Stop Competing with Other Women (ft. Khloé Kardashian, Lauren Graham, Chelsea Handler, Ayesha Curry)

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What is up, Daddy Gang?

It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

Hi, Daddy Gang, and welcome back to another episode of Call Her Daddy.

I recently celebrated my birthday and I turned 31 years old.

And

as I'm kind of looking back at year one of my 30s, I have to say I feel really, really, really grateful.

The older that I get, I feel stronger, I feel more confident, and I feel so lucky to be surrounded by the people that I have in my life today.

And so

when thinking about it, I think what stood out to me most this past year is how much deeper my relationships have become, especially with the women in my life.

I

truly have been having some of the most honest,

meaningful conversations that I've truthfully ever had in my life, whether it has been from big life transitions like marriage and thinking about kids

to finally being

open

about the sexual harassment that I experienced in college.

I've gotten through this past year by leaning on the women in my life.

And

there is something so powerful about the way that we as women support each other.

And I know it's so easy to feel discouraged by all of the unfair shit that we have to deal with when it comes to double standards, misogyny, power imbalances, all of that bullshit.

Like, I get it.

I fucking hate it.

But today,

I don't want to focus on

what's holding us back as women.

I thought it would be nice today to celebrate what lifts us up.

And so this episode is for women because I think we could use some positivity right now.

I have been secretly working on this episode behind the scenes with some of the guests that I had on Call Her Daddy.

When I sat down with Aisha Curry, Chelsea Handler, Lauren Graham, and Chloe Kardashian, I asked them each questions about their positive experiences about being a woman.

What do they love about it?

What are the biggest lies they've been told about what it means to be a woman?

And how can we as women, build confidence and support each other.

I will say

putting this episode together has been very inspiring, and I hope it feels the same way for you, Daddy Gang.

So let's get into it.

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We constantly talk about the challenges of being a woman, but to you, what are the most beautiful aspects of being a woman?

God, I love...

I guess I love having

friends who

are now I've had certain friends of mine for 20, 30 years

who I've just watched grow, who we have

such a

community and camaraderie.

And like, that is, yes, I have guy friends too, but that is pretty unique to having been in high school together, having, you know, watched each other's families.

Like, I really love that loyalty.

So it's just being, having support and having a great ear, you know, and being a person who,

I don't know, just has a lot of love for the people in my life.

I know like so many people will always remember like when Jane Fonda just kept saying, like, women do this.

Like we sit and we talk and we get deep.

And I think even now being with, I watch my husband's relationship with his friends and they have a great time on the golf course, but like they're not doing this.

Right.

And I do think that is the beauty of womanhood is like we really genuinely love to connect and help each other and understand each other.

And I love that about my female friendship.

So I think that was a great answer.

There's a curiosity, isn't there?

There's like, what is life?

Like, what is it all about?

That I'm not sure, I'm sure everybody has that existential sort of like interest,

but I talk about it a lot more with my female friends.

I mean, I love that.

I think women can handle way more than men.

And I love that we are, we're mothers, we're entrepreneurs, where We're, we can take care of the home, we cook, we clean, we do everything.

And a man could only do one thing.

They really can.

They're like, I'm home from work.

You're like, what?

I just did everything.

We constantly talk about the challenges of being a woman, understandably.

But to you, what is the most beautiful aspect of being a woman?

Sisterhood.

Being a sister, telling the truth, even when it's difficult, to not avoid conflict, to go towards it in the name of sisterhood.

If women are not looking out for each other, then who is looking out for us?

And also, you don't have to like and be best friends with every woman, but you have to be a sister to other women.

I think

empathy.

is so beautiful as a woman.

The ability to care for anything,

I think is so

magical to be able to like take things into consideration, whatever it may be.

I feel like a lot of men, and I'm not going to generalize, but our brains just work very differently.

And that's science.

But to be able to stop and pause

and like consider someone or something

at any given moment, I think is really special.

And

I think another word that comes to mind is transformation.

So I love how we're like the ever-evolving

caterpillar pillar in its cocoon morphing into a butterfly over and over and over and over and over again.

Like as women, we get to do it so many times.

And I'm grateful for that.

I love how different each answer was and how everyone touched on such beautiful elements of womanhood.

I couldn't agree more with Chelsea when she talked about like one of the best parts of being a woman is the sisterhood that comes with it.

I

also just love how she was honest and she said like, listen, you don't need to be friends with every woman, but you do need to be a sister to them.

And it's so true.

No one else is going to have our back like another woman because let's be honest, no man will ever understand our lived experiences.

And so When you see a woman at work that yes, maybe you don't vibe with her and her personality and she's not someone that you would maybe just go to like drinks with and be social with.

Totally fine.

You don't need to be best friends with every woman.

You don't even need to like every woman.

But the way to actually

start to create and see change for women in having more equal rights and more respect, it literally takes something as small as when you see that woman, whether it's being dismissed or singled out by the men at the company.

whether you speak up for her in the moment or you're there for her in the bathroom as she wants to cry on on your shoulder, or she wants to vent and you can listen and you can relate to this experience she's going through.

That is how we build each other up.

And that's how we're going to make a difference.

I think what Chelsea was also getting at was the unique ability that women have to really connect with each other and approach difficult conversations from a place of love and support.

Like whether it's helping a friend realize their relationship isn't healthy, we have all been there, or

maybe it's a little difficult, but you're like holding a friend accountable for how they let you down.

Regardless of it, like women have this incredible, incredible ability to be able to handle these tough conversations in a way that's caring,

but we also push each other to grow.

And

also, kind of like Lauren was talking about what was so beautiful about being a woman is that

we can easily get to that deeper level together.

We talk about real shit.

We talk about real things and we get into what's actually going on underneath the surface in each other's lives.

Like I personally feel so seen and heard when I am getting deep in conversation with my girlfriends.

It is literally my favorite time.

I love my husband, but there is nothing like sitting in my living room with my girls with a little bit of wine and we are just, it starts maybe even more surface.

And then it's like, oh my God, by the end, we're all sobbing.

We're talking about the most intense shit in life.

And we're like, thank God we have each other.

And it makes me realize that I don't have to go through anything alone.

And the more friendships like this that we can cultivate, then the more equipped we are to handle, in my opinion, the difficult moments in life.

I also think,

like Aisha said, we have so much empathy and care so deeply about the people in our lives.

Like I loved how Aisha said that women have the ability to be constantly transforming, right?

Like society loves, loves to put women in a box.

But

the truth is, Daddy Gang, we are so much more capable than we even give ourselves credit for, right?

Which is, I feel like, exactly what Chloe was talking about when I interviewed her and you just saw, like, she talks about like we juggle so

many different roles and we find ways to multitask in our own lives while still being there for the people we care about.

Especially when you think about

the way society tries to portray women, a lot of times it's weak and emotional and needy.

Like

that couldn't be further from the truth, which then got me thinking, what else have all had to or are still continuing actively to unlearn about ourselves?

What is the biggest lie society tells women?

The biggest lie society tells women is that in order to be a woman, you

have to fall into those social norms.

I just don't think it's fair.

I think it is so,

it's a death sentence for a lot of women because you feel constant pressure and negativity on you to be something that you just might not be and that's okay and so i think i think it's it's hopefully we can get to a point where

people are looked at as individuals

i have so many friends like right now that think they need to have a child in order to be like feel like a woman or experience what being a woman is and it's like no you've

been this way your whole life like you're it's not it's there's, there are other ways.

That you're going to meet some man and he's going to be your prince charming and that you're going to live happily ever after after you and create a family.

And that's it.

I think that's ridiculous.

No, I think you are like living proof of it.

Like you're so happy.

You're so successful.

Every time I see you, I feel like you have like even more energy.

And it's like, it is incredible to know like you can do whatever the fuck you want and it doesn't have to include men.

Or if it does include men, it doesn't have to define you.

What is the biggest lie society tells women, you think?

That you're done with anything at a certain time.

I, you know, one of these dear friends of mine I'm talking about is like working on her second novel while also having a day job, while also dating a great guy.

Like she's, she's like,

there's no,

she, we were having this conversation the other day.

She's like, there are certain things I, I don't even need in a relationship now.

I'm not going to have this guy's kids.

Like, but guess what?

We can do all these other things.

And, like,

I don't know.

I think that's cool.

What is the biggest lie society tells women, in your opinion?

That we need a man.

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From day one,

society teaches women that our purpose and our number one goal should be to get married and to have children.

So many of us unconsciously absorbed that idea that we need a man to be happy and that if we're single, then obviously we're somehow failing in life and we're undesirable and we're unworthy and there must be something wrong with us.

It almost feels like you are made to feel like you're not a woman if you don't have those things, right?

But I think what's so beautiful that these women and so many others prove to us is that it is so fucking powerful to be independent.

You can still be married.

You can still be a woman who has kids and has a husband.

I'm not saying that, but

there is a difference when you're independent as a human being.

It is so freeing to be independent and to have the ability and confidence to focus on yourself.

And I truly believe as I continue to get older, like true happiness comes from doing the things you want to do, not the things you think you have to do.

And

I know I've talked about this a lot on the show, but in my opinion, there is no roadmap or right way to live your life.

All you can do is figure out what you care about and what'll make you happy, daddy gang.

Maybe that is getting married.

Maybe that's being single.

Maybe it will change throughout your life.

Maybe you'll change your mind.

How beautiful is that?

Maybe that's wanting to have kids.

Maybe you don't want to have kids.

Maybe you can't have kids.

So you have to redefine what your version of your life is going to look like.

We adjust, we move, we do all of these things, but whatever is the thing that fulfills you and makes you happy, whatever it is, what I will say, the important thing is that you're taking the time to be

honest with yourself and really pausing and looking inward of like, what do you want?

And why do you want it?

I don't, I feel like we never ask ourselves like, wait, why do I want that?

And that I think is a lot of the times.

It's like, oh, because my parents told me from a young age I was supposed to do that.

Well, do you want to do that?

Well, all my friends were doing it.

And I feel like that's what all women do.

Well, do you want to do that?

And I think breaking out of this external pressure, which is so fucking hard.

And a lot of us won't even be able to completely do it in our lifetime, but trying to go against this external pressure.

I think a huge part of being able to go against it comes from the way that we talk.

to the other women in our lives, connecting with women and understanding how they're making certain decisions.

Like

you then start to learn more about yourself as you speak to women.

And listen, I don't need to be constantly asking my single friends, like, how's dating going?

Are you on the apps?

Like, who can I set you up with?

Like, if you're doing that to your friends who are at different life stages than you, daddy gang, please pause and stop.

Like, there is so much more going on in someone's life than who they are sleeping with and who they are dating.

Like, we as women should start to de-center that conversation as women when we're talking, right?

Like obviously guys are fun and relationships are great and it's so fun to know, but like read the room a little bit of like, is this now the 19th time you've asked your friend?

Like, well, wait, who are you dating?

Wait, you're still single?

Like maybe they want to be.

Let them be.

Let them do their thing.

Right.

Because the idea that you need to have a partner to feel whole, that's just not true.

So daddy gang, you should feel complete by yourself.

A partner should enhance your life, but not become your life and become your identity.

And

I get it, hearing the whole,

you don't need a man, like that speech can get really tired and it can honestly be very annoying, especially if you feel like all of your friends are in relationships.

I get it with the comparison.

But I want to point out, look at the amazing women sitting across from me in this episode.

All of them are living these big, full, incredible lives with super, super, super successful careers.

And only one of them happens to be in a relationship.

There is so much more to us than who we are married to or who we are dating.

That is an incredible part of our lives.

But it doesn't define us.

And I think it's so important that we as women realize we are more than enough on our own.

And it can take time to build up that confidence, obviously, especially in a society that is constantly trying to highlight our insecurities from anti-aging to diet culture to constantly changing beauty standards.

So many industries profit off of women

feeling like shit and perpetuating that sneakily through marketing.

So

I wanted to ask these women how they find and have found the confidence in a society that is obsessed with making us feel like we need to hit this unattainable standard.

How do they deal with it?

Well, first of all, you have to talk to yourself in a way where you respect yourself.

When, when you respect yourself, when you really respect who you are, everyone will start to respect you too.

And we have to stop worrying about what other people are thinking and what other people are doing.

You are on a mission.

You're on a mission.

I'm on a mission.

Your success doesn't encroach on mine.

Your success, whether you're more

successful, whether you've made more money, that doesn't dim my,

I'm on a path.

You're on a path.

The woman who works at the grocery store is on a path.

Everyone is on their own path.

I'm not going to say journey because you know how I feel about that word.

It belongs in a gurney.

But I just, everyone needs to stop being so competitive.

And like the sea, all ships rise with the tide.

As soon as one of us goes up, all of us come up.

So we always have to look at women's success as not a threat, but as a celebration, because it is so easy to be jealous and let that drive you.

And it's okay to have those feelings.

It's okay to feel competitive and to feel jealous of someone else's success, but don't ever act on that.

This is a real practice.

And I.

I will just tell you, it's something

I

have, it's one of my things I've gotten better at with practice.

It's just practice in how you speak to yourself, how you treat yourself, the people you surround yourself with.

And, you know, if you need more positivity, there are a million great books and podcasts.

And it's just, it's something that can be strengthened if you work on it.

But also, I think the practice of counting your blessings might become a little more poignant as you get older, where you're like, oh my God, you know, I know somebody who is having a health struggle or, and it shouldn't be, it's like that thing where, you know,

your life flashes before your eyes and then you appreciate it.

Let's not wait till that happens.

And that is a practice as well of like, wow, okay, I'm not where I want to be or I don't have confidence, or I, but I look at these blessings I have, look at these, whatever it is, so that you can balance that need and want and feeling of emptiness with like a little more fullness.

How can a woman build her confidence in a society that forces us to obsess over our insecurities?

Definitely easier said than done, but you just have to ignore and go against the grain.

But it is easier said than done.

And I think it's also with age comes wisdom.

And when you're in your 20s, I don't know how easy that is to do, especially in today's society with

There's so many ways that people get to you and tear you down even indirectly.

But the older you get, like, there is so much beauty in getting older because you get so much more strength from within, and you realize it's just the noise.

So, drowned out the noise.

Isn't that interesting that as women, they like society makes us so scared to get older as women?

Cause they say, we'll like lose our value and our lust and all things.

And every single woman I've sat with, no matter what age, everyone always says it just keeps getting better, especially when you hit those 30s, 40s, 50s.

It's like, so why?

I think we need to start retraining our brains to be not scared to move forward in life, but also get excited that we're going to get more confident.

We're going to get more sure of ourselves.

We're going to be way more well-equipped to handle the adversity that society puts on women.

I also think it's how you look at it.

So if you look at it, that you're so excited and that all these positive things, then that's what's going to happen for you.

But if you look at getting older as terrifying and you're going to shrivel up and die or whatever it is, then that might happen for you because you're like manifesting that.

And that's all that you're surrounding yourself with.

But I think it's really empowering.

It's literally not going to come anywhere but from yourself.

There's, there's, and there's nothing we can do about it.

It's, so you got to find whatever makes you tick and dwell on that.

Like hold on to it with your little

life.

And it sucks because it's like really easy.

You can, you can spend, let's say like weeks rebuilding your confidence.

And it takes one little tiny thing to knock you back down off that pedestal, spiral your world into that negative zone.

And so it's just, I think, always staying on top of what makes you tick.

What really stuck out to me in every one of their answers was

the same core idea of focus on yourself.

Confidence is only going to come from you.

And I especially loved what Chelsea had talked about of respecting yourself.

The way that we talk to ourselves matters so, so much.

It makes a massive difference in how we feel, how we act towards other people,

the type of treatment that we're willing to accept.

Like it literally start to finish impacts every part of our life.

And I feel like obviously we all have that one friend, or maybe you are in that phase of life where you are that friend who is constantly shitting on herself and just putting herself down.

And it's like,

look, I have been there.

I have been there.

And it can be really, really easy to focus on the things that you don't like about yourself, especially when we get into a cycle of comparing ourselves to other people.

But

trust me when I say, like, it is really hard to

give love and respect to the other people in your life when you also don't give it to yourself.

And it sounds so fucking simple.

Like I feel like it's like, duh, but it's like,

think about,

are you the type of person who you would want to be around?

If you aren't acting like the type of person that you would want to be around and the type of person that you would respect,

then you're going to have a hard time getting to a place where

you can respect yourself, right?

Like, are you someone that is constantly nagging or constantly putting herself down?

Like you got to find a way to give yourself more grace and to lead with more confidence.

And

if you are someone that's listening and you're like, Alex,

bitch, I fucking hear you,

but I just feel like shit about myself right now.

And I can't get out of this fucking rut.

And I can't find a way out of it.

I literally can't.

I want you to know, like, from one woman to another, I 100% get it.

I have hated myself in moments.

I have had zero confidence in moments.

And

honestly, maybe this show also has, although it's hurt in moments if like there's like internet conversation, but it's probably helped because I'm like forced to get on here and I'm like, I got to show up for you guys.

Like find that thing in your life that you have to fucking get in there and be like, I got to fake it.

Here we fucking go, right?

Like Aisha said, it takes so much work to build yourself up.

Just one tiny thing, though, it takes to bring you right back down.

And my advice is, even if you are feeling not so great about yourself, just start acting like someone who does.

Like I,

in not feeling great about myself and not having confidence in the past, and yes, feeling in moments like I was literally waking up and faking it, sometimes every single day.

But in doing that, eventually, I just really did start feeling confident because eventually you're like, it all comes from within.

What do I give a shit about if these people are judging me and they are judging if I look bad or if I'm not sounding great, whatever it be, whatever someone is judging me about, that's on them.

I can control myself.

And so, I don't know, it's not to say obviously that you're not going to have tough days.

I know, of course, I do, but I think I'll be honest, I'm realizing I bounce back quicker now.

And I like

how Chloe said, you know, I think a huge reason for that is age.

As I've gotten older, I've just had more life experiences when something small happens, I'm able to just look at it differently.

And when I was younger, something like

rejection would send me spiraling, but now I have enough perspective to know, oh my God, wait, life goes on.

Yes, this hurts right now, but I will be okay.

And there will will be so many more opportunities.

And I have the tools to build myself back up.

No one else can put me down and make me stay down.

I also think I have gotten better at not being as reactionary.

If there's a problem with another woman that arises, which happens to all of us, I think when I was younger, I had a tendency, like if someone was coming at me, I felt the need to defend myself and one-up them.

And I would go at them and be like, no, you can't talk to me that way.

And blah, blah, blah.

And it would get heated.

And like, now I think if I can't align with another woman, I just don't go at her.

I'm not using cutting words.

I'm not acting like I did in high school.

I just accept that we don't see eye to eye and we just keep it fucking moving.

Cause there's so much more, not only important shit that I could be using my energy towards, but also now I am able to.

Try to have that perspective that even though she's saying these hurtful things to me, she's also clearly going through her own shit.

And you don't have to keep stooping lower.

Just keep it fucking moving as all the women have said in this episode like it just takes time to gain wisdom and that is what is so great about getting older as a woman even though society is like you basically are dead as a woman past 18 you're like

what no

every woman i'm talking to now is like bitch it just gets better don't listen to any of this bullshit You start to understand yourself so much better.

It's easier to handle the situations that get thrown at you.

So when you fuck up or when something happens to you, you're going to be okay.

Cause you're like, I've seen this before.

I've dealt with this before.

I've gotten through this before.

I'm going to be fine.

I'm going to be okay.

And that,

all of that right there is, in my opinion, what builds confidence.

It's going through the shit.

It is actually feeling sometimes like shit and being down and all of that.

Like it's okay when that happens because then you just get better at handling it.

And I think what really gets in the way of confidence is comparison and jealousy.

And I really like how Chelsea talked about this.

We're constantly pitted against each other and it can make us only see in moments women as competition because that's what everyone wants us to do.

So when you feel like you're competing with someone, of course that's going to bring up feelings of jealousy or insecurity.

But we have to let this idea that there's only room for one woman at the top go.

We do.

Men aren't going to let it go.

They love it because the more we compete, the more we chop each other down.

And then it continues to be only one woman in the room.

And guess what they can do?

That one woman?

Control that one woman.

And the more we start to be like linking arms and be like, nope, we're all going to, we're going to fucking come up here together.

That's when it starts to get evened out.

Someone else's win isn't your loss,

which is why I wanted to close this episode out by asking my guests one final question:

How can we as women be more supportive of each other?

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How can women be more supportive of one another?

That is what I absolutely love about me and my sisters is we are not jealous of one another.

We know, and I think everyone needs to be secure enough in themselves to know that there's enough of anything and everything to go around.

And we are each other's cheerleaders.

And I will get really inspired by my sisters.

Like if they're doing something that's really.

Great.

I'm not like, well, why isn't this happening for me?

I'm like, I want that too.

Not in an envy way, but in a way that motivates me.

It's like, I'm going to get my ass in gear.

I'm going to do this.

I'm going to go after that just like they did.

And so we've always been like that, that we are supportive and we're cheerleader vibes for one and we're each other's biggest cheerleaders.

But I really think everyone needs to know that

you can podcast, I can podcast 500 other million people.

That's if you're solid in what you do, it's never going to take away from you and your glory.

And I think that every woman should know when it comes to clothing lines, makeup brands, fragrances, anything, that there's enough of the pie for all of us to eat.

It's like, are you with people who reflect your best self?

Maybe

you need to look within, you know, because if you're having trouble supporting your friends, it either maybe that's, you know, need to work on the greater group or look at what's, why is it bothering you?

How do you think women can be more supportive of each other?

Ooh, I would say

check in on your friends and loved ones when you can.

Respect boundaries if they don't want to be checked in on because that's a big one too.

Some people don't like it when people check in on them.

I think a lot of people have the tendency to make other people's problems feel small to them.

And so I think like really as a woman, like just coming from a place of empathy and

trying to place yourself in someone's shoes with the way that you respond to their troubles.

I'm not worried about women and our long-term success.

I understand it's a scary time.

Women are not going to back down.

We're not going anywhere.

We're not going to stop being women.

If anything, this behavior is indicative of the threat that women...

are to men.

What we're seeing now is a result of men being scared of how empowered we have become.

And we will continue to become more and more powerful.

The point is

be inspired by other women, not threatened by them.

I love how Chloe said seeing successful women motivates her.

She isn't jealous.

She's not trying to compete or take away from anything that they're doing.

She's motivated to make it happen for herself by watching other women succeed.

Because

I feel like when you realize that there's enough room for all of us to succeed, you start to feel like driven, honestly, by other women and you just naturally want to support them because it is so fun to see everyone start to win.

And I know that this obviously is, it's a message that we've heard before, but

I feel like the honest truth is like

in the constant mist of just like negativity and chaos, like I really think we could all use this this reminder.

So Daddy Gang, I hope that you were able to take something away from this episode.

I love having conversations like this and being able to take time to connect with other women over

what unites us and how we can be there for each other.

There

are hard times in life where

Obviously, I could sit and think,

damn, this would never happen to a man.

Like, I don't know about you guys, but I think about that.

I probably think about that at least once a day.

Like, oh, that would never happen to a man.

Or if I was a man, that, like, you know what I mean?

Like, or if I was a man, actually, and I was doing this, like, it would be fine.

But since I'm a woman, or like, oh, damn, if I had a dick, like, would I be

further, or would I be treated differently?

All of it.

All of it.

Like, as women, we are up against the biggest uphill battle, right?

But as women, collectively, I think what we have to also acknowledge is like,

we are not weak.

We are not all of the things that a lot of men think we are and want us to be.

We're so fucking strong.

We do have a voice and we do have a community

and

we're able to show up for each other.

So deeply, we understand each other.

We push each other to be better.

We hype each other up.

But I genuinely have to believe the more we talk like this and the more we highlight our strength as women and the more we celebrate when women have wins, that's when as a collective, it's going to be impossible to ignore us.

And so

today,

I'm happy that we were able to celebrate being a woman.

And I have to have faith that together, the more we talk like this, the more we acknowledge each other, the more we lift each other up.

Like I said, you don't need to love every woman.

You don't even need to like every woman.

But when you see another woman being put down,

when you see a woman being ostracized, when you see a woman being treated unfairly by all the men in the room,

instead of then feeling like, fuck, it's easier to just be silent and to just go towards the men,

stand up for that woman.

And I get, like I said earlier, it's not as simple, I understand, as you standing up literally physically in that moment and going against all the men.

Sometimes it's you follow her out, you go to that bathroom, you look her in the eyes and you go, I'm right here for you because I've been there, girl, and I get it.

I could go on for hours.

I love you guys.

We've got this.

Call Her Daddy is a safe space.

Please write in if any of this brought up anything for you and you guys want me to do another episode.

Also, if there's anything you guys want me to ask future guests of a theme that you want me to get multiple people's perspective on.

I loved doing this kind of episode.

And yes, you guys know the drill.

I will see you fuckers next Wednesday.

Goodbye.

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