4: Heroin or Heroine

Get ready, San Francisco.

The Kronos Festival returns April 25th, 26th, and 27th,

three days of groundbreaking music at the SF Jazz Center.

This year's festival is bigger and better than ever,

featuring five world premieres and five electrifying events.

Be among the first to experience the new lineup,

featuring Gabriela Diaz and Ayane Kozaza,

joining continuing members David Harrington and Paul Vianco.

The festival's insightful compositions and dynamic guest artists

bring the quartet to an entirely new sonic dimension. Tickets and details at chronoscartet.org.
Blink is intended for mature audiences as it discusses topics that can be upsetting, such as drug use, sexual assault, and emotional and physical violence. And in this particular episode, pregnancy and child loss is also mentioned.
Content warnings for each episode are included in the show notes. Resources for drug addiction and domestic abuse can be found in the show notes and on our website, BlinkThePodcast.com.
The testimonies and opinions expressed by guests of the show are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of myself or affiliates of this podcast. Love.
It's the promise of warmth, comfort, and safety, isn't it? It's a force that we're all drawn to as if we're hardwired to crave it. And everyone deserves to be loved.
But love does have a dark side. Choosing who we let close, who we let into the quietest, most fragile corners

of our lives, it's a risk. But the idea of finding someone who seems perfect, who knows just what to say, who makes you feel seen and safe, understood, loved, well, that makes it all worth it, right? But sometimes, instead of safety, we find betrayal.

Sometimes, the hand you hold Sometimes, the hand you hold

can be the hand that pulls you under. Love is a gamble, and it could cost you everything.

This is Blink. I'm your host, Corinne Vien.
I'm Jake Handel. This is my story.
Thank you. I was working as a sous chef in Hudson, Mass.
At a place called the Horseshoe Pub. This place had like 150 beers on tap.
I think a total of 900 beers, and they were trying to be like a gastropub, like doing this fancy-ish food paired with these beers. I was a nicotine addict, and I was smoking a cigarette in the back.
This girl pulls in on like a Harley motorcycle. I could tell she was cute.
There was, like, three spots, the dumpster, and this door, and I'm smoking, like, at the door next to the dumpster. And she parked in one of the spots, and I'm like, is she coming here, you know? The back door, like, she's not a customer.
And I had never seen her. I'd worked

there for a while. She gets off her bike and walks in the employee entrance right by me.
And I was

like, hey, or something. And she was like, hi.
And walks right in. I just said to myself, I'm like,

who the fuck is that? This chick's riding a Harley. It's like badass, you know.
I had a friend

working in the kitchen, too. I remember asking, and I was like, Yo, who's that girl? That's Ellen.
She goes by Elle. She works, like, once a month, tens bar on a Friday night and makes, like, more money than we make in a week.
A few weeks went by, and Jake continued working in the kitchen, seeing Ellen every few weeks. I just remember feeling like she was spending more time in the kitchen than she needed to.
And towards the end of the night, she was on there and I was like, hey, I'm like, we should hang out sometime. And she was like, yeah.
And I'm like, can I get your number? And she was like, yeah. They exchanged numbers,

and a few weeks later, Jake made another move, and he texted Ellen. Hey, this is Jake.
You doing

anything tonight? And she was like, yeah, I got plans, but like, definitely want to hang out

real soon. Another week went by, and this time, Ellen reached out, inviting Jake to a show with

her in Boston. And I remember jokingly said, are you going to pick me up on your motorcycle?

She was a real person. went by, and this time, Ellen reached out, inviting Jake to a show with her in Boston.
And I remember jokingly said, are you going to pick me up on your motorcycle?

She was like, ha ha, no, I'll pick you up in a car.

I remember feeling like I've got to get some heroin in my system so I don't feel dope sick,

but I don't want to do it around her.

I got high, obviously, before, and then I walked out of the hotel to wait to get picked up. At this point, Jake was living in another extended stay hotel after leaving the apartment that he'd previously shared with his brother Max post their big blowout fight.
I'm taken aback because there's like a guy driving and she's in the passenger scene, gets out of the car. Am I the third wheel here? Is this her boyfriend? I have no idea, right? I just remember her cranking her neck.
We're talking a lot and the guy's not, you know, I'm like a friendly dude, so I'm trying to include him in the convo too. Like, what do do you and you know I can feel energy and I can just tell this dude's like not happy that I'm in the back of his car I just remember him talking a lot about selling drugs what a big drug dealer he was like it was a sought after occupation like it was so cool and in my head i'm thinking what dude who's really in the game just advertises this shit what is he talking about they get to the show and it's an edm concert at a club in cambridge massachusetts i buy her a drink or whatever and he goes to some other friends finally.

And she's like, oh, this dude keeps following me around like puppy dog. And I'm like, oh, you don't like that? Who is he? She was like, just like a friend.
He's been wanting to date me for a while, but it's like not going to happen. And she goes, okay, just like one thing I got to

ask you before we, you know, get going here. Do you do like opiates? Do you do heroin? And I'm

kind of like, whoa, like what a question. I answered probably within three seconds, but it was like

time kind of slowed down. I thought to myself, I'm like, well, you got two options here.
Because I really did like her. Without even knowing her, I was attracted to her.
I was like, you got two options here. You can be a total piece of shit in life, or you can tell her the truth and like probably eliminate your chances.
was actively trying to get my shit together so it's kind of like the lie sounded okay and yeah i lied i was kind of like well like i've done it but i don't like do it she goes oh good because i like I like you what a fucking dick I am't, like, do it. She goes, oh, good, because I like, I like you.
What a fucking dick I am. I just, like, totally lied to this chick.
She went into telling me about all the people she knows that have OD'd on these opiates. Particularly, she wasn't, like, against drugs.
She did drugs. Like, we took ecstasy shortly after this conversation.
But the opiates, yeah, she was against that. Later that evening, Jake recalls that Ellen asked him to go outside for a smoke.
She didn't smoke, but it was an opportunity for the two of them to be alone. And that's when I made the move.
I was like, you want to just, like, get out of here?

Only problem, this was pre-Rideshare days,

and the guy who drove them here was certainly not going to be cool with dropping the two of them off together.

This is where being a drug dealer comes in cool.

Like, I remember I had my phone on silent, and I was getting blown up.

I probably had, like, 400 texts of people being like, yo, I need, can you meet

where you at? I need, I need, I need. But I'm on a date, you know, I'm not answering that rant.
Anyway, taking my phone real quick, I'm like, most reliable, like who do I like the most on this list. Dude, like,

sent me, like, 20 texts.

And I was like,

dude, I got whatever

you want. Like, who do I like the most on this list? Dude, like, sent me, like, 20 texts.

And I was like, dude, I got whatever you want, but here's the trick. You can't say anything about it, and you got to pick me and this girl up in Boston

and drive us wherever we got to go.

He's like, on it, dude.

See, in 30 minutes, I'm, like, sick.

And he had, like, a sick sports car kind of pit, you know? I asked Jake at this point if he'd been carrying drugs on him at this time. How was he going to do this deal? And did he regularly cart this stuff around? Yeah.
Not bagged up, but I had like, probably a 10 gram package for a thousand dollar value or something. We're both rolling face in the back of this car, like looking at the lights.
And I just remember us like making out in the back and touchy feely. Get out of the car.
She goes to get something in her car. That's when I quickly, I was like, yo, you got like a piece of paper, a dollar bill or something.
And I just poured a shitload of powder out. And I was like, here, take it.
Get out of here. And yeah, I probably gave him like $700 worth or something for that ride.

You know, I didn't care though. They get a ride back to Jake's car, which was parked at the restaurant where they both worked.
Ellen then returned from her car, and Jake remembers her asking if he would be interested in walking her back to her house. And it was like a five or six mile walk.
but it was like, it was the best walk ever. And we talked for like two hours about kind of everything.
The two get back to her house, which was her parents' house. And Jake recalls that Ellen then invited him into her room.
And despite getting all the signals to move forward, Jake took it really slow that night. He did not make any more moves.
I didn't want to fuck it up with her because I liked her so much. I want to have a relationship with her.
The next morning, Ellen woke in a panic. She was late for work, so she had to leave and take off.
Jake, without his car and with a dead phone, assured her he would be okay. She could leave.
And he walked around lost for about eight miles before finally getting to a place where he could charge his phone. And then he hit up another client offering drugs in exchange for a ride.
Get ready, San Francisco. The Kronos Festival returns April 25th, 26th, and 27th, three days of groundbreaking music at the SF Jazz Center.
This year's festival is bigger and better than ever, featuring five world premieres and five electrifying events. Be among the first to experience the new lineup, featuring Gabriela Diaz and Ayane Kozaza, joining continuing members David Harrington and Paul Vienko.
The festival's insightful compositions and dynamic guest artists bring the quartet to an entirely new sonic dimension. Tickets and details at chronoscartet.org.
That day when she got off work, she texted me. From that day on, we never spent a day apart, actually.
There was this bar in the same plaza of Horseshoe Pub, and it was a dive. Not a place I would typically go, but she liked it there.
It had pool tables, and one thing I learned quickly, she was really good at pool. She told me, I play people in the pool for drinks.
We won't pay for a single drink all night. And she would hustle these people so good.
And for money too. She was like really cool.
Drives a Harley, sick of pool. She likes to have fun.
This is giving Hallmark movie written by a man.

She told me that she owned a house and had just sold it to buy an RV because she was about to tour the country in the RV.

That's fucking awesome.

And I remember being like,

man, that'd be so good for me to get out of here and get away from all these drugs. I mean, that's kind of a selfish thought.
I also love this girl, but how crazy would that be if I got myself actually clean? And over the first two weeks, I drastically cut down on my dope use i found myself so just happy i guess with her that the the early onset of dope sickness was being very much um put off i was so into it that i'd be like wow i've been thought about dope in 10 hours and I feel fine. And my drug dealing kind of took a hit, which I wasn't mad about.
I felt it financially, but I didn't care. Isn't this the plot to so many romance movies? Troubled man and lonely woman meet.
Man changes for the better because of his love for

the woman. And yeah, it's a little cliche, but obviously the movie characters, they need to encounter some obstacles along the way, right? And in Jake and Ellen's case, there was a decent obstacle right off the bat.
Something that, when uncovered, would be the climax in this film. relationship definitely started on a lie and for being totally honest i mean she portrayed herself as like having it going on like own the house on her own multiple jobs this r, very financially independent.

I just felt like, what the fuck do I really have going on?

Ellen asked Jake why he was living at the hotel.

He explained his brother's struggle with mental illness.

And Jake had spent some time at his dad's house too.

And Ellen asked him whose house that was.

I was like, oh, it's mine.

Threw to that lie out there i mean hey what's another lie right interesting plot point building tension when will we see the female character discover her love interest lies oh wait this is not a movie this is jake's actual life so why did he lie you know trying to portray that I was on her level

I suppose. When in reality, my life was like on a downward slope in the last year.
And Jake continued to work on his image, showing Ellen the good in him while trying to secretly work on fixing all of the things he knew were bad. I feel like Jake was kind of looking for some, like, legitimacy.
Like, her parents had a nice home on the lake and all this stuff. I think he wanted to show her that he had some stability, so he wanted her to meet me and my wife.
And we did. I remember he kind of reengaged, I think, at that point.
Not that we'd been completely cut off, but he became a little more, for a month or two, he became more family-oriented. She seemed very polite.
She wasn't afraid of like, oh, here's my fiancé's parents, are they going to like me? I mean, she was just herself, you know. I remember the phone call.
He called me and he said, I met someone. Our name is Elle.
He just sounded so happy on this call. I hadn't heard him sound so happy in a really long time.
And I said, how do you feel about her? He said, I'm crazy about her. And that's when the relationship started with Elle.
I remember she was so pretty and super upbeat. Such a great impression.
You know, she just seemed so together otherwise. We were kind of wondering, you know, what's this woman doing with Jake? It's not that Jake didn't have great potential, but, you know, that potential seemed to be forgotten and left behind.
And yet, here's this amazing, beautiful woman with great energy, joie de vivre. Joie de vivre.
Joie de vivre. I never took friends.
It just seemed to be a disconnect. And yet, who's a stoner? So Jake wasn't the only one wondering why Ellen was with him.
But the full picture started to unfold a bit more as the two continued to see each other. Come to find out, her parents bought her this house.
Yeah, her name was on it. She owned like a small amount of equity in it.
Whatever, it doesn't matter. There were lies on both sides, I guess.
So this RV thing gets, I'm like, so what's the plan here? I've always wanted to visit all these states, and I bought this RV, and I saw it was called the Queen Victoria. It was from like 1970.
It needed work, and she also had a part-time job at a motorcycle shop, which I also thought was sick. And this RV was parked there, and the guy who owned the shop was doing work to it.
I'm like, what's the plan? And she's like, well, I'm going to drive from here down south. She had a playlist for every state, go through Alabama, and swing through the tip of Florida, head more Southwest through Texas, and I'm going to end in Seattle.
And I'm like, why Seattle? This was another thing she kept from me until this point. She was like, well, there's this guy out there, and he's like a DJ, and we'd been together off and on for years he has substance abuse issues and can be like kind of a dick I'm trying to remember what she said exactly but that was his gist and she's like and I'm gonna end there and like stay out there for a while maybe I'll get back with him.
Or maybe I'll come home. I don't know.
I don't know exactly what I said out loud. Maybe nothing yet.
Hearing this, my own heart dropped a bit. It reminded me of some of those past potential relationships that I thought were progressing, only to find out that, yeah, I was B-list.
I was a situationship, unknowingly cast on my own version of The Bachelor. But this Seattle guy didn't really deter Jake from continuing to pursue Elle or potentially joining her for a leg of the trip.
I think infatuated is a word because every moment of my day, I'm thinking about her.

And Ellen was extremely thoughtful. He felt very seen, very cared for.
Jake recalls a time when Ellen decided to surprise him by cleaning his car while he was at work. And Jake left me with some sound advice when setting up this part of the story.
Never clean a drug dealer's car if you don't want to be disappointed. I never seen a man.
Fucking piece of shit, liar. What is this? What is this? You think I don't know what this is? I asked you the first day we met, first day we hung out, do you do opiates? What did you say? I fuck yeah i'm trying to quit i'm so sorry why'd you lie i i didn't want to blow it with you day one i really fucking like you and i'm really trying to get clean and she just railed into me for a while and i was like i deserve it I deserve it thing with drugs it's something you are never honest about ever and your use of hiding from everyone and I was never able to be fully honest even when she claimed she wanted I don't know if this is true but you, be fully honest with me about this.
I, I couldn't do it. I was partially honest about some.
It came to the point where I couldn't even go to the bathroom without her. What are you doing in there? What are you doing in there? And And like probably 70% of the time, you know, I was sneaking hit or something.

It actually started. And like probably 70% of the time, you know, I was sneaking hit or something.

It actually started making me do more.

Anyway, still looking forward to this RV trip.

I was like, look, I want to go with you.

We can go to Seattle, but I want to be with you.

I love you.

I won't be able to do drugs. I might be sick for a while,

but, you know, it'll work. And anyway, it was like a plan.
We were going together.

I gave notice to Horseshoe Pub. It was kind of one of those stomach-dropping decisions.
Like,

I felt like, oh, wow, this is, like, real. And I gave notice, and I started putting money into

of the stomach-dropping decisions. Like, I felt like, oh, wow, this is, like, real.

And I gave notice, and I started putting money into the RV and time and making fixes.

I remember I mounted, like, a 50-inch TV

to our master bedroom in the RV.

Like, it was sick.

And then I got her pregnant a month away before departure. Oh, shit.
I always wanted to be a dad. The way she told me, there was this picture.
It looks like a pencil drawing. And she holds it with two eyes and then turns it around and it's written I'm pregnant on it and I thought it was really cute actually and I was like why are you so sad is this not a good thing and she's like well I don't know what you want and I'm like well I don't know what you want But if you want, I want.

Like, I love you.

It's your choice. Yeah, that's how I feel.
Even if I really want it, it's our choice. Hug, Dirk, Kiss, or this RV trip is like, do we go? Do we not? I was like, fuck.
I gotta get clean. I gotta save money.

I gotta get your job.

I had always told myself, stop doing drugs when I have a kid or I hit 30. One or the other.
Now, we never got to see if it'd live up to that totally. three and a half months in

she was a miscarriage

and it fucking

crushed me live up to that totally. Three and a half months in, she was a miscarriage, and it fucking crushed

me. Obviously, her too.
I went off the deep end. Things weren't perfect between me and Owen.
I just remember us arguing.

It was, um...

I don't know. I was

very sad and I do what I do best in those times of depression. I, I go to self-medicating and this whole kind of, I gotta be prepared to be a father, went out the window immediately, and first thing I did is I went to the bar, started drinking pretty hard, and started doing heroin in the bar's bathroom, just getting fucked up.
I don't think I was too responsive to her calls in this time where i pro you know should have been there for her i was fully back into the heroin opiate use and drinking heavy i stopped giving a fuck of her hiding any drug use. I would smoke this shit in front of her.
I didn't give a shit. That's when our relationship really got fucked up.
Our relationship just got bad. Talking about breaking up bad.
We haven't had fun in a long time. I'm like, let's go out.

I'll get us a hotel.

Let's give this one last shot.

One of my favorite places, always been my favorite place, still is Liberty Hotel in Boston.

Ironically, right next to the neuro ICU I was in for a long time. The Liberty Hotel, what is now a lavish luxury hotel, used to be the old Charles Street Jail, built in 1848.
It was eventually closed in 1990 due to overcrowding, cruel and unusual punishment of the prisoners, and inhumane conditions. But not before housing some notable inmates like Malcolm X and Boston's Whitey Bulger.
And now it's operating as a hotel, and it still plays into its history. So it has the original catwalks encircling the lobby and a bar called The Alibi with celebrity mugshots lining the walls.
Oh, and it's haunted. My favorite kind of place.
And it also has a really great nightlife scene. So, Jake's favorite kind of place.
We're going to have a nice dinner. I'll get a suite.
You'll love it there. We check in, but she's not feeling it.
And in Liberty fashion, our hotel room phone rings. It's like 7 o'clock.
And they're like, this is automated call from Liberty. There's a party in the lobby tonight from 9 to 2 a.m.
Feel free to come. Complimentary first round drink.
And I'm like, there's a party tonight. We should definitely hit that up.
We go down there. It's filling up and it's early.
It's like nine. And she's like, this is sick.
Should we get that? Should we get that acid? And I'm like, you want to trip? It's a little fucking wild for me right now. But if you want, I'm down.
So we go to the car. We get the acid and Molly.
We stop by the room, a drink and she takes i think a tab and i take a tab and then this she used to buy it by like the sheet or something which is like a hundred hits she would like shave a little bit with a razor off each tab i don't know if it was just really strong, which it was, but she would make each hit a little small. Anyway, bottom of this bag have all of these shavings.
She's like, you want any of these shavings? And I'm like, no. And I turn around and she's got this wad she like dumped all these shavings in her mouth and I'm like oh my god

you just took like five hits you're gonna be tripping out of your mind and she's like is it a lot and i'm like it's you're okay though it's it's cool i'm like deep down i'm like oh fuck you know and we go back the lobby party and i mean the walls start moving it's really decorative in there and we're just bouncing around room to room and liberty just tripping out and down in alibi they have a private dj and we head in the back we have this private table and we're just rolling and tripping and touching each other's hair, and we're in our own world. I duck off to the bathroom at one point, take a few hits of dope, and they hit me super hard because I was tripping so hard.
Get ready, San Francisco. The Kronos Festival returns April 25th, 26th, and 27th, three days of groundbreaking music at the SF Jazz Center.
This year's festival is bigger and better than ever, featuring five world premieres and five electrifying events. Be among the first to experience the new lineup, featuring Gabriela Diaz and Ayane Kozaza.
Joining continuing members David Harrington and Paul Vianco. The festival's insightful compositions and dynamic guest artists bring the quartet to an entirely new sonic dimension.
Tickets and details at KronosQuartet.org. We just have this really fantastic night.
We go back to the room, and we have this, like, wild, passionate sex. I mean, real intense, like, love-making sex, right? She's just like, oh, I think I'm pregnant.
And I'm like, really? You can tell? right she's just like oh i think i'm pregnant and i'm like really you can tell and she's like yeah i think you just got me pregnant i'm just thinking in my head is that even a thing i don't know how many weeks later she was pregnant and they told her how far along she was. She in the calendar and she's like i think it was that night i said i got pregnant and and we're pregnant again gotta clean up my act for real gotta stack dough and now i gotta get a job she just has a talk with me one day and she's like, I envisioned me being married before I had a baby.
I'm like, let's get married. She's like, yeah, but like, I don't want to be showing in my wedding dress.
I'm like, let's get married soon. She's like, yeah, but I want a big wedding.
Let's have a big wedding. I go, let's do it on New Year's Eve.
It was like two months

away. Boom, we're getting married all of a sudden.
It's like all happening so fast. We're planning a New Year's Eve winter wonderland wedding at a private golf club.
It's all happening so fast. Long story short, she has a sack of miscarriage like two, three weeks before the wedding.
And man, the wedding cake was going to double as a gender reveal. History repeats itself.
I'm abusing trucks again. It's like, do we cancel the wedding?

And like, you know, she's miserable.

I'm pretty miserable.

And yeah, we got married.

It was a really good wedding.

That was the only day I did not do obiates.

I didn't even drink that much.

I think I had like one champagne toast. As a wedding gift, Jake's Uncle Michael gave them a week's stay at his rental property in Cape Cod, a beautiful Chatham beach house with its own private beach.
And we went down there. and that's when my new wife was like i want i want to know what this heroin's all about i want to know why you're so addicted i want something and i'm like no it is so addicting because it's so fucking addicting and the last thing i'm gonna do is subject someone who's doesn't have an addiction

to this like I'm not doing it and she was like you're such a hypocrite asshole how are you gonna

tell me I can't that's unfair I want to understand why you're so wrapped up in this I want to do it

and I'm like no I'm not giving it to you and she's like fine I'll go get it myself and I'm like no don't fucking do it it sucks I wish I never did this shit it is so addicting I really wanted to not allow this but I just remember I threw the bag on the table and I was like fine do it I'm out of here and I went to a different room in the house and she did it the entire week it was like day four or something she woke up and felt dope sick really dope sick she woke me up crying and she was like i'm shaking this

stuff is so bad i fucking hate you i want to leave i want to get out of here i fucking hate you horrible

I mean

I'm like

the worst

the worst thing with that drug

is introducing someone to it

I mean, even as someone who sold it, I mean, I never sold someone who wasn't addicted for financial gain. There's this cinematic picture in my head.
There's always that depiction of that scumbag dude who probably at one point was a decent person probably still is but these drugs cloud you and that was my first experience feeling like i'm that dude now that has introduced someone to the most addicting substance on planet earth and it happens to be my new wife. I felt so small, so horrible.
God almost wanted to tell her mom. I was worried that she would continue, honestly.
And once you're addicted, you're addicted. I mean, there's no one in the world that could stop you.
She would be out there going to Whistler by herself. And then I'd be in a position where I don't want her to get a hot dose.
I didn't know what a hot dose was, and Jake said it's when it's laced with fentanyl. That's the shit you OD from.

Jake also expressed his concerns about all the things that could happen to her when seeking out this drug. She could be robbed.
She could be propositioned for sex. She could be seriously harmed.
Heroin was very dangerous, yes, but obtaining heroin could also be very dangerous. And maybe I was wrong, but I always felt like I had a good head on my shoulders, even wrapped up in this.
I never wanted to really hurt anyone like that. I knew what was too far.
I think this roots from my depression and the way I kind of like, not the way I was brought up but the way I kind of dealt with things

on my own and grew up handling my grief. I just was like, what I'm doing is hurting me and like only me and I'm okay with that.
You can definitely say, and I'll take it, you know, you were a drug dealer you contributed to this huge problem which i definitely did but i have to say some of the most hardcore people i knew people that i would say whoo i don't i'm not sure if they'll ever get clean honestly i'm one of these people that i know i said when i have a kid, but after two miscarriages, I wasn't sure if I'd ever get clean. But a lot of these people that I would be like, oh, they're never going to get it.
You know, those they did. So, yeah, it's rare, though.
I was very worried for my wife at this time.

Luckily, she just didn't do it again and hated me even more.

Drugs are tricky.

It's an ugly world, and for many, it involves moments of complete desperation and humiliation.

When someone drags you into something like that, it doesn't just leave a mark. It breaks something inside of you.
You can feel completely trapped, completely hopeless. And when the perfect situation presents itself, the things you'll do to escape that feeling, well, it can become unimaginable.
In that place where morality blurs and fear controls every move, the line between protecting yourself and destroying someone else can vanish. And what then is left of the person you once were? There may not be redemption for the people in this story.
No triumphant escape, just a haunting truth. That when we're dragged into darkness,

sometimes we become the very monsters we're running from.