Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments

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No, she's already talking shit. Get in here.
I can't hear where the freezing is coming from. This direction? Oh my God, you guys.
It's us. We're back together again.
You're so stupid. Dude.
You have no idea how stupid you are. No, you don't know.
No do i do no sit down are those pills those are vicodin what i have a fever right now just so you know i this is my owls brew chelsea handler's vodka lemonade that's coming out with my book i have three flavors pink yellow and mint non-sparkling very healthy cocktail i'm gonna be drinking this while I'm you want to just do full promo and I'll just sit back and relax yeah I'm here wait what is so I was supposed to I I'm in agony I have a shoulder infection okay and they wanted to have surgery today and I have too much press including you I'm like I can't blow off Alex I don't even know who I'm talking to who am I talking to right now look at me there's so many people here okay we're all just staring at you but my assistant put this in my car this morning and I was like are you what do you want me to do with that he goes I don't know take it around with you I go take it around with me he's new to town so he doesn't know how things work I think it's but I thought it was really funny oh I think it's amazing just put it right there but i do have to take a vicodin and i thought what better place because do right here so i'm doing my surgery i got an injection to help my shoulder a prp injection whoever's listening don't ever do that and now and i've had chills and sweats for the last like two weeks since the injection and my my arm was excruciating like shoulder, I couldn't lift it. I can barely lift it now.
And I, so I come back from Whistler and I go to the doctor and I was like, something's off. And they're like, let's give you an MRI.
And they're like, oh, you have an infection. And I was like, okay.
And they're like, do you feel like you're infected? And I said, well, I've been having hot and cold flashes for the last two weeks, but I just assumed that was like perimenopause or something. So I got estrogen, progesterone, and now I found out it's a fucking infection.
And I'm probably not even in perimenopause. I probably am.
You know what I mean? Wait, so you're taking a Vicodin right now? Absolutely. I've never had one.
What does it do? You want one? No, no, no, no. You should have one, actually.
Should I? Yeah. To calm me down? Probably.
Does it relax you? It no no no you should have one actually should i yeah to calm me down probably does it relax you it feels good you know what i mean it's like a nice buzz like you'll see what happens to me like halfway through this interview it'll hit i i i cut it in half because it hits you faster if you do that just f y for pills i seem crazy right now no no this is good you look gorge i know thank you i loved your interview with amy oh that was fun yeah that was really fun that was a good time and she brought her like feet with no fucking nail polish and she didn't wear she didn't wear socks she doesn't she she dresses worse than you do you know what i mean she just does not give a shit i just was with her with her in New Orleans. Amy will walk down the street in pajamas and go out.

She does not care.

She doesn't care.

No.

But I kind of love that.

She did an episode with Oprah for something.

And I'm pretty sure it was something like sweatpants and like a cardigan.

And to do like some interview with Oprah somewhere.

And I just thought, wow wow look at you girl is that

how you feel about what I wore when I interviewed the vice president what I don't I wore a big fucking hoodie and everyone was giving me so much shit for it like how why did you dress up for that I think what your shtick is is good I should keep it yeah yeah keep it who cares who you're interviewing she didn't win anyway so obviously didn't fucking matter you know what I mean okay loser

we're not smoking today

no I don't think so. We can't.
We can't. But it will be there in memory of what we've done in the past.
Yeah, yeah. I heard you on the Amy Shimmer one say that you don't do drugs anymore.
That was very disappointing. No, no, no.
I don't do hard drugs. Okay.
I smoke weed. Yeah, okay.
That's not a hard drug, is it? No, weed is not a hard drug. Exactly.
So I still dab dabble with this. Okay.
Edibles, this, but I'm not like snorting a line today. But don't say you dabble with marijuana.
That sounds like you're 85 years old. Dabble with pot? I do.
I'm not hitting it like I used to. I used to have a bong in my apartment.
Yeah. Now I've kind of cut back.
Well, I don't, I'm such a mess. I don't know what I'm doing.
So you're drinking alcohol. I'm drinking alcohol.
I am on a liquid diet today for my surgery tomorrow morning. I'm not joking.
I'm getting surgery tomorrow morning. No, actually, I have an Owl's Brew photo shoot tomorrow.
So I have to wait until that's done because everyone's flying out from New York. And then I'm getting my surgery at around 1 p.m.
My photo shoot starts at 5 a.m.

I love being you.

I love it.

Chelsea Handler, welcome back to Call Her Daddy. I am so excited for this spring.
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You know, listen, I've tried in my growing up to not really get too, too involved in the drama. But, you know, we all love a good juicy rumor.
And let me tell you, Daddy Gang, it is time to spill the tea on a rumor I have heard going around. And by tea, I mean T-Mobile.
Boom. Yes.
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I don't know about you, but I love skipping lines. And I also love to go to concerts.
So, Daddy Gang, lean in to T-Mobile. T-Mobile customers.
I don't know about you, but I love skipping lines. And I also love to go to concerts.
So daddy gang, lean in to T-Mobile. T-Mobile wants to take you out on the town.
They will whine you. They will dine you like you have never had before.
Okay. So kick your old boyfriends to the curb.
We don't need to be treated like that. Leave them on read.
Okay. Sorry.
Who is this? Literally block their number and then hit up T-Mobile, the one you actually want to go out with. I love T-Mobile.
And here's the thing. I have a good self-esteem, but I'm not going to lie.
I love T-Mobile Tuesdays where T-Mobile thanks customers every Tuesday with perks and discounts. Okay.
I like being taken care of. So thank you, T-Mobile.
Check out the VIP treatment at T-Mobile.com slash benefits. How many times have I been here? Three.
This is the third. I love it.
Do you know what's happening? Not really. I mean, I never know what's happening with you.
I just know that there's always a lot happening. Oh, no.
So I'm moving. And this is like the original studio.
I don't know if you've ever seen it, but like we film in here all the time. But you're getting what I would consider like a nice moment because we're kind of like saying farewell to this space.
Oh, good. I love that.
That's why you're in this chair. I love that.
Is this a lawn chair? Yeah, this is like a lawn soccer mom chair. Oh, right.
Because you don't get the nice high end chairs that we used to have in here. Because you got rid of those? We got rid of those.
And you couldn't even rent two for the day because of what? Didn't you just make $100 million? I don't understand what is going on here. I thought it would humble us.
This, yeah. Well, I don't want to be humbled, okay? January has humbled all of us.
Okay? Period. The month of January should be taken off the calendar.
As they say in Spanish, enero finito. No.
Okay, we're going to play a game to kick this off. Oh, this is your new thing.
I heard you do this with Amy. Okay, sure.
Just because like, you know, unlike you and Amy, like some people need to loosen up. You don't need to loosen up at all.
Although I'm excited to see how this Vicodin hits. Yeah, yeah, me too.
Like what's going to happen? Maybe I'll take another one. Who knows? How fast does it hit? I mean, it'll just make my pain subside.
So your arm will just start. Yeah, it'll start probably, yeah.
Doing its thing. Yeah.
Okay. Restless arm syndrome.
I'm asking you if you want to keep this trend in 2024 or if you want to bring it into this year. Lookalike contests.
I don't want to keep any trend, okay? You don't even have to finish these questions. No, you're on a podcast.
You have to participate. Lookalike.
No. What is that again? Timothy Chalamet, Jeremy Allen White.
They've been doing like a lookalike. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't care about that. No.
Those two do lookalike though, by the way. They're both little nuggets.
You know what I mean? Would you ever attend a Chelsea Handler lookalike contest? I doubt that. Would you be insulted? No, I just don't care.
How do you feel about clean girl aesthetic?

Clean girl aesthetic.

Every time I come here, I feel like I'm talking to somebody in kindergarten.

That's how fucking old.

What is clean girl aesthetic?

You kind of are giving clean girl aesthetic right now.

Well, I'm fucking, I'm a hot piece of ass.

So if that's what that means, then great.

Clean girl is like minimal makeup.

Yes, I'm about that.

Oh, yeah.

I love that.

I love that.

But are you a pick me girl?

I don about that. Oh, yeah.
I love that. I love that.
But are you a pick me girl? A pick me. No.
Pick me? Like pick me? No. Despi? No.
So you know what pick me is. I think it means, I think I can understand what it means.
Yeah, desperado. Yeah, desperado.
Appeal to the male gaze. No, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't need to appeal to the male gaze. They see me.
Is it true that when you shower? You know what my favorite thing is about listening to your podcast? What? Is the only time you can tell when you're laughing because it's the only time you're not talking. So when there's, so just right, like, right to the listeners when it's when it's quiet because she has it you have a very quiet laugh it's like a little undertone yeah yeah yeah yeah so should i shut the fuck up no no i i love you so you i like you too we're now like what do you mean like i like any fucking things i've done for you are you fucking kidding me i flew to fucking nashville for your ass she asked me do you she asked me that she would send me a plane to nashville i did you didn't take the offer bitch you don't need to send me a fucking plane honestly send me a plane but that's a good friend that you didn't even like want to take the offer some people would be like immediately jumping on that yeah yeah well i've been on a lot of planes so that's okay thank you though thank you but thank you for showing up yeah I did show up and now look what we're doing we've got your fucking poster with your head on it yeah I've got this I've got my unwell here I am we're here here I am um I hear that when you shower you only clean your hot spots your vag your butt Is that true? This has become an issue.
Yeah. I don't know why my legs would be dirty.
They're covered up all day in my jeans and they're not out. You know what I mean? My legs aren't going out without me and I'm pretty like I, you know, I showered the day before also.
And when I lather my hair with shampoo and conditioner, there is a lot of lather. And that drips down my body, cascades over my voluptuous breasts, onto my navel, and then down to my Pikachu.
And my hot spots, which are, well, there's four. You know what they are.
Yes. As long as I get in there, I can take less than a three-minute shower.
And I often do.

I should wash my hair because that's like not washing my hair doesn't feel clean. You know what I mean? There's no point to a shower if you're not really washing your hair.

Then you're kind of like sweaty, gross all day. And so I get in, I wash my Pikachu,

I wash my asshole, and I wash my underarms, which has been hard lately because I can't

lift my right shoulder. So getting under this armpit, I can actually smell it right now.
It's not, and I never smell. You smell amazing and you look amazing.
I'm going to be honest. I do the same thing.
You don't wash your legs. I have no reason to wash my kneecaps.
I have no reason to like get the back of the calf. Like I don't.
Get back of the calf. I mean, I mean, honestly, like I'm getting the back of the calf.
What about shaving? Doesn't that count for something? That's true.

And that's like once a week.

But your legs are so skinny.

I mean, you shouldn't be washing them.

What are they collecting dirt?

I mean, it's so stupid.

But, you know, I guess I don't know.

I thought for a while, my God, maybe I really don't know how to shower. But then I'm like, things are going pretty great.

So fuck it.

Why am I going to rock the boat?

I think you should keep doing exactly what you're doing. This is your seventh book.
Yes. What the fuck? I mean, congratulations, but also like, how do you still have so much to say? I know.
I know. Because I have a real life.
That's why I have things to say. Because I keep it, you know, I keep it real.
And I have real experiences. And I have to because if you are a creative person in any way, and you to have a real life then you have nothing to talk about I do stand up and I write books and I need stories so I have to travel the world and remain like you know it's a nice life it's a great life why did you dedicate the book to flight attendants because they've been through hell you know that I, maybe you don't because you've been flying privately for so long.
First of all, I do not fly that way often. I did that for you.
Oh, I thought the way to lure you in, I was testing our friendship. And then I wanted you to be like, I'd take a bus for you.
I wouldn't take a bus for anyone. Let's be honest.
But I do. I think flight attendants are some of the most unappreciated service people that we have.
I think everyone in the service, what they went through through COVID made me. Horrible.
Made me irate. I wanted to, I did go off on people on planes.
I was, I'm part of the crew. When I get on a plane, I become part of the crew and I want to be one of them.
They know that I'm on their team. I'm not with the passengers.
I'm with the crew. What I do on a plane ride is usually pop a Xanax and go to bed.
I don't like to drink on planes. I find drinking alone sad and I definitely don't want to talk to anyone around me.
So I kind of like drinking on a plane. A lot of people do.
I just feel like it doesn't count. I'm getting a little fucked up.
I'm looking around, but I don't like to talk to anyone. Like if you're on a plane, are you talking to the person next to you? What do you think? What do you think? I hate those.
There are not large enough headphones out there to send the signal to people that I do not want to be approached. I don't.
You're doubling up on your headphones. I have headphones that are literally the size of a small car so that it's like you couldn't, I couldn't hear you if you had a megaphone.
But I do fly all the time and I fly commercially most of the time because I think that's the most responsible thing to do. I agree.
I mean, I don't want to be somebody who's, you know, that out of touch.

I do fly privately once in a while.

But I just, I think flight attendants really deserve our respect.

They are trapped in the sky with us.

And they have been treated with vitriol by idiots.

And so, yeah, I always, I'm always, I will always have a flight attendants back. That's also though how you know this is your seventh book though.
Like, cause I feel like, who'd you dedicate the first one to? Who knows? No, but don't you think it goes like family and then it goes friends and now you're like, fuck number seven, flight attendants. Next time it's going to be your mailman.
Mars the Trumps. I'm going to dedicate the next book to Ivanka.
to ivanka i mean yeah you're right that's actually a really good point i was like i'm out of dedications i already did this happy ones to my family next one goes to me um okay let's talk about traveling because you travel all the time yes what qualities do you need in a travel partner oh this is good i feel like you have very specific requirements because you like the vibes high so I have a cousin my cousin Molly um she's like my my person one of my people that runs my life okay and this year I was traveling to New Zealand and Australia and she's my favorite travel buddy we love to travel together but she's a type she's anal retentive she's a type a okay and I'm a type z I am a type a from about 8 to 11 in the morning once i get my shit done and it takes me about three hours to get my shit done and that's it okay and then i like to go off the rails you know what i mean love that for you so molly uh who has been you know she's she i've known her my whole life obviously she's my cousin and she's worked for me for many years on and off. Um, and I said, let's go to New Zealand and Australia.
I was touring. I said, let's go together.
And she's like, absolutely. She has a little three-year-old.
So she's like, I have to be as safe as possible. And I want to wear a face mask on the plane.
And I need you to wear one too, so that I don't get my daughter sick. And I'm like, we're going to be gone for three weeks.
Right. Fuck your daughter.
She's not going to be here. What are you talking about? COVID is over.
I'm an anti-masker now. You know what I mean? Like, now that it's over, I don't give a shit.
Like, stop it. I'm not wearing that for like a 14-hour flight.
I don't want to wear a 14-hour flight wearing a mask. And she's like, if you don't wear a mask, I'm not going to go with you.
And I was like, okay, fine. I'll wear a mask, psycho.
So we're on the plane. And I my, I have my face mask on and she's across from me, you know, in her little bed and we're like looking at each other.
I get an orange juice and I love orange juice. And I get an orange juice and I forget my mask is on and I take a sip with it and all the orange juice falls all over my shirt.
And I'm wearing a white t-shirt. I have no extra clothes.
Everything has been checked. I didn't think I was going to spill like a fucking baby.
So, and I'm like, oh, God damn it, you know? So I get up and I go to the bathroom to start cleaning my shirt. And then I, you know, I'm like, oh, let me go to the bathroom.
So I sit down on the toilet and I pull my face mask down, somehow confusing that with my underwear and end up urinating into my underwear. And I'm like, are there drugs involved? No, nothing has happened yet.
Nothing has happened. This is like an hour into the flight.
I haven't even taken my Xanax. And that's what those flights are for.
It's like I love getting on a plane ride that long in that little cubby hole, taking my Xanax, going to bed. Like, Oh my, it's like a little apartment you have, you know what I mean? And they take such good care of you.
They treat you like a baby. I love that.
So I, so now I'm soaked in orange juice and urine. Okay.
And the flight, we have 14 hours left. So I come out of that fucking bathroom.
I'm raging. I'm like, you are a fucking nightmare that you made me wear this face mask.
And now I'm soaked in my own urine and orange juice. So we land.
Okay. Somehow we land.
We get to New Zealand. And you know, they're very strict in New Zealand and Australia.
They're very strict about customs, what you're bringing in. There's a whole list of things to check off.
I've never been. Did you bring, you know, did you bring fruit? Did you bring vegetables? Do you have a gun? Did you bring, you know, whatever that you're not supposed to bring into their country? Do you have a dog or whatever? And my cousin, there's one says, do you, did you bring it? Do you have any meats? And my cousin goes to check off meats.
And I go, what are you doing? What are you doing? And she's like, I have a beef turkey in my backpack. Oh, my fucking God.
Beef turkey. I looked at her.
I go, what? Throw that. Rip that up and throw that.
I have edibles, mushrooms, and a sheet of fucking acid on me. And you're declaring a chomps beef stick? Are you fucking kidding me right now? Get the fuck away from me.
What the fuck? I'm covered in orange juice, urine, and have so many drugs on me. And you're sitting here talking about beef jerky.
I would have tackled her to the fucking ground. I didn't talk to her for three days.
We went to a winery when we landed. We went to a winery and we didn't speak.
We sat across from each other. We sat like six seats away because we're looking out into this beautiful valley.
New Zealand is gorgeous. They have all these beautiful wineries.
We're at this winery. We weren't even speaking.
I was like, I hope you're having a good time on this trip that I invited you on free. I hope you're having a good time.
Somebody who wants to declare beef jerky is not my friend. I love, though, that you like I would be interested to see what the Internet would say is like, but was the orange juice your fault? It could have been my fault, Alex, but that's not the point.
You know what I mean? That wasn't the punchline. This is the blame game.
You know, I'm going to blame her and I will continue to blame her for declaring beef jerky. First of all, even if I didn't have acid, mushrooms, and ecstasy, or sorry, edibles, mushrooms, and acid, that's what I brought on that trip.
Even if I had those non-threatening items that people want to get upset about, you know what I mean? No one, even if I didn't have that, I don't have time for someone who's going to declare a beef jerky stick. I agree with you.
What are you going to do? Infect a farm animal with that? Like it's wrapped up. What does this sheet of acid look like? Oh, it's beautiful.
It's got this like big Buddha on it. And Whistler, I have a ski house in Whistler that I spend my winters in.
And they have the best drugs. In Canada, most things are legal.
It's all microdose. It's nothing too crazy.

It's not like I'm tripping my balls off.

But I like a little mood lifter.

So it's a big Buddha lady.

And it's one big sheet.

And it's got like 376 hits on it.

And it lasts me throughout the year.

And I drug people wherever I go.

I hit people.

I'm like, you have to take this.

It's such a mood lifter and an enhancer. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you think I should try it? I mean, I don't know that you need anything else. You don't think? I feel like you're pretty amped up.
Yeah. But what I do, like we went whale watching in Australia.
And so I took it like for that, like, oh, we're going to go see whales. I want to communicate with the animals.
And so- Are you making noises? No, no, no. I just know where, like, I could tell where the pods of whales were before they could even pop up out of the water.
And my cousin, I was like, the guy on the boat would say, everybody go to the right. There was like 150 people on the boat.
And he'd be like, okay, there's a pod of whales to the right. And they take you out of Sydney Harbor and you go out into these huge swells.
Everyone's throwing up. Not me because I'm fucking seaworthy, you know.
And everyone's throwing up. And then he's like, okay, there's a pot of whales at 45 degrees.
And everyone on the boat runs to the one side of the boat. And I'd be like, there's also a pot of whales coming up over here.
And finally, my cousin Molly came up to me and she's like, why are you staying in the same spot i'm like because i am in communication with the whales molly because i took lsd this morning and she goes it's kind of amazing that you've been right about where the whales are each time and i was like it would be kind of amazing if you would take an lsd too instead of your beef fucking chopstick i'm sorry but the thought of being on a fucking boat on lsd i've never done lsd but like it sounds fucking horrible chelsea it sounds like a fucking nightmare only you are like everyone else is throwing up and they're sober it's not woo it's like oh this is beautiful look at me look at me talking to this whale like, ah, this is beautiful.

Look at me.

Look at me talking to this whale.

Like, wow, I'm on a different vibration.

Like, everything's a little sparklier, a little bit more glittery.

Like, you have patience for people that you normally wouldn't.

True.

And I could see you on a boat with all those people whale watching.

Like, you'd want to fucking kill yourself. Well, and they're vomiting.

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Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Airbnb. Okay, so I went on a trip with all of my girlfriends to Vermont where my best friend was getting married and we were all gonna figure out like, well, where do we wanna stay? And oh, this place is too far away and if you stay there, I won't really get ready with you.
And then we decided on an Airbnb and it was the best decision of the weekend because we got this house. All of us stayed there.
Matt came, my friends came, my friend brought her boyfriend and we all were able to feel like we were almost back in college where we were all in one space. We all got to make our coffee together.
We got to eat breakfast together. We got to go on walks together.
We got to have late night conversations after we went to the rehearsal dinner and the weddings. And it was just the best time because I feel like if you don't stay in an Airbnb, you're not going to be as close.
You're not going to have those late night conversations. And we as girls, you know how much goes in to those late night conversations.
We also had a pool table, which was so fun. The guys ended up playing while the girls were having wine in the living room in front of the fire, just talking about all the things about life and dating and relationships.
You know, a wedding makes you emotional. I told Matt in 2025, my goal is to stay in more Airbnbs wherever we go.
If we're exploring a new city, culture, learning a new language, traveling, wherever it be, Airbnb is where it's at. So you can really be fully, fully invested in your time and experience all the things that come with that environment.
Airbnb is the best way to make your trip one to remember because you get to explore not only the new city, but a new space in the city. Staying like a local helps you feel immersed wherever you are, as opposed to feeling like a tourist.
You can grab groceries at a local market, explore the neighborhood bars and restaurants, Daddy Gang. And if you want to go somewhere, but you don't really know where, guest favorites might inspire you and may create a new tradition for you.
So Daddy Gang, as you book your 2025 travel, my number one tip is to check out Airbnb first to find the perfect place to stay because your accommodation can really make or break the trip. Whatever your travel priorities are, they can be taken care of with an Airbnb.
Want a big kitchen, a gym, somewhere you can bring your dog. It's my favorite way to travel,

hands down. There are so many reasons I love Airbnb.
Stay tuned to hear more about my upcoming trips this year. Okay, I'm going to ask you situations and you're going to tell me what drug you would want to do in the situation.
Great. Girls trip in Ibiza.
Molly. Waiting in line at the DMV.
Oh, God. I a first date uh just alcohol okay your sister's wedding Molly watching the notebook acid what I need a lifter for that like that's okay okay a karaoke bar oh god I would need I would need something Mix a little.
Something I probably haven't even tried yet because I can't sing, and so I don't want to be seen singing. You can't? No, no, no.
I can't sing and I can't dance. What if we just hit a tune right now? I can't.
I can't sing. Defying gravity.
Defying gravity. Yeah, let's move on.
Okay. Grocery shopping.
Don't do it. You don't go ever.
I try not to. Okay.
Nieces high school graduation. Oh, that would be drugs for sure.
Oh, my, yeah, my nephew's bar mitzvah. I was handing everybody edibles at that event.
Oh, that's. At my cousin's wedding, I handed even my cousin's mother, who I think is my cousin, I gave her a little hit of LSD.
She didn't know what it was, but I said, just take this. Your night's going to enhance.
And she took it, and she had a great time. The good thing about getting drugs from you is, one, I know you've already tried them.
Two, you're rich, so I feel like you are sourcing the best shit, and I feel like I be safe with you like I wouldn't feel like oh god I'm gonna have a bad trip because this is laced with something like I feel like you're really you know what you're doing yeah I know what I'm doing yeah I have I was once I mean this is a little segue but I'll take it okay um I was in Mallorca and um I was there was this I take acid to Mallorca and I dose everyone all All my friends come. They have mind numbing, bending experiences.
We all have a great time. Is it legal in Mallorca? Is acid legal anywhere? I think it is legal.
Things are legal in Spain that aren't legal everywhere, but who knows? Anyway, no one's really looking for acid. You know what I mean? They're not going to see that sheet of that Buddha woman and go, was that acid? They're going to be like, oh, she's a really good artist.
And I saw this elderly couple walking down the street and they just looked so in love. Like they were in their 80s and they were holding hands.
And I was on LSD. My whole group of friends was on LSD.
And I said, look how beautiful that is. Like they're still into each other.
This man loves her. He was holding her one hand with both of his hands.
And I stopped them. And I was like,

you guys are so cute. Like, what's the story? They're like, this is our 50th wedding anniversary.
And I have a house in Mallorca. So I wasn't far from my house.
And I said, oh my god, your 50th wedding anniversary. I was like, that's incredible.
What are you guys going to do? And they're like, we're just walking around the port. And I said, this is I have two kayaks that are in front of my house on the beach.
I said, these are my kayaks. I said, please take them and go out for like a midnight stroll.
It's so beautiful under the sky in Mallorca, the stars and the moonlight. I said, please take these kayaks.
And I also have some LSD. And so I got their medical background, neither of them had a heart condition or any sort of thing to be alarmed about.
And I said, I have these little tabs.

I go, don't be scared. They're microdose.
They were only enhanced. If you are happy now,

you can't imagine the level of happiness you are going to achieve if you take these. And the man was like, oh, we're good.
We're good. We're in love.
I go, no, no, Please trust me. You know, please.
Please. She's like eager.
And the woman goes, I'd like to try some. And I said, so I gave her a hit.
I gave him a hit. They decided to take one kayak.
They went out to the port. I forgot about them.
I was with my friends. I was at some bar, restaurant.
I went to bed. We all went to bed.
I woke up in the next morning. I was out on my terrace.
It was like 7 a.m. I'm working out and I see the kayak pull up.
Shut the fuck up. And I'm like, who? Oh, my God.
That's that couple that I gave my kayak to. I go, have they been out all night? And I live in this port.
And so you can kayak out into the Mediterranean, but there's all these little coves. And they came up the beach and and they're walking towards me, and I'm waving to them.
I'm like, hey, guys, and they come up to the stairs to my house, and I open my gate, and they come in, and they go, we spent the whole night in an alcove, like one of those caves. We kayaked into a cave, and we spent our 50th wedding anniversary up all night talking about all of our favorite memories.
You gave us the best gift we could have ever been given. And I was like, I had tears in my eyes, you know, like, like, I'm like, I'm a healer.
I am healing people. And, and then the woman looked at me and she goes, do you have any more? And I, and I did.
And I gave it to her, of course, you know, because I share. Chelsea, you are like a shaman.
Shaman. Yeah, you're like a drug doula or whatever the fuck.
I want people to experience the great... Listen, drugs are not for everyone.
I respect that, and I understand that it can be a problem for many people, but they're for me. I want to come to Mallorca.
Yeah. I'm inviting myself.
I heard that. I feel like you have a big enough house I could kind of like.
You could come to Mallorca. Yeah.
I'll give you the house for a week. No, no, no.
I want to be there with you. I know.
I know you do. You're like, yeah, here's the keys.
We'll set a date. I'm not there.
But this, Alice, like, listen, I'm not, people aren't like hallucinating. It's a mood lifter and a life enhancer.
And I really believe it is medicinal. And I am pro that.
Do you do anything when you're skiing? Yeah, all the time. Oh, edible smoke pot.
Is it true that you fucked your ski instructor? Uh, yeah, several. What? How does that come about? Well, how doesn't it come about? You tell me how you keep your hands off of someone who's staying in charge of your body on a mountain that can ski better than you that's hot.
How are you not have sex with that person? You tell me, Alex. Well, to be fair, I feel like skiing can be like a little bit of a catfish situation because you're like, what's going on under there? Have you ever been like...
Oh, oh, oh, right. That's a good point, actually.
Right? They looked a little sexy and then they're a little not because they take off the gator and they take off everything and you're like that's not what i thought you were that's what that that once happened to me scuba diving i had a dive instructor we were in uh french polynesia oh and we were diving and we were on this boat and we had two dive masters and we were diving with like black tip reef sharks and white tip reef sharks. And they were pretty big.
And I wasn't really good at scuba diving at that point. I had just gotten certified and I was really nervous.
And I kept like, you know, you're under so far, you're so far underwater that it's, it's scary that you can't just go back up. Yes.
And I saw this, my cousin Molly, again, this fucking one. Jesus.
She pulls the bottom of my ankle and I look down and there's a huge, like eight foot black tip reef shark underneath. And I panic and I'm like having, I'm shaking and my goggles, I can't clear my goggles.
I didn't, I kept getting water in them. So I couldn't really see.
So you couldn't see anything. And I, and so I start panicking and I start going, trying to swim to the surface.
And then the dive master came down, put my goggles right on my face, cleared my mask, and then looked at me and like held my hands. And he's like, and he's like motioning to breathe in and breathe out.
And I'm looking at him and I'm like, and he's holding my hands. And then he's like, he's like, do you want to go up? And I was like, I want to, you know, I want to stay with you.
And, and I was like, I, and then for the rest of the dive, he and I held hands and we, we swam around all the sharks while he guided me because he was now in charge of me. And this is a very big turn on to me.
And a lot of women, I think, who have been neglected in their childhood by their fathers. And all my friends.
So we had two dive masters. There were 10 of us.
I had one and the rest of them, the nine of them had one. And so I had commandeered this guy.
And so we're holding hands, diving. And I'm like, I'm going to have to fuck this guy.
When we get to the surface, I'm going to fuck this guy. I am so turned on.
He saved my life and I am attracted to him. Right.
And then when we got to the top of the surface, we got in the boat, he took his mask off and I was like, get the fuck away from me. Don't even look at me again.
Giving like ogre. Just not attractive.
Not your vibe. My vibe at all.
And he was like, really looking after me. And I had to be like, it's over now that we're on the surface of the water.
That was one relationship was underwater. And now there's a different relationship.
That's pretty good. But you were able to cut it off.
Yeah. I mean, he wasn't.
You didn't pity fuck him. No, no, no.
No, no, no. Are you often pity fucking people? That's a great question.
Yeah. I have to say, you know, you do ask great questions, Alex.
And I don't say that like, wow. But I mean, obviously it's, you've had a very successful career that is going to continue to be successful.
But when I was listening to your last interview, I think Amy said that to you. And I was like, yes, you really are a good interviewer.
These questions are good questions. These questions inspire me to want to ask better questions on my own podcast, but I'm too lazy to do that kind of research.
But I also have to just say, I appreciate that the thing that got you to be like, damn, like you're so good as me asking if you pity fuck people often. You're like, Alex, you are the next big thing.
But okay, let's talk about pity fucks because I've pity fucked. Yeah, I'm sure I've pity fucked.
I mean, I wouldn't say I've done that recently, but I'm trying to think back to a time where, yeah, where you have a guy in your hotel room and you're like, oh, God, how am I going to get out of this? Yeah. And then you're just like, maybe it's easier just to fuck him.
Because it can be quick. The fucking? Yeah.
Well, hopefully in that case. But no no if i'm grossed out i will you're out i'm bouncing what is the best one night stand you've ever had so many i mean i had so many fun one night stands in my 20s and 30s oh it's the best one that's really hard it's okay i once had sex with this guy what was his name I like to be able to call people out with their first and last names which is going to be hard for this because I don't even remember his first name but I once had sex I don't know if this was the best yeah but it was sexy oh um and it wasn't a one-night stand it went on for like a week but it was like a one-night thing.
I was in the, at the London Olympics in 2012, I believe. And I was staying with my, a couple of gay friends of mine had a house and I was walking home late one night or I was being driven home and I was walking down the street to their house.
And this really sexy British guy, just, we just locked eyes and it was like sex. You know what I mean? Yeah.
And I And I was like, it's something you would see in a movie. And I was like, I'm in London.
This was an impromptu trip. I'm like, what if I just had an affair with this guy? And I walked past him and I stopped and I turned around and he had stopped.
And it was late at night. Like this was dangerous.
You know, it could have been. And it was late at night.
And he said, would you like to come back to my place? And that was the first thing he said. The eye look that we had was so intense that I was like, yes.
And we went back to his house. I mean, we barely spoke.
I went over there every night after the Olympics for a week, had a full on affair with this guy. I don't even know if I know his last name or his first, clearly his first.
And we had this incredible, it was just like, like just chemistry, but not a lot of like getting to know each other. It was just purely sexual.
And then I'd be like, okay, I'm going to the Olympics tomorrow. Like, and he's like, are you going to come back tomorrow night? I'm like, yes, definitely.
And then I'd get home at like 10. I'd be like, I'm coming over.
And he'd be like, great. And we have a couple of drinks and then we'd have crazy sex.
And then I'd go back to the friends and the friends whose house I was staying at, I never even told them what was going on. I don't know why, because I don't, I was just felt so steamy and like sexy.
And I wanted to keep it to myself. You know what I mean? I think that's how people feel with an actual affair, sadly.
But you weren't cheating on your husband. You were just having a fling.
No, but I would cheat on my husband. You know what I mean? Like I definitely would.
That's why I'm not married. Can I ask, you've talked about how sex has gotten better as you've gotten older.
What has gotten better? Sex, I mean, this isn't kind of a boring thing to say, but you're just more into your body and being pleased and asking for what you want. And you don't care about your cellulite.
You don't care about the way that you look or if they see you in overhead lighting. I don't care what I look like on top of you or underneath you.
I'm hot. I know I know it.
So like you're lucky to be fucking me. And that's what makes it sexy.
Every woman needs to clip that from themselves when they're about to go out on a date night. We'll make that a TikTok because it is very inspiring when you just said that.
Like it seems simple, but then I get it. When I think back to when I was having sex in college, I was like thinking of everything, but actually enjoying myself.
So absolutely. And I hate that.
I hate that women feel that way. And we talk about it all the time.
I know you talk about it on this all the time. Women don't ask for what they want.
They're, they don't even orgasm. You don't even orgasm half the time because you're just worried about pleasing men or, or not being confident about asking for what you want.
So, I mean, that's totally true. As you get older, you're just like, this is what I want.
Can you provide it? You know, these are the rules and this is what's going to happen. Let's talk about your love life.
Okay. Are you seeing anybody right now? Yes.
Tell me everything. Spill the tea.
I've been down that road before with having a public relationship my last relationship no it's not that it's it's more out of respect for their privacy

you know what i mean like yeah i don't want him to have to be exposed to my world no we don't need

to know anything about him but tell me about you like when did you meet him like how are you feeling

um i met him a long time ago but we didn't we didn't really become um like like tell me about you. Like, when did you meet him? Like, how are you feeling? I met him a long time ago, but we didn't really become like lovers until like about six or seven months ago.
How does that happen? Because I feel like so many people know people that they would like to have sex with, but then if you didn't do it immediately, it's like, how did you bridge the gap? Did you initiate? Did he initiate? I invited him to Mallorca on a trip with a group of friends. Everyone's getting invited but me.
Yeah, I know. Almost.
Now that we're talking about it, it's almost like everyone has been except for you. I invited him on.
I've known him for years. I've always been attracted to him, but he was not available.
And I always have wanted someone like him in my life. He's hot.
He's awesome. He's sweet and so caring and completely sees me and understands that I am not available a lot.
You know what I mean? My life is pretty crazy and he appreciates that. And he's around when I want him to be.
And he's great. I mean, listen, I go through periods where I have multiple lovers, and that's kind of like what I wanted to do when I was a little girl.
I wanted to grow up and be a woman that did have multiple lovers. I've never been interested in marriage.
I'm not interested in long-term commitments to work, to people, to anything. I am a free spirit and I want to remain and soar like an eagle.
The Vicodin just hit. She's like, I'm in the sky.
I want to soar like an eagle with my heart and legs wide open. No, I've had, I love men.
Listen, I love men. You know what I mean? And I want to have adventures with lots of them.
And, and I try to make sure everybody knows that's where I'm coming from when I'm in a relationship or any sort of, you know what I mean? I'm very upfront. I'm not a liar.
You're direct. I'm just like, listen, this is the deal.
Do you want in? Okay. Let's pretend you're not dating someone.
Okay dating someone okay and i'm gonna describe a man for you and you're gonna let me know if you would date him okay yeah take a little sip okay mix the alcohol with the vicodin let's see if it gets weirder okay no i hope my doctors are listening to this is it gonna be a problem that you're getting surgery tomorrow and you're drinking no they told me not to eat today that i have to be on a liquid diet but do you think they liquid by like i don't think they think they meant that but they know what listen my doctors understand who they're dealing with half the time i'm correcting them okay he's rich and successful but only flies economy to save money and not like first class like back in the plan okay am i interested in him yeah i mean'm not interested in flying with him, but I'm interested in him, yes. I like that.
I do too. But I'm not flying economy with him.
Totally. Love that.
He's built like Jason Momoa, but he's scared of your dogs. Not, not, no, no.
I don't like men that are scared of dogs. I agree.
It's one of the bigger red flags. Why? What happened to you? Were you attacked by a wolf? Like, if you are scared of dogs, something is wrong with you.
And I don't appreciate that at all. And your dogs are adorable.
Unless you were attacked by a dog. Yes.
And you're a woman. Period.
He's been healed through therapy, but he refuses to go down on you. No, no.
I love when guys go down on me. Is it like a hard thing for you if they're horrible? Do you teach or you just get rid of them? Going down on you? Yeah, just like, ah.
I mean, that going down on you could work because that's pretty much they're going to hit the target at some point. but you can pretty much in a position where a man is going down on you could work because like that's pretty much they're going to hit the target at some point.
But you can pretty much, I mean, in a position where a man is going down on you, you have most likely your hands on their head directing them exactly where to go. But if someone kisses me in a sloppy, gross way, that is unrecoverable.
I agree. A bad kiss makeout is, it's kind of unforgivable.
Yeah. You can't kind of come back from that.
I agree. Okay, he makes you laugh harder than anyone, but he hates that you're funnier than him.
I don't mind that. You don't? No.
A little competition. I don't care if somebody hates that I'm, that's not my problem.
That's their problem. Okay, he's your best friend.
Again, great line of questioning, Alex. Thank you.
These are great questions. Thank you.
it's really sparking a debate um he's your best friend again great line of questioning alice thank you great questions thank you it's really sparking a debate um he's your best friend but his best friend is his mom he's my best friend i don't want him to be my best friend first of all so that's already a cancel i don't need i don't need a guy my lover to be my best friend that's stupid i love how that wasn't like the problem

that wasn't even the question but i'll just cut you off okay have you ever a mama's boy no that's not my thing really no i mean you have to respect your mother but not a mama's boy i find that to be yeah like the same way like a daddy's girl like come on we're all adults here grow up you've never been a daddy's girl I mean maybe I was a dad no not really my dad didn't wasn't that impressed with me and I wasn't that impressed with him quite frankly I thought you were just gonna say my dad wasn't that impressive I was gonna say my dad wasn't that attractive I never wanted to fuck my dad wasn't that attractive that attracted to my father. We're not interested in fucking our dads over here.
That's a fabulous answer. Thank you.
Okay, he's tall, dark, and handsome, but his whole Instagram is selfies. No, no, no.
Oh. I mean, I've definitely met guys on Raya where that is the case, and then I've definitely had sex with guys like that.
I don't know about dating guys like that. I mean, selfies, not really.
Yeah, like imagine you walk into your bathroom and he's like shirtless taking a picture. No, no, no, no.
No, you're right. Selfies, no, actually, when I think about it.
You being on Raya at a point in your life, have you ever fucked a DJ? DJ Diplo? Is that who you're talking about? Not specifically Diplo, but if you fucked Diplo. No, because I didn't fuck him.
Okay, good. I wanted to.
I wanted to. I did a segment with him once on my Netflix show and I was like, he's hot.
And then, you know, he's not that hot to me anymore, but, um, a DJ. No, I've never fucked a DJ.
Not that I'm aware of. That is very good to clarify.
I feel like I could see you fuck a DJ. Me too.
I could see that. Yeah.
Like you're on LSD. You're bumping.
Yeah, but I don't, yeah. I'm not really good at dancing either.
So dancing and singing are the two things. That's what I really appreciate about Wicked is that they could dance and sing.
I'm always amazed by people who can do that. Like Zoe Zeldana and amelia perez i didn't know she could dance and sing i was having this debate with someone the other day though would you rather be really good at singing or be funny i would rather be funny yeah yeah not that that's yeah you know they're not great i'm just saying like i'm basically trying to hype you up in the process it's okay that you're basically so fucking awful at these things you're're funny.
So take it or leave it. Yeah, you can't have it all.
And this one lasts kind of forever. Anyways, now that we're comparing.
Okay, you've been on your healthy therapy journey, I feel like. But before that, what was your most toxic trait in a relationship? Like, give me tangible.
I know you're a fucking eagle with your leg spread. But what were you really toxic with? I think certain people bring out toxicity.
You know what I mean? Like certain dynamics are toxic. So like you don't belong with certain people because they bring out the worst in you.
You bring out the worst in them. Give me an example.
I had an ex-boyfriend. We dated for a couple of years and we had a very toxic, very like I would look through his phone.
He cheated on me. He would be out all hours.
I'd be paranoid about it. I, it was, it was the worst version of me that I've ever experienced.
I remember I was, I was filming, I was shooting Chelsea lately at the time I was working on that show and I, I would be so consumed about when he was going to call and, and how late he was out at night. Cause he lived in New York and and I lived in LA.
And we had this great chemistry. So we had so much fun together.
But it was toxic and there was gamesmanship and he didn't want to be controlled and I was trying to control him. That's the worst.
None of that works ever. You can't ever try to control anyone.
And if anyone's going to cheat, they're going to. They're not going to not because you're calling them.
Are you talking about 50 Cent? No, no, no. He was beautiful.
He was a sweetheart. He was so sweet.
Yeah. I bring it up every time I talk to you.
A lot of people bring that up. People seem to really like that story.
I wonder why. Why do you think that is? I just think you're both such huge personalities and picturing you together.
I, I'm trying to picture a conversation between you two and I don't. Like I read his Instagram captions, for example.
Well, yeah, I hear what you're saying. He was a sweetheart.
Like my, all my friends dated him just fucking loved it because he'd come over to our house every night and he'd have like a Lamborghini one day and then like a yellow Ferrari the next day. Meanwhile, I realized he was borrowing all these cars from different dealerships.
I was like, you can do that? You know, I'm like, oh. And then I got a Bentley.
I got a chocolate Bentley because he kept coming over every night and he'd have different car so as a joke I went and bought a chocolate Bentley I didn't know you could borrow cars and as a celebrity so I went and bought a chocolate Bentley and then we broke up so there I am stuck with this chocolate Bentley like a fucking white dumb bitch asshole driving around like I'm some rapper and I had that Bentley which was a really nice car by the way that Bentley for like two years. Okay.
What's the most unhinged thing you've ever done during a breakup? I bought an ex-boyfriend, the toxic one, actually. He has a house in upstate New York and like an estate.
And I knew I had to break up with him at some point, but I wanted him to really feel it, you know? And I bought- Go out with a bang. I bought, he had this huge drive that led up to his estate.
Okay. And it is an estate.
I use that word because that's what it is. It's a huge farm.
It's gorgeous. It's on the Hudson River.
And I bought him 35 linden trees that I'm pretty sure I imported from Germany at the time. Very extravagant.
How expensive is that? Who knows? And I had like 17 put lined on either side of the driveway so that they would grow and form a canopy so that when you drove in, you drive into his house under this alley of trees. And I knew that every winter, I mean that every spring and every fall, the leaves would

change and bloom and, and it would be beautiful. And that everyone who saw them would be like, where, where did you get these trees? And every winter, I mean, sorry, every fall and every spring, I get a text from him.

Shut the fuck up.

Going, I can't believe I lost you.

Look at your trees do you want to come see them and I'm always like not interested that was just a message to you you're good that was a good breakup yeah the fact that that's a break and how did you tell him you were giving this to him well I gave it to him as like a birthday present but I leaving. And then you said goodbye.
Yeah. And then the trees got planted after I was gone, you know.
And so that was like, that felt great. I mean, the fact that that will stick with him forever and you have nothing to remind you of him, that's beautiful.
Yeah. That was like your last big toxic hit and then you're out.
Yeah. And then, and then I haven't had a toxic relationship since then.
Proud of you. So that was kind of like, I went out with a bang and nature.
So gorgeous. You know what would be good for you to have your dogs during your interviews? So I've thought about that, but I couldn't tell like.
Because I think it helps people. I think anyone who's coming on this show understands that they're going to dish, right? They know what's up.
Yeah. You're going to tell me the big thing soon, right? You're getting up to the big.
Yes, I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant.
And I've already gotten an abortion during this interview, all within this time. But they know they're coming here.
So I don't know that you need the dogs, but I like it. I like the idea of people softening and because dogs make people feel happy.
Let's talk about our dogs. What is the most elaborate thing you've ever done for your dogs? Well, I once flew one of my dogs privately alone.
What? To meet me in Whistler, Canada, because I thought there was a quarantine when I first started going there and I didn't know I could bring my dog. So I flew myself there first.
And then when I found out you don't have to quarantine your dogs, I sent for Chunk and he got on a plane with two pilots and a manifest that said Chunk Handler. So that was one extravagant thing.
That is fucking, imagine being those pilots. That's exactly right.
The other thing I've done is I'm in Maine, it's COVID. And I'm trying to fuck Andrew Cuomo at the time because I had a hot, hot thing for Andrew Cuomo.
He was hot at the time. Yeah, he was hot.
And anyway, I rented this house in Maine. And then Andrew Cuomo blew me off.
This is in the book, by the way. And this is the book and in my standup special, which is coming out after the book.
But once I realized it wasn't happening with Andrew Cuomo, we had a long flirtation or a short one, but I was led to believe I'd be penetrated by him at some point. And when that didn't happen, I was with my brothers and sisters and a bunch of friends at this house that I'd rented in Maine.
And I was like, God, I didn't bring Bert and Bernice. I've just been rejected by a man.
It's COVID. I'm single.
A lot of people during COVID who were single feared that maybe they would never get penetrated again. Maybe that was it.
What if I never am allowed to have sex again? So it was a rejection, a dejection. It was deep.
and I was like, I came downstairs and I said to my sister, Simone, like, I need Bert and Bernice here. I'm pissed that they're not here.
I don't know what I was thinking. We're here for a month.
Like, I need some comfort. And I'm not flying my dogs privately.
That's ridiculous. Like, I did that once and I was shamed for it.
And I don't want to be that egregious. So she said, let me figure it out.
And she came downstairs and said she had found a service. There was a couple that could drive my dogs from California to Maine, and then they could be there in 48 hours.
It was a Monday at 7pm. And I was like, 48 hours.
I was like, is that even possible? But you know, when things go my way, I don't ask a lot of questions. I like great so Wednesday at like 7 30 this couple pulls up in this like trailer hitch situation like a van attached to something else I don't know the vernacular for those types of things because you know um and my dogs kind of scuttled out and my dogs aren't very affectionate they were both they're both dead both dead now, but they were, they're just both aloof.
They were a brother and sister combo platter and they were chow chows. And they're just kind of like slow sluggish and just seemingly off.
And I, I said to the couple that pulled out, I was so grateful, you know, to see my dogs. I was so, anyone who has an animal understands.
And I went inside to make them a thank you cocktail. I went inside to my, to the kitchen, my brother Roy was cooking, he's the chef in our family.
And he was cooking. And he was like, I, I said, he, I grabbed a bottle of Belvedere, grabbed some cocktail glasses.
And he goes, what are you doing? And I said, I'm making the couple that just delivered Bert and Bernice a thank you cocktail. And he said, don't make them more than one round, Chelsea.

Like very sternly, he's talking to me.

And I'm like, excuse me?

I go, what's your problem?

He goes, look at me.

And he lowered his glasses to the bottom of his nose, like in a very serious, like avuncular way.

And he goes, look at me.

Anybody who drove from California to Maine in 48 hours is on crystal meth. Dude, did you go back out there and like take a harder glance? No, I went back out there with the cocktails and I was like, I'm not judgy, you know, whatever it takes.
So I go, I don't know anything about crystal meth. I mean, I do a lot of drugs, but I'm not like, you know, I'm you know I'm not doing that Jewish we don't do that so I I hand them the cocktails and the guy's like thanks a lot well you know we can't be we can't stay for long we have to be in Florida by midnight that's that's also not a five-hour drive I'm like uh okay but the next couple of days the dogs were walking around like very aimlessly and bumping into like, and my dog

like stared at a paddleboard for almost like 20 minutes. And I'm sitting outside on this like front yard of this house that we rented on this beach.
It was so beautiful with my brother, Roy. And I go, what's wrong with Bert and Bernice? Like, and he goes, what's wrong with them? Chelsea, You just sent your dogs on a high-speed methamphetamine car chase across the country because a governor wouldn't fuck you during a global pandemic.
What the fuck? He's like, they're detoxing. They're coming down.
Yeah. They're coming down off the drone.
Yeah, they were coming down. So that was, and then the next day, like the Bushes were there.
The Bushes were in Kennebunkport. The next day, Barbara Bush, George W.
Bush, you know, one of the twins, Barbara and Jenna. She's like, she texts me.
She's like, sissy. We call each other sissy.
She's like, sissy, I hear you're in Biddeford Pool, which is where we were staying. And I was like, yeah.
And she's like, we're coming by. She comes by, unbeknownst to me, brings the first lady with her.
There's like three secret service people and they're sitting on my porch. We're all talking.
I'm trying not to be seen with that many Republicans. You know what I mean? I'm like, fuck, is there a drone around? Like I can't be seen with a former first lady.
And then Bert, Barbara Bush loved my dog Bert. She loved him.
She understood his body type the way I did, like just a bundle of meat, you know? And he was, and she was like, why is Bert acting? I'm like, he's sick. He's sick.
Cause I know, you know, like I'm not going to bring up crystal meth to the fucking first lady. And my brother Roy's out there and I knew he was about to fucking say something.
I'm like, you shut up. Do not tell you how Republican first ladies act about drugs.
You know, there's a war on them and I don't want them to think me and my loose lifestyle that i'm drugging my dogs so um it was pretty ridiculous they recovered i think you think wait into now do you have new dogs i have a new dog doug doug yeah he's black and beautiful he's a full chow oh yeah and a rescue a full chow rescue what yeah yeah are you lying no no no no i think our dogs need to meet i would never lie about anything i mean why would i i don't know i have nothing to hide you don't lie ever you think i've after everything that i've divulged today i'm gonna lie about my dog being a rescue i mean honestly alex cooper just god forbid you want to like get more street cred no no, no, no. You don't give a shit.
I bought a dog once. I returned him though.
Oh, fuck. Yeah.
That's worse to admit. He was a loser.
He was a loser, that dog. Why? Because he's such a fucking lunatic.
I don't like, I like lazy dogs. Yeah.
But this dog I have now, Doug, he's black. I wanted a dog of color.
Yeah. And beautiful and friendly and a, and a real dog.

Like I have had such zombies for dogs for so long because I don't really want to exercise

with them and do that stuff that I appreciate dogs that are a little bit on the lazy side.

I've never had a dog like Doug and he just brings so much joy to everyone he meets.

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Do you ever bring your dogs to dog parks? I don't. I try not to go to dog parks.
I've had some of the worst interactions with human beings at dog parks. What happened? I was looking for Doug.
Actually, they were bringing Doug to showcase me this chow rescue that I got my last dogs from. They knew I was down one dog and looking for a refill.
So they brought these two dogs to a dog park in Brentwood. I went to the wrong dog park and I opened, you know how they have those metal gates? And I walk in and I'm like looking around to see if the people with the dogs are anywhere.
And some guy screams at me going, shut the door now.

Or shut the gate.

Shut the gate.

And, you know, it's like they have two gates to get into the dog park.

One.

And I looked at him like I'm five feet away from the gate.

There are no dogs anywhere except for him and his two dogs, which he has on leashes.

And he's like 50 yards away screaming.

And I'm like, are you talking?

I'm like, sir, can you please relax? And he's charging towards me. And I'm like, sir, calm down.
He goes, it just takes two seconds for one of these dogs to get out on the street and get hit on Barrington. And then what? And I'm like, sir, something happened to you today and it has nothing to do with me.
So please stop talking to and I go and stop looking at me actually you're freaking me out and I'm looking at my phone trying to figure out if I'm at the wrong dog park because there's two kind of catty corner yeah yeah don't say catty corner but and I and so I'm looking down and then he goes all of you celebrities think you can just get away with murder and then I looked up on behalf of celebrities everywhere I offended. Do you know what I mean? And I looked up, I go, I'm sorry, sir.

That's really uncalled for. I said, there are no dogs here except for yours that are on leashes.
I'm close to the gate. No dog could run past me.
And he goes, you're a whore, Chelsea Handler. what the fuck you're a whore and i obviously started laughing because i was like what the fuck do you even say to that like we're literally talking about our dogs and you're just like taking it that aggressive it was and then i realized he was gay on top of it which was a double whoopsie doodle because i'm like first of all i think i've proven my allyship right fucking since i was before i was born and obviously And obviously no straight man is screaming like that at a dog park.
You know what I mean? No straight man is like, get out of here. That is, that's a pretty wild moment though, to have someone screaming your face like that.
But I feel like you handled that well. Well, there was another guy that was walking up luckily because then he heard him.
He goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, do you need any backup here? And I'm like, no, no, I just have a crazy gay I'm dealing with right now.
And then the guy, the gay guy got in his minivan and started taking pictures of me and I started smiling and waving. I was like, hi.
And then I was like, should we get one together? You know, like he was gonna report me or something. The dog parks are not for the week.
Like I went once and my dogs got some type of rash. Oh, oh.
So I don't know. I don't.
Yeah, I'm not into dog parks. Listen, I don't really I don't even walk my dog.
OK, like I let's be honest. Chelsea, I don't.
You cuddle with them. Yeah.
OK, what do you think of dogs with food names when people name their dogs like macaroni, noodles, chickpea? That's annoying. I like, my dog's name is Doug.
My dog's name is Henry and Bruce. Exactly.
Exactly. Like, treat them as such.
Yes. When you're like, when they call them a different animal, like, oh, skunk.
And you're like, why are you calling, you know what I mean? Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah'm saying yeah i guess i mean i find dog talking about like i find dog jargon very irritating people who are obsessed with their animals like i and listen i'm obsessed with my animal yeah i am showing pictures of him i'm totally guilty of it as well yeah so it's very hypocritical but i still don't like it and i don't like like the like i have a dog person in Whistler that takes my dog on like three hour hikes every day. And the way she talks about dogs, I just have to tune out.
You know what I mean? Like the first time I met a dog trainer in Whistler, this isn't who I have now, who I have now, Abby, who's very cool. But I had a woman who came and she said, okay, what are you looking today? The first session will be a discovery session..
And I'm like, okay, let me cancel this meeting. I'm not dealing with you.
And then she sent me links to YouTube videos to watch recall videos about how I was – I'm like, listen, bitch, I'm not training him. You are.
So you watch the video and then let me know what to do because we're not doing it together. It is crazy some people that are – I've had a person come to my house and say, like, we're going to discover their personality.
And I'm like, shut the fuck up. Seriously.
Take the 200 bucks and, like, teach him to do paw. She said – and by the way, I don't even want that.
Why do you want a paw? What for? Is that cute? I don't think that's cute. No, it's good for training.
Sit, paw, treat. Sit is fine.
I just want them to not attack anyone. That's all I want is for my dogs to behave and be friendly to little children when they come and pet them.
True. And not attack anyone.
And I don't need them to run and do tricks and lie down and spin. It's all so dumb.
It's a little circusy. Yeah.
Are you having sex in the room with your dogs? Oh, that's a great question. My dog comes on the bed and he's so agile.
He's big and furry and he looks like he weighs like, I mean, he does weigh like 65 pounds, but when he jumps up on the bed, you can never hear him. So all of a sudden we'll be having sex and we'll look up and Doug is just like this.
And I'm like, oh my God, Doug, I can't have him see his mother like giving a blow job. Do you know what I mean? I don't want him to like- I've had that where you're like, look, you're given a little blowy and you see from the side eye, you're like, I'm like, Bruce.
But the look on their face is like, they're like, what is happening here? Yeah, they're like inquisitive. They're like, huh? Yeah, yeah, like, am I a part of this or am I not a part? It's like, you're definitely not a part of this.

And I need you to actually get the fuck off the bed because this is weird.

I've had that also where I'm like getting eaten out and I like look over and he's just

staring like liking it a little too much.

And I really, or the worst is like I push them off the bed immediately.

I'm not going to kick them out of the room.

I think people that are like, they can't even be in the room.

I'm like, my dogs are, one dog is running to the corner.

The other one is like getting a little rambunctious and wanting to hump and it's freaking me out.

We cut his balls.

But the problem is he likes the smell.

Of sex?

Yes.

So of your Pikachu?

He likes the smell of that.

He's in, I think he's.

How do you know that?

Because after he's like smelling the sheets insane.

Oh. We got a freak on our hands oh wow yeah so that's what I'm dealing with I well maybe you should go to the doctor no it's good do you know that it's a good smell that he's smelling maybe something maybe you have an infection I know that my vagina smells fucking perfect shut the fuck up worry about yourself and your fucking crooked arm.
Bitch. Come for my vagina and I will cut you.
Because that's what's going to trend. My crooked arm.
My crooked arm. That's what people will say.
I have a smelly vagina. No, no, no, no.
But I don't want to get too defensive. So people are like, oh, my God, you hit a sore spot.
I think you already did. Oh, your press.
Oh, my God, my pill my pill okay your book comes out on your 50th birthday yeah I'm gonna be 50 how are you approaching your new decade I'm just fucking psyched yeah I'm psyched you're ready I'm happy I'm just happy my life is so fun I'm happy that I get to do what I love to do that I that I like my family for the most part there are a a couple, you know, but I, that I,

that I have this life that I've created. What happened with Jane Fonda? Jane Fonda, the book in, there's a story in the book where Jane Fonda calls me over to her house, summons me, quite frankly.
This is like, I don't know how, I have no sense of time. So maybe 15 years ago to her house and no it was 10 years ago it was 10 years ago because I was 40 and I'm about to turn 50 so she summoned me to her house she sent me an email and said I uh Chelsea I'd like to talk to you about something and it was a stern tone in the email and I was like she's like are you free for dinner and for dinner? And I'm like, sure, absolutely.
It's Jane Fonda. I'm always free for you.
And she's like, tonight, actually, it's 730. I'll see you at my house.
And I'm like, uh-oh. Like, what? Oh, fuck.
I was like, what is this about? And my best friend at the time, I was like, what do you think? She's like, I don't know. That's so weird.
I'm like, can you come with me? And she's like, I'm not invited. I'm like, I know.
So I got to her house and I had been to her party. I think it was her birthday party.
She had a party of some sort. And I had been to her party like months and months earlier.
And she goes, you were terrible at that party. She goes, I don't know what drugs you were on.
You insulted multiple people. You were a dark cloud hanging over the party.
The whole conversation is in the book. So I'm probably paraphrasing.

paraphrasing yeah but and i was mortified obviously and i she wasn't wrong i don't even you know i barely remember that party i was on drugs i'm sure who knows which ones and i

had and i had just started therapy. I had just began therapy.
Thank God, because, you know, one of the first things you learn in therapy is like, if you are defensive about anything, then you're wrong or lying. You know what I mean? Like, if you're right, you don't have to defend yourself.
Yeah. Like my vagina.
Yeah. Like your vagina.
Like you just did that with your vagina. And, um, and I was sitting there across from her and I was like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, I'm mortified.
This is so humiliating. And I was like, and I, I just said, I'm, I'm, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. I don't know what was wrong with me.
And you're

right. I was terrible that night, I'm sure because I don't really remember much of it.
It's kind of hazy. I mean, I remembered the party, but I didn't remember specifics.
And, and I, and in the midst of that humiliation and mortification, the more overarching sentiment was, wow, that's a sister. Yeah.
Like that's sisterhood. She's, I mean, I met her once and I interviewed her and I was like happy I got my words out.
Her like aura is so incredible and inspiring. And as women, I feel like I'm like, wow, I'm happy that I've gotten to like meet meet someone like that and now I'm happy that obviously we're friends and I've gotten to meet you love it do you have anything left to say give me the book throw me the fucking book don't you have it in your lap throw it I can't my shoulder I want to say happy birthday to yousea's book is coming out on her 50th birthday date

february 25th i knew that february 25th same as every year the book is coming out daddy gang if

you want to laugh if you want to cry and if you want to fall more in love with why is there

nothing in because it's a fake book you

idiot i mean that's actually what if that was the book what if you had held it up and be like i loved

this part and then you opened it up specifically this chapter where it said what the fuck no daddy

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