Nikki Glaser

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Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert.
I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Modest Mouse. Hi.
Do you know Modest Mouse is going on tour this summer? And I really want to see them. Oh my God.
They're not coming to the West Coast. Oh, well, do you think they'll send us some merch? Because I would really love a shirt that says that.
Modest Mouse, will you send us some merch? We should just go buy some merch. They were just here in the fall.
I saw them. They were here in the fall? Yep.
They did a good news tour. They're doing a southern tour.
I saw Asheville's on the list. So maybe while I'm in Nashville, I can go see them somewhere.
Anyways, that's not who our guest is. It's not Modest Mouse.
I do love Modest Mouse. Our guest is Nikki Glaser.
This couldn't have been more fun. I am so delighted.
So fun. We decided to explore our history.
Our history. It was so fun.
I really, really, really like her. She's a stand-up comedian, an actor, and a television host.
Her credits include Nikki Glaser's Someday You'll Die. Great stand-up routine.
F-Boy Island. Welcome home, Nikki Glaser.
Not safe with Nikki Glaser. Banging.
And her tour, you can go see her right now live. She is coming by you.
I've looked at the list. She's going everywhere.
It's a huge tour. It's called a live and unwell tour.
Go to NikkiGlazer.com for tickets. And she hosts the Golden Globes.
G squared. Big event.
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In the hours and days before a podcast like this, I'm like, oh, people are just having to study me right now. Yeah.
Does it make you nervous? No, it makes me feel bad because I have imposter syndrome that I'm not good. And I'm like, he's going to know that I'm not good now.
Yeah. If he pays too much attention, he's going to figure out that I'm a fraud.
Between the lines. Yes.
If you just look at the things that are posted, you're like, oh, she's talented. But if you get into it, you might like.
Let me ask you just a baseline. How nervous do you get for things? Obviously, you're brave as fuck.
You go on stage. But like when you go to Stern and I'm not comparing myself to that, just what's the nerves out of 10 for Stern? Well, I kind of set things up so that I can't be because I'm so worried about the roast or I'm so worried about the globes that it's almost like, Oh, I have to do Stern too.
So it kind of takes away from that. Right.
You don't even have an opportunity to spin out about it because it's just too much shit's in front of you. I love when things happen last minute or they kind of just are thrust upon you.
I don't like to have a lot of time to think about things.

Yes.

Because when I do, I freak out.

So everything in my life is five minutes before every appointment.

My assistant will be like, do you want 30 minutes between that?

I go, for what?

To think about what I've just done?

So no, everything's stacked.

The first time I did Stern, I laid in bed that night anticipating every single conceivable question. Whoa.
And then planning what my response would be. That's good, I think.
I mean, it was in some way because I went in knowing, OK, I've slept with some famous women. I know he's going to want to talk about that.
I have to have a game plan for that. I'm obviously not going to talk about it, but I don't want to piss him off or disappoint the audience.
Yeah, you want to be a fun guest. Yes.
So what worked was I was like, I'm going to pivot to addiction every time because I know he also loves that and I'm happy to give him that. And that's just me.
It's like either talk about anal or your addictions and your neuroses. Who's Virginia? Which are all the same thing, really.
Yeah, they really are. They're connected.
Yeah, they're all connected. Absolutely.
I tend to underprepare so that when it goes poorly, I have an excuse. I think that's also why I stack my life is so that I don't have time to prepare.
So I always have an excuse for when I'm not good. Yeah, you have some kind of plausible deniability.
But it never goes poorly if I plan. Planning does work.
I should just do that. Do you do what I do, which is and we'll go right to it.
When I had heard, did you hear us talking about the Golden Globes thing? I don't like to hear people talking about me. So I did not listen, but I heard it was talked about.
Almost you have to, because people never relay it the same. I'll hear like so-and-so was shit talking to you.
And then I listened to it. I'm like, that's not really what happened.
No, you should listen back. So my experience was bumping into Jesse Eisenberg.
Him telling me, did you hear we were in the New York Times yesterday? And I'm like, no, I didn't know we were in the New York Times. And he said, yes.
Apparently, Nikki had written two jokes that were too hot for TV. Too hot.
And it was in the New York Times. So I returned to my seat before the monologue starts.
And I'm thinking, she's going to fuck me up hardcore. I'm sure the version she backed off of is still gonna destroy my feelings so I hold on hold this is not to make you feel guilty no I hate that you were like bracing for impact it was more like I have to have a response that doesn't make me look like an asshole yeah I've got to somehow find the humor in whatever mean thing she says about me gracious loser face they face, they call her.
Yeah, gracious. So I'm like almost practicing.
Oh, God. Suffice to say, the whole monologue, every time it was about me, I was like, oh, okay.
Whew. So nothing happened.
Then reality hits you and you're like, of course nothing happened. There's so many bigger people in this room to make a joke about.
Why on earth would she even make one about me? That's not why I didn't. Okay.
All to say, you do do Stern the following day. And then I started seeing in the comments of our episode that day, like, did you hear Nikki's joke about you? And I wrote to several people.
No. And I hope to never hear it, but you must know what I then crafted in my head that your joke was they were so fucking mean.
They hurt so bad because they were my deepest insecurities. And three days goes by and Kristen finally went and listened.
And she came in, she goes, the joke's nothing. Is it that you were going to ask everyone to be on your podcast? And I was like, oh my God, where my mind was at.
This is the worst part of my job is that I make people feel this way. I want to hear about that.
Yes, none of that is to make you feel bad at all. No, no, no.
I'm not taking it like that. Okay, good.
This is all the racket in my head. Sure.
And so when I'm about to do Stern, I'm also preparing for things he's not going to say to me. Yes.
Because no one is as mean to me as me. No one.
Ah, sometimes. Okay, the internet exists.
I will say that sometimes I've done a roast and they'll find something about me that I'm like, I thought that was just a me thing that I say to my friends and they go, no one else sees that about you. And then someone else has seen it.
And so sometimes it can hurt a lot. But generally, I've bullied myself more than anyone possibly could.
But that joke, the reason I didn't do it, you know, the joke was everyone from TV and movies come together for one common goal to get out of here without Dax Shepard asking them to do their podcast. It's a great joke.
OK, First of all, it doesn't work because everyone does want to do your podcast. So I was testing it out around town and because you're not known as a podcast that's like, oh, I got to go do this.
It's funny because your name is great. It adds a good joke texture.
Sure. It sounds like a vape company.
It's got a good mouth feel. What did you say? It sounds like a vape company.
It sounds like a brand of vape. We were really trying to rack our brains of who's a celebrity in that room who people are trying to avoid a conversation with.
And I don't even think we landed on it. When I heard that was the joke, it didn't bother me at all because it's a shortcoming of mine that I won't invite anyone on.
Right. Cause I'm so afraid they think I'm opportunistic.
And then secondly, several people there had come up to me very nicely and said, I just want you to know that was one of my favorite interviews. So my self-esteem in that category was so filled that it didn't bother me at all.
But when it was going to be that I was too ugly to be with her and I'm riding her coattails and all these fears I have that people think about me. Oh my God.
Whoa, you're so off. I'm preparing for that.
In my defense, there were many, many BuzzFeed-y type things of top 10 ugly guys with hot girls. And I made those lists for years.
Why is that okay? So I just went to, well, that's probably what's coming my way. You don't want me to apologize because you didn't do the things I was crafting.
No, I'm just like sorry that you got to deal with that shit. There's nothing worse than feeling ugly.
And I feel ugly a lot too. And for me to hear you say you feel ugly is probably the way that people feel when I say it.
Because I know I'm not like a total dog. Neither of us are monsters, but we can't help that we feel that way.
Because to me, I'm like, how could he feel ugly? But I don't get to tell you, you don't get to feel ugly because that's your own feeling. I wouldn't make an ugly joke about someone that was actually ugly.
I feel like is the thing, but you don't realize that people who aren't ugly feel ugly. So when you make the joke that you go, I only said you were fat because you're not

or whatever it is.

Yes, yes.

But everyone feels these things

that anyone else would say, no way you are.

Well, the two things I hope that got to you were,

A, I thought you did a brilliant job.

Thanks.

You did such a good job

and your jokes were so fucking good.

Even though you were probably blacked out

during the whole thing, just waiting.

It was like waves of relief.

I know that feeling of,

they're going to say something about me

and just waiting.

You can't even hear. You're just kind of like, ah.
I'm even self-conscious that when they go to her for her category, I'm like, this is such a rough look for me to just kind of be half in or out of the frame. I'm like, should I bail out or should I commit fully? We're here together.
I don't belong there. You know, all these stuff.
Feeling like you don't belong there when you're a plus one. If it's your wife.
I can't accomplish enough to not feel that way. 100%.
I was at the Grammys last night and I felt that way. I wanted to ask.
You had a whole bit there, though. You had to rip off Benson Boone's clothes.
Yeah. That was great.
But I almost wondered if you're relieved of it there. I feel like I could go to the Grammys and be fine.
I don't belong there. Yeah.
It's the I almost belong there. Do I don't? I could belong here, but I wasn't really.
Sometimes I did belong here, but I don't think I was hosting the Golden Globes and was like, I'm a fraud. I don't belong here.
I'm embarrassed. These people even have to listen to me.
These are all A-listers. Ralph Fiennes has to know my name.
Now my name is taking space up in Ralph Fiennes brain. Angelina Jolie had to like sit there and listen to me for nine minutes.
When you start thinking about things like that, you're like, who am I to beg for these people's attention? Even backstage, after I perform, I never really want to see the crowd because I feel like they will feel like they have to say good job if they don't want to. And then if they don't say good job, I'm like, what the fuck? You actually get great at delineating the difference between an obligatory good job and the real one.
Oh yeah. And now your standard of what a real one is becomes preposterous.
Yes. And there's almost nothing good enough that anyone can say.
I want to send you at some point. Someone sent me.
It's great. It's from Garrison Keillor.
And he talks about his faux humility. What a ruse it is, because not only does he want people to talk about him and think about him, but he actually wants them to kneel and pray to him as a sun god.
That's really what his ego desires. You just need to be a sun god or not even play the game.
Or nothing. Sun god or bust.
Please send that to me because it's so nice when you find that other people feel these exact same things that you feel so ridiculous feeling. I was backstage.
The next presenter would be backstage as well. You know, Nicolas Cage or Harrison Ford and I would stand at the bottom.
They're like, you need to go up the steps. You're introducing them.
And I go, I just want to stay down here because I don't want them to have to go. Oh yeah.
Good job. Like they can't say nothing.
They're going to feel obligated to say something. Even when I'm on stage, I won't look people in the eye because I feel like when you do, they have to go.
I don't want to coerce someone into saying good job. I want them to have to like go out of their way or because they want to.
I'm doing all those tabulations too. How exhausting.
So I, of course, got so many texts and it was like, did you see Stern? I was like, whoa, God, I really hope he didn't see it. Also, Dax is obsessed with Stern.
Like Stern is his idol. Okay.
I didn't realize that. I too went to watch and I was like, oh, this is fine.
But then I was annoyed because I was like, he actually doesn't do this. And now he's going to do it even less.
And I need him to do it. Exactly.
And I DMed her and I was like, hey, we really want to have you on. Also, Dax isn't the one asking people.
It's me. That's why the joke didn't work.
I got the sense that that's not how you operate at all. And why don't you operate that way? This is one of the biggest things you can be on.
Do you not realize that? Or do you just still feel like despite it, they still don't want to? It's my foundation. Single mother, three kids.
Everyone needs something. She doesn't have enough time.
The way you showed people you love them is to never, ever, ever be a drain on them them in any way whatsoever the way you would show love is to be completely self-sufficient and never need anything from you this is a big issue in my marriage which is she likes acts of service and i'm like me wanting you to do something for me to me reads as like i don't even love you or value you so i don't want to be a pain in the ass to anybody to a fault me needing things from you in favors. There's no way you would like me.
Everyone needs people. You guys, everyone needs favors.
And people like being asked for things. I like being asked.
I do too. So why do we think people are different than us? Listen, I don't want to pretend that I've made no movement on this.
I have. It started in a personal capacity where I'm really spinning out about something.
I'm just now learning to reach out to someone who's been through this and say like, hey, I'm going through this. What was your experience? People love that.
Yes. I love it too.
Everyone wants to be the sun god that people are asking advice to. Well, last night I was at the Grammys.
I feel like I don't belong there. I don't want people even noticing me to go like, why is she here? Even though I was nominated for a Grammy.
But I didn't win. I was so mad I didn't win only because I wanted to bring my Grammy to hold it to be like, I belong.
I just wanted to have a reason to be there. So I was being very small.
And then people were coming up to me, people I'm fans of. And my boyfriend had talked with me after we were just kind of doing a debrief afterwards.
He's like, I think you have to remember that you need to go up to people next time. You going up to someone will be the same gift as Olivia Rodrigo coming up to you.
Because that was like the biggest gift of my life was someone I admire so much coming up to me to say she was a fan. He was like, but you could go give that to people.
And I was like, I don't think of anyone thinking that they would want that from me. Did you talk to Taylor? I didn't.
Everyone wants a piece. I will never be the one to be like, excuse me ever.
It's almost rude what I do when I'm in the same room as Taylor Swift, because I won't even look her way. She's like tapping you on the shoulder.
It will take that because I just will never. And everyone goes, go up and say something to her.
There's no way that she's dying for that. And a night like this where everyone's doing it.
And of course she would be so nice. I know exactly how it would go down, but i don't want to take someone's energy away that i require their energy to be put into making great music i don't want her to make a less great song because she had to be like nice to meet you oh and like hold me as i'm crying give you the full swifty treatment tells me i can't bother her i generally after award shows get pretty depressed no matter what happens because i'm around all these famous people that I put on a pedestal and I kind of see the facade of it all and the desperation and they're all wearing uncomfortable clothes and have the fake hair in.

And I'm like, we're all clamoring to be noticed and a little bit disappointed when we're not.

It makes me a little bit sad because I'm like, no matter how big you get, you kind of worry about who's in the room, who's looking at you, where you're seated.

I kind of go through a depression afterwards. It's seen the magic trick a bit.
You realize, oh, there isn't any pixie dust. There is pixie dust.
There's magical moments where you're like, wow, that person's so talented. They're so amazing.
Just even watching Chapel Rhone last night, Sabrina Carpenter, Ray, who I had never heard of. But watching her was just transcendent.
Definitely musicians when they're doing their thing. And if you were watching the people in the room act, perhaps, but you're just seeing them not lit and not in a riveting drama.
And they're just people. The reason I brought up the thing is because I wanted to do a full circle.
And this is important to say, because I was a little annoyed and I was upset on your behalf and upset on my behalf because I was like, oh, yeah, it's going to be a problem for me. So Kristen is hosting the SAG Awards.
Oh, my God. Really? Yes.
And she hosted them in 2018. And that's when I was her producing partner and creative partner.
And so I wrote her monologue and I did all that stuff for her then. And so she asked me to do that this time.
So I went back to look at that original monologue. I kid you not, there is a joke that is about Marc Maron.
That Monica wrote. That I wrote.
We didn't have our show yet. That is literally the exact same joke.
I loved that show. My jaw dropped.
I had no memory of writing that joke. And also I was like, this joke is fine.
So that joke has to be fine too. Oh, that makes me feel so good.
It doesn't mean anything. And by the way, he killed his close up.
Kristen showed it to me. She's like, well, I mean, look at this.
We did the same thing. It's so funny.
That makes me so happy. I was like, I wrote this exact same joke.
I think that's, it's so nice to hear that because I think that happens all the time where people get mad about something and you've just done it before and no one will ever admit that they've done it before. But even when I get mad, everyone's such a hypocrite.
Not that you were. No, I was.
But unintentionally. I hope that got to you in our debrief as well, which is as I was listening to the monologue, panic that I was going to get made fun of.
I was doing a personal inventory and I was going, you have done this many times. I have been on Conan making fun of the cast of The Expendables because I had a movie coming out against them and they're easy targets and I can do all their accents.
Maybe Sly was at home bombed. It's hard for me to imagine that, but maybe because again, in that situation, I'm insignificant and I'm almost speaking in a vacuum.
These people won't really really hear me and i was on punked where we put celebrities in very rough situations and hopefully they acted poorly and at no point did i act like i was above that what i more was starting to feel was a kind of compassion for both of us that's really nice i want to get invited to the party and the way i got invited to the party was like yeah you can come to the party if you should these people on punk and I was like okay I'll do it and then you invited to the party. And the way I got invited to the party was like, yeah, you can come to the party if you shit on these people on Punk'd.
And I was like, okay, I'll do it. And then you get to the party and the people you shit on are there.
For years, I'm bumping into Timberlake and he hates my guts. And I'm like, don't you understand, buddy? I was like dead broke.
And that was my only chance. Oh my God.
So he replaces you from that. We've had him on and we talked it all through, but yeah, I would see him for years.
And it's like, yeah, that guy doesn't like me. And for good reason.

You forget these people have feelings.

And at Rose, I feel like everything's on the table because they've signed up for it. We should make a distinction because I heard you talking about it this morning.

Yeah.

And it's great.

You're like, Tom Brady's getting $25 million.

He has consented.

Yes.

Everyone that said yes to the Diaz.

They, am I saying it right?

Diaz?

The Diaz, yeah.

Everyone who says yes to Cameron Diaz.

Some of them are saying it wrong. Everyone says yes to her.
I go, is it the deus? And you go, yes, that's right. Deus.
I just want to give you what you want. Right back at you.
Ultimately, that's going to track throughout this episode. We have the same approach.
There is consent. I have been invited to so many of those rows and I'm like, I just don't have thick enough skin.
I'll just tell you, I can't handle it. Thank God.
I don't even think about what's going to be said about me when I say yes to the roast. I put it out of my head.
I did the Tom Brady one because it was like, Tom Brady, I got to do it. But the next roast that they threw at me, I was going to say no to because I was like, I'm too old now.
When I was 35, getting called old, it didn't hurt. Yeah.
I don't feel it. Not really.
But at 40, I kind of feel it and I'm starting to see it. I don't want anyone pointing out something about my face that I have to then go talk to someone about in an office and have them draw on me and stare into my eyes and fix it, which I've done and I continue to do.
I just don't want people to pay too close of attention. But then the Tom Brady roast, you go, oh good, I'm not the most famous person here, so there won't be that many jokes about me.
And that's how it ended up. But the next one, I feel like I'm a little bit more famous.
Bigger target. Yeah, bigger target next time.
So it's going to have to be someone really, really good. I'm not the most famous person here.
So there won't be that many jokes about me. And that's how it ended up.
But the next one, I feel like I'm a little bit more famous. Yeah.
Bigger target next time. So it's going to have to be someone really, really good for me to do it again.
It hurts a lot. I'm one of the only people who didn't watch the Tom Brady roast because I can't even enjoy watching it.
I just think of myself hearing that. I'm very sensitive.
I don't read any comments about myself. I've been sober from comments, which I think should be a thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think the general public has too many trolls in their comments, but if you're a celebrity.
You probably know your troll. If you're a civilian, you probably work with that person.
You should have blocked your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend ages ago. That's just a simple block, but I can post things now and not go back.
How many likes does it have? Because I just go, it's none of your business anymore and you don't get to read anything because I can't handle it. It will destroy me.
You almost need to be insecure to be funny in this way. The jock at my school never had a good burn on anybody.
And the prom queen didn't, not only did he not need it, he honestly couldn't empathize enough. He couldn't see other insecurities because he didn't have any.
You have to have them to be able to spot them in other people. Yes, that's so it.
When I write roasts, I'm like, what would I want not said about me? And how do I say that about someone else? Like, how do I find the thing about this person that they look in the mirror and hate about themselves? It's a horrible way to think, but I'm able to go there because I go there for myself. Yes, and you can smell it and your brain is really well tuned to it because you're constantly evaluating yourself.
And even we had Vince Vaughn on. He was saying at a certain age, he realized he had to stop burning people because it was the kind of burns that would ruin them for two years.
It's like, well, yeah, you know, he just could see it because he had them. I don't burn people unless I'm hired to do it.
Even the Golden Globes wasn't a burn fest because those people weren't signing up for a roast. So it was very gentle.
I think the worst thing I said was to Benny Blanco. Single one I didn't like.
You did. I wrote to Eric Andre, who I heard knows him, and he put us on a text chat together.
I sent him a voice memo of the joke and he said, I'm cool with it. Let me run it by Selena.
And so I got permission, but I would never have done that joke. I said, you know, Selena Gomez is here with Benny Blanco, her new fiance.
And Benny Blanco was here because of the genie who granted him that wish. That was the mean one.
That was probably the only one. I thought you did a great job.
I did not know that. I would have done that on a roast if he was on the dais.
He's just sitting there. He can't heckle me back.
He knows the rules. Kimmel actually gave me advice saying like, hey, reach out to people if you have a joke that you're a little bit worried about, because I just wouldn't have done it otherwise.
There's no way I would have risked making him feel uncomfortable. And even when I told him the joke, you kind of feel like, oh, but I presented like, by the way, I think you're awesome.
I think you're hot. I'm talking about a thing that I think you are aware of that I think you've even partaken.
And I've heard him in podcasts talk about him with Selena. I think Santino went hard on him once.
And so I think he was already aware. So I was a little bit nervous to even tell him it.
But if I would have not liked him and really felt that way, I don't think I would have been able to say it. I think she scored with him, to be honest with you.
I felt like it was a mutual thing. So it came from a good place.
But people show up at my shows wanting to be roasted. I don't really like roasting people on the fly.
It doesn't just come out of me. I don't just come at people without a reason to do it.
But I think that's not just because I don't want to hurt them. That's obviously a part of it.
But I just don't want them to retaliate. I was quiet in high school.
You don't want to get stabbed. Don't start a knife fight.
Well, you were picking Nikki in sixth grade. Thank you.
Nikki was picking her nose in sixth grade. Yeah.
And I got busted. Like a girl saw me and was like, why don't you stop picking your nose? You know where you could tell it was bothering her.
she's like, screams it. And so there were a lot of moments like that in school where I would be quietly doing something disgusting and then it would just annoy someone enough.
Like I was taking pencils from this kid. I never had my school supplies, not because my parents didn't provide it, but because I was just ADD.
So I was always borrowing pencils and paper from my friend Ray. He would always give it to me every single day.
He never did it. And it was almost like I was annoying him.
So one day I just took it. And I remember he saw me because I was like, you're going to give it to me.
And he was like, why don't you get your own pencil, you buck tooth beaver? Go in the woods and gnaw down a tree. Oh, my God.
And I had really messed up. My teeth were going out hard.
And the whole class heard. Even my teacher laughed.
Oh, no your teacher, she validated how good. I was like, but I still need lead.
I found some kind of inaccuracy in the joke. I was like, it's a false premise because pencils are more than just wood.
Anyway. And then I just learned just be invisible because people will call out why you're ugly.
And so I was quiet. This was fifth grade and seventh grade.
And then by the time I got to high school, I was invisible because I just didn't want the boys making a joke about me. What were your other things? It was teeth that it continues.
I still see weird things with them. You have perfect teeth.
Are they veneers? No, but I do a thing. Please, everyone listening, don't get veneers.
My friends who have done it regret it. If there is an apocalypse or something, your teeth will fall out and you will have nubs and you have no one to fix them.
Shark teeth. The nubs are disturbing.
They fall out. A lot of people doing it and getting approved to do it way too soon.
They're not trained properly. You know Monica was on the verge of getting them and it was like our biggest battle.
I'm so glad you did it. I did it.
Fucking perfect. Dude, Monica, if you want to fix anything with your teeth, the thing to do is you get what's it called? Composite.
Bonding. Because I had like a chip on this tooth and I was like, can you just fix that? They filled it in with a tooth colored thing.
And I was like, well, this tooth is kind of too far back. Can you just put tooth on top of it? Yeah.
Yeah. I was like, did I just make something up? Because I was going to have that tooth removed and a new one in.
But I just put tooth on top of it to make it even with the front one. I wonder if they could build out this leaner.
Build it up. Just put composite on.
It falls off every month or so, but you get put back. It's like an $80 copay.
It's way cheaper than veneers. Every month.
This is less painful. I haven't had bonding, but it falls out.
My dentist is currently trying to talk me into doing some fix-ups on the bottom here. And then he put the temporary one on there and he showed me the mirror.
I was like, oh, wow, it does look a lot better. I don't care about the bottom.
Yeah, so teeth, an issue an issue for sure having a tall forehead one time a guy that liked me and i didn't like him back was just like i just noticed your forehead goes on for a really long time and so that stuck with me and then i started seeing it didn't notice it before also hair falling out i was anorexic when i was 18 so a lot of it fell out then and then since then if a hair just gets caught on something and pulls out like in a clip i feel it all all day long. It's an OCD thing where I like feel the little spot.
And I look at the hair and I'm like, you weren't ready. I go like this hair has been with me through so much.
Like this was when I did the roast, like all my career moments. And I just go like, I can't believe it's just gone now.
And it's going to take so long to grow that all back. Everyone who does my hair knows if I go, they're like, they just stop.
I've gotten better about it because it's an irrational fear. And I often have my friends send me like, how much hair do you pull out in the shower? Will you just send me a picture? I need verification because it only pops up, by the way, when I'm stressed out.
It has nothing to do with the hair. You're looking at a haircut that is two days old that I gave to myself.
What? Really? Yeah, I cut my own hair, but it generally starts in periods of anxiety, which I've been having. So I started trimming, trimming, trimming.
You saw the progression. Anyone watching would see the progression.
It's a total tick till finally Sunday. I'm like, now we're shaving the sides.
Well, you do my boyfriends. That's a really good cut.
I love that cut. I was literally, I should have said it.
Damn it. I was literally going to take a picture of you later because it's good.
I'll send you a picture of my hair wall. I do a hair wall.
If you were my friend, I would never ask to see your hair wall because I can't compare it because you're allowed to lose bunches and bunches of hair. I lose so much hair.
Not to take anything from you. You can feel bad about losing hair too, but you don't deserve to.
No. I won't hear from you about it.
It's going to be hard to feel bad. I won't be sending you my hair wall.
That's a bitch to blow dry, right? The only time I ever blow dry it is if I'm getting it done. You don't have to because it air dries glossy.
So much volume. So good.
Anyone that's been hired by Herbal Essence to be a mermaid in a commercial for your hair. Yes.
That's the stamp of approval. I didn't mean to turn this into compliment city.
No, you know what? You're allowed to have something that is just fucking perfect. It's the only, okay, speaking of insecurities, it is the only thing I am secure about.
We're all allowed to have one. One? Yes.
Okay. I know you want me to say I love my boobs.
I hadn't noticed yet, but I was like, I think I can think of three things. My wife has given her many pieces of artwork that say I have perfect tits and great opinions.
Yeah. So are buying you those kinds of paintings i think you could have to listen say monica doesn't get naked very much but one time i was with her and she was changing and she took her bra off and her boobs went up oh my god chris is so funny she is great tits over there but you're not those? I'm proud of them when I'm naked, but I don't love it in clothes.
Got it. I'll agree with you.
When I have a bra that makes me look more stacked, I feel a little bit chunkier. Exactly.
It like distorts your body. It does.
Okay, I hear that. And then just, you know, body.
This week, it's my leg skin. I like saw some pictures from my tour that were backstage.
There's a crepiness starting. What is crepey? Like an old circus tent that's been weathered.
It's okay. It has to happen.
People can't lie to me and say it's not. My girl's chat is like, it's not.
I don't see it. And I go, look, and I give evidence.
We would say in the automotive world, if the paint is kind of orange peely. Is that what we're talking about? Picture like a wasp's nest.
Yeah. You know, that's like kind of like a saggy texture.
Droopy paper mache. Yes.
That kind of crepiness skin on the thigh. And then the skin above the knees is starting to fold over.
And there's like a deep line here that bothered me. Do they do knee tucks? I heard they do.
But then I'm looking at my schedule. I go, when am I getting a brow lift? When am I getting my knees done? My knees done.
I'm never going to get my knees done. I hope we get submissions from knee surgeons.
Please. The reason you were able to host the Golden Globes was you had cleared your schedule in January for a month to do some operative.
To do whatever Dr. Diamond told me would make me look like I hadn't done anything.
Yeah, so you had already kind of scheduled this little buffer in January and then got the call. I feel like that's very serendipitous.
It really was. I would have canceled anything for it, but it was nice that I didn't have to because I never take a break.
My vacation would have been just healing with like straws in my face. Have you seen the pictures of those flights home from Turkey? I want to fly there just to fly back with all those guys.
For anyone who's not seen it, please Google this. The flight there would be interesting too.
Yeah, 90 some percent of the passengers on these flights home from Turkey, the men are all bandaged up. They've gotten hair transplants.
I guess it's affordable there. And now they're all starting chin surgery too now.
Implants? Yeah, chin implants. In Turkey.
I don't know if they do it in Turkey, but that's the new male plastic surgery thing. Everyone's going to be doing it.
Like if you've seen some leading men starting to look a little bit more leading, that's probably what's happening because it's a subtle adjustment that makes face look more masculine. And that's kind of what it's trending towards.
There are nine-year-olds who are like mewing now to get that jawline. It's sad when men start to have the same insecurities that we've all dealt with as women for so long, but they've always been there.
We've always had them, but they're just evolving. For us, it was all like body and strength and Schwarzenegger and lifting weights and trying to be big and strong.
I'm still dealing with it, obviously. And you guys don't get makeup.
Yeah. You just have to be what you are.
So it makes sense why we're like, why do they just get to be who they are? Because they don't really have a lot of options. So they might as well accept themselves.
That's a great take. I just came up with it.
That's really good. Yeah.
When you're a dude and you look in the mirror and you go, that's that. Yeah.
End of story. We have too many options.
Yeah. I was even watching this and I'm like, God, my nose has gotten so bulbous.
I think most women would shade and it would not look bulbous. And I'm like, I'm not going to do that.
You can't. There would be options.
If you have a zit, you can't cover it. You just have to have a gaping wound and we get to stuff it with dirt clay and wonder why it keeps reinfecting and coming back.
Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. We are supported by Addy.
Addy, that's that little pink pill, right? Oh, it sure is. Addy is the number one doctor prescribed FDA approved treatment to get this, increase women's sex drive in certain premenopausal women who are bothered by low libido.
This is very important. Which brings up a really interesting conversation.
What do women want out of sex? I mean, it's different for men, right? Well, I'm not a man, so I guess I can't really speak to that. But for women, it's definitely about pleasure and orgasms, of course, but it's really more about the intimacy.
Like being really excited about the person. Yes, totally.
Yes. Be so into someone that you're like, let's do this.
I want this. That's a good feeling.

Well, apparently there's a lot of women out there who struggle with low libido, but there's not enough honest conversation about it. Yeah.
And women should know that there are options out there and we shouldn't be embarrassed to talk about it and get help. No way.
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See full PI and medication guide, including box warning, at addy.com slash PI. At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me.
And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours.
Something you possess is lost or stolen. And ultimately, you triumph in finding it again.
So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up.
They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.
You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. What if your mind could trick your body into feeling sick or even worse? In Hysterical, I investigate the bizarre medical mystery that unfolds in a high school in upstate New York.
It starts with one girl developing strange, violent symptoms, and then another, and then another. Rumors begin to swirl.
Is it something in the water, inside the school, or is it all in their heads? Hysterical is my search for answers, and along the way, I uncover surprising connections to unexplained incidents around the world, events that challenge everything we think we know about our bodies and our minds. Named Podcast of the Year at the Gambies, Hysterical is a mind-bending, unforgettable ride.
Binge all episodes right now, exclusively and ad-free on Wondery+. Start your free trial of Wondery+, in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.
Lamont Jones' world is shattered when his cousin dies in custody just weeks after entering prison. The official report says natural causes, but bruises and missing teeth tell a different story.
From Wondery comes Death County PA, a chilling true story of corruption and cover-ups that begins as one man's search for answers, but soon reveals a disturbing pattern. Lamont's cousin's death is just one of many, and powerful forces are working to keep the truth buried.
With never-before-heard interviews and shocking revelations, Death County PA pulls back

the curtain on one of America's darkest institutional secrets. This isn't just another

true crime story. It's happening right now.
Follow Death County PA on the Wondery app or

wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Death County PA early and ad-free

right now by joining Wondery Plus. That sucks for men with acne that they don't have makeup, even though we look like it's like a little anthill.
Yeah, you can still see it. But it's preferable.
I used to pick up my skin because when I was malnourished and had anxiety, it was just open sores around my face. I used to be bulimic too.
That's why I quit throwing up. Like, thank God it was a vanity thing because I was sick of cleaning toilets.
And I was also sick of having mouth acne that I would pick at. I would be nervous backstage before going on.
Pick at it. I could feel it bleeding because I'd do the check.
And I'm like, oh my God, there's blood. I'm walking with blood.
Then I put something on it to like cake it up. And I'm like, okay, I hope it stays.
And then you walk out and you're like, good evening, Milwaukee. And you smile in a way, it's like crack.
And it just starts running down your face. It would happen so often.
Thank God acne is behind me in my life. That was a huge struggle for a really long time.
And seeing my sister never have to deal with- How much younger is she? She's 18 months younger, but perfect silky, thick hair. Never had to get braces.
Born with straight teeth, veneer teeth. Never had acne.
Yeah, but does she have a good personality? She does. No.
Like, she doesn't even know she's hot. Like, she could have been a model, actress, all these things.
And she's just like, yeah, she's pretty amazing. I don't know if she's content.
That's good. She's like a mom of three, just making it work.
She's a teacher. She was a teacher.
She actually stopped teaching and now she's having. Okay.
That's a lot of stress. She taught for 10 years Spanish in our old high school and she was great at it, but it was just too hard.
She has insecurities just like everyone else, but I had a rough time growing up with that. Was she outgoing? She was much more popular than I was.
The boys in my grade liked her and had crushes on her. She'd be the type of girl that I'd have all my girlfriends over and my sister would come in and talk to us and then my sister would leave and they'd all go oh she's so pretty a reaction that i would never get just that kind of thing of like wow

that's what i want just strangers telling my mom that this child should model and then i'm just

standing there rude things and i was just sensitive so i picked up on it like that's your value and i

don't have it and so just really resenting that i was born not as pretty as i could have been my

parents dna made that why did it fuck up this way i used to yell at my mom be like you knew there was

Thank you. And I don't have it.
And so just really resenting that I was born not as pretty as I could have been. My parents DNA made that.
Why did it fuck up this way? I used to yell at my mom and be like, you knew there was ugly in your family tree. And you risked it with me.
And she's like, you shut up. She would be so mad at me.
But I used to get really venomous about how mad I was. And people saying, you look nothing like your sister.
Like that over and over. Always getting told I look like my dad, which no matter how hot your dad is.
Yeah, you don't want to hear it. You never want to hear you look like your dad.
I see it now and I'm like, okay, I'll take it because he's a gangly guy and you saying your hair is the thing. My legs I used to be really insecure about because they're more muscular and my sisters were just model thin.
But now I love my legs. I get a lot of compliments on it and people are like, what do you do for them? And I'm like, it's just my dad's legs.
Like I just got lucky and it made me realize that so much of what i resent women for having is just same as my legs of like i didn't do anything for them i just was born with this and i just got lucky in this one i have a dad bod for having my body it gave me some perspective of when i attribute perfection onto people i shouldn't hate that girl for being hot she didn't mean to be she didn't choose it it's not her fault none of us. Just got it.
No one went to the store and picked it out. And that's what I like to remember when I'm feeling ugly is like, Nikki, okay, so there's a lot of action going on when you wiggle your arm.
The other day I looked at my arm in the mirror. I just saw straight on and it looked like a scrotum hanging a ball sack.
And my friends are like, no, it doesn't. And I sent them a picture and they were all quiet afterwards.
Like they couldn't say no. It does.
And that's okay. But I was like, if I could snap my fingers and not have that, I would.
Clearly, I'm not choosing this. It's not my fault.
Why do I have to feel like I failed in some way or I'm a bad person? I didn't choose this. I wouldn't want this.
Yes, there's probably exercises I could do to make it go away, but I don't have time for them. That doesn't make me a bad person.
I just get wrapped up in all the things I should be doing. You can afford a facelift.
Why aren't you getting one? You can afford this laser treatment. Why aren't you doing it? Even the more money you make and the more opportunities you have to have avenues to look hotter, you don't do them.
You feel like you're failing in some way. And I hate that feeling.
It's wholly unfair, which is I think I had all the same feelings you did growing up, but I had the freedom as a dude to go, yeah, that's not going to be your thing.

And girls, thank God, did date guys largely because of how confident they presented and how funny they were.

And so that is the great injustice.

I was able to transcend it in some way.

Not that I ever fell in love with how I looked.

I just was like, oh, we're not going to think about this anymore.

And we're going to just do this other thing. And that's going to work.
Yes. That's a gift of being a dude.
Decreasingly so, I think. Yeah, decreasingly so.
Yes. Thank God it's evolving.
But in the 80s, I could kind of make that proclamation. Well, because the men and boys did the choosing back then.
But that's why I think it's changing. Because now girls, women all of us, ladies, we are, you know, more educated, like more educated, more things than sex objects.
Exactly. And so I don't have to just say yes to your proposal.
And it used to just be like, oh, this guy is asking me out. I guess I have to say yes.
You're waiting to be asked. Yeah, that's a really good point.
There's a ton of stuff going on. There's like evolutionary stuff.
There's how the society has run for the previous 300 years. A guy that was confident and had a good personality was going to probably achieve high status because he would be able to do that through work.
He was super smart. So he would be able to climb the status rung.
Whereas for women, the status rung wasn't fully available for anything other than being gorgeous. Who could make the most babies for the village? Who could watch the pot boil? Who could take care of the kids? It all leads itself to do they have the hip to waist ratio that suggests they can carry more children? You want to get mad and think it's so vapid for men to assess us that way.
And yeah, I appreciate you saying it's because I was a man and I was able to shift like that. I never arrived.
I was like, I just have to keep pursuing being hot or talented in some way, which I wasn't talented. That was the other thing I didn't find because I wasn't able to get big and loud and funny because I didn't want people to go, well, you're also ugly.
That wasn't an option to be big. So I just waited till I found a talent and I didn't have one until I started stand-up comedy.
Literally tried everything. that was really frustrating.
Do you think you were just biochemically anxious? What led to, do you think, the annex? It sounds like you had pretty good parents. I have the greatest parents imaginable.
I think it's, I had a mom that just never liked the way she looked and was never pretty, never thin enough, but I was really tuned in with celebrity culture. So all that stuff got in.
I wanted to be famous. So it's like, I need to look like Paris Hilton, Jennifer Aniston.
Yeah, I want to go there. And you have to look a certain way to go.
Yeah, there's no option. But is it because you wanted to be famous so that if you were, that's the world telling you you are hot.
Not even hot. I'm very uncomfortable when someone's like lusting for me.
I want the approval that comes with it outside of someone actually putting anything in me. Yeah, attractive.
I just want people to be like, I want to be her.

I guess that's what I want.

Oh, that's so embarrassing to admit.

No, we all, no.

I used to want that.

My parents, we love watching TV.

I wanted to be on TV.

I wanted to be seen by them in that way

and be like, wow, that's extraordinary.

I'm an Enneagram three,

so my worth is determined by if I am extraordinary.

I do things that people go, holy shit,

how could she do that?

I was always like looking for that in terms of looks. I felt like that was the only way to achieve that.
I was a fine actress, but just didn't get cast in things in high school and was like, that's the only way to be on TV is to act. And so audition for theater school, didn't get into any and was like, what am I going to fucking do? I've said this before.
I was like, I'm just going to have to kill myself someday because that is a failed life. If my only dream in life is to be on TV and be a personality, like a performer, and I don't do it and I just have to watch people do it forever, I'll eventually have to kill myself.
And that sucks. Oh, I have to do that someday.
It was kind of like a thing I have to do someday. Like, oh, it's not now, but soon.
Is Boulder. You did it when you were 18 for the first time.
Yeah. And you're only at Boulder for a year.
Yeah, a year. The first thing I was really good at was not eating.
That was the first thing that I was like, whoa, talk about getting confidence from something. Because this just came to me a couple of months ago when I was trying to think about what led me to do that and why did I stick with it and why did I get such a rush from it? Because when you're coming up in diet culture in the 90s and early 2000s, being able to not eat is maybe the best superpower imaginable for a woman.
Every person around me is trying not to eat the brownie, not having dressing on the salad. And I have no problem doing that.
I get high from it. I struggled with my weight earlier on and was trying diets.
I was never fat, but needed to drop probably 10 or 15 pounds. I worked at a pizzeria and just ate too much and stopped playing field hockey and stuff.
So I got a little bigger and people were starting to notice. So I tried stuff to lose weight.
It was hard. I remember being like, I wish I could get anorexia, the same joke that most women make.
And then it happened because I got nervous about a boy who liked me. I had been really scared of boys and sex and I hadn't kissed a boy.
It was my senior year of high school. I think I'd kissed one boy and it was a truth or dare thing.
So it didn't count. It was a guy I really liked for so long.
I won a date with him because I rigged a singled out type contest at our school where I had my friends tell me who to pick because I wanted to pick this guy, Mike. And so I had them kind of do a signal to me of like who to eliminate.
So I got a date with him and then he seemed to want to go on this date that I won for this charity school thing. We had like a date planned and I was so nervous about it.
I just couldn't eat that day. And that shows up quickly on me and my face.
And someone said something the next day that was like, you look great. And it was a girl whose opinion about me meant so much and I was still nervous.
And so I just kept going as long as I could. And then it was just, let's just never eat again.
I was just too young to understand this isn't going to work forever. So this is the fun kind of overlap with Monty.
Monty had this very specific event in her life. Oh yeah.
Dairy Queen. I was in sixth grade and a boy said he couldn't date me.
He liked me, it seemed, but he couldn't date me because my parents worked at Dairy Queen. They didn't work at Dairy Queen, but a lot of Indian people worked at Dairy Queen.
So he couldn't date me because I was Indian. So then that was obviously the moment where I was like, oh, so no one can date me.
That's a fundamental thing about me. That's a no for people.
He represents everyone. Everyone.
Because why wouldn't he? You're in sixth grade. Because you liked him.
And I liked him. Yeah.
You know, this was like the people I like don't like this about me. So this is going to be a fun life.
His parents worked at Culver's. Was it a Capulet Montague's thing? They worked at a Foster's.
It was a competition. That seems like a white castle.
Did you even say like, but they don't. Did you protest it at first or did you know what it meant? He didn't say it to my face.
He said it to a friend. A friend was like, why don't you ask Monica out? Oh, this is important.
He said, I would, but. So it's not like, I just don't like her.
It's like, I would, but I can't because she's Indian, basically. And not because she's Indian.
Like, I don't like the culture. That would make me feel different, probably.
You know, that's the subtext. Oh, my God.
Is that stay with you to this day? I am fucked up for life from that one thing. Her thing, to paraphrase it, was any boy she would like wouldn't like her because she was Indian.
So she shifted to being in love with people. She knew that issue would never present itself.
So it was Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. Oh, you never have a chance with them.
Yes, exactly. It's like they're so unavailable.
So they can't reject me. Yes.
I'm picking the quarterback of the football team when I'm a sophomore. You never even have an interaction.
Just unavailable men. You can never get rejected by them.
Yeah. Does this go on for you now? Now, really, I'm just like, if it falls into my lap, that's great.
I do so little pursuing of dating, but still it's because rejection is still so horrific for me. It's not worth it.
I understand being that guarded because it can destroy you for decades. Without it, I'm good.
I'm thriving. Am I? I don't know.
Yeah. Obviously, people have asked you out through this.
When you're pursued, do you feel like they're flawed in some way for liking you? 100%. Yeah.
They have bad taste. Yes.
I get it. Totally.
I need someone with good taste. So we're in a bad cycle here.
Oh my God, you're so wrong. Like you are such a prize.
My boyfriend, I've been with him for like 13 years off and on. And I'm not even joking you.
It was just this past May that I accepted that he has great taste and he likes me and I have to trust that. Yeah.
And he chose me. I didn't trick him in any way and that I am really spectacular.
It only was this last May. And that's why I liked him for so long too was because I thought I was winning him over.
He was better than me. So it takes forever, but I think just one day you'll get it.
I have no doubt. What happened in May? We were breaking up, but it was funny because I was doing it in public so it wouldn't get too heated.
I just didn't want it to end on us yelling. Not that we're yelly people, but I felt like it could go that way.
And I just didn't want it to go on too long, but then the restaurant closed. And so we didn't have time to break up and we were supposed to go to a concert right after this.
So we still go to the concert because we're in this nebulous stage of it seems like it's ending. But at the dinner when we're breaking up, I go, I'm bored.
And he was like, okay, but you're one of the most boring people I've ever met. This was the week right after the roast, by the way, when I was one of the most Googled people on the earth.
So it was kind of funny to me that he said that because I'm like, that's not my insecurity. I kind of laughed when he said it.
I know what he meant because I don't like doing things. I'm kind of like a homebody and I don't really like socializing too much.
I don't like outdoor activities and sports and he likes all those things. And I'm always insecure about not liking that stuff because my mom's like that and my dad is a really big go-getter and my dad always punished my mom for that unintentionally, but made her feel bad about, you just like to sit on the couch and watch TV and nap.
And why don't you ever like to do anything? And I always was like, I don't want to be like that, but I am like that. But Chris said to me, you're one of those boring people alive.
By the way, if you're bored, it's because you're boring, that old trope. And he said to me, even though you're boring, I accept that about you.
I'm never going to throw that in your face. I'm never going to make you feel bad about not wanting to do things.
And for whatever reason, I don't know if it relates exactly to realizing I'm lovable, but it does because I was like, I can't change the fact that I like to lay on the couch and watch TV and be on my phone. I've always felt guilty about that.
And I always felt like he was going to at some point just get fed up and he should be with a girl who likes hiking and likes jet skiing and likes to go meet people and talk to the waiter about how their weekend was. He deserves that.
And I used to say that to him. He's like, stop saying that.
And he's like, I don't want that. And I just trusted him for the first time.
Like he's not going to use it against me like my dad has with my mom. Well, what's really sad is it's all self-fulfilling prophecies.
You're almost forcing him to leave you. I was because he loves me unconditionally.
And I just felt like there were some conditions that I was holding back that once he finds this thing out, they were yours, though, which is crazy. And I've since let him know those conditions.
And he's just like, yeah, I know you smoke weed sometimes and hide it from me. He's like, you're not tricking anyone.
And by the way, I know I told you I quit smoking weed, but like I do. And he's like, you're not hiding it.
Well, I've noticed. I just figure it's your thing.
I don't need to be involved to be involved it doesn't seem to be ruining your life the whole time I'm thinking I can't believe I'm hiding this thing from him I feel so bad we still don't talk about it that's the thing I'm trying to figure out a way to work on stage because pot smoking for me is like this thing I can't quite let go of in my life that I come back to and I feel oh it's not great for my life but it's not too bad so I have a lot of guilt about it and I don't tell him when i do it and sometimes i'm around him and i'm a little high and he doesn't seem to notice and maybe he does but he doesn't confront me maybe he doesn't care yeah maybe not he used to in the past i think and that's why i have it in my head because he's broken up with me over it before because i was like i want to be someone who gets high before a fleetwood mac concert and he's like when are we going to fleetwood mac i'm like i don't know if we're like at a wil show. I just want to be able to like smoke a joint that someone passes me.
He's like, I don't know this person because it wasn't who I am. I was just trying to push him away.
But anyway, I was thinking about it. I'm like, am I allowed to do this thing that I don't need to tell him I'm doing every time, even though I feel guilty about it? I don't tell him every time I shit.
As far as he does, I don't shit. I close the door every time.
We don't talk about any of my issues in that area. Maybe it's that, but I'm rationalizing it.
This may be helpful. We had this incredible

sex therapist on Alexander Katahakis. She was incredible.
And my question was, should people

who have been sexually abused who now desire, for lack of a better word, some kind of kinky sex,

should they feel guilty? It's not their fault. And if that's what they enjoy, and she goes, no,

it's totally fine. And there are a lot of sexual abuse survivors who will be in like subdom

I'm honest on a podcast he doesn't listen to? But he could listen to. Yeah, he and my wife could bump into each other and have no idea this conversation took place.
Exactly. All the places I talk about it openly, he doesn't listen, but he could.
Like, it's there. We've talked about it in therapy and I've cried about it because he doesn't want to know.
Why is it bad? He's never had any drug in his life. He's never drank.
He's never done anything. It's not even a Christian thing.
It's a control thing. He noticed his friends being drunk and he's like, I don't want to look like that.
And so he just never did. And I think it's a little bit of the D.A.R.E.
program. There's a reefer madness type of like you're a loser a little bit.
He doesn't want a girlfriend hitting a bong. It's dirty.
But there has to also be a little bit of the fact that you had a problem drinking. And that is what he would say.
Nikki, why don't you say that part to them? Right. Which, of course, I'm going to be deeply interested in because I don't drink either.
Do you have a weed issue? Have you ever? No. Have I? Yeah.
Leading up to a big relapse. Right.
It was a tricky one and I can relate to everything you're saying because alcohol is cut and dry for me. It's black and white.
I have a drink on Thursday night. You will see me Sunday and I will have gotten Coke and all these things will happen.
Very predictable. There was some period where a gummy, I don't know.
I go to sleep. I sleep better.
There's no wreckage. There's no out of control in this.
I don't crave it like the other stuff I crave. And then having been clean and sober for 16 years and going, and I also don't like that I would need anything.
Yeah. Right.
So I know the racket. What's that? You need that? Nicotine.
But I am at total peace with this. There's no secrecy.
I love that you're holding it out because I could be friends with people for years and I'll see a dude with it. I go, when did that start? Years.
They can hide it so well. So there's a shame around this stuff.
If I'm hiding, there's something to be looked at. If I can't do it out in public, then that's kind of my clue that I need to get comfortable with one or the other.
Not do it or I got to just own it. And then people around me, I guess I'll trust to tell me, I just can't have the zone where it's like, I have a secret because then you can't even evaluate the thing because actually you're evaluating your feeling of having a secret, not even your feeling of using weed.
The way that I was able to stop smoking as much weed once was to, when I did it, you know, I was smoking during COVID it's dirty and it felt bad these are like crack pipes yeah they're the same I one time went out before a set on Hollywood Boulevard to smoke a little pipe and I turn around and a homeless man we have the same pipe it's the same green color like we're both blocking the wind hoping no one sees you yeah it was a real eye-opener and I kept doing it for months after that. But if I just go, I need this, you know, it's bad, but you're not a bad person and you're doing your best.
I don't think you can even evaluate what the weed is until you detach the secret from it. The pit of disapproval and angst is more about the secret.
You're right. Because when I'm honest about what weed does for me, it's the one thing I still have guilt over in terms of all my addictive behaviors.
I was like, what does it give me? To be honest, it just gives me instant relief from depression, from suicidal thoughts. And it medicinally offers that to me in a short term.
It can sometimes backfire and I say a dumb thing or I wouldn't do it before something like this. And I have in the past.
I think it's a harder one to evaluate for people because it doesn't have the kind of wreckage that other stuff does.

You get DUIs, you fucking smack your friend,

you fall down in an elevator and pee your pants.

None of that stuff happens.

That's the tricky part of it.

It picks me up out of a depressive state,

like almost nothing else I've ever found can.

Alcohol used to, but it's so obviously sloppy.

But weed, I can function.

No one calls me out for it.

People don't really notice. I can see it, and I'm sure people do notice it affects me being smart and funny, but then sometimes it makes me smarter and funnier.
What if you're the third smartest and funniest and not the second or first or the 12th? No, see, that's an unacceptable, but it's- You're Taylor Swift of comedy. That's the only thing I've ever wanted to hear in my life.
You are. Women love you.
The amount of people have asked us to have you on the amount of people that had seen. Someday you'll die.
Someday you'll die. I talk about you in that, by the way.
I know. And I hope you don't think that's an ugly joke because I want to be very clear about that because I say that I'm a rangy broad in terms of my looks.
If I have enough makeup, I can look like Kristen Bell, but my boyfriend every day wakes up to Dak Shepard. That's a woman looking like a man joke, but you are a hot guy.
So I felt like I could say that and not hurt your feelings. Yes, of course I watched it because I am narcissistic enough to know if there's a joke that has me in it.
I'm certainly going to find out. Was it the thing I'm fearing? And I thought I didn't care at all.
I took it as a dude joke. Yeah.
Okay. Because as you were saying this stuff before, I'm like, oh my God, that other joke.
But he interpreted because it wouldn't even occur to me that you could. But I'm glad you did it.
Yes, I watched it. I thought it was a great special, but I just want to say so many people had immediately taken to our comments.
That's when I had the sense, oh, Nikki's really, really huge. There's some connective tissue with you and Taylor in that you have worked your fucking ass off.
You decided I'm going to be this thing, whether you think I'm going to be it or not. Bad news.
I'm stubborn and I'm going to be this thing. There's something very relatable.
And I think people can see themselves in you. I see how my oldest daughter, the gift Taylor Swift has given my family when I watch the women in my life, the impact that she has on them, how she can make them feel in the confidence in the Jubilee.
It's such a crazy gift. It's awesome.
And it's because in some way you could be her. I mean, you can't, but also you can.
Taylor had something to prove. Even showing up on the scene, coming out as a country artist and then making it into pop music and winning album of the year for Fearless.
And then people saying like other people wrote that. And she's like, well, the next album I'm going to write all by myself and look how great it great it does she definitely is inspired by people doubting her I wish someone would have told me earlier on whenever someone's like what would you tell your younger self any young people listening or any people with kids listening if your kid isn't good at something right away like a natural please know and you might not even know this because I don't think I would have known this as an adult had I not experienced it and I think we all hear this but we't let it sink in.
The difference between great and good is just hard work. Someone can be great and some people are just naturals, but mostly anyone can reach those levels.
If you just work hard enough, you can catch up to anyone who in high school is the quarterback. Just work hard enough and you can be Tom Brady.
That was all work. He put it.
I just wish someone would have told me that. Cause I always thought growing up, it was like, you either got it or you don't.
I was just reading a book called The Anatomy of a Breakthrough because I just felt stuck. After the Golden Globes, I took a month off and was just like, how do I even write again? I don't even know.
It has really been helping me. There's this one part about the guy that Ray Solo climbs.
I haven't seen that movie because it just makes my legs feel weird even thinking about him. But reading about how when he approaches a climb, everyone's like, what if you don't do that? He's like, I've done it so many times before with the ropes that there's no chance anything bad will happen.
There's no room for error. And if the wind is off that day or that temperature or there's rain or I'm feeling weird, it won't happen.
It's so practice that it can't go wrong. And I realized, oh my God, I totally free soloed the Globes and the Tom Brady roast, which I didn't't even intend to I was just like oh let's just do the set as many times as you can to try out which jokes are best I said the Globes monologue so many goddamn times that it was locked in and people are like are you nervous and I was like no because it's like just one other time it's just one other time there's no room for error I don't like doing things that are room for error that's why I don't That scares the shit out of me.
Crowdwork is a struggle for me. I need to know it'll go the way I want it to.
Sure. So I'm a control freak as well.
And I was very OCD as a kid and lots of tics. And I have a lot of control things.
But I love these zones where I surrender to no control. It's so pleasurable because I'm fucking strangleholding so much of life.
My routine and my schedule is psychotic and sadistic. And so when I have these pockets, these things I can do where I actually surrender to it, it's bliss.
Do you have anything in your life? I know that sexually I like baby girl style stuff. Oh, tell me what's baby girl.
You know, the movie baby girl where she likes to be talked to like a dog trained, like good girl, that kind of stuff. Like kind of a submissive.
Yes. Not that I'm a hypersexual person anymore.
Things are changing hormonally, but things that I've been into and things that I watch, it's the girls out of control. She's not telling anyone what to do.
She's being told what to do. So I find it there, but I'm trying to think of any other, doesn't pot sort of do that? Oh my God.
You're so right. Because sometimes just because I want to feel adrenaline, I'll smoke before I go on stage.
Cause I'm like, you got to try, bitch. Like you can't go on autopilot.
You got to think about what you're doing. You're high.
Are you going to remember even what you're talking about right now to finish this sentence? You said you smoke pot to give yourself anxiety, which I found interesting. Yeah, I like anxiety.
I think you might too. Do you? I like being awake.
Yes being awake. Yes, and that's why I like the chaos because it brings me to a level I can't reach normally.
Improv, like you're saying, the element of failure is so present that a new zone of my brain wakes up. I get the extra dopamine and adrenaline and norepinephrine and all this stuff.
I can access a part of myself, the survivor in me. And I love it.
I love being like, oh my God, I don't know the end of this joke. And I'm telling it right now.
Is it going to come to me? Yes. The craziest moment of my life.
I don't even like to think about it. You know, you have those moments where it's like near death moments.
You don't even like to think about when you almost walked in front of a train or something because you're like, oh, it was at the I heart awards or something. And Usher was hosting and he pulled me up to dance, which was really awkward.
It was got like last on dancing with the stars a really deep insecurity of mine is that i can't dance and so i just don't like to be forced and with usher like the best dancer in the world and it was in front of machine gun kelly and i remember megan fox is sitting next to him and they're all kind of watching this awkward thing and i brought as my date my dancing with the stars partner who had seen me fail already and i'm dancing in front of him. I'm trying to get some kind of control back in this narrative of dancing and I'm just thrust into this.
And Usher was singing a song right before it. It was a Michael Jackson song.
I just didn't know the words to. Everyone else seemed to and he put the mic in my face.
Oh no! Usher, if you would have given me one of your songs, I would have nailed it but I don't know this obscure... It was to me a beat prayer.
that already happened. This is not live on TV, but it's the whole audience.
It was at the Dolby or something. It's thousands of people.
And it's kind of after the show and Usher is just dancing. And so I had to do this awkward dance.
And then I was like, Usher, can I just have the mic? I just need to do one thing I'm good at, which is talking into a mic. So I was like, can I just say how embarrassing that just was? I got last on Dancing with the Stars.
I did my Dancing with the Stars bit. I always say on Dancing with the Stars, I got first voted off.
And I say in front of my dance partner, Gleb Sevchenko, who is as hot as his name is, disgusting. And so I have my bits.
I wasn't trying to make it about me. I was just trying to get a couple jokes in.
And I go, everyone in the audience, I want you to know what I'm feeling right now. The thing you're worst at in the world that has been determined on ABC that you are terrible at.
And you have to do it in front of Usher. And I go, Machine Gun Kelly.
And I forgot Megan Fox's name. As I'm saying Machine Gun Kelly, I'm going, and it was probably to me, 20 seconds of like, what is her? And at the last second, it just Megan Fox, but it was so close.
And I go, what would have happened had I not remembered? That's why I can't fucking just riff. Like, I can't be trusted.
It's like your life flashes before your eyes. I'm not remembering Megan Fox's fucking name.
But thankfully it came out. But one of those moments.
You're always putting yourself in bad situations. Have you though? Risky.
Even last night, yeah. How about this? I did a live show for a Formula One podcast I had.
It was a disaster. We have done many, many live shows and they go great.
They're so fun. We did this one in Vegas, a bunch of drunk people.
No one knew who the fuck we were. It was terrible.
And we had to do a full hour. That's what we were hired to do.
And I, at least at this age and having done enough stuff, about 10 minutes into it bombing, I go, oh, this is great. This is going to be so memorable for all of us.
That's what I learned from the corporate gig I did in October. That was the worst I've ever bombed in recent memory.
Tell us that. It was more money than I've been offered for a gig ever.
You know, can't turn it down kind of money. You said that it looks like a telephone number.
It looked like a phone number. And I was like, yeah.
And I even think I said, this doesn't seem ideal because it was for a vague hedge fund, not even a hedge fund. It's like a group.
It was like a conference for rich people to go and do fireside chats and just different activities to learn how to destroy the earth and profit from it. And it was just a bunch of media moguls, but I didn't read the fine print.
I was just like, yeah. And then it shows up way sooner than I thought.
It was like, oh, well, that's in October. I think I said yes to it in August.
That seems forever. And then it was like the day before I hadn't done anything for it.
I had shows all weekend. I just was like, I'll just write some jokes right before it.
So it was underprepared for sure. And then I'm trying to memorize all the jokes that I'm writing before.
And cause I saw it going bad because they sent me a picture of the setup and it's on a beach and it's in the round people don't realize it's so important for comedy you need a ceiling you need dark in the room so people can laugh at inappropriate things and not feel like their co-workers or their peers or their wife is gonna be like you relate to that or you think that so they need to be in the dark stand-up comedy I think shouldn't be a surprise I don't think anyone's ever excited about a stand-up comedian coming in at the end of a long day it was like 9 30 at night before the dj they just wanted to get drunk and get loose the end of the long day of all these meetings and they're like and we have a special guest and i'm doing an hour comedy should really never go more than 40 minutes and kevin hart's there but he just has to do a fireside chat i actually ran into one of the guys that was at the show at the Golden Globes party. And he was like, I was there.
Or no, he was like, I booked you. He's the guy that booked me.
He's like, I want to have you back because we didn't nail it for you. It wasn't good.
I'm sorry. I did the same thing.
You were saying, I want the redo for the story. Cause now I told the story of this gig on Kimmel and it made it all worth it.
This would have just been a thing I never remember. You would never be telling this story if it went well.

And I wouldn't have grown from it.

Now I can accept those gigs and not have fear

because I know what needs to go into them to do well.

So Kevin Hart was there.

I say hi to him before it.

And I'm like, this is going to be bad.

Don't watch.

He's like, no, I'm going to stay.

By the end of it, he was gone.

Because I was like, let me do some Kevin Hart roast jokes

I didn't do at the Tom Brady roast.

And he was long gone.

I walked Kevin.

What's his name?

The host of The Bachelor was there.

The one that was canceled. Chris Harrison was there for some reason.
He didn't say hi afterwards. It was so lonely.
You have to walk through the crowd. If it would be nice to just go backstage and they literally, after I said goodnight, couldn't hold the applause.
The stage was as big as this table. I just stepped two feet.
And by the time I hit the sand, the pause was over. And then it was just crunch, crunch, crunch through the sand.
My heels just digging in. I don't mind if an audience actively doesn't like me or is like, that joke's inappropriate.
Cause I'm like, I know it's not. And you're just uptight and you need some kind of identity, which is to be offended.
And I can come at you. But when they're just like embarrassed for you, they're right.
When you can feel it. And the pity, the guy at the party was like, well, I will say you were doing jokes about molesting your nephew.

And I go, wait, no, no, no, no.

I did it about the idea of molesting.

And he was like, what's the fucking difference?

And I go, well, there is one.

It's nuanced.

I go, you're so right.

The material was so inappropriate for that event.

But that's what my act is right now.

So next time I do these gigs, I would love to do them.

But I want to be hired to roast the people.

And then I will have a plan.

I won't have to go into my dumb act.

Stay tuned for more armchair expert. If you dare.
Okay. I want to go to two things before we wrap up because you've given us a lot of time already.
Oh my God. I could see her you went to 22 taylor's shows on the eras tour yeah so jealous and you have this history i don't know we can do thank you like a really short you can take that i went once i took my 11 year old to lisbon and it was the greatest oh my god fun but you did 22 and you have this history and this is one second because i wasn't even aware of in some BuzzFeed thing, you made fun of her in some capacity and ended up in the doc.
Now, I saw the doc and I loved it. And I don't remember that part at all.
I'm so glad. I did some interview ages ago.
But when I get jealous, I think mean things. I was really into her at the time and I just saw the friends she kept.
I was like, oh, I don't fit in there. So I just said something about how she just has model friends and commented about her size too.
And then in the documentary it comes out, she was struggling with eating issues, which you have as well. Which I had already been through in my life.
But at the time I was also not in recovery for eating stuff. So I got myself to a good place weight wise that no one would know I had food issues, but I was still chasing that.
And I wasn't good at it anymore looking like that. I couldn't do it.
And so I res resented it I mouthed off on a thing that I thought no one would hear which doesn't excuse it because now I know it gets out and it ends up in her documentary and I felt just so bad not because I'm busted people know I'm mean or something it was just she saw that maybe she wouldn't have seen it had it not ended up in the doc but she definitely saw her own documentary like she's seen me say. And that's the person I like the most in this world that brings me the most joy.
I made them maybe feel sad. Couldn't handle it.
I heard you say that you were unable to listen to her music. Yeah, it was embarrassing.
If you have a bad run in with someone or you make someone uncomfortable. They remind you of your fuck up.
Yes. And you haven't made any amends.
I was like, you don't deserve her music. You hurt her.
You contributed to her wanting to go away. You wrote her an apology and tried to get it to her through agents.
And their response when I first was like, hey, I think I'm in this documentary because I just heard my voice in the trailer. And my friends were like, that's not you.
You would never say that. And I go, you don't want to.
Because I say it about you, bitch. They were like, you love her.
I'm like, I know, but you should hear what I say about you. Anyone I'm jealous of.
This is the old me. I really have done so much to not be a gossip.
Well, you learn lessons through hurting people, feeling really bad about it, and then deciding you don't want to do that again. You're allowed to make mistakes.
I allow that for myself now. At the time, I don't think I even allowed it as much.
But I learned from that because I knew that a letter wasn't going to get to her or I wouldn't be able to know it. So I was just like, I'll just put out a public thing.
And that's the only way. And I didn't even know if she would see it or not.
But as soon as I did, I did I was like I put out apologies that wasn't just trying to let the public think I'm okay again I knew it was about me letting go of that because I could listen to her music afterwards I was like okay I repented I really do feel bad I owned it I said everything that I needed to to not excuse myself but to explain myself and actually say why this won't happen again and be honest and I just Felt like now I'm in the words of taylor swift clean yeah i love that i'm finally clean yes and then she commented on it oh i didn't even know i was on a date later that night and i put my phone away just to pretend like i was a girl that doesn't check her phone and like oh i don't need it he was a comedian went down to go to a set and i instantly checked my phone when he goes down and i have dozens of text messages being like did you see and she wrote something wrote something back. I only read it once because I can't handle it.
It was very nice from my memory of it. It was just something of like, this means so much to me.
And it's a great example of being able to explain your vulnerability. She just got it.
She fully got what I was doing. And I love apologizing now when I can really get down to why it happened and own it.
And I was just insecure. I was jealous that you're thin.
I want to be your friend. I didn't see myself fitting in and I lashed out and that's what it is.
And it's nothing more is nothing to do with you. Sometimes I find myself when I slip up, if I am really close to someone who maybe works with me and they're working with me because I want them to have to be friends with me.
And I obviously want their expertise with me, but then they kind of grow up and they're ready to spread their wings and fly. I've in years past said things that would maybe make them feel insecure.
And they called me out and I go, what is this? And I go, because I don't want them to leave. It's because I know they're so talented for realizing it's a thing I have to check because I've had it done to me.
Back to the boys, a confident version of them wouldn't want to be friends with you. Yes.
Or unless I pay them, they're not going to leave me. And it's just not true.
I've been able to keep those friendships, but it's just the more I can admit my flaws. Like you said, if I'm not ashamed of it, if I can say, yeah, I was jealous of Taylor for being skinny.
I went on this podcast and I talked about JLo. I watched JLo's documentaries and I used to be not a hater, but kind of like a lot of society or culturally.
So things about she can't sing or can't act or can't dance, whatever, like a lot of hate because everyone's so fucking jealous of her. Yes, look at her.
She's so beautiful. She actually can sing really well.
She's a passionate, fearless creator and performer. She made a documentary with her own money to tell the story of her rekindling romance that ended up not going well.
She knew it could have maybe not put this out there for people to consume and judge and people did. That's ballsy.
And I'm actually kind of jealous of that kind of risk taking. And so what do I do? I have to shit on it.
And then I watched her documentaries and I was like, man, she's fucking cool. And I'm lame.
Any kind of hate I have for her is pure jealousy. And I talked about on podcasts.
She reached out to me and now we're friends. I love that.
And now I couldn't love her more. I see totally through every preconceived notion I had about her.
And it's freeing to admit when you're insecure. For me, it's two-sided.
It's either I'm jealous or they're displaying a side of myself I hate so much. So like my issues with J-Lo maybe in the past are like, why are you at the Super Bowl game in the front of the road? I've been like, why do you need so much attention? Yes, because you secretly want it, but you're not willing to do what she's doing to get it.
I need endless attention and I hate that about myself. By the way, I don't even know if she needs attention.
Let's say it's the same motivation. Well, she went and got it.
You are scared people are going to go, he needs attention. So what do you do? You shit on her so that you sell yourself the story that people are going to say that about you if you do it, which causes you to not do it.
I always make fun of people who do cringe things online. Not always.
I used to. If someone's doing something comedically and taking a chance or showing their stomach fat or doing something that's really vulnerable.
That you told yourself you wouldn't be lovable if you did. I'll make fun of that person to my friends behind their back because then when I want to do something like that, I'll go, Nikki, don't because people will make make fun of you I have to create a narrative so that I don't take those chances usually everything that I hate on is jealousy yeah it's kind of fun to unpack it and kind of go oh it all whittles down to that the more exhausting it gets to be anyone but myself the better for me that is the best thing about aging is that it just becomes too tiring to try and then people end up liking you so much more when you don't yes exactly I could have just been doing this all the time but you really can't because you can't get there any sooner than I go tell my younger self something I don't even play that game I didn't listen to anybody that was part of my charm even if it was me who came back I wouldn't listen like you try to tell your kids stuff pretty much I don't I try to avoid that I'm living I'm modeling they'll pick some things up they'll see other things don't work they very bright.
I think it'll work. That's good.
Okay, so have you, though, ever had one-on-one with Taylor? Yeah, I actually met her before I was a huge Swifty. During her Red Tour, I got invited to a show on MTV, and they invite us backstage, and I got a moment with her.
But nothing post-apology? No, nothing post-apology. And you probably don't want that? Not even.
I want to just be a fan. I just really like being a Swifty, And I want to keep it that way.
I like putting her on this pedestal that she probably doesn't even want to be on. I like feeling like a little girl when I'm at the shows.
That's why I go to 22 shows. It's four hours of the best dopamine release I've ever had in my life.
I feel like the happiest person I've ever felt. I can't risk losing that.
So right now, what we have is so perfect of her being this pop star that I admire. As you get more successful, it's harder to be a fan.
It's still fun to be a fan. It's the best.
And I think that's worth preserving. I love being a fan.
It's one of my favorite things. Okay.
And so I'm going to preface this by saying, truly, you must know, I don't care how anyone gets sober. I have zero judgment about how anyone does it.
I am intrigued and fascinated that you read a book.

Yeah.

12 years ago and quit drinking.

Alan Carr.

Alan Carr.

The Easy Way.

Everyone loves that.

So what happens? Because I'm just curious.

I think I heard Ellen on Jay Leno's Tonight Show talk about quitting that way, quitting smoking.

I heard maybe Ashton Kutcher.

It was a couple of celebrities had talked about it.

And I was like, oh, I'll just get the book to see what happens.

And then I was ready to quit smoking. And I just was like, I'll read it because you get to smoke while you read it.
That's the thing that made me go, OK, great. And then by the end of it, he goes, have your last cigarette, but I bet you don't want one.
And he's right. You just don't want one.
And I could not have explained that to my smoking self, but I promise you it just worked on me. And so drinking, I wasn't ready to let go of anytime soon.
At that point, I quit smoking, I think 2009. So I needed two more years with drinking.
And then I hit a bottom in Cleveland after a weekend of shows. I was supposed to go see the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame one morning, but I was hungover and I couldn't go.
And I'm like, oh, this is affecting me seeing Britney Spears' sequined outfit from the 2000s VMAs. This is becoming unmanageable.
Like if I can't see John Lennon's sunglasses or whatever. And so I was puking all day and I had already bought the book because I just knew I was circling the drain and I just needed that one moment to go, I'm going to read it.
So as soon as I flew back to New York, I grabbed the book and I started reading it, the drinking one. If you're interested in this, people go, which one? Because there's lots of them.
Just whichever one, the one for women, the one for controlling drinking, whatever you want to do. I don't think you can really control drinking, but give it a whirl.
They're all by Alan Carr. Yeah.
Alan Carr died of lung cancer, oddly enough, because he smoked for like 30 something years, but eventually created this method, quit. It robs you of any reason you have to do it.
Any excuse you have of like, it makes me more social. Let's piece that apart.
Actually, we're going to prove to you without a question of a doubt that it doesn't make you more social. It makes me more brave.
Okay, well, then firefighters would be getting loaded before they ran into burning buildings. They're not.
It's not bravery. It makes you dumb.
That's the bravery. You're saying things that you wouldn't normally say.
Your frontal lobe's offline. Exactly.
You're becoming dumb. It's dominating you.
And so all the excuses that you had, it relaxes you. Then it proves that it doesn't.
It actually causes way more anxiety. So you're kind of left with no reason to do it.

They found that for a lot of people's addictions, I guess,

when they have no reason to do it, they don't need to do it

because you're always making excuses of why you need it.

And that's why I haven't read the pot book yet

because I'm not ready to give it up because I know it'll work.

You probably know enough about AA.

You come in and quit drinking,

and then you're left with the reason you drank,

and then the meetings and the steps are about addressing not the symptom.

You've quit the symptom.

I don't know. And then you're left with the reason you drank.
And then the meetings and the steps are about addressing not the symptom. You've quit the symptom.
So did you find that you were now someone without their medicine? It went to pot. It went to sex.
Just things that weren't as detrimental. It was really the hangover that I was avoiding more than anything.
So it was food mostly because of my history with anorexia. After I gained enough weight to like not be a death's door, I just went to like binge eating and bulimia was always in some kind of eating disorder state.
Then it was like 10 years. It was COVID where my life got small and then the food just filled up.
So my life was so busy because it kept me from eating all the time. And then I was just uncontrollable around food, unmanageable.
And that's when I was like, I need help for this and got back into a thing and realized, oh, I didn't look at the spiritual element of it. So would it be fair to say the drinking for whatever reason on the continuum, that book was sufficient, but that the eating, you couldn't have read a book.
He has a book for emotional eating and it did kind of work. It did kind of work, but it is a spiritual problem that I have.
I don't think people know that if you're starving yourself or if you're bulimic or if you're overeating or whatever it is, there's a place for you. There's a 12 step for you.
That might not sound like the place you should go because you might be an under eater, but there's a blank anonymous that has a place for you that I didn't know about and didn't consider because I was like, that's not for me, but it helped so much. And I've been sober from starving myself for four years.
I've been off gum for four years. Gum was a big thing for me.
I get sores in my mouth. It was like cigarettes, two packs a day of this trident.
It's this trickier thing because you have to find your own sobriety. Is it like SLA and that you define your bottom line? Yeah, you define your own thing.
So mine for a while was don't eat in bed. And then I was like staying in hotel rooms where I was like, well, there's no table.
So let's amend this one. Now mine is if you're hungry, you don't get to keep going.
You have to eat. So the first second that I'm like, I'm hungry.
I don't get to be like, yeah, let's ride this out. That's not negotiable.
You don't get horny at the thought of. Because I used to get like, oh, my body is eating itself.
I'm doing something productive. Let's ride this.
You don't get to do that anymore. Other girls get to do that.
That's a very common thing I hear about all the time. I'm like, I skipped breakfast.
I don't get to. You don't have that luxury.
No, I can't be trusted with starving. I don't have any opinion on whether people should go or not to a 12-step program.
But for me, I could have maybe white-knuckled it over the last 20 years, but I would have missed out on so much shit, learning how to be honest with myself, learning how my fears were, say sorry to people i think that's a big part of it too is just hearing people you would never ever hear their stories and just learning how to be just

vulnerable around strangers and feeling in a safe space it's good for everyone i'm always like i

wish there was one for just a normal person and there is it's called alan on because everyone can

someone in their life so there is a room for you one of the early premises of this show was

Thank you. One of the early premises of this show was me going, can you have an AA meeting in public? Because I feel bad that people can't experience this.
This is wild. You come in going, I'm not like anyone.
I hate all these people. I'm not like them.
I'm different. And then they start talking and you're like, I do that.
Oh yes. I've done the exact same thing.
There's a human quality to it that since I'm not religious, I don't get it there. I don't know where else I would have experienced that.
What a thing to experience. Teaching you empathy.
It's amazing. It's a lost part of our culture to share and to be part of a community.
And yeah, it gives you that. But it's a lot of work.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
That's the problem I have. But man, when you're doing it, it feels good.
good it's like meditating it's always like i have time to work out or meditate and they say you should just meditate instead of workout and sometimes it's just so hard to sit and meditate even though i always feel better after it do you guys meditate i do same situation i'm like i should and then sometimes i do and you're right i always feel better after but forcing it and same with working out you know you will always feel better you've never left the gym being like why did i do that never happened in the history of the world i do tm because howard did it and talked about it so i do take up things that i hear people i oh yeah howard sold me on that big time that really helped with my depression for a while until i stopped doing it yeah it's weird i can't figure out why it wasn't a permanent solution because i wasn't doing it oh god wasn't doing it. Oh, God.
Isn't that with everything? Fucking daily reprieves. It's annoying.
You take the medicine and you're like, I feel great. And you're like, I don't need to take this anymore.
Why do we all do that with everything? It's a big deficiency for human brains. I'm prescribed ADD meds and I feel so amazing on them.
I feel like it's cheating. And so I won't take them because I feel like I can't Lance Armstrong life like this.
I'll feel guilty. I can't be proud of my accomplishments because it's a pill.
I tell my doctor I can't take it because I feel like it makes me feel too good. And he's like, isn't that good? And I'm like, but I just feel like I'm tricking you.
He's like, you aren't tricking me. You didn't want this.
I am a doctor. Don't insult me like that.
But I kind of like feeling bad, I guess. I feel like I deserve it.
That's what it is. You might have a story that if you're not working so hard that you're just not worthy of anything.
I saw Jesse Eisenberg talking on CBS Sunday morning about volunteering during COVID. He moved back to Bloomington and worked at like a shelter.
He was the happiest he ever was. We had him on Tuesday.
So why did he go back to this then? Because I was like, oh, I want to go just do an animal sanctuary. I have enough money that I'd be fine the rest of my life.
Why don't I just go rehabilitate goats and teach pigs how to walk again? When we had Jeff Bridges on. I'll miss this.
We talked about getting crazy religious about exercise and then crazy religious about lethargy. You would expect this from him.
But the piece he had when he goes, yeah, man, that's what life is. Just ride these waves.
Yes. Sometimes you're going to volunteer.
Sometimes you're going to go make a movie. Sometimes you're going to smoke pot.
Sometimes you're not. That's okay.
That's okay. You're not a bad person.
No, I think you have a lot of bad person. Yes.
There's a lot of bad person driving you. Because you say a shitty thing about someone you love.
And then people point out even that Taylor Swift thing. I'm like, I am a bad person.
If I would have just seen that as a Swifty, I'd be like, fuck that girl. She's a mean girl.
And it's like, am I secretly a mean girl? And I'm like, I don't think so. Like part of my brain thinking I might be a sociopath.
But I've learned that sociopaths don't question it. And they don't want to fix it.
So I can't be. Instead of you thinking you're a bad person, you could channel it to whoever else is probably not a bad person.
The other Swifty, the other person who's writing something shitty about her, instead of saying I'm a bad person because I did that. Instead, it's like, I'm not a bad person and I did that.
So they're probably not a bad person either. Yes.
That does help me. I think I do that a lot.
We also had an OCD expert on who was explaining the majority of OCD isn't what you see in the movies. It's not washing your hands repetitively and it's not checking the lock.
It's people who are convinced they're a pedophile, but they are not. They have never done anything, but they're so worried they are.
They won't watch TV shows with children. So in some way, I think there's a little bit of compulsive.
You're so afraid you're a bad person. Yes.
Even though there's no proof that you are other than a couple of fuck-ups that everyone has. That's why I like to explore on stages my darkest thoughts.
And then hearing people laugh, I'm like, oh, you've thought this too. All right, so I guess that wraps it.
That's interesting about the book, and I dig it. And it really has been easy to not drink.
It's the number one advantage I feel like I have over people sometimes. Not having a kid is another one I have to admit has freed me up to do a lot of stuff in my late thirties and now into my forties that I wouldn't be able to do.
Although ironically, the time you're most grateful you don't drink is when you have kids and you're around other parents early in the morning with your fucking kid because they wake up early and I'm looking at these people. Dude, if I had to be doing this, which is already hard hungover, I don't know how they're doing.
No, that's the times I've felt the very most grateful. 5 a.m.
waking up if you went to bed at 3. Now I know why my mom was cranky and chugging diet coke like she was hungover.
I'm going to cut her some slack. That is rough, dude.
Well, Nikki, I had high hopes for this. I was quite confident this would be great.
And it was way better than I even anticipated. Oh my God, that's so nice.
It really felt like a hang. Good.
I was in the middle of it just like, why am I so comfortable? It doesn't usually go like this. Well, this was a blast.
I hope you'll come back. Oh, I really want to tell people people should go see the Alive and Unwell tour.
It's in the height of it right now. We just started, really.
I've never performed in front of this many people in my life. And the theaters are also beautiful, right? It's a special honor to be able to play at those places.
It really is. This is new to me.
I was doing theater tours for the past five years, and you'd sell 70%. Sometimes you sell out.
It's a big deal. And now you're adding dates.
Adding dates. And there's a little bit of, I'm the same person I was before.
Maybe these people are wrong that are coming out, but it's actually really exciting because I'm trying to embrace. No, more people should see me.
This is

the right thing. I'm having imposter syndrome problems.
But for the first time in my life,

I am working so much harder on my standup than I ever have. It was always just something that

kind of came naturally. I didn't have to really focus that hard.
And now I'm kind of doing the

same thing I did with the Golden Globes and the roast. And I'm looking at my material that way.
Let's punch it up and make it as hard hitting as those because I can do it it's just more work and so I'm taking this very seriously this isn't just any stand-up tour yeah and I'm roasting every city I go to you're doing like six Boston dates which is insane fucking nuts eight they're almost all sold out yeah so go to www.nickieglazer.com with an s and go quick because I was just there and so many of the shows are already sold out. Congratulations.
You so deserve it. And I'm really happy for you and you're going to make so much money.
And I hope you buy something obnoxious in St. Rose.
Yeah, you don't have to spend it on your kids. Yeah, but Taylor's not on tour anymore.
Oh, you're going to save so much money. That's a good point.
All right All right, Nikki, this is a blast. Come back.
Stay tuned for the fact check so you can hear all the facts that were wrong. The current confusion, and I get it, but I feel like we've said it, which is like, why are Mondays now on video, right? Oh.
And then I say, oh, we offer to the guest if they if they're up for video then that's fun and then they go well you said it you wouldn't ever do that because uh it wouldn't be vulnerable to which i reply i did think that and then we had adam scott on and it was like one of the most beautiful connected vulnerable episodes and i said that's not true i found that out out. Yeah.
I mean, also you can listen. You can keep listening.
No one has to watch this. If you, if you prefer to listen, you should listen, but some people really enjoy seeing a visual and we've enjoyed it more than we thought we've enjoyed doing it more than we thought.
So we figured, you know, why not offer that up when we we can yeah also we do have guests coming up that are on video because of that exact thing where it just they don't want to be on camera they don't want to be on camera get it slash even we've made some decisions like this specific person is probably better than not that's right because it's more intimate for them you're right should we get right into the? Yeah. Me and you both have sim stories and we've been dying to tell each other.

Yeah.

Because it came up yesterday when we were doing intros.

Yeah.

And we were mad we weren't recording the fact check because I had the ultimate sim experience.

Yeah.

Boy, I kind of want you to go first.

You do?

Okay.

Because mine's going to be less.

Yeah.

Well, just mine has a visual component.

Yeah. I'm fine.
I'm fine to go first. Mine isn't.
Your stories are also better. No, they're not.
They are. They're just so twisty and turny.
Like, I never know. Oh, those curves.
As we've said, you're like the M. Night Shyamalan of just normal pedestrian life.
Oh. Is that what we were saying? No.
You said Seinfeld. Seinfeld.
Yeah. It's way more Seinfeld.
I don't know where I just go. But MI.S.H.
I get it. It's like you don't, you really don't know.
Until the last frame. That's right.
Yeah. Okay, so my Sim story is our last fact check.
We were talking about dating and. Oh, the matchmaker.
The matchmaker. And the ghosting.
The ghosting. You saying, I wish you would just go talk to people.
Yeah. And, you know.
Being the calling business, not the. Exactly.
Not the receiving. Incoming call business.
Okay. So we had that whole conversation.
The next day I was on Instagram, the Instagram app. Yeah.
And there was someone whose story I saw that I thought was fantastic. Yeah.
I follow this person and really, really like this person from afar. I don't know.
I don't know him. But our paths have crossed many moons ago interesting and so i i i follow him and in the driveway while he was visiting his daughter that would be sean penn oh no no um he is so funny i just find him to be the funniest person yeah and um so anyway i'm watching these videos and i'm laughing and and i i text a friend who i know sort of knows him yeah great and i said hey blank hey this person's name yeah is he straight and single do you know uh-huh she said I'm pretty certain he's straight.
I don't know if he's straight. That's pretty certain.

We don't always. Is he straight and single? Do you know? Uh-huh.
She said, I'm pretty certain he's straight.

I don't know if he's single.

That's pretty certain.

We don't always know.

We don't always know.

Okay, okay.

She said, I'm almost certain he's straight.

I don't know if he's single.

Yeah, hurdle number two.

Yes, and she said, the last time I saw him, I was walking around the reservoir.

So we should start walking around the reservoir oh wow

it's like oh yeah that's great that's fun we made some jokes okay yeah was she he or she joking or sincerely i mean i guess like it's sort of half joking like we're not really good maybe let's anyways sure because it'll be funny anyways because we're doing this thing sure the next day The next day, I was walking down the street and I walked past him.

No.

I like had such a visceral react for so many reasons one it was this is a big challenge that the universe put i i i know oh fuck i know you're not gonna like where this goes but it was it what it was like the, what's the universe doing? Is it, is it telling me like. Go say hi is what it's telling.
There's nothing to interpret here. This is as linear as it gets.
And I walked past him and I went to the store. And in person, did you get a PQ where you're like, oh wow.
Yeah. In person.
Well, I didn't want to um i got it i got a shock to my system because of the overwhelm of the coincidence yes and i did not want to make a thing but i and so i went to this store i just like jumped into this to hide store to hide yourself and text my friend of course oh right and she said she said did you say hi and i said no i don't i didn't know how to say i said i said i don't know how and then she said and then this is why things get kind of confusing right because then she was like okay yeah maybe that is best maybe i know i know you wouldn't like that part. Give me her number.
No, she said maybe. Do I already have her number? I think so.
Okay. She said, maybe you should, like an introduction is better.
And so then I was like, yeah, I don't know. Anyway, I shopped at the store.
I probably bought something. Nervously.
Yeah. And then I walked back out and back past.
Oh, great. This is like the girl with the cowboy hat i was trying to take panay over yeah exactly i walked back past and i like i like shook my head a little bit to try to get a little attention oh my pheromones could spread i want to play like a dog tail yeah yeah yeah and that was it it was just wild yeah and i okay and And then I told Jess about this.
And that was it. It was just wild.
Yeah. And I, okay.
And then I told Jess about this and he was like, you told yourself if this happened again, you would say something. And I forgot I did do that.
Like, remember the guy I saw in New York who I thought was so hot and I thought, oh, I should just say, hey, you're so, hey, just so you know, you're so attractive. I love looking at you.
Have a great day. Remember after him I was like I should have said it.
Yeah. And then after the hot guy at the bar at the Brentwood Country Mart.
What's the bracelets? At the tower you couldn't get your bracelets on? Oh that's separate. It had a guy put them on.
There was no guy. That's okay we can can't count that one yeah that doesn't count but the other guy at Brentwood Country Mart that was so attractive yeah how many street cars are you gonna watch go by I know I am starting to think you gotta get mad at yourself that's a good motivator like that's when you like you're fucking I've had enough of this who I'm gonna live my whole life like this fuck this I'm like four percent there oh geez I thought this would take you into the 40s it was well i i didn't know how i could take it as i'm mad at myself i should have said something or wow the universe is tricksy loves me gave me something and not i didn't do anything about it but it's only gonna give it's only gonna help you so many times.
Yes. If you don't want its help, it's going to stop.
Universe, I do want your help. You need to be way the fuck above 4%.
Just as your friend, I need to yell at you a little bit. 40.
You need to be in the 48s. I'm going 82%.
He knows you. You're a comedy girl.
You got this popular podcast. We're on a very popular podcast.
That's why we're staying at this hotel. Mr.
Customs man in India. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Yeah, it still haunts me.
I'll think about that. That's like the Neff Campbell thing.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Wait, okay. What happened again? Yeah, you told.
The Indian customs man. Oh, yeah.
When he didn't believe I was staying at the nice hotel and he wanted the first the phone

number then he wanted the address then he wanted like I don't know what he wanted he did not believe that we were staying there and I said so well um I'm one of the hosts of a very popular podcast and we're in town to interview Bill Gates and I'm like he didn't know what podcast was he didn't know what popular was that I don't think he knew what Bill Gates was he didn't give a fuck about It was a three strikes and you're out.

We're so lucky I got led into that country.

I know.

That was so funny okay anyway so that was just that was so sip the next day yes the next day the next yeah that's you gotta listen girl i know he's at maru a lot, too. Oh, Mike.
Spray.

He's probably a pervert. Probably wants you to shit on a glass.

Rob, if you see him at Maru, what do you want?

Ask him if he likes girls to shit on a glass.

On tables. Coffee table.

People are trying to get... And tell her your friend's

open to it, as long as there's not been, like,

10 other people who have done it. As long as she's the

first. Yes, exactly.

Well, you could be up to the third. Second or third.
No, I want she's the first. Exactly.
And you mean. You could be up to the third.

Second or third.

No, I want to be the first.

Okay.

You have standards.

Okay.

Okay.

Now you have a moment too.

Now let's hear it.

Okay.

I pray that you think this is as insane as I do.

So my friend Oliver apparently is in Toronto and he goes to a museum.

Okay.

And then he sends me these two photos from a museum.

Okay.

And I will explain to the listener.

This is in a museum.

And it is an Ames chair that was made between 1948 and 1950.

Designed between 1948 and 1950.

It's called Dax Armchair.

Which Dax isn't a fucking word in 1948.

Not only is it a Dax Armchair, it was designed at UCLA and manufactured in Michigan. Oh.
Are you fucking Dax Armchair? God. Does that not zap your brain? And that's not possible.
In a museum, Dax armchair. They should write fucking expert after it.
Well, I thought when this first popped up, I thought it was something for the show. I thought something in the museum was- This is in a museum of an Eames chair.
By the way, affordable. It was 20 bucks.
It was meant to be a cheap. And we're cheap.
Yes, I'm a cheap.

I'm a cheapie.

Dax armchair.

Why did they use that word?

That wasn't a word.

That's not a name.

It was made at UCLA.

It manufactured in Michigan.

The Dax listed at about $20 each.

I'm going to read the whole thing.

$100 a modern term.

Dax armchair designed 1948 to 1950 by Charles Eames and Ray Eames with staff of the engineering department, University of California, Los Angeles. This model made from 1955 to about 1972 by Herman Miller Furniture Co.
Zeeland, Michigan. Molded polyester fiberglass composite steel rubber.
I used to wear rubbers when I was single. That's a stretch.
The chair design shared a second prize. Of course, I never win either.
I never win. My birthday's the second.
The chair design shared a second prize loser in the 1948 International Competition for low-cost furniture design.

Sponsored by the Museum of Modern Art in New York City, one of my favorite cities.

The DAX listed at about $20 each or $100 in modern terms.

You have $100.

And the French name for it is Fatoult Dax.

Fatoult?

Fatoult Dax. Fatoult Dax.
Fatule? Fatule Dax. Fatule Dax.
Fatule Dax. Wow.
Monica, would you agree this is fucking insane? That's insane. Dax armchair.
We got to get one, obviously. For sure.
20 bucks. Who won it? No, 100 in modern.
Oh, 100. No, never mind.
I want to contact this museum and just sit next to it so people can crack where is it toronto oh we're not going that was my first place i ever went in a hot tub the harbor castle family vacation i read that in bed yesterday morning and i like i couldn't i'm like when is it too much i cry. Maybe I'll cry a bit tonight about it.

You didn't cry about this.

I was just stunned.

How crazy could it get before you have to go like, I don't understand.

I know.

That's how I am feeling. Like, yeah.

How explicit do they have to be?

The sim engineers.

That's nuts.

They're begging.

I think they want to. I'm getting nervous, though Eric says the more we're onto it, they'll start unplugging.
Right. They'll get suspicious of us and start like hampering our speech.
I'm shook by that chair. Yeah.
And I must own it. It doesn't look terribly comfortable.
No, but we need it. What if I just't ever, no matter what? It's round.
I'm round. It has four legs.
I do too. Yeah, we need that in here.
A hundred percent. So this is a ding, ding, ding ish because my favorite podcast, Nobody's Listening Right with Elizabeth and Andy.
Elizabeth loves signs like this. She lost both of her parents when she was quite young.
She often sees them in the universe in ways. They're winking at her.
Yeah. She loves that and I like it too.
That is a sign from the universe. I know.
It was a sign. It was a sign to keep going.
It's all going to's all going to be fine. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it is all fine. Exactly.
Yeah. I told you this about Laird Hamilton.
Gabrielle said that he looks at her. She's like, I love his presence in my life because he's just unflappable, right? And she said that once in a while when she's frazzled, he looks at her and he goes, it's going to be fine yeah yeah you did say this yeah or it's gonna be okay it is okay yeah right now it's okay i love that yeah i really love that it's a very steadying also you know we have a friend who did hypnosis and i think i've said this before but i think about it all the time are you the friend in the story? Remember you did hypnosis? No, it wasn't me.
In the attic? Yeah, I do. Okay.
Listen to that episode. That was an interesting episode.
Yeah. I got hypnotized real time on this show.
That's right. Yeah.
Now, this friend got hypnosis to stop vaping. Part of it is you say, I used to do that.
I don't do that anymore. Never again.
I'm used to do that. I don't do that.
Never again. Yeah.
I hate that sentence. I love it.
I think it's so, I think the I don't do that anymore. Yeah, it's strong.
It's so strong. It's actually, it's like the past, the present, the future, all in one thing.

Right.

Yes.

But the present is the one that is the most impactful.

And it's similar to it is okay.

Yes.

I don't do that anymore.

Yeah.

My thing is to go like, what has been helpful to me is to go like, whatever, when I quit dip or any of the stuff I quit, which is all the time.

I go like, oh my God, I want it. I want this so bad.
And in 10 minutes, I won't. Yeah.
Like it doesn't help me. It doesn't.
For me, like knowing it. Yes, this is an urge.
It'll be passing. And then believe it or not, in 10 minutes, you're not you won't be fighting.
Yeah. It is very comforting to me because generally when I get that strong compulsion to do something I don't want to do.
My brain tells me I'm going to feel that way forever until I do the thing I want to do. Yeah, but it's tricky because some things, some things never change.
Some things, I guess, depending on your addiction, some things don't go away. There's something to me about the mantra.
If you're really trying to quit something, I'm just like, not like I won't want this. Because I think that's a lie for certain things, for certain people and certain addictions.
Like, I think it's not like, don't't worry you won't want this soon because that's not

a reality it might not be a reality it's just like yeah i used to do that i don't do that anymore

i will say though that again i don't i don't want to drink yeah i really that that is a miracle

for you that's that's a miracle yeah that i was as i say in the program like relieved of the

obsession that was kind of unimaginable the program, like relieved of the obsession.

That was kind of unimaginable the first year.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm just going to fucking, every time I walk by a bar for the rest of my life, I'm going to want to go inside.

And I got to talk myself out of not going inside for the rest of my life.

Yeah.

But I don't think about it ever.

Yeah.

I could be like surrounded by Jack Daniels bottles and it doesn't even, I'm just like, oh yeah, just like a wall.

That is lucky. Yeah.
I don't know if that's for everyone though. Yeah.
Stay tuned for more armchair expert. If you dare.
This is a ding, ding, ding. Cause this is for Nikki and we we do talk about addiction.
I love this episode. I got to say, I told her it was like, we have these episodes every now and again.
They really fill my tank up and they make me really, really excited for our job. Not that I ever don't like our job.
I always like our job yeah but sometimes i'm really turbocharged and

it really hits me like no i love our job yeah to get to like have something in your head and then like work through it with the actual human being that we have access to that and then they're so incredible and fun yeah i just i let's put a real spring in my step this episode not to brag Go ahead and brag.

I have to brag.

That's a sign of really good friends.

You can brag. Go ahead and brag.

Not to brag.

That's a sign of really good friends.

You can brag.

I think it is.

Yeah, but not.

I mean, I guess the Armcherries are my good friends.

Yeah.

I got two numbers that week.

Yeah.

It was a big week for you.

And hers was one of them.

Yeah.

And that was pretty cool.

I played it really cool.

Too cool?

Well, no, because you exchanged numbers.

Uh-huh.

And, you know, I didn't.

I sat back.

We had a little.

Oh, right.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Great.

Like, as she was leaving, you got her number.

Yeah.

And then I, you know, I went in the corner during that part. Peed on her tree.
Yeah. And then.
It's a little animal you are. And she was like, oh, God, what's she doing? That's a thing she does.
It's a good luck thing for us. She does that at the end of every episode.
And then she reached out to me. That's wonderful because it quiets any voice in your head that she didn't want to give you your number.
Because once in a while we exchange numbers with the guests. You do.
Yeah. I don't.
You've done like five times. If they, I will never instigate it.
Ever. Most of the time I want their number.
I like them and I'd love to at some point in my, if I want to say hi to them, I want to be able to do that. This is back to me and you at the bar.
Yeah. You get the, you always, you're just like, give me your number.
Yeah. Cause I might want to say hi.
I might see you in something and I want to be able to tell you I loved it or whatever it is, but it's perfect for you because you didn't, you didn't ask for it. And then she reached out to you.
Yeah. This is, we love her.
We love her. We're the number one fans.
Yeah. She's, she's so great.
She's so great. Okay.
A couple of little fackies, gracious loser face, gracious loser face. That's from friends.
Oh, why did they have to confront that? Because Joey, um, Oh, he's not meant to name for a daytime drama. Soap opera.
Soapy Sudsy. A Sudsy.
And Rachel is teaching him about Gracious Loser. And did he have a, I'm guessing he probably had a really preposterous look on his face.
He got actually mad. Oh, he did.
When he lost. When he lost.
Yeah. Oh oh that's great yeah god it's i wish someone would

do that they're on their face and it's not their name they go fuck this i fucking they stand up and walk out that would be awesome i feel like some of those people and some of those people deserved it like some of these people have been nominated 15 fucking times in the same category and not one.

Ugh.

I know.

Stop inviting me.

Exactly.

Okay, do they do knee tucks?

Yes.

A knee tucks. Category and not one.
Ugh. I know.
Stop inviting me.

Exactly. Okay, do they do knee tucks? Yes.
A knee tuck, also known as a knee lift. Cosmetic procedure that improves the appearance of the knees.
They can address loose skin, excess fat, and other signs of aging. Speaking of skin, I did the thing.
I haven't done it in so long. But I did the thing you're never supposed to do

Where I

I like felt something skin. I did the thing.
I haven't done it in so long, but I did the thing you're never supposed

to do where I, I like felt something sort of under the skin, just a tiny bit. And I'm the hint of a pimple.
Yeah. But I don't know if it's a pimple because it's been there for a long time.
It's under, it's like under, but it's not a cyst. It feels like I can like, I can like feel it more like a pinprick, like a splinter.
Yeah. Yeah.
And so yesterday I started fucking with it. And now I created a whole issue on my face and we're about to, Kristen's hosting the SAG Awards.
By the time this comes out, it will already happen. Also ding, ding, ding, Nikki, golden globes.
Yeah. And I'm there to help her write write her stuff and so i'll be there and now i have a whole ish where is it it's right here yeah you can see it it's okay no money it's okay i just i i was just like why don't we learn these lessons i know the face stuff is impossible i i can't tell you how often i'm pushing on something going don't do this don't do this mistake.
Oh, my God. I think I'm almost there.
I am going to get it. I'm going to stop doing this.
Okay. You're going to finish this and you are not allowed to look in the mirror and start touching this again.
Like I go through this madness all the time. I know.
Yeah. All right.
Now we talked about baby girl. Oh, yeah.
Talk about baby girl. Baby girl has two meanings.
Okay. Baby girl is a slang term used to describe an attractive man, often a celebrity or fictional character.
It's a term of endearment that's become popular with Gen Z. Like a lot of people are like Austin Butler is baby girl.
Timothy Chalamet is baby girl. Yeah, yeah.
We would have said in my era a pretty boy yes probably correct attractive cute or vulnerable oh vulnerable also it's this sexual dynamic oh based on the well not i don't know if it happened first but the movie nicole kidman baby girl there's milk she drinks milk like a, she does drink like a cat. And I don't know if it's different from when she also drinks milk because they've made that joke a lot on all these shows.
And I fell asleep during like 10 minutes of the movie. So that might have been when she drank the milk.
Yeah, this is like when you fell asleep during. Or you shut without a pedal off.
Or you fell asleep. Took a shower in the middle.
You took a shower. Yeah.
We had to get to you timed it perfectly you missed my racist i missed your racist thing that was my racism but that was probably my dad saying go shower now take a quick one yeah so anyway baby girl is like a dominant woman being treated as a sub sexually like dominant in life yeah being kind of subordinate sexually um i think often to a man who might be subordinate to her in life you know what i mean like kinky well yeah and baby girl she's the boss and he's the intern oh see i wanted it to be hotter and i I didn't find it hot. What if she was coughed up a hairball? Like she got too into the role.

Oh. See, I wanted it to be hotter and I didn't find it hot.

What if she was coughed up a hairball like she got too into the role

that she was hacking and stuff?

I wonder if you'll think it's sexy because I

I in

theory could see it being

sexy, but then when I was watching it

I was like, it's not really for me.

I wouldn't like, tie me

up, no thank you, handcuffs, no thank

you. What about, okay,

one time you dated this

We'll be right back. It's like, it's not really for me.
I wouldn't like tie me up. No, thank you.
Handcuffs. No, thank you.
What about, okay. One time you dated this kind of older model.
Oh, uh-huh. Were you kind of subordinate there? No, no.
But it was, that was, I would say more like two equals wrestling match. Interesting.
You mean physically?

Yeah, like she was aggressive.

Oh, okay.

I was equally aggressive back.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, it was like,

but it was,

there was no sub Don. It was not a libre?

No.

She had a wrestling mask on.

Okay.

Have you ever... Been a sub? Yeah.
No, I don't think so. Are you bringing up my molesting? No.
Oh, my God. No, I was never.
The darker, the better. Okay, so you've never subbed no you've never been a substitute teacher no truly no shade to anyone i've explored everything in my mind right i'm like up for anything and everything so i would try it yeah i don't i don't care i would try that would if chris is, I want to handcuff you and hit you with a fucking horse whip or whatever.

I'd be like, yeah.

Okay, great.

What if she asked you to drink milk out like a cat?

Yeah, great.

I would do anything.

Wow.

There's nothing I want to do.

That's fun.

But when I imagine whether I'd be enjoying it or not, it's kind of hard for me to lock in.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well.

All right.

Baby girl.