Chelsea Handler: Drugs, Dog Parks, & Dick Appointments

Speaker 1 Hi, Daddy Gang. It is your father.
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Speaker 1 What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding founding father, Alex Cooper.

Speaker 1 Call her daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy.

Speaker 1 No, she's already talking shit. Get in here!

Speaker 1 I can't hear where the crazy is coming from. This direction?

Speaker 1 Oh, my God, you guys. It's us.
We're back together again.

Speaker 1 You're so stupid. Dude, you have no idea how stupid you are.
No, you don't know. No, I do.
I do. Louis, sit down.
Are those pills? Those are Vicodin.

Speaker 1 I have a fever right now, just so you know.

Speaker 1 This is my Owls Brew Chelsea Handler's Vodka lemonade that's coming out with my book. I have three flavors, pink, yellow, and mint.
Non-sparkling, very healthy cocktail.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be drinking this while I'm here. Do you want to just do full promo and I'll just sit back and relax? Sure, that's why I'm here.
Wait, what is so? I was supposed to, I'm in agony.

Speaker 1 I have a shoulder infection. Okay.
And they wanted to have surgery today, and I have too much press, including you. I'm like, I can't blow off Alex.
I don't even know who I'm talking to.

Speaker 1 Who am I talking to right now? Look at me. There's so many people here.

Speaker 1 Okay, we're all just staring at you. But my assistant put this in my car this morning, and I was like, Are you, what do you want me to do with that? He goes, I don't know, take it around with you.

Speaker 1 I go, take it around with me? He's new to town, so he doesn't know how things work. I think it's

Speaker 1 really funny. Oh, I think it's amazing.
You put it right there. But I do have to take a Vicodin.
And I thought, what better place? Because do it right here. So I'm doing my surgery.

Speaker 1 I got an injection to help my shoulder a PRP injection whoever's listening don't ever fucking do that and now and I've had chills and sweats for the last like two weeks since the injection and my my arm was excruciating like my shoulder I couldn't lift it I can barely lift it now and I so I come back from Whistler and I go to the doctor and I was like something's off and they're like let's give you an MRI and they're like oh you have an infection and I was like okay and they're like do you feel like you're infected And I said, well, I've been having hot and cold flashes for the last two weeks, but I just assumed that was like perimenopause or something.

Speaker 1 So I got estrogen, progesterone, and now I found out it's a fucking infection. And I'm probably not even in perimenopause.
Wait, I probably am. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Wait, so you're taking a Vicodin right now? Absolutely. I've never had one.
What does it do?

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 1 You should have one, actually. Should I? Yeah.
To calm me down? Probably. Does it relax you? It feels good.
You know what I mean? It's like a nice buzz. Like, you'll see what happens to me.

Speaker 1 Like, halfway through this interview, it'll hit.

Speaker 1 I cut it in half because it hits you faster if you do that. Just FYI for pills.

Speaker 1 I seem crazy right now. No, no, no.
This is good. You look gorgeous.

Speaker 1 I know. Thank you.

Speaker 1 I loved your interview with Amy. Oh, that was fun.
Yeah, that was really fun. That was a good time.
And she brought her like feet with no fucking nail polish. And she didn't wear fuckers.

Speaker 1 She didn't wear socks with shit. She doesn't.

Speaker 1 She dresses worse than you do. You know what I mean? She just just does not give a shit.
I just was with her in New Orleans.

Speaker 1 Amy will walk down the street in pajamas and go out. She does not care.
She doesn't care.

Speaker 1 But I kind of love that.

Speaker 1 She did an episode with Oprah for something. And I'm pretty sure

Speaker 1 it was something like sweatpants and like a cardigan and to do like some interview with Oprah somewhere. And I just thought, wow.
Look at you, girl.

Speaker 1 Is that how you feel about what I wore when I interviewed the vice president?

Speaker 1 I wore a big fucking hoodie, and everyone was giving me so much shit for it. Like, how do, why did you dress up for that? Well, I think what your stick is, is good.
I should keep it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, keep it. Who cares who you're interviewing? She didn't win anyway, so obviously it didn't fucking matter.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Okay, we're

Speaker 1 loser.

Speaker 1 We're not smoking today. No, I don't think so.
We can't. We can't, but it will be there like in memory of what we've done in the past.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, you, I heard you on the Amy Schimmer one say that you don't do drugs anymore. That was very disappointing.
No, no, I don't do hard drugs. Okay.
I smoke weed.

Speaker 1 okay that's not a hard drug is it no weed is not a hard drug exactly so like i'd i still dabble with this okay edibles this but i'm not like snorting lying today but don't say you dabble with marijuana that sounds like you're 85 years old dabble with pot

Speaker 1 i do i'm not hitting it like i used to i used to have a bong in my apartment yeah now i'm kind of cut back well i don't i'm such a mess i don't know what i'm doing so you're drinking alcohol i'm drinking alcohol i am on a liquid diet today for my surgery tomorrow morning i'm not joking i'm getting surgery tomorrow morning.

Speaker 1 No, actually, I have an Owl's Brew photo shoot tomorrow. So I have to wait until that's done because everyone's flying out from New York.
And then I'm getting my surgery at around 1 p.m.

Speaker 1 My photo shoot starts at 5 a.m.

Speaker 1 I love being you.

Speaker 1 I love it. Chelsea Handler, welcome back to Caller Daddy.

Speaker 1 Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Uber Eats.

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Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Shopify.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 it's the shopping season, and I love to buy clothes, things, and treats, and gifts. And it's like, I get so giddy during this time.

Speaker 1 On one hand, yes, I'm a consumer, but I'm also a business owner, daddy gang, okay? And I have new merch on the block.

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Speaker 1 Head to shopify.com slash daddy to see how easy it is to start your business today. How many times have I been here? Three.
This is the third. I love it.
Do you know what's happening? Not really.

Speaker 1 Okay, I never know what's happening with you. I just know that there's always a lot happening.
Oh, no. So I'm moving and this is like the original studio.

Speaker 1 I don't know if you've ever seen it, but like we film in here all the time, but you're getting what I would consider like a nice moment because we're kind of like saying farewell to this space.

Speaker 1 Oh, good. I love that.
That's why you're in this chair.

Speaker 1 I love that. Is this a lawn chair? Yeah, this is like a lawn soccer mom chair.
Oh, right. Because you don't get the nice high-end chairs that we used to have in here.
Because you got rid of those?

Speaker 1 We got rid of those. And you couldn't even rent to for the day because of what? Didn't you just make $100 million?

Speaker 1 I don't understand what is going on here. I thought it would humble us.
This, yeah. Well, I don't want to be humbled.
Okay.

Speaker 1 January has humbled all of us. Okay, the month of January should be taken off the calendar.
As they say in Spanish, Enero Finito.

Speaker 1 Okay, we're going to play a game to kick this off. Oh, this is your new thing.
I heard you do this with Amy. Okay, sure.

Speaker 1 Just because, like, you know, unlike you and Amy, like, some people need to loosen up. You don't need to loosen up at all.
Although I'm excited to see how this bicodon hits. Yeah, yeah, me too.

Speaker 1 Like, what's going to happen? Maybe I'll take another one. Who knows?

Speaker 1 How fast does it hit? Like, I mean, it'll just

Speaker 1 make my pain subside. And your arm will just start.
Yeah, it'll start probably doing its thing. Yeah.
Okay. Restless arm syndrome.

Speaker 1 I'm asking you if you want to keep this trend in 2024 or if you want to bring it into this year. Look-alike contests.
I don't want to keep any trend, okay?

Speaker 1 You don't even have to finish these questions. No, you're on a podcast.
You have to participate. Look alike.
No, what is that again? Timothy Chalamet, Jeremy Allen White.

Speaker 1 They've been doing like low- yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't care about that.
No. Those two do look alike, though, by the way.
They're both little nuggets. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Would you ever attend a Chelsea Handler lookalike contest? I doubt that. Would you be insulted? No, I just don't care.

Speaker 1 How do you feel about clean girl aesthetic? Clean girl aesthetic. Every time I come here, I feel like I'm talking to somebody in kindergarten.
That's how fucking old.

Speaker 1 What is clean girl aesthetic? You kind of are giving clean girl aesthetic right now. Well, I'm fucking hot.
I'm a hot piece of ass. So if that's what that means, then great.

Speaker 1 Clean girl is like minimal makeup.

Speaker 1 I'm about that. Oh, yeah.
I love that. I love that.
But are you a pick-me girl? A pick-me. Nope.
Pick-me? Like, pick-me? No. Despie? No.

Speaker 1 So you know what pick-me is. I think it means, I think I can appeal to.
Yeah, desperado. Yeah, desperado.
Appeal to the male gays. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 I don't need to appeal to the desperate gays. They see me.
Is it true that when you

Speaker 1 is it true that when you shower?

Speaker 1 You know what my favorite thing is that i point at you listening to your podcast what is the only time you can tell when you're laughing because it's the only time you're not talking

Speaker 1 so when there's so just right like right what's happening now to the listeners when it's when it's quiet because she has it you have a very quiet laugh it's like a little undertone yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so should i shut the fuck up oh no i i love you so you can i like you too we're now like what do you mean like no no no like i like

Speaker 1 things i've done for you are you fucking kidding me i flew to fucking Nashville for your ass.

Speaker 1 She asked me, she asked me that she would send me a plane to the Nashville. I did.
You didn't take the offer. Bitch, you don't need to send me a fucking plane.
Honestly.

Speaker 1 Send me a plane. But that's a good friend that you didn't even like want to take the offer.
Some people would be like immediately jumping on that. Yeah, yeah.
Well, I've been on a lot of planes.

Speaker 1 So that's okay. Thank you, though.
Thank you. But thank you for showing up.
Yeah, I did show up. And now look what we're doing.
We've got your fucking poster with your head on it. Yeah, I've got it.

Speaker 1 You've got your jeans. I've got this.
I've got my unwell. Here I am.
We're here. Here I am.

Speaker 1 I hear that when you shower,

Speaker 1 you only... clean your hot spots, your vads, your butt, and your armpits.
That's just become an issue. Yeah.
I don't know why my legs would be dirty. They're covered up all day in my jeans.

Speaker 1 And they're not out. You know what I mean? My legs aren't going out without me.
And I'm pretty, like I, you know, I showered the day before also.

Speaker 1 And when I lather my hair with shampoo and conditioner, there is a lot of lather. And that drips down my body,

Speaker 1 cascades over my voluptuous breasts, onto my navel, and then down to my Pikachu.

Speaker 1 And my hot spots, which are, well, there's four, you know what they are. Yes.
As long as I get in there, I can take less than a three-minute shower. And I often do.

Speaker 1 I should wash my hair because that's like not washing my hair doesn't feel clean. You know what I mean? There's no point to a shower if you're not really washing your hair.

Speaker 1 Then you're kind of like sweaty, gross all day. And so I get in, I wash my Pikachu, I wash my asshole, and I wash my underarms, and which has been hard lately because I can't lift my right shoulder.

Speaker 1 So getting under this armpit, I can actually smell it right now. It's not, and I never smell.
You smell amazing and you look amazing. I'm going to be honest, I do the same thing.

Speaker 1 You don't wash your legs? I have no reason to wash my kneecaps. I have no reason to like get the back of the calf.
Like, I don't. Get back of the calf.

Speaker 1 I mean, I mean, honestly, like, I'm getting the back of the calf. What about shaving? Doesn't that count for something?

Speaker 1 That's true. And that's like once a week.
But your legs are so skinny. I mean, you shouldn't be washing them.
What are they collecting dirt? I mean, it's so stupid.

Speaker 1 But, you know, I guess, I don't know. I thought for a while, I'm like, God, maybe I really don't know how to shower.
But then I'm like, things are going pretty great. So fuck it.

Speaker 1 Why am I going to rock the boat? I think you should keep doing exactly what you're doing. This is your seventh book.
Yes. What the fuck?

Speaker 1 I mean, congratulations, but also like, how do you still have so much to say? I, I know.

Speaker 1 I know. Because I have a real life.
That's why I have things to say because I keep it, you know, I keep it real and I have real experiences.

Speaker 1 And I have to, because if you are a creative person in any way and you forget to have a real life, then you have nothing to talk about. I do stand up and I write books and I need stories.

Speaker 1 So I have to travel the world and remain like, you know. It's a nice life.
It's a great life.

Speaker 1 Why did you dedicate the book to flight attendants? Because they've been through hell.

Speaker 1 You know that. I mean, maybe you don't because you've been flying privately for so long.
First of all, I do not fly that way often. I did that for you.
Oh.

Speaker 1 I thought the way to lure you in, I was testing our friendship.

Speaker 1 And then I wanted you to be like, I'd take a bus for you. Oh, I wouldn't take a bus for anyone, let's be honest.
But I do.

Speaker 1 I think flight attendants are some of the most

Speaker 1 unappreciated

Speaker 1 service people that we have. I think everyone in the service, what they went through through COVID made me

Speaker 1 irate. I wanted to, I did go off on people on planes.
I was, I'm part of the crew. When I get on a plane, I become part of the crew.

Speaker 1 And I want to be one of them. They know that I'm on their team.
I'm not with the passengers. I'm with the crew.
What I do on a plane ride is usually pop a Xanax and go to bed.

Speaker 1 I don't like to drink on planes. I find drinking alone sad.

Speaker 1 And I definitely don't want to talk to anyone around me. So I kind of like drinking on a plane.
A lot of people do. I just feel like it doesn't count.
I'm getting a little fucked up. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm looking around, but I don't like to talk to anyone. Like, if you're on a plane, are you talking to the person next to you? What do you think?

Speaker 1 What do you think? I have headphones.

Speaker 1 There are not large enough headphones out there to send the signal to people that I do not want to be approached. I don't.

Speaker 1 You're doubling up on your phone.

Speaker 1 I have headphones that are literally the size of a small car so that it's like you couldn't, I couldn't hear you if you had a megaphone um but i do fly all the time and i fly commercially most of the time because i think that's the most responsible thing to do i agree i mean i don't want to be somebody who's you know that out of touch i do fly privately once in a while but um i just i I think flight attendants really deserve our respect.

Speaker 1 They are trapped in the sky with us and they have been treated

Speaker 1 with vitriol by idiots. And so, yeah, I always, I'm always, I will always have a flight attendance back.
That's also though, how you know this is your seventh book, though.

Speaker 1 Like, cause I feel like, who'd you dedicate the first one to? Who knows? No. But don't you think it goes like family? And then it goes friends.

Speaker 1 And now you're like, fuck number seven, flight attendance. Next time's going to be your mailman.
Mars the Trumps. I'm going to dedicate the next book to Ivanka.
I mean, yeah, you're right.

Speaker 1 That's actually a really good point. I was like, I'm out of dedications.
I already did this happy ones to my family. Next one goes to me.

Speaker 1 Okay, let's talk about traveling because you travel all the time. Yes.
What qualities do you need in a travel partner? Oh, this is good.

Speaker 1 I feel like you have very specific requirements because you like the vibes high. So I have a cousin, my cousin Molly.
She's like my person, one of my people that runs my life. Okay.

Speaker 1 And this year I was traveling to New Zealand and Australia, and she's my favorite travel buddy. We love to travel together.
But she's a type, she's anal retentive. She's a type A.

Speaker 1 okay and i'm a type z okay i am a type a from about eight to eleven in the morning once i get my shit done and it takes me about three hours to get my shit done and that's it okay and then i like to go off the rails you know what i mean love that for you so molly uh who has been a you know she's she i've known her my whole life obviously she's my cousin and she's worked for me for many years on and off um

Speaker 1 And I said, let's go to New Zealand and Australia. I was touring.
I said, let's go together. And she's like, absolutely.
She has a little three-year-old.

Speaker 1 So she's like, I have to be as safe as possible. And I want to wear a face mask on the plane.
And I need you to wear one too, so that I don't get my daughter sick.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, we're going to be gone for three weeks. Great.
Fuck your daughter. She's not going to be here.
What are you talking about? COVID is over. I'm an anti-masker now.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like, now that it's over, I don't give a shit. Like, stop.
I'm not wearing that for like a 14-hour flight. 14-hour flight wearing a mask.

Speaker 1 And she's like, if you don't wear a mask, I'm not going to go with you. And I was like, okay, fine.
I'll wear a mask. Psycho.

Speaker 1 So we're on the plane, and I take my, I, uh, I have my face mask on, and she's across from me, you know, in her little bed, and we're like looking at each other.

Speaker 1 I get an orange juice, and I love orange juice.

Speaker 1 And I get an orange juice, and I forget my mask is on, and I take a sip with it. And

Speaker 1 all the orange juice falls all over my shirt. And I'm wearing a white t-shirt.
I have no extra clothes. Everything has been checked.
I didn't think I was going to spill like a fucking baby.

Speaker 1 So I and I'm like, oh, god damn it, you know? So I get up and I go to the bathroom to start cleaning my shirt. And then I, you know, I'm like, let me go to the bathroom.

Speaker 1 So I sit down on the toilet and I pull my face mask down, somehow confusing that with my underwear and end up urinating into my underwear. And I'm like.

Speaker 1 Are there drugs involved? No, nothing has happened yet. Nothing has happened.
This is like an hour into the flight. I haven't even taken my Xanax.
And that's what those flights are for.

Speaker 1 It's like, I love getting on a plane ride that long in that little cubby hole, taking my Xanax,

Speaker 1 going to bed. Like, oh my, it's like a little apartment you have.
You know what I mean? And they take such good care of you. They treat you like a baby.
I love that.

Speaker 1 So I, I, so now I'm soaked in orange juice and urine. Okay.
And the flight, we have 14 hours left. So I come out of that fucking bathroom.
I'm raging.

Speaker 1 I'm like, you are a fucking nightmare that you made me wear this face mask and now I'm soaked in my own urine and orange juice.

Speaker 1 So we land.

Speaker 1 Okay. Somehow we land.
We get to New Zealand. And you know, they're very strict in New Zealand and Australia.
They're very strict about customs, what you're bringing in.

Speaker 1 There's a whole list of things to check off. I've never been.
Did you bring, you know, did you bring fruit? Did you bring vegetables? Do you have a gun?

Speaker 1 Did you bring, you know, whatever that you're not supposed to bring into their country? Do you have a dog or whatever?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 my cousin, there's the one that says, did you bring it? Do you have any meats? And my cousin goes, To check off meats.

Speaker 1 And I go,

Speaker 1 What are you doing?

Speaker 1 What are you doing? And she's like, I have a beef turkey in my backpack. Oh, my fucking God.

Speaker 1 Beef jerky.

Speaker 1 I looked at her. I go,

Speaker 1 throw that, rip that up and throw that. I have edibles, mushrooms, and a sheet of fucking acid on me.
And you're declaring a chomp's beef stick? Are you fucking kidding me right now?

Speaker 1 Get the fuck away from me. What the fuck? I'm covered in orange juice, urine, and have so many drugs on me.
And you're sitting here talking about beef jerky.

Speaker 1 I would have tackled her to the fucking.

Speaker 1 I didn't talk to her for three days. We went to a winery when we landed.
We went to a winery and we didn't speak. We sat across from each other.

Speaker 1 We sat like six seats away because we're looking out into this beautiful valley. New Zealand is gorgeous.
They have all these beautiful wineries. We're at this winery.
We weren't even speaking.

Speaker 1 I was like, I hope you're having a good time on this trip that I invited you on free i hope you're having a good time somebody who wants to declare beef jerky is not my friend i love though that you like i would be interested to see what the internet would say it's like but was the orange juice your fault it could have been my fault alex but that's not the point you know what i mean that wasn't the point this is the blame game you know i'm going to blame her and i will continue to blame her for declaring beef jerky first of all even if i didn't have acid mushrooms and ecstasy or sorry edibles mushrooms and acid that's what I brought on that trip.

Speaker 1 Even if I had those non-threatening items that people want to get upset about, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 No one, even if I didn't have that, I don't have time for someone who's going to declare a beef jerky stick. I agree with you.
What are you going to do? Infect a farm animal with that?

Speaker 1 Like, it's wrapped up. What does this sheet of acid look like? Oh, it's beautiful.
It's got this like big Buddha on it. And Whistler, I have a ski house in Whistler that I spend my winters in.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I get, they have the best drugs. In Canada, most things are legal.

Speaker 1 It's all all microdose you know it's nothing too crazy it's not like i'm tripping my balls off but i like a little mood lifter so uh it's a big buddha lady and she's and and it's one big sheet and it's got like 376 hits on it and um it lasts me throughout the year and i drug people wherever i go i get people i'm like you have to take this it's such a mood lifter and really answer oh yeah yeah yeah do you think i should try it i mean i don't know that you need anything else you don't think i feel like you're pretty amped up yeah but what i do like we went whale watching in australia and so i took it like for that like oh we're gonna go see whales i want to communicate with the animals and so are you making noises no no no i just know where like i i could tell where the pods of whales were before they could even pop up out of the water and my cousin i was like the guy on the boat would say everybody go to the right there was like 150 people on the boat and he'd be like okay there's a pod of whales to the right and they take you out of sydney harbor and you go out into these huge swells everyone's throwing up not me because I'm fucking seaworthy you know and everyone's throwing up and and then he's like okay there's a pot of whales at 45 degrees and everyone on the boat runs to the one side of the boat and I'd be like there's also a pot of whales coming up over here and finally my cousin Molly came up to me and she's like why are you staying in the same spot I'm like because I am in communication with the whales Molly because I took LSD this morning and she goes it's kind of amazing that you've been right about where the whales are each time.

Speaker 1 And I was like, it would be kind of amazing if you had taken LSD too instead of your beef fucking chompstick.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, but the thought of being on a fucking boat on LSD, I've never done LSD, but like, it sounds fucking horrible, Jelsey. It sounds like a fucking nightmare.
Only you are like, woo!

Speaker 1 Everyone else is throwing up in their sofa. It's not woo.
It's like,

Speaker 1 this is beautiful. Look at me.
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Like, everything's a little sparklier, a little bit more glittery.

Speaker 1 Like, there's, you have patience for people that you normally wouldn't. True, and I could see you on a boat with all those people whale watching.
Like, you'd want to fucking kill yourself.

Speaker 1 Well, and they're vomiting. So, obviously.

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Speaker 1 Okay, I'm going to ask you situations, and you're going to tell me what drug you would want to do in the situation. Great.
Girls trip in Ibiza. Molly.
Waiting in line at the DMV. Oh, God.
I guess pot.

Speaker 1 Pot. A first date.

Speaker 1 Just alcohol. Okay.
Your sister's wedding.

Speaker 1 Molly. Watching the notebook.

Speaker 1 Acid. What?

Speaker 1 I need a lifter for that. Like, that's

Speaker 1 okay. a karaoke bar.
Oh, God,

Speaker 1 I would need something serious. Mix a little.
Something I probably haven't even tried yet because I can't sing. And so I don't want to be seen singing.
I don't want to. You can't? No, no, no.

Speaker 1 I can't sing and I can't dance. What if we just hit a tune right now? I can't.
I can't sing. Defying gravity.
Defying gravity. Yeah, let's move on.
Okay. Grocery shopping? Don't do it.

Speaker 1 You don't go ever. I try not to.
Okay. Niece's high school graduation.
Oh, that would be drugs for sure.

Speaker 1 Oh, my. Yeah, my nephew's bar mitzvah.
I was handing everybody edibles at that event. Oh, at my cousin's wedding, I handed even my cousin's mother, who I think is my cousin.
Oh.

Speaker 1 I gave her a little shit, a little hit of LSD. She didn't know what it was, but I said, just take this.
Your night's going to enhance.

Speaker 1 And she took it. And she had a great time.
The good thing about getting drugs from you is one, I know you've already tried them. Two, you're rich.
So I feel like you are sourcing the best shit.

Speaker 1 And I feel like I'd be safe with you. Like, I wouldn't feel like, oh, God, I'm going to have a bad trip because this is laced with something.

Speaker 1 Like, I feel like you're really, you know what you're doing. Yeah, I know what I'm doing.
Yeah. I have, I was once, I mean, this is a little segue, but I'll take it.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I was in Mallorca and I was, there was this, I take acid to Mallorca and I dose everyone. All my friends come.
They have mind-numbing, bending experiences. We all have a great time.

Speaker 1 Is it legal in Mallorca? Is ass legal anywhere? I think it is legal.

Speaker 1 Things are legal in Spain that aren't legal everywhere, but who knows? Anyway, no one's really looking for acid. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 They're not going to see that sheet of that Buddha woman and go, was that acid? They're going to be like, oh, she's a really good artist.

Speaker 1 And I saw this elderly couple walking down the street and they just looked so in love. Like they were in their 80s and they were holding hands.
And I was on LSD. My whole group of friends was on LSD.

Speaker 1 And I said, look how beautiful that is. Like they're still into each other.
This man loves her. He was holding her one hand with both of his hands.

Speaker 1 And I stopped them, and I was like, You guys are so cute. Like, what's the story? They're like, This is our 50th wedding anniversary.
And I have a house in Mallorca, so I wasn't far from my house.

Speaker 1 And I said, Oh my God, your 50th wedding anniversary? I was like, That's incredible. What are you guys going to do? And they're like, We're just walking around the port.

Speaker 1 And I said, This is, I have two kayaks that are in front of my house on the beach. I said, These are my kayaks.
I said, Please take them and go out for like a midnight stroll.

Speaker 1 It's so beautiful under the sky in Mallorca. The stars and the moonlight.
I said, please take these kayaks. And I also have some LSD.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I got their medical background.

Speaker 1 Neither of them had a heart condition or any sort of thing to be alarmed about. And I said, I have these little tabs.
I go, don't be scared. They're micro-dosed.
Oh, my God. They were only enhanced.

Speaker 1 If you are happy now, you can't imagine the level of happiness you are going to achieve if you take these. And the man was like, oh, we're good.
We're good. We're in love.

Speaker 1 I go, no, no, please trust me. You know, please.
And please.

Speaker 1 And the woman goes, I'd like to try some. And I said, so I gave her a hit.
I gave him a hit. They decided to take one kayak.

Speaker 1 They went out to the port.

Speaker 1 I forgot about them.

Speaker 1 I was with my friends. I was at some bar, restaurant.
I went to bed. We all went to bed.
I woke up the next morning. I was out on my terrace.
It was like 7 a.m. I'm working out.

Speaker 1 And I see the kayak pull up. Shut the fuck up.
And I'm like, who? Oh my God, that's that couple that I gave my kayak to. I go, have they been out all night? And I live in this port.

Speaker 1 And so you can kayak out into the Mediterranean, but there's all these little coves. And they came up the beach and they're walking towards me.
And I'm waving to them. I'm like, hey, guys.

Speaker 1 And they come up to the stairs to my house. And I open my gate and they come in and they go, we spent the whole night in an alcove, like one of those caves.

Speaker 1 We kayaked into a cave.

Speaker 1 And we spent our 50th wedding anniversary up all night talking about all of our favorite memories you gave us the best gift we could have ever been given and i was like i had tears in my eyes you know like like i'm like i'm a healer i am healing people and and then the woman looked at me and she goes do you have any more no and i and i did and i gave it to her of course

Speaker 1 i share you are like a like a shaman

Speaker 1 shaman yeah you're like a drug doula or whatever i want people to experience the great. Listen, drugs are not for everyone.

Speaker 1 I respect that, and I understand that it can be a problem for many people, but they're for me. I want to come to my orca.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm inviting myself. I heard, I heard, yeah.
I've heard that. I feel like we have a big enough house I could kind of like.
You could come to my orca. Yeah.
I'll give you the house for a week.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. I want to be there with you.
I know.

Speaker 1 I know you do.

Speaker 1 You're like, yeah, here's the keys. We'll set a date.
I'm not there. But this, Alice, like, listen, I'm not, people aren't like hallucinating.
It's a mood lifter and a life enhancer.

Speaker 1 And I really believe it is medicinal. And I am pro that.
Do you do anything when you're skiing? Yeah, all the time. Ooh.
Edible, smoke pot. Is it true that you fucked your ski instructor?

Speaker 1 Yeah, several. What? How does that come about? Well, how doesn't it come about?

Speaker 1 You tell me how you keep your hands off of someone who's staying in charge of your body on a mountain that can ski better than you. That's hot.
How are you? How do you not have sex with that person?

Speaker 1 You tell me, Alex. Well, to be fair, I feel like skiing can be like a little bit of a catfish situation because you're like, what's going on under there? Have you ever been like, oh, oh, oh, right?

Speaker 1 That's a good point, actually. Right?

Speaker 1 They looked a little sexy and then they're a little not because they take off the gator and they take off everything and you're like, that's not what I thought you were.

Speaker 1 That's what that once happened to me scuba diving. I had a dive instructor.

Speaker 1 We were in French Polynesia and we were diving and we were on this boat and we had two dive masters and we were diving with like black tipped reef sharks and white tip reef sharks and they were pretty big.

Speaker 1 And I wasn't really good at scuba diving at that point.

Speaker 1 I had just gotten certified and I was really nervous and I kept like, you know, you're under so far, you're so far underwater that it's, it's scary that you can't just go back up. Yes.

Speaker 1 And I saw this, my cousin Molly, again, this fucking one. Jesus, she pulls the bottom of my ankle and I look down and there's a huge like eight foot black tip reef shark underneath.

Speaker 1 And I panic, and I'm like having, I'm shaking. And my goggles, I can't clear my goggles.
I didn't, I kept getting water in them, so I couldn't really see. So you couldn't see anything.

Speaker 1 And I, and so I start panicking, and I start going trying to swim to the surface.

Speaker 1 And then the dive master came down, put my goggles right on my face, cleared my mask, and then looked at me and like held my hands. And he's like,

Speaker 1 and he's like motioning to breathe in and breathe out. And I'm looking at him and I'm like, like,

Speaker 1 and he's holding my hands. And then he's like, he's like, do you want to go up? And I was like, I want to, you know, I want to stay with you.
And

Speaker 1 I was like, I'm, and then for the rest of the dive, he and I held hands and we swam around all the sharks while he guided me because he was now in charge of me. And this is a very big turn on to me.

Speaker 1 And a lot of women, I think, who have been neglected in their childhood by their fathers. And

Speaker 1 all my friends, so we had two dive masters. There were were 10 of us.
I had one, and the rest of them, the nine of them, had one. And so I had commandeered this guy.

Speaker 1 And so we're holding hands, diving. And I'm like, I'm going to have to fuck this guy.
You know, when we get to the surface, I'm going to fuck this guy. I am so turned on.

Speaker 1 He saved my life, and I am attracted to him.

Speaker 1 And then when we got to the top of the surface, we got in the boat. He took his mask off, and I was like, get the fuck away from me.
Don't even look at me again.

Speaker 1 Giving like ogre. Just not attractive.
Not your vibe. My vibe at all.
And he was like really looking after me. And I had to be like, it's over now that we're on the surface of the water.

Speaker 1 That was one relationship was underwater. And now there's a different relationship.

Speaker 1 That's pretty good. But you were able to cut it off.
Yeah, I mean, he wasn't. You didn't pity fuck him.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
Are you often pity fucking people?

Speaker 1 That's a great question. Yeah.
I have to say, you know, you do ask great questions, Alex.

Speaker 1 And I don't say that like, wow, but I mean, obviously, it's, you've had a very successful career that is going to continue to be successful.

Speaker 1 But when I was listening to your last interview, I think Amy said that to you. And I was like, yes, you really are a good interviewer.
These questions are good questions.

Speaker 1 These questions inspire me to want to ask better questions on my own podcast, but I'm too lazy to do that.

Speaker 1 But I also have to just say, I appreciate that the thing that got you to be like, damn, like, you're so good is me asking if you pity fucking people often.

Speaker 1 You're like, Alex, you are the next big thing. But, okay, let's talk about pity fucks because I've pity fucked.
Yeah, I'm sure I've pity fucked.

Speaker 1 I mean, I wouldn't say I've done that recently, but I'm trying to think back to a time where, yeah, where you have a guy in your hotel room and you're like, oh, God, how am I going to get out of this?

Speaker 1 Yeah. And then you're just like, maybe it's easier just to fuck him.

Speaker 1 Because it can be quick. The fucking? Yeah.
Well, hopefully in that case.

Speaker 1 But no, if I'm grossed out, I will. You're out.
I'm bouncing. What is the best one-night stand you've ever had?

Speaker 1 So many. I mean, I had so many fun one-night stands in my 20s and 30s.
Oh,

Speaker 1 what's the best one? That's really hard. It's okay.
I once had sex with this guy. What was his name?

Speaker 1 I like to be able to call people out with their first and last names, which is going to be hard for this because I don't even remember his first name. But I once had sex.

Speaker 1 I don't know if this was the best,

Speaker 1 but it was sexy. Ooh.

Speaker 1 And it wasn't a one-night stand, it went on for like a week, but it was like a one-night thing.

Speaker 1 I was in the at the London Olympics in 2012, I believe, and I was staying with my a couple of gay friends of mine had a house, and

Speaker 1 I was walking home late one night, or I was being driven home, and I was walking down the street to their house, and this really sexy British guy just, we just locked eyes and it was like sex, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I, I was like, it's something you would see in a movie, and I, and I was like, I'm in London. This was an impromptu trip.
I'm like, what if I just had an affair with this guy?

Speaker 1 And I walked past him and I stopped and I turned around and he had stopped. And it was late at night.
Like this was dangerous. You know, it could have been.
And it was late at night.

Speaker 1 And he said, would you like to come back to my place? And straight up? That was the first thing he said. The eye look that we had was so intense

Speaker 1 that I was like, yes. And we went back to his house.
I mean, I, we barely spoke. I went over there every night after the Olympics for a week, had a full-on affair with this guy.

Speaker 1 I don't even know if I know his last name or his first, clearly. Or his first.

Speaker 1 And we had this incredible, it was just like, like just chemistry, but not a lot of like getting to know each other. It was just purely sexual.
Kind of nice.

Speaker 1 And then I'd be like, okay, I'm going to the Olympics tomorrow. Like, and he's like, are you going to come back tomorrow night? I'm like, yes, definitely.
And then I'd get home at like 10.

Speaker 1 I'd be like, I'm coming over. And he'd be like, Great.
And we have a couple drinks and then we'd have crazy sex. And then I'd go back to the friends.

Speaker 1 And the friends whose house I was staying at, I never even told them what was going on. I don't know why, because I don't, it was just felt so steamy and like sexy.
And I wanted to keep it to myself.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I think that's how people feel with an actual affair, sadly. But you weren't cheating on your husband.
You were just having a flame. No, but I would cheat on my husband.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like, I definitely would. That's why I'm not married.
Can I ask, you've talked about how sex has gotten better as you've gotten older. What has gotten better?

Speaker 1 Sex, I mean, this isn't kind of a boring thing to say, but you're just more into your body and being pleased and asking for what you want. Yeah.
And you don't care about your cellulite.

Speaker 1 You don't care about the way that you look or if they see you in overhead lighting. I don't care what I look like on top of you or underneath you.
I'm hot.

Speaker 1 I know it. So, like, you're

Speaker 1 lucky to be fucking me. And that's what makes it sexy.
Every woman needs to clip that from themselves when they're about to go out on a date night.

Speaker 1 We'll make that a TikTok because it is very inspiring when you just said that. Like, it seems simple, but then I get it.

Speaker 1 When I think back to when I was having sex in college, I was like thinking of everything but actually enjoying myself.

Speaker 1 Absolutely. And I hate that.
I hate that women feel that way. And we talk about it all the time.
I know you talk about it on this all the time. Women don't ask for what they want.

Speaker 1 They don't even orgasm. You don't even orgasm half the time because you're just worried worried about pleasing men or

Speaker 1 not being confident about asking for what you want. So, I mean, that's totally true.
As you get older, you're just like, this is what I want. Can you provide it?

Speaker 1 You know, these are the rules and this is what's going to happen. Let's talk about your love life.
Okay. Are you seeing anybody right now? Yes.

Speaker 1 Tell me everything.

Speaker 1 Spill the tea.

Speaker 1 I've been down that road before with having a public relationship. So you're not doing my last relationship.
No, it's not that. It's more out of respect for their privacy.
You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't want him to have to be exposed to my world. No, we don't need to know anything about him, but tell me about you.
Like, when did you meet him? Like, how are you feeling?

Speaker 1 I met him a long time ago, but we didn't really become like

Speaker 1 lovers until like about six or seven months ago. How does that happen?

Speaker 1 Because I feel like so many people know people that they would like to have sex with, but then if you didn't do it immediately, it's like, how did you bridge the gap? Did you initiate?

Speaker 1 Did he initiate? I invited him to Mallorca on a trip with a group of friends. Everyone's getting invited, but me.
Yeah, I know. Almost.

Speaker 1 Now that we're talking about it, it's almost like everyone has been except for you.

Speaker 1 I invited him on. I've known him for years.
I've always been attracted to him, but he was not available. And I always have wanted

Speaker 1 someone like him in my life. Okay.
He's hot.

Speaker 1 He's awesome. He's sweet and so caring and completely sees me and understands that I am not available a lot.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? My life is pretty crazy and he appreciates that. And he's around when I want him to be.
And

Speaker 1 he's great.

Speaker 1 I mean, listen, I go through periods where I have multiple lovers.

Speaker 1 And that's kind of...

Speaker 1 like what I wanted to do when I was a little girl. I wanted to grow up and be a woman that did have multiple lovers.
I've never been interested in marriage.

Speaker 1 I'm not interested in long-term commitments to work, to people, to anything. I am a free spirit, and I want to remain and soar like an eagle.

Speaker 1 The mic didn't just hit.

Speaker 1 I'm in the sky. I want to soar like an eagle with my heart and legs wide open.

Speaker 1 No, I've had,

Speaker 1 I love men. Listen, I love men.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And I want to have adventures with lots lots of them and and i try to make sure everybody knows that's where i'm coming from when i'm in a relationship or any sort of you know what i mean i'm very upfront i'm not a liar you're direct i'm just like listen this is the deal do you want in okay let's pretend you're not dating someone okay and i'm gonna describe a man for you and you're gonna let me know if you would date him Okay, take a little sip, mix the alcohol with the Vicodin.

Speaker 1 Let's see if it gets weirder. Okay, no, I hope my doctors are listening to this.

Speaker 1 Is it going to be a problem that you're getting surgery tomorrow and you're drinking? No, they told me not to eat today that I have to be on a liquid diet.

Speaker 1 But you think they meant liquid by like alcohol? I don't think they meant that, but they know what, listen, my doctors understand who they're dealing with. Half the time I'm correcting them.

Speaker 1 Okay, he's rich and successful, but only flies economy to save money. And not like first class, like back in the plane.
Okay. Am I interested in him? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm not interested in flying with him, but I'm interested in him. Yes.
I like that. I do too.
But I'm not flying flying economy with him. Totally.
Love that.

Speaker 1 He's built like Jason Momoa, but he's scared of your dogs. Not, not, no, no.
I don't like men that are scared of dogs.

Speaker 1 I agree. It's one of the bigger red flags.
Why, what happened to you? Were you attacked by a wolf? Like, if you are scared of dogs, something is wrong with you. And I don't appreciate that at all.

Speaker 1 And your dogs are adorable. Unless you were attacked by a dog.
Yes. And you're a woman.

Speaker 1 Period. He's been healed through therapy, but he refuses to go down on you.
No.

Speaker 1 No. I love when guys go down on me.
Is it like a hard thing for you if they're horrible? Do you teach or you just get rid of them?

Speaker 1 Going down on you? Just like, ah.

Speaker 1 I mean, that going down on you could work because like that's pretty much they're going to hit the target at some point.

Speaker 1 But you can pretty much, I mean, in a position where a man is going down on you, you you have most likely your hands on their head, directing them exactly where to go.

Speaker 1 But if someone kisses me in a sloppy, gross way, that is unrecoverable. I agree.
A bad kiss makeout is

Speaker 1 kind of unforgivable. Yeah.
You can't kind of come back from that. I agree.
Okay, he makes you laugh harder than anyone, but he hates that you're funnier than him. I don't mind that.
You don't? No.

Speaker 1 A little competition. I don't care if somebody hates that I'm funny.
That's not my problem. That's their problem.

Speaker 1 Okay, he's your best friend

Speaker 1 Again, great line of questioning Alex. Thank you.
Those are great questions. Thank you.
It's really sparking a debate.

Speaker 1 He's your best friend, but his best friend is his mom. He's my best friend.
I don't want him to be my best friend, first of all. So that's already a cancel.

Speaker 1 I don't need a guy, my lover, to be my best friend. That's stupid.
I love how that wasn't like the problem. No, that wasn't even the question, but I'll just cut you off.

Speaker 1 Okay, have you ever fucked a mama's boy? No, that's not my thing. Really? No.
I mean, you have to respect your mother, but not a mama's boy. I find that to be awful.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like the same way, like a daddy's girl. Like, come on, we're all adults here.
Grow up.

Speaker 1 You've never been a daddy's girl? I mean, maybe I was a dad. No, not really.
My dad wasn't that impressed with me. And I wasn't that impressed with him, quite frankly.

Speaker 1 I thought you were just going to say my dad wasn't that impressive. I was going to say my dad wasn't that attractive.
I wasn't I never wanted to fuck myself. I wasn't that attracted to my father.

Speaker 1 We're not interested in fucking our dads over here. That's a fabulous answer.
Thank you. Okay, he's tall, dark.

Speaker 1 He's tall, dark, and handsome, but his whole Instagram is selfies. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 I've definitely met guys on Raya where that is the case. And then

Speaker 1 I've definitely had sex with guys like that. I don't know about dating guys like that.
I mean, selfies, not really.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like imagine you walk into your bathroom and he's like shirtless taking a picture. No, no, no.
No, you're right. The selfies, no, actually, when I think about it.

Speaker 1 You being on Raya at a point in your life, have you ever fucked a DJ?

Speaker 1 DJ Diplo? Is that who you're talking about? Well, not specifically Diplo, but if you fucked up. No, because I didn't fuck him.
No. Okay, good.
I wanted to. I wanted to.

Speaker 1 I did a segment with him once on my Netflix show and I was like, he's hot. And then, you know, he's not that hot to me anymore, but

Speaker 1 a DJ. No, I've never fucked a DJ.
I'd not that I'm aware of

Speaker 1 that is very good to clarify. I feel like I could see you fuck a DJ.
Me too. I could see that.
Yeah. Like you're on LSD, you're bumping.
Yeah, but I don't, yeah, I'm not really good at dancing either.

Speaker 1 So dancing and singing are the two things. That's what I really appreciate about Wicked is that they could dance and sing.
I'm always amazed by people who can do that.

Speaker 1 Like Zoe Zeldana and Amelia Perez. I didn't know she could dance and sing.
I was having this debate with someone the other day, day, though. Would you rather be really good at singing or be funny?

Speaker 1 I would rather be funny. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Not that that's, you know, they're not great. I'm just saying, like, I'm basically trying to hype you up in the process.
It's okay that you're basically so fucking awful at these things. You're funny.

Speaker 1 So take it or leave. Yeah, you can't have it all.

Speaker 1 And this one lasts kind of forever.

Speaker 1 Anyways, now that we're comparing, okay, you've been on your healthy therapy journey, I feel like, but before that, what was your most toxic trait in a relationship? Like, give me tangible.

Speaker 1 I know you're a fucking eagle with your legs spread, but what were you really toxic with? I think certain people bring out toxicity. You know what I mean? Like, certain dynamics are toxic.

Speaker 1 So, like, you don't belong with certain people because they bring out the worst in you, you bring out the worst in you. Give me an example.
I had an ex-boyfriend.

Speaker 1 We dated for a couple of years, and we had a very toxic, very like, like, I would look through his phone. He cheated on me.
He would be out all hours. I'd be paranoid about it.

Speaker 1 It was the worst version of me that I've ever experienced. I remember I was filming, I was shooting Chelsea lately at the time.

Speaker 1 I was working on that show and I would be so consumed about when he was going to call and how late he was out at night because he lived in New York and I lived in L.A. and we had this great chemistry.

Speaker 1 So we had so much fun together and it was, and then, but it was toxic and there was gamesmanship and he didn't want to be controlled and I was trying to control him. And, you know,

Speaker 1 none of that works ever. You can't ever try to control anyone.
And if anyone's gonna cheat, they're going to. They're not gonna not because you're calling them.
Are you talking about 50 Cent?

Speaker 1 No, no, no. He was beautiful.
He was a sweetheart. He was so sweet.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I bring it up every time I talk to you. A lot of people bring that up.
People seem to really like that story. I wonder why.
Why do you think that is? I just think

Speaker 1 you're both such huge personalities, and picturing you together,

Speaker 1 I'm trying to picture a conversation between you two, and I don't

Speaker 1 like I read his Instagram captions, for example.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, I hear what you're saying. He was a sweetheart.

Speaker 1 Like, my whole all my friends, when I dated him, just fucking loved it because he'd come over to our house every night and he have he'd have like a Lamborghini one day and then like a yellow Ferrari the next day.

Speaker 1 Meanwhile, I realized he was borrowing all these cars from different dealerships. I was like, You can do that, you know? I'm like, oh, and then I got a Bentley.

Speaker 1 I got a chocolate Bentley because he kept coming over every night and he have a different car. So as a joke, I went and bought a chocolate Bentley.
I didn't know you could borrow cars.

Speaker 1 And as a celebrity, so I went and bought a chocolate Bentley and then we broke up.

Speaker 1 So there I am stuck with this chocolate Bentley like a fucking white dumb bitch asshole driving around like I'm some rapper. And I had that Bentley, which was a really nice car, by the way.

Speaker 1 I had that Bentley for like two years. Okay.
What's the most unhinged thing you've ever done during a breakup? I bought an ex-boyfriend, it's a toxic one, actually. Okay.

Speaker 1 He has a house in upstate New York and like an estate. And I knew I had to break up with him at some point, but I wanted him to really feel it, you know? And I bought.
You bought with a bang.

Speaker 1 I bought, he had this huge drive that lead that led up to his estate.

Speaker 1 And it is an estate. I use that word because that's what it is.
It's a huge farm. It's gorgeous.
It's on the Hudson River.

Speaker 1 And I bought him 35 linden trees that i'm pretty sure i imported from germany at the time very extravagant how expensive is that who knows

Speaker 1 and i had

Speaker 1 like 17 put lined on either side of the driveway so that they would grow and form a canopy so that when you drove in you drive into his house under this alley of trees and i knew that every winter, I mean, that every spring and every fall, the leaves would change and bloom and

Speaker 1 it would be beautiful. And that everyone who saw them would be like,

Speaker 1 where did you get these trees?

Speaker 1 And every winter, I mean, sorry, every fall and every spring, I get a text from him

Speaker 1 going,

Speaker 1 I can't believe I lost you. Look at your trees.
Do you want to come see them? And I'm always like, not interested. That was just a message to you.
You're good. That was a good breakup.

Speaker 1 The fact that that's a breakup. And how did you tell him you were giving this to him? Well, I gave it to him as like a birthday present, but I knew I was leaving.
And then you said goodbye. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then the trees got planted after I was gone, you know? And so that was like, that felt great.

Speaker 1 I mean, the fact that that will stick with him forever and you have nothing to remind you of him, that's beautiful. Yeah.
That was like your last big toxic hit and then you're out. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then, and then I haven't had a toxic relationship since then.

Speaker 1 I was kind of like, I went out with a bang and nature.

Speaker 1 So gorgeous. You know what would be good for you to have your dogs during your interviews? So I've thought about that, but I couldn't tell.

Speaker 1 Because I think it helps people. I think anyone who's coming on the show understands that they're going to dish, right? They know what's up.
Yeah, you're going to tell me the big thing.

Speaker 1 You're getting up to the big thing. I'm pregnant.
I'm pregnant. And I've already gotten an abortion during this interview, all within this time.

Speaker 1 They know they're coming here. So I don't know that you need the dogs, but I

Speaker 1 like the idea of people softening and because dogs make people feel happy. Let's talk about our dogs.
What is the most elaborate thing you've ever done for your dogs? Well,

Speaker 1 I once flew one of my dogs privately alone

Speaker 1 to meet me. in Whistler, Canada, because I thought there was a quarantine when I first started going there, and I didn't know I could bring my dogs.

Speaker 1 So I flew myself there first, and then when I found out you don't have to quarantine your dogs, I sent for Chunk and he got on a plane with two pilots and a manifest that said Chunk Handler.

Speaker 1 So that was one extravagant thing. That is fucking, imagine being those pilots.
That's exactly right. The other thing I've done is I'm in Maine.
It's COVID.

Speaker 1 And I'm trying to fuck Andrew Cuomo at the time because I had a hot, hot thing for Andrew Cuomo. He was hot at the time.
Yeah, he was hot. And anyway, I rented this house in Maine

Speaker 1 and was in a, and I, and then Andrew Cuomo blew me off. This is in the book, by the way.
And this is the book and in my stand-up special, which is coming out after the book. But

Speaker 1 he,

Speaker 1 he, uh, I, once he, I realized it wasn't happening with Andrew Cuomo. We had a long flirtation or a short one, but I was led to believe I'd be penetrated by him at some point.

Speaker 1 And when that didn't happen, I was with my brothers and sisters and a bunch of friends at this house that I had rented in Maine. And I was like, God, I didn't bring Burton Bernice.

Speaker 1 I've just been rejected by a man.

Speaker 1 It's COVID. I'm single.
A lot of people during COVID who were single feared that maybe they would never get penetrated again. Maybe that was it.
You know, what if I never am allowed to have sex again?

Speaker 1 So it was a rejection, a dejection.

Speaker 1 It was deep.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I was like, I came downstairs and I said to my sister Simone, like, I need Bert and Bernice here. I'm pissed that they're not here.
I don't know what I was thinking. We're here for a month.

Speaker 1 Like, I need some comfort. And I'm not flying my dogs privately.
That's ridiculous. Like, I did that once and I was shamed for it.
And I don't want to be that egregious.

Speaker 1 So she said, let me figure it out. And she came downstairs and said she had found a service.

Speaker 1 There was a couple that could drive my dogs from California to Maine and then they could be there in 48 hours.

Speaker 1 It was a Monday at 7 p.m.

Speaker 1 And I was like, 48 hours. I was like, is that even possible? But, you know, when things go my way, I don't ask a lot of questions.
I'm like, great.

Speaker 1 So Wednesday at like 7:30, this couple pulls up in this like trailer hitch situation, like a van attached to something else. I don't know the vernacular for those types of things because, you know.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 my dogs kind of scuttled out, and my dogs aren't very affectionate. They were both, they're both dead now, but they were, they're just both aloof.

Speaker 1 They were brother and sister combo platter, and they were chow chows, and they're just kind of like slow, sluggish, and just seemingly off.

Speaker 1 And I, I said to the couple that pulled out, I was so grateful, you know, to see my dogs. I was so, anyone who has an animal understands.

Speaker 1 And I went inside to make them a thank you cocktail. I went inside to my, uh, to the kitchen.
My brother, Roy, was cooking. He's the chef in our family, and he was cooking.

Speaker 1 And he was like, I, I, I said, he, I

Speaker 1 grabbed a bottle of Belvedere, grabbed some cocktail glasses, and he goes, what are you doing? And I said, I'm making the couple that just delivered Burt and Bernice a thank you cocktail.

Speaker 1 And he said, don't make them more than one round, Chelsea. Like very sternly, he's talking to me.
And I'm like, excuse me?

Speaker 1 I go what's your problem he goes look at me and he lowered his glasses to the bottom of his nose like in a very serious like avuncular way and he goes look at me anybody who drove from California to Maine in 48 hours is on crystal meth

Speaker 1 dude Did you go back out there and like take a harder glance? No, I went back out there with the cocktails and I was like, I'm not judgy, you know, whatever it takes.

Speaker 1 So I go, I don't know anything about crystal meth. I mean, I do a lot of drugs, but I'm not like, you know, I'm not doing that.

Speaker 1 Jewish. We don't do that.
So I hand them the cocktails and the guy's like, thanks a lot. Well, you know, we can't be, we can't stay for long.
We have to be in Florida by midnight.

Speaker 1 That's also not a five-hour drive. I'm like,

Speaker 1 okay. But the next couple of days, the dogs were walking around like very aimlessly and bumping into like

Speaker 1 my dog like stared at a paddleboard for almost like 20 minutes. And I'm sitting sitting outside on this like front yard of this house that we rented on this beach.

Speaker 1 It was so beautiful with my brother Roy and I go, what's wrong with Burt and Bernice? Like, and he goes, what's wrong with them, Chelsea?

Speaker 1 You just sent your dogs on a high-speed methamphetamine car chase across the country because a governor wouldn't fuck you during a global pandemic.

Speaker 1 What the fuck? He's like, they're detoxing.

Speaker 1 They're coming down. Yeah.
They're coming down off the drugs. Yeah, they were coming down.
So that was, and then the next day, like the Bushes were there. The Bushes were in Kenny Bunkport.

Speaker 1 The next day, Barbara Bush, George W. Bush's, you know, one of the twins, Barbara and Jenna, she's like, she texts me.
She's like, sissy, we call each other sissy.

Speaker 1 She's like, sissy, I hear you're in Bitterford Pool, which is where we were staying. And I was like, yeah.
And she's like, we're coming by.

Speaker 1 She comes by, unbeknownst to me, brings the first lady with her. There's like three Secret Service people, and they're sitting on my porch.
We're all talking.

Speaker 1 I'm trying not to be seen with that many Republicans. You know what I mean? I'm like, fuck, is there a drone around? Like, I can't be seen with a former first lady.

Speaker 1 And then Bert, Barbara Bush, loved my dog, Bert. She loved him.
She understood his body type the way I did, like, just a bundle of meat, you know? And he was, and she was like, why is Bert acting?

Speaker 1 I'm like, he's sick. He's sick.
Cause I know, you know, like, I'm not going to bring up Bristol.

Speaker 1 I'm the fucking first lady. And my brother Roy's out there.
And I knew he was about to fucking say something. I'm like, you shut up.

Speaker 1 Do not, you know how Republican first ladies ladies act about drugs, you know? There's a war on them. And I don't want them to think me and my loose lifestyle that I'm drugging my dogs.
So

Speaker 1 it was pretty ridiculous. They recovered, I think.

Speaker 1 You think? Wait, and now do you have new dogs? I have a new dog, Doug. Doug, yeah, he's black and beautiful.
He's a full chow. Oh.
Yeah. And a rescue, a full chow rescue.
What? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you lying? No. No.
No, no. I think our dogs need to meet.
I would never lie about anything. I mean,

Speaker 1 why would would i i don't know i have nothing to hide you don't lie ever you think i've after everything that i've divulged today i'm gonna lie about my dog being a rescue

Speaker 1 i mean honestly alex cooper just god forbid you want to like get more street cred no no no you don't get i bought a dog once i returned him though oh yeah that's worth a loser he was a loser that dog why because he's such a fucking lunatic i i don't like i like lazy dogs i want but this dog i have now doug he's black i wanted a dog of color, and he is so beautiful and friendly, and a real dog.

Speaker 1 Like, I have had such zombies for dogs for so long because I don't really want to exercise with them and do that stuff. Yeah.
That I appreciate dogs that are a little bit on the lazy side. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've never had a dog like Doug, and he just brings so much joy to everyone he meets. He looks like a bear.

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Speaker 1 head and then Matt is like, oh my God, you look beautiful. You're ready for date night.
Did you shower? And I'm like, eh, whatever. I look gorgeous.
That's the point.

Speaker 1 Meanwhile, it's fully Batiste, like making my hair look like I got a blowout or I showered and I did a whole nine-hour routine for my hair. Nope, just Batiste.

Speaker 1 Buy Batiste dry shampoo online or in store at your nearest retailer. Do you ever bring your dogs to dog parks? I don't.
I try not to go to dog parks.

Speaker 1 I've had some of the worst interactions with human beings at dog parks. What happened? I was looking for Doug.

Speaker 1 Actually, they were bringing Doug to showcase me this chow rescue that I got my last dogs from. They knew I was down one dog and looking for a refill.

Speaker 1 So they brought these two dogs to a dog park in Brentwood. I went to the wrong dog park and I opened, you know, how they have those metal gates.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I walk in and I'm like looking around to see if the people with the dogs are anywhere. And

Speaker 1 some guy screams at me, going, shut that door now.

Speaker 1 Or shut the gate. Shut the gate.
And, you know, it's like they have two gates to get into the dog park. One.
And then, and I, and I looked at him, like, I'm five feet away from the gate.

Speaker 1 There are no dogs anywhere except for him and his two dogs, which he has on leashes. And he's like 50 yards away screaming.
And I'm like, are you talking? I'm like, sir, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Can you please relax? And he's charging towards me.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, sir,

Speaker 1 calm down. He goes, it just takes two seconds for one of these dogs to get out of the street and get hit on Barrington.
And then what?

Speaker 1 And I'm like, sir, something happened to you today, and it has nothing to do with me. So please stop talking to me.
And I go, and stop looking at me, actually. You're freaking me out.

Speaker 1 And I'm looking at my phone trying to figure out if I'm at the wrong dog park because there's two kind of catty corner. Yeah, yeah.
I don't say catty corner. And I, and so I'm looking down.

Speaker 1 And then he goes, all of you celebrities think you can just get away with murder. And then I looked up on behalf of celebrities everywhere.
I was offended. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And I looked up, I go, I'm sorry, sir. That's really uncalled for.
I said, there are no dogs here except for yours that are on leashes. I'm close to the gate.
No dog could run past me.

Speaker 1 And he goes, you're a whore, Chelsea Handler.

Speaker 1 What the fuck? You're a whore.

Speaker 1 And I obviously started laughing because I was like, what the fuck do you even say to that? Like, we're literally talking about our dogs and you're just like taking it that aggressively. It was.

Speaker 1 And then I realized he was gay on top of it, which was a double whoopsie-doodle. Cause I'm like, first of all, I think I've proven my allyship for fucking since I was before I was born.

Speaker 1 And obviously no straight man is screaming like that at a at a dog park. You know what I mean? No straight man is like, get out of here.

Speaker 1 That is.

Speaker 1 That's a pretty wild moment, though, to have someone scream in your face like that. But I feel like you handled that well.

Speaker 1 Well, there was another guy that was walking up, luckily, because he heard him. He goes, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Like, do you need any backup here?

Speaker 1 And I'm like, no, no, I just have a crazy gay I'm dealing with right now. And then the guy, the gay guy, got in his minivan and started taking pictures of me.
And I started smiling and waving.

Speaker 1 I was like hi and then i was like should we get one together you know like he was gonna report me or something the dog parks are not for the week like i went once and my dogs got some type of rash oh oh so i don't know i don't yeah i'm not into dog parks listen i don't really i don't even walk my dog okay like i

Speaker 1 let's be honest chelsea i don't you cuddle with them yeah okay what do you think of dogs with food names when people name their dogs like macaroni noodles chickpea? That's annoying.

Speaker 1 I like, my dog's name is Doug. My dog's name is Henry and Bruce.
Exactly. Exactly.
Like treat them as such. Yes.
When you're like, oh, when they call them a different animal, like, oh,

Speaker 1 skunk. And you're like, why are you calling, you know what I mean? Do you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess. I mean, I find dog talking,

Speaker 1 like, I find dog jargon very irritating. People who are obsessed with their animals, like, listen, I'm obsessed with my animal.
I am showing pictures of him. I'm totally guilty of it as well.

Speaker 1 So it's very hypocritical, but I still don't like it. And I don't like like the, like, I have a dog person in Whistler that takes my dog on like three-hour hikes every day.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And the way she talks about dogs, I just have to tune out. You know what I mean? Like the first time I met a dog trainer in Whistler, this isn't who I have now, who I have now, Abby, who's very cool.

Speaker 1 But I had a woman who came and she said, okay, what are you looking today? The first session will be a discovery session. And I'm like, okay, let me cancel this meeting.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm not dealing with you. And then she sent me links to YouTube videos to watch recall videos about how I was going to, I'm like, listen, bitch, I'm not training him.
You are.

Speaker 1 So you watch the video and then let me know what to do because we're not doing it together. It is crazy.

Speaker 1 Some people that are, I've had a person come to my house and say, like, we're going to discover their personality. And I'm like, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Take the 200 bucks and like teach him to do paw. She said, by the way, I don't even want that.
Why do you want a paw? What for?

Speaker 1 Is that cute? I don't think that's cute. No, it's good for training.
Sit, paw, treat. Sit is fine.

Speaker 1 I just want them to not attack anyone. That's all I want is for my dogs to behave and be friendly to little children when they come and pet them.
True. And not attack anyone.

Speaker 1 And I don't need them to run and do tricks and lie down and spin. It's all so dumb.
It's a little circusy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you having sex in the room with your dogs? Oh, that's a great question. My dog comes on the bed and he's so agile.

Speaker 1 He's, he's big and furry and he looks like he weighs like, I mean, he does weigh like 65 pounds, but when he jumps up on the bed, you can never hear him.

Speaker 1 So I, so all of a sudden, we'll be having sex and we'll look up and Doug is just like this.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, oh my God, Doug, I can't have him see his mother like giving a blowjob. Do you know what I mean? I don't want him to like look at it.

Speaker 1 I've had that where you're like look, you're giving a little blowy and you see from the side eye you're like and like bruce but the look on their face is like they're like what is happening like inquisitive they're like huh yeah yeah like am i a part of this or am i not a part it's like you're definitely not a part of this and i need you to actually get the fuck off the bed because this is weird i've had that also where i'm like getting eaten out and i like look over and he's just staring like liking it a little too much.

Speaker 1 And I really, or the worst is like, I push them off the bed immediately. I'm not going to kick them out of the room.
I think people that are like, they can't even be in the room.

Speaker 1 I'm like, my dogs are, one dog is running to the corner. The other one is like getting a little rambunctious and wanting to hump and it's freaking me out.
We cut his balls.

Speaker 1 But the problem is he likes the smell.

Speaker 1 Of sex.

Speaker 1 So of your Pikachu? He likes the smell of that. He's in, I think he.
How do you know that? Because after, he's like smelling the sheets insane. Oh.

Speaker 1 We got a freak on our hands. Oh, wow.
Yeah. So that's what I'm dealing with.
Well, maybe you should go to the doctor.

Speaker 1 No, it's good. Do you know that it's a good smell that hates? I know.
Maybe something, maybe you have an infection. I know that my vagina smells fucking perfect.
Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Worry about yourself and your fucking crooked arm. My vagina,

Speaker 1 bitch.

Speaker 1 Come for my vagina and I will cut you. Because that's what's going to trend.
My crooked arm. My crooked arm.

Speaker 1 That's what people will say. I have a smelly vagina.
No, no, no, no. But I don't want to get too defensive so people are like, oh, God, you hit a score.
I think you already did.

Speaker 1 Oh, your breasts.

Speaker 1 oh my god my pill okay your book comes out on your 50th birthday yeah i'm gonna be 50 how are you approaching your new decade i'm just fucking psyched yeah psyched you're ready i'm happy i'm just happy my life is so fun i'm happy that i get to do what i love to do that i that i like my family for the most part there are a couple you know but i that i

Speaker 1 that i have this life that i've created what happened with jane fonda uh jane fonda

Speaker 1 the book in there's a story in the book where Jane Fonda calls me over to her house, summons me, quite frankly. This is like, I don't know how, I have no sense of time.

Speaker 1 So maybe 15 years ago, summoned me to her house.

Speaker 1 And no, it was 10 years ago. It was 10 years ago because I was 40 and I'm about to turn 50.
So she summoned me to her house. She sent me an email and said,

Speaker 1 Chelsea, I'd like to talk to you about something.

Speaker 1 And it was a stern tone in the email. And I was like, she's like, are you free for dinner? And I'm like, sure, absolutely.
It's Jane Fonda. I'm always free for you.

Speaker 1 When? And she's like, tonight, actually, at 7.30. I'll see you at my house.
And I'm like, uh-oh. Like, what?

Speaker 1 Fuck. I was like, what is this about? And

Speaker 1 my best friend at the time, I was like, what do you think? She's like, I don't know. That's so weird.
I'm like,

Speaker 1 can you come with me? And she's like, I'm not invited. I'm like, I know.
So I get to her house. And I had been to her party,

Speaker 1 I think it was her birthday party. She had a party of some sort.
And I had been to her party like months and months earlier. And she goes, You were terrible at that party.

Speaker 1 She goes, I don't know what drugs you were on. You insulted multiple people.
You were a dark cloud hanging over the party. The whole conversation is in the book, so I'm probably

Speaker 1 paraphrasing.

Speaker 1 But, and I

Speaker 1 was mortified, obviously. And I, she wasn't wrong.
I don't even, you know, I barely remember that party. I was on drugs, I'm sure.
Who knows which ones? And

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 had, and I had just started therapy. I had just began therapy.

Speaker 1 Thank God, because, you know, one of the first things you learn in therapy is like, if you are defensive about anything, then you're wrong or lying. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like, if you're right, you don't have to defend yourself. Yeah, like my vagina.
Yeah, like your vagina. Like, you just did that with your vagina.

Speaker 1 And, um, and I was sitting there across from her and I was like, oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I'm mortified. This is so humiliating.
And I was like, and

Speaker 1 I just said,

Speaker 1 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 I don't know what was wrong with me. And you're right.
I was terrible that night, I'm sure, because I don't really remember much of it. It's kind of hazy.

Speaker 1 I mean, I remembered the party, but I didn't remember specifics. And

Speaker 1 in the midst of that humiliation and mortification,

Speaker 1 the more overarching sentiment was,

Speaker 1 wow, that's a sister. Yeah.
Like that's sisterhood. She's, I mean, I met her once and I interviewed her and I was like, happy I got my words out.
Her like aura is so incredible and inspiring.

Speaker 1 And as women, I feel like I'm like, wow, I'm happy that I've gotten to like meet someone like that. And now I'm happy that obviously we're friends and I've gotten to meet you.
Love it.

Speaker 1 Do you have anything left to say? Give me the book. Throw me the fucking book.
Don't you have it in your lap? Throw it. I can't.
My shoulder. Oh, God.

Speaker 1 I want to say

Speaker 1 happy birthday

Speaker 1 to you. Chelsea's book is coming out on her 50th birthday date.
February 25th. I knew that.
February 25th, same as every year.

Speaker 1 The book is coming out, Daddy Gang, if you want to laugh, if you want to cry, and if you want to fall more in love.

Speaker 1 Why is there nothing in the book? Because it's it's a fake book, you idiot.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's actually.

Speaker 1 What if that was the book? What if you had held it up and been like, I loved this part? And then you opened it up to me. Specifically, this chapter where it said, What the fuck?

Speaker 1 No, Daddy Gang, go read the book, Chelsea. I love you.
Love you too.

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