5: Making Peace with Death

Blink is intended for mature audiences as it discusses topics that can be upsetting, such as drug use, sexual assault, and emotional and physical violence. Content warnings for each episode are included in the show notes.
Resources for drug addiction and domestic abuse can be found in the show notes and on our website, BlinkThePodcast.com. the testimonies and opinions expressed by guests of the show are their own and do not necessarily

reflect the views of myself or affiliates of this podcast. Any individuals mentioned in the episode are presumed innocent until proven guilty in the court of law unless explicitly stated otherwise.
What drew me to Jake's story wasn't just the twists and turns. It was the way it challenges how we see people who are too often written off.
Jake has this rare magnetism. Even as he lays bare his darkest moments, betrayal, violence, the ghosts of his past, there's no bitterness.
It's just raw honesty. Somehow he finds understanding.
For himself. For those who hurt him, for the pain that shaped them all.
On paper, Jake is a lot of things. Addict, dealer, victim, survivor.
But he's never been just a label. And when he tells his story, you see him for who he truly is.
For anyone who has ever doubted their worth, let Jake's story be proof.

You are more than what the world calls you.

And for those who have met Jake, who have heard his story, one thing is certain.

They'll never forget him. Thank you.
Jake was the one who introduced Ellen to heroin. It's an uncomfortable truth, one that he carries with deep regret.
Heroin is horribly addicting, and even those who manage to break free live with this constant pull. There's always that lingering temptation.
And in the moments of immense stress, when the world feels unbearable, and you feel like you're barely surviving, the need for escape

can become overpowering. Back when Jake was first diagnosed, his stepdad Eli and his wife Ina were

trying to go visit him in the hospital. We want to stop by the hospital.
We actually drove halfway

to Worcester and then she called and said the doctor said you can't come. So we went home.

So then on the fourth day out, she said you can come and we came. So I mean, Elle was

I'm sorry. says the doctor said you can't come so we went home so then on the fourth day out she said you can come and we came so i mean el was controlling everything that's the story from there on out you know so we went and we came to his room and he was in the room and she was like a nurse even though she wasn't a nurse but she was taking care of everything making the bed she was like non-stop activity and we're talking for like an hour.
And then at some point she says, yeah, I was so stressed out. I went home last night and, you know, I shot up some heroin just to relax.
And so Aina and I looked at each other and we're like, why don't we, let's, you know, let us take you home. We didn't want her to drive alone.
I said, you can't be doing this stuff. So she actually went in and got the needle and the whatever and brought it out.
And I drove around Worcester looking for a dumpster and I threw it. I'm like, shit, now I'll get stopped by the cops.
I've got this heroin needle in my car, you know. And so, you know, we threw it away.
And then we followed her to her parents' house. And we waited until her parents came home.
I was honest. And so she really should be here and not home alone doing all that.
Adrienne, Jake's ex and dealer, also had a few heroin-related encounters with Ellen. So there were a couple times that Ellen text me asking me for heroin.
And I always thought it was the weirdest thing because I never thought that she was into it. She hated so much that Jake did it.
It was very well known that she did not approve of that. I remember one time she texted me.
She was like, I'm sick. I really need something.
Could you help me out? I don't even know if I answered her, to be honest. So here was Jake's wife, potentially struggling to overcome her own addiction with this unimaginable stress looming over her and the determination to save her doomed and dying husband.
Oh, and she'd also been living with Jake's dad, Daronne, at this, because Daron had let them move in and was counting their rent payments as payments towards eventually buying the home from him. Daron was also using.
He had crippling back pain, and a move to Texas and a new doctor resulted in very little access to the pain medication he'd once been prescribed. One thing led to another, and suddenly Daron was using heroin.
But Derone told me that the day of Jake's diagnosis, he quit. Cold turkey.
But I do think that this helps add some context as to what is happening at home. Ellen is trying to care for Jake, and tension was building between her and Derone, leading to what sounded like an attempted murder, and the arrest of Jake's father, Derone.
But Derone wasn't the only one who was pushed out. When Jake was in the hospital, there was a list of approved visitors.
For those not on the approved list, like Adrian and a few of Jake's family members, they were able to sneak in using different names and identities. But when Jake was moved to hospice, that was the end of that.
Jake's Aunt Varda reads me a string of texts between her and Ellen. Varda had maintained contact when Jake had moved into hospice, but that didn't last long.
You'll see why when you hear the exchange over a few texts. Jerome can do or say whatever he wants.
I'm not afraid of him. He's so incredibly weak.
I could take him. LOL.
I can't live with Jerome. I don't know what we are going to do.
I'm not afraid of him. He's so incredibly weak.
I could take him. LOL.
I can't live with Daronne. I don't know what we are going to do.
I wish Daronne would just die. It's hard to make peace with someone you don't like.
So she made it very clear that, you know, Daronne was the enemy. And as a reminder, Daronne is Varda's brother.
Varda shows me another text. It came in just a minute later.
Ellen writes, You've been nothing but helpful throughout this process. And unlike many, you are one of the few that have stuck around the whole time.
That's why I'm such a stickler about giving out information. I don't want information getting into the hands of people who don't deserve it.
Soon after this exchange, another relative of Jake's traveled in from out of town to help them, but she was sick with a cold. Varda received a text from Ellen, who was upset about this relative exposing Jake to germs.
The exchange became heated very quickly. Ellen typed, She shouldn't be traveling if she is sick.
That is extremely selfish. Just go be a bitch to someone else.

Your family is so fucked up. And that's when I totally lost it with her, and that's when my communications with her ended.
I said, You are the biggest bitch I've ever encountered. You have no filter and no respect for anyone.
Today I finally let my filter go as you got my blood boiling. It's quite clear that you have a borderline personality disorder.
Go get some help. Let's go back to not talking anymore.
I'm done. And she wrote back, I'm only a bitch to people like you that are incompetent and delusional.
Your family are the most fucked up people I've ever met. It's no wonder I'm a bitch to you people.
You should honestly expect it by now, you ignorant, arrogant bitch. And that was the last time I had any communication with her.
Well, you certainly left it on a high note. Jake's uncle Adam chimes in.
We figured at some point he was going to die and that we'd find out about it ex post facto weeks, months later, because there was just zero communication. It was it was a black hole.
It was so crazy because she didn't let anybody near him. Nobody knew what was going on.
Ellen cut every single person out of his life. She was in control of everything.

it was so weird to me because it's like someone who is in the situation that jake's in like they're so sick they're on and off life-supporting measures they're in and out of consciousness and

having family around is one of the best things you can do. Having familiar people talk to them and hold their hand, it was so weird to me that she wouldn't want to have anything familiar for him.
That is a cruel thing to do to somebody. and there are people that wanted to see him and wanted to know where he was.
And she just, nope, nothing. By this point, she had cut off everybody except me.
Nobody could visit. Everybody on Jake's side of the family was cut off.
And because she had health proxy, she could make all those decisions. I just refused to get into a fight with her.
I knew there was, if I wanted to see Jake, I knew I had to stay on her good side. So I still had contact and I hadn't seen him for a while.
Even though she was texting me, she wasn't really letting me visit. So I just want to be very clear.
I mean, if she hadn't cared for him with the intensity and determination and focus for all that time, he would have died. I mean, I just absolutely believe that because it's almost like I want to believe that like she was calling him out, you know, Jake, don't die.
So she became obsessed with his care and it saved saved his life, I'm convinced. While Eli was trying to get approval to visit Jake, Darone was entering a legal battle with Ellen over their fight.
I asked Darone what happened that day, and his story was just as Jake told it. The two get into a screaming match over Darone being late for his shift to care for Jake and give Ellen some much needed reprieve.
I just lost it and I started screaming and burbling and and I ran back downstairs and I ran upstairs screamed at her some more. She screamed back at me.
I ran back downstairs and I took a deep breath slowly, and I said, okay, for Jacob's sake, I'm going to make this go away, so I calmed down, and I was going to go upstairs, she meets me at the top of the steps, and so I'm like two steps below, and I went to put my hand on her shoulders, and she yells out, You're strangling me! And then I was about to laugh, and then hits me in the head with a soda bottle, and I lose my balance, and I do a backflip down the stairs. Anyway, I wound up, like, needing seven staples in my head.
I broke my wrist. I was concussed.
I may have blacked out for a second. And then I had all this blood in my eyes.
And I called 911. The ambulance stopped a block up from my house.
And I'm yelling at them, hey, I'm over here. They go, we know.
I see you come get me. And they go, no, we have to wait for the police.
So I went, kind of crawled up the street and they started cleaning me up and took me to the hospital. I get slapped in handcuffs and get treated, and I finally get booked to the jail.
Tuesday morning, I get to go to court, and, you know, I'm one of the last cases. I'm in front of the judge.
I'm coated with blood. She stood up and she said, I'm deathly afraid of him.
He's going to kill me. That's all she had to say.
Judge grants her restraining order against me, so I'm kind of like shell-shocked, and I wound up hiring the best criminal lawyer in Worcester. We've all seen that blue wheelchair icon on storefront entrances, but we found it doesn't tell you much.
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This was just the arraignment. Derone gets a police escort to the house so that he can retrieve his medication, which he's now been a few days without.
He only has 10 minutes to collect his things. He grabs some clothes, his toothbrush, and his checkbook.
He has to leave his home, his dying son, and his beloved dog Brownie behind. I gained access to the court documents.
Derone's attorney filed an eviction summons against Ellen, terminating her tenancy and demanding that she vacate the home within 30 days. Ellen filed a counterclaim with a request for $20,000 in damages.

She writes, quote,

I am being evicted even though I am the caretaker of his son.

He has shut off the utilities and internet despite being ordered not to do so by the district court.

He is evicting me because I obtained a restraining order and criminal charges after he assaulted me.

Plenty of legal back and forth. Daron pushing hard to have access to Jake, and eventually, they come to an agreement, the charges are dropped.
While Daron was still cut out, Eli was keeping the rest of the family in the loop. I had regular phone calls with Varda and Ricky, like the three of us would get on the phone a couple of times a week.
Ricky is Jake's maternal great-aunt's daughter. He refers to her as his cousin.
I tell him, I'll refer to her as your cousin as well on the podcast. And he questions if that's the right move.
He's a stickler for facts. So Eli, Varda, and Ricky, Jake's maternal great-aunt's daughter, set a weekly phone date for Jake-related updates.
I would tell my wife, it's just me and the girls. We would just talk and just time to talk through, and what did you learn and what can you say and whatever, and who should approach Elle about this or who should do that.
I can't imagine the anxiety his family must have felt. The immense weight of being completely unable to help him recover physically, and then also having to navigate this very complicated relationship, jumping through hoops just to get a glimpse or a small update.
It's pretty amazing that Jake has, and still has, so many people who fought so hard to stay in his life. Eli finally received an invite to visit Jake.
He spent four hours there and everything went really well. Two weeks later, he asked to visit again and he was allowed to go over.
When he arrived, Eli let himself in and one of the dogs, a pit bull, lunged at him. He attacked me and took a good chunk out of my leg.
Luckily, she was right there, and she pulled them off me. And I hobbled out of the house.
I said, wow, if that had been anybody but, you know, basically your stepfather, you know, they just called the police, and they'd take your dogs away or whatever. So she got mad at me, and so then she cut me off.
I'm totally isolated. There's no people.
There was a visiting hospice nurse, and he comes and does one of his checks. The hospice nurse, Mike, was put on Jake's case in February of 2018.
He was new to the role. He had cared for a dying relative in the past, which inspired him to pursue this career.
But Jake was his very first official case. Here's Mike.
Quite honestly, it was a pretty inappropriate case for a fairly new hospice nurse to have. Definitely my most difficult.
So I'd met Jake. He was in rough shape.
He was in my care for several months. There was a lot going on.
Tension between family members. It was better that I had eyes on the situation as much as I could.
This was a complicated case, but it was not expected to be a long admission. He was not expected to be on services very long.
I completely agreed with the prognosis from the hospital that it'd be a few weeks, super sad.

You know, 29-year-old kid is clearly dying.

He's going to be gone soon.

So while he was in the hospital,

they did a lot of teaching with the family.

His wife especially was very knowledgeable,

and she did take great care of him.

Ellen was really good at determining what he needed, but, you know but it would take anyone else a long time to finally figure it out. She would always say, I could tell he's in there by his eyes.
So during this time, she would ask me, is this what you want? And I can do absolutely nothing. And she'd be like, yeah, that's what he wants.
It was like, she would like read my mind. She would do all his medications and there were quite a few of them.
She certainly drove me crazy some days with some of the things she wanted to try or do that just weren't really aligning with hospice philosophy. Basically, she wanted him to get better.
I mean, who wouldn't? So she wanted him to have, like, therapy, which doesn't... Hospice is kind of your insurance will pay for hospice, or they'll pay for therapy.
They won't do both. There were always, like, new supplements she wanted to try, and she did want him to still go and see doctors,

and she wanted him to get better.

Jake had these horrible, horrible contractions where he would scream when they happened,

because they were so painful, and you could just see his arms especially just locked in,

fully flexed, his hands fully flexed, and this would go on for minutes, just horrible, horrible, horrible contractions. You'd see muscle spasms in his leg, where you'd see it so tight except for that muscle.
He was incontinent, so he had a condom catheter for urine, and he, or depends, he couldn't eat on his own at the time. That was all through the G-tube fed with formula.
Just from being in bed all that time, he would get super hot, and we had a fan. We'd roll him on the side, blow the fan on his back.
His nails were just chronically infected from being contracted all the time. We used to put little towels in his hands to try to prevent them from digging in, but oftentimes the contractions would go right over the towel and right into the palms of his hands where it would dig in.
It was just horrible to watch, really. See how this poor kid lived day to day, in agonizing pain all the time.
within the first couple of months he had a particularly bad storming episode where he actually turned a color i still have yet to see again just making all these awful noises and pretty much like a movie how like a death is portrayed in a movie that that's how he looked. I remember being there at the house for a very long time that day, because I kept thinking, any minute now, he's just going to stop breathing.
It was violent, it was really the word for it. Violent shaking and horrible noises and turning awful shade of purple.
There's something called modeling that you look for in the feet when someone is about to pass. It was hard to say because he was kind of all purple, which, again, I've never seen that before either.
That's the only time I've ever seen something like that. His vitals were all over the place.
He was hyperventilating. It was really awful to see.
We certainly didn't think he was going to survive the night. I'm preparing the family that tonight's going to be the night.
She seemed to accept that this was it. I just remember him kind of hovering over me, checking things out.

And he goes, well, Ellen, I think he only has hours left. It didn't really ring the alarm for me.
until I got rolled or moved and my eyes glanced in my chest and it was blue. I'm like an avatar.
This might be it. The hospice nurse says, if there's anyone you'd like to call to say they could buy a snails their tongue.
And she called her mother-in-law,

and she called her mother-in-law, and she didn't call my family. And then the hospice nurse says, Is there anything else I could get for you? She goes, I think I want a priest.
I'm like Jewish. The priest showed up like it was for me, and I was read last rites.
I just remember saying to myself, well, I guess I'll take all the help I can get right now. While this was happening, my hospice nurse took it upon himself to call my dad.
They said, you better come. He's dying.
I said, I can't come. There's a restraining order against me.
He says, we got that taken care of. Just come.
Jake heard his dad enter the house with police escorts to say goodbye to him. Jake didn't know exactly why the cops needed to accompany his father, but he assumed that it was the result of the fight on Chinese New Year.

They gave me only a few minutes. It was pretty tragic.
The cops were kind of like rushing this. My dad's like crying and coming close to me.
and my wife is muttering words, nasty things, like, well, he's, like, crying to me. About your dad? Yeah.
And whispering in my ear, like, it's okay. It's okay, my boy.
You're going to go see your mom. It's okay.
It was, like, very heavy and sad. A heated conversation broke out between the family members in the room.
Jake's dad, Derone, was escorted out of the house. I'm just like, guys, everyone, like, you can all be sad or like angry or like whatever, but just stop giving each other shit.
As all this bickering is going on, I experienced this very strange experience, but I believe this was the closest you can come to death. In fact, I believe this, what I experienced, might be death.

I'm looking at the ceiling. It was like this hum of a fluorescent light started

dolling out the bickering.

It was getting harder to hear that.

And simultaneously, my pain began to dissipate.

I'm getting this kind of calm, and the hum is getting louder, and their voices are now silent.

They're like on mute.

And I'm no longer in pain.

And I'm saying to myself, wow, this must be death.

I have enough time to start thinking about my mom on hospice.

And I know she was in pain.

And it gave me comfort to know.

I don't know, but I felt like I knew that maybe her pain was non-existent at the end. I didn't want to die, but I wasn't scared of it either.
I actually felt calm and at peace. you know when you're watching an old school cartoon the picture kind of gets closed and

it's like this black surrounds it it was like that slowly it was like losing more and more and more and now i'm just seeing it lit and then like lights out and i had enough time to say, I just died.

And I was asleep.

And then I woke up and I was in horrible pain.

And I said, oh, fuck.

Still here.

Still here. Still here.
So in my brain, it was nothingness until I woke up. And I have no idea how many hours went by.
Remembering this traumatic event is taking a visible toll on Jake. God, that near-death experience makes me, like, tear a little bit.
Not cry, but, you know. It's just so crazy.
I wonder, like, what happened on the other side. Who sent you back? Why were you sent back?

Because it sounds like you did die.

Yeah. I mean, I

would say my mom.

I certainly didn't think he would

make the night, and he did.

And

he made a liar out of me.

Further on, or maybe a couple

months after that, there was an incident

where he incidentally

or and he made a liar out of me. Further on, or maybe a couple months after that, there was an incident where he incidentally removed his trach, to which, you know, he obviously shouldn't be here.
But he started breathing on his own. By some miracle, he no longer needed oxygen.
So it was at that point that Jake had survived so far, and she was determined to find a cure. Let's cure him, let's get him better.
And I think the stress started to take a toll. There were some days that she just wouldn't answer my calls, wouldn't answer the door.
So at that point, she was basically doing it alone. The thing about hospice care is it's meant for the end of someone's life.
But Jake kept on living. So shortly after this near-death experience, his hospice care timed out.
And having survived the six months of hospice, medical professionals were not quite sure of what to do with him. The plan was to have him go back to the emergency room, but it didn't quite happen that way.
Jake remembers the day they came to take the medical equipment. He could feel hands on him, lifting him out of his hospice bed, placing him down onto a makeshift bed of pillows on the floor.
His wife begged them not to take it, but it didn't matter. And so, for days, Jake lay there, on the floor of his father's home trapped listening as his wife unraveled he had no way to move no way to call for help completely shut off from the world

his wife now being his sole means of survival I love you. Thank you for listening to Blank.
This podcast is hosted and produced by me, Corinne Vienne, alongside my co-creator and survivor, Jake Handel. Our original music is composed by the brilliant

and talented Michael Marget. We're so grateful for your support.
If you enjoyed this episode,

please consider rating, reviewing, and sharing this story with others. For additional resources,

updates, and behind-the-scenes content, visit our website, BlinkThePodcast.com.

Blink will return with a new episode next Sunday.