How To Talk About Getting Engaged

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Okay, so I was taking calls on our Sirius XM radio show called Dialed In a couple weeks ago, and a girl called in asking a very, very specific question.

She was calling to ask when I think that her boyfriend was going to propose to her.

Obviously, my first question back to her was just asking what conversations she's had with her boyfriend so far about getting engaged in general.

And she said that they have lightly talked about it happening one day, but she's kind of been too scared to bring it up in a serious way again since that last conversation.

And

this phone call really stuck with me.

And as I've been reading your guys' questions and talking to my other friends who are in serious relationships, I have been realizing

this girl is not alone.

So many women who are in serious relationships, even living with their partner, they're too nervous to talk about engagement or ask about it or even bring it up.

And

listen, obviously, like, I totally understand wanting the actual moment of the physical engagement to be a surprise.

That is 100%.

I get it.

I personally loved not knowing exactly what day mine was happening or not knowing any of the details of how it was going to go down.

Like it definitely made it so much more romantic and special for me, in my opinion.

I was surprised by the way that Matt did the proposal, I want to emphasize, but I was not surprised that he was proposing.

And I think there's a huge, huge difference that I want to focus on today because I feel like Growing up, obviously watching rom-coms, we have always seen the girl suddenly getting proposed to and she's like sobbing and she's in shock and she can't believe it's happening and she's getting proposed to in this like big romantic way and she never sees it coming and it's so beautiful and people are so emotional.

But what you think about in a lot of these movies is like they literally never show the conversation that hopefully happened prior of the couple discussing like what they want for their future, what the marriage that they want might look like, what they have mutually agreed upon would be a good timeline for the life that they want to build together.

Like all of these conversations that led to the proposal, we never usually see, right?

And so

I don't know, like I get it's maybe not as romantic to see those conversations.

So Hollywood is like, oh, cut that out.

But in a normal, real world, healthy relationship, Daddy Gang, these are the type of conversations that happen and need to happen before a proposal and before an engagement.

You should be able to talk openly about

your financial circumstances that surround getting engaged.

You should be able to talk about the impact it would have on both of your lives.

And you should be aligning on when you would want it to happen in a rough ballpark, right?

Like this is a 50-50 decision.

It is a huge choice that needs to be made together.

An engagement, the physical act, fine, he can have the surprise, but the actual decision that you're getting engaged needs to be a 50-50 decision.

Why are we giving men so much power when it comes to this giant milestone in both of your lives?

If you find yourself waiting around wondering if he wants to marry you, wondering if you're wasting your time, then it's time to take some accountability and take some action and ask this person and talk to this person.

Like you're in control and capable of having a conversation with your partner.

If you just roll over and give him all the power on one of the first major life decisions as a couple, I want you to think about this.

Imagine how it's going to set the tone for all of the upcoming decisions that you guys will make in your life together.

Or maybe actually what I'm trying to say is like he will make them and then you'll just like fall in line.

And so

I really don't think it needs to be this big scary thing.

And to be honest, if it feels that way, if going and talking to your partner about timelines and engagements makes you feel scared, my first question back to you would be to really ask yourself: like, maybe you're not in the right relationship.

Maybe this isn't actually an equal partnership.

Why would you want to marry someone who you don't feel safe talking to about something that should be so exciting and fun, but more importantly, is one of the biggest decisions that you are ever going to make in your life?

Emphasis on the word your life and a decision that you should be a part of.

Do you know what I mean?

So,

I today kind of want to talk about how you could approach this conversation.

Again, I know maybe to some people it's easier said than done.

I bet there's people watching this right now being like, okay, Alex, like

I, I guess I would love to bring up this engagement and all this to my boyfriend, but like, how do I do it?

So, I think that you could say, like, hey, babe, I know that we have talked lightly about our future.

And the more and more serious that we've gotten, I

know you know, like I love you so much and I'm in this.

And so I wanted to have an open and honest conversation with you about

how you're feeling about the natural next steps that come.

in a relationship, which would be engagement, marriage, do we want kids?

Like how we're feeling about all of that.

I think I just want to open the conversation for us so we know if we are on the same page moving forward, because it's important to me and I'm hoping it's important to you.

And so

basically saying, why don't we have an open discussion about timelines and how we see the future of this relationship?

Like that is the, that's the bare minimum start.

And it is okay if during this conversation, you realize that each of you have slightly different ideal timelines when it comes to engagement.

I just want to first pause and be like, that is okay.

Sometimes it's more normal that people are like, oh, I wanted this and you wanted this.

Like, I actually think it's quite common maybe if you guys are on a little bit of different pages on the exact timeline, but I also want to acknowledge maybe some of the different factors that could be contributing to this misalignment.

Maybe one of you in the relationship isn't feeling settled in your career yet.

Maybe someone knows

they need to do a little bit more self-work and work on themselves before they're ready to commit to a marriage, or maybe it's finance related, right?

But

what I want to really emphasize today is like, these are things that you should be talking about and discussing when determining if your partner and you are ready to take the next step to get engaged.

Like,

this is not a quick in-and-out conversation of like, oh, do you see a future together?

Like, do you want to get engaged and have kids and get married?

And it's like, yes.

And it's like, woo, I can't wait.

Like, I'll see you at the aisle.

Like, no, no, no, daddy gang.

If you are going to agree that the goal is an engagement and marriage, there are so many conversations that need to be had before that.

And I beg of you to have these conversations.

Like, number one, are you aligned on wanting kids or not wanting kids?

Do you have the same idea of what family means and values?

Are you guys religious?

Have you talked about that?

Like what religion and how that would play into your dynamics moving forward?

How are we navigating that?

What are your career goals?

Would you move if that was needed for one of you with your career?

What is your financial situation?

Like, do you even know how much this person makes?

You need to know how much your partner makes before you are marrying them, Daddy Gang.

Like, you should never be getting engaged to someone if you don't have all of these answers, right?

I hope.

Okay.

Everyone's like, um, I haven't asked any of this.

Like, please, you need to be aligned on what you want out of life.

So when that you are initiating these bigger conversations about engagement in the future, you have this clarity and you have this like, okay, great.

I then do want to get married, right?

You shouldn't just like want to get married because you really like the person.

Oh, I love him.

He's so great.

Amazing.

That, guess what, is the easiest fucking part of a relationship.

Being attracted to someone and loving them, amazing.

Hey, guys, there's like 9 million other things it takes to be a good partnership, to be a good parent, to be a good partner, to be like all of this.

There's so much more to go into a fun engagement.

I also want to emphasize for women listening.

When you bring this up to your partner of like, hey, I want to talk about our future and all these things,

you should not be made to feel stupid for bringing this up.

You should definitely not be told that like, oh, well, it's not your decision to make.

Like I'm not talking about this with you.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

Yes, it is my decision if we're going to get married or not.

Like what?

And I think it's really common and one of the most common that men try to minimize the conversation and they kind of shut it down when a lot of women bring it to them.

They'll be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll figure it out.

We'll figure it out.

That I feel like so many people have written into me being like, I keep trying to have the like engagement conversation with my boyfriend.

And he like always somehow finds his way out of it and is like, we'll talk about it.

Like, you're stressing too much.

Like, stop being this and that.

First of all, if someone says that to you, like, yeah, yeah, we'll figure it out.

Daddy gang, I'm not going to gaslight you today.

That's not a real answer.

If your partner continues to push it off or dismiss you or like, no, no, no.

What I think they're trying to do in that moment is make you feel needy and insecure and like you're doing too much and like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll get there.

I'm here to tell you you're not doing too much.

You're actually doing the bare minimum of like trying to see where the relationship is at.

And if he won't engage, biggest fucking red flag.

So.

You need to set a boundary with yourself that you will power through that conversation until you have clarity about the direction that you're both moving in.

Do not let him dismiss the topic.

You need to leave the conversation with some clarity on where you both stand on things, even if the clarity, as hard as it can be, but even if the clarity means that he is not thinking about your future together the same way that you are.

Or even if you get clarity from him that he's not ready to discuss engagement, he wants it one day, but he's not there yet.

Got it.

Great.

Now you know.

And then you can make a decision if you want to be with someone that is not prepared to think about taking the next step with you.

And that's on you, but at least you know that, right?

And I will

note that

I think sometimes women, we can trick ourselves when

we hear a guy put up a conversation.

We almost convince ourselves of all of the reasons why like, no, no, no, it's fine.

And he'll come around and maybe I just caught him off guard.

Like that's why he's being kind of dismissive.

When it's like, I've lived it.

I'm telling you guys, no.

Like he is telling you he's not at the same place as you and he is avoiding having these conversations with you.

And you should never want to force someone to get there.

Like if you continue to be that person that you keep kind of like trying to make it work and it's not working and then you're like making up all these excuses as to why, just take what he's showing and telling you at face value.

Like I have seen some girls write in who are like, Alex, my boyfriend and I had the engagement conversation and I thought we were fully on the same page and we agreed to engagement, but it's been two years and there is still no ring.

Now, if I'm trying to give this man any fucking benefit of the doubt, because I rarely do on the show, give men the benefit of the doubt,

maybe he is saving for the ring and he.

that isn't going exactly as planned, or maybe he's putting so much pressure on himself and he's waiting for this like perfect vacation moment to do it and the ring and all that and it hasn't worked out and blah blah blah but what i will say to all of you listening if you are hitting the two-year mark and dare i say even the year mark after having a conversation with your boyfriend where you both decided you're ready to get engaged And you have literally heard nothing.

It's just crickets for a year and then two years.

I think it's more than okay to check back in.

Like, but clarifying, obviously, you're not going into the conversation, like, hey, where the fuck is my ring?

Like, you're a liar, you're a piece of shit liar.

No, no, no.

You're kind of more checking in less about the engagement.

And I think it's more of like, are we still on the same page?

I think you have to approach that conversation in a way that doesn't immediately put him on the defense, let him share his side and hear him out.

But

again,

this is a huge decision.

And you both want to be able to feel like you can be open and honest.

But I think you can go to him and be like, hey, I just wanted to have a check-in with our relationship.

I know that two years ago we talked about an engagement.

And

I don't want me coming to you to come off as just solely like pressure, where's the ring?

What's happening?

I'm coming to you more as a check-in to make sure that we are both on the same page.

And I just just want to hear from you, like what, what's going on with you and how are you feeling?

Because

I'll be honest, sometimes it really does take, I guess, two years for people to get things in order and they need to figure a lot of stuff out.

But what I want to emphasize is the way that works is the couple is actively communicating through the process of those two years.

Like both sides are aware of what the holdup is.

You should never be sitting in your bathroom at night with a pit in your stomach before you get into bed with him because you guys just attended your friend's engagement and it was beautiful and it was amazing.

And meanwhile, you're sitting there and you have zero fucking clarity on when yours is going to be.

And it was two years ago that you guys had that conversation and you've never talked about it again.

Like it shouldn't get to the point where it feels awkward to like watch.

a like wedding or an engagement scene in a movie and you both are like stiff and awkward on the couch because you're like, oh my fucking God, like we literally haven't talked about that in so long.

Like I wonder what he's thinking.

No,

that is like, guys, what the fuck are we doing?

And I get it.

Some people may think that it's hard to talk about this topic to their partner, talk about like, hey, we said we're getting engaged, nothing's happened.

But I think it's way more awkward to be unable to openly communicate with the person that you're about to spend the rest of your life with.

How are you going two years and never having a check-in since there wasn't a ring?

And we're just like both kind of skirting around it, right?

Listen,

if his feelings have changed, let's just pretend they do, right?

Wouldn't you rather give him the space to voice that to you and be honest than continue to have this engagement timeline indefinitely, continue to like lightly be pushed and pushed and pushed because he's too nervous to discuss it with you?

Like you should never feel like you're being strung along aimlessly with no end date in sight.

But we also need to be self-aware as much as we're like, okay, it's always the man's problem.

Daddy Gang, you have to look inward if this, if you're in this current situation and ask yourself, like, are you making it impossible for him to even say that he's changed his mind?

Are you the only one at dinner really talking about your future?

And he's kind of this passive listener and you're so focused on getting the ring, getting the ring.

I need the ring and getting married and the wedding and oh my God, and all this stuff, you're not even able to see that the person sitting across from you isn't in it anymore the same way that you are.

Everyone's situation is obviously going to be slightly different, but overall,

my advice is if something feels off, if you have a gut feeling, Or even if nothing feels off, but you just want to talk about it with your partner, then speak up and open the conversation up between you and your partner about timelines, engagement, marriage, and what you guys want for your future together.

Because this isn't about pressuring anyone into a decision, but it is about partnership and being on the same page and making decisions together.

No one person in the relationship should get to call all the shots about what your future looks like.

It is so valid to want a proposal to happen and want to be surprised and want to give yourself like this gorgeous moment where you're shocked and you're surprised and he's getting down on one knee and you're like

but also give yourself the autonomy in the decision ahead of time like

don't be shocked that you're getting married like you're you don't have to be this like bride that's being like handed off and you have no decision like you do have autonomy you do

And the right partner, ladies, will respect you for initiating these conversations.

And you will feel so much better to have that ring on your finger knowing that that man sees you as an equal partner going into your marriage.

So

listen, I know, like I just kept saying, like every situation is different for people, but the theme that I continue to come back to is a lot of women being shocked.

of either he hasn't proposed, I don't know why.

Stop asking yourself why and just go ask your partner.

Just literally turn to your right in bed and be like, hey,

what's going on?

Again, it doesn't need to be about the actual physical ring and the actual act of the engagement.

It needs to be about you deserve to have an understanding of where your relationship is at.

And I will also say, if you feel so in the dark and so upset and confused and lost, but you still want this engagement from this person, but you guys are that disconnected that you can't even like turn to him and just be like, hey, can we have a check-in?

Like, what's going on with our relationship?

And how are you feeling?

And I know we had a conversation about, if you can't do that,

I would go as far to say, you're not ready to get married

because a marriage is so much more, like I said, than love.

And I could do a whole episode on that.

And I know I've only been married for so short, but like.

I think something that I really tried to do with Matt, and I'm not saying my relationship is perfect whatsoever, but I think something I really, really tried to do with Matt, and we both made a concerted effort to do is like, we had some of the most uncomfortable, hard conversations before we even got engaged.

We talked about money.

We talked about family.

We talked about religion.

We talked about finances.

We talked about character, values, moral, all the things that sometimes like led to like long multi-day discussions or we had to come back and talk about it or go to therapy.

Like all of this led to then marriage now being.

pretty lovely.

And I'm not saying it's easy, but like it's pretty great because we've already had those steps and we built that foundation.

If If you can't have a hard conversation with your partner about actually something that's really exciting for the two of you, then you probably know that you and your partner are on very different pages.

And we should pause and stop talking about an engagement.

And we should more so focus on like, hey, let's work on our relationship and our communication and what we want.

And let's just put engagement off for two seconds.

Like, are we good?

Because why would you want someone to propose to you just because they feel like they have to?

I want you guys to have the most special engagements ever, daddying.

I want you guys to have someone who is head over heels for you.

And you deserve that, but you also deserve to have a say in the decision before a man gets down on one fucking knee.

So I love you guys and I hope that was helpful.

I know it's stressful, but it's helpful.

And if you guys want me to talk more about that topic, I am happy to do so.

But

for now, we are going to go and do a little thing I like to call questions of the week.

I'm on vocal rest right now, bitches.

so I'm not gonna do you know my big fucking intro.

And I also think, like, maybe you guys don't deserve it.

Maybe you guys need to like miss it for a week and be like, oh, because if I give it to you guys every single week, then you're gonna be like, then it just becomes normal.

And then you're like, we expect it every time.

So I want you guys to be like, damn, I really wish she did those weird voices.

Because remember when you guys slightly used to bully me and tell me to stop?

Sometimes maybe I just have to stop.

And now you're all like, wait, do it.

No, let's answer some questions.

Okay, here we go.

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Okay, Daddy Gang, question one.

How do I ask my boyfriend to clean his apartment before I come over without sounding rude or like a total bitch?

We've been together for three years.

We're both 25.

And I almost never go to his place.

Mostly because I'm a clean freak and he lives like a 12 year old boy.

His room is always a mess.

Clothes everywhere, cluttered surfaces dusty and his sheets are rarely cleaned.

Ew.

Plus, he has a German shepherd, so there is dog hair everywhere.

I literally have to wipe my feet before getting into his bed.

Oh my God.

I'd go over more if it wasn't so gross, but I don't know how to bring it up without sounding naggy help.

First of all, babe, you aren't sounding naggy.

You literally sound like an adult and you sound like you're dating your son.

Like this is unacceptable and you should not be having to be like to a 25 year old.

Like I, he doesn't even have his sheets cleaned.

Like these are like little, I was going to say cum stained sheets, but now in hindsight, like I doubt you guys are even having sex when you're over there because you're like, I'm going to get a fucking UTI from God knows what's on these sheets.

That's your boyfriend of three years and you guys are 25 years old.

You are adults.

You should have this conversation.

And I think what you have to say to him is, babe, I love you, but I have to be really honest.

Something something that I've been struggling with in our relationship is I don't want to not just go to your apartment.

That's your space.

And being in a relationship is like going to mine and going to yours.

And the reason I never feel comfortable going to yours is because of the way that you keep your apartment.

And it's getting to the point where it doesn't feel like you care about your space.

And it's, I'll be honest, like it gets a little gross.

Like I'm like going on these sheets that haven't been washed.

And it's like, it feels like we're living in a frat house and we're both adults.

And I want to obviously be in a relationship with you, but like, how do I have this conversation without being disrespectful, but also say to you, like, I need you to get your shit together.

My first worry, though, for you is like.

Any man that I've ever met who has a disgusting apartment, it isn't just that that is a disaster in their life.

Usually it means their jobs are a disaster or they're like emotionally a disaster.

Like something else in their life is also just so disorganized and a disaster.

And so I think for you, I'm a little protective being like, girl, do you want to be with someone that acts like a boy, even though he's 25 years old?

I think you deserve to have the conversation with him, but then I think you should also look inward and think to yourself, is this showing up in other areas?

From one messy former messy bitch to you, I would say there is a difference if your clothes are everywhere and whatever.

But then there's also like, if I ever had a guy over in my New York City apartment, I would clean that shit up before he came over.

It's almost like common courtesy.

You can be disgusting in your own space, but you shouldn't force other people to feel disgusted.

So I think that you need to have a conversation about setting a boundary and kind of these like expectations in your relationship.

And I know it sounds maybe weird for some people because we're talking about fucking sheets and dog hair, but

it's probably just based off of this one little question you wrote.

And I bet if I asked you a follow-up, it's probably showing up in other areas of your relationship.

I know that boys obviously mature later than girls, but it's not an excuse not to just like get a fucking cleaner, okay, or clean it yourself.

And last point, what you're not gonna do is you are not going to give up because you've said this to him multiple times and he doesn't listen to you.

And then you become his mother and his maid and you end up cleaning up.

We are not gonna do that.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

That's literally disgusting.

Okay, question two.

I started hooking up with this guy casually toward the end of college.

Nothing serious, just fun.

Then by chance, we both ended up moving to the same city after graduation.

Since then, we've kept seeing each other.

He's super consistent, calls all the time, takes me out, and is honestly such a great guy.

But for some reason, I still can't bring myself to actually date him.

He asked to be exclusive more than once, and I kept saying I'm not ready.

I like him, and I know he'd treat me right, but I just can't shake this feeling that something is missing.

Am I being ridiculous?

Is this a me problem?

Should I just grow up and realize how good I have it?

Please help.

Okay,

um,

if there was ever like a definition to the word settling, everyone, this is the perfect example.

This is a classic textbook.

Boom, boom, boom.

You know, I could just move on and say, no, this is called settling.

To break it down a little bit more for you, I would say that it feels like you only like him because it's comfortable.

You guys moved to a new city, obviously.

You don't know that many people.

He's comfortable.

He's familiar and he's nice to you.

So obviously you're like, fuck, I guess I'll just keep hooking up with him, but you know in your heart, you don't actually want to take it to the next step and date him.

I also think when you've known someone for that long and you still don't want to take the next step, then you just start to kind of waste your time.

And I'm not saying that you can't keep hooking up with him, but I'm always a firm believer in like, you won't find the love of your life or your next boyfriend if you're still fucking around with like previous energy.

You need to like get rid of that so that you, because you do carry a certain energy.

When you're out at the bar and you're, you're looking for guys, but at the back of your head, you know, like, I could just still call Steve and he'll come over.

That is giving you a constant out, and you're not being forced to be uncomfortable, put yourself out there because you have this guy in the back burner.

What I also will say is

I understand that it's really hard to have a really nice guy and be like, is there something wrong with me that I can't see it?

But I need ladies to like really, really, really take this to heart because it took me a really long long time to also figure this out.

A man being a nice guy to you is bare minimum.

The fact that you're like, I don't know if I should leave him because he's just such a nice guy.

If that's the only reason you're not leaving him, I get it.

There's so many assholes and dicks and gaslighters and love bombers out there in the world.

I get it.

I've dated so many of them, but don't just stay with someone because they're nice to you.

We are literally licking crumbs off the floor, girls.

Like, I believe there will be another man that's also nice to you that you're attracted to and you're into and you're in love with and you want to spend the rest of your life.

I know it's out there for you.

So stop settling and let's move on.

Okay,

next question.

Daddy, please help.

I left college junior year when I got pregnant and I moved back home, which was about a six hour drive from where my friends are still in school.

When I was pregnant, everyone was super supportive.

My friends even made the long drive to come to my baby shower.

But once I actually had my daughter, I felt a shift.

She's nine months old now, and none of my closest friends have met her.

I get that they're still in college and living their lives, and I don't expect them to drop everything, but it's hard to not feel hurt.

They spend money going out, traveling, partying, and they haven't made the effort to visit.

I love them, but if they don't care about meeting my daughter, I'm starting to wonder if they should still be in my life.

This is really tough

because I hate to say that I see both sides.

I do want to just validate you.

Like,

yeah, that's really fucking shitty that they haven't even met your daughter.

Or, and I don't, again, I don't have all the details, but if they were never like, girl, like, I know the semester is insane for us, like, we need to FaceTime, like, send us pictures, like, blah, blah, blah.

Um, I want to validate you.

Like, I can imagine that really hurts because it's one thing if you left and then they kind of never followed up, but the fact that they made the effort to your baby shower, it's like, damn, but then now I have the kid and like you won't even like come and see me once.

What I do always want to do, though, is now let's think from their perspective.

And

I think that the most selfish point of my entire life and most people's lives is when you're in college.

You are a fake adult, you have responsibilities, but you really don't have responsibilities because hindsight is always 20-20.

And then, when you get into your 20s and you actually have a real job and you actually have to like take care of yourself and make a living for yourself, but also a living that will last you the rest of your life, like you're like, oh my God, I had it so easy in college.

college.

I was literally a baby, a baby.

And so everyone in college is looking to just enjoy themselves and go out and have fun.

And I'll be honest, thinking about driving six hours to go see a baby,

yes, for your friend, but I'm just trying to, I'm trying to just get in their headspace for you.

Not saying I would do this myself, but like why I'm thinking they probably haven't visited is because one, They're probably like,

girl,

you can make half the effort too.

like i'm not gonna drive six fucking hours on a friday no the best fucking party is happening like do you know what i'm saying they're not in the position that you're in right now and i think that's what you have to realize is you are quite literally on the opposite spectrum of life and where you're at compared to your friends right now your friends are in selfish mode party mode you know fun friendship mode boy mode like they're not

if anything they like probably get the ick from babies right now they're probably like i don't even want to be near a baby.

Like, I, you know what I mean?

So, I think a lot of people are probably like

not as interested as you would like.

And I can imagine that hurts.

But I think first you maybe have to recognize and accept where they're at.

And I also think you need to stop dwelling so much on how they're not showing up for you and start showing up for yourself.

So, is there somewhere you can now build a new friend group?

Maybe you can start to go where other moms that you've met, whether it's through, you know, daycare or

if there's like a mommy and me class that you could join or whatever it be at the park that you meet other women, like, I think you need to start finding people that are at the same place as you.

And I do think you could reach out to your friends, but I do think you may need to meet them halfway.

I think you could say, hey, I know you guys are super busy.

I'm super busy.

I would love for you to meet my daughter.

Like would love to brainstorm with you guys, like how we could make that happen.

And also, aside from her, like, I miss you guys.

And to try to make you not feel as bad also about maybe why they have kind of left you and not come to see you.

I think there's something too, when you're really young and immature, like everyone is in college, like they maybe feel shame.

Maybe they feel really bad.

And so I think all of this does though come down to you're at different life stages, but I do think you should communicate this to your friends because I think they probably are embarrassed that they didn't show up for you.

And now they're just digging themselves into a bigger hole because they're like, I literally don't know what to do.

Like she's a full-blown child and I'm like fucking taking jello shots off of like girls' tits on a Friday.

Like, we are not the same anymore.

But one day, you guys may all be back at that same place in life.

So, maybe give it another shot.

Um, okay, next question: Hi, daddy.

I need help.

I recently decided my look didn't make me feel confident.

I wanted to try out a new aesthetic.

So, I went from long, long brown hair to a blonde, pixie, shortcut and bleached brows.

And I've also also been switching up my style.

I feel so much better about myself.

The issue is, I can tell my boyfriend finds it less attractive.

He would never say it, but I can see in his forced responses and small comments that he preferred the way I looked before.

I'm genuinely conflicted about this.

Feeling the loss of attraction for my boyfriend is killing me, but I truly love how I look now.

Should I go back to what I know he liked?

What do I do?

Okay,

first of all, I think all this is coming down to, and it's kind of like what I talked about at the beginning of this episode: you need to talk to him.

Like, so many things I think in relationships, understandably, don't get resolved because no one fucking has the balls to say it.

Because I get it, it's like if you don't bring it up immediately, then time has gone on, and then you're both living in this space, and you haven't been acknowledging how fucking weird this is.

But then, one of it's just talk to him.

I think you can sit him down and say, Hey, babe, I wanted to talk to you because I know I made a pretty drastic change to my appearance.

And it sounds like you didn't warn him or tell him about it.

And

I can feel in moments when we're talking, there's this disconnect where I'll be honest, sometimes I even think you're kind of making

me feel like you don't like the way I look now.

You're not like outwardly saying that, but it's these little things like you used to say I'm beautiful and I'm used to say that and you don't say that anymore.

So I'm from contextual clues that you're giving me, I'm gathering that you're not, you're not trying to smash, smash, okay?

And I want you to want to smash, but I also want you to respect my decisions.

And so I think you need to have an open conversation.

Here's my thought process because men are so fucking dense.

Number one, if you didn't give your boyfriend a heads up about this transformation, not that you needed to, everyone's different in a relationship.

I think if I was going to make a big change, I would go to Matt, not at all for his approval, but one, I would want his just like first, like, to tell him so he was in the know of like a big decision that I was going to do to myself because we are in a partnership.

And I think that's kind of like

the kind thing to do sometimes.

Also, I would want to hear his opinion.

Like, and if he was like, no, then I'd be like, well, I really want to do it, but I want you to hear from me why.

My biggest fear for you is because none of this happened, maybe your boyfriend is literally like, I have no idea what's going on with her.

Like she bleached her fucking brows, she cut her hair to a bob.

She changed all of her hair cut.

Like, what is going on?

And you guys know the fucking memes on the internet and all of us know when everyone's like, when a girl cuts cuts her hair and fucking dyes it she's having a mental breakdown maybe he thinks you're having a fucking mental breakdown and he's like what is going on and maybe you're not or maybe you are but you guys need to talk about it right um but i can validate you in saying like men are so stupid and instead of him just initiating be like hey babe like i just want to talk about like i love you and i i was more just like thrown off because you didn't give me a heads up so i'm just like acclimating the fact that he's making these little jabs it's not okay you are happy and you like the way that you look and that is so important.

That's all that fucking matters.

And he needs to get on board, but I do think you need to get to give him the chance to get on board.

You need to include him in this conversation.

You need to go in, not be attacking because he may be like, You've been acting a little whatever, and I just didn't know what's been going on.

So, I've been kind of treading lightly, just like waiting to see if you're okay.

Like, you don't know where he's coming from until you fucking talk to him, and he won't know where you're coming from of all these hurt things that he's lightly saying things until you express it to him.

So,

communication.

It literally is the most annoying fucking thing because it's like, duh.

And then you get there and you're like, how do I fucking get these words out?

Listen, the amount of times, I mean, Matt and I have talked about this.

We've had so many fucking hard conversations that now, if anything, we're like, okay, I hate this, but we have to talk.

You can even start it like that.

Like, this is going to be awkward or this is going to be whatever.

But if you're really in love, it shouldn't be awkward.

The awkward part is just starting a frictionful conversation.

And then once you get into it, if you have a respectful partner who will always validate you and respect you, you will be able to get through all of these conversations with fucking flying colors, daddy gang, okay?

If you're constantly so scared, though, after a few intense conversations that you've had with partners, this is a big advice that I think I can share with you guys.

A lot of times being uncomfortable with going to a partner, it does even sometimes in the beginning have to do with your partner, right?

It's because

one, as a woman, I just feel like we're trained to be like, just shut the fuck up and grin and bear it.

And you're like, wait, no, I'm like really uncomfortable and I don't want to live this way.

And so you go back and forth between trying to just like be easy and appease the situation, but then also standing up for what you know.

So the first hard moments and hurdles you get over when you're trying to establish having deep, honest, but sometimes uncomfortable conversations in your relationship, your fear is coming from yourself because you're like, oh my God, I hate fucking having conversational conversations.

But once you have a couple in your relationship and your partner proves to be someone that is reciprocating and wants to engage with you then it should get easier and easier if it doesn't get easier and easier then it's not as much about your past as someone who's struggling to be confrontational and it's more about probably what you're being met with across the table your partner is showing you you should be scared to have these type of conversations because i'm not going to respect you I'm going to yell at you.

I'm going to demean you.

I'm going to put you down.

And that's what we have to figure out, ladies, Is like, are you in a relationship where your partner actually genuinely wants to fucking grow with you and wants to solve problems, or does he want to win the fucking fights?

Next question.

Hi, daddy.

I need your advice on something that's been bothering me for a while.

One of my closest friends has had this habit of constantly one-upping me in conversations, and it's starting to wear me down.

No matter what I share, she always finds a way to respond with something bigger and better.

If I say I had a hard day at work, she had it worse.

If I mention a cool place I traveled to, she's been somewhere cooler.

If I share a win, she somehow has a more impressive one ready to go.

I don't think she's doing it to be malicious, but it makes me feel small.

How do I bring this up without sounding jealous or overly sensitive?

Okay.

Oh my God.

I feel like we've all known that one person that does that.

We're like, oh my God, I had the worst day.

Me too.

Oh my God.

You know what?

And you're like, oh, okay.

Okay.

Or you're like, oh my God, I had such a good conversation with my boss today.

They told me I'm going to get a race.

Wait, I got a raise.

Wait, let me tell you.

So I, and you're like,

okay.

And then you just sit there and sip your fucking drink.

And you're like, why?

What is even the point of me opening up to you?

A lot of times I think there's two parts to this in a friendship, which I'm,

I hate to admit.

Number one, I think a lot of times when someone does something like this and consistently does something like this, they're always acting from a place of insecurity and they also are not hearing themselves.

I think this is a very unself-aware person.

They're unable to see how they are acting in a conversation and they're going all based off of like these knee-jerk reactions and it's all reaction based out of their insecurity and so i'll be honest if this is one of your closest friends i definitely think you should have a conversation but if i'm going to be even more honest than that i i would go as far to say sometimes people like this it's going to take a really long time for this person to change and it's going to take potentially a lot of friendships being lost for this person for them to finally go to therapy and be like, why have I lost all of my closest friends in the past few years?

And then they realize like, wow, I am acting selfish and I'm acting insecure.

And like I, every time my friend is talking to me, all I'm doing is finding an in to make it about myself and who the fuck would want to be around someone that is constantly turning the conversation back towards themselves.

Like we've all been there where you are listening to your friend and they're so normal to be like, okay, wait, I'm, I'm not making this about me.

I just want to like relate to you for a second.

So I wanna share with you, like this has happened to me.

And when this happened to me, I felt this way.

So I wanna validate you because I've been there.

Or I'm gonna bring this back to you because I'm just wanna let you know, like I went through this and what I learned was this, not that it's the same as yours, but I just wanna share it.

Like.

Friendship is knowing when to, it's all about the person, let them have their fucking moment.

Or if you're gonna make it about yourself, it's because you're bringing it back to your friend.

And then all of a sudden, once you handle your friend, then it is gonna be your turn to speak.

But who wants to have a relationship relationship that doesn't have reciprocity of like, you go first and I'll go second, or I go first and you go second?

I think what you can do is have a conversation.

You can be like, hey, I feel like

every time I go to share something with you, we somehow get to this place where it immediately becomes this comparison.

And I.

don't feel great when that happens because a lot of times I'm coming to you and I am trying to confide in you and then it somehow becomes about you and I want to just have a conversation because I love you and I love our friendship, but I'm struggling to open up to you because a lot of times I'm looking to just kind of like talk through things.

And then I also, of course, want to talk through your stuff, but the comparison and almost this like competitive nature is, is, I'll be honest with you.

And I know this is like a little bit of a tough and awkward conversation, but like I'm shutting down and I, and I

don't want to hide this from you.

I want to be honest with you about like, is there a way that we can have a more effective communication when we're together?

My fear for you is this is like a really, really deep-rooted habit that you can try and you can try, but sometimes you got to know like.

maybe this isn't the person that you're sharing a lot of stuff with because you're not going to get your end result and you're not going to get support.

You're just going to be met with like, I'm wasting my fucking time.

And as we get older as adults, I think that's like the scariest thing when it comes to friendships is you start to really figure out like who you want to invest your time in because you don't have as much time when you're getting older and you have more responsibilities and you have your romantic relationship and your family stuff.

And so when you have a friend that is that combative and competitive, it's hard to move forward.

I'm sorry though.

That really fucking sucks.

Okay, next question.

Father Cooper, please help.

I feel so awkward talking about sex, not just with my boyfriend, but even with my friends.

I don't know why.

I want to be more open and confident, but I get shy and uncomfortable.

I don't care when other people talk about it, but I never feel natural jumping into the conversation.

I want to spice things up with my boyfriend too, but I'm struggling to bring anything up or to be talkative, all of it.

How can I be more confident talking about this?

Okay, honey, you came to the right place.

My first bit of advice is it's going to be, first, it's going to be baby steps, right?

Like you are not just tomorrow going to be a fucking freak, you know?

You're not going to be hitting him with some grade A dirty talk overnight and feeling like, oh my God, I'm confident.

Duh.

It's baby steps because let's be honest, like.

This is deeply ingrained in us from how we were raised, right?

And most people, not only do most people not grow up in a sex positive household, most people are growing up in a household that it's actually met with shame.

Shame, especially for women to talk about sex, to talk about

the act of sex or pleasure or even enjoying or touching yourself or enjoying any of it.

Like for boys, it's more common.

For girls, it's a no-no.

So that deep shame from such a young age, from the first memory you have of anything sexual, that's going to stay with you and it's going to be really hard to retrain.

I do think, though, there are things that you can personally start doing alone before you feel the pressure to do it with your boyfriend or to do it in public and engage with your friends who maybe be more outwardly sexually liberated.

I think that you can start liberating yourself from within.

And so my number one, number one, number one piece of advice is, girl,

you need to start reading smut.

Good old smut.

Okay, I think porn is so fucking scary.

Like we don't need the giant penises.

We don't need the like fake orgasms.

We don't need all of like the terrifying overperforming stuff.

I think you need good grade A smut.

And I have just the book for you because I read it last year and I've recommended it to all my friends who are ever in a little bit of a sexual slump.

Twisted, it's called the Twisted series.

Read Twisted Love, and you will be horny, and you will be turned on, and you will be like, Oh my God, why is my vagina throbbing?

I'm getting excited.

Some of it's a little like, okay, this would never happen, but the sex stuff, it'll get you right where you need to be.

And you may be laying next to your boyfriend and you're reading all of this.

And what I would say is: one, act on it, obviously, if you're turned on and you're like, wait, I'm going to to put my book down and I want to have sex.

But number two, I think that you could journal.

I think you could journal about your sexual fantasies or journal about sexual things that you like or want to do.

Or you could even as simple as write down in your journal some of your favorite lines from this twisted book and be like, that really turned me on.

Starting there, I think, in this like fantasy world will allow you to slowly ease in.

And it's not so much pressure on you because you're just engaging with this world that's fun.

And like, I'm telling you, you shouldn't feel weird because I was like, oh my God, I'm so turned on from this.

And I told Lauren to read it and I told all my friends to read it.

And everyone's like, this is fucking hot.

So yes, I think start with that.

But listen, I get it.

I think everyone has a different relationship to sex.

And when Caller Daddy started, I think that was one of like clearly the biggest.

things that was the goal of this show, right?

And as much as people can look back and whether there were like moments that were problematic or a little too much, like the goal was to take it all the way to the point that it maybe did make people feel uncomfortable, but we are so fucking shamed for even talking about sex that if we're going all the way to the other side, maybe hopefully it can help women get a little bit closer to center of like, you deserve to embrace your sexuality.

You deserve to enjoy sex.

You deserve to be able to like masturbate and not be like, oh my God, why do I feel so awkward when I'm masturbating?

It's because of the shame.

It's because there's something so deep within you that you don't maybe fully relate to anymore because you're not that young girl anymore, but

that is still in us.

So when you feel sexually like you're at this blockade, it's probably because of the deep-rooted shame that you experience.

You can also talk to a therapist about that.

I think talking about it with another woman can be really helpful

because listen, we've all been there in some capacity.

It just is determining, it's kind of the determining factor for you is like how deep is the shame.

And then we kind kind of have to work that our way out of it.

So I get you, girl, and

I love you.

And I'm really sorry that you're dealing with that, but I'm promising you smut will change your fucking life, bitch.

Okay, next question.

Is it unrealistic to expect my boyfriend to get more spontaneous with sex?

In past relationships, I've had the type of sex that's hot and steamy where we rip each other's clothes off the second we get home from a night out.

I'm not saying I need that every time, but it's certainly a nice variation.

With my current boyfriend, we have never had that.

I've tried making out with him when we get home.

I get turned on, and then he'll say, Should we get ready for bed?

Then his whole bathroom routine will take 20 minutes.

He'll lock all the doors and turn off all the lights.

Wait, what?

In the bathroom or where you are?

And honestly, I've lost the mood by the time he finally comes to bed.

The passion level feels like we're 10 years into a marriage rather than months into dating.

How do I fix this?

Oh my God.

Wait.

This to me, and I don't want to freak you out, but this to me, without a doubt, does not seem like anything is wrong with like the spontaneity in your relationship.

I think you have a bigger problem.

Like, this sounds like this man is fully avoiding having sex with you.

Locking the door to the bathroom is fucking crazy, especially for like a man.

Like, and he's doing a nighttime routine.

It's one thing if he's like, babe, like, I got to go take a shit, like, leave me alone.

Every single night that you're saying the pattern as you go to come on to him and try to start having sex when you get in the door and you're trying to have a hot and see me, and he's like, let's get ready for bed.

And then he's in there doing his fucking 10-step fucking routine on his face.

Also, like, where did he get that 10-step routine?

Do you know what I mean?

Um, my first note is he's avoiding having sex with you, and then my brain goes to why is he cheating?

Is he gay?

Is

something is just not adding up, especially because it's months into dating.

This isn't like you're married and you're telling me, but like, this is months into dating.

This is when your chemistry should be off the fucking charts.

I think end of day, you need to have a conversation.

And I hate to say this to you, but I don't think this, yeah, I think what you wrote in for understandably is you're like, girl, I want to have spontaneous sex.

And meanwhile, I'm like, wait, girl, read what you just said.

This man is literally running into the bathroom, locking the doors, and then turning off the lights in the bedroom where you're sleeping.

So it's like, Rah, goodbye, baby.

And he's in there, like, hopefully she falls asleep.

Hopefully, she falls.

And he's waiting to know that you're going to be like, okay, well, now I'm not turned on.

That's he, that's purposeful.

That's calculated.

This is not a mistake.

This man knows exactly what he's doing.

Okay.

So I think you need to sit him down and have a larger conversation.

Fuck the spontaneity.

And you need to say, babe, I want to be really honest.

Something has been

upsetting me lately, and I haven't been, I haven't been able to shake it.

And I want to be open and I want to have an honest conversation about our sex life.

Multiple times I have tried to have fun when we get home and I try to, you know,

come on to you and try to initiate sex.

And you consistently have turned me down.

And not even in a way that's just directed, like, hey, I'm not in the mood tonight, but in a

almost passive aggressive way of like, yeah, yeah, well, let's first get ready for bed.

And then you're calculatingly like, and then he's clearly not coming into the bed and actually even trying to then start having sex with you so it seems like you need to have a conversation but i worry for you you already have your answer because if a man is hiding from you in the bathroom while you are basically like pussy lips spread ready to go

he's gay

or he's fucking someone else or he doesn't like you And, or your vagina smells, but that's like one in a million billion.

Your vagina doesn't smell.

It's fucking perfect.

And he's a fucking lying piece of shit, but we just don't know what he's lying about.

So get under there and get to the fucking bottom of it.

Okay, daddy gang, that is it for this week's Sunday session.

Obviously, I always want you guys to feel comfortable to write in.

Everything is anonymous.

And I get it.

I think a lot of the questions you guys wrote in were really

fair and valid that you guys are struggling, whether it was over a friendship that you're like, I can't figure out, I feel shitty when I'm with this person, but I love her, but she like all of that to then the sex stuff, like all of us are dealing with this in some capacity.

And so just, I'm grateful that you guys feel comfortable enough to write in.

And I'm hoping that in any capacity, I was able to help and give some advice from all of my life experiences thus far.

Okay, Daddy Gang, you know the motherfucking drill.

I will see you fuckers on Wednesday.

Goodbye.

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Anything to help, I suppose.

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