Hannah Berner: How to Scare Men (FBF)

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Speaker 1 What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

Speaker 1 Hannah Berner, welcome back to Call Her Daddy. This is incredible because you did not have to have me back.
No. Bitch, you did not have to.
No, I was just thinking about this.

Speaker 1 I think you, Lauren, and Harry are like the most recurring guests I've ever had on Color Daddy. I've never had.
That was my only goal in life. I know.
It was to be a regular Uncallor Daddy.

Speaker 1 And I was like, but

Speaker 1 I do have to say, it feels like a family reunion whenever I come on. I know.
Everybody that's not watching, so Hannah texted me

Speaker 1 and she told me that she wanted to give me a heads up, that she would be wearing jorts. Out of respect.
Out of respect, to which I said thank you because that does shift the energy. Completely.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be honest. When I think of jorts for women, I think of jorts that are just like kind of the color of like my jeans.
Like what's like Stasi wearing like hot cute jorts. Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we didn't go that direction. You walked in.
I said these more look more like floods where like your pants are literally just like too short for you. I look like I stole a kid's pants

Speaker 1 and put them on. But Hannah, I'm gonna have to get a video of you because to be fair.
Do you guys have video on this pod?

Speaker 1 This is a camera.

Speaker 1 Is it the camera? I love how I like thought for five seconds you're being serious. I was like, yeah, wait, look into the camera.
Well, also, this is the thing about me that I I learned in college.

Speaker 1 I have a long torso and nubby legs. I didn't know that.
I didn't know I had short legs until someone told me, and then my whole world shifted. Who the fuck told you you had short legs?

Speaker 1 Someone who had, who was jealous of my long torso, because it goes on forever, and I've learned to embrace it. I'll have Britney Spears.
Wait, was it a woman or a man?

Speaker 1 It was definitely like one of my good friends who was like, well, Hannah has a long torso. And I go, Has everyone been talking about my torso for years and no one told me?

Speaker 1 That's like when I was in college and the girl told me that everyone was talking about my banana roll under my butt. Do you know what a banana roll is, Hannah?

Speaker 1 No, and I don't want to know because now I'm going to be paranoid about what a banana roll is. It sounds cute.
No, I only have one cheek.

Speaker 1 It's just like a little extra fat under the lip of your butt cheek. And they would talk about how I have a banana roll.

Speaker 1 So then, of course, in my most insecure days when I got to New York City, I remember I went to a surgeon and asked, is there a way to remove this little chubba?

Speaker 1 You go during a dark time, during a really dark time, I went to this woman and I asked her, Can you slice it off? And she's like, sweetie, it is not a big deal.

Speaker 1 A banana roll is one of those things that is girl-on-girl crime. No man has ever been like, whoa, I'm not fucking that girl.
She got that banana roll thing. Thank you, Hannah, because you know what?

Speaker 1 More to love. A little extra, oh, it's just like a labia, an extra big labia.
Yeah. Yes.
Make that labia clap. Make that labia clap.
The last time I saw you was on tour.

Speaker 1 My tour. And I remember when I was sitting down creating my guest list and Boston was the opening.
I was like, First of all, I was just shitting my pants that I was even doing a live tour.

Speaker 1 And I was like, who, I need someone I'm going to feel so comfortable with that will like lights out, kill it.

Speaker 1 So if I fail, if I freeze, if I fuck up, this person can just like take the thing and run with it. I also feel like you knew that I would never be judgy.
Yeah. Like if we failed, we failed together.

Speaker 1 And we would make fun of ourselves. If I would cringe, you would be like, you did, you did good.

Speaker 1 We can work. Like, you would be honest with me, but you wouldn't like make me feel bad.
You would just be like, I've got you. I'll come to the next fucking show.
I felt like a teammate.

Speaker 1 You felt like I got called up to the majors just to like vibe for a sec. So Hannah comes on tour with me.
We open in Boston. and I will never forget you walk out.
Actually, you didn't walk out.

Speaker 1 Hannah starts doing the worm. And although I think you like,

Speaker 1 did you do the worm or did you chest bump the ground and bounce back up? It was, okay, that's, that was an attack. Okay, that was an attack.
I risked my life for you. I risked my whole body.

Speaker 1 My lower back was fucking killing me from the flight. Anyway, we'll talk about that later.
But then it's so loud from the cheering, we can't hear each other. This is what we need to get into.

Speaker 1 Because, no, this is, okay, so when you think of standing on a stage in front of thousands and thousands of people You're already like ooh I'm I'm getting anxious I'm gonna shit my pants literally you guys I could not hear a word that Hannah was saying

Speaker 1 either so picture this I'm asking Hannah something about like dating Yeah, and all I remember is you start speaking and I read your lips and you say bondage.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I am literally like where the fuck is she going with this? And then the crowd is laughing, but I have no idea what you're saying. So I start fake laughing.
I'm like,

Speaker 1 so i you were like laughing at parts that like weren't really the right part so i could tell and you had like a little fear in your eyes and i was i just go i'm like i need to start monologuing because we're not going back and forth here so i would monologue and then like give it to you but like we were fighting for our life in the best way like the high was incredible though it was insane it was with good energy it was perfect and now you're here and you have a netflix special like it's crazy we're gonna talk about the netflix special a little bit later because i want to go through it all

Speaker 1 but first we're just gonna to have a good combo because

Speaker 1 I just want to get silly with you. And I have so many things I'm thinking about for like the summer girlies that are listening.
I think we have a lot to talk about.

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Speaker 1 First and foremost, because maybe if someone hasn't listened to our previous episodes, could you just share from your recollection? It's okay if you don't remember.

Speaker 1 What are some of your like best collar daddy moments? I have to say

Speaker 1 first time, you know, I'm going to say, sleeping with the mascot, I didn't expect to go as viral as it did. I didn't either.
Shout out Bucky Badger. You little animal in the bedroom.

Speaker 1 Like I go to Wisconsin and girls will be like, I fucked Bucky too. Like, it's become a.
Yeah, Hannah fucked the mascot. If you're reading contextual clues, she fucked the mascot.

Speaker 1 But it was me like flexing for him to be like, yeah, like my type is professional athletes.

Speaker 1 And you were like, I'm the closest thing I've ever come to fucking an athlete is the motherfucking mascot of the college team.

Speaker 1 The funniest thing, though, is that before him, I was with the like six, eight studley football guy that I thought everyone wanted, but he like wanted me to go to Bible study.

Speaker 1 He has CTE, so I don't know how he read a Bible. And he was just like, so not my type, but I thought I should like him.
Of course. And then instead, I liked Bucky.

Speaker 1 But the funniest thing about Bucky, which I don't know if I even fully explained, was that like he rejected me in the end.

Speaker 1 Like he was one of those like guys who you're like, oh, I'm doing like a make-a-wish. And then he hurts you more than anyone.
You're like, make it. I go, this was what the fuck.

Speaker 1 Like, one of my most embarrassing moments was I got drunk. Okay.
I remember I was going there for the summer and I was so excited to see him.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, when you're playing music, just like dreaming of all the moments you guys are going to have together,

Speaker 1 i was like i have a boyfriend this summer i have a boyfriend and i got drunk and i went up to him at the kk the bar where he was the manager i know he was a mascot and manager no i know he was like double life but like hannah montana no jaw anyway so no jaw yeah so i was like this is gonna be easy like we can do this shout out he dms me sometimes i love you i'm not lying you know that he has no jaw like you're saying it's like just let's just say he wasn't studly but he was funny and nice and i was was like, Hannah, this is what you need.

Speaker 1 And then I go up to him. Now, this was very specific for the time.

Speaker 1 I go, we don't have to be Facebook official.

Speaker 1 But like, you can date me.

Speaker 1 Don't hear from him for two weeks.

Speaker 1 Hannah.

Speaker 1 To the point where, like, I go out and like, you know, when you can't enjoy the conversation with your friends, because you're just like, this literal mole rat of a man who's running around like skipping as a mascot is not responding to me dude those things make you grow they and we me and him laugh about it now and he's like honestly i was young i was scared whatever he probably regrets it to this day what is bucky up to now but sorry

Speaker 1 looking now like your early 20s it's so chaotic and i feel like the girls are trying to establish like a nice connection with a guy guys are trying to like show off for their friends.

Speaker 1 We want two different things. How did any relationship ever work out in your 20s? It's impossible.
It's literally impossible. I'm sorry.
I just have like a visual of you.

Speaker 1 Like, what sport was he the mascot for again? All the sports. Oh Jesus, like horror.
What? How did he have the time?

Speaker 1 What? He was friends with the hockey guys. Okay, so I'm picturing you showing up to one of the games that he's got his full like mascot duty on.
And are you like walking past the mascot?

Speaker 1 Like, do you know what I mean? When you're like trying to make eye contact with the guys? Eight guys who are mascots and you don't know who's the mascot that day. So you'd see him.

Speaker 1 No, literally. I'd like to give him a little tab.
I'd be like, oh, wrong mascot, more wrong buggy. Sorry.

Speaker 1 Hannah. So I would just hope, you know, it was him.
And I would look at him and his beady little eyes. And then he's like, fuck off, bitch.
And you're like, oh, sorry. You're not him.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 You're like, can you quickly show me your chin? Nope, not you. Also, I don't want to slutchen myself.
But you know how you block stuff out? I actually made out with another Bucky.

Speaker 1 So I hope he's not jealous. If he's listening to it.
Through and through, she's always been a mascot lover. Ran through the mascots.

Speaker 1 Ran. At least a light jog, I would say.

Speaker 1 Let's talk about drinking. Yes.
What are you doing this summer? Are you raging? Are you keeping it chill? Are you sleeping in your bed like and getting in bed at seven? Like, what's our vibe?

Speaker 1 So I actually have never been a good drinker. Oh.
Like, I in college wanted to be a good drinker. Like, I would, we'd be pre-gaming, and I'm like, okay, let's get fucked up.

Speaker 1 And I would, I was always the younger one of the like tennis teams. And I just remember getting pulled to the side by like one of the girls and being like, hey, can I talk to you for a second?

Speaker 1 You're at a 12? Everyone else is at a four. We need you to calm down.

Speaker 1 So then I would be like, oh, I thought we were getting drunk. Okay.
And then I would like start getting tired. And then at one point in the night, I'd be at a four and everyone else is blackout.

Speaker 1 And then I get sleepy. So I'm like the worst.
I'm just not a fun drinker. Like, are you, if I took you to dinner tonight, would you be like doing two cocktails and no?

Speaker 1 Or are you not even having a cocktail? The thing is, I don't need a cocktail ever. I'm an eater.
But like, if there's a celebration, I'll do one. I'm doing it.

Speaker 1 If someone's peer pressuring me, like, well, I'll do it. Like, I respect the effort of a good peer pressure.
I do have to say, after reality TV and I stopped getting paid to drink,

Speaker 1 I stopped drinking.

Speaker 1 I basically was like, there are so many days that the cameras go up and they're like, okay, we're having a theme party. And you're like, oh my God.

Speaker 1 And I don't like theme parties and I don't like partying.

Speaker 1 I hate a theme party. I hate a group of people that I don't know.

Speaker 1 And you, like the last time I blacked out was on reality TV, but if you black out, You have to during the parties the only way you can get your mic off is if you jump in the pool.

Speaker 1 So if I'm ever in the pool, that means I'm black out floating around just like farting in the pool just hoping that they don't ask me to have a conversation because they'll be like hannah come up and like fight with this person i'll be like i'm in the pool i can't get out hannah oh so i got in big trouble once why so the first thing they say they're like the only rules are like if you're gonna go in the pool take off your mic that's the only rule and they treat us like we're kindergartners at a summer camp they'll be like i'll be talking to someone like oh they want to go in the pool and they'll be like hannah if you want to go the pool let us know first so we can take off your mic oh my god are you gonna go in the pool and i'm like

Speaker 1 i'm hungry i'm gonna going salami. So like they're just dealing with like toddlers.
So then at one point, I decide to do like a sprinting cannonball because I love attention.

Speaker 1 And I was like, guys, let's just, and I start running. I do a cannonball.
I land. I get up.
Everyone's looking at me like I just drowned their baby. No.

Speaker 1 Everyone's like, oh, and I'm standing there and I'm like, was it bad? Was it bad?

Speaker 1 The mic guy, audio guy, starts running knees up, like Olympic sprinting towards me, hops in the pool and like yanks me out and he like takes it off me and like huff huff puffs leaves and they're like okay he's really mad at you

Speaker 1 and he I'm sorry it's a mic pad apparently they're like really expensive and the mic person like it's their own mics oh fuck so you little piece of shit so he was like this dumb drunk bitch and I remember like seeing him the next day and being like

Speaker 1 sorry I was a little bit drunk and we laugh about it now but like I was never more scared in my life um whiskey dick

Speaker 1 Oh my goodness. I haven't had like, well, I guess I'm trying to think back to like college, I feel like was like whiskey dick central.
Have you have ever had like a weird experience with whiskey dick?

Speaker 1 So as an Italian, we call it al dente dick.

Speaker 1 Oh my god. And that needs to be normalized.

Speaker 1 You know exactly what I'm talking about. It's like a little hard.
It's a little hard, but you're not, it's not good. Okay, you're not going to give it five stars on Yelp.

Speaker 1 I actually hate al dente. Is that like criminal to the Italian? People fuck up the pasta and just go, it's al dente.
And I'm like, no, it sailed up. It sales.

Speaker 1 Same thing.

Speaker 1 Or just like the macaroni that like you put in the microwave. That's like guys' dick sometimes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The smushing of a guy's dick into your vagina.

Speaker 1 People don't talk about it enough. Cause then how does it also feel so not good when it's so innocent, but just feels like...

Speaker 1 When I used to be fucked up in college and I would like see that he clearly had whiskey dick and he's like, no, no, I got this, I got this, I got this, and he's doing the whole thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there, even if I had literally taken a bottle of tequila to the head, there is nothing that sobers me up faster than being like, oh, just put it,

Speaker 1 what the fuck are you doing? And then all of a sudden, I'm completely sober and I see his little weenie.

Speaker 1 It's just, I think, let's give advice to the daddy gang.

Speaker 1 The next time

Speaker 1 that Willie takes your pants off, and little Willie is

Speaker 1 al dente, as Anna Vermer likes to say.

Speaker 1 And you want him to have a little cream sauce coming out.

Speaker 1 Mistakes are like cats sometimes, where it's like

Speaker 1 if you want it to get to come to you, like they won't come, you know? Like, you know, it gets so mental. Like, you're playing all these games.

Speaker 1 You have to, like, not look at it and pretend you don't want it. And you know what he did? You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 Because he'll be like, don't, like, don't look at me right now. Like, it's happening.
And you're like, are you ready? Don't, don't ask about it.

Speaker 1 Like, so you have to like look away and like, don't be intimidating and don't put pressure on him. It's like a whole thing.

Speaker 1 If people would wear a shirt that said dicks, you would need merch that say, dicks are like cats or cats are like dicks. What the fuck, Hannah? I guess you're kind of right.

Speaker 1 We have to normalize that sex is not good a lot of the time. And I love talking to you about it because I feel like you've shown women that they can have.
the sex they want to have.

Speaker 1 But I also know just from numbers, just from girl math, you, with all those good experiences, you have had to have some of the most horrible experiences in bed to get there too.

Speaker 1 Hannah, it's almost like if you had to count the bad, I would be able to count the good orgasms I've had on my hand over the bad.

Speaker 1 Like every experience, I guess I would consider up until the age maybe of until I met Matt and maybe a couple stragglers, bad. bad.
And that is iconic for everyone take notes on what you just said.

Speaker 1 No, and I, you know what? It's interesting.

Speaker 1 I was doing an episode the other day and I was saying how like Matt and I go through periods of like, oh, we're, we haven't had sex in a week like we and I was like oh my god I bet people are gonna be like freaked out to hear that from me because I'm just being honest like we get so fucking busy and even if we're in the same house we're not traveling we're in the same house we're so fucking busy the reality is we go through these lulls where we're like fuck people get too busy to break up it's very easy to be too busy to have sex

Speaker 1 you know that couple that they're like he has a meeting tomorrow and then like i'm going to italy and i just don't and then his mom is busy i just can't and then it's his birthday and you know what i mean i know what you mean oh my god i've done this with my brother so many times where he's like well i can't break up with her here and then i can't break up here because I already invited her.

Speaker 1 I'm like, what the fuck? And he's like, I don't want to do it over the phone. And then, like, she's coming.
But like,

Speaker 1 oh wait, I didn't even think about that. People have plans that they're going to break up and then they just never do it.
It's in the way. So sex gets not like put on the back burner.

Speaker 1 And you're so right. The amount of times that it has hurt that I have not had an orgasm and I faked it.

Speaker 1 The amount of times that they thought they were going to make me squirt and I was really just bleeding.

Speaker 1 Wait, that hit me late. I was like, uh-oh.
You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And then you literally are just like, blood.

Speaker 1 Like, you literally just hide logrifics inside of my fucking so traumatized. In college, one of my friends who was older was like sitting on the floor outside the bathroom and just in college.

Speaker 1 And I went up to her. I was like, are you okay? And she's like, just never do anal.
And I was like, why? And she's like, I've been leaking for five hours. And to that day, I've been scared.

Speaker 1 Like, but that's girlhood.

Speaker 1 That is like the scene from the fucking ring. Like the girl just being like, her head was down.
She was just doing anal. She's like, I can't move.

Speaker 1 my body's leaking i'm like what's coming out she's like have you ever done anal okay i attempted it once in the shower which is

Speaker 1 wait

Speaker 1 i don't know don't do sex in the shower period water is not lube water is not lube it will be bloody don't my friend told me like it is so fucked up you tried anal in the shower because i guess i was thinking like oh my my butt's clean and whatever it was so painful i also want to talk about okay there's so many sex things that you try to do that you don't, like, everyone lost half their virginity, right?

Speaker 1 Absolutely. People don't talk about the half virginity.
When people, because it's the movies, like, he took my flower. No, he literally grazed my lip and then I was in pain.
For like,

Speaker 1 like a tiny bit comes out, and then you're like, am I not virgin anymore? And then he tries to push it more, and you're like, no.

Speaker 1 And then you're like, oh, he's going to sleep.

Speaker 1 No, I do like a whole bit about losing your virginity. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, trying to normalize normalize all the experiences girls have and doing these shows in front of thousands of girls and them laughing tells me, oh,

Speaker 1 we all like lost our virginity. And then he was like, did you come? And you're like, unless the blood everywhere was come, I don't know what just happened.
And I don't want to do that again.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 And then he's like, always accidentally hits your butthole during doggy. And you're like, what is going on?

Speaker 1 And your butthole is like, has the reflexes of a ninja and will be like, don't, don't touch it.

Speaker 1 Like, it is, there's so much stuff.

Speaker 1 And I do have to say for all the younger girls, like my cousin was like going off to college and I was just like, I just wanted to hold her because everyone has bad experiences. I mean, it's so hard.

Speaker 1 I remember once there was this guy who was like, so hot because that's a problem. The hot ones does not mean the rest of it is going to be over.
If anything, it's worse.

Speaker 1 If anything, it's worse because girls have not taught them. They're untrained.
I remember he was like. trying to touch me and it just wasn't good and I didn't like his vibe.

Speaker 1 And he like, I could smell cigarette on his breath.

Speaker 1 And I just remember him being like, ooh, oh i can't deal with cigarettes and he's like what are you talking about i'm like oh i just can't i don't like cigarettes and i just like kept running and he kept chasing me around i'm like the cigarette thing i don't like it but you know that's just like turning him on more that you're being like no more than just throw astrology at them just be like it's giving i'm a libra you don't get it it's just it's a libra thing like i'm an i'm a libra just say it like I literally have a bit about that.

Speaker 1 I didn't put in the special where I'm like, guys hate cats in astrology. So just look at him and be like, my cat's name is Clyde and his rising moon's Aquarius.
He'll be like, okay, never mind.

Speaker 1 Thank you check please hannah weaponize astrology to get him away from you weaponize astrology not rife that shit no

Speaker 1 do it

Speaker 1 use our knowledge of what they're afraid of we're afraid of getting murdered they're afraid of astrology use your weapon no we ride at dawn

Speaker 1 go watch it on netflix now mother fuck how much does that say about our fucking world we're afraid of getting murdered and men are afraid of astrology. I'm going to go fuck my life.

Speaker 1 She says she's a Leo. Like, I don't trust her.
I'm like, I don't trust him because

Speaker 1 I'm obsessed with you. I missed you so much.
No, I love you. These are like the goals.
All I want to do is make you laugh. No,

Speaker 1 my face is hurting.

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Speaker 1 Head to shopify.com/slash daddy to see how easy it is to start your business today. Quick question.
What do you think about retired athletes?

Speaker 1 You're like, put them behind the bars.

Speaker 1 Put them behind the bars.

Speaker 1 Or just take them out to a field and end it all. Honestly,

Speaker 1 it is.

Speaker 1 I think they. At our age, we're dealing with them now.
Hannah,

Speaker 1 I hate to say it. I actually think they could be more toxic than the ones in the league.
Yeah, but, oh, please extrapolate.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 get my diagram out for me, please. I'm like, I have a fucking whole PowerPoint.

Speaker 1 It just goes down.

Speaker 1 So, here's the thing.

Speaker 1 Although they don't have like that fight in them technically as much anymore in terms of like they're on the road, they've got the road beef, like they're like oh my kansas road beef they now have like less to lose where like a lot of guys although they're protected sometimes they're like ooh but when i get in trouble then i can't play tomorrow yeah i feel like the retired athletes are now just in this like sedated state of just like entitlement but no purpose and so they can hone in on you and just be like you're my purpose and i'm like no no no no get away from me and they become psychotic i lived across from one can't even start now i can't tell the story because he's literally the most ill person on the internet.

Speaker 1 And he basically was the most psycho person I've ever met in my life. And I was like, this, I'll tell you after, but it was one of the scariest moments.

Speaker 1 However, athletes are scary too because you know what? I'm in New York City. This is

Speaker 1 actually not that long ago. It was like towards the end of my New York days.
And I am hooking up with this hockey player. It's one night.
We had followed each other on social media.

Speaker 1 We met in college a couple of times. I had maybe sucked his penis once.
That was kind of it. It was just a casualty.
An appetizer.

Speaker 1 A palette sensor.

Speaker 1 No, this was not a palette sensor. This dick is so fucking scary and large and curved.
No, I hate that. So I like the curve.
The curve was fine for a blowjob.

Speaker 1 But it went, it's either left or right. I can't remember.
Okay, so I'm in New York City. I run into him at a club.
Immediately, I'm like, he's one of the hottest people in the NHL.

Speaker 1 I'm like, you're so fucking hot. Let's fucking do this.
But I'm convinced he has a girlfriend. I'm like, wait, isn't your Instagram like full of this like girl that is like your girlfriend?

Speaker 1 And he spends the entire night convincing me that they're not together. And I'm like, but like, what? Like, why? Like, I just know athletes.
That's what athletes are good at sales.

Speaker 1 They go into sales after. So they all become fucking cold.
So fucking true. He, I'm like, but any, also, I'm not an idiot.
I've dated athletes before.

Speaker 1 Any fucking athlete, the minute you're done with someone, you delete all the fucking pictures. You don't need to prove that you have a hot bitch on your arm.
Like, you're not a fucking loser.

Speaker 1 Like, you're good. So I get super drunk.
And then I'm like, you know what? He's so fucking hot. I'm going to, oh, I can't even say it it out loud.
I'm gonna trust him. Ooh.
Disgusting. Alex.

Speaker 1 We go back to his place. We start hiding.
Go and let God.

Speaker 1 Just do it. I'm sure she's not your girlfriend anymore.
I choose to believe this man after like three hours. We go back and his curved penis comes out and we start having sex.

Speaker 1 And a blowjob was one thing because his mouth can do great things. This curved penis is so large, Hannah.
I start bleeding. I am in so much pain and I just kind of stop it.
I leave.

Speaker 1 Two months later, he's engaged. How the fuck did this man explain blood?

Speaker 1 Because it was either a murder or a girl got her peer.

Speaker 1 You know, no, you want to know what's even worse?

Speaker 1 As I'm deciding to leave, his drunken friend comes in to tell him that he has to be up for a brand deal the next morning and the lights are all on as I'm getting my clothes together. Murder scene.

Speaker 1 Hannah, I thought it was a little bit of blood. His sheets are just red everywhere.
And now this man is married to this woman. So praying for you.
Praying for her. Like, it's just sad.

Speaker 1 like they're little pieces of shit yes

Speaker 1 i did you there's this thing going around on tick tock oh i want to give the guy credit this guy basically said that he realized and he's like i gotta tell all the guys this because we didn't know do you know when girls say i want you to come it means they want you to stop Like they want you to be done.

Speaker 1 Like I thought they were into it. Whenever you go, can you come and me? I want you to come.
Oh my God, can you, we are so big. Can you come right now? She's done.

Speaker 1 She's already thinking about what she has to do that night she's thinking of her chores she's all the girls in the room nodding and leaving and the guy was like wait men did not know that i'm like you think we just like we're like you know what make this better

Speaker 1 yeah we're saying we want this to end hannah

Speaker 1 i've done it many times in my life everyone's done it it's so the second i start talking in the bedroom it's not because i like dirty talk we're speeding up the brasas okay we have shit to do do.

Speaker 1 I have emails. Mom has to work, okay?

Speaker 1 Mom has Pilates.

Speaker 1 This is so fucking accurate and terrifying. You know, you say your dick is big.
That means I'm like, let's see. I'm like, oh my God, you're so big.
Like, come for me, come for me.

Speaker 1 Come for me, come for me.

Speaker 1 And literally, if, and it's usually in doggy. And when you're in doggy, no, if you're face to face, you're like, come for me.
When you're in doggy, you're literally like, come for me, come for me.

Speaker 1 Your face is literally like, I will murder you.

Speaker 1 Do you know when you you ever sarcastically like roll? You're like, okay, he liked that. Okay.

Speaker 1 You're smiling. He's like losing his mind.
You're like, okay, let's just. Hannah.

Speaker 1 Girl. That's girlhood.
Is it hot in here? No, I just sweat profusely. I'm sweating too.
It's a little hot. I get so hot in here.
I'm sweating. Are you sweating? I'm always sweating.

Speaker 1 Hannah, imagine me on my wedding. I was literally like, why did I fucking choose? That humbles me every day with my sweat, and I'm thankful for it.
Okay, but you don't get spray tans, do you? No.

Speaker 1 I do, so I'm literally leaking orange at all times.

Speaker 1 I just had a memory of somehow me finding a YouTube of you being like, bitches, this is how you fucking spray tan the best fucking spray tan in the fucking world. Sage Ropez.

Speaker 1 And I was like, extra dark. I was like taking notes.
I was like, oh, what's going on the door? And you were like, exfoliate, bitches, lotion. I don't think people understand how pale I am, naturally.

Speaker 1 Look at my skin. Wait, I'm translucent.
Have you discussed, though, like, your evolution of beauty? Oh, here. No, should we?

Speaker 1 I feel like i want to oh my god i don't even know what that means i feel like it's been like so subtle with you but like you're not as tan as you were oh i'm getting a spray tan tonight

Speaker 1 i go

Speaker 1 she goes you just called me pale to my face but i don't think you're going as much i'm only i'm only i'm not oh my god i used to really and i feel like the makeup is is more subtle oh my god but like was it conscious or were you just as you got older you were like oh i fuck with my face i relate to oh i think you i saw you saying something about this on your podcast on a clip.

Speaker 1 I saw, you know how people are saying, what is it, eyebrow blindness? Oh, yeah, I've heard it. And you were like, people are boyfriend blindness.
Facts.

Speaker 1 I had, and I probably still do, have eyebrow blindness. If you look at pictures of me from college, it started to get scary.
Like, it was just insane, huge, black. It was, it was too much.

Speaker 1 But I do think I've reeled it in more. And you, you have blonde eyebrows.
Blonde. So you like to tint them a little.
Yes. But blindness can happen with that.

Speaker 1 It's also scary because I look back and like, I'm convinced when I started at Barstool,

Speaker 1 I really leaned into the bimbo. Like that like iconic like cover art of us, I photoshopped the fuck out of it.

Speaker 1 And I remember us sitting there together, me being like, ooh, lips bigger, tits bigger, like cinch, boom, boom, boom. FaceTune blindness is such a thing.
It was insane.

Speaker 1 But back then we didn't have FaceTime, so I was like using PicMonkey. So I was like on my web browser.

Speaker 1 I was literally coding and making my lips bigger, okay? We didn't have FaceTime before. So I was like,

Speaker 1 code XYZ, lip bigger, boom, boom, plump, plump, plump. Zero ones, here's a Morse code.

Speaker 1 And then when they were like, can you send us another version of just like the original? And I was literally like, no.

Speaker 1 Not only can I not send you the original, I can't send it because you're like, no, the one of you guys, it looked nothing like us. So because of that, I felt like I had to live up to this thing.

Speaker 1 So it would overline the fuck out of my lips. I was like doing so much dramatic shit that I was like, I now look back and I'm like, oh my God, I literally looked like a fucking whore.

Speaker 1 But you know what? Cheers. It made me a lot of money.
Well, I was going to say.

Speaker 1 I was going to say, I've learned like the way you present yourself does,

Speaker 1 like, in this town, it's a thing. And that's why I wear ties sometimes.
Because it's powerful.

Speaker 1 People like,

Speaker 1 can you wear ties? I'm trying to make ties a thing. Are you Abril Levine? Wait, what the fuck? I wore a tie once on Giggly Squad, and it was mixed reviews.
She's nodding, but I really, you feel so.

Speaker 1 What did you wear it with? Oh, I fully looked like an 80s salesman. I wore it just with like a button down.
Like, I went full, like, I want to feel like how a guy feels with a tie. Right.

Speaker 1 You feel, first of all, you mansplain. You start, like, explaining things you have no idea.
And you just like, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I wasn't even listening. You speaking.
I feel like there's like a shrill noise. So I, the tie, like, you feel like you have a dick because it's like hanging around.

Speaker 1 And you, and you, like, you gotta, you gotta make sure it's not like... You're too depressed.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you gotta keep it in its place you feel powerful and i just think a girl with it like you with a tie it's like hot but do you have to wear color shirt could wear like a tank top with a tie you can wear a tank top that is very avrol yeah but like i think it's go for it yeah i think you go i mean you know her now you can text her on it if she is avril hannah oh my god melissa if you're watching this I Hannah, there was nothing funnier in my career, maybe, than when I was like really kind of like maybe pressing a a little too hard being like okay but Melissa and she's literally like do you believe it did you start the conspiracy theory and I'm literally thinking back to my username like XX022 then I'm like I was probably in those chats no but you were just speaking for the people you were there important question when I was doing my research all I wanted to wanted to know was like Melissa so I was like okay what's up Melissa And she was fun about it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But then you can never win because everyone's comment was like, that's what Melissa would say.
And I'm like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 I feel bad. I was like, and then I love her though.
She's like, that's like the least of my worries. Like, if that's the biggest rumor about me, I'm like, that you're dead.

Speaker 1 And then you came back to someone else. You have a body double.
I guess that would be kind of cool. Imagine if that was the fucking rumor about you.
Honestly, I would die for those things.

Speaker 1 If you ever do something stupid, I was like, that wasn't me. That was Melissa.
That was Barbara. Barbara again.

Speaker 1 Ah, shit, Barb. Reality.

Speaker 1 Handle would never do something like that. Hannah would never.

Speaker 1 Honestly, please start that fucking rumor. Alex is dead.
Someone else came back.

Speaker 1 Okay, you're ex men trying to pick up a penny. Oh my God.
Because they're like struggling. How often do you see this? Honestly, I've never seen a penny in the last 10 years.
Wait.

Speaker 1 But like the concept of them like trying to do with their like nubby stupid hands. Where are the pennies?

Speaker 1 This is like a new Chappelle Rose. I haven't seen change in a while.
Well, that was very rich of you.

Speaker 1 She got this change stuff thing.

Speaker 1 Spotify has never given me change.

Speaker 1 Can you pay me in quarters next

Speaker 1 quarter?

Speaker 1 That's fucking cheap.

Speaker 1 In LA there's no chance there's literally no petties not even corners

Speaker 1 just clip that honestly just clip it away oh my god is it hot in here

Speaker 1 That was very rich of me. Everyone got quiet.
You're the one that said you hadn't seen a petty in 10 years. Fuck you.

Speaker 1 Have you ever stolen anything from a hookups place? Apartment? Like a house, apartment? Oh my god. Anything?

Speaker 1 I have. What did you say?

Speaker 1 You're like, you're that friend who's like, I want to tell you a story, but I am going to ask you first to pretend. Like, I want to know.
What have you stolen? AirPods?

Speaker 1 I feel like AirPods are the easiest thing to steal because... Everyone loses their AirPods every day.

Speaker 1 But I have literally unintentionally stolen AirPods before and I'm like walking through the airport and I don't know. It's impossible to not steal an AirPod.

Speaker 1 But Canon, then it comes up as their name on your phone. Like you have Jeremy's.

Speaker 1 And you're like, I'm going to fuck you or something.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't fuck with AirPods.
I have the old school. I use Delta headphones.
What?

Speaker 1 Oh, you don't do Delta headphones?

Speaker 1 I fired

Speaker 1 the amount of Delta. I could

Speaker 1 strangle myself to death with the amount of Delta headphones I have knotted up in my bag. I could definitely kill a

Speaker 1 small squirrel.

Speaker 1 Wait, Hannah.

Speaker 1 With the amount of unsafe Delta headphones I have lying around, it would definitely, the whole ocean would, every fish would die with the amount of delta headphones I have.

Speaker 1 We, we, I feel like the delta headphones kind of like don't stay in my ear. Do you want to check out each other's ear canals right now? Honestly, I think I've earwaxed.
Oh my God, someone handed me.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Listen to me. Your intrusive thoughts are so crazy, and they're just coming out right now.

Speaker 1 It's getting really hot, so it's starting to get to my head.

Speaker 1 I haven't showered in seven days. I haven't showered.
I've been searching for pennies. I can't find them anywhere.

Speaker 1 I'm like, I'm so rich, and I have earwax. I can't.

Speaker 1 Doesn't matter how much money you have, the earwax will find you.

Speaker 1 I don't know who to go to. No, Hannah, when I was in, this is disgusting.
It's actually not. This is important.
When everyone get yours chat.

Speaker 1 Do you have a worm in your ear? I fucking wish. Listen to me.

Speaker 1 And I would go viral. Listen to me.
I'm such a whore for views. I'm like, oh my God, someone put something in my ear.
Listen to me. In college, I always would talk so loud.
That's actually natural.

Speaker 1 I don't know why I'm going to blame this on my ears. I talked loud.
But then I was like, maybe I need to get like my ears checked. And I go, you thought you were deaf.

Speaker 1 I'm like, maybe it's because I'm deaf, you whores. You're like, it's like you can't hear anyone else because you've never shut up.
They're like, you're just annoying.

Speaker 1 The doctor's like, just shut the fuck up. So I go and they're like, oh, you see a little earwax.
And they do this thing where they like pour it into me, whatever.

Speaker 1 And it's basically like a honeycomb honeycomb looks like it came out of my fucking ear. And I was like, holy shit, that's been in my ear.
Then I kept saying, it's like getting a, what's it called?

Speaker 1 A peerball? Colonoscopy. It's like a colonoscopy for you.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You colonoscopy.
I'm your ear. Literally fucking my ear.
It's all draining. It's all draining.
And then I could hear like a little better.

Speaker 1 But really, I was just getting anxious because every time I put headphones on,

Speaker 1 oh, it would get literally like a little remnant. And I, so the other day I'm doing this prep and this girl was like, Can I give you these AirPods? You need to listen in.

Speaker 1 And I'm literally like, I brought my own. And she was like, No,

Speaker 1 you have to use these ones because they're connected to the screen. And I literally like, literally almost start crying.
And I literally take it out.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, are you gonna like let me keep these after?

Speaker 1 It's like when someone lends you your their underwear and you're like, I'm kind of spotting right now.

Speaker 1 It's just like little like discharge. You're like, don't look.

Speaker 1 What is it? Just guys, gave me some egg whites.

Speaker 1 We are literally vile. But, Alex, a q-tip in your ear.
Better than sex. Said it.
I said it. We all were thinking.
Better than sex.

Speaker 1 Because it's naughty. Like, you're not supposed to.
I have one better. You're like, this is bad.
No, I have one better. And it's going to be so fucking disgusting.

Speaker 1 And I'm really never going to recover from this. You know what's better than a fucking Q-tip?

Speaker 1 A fake gel X. I think all girls, I want us to be secret spies.
I want us to break into car doors with our gel X. Like, literally, like, hold on a sec.
I want this.

Speaker 1 These are too long.

Speaker 1 Yeah. This is giving, like,

Speaker 1 I, like, I can't text right now. I'm at the point where, like, they've grown out the last amount where I have to, like, I actually have never gotten fake nails before.

Speaker 1 Is this the longest you go? Yeah. And she put them on.
I've never gotten full, because I, like, I killed the whole family. Yeah.
You break one. You're like, fuck it.
Yeah, you get up, bro.

Speaker 1 And I was like, how do you get them off? And she's like, oh, it's a whole process. You have to, like, soak for three days.
And then you have, like, it's the whole thing.

Speaker 1 You're like, getting, like, I don't have time for this shit.

Speaker 1 Hannah, I the other week just took a fucking clipper and just clipped them all off. So they were just straight out.
Every day I have to fight that urge. It's disgusting, but I have them now.

Speaker 1 So, anyways, pro tip, if you have any remarks, just take your gel X and scoot it around because the best is you can scoop it out. Because my fear is these Q-tips are just shoving it deeper in.

Speaker 1 You've seen those videos, Hannah. Yes, I have seen those videos.
Oh, I remember the one, my favorite moment from Caller Daddy. I just remembered it.

Speaker 1 It was when I said said the only way I can orgasm is with my legs straight. And I've never had more of a connection with girls in my life.
Hannah, I want you to know that

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 did end up trying that oddly, maybe like a week after we filmed together. Yeah.
And I thought of

Speaker 1 me.

Speaker 1 How do I say this? I thought of you the entire time.

Speaker 1 I was having an orgasm. I'm like, Hannah, you are right.

Speaker 1 Well, you got a clench. You get to clench.
I'm afraid too. If I bend my knees, I will fart.
Oh, my God. I'm afraid.

Speaker 1 To literally terrify you. You're holding up.
Doggy. I mean, you don't even get me.
Fuck these already. But yeah, I guess I can say I've had an orgasm and I've thought of you.
So thank you. Cheers.

Speaker 1 Oh my god, what did I feel? How did we get here? You're what?

Speaker 1 Did I took us off? Delta,

Speaker 1 AirPods. Have I stolen? I was dating this rich guy at this point and he was pissing me off.
I knew we were going to win. When they're rich, does it count?

Speaker 1 Did you just say what if it is? When they're rich, does it count? Like, you know, like with the big box stores, there's like taxes

Speaker 1 for stealing. Well, let me take you through my thought process.
So he was sleeping.

Speaker 1 You drugged him.

Speaker 1 The melatonin hit.

Speaker 1 I finally drugged him. He was out.
I am in his apartment and I start to spiral because I'm like, I'm looking at him breathing and I'm like, he's definitely cheating and he's definitely being sauce.

Speaker 1 We weren't even dating, but I'm like, he's cheating with other women, blah, blah. So I start to panic and I can't sleep.
So I start walking around his apartment. And then I get this crazy idea.

Speaker 1 I'm like, fuck him. I'm going to fucking take something from this apartment.
Like, fuck you. Because you're in a full fight with him at this point in your head.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was going to say, in my head, he doesn't know. He doesn't know.
So I start going around and I'm looking at these Rolexes. And I'm like, I feel like this is jail.

Speaker 1 Cause I feel like he's, I feel like I'm crazy that, like, he would actually call the police on me. And I was like in college, so I like couldn't handle that.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I'm not, I can't bail myself out. If I was older, I would have taken the Rolex, but I need to finish college first.

Speaker 1 I didn't want to be in Juvie.

Speaker 1 Couldn't handle Juvie. I couldn't handle Juvie at that point in my life.
Although a mug shot would be kind of like chic.

Speaker 1 I just have to figure out like what could I get a mug shot for. And then I'm like, yeah.
So anyway, so I'm cruising around and I'm passing by the Raches and I finally am like, let it go, Al.

Speaker 1 Did you say Raches? Raches. Watches.

Speaker 1 Rolexes.

Speaker 1 I see the Rolex and I can't afford shit at this point that I'm like, okay. Can't take that.
So I'm looking around, looking around.

Speaker 1 And then finally, this is the most petty thing because it's so stupid and it might as well have been headphones, Hannah. I find

Speaker 1 this box that has not been opened

Speaker 1 and it's a GoPro.

Speaker 1 And I look at it and I'm like, huh.

Speaker 1 I pick it up, I put it in my purse, and I fling my purse over my fucking shoulder. And I steal this man's motherfucking GoPro.
I haul myself a cab. I get home and I put the box on my decks.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, ha, there you go, motherfucker. And I never used the GoPro and I would look at it and I would, I did did nothing with it.
I have two things to say. No one's ever used a GoPro.

Speaker 1 Second of all, if a man has a GoPro, that is the biggest ick I've ever had. Men with GoPros.
I'm like, he was an athlete. I'm like, what is he doing with this GoPro?

Speaker 1 And then I fucked an athlete a couple months later and he had a GoPro on his fucking headboard. And I was like, no.

Speaker 1 Wait, that's fucked up. Hannah, he had a GoPro on his fucking headboard.

Speaker 1 I was literally like, Did you steal it after?

Speaker 1 You're like, wait, I love attention. He's like in the shower.
I turn it. You go about the government.

Speaker 1 Hei, sorry.

Speaker 1 So that's what I stole. Okay.

Speaker 1 If you want to steal something, though, that's like actually

Speaker 1 pumped them off. What? His remote.

Speaker 1 You're the devil. Ruin his fucking life.

Speaker 1 Ruin that man's life. Just take the remote.

Speaker 1 And he'll always think he lost it in the couch somehow. Taking someone's remote is probably the meanest thing you could do to a person.

Speaker 1 More time that he has now to text you.

Speaker 1 I'm like, babe, I'm just taking it so you can respond.

Speaker 1 You just keep taking everything. I feel like this was like distracting you from like our connection.
He's like, I hate you.

Speaker 1 Could you just say you don't really know a person until you've seen them in a room trying to find their remote?

Speaker 1 Fuck, take going to a restaurant and seeing how they treat the waiter, hide their remote and see how they act. That is the real person right there.
Oh, because you've had it where they're like, what?

Speaker 1 What the fuck? What the fuck? And they're flipping tables. You're like, okay, I don't want to have a child with you.
And then the next is you literally just are like, it was under your pillow.

Speaker 1 Like, here you go. It's really not that deep.
That's the ultimate problem with men. They can't even find the thing that you told them where it is, but they're running the FBI.
But I'm not, I digress.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true.
I think we've got to do it. There's been enough time to solve those issues.

Speaker 1 Support for Caller Daddy comes from Google Pixel. Okay, so I recently had one of those Sundays where I convinced myself it was a great idea to reorganize my entire closet.

Speaker 1 And of course, halfway through, I found myself sitting on the floor surrounded by clothes, completely overwhelmed.

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Speaker 1 It was a lifesaver, ladies, okay? But while I was neck deep in hoodies, I totally lost track of time until I got a text from Matt saying, hey, what is the address for dinner tonight?

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Speaker 1 Take care of yourselves, daddy gang.

Speaker 1 Do you have any exes that like hate you? Do you have any, like, are you on good terms with your exes? Great question.

Speaker 1 So, my therapist told me that I'm a little, like, I don't talk to any of my exes except British Dave. British Dave.
I love British Dave. Shout out to British Dave and Angel.
He's so cute.

Speaker 1 And then there's some who I know don't have good boundaries. So I block them.
And one blocked me because

Speaker 1 he's a bitch.

Speaker 1 Any man who blocks you, that's an egg. It's so fucking.
Because I didn't even do anything to him, and I'm like, oh, my existence.

Speaker 1 And he makes me. I check and he still has me blocked.
And I'll be like, she's still that girl. She's that girl.
That's literally

Speaker 1 the craziest thing to think of a man,

Speaker 1 a grown man, a press block.

Speaker 1 If I was the person he's with right now, and if I knew my husband had a girl blocked, I would be jealous.

Speaker 1 I'd be like, what's wrong? If you are blocked, he's in love with you. But then I had to blow up on TikTok, so he'd have to block me on TikTok too.
He's literally going to every single one.

Speaker 1 Now he has to block fucking Netflix, bitch. Well, that's the thing I joke about.

Speaker 1 I don't care what hard times you go to, because I actually, this particular man did stuff that like he tried to hurt my career, which like that's when I don't fuck with that.

Speaker 1 So then I was like, I didn't even want a Netflix special.

Speaker 1 But now I have to. And my friends would joke because I'd be in Vermont doing like 10 shows.
I'm dying. And they're like, is it worth it? And I'm like, it's fucking worth it, bitch.
It's worth it.

Speaker 1 So I don't. And the thing is, sometimes you get this motivation from anger.
That's so good. But the best part is when you get to the point that you forgot why you were even mad at them.

Speaker 1 And then people are like, this is your time. Like, go on, call her daddy.
Drop the name. Call him out.
Tell, show the receipts.

Speaker 1 You don't care anymore. Right, you're literally like, I have a Netflix special.
Who is he again? What did he do? You literally forget. And that's called healing.
It's not only is it healing.

Speaker 1 And I'm not like fully healed by any means, but it is close to healing. Yeah, no, but think of him getting the email.
Do you want to re-up your Netflix subscription?

Speaker 1 And he goes in to re-up it and your fucking face. No, that's the lady gaga moment.
Like anywhere you go, you'll have to see me. Do you think any of them would label you a psycho ex?

Speaker 1 It's so funny. The most psycho thing about me is that I avoid confrontation.
So I've had so many relationships that had zero fighting.

Speaker 1 And then one day I would just call them because I had a talk with my mom.

Speaker 1 And I'll listen to anything this angel bitch says. One of my worst relationships that, like, on paper, like everyone was like, this is the greatest thing for you.

Speaker 1 And one day I just poured my heart out to her, being like, I don't feel good about myself. He's never laughed at one thing I said.
He always walks in front of me by like five feet. Oh my God.

Speaker 1 Like he controls everything. Like when I get to see him, all that stuff.
And I was young. I was like 26.
He was older. And she goes, you're not going to his apartment.
And this is like two days ago.

Speaker 1 She's like, he's the best. She goes, you're calling the, picking him up, calling the phone, calling him.

Speaker 1 You're picking the phone to call. You're calling your phone to pick up.
You're picking up the phone to call him.

Speaker 1 And she goes, you're picking up with him. And I was like, I was like, and she goes, I'm sitting with you.
We're doing it right now. And I called him and I said, like, I want to end it.

Speaker 1 And he's like, what are you talking about? Like, and what? What?

Speaker 1 And he, I was like, okay, like i want to i i can't do this anymore and then another guy was really fucked up that's a mind fuck another guy which was so fucked up he was so sweet so nice and my i was like 23 24 and my mom was just like hannah he's not it and like i really liked him he was so nice but like i knew deep down that it wasn't right he wasn't the one i wanted to marry but he was so nice like just so and like he was great my mom was like

Speaker 1 And she was like, Hannah, you're wasting time. Like, just get out of it.
We have no issues. I call him and i was like i think it was in person i was like we have because once i decide i'm out

Speaker 1 so i was like we have to break up and he just looked at me it was the saddest thing ever he goes so i can't like talk to you tomorrow

Speaker 1 and i remember just being like i'm sorry like my mom's a savage and i'm so scared of her and she wants the best for me and she knows big picture and i can't waste my time with you because you're kind of a loser Hannah, not you blaming your breakup with your mom.

Speaker 1 You're like, it's my mom. I go, you can talk to Lenore.

Speaker 1 you can tell like but she's over it but then i've had times where she won guy she liked that i wanted to break up with i waited for her to go on vacation and i broke up with him when she was on vacation because i wanted her to enjoy her vacation comes back i go i broke up with him she was like how do i love you i'm obsessed i think that's like the most fun thing with like i would say with my mom too is like lori has lived all of my relationships like when i just did an episode about this athlete she was like oh my gosh but you didn't tell the story of this and this and this she's like my mom literally goes, you should make it a whole summer series that you do all these stories about him.

Speaker 1 I'm like, mom, we're trying to not get sued. Mom, also like, I'm married.
Mom, calm down. She's like, but I wrote them all down.
I have it in my notebook from your college days when you would call me.

Speaker 1 I knew you would need the stories one time. I'm like, one fucked up thing.
If my mom doesn't want to fuck him. I don't want to be with him.
And I hate to say it, but it's so true.

Speaker 1 If your mom is like, he's nice. Nope.
I want my mom to be flirty with him. I want to see that she gets excited when this man walks in the room.
And that is so disgusting and sick.

Speaker 1 But my mom is nodding, listening, be like, yep, I want my daughter to be with a fucking hot

Speaker 1 like because mom, my mom and I are very independent.

Speaker 1 We're gonna have a man in our life that need to be an asset and good to look at.

Speaker 1 Period.

Speaker 1 And that's on that game. And I do have to say, I tell my mom everything too.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And I posted because I was so excited to go on Color Dad today. And I was like, guys, what? I'm going on a big podcast.
Which one do you think it is?

Speaker 1 And I put like the little thing where people can comment. They're like, Rogan.
My mom goes, Color Daddy. She knows.
And I'm like, Mom, you're like, Mom, I was just on the phone with you.

Speaker 1 She got excited to answer.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 she's that girl. I'm obsessed with your mom, and I'm just obsessed.
I think it's really nice to be able to like rely on your mom and then also blame your mom for everything.

Speaker 1 Well, there was, was it Julia Dreyfus? Louise, sorry, she has so many names. Yes, yes, yes.
I think someone, I think it was her, gave a speech where she was just like, Can we listen to older women?

Speaker 1 Like older women know so much. They know everything.
So it's like, you have this asset

Speaker 1 that is your mother. You came out of her.
Use her. And ask a ton of questions.
And yes, I know some moms, like,

Speaker 1 you know, it's not always great. And then ice her out.
Ice her out. If she's a fucking nice, like literally a narcissist like Saizo, can I speak?

Speaker 1 Saises Vico. You're like, I'm going to pick up him and call the phone.

Speaker 1 It's literally so hot.

Speaker 1 You knew what I was going to say, though. You knew what I was saying.
Christ are out.

Speaker 1 Anyway, so yeah, that's my problem. And I think some guys have been probably a little confused, but I've never, I've never pulled like a crazy moment.

Speaker 1 Like I have so much pride, and it could be insecurity where like I never want people to think that I, that's what like things in my past have annoyed me where people are like, she's obsessed with him or whatever.

Speaker 1 Like I, I'm never put myself in that position because I am prideful and insecure. I get it.
So like when when people, like guys in the public, I'm like, that man has never made me laugh.

Speaker 1 He's like annoys the fuck out of me. And like I just wanted to have fun.
But isn't it annoying? I hate it.

Speaker 1 The double standard of like a man can say that stuff and then people will, then other women will agree with the man and be like, you're so right.

Speaker 1 And then if a girl just goes right back out the guy, people are like, she's such a bitch. Like, yeah.

Speaker 1 So why don't we gang up on the man, you fucking whores? I had that weird thing too where some guys would like,

Speaker 1 they would like my attention or they liked my conversation or something.

Speaker 1 And that's like the most valuable thing to me where it's like, I'd rather us just fuck and meet, like have a fun story than you consuming my life, calling me eight times a day.

Speaker 1 And then like, men are not your friends. I have hilarious, beautiful people in my life.
A man who's hot with no personality is not your friend. And never will be.

Speaker 1 And probably shouldn't be your boyfriend either. No.

Speaker 1 If they're too hot, they're scary. No, they are so scary.
Like really scary. Let's talk about the special.

Speaker 1 Okay, Barbara Walters. I rest in peace.
R.I.P.A. fucking peace, bitch.

Speaker 1 You need to explain to me how did this come to be.

Speaker 1 Tell me everything. I do have to say, from doing a reality show,

Speaker 1 sometimes you feel larger than life. You feel like you're the coolest person ever.
You're funny. You're perfect.
Everyone loves you, which is like also not true. Or you can feel like...

Speaker 1 They put mud on you and everyone just sees you with this stuff on you and you're trying to shower it off and you feel misunderstood.

Speaker 1 And feeling misunderstood was like my biggest fear and the universe was like let's do it to you and I

Speaker 1 was in definitely a place but I was in a dark place but I never felt stuck I just was like okay we gotta pivot we gotta pivot I was in this like where's the next thing and TikTok was this new crowd where like people didn't know who I was and I got to just like therapeutically I would go on stage after reality TV and I would in my head be like I hope these people don't hate me and I was but I had this drive to show them like I want them to at least not like me because they don't like my comedy which is such a like uh more peaceful perspective it's kind of like all in your art like it at all if you don't like the art and like cool we're expressing ourselves and also and I needed to get better and when I was on stage it's fucked up but my mind is very doesn't shut up so when I was on stage it was the only time that I wasn't repeating or trying to figure out like my past so I I got to be present in that moment telling my queeef jokes, but it was like it was like my safe space.

Speaker 1 And then comics was this crew of people who made me feel so much better about myself. They were like dying laughing at the shit I was going through with reality TV.

Speaker 1 Like they were, I was telling them these stories. They were like, I would have burned the house down.

Speaker 1 I would, and they made me feel a little more seen where you can feel in the wrong crowd, you really do feel like you're losing your mind.

Speaker 1 And that's what the point is a lot of the time.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I started to get this, I almost feel like hawk girls don't traditionally go, let's do stand-up comedy tonight or let's go to the stand-up comedy club. You go with your boyfriend.

Speaker 1 But I was able to kind of cultivate this algorithm of like, I'm biased, but like hot, successful, funny women who wanted to laugh and felt safe in their bedroom laughing at comedy.

Speaker 1 And then with Giggly Squad and getting the girls to come out to the show, I was like, oh my God, we have this like group of women coming coming out to comedy shows loving stand-up.

Speaker 1 And a lot of them was their first ever shows and it was powerful. And because I was selling tickets, I didn't have to wait to like get chosen to be on lineups and stuff.
Interesting.

Speaker 1 I was like producing my own shows. And then I started doing Hand on the Street where I was making friends with all these comics.

Speaker 1 And then the comedy community started embracing me in a way where I was just like, either you like me or don't. I don't care.
Like, I don't need you to accept me.

Speaker 1 But, like, because I came in with some of some followers. So some comics will be like, well, she didn't bomb in enough basements.
But I'm like, I want to build you.

Speaker 1 I want it to be like Chelsea Handler-esque, where I

Speaker 1 bring people that are talented around me.

Speaker 1 No matter how many followers you have, I fuck with you if you're like a nice person who's talented. And it's, again, selfish of me to be like, I want to, before you go famous, I'm going to put you on.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No, but I think it's like you recognize people that you fuck with.
And I feel like sometimes you're right. People will be like, oh, I'm too big for that.
Like they make it, they make it.

Speaker 1 And then I'll give them acknowledgement where you're like no I felt like that person that didn't have that and I wish someone would have recognized how talented I was and not been threatened but like helped lift me up yeah and then I just continued touring I continued touring get on the road be with my girls work on the jokes work on the jokes work on the jokes and then

Speaker 1 variety kind of noticed me and was like she's definitely got shit going on and we get a call from Netflix. Oh my God.

Speaker 1 Now, the crazy thing about this call is my agent's like, Netflix wants to do a special with you. I am freaking out.
Like I have a video of me. Like I was like shaking.

Speaker 1 I go to the other room and I'm like, Des, I got Netflix special. Oh my God.
He looks at me, no smile, and he goes, yeah, you're not shooting that.

Speaker 1 And I was like,

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. Isn't this like the goal?

Speaker 1 And he goes, you have nine more months of touring and you're going to do those nine more months because your bits are going to be tagged up and that much better at the end of and you tell them you'll shoot it the latest you can possibly shoot it so like he's immediate he's a protect a protector of course and he has done his own career where he's like you don't rush into a special right but like i love this material so much and i'm so happy that i basically told netflix like in a year i'll i'll do it so they were like why and i was just like i think i could make it even better even though they liked it at the time that's like so i like

Speaker 1 i sat on that shit like and i i wasn't allowed i didn't even tell paige for like a month for a month just because

Speaker 1 I like looked at it too long and I was like, because I just wanted to sit in it, but it was such a great moment of like,

Speaker 1 it's not about the special, it's not about clout, it's about like putting out something you're proud of.

Speaker 1 I thank you for sharing that because it makes it even cooler now. To like, I can't wait to watch it.
I was literally like, can I get a screener? And they're like, no. And I was like, you know.
Okay.

Speaker 1 We were actually doing color correction still. I was like, can I watch it? And they're like, no.
And I was like, no.

Speaker 1 Okay. Fine.
I'll watch it with everyone else.

Speaker 1 i'll tell you i'm excited i'm gonna like have wine and matt and i are gonna sit down i'm gonna be sending you pictures i'm gonna watch it i'm so fucking excited but

Speaker 1 i

Speaker 1 truly am so proud of you. Like, I feel like when I met you, I was like, oh my God, this is someone I could have been friends with my whole life.

Speaker 1 Like, having been athletes, like knowing the fucking trauma that you have from being an athlete, knowing the type of person it just like builds you into. And you're like so competitive with yourself.

Speaker 1 And I think sometimes for especially women in sports, I feel like that gets misconstrued. And we've dealt with like being our worst critics.
So you can fight similar battles all the time.

Speaker 1 I think that's why when we message each other, it's like, how are you doing against your demons? No, Hamlet. You're losing.

Speaker 1 If you go through all of our messages, we are only texting each other like check-ins. We're like, I just saw this.
How are you doing? I'm so proud of you. Proud of you.
You good? Okay.

Speaker 1 Talk in a couple months. He's like, have you slept? Right.
We're like, you good? And then we're like, you ready ready to come on the pod? You okay? Okay. You're wearing jorts.
Amazing. Midlife crisis.

Speaker 1 Cue it now.

Speaker 1 I just am so excited for people to watch this. And I feel like you from when I met you to now is what I was saying.
It's like, you were so funny back then,

Speaker 1 but we both were insecure. And of course, we're both still insecure in some capacities, but like, I can't wait to watch the special because you are so much more yourself now than when I met you.

Speaker 1 You were, we were both going through it. Not that we weren't ourselves, but like you're, you're leading with, like,

Speaker 1 you're so fucking talented. You are.
Like, anyone I talk to about you recently are like, oh my God, fucking Hannah Burner. She's lighted out.
Like, I can't wait to see the special. Like,

Speaker 1 you are just, I get chills when I talk to you. I feel like I'm living in a dream.

Speaker 1 Like, I feel like I, I, we did the last pod with Paige and then I fell asleep and then had a dream that you were sitting here being like, You got an Athlet special.

Speaker 1 Like, it feels like a dream. But I'm turning into my dad.
He loves quotes. And he was, it basically is like, what if your biggest dreams came true?

Speaker 1 And I think you are a good example of that because you showing that, because it is kind of lonely sometimes at the top. And you showing that a girl could get a lot of attention and run a full company.

Speaker 1 Like, it's paving the way for other people to be like, oh, that dream is not too scary. And I do feel like with this special, I really hope that more girls are going to be like, I'm just like Hannah.

Speaker 1 That's how I am with my friends.

Speaker 1 Wait, I like, i like fuck with this i want to do stand-up because i have this conspiracy there that like women are made for stand-up we're gossipers we complain we overanalyze like that is what stand-up is so i just like disrupting male spaces and making men upset and i think we write at dawn we write at dawn last question hannah how are you gonna feel if your Netflix special is potentially in the background of some Netflix and chill sessions and people are fucking to your special.

Speaker 1 Oh, have you thought about that?

Speaker 1 That it's gonna be so awkward because I'll literally be talking about how hard it is to ride a guy while you're riding a guy, and I don't know how you'll recover from that.

Speaker 1 Or, like, how like you're holding in your fart when you're cuddling, and it's like you haven't had to fart all day.

Speaker 1 And then suddenly, the second is dicks on your butt, you're like, I have the biggest gas bubble I've ever had.

Speaker 1 Hannah, they're gonna be Netflix and chilling watching you, and she's like, Oh man, isn't it the worst when you're holding in your fart? And the girl's literally like,

Speaker 1 Shut the fuck up, Hannah. And you're like, How would a queef? And she's literally like, oh my God.
Maybe watch this with your girlfriends.

Speaker 1 But I think your boyfriends and the men in your life should watch it because it's quite educational. It's very educational.
It's for everyone. We ride at dawn.

Speaker 1 Hannah, I could sit here and talk to you for 17 more hours. I love this.
Thank you for also being so good at interviewing because you make me look good. Bitch, you look good.
Which can be difficult.

Speaker 1 I could be sent for the shorts.

Speaker 1 You're doing.

Speaker 1 I'm Patient. I'm like, Pedro's going to be furious when I tell her I wore wore dorts on Call Her Daddy.
She'd be like, you fucking disrespectful cunt. But you guys have to, it's good.

Speaker 1 You both have, you're different. It's very worth.
I love it. I'm like, you're different, Hannah.
It's just because you're different. I love you.
Thank you so much for coming on Caller Daddy.

Speaker 1 This was everything and more. I love you.
This may have been her best work yet. No, I think it is.
I love you.

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