951 - My Boys And In Some Cases Gals feat. Alex Nichols (7/14/25)

Hello, everybody.

Will Meneker here.

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Hello, everybody.

It's Monday, July 14th, and this is your Chapo.

On today's episode, we've got Alex Nichols back in the house.

What's up?

And fellas, let's get into it.

I'd like to begin today with the ongoing schism in MAGA world

relating to the Epstein files or the lack thereof.

So

when are they going to release these files?

Do the files even exist?

Well, our president has weighed in on it over the weekend.

Writing on True Social, Donald J.

Trump states, What's going on with my boys?

And in some cases, gals?

They're all going after

Attorney General Pam Bondi, who is doing a fantastic job.

We're on one team, MAGA, and I don't like what's happening.

We have a perfect administration, the talk of the world, and selfish people, quote unquote, are trying to hurt it all over a guy who never dies, Jeffrey Epstein.

For years, it's Epstein over and over again.

Why are we giving publicity to files written by Obama, crooked Hillary, Comey, Brennan, and the losers and criminals of the Biden administration who conned the world with Russia, Russia, Russia hoax, the laptop from hell and more, they created the Epstein files, just like they created the fake Hillary Clinton Christopher Steele dossier that they used on me.

And now my so-called friends are playing right into their hands.

Why are we even platforming Jeffrey Epstein?

He's

out.

He unalived himself.

He committed suicide.

Yeah.

That's what I thought he was going to go with.

I mean, I saw the other press conference where he said, to talk about this now, after, and he didn't even like remember where all those girls died.

He said, after the thing in Texas,

he said, it's a desecration.

It's a desecration to talk about it.

Yeah.

One would wonder why

Biden didn't like reveal the files if they made them.

I don't know.

I mean,

I guess I could see Obama being too into procedure to do it, but surely

Biden would have.

I think trying to conflate it with Christopher the Steele dossier is like, he has such good memories of turning the Russia Gate thing on its head.

And this just really isn't the same thing.

It's one thing when you're like, you're taking advantage of people's innate boredom when they hear about like Nellie Orr and

who is the Lev Parnas.

But it's another thing when you're like, oh, we're going to get all these pedophiles.

We're going to reveal all their secrets.

I'm committing right now.

I'm in these files, and it's because they lied about me.

Well, I guess the thing that I'm going to zero in on here is when, like, he says that the Epstein files, which don't exist or do exist, he says if they, you know, basically if they do exist, they were written by all the losers and criminals of the Biden administration.

But I guess like my problem with that is that Trump was the president when Jeffrey Epstein died in federal custody.

So why don't you have your files?

Why was there no investigation done by anyone who's not a crooked criminal?

I get like, I don't, even the people who were skeptical on Trump on the right-wing side, I don't get how like, I mean, I'm sorry.

Maybe I wasn't paying attention.

Maybe Alex Acosta, he was just like,

despite everything, he was like an up and coming star, like a great administrator.

But it seems to me like there was no other reason for him to be in the administration, almost like he got rewarded for doing a specific act when he was U.S.

attorney in

Florida.

To me, it seems like the most predictable fucking set of circumstances.

And I have very little sympathy for the people who said they were fooled because either like you were too stupid to do

whatever job you have or

you are you were aware that Donald Trump was president in 2018.

But

just for how they have done this, like how Trump and Bondi and all these people have done this, I think

they arrived at the single worst possible way they could have done this.

Like the most discrediting and demoralizing.

Like if they had, if they had literally released like Donald Trump like kissing a ninth grader and we're like,

they like put like a jib jab type cutout of AOC's head on him.

And we're like, oh, look at that.

This, oh, I guess we see how AOC got,

you know, came from being a bartender to a congresswoman.

She was on the plane, everybody.

I think it would have gone over better.

Like, more people would be willing to stand behind it, but doing it this way where it's like, I have the files on my desk.

I just have to go over them to make sure that Donald Trump isn't in them.

The files are fake.

also, Biden made them.

Yeah, the idea that Biden made it is pretty funny.

Like, there's a Democratic version of the fake Republican Epstein list that goes around where it's like every single Democratic celebrity.

It's like people who wouldn't be in there.

It's like people, it's like the weekend is in there.

Alex, I saw one where Cardi B is in there.

Yeah, just people who were like,

like people who weren't famous yet when Jeffrey Epstein was still doing that shit.

Yeah, Cardi B, when she was like a random teenager who was a member of the Bloods, Jeffrey Epstein was like, hey, do you want to like, I know you're also 15.

Yeah.

But do you want to join this as a perpetrator?

Like Lil Nas X was on there

when he was 16.

Lizzo was on there.

Everybody you hate.

But there's like a Democratic version of that where it's like John Voigt.

Kevin Sorbo,

just naming every conservative celebrity.

Yeah.

Scott Kressler.

James Woods.

Well, hold on a second.

Yeah, I don't know.

Wait, one minute here.

Yeah, he's on both lists.

I just want to read a little bit more from the Truth Social post.

He goes on to say,

we are saving our country and making America great again, which will continue to be our complete priority.

The left is imploding.

Cash Patel and the FBI must be focused on investigating voter fraud, political corruption, Act Blue, the rigged and stolen election of 2020 and arresting thugs and criminals instead of spending month after month looking at nothing but the same old radical left inspired documents on jeffrey epstein let pam bondi do her job she's great the 2020 election was rigged and stolen and they tried to do it the same thing in 2024 that's what she is looking into as a g and much more one year ago our country

okay sorry so did they forget to steal it in 2024 i never get this i never get this.

It's the same thing where for when they go, oh, what, once we like do all these ice raids after the first like year of this presidency, watch all these blue states turn red.

And it's like, so are they selectively doing voter fraud?

Like once you catch the illegal immigrants that are voting or whatever, they're like.

duh you got us fair and square you think it would be easier to steal an election when you're in power rather than when you're trying

like when you're trying to win an election not re-election but the first time but uh just lastly he says here this is my favorite part he says, One year ago, our country was dead.

Now it's the hottest country anywhere in the world.

Let's keep it that way and not waste time and energy on Jeffrey Epstein, somebody that nobody cares about.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Man, it would be better to say nothing

like everybody else did, like the Clintons.

They just said nothing.

They weren't out there acknowledging it.

Yeah, the Democrats,

they've chosen, it's a hard choice, you know, attack Trump on this, like, you know, uniquely damaging thing that has the side advantage of ripping his coalition, at least his online entertainer coalition apart, or

get five more Bill Clinton DNC speeches where he looks increasingly hollowed.

It's a tough choice, and I can see why they went with the latter.

But with this,

it really

is like pretending it didn't happen like the Democrats would be better than this.

I mean, again, the worst possible way you could do this.

Yeah.

I don't think this was going to die down, but at least like you could see it, you could see it getting kicked to the side.

You could see it being the ice cubes kicked under the fridge, like the other, you know, mini flare-ups, like the H-1B visa thing early on in the administration.

But he just chooses to go out here and go, oh,

yeah, you know what?

I actually was talking to my friends who have known me for my whole life, and they said that I'm the least likely to kiss a 15-year-old.

It's funny, you guys are still posting about Jeffrey Epstein.

I've been at the gym,

I've been hanging out at the gym, I've been going on dates, I've been doing cool shit.

I actually show these post-Epstein victims, and they actually laugh about how wrong you are.

Yeah, we're all at the bar looking at our phones, like, oh my God, you guys are losers.

you're still on this old meme shit this choogy ass meme

we don't say that shit anymore man we say diddy party we talk about baby oil and diddy parties

you guys are doing the old meme about a pedophile

frankly you guys are diddy ah

man i wish trump would have pardoned diddy I was just hoping and praying that that would happen.

Now, like, I don't think there's probably not a reason for him to do it at this point because he, like, they dropped most of the charges.

Yeah, I just had this like gut feeling that Trump was going to pardon Diddy for some reason.

Like, it wasn't even really going to be explained.

Like, someone just called him on the phone and he said, Oh, he's innocent.

I don't know.

I was sort of different, Alex, but I was seeing, I could see him.

Um, do you know about Lil Dirk's murder case?

Like, have you been following that at all?

A little bit.

So, Lil Dirk basically, like, made a custom like bit moji to like order murders with.

Like, he was not, well, not lit.

I'm just saying, he was not trying to hide it.

Okay, all right.

He, you know, I don't, if you're listening to this and you're trying to get away with like an interstate murder for hire, don't.

My first advice is like, don't do that.

Talk it out.

But if you do, don't do the stuff Lil Dirk did.

He, no one was less careful.

And he's probably going down for for like three like federal murder for hire charges.

And I just, in my mind's eye, I saw Trump pardoning him like three years of the administration.

Like that's a Trump after the rest, like he passes his one evil bill, and then the rest of his legislative agenda stalls.

And then the rest of the administration, the next three years is about like, you know, mini controversies where, you know, he, he appoints Kid Rock to be the ambassador to the UN.

And then like the final year is where he would pardon little Dirk and did it.

Yeah.

It's like a king in the old days who just has a line of people coming up asking for favors.

Alex, I was thinking of that.

Did you see last week when it was like the leaders of a number of African nations came to the White House and he sort of all received them?

And they each tried to like entice him.

Like very, very similar to how I would imagine like, you know, the ancient emperor of Rome, you know, receiving people from the provinces who want, you know, favorable trade negotiations.

And the guy from Senegal was like, you could build the golf course in Senegal.

You like golf, right?

And then Trump just basically, with each of them, was like, wrap it up.

We got to keep this moving.

Yeah.

They just canceled Acon City.

Yeah, yeah.

Someone already tried to do that.

He had that fake city that he was going to build where there was like the...

the giant skyscrapers that are all rounded and they look like metal dildos.

And there was like, it was supposed to be run based on ACOIN, which was like a crypto, but it's not even like, I've never heard anybody mention it outside of a press,

a press release about Acon City.

It's not even a functional shitcoin.

They just canceled that because they built like one welcome center and then they just stopped.

So I guess Trump could do that.

Acon City was like,

I remember, this was like the first neon, was Acon City.

And they were talking about this for like 10 years.

And the budget to build it, this like it was, you know, like a Dubai type mock-up was $6 billion,

which is that's a steal.

Yeah,

yeah, I mean, for a city, yeah,

yeah,

I mean, uh, if I could get like a Jeremiah city for six billion dollars, I would, but Acon, that is, I mean, it would be a steal twice the price.

Uh, just continuing with uh, some of the ongoing uh reactions to uh Trump and the Epstein files, like like you said, Felix, there's been sort of a crack up among the

entertainment sector of

Trump voters.

And just a few of the reactions here, starting with Andrew Schulz.

Yo,

man, he's thinning to make his voters look like a goofy.

And he stands on business.

Yeah, that's that is like, if you're stupid, that's like Walter Cronkite saying Vietnam is on business.

Yeah, yeah.

When Andrew Schultz is like, man, we look like goofies.

Well, he says, I voted for none of this.

Trump is doing the exact opposite.

You voted for all of it.

He was president before Andrew.

He was president for a different race when the first time he was president, but he was still president.

We've got Benny Johnson.

So President Trump has acknowledged that the Epstein files exist here.

President Trump has acknowledged that the files were written and that there is something there.

He says that they were written, however, by his enemies and therefore will not be released.

whoa what and on this video like uh benny looks hollow like you can you can tell how you can tell how uh sort of uh i don't know defeated he is by all yeah it's not fun anymore yeah yeah yeah i mean i mean you have to like for benny it's probably inconceivable for like a public figure to hide a major you know parts of their sex lives like this

like like to lie about it for their image he probably has a lot of trouble like you know, getting into the mind frame of someone who even does that.

But no, Felix, I think you're absolutely right that

for American stupids and podcast listeners, Andrew Schull is saying, I didn't vote for this is the Walter Cronkite moment.

Yeah.

It reminds me of early Obama in Obama's first term where you had all the hope and change and everybody was like on the train and totally like...

like everybody bought into his rhetoric, his speeches and everything, and they were so hopeful.

And then like week one, you would hear people people being like he didn't close gitmo i fucking hate him this fucking piece of shit he didn't fucking do all this shit in the first week we expected him to do and they're just having like a mirror image of that where they they bought all the rhetoric and they got like genuinely into it like this sort of like apolitical low information youth voter who just there's something really cool that like all the people in my demographic are really excited about.

It seems like the people on social media really love this guy.

And then there's like two months of it and it's just a regular politician, just a guy doing what APAC wants and what the Heritage Foundation wants and the Chamber of Commerce.

They're like, wait a minute, this isn't cool.

This isn't cool.

This doesn't appeal to the youth anymore because they're not out there doing meme stuff.

They're not doing the stuff that would just, that would get everybody in the Senate freaked out and probably have the CIA start killing people.

Like, they can't actually do that.

They can't just release the JFK files because it would be cool.

Yeah, Alex, I always thought that was such an unspoken problem with like the most idiotic conversation of all time.

The thing that I think this just finally killed it, this thing of like, well, oh, we need like a guy who could speak to young men for Democrats.

There was this idea, there was this implicit thing that like the Aiden Ross, Andrew Schultz people that got into Trump this time, who, by the way, don't do not constitute like a huge block of support, that they constituted some sort of like permanent conservative majority when in fact it is like the shallowest support you can get.

Because it's not like they're not into this because it's they they you know they own a carding business and they can finally like pay their workers less or like not pay the Obamacare tax.

They are like like you're saying, just someone declared to them that this is the cool thing now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like their demographic.

Right.

It was cool.

Their audience thinks it's cool.

Yeah.

Now their audience is getting angry so that they're like, they're looking for an off-ramp.

It's not fun.

Just like how it was cool for them to like make their profile a black square in 2020 and how quickly that went away.

Yeah.

Like it's it's incredibly shallow because it is just all cultural signifiers.

Yeah, it's just what people are into at the time, which has always happened.

It goes back to like George McGovern, probably.

Like all the boomers who got really into that stuff.

The people who were really into the the hippie movement for a couple years because that was what was cool.

And then, like, they inherited their parents' house or whatever, for or they bought a house for $10,000.

And then suddenly they were like, you know what?

Richard Nixon's okay.

Yeah, I don't really care about this stuff anymore.

You know, Watergate kind of disillusioned me.

I don't give a fuck anymore.

Yeah, they

finally got a job when they were like 31 at a company called like MicroStrategy, and it went public and they made $700 million.

And they're like, I think that the Ayatollah embarrassed us.

Yeah,

that's just, that's so much of the voter block is just the dumb Americans.

And I don't know what you do with that.

Alex, that is, what do you do with that?

That is like, I have thought about that too, because I've taught, like, I don't know how many like regular libs you know, but I know a few, just like people that I've known from like something, from like MMA stuff who are still like Biden dead enders to an extent.

And I've had arguments with them since November.

And the thing that I always tell them is like, how are you still acting like, yeah, like you guys fucked this all up with your Gaza stuff, but we're going to get back there now and we're going to fix this.

Like how has this, how has this not been a massively demoralizing experience for you?

Not just in Biden's presidency, but in the fact that you like culture can now turn around so quick and just as quickly as Trump became cool and then uncool as he is now.

The next Democratic president that will govern like a normal Democrat and have that same

thing of like, what the fuck?

This isn't cool.

He's doing, you know, third way.

He's doing a budget neutral stimulus bill.

The same things happen again.

How, like, how do you think you have any shot in like some type of like democratic control over the executive for the next like 20 years to even undo any of this?

Yeah, it must be so terrifying that there was that youth movement toward the Republican Party that like this idea that the Democrats are always going to win forever because of demographics, because they're just younger voters and the average young person supports the Democrats.

Like that was just like the rug was just pulled out on that.

They still have the majority, but like that hope is gone.

And And then they have to come up with something to replace it, and they have nothing.

It's just Joe Biden.

Remember, Joe Biden?

Kamala Harris.

What about Gavin Newsome?

Is he cool?

Like, it's stuff that just, like, the average dumb young person who's not committed to politics already, like, that just doesn't appeal to him.

And it's, it's really hard to find that ephemeral thing that appeals to that average dumb voter who's just always got a zin in

watching Instagram reels all day, and they're like, like,

they might support gay people in one conversation.

And then, like, they have another conversation.

They're like, yeah, those people should be killed.

I'm Christian now.

Yeah.

Like, I'm a Christian, no-fat guy.

And then, like, two hours later, they're like, yeah, I'm a gooner.

Yeah.

Like, that's the person that you have to appeal to.

And, like, I don't know how you even do that.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, like, like a guy, a guy with like a crucifix in his name, and then you, you scroll back like two weeks and just tag photos and he's like dressed up in a mate outfit and getting farted on.

Like,

what do you even do?

Yeah, like a guy who's like, his picture is like a

Roman gladiator, and he's got the cross in his name.

And then you click on his feed, and his like most recent reply is like to an AI porn account.

And it's like, I would eat your pussy any time of the month, I don't care.

And it's like those people now are demoralized on Trump.

And, like, again, yeah, they have the majority among young people.

And,

you know, just, you know, gun to my head now, things favor them in the midterms and the next presidential election, just based on trends.

But

what happens after the first week of that presidency?

Do you think Gavin Newsom is not going to become like massively unpopular?

It's just going to be this.

It's just, this is the plan.

You have three and a half years of a Brandon.

The next like shitty Republican, like JD Vance or fucking Tom Cotton takes over.

The stuff they do is so incredibly unpopular that it brandons them.

Young people swing back and it's just, you know, maybe a couple two-term presidents in there.

But for the most part, just trading off bags of shit during a time when

like these implicit guarantee, these things that were implicit guarantees of American life for middle class prosperity are going to be disappearing rapidly.

Yeah.

I just, yeah, how do you not kill yourself if you're like a regular lib?

Yeah.

And like all the politicians they have less like staying power than they used to just because of influencer culture and the way that we think of stuff now where everything's on your phone and you can just scroll past it like if you don't like somebody you can just scroll past it if you don't like something you can just mute it you have like unlimited choices and like people are less patient for something that like really sucks and you just kind of have to live with because we're not used to that.

We're not used to having a president where we have to say like, well, that's the guy.

I don't know.

You can't really complain.

Because we're used to having this choice, having this infinite choice over everything.

And it means that, like, having a guy that sucks, having a guy who's like, sort of okay, who like maybe agrees with you on some stuff and the rest of the time he sucks, like, that just doesn't have as much purchase with people anymore.

Because they're like, why do I need to do that?

Like, I can find somebody online who agrees with me 100%.

I can find influencers who agree with me 100%.

So why should I have to settle for this random guy that I don't like?

And I think he sucks.

And all of his videos just depress me.

I'm like, I hate looking at him.

And he's like, his voice pisses me off.

I was going to say a little, like, I think, I think, I think the way out of this trap for either political party, Alex, I think you hit the nail on the head earlier, is to just move on to like new and more scandalous celebrity sex abuse and pedophilia scandals.

Like the Democrats should be demanding the release of the Diddy files.

And

we need more baby oil related press conferences.

And, you know, like just gum up the works of government until we can just create some new scandals.

Yeah.

That was such bad timing for Trump that the Diddy trial kind of wrapped up around then.

Like if that had just gone on like three more weeks, if that had been in the news.

when he was doing the Epstein thing.

Yeah.

That was gone.

So it was only the Epstein story.

Yeah.

You could tell that they were trying to gear up to make Diddy like the new Epstein and like, I don't know, like make him like a Democratic affiliated celebrity, which he kind of was, but it's like, it's not like Epstein where there's actual things you can point to where it's like, yeah, Bill Clinton was on this flight.

With Diddy, like, yeah, I, you know, Obama went to a party, but no one, not even the biggest crank thinks Obama was like, you know, literally like, okay, I'm here.

I took a picture with you.

When are you going to let me molest kevin hart

yeah yeah the people that it implicates are like people who are as famous as diddy or less famous it's like meek mill and usher and people like that which just doesn't have that much that doesn't do that much unless you're a huge fan of them the difference between like the president being implicated and like meek mill who like probably did like a photo op with Josh Shapiro like five years ago.

And Meek Mill wasn't even a perpetrator.

The whole thing is that like, Diddy fucked him.

It's not even a crime, he just had gay sex with Diddy.

That's not illegal.

Yeah, yeah, plus, every kid thinks it's the funniest thing in the world.

That sort of happened a little bit with Epstein, but with Diddy, I think that sort of overtook the rage a little bit.

Just having like every person under the age of 20 being like, Diddy party, Diddy party, Riz, baby oil.

Yeah, I mean, that's incredibly, um, that's incredibly just uh depressing.

That, yeah, this incredible, like, this is like a really sordid story, and he got away with it again.

Basically, like, this guy's gotten away with everything his entire career.

And people, like, uh, I'm not gonna say zoomers, that's too broad, but there is like a type of stupid young person where it's like they literally think that like federal agents busted into his house because they heard he was being gay with baby oil

and not like

an elaborate like sexual torture ring.

Yeah.

Like firebombing Kid Cudi's car and going into his house and opening his Christmas presents.

Yeah, you set Kid Cuddy's car on fire because he was talking to Cassie.

He's a really crazy guy, dude.

But yeah, it's sort of like Jen Alpha's version of what we had with Michael Jackson jokes.

Yeah.

Or when we were like 12, like if you brought up Michael Jackson, it was like Jesus juice.

It was like the M ⁇ M parodies of Michael Jackson and like

how is Michael Jackson like a PlayStation?

They're made of plastic and they both get turned on by little kids.

Like shit like that.

It was like, that was also as depressing because he also got away with it and they turned it into a joke.

And I guess the same thing just happened with Diddy where it's a joke.

It's a joke for middle schoolers and he's just going to go scot-free.

Do you think with Diddy, they're going to do the same like posthumous thing that people do with Michael Jackson now, where it's like he was trying to warn us about Jewish people.

Yeah, he was the one celebrity who wasn't a pedophile.

Yeah.

And that's why they, that's why they tarnished him.

Yeah.

Just

one last reaction from the, like I said, the Trump entertainment political complex.

Charlie Kirk today said, I'm done talking about Epstein for the time being.

I'm going to trust my friends in the administration.

Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah.

And I guess the other angle here is because this is largely due to Trump and his attorney general,

back in the news cycle, I've noticed

the libs have to have

their say on the Epstein thing.

And I think basically the angle they're going with is that

there is no such thing as the Epstein client list, which they're probably right about.

But like,

you know, I'm just quoting from Jordan Wiseman here.

He says, I absolutely understand why Democrats want to fan this Epstein controversy.

But if Trump is hiding incriminating info, what's the explanation for why Biden didn't order it released?

Like, if you're a Dem, this is a chance to crap, crack Trump's base of cranks and maybe even win a handful of them back.

You want him tweeting all day about Epstein, but then what?

Is the argument that Merrick Garland was too principled about documents?

He says, people seem to think that I'm asking for an actual reason.

No, I think this list probably just doesn't exist.

I'm asking what reasons Democrats would come up with for their version of the lore.

And like, look, I don't think there is this.

Like, I think probably most of the prominent people and politicians associated with this that you already know about.

Like,

I don't think there's gonna, like, there's some list out there of like hundreds of other people that, like, you, you've never considered that are all implicated by this.

But, like, what I think is spelled out there is probably, like, any number of the like glaring leads in this investigation that were just simply not followed up on.

I think there are files in terms of like the evidence seized from his Manhattan apartment that we probably don't know about.

But, like, I mean, I guess the answer for why the Democrats wouldn't do this, like, the obvious one one would be Bill Clinton.

But I don't know, Catherine and I were talking about this last night.

Like, would it really be like that suicidal for Democrats to just cut this guy off along with maybe Mill Gates and Reid Hoffman?

Like,

if Biden had just like sunk him with this shit, like, would you, wouldn't, wouldn't that have benefited him in the long run?

Yeah, absolutely.

But, like, you could say that about any number of things with Democrats,

where you look at the way they do these, a bunch of things, and you go, this is, you know, malpractice for a political party, for any politician to do things this way.

But when

you see it less as a political party and more as like,

I don't know, like a group of super friends who are all enriching each other's consultancies, then it does make more sense.

I mean, I totally agree with you.

Like that, that the idea of like a literal client list is, I mean, it is, if I were more conspiratorial, I would say that there has been a deliberate framing of this case since 2018 and 2019 by like right-wing

influencers who like took took a hold of it, who are trying to frame this case in such a way that like everyone who follows them will forever be looking for that one silver bullet, like knockout blow that definitively proves that, you know, Trump went up to Epstein in like 1993 and was like, you and me, we're done.

And then that.

Yeah, I have my own daughter now.

Yeah.

She just turned 10, so I'm good.

Yeah.

Vertical integration.

But

like all the things that like exonerated Trump and like proved that like all like that the Clintons are caught red-handed.

When, of course, like the incriminating things are, like you said, these things that like are incredibly suspicious, either incredibly suspicious sets of coincidences or circumstances or records of payments or details from other lawsuits or correspondences between Epstein and Brunel and Peter Mendelssohn.

But for Joe Biden, I just, I don't even think, I don't even think it was a conscious thought.

I don't think he ever entertained this as an idea.

Yeah.

They always think Trump's never going to win again.

Yeah.

They're always in that mindset, which is sort of like, we don't, we don't need to do this, right?

Because yeah, because like they both don't want to do it, he's he's it will never be taken seriously.

They don't want to actually go that hard, they don't want to actually put like the incriminating stuff out there, and they kind of rationalize it to themselves as, well, he's not going to win anyway.

There's no way he's going to win.

Like, why would he win?

Like, we just impeached him.

He's like charged with 42 felony counts.

Like, why would this guy ever win again?

We wouldn't have to do anything.

Right.

Why would I go through the trouble of like, you know, angering my friends at West Exact who are, you know, now billing,

you know, Peter Mendelsohn, who's for now that he's the new ambassador to America.

Why would I go through the trouble of like possibly aggravating someone in my professional circles?

Yeah.

Also, you can argue that it wouldn't have that much of an effect because everybody on the right would say it's doctored or it's AI or it's just completely made up.

And a lot of the names on it, people wouldn't recognize.

Like you would have to listen to Truanon to really recognize the names, to know who like Leon Black is, and be like, oh, my fucking God, they finally got him.

Like, I feel like it would just be, it wouldn't amount to that much.

And also, Joe Biden's explanation for it would be like, so you got this file, and well, you got the names on here.

And back when I was coming up, you had, you know, young girls in the office, and you, you know, you had the secretary, and they wore a short skirt.

They had a mini skirt, and then someone would, like, push him off the podium, and he would just walk away.

I was, Alex, I was always interested in that.

Like, Biden, he's never been implicated in the Epstein stuff, but he wasn't cool enough.

He didn't get invited.

Well, yeah, yeah.

I always thought, like, what did he make?

Like, I always imagined that he thought, like, that the thing was Jeffrey Epstein was just like a gay guy and he didn't know any of it.

He was like, I think it's amazing they can have their own airplanes now.

Yeah, me and my father.

I was driving with my father back in the 70s, and we we saw Jeffrey Epstein with a car full of Donald Trump and Leon Black and a bunch of kids.

They said,

that's okay.

That's love.

That's love just like any other.

I said, Dad, I don't get it.

If I had my own plane, I'd be calling

all my buddies.

I would be hanging out with a bunch of skirts.

I wouldn't have all these kids around.

He said, he said, he said, Joe, those are called hags.

Well,

just like the final angle here that I want to talk about in terms of the, I don't know, like what could be in these files, whether they exist or not, that's preventing their disclosure from two separate Republican and Democratic presidential administrations, seemingly like, you know, and what could very well benefit them.

Well, I think an answer to that lies in this statement by Naftali Bennett.

As a former Israeli prime minister, with the Mossad having reported directly to me, I say to you with 100% certainty, the accusation that Jeffrey Epstein somehow worked for Israel or the Mossad running a blackmail ring is categorically and totally false.

Who, I, I, when I saw this, I thought, who is this convincing for?

Because it's like, well, they're denying it.

Right.

Well, they have to tell you if they're a Mossad agent if you ask them.

Yeah.

If the most honest country in the world is saying it, like, do you think there are any circumstances where Naftali Bennett goes, okay,

you got us.

like without having his arm twisted.

If you can't take his word for it, then who can you trust?

Sure enough, Jonathan Martin.

No, that's the next thing I want to talk about.

Because, like, Jonathan Martin of Politico quote tweeted this and he said, Would this be a good time to remind people that politics is more Veep than House of Cards?

Sorry to disappoint the conspiracy mongers, but the Peter principle is usually the safest explanation.

See also your own workplace.

You know, it's funny that he brings up your own workplace because Politico is owned by that psycho-German who like makes you sign a loyalty oath to Israel to work for the company.

Also, he brings up House of Cards, which is starring a famous pedophile who has his victims murdered.

He's like an evil villain who like appears on TV, like tinting his fingers saying, yep, they all committed suicide, and I'm still here.

I never get in trouble.

It's weird stuff like that can happen.

It's weird there are guys like that out there.

Shake with your right hand, but hold a rock in your left.

Yeah,

all these things that I thought, you know, as a young rotten library reader, like, oh my God, if that happened,

we could do Occupy Wall Street everywhere.

That would be the government.

But no, those things happen.

And then Andrew Schultz goes, damn, I think that's cap.

And then life goes on.

It just doesn't matter.

As Sidney Pollack said in Eyes Wide Shut, life goes on until it doesn't.

But you know that already.

Life goes on, shouty.

There's too much political slop, there's too much political brain rot.

Yeah.

The Jordan Weissman thing was, I don't think this is super widespread, but I have seen a few people do this.

The sort of like, you really think that there were other people who were involved.

Oh, you, I bet you think he was blackmailing people, which,

you know, talk about crackpot realism.

This idea that,

you know, there is no client list in so much as the way that like it is most salaciously described, which sure, but that they take this to mean that there were no clients or no participants.

And this is like, this is

the anti-conspiracist interpretation of these events, which,

again,

to remind people,

this would suggest that Lex

Wexner gave fucking Jeffrey Epstein real estate worth hundreds of millions of dollars because he was cool, that Bill Barr's dad hired this college dropout because of his manners,

that how did Epstein make all his money?

Winning the lottery.

He traded C.S.

Go skins.

Leon Black, the private equity titan,

one of the most powerful financiers in the world at the time, that he paid Jeffrey Epstein like $200 million for tax advice.

Leon Black just could not find like an accountant.

He couldn't access

a top-tier accounting firm.

And he had to go to this Jeffrey Epstein guy who gave him advice that was worth hundreds of millions of dollars.

That all of this happened, and the only participants were Jeffrey Epstein and Ghillane Maxwell.

I mean, that is, I think that's more insane than like any

assumption that I've heard.

Like that is.

Felix, it reminds me of when Christopher Hitchens claimed that his good friend Ahmed Chalabi was capable of breaking Iranian intelligence signals and codes, not because he was a double-dealing con man, but because he was extraordinarily gifted at math.

Yeah, it just, it's, I don't even know what these people get out of still doing that.

I think it's less that they are trying to pull the wool over people's eyes as it is.

They're trying to pull it over their own eyes.

Yeah, exactly.

Because they know that

a full disclosure of any of this stuff is

not likely to look shine kindly on the, I don't know,

the figures and ideological movements that they're seeking to promote.

But I always want to go back real quick to Jonathan Martin in that like he sort of tries to like

hand a wave away all this stuff by,

you know, like the comparison between House of Cards and Veep.

And the idea is, like, you know, it's seductive to think that DC runs like House of Cards, i.e., that there are, you know,

Machiavellian,

evil, psychopathic, you know, operators who are sort of pulling the strings and orchestrating these grand conspiracies in which, you know, witnesses and, you know, are killed or commit suicide.

But like, the smart, savvy opinion is to to know that dc operates like veep in which like you know uh venal and shallow uh oaths uh bumble their way in and out of disaster i just like i don't think the veep reading of dc is particular like the the epsilon scandal and everything it implies is wholly compatible with the veep view of washington dc yeah you can 100 you can have fumbling idiots who are also know about sex trafficking operations going on and say oh I don't know.

Like in Veep,

where

she endorses the anti-gay marriage thing, even though she knows it's evil because it's like,

well, I got to do this.

It's my job.

I don't know.

Like people would, those type of bumbling idiots who are self-serving, like they would sign off on that.

They would say, yeah, let's just sweep this under the rug.

Who cares?

It's not worth losing my job.

Like, I've, I've compromised my principles enough to get here.

Like, I'm not going to put myself on the, I'm not going to take a bullet for these people.

I don't care.

Yeah.

I mean, I guess you could say that it's, as a compromise, that it's like the seminal British TV show, Jim will fix it.

Yeah, they're.

Yeah, they look silly and goofy.

And some of them wear track suits and a lot of jewelry.

Yeah.

But they're actually

the stuff they do,

it's almost as bad as what

Diddy did with the baby oil.

And again, like

Jonathan Martin of Politico, just being like, as soon as the representative of the Israeli government just states that like, it's 100% false, that like, case closed, case closed, we can put this one to bed.

Well, I mean, to Martin's point, that is something that a character in Veep might do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, nothing more to see here.

Well, speaking of

things to see,

I did see this story.

They're making more of them every day.

There's more things to see.

I love that.

I love things with visual resonance.

There are things everywhere for those with the eyes to see.

No, this is about

Governor Greg Abbott of Texas says his state's emails with Elon Musk are, quote, too intimate and embarrassing to make public.

Are they buying his comb?

What's going on here?

What is this?

Is there like a lawsuit?

Is someone someone trying to subpoena these emails?

What's going on?

What if he's trying to sell him on some sort of like cybernetic E-STIM technology that can get the cum out of his dick?

Because Greg Abbott is paralyzed below the waist, right?

Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

Elon Musk, he has the botched dick surgery, so he has to use some sort of contraption to get the cum out.

So maybe he's trying to sell him that.

Like, hey, you could get load after load out of you with this thing.

You could just strap it on and you could have offspring all over the world.

Oh, and like

they are selling that, like, um,

they have some stupid name for their robot.

Are they like, Greg Abbott, we're going to put your personality on a on a flash drive and we're going to put it into one of our robots and you're finally going to be able to play basketball again?

We're going to put you into a Roomba.

No, let's answer your question.

This is part of an effort to track the billionaire's influence in the state capitol.

The Texas newsroom in April requested Abbott and his staff's emails since last fall with Musk and other people who have an email address associated with some of his companies.

It says Matthew Taylor, Abbott's public information coordinator, gave several reasons the records should not be released.

He argued they include private exchanges with lawyers, details about policymaking decisions, and information that reveal

how the state entices companies to invest here.

Releasing them to the public, he wrote, would have a chilling effect on the frank and open discussion necessary for the decision-making process.

Aren't we kind of past this?

Like with the shit Elon Musk tweets?

Like, aren't we kind of past this?

The idea that there's like,

like, we don't want to expose that there's corruption, that people are bribing governors to move stuff places.

Like, we're just doing that in the open.

We're doing that with the tariffs.

We're just every single.

Every single lever you can pull in the government is being used as a threat or a bribe to somebody.

And they're just doing it out in the open.

And their base defends it.

Like, what would even happen?

What would happen if there were emails saying that Elon Musk was trying to

give Greg Abbott a bribe to move some Tesla shit over there?

Yeah, like every

foreign visit now is like whatever foreign leader auditioning to Trump, like what they will give him for like, you know, a tariff, a tariff exception.

If they don't have like a dominant industry that will like scare the Trump people into like granting exceptions sight unseen like with China.

Could you imagine what would happen if like ethically dubious cryptocurrencies just deposited $150 million in the president's bank account?

Yeah.

Imagine if that were to clean.

Yeah, they're doing pump and dumps in the White House just openly.

Try even to hide any of it.

They're just doing it out in front of us and their base thinks it's great.

They say, well, the Democrats do it too.

Look at Hunter Biden and also, fuck you.

What are you going to cry about It that people are making money.

You're a fucking bitch.

Fuck you.

Like, that's just how people talk now.

They don't care.

Oh, you oh, you don't see the point in the first lady having a coin?

Suck my dick.

I had to, I had, I had to miss church for six months.

Yeah.

All right.

A little bit earlier, we

discussed Joe Biden.

And just, I want to get to one thing about

Biden.

He just gave an interview with the New York Times, commenting on his basically the clemency decisions that were made in the waning hours of his administration.

And I think it's always nice to check back on how Brandon is doing, how he's feeling, and what he's thinking.

I guess he's like, this is in the news because the Trump administration and his surrogates have tried to make a big deal of the sort of the use of the auto pen and all of this.

And so the Times reached reached out to Biden and to get some of his thoughts on this.

So first, on who made the clemency decisions.

Biden says, I made every single one of those, and including the categories when we set this up to begin with.

And so, but I understand why Trump would think that, because obviously, I guess he doesn't focus much anyway.

So, yes, I made every decision.

And then he says, on why an auto pen was used to sign the warrants.

And he says, because there were a lot of them.

On the use of that auto pen, he says, the Auto Pen is, you know, legal.

As you know, other presidents used it, including Trump.

But the point is that, you know, we're talking about a whole lot of people.

Honestly, you should be able to use Touch ID or Face ID to do that.

Yeah.

Like, you should be able to just hold your phone up to it.

He says, on Trump and other Republicans saying Biden was incapacitated and his aides abused the Auto Pen.

They're liars.

They know it.

They know for certain.

I mean, this is, look at what they've, they've had a pretty good thing going here.

They've done so badly.

They've lied so consistently about almost everything they're doing.

The best thing they can do is try to change the focus and focus on something else.

And this is, I think, that's what this is about.

It's, you know, it's consistent with Trump's game plan all along.

I mean, if I, I don't expect you to answer any questions, but if I told you three years ago we'd have a present president doing this, I'd think you'd look me in the eye and say, what are you crazy?

I think I would have responded to Biden that way if he told me or said anything to me.

I hate it when these guys go in for these supposedly candid interviews and have these slick, prepared lines like this.

Just a perfect monologue that they can recite.

Man, would it really even matter if Jake Sullivan was signing all those papers?

Like, who cares?

Like, it wouldn't even be good if he was signing them all by hand.

Like, he shouldn't have been president.

Does it even matter?

Yeah, we

saw him like die so many times.

Like, he doesn't know where he is.

He doesn't know his own name like i don't it who cares the whole thing is a charade we saw it doesn't matter if someone else signed it we saw his staffers like his staffers would have to like jolt him and do admin kick when his scripting path got fucked up like remember when he would he would do oppressor and then try to like wander into the wall like a sim yeah he would find like the invisible

on the stage Yeah, his body man would like, they would just go, okay, just hit him a few times.

It seems to reset him.

You put him in a room, and he's like a game tester.

He's just bumping into every object to see, like, if you can get stuck on anything, if there's a glitch.

This is how we used to do collision testing back when I was a kid.

You got to go in every corner.

You got to bump into every bookshelf because you might get stuck and just go around in a circle.

You have to reset the whole system.

He says, on granting preemptive pardons to his family.

He replies, in terms of my fam, he, go after me through my family i know how in terms of wait sorry will did he say in terms of my fam i he he did but like i don't think he was saying he's trying to win over andrew schultz

you know i've done you know i've done a hell of a lot of things in my life did a thousand things got a car i've one thing i'll tell you one thing i'll tell you anthony i never capped i mean you can put that on the bank

i mean this is just how it's written in the times i think he begins to say family and then and then he pauses and says he go after me through my family i know how vindictive he is i mean everybody knows how vindictive he is so we knew that they'd do what they're doing now laughs

we knew they do what they're doing now

and uh this is like on orally communicating his decisions to aides well first of all there's categories so you know they aren't reading names off for the communications communications of those who had been home confinements for during the pandemic.

I'm going to read that one again.

Yeah, please.

So, you know, they aren't reading names off for the commutations for those who had been home confinements for during the pandemic.

So the only thing that we really read off names for were, for example, you know, I was what I was going to do about, for instance, Mark Miley.

Mark's a good guy.

We know how vindictive Trump is, and I no doubt they would have gone after Mark for no good reason.

The general, you know, so they may read off his name.

What I want.

I told him, is this Casper Hauker?

Why do they even let him out anymore?

Yeah.

What is being gained by that?

I mean, Biden definitely is one of those old people where it's like, what the hell you mean?

I can't drive anymore.

Yeah.

And then he just plows through the town's post office.

Fuck you.

He's like, he's not letting anyone take anything away from him.

I'm sure, like,

Hunter was his chief enabler

during the Brandon bunker like end period.

So I'm sure that like that there are like there are like, you know, West exec shitheads surrounding him that are trying to prevent this from happening.

And Hunter is like, what do you mean?

He's going to prove how sharp he is.

And he's finally going to take these assholes that,

you know, that derided his administration to task.

Going on, he says, on deciding to pardon former Alabama governor Don Siegelman, then changing his mind the next day.

That's a good prank.

That is pretty good.

Like being some piece of shit, governor, and being like, oh, I'm getting away with it again.

Whoops.

No, you're not.

Yeah, texting all your friends.

You're on JPEG using the rest of your commissary money.

I'm about to get out, dude.

I'm about to get out, dude.

It's going to be so sick.

Party at my place.

Rent a limo to take me home.

So, yeah, this is on Don Siegelman.

He says, look, Siegelman was out of jail.

He had served his time and there was no, so he wasn't in jeopardy.

And what I concluded was there's, and these aren't as easy decisions, but there are a lot of people who are considered for pardons.

And I was proud I ran the process I ran.

These decisions took time.

In this case, I viewed the facts, reflected on it a bit more, and deliberated more on it with my team, and decided not to grant the pardon.

And I didn't make this decision quickly.

I made it thoroughly and after significant discussions.

No, no one thinks you made it quickly.

I'll make that clear right now.

Yeah.

He should have pardoned all the January 6th people.

Like, imagine if he had done that on his last day.

Just imagine how weird that would have been.

Like, what would the Republicans have done?

What would Trump do?

What would he say?

Put him back in jail.

Yeah, put him back in jail.

These Democrats.

No, like, Biden should have pardoned all the January 6 people and thanked them for their efforts in helping him do the false flag to make Trump look bad.

Oh, yeah, that would have been

like when the Thank you for instigating violence at the Capitol.

You really made it, it merely made him look bad.

Yeah, I'd like to thank all my agents who participated in the operation.

And then posthumously give the Medal of Honor to Ashley Babbitt.

Yeah.

Doing that thing that the FBI does where they'll just like pick up a random mobster and like conspicuously drive around with him in the back so he has to

rat now because everyone already thinks he's a rat.

That would be, I mean, if he wasn't senile, he would have done that.

That would be awesome.

God.

Trump just ordered, just kills all of them.

Yeah, they know too much.

On adding a last-minute pardon for former South Carolina politician after Representative Jim Clyburn lobbied for it.

Well, you know, Jim, when Jim asks, you know, you answer, he says, says, the case that Jim, and I have a lot of, I have great faith in Jim, the case he made, the plea he made at the very end was that he made a compelling case that he was a person who had dedicated his life to public service, Cromarty.

Since his release from prison, he became really involved in the community, helping underprivileged kids, staying active with his church, and he's someone who had been praised for his leadership and compassion for others.

So the very thing that he sort of got in trouble for, he was not only served time, but he was making up for it.

And I believe granting him the pardon was the right thing to do.

Why does he even need the pardon?

Who is this guy, Cromarty?

What is this referring to?

Do you guys have any idea?

I don't know.

Cromarty?

I've never heard of him.

But if he's out of jail and it's not like a high-profile thing, like pardoning Jack Johnson or some atrocity like that from back in the day, like the guy's out of jail.

He's

just in the community.

Like, what does he be?

Is this old guy going to try to get a job and he's like, like, he can't can't work for Amazon because he's got a felony?

Like we're talking about like an 80-year-old guy who's like at a yeah, this is what are we doing?

This is uh William E.W.

Crow Marty, who was a South Carolina politician who served prison time for tax evasion.

Okay, okay, so we know this is a final final favor for Clyburn.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is I can't look at Crow Marty and

this is this is the best answer, though.

Wait, no, he says, what he was doing now, that was almost a

continuation of his apology for what the hell happened when he made when he committed the offense.

So I agreed with Jim, and I pardoned him.

And he's still a decent, this guy is still engaged, stayed engaged with the community.

So, that guy's 74.

Like, what does it matter if he has a felony on his record?

Who gives a shit?

Yeah.

And like, also, also, like, when he says, like, he gets out of prison for tax evasion, and then he's like being active in the community and like his church.

Like, that's something you say about like a gang member who gets out of prison after killing someone.

Like, it's like, oh, like, wow, like this,

this politician gets out of jail and then reconnects with the community.

Also, you know what doesn't pay taxes?

The church.

Yeah.

So that's just a form of tax evasion.

Yeah.

It's like

the community is where like a shitty bag man for Jim Clyburn like does all his crime.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Yeah, I do love that, though.

It's like we had to do this so he could move out of his halfway house.

Girls on Tinder were asking Crow Marty if he was a felon, and he didn't want to lie to them.

Yeah.

Like, if someone gets out of jail for a felony and you say, Yeah, they've just been sitting in their room.

They don't come out of their house anymore.

They just like sit in their room.

Like, that's probably better.

It's like, oh, yeah, well, okay.

I don't want him out in the community.

Like, that doesn't.

That's where it happened.

That's the scene of the crime is the community.

Yeah.

I don't know, like, the mechanics of like, however Jim cliburn is like you know getting his porch refinished but i imagine it involves a lot of guys like this like well feel like around the community i'm glad you asked that uh he does it by he starts by painting his porch and then waits to the neighborhood kids ask him what he's doing and then he's

cliburn was the first guy to do that that's how old he is listen we're pardoning huckfin he didn't mean he didn't mean to say all those things this is my this is my favorite answer to the that he gives us a question It says, on why he did not commute the sentences of three death row inmates to life without parole when he did so for the other 37.

So I apparently like he took 37 people off death row except for three guys.

And he says those three, because they became, they were involved in what were major, major issues relating to terrorism and crimes that were had national implications.

One, for example, I was deeply involved in the one having to do with the church and I was down there.

I don't know what that's referring to, maybe Dylan Roof.

He just says, it just seemed to me that it was going to be, it was just a bridge too far.

And so that's why I didn't pardon those three, because they had a national implication that stood for things beyond the crime they committed.

It was a reflection of what they did to the entire nation and the community.

And so

that's why I withheld them.

I spoke to the Pope about this, by the way.

I was, I had a discussion about, he called me to congratulate me on keeping my word about not supporting the death penalty.

What, except for those three guys?

It's like, either you support the death penalty or you don't.

Will, do they ask him about how he commuted the sentence of that judge who uh that judge in Pennsylvania Cash for Kids guy?

Yeah,

I don't think that that isn't the New York Times dossier of questions.

No, that was shocking.

It's like the pardoning the turkey thing.

Like, I didn't kill one of them.

Yeah.

Like, what are you getting across morally here?

I don't know.

Is that, is that good like i don't know

i don't get it and no and he says uh so he the pope called him he called me to congratulate me on keeping my word about not supporting the death penalty but i told him i couldn't do the last three and that's that's the reason because it's sort of like you know the guy who you know i'm i'm making this up assassinates abraham lincoln

He forgot the name of John Wilkes Booth.

He says, you don't.

I'm making this up.

We don't want to make him famous.

We don't want to make him famous.

He wants to be remembered.

Yeah.

He goes,

sorry, I just got to keep reading these twice.

But I told him I couldn't do the last three.

And

that's the reason because it's sort of like, you know, the guy who, you know, I'm making this up, assassinates Abraham Lincoln.

You don't, you know, you know, you don't, you don't, you can't pardon him because there's such a gigantic implication for things that could go well beyond the individual murder.

That was my decision anyway.

Some thought I should have, but I decided not to do those three.

It's good that he clarified that it's not a real story.

He didn't actually have the pardon letter for John Wilkes Booth on his desk.

It would be like 217.

Well, like, and it's like, why would you need to use that as an example when you're talking, they're asking you about the actual three cases where you like.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, like maybe they would have hypothetically killed a president.

It's like on that level of seriousness.

But then Andrew Johnson came along.

Andrew Johnson, he came along after Lincoln died and said like, oh, it's all good.

Don't worry about it.

They still executed like the actual killers, but they gave clemency to a lot of people over a lot of things.

John Williams Booth also wasn't,

they never even successfully apprehended him.

He was on the run and they caught him in some farmhouse.

And then Boston Coribet, who was like a,

I'll just say he was lucky he was around before Melanie Mac because he would have been a Melanie Mac replaced.

Yeah, didn't he cut his dick off or something?

Yes, he did.

Yes, he did.

Because he couldn't stop jacking off.

Yeah, Boston Corbett was just like a mentally ill, like crazy Christian guy who cut his own cock off because of the temptations.

But he shot John Wilkes Booth.

You know, he said he was like reaching for something.

You should have just let that guy jack off.

No one was.

I mean, no one was stopping him.

Yeah, he did it to himself.

Back then, you couldn't hear a single voice that would say, it's okay, just go jack off.

Don't worry about it, man.

You live in the 1800s.

Everything sucks.

Just go jack off.

Who cares?

Oh, my God.

Alex, if I lived back then, that's all I would do.

It's like there's no flight simulators.

Yeah.

You can't even charge your Steam Deck.

Yeah, there's no games.

There's no computers.

You have to walk everywhere.

Everything smells like shit.

Eat some hardtack and corn pome.

Break out your favorite drawing of a lady's ankle that's etched into a whale's tooth and go to town, bud.

It's the best you're going to feel for the

life.

Boston Corbett didn't even have like a 39-year-old woman who was like, I'm Christian now, but not one of those abolitionist ones.

Like he didn't have like a woman like that that he could give his one penny a month he earned his union sold her to.

Yeah, working in a gold mine and sending it to a woman.

A woman who's like writing letters.

She's like the newspaper columnist.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, cutting your dick off to stop yourself from jacking off, that is her the equivalent of, you know, if you're a delivery driver, you keep falling on your pizzas and giving money to your delivery customers so they'll rate you higher.

Yeah, like I used to work for the Pony Express and he would always fall off the horse.

I'm imagining a Civil War era Melanie Mac

only reading the sections of the Bible that referred to the curse of ham.

yeah.

I'm not gonna say he would have been better served by her existing back then, but maybe he would have, you know, he cut it off, he cut everything off, and then he went to a Bible study for like three hours.

But, like, how did he stop himself from bleeding to death?

He apparently, like, he did whatever you do, I don't know, like caught

a hot knife or something,

yeah, like a hot iron or something.

Like, oh, god, oh,

yeah, come on, it's it's so insane to like make being alive in 1860 suck even more, but he did it.

Yeah.

Yeah, just chill out, man.

Yeah, but you're going to die anyway.

It just doesn't matter.

And John Wilkes Booth was like a famous act.

Imagine if he was famous.

Yeah, from the most famous acting family.

Imagine if Jacob Ellerdy

got killed by like

by Lingle.

Like if Jacob Ellerdy killed Joe Biden and then was on the run and then Lingle was like, boom, I got him.

And then Lingle cuts his own dick off.

Man.

We need to have stuff like that happen again.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean,

better that than living in Veep.

And they don't do that shit in Veep.

No one cuts anything off.

Yeah, the only thing they cut off is someone while they're talking to drop a witty insult.

All right, gentlemen, I think that does it for today's episode.

Alex, thanks for hanging out with us.

Thanks for having me.

Once again, year zero, Chapo Comics Anthology, available for pre-order at badegg.co.

Link in the show description.

Please, everyone, check it out.

Get those pre-orders in if you want, or even if you don't want.

Actually, you don't have a choice in the matter.

If you're listening to the show right now, you are contractually obligated to pre-order a copy of our coming comics anthology.

So that does it for today's episode, everyone.

Till next time, bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.