Breakup Bootcamp

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Speaker 1 What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper with Call Her Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

Speaker 1 Hello, Daddy Gang. Welcome back to another episode of Call Her Daddy.

Speaker 1 I just wanted to start out by saying thank you to everyone who watched and listened to my last solo episode about choosing the right partner. I am so happy that so many of you resonated with that one.

Speaker 1 A lot of you also reached out to me saying that the episode made you realize that you are, in fact, not with the right person. I got a lot of DMs that started to sound very similar.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, Alex, I don't think I'm with the right guy, but I'm also scared to lose this person. I'm scared to be alone.

Speaker 1 I don't want to go through with the breakup and have to start over and so on.

Speaker 1 And so, first thing I want to do is like validate you today because I know that breakups firsthand are

Speaker 1 so hard and a really big deal. And it can sometimes get be easy for me to just sit here and joke around and be like, oh my God, bitch, dump him.
Like, we don't need him. Like, he's not shit.

Speaker 1 Like, he doesn't match your standards and he doesn't respect you and all this.

Speaker 1 But in reality, I do know that relationships are such a huge, huge part of our lives. And

Speaker 1 ending a long-term relationship is a very big decision and it is extremely emotional and draining. So, the reason I wanted to talk more about this today

Speaker 1 is because

Speaker 1 I actually think we need to reframe how we look at breakups. Yes, they absolutely suck.
I'm not going to sugarcoat that. Breakups can take you to some really dark and hard places, but

Speaker 1 I really do think they are also necessary in getting you closer to what's actually meant for you, right?

Speaker 1 You can learn so much from yourself from a breakup. They can end up being extremely important, transformative periods of your life.

Speaker 1 When a relationship ends, that just means that there is a lesson you still need to learn before you're able to choose and find that right partner.

Speaker 1 And if done right, a breakup can completely redirect your life into something so much better.

Speaker 1 But I also get that there is so much fear, right? That comes along with realizing you need to end a relationship.

Speaker 1 It can seem like you're completely losing the version of your future that you thought you were heading towards.

Speaker 1 The marriage, the house, vacations, kids, whatever you were looking forward to with this person,

Speaker 1 you now need to accept that you aren't heading down the path that you pictured and fantasized about and dreamt about.

Speaker 1 And sometimes that can make it feel like you're failing when a relationship ends. Sometimes it's not even about the person and actually losing them.
It's also just, it's mostly about

Speaker 1 the idea of everything that you were building towards.

Speaker 1 And I just want to say the reality actually is, is that you are succeeding at moving into a healthier stage in your life.

Speaker 1 If you are having to go through a breakup, that was not meant for you and you have to believe you're moving towards something healthier.

Speaker 1 But again, I know when we're in the thick of it, it is really hard to feel like something good is waiting on the other side. We always have our friends being like, Girl, it's gonna get better.

Speaker 1 And your parents are like, It's gonna get better. And you say the same thing to your friends when they're going through it.
But when it is you, it is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Speaker 1 And I also think that we can fuck ourselves over with worrying about what other people are going to think about our relationship ending. And it sucks to admit, but it's true.

Speaker 1 I think it can be really overwhelming

Speaker 1 wondering, you know, how is their family going to take it? How is their mom going to take it? How are his friends going to react? Will people in my life be disappointed or mad?

Speaker 1 Like, that's a legit fear, right?

Speaker 1 It's this huge mental load because society still puts so much pressure on women specifically to be in relationships. And it's really scary to feel like you're not hitting an expectation.

Speaker 1 But I am here to remind you, Daddy Gang, that you have to remember, no one else has to live with your choices but you.

Speaker 1 After a breakup, people are going to make dumb comments like, oh my God, you guys were so cute together. Or like, oh my God, I'm going to be honest.
Like, I fucking hated that guy.

Speaker 1 Thank God he's gone. Either way, you're going to get in your head and start spiraling if you put too much weight on how other people are viewing your situation.

Speaker 1 The truth is, and I hate to say it, but no one actually cares.

Speaker 1 No one cares as much as you think they do

Speaker 1 because a decision on your relationship only actually affects your life.

Speaker 1 The only thing that you need to do when it comes to thinking about other people is remind yourself that they're on their own path and it doesn't need to look like your life, right?

Speaker 1 What they're up to doesn't really impact you. So

Speaker 1 every breakup that I've been through, I now, again, emphasis on now, can look back today and be like, seriously, thank God that didn't work out.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I have been through some pretty rough and heartbreaking breakups. In my worst breakup, I was completely blindsided.

Speaker 1 I remember feeling like the rug was just ripped from out under me on everything I had pictured for my future life.

Speaker 1 I can quickly tell the story. If you are OG daddy gang, you probably already know this one.
But

Speaker 1 so one of,

Speaker 1 yeah, the worst breakup of my life it happened in my early 20s when i was living in new york city after college and i was living with my boyfriend we were

Speaker 1 super in love or so i thought

Speaker 1 and we were always talking about the future and marriage and kids and where we wanted to buy a house

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 At that time, we were so deeply ingrained in each other's lives. Like, you guys know how it goes.
My friends were his friends. His friends were my friends.
All of our free time was spent together. And

Speaker 1 because of that, understandably, I truly couldn't imagine a life without this person in it.

Speaker 1 And then I found out that he

Speaker 1 was cheating on me.

Speaker 1 And I still was willing to try to work through it. Because again,

Speaker 1 I just couldn't see a future for myself that he didn't exist in. He was my complete life at that point.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 we

Speaker 1 did couples therapy. We went to like one fucking session and

Speaker 1 I could see that he wasn't really

Speaker 1 going to fully take accountability. And so I kind of ended up like taking the blame of like, well, I could have done this better and I could have done this.

Speaker 1 And maybe maybe that's what drove you to feel that way. And I just tried to make it work.

Speaker 1 And I was essentially willing to do anything, even though in my gut, I knew this relationship wasn't working.

Speaker 1 But it's hard, again, to see when you're in it. And you'll put up with things that once you get out, you wouldn't put up with.
But when you're in it, it's really hard to be objective with yourself.

Speaker 1 And then one day, I will never forget this. It was a gorgeous fall Saturday in New York.

Speaker 1 My best friend was in town, and I told my boyfriend that I was going to take her around, and we were just going to go around the city and have like a fun little girls' day.

Speaker 1 And we kissed goodbye.

Speaker 1 All was fine. I headed out.
I didn't hear from him all day, but I wasn't too concerned.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 when I got back to our apartment,

Speaker 1 as I walked into our lobby, my doorman stopped me

Speaker 1 and he looked at me and he said,

Speaker 1 Alex, I'm so sorry,

Speaker 1 but you're not allowed to go upstairs.

Speaker 1 I was like, wait,

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. Like, I live here.
Like, what do you, I live here. Like, I was so confused.
I'm like, what do you mean I can't go upstairs? Like, all of my stuff is upstairs. My life is up there.

Speaker 1 I'm just trying to go home to my apartment. Like, what is going on?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 before I could get any answers, he just proceeded to lead me towards

Speaker 1 a storage closet.

Speaker 1 And inside

Speaker 1 were

Speaker 1 garbage bags.

Speaker 1 Just a bunch. of garbage bags filled with all of my clothes, all of my belongings, everything I owned, laptops, cards, everything

Speaker 1 had been thrown into garbage bags and tossed out of my apartment.

Speaker 1 And when I tried to call my boyfriend and figure out what was going on, I got no response. He was completely ghosting me, and

Speaker 1 he essentially ended our relationship without even having the breakup conversation. I remember I went onto social media that day to see if I could even just like figure out where he was.

Speaker 1 And he was at a football game with his friends drinking beers. He's at the Giants game.
I was like, oh, cool, cool, cool. Cool, cool, cool.
I'm fucked.

Speaker 1 And I'm like sitting on the side of the road with garbage bags, calling my parents, like begging them to come pick me up and help me because I'm like, I don't know what to do.

Speaker 1 I literally in that moment remember.

Speaker 1 tears coming down, but also feeling numb, but confused and scared and all the things. And I remember just like, I literally thought my life was fucking over.

Speaker 1 I was so lost after this happened to me. I felt so discarded and

Speaker 1 disrespected.

Speaker 1 Like, wait, you cheated. I agreed to stay and try to make it work.
And now, out of random, you're just, you're done.

Speaker 1 And so I had no apartment, no boyfriend. It was like

Speaker 1 everything in my life that gave me a sense of stability just suddenly was ripped from out under me.

Speaker 1 And it's so crazy to think now I'm sitting here almost 10 years later and I

Speaker 1 am so grateful that all of that happened.

Speaker 1 Yes, I was heartbroken. I was embarrassed.
I was devastated. But I was also forced to

Speaker 1 literally pick myself up off the side of the road,

Speaker 1 get my shit together,

Speaker 1 and really look at myself and look inward.

Speaker 1 After I got broken up with, I needed to figure out what I actually wanted out of life.

Speaker 1 And had this not happened,

Speaker 1 I probably would have continued trying to make it work with this guy and would have sacrificed parts of myself to just preserve what was left of the relationship.

Speaker 1 I know it wouldn't have lasted forever, right?

Speaker 1 But it probably could have kept going.

Speaker 1 And I felt without a doubt rock bottom because I had completely merged my identity with this person. I was relying on this person.

Speaker 1 It was just, it had just gotten so toxic. And even though it felt rock bottom,

Speaker 1 I got through it. I got a shitty little apartment that I rented for a couple months off of Facebook Marketplace.
I started figuring out what actually made me happy.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 guess

Speaker 1 what that directly led me to?

Speaker 1 Right after that breakup, I went on to Star Call Her Daddy.

Speaker 1 So, like,

Speaker 1 if I really look back, I want to send all of those fuckers flowers that made that breakup happen and be like, kisses.

Speaker 1 thank god thank you so fucking much like getting dumped set set me on a complete new path that changed my life for the better in the moment i was like i'm i actually feel like i'm gonna die and meanwhile little did i fucking know i didn't see any of that at the time I wouldn't have believed that things were going to get better.

Speaker 1 My mom kept saying, it's going to get better. I was like, you don't get it.
You don't get it.

Speaker 1 Because after something flips your whole life upside down, understandably, it can feel impossible to move on.

Speaker 1 But daddy gang, listen to me when I say, I promise you, you can and you will get through it.

Speaker 1 If you know your relationship is coming to an end, or maybe you're fresh out of a breakup and you're struggling with how to cope,

Speaker 1 this episode is about to be for you. Okay.
Today, I want to share some breakup wisdom. Whether you are the one who's doing the dumping or the one who just got dumped,

Speaker 1 we've got you.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 We?

Speaker 1 Who's we? What are you talking about, Alex? I thought this was another solo. No, honey, we.
I am not going to do this whole episode alone. There is one girl who has been by my side for all

Speaker 1 of my terrible breakups. And I have been there through all of hers.
So daddy gang makes a motherfucking noise for Laren.

Speaker 1 Hi Lauren

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Speaker 1 Okay, Lauren, welcome to Call Her Daddy.

Speaker 2 Thank you. I've never been invited to podcasts in this studio before.
I know.

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 think it's time. You deserve it.

Speaker 1 This means literally nothing. We were just saying like, oh, I feel like we, this is a more serious topic.
And let's really like do a full interview conversation style.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah. So you heard my breakup story.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Every time you say it, it's always like,

Speaker 2 damn, like I forgot that happened. I know.

Speaker 1 And I can't believe that happened and i was literally there for it no you guys not only were you there for it but i have it ingrained in my mind that when i was going through that breakup and i found that random because this is before lauren and i lived together i found that like random spot that i got for two months and i called you you came over because you were living in new jersey yeah i was living in hoboken and she comes over and i'm I all I have in this place that I rent for like get for the night is this like mattress on the floor.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because you were doing like a subletter situation with like random roommates. Yes.

Speaker 1 And I like roll up. We've got the mattress on the ground.
And I remember Lauren's looking at me and she's like,

Speaker 1 let's go get a sandwich. And so we walk to this deli.
We get a bunch of like shit food. We go back.
We both like lay on my mattress and I just cry in your arms.

Speaker 2 I think that's what we did that night, though.

Speaker 1 That's all we did. We just slept and cried.

Speaker 1 And you were like, dear, dear, dear Alex. Meanwhile, you're like, who didn't see this one coming?

Speaker 1 But again, I think that's like the perspective of a friend versus the person in it because you've been through breakups too.

Speaker 1 And it's like when the person is going through it, the friends in the back of their head are a little bit like, I knew this was coming most of the time.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I wasn't saying that to you that night at all.

Speaker 1 You were like, this is horrible.

Speaker 2 How dare he like, oh my God, I didn't see it coming. Like, I can't believe you're probably so like, I was not telling you, like, Alex, like, you needed to get out.

Speaker 2 Like, you don't, it was too early for that.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. And I think what's so weird about breakups is like, I've been the person that's done the breaking up and I've been broken up with and both sting so much.

Speaker 1 So, Lauren, why don't you take us through this conversation today? Really lead us in.

Speaker 2 So I have like a few things that I like topics that I want to talk about that I think apply to both whether you're breaking up or getting broken up with.

Speaker 2 And the first one I want to talk about is the closure conversation and kind of hear your thoughts on when you think closure is necessary, when to have the conversation, what to say in the conversation, and kind of both of our experiences with it.

Speaker 2 But let's start because I even have more questions about this with your breakup you just described.

Speaker 2 So can you like take me through and talk about like when you had that first conversation, talk to me about that.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, that's interesting of like when you deserve closure because I think my first reaction goes to this is a pretty perfect example because I think you deserve closure when you're blindsided, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Like I was completely blindsided.

Speaker 1 So it was like, no, no, no, you now cannot disappear off the face of the earth and just never give me an explanation as to why this is happening, especially since he was the one that cheated.

Speaker 1 I was like, wait, I've put in so much work. Like, if anything, I should be the one breaking up with you.
Like, what the fuck? So, yeah, it was pretty brutal. I didn't hear from him.

Speaker 1 I mean, again, and this is like 10 years ago. So this is just like, from what I remember, is about a couple days went by.

Speaker 1 And then I got an email from him. I forgot about that.
I know that email.

Speaker 1 I think I remember, I will never forget, like the fucking subject line was like hypocrite. And I was like, oh, hello.
But I like saw his name. So I was like happy and also terrified.

Speaker 1 And we then went back and forth on email for about 24 hours. And it started with him being like super nasty.
And it was clear that like his friends had gotten into his head.

Speaker 1 And then slowly it got to him being like, I've never been more miserable. I miss you so much.

Speaker 1 And that really fucked with my head because as hard as a breakup is, for those 72 hours, I was slowly trying to, like I said, pick myself up off the side of the road and really start to like repair.

Speaker 1 I was in no way, shape, or form ready to completely be like, all right, I'm back on my feet, but you start to grieve. So then for him to come back and be like, I miss you, was so disorienting.

Speaker 1 But I think I also clung to it because it felt like

Speaker 1 it, I don't know, it felt like, why wouldn't I take that? Right.

Speaker 1 Like I was angry, but I also, when you're angry at the person that's breaking up with you, there's also a part of you that's like, but but they also were the closest person to you in your life so i was kind of like wanting to get that's what i was gonna ask in that first like conversation that you guys had going into that were you hoping to get back together i think i was just looking for some form of i know this is fucked up to say but like closure in the concept of like somewhat getting my power back i felt so embarrassed and hurt that i felt like when he was telling me that he loved me and like he was i remember him like texting me after we transitioned and he unblocked me um and we got back to texting he was like i'm still your person right and so imagine the mind which i think we should get into today is like i'm looking for closure but he's still saying i love you you're still my person so it's like but why did then did you break up with me and he i think he kind of was unresolved in what he wanted and so it made it really really hard on me and so the closure ended up lasting for like three months.

Speaker 1 We ended up ongoing conversations.

Speaker 2 Ongoing. Like trying to get back together, just trying to like figure out.
I think it was a little, are we making the right decision? Is this really over?

Speaker 1 I think that was like,

Speaker 1 I think a part of us knew it was over,

Speaker 1 but then we wanted to like see if we could relive it for a second and maybe like maybe we could make it work. And it was so clear that there was so much hurt on my end of like, you disrespected me.

Speaker 1 I mean, he had publicly tweeted our breakup.

Speaker 1 I guess when I look back, the closure was not the closure I would suggest for anyone listening is like, you should not allow closure to be that long and to continue to be that long because you're really only hurting yourself by engaging in it.

Speaker 1 But who am I to say at the same time? Because it's like, well, I lived it and I did that.

Speaker 2 So that was going to be my next question. Like now where you are and like the experiences you have, the other people you've dated, the therapy you've done, what advice would you give now?

Speaker 1 Okay, so I think my biggest advice, which is really, really hard, again, and I'm giving you the advice that I wish I could have given myself is like

Speaker 1 trying to avoid getting so into the weeds when you're having a breakup conversation when you're the person that's getting broken up with.

Speaker 1 Because for example, I remember saying to him, like, we literally were like looking at houses in Westchester. We were talking about getting a dog.
Like we were like, what do you mean?

Speaker 1 So like, how did this happen? And so pausing right there.

Speaker 1 I'm asking him like, how were we talking and planning our future? And then you're doing this to me.

Speaker 1 that's like something i needed to work on in therapy because what i now have perspective on is i was asking those things because my reality had just been completely shifted and it was now distorted and literally less than 10 minutes ago at one point i was like oh my gosh i wonder like what color we should paint the walls of that house that we're looking at to then all of a sudden he's no longer in my life But asking the person like, but so did you not mean it about the Westchester house?

Speaker 1 No, most of the times they do do mean it about the house and the planning and everything, but something shifted for them.

Speaker 1 And so, getting so in the weeds of like, okay, but what about when we were looking for a dog? Did you know then?

Speaker 1 You're only going to upset yourself more and they are not going to give you the answer that you want. So, try not to get so deep into like, but this, this, this, this.

Speaker 1 And just, I think try as hard as you can to stay more high-level about, like, do you have an idea of like when you knew? What is the biggest factor for this? And like, was there anything

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 1 we could have each done or have you known this for a while like it's pretty much that and i think you can kind of get clarity on like

Speaker 2 is this done done and like do you see this as like completely not being fixable and like not holding on to hope and if you're the person doing the breakup or initiating the closure conversation like not giving false hope.

Speaker 1 No, and I think that that is one of the biggest traps on both sides that people get into because most of the time, even if it's a nasty breakup, this is someone that you were in love with, you sleep with, you are building a life with.

Speaker 1 When the person that's getting broken up with looks at the person and it's like, wait, but wait, but like, so this is it.

Speaker 1 I think the person that is doing the breaking up, there's a part of them that is like, if they loved you at all, is trying to ease the blow in any capacity.

Speaker 2 And you make it you think it feels better if you're like, well, like, maybe there's a chance sometime.

Speaker 1 And it's like, do not do that. That makes it worse.
Because it feels better. It's selfish.
That is you being selfish.

Speaker 1 If you're the one breaking up with someone and they ask you if it's completely over and you're like, well, maybe, I don't know. Like, let's, we just need some time.

Speaker 1 Do not do that, especially if you know that's not your true answer because you're leading them on. And it actually is so much fucking better if you just close the door.

Speaker 1 Like, you guys, as I'm saying this, I'm realizing, and we've talked about this before, Lauren. Like,

Speaker 1 I don't know who I am to be giving advice.

Speaker 1 I guess now because I've like found found a relationship that is working and works, but I have never, ever in the history of all of my relationships, ever been able to do a clean break.

Speaker 1 I have never been able to be like, okay, this is over. Goodbye.
I have always lingered. Most of the time, I'm the one that's doing the breaking up, except for that really, that tough one.

Speaker 1 We still lingered. When I've been breaking up with people, I still am going back.
They're coming back and we're, and it is so fucking messy.

Speaker 1 Again, I think it depends on what point of your life you're at. Like I can sit here and tell my college bitches, like, guys, don't do that.
Who am I fucking kidding you? Are you so hard? It's so hard.

Speaker 1 It's so fun. Like, it's so fucked up to be like, oh my God, fucking, then you see him in the fucking dining hall or you see him at the frat party and then like you're getting each other jealous.

Speaker 1 So it's like, I don't want to also be like, you know, don't go back and have a clean cut. If you're engaging in a little less mature relationships, I think that's normal.

Speaker 1 If you're really talking about life partner marriage kind of shit,

Speaker 1 you got to close the fucking door right then and there.

Speaker 2 Kind of keeping on this like closure conversation.

Speaker 1 Why don't I turn the tables on you, you little bitch? Because Lauren, we lived a breakup of yours and you've broken up with two people.

Speaker 2 I've ended two serious relationships. Yes.

Speaker 1 You've ended and

Speaker 1 you've gotten better. That's so funny to say like you've gotten better at it.
The first one I remember Lauren's like going to be a break.

Speaker 2 You had to call your mom that morning. I'm breaking up with my college boyfriend.
We're living in New York City.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, look at me in the eyes. Not more than an hour.
Okay. I know that it's tempting because at that point you were like, he's going to be so blindsided.
And like, I need to really ease in.

Speaker 1 And I was like, not more than an hour. I'm not fucking kidding you.
I think it's five hours later. I'm looking at your location being like, they're getting back together.

Speaker 1 They're getting back together or something's happening. Talk to me about that.
breakup of how you handle that conversation and like any advice you have for people or like learnings you had from that.

Speaker 2 I think like my biggest thing that I went into that one with was I was going to lead with

Speaker 2 like we were just going to sit down. I was just going to lead with the line.
I'm sorry. I'm not in love with you and I'm breaking up with you.

Speaker 1 We practiced it so many times. Even your face.
We added a little bit more emotion. She was like, literally, I remember telling Lauren, you have to let him know you're not in love with him anymore.

Speaker 1 And Lauren was like, okay, I'm not in love with you. And I'm breaking.
I'm like, Lauren, Lauren can be so like analytical, but I was like, no, no, no, no, no. Like, like welt up a little tear.

Speaker 1 I'm like, Lauren.

Speaker 2 Well, the whole, like, thinking behind it was that, like, we weren't sure if I was going to get literally anything else across.

Speaker 2 So, I'm like, I just need to like rip the bandaid off immediately and leave with that line.

Speaker 1 Why did we think that?

Speaker 2 I wasn't in therapy then. I don't know.
I was kind of like avoidant.

Speaker 2 I don't know what we thought, but we were just like, I need to get in there, sit down, look them in the eyes, and say, I'm sorry, I'm not in love with you, and I'm breaking up with you.

Speaker 1 Wait, I'm literally listening to us, and I'm like, that is horrible.

Speaker 1 We were like, we thought we were so locked in. We were like,

Speaker 1 rehearse it again. Wait, one more time.
She's walking out the door. I'm like, one more time.
She's like, I'm not in love with you. I'm like, oh man, it's going to be great.

Speaker 1 That is not the way to approach it.

Speaker 2 No, I was going to say, I actually have a different opinion on that now. Okay.
Because one of the things I had written down.

Speaker 1 So do I.

Speaker 2 One of the things I had written down was when you're breaking up with someone. Can you say like, I still love you? Is that fucked up?

Speaker 2 And if you're getting broken up with, can you ask, like, do you still love me? And if they say yes, like, okay, what does that mean?

Speaker 1 Two things. Number one, if you're getting broken up with, I will actually fucking punch you in the head.
If you're like, but do you still love me? Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Girl, take the fucking L and your pride.

Speaker 2 Actually, though, you feel that way?

Speaker 1 Warren, what do you mean? If someone is like, I don't want to.

Speaker 2 Like, we've been dating for like five years and like, I thought we were about to get married and like you're breaking up with me. I can't be like, so do you not love me anymore?

Speaker 2 Oh my God, I just said that.

Speaker 1 Do you see how crazy and delusional that is? It's like, does it matter? He's breaking up with you.

Speaker 2 Okay. So if you're getting broken up with, don't ask.

Speaker 1 do you still hardly

Speaker 2 but if you're breaking up with someone because okay now i have thoughts on this but i'm gonna hear your thoughts first if you're breaking up with someone can you say like i still love you okay first of all i just want to be clear clearly we're not we haven't had the best track record with this no my second one was better but i spent thousands of dollars in therapy preparing for that breakup yeah yeah

Speaker 1 but still we could have done better oh we listen yeah we did plan that one we're getting to that but for this i think

Speaker 1 i'm want to be clear. I'm saying don't do that.
I'm not saying I haven't done it or I like, I get it. It can happen if you're like, but do you still love me?

Speaker 1 Because I think it's a natural thing of like, maybe it's your only hope left of being like, wait, this part of this was real, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And again, that goes to the person getting broken up with.

Speaker 1 You're trying to find some semblance of like your reality and you're trying to ground yourself in like, I just got fucking whiplashed out of this thing. This has been my life.
Now it's not. Hold on.

Speaker 1 Give me one morsel of of like hope that i wasn't

Speaker 1 missing everything and that i'm not like crazy like am i just like a dumbass blind like yes but to answer that i think that it is not appropriate to say

Speaker 1 i'm still in love with you

Speaker 1 I think that's beyond inappropriate.

Speaker 1 If you're breaking up with someone and saying, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you anymore, this isn't going to work out, but I'm still madly in love with you. Oh, okay, Fernando.

Speaker 1 Well, what do I do with that? Like, awesome. Should we go to dinner? Like,

Speaker 1 okay.

Speaker 1 Because that's where the person getting broken up with. And you've seen the movies where they're kind of like,

Speaker 1 so are you still coming to my cousin's wedding with me this weekend? Like, what are we doing? I think that you can say,

Speaker 1 I still have love

Speaker 1 for you.

Speaker 1 And I will always like feel love towards you, but I just think, because you cannot be madly in love with

Speaker 1 and be like, I'm leaving you, unless what I talked about the other week was like, I am madly in love with you, but you don't want kids and I do. And so like, I have to leave for myself and for you.

Speaker 1 This is not that, if it's a very specific,

Speaker 1 baby, if you're just like, oh, it ain't working, but like, so obsessed with you.

Speaker 1 Where do we go? Do you disagree? You disagree.

Speaker 2 No, I agree.

Speaker 2 No, no, this is the evolution from breakup one to breakup two for me. Breakup one, like, I wasn't in love with him.
I still had love for him just because there was so much history there.

Speaker 1 And I think you said, I, I, like, of course, I still love you.

Speaker 2 No, for some reason in my head, we drilled it in that I have to go in there and say, I'm not in love with you.

Speaker 1 You were like, you disgust me. He's like, wait, what? You're like, I don't know why I just love that.

Speaker 2 In my mind, it was like, if I even say, like, I have love for you, like, that's misleading.

Speaker 1 You know what I think it was? And this is why that one was really difficult is because

Speaker 1 the length of it. Yes.
Seven fucking years.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's longer than most marriages.

Speaker 2 I feel like I needed to go in and be like, we outie.

Speaker 1 We fucking give it a heartbreak. So, yeah, that's true.
I think we thought he was going to like fight you a little bit on that.

Speaker 1 We were worried he was going to be like, Lauren, calm down, like hold on, and talk you lightly out of it in a way that you were like, oh, I'll fucking get talked out of it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'll stay another year. Yeah.
Because you would already,

Speaker 1 guys.

Speaker 1 I'd already saved five extra. Just actually,

Speaker 1 for context, for context, we knew by about like year two.

Speaker 1 And then all of a sudden she's hitting year seven and she's like, what's another year? So I was like, you will not get talked out of this. That's why

Speaker 2 I went down and laid the hammer down.

Speaker 1 Okay, so any learnings from that breakup?

Speaker 2 I think my breakup one was cold.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So cold as I am.

Speaker 2 So breakup two,

Speaker 2 I was in a very different place in life. I'd been through therapy.
This was a much more mature relationship. Let's talk about this.

Speaker 2 So I think something I was thinking about the other day, like, no, and we were going to like talk about this. When I was living with him and we were having these

Speaker 2 very like everything on the table conversations, acknowledging like, can we make this work? Is there compromise here? Are these differences too big to move forward?

Speaker 2 And when we were living together and like just in this house that we both lived in and that kind of represented like us trying to like have this adult relationship and like look to the future.

Speaker 2 I just like couldn't get myself to end it and like couldn't really picture ending it.

Speaker 2 And then I, we were going on tour for like tour two and I came out to LA to do rehearsals for like a few weeks with you. And like.

Speaker 2 Getting out of our shared space and kind of just having time away and it was at the point where we were having those like every single night, those like exhausting conversations where you wake up like

Speaker 2 i'm so like emotionally exhausted like i can't see straight like i don't even have the energy to like you guys were literally it wasn't even like fighting no it was just like we were hitting such walls because we just wanted such different things and i was just so emotionally exhausted and like also like confused that it took me like physically leaving our shared space and like not that like i got to la and you sat you didn't like sit me down and be like you need to leave, or like, anything like that.

Speaker 2 It was just, I think, the act of like, which is my advice for people, if you're in something like I just described, where you feel like you're in this cycle and like we just keep hitting the same dead end over and over and over.

Speaker 2 And you have that gut feeling. You're just like, I know, and I think, but you wake up and like you're kind of oscillating, like, you go to sleep knowing you want to do it.

Speaker 2 Then you wake up and you see them and you're like, but wait, do I? It just made like the world of difference getting out of our shared space, having a week away.

Speaker 2 And then I literally, I remember it, I woke up, you had, we hadn't really talked about anything. I woke up, we sat at the breakfast table, and I was just like, Alex, I need to end my relationship.

Speaker 2 And you were kind of like, wait, what?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I remember that too, because I remember where, again, we had gotten to that point where

Speaker 1 you

Speaker 1 were so drained. And I agree with you.
I think had you been not able to get away, I think that it probably would have gone on longer. Death.
Oh, I know for a fact.

Speaker 1 Literally, daddy gang, even if you go away for a girls trip, if you go stay with your parents,

Speaker 2 go home for a weekend, like ask your friend, like, can I sleep over a night or two?

Speaker 1 And just like, clear your head, because I agree with you. You were like, but then we're like,

Speaker 1 we had a nice dinner. Yeah.
So then like, does that mean I should stay? And it's like.

Speaker 1 when you're in the weeds again of like life and then you have these moments where you're it starts to kind of fuck with you because you have one little good moment and then you can be like okay, I can push it off.

Speaker 1 No, maybe it's not that much. Because there was some love there.

Speaker 2 So that, like you're saying, was what was confusing. Like we'd have this fight and like be crying and being like, can we make it work? And then the next morning, we'd be laughing over breakfast.

Speaker 2 And I'd be like, I'm so fucking confused.

Speaker 1 There is nothing that makes me happier than when I get a compliment from someone and they say, Alex,

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Speaker 1 And so you do it on tour. Yeah.
It went. as good as it could go.
Yeah. Now let's fast forward to closure.

Speaker 1 Talk to me about that part because you ended up going back and seeing him and going back to your shared space because you had to get your shit.

Speaker 2 I think like the main driving force of the closure conversation was like logistic base because we lived together and we needed to figure out like when I was moving out

Speaker 2 what, how we were dividing up all the stuff and the furniture. So like that was like the main reason that we were having the closure conversation.

Speaker 2 And I also kind of just like opened the floor and was like, you didn't ask a single question really during the breakup.

Speaker 2 So like if you need me to answer anything or explain anything during the closure conversation, like, I'm open to do that.

Speaker 1 That's really nice.

Speaker 1 Most people wouldn't do that. That's really nice.

Speaker 2 Oh, thank you. Yeah.
I mean, I cared about him. Totally.

Speaker 1 So, I think overall, closure conversations,

Speaker 1 a lot of times, I've learned: don't go in asking for the weeds, don't ask all these questions.

Speaker 1 You can ask a couple questions, but at the end of the day, most of the closure is going to come from within yourself.

Speaker 1 After closure,

Speaker 1 without a doubt, something that I failed at, but we should talk about now that I'm reformed,

Speaker 1 is no contact.

Speaker 1 Let's talk about no contact, Lauren. How are your thoughts on it? Have you been able to achieve it? Because we know I didn't.
Tell me.

Speaker 2 I think if someone were to ask me and say, like, what, if you can give one piece of a breakup advice, what would it be? Without a question, no contact.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I wish I could have done that ever.

Speaker 1 self-restraint is

Speaker 1 impeccable over there.

Speaker 2 Oh, well, um, okay, I lied. So I did go no contact in theory in the sense that like after the closure conversation, we like never texted.
I didn't have social media at the time.

Speaker 2 So like I had to do it.

Speaker 1 That makes it so much easier.

Speaker 2 So I had no social media to follow him or anyone. And we like really didn't even have like a mutual friend.
So like it was like no contact.

Speaker 2 And like I actually had like not the slightest clue what he was up to, except I did this one, like slightly creepy thing that was like my like

Speaker 2 backdoor way into like a little bit of contact.

Speaker 1 You don't come off as a creep, so I'm ready for whatever this is about to be.

Speaker 2 I don't think I'm normally a creep, I think this was just like my one little thing where creeper mentality, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, this was like my one thing where I kind of like look back and I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I mean, breakups can make you go fucking crazy. Yeah, okay, what did you do?

Speaker 2 Um, so the year prior for Christmas, I got his parents one of those digital photo frames that you can control on the phone app. So I had the phone app for his parents' photo frame, and I still

Speaker 2 like had the login, was like Wi-Fi, up to date, getting all the live time.

Speaker 2 So the photo frame app became like my social media, and I would just go in daily and see what photos the family were uploading to the family photo frame. I watched him go to a

Speaker 2 baseball game the week after we broke up.

Speaker 2 One of his little cousin's birthdays was a few weeks later and they looked pretty happy there.

Speaker 1 And you're like waiting to see him pop up with a new girl.

Speaker 1 How long did you do this, Lauren?

Speaker 2 Just like a month.

Speaker 1 And then I was a month.

Speaker 2 And then I was like, and then I was like, I need to delete this photo frame app. But I think they maybe caught on because like...

Speaker 2 You can like see like the little bubbles like who's in the app, like who's logged into the photo frame.

Speaker 2 And I think they saw me in there because they then like really slowed the ropes on like the amount of photos they were uploading.

Speaker 1 It's like fucking creeper. They're like, I mean, Lauren's in here every fucking day, 24 hours.
That's, yeah, that's going to do it. Um, that's creep.
That's creep mentality, but I agree.

Speaker 2 That's like creeping on the family.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 it's that's like a different level of creep. You're kind of like, what's your dad up to? And it's like, why do you care? I think that that's normal, though, not that.

Speaker 2 To go on the person's photo, family photo frame.

Speaker 1 I think the curiosity, when you know someone's family and have been to family dinners and functions it's weird to just be like okay

Speaker 1 see you around or i guess i won't like it is an odd feeling to lose essentially this new community that you built into your life through this person. It's an extension of your life.

Speaker 1 And then it gets completely cut off. And every weekend you were going and seeing his family and now they're gone.
You kind of need to wean off, you know?

Speaker 1 And so no contacts can be a little difficult because when you go cold turkey, you can start to have like the jitters.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, I think I'm like, I'm like, it's too much. So, I agree.
I think social media plays that part.

Speaker 1 But my biggest advice for social media was: I remember when door number three and I, if you guys remember door number three,

Speaker 1 we had a very serious relationship and we

Speaker 1 ended so cordially, which is such a weird. It's almost harder.
Oh, it's horrible. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 we had a really tough breakup because

Speaker 1 we were long distance and we decided it wasn't right.

Speaker 2 But then we continued to follow each other on social media because thinking you could do it like amicably because there was no bad blood.

Speaker 1 Yes. And then I would see him post or post on his story.
And every single time I saw his face pop up, I had either a negative or positive reaction.

Speaker 1 Some days I would be laying in bed and I would miss him and then I'm seeing him on social and then I'm romanticizing and then I'm going through our DMs.

Speaker 1 Sometimes I would see it, but I'm on a date with another guy and I'm like, why am I looking at this shit?

Speaker 1 And so eventually I did unfollow him and I knew it was the best decision, but it was really difficult because I think as much as I hate to admit this,

Speaker 1 We all take social media followings and blockings like the fucking word of God. Like people will be like, you unfollowed me like, or you're so fucking immature, whatever.

Speaker 2 That it's almost like a flex. Like, oh no, like we can still follow each other and be cordial.

Speaker 1 And it's like, please hear me, Daddy Gang, when I say, I would rather you have your now ex get pissed at you temporarily to be like, you're so immature that you can't follow me.

Speaker 1 And then that be the one conversation and then you keep moving forward rather than you stay following someone and you stay having to follow their life.

Speaker 1 And listen, you're all like, well, you can just mute the person. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 you can feel when you're following someone get this person out of your life i so agree with that i also think for no contact something that i would put into the category of no contact which is really really really really hard is i am someone who takes pride in the amount that

Speaker 1 i save things and prior to being married When I started Call Her Daddy,

Speaker 1 it was like almost validating for me that I had kept all of my exes and i conversation all of our pictures all of our screenshots and that it was great content for call her daddy and i was like i knew i needed this one day

Speaker 1 but in hindsight when you do break up with someone i really really believe that if you know in your heart that you're never gonna go back to this person you really should be deleting your text messages with them because in dark moments where you're in bed and it's raining and you've got the notebook on and you're crying, you're like, what did he say to me on December 15th?

Speaker 1 And you go back to your text and you're reading it. And it's only hurting yourself because you're rereading a reality that doesn't exist anymore.

Speaker 1 And you can trick yourself into being like, I missed that. I want that.
But there's a reason it ended. So I would say delete the text.

Speaker 1 And I'm not saying you have to delete the pictures, but put the pictures on a computer or something that are not. Hard drive.
Yes, because let me fucking tell you.

Speaker 1 As a girl that has 500,000 photos on her phone, when I'm scrolling and and I'm like, oh, I need to find that picture from 2020. And I'm like, oh.

Speaker 2 Or when your phone's like featured photos of the day.

Speaker 1 And it's like you two cuddling. And you're like, no, no, no.
So I think delete. No contact though is hard.
Let's pivot into

Speaker 1 when you have a similar friend group.

Speaker 2 Oh, I've been there.

Speaker 1 Yes, so have I. Let's talk about that because, so

Speaker 1 when you do a breakup, the best success you're going to have is if you can literally cut off every single form of everything and you act like this person literally died.

Speaker 1 I know it's morbid, but that's the truth because you need to start to like flush your system of this person and that life that you had with them.

Speaker 1 When you have a similar friend group, it's close to impossible. And I remember, so I had a boyfriend in college that we were really serious.
And

Speaker 1 when we broke up and I broke up with him, I remember being so resolute in this decision.

Speaker 1 I knew at the bottom of my heart, I loved him so much as a friend, and I just didn't see us romantically lasting.

Speaker 1 But we were intertwined in everything in college. And then I will never forget, I think the bar is shut down now.
It was called Tease back in the day at BU.

Speaker 1 We were all at Tease and he shows up with a girl on the field hockey team. And I am like.

Speaker 1 What is he doing? And in my head, I'm like, he's still mine. Meanwhile, it's like, you broke up with him, Alex.
Let him go. He's with this girl on the field hockey team.

Speaker 1 And I'm really not proud of this. After like my like third shot, I remember being like, I'm going to get him back tonight.
And I was so immature.

Speaker 1 And I went up to him and I ruined his good thing and I seduced him into coming back with me and we had sex. And in the morning, I woke up being like, why did I do that?

Speaker 1 It was like my ego needed to like not let him go, even though I was the one who let him go.

Speaker 1 But the proximity of seeing him with another woman clouded my judgment so heavily in believing that I still wanted him.

Speaker 1 But really, it was just jealousy and all these things led to I hurt him because he woke up and he asked me, so what does this mean? And in my heart, I was like, fuck, this means nothing.

Speaker 1 And so having similar friend groups, I started to realize like, I need to stop when I know he's going to that bar, go to a different fucking bar that night.

Speaker 1 The temporary annoyance of having to pivot with my friends to go to different places was worth me able to start to move on and him also being able to move on more importantly.

Speaker 1 What is your friendship situation?

Speaker 2 My solution is, I think, a little unrealistic. So I'll also give some like realistic.
solutions.

Speaker 2 But when I broke up with my college boyfriend in New York, we, my whole New York friend group was our college friend group. Like, we had like the most overlapping possible friend group.

Speaker 2 And that's when I moved.

Speaker 1 That's when I was like, you're like a fucking outie, bitch. Oh, yeah.
So, like, okay, yeah, to backtrack.

Speaker 2 So, that's when I sat down and I was like, hey, so I'm breaking up with you. I'm not in love with you.
And in a week, I'm moving to LA.

Speaker 1 He was like, Are you going through an episode or something?

Speaker 2 Like, I actually knew if I did not move, because our lives were so ingrained that, like, there's no chance that I would have stuck with the breakup.

Speaker 2 So yes, I know that everyone can't just break up with someone and pack up their life and move.

Speaker 2 I know that's not realistic, but I really do think if you share a friend group, you need to do like at least one month of

Speaker 2 it's going to be annoying, but like being mindful of like, we're not going to go to the same things and like asking your friends, asking people, do you know if he's going to be there?

Speaker 2 Sorry, can you find out if he's going to be there? Like don't just like do the thing where you go and being like, I don't think he's going to be there, like knowing he probably will.

Speaker 2 And like, cause every time you see them, it's just literally like setting you back and setting you back.

Speaker 2 And I also think like, don't let it become an ego thing where it's like, well, these are my friends. Like he needs to be the one to not come.
Like, no.

Speaker 1 And when alcohol is involved, oh my God, I just feel like every time you go out and you run into your ex and everyone's drinking, you're at bars or restaurants or whatever it be,

Speaker 1 really watch yourself. If you know you do have to randomly be in a situation where you're going to be with a recent ex.
I think protect yourself from like, do not not overindulge.

Speaker 1 Maybe don't drink that night because the minute you hit that second drink, he may start to look nice again or you're looking for a fight. It's going to go wrong.
I agree with you though, Lauren.

Speaker 1 I think

Speaker 1 this is probably one of the hardest situations is when, I mean, even if you have a fucking coworker, that's also fucking horrible.

Speaker 2 Because when you go through a breakup, you're like, I want to lean into like the social element to like distract myself. So it's so much harder when you're like, oh, cool.

Speaker 2 Like now I have to like decide, like, is he going to be there? Am I going to be there? That's giving me less social opportunities.

Speaker 1 I do think, though, something that I could give people advice for if you are in that situation with a friend group is being really open with your friends.

Speaker 1 Because I do think sometimes when you are the person that you guys are both in the same friend group, you both broke up, everyone's kind of like, okay, we know you broke up, but like we're now not going to like not go enjoy our Saturday night because you guys don't want us to all be together.

Speaker 2 I think you can make that clear. Like, guys, I'm not asking you to pick sides.
I just need you to help me because I want to navigate this like the most respectful way.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm saying. I think you need to have an honest conversation being like, guys, I know this is really annoying.
Trust me, I didn't want this. Like, I really didn't want this.

Speaker 1 Like, I knew this had to happen for our relationship, but I didn't want this to impact the friend group.

Speaker 1 Unfortunately, this is my reality now, and I don't want this to fuck up your plans and everything. I just need you guys, if you don't mind, like, just help me out a little bit here in this transition.

Speaker 1 And I know it's annoying, and I love you guys so much. I think just giving your friends a little bit of that

Speaker 1 like just acknowledgement that you know this is not ideal and you don't want them to pick sides at all.

Speaker 2 Oh, you know what else this reminds me of kind of if you're navigating I think if you're navigating a shared friend group or you just have like a few mutual mutual friends

Speaker 2 don't do the thing where you start like sitting people down like So do you know if he's going on any dates recently? Like, oh like do you know what he's up to?

Speaker 1 Like you literally did.

Speaker 1 I wasn't going to throw that out there.

Speaker 1 Like, rewind and zoom in on Lauren's face. She's like, don't do this.
You literally go,

Speaker 1 oh my God, Alex is calling me out. No, I didn't think you were going to call me out for that.

Speaker 1 I didn't even think I told you about that.

Speaker 1 Oh, sweetie. Sweetie.

Speaker 1 I will not specify when and where, but I will. Trust me, you're talking to the queen of the fucking crazy back in the day.
Are you kidding me?

Speaker 2 I only have one. I actually only have one mutual friend with my ex.
Yeah. And like, the odds that I see this person are so low.

Speaker 2 So I'm like, oh my God, the universe like just wants me to like corner this person and like grill them.

Speaker 1 Lauren was good.

Speaker 2 I'm like going to the bar and being like, you need another drink? You need another drink. I'm buying this like mutual friend like all of these drinks to get them sauced up and then grill them.

Speaker 1 And you're like, so what's going on? And meanwhile, it's like, you have, that's also what's so fucked. And that's why you have to get away from your ex is because there's such an ego trip.

Speaker 1 We're like, you, I couldn't pay you to get back with this man. No.
I couldn't pay you to even kiss this man ever again. You have no interest.
I was just curious. It's the curiosity.

Speaker 1 Like I used to have memorized like grid for grid, row by row, some of the fucking bitches that were dating my exes. I'd be like, wait, why did you delete that picture?

Speaker 1 It's like from like 15 weeks ago. I'm like, where did the picture go? I was such a creep, a creep on creep, but I get it.
And that's natural. So if you can indulge a little, but don't overdo it.

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Speaker 1 So, Daddy Gang, whether you have overlapping friend groups or not, one of my biggest pieces of advice is after a breakup, you have to switch up more than one thing from your routine.

Speaker 1 You just lost your girlfriend or your boyfriend. That is a big blow, but you now need to kind of like implement a couple other changes.

Speaker 1 So there is not just one glaring gap in the corner of like, I lost this person, but I'm still going to our favorite restaurant every Friday and I'm still going to the workout class we frequented.

Speaker 1 Like change it the fuck up so you almost just feel like you're entering into a new season of your life and you're trying new different routines. because I also think that can be extremely helpful in

Speaker 1 forcing you to re-engage and like stimulate yourself and focus on things.

Speaker 1 Like literally as dumb as like, if you went to the same coffee shop when he would sleep over and you would go down to this one coffee shop, go to a different one. Cause guess what's going to happen?

Speaker 1 Not only are you not going to think about your ex, you're also going to be stimulated by a new experience that then you're not even thinking about your ex. Oh, this new coffee shop.

Speaker 1 Oh, this aesthetic is cute. Oh, I just met this cool barista.
Like, change it the fuck up.

Speaker 2 Oh, fully. I was even thinking, like, this is like such a smaller example.
Um, but I changed my perfume because you know, like, how like scents can like you smell

Speaker 2 in your life? Like, that's a good, yeah. Like, I, towards the end of that relationship, I had bought a new perfume and I didn't even like realize it, but like, that perfume was just like reminding me.

Speaker 2 Like, I would spray that perfume after I moved out of the place we shared.

Speaker 2 I would spray that perfume and it would literally just like jolt me to like our shared bathroom of me getting ready in the morning.

Speaker 1 That's so, oh my God, I didn't even know that.

Speaker 2 That's a neuroscience fact.

Speaker 1 No, that's like a really good point. Also, this was hard for me because you guys know I'm such a hoodie girl, but like I would always have hoodies from my exes.

Speaker 1 And I think a lot of times I would justify keeping them because I'd be like, oh, I get the fuck rid of their stuff. Yeah.
I know that sounds so simple, but I do think we hold on to little things.

Speaker 1 And like,

Speaker 1 again, as the lingerer, like I, I don't know if I've ever ever not gone back to an ex in my life.

Speaker 1 So I think if you're one, if you're someone like me in that way, I think that we fuck ourselves by not getting rid of the hoodies, not getting rid of the text messages.

Speaker 1 Cause why am I not deleting them? Because a part of me thinks, oh, I'm definitely going to get back with them at some point. Like with door number three, we would end.

Speaker 1 And in my head, I'm like, I'll talk to him in three weeks. That's not healthy for anyone involved if you really want to move forward.
So

Speaker 1 you got to kind of get rid of it all.

Speaker 2 Like restart some stuff. I think my final thing about

Speaker 2 redoing change, making changes post-breakup. I think it is definitely really hard if you shared a space and like you were living together.

Speaker 2 If you have the option, if like you guys are figuring out logistics and he's like, Do you want the place or do you want if you have the option?

Speaker 2 Because I know like financially, this is like a huge thing. So, like, you might not have the option.
If you're trying to figure it out and you have the option, leave, leave and start with a new place.

Speaker 2 If you don't and you guys break up and you are now living alone in your shared space, mix some things up. Have some friends come over, do some rearranging.

Speaker 2 Even if you just like feng shui, put the bed facing a different way, like go get a different pair of curtains, maybe put up a different piece of art.

Speaker 2 Ask a friend if they want to trade some stuff with you. If you like you want to be financially like savvy,

Speaker 2 go on Facebook Marketplace. Just like as much as you can mix up if you have to stay in your shared space after.
So like you're not just like constantly looking around.

Speaker 2 I think what we're saying saying is just like

Speaker 2 when you're going through a breakup, you're essentially going through with a withdrawal. So you want to limit the amount of constant reminders you have.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 my last point would be, because I know that there's probably a very, very just

Speaker 1 black and white line on. you either recently got broken up with or you recently broke up with someone to the people who just recently broke up with someone.

Speaker 1 I'm assuming that there is a form of guilt that you have. And there could also be doubts, right?

Speaker 1 Because when you do break up with someone, and as much as we always wish in our head, like, oh, I wish I was the one that was doing the breaking up, it's still really hard, especially if you were in love with this person.

Speaker 1 And my advice to you would be:

Speaker 1 you did this person such a favor by being honest. And again, I get you probably are like, well, I could have done it a year ago.
It doesn't matter. You did it.

Speaker 1 Breaking up with someone, especially because if you have people pleasing tendencies, if there is an emotional true, true connection, it is so fucking hard to let go of someone that you love, no matter what the circumstances.

Speaker 1 It's really fucking hard because it's really fucking rare to actually have like a genuine connection with someone.

Speaker 1 So I would say be proud of yourself, but also be proud of yourself for the other person as well that

Speaker 1 You made a call that was hard, but in the long run, you're releasing that person and you're giving them the ability to now go find what will make them happy.

Speaker 1 And a lot of times I think when people are going to have to break up with someone, something that, I mean, we've discussed when you were doing it, where it was like, oh my God, it's going to hurt them so much.

Speaker 1 And it's going to, no, what would hurt them more is if they know that you are in a relationship that you're, when you're not 100% in it, if you're faking being with this person, don't stay with someone out of pity because yes, at first glance, that person would be like, wait, no, don't leave me.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. They will thank you in their head.
It may not be tomorrow and it may not even be in a year, but eventually they will see, thank fucking God, that that person let me go. So you're fine.

Speaker 1 You did the right decision because when you know, you know, and you got to fucking do it. Then to the people that just got broken up with, and it kind of goes back to the beginning of this episode.

Speaker 1 You are.

Speaker 1 Without a doubt, probably feeling like you are at one of the most devastating points of your life.

Speaker 1 You feel confused, depending on how close you were to the ring and the house and the marriage and the kids. You can feel, especially as a woman, like

Speaker 1 I would almost just rather go back to him than start over because starting over actually, as we continue to get older as women, looks like a bigger and bigger and bigger fucking mountain to climb.

Speaker 1 And it feels almost close to impossible that settling feels easier than starting fresh. And what I will say to that is my best friend sitting across from me had

Speaker 1 the ring, had the

Speaker 1 idea of the house and all of it. And we had these conversations.
And now she is entering this new chapter of her life. And we were literally sitting together last night over wine.

Speaker 1 And we were like, can you imagine if you stayed? Yes, we're both 31. And we were like, bitch,

Speaker 1 it. It, guys, it changes in a couple fucking months.
You will be back. You will find a new person.
And you will be thanking yourself for having the strength to actually get out.

Speaker 1 It is the momentary discomfort that forces you to think, oh my god, maybe I should go back. Lean the fuck in.
Everyone goes through it, you guys. Everyone goes through heartbreak.

Speaker 1 Everyone goes through breakups. You're not the only person that's had to deal with it.
And prove to yourself you're strong enough to not just settle and accept something.

Speaker 1 Force yourself to go forward because you're going to get something so much fucking better on the other end of it because

Speaker 1 that's where my best friend is right now. And I'm really fucking proud of you.
So

Speaker 1 this is a heavy topic and it's not a fun topic, but it's also, it should start to, once you get out of the weeds of like the first like three months, four months of a breakup, it is kind of a fun topic because it's also just like the beginning of something so new that's coming that you have no idea what's about to happen and that is exciting.

Speaker 2 Three months post-breakup, the most common thing people were looking at me and saying was, I have never seen you look lighter, freer, or happier.

Speaker 1 And if you asked her one month after, even though she was the one that broke up, you were doubting yourself a little bit. You were wondering if you made the right decision.

Speaker 2 I was overwhelmed. We talked about, I was like, oh my God, I'm 30.

Speaker 2 I'm starting my life over.

Speaker 1 And now here you are. Better than ever.

Speaker 2 Don't let it be for nothing. Like my therapist used to say, every person that you date gets you one step closer to the person you're supposed to marry if you do it right.

Speaker 2 Because you're not just like having these past relationships and past experiences for like the hell of it and for companionship. Like, take stuff away from all of them.

Speaker 2 Like, let them be life experiences that inform the next person that you're going to be with.

Speaker 1 So, daddy gang, if you are going through a breakup right now, please be nice to yourself and gentle with yourself.

Speaker 1 This is not something that you're going to wake up the next day and be able to just get over, especially again, if you were actually genuinely in an honest relationship where there was love.

Speaker 1 Like, that shit's going to fucking sting and it's going to take a lot of time. And you may have moments where you regress, right?

Speaker 1 You may go on a date with someone and think that you're ready to date again and then you end up crying at home because you miss your ex. This is all normal shit.

Speaker 1 But overall, all I can say is Just be really, really fucking honest with yourself about what that was and what now you want in the future.

Speaker 1 And if you do that with yourself, any hiccups or whatever the fuck, have your friends and your family there for you, but you're gonna be okay because we both have gone through kind of really fucking messy breakups some good some really fucking bad

Speaker 1 and look one of them led me to start call her daddy maybe maybe you're about to start a fucking dad i'm like what did they lead me to

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 so much to call her daddy because i wouldn't have moved with you to la boom boom they led us both to call her daddy so what is it gonna lead you to i don't know dm me and let me know maybe you're literally about to start a fortune 500 company Boom, bitch.

Speaker 1 Let's fucking go. Love you guys.
And we will see you next Wednesday. Goodbye.

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