989 - Butt Crappened feat. Sarah Squirm (11/24/25)

Speaker 0 All I'm gonna make is hell jumble.

Speaker 0 All I wanna make is hell jumble.

Speaker 0 We need problems and bracelets.

Speaker 0 All I wanna make is hell

Speaker 1 Hello, everybody. It's Monday, November 24th, and this is your Chopo.

Speaker 1 Joining Felix and I on today's episode is Sarah Squirm. Sarah, welcome back.
How's it going?

Speaker 1 It's going great.

Speaker 2 You guys sent me to a weird website to record this podcast, and it was really unsettling for a second, but I think I'm finally getting my bearings.

Speaker 1 All right, good.

Speaker 3 Well, yeah, yeah. Well, we've been meaning to stop using childporn.podcast,

Speaker 3 but it's just like it's like the only software that works right we've at least like asked them to stop calling it that and they will not they really like that name so we apologize but if you know if there were alternatives we'd be using them right but there aren't and i just appreciate you guys are using websites something that i haven't been on a website in like

Speaker 2 besides youtube what do you watch on youtube sarah well thanks for actually when I opened up my computer, a really crazy sound was happening because of a YouTube video I was playing that I forgot about, which was Vangelis scored

Speaker 2 some brain surgery tapes.

Speaker 1 Wait, so this is this is this is brain surgery set to the music composed by Vangelis, who did Chariots of Fire and 1492 Conquest of Paradise.

Speaker 2 The window is still open. Do you guys want to hear what was playing when I opened my laptop for this?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 is this? I mean, I assume this wasn't playing in the operating theater while someone's brain was getting worked on. Is this just set to Vangelis?

Speaker 2 His friend was a microsurgeon who did little microsurgeries on the brain.

Speaker 2 And he made these like instructional surgery tapes and asked Vangelis to score them so that people could like study the tapes and not get bored.

Speaker 3 I feel like if you like get bored studying surgery, though, like

Speaker 3 that's maybe not your profession.

Speaker 3 I've dreamed of being a surgeon my whole life. I can make it through 12 years of medical school, but I'm just going to give up if there's not music in this.

Speaker 3 I need to listen to music while I watch this guy do surgery on Stuart Little

Speaker 3 because he's doing microsurgery.

Speaker 1 Felix, the

Speaker 1 video I just saw you post about the six actors Robert Duvall hated the most? And the caption was, he says, A bastard who slept with a thousand men. A gay bastard.

Speaker 3 I have a folder of all my favorite thumbnails that I see on YouTube. And

Speaker 3 they've been recommending me a lot of videos that have like 20 views lately for whatever reason.

Speaker 3 I think that's, I think I'm on the algorithm they give you when they like want you to commit a mass shooting. I'm not going to do it, by the way,

Speaker 3 but you know, I am seeing the videos.

Speaker 3 And I saw one that was like

Speaker 3 the actors that Robert Duvall hated the most, and the thumbnail was Robert Duvall looking disgusted in an interview and with the words, gay bastard slept with a hundred men written over the screen.

Speaker 1 Who could it be? Marlon Brando, perhaps?

Speaker 2 It's so interesting that I've been on this website call for 30 seconds, and Felix has already said child porn and school shooting without taking me out to dinner first.

Speaker 1 Well, well, Sarah,

Speaker 1 let's get into the news of the week.

Speaker 1 Big story from Friday and over the weekend that we didn't get a chance to get to was

Speaker 1 a meeting that took place in the White House between our newly elected mayor here in New York City, Zoron Mandani, and President Donald Trump.

Speaker 2 You guys are like the exact people I was curious about what you were going to say about this.

Speaker 1 And he has to be wondering, like, okay, what's Trump going to do

Speaker 1 own Zoran? How is he going to assert dominance over him? What sort of embarrassing thing? What sort of embarrassing spectacle will this be?

Speaker 1 But what we all got was actually sort of seemingly out of nowhere, a giant love fest of Donald Trump kissing Zoran's ass.

Speaker 1 Basically, I'm just going to read here from the New York Times. It says here, at multiple points during the meeting, Mr.
Trump jumped in to defend Mr. Momdani from pointed questions from reporters.

Speaker 1 The president patted Mr. Momdani on the arm when he was asked by a reporter if Mr.
Trump was a fascist. Mr.
Momdani smiled awkwardly, and the president advised him to just say yes. That's okay, Mr.

Speaker 1 Trump said. You can just say yes.
That's easier. It's easier than explaining.

Speaker 1 He was also

Speaker 1 asked about Republican

Speaker 1 New York governor's candidate, Elise Stefanik, who referred to Momdani as a jihadist. And Trump said, that's not him.

Speaker 1 The young man I met with is a very rational person. And basically, like, his supporters don't really know what to make of it.

Speaker 1 Sarah, what do you think accounts for Trump's seeming affection and need to, like, I don't know, ingratiate himself to the newly elected New York mayor?

Speaker 2 I think he knows that Zoron has got the fucking sauce and he has X Factor and he's a celebrity. And like, he just effing loves like alpha, Rizzy celebs.

Speaker 3 I

Speaker 3 really don't understand how anyone was that surprised by this because since even

Speaker 3 before since the nomination since even 2015 we have seen like people in the Trump sphere and the general like

Speaker 3 self-professed like anti-establishment right try to ingratiate themselves with like with Bernie with other like more popular

Speaker 3 figures who you know

Speaker 3 either outside the Democratic Party or like dissident you know perceived dissidents within the Democratic Party

Speaker 3 And especially when, like, especially like post-Trump's first election,

Speaker 3 when they really started taking a shit in popularity, which was almost instantly the first time and took about two months this time,

Speaker 3 they try to do the same thing.

Speaker 3 They try to go, well, you know,

Speaker 3 we, me and this guy, we also hate Democrats. You can't do that as much with Bernie now that he, you know, spent five years acting as Biden's footstool.
But

Speaker 3 the fact that so many people in Democratic leadership just pretended that there was no election in New York, that there was no guy named Zoron

Speaker 3 made it easier in this case. And yeah, it's just, he's extremely popular.
And

Speaker 3 anyone, like anyone in his position, would ingratiate themselves to someone who's up and coming and popular.

Speaker 2 Like, Trump is a New York gay guy. And like, Zoron is this little, like,

Speaker 2 he's what's popping in New York right now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think it's like I, to Felix's point, I think he saw the entire leadership of the Democratic Party try to sink this guy and fail.

Speaker 1 And Zoron won't, he's like, oh, I'll have, I'll have some of that. And I think it's just like the classic psychology, Sarah, you're right.

Speaker 1 He likes, he likes and believes in celebrity, probably to the exclusion of everything else. But I think if it's like a certain high school mentality, we're like,

Speaker 1 if a kid from another clique is popular, and then that kid is nice to you,

Speaker 1 you can be nice to him even if they're from opposite cliques. Right.
Because it's like them being nice to you is a reflection on your popularity.

Speaker 1 Whereas with Schumer and Jeffries, he's aware that everybody hates them, so he can treat them like shit.

Speaker 1 So when you bully an unpopular kid, that is once again reaffirming your status as popular and cool.

Speaker 2 Right. So like Trump is a jock and like Zoron is like a prep, but they're like the alpha dogs in the jock and prep.

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 1 But like, however, like, that was my first reading of what accounted for this love fest and Trump like, you know, beaming at Zoron, just looking it up and giving a big, toothy grin, loving every second of it.

Speaker 1 There's a few other, like, I don't know, like,

Speaker 1 sort of perhaps different like lenses through which to view this interaction. And I think another one that's very simple, it's easy to understand, and I think

Speaker 1 could go a long way to explaining this. I think Donald Trump just likes a handsome young man in a nice suit, you know, and like, and Zoron's pretty tall, too.
Like, I think he's about six feet tall.

Speaker 1 So, like, you know, guy of, you know,

Speaker 1 you know, a stature, nice suit, nice smile, clean-cut young man. I think Trump sees that.

Speaker 1 And it, it sort of, because, like, you have to, you have to compare Zoron is probably the most physically handsome person that's been in that Oval Office in like since Donald Trump was there.

Speaker 1 I mean, like, think of the collection of bozos, rubes, and Uggos who are normally filing in and out of that fucking, the new gold Oval Office, whatever.

Speaker 1 So like, I think when he sees a handsome young man in a suit, he's just like, oh, lovely. He's a wonderful guy.

Speaker 1 I don't think he's a jihadist.

Speaker 1 I keep saying, he says, I'm a fascist. I guess I am.

Speaker 3 Right. Like, if Peoria, Illinois elected a Shining Path mayor,

Speaker 3 but he looked like the guy who plays

Speaker 3 Reacher, he would be invited to the White House before,

Speaker 3 Who's that like little, gross little gollom they made to replace Charlie Kirk? Bryland Holland?

Speaker 1 Braylon Hollyhand.

Speaker 3 And I'm not saying Bryland Holland's algo, okay.

Speaker 3 Not saying that, but he's just, he's not turning heads, is he? I don't even remember his name.

Speaker 1 It's a pretty funny name, too.

Speaker 2 He likes shiny things. Like he has a shining thousand-watt smile.
He likes a shiny golden toilet. Like he likes when things are shiny.

Speaker 3 The only like

Speaker 3 kind of novel theory I've seen on this, because I do think like

Speaker 3 if I had to attribute it like mostly to one thing, it would be that they're still trying to recapture that like 2016 campaign magic of

Speaker 3 some sort of like loosely assembled,

Speaker 3 broadly anti-establishment front between left and right that is just like

Speaker 3 I cannot believe people still think that is like a fucking possibility in this country. And I especially can't believe it with

Speaker 3 after he's he's been elected twice and the only thing he did the first time was like attempt to do severe austerity to some success.

Speaker 3 And this time, just the most crippling austerity regime we have ever seen in our fucking lifetimes. But

Speaker 3 I did see one novel theory that was

Speaker 3 He's old. He's like just

Speaker 3 they're giving him what's that drug that makes you super suggestible? Sodium pentothal all the time.

Speaker 3 And he's being controlled by like Peter Teal

Speaker 3 sex slaves and assorted boy slaves. And he's just old and confused and angry.
And he knows that he doesn't have the same degree of control as he did in Trump 1.

Speaker 3 So he's like lashing out at Vance and all the teal people by going, you know that guy who you said you're going to deport? We're going to have a handsome party in my office.

Speaker 3 and i get like i loved i loved vance trying to act like oh oh this this is part of the plan to make zoron look stupid someone said it was like that uh famous famous post where the the this girl's going i'm i got my pussy ate with ice cubes for the first time this weekend and this guy replies i know he had you screaming

Speaker 3 But that's what Vance's reply was like.

Speaker 1 Well, it's like, I mean, like, okay, like, to take the Vance point of view here, like, this is a sort of thinking five moves ahead in chess strategy to like gas him up and give him a big political win to make his downfall all the more satisfying.

Speaker 3 That's so fun. I mean, I don't know what he, he, it was, he didn't say that.

Speaker 3 Some people have said it was ropo-dope, which, like, presumably they mean like they're going to big up Zoran and then like in Zoran's first day, he's going to like, he's going to do so bad that it's just like it's just total anarchy it's escape from New York and then they'll go see

Speaker 3 but I don't get that because it's like Trump was talking about how much how good he his policies were and how much he liked

Speaker 1 like how did that work and like he also said I would have no problem living in New York City under Zoran because he was like we both want New York City to be great I think it would be very nice and also he went out of his way to shit all over Eric Adams a guy who's done everything to placate like to like, and I think like, once again, it's like, it's the psychology of a dog.

Speaker 1 Like if someone shows you their belly, then you can't have any respect for him.

Speaker 1 Like Eric Adams, who was like, basically had to get Trump to keep out of jail, was to, you know, like basically just like, you know, kiss, kiss his ass and prostrate himself before the White House.

Speaker 1 But like, he obviously has no respect for that. And then Zenron comes in and got elected, you know, directly challenging Donald Trump.
And now he's just like, oh, this guy, he's cool. I like him.

Speaker 1 You know, like,

Speaker 1 this kid, you know,

Speaker 1 he's got respect. He's got, you know, this kid.

Speaker 1 I like this kid.

Speaker 2 His like comment about like, no, it's okay. You can call me a fascist.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like reminded me of like, you know, on Thanksgiving when my like ex-cop PI uncles are like, yeah, this like patchouli hippie kid over here. Should I get it?

Speaker 2 You think I'm a pig, whatever, you know, whatever. But it's like.
There's obviously like such like love, familial love there.

Speaker 3 And it's almost like Trump has this like, like, dude, we're from new york we're walking here like you know there is like a lot there he has deep love for him i i think it would be cool if like hakeem jeffries who he's he's been like the biggest holdout from the democratic establishment of just like no selling zoron especially considering that he he's a new york representative if he like started attacking so if he started calling zoron a social fascist he was like gee what have i always said about social democrats Yeah.

Speaker 3 I, going back to the Vance thing,

Speaker 3 that

Speaker 3 I, that made me think that this might be Trump lashing out more than anything.

Speaker 3 Because, I mean, like, I don't, who knows for sure, but like Peter Thiel wasn't supposed to, he didn't want to like dump any more money into politics after he, like, Vance barely got through the primary that one time.

Speaker 3 And he ended up like just dumping money onto Trump 2024 uh and linking him to other donors and so I've always just assumed that that was part of the deal and that Trump is just he does he just does not get this Vance thing um

Speaker 3 but

Speaker 3 I the only other thing is like I've seen people uh

Speaker 3 Kamala 2024 dead enders saying like, oh, you think this is cool, but you thought it sucked when fucking Kamala campaigned with Liz Cheney. And it's like, Donald Trump's the fucking president.

Speaker 3 That's, it's like, if Donald Trump was like a private citizen and Zoron like went to his house and was like, see, yeah, that would be one thing.

Speaker 3 But like, I, I, I just, I do not understand how the two things are comparable besides both of them being right-wing politicians.

Speaker 3 I mean, one also clearly did not work, seeing as Donald Trump is president.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it's just like, yeah, Kamala Harris,

Speaker 1 you know, fucking, you know, touting an endorsement from the Cheney family to no avail to absolutely brought her negative votes to her campaign versus, you know, Zoran, who's like the hot thing right now, he comes in, goes to the White House, and gets the president to fucking kiss his ass for a half an hour on national television, seems to be like a little bit more of a dub than Kamala, you know, powling around with

Speaker 1 the Cheney family. But yeah, I know, but like, one more thing.
You're talking about J.D. Vance.

Speaker 1 And I think like

Speaker 1 Donald Trump, it's like, you know, people, people, they follow certain sets' psychological patterns in their life.

Speaker 1 And I think he's victimizing himself again by having another chinless idiot son with a beard who, like, he doesn't really like, but is always, like, always around him and always trying to, like, gain his approval to no, to no avail whatsoever.

Speaker 1 You know, because, like, Donald Trump Jr. has a beard.
J.D. Vance has a beard.
Zoran Mamdani has a beard. But the thing is, Donald Trump Jr.
and J.D.

Speaker 1 Vance are constantly begging for the attention and approval of Donald Trump, which obviously he has no respect for.

Speaker 2 So I think

Speaker 2 it goes with your theory that if you're a cutie pie, like J.D. Vance, no disrespect, looks like a human Funko pop.
So Trump's not necessarily heart eyes, you know. He's not easy on the eyes.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 And like,

Speaker 1 this is also of a piece with Trump's comments about a recent meeting with President Xi of China, where he said, all of Xi's advisors are terrified to speak in front of him, and that's how we should run our government, which I can't do because JD is always butting in.

Speaker 1 He's always speaking on the meetings.

Speaker 1 But there is

Speaker 1 one final sort of heuristic to view the.

Speaker 3 Do you think there's like a Chinese hillbilly elegy?

Speaker 3 Where like Peng's eyes son will write it?

Speaker 3 You know, you know, we really, like,

Speaker 3 all of us, royal folk, we really should be, like, going to the cities to study Zhi Jinbing thought. But all we do is just spend all our money on barbecue.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Everyone I grew up with in the rural provinces is

Speaker 1 stuck where they are getting fucked up on like hundred-proof sorghum liquor and inventing new ways of drinking beer.

Speaker 1 But no, I have one last sort of

Speaker 1 lens through which to view the

Speaker 1 Trump Mandani meeting. And this comes courtesy of Spencer, who I see, I initially viewed this

Speaker 1 through like high school, right? About like popular kids. But Spencer has a very interesting theory that involves around the workplace.

Speaker 1 And his theory is basically that with, you know, a lot of the things that are going on right now, you know, the Epstein emails,

Speaker 1 you know, the war in Ukraine not really going all that well, possibly a war in Venezuela, the jobs and economy really don't seem to be doing.

Speaker 1 In fact, the jobs report in the economy is so bad right now, they've just stopped issuing any new data for like q3 of this year like they've just they've simply just canceled like reporting on unemployment and uh like you know economic growth um so like things are always a bad sign it could be yeah that's true maybe they were busy so like if you think about it like The White House is a workplace and Donald Trump is the head of that workplace, but he's very depressed.

Speaker 1 And everyone who works around him is also very depressed. Then, let's say a new guy comes into the workplace and doesn't really know the inter-office politics or dynamics.

Speaker 1 So, that when, like, he's sort of cheerful and seems energetic and ready to, you know, sort of get the work done.

Speaker 1 And then, when the boss like starts talking to you about their personal life or maybe asks you to get a drink with them and you're like, sure, yeah, I'll get a drink with you this Saturday or whatever.

Speaker 1 And then they attach themselves to you and suck all of the life force out of you.

Speaker 1 And then no one else who works in the office had the ability to tell you, do not agree to do anything with this person. You'll never get rid of them.
So

Speaker 1 I can see that dynamic being at play here as well.

Speaker 3 I think there's something to that because like, yeah, if I had to guess what the atmosphere in the White House is like, it's probably like, you know, a financially spiraling and failing bar and grill.

Speaker 1 Like at this point. Someone John Taffer would yell at.
Yeah, absolutely. Like it's no one like the bar and grills are the owner are either an alcoholic, horny,

Speaker 1 an alcoholic horn dog, or they're like trying to pass off their failing business as like the birthright of their eagley fail kilt children

Speaker 3 how many times can you like make an edit where like goku is deporting someone at a certain point you just like have to face facts that this is brandon v2 and that you you're brandon i thought the vibe was like they were all like methed out and like hyped up on stuff But they're like, it's more goth, it's more emo, you're saying?

Speaker 2 Do you think the vibes are emo at the White House? I mean,

Speaker 1 I think they're probably flying on all kinds of cocktail of uppers and downers, but like the crash does come eventually, you know?

Speaker 1 You know, you've been even up for 72 hours, you know,

Speaker 1 making crying immigrant mothers into studio Ghibli animations with Grok. And then eventually you're going to need to, you're just going to crash.
You're going to run out of Dr. Feelgood.

Speaker 3 Trump 1 was more of like a Dr. Feelgood administration.

Speaker 3 They had my favorite guy ever, Ronnie Jackson, was there and he was just he was I mean they probably got the idea to give Biden speedballs from Ronnie Jackson that's probably what he was giving Trump that's what that's probably what Trump was on when he was like I love everyone who is a Charlottesville I mean everyone

Speaker 2 and guys seriously hurt people hurt people

Speaker 2 so have we ever thought that maybe the White House all the guys in it are hurting

Speaker 1 I mean I think they are I mean I think they're in a great deal of spiritual and emotional pain. And

Speaker 1 I don't want to contribute to that. I don't want to make it worse by being mean to them because they're dealing with a lot of pressure right now.
And, you know,

Speaker 1 it's just not working. It's just not working out great for them.
And I wish them the best. Really, I really do.

Speaker 1 But, Sarah, like this next story, look, on the show and even on today's show, we've been fairly hard on President Donald Trump.

Speaker 1 You know, we've maybe even said some hurtful things about him and his family.

Speaker 2 And, sir, if you're listening, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 And, you know, I've been, I've been highly critical of his, you know, his policies like invading Venezuela or ethnically cleansing the United States of all immigrants.

Speaker 1 But just to show, you know, that I'm not just like a robot. I don't have Trump derangement syndrome.

Speaker 1 When the president does something that I think deserves praise and he promotes a policy that I myself can laud as virtuous. I'm not afraid to say it.
And that's where I'm going with this next story.

Speaker 1 This comes courtesy of Semaphore, and I'm just going to start reading this story here, and you'll get where it's going. But this is in Semaphore.

Speaker 1 The headline is, How Trump is trying to remake American culture, starting with rush hour. That's

Speaker 1 all you need to say.

Speaker 1 That's all you need to say. But it says, President Donald Trump has strong views about news media and an interest in asserting them.

Speaker 1 He's long claimed credit for ending the careers of journalists and comedians.

Speaker 1 CNN staff now worry that if their company is sold to Paramount, his friend Larry Ellison may fire two of the network's most prominent women, Erin Burnett and Breonna Keelar.

Speaker 1 Somewhat less attention, however, has been paid to the ways in which Trump wants to shape popular culture outside news and late-night comedy.

Speaker 1 The one-time wannabe Broadway producer brought his particular style of late 20th century over-the-top macho taste to political events, elevating professional wrestling to the

Speaker 1 Republican National Convention and inviting the nationalists.

Speaker 3 That's the worst thing he's ever done.

Speaker 1 I'll never

Speaker 3 for that.

Speaker 1 I know, because prior to that, I found professional wrestling to be surprisingly leftist and

Speaker 1 its politics.

Speaker 3 No, this is going to be one of those generational things.

Speaker 3 Like, whenever, like, people under 20 aren't going to believe us when we're like, professional wrestling was actually the most leftist sport up until Donald Trump's re-election.

Speaker 1 So, yes, he elevated professional wrestling to the Republican National Convention and inviting the 1980s icons Sylvester Stallone and Mike Tyson to the White House.

Speaker 1 Entertainment studios have thrown the Trumps an occasional bone. Amazon paid $40 million for Brett Ratner's documentary about Melania Trump.
It presumably saw

Speaker 1 my God,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 2 Amazon, I've asked you for way less.

Speaker 3 Some guys just really want to work.

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 3 Brett Ratner, when Trump won, again, he was probably like, yes,

Speaker 3 it's mourning in America for rapists. And then it just, it's still,

Speaker 3 he's just relegating to doing like Melania documentaries.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, well, Brett Ratner is an interesting name because, you know, you'll see where this is going here. But it says, Brett Ratner, of course, the director of the Rush Hour movies.

Speaker 1 So it says here, but beyond his off-again, off-again relationship with the Murdoch, Trump's preferences have largely been ignored by the entertainment industry Titans, who made him a household name.

Speaker 1 He has been forced to deliver his cultural preferences through online rants about celebrities and programming for political events at the White House, where he commandeered the presidential Oxcord.

Speaker 1 But now, Larry Ellison, one of Trump's most prominent financial supporters, owns a second-tier studio, Paramount, and is on the cusp of taking control of the great Warner Legacy with the giant library and sprawling production that come with it.

Speaker 1 The film producer Dallas Sannieri predicts a wave of classically male-driven movies with mentally tough, traditional, courageous, confident heroes, maybe even a tad cocky, but dedicated to honor and duty.

Speaker 1 Plus, of course, a few explosions, gun battles, helicopters, fist fights, and car chases. Now the president is offering some creative input on potential upcoming projects.

Speaker 1 Trump appears to want to revive the raucous comedies and action movies of the late 80s to the late 1990s. He's passionate, for instance, about the 1998 Jean-Claude Van Dammes sports flick, Bloodsport.

Speaker 1 Oh!

Speaker 1 This is a film I, too, am passionate about. And I remember years ago when Trump was running for president the first time, this is going to have to go back like

Speaker 1 year one of the show. But I remember there was a news story about him on a private jet with Don Jr.

Speaker 1 watching Bloodsport on his airplane and fast-forwarding through any part that wasn't a fight. Which is like, I mean, there's not much of that movie that isn't at the Kumite.

Speaker 1 But I like that

Speaker 1 of what bare bones plot exists in Bloodsport was too much for Donald Trump's attention span. And he just wanted to get back to the Kumite.

Speaker 2 I I wonder if he likes snake plisskin.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 now, now, Mr. President, now you're speaking my language.
You know,

Speaker 1 they said Zoran would make New York into escape from New York, but I don't think that's so bad because we can add snake plisskin, folks. He's got an eye patch.
They call him snake.

Speaker 2 Oh, dumb out of bubblegum, folks.

Speaker 1 But it says here: a person directly familiar with the conversations told Semaphore that the president of the United States has personally pressed the paramount owner to revive another franchise from Ratner, Rush Hour, a buddy cop comedy starring Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker that blended physical comedy, martial arts, and gags about racial stereotypes.

Speaker 1 That is a very good description of the Rush Hour movies. But like, okay, this is where it gets strange here because it's like, I can understand why the president likes the rush hour movies.

Speaker 1 I like the, I like, you know, at least rush hour one and two, rush hour three, maybe not so much. But this first rush hour, you know, that's a 90s classic.

Speaker 1 But then you got to wonder, at a time when he is really really hard up against the wall with this Epstein shit, is he going to revive a movie directed by Brett Ratner and starring Chris fucking Tucker, who was on Epstein's fucking plane with Kevin Spacey?

Speaker 3 Is there any theory crafting on like Chris Tucker being,

Speaker 3 you know, an instrumental part of the ring? Because

Speaker 3 I don't think anyone's accused him of that.

Speaker 1 No, it's just a funny question. I don't know.

Speaker 3 I just, I, I, I, like, I, I, I have, like, I don't know, maybe, maybe he gave them the idea. Who knows? But, um,

Speaker 3 I don't know. I, I, um,

Speaker 3 like, what can he do to, like, make this happen? To, like, make them give Brett Ratner a career again?

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, like, literally, just tell Larry Ellison, make another Rush Hour movie, and he'll get the fucking Paramount or Warner Brothers on it when he buys it.

Speaker 3 I guess, but, like,

Speaker 3 Rush Hour came out like 57 years ago.

Speaker 1 It was right after World War II ended.

Speaker 3 Yeah, most of the people who remember it are dead or dying. Or like,

Speaker 1 it's fun, though. This is just to please the president.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but like, he's not going to remember this in like a week.

Speaker 3 Like, Larry Ellison is going to be like, look, I did it. I made Rush Hour with Bowen Yang and Childish Cambino.

Speaker 3 And Donald Trump's going to be like, what? Who the fuck asked you to do that? Wait a second.

Speaker 1 Wait a second. This, okay, the fact that Donald Trump is a huge fan of the Rush Hour movies, this adds yet another veil to the Trump-Mamdani meeting.

Speaker 1 I think he sees in Momdani the combination of Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan. He's both guys from Rush Hour.
Because, you know, born in Africa,

Speaker 1 Asian family, you know, he's got the East, Moist, West, West thing going on, and he's got, he's got Riz, like Jackie and Chris.

Speaker 2 I'm just like, I can't like pin down his tastes because he's like, no offense, guys, I have to tell you this. As listen, rush hour movies, that's guy stuff.

Speaker 2 I wish I could meet you guys where you're at and be like, lol, my favorite scene was when the car was going fast.

Speaker 1 I haven't seen it.

Speaker 3 I don't feel that strongly about them.

Speaker 1 I don't feel that strongly about the rush hour movies. They're fun.
I mean, I like all the physical comedy and racial stereotypes.

Speaker 1 You know, it's just like 90 minutes of like black guys are like this and Chinese guys are like that. You know, it's got Joggie Chan.

Speaker 1 You know, you're laughing.

Speaker 2 I'm just surprised, like, Trump is it like I thought he liked like seeing beautiful women walking around in beautiful gowns.

Speaker 1 No, he likes seeing oiled up muscle men do splits like Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Speaker 1 Going back to Semaphore here, it says, Ratner's 1998 film

Speaker 1 50 years ago.

Speaker 1 Ratner's

Speaker 3 Soviet Union was still around.

Speaker 1 1998 film was a breakout hit. But the film series seemed to run out of steam by 2007 with a third installment, which performed respectively at the box office, but didn't satisfy Hollywood tastemakers.

Speaker 1 Then the franchise languished for a decade. In 2017, Warner cut ties with Ratner after sexual misconduct allegations.

Speaker 1 Warner allowed the franchise to be licensed to other studios, but Ratner's involvement was reportedly a non-starter for several potential takers, including Paramount.

Speaker 1 But among those who have embraced anti-woke politics, cancellation is almost a credential, and Ratner has revived his career at the highest level.

Speaker 1 What, by what, doing a fucking Melania Trump documentary for Amazon that like 10 people are going to watch?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He was an A-list director at one point.

Speaker 3 It's Brett Ratner mania. You can't go anywhere without people talking about Brett Ratner nowadays.
What did he do?

Speaker 1 He did Money Talks with Chris Tucker and Charlie Sheen. He did the Rush Allen movies.
He did Red Dragon, the remake of Manhunter with Ray Fienn and

Speaker 1 Edward Norton.

Speaker 2 And then he touched upon people.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 3 of, he was like one of the me to's where he was, it was not like an Aziz and sorry thing where like, I, you know, no one like read the article. Like not enough happened to finish the article.

Speaker 3 He was like, yeah, he was, he, he, you could always tell that he was like an evil man because he did the thing that all evil people do in Hollywood, which is he played himself on entourage, but like as a good person.

Speaker 1 Like he was like, that's whenever

Speaker 3 It's not totally foolproof because

Speaker 3 some people who do portray themselves as assholes on entourage are also assholes, but no one who portrays themselves as a good person on entrage is a good person.

Speaker 1 That's never happened. There's like a line of a dialogue where Turtle says to Johnny Drama, you know, that Brett Round is a good guy.
He's got no allegations.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 If I was making a list of the 100 top Jewish rapists in Hollywood, he ain't even going to be honored.

Speaker 3 I Why that was in the show?

Speaker 1 This is a really weird line.

Speaker 1 This is interesting, though. Chris reminds me that the last time a U.S.
president directly instructed someone to make a movie that got made for them was in the

Speaker 1 year before his assassination. JFK told John Frankenheimer that he had to make a movie based on the book Seven Days in May, which of course became the movie Seven Days in May with Burt Lee.
And

Speaker 3 that's actually the movie where the quote, don't ever play out of the black man's radio comes from.

Speaker 3 So Rush Hauer took it from Seven Days in May.

Speaker 2 Didn't Trump get rid of the White House movie theater? It's like he doesn't even care about movies. He watches movies on his phone on the toilet.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think they got rid of the White House bowling alley and the White House movie theater to make room for that awful, gaudy ballroom that he's building.

Speaker 3 Okay, but who is using the White House bowling alley?

Speaker 1 That, like, Richard Nixon.

Speaker 3 That is like the type of loser thing that, like, Carter would be into.

Speaker 3 Oh, I'm going to bowl with Brezhnev.

Speaker 3 Fuck you. I'm glad you're dead.

Speaker 1 Sarah, if you got invited to the White House, come on. You'd want to see the bowling alley, right? You'd want to go bowling.

Speaker 2 I'd be there tomorrow.

Speaker 2 And I'd

Speaker 2 the White House bowling alley, I just picture being very like boop-boopy-doop kind of coded.

Speaker 1 Like girls at the settings, like with poodle skirts and like you know buddy holly playing on a jukebox

Speaker 2 yeah I thought Trump would like that kind of crap girls in ponytails going shoe bob shawa

Speaker 3 does uh does the white house have a swimming pool it would be weird if it didn't but i've actually never heard any i don't think it does

Speaker 3 yeah like there are no yeah

Speaker 3 is there even a white house hot tub oh

Speaker 1 that's not a buy buy-in you say about it.

Speaker 1 Oh, wait, okay, okay. Apparently, there is a White House swimming pool.

Speaker 1 No one ever used.

Speaker 3 Well, I mean, that is the thing about having presidents that are 98 years old. Like, no, no one is ever using this shit.

Speaker 2 When I was a lifeguard, Brag, I was a lifeguard in high school, and when someone shit in the pool, we would have to like clear out the pool for 45 minutes. They would have to be clear in that pool.

Speaker 3 oh my god yeah biden biden made that pool look like a melted frappuccino

Speaker 3 could you imagine

Speaker 1 just throw it out after that

Speaker 1 over there the white house does have a pool but basically they've been using it as a bathroom for the last three administrations

Speaker 3 you ever hear those stories from the middle ages where like they're having some big like conference uh and it's it's over like the feces pits for the entire city the airport train disaster.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. That's what the pool was like after the first and only Biden term.

Speaker 2 I feel like the White House just stinks like poop.

Speaker 2 Just like Trump loading up that dump truck diaper.

Speaker 2 Just all of them just like rear running down the legs of those men's warehouse pants.

Speaker 3 I have thought about that a lot. It's like,

Speaker 3 think about like even Donald Trump, Trump, like not in his prime, but just like before he was elderly, like him getting up and shitting.

Speaker 3 That's pretty, he probably has to like wake up five hours earlier than anyone else.

Speaker 3 He has to probably dedicate like the first five hours of his day to just like moving some like ultra-dense block of shit out of his asshole, and it's gotta feel horrible, just like a rectangular hamburger shit, yeah.

Speaker 3 Like, could you imagine?

Speaker 3 Like,

Speaker 3 it has to be like sheer pain.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 we're talking about the middle ages shit and the White House pool. Uh, you're gonna love this.
Uh,

Speaker 1 this was just sent along by our intrepid research staff. The White House pool was often used by Barbara Bush.

Speaker 1 And it says here, in 1990, a rat swam past her and was subsequently drowned by her husband, 41st President George H.W. Bush.

Speaker 1 Barbara Bush said that she swam with a mask and it just went right by in front of me. Fortunately, George Bush was there and he drowned the beast.
It was horrible.

Speaker 1 Jesus.

Speaker 1 Drowning a rat?

Speaker 1 He's just like, you just grab it and hold it underwater as it thrashes violently. Like, I mean,

Speaker 1 you could get bit. I would just, you know, I would just let the rat be or just, you know, fish it out one of the, you know, the pool

Speaker 1 scoops.

Speaker 2 They got to add it. What's that book about the bushes where it's like, you know, Poppy in the helicopter? They got to do an epilogue about the rat.

Speaker 3 Rats are also like one of those animals where, like,

Speaker 3 they become 20 times grosser when dead.

Speaker 3 It doesn't matter if it was instantly killed or not. Like, if there's one second between death and life, like, a dead rat, infinitely grosser than a live one.
Infinitely.

Speaker 3 He just, he made that pool one billion times grosser.

Speaker 1 It's about George H.W. Bush killing a rat in the White House swimming pool with his bare hands.

Speaker 2 Also, like, if you're the president, you could just be like, hey, can someone get this?

Speaker 1 Wasn't Dan Bongino a Secret Service agent? Do you think you could ask him to shoot the rat, maybe?

Speaker 3 Not if he would end up hitting Barbara. I never got the sense that Bongino was like a very good Secret Service agent.

Speaker 3 Like, if a Secret Service agent is like, hey, guys, I've left the Secret Service at age 42 for no reason at all. And my new career is writing books about how good I was at it.

Speaker 3 It's like, you were probably the worst guy on the team. You were probably fucking terrible.

Speaker 3 I just think that that was like their foreplay for the Bushes.

Speaker 1 Strangling a rat? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I learned this at Skull and Bones.

Speaker 3 I wonder, it's sort of like with Tony Soprano, where Tony Soprano is involved in and orders the death of dozens of people, but we only see like him personally, only seven on-screen kills.

Speaker 3 How many like

Speaker 3 on-screen kills do you think HW had in his life?

Speaker 1 Ooh.

Speaker 3 And we're counting World War II.

Speaker 1 A lot.

Speaker 3 A lot. But

Speaker 3 him personally, his own bare hands.

Speaker 1 Oh, his own bare hands.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Not

Speaker 3 bare hands or with a wet, but like him doing it personally.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, he flew like 80 combat missions in the Pacific. So like, that's like, I mean, who knows how many is chalked up in that, but, you know.

Speaker 3 I think, like, he lived to, he would live to what, like, 98? I think, like, a couple dozen, right?

Speaker 2 But unlike Tony Soprano, Tony Soprano might have been a killer of men, but was a lover of creatures and animals.

Speaker 1 That is true, yeah, that is true.

Speaker 1 Not rats, though. I don't think Tony would have any affection for rats, but he wouldn't like, he wouldn't like to do that.
He wouldn't touch a rat with his bare hand. That's animal.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Sarah, wait, I have a question to go back to your lifeguard experience.

Speaker 1 You said when someone shit in the pool, you cleared out the pool for 45 minutes, presumably to fish the feces out of the pool, but then, like,

Speaker 1 there are still fecal particulates just in the chlorine. Like, does the chlorine take care of that? Why 45 minutes? And you're like, everyone back in the pool, the poop's gone.

Speaker 2 You know, it's so interesting. It's like, as soon as I said it, I was like, that can't be right.

Speaker 1 It's still, it's like when you flush the toilet, the poop goes down the toilet, and then the water is back up, and you're like, clean water. I'll just wash my face on that.

Speaker 2 I feel like we would like put a bunch of chemicals in the pool. We would scoop.
Definitely, I remember scooping the turds out with the net.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 we would like bomb the pool with a bunch of chemicals. And then that's why

Speaker 2 the pool would be cleared. But you're bringing up an interesting point that public pools should be able to be flushed like a toilet.

Speaker 3 That's such a good idea.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 That is like a Louis Pasteur type thing where it's like, we're idiots for not having that.

Speaker 3 Like, I do you remember like

Speaker 3 I did swimming like using public swimming pools or um just swimming pools that you don't personally own that is one of those things that like you only do at the beginning and end of your life and like my biggest memory of being a little kid who was constantly using swimming pools was like being being ushered out so old people could swim But when you really think about it, it's like the two most incontinent demographics are spending all their time in those things.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 they don't change the water when like normal adults who have control over their bowels use them.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's it's it's it's a it's it's quite a soup in uh in most swimming pools. But you know, I just try not to think about it.

Speaker 1 You know, sir, as we were talking about this, I swear to God, earlier today, the thought crossed my mind.

Speaker 1 I was, I think I was probably thinking about the president and his diapers and like, you know, just the grim spectacle of aging and what we all have to look forward to. But like,

Speaker 1 open question here. Uh,

Speaker 1 does any of you remember the last time they shit their pants? Because I do, of course, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2 I remember the first and last

Speaker 1 because uh, the last time I did it, I have a vivid memory for me. I think I was about like eight, nine, maybe ten years old.
No, but younger than that, because I had Scooby-Doo under Ruse,

Speaker 1 so I'm probably pretty young. And I shit my pants at the Javits Center at the

Speaker 1 New York City Car Show.

Speaker 2 Wow, you could have gotten in any of those cars.

Speaker 3 Not only have I done it recently, it's happened to me a lot of times in recent years. And it's always the same thing.

Speaker 3 Like I'll have like the flu or like a stomach virus or something and be sick for like a week. And then I'll like very tentatively decide it's like okay to work out again.

Speaker 3 And then always during like a front or back squat, like going deep. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah. And it's never like, thank God, it's never been so bad that it's like run down my leg.
I've been wearing like track pants and not shorts both times recently. Thank God.
But it is.

Speaker 2 The only reason it didn't run down your leg was because your ankles were gathered.

Speaker 3 Well, I mean, it did.

Speaker 1 Like, I think it probably,

Speaker 3 like, it didn't, no one could tell it ran down my legs, but it was like,

Speaker 3 it did, like, feel bad. Like, obviously, you feel bad shooting your pants no matter what.
But it felt bad because it was like,

Speaker 3 okay, I'm leaving the weight room for like 20 to 30 minutes, depending on how much shit I have to clean off my ankles, and then coming back with like completely different clothes.

Speaker 3 Like, what do you think happened?

Speaker 2 You got your period, yeah,

Speaker 3 no, yeah, yeah, that is, I haven't had it happen to me in any other way. I have not just been like doing, like, you know, doing my taxes and then boot, whoop, whoops.

Speaker 3 It's always like brought on by physical activity, but um, yeah, no, it's um,

Speaker 3 I don't know. I think everyone should do it.

Speaker 3 I think it, I think it keeps you humble, yeah.

Speaker 2 The last time I shipped my pants was in my home.

Speaker 1 Well, that's that's if you're gonna do it, that's the place for it to occur.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, that like barely

Speaker 1 counts, Sarah. I don't think that even counts.

Speaker 2 I, you're right, but I was so like, I was embarrassed. It's so rare for me to be embarrassed in front of myself.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 2 I had COVID. My boyfriend was taking a shower.
I was like, I have to shit, but he's taking a shower. I'm not rude.

Speaker 2 And then I just shit in my pants.

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 3 I think like having, having an illness is like, like.

Speaker 3 Both of these times, it was like, you know, some horrible stomach ailment. Like COVID, your stomach can get really fucked up from COVID.

Speaker 3 It's not, if you're having an illness like that, I don't think it's that, like, if you, if you got migraines and then shit yourself, like, okay, yeah, that's hard to defend.

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 3 I don't think you have too much to be embarrassed about there.

Speaker 1 Thank you, guys. Seriously.

Speaker 2 Thank you guys. Seriously.

Speaker 1 I mean, it was in your own home and you only did it out of, out of, you know, politeness. to someone who was taking a shower.

Speaker 2 And you have to laugh.

Speaker 1 But like at this,

Speaker 1 as soon as you do it, though you have to like duck walk into the bathroom and then just get in the shower just be like sorry i take precedence

Speaker 1 yeah

Speaker 1 one of my one of my tree got a backdrop blast the skin trademark last year

Speaker 3 one of my tree of life memories is being like three three or four years old and like i i was with my dad and we were riding the l in chicago it was like my first time riding the l

Speaker 3 and i just i don't remember the actual process of shitting my pants but i do remember like, like, knowing that there was shit in my pants.

Speaker 3 And I was like, okay, I just have to sit normally because other people on this train are probably having this problem and they're probably not bothering their dads about it.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 3 I'll just play it cool like everyone else is.

Speaker 2 Hey, Felix, would you say you were riding the Brown line that day?

Speaker 3 Is there any way for me to find out if I was? Because that is one of the, you know,

Speaker 3 one of the famous trains is Chicago L. It's the Brown Line.

Speaker 2 And I shit my pants, New York locals at a PC Richards when I was a child.

Speaker 1 That's very, that's very good.

Speaker 1 That's there. You already got like an air conditioner or something?

Speaker 3 That would really stress me out if I was a kid.

Speaker 1 Okay, like, but did they, but did they do the little PC Richards whistle right when you shit yourself? It was like, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo.

Speaker 1 Like they do at Yankees Stadium? No.

Speaker 1 oh

Speaker 1 all right i got uh i got i got a last i got one last story for for us today and um

Speaker 1 this involves the uh the sort of the the genesis of what we're calling a a right-wing or a conservative jussie uh jussie smollette so this is this is a hate crime hoax but the thing is i don't know i i guess i shouldn't say like this is a newer novel thing because this kind of shit happens a lot like does anyone remember the girl who carved a backwards be into her face right before Obama got elected?

Speaker 3 I loved that girl. She did such a bad job.

Speaker 3 She was so awesome.

Speaker 1 And then like the Blacks Rule graffiti, that's another really good one.

Speaker 1 You know, most of the

Speaker 3 you got to admit, though, that you got to admit, though, that worked. Like, no one, Blacks Rule Graffiti stopped after that.
They were just trying to raise awareness.

Speaker 1 Well, okay, like, if you remember,

Speaker 1 there was a girl, I think she was from Pittsburgh, and she was like working for, working for the Republican campaign, and she staged a hate crime attack on her, of which she sort of wrote a B for Barack on her face or sort of scratched it into her face, but she did it backwards, clearly looking in a mirror.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so it's like,

Speaker 1 okay, well, the story I'm going to talk about now shows, I won't say like, it's not a new thing, but it shows an evolution.

Speaker 1 in the sort of, I don't know, the care and preparation which one puts into faking a hate crime. So this here,

Speaker 1 this happened in New Jersey. And it says here, a 26-year-old Ocean City woman who claimed she was brutally assaulted because she worked for Representative Jeff Van Drew, Republican Ocean City.

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm so sick of the hate crimes against Jeff Van Drew staffers. If there's one person in America who's like hated more than anyone right now, it's Jeff Van Drew.

Speaker 1 Oh, wait, wait, but wait, hold on a second.

Speaker 1 Speaking of hated politicians, I didn't even get to the story about Marjorie Taylor Greene resigning.

Speaker 1 She said, I'm out. She just dropped the thing on Friday and said, I'm out of here in January.
Bye. It's been real.

Speaker 1 I hope you have a good summer. But, like, that story is pretty wild to me because, like, look, you can say a lot of things about Marjorie Taylor Greene, and we have on this show.

Speaker 1 But, like, this something about me that kind of has to respect her for being like, I'm a QA non-believing lunatic who ran for Congress and got elected because I wanted to

Speaker 1 root out all of the cabal of evil pedophiles running our government.

Speaker 1 And then she gets elected on that campaign, gets into power in Washington, D.C., and realizes that the elite cabal of pedophiles is like her team. And then she's like, all right, I'm out.

Speaker 1 It's just not for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 It did show like integrity.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she's true to this.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 She literally, yeah, in her resignation letter, she said, There's no secret plan to save the world, which is a Kyo thing.

Speaker 3 Yeah, no, I've had,

Speaker 3 I've seen like multiple conflicting takes on this. Some people think like

Speaker 3 she was like forced out. The other interpretation is that by resigning as opposed to like not seeking re-election, it's like more of a more of her spiting them and trying to fuck them over.

Speaker 3 Not that she necessarily like represents a swing district, but it does represent like one more thing they have to worry about kind of

Speaker 3 with an already slim majority.

Speaker 3 Like, I really, as bad as things are for Republicans, I would be kind of shocked if they lost that district, but they do, you know, things are at a point that they do have to like spend some money and some time on it.

Speaker 1 Well, like, I mean, the thing is, like, Trump, like, he's gone all, he has gone incredibly hard at her. He's called her a traitor to the United States of America.

Speaker 1 And the only reason he's done did this is because he apparently took seriously the Epstein file release.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, compare her to those fucking goons who showed up at the White House waving their binders about the big intel drop that's going to, you know, sort of, I don't know, like,

Speaker 1 I don't know,

Speaker 1 level all the accounts for all the deep state sickos. And they were like, you know, to turn this, as you said many times, into a fucking ridiculous meme and political spectacle.

Speaker 1 But like, Marjorie Taylor Greene was like, no, can we have the actual files? And then I think it's very telling that Trump was just like, she's a disgrace. She's a loon.

Speaker 1 Everybody hates her and she's a traitor. And it was only over that and not anything else she said or did in power.

Speaker 2 If I found out you guys were on the plane, I would be resigning from this podcast so quick.

Speaker 3 What if I did it just to get points on my chase?

Speaker 2 You would think he was just on the plane for a ride.

Speaker 3 Don't ever touch a black man's sex slave.

Speaker 1 That's what I said on the phone.

Speaker 3 I said that to him, and he didn't think it was very funny.

Speaker 3 Dejected. Sorry,

Speaker 1 I remember I forgot the Marjorie Kelly Green server, but this is back to the hate crime story. So it says here:

Speaker 1 a 26-year-old Ocean City woman who claimed she was brutally assaulted because she worked for Representative Jeff Van Drew of Ocean City, New Jersey, instead orchestrated the entire incident.

Speaker 1 Paying, okay,

Speaker 1 here's the part that I find really interesting. Paying a scarification artist to wound her and staging the the scene with zip ties and Trump whore written on her stomach.

Speaker 1 And Van Drew is a racist on her back, federal prosecutors allege today.

Speaker 1 Now,

Speaker 1 I want to bring this up because, Sarah, have you ever worked with a professional scarification artist for any of the

Speaker 1 gross stuff that you do into your conversation? No,

Speaker 2 I got a tramp stamp like every other mentally ill Jewish girl.

Speaker 2 If that, get your nipples pierced, get a tramp stamp, go to hot topic.

Speaker 2 I do know people who do that, though.

Speaker 2 And it, it is,

Speaker 2 she's gonna have, like, it's gonna say Trump horror on her stomach for that's like a tattoo, basically.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's like fucking Inglorious Bastards. It's the swastika.
I mean, it's a scar.

Speaker 2 I'm gonna scarification a swastika on me and say someone did a Jewish hate crime to me and make people watch my special.

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 3 I love that like the other one is Van Drew is a racist.

Speaker 1 Like again, this idea that like there's that should be a tell that this hate crime is like very specific because it's like Trump. Yeah, everybody knows him.
He's a very controversial figure.

Speaker 1 Several people have tried to kill him, but it's like, oh yeah, Trump whore. And then also, Jeff Van Drew is a racist, where most people would just be like, people in Ocean City would be like, who?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Like, she's suggesting there's like Ocean City, it's like a racially swapped Mississippi burning

Speaker 3 where like you go there and like a multiracial coalition of kidnappers are like, you better not be working for Jeff Van Brue.

Speaker 1 Okay, so it says, Natalie Green, a Rutgers law student, allegedly concocted the hoax in July with an accomplice making a late night

Speaker 1 in July. This is back in July.
With an accomplice making a late night 911 call to report that she had been ambushed by three men on a nature trail in Egg Harbor Township. Police officers.

Speaker 3 Okay, that's the other thing. It's like, it's like, it's so premeditated that they know she's a Van Drew staffer, and they're like, um, do, okay, do we want to like kill Jeff Andrew himself?

Speaker 3 No, who's his least important staffer? Let's hang out around the nature trail she likes for like three months, hoping that she comes here. Like, how, how is this not instantly found out?

Speaker 1 How did it take this long?

Speaker 2 And how do we know it's not Jeff v.

Speaker 1 Andrew?

Speaker 1 It says police officers found Green bound with black zip ties, her shirt pulled over her head, and the political slurs scrawled across her torso.

Speaker 1 She told police that her supposed attackers had a gun and threatened to shoot her and struck her in the head. Prosecutors say nearly every detail was fabricated.

Speaker 1 Green allegedly drove to Pennsylvania and paid a body modification artist $500 to carve the words on her face, neck, and upper body. $500?

Speaker 1 I mean, shit. I'll do it for $50.
I got to fucking box cutter right now.

Speaker 3 When they say nearly every detail, do they mean like, well, she is a Trump horror?

Speaker 3 We've investigated it.

Speaker 1 Jeff Andrew is pretty racist. Yeah, I mean, that's objectively.

Speaker 2 Y'all claim, y'all, all y'all claim, I want a BPD art hoe.

Speaker 1 You're scared of the real real ones.

Speaker 1 No one in Dimes Square is doing anything this daring and controversial as sort of a, you know, a public art project.

Speaker 2 So sorry, a bitch wants to Marina Ambromovich down

Speaker 1 and you're hating.

Speaker 1 I like this detail, though. It says here,

Speaker 1 oh, yeah, carve the wound, paid $500 to carve the wounds on her face, neck, and upper body using a pattern she had provided in advance. What? Which is what? Her own handwriting? I don't get it.

Speaker 1 Investigators later found matching zip ties in her Maserati SUV. Cell phone records show that

Speaker 3 well, like, I mean, this is

Speaker 3 if you could not tell by

Speaker 1 some context.

Speaker 3 Rutger, like, this is, I mean, this is just, this is just

Speaker 3 Jap hysterics excellence.

Speaker 1 It says cell phone records showed that two days before the purported attack, her co-conspirator searched online for quote zip ties near me.

Speaker 1 Discovery authorities cited as further proof that the incident was staged. And like, folks, I'm not, you know,

Speaker 1 this isn't crime 101 here, but like, whenever you watch those shows, like, you know, forensic files are the first 48, especially ones that take place now, because most forensic files are about murders that happened in like the early 90s or 80s or whatever.

Speaker 1 But the thing that stitches people up all the time is your internet searches.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, if you're like, okay, if you're, if you're trying to like Google information on how to get away with a murder, I would suggest going to the public library to do that search.

Speaker 2 How to spell Jeff V. Andrew.

Speaker 3 And also, also, like,

Speaker 3 Google in 2025 is not going to, you're not going to get an answer on there. Like,

Speaker 3 it's not helping you.

Speaker 3 This is so much, this is like one of those SVU episodes where, like, Olivia immediately believes the victim, but like, Finn is like, there's something up with this one.

Speaker 2 Well, it's also like funny to think of like the Google AI assist

Speaker 2 for

Speaker 2 zip ties near me.

Speaker 1 It's like they'd send you to get Ziploc bags. Am I right, folks? The AI is bad.
It stinks.

Speaker 2 Hey, this,

Speaker 2 this, the White House pool is looking like a cappuccino.

Speaker 1 Back in my day, coffee was just coffee.

Speaker 1 Well, so that's your

Speaker 1 spurious hate crime hoax.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she was released on $200,000 unsecured bonds. Investigators use cell tower locations to obtain video footage and evidence that she went to a dollar store in Ventner to purchase the zip ties.

Speaker 1 I mean, like, it's so hard to get away with any crime these days. You know, it's like,

Speaker 1 it's it's almost impossible. If you use, if you, if you have a cell phone or a computer, if you use it involved in any aspect of doing a crime, you're going to get caught.
You're going to get done.

Speaker 1 So I would just, my, my, my advice here, walk the straight and narrow.

Speaker 1 Obey all laws. Obey all laws at all times.

Speaker 2 Why did she do it?

Speaker 1 Well, obviously to like, you know, you know, like promote her own career.

Speaker 1 I mean, I think she was thinking of like, I'm going to get on the like the Riley Gaines sort of, if you're a young conservative woman, the easiest path to just being given money to do nothing is to like attach yourself to some idiotic and hysterical controversy, like you know, trans women doing a swim meet or fucking, you know, this hate.

Speaker 1 I was hate crimed by, you know, I don't know,

Speaker 1 Joe Biden supporters.

Speaker 3 No, yeah, no, no, they like, they do like give you a medal if you're like a conservative who like gets beaten up. Right.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That like awful little 25 pants.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Andy, andy go like that's his entire like he's made millions of dollars from writing like some book called like how i got beat up

Speaker 1 someone brained him with like a drink and he it's scraped like he got like he's now he's been speaking with a british accent ever since then because of his brain damage you know that like awful little

Speaker 3 uh who worked for dog who uh oh yeah the big balls Yeah, he's who's like connected to that 764 shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, oh yeah.

Speaker 1 The circumstances of his attack was like very weird. It was like, I was simply in my car at 4 a.m.
and like

Speaker 1 a drunk spot in Washington, D.C. And these young men tried to assault me and steal my car.

Speaker 3 They like dug up spears from Band of Brothers. They dug up his body and like gave his medals to that guy

Speaker 3 because he got beat up so bad.

Speaker 3 It's like, that's like, if you're trying to advance in that world, like it is sort of the best thing you can do.

Speaker 1 Yeah, absolutely. Just beat a victim.

Speaker 1 Like become a victim in a hilarious way. In a hilarious way that's like really debasing for you to share publicly with the world.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Oh my God.
How come no one has tried like, oh, I got tarted feathered?

Speaker 3 I got, yeah,

Speaker 3 I work for

Speaker 3 who's like a, who's a politician who's like as forgettable as Jeff Andrew? It's actually kind of hard thinking

Speaker 1 like a more forgettable congressman.

Speaker 3 I knew he was, but it was just like, oh, yeah, no, Jeff Andrew is so polarizing. Millett, you can't go anywhere without people giving their opinion about fucking Jeff Andrew.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 if you say you were working for,

Speaker 3 God, yeah, no, Jeff Andrew, and you got tarred and feathered. Just try him again.

Speaker 3 Just try it again. You know, like be like, be like, the guys who tarred and feathered me knew that like the police wouldn't believe me because that girl lied, but they really did do this to me.

Speaker 2 Y'all just can't handle a strong woman who puts her money where her fucking mouth is. She puts her pussy on the pavement.
Her body on the line.

Speaker 2 She is out in these streets doing Sherry Papini boots down ass work.

Speaker 2 No one wants to work anymore.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 least of all these fucking conservative influencers who like get on the fucking gravy train for the rest of their life because one bad thing happened to them that wasn't even that bad?

Speaker 1 The Antifa, they tied me to a log, and the log was going toward a giant buffer.

Speaker 2 And it's like, Antifa, pussy, call me when it's Uncle Fa, okay?

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 I think I was at Pablo Torrey's podcast, an episode about Riley Gaines.

Speaker 1 And apparently, she's getting paid like a hundred, she got paid a hundred grand from the Heritage Foundation to like accept a medal on her own behalf for her bravery and protecting women and girls in sports.

Speaker 3 That's like the type of event that like a remedial child comes up with.

Speaker 3 We're having a party where I'm getting a medal for the race I should have won.

Speaker 1 Like, I

Speaker 1 literally guess everyone gets a trophy culture.

Speaker 3 The new, like, the, every, like, every woman involved in like conservative politics under the age of like 40,

Speaker 3 they're all, they're all like a little Janice soprano now.

Speaker 1 Very much.

Speaker 1 Very much.

Speaker 2 They all have a Rolling Stones tongue breast tattoo.

Speaker 1 And it says Trump whore underneath.

Speaker 1 Slippery went wet around Trump.

Speaker 2 Kind of like Trump whore.

Speaker 1 Trump whore.

Speaker 1 Quiet piggy.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 I think that does it for today's episode.

Speaker 1 Let's wrap things up here. But Sarah,

Speaker 1 you've got a new special coming out.

Speaker 2 And to promote it, I'm going to stage, I said, a shocking hate crime.

Speaker 1 SNL.

Speaker 1 I mean, look up that buddy Scarification artist. You know, I'm sure there's someone in the SNL props department who could.

Speaker 2 It's only 500 bucks.

Speaker 3 Colin Joast is a racist.

Speaker 2 I'm going to string myself up to the like Atlas shrugged or whatever statue.

Speaker 1 The Rockefeller Center statue. Oh, get yes.
Crucify yourself on it.

Speaker 3 Sarah, Sarah, say that you got attacked by like a mad TV dead end.

Speaker 1 By Will Sasso. Will Sasso

Speaker 1 attack you?

Speaker 2 I get it wrong, and I'm just like naked, like for no reason.

Speaker 2 everyone's confused

Speaker 3 so yeah i have an hbo special coming out december 12th and listen if you like this type of shit maybe you'll like that type of shit i like the idea of amelia bedilliing like a false flag hate crime so much it's so fun like sending your own nudes to your boss the congressman and being like they're doing revenge porn against me and it's like from your number

Speaker 2 writing like on the on like

Speaker 2 the wrong garage door in pig's blood like

Speaker 3 sarah is a jew whore and then the person just is like who's sarah and washes it off immediately it reminds me of one of my uh my favorite jokes that michael hudson told which is like someone someone trying to like uh

Speaker 3 like be epic on twitter like 2018 and they're like guys watch this and they get retreated by Charlie Kirk and then change their display name to I am a pedophile

Speaker 3 Always made me laugh

Speaker 1 So the special HBO December 12th. What's it called?

Speaker 2 It's called Sarah Squirm Live and in the Flesh. And if you really like the story of Felix shitting his pants all the way up, filling it from the ankles all the way up to his chest,

Speaker 3 it wasn't familiar. No, it was just like a very, I don't want to get it.

Speaker 1 No, you said you filled it up.

Speaker 2 That's what you said. With the podcast cut out for a second, and the listeners at home don't know this, but it stopped recording because of like, you know, classic podcasting error glitch.

Speaker 2 And it cut out the part where Felix said it filled it up from the ankles all the way up to the nipples.

Speaker 3 It was the opposite of a viscous consistency.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, there'll be plenty more shit, piss, and blood, and Sarah Squirrel live in the flesh.
HBO, December 12th. All All right, that does it for today's episode, everybody.

Speaker 1 Till next time, bye-bye.