That you told yourself you wouldn't be lovable if you did.

Speaker 3 I'll make fun of that person to my friends behind their back because then when I want to do something like that, I'll go, Nikki, don't, because people will make fun of you.

Speaker 3 I have to create a narrative so that I don't take those chances. Usually everything that I hate on is jealousy.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 And it's kind of fun to unpack it and kind of go, oh, it all whittles down to that. The more exhausting it gets to be anyone but myself, the better for me.

Speaker 3 That is the best thing about aging is that it just becomes too tiring to try. And then people end up liking you so much more when you don't.

Speaker 3 And you know, I could have just been doing this the whole time, but you really can't because you can't get there any solar.

Speaker 1 That's why I like go tell my younger self something. I don't even play that game.
I didn't listen to anybody. That was part of my charm.
Even if it was me who came back, I wouldn't listen to you.

Speaker 3 Like, do you try to tell your kids stuff?

Speaker 1 Pretty much I don't. I try to avoid that.
I'm living, I'm modeling. They'll pick some things up.
They'll see other things don't work. They're very bright.
I think it'll work. That's good.

Speaker 1 Okay, so have you, though, ever had one-on-one with Taylor?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I actually met her before I was a huge Swifty during her red tour. I got invited because a show on MTV and they invited us backstage and I got a moment with her.

Speaker 1 But nothing post apology.

Speaker 3 No, nothing post.

Speaker 1 And you probably don't want that.

Speaker 3 Not even. I want to just be a fan.
I just really like being a Swifty and I want to give her that way. I like putting her on this pedestal that she probably doesn't even want to be on.

Speaker 3 I like feeling like a little girl when I'm at the shows. That's why I go to 22 shows.
It's four hours of the best dopamine release I've ever had in my life.

Speaker 3 I feel like the happiest person I've ever felt. I can't risk losing that.
So right now, what we have is so perfect of her being this pop star that I admire.

Speaker 1 As you get more successful, it's harder to be a fan. It's still fun to be a fan.
It's fun. And I think that's worth preserving.

Speaker 3 I love being a fan. It's one of of my favorite things.

Speaker 1 Okay, and so I'm going to preface this by saying, truly, you must know, I don't care how anyone gets sober. I have zero judgment about how anyone does it.

Speaker 1 I am intrigued and fascinated that you read a book 12 years ago and quit drinking. Alan Carr.

Speaker 3 Alan Carr, the easy way.

Speaker 2 Everyone loves that.

Speaker 1 So what happens? Because I'm just curious.

Speaker 3 I think I heard Ellen on Jay Leno's Tonight Show talk about quitting that way, quitting smoking. I heard maybe Ashton Kutcher.
It was a couple celebrities had talked about it.

Speaker 3 And I was like, oh, I'll just get the book to see what happens. And then I was ready to quit smoking.
And I just was like, I'll read it. Cause you get to smoke while you read it.

Speaker 3 That's the thing that made me go, okay, great. And then by the end of it, he goes, have your last cigarette, but I bet you don't want one.
And he's right. You just don't want one.

Speaker 3 And I could not have explained that to my smoking self, but I promise you, it just worked on me. And so drinking, I wasn't ready to let go of anytime soon at that point.
I quit smoking, I think, 2009.

Speaker 3 So I needed two more years with drinking. And then I hit a bottom in Cleveland after a weekend of shows.

Speaker 3 I was supposed to go see the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame one morning, but I was hungover and I couldn't go.

Speaker 3 And I'm like, oh, this is affecting me seeing Britney Spears' sequined outfit from the 2000s VMAs.

Speaker 1 This is becoming unmanageable.

Speaker 3 Like if I can't see John Lennon's sunglasses or whatever. And so I was puking all day.

Speaker 3 And I had already bought the book because I just knew I was circling the drain and I just needed that one moment to go. I'm going to read it.

Speaker 3 So as soon as I flew back to New York, I grabbed the book and I started reading it, the drinking one. If you're interested in this, people go, which one? Because there's lots of them.

Speaker 3 Just whichever one. The one for women, the one for controlling drinking, whatever you want to do.
I don't think you can really control drinking, but give it a whirl.

Speaker 1 They're all by Alan Carr. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Alan Carr died of lung cancer, oddly enough, because he smoked for like 30-something years, but eventually created this method, quit. It robs you of any reason you have to do it.

Speaker 3 Any excuse you have of like, it makes me more social, let's piece that apart. Actually, we're going to prove to you without a question of a doubt that it doesn't make you more social.

Speaker 3 It makes me more brave. Okay, well, then firefighters would be getting loaded before they ran into burning buildings.
They're not. It's not bravery.
It makes you dumb. That's the bravery.

Speaker 3 You're saying things that you wouldn't normally say.

Speaker 1 Your frontal lobes offline.

Speaker 3 Exactly. You're becoming dumb.
It's dumbening you.

Speaker 1 And so all the excuses that you have,

Speaker 3 it relaxes you, then it proves that it doesn't. It actually causes way more anxiety.
So you're kind of left with no reason to do it.

Speaker 3 They found that for a lot of people's addictions, I guess, when they have no reason to do it, they don't need to do it because you're always making excuses of why you need it.

Speaker 3 And that's why I haven't read the pot book yet because I'm not ready to give it up because I know it'll work.

Speaker 1 You probably know enough about AA. You come and you quit drinking, and then you're left with the reason you drank.
And then the meetings and the steps are about addressing

Speaker 1 not the symptom you've quit the symptom so did you find that you were now someone without their medicine food it went to

Speaker 3 hot it went to sex just things that weren't as detrimental it was really the hangover that i was avoiding more than anything so it was food mostly because of my history with anorexia after i gained enough weight to like not be at death's door i just went to like binge eating and bulimia was always in some kind of eating disorder state then it was like 10 years it was covet where my life got small and then the food just filled up.

Speaker 3 So my life was so busy because it kept me from eating all the time. And then I was just uncontrollable around food, unmanageable.

Speaker 3 And that's when I was like, I need help for this and got back into a thing and realized, oh, I didn't look at the spiritual element of it.

Speaker 1 So would it be fair to say the drinking for whatever reason on the continuum, that book was sufficient, but that the eating, you couldn't have read a book.

Speaker 3 He has a book for emotional eating. And it did kind of work.

Speaker 1 It did kind of work.

Speaker 3 But it is a spiritual problem that I have. I don't think people know that if you're starving yourself or if you're bulimic or if you're overeating or whatever it is, there's a place for you.

Speaker 3 There's a 12-step for you that might not sound like the place you should go because you might be an undereater, but there's a blank anonymous that has a place for you that I didn't know about and didn't consider because I was like, that's not for me.

Speaker 3 But it helped so much. And I've been sober from starving myself for four years.
I've been off gum for four years. Gum was a big thing for me.
And I would get sores in my mouth.

Speaker 3 It was like cigarettes, two packs a day of this trident. It's this trickier thing because you have to find your own sobriety.

Speaker 1 Is it like SLA in that you define your bottom line?

Speaker 3 Yeah, you define your own thing. So mine for a while was don't eat in bed.
And then I was like staying in hotel rooms where I was like, well, there's no tables. So let's mend this one.

Speaker 3 Now mine is, if you're hungry, you don't get to keep going. You have to eat.
So the first second that I'm like, I'm hungry, I don't get to be like, oh, yeah, let's ride this out. That's not negative.

Speaker 1 You don't get horny at the point.

Speaker 3 Because I used to get like, oh, my body is eating itself. I'm doing something productive.
Let's ride this. You don't get to do that anymore.
Other Other girls get to do that.

Speaker 3 That's a very common thing I hear about all the time of like, I skipped breakfast. I don't get to do that.

Speaker 1 You don't have that luxury.

Speaker 3 No, I can't be trusted with starving.

Speaker 1 I don't have any opinion on whether people should go or not to a 12-step program.

Speaker 1 But for me, I could have maybe white-knuckled it over the last 20 years, but I would have missed out on so much shit, learning how to be honest with myself, learning what my fears were, learning how to say sorry to people.

Speaker 3 I think that's a big part of it too, is just hearing people. You would never, ever hear their stories and just learning how how to be just vulnerable around strangers and feeling in a safe space.

Speaker 3 It's good for everyone. I'm always like, I wish that there was one for just a normal person.
And there is, it's called Al-Anon because everyone can qualify.

Speaker 3 Everyone needs to have someone in their life. So there is a room for you.

Speaker 1 One of the early premises of this show was me going, Can you have an AA meeting in public? Because I feel bad that people can't experience this. This is wild.
You come in going, I'm not like anyone.

Speaker 1 I hate all these people. I'm not like them.
I'm different. And then they start talking.
You're like, meh, I do that. Oh, yes, I've done that exact same thing.

Speaker 1 There's a human quality to it that since I'm not religious, I don't get it there. I don't know where else I would have experienced that.
What a thing to experience.

Speaker 3 Teaching you empathy. It's amazing.
It's a lost part of our culture to share and to be part of a community. And yeah, it gives you that, but it's a lot of work.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the problem I have.

Speaker 3 But man, when you're doing it, it feels good. It's like meditating.
It's always like, I have time to work out or meditate. And they say you should just meditate instead of workout.

Speaker 3 And sometimes it's just so hard to sit and meditate, even though I always feel better after it. Do you guys meditate?

Speaker 2 I do. Same situation: I'm like, I should, and then sometimes I do.
And you're right, I always feel better after

Speaker 2 forcing it. And same with working out, you know, you will always feel better.

Speaker 3 You've never left the gym being like, Why did I do that?

Speaker 1 Never happened in the history of the world. I do TM because Howard did it and talked about it.
So I too take up things that I hear people I oh, yeah, Howard sold me on that big time.

Speaker 3 That really helped with my depression for a while until I stopped doing it. Yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah, it's weird. I can't figure out why I was in a permanent solution.
then

Speaker 1 because I wasn't doing it.

Speaker 3 Oh, God.

Speaker 1 It's the daily reprieves. It's annoying.

Speaker 3 You like take the medicine and then you're like, I feel great. And you're like, I don't need to take this anymore.
Why do we all do that with everything?

Speaker 2 It's a big deficiency for human brains.

Speaker 3 I'm prescribed ADD meds and I feel so amazing on them. I feel like it's cheating.
And so I won't take them because I feel like I can't Lance Armstrong life like this. I'll feel guilty.

Speaker 3 I can't be proud of my accomplishments because it's a pill. I tell my doctor, I can't take it because I feel like it makes me feel too good.

Speaker 3 And he's like, isn't that good? And I'm like, like, but I just feel like I'm tricking you. He's like, you aren't tricking me.
You didn't want this. I am a doctor.
Don't insult me like that.

Speaker 3 But I kind of like feeling bad, I guess. Or I feel like I deserve it.

Speaker 2 That's what it is.

Speaker 1 You might have a story that if you're not working so hard,

Speaker 1 that you're just not worthy. of anything.

Speaker 3 I saw Jesse Eisenberg talking on CBS Sunday morning about volunteering during COVID. He moved back to Bloomington and worked at like a shelter.
He was the happiest he ever was.

Speaker 2 We had him on Tuesday.

Speaker 3 So why did he go back to this then

Speaker 1 because i was like oh i want i want to go just do an animal sanctuary i have enough money that i'd be fine the rest of my life why don't i just go rehabilitate goats and teach pigs how to walk again when we had jeff bridges on i'll miss this we talked about getting crazy religious about exercise and then crazy religious about lethargy you would expect this from him but the peace he had when he goes yeah man that's what life is just ride these waves yes sometimes you're gonna volunteer and sometimes you're gonna go make a movie sometimes you're gonna smoke pot sometimes you're not that's okay that's okay yeah you're not a bad person no i think you have a lot of bad person yes there's a lot of

Speaker 3 person driving you because you say a shitty thing about someone you love and then people point out even that taylor says thing i'm like i am a bad person if i would have just seen that as a swifty i'd be like fuck that girl she's a mean girl and it's like am i secretly a mean girl and i'm like i don't think so like part of my brain thinking i might be a sociopath but i've learned that sociopaths don't question it yeah they don't want to fashion so i can't be Instead of you thinking you're a bad person, you could channel it to whoever else is probably not a bad person.

Speaker 2 The other Swifty, the other person who's writing something shitty about her, instead of saying I'm a bad person because I did that, instead, it's like, I'm not a bad person and I did that.

Speaker 2 So they're probably not a bad person either.

Speaker 3 Yes, that does help me. I think I do that a lot.

Speaker 1 We also had an OCD expert on who is explaining the majority of OCD isn't what you see in the movies. It's not washing your hands repetitively and it's not checking the lock.

Speaker 1 It's people who are convinced they're a pedophile, but they are not. They have never done anything, but they're so worried they are.
They won't watch TV shows with children.

Speaker 1 So in some way, I think there's a little bit of compulsive, you're so afraid you're a bad person. Yes.
Even though there's no proof that you are other than a couple of fuck-ups that everyone has.

Speaker 3 That's why I like to explore on stages my darkest thoughts. And then hearing people laugh, I'm like, oh, you've thought this too.

Speaker 1 All right. So I guess that wraps it.
That's interesting about the book. And I dig it.

Speaker 3 And it really has been easy. Do you not drink? It's the number one advantage I feel like I have over people sometimes.
Not having a kid is another one I have to admit.

Speaker 3 Has freed me up to do a lot of stuff in my late 30s and now into my 40s that I wouldn't be able to do.

Speaker 1 Although, ironically, the time you're most grateful you don't drink is when you have kids and you're around other parents early in the morning with your fucking kid because they wake up early and I'm looking at these people.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude, if I had to be doing this, which is already hard, hungover, I don't know how they're doing it.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 1 That's the times I've felt the very most grateful. Yeah, I don't know how I'm involved.
5 a.m. waking up if you went to bed at 3.

Speaker 3 Now I know why my mom was cranky and chugging diet cooked. Like she was hungover.
I'm going to cut her some slack. That is rough, dude.

Speaker 1 Well, Nikki, I had high hopes for this. I was quite confident this would be great.
And it was way better than I anticipated. Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 That's so nice. It really felt like a hang.
Good. I was in the middle of it just like, why am I so comfortable? It doesn't usually go like this.

Speaker 1 Well, this was a blast. I hope you'll come back.
Oh, I really want to tell people

Speaker 1 should go see the Alive and Unwell tour. It's in the height of it right now.

Speaker 3 We just started, really. I've never performed in front of this many people in my life.

Speaker 1 Theaters are all so beautiful, right? It's a special honor to be able to play at those places.

Speaker 3 It really is. This is new to me.
I was doing theater tours for the past five years, and you'd sell 70%. Sometimes you sell out.
It's a big deal. And now you're adding dates.

Speaker 1 Adding dates.

Speaker 3 And there's a little bit of, I'm the same person I was before.

Speaker 3 Maybe these people are wrong that are coming out, but it's actually really exciting because I'm trying to embrace, no, more people should see me. This is the right thing.

Speaker 3 I'm having imposter syndrome problems, but for the first time in my life, I am working so much harder on my stand-up than I ever have. It was always just something that kind of came naturally.

Speaker 3 I didn't have to really focus that hard. And now I'm kind of doing the same thing I did with the Golden Globes and the Roast, and I'm looking at my material that way.

Speaker 3 Let's punch it up and make it as hard-hitting as those because I can do it. It's just more work.
And so I'm taking this very seriously. This isn't just any stand-up tour.

Speaker 3 And I'm roasting every city I go to.

Speaker 1 You're doing like six Boston dates, which is insane.

Speaker 3 Fucking nuts. Eight.

Speaker 1 They're all sold out. Yeah.
So go to www.nikiglazer.com with an S and go quick because I was just there and so many of the shows are already sold out. Congratulations, you so deserve it.

Speaker 1 And I'm really happy for you, and you're going to make so much money.

Speaker 1 And I hope you buy something obnoxious and staying awesome.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and you don't have to spend it on your kids.

Speaker 3 Yeah. What tailors on tour anymore?

Speaker 3 You're going to save so much money.

Speaker 1 That's a good point. Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, Nikki, this is a blast. Come back.

Speaker 1 Stay tuned for the fact check so you can hear all the facts that were wrong.

Speaker 1 The current confusion, and I get it, but I feel like we've said it, which is like, I'm confused, why are Mondays now on video, right? Oh. And then I say, oh, we offer to the guest.

Speaker 1 If they're up for video, then that's fun. And then they go, well, you said it, you wouldn't ever do that because

Speaker 1 it wouldn't be vulnerable, to which I reply, I did think that. And then we had Adam Scott on and it was like one of the most beautiful, connected, vulnerable episodes.
And I said, that's not true.

Speaker 1 I found that out.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, also, you can listen. You can keep listening.
No one has to watch this.

Speaker 2 If you prefer to listen, you should listen. Keep listening.
But some people really enjoy seeing a visual. And

Speaker 2 we've enjoyed it more than we thought. We've enjoyed doing it more than we thought.
So we figured, you know, why not offer that up when we can? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Also, we do have guests coming up that aren't on video because of that exact thing where it just

Speaker 2 wants to

Speaker 1 get it.

Speaker 2 slashed even we've made some decisions like this specific person is probably better to not

Speaker 2 because it's more intimate for them. You're right.

Speaker 1 Should we get right into the sim stuff?

Speaker 2 Yeah, me and you have both have sim stories and we've been dying to tell each other.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because it came up yesterday when we were doing

Speaker 1 intros. Yeah.
And we were mad we weren't recording the fact check because I had the ultimate sim experience. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Boy, I kind of want you to go first. You do? Okay, because mine is better.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, just mine has a visual component.
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine to go first.

Speaker 2 Mine isn't.

Speaker 1 Your stories are also better.

Speaker 1 No, they're not. They are.
They're just so twisty and turny. Like, I never know.

Speaker 1 As we've said, you're like the M. Night Shyamalan of just normal pedestrian life.
Oh. Is that what we were saying?

Speaker 2 No, you said Seinfeld. Seinfeld.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's way more Seinfeld. I don't know where I go.

Speaker 2 But M. Night Shyamalan, I get it.
It's like you don't, you really don't know.

Speaker 1 Until the last frame. That's right.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. So my Sim story is our last fact check.
we were talking about dating

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 2 the matchmaking and the ghosting. The ghosting.
You saying,

Speaker 2 I wish you would just go talk to people. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And, you know, being the call-in business, not the

Speaker 1 calling.

Speaker 2 Okay, so

Speaker 2 we had that whole conversation.

Speaker 2 The next day,

Speaker 2 I was on Instagram, the Instagram app. Yeah.
And there was someone whose story I saw that I

Speaker 2 thought was fantastic.

Speaker 2 I followed this person and really, really like this person

Speaker 2 from afar. I don't know.
I don't know him.

Speaker 2 But our paths have crossed many moons ago. Interesting.
And so I

Speaker 1 follow him and in the driveway while he was visiting his daughter. That would be Sean Penn.
Oh, no.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 He is

Speaker 2 so funny. I just find him to be the funniest person.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 so anyway, I'm watching these videos and I'm laughing and I text a friend who I know sort of knows him. Yeah, great, great.
And I said,

Speaker 1 hey,

Speaker 1 blank.

Speaker 2 Hey, this person's name. Yeah.
Is he straight and single?

Speaker 3 Do you know?

Speaker 2 She said, I'm pretty certain he's straight. I don't know if he's single.

Speaker 3 Pretty certain. We don't always know.

Speaker 2 We don't always know.

Speaker 2 She said, I'm, I'm almost certain he's straight. I don't know if he's single.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Hurdle number two.

Speaker 2 Yes. And she said, the last time I saw him, I was walking around the reservoir.
So we should start walking around the reservoir.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 And I was like, oh, yeah, that's great. That's fun.
We made some jokes. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Was she he or she joking or is she sincere?

Speaker 3 I mean, I guess like it's sort of half joking like we're not really going to be maybe let's anyways

Speaker 2 because it'll be funny anyways because we're doing this thing sure the next day the next day I was walking down the street and I walked past him no

Speaker 2 I

Speaker 2 like had

Speaker 2 such a visceral react for so many reasons one it was this is a big challenge that the universe put like I'm I I know oh

Speaker 2 I know you're not gonna like where this goes but it was it was, it was like,

Speaker 2 what's the universe doing? Is it, is it telling me like, go say hi is what it's telling.

Speaker 1 There's nothing to interpret here.

Speaker 2 This is as linear as it gets. And I walked past him and I went to the store.

Speaker 1 In person, did you get a PQ or you're like, oh, wow, yeah, in person?

Speaker 2 Well, I didn't want to stare.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 I got a shock to my system because of the overwhelm of the coincidence. Yes.
And I did not want

Speaker 2 to make a thing. But I, and so I went to this store and just like jumped into this to hide.

Speaker 1 Store to hide. Collect yourself.

Speaker 2 And text my friend, of course. Oh, right.
And she said, she said, did you say hi?

Speaker 2 And I said, no, I don't, I didn't. You don't know how to say it.

Speaker 1 I said, I said, I don't know how.

Speaker 2 And then she said, and then this is why things get kind of confusing, right? Because then she was like, okay, yeah, maybe that is best.

Speaker 2 Maybe, I know, I know you wouldn't like that part.

Speaker 1 Give me her number.

Speaker 2 No, she said, Do I already have her number?

Speaker 3 I think so. Okay, she said, Maybe

Speaker 2 you should, like, an introduction is better.

Speaker 2 And so then I was like, Yeah, I don't know. Anyway, I shopped at the store.
I probably bought something. I'm nervously.
Yeah, and then I walked back out and back past.

Speaker 1 Oh, great. This is like the girl with the cowboy hat.
I was trying to take Pinne over.

Speaker 2 Exactly. I walked back past, and I like, I like shook my head a little bit to try to get all pheromones

Speaker 2 could speak.

Speaker 1 I want to play like a dog wagon.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And that was it.
It was just wild.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I, okay. And then I told Jess about this.

Speaker 2 And he was like, you told yourself if this happened again.

Speaker 2 You would say something. And I forgot I did do that.
Like, remember the guy I saw in New York who I thought was so hot?

Speaker 2 And I thought, oh, I should just say, hey, you're so, hey, just so you know you're so attractive I love looking at you have a great day remember after him I was like I should have said it yeah and then I'm at the at Brentwood Country Mart

Speaker 2 what's the bracelets at the tower

Speaker 1 You couldn't get your bracelets on?

Speaker 2 Oh, that's separate.

Speaker 1 And there was nobody had the guy, had a guy put them on.

Speaker 2 There was no guy.

Speaker 1 That's okay. We can't count that one.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that doesn't count. But the other guy at Brentwood Country Mart that was so attractive.

Speaker 1 Yeah, how many streetcars are you going to watch go by?

Speaker 2 I know. I am starting to think.

Speaker 1 You got to get mad at yourself. That's a good motivator.
Like, that's when you, like, you're fucking, I've had enough of this. Who? I'm going to live my whole life like this.
Fuck this.

Speaker 2 I'm like 4% there.

Speaker 1 Oh, geez. I thought this would take you

Speaker 3 to the 40s.

Speaker 2 It was, well, I, I didn't know how, I could take it as I'm mad at myself. I should have said something.

Speaker 3 Or,

Speaker 2 wow, the universe

Speaker 1 loves me.

Speaker 1 Sure.

Speaker 2 Gave me something. I'm not, I didn't do anything about about it.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 it's only going to try to help you so many timelines. Yes, if you don't want its help, it's going to stop.

Speaker 3 A universality.

Speaker 1 You need to be way the fuck above 4%. I just, as your friend, I need to yell at you a little bit.
40. You need to be in the 48s.
I'm going 82%. He knows you.
Here.

Speaker 1 Comedy girl, you got this popular podcast. We're on a very popular podcast.
That's why we're staying at this hotel, Mr. Customs Man in India.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it still haunts me. I'll think about that.
That's like the Nev Campbell thing. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Wait, okay.
What happened again?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you told the Indian customs man

Speaker 1 when he didn't believe I was staying at the nice hotel. And he wanted first the phone number, then he wanted the address.
Then he wanted like, I don't know what he wanted.

Speaker 1 He did not believe that we were staying at the hotel. I'm staying here.

Speaker 1 I am a very popular podcast. So, well, I'm one of the hosts of a very popular podcast, and we're in town to interview Bill Gates.
And I'm like, he didn't know what podcast was.

Speaker 1 He didn't know what popular was. And I don't think he knew what Bill Gates was.

Speaker 3 He didn't give a fuck about it.

Speaker 1 It was a three strikes, and you're out. We're so lucky I got led into that.

Speaker 2 No, that was so funny. Okay, anyway, so that was just that was so sick.
The next day,

Speaker 2 the next day, the next, yeah.

Speaker 1 You gotta listen, girl.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 1 He's at Maru a lot, too. Oh, oh, my spray.

Speaker 1 He's probably a pervert.

Speaker 3 Probably wants you to shit on him.

Speaker 1 Rob, if you see him at Maru, ask him if he likes girls to shit on a glass

Speaker 1 coffee table.

Speaker 1 People are going to get it. And tell her your friend's open to it as long as there's not been like 10 other people who have done that.
As long as she's the first.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 1 Well, you could be up to the first or third.

Speaker 2 No, I want to be the first.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you have standards.

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay.
Now you have a sim moment too. Now let's hear it.

Speaker 1 Okay, I pray that you think this is as insane as I do. So my friend Oliver apparently is in Toronto and he goes to a museum.
Okay. And then he sends me these two photos from a museum.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 And I will explain to the listener.

Speaker 1 This is in a museum and it is an Ames chair that was made between 1948 and 1950, designed between 1948 and 1950. It's called Dax Armchair, which Dax isn't a fucking word in 1948.

Speaker 1 Not only is it a Dax armchair, it was designed at UCLA and manufactured in Michigan. Oh.

Speaker 1 Are you fucking Dax armchair?

Speaker 1 God. Does that not zap your brain? And that's not possible.
In a museum, Dax armchair. They should write fucking expert after it.

Speaker 2 Well, I thought when this first popped up, I thought it was something for the show. I thought something in the museum.

Speaker 1 This is in a museum of an Eames chair. By the way, affordable.
It was 20 bucks. It was meant to be a cheap.

Speaker 1 Yes, I'm a cheap. I'm a cheapie.

Speaker 1 Dax armchair. Why did they use that word? That wasn't a word.

Speaker 1 That's not a name.

Speaker 1 It was made at UCLA. It manufactured in Michigan.

Speaker 2 The Dax, listed at about $20 each. I'm going to read the whole thing.
$20 a month.

Speaker 1 Dax Armchair, designed 1948 to 1950 by Charles Eames and Ray Eames

Speaker 1 with staff of the engineering department, University of California, Los Angeles this model made from 1955 to about 1972 by Herman Miller Furniture Co. Zealand Michigan

Speaker 1 molded polyester fiberglass composite steel rubber I used to wear rubbers when I was single that's a stretch

Speaker 1 um the chair design shared a second prize of course I never win either

Speaker 1 I never win my birthday's the second

Speaker 1 the chair design shared a second prize loser in the 1948 international competition for low-cost furniture design, sponsored by the Museum of Modern Art in New York City, one of my favorite cities.

Speaker 1 The Dax listed at about $20 each or $100 in modern terms.

Speaker 2 You have $100.

Speaker 1 And the French name for it is

Speaker 1 Fatule Dax. Fatoule? Fatoux.
Fatule Dax.

Speaker 3 Fatouille.

Speaker 1 Fatoullier. Dax.
Wow. Monica, would you agree this is fucking insane?

Speaker 2 Dax insane.

Speaker 1 Dax armchair.

Speaker 2 We got to get one, obviously.

Speaker 1 For sure. 20 bucks.

Speaker 2 Who wouldn't? 100 in modern times.

Speaker 1 Oh, 100.

Speaker 2 Oh, never mind.

Speaker 1 I want to contact this museum and just sit next to it so people can crack it. Where is it? Toronto.
Oh, we're not going there. That was the first place I ever went in a hot tub.

Speaker 1 The Harbor Castle. Family vacation.
I read that in bed yesterday morning. And I like, I cut in.
I'm like, when is it too much?

Speaker 1 I'll cry. Maybe I'll I'll cry a bit tonight.

Speaker 2 You didn't cry about this. I was just stunned.

Speaker 1 How crazy could it get before you have to go like, I don't understand?

Speaker 2 I know. That's how I am feeling.
Like, yeah, how explicit do they have to be the sims engineers?

Speaker 2 Designers. They're begging us.

Speaker 2 I think they want to. I'm getting nervous, though, because Eric says the more we're onto it,

Speaker 2 they'll start unplugging.

Speaker 1 Right. They'll get suspicious of us and start like

Speaker 1 hampering our speech. I'm shook by that chair.

Speaker 1 And I must own it. It doesn't look terribly comfortable.

Speaker 2 No, but we still

Speaker 1 need it.

Speaker 1 Well, if I just couldn't ever, no matter what. It's round.
I'm round. It has four legs.
I do too.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we need that in here 100%.

Speaker 2 So this is a ding, ding, ding-ish, because My favorite podcast, Nobody's Listening, Right, with Elizabeth and Andy. Elizabeth loves signs like this.

Speaker 2 She lost both of her parents when she was quite young.

Speaker 3 So she often

Speaker 2 sees them in the universe in ways.

Speaker 1 They're winking at her. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She loves that. And I, and, and I like it too.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 that

Speaker 2 is a sign from the universe.

Speaker 3 I know.

Speaker 2 It was a sign. It was a sign to like, keep going.

Speaker 3 Like, it's all going to be fun.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, like, yeah. And it is all fun.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I told you this about

Speaker 1 Laird Hamilton. Gabrielle said that he looks at her.
She's like, I love his presence in my life because he's just unflappable, right?

Speaker 1 And she said that once in a while when she's fragile, he looks at her and he goes, it's going to be fine. It is fine.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You did say this.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Or it's going to be okay. It is okay.
Yeah. Right now it's okay.

Speaker 2 I love that. Yeah.
I really love that.

Speaker 1 It's a very steadying.

Speaker 2 Also, you know, we have a friend who did hypnosis. And I think I've said this before, but I think about it all the time.

Speaker 1 Are you the friend in the strikes? Remember, you did hypnosis?

Speaker 3 No, it wasn't me.

Speaker 1 In the attic.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I do.

Speaker 2 Listen to that episode. That was an interesting episode.
Yeah, I got hypnotized real time on this show.

Speaker 1 That's right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Now, this friend got hypnosis to stop vaping. Part of it is

Speaker 2 you say,

Speaker 2 I used to do that. I don't do that anymore.
Never again.

Speaker 1 I used to do that. I don't do that.
Never again. Yeah.
I hate that sentence.

Speaker 2 I love it

Speaker 2 i think it's so i think the i don't do that anymore yeah is is so strong it's actually it's like the past the present the future all in one thing right yes but the present is the one that is the most impactful and it's similar to it is okay yes i don't do that anymore yeah my thing is to go like what has been helpful to me is to go like whatever when i quit dip or any of the stuff i quit which is all the time

Speaker 1 I go like, oh my God, I want it. I want this so bad.
And in 10 minutes, I won't.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like doesn't help me. It doesn't.
For me, like knowing it, yes, this is an urge. It'll be passing.
And then believe it or not, in 10 minutes,

Speaker 1 you won't be fighting this. Yeah.
It is very comforting to me. Because generally, when I get that strong compulsion to do something I don't want to do,

Speaker 1 my brain tells me I'm going to feel that way forever until I do the thing I want to do.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but it's tricky because some things.

Speaker 1 Some things never change.

Speaker 2 Some things, I guess depending on your addiction, some things don't go away.

Speaker 2 There's something to me about the mantra, if you're really trying to quit something of just like, not like, I won't want this. Because I think that's a lie for certain things, for certain people and

Speaker 2 certain addictions. Like, I think it's, it's not like, don't worry, you won't want this soon because

Speaker 2 it might not be a reality. It's just like, yeah, I used to do that.
I don't do that anymore.

Speaker 1 I will say

Speaker 1 that again. I don't, I don't want to drink.
Yeah. I really, that, that is a miracle my life.

Speaker 2 Dude, that's

Speaker 1 a miracle. Yeah.
That I was, as I say in the program, like relieved of the obsession. That was kind of unimaginable the first year.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm just going to fucking, every time I walk by a bar for the rest of my life, I'm going to want to go inside.

Speaker 1 And I got to talk myself out of not going inside for the rest of my life yeah but I don't think about it ever yeah I could be like surrounded by Jack Daniels bottles and it doesn't even I'm just like oh yeah that is lucky yeah I don't know if that's for everyone though yeah

Speaker 1 stay tuned for more armchair expert

Speaker 1 if you dare

Speaker 1 This message is brought to you by Apple Card. Apple Card members can earn unlimited daily cash back on everyday purchases wherever they shop.

Speaker 1 This means you could be earning daily cash on just about anything, like a slice of pizza from your local pizza place or a latte from the corner coffee shop.

Speaker 1 Apply for Apple Card in the wallet app to see your credit limit offer in minutes.

Speaker 1 Subject to credit approval, Apple Card issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA, Salt Lake City Branch, terms and more at applecard.com.

Speaker 2 This is a ding, ding, ding, because this is for Nikki, and we do talk about addiction.

Speaker 1 I love this episode. I got to say, I told her it was like we have these episodes every now and again that they really fill my tank up and they make me really, really excited for our job.

Speaker 1 Not that I ever don't like our job, I always like our job. Yeah, but sometimes I'm really turbocharged and it really hits me.
Like, no, I love our job. Yeah.

Speaker 1 To get to have something in your head and then

Speaker 1 like work through it with the actual human being that you have access to that and then they're so incredible and fun

Speaker 1 yeah i just i i this put a real spring in my step this episode not to brag go ahead and brag brag

Speaker 2 that's a sign of really good friends you can brag i think it is yeah but not i mean i i guess the armchairs are my good friends yeah

Speaker 1 um i got two numbers that week yeah big week hers was one of them yeah and that was pretty cool.

Speaker 2 I played it really cool.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 too cool.

Speaker 2 Well, no, because

Speaker 2 you exchanged numbers. Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 And, you know, I didn't.

Speaker 1 I sat back. We had a little, oh, right.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great.

Speaker 2 Like, as she was leaving, you

Speaker 1 got her number.

Speaker 2 And then I, you know, I, I went in the corner during that part.

Speaker 1 She didn't on a, on our tree. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 she was like, oh, God, what's she doing?

Speaker 1 That's a thing she does. It's a good luck thing for us.

Speaker 2 She does that at the end of the day. Every single one.

Speaker 2 And then she reached out to me.

Speaker 1 That's wonderful because it quiets any voice in your head that she didn't want to give you your number.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I don't.

Speaker 1 Because once in a while, we exchange numbers with the guests. You do.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't, like,

Speaker 1 I will. You've done like five times.

Speaker 2 If they,

Speaker 3 I will never instigate it ever.

Speaker 1 Most of the time, I want their number. Like, I like them and I'd love to, at some point in my life, if I want to say hi to them, I want to be able to do that.

Speaker 2 God, this is, this is back to me and you at the bar.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 You get the, you always, you're just like, give me your number.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Because I might want to say hi.
I might see you in something and I want to be able to tell you I loved it or whatever it is, but it's perfect for you because you didn't. I don't know.

Speaker 1 You didn't ask for it. And then she reached out to you.
Yeah. We love her.
We love her. We love her.
We're the number one fans.

Speaker 2 Yeah. She's, she's so great.
She's so great. Okay.
A couple little fackies.

Speaker 2 Gracious loser face.

Speaker 1 Gracious loser face.

Speaker 2 That's from friends.

Speaker 1 Oh, why did they have to confront that? Because Joey's not meant to name for a daytime drama of soap opera. Soapy.

Speaker 2 Soapy Sudsy.

Speaker 1 A Sudsy. And

Speaker 2 Rachel is teaching him about Gracious Loser.

Speaker 1 And did he have a rid, I'm guessing he probably had a really preposterous look on his face.

Speaker 2 He got actually mad.

Speaker 1 Oh, he did. When he lost.
When he lost. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's great.

Speaker 2 Yeah. God, it's a great thing.

Speaker 1 I wish someone would do that.

Speaker 1 They're on their face and it's not their name and they go, fuck this.

Speaker 1 Fucking they stand up and walk out. That would be awesome.
I feel like some of them.

Speaker 1 And some of those people deserve to. Like some of these people have been nominated 15 fucking times in the same category and not won.
Oh.

Speaker 1 I know. So stop inviting me.
Exactly.

Speaker 2 Okay. Do they do knee tucks? Yes.
A knee tuck, also known as a knee lift, cosmetic procedure that improves the appearance of of the knees.

Speaker 2 They can address loose skin, excess fat, and other signs of aging. Speaking of skin,

Speaker 2 I did the thing. I haven't done it in so long, but I did the thing you're never supposed to do where I

Speaker 2 like felt something sort of under the skin, just a tiny bit.

Speaker 1 A hint of a pimple.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I don't know if it's a pimple because it's been there for a long time. It's under, it's like under, but it's not a cyst.
It feels like I can like, I can like feel it.

Speaker 2 More like a pinprick, like a splinter.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And so yesterday I started fucking with it. And now I created a whole issue on my face.
And we're about to, Kristen's hosting the SAG Awards. By the time this comes out, it will already happen.

Speaker 2 Also, ding, ding, ding, Nikki, Golden Globes.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I'm there to help her write her stuff. And so I'll be there.

Speaker 1 And now I have a whole ish, whole thing on my face.

Speaker 2 It's right here.

Speaker 2 You can see it. It's okay.
No, money.

Speaker 1 It's okay.

Speaker 2 I just, I, I was just like, why don't we learn these lessons? I know.

Speaker 1 The face stuff is impossible. I can't tell you how often I'm pushing on something, going, don't do this, don't do this.
This is a mistake. Oh my God, I think I'm almost there.
I am going to get it.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm going to stop doing this. Okay, you're going to finish this and you are not allowed to look in the mirror and start touching this again.
Like, I go through this madness all the time. I know.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 2 Now, we talked about baby girl. Oh, yeah.
Okay. Talk about baby girl.
Baby girl girl has two meanings. Okay.

Speaker 2 Baby girl is a slang term used to describe an attractive man, often a celebrity or fictional character. It's a term of endearment that's become popular with Gen Z.

Speaker 2 Like a lot of people are like Austin Butler is baby girl. Timothy

Speaker 2 Salamay is baby girl. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 We would have said in my era, a pretty boy.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Probably correct. Attractive, cute, or vulnerable.

Speaker 1 Oh, vulnerable.

Speaker 2 Also, it's this sexual dynamic.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 2 Based on the, well, not, I don't know if it happened first, but the movie, Nicole Kidman, baby girl, there's milk. She drinks milk.

Speaker 3 Like a kitty or something?

Speaker 2 Well, she does drink like a cat. And I don't know if it's different from when she also drinks milk because they've made that joke a lot on all these shows.

Speaker 2 And I fell asleep during like 10 minutes of the movie. So that might have been when she drank the milk.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this is like when you fell asleep during, or you shut without a pedal off, or you fell asleep. You took a shower in the middle.
You took a shower.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 We had a recording. Yeah, I understand.
I had to get to.

Speaker 1 You timed it perfectly. You missed my racist.

Speaker 2 I missed your racist thing. That was my racist thing.

Speaker 2 That was probably my dad saying, go to shower next. We'll take a quick one.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So anyway, baby girl is like a dominant woman being treated as a sub-sexually, like dominant in life. Yeah.
Being kind of subordinate sexually.

Speaker 2 I think often to a

Speaker 2 man who

Speaker 2 might be subordinate to her in life.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Kinky. Well, yeah, and baby girl, she's the boss and he's the intern.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 See, I wonder if it's really hotter, and I didn't find it hot. What if she was coughed up a hairball? Like, she got too into the role that she was hacking and stuff.

Speaker 2 I wonder if you'll think it's sexy because I, I,

Speaker 2 in theory, could see it being sexy, but then when I was watching it, I was like, it's not really for me.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't like tie me up. No, thank you.
Handcuffs, no, thank you.

Speaker 3 What about okay?

Speaker 2 At one time, you dated this

Speaker 1 kind of older model.

Speaker 2 Oh, uh-huh. Were you kind of subordinate there?

Speaker 1 No, no, but it was that was, I would say, more like

Speaker 1 two equals wrestling match. Interesting.
Uh,

Speaker 2 you mean physically?

Speaker 1 Yeah, like she was aggressive. Oh, okay.
I was equally aggressive back. Oh, okay.
Yeah, it was like uh, but it was, there was no dumb.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 she had a mat, she had a wrestling mask on.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Uh, have you ever been a sub?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, I don't.

Speaker 2 Even with so.

Speaker 1 Are you bringing up my molesting? Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 The darker, the better.

Speaker 2 Okay, so you've never subbed.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 2 You've never been a substitute teacher?

Speaker 1 No. Truly, no shade to anyone.
I've explored everything in my mind. Right.
I'm like up for anything and everything. So

Speaker 1 I would try it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't care. I would try that.

Speaker 1 If Kristen's like, I want to handcuff you and hit you with a... Fucking a horse whip or whatever.
I'd be like, yeah, okay, great.

Speaker 2 What if she asked you to drink milk out like a cat? Yeah, great.

Speaker 1 I would do anything. There's nothing I want to do.
That's fun. But when I imagine whether I'd be enjoying it or not, it's kind of hard for me to lock in.
Yeah, okay. Well,

Speaker 1 baby girl. Baby girl.

Speaker 2 Okay, what did Taylor Swift?

Speaker 2 Good old Taylor Swift say

Speaker 2 to Nikki in response to her apology. Her apology said, I love Taylor Swift.

Speaker 2 Unfortunately, I am featured in her documentary as part of a montage of asshats saying mean things about her, which is used to explain why she felt the need to escape from the spotlight for a year.

Speaker 2 It's insanely ironic because anyone who knows me knows I'm obnoxiously obsessed with her and her music.

Speaker 2 The soundbite was from an interview I did five years ago and I say in such a shitty tone, she's too skinny, it bothers me, all of her model friends, and it's just like, come on.

Speaker 2 This quote should be used as an example of projection in Psych 101 textbooks.

Speaker 2 If you're familiar with my quote, work at all, you know I talk openly about battling some kind of eating disorder for the past 17 years.

Speaker 2 I was probably feeling fat, again, that's in quotes, feeling fat that day and was jealous. And I was only bothered by her model friends because I'd like to be her friend and I'm not a model.

Speaker 1 That's a strong apology. It is very.

Speaker 2 Then Taylor said, Wow, I appreciate this so much. One of the major themes of the doc is that we have the ability to change our opinions over time, to grow, to learn about ourselves.

Speaker 2 I'm so sorry to hear that you've struggled with some of the same things I've struggled with. Sending a massive hug.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's very sweet. That's as nice and repairing as a fucking thing can be.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Aspirational.

Speaker 2 It is.

Speaker 1 All right. All right.
Love you. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 1 You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

Speaker 1 Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondry.com slash survey.

Speaker 4 Mom and dad, uh, mom and mom, dad and dad, whatever, parents, are you about to spend five hours in the car with your beloved kids this holiday season? Driving to old Granny's house?

Speaker 4 I'm setting the scene, I'm picturing screaming, fighting, back-to-back hours of the K-pop Demon Hunter soundtrack on repeat.

Speaker 4 Well, when your ears start to bleed, I have the perfect thing to keep you from rolling out of that moving vehicle. Something for the whole family.
He's filled with laughs, he's filled with rage.

Speaker 4 The OG Green Gronk, give it up for me, James Austin Johnson, as the Grinch.

Speaker 4 And like any insufferable influencer these days, I'm bringing my crew of lesser talented friends along for the ride with A-list guests like Gronk, Mark Hamill, and the Jonas Brothers, whoever whoever they are.

Speaker 4 There's a little bit of something for everyone. Listen to Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast, wherever you get your podcasts.