909 - A Real Hero feat. Pendejo Time (2/17/25)

I think there is some truth to the idea that men daydream about doing like karate to enemies.

You know, like everybody,

yeah, like sometimes I'll find myself thinking like, you know, damn, if push came to shove, I wouldn't die immediately with piss in my pants.

I would go John Wick mode on various assailants.

And then I'm like, well, what the fuck?

Like, then I stop and I was like, what the fuck are you doing?

You have a job.

You have to be doing something.

Basically, any public space I'm in, I'm calculating in my head what it would take for me to beat xiaomyun fat from hard boiled oh like what if i said two 45s right now how would i would i slide down this banister like how would i dive across this table um and how many people could i kill individuals i run a 12-minute mile and i can do the raid too to my boss

those are those are there are like two genres of thought that you have like in a public space

one is like This is sort of, it's the same thing as like background radiation in the universe.

It fills up 80 to 90% of the space.

Yeah.

And that's like, what's the worst thing I could do right now?

Yeah.

You know, like, like, like, you know, like, like kicking away a blind man's cane,

like pouring a coffee on a baby.

Like grabbing a cop's gun, things like that.

Yeah.

Like, like, just absurdly antisocial things.

And then the, like the 10% of active thought.

And this is what, you know, when people, when the scientific discovery of the limitless pill was made and people initially got that idea that we don't, we only use 10% of our brains and the limitless pill unlocks the other 90%.

The 90% are those antisocial thoughts.

Then the 10% of the brain you're actively using is

things like, you know, if there was a mass shooting right now,

would this be the moment that I find out that I have bullet time ability?

Yeah, yes.

Yeah, you remember that two years of jiu-jitsu I took 10 years ago?

Yeah.

I think what I would do is I would hip toss the fucking dysgenic Nazi FBI victim, and then I would, you know, go neon belly and I would put him in an arm bar, and I wouldn't get immediately turned to soup by like a groiper or whatever the fuck.

You guys ever like enter a room and just immediately clock, how many women are in here that I could save from danger physically?

That was it.

That was like a huge genre thought for me.

And wouldn't they be grateful?

Like, what if my ex-girlfriend was here?

What if I saved her from like masked assailants or like a hostage situation?

Yeah, I think that's like, I think that's kind of like the partisan divide.

The liberal fantasy is like a situation where your ex-girlfriend or women in general like feel bad for you and visit you in the hospital.

Whereas like apolitical conservative is like you help women in a way that damages your body.

But like you, you took out way more people than, you know, hurt you.

I'm happy that there's now a political movement for guys who just want to be the shooter.

They don't want to stop.

Yeah.

They don't want to stop the shooter.

They just want to be the guy that takes the women out completely.

And they were of, they were, they had, they were a nomadic Ronin type people for a long time.

And now they are in Doge, I guess.

Yeah.

They kind of feel like that is.

Now they're killing waste and corruption.

Yes.

That is it.

That's like the retirement plan for like the Trump program.

You do the Trump thing for however many years and then you get bored and you're like, I love Trump.

Everyone's trying to stop stop trump i should kill trump and then you die trying to do that and you don't have to retire

all right well uh let's let's kick things off here today it's monday february 17th and we've got some shopping coming at you, as you may have already deduced.

Joining Felix and I today are the Pandejo Time Boys, Jake and Thomas.

Jake, Thomas, welcome back to the program.

Thanks for having us.

Thank you.

It's been another busy week

in the news, and I'd like to kick things off here.

This is sort of a good hook to something we were talking about on our most recent show.

We were talking about Elon Musk's brood and his sort of the fact that he's like, he's not, he's not fucking these women.

He's using

IDF.

He's using the IDF.

IDF insemination.

He's using the IDF insemination squad to like gene edit his 13 male children or actually 12.

But there's a new one.

There's a new one this week.

And

it involves a woman named Ashley St.

Clair.

Now, I got to ask, Jake Thomas or Felix, were any of you familiar with this woman before this week?

Yes.

She used to post like racy kind of softcore stuff under a name Sex Laptop.

And that was her like username.

You know how a lot of these people were either failed musicians or failed comedians or failed actors?

Then that went to bullshit.

So they just got involved in like saying brown people belong in a hole somewhere.

Her thing was she was like a, I don't know if you'd call it one of those like.

Tumblr type softcore

aesthetic nude posters.

And then she like pivoted into doing like joking about doing like BBC, like you know, mixed porno, and then that didn't go too well.

And now she's like, uh, there used to be, you know, batting cages in Atlanta, and now it's just Hennessy and fucking pancakes, and that's like her new, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She, she, she had one of those accounts that you would see in like 2014 or 2015 where all the pictures are black and white, yeah, and it's like very um who is that girl that died, Edie Sedgwick imitation photo style, and but then you read the post and it's like

someone had the worst parents ever.

You know, someone had a sad child.

Someone had a fucked up childhood.

But then, yeah,

this is very much a product of the time.

That's sort of like BBC style posting.

But they would, I always thought it was what.

Cash Broadcasting Corporation.

Yes.

Actually, Actually St.

Clair literally.

BBC style posting.

Sorry, sorry.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

She, she, like, what I always thought was so, I don't know, funny, not funny, but like, I guess like telling was that they would like use the name Tyrone for a black guy.

Like, no black guy has been named Tyrone since like the first time that starter jackets were cooled.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, you're more likely to meet a white Tyrone that fought in the Korean War than you are to meet like an under

70 black Tyrone.

Yeah, she literally said, oh, I want a Tyrone to fill me up or whatever.

And like, she didn't clip that.

She became it, which is interesting about her is like, she was that, you know, she was sex laptop and she did

that thing.

But instead of becoming like the typical politicization path for those types is like, they become like a Milo type, like a, like the avant-garde of the right.

But she became like a Babylon B, like Zionist, like Yokan lady, which is, I think, way more interesting.

Well, I thought it was cool, too, that, like,

we can get into the IVF thing later because I'm also fascinated by that, but like, how does that even work?

He just, I guess, dude, okay, first of all, I guess we'll just do it now.

I thought he was using his fame and power to knock these women down, and I'm for that.

He's mailing his loads to their house through like FedEx priorities.

So, he, out of anyone who isn't an entertainer or athlete, out of any of any of that shit tier celebrity, he has more of an opportunity to bust Raw than these women who had the worst parents and worst childhoods ever.

He could fuck all of them.

He could have, he could nut Raw more seconds per day than anyone else alive in his tier of celebrity.

And instead, he's like, you know what my favorite part of when I have sex is?

It's the NDA negotiation process.

Let's go straight to the part that's like signing up for Obamacare in 2013.

Just like him throwing the Romans was a sign of autism, him just like mailing ropes to fucking clout chasing right-winger girls' houses is because he's on the fucking spectrum.

Well, you know, I uh I've always wanted to be a father, and I don't particularly, particularly when I think about being a father, it's mostly what's interesting to me is just mailing come to girls' houses.

He says hello to them by paying them twenty thousand dollars.

Like, it

something I've been thinking about a lot recently recently is the idea of like a pervasive sense of extreme passivity in American society.

And that is sort of like a marker of permanent adolescence and immaturity.

Extreme passivity is like, it's a huge marker of like sort of like young adult malaise because it is, it is a deep insecurity that your self-perception of your talents and abilities and charm and personality, if you proactively bring them out there, that it's either going to fall short or it's not going to be what you imagined it to be like or otherwise will be a disappointment and nothing near what you built up in your mind.

So you wait for the world to come to you.

And it's interesting that, yeah, the most powerful man in America is doing this incredibly proactive thing of having 700 billion kids, but in the most passive way possible.

Yeah.

Giving these women $50,000 so they feel obligated to say hi to him.

And he's like, can you have my kid no we don't we're not gonna have sex at all in fact it will be less like sex than anything you've ever had ghosting a woman after you mail her her your cum to put in her vagina is i'm not gonna lie boss move like to just be like because all of her replies you've seen are like hey elon we've been trying to reach out to you and he's just not like he'll post 15 times a day about like you know FBI crime statistics, but this lady who like apparently had his IVF baby, she can't get a text back.

Thomas, you've got to look on your face like you're like, yeah.

I mean, a lot of us were doing stuff like this during the pandemic anyway.

I mean, doesn't this, I mean, like, I've seen speculation about this, but like, doesn't the like the nature of these conceptions, doesn't this introduce the possibility that like his dick is fucked up and mangled in some way?

That is, that was floated on True and on.

Azalea Banks said that Grimes told that to her, that he had a penile implant that went awry.

Dr.

Miami did it.

He's the one that

tweeted about Elon's penis.

It was like, we've just installed what we're calling the Tesla Model D.

Have you seen

these tweets?

There were screenshots of them going around after Ashley St.

Clair mentioned the whole baby thing.

Apparently, it was like four or five years ago, but it's like, just got Elon.

It's probably fake.

But if you buy the Truanon

Azalea Banks story, apparently dr miami put like a penile injection in his shit i guess for it to be rock solid 24-7 while he builds fucking space lasers and uh i i guess it went awry maybe his dick don't work i feel like it's it's i've heard rumors of that though like i'd heard rumors of that going back a few years yeah like but i'd heard it was a robotic implant

like like that like uh the sex workers would be like yeah yeah it's this thing you just have to act like it's cool like a winter soldier arm like a fucking

I think what he probably had was it was like a button or something, like a beeping mechanism like from

2001 or something.

I think he just had a little red button in there, maybe.

I like that.

He's like Jetstream Sam from Metal Gear Solid, from Metal Gear Rising Revengeance, where everyone thinks he's like this crazy cyborg because his personality is so bad.

But it's just all natural mental molestation by his insane father.

But he just has one cybernetic part.

I would love to be the richest man in the world and then I have a metal four-inch penis.

I mean, it's, it's, it's, I mean, it's true, it's truly the one thing money can't buy.

If, like, if, if you've been, if you've been cursed by God with a bad dick, there's really nothing that anyone can do for you.

Well, surprise, I guess it's not surprising, but all these other women that he did this to kind of had their own thing going on, like Grimes and a couple of one of the other, you know, Google AI person, but fucking Ashley St.

Clair, people were sharing screenshots of her, like, fucking neck deep in his replies, like the last four years, like with the meme that's like, go to horny jail, bonk.

And then, like,

yo, what's up, Elon?

Like, Jake, I saw one of the worst posts I've ever seen, and it was this guy who was like, called it, and this was like, like, a year ago, and it was a photo of Ashley St.

Clair and Musk, and she was looking at him sort of adoringly or whatever.

And

the the comment that this guy left said was, Methinks she will be intercepting his seed sometime soon.

God.

But what I mean is like, it's a type, right?

Harvey Weinstein, no penis.

And literally.

He spotted off of him.

Epstein, egg-shaped penis.

Elon Musk, robot dick.

It doesn't work.

And now he's, like you said, sending frozen ropes through the mail to have only male children.

But

I do want to talk about the New York Post wrote this up.

I just want to dive into this story a little bit.

Right here, the conservative influencer who claims to have given birth to Elon Musk's 13th child revealed to the Post how she was driven to lead a life of secrecy after a whirlwind romance with the billionaire ex-owner.

A whirlwind romance.

In an exclusive sit-down from her glitzy Manhattan Pad Saturday, Ashley St.

Clair, 26, described a 53-year-old Tesla and SpaceX mogul as funny and down-to-earth, but claimed that he wanted to keep their baby secret for everybody's safety dude how absolutely gone do you have to be like with ketamine or like megalomania or whatever to like first of all throw the shittiest romans of all time it's a bad salute but he did he made it look like

and if we do the timeline right that baby may have very well been like

one month old He's ignoring those texts.

He's railing fucking big old gator tail lines of Ket at the thing and his mind he's like I'm not gonna text this lady back but what I am gonna do is I'm gonna throw out the old fucking seagull

at the goddamn presidential and this lady can figure out this fucking baby one way or another but I'm gonna get these like how what happens a detail that I liked uh when I said gave an interview in her glitzine Manhattan uh condo or whatever is that in the New York Post there there's like some of course there are like sort of glamorous shots of her in it including one where her her toes are quite visible but in my favorite one there's one where she did see that one Where did you see that one?

No, my favorite picture that accompanies the piece is: it says, She's like sitting at a table in front of these big windows, and she's got a chessboard set up on the there's nothing else on the table but a chessboard.

And like people who have the chessboard out, like that, like that, that's a sign of a certain personality.

But many people have pointed this out.

If you look closely at the chessboard, the knights and bishops are in each other's spots.

Like, she's placed the pieces incorrectly.

So that's smooth.

But to return to the piece here, it says,

Musk has not yet acknowledged the allegations and reps did not respond to multiple requests for the comment by the post.

He has made numerous unrelated posts on X since his alleged lover made the announcement.

However, again, I don't even know if they're lovers.

Right.

We were waiting for Elon to publicly acknowledge his parental role with Ashley to end unwarranted speculation.

And Ashley trusts Elon to How is it unwarranted?

Oh, yeah, this is just between a man, a woman, and the mailman.

Yeah, and like, also, someone pointed out, well, I think, and again, speculation or whatever, but like, if the, if, if he only is producing bio, you know, like male children, then are they doing some sort of like CRISPR gene editing, like, like, hard, I guess what you'd call, like, you know, genetic or zygotescience, not a fucking baby doctor, to ensure, like, how many loads are these women getting in the mail and then and putting in their bodies, And then the doctor's like, this one's going to be a girl.

I believe with IDF, with IDF, I believe with IVF, you can select for gender.

Okay, okay, yeah.

I think that's maybe why he's only conceiving children through IVF is because he doesn't want to pollute the world with more females.

Shout out Delaney on Twitter for reminding me.

One of his kids' name is Techno-Mechanicus.

And that fucking sucks, ass.

That's really bad.

Awful.

And that's really terrible.

Like, even XAI 112, like, okay.

But Techno-Mechanicus.

It's like, you know, that old family guy bit where Peter's at the addiction center and he's like,

one of these kids is going to be Hollywood kid, and then who's paying for the rehab center, huh?

Who's paying for, like, I wonder if that's his plan.

Is one of them is going to be the bad guy from Looper?

Like the fucking kid with telepathy that like explodes people?

And that's who's going to like, you know, take up his mantle for this like weird technocratic autocracy he's building or trying to build or whatever.

And he's just using, you know, like

weird, profoundly mentally ill women to produce these men for him.

I think like the more like pertinent thing with why he's doing this is, um,

I mean, it's like, it's like, clearly, whatever happened with him and his father, Errol, clearly something is going on.

Yeah.

And he has some complex about both like outbreeding his father

and only creating males

and doing it completely removed from any sexuality or really any physical element at all.

Definitely one of the most mentally molested people ever.

Ever.

I mean, like, one of the other aspects about his worldview is that he's like, he's very, he's very like pro-people having children because he's worried about population collapse and he's worried about the underpopulation of the planet, which would seem to be at cross purposes with only producing male children.

Because if you were concerned about

the population collapse, wouldn't only having female children be setting up humanity better in the future?

Because, like, if 99% of men on planet Earth died tomorrow, like, the future of the species would be pretty well assured.

But if the opposite were true, we would go extinct within a generation or so.

One of my favorite movies is Children of Men, and I'm imagining like that movie, but everybody's like either completely functionally illiterate or like a groiper shut-in.

And, like, Clive Owen is just having, he's trying to get to his buddy's place in the woods to get get like canned food and water.

And he just opens the door.

Instead of this like sage, weed-smoking old philosopher, it's just like the most fucking pale, dysgenic, blue light, poisoning guy in the world.

And he's just like showing him fucking like soy jack Chad memes.

And, you know, Clive Owen just puts a gun in his mouth and the movie just fucking ends.

Sorry, I can't go to work today.

Music Graper died at the age of 18.

Yeah, exactly.

Like, you know, like, what.

I don't know if people always talk about his worldview.

And like, this is why he does XYZ.

Like, he population collapse or like some weird thing.

I don't know if he has a worldview so much as he completely operates out of spite.

Like he hated the fact that there was an entire social network that mostly spent their time calling him a fucking weird loser.

And, you know, I don't know if people memory hold the fact that like eight years ago, he was one of those weird Silicon Valley like Hare Krishna Indian esoteric hippie-dippy dudes.

Like he was obsessed with like, you know, karmic debt and, like, you know, all we're all one, we're all one species, that weird Silicon Valley type empty liberal progressivism.

He got laughed out of those communities for whatever reason, and then, and in turn, embraced whatever he's doing now.

But it's all about

it's spite, you know what I mean?

They probably saw his weird, fucked-up penis.

Just to return to the post for a second, uh, it says here, uh, at the time, she didn't particularly have much interest in Elon other than his acquisition of Twitter.

She first became aware of the billionaire thanks to her her gay best friend who frequently asked her to watch videos of Musk's SpaceX rocket launches.

Oh my God.

What?

Do they mean pejoratively gay?

Is that like Trump?

Yeah, woke really is over.

Yeah, her gay ass friend who makes her watch rocket launch videos.

She's like, this is in the New York Times?

New York Post.

This is the New York Post.

Okay, okay.

I guess they've been doing that since Alexander Hamilton, you know, started the paper.

He goes, and at one point, he said, are you ever in San Francisco or Austin?

And I said, I am in Austin and Texas a good amount for work, St.

Clair continued, adding that she worked for the Babylon Be, a conservative satirical website at the time.

Yeah, that's a job that you really need to travel a lot for.

Yeah.

You're writing fucking clickbait articles for my mom specifically.

Did it ever say how they met?

Was it like a fucking...

I guess it doesn't matter.

I don't know.

That was the one thing I missed.

She says that he slid into her DMs.

She says, Musk was very funny.

He was smart.

He was very down-to-earth.

It started with X interactions and he slid into my DMs.

I think it was a meme, she recalled.

It really is the everything app,

dude.

What if you're able to eventually send your loads through there?

Felix, I'm sure you were doing a little bit of that.

Mostly just,

well, I, I, yeah, I mean, like,

every, everyone, you know, everyone who was, you know, time to take accountability here.

Yeah.

Everyone who was DMing the sex laptop type ladies in 2015, uh-huh, right.

You know, we also awkwardly, you know, they, they, what do those types of women request?

Videos of you jacking on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And everyone, you know, around my age in 2015 was awkwardly setting up their iPhone 3

4C.

Yeah, yeah.

5C with the small blue one on their Xbox One

while doing that.

And that really was like, that was sort of the version.

Who was the guy who

he did sort of like proto-animation with those,

you know, he did the first moving picture with that picture of the horse galloping?

Oh, yeah.

That's sort of like

that sending videos of you jacking off over Twitter DMs in 360p.

That is to,

you know,

you know, transcontinental load delivery.

Yeah.

What that is to, you know, major motion pictures today.

Yeah.

So I really,

I would, I would consider myself a D.W.

Griffith to Elon Musk.

Trailblazer.

Steven Spielberg.

Yeah.

It says here, Musk allegedly

provided her with a lavish apartment in the financial district where rent for a two-bedroom can soar to nearly $40,000, according to Street Easy, and a hefty security detail, but no romance, St.

Clair claimed.

Quote, I was completely isolated during my pregnancy.

Every part of my career and everything I used to do, I couldn't do anymore.

I was told not to tell anyone, she claimed.

Texts viewed by the Post between St.

Clair and Jared Birchall, Musk's money manager, appeared to show that she complied with the billionaire's wish to be left off the birth certificate and to preserve privacy, security, and confidentiality.

So it's like, yeah,

yeah, sure.

I'd love to, I'd love to, sire, I'd love to give you my seed, but please leave me off the birth certificate.

You know, for security reasons.

He's like

the equivalent to to a Civil War reenactor, but for a deadbeat dad.

Yeah, I was about to say

he's still giving her like millions of dollars and paying for her to live in a $15,000 a month fucking apartment and doing all this shit and all the embarrassment and all of the

negotiation and the drama of like everyone knowing about this and him publicly picking his favorite woman he mailed his load to in Shivon, the top of the mom bracket, publicly.

But he never, he didn't even touch her.

He just loves the idea of being a deadbeat dad so much that

he's doing the National Guard equivalent.

He's stealing foul from real deadbeat dads.

Like, my God, you know what I mean?

Like, you used to just come in a lady and then move two towns over.

You know, like

it's just classic.

Like, I'm a truck driver.

I don't really got too much else to do.

So I think I'm just going to move.

50 square miles east and I'll be all good.

He's fucking creating this like, it's ballsy to fucking, yeah, mail your load and then be like, all right, we're going to put you up somewhere nice.

Don't text me, don't call me, don't put my name on the birth certificate, don't reach out to me.

What is that?

What is that old joke?

I think it was like Red Fox, or was it a movie where it's like, I don't pay them to fuck, I pay them to leave.

But he's doing, he's, he's literally, he's doing that without any physical contact.

Yeah.

I don't impregnate them to have kids.

I impregnate them to abandon them.

I don't get it.

Do you think it's so fucking weird?

Like a side effect of that.

I think we talked about it it last episode we did together of like everything in your life is optimized like a computer you know what i mean like these guys love optimization down to the second every like the minutiae granular day-to-day parts of their lives are all like i mean not elon like he just fucking posts and like does ket and fucking hangs out whatever but like maybe in his mind this is the most efficient way to procreate is to fucking yeah i mean i do think if you have 13 kids and none of them are like even Jewish or something like remotely cool, I do think that is a Nazi thing going on.

Like one of them has to be mixed in some like even trivial way.

Like the girls from Hawaii or something.

And it's like, you're just like not mixed, but it's like, you know, something going.

These are like all, it is 13 white kids with like different women.

Did you see Grimes was like posting replies to the videos of X and Elon during that big speech he was giving with Trump.

And somebody was like, replied and tagged her and was like, you know, what do you think about, you know, your son being like used like this?

And she was like, lesai.

I wish that Elon wouldn't do this.

And I've told him not to, but what can you do, Sy?

And I was like, are you really replying Lesai to a video of your son in a room with like five different pedophiles?

Like that?

Like, oh, lesi.

It would be like, there's nothing she can do.

Isn't she the mother of this kid?

I mean, I mean, like, presumably, there, I don't know.

I mean, maybe, maybe Elon owns the family curse too.

But, like, I mean, doesn't she have custody of this kid?

Like, couldn't she just

doesn't she have some say and whatever?

Elon Musk, at the end of the day, is a men's rights champion.

You know what I mean?

Like, a father's rights, you know.

So, maybe he just I like that he just has this one kid that he just sort of has like a backpack.

Yeah, I take this around.

I feed it.

He's going to be great.

That one, like, I don't know if that's his most favorite or least favorite kid because

he doesn't like do activities with the other kids.

The ones he made with Shivon, the top of the mom's bracket,

they're the only ones he's like, you know, heart emoji to.

The nicest thing he's ever said to his kids.

But with X, he's also using him as a Kevlar vest.

Yeah, for sure.

Last episode, I said that he's doing the Dead Zone 24-7 with that fucking kid.

I buy the whole human shield thing because I feel like we saw way more of X after Luigi, you know, sent Brian Johnson to Valhalla.

That was, I feel like you got to see way more of X like on his shoulder, or like he's carrying him literally in front of his stomach.

Yeah, like he, like, like, that is one, that is a weird way to carry a kid.

I mean, like, in general, and he's like waving with the fucking MAGA hat and his Occupy Mars shirt.

Wearing an Occupy Mars t-shirt with a, like, a fucking Dylan Kleibold duster, by the way, is an insane fit.

Yeah.

I have to say, look, I am, I don't support gunning anyone down, much less a public figure.

Of course.

But if you are the type of guy who guns people down, you've got to be so mad about him, you know, just using the ex-human shield because for

a gunman, that type of center mass, it's probably like playing GoldenEye in real life.

Like you just lock on directly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just one more detail from the post here.

So she says, Here, some Musk-obsessed fans apparently began speculating that she had given birth to the Tesla CEO's baby and began harassing her, both online and on the street, she said.

There was a cohort of very violent stalkers who started threatening my toddler.

They would send me photos of him with blood, and that I would witness his blood-spattering death and saying I was Elon's whore, she claimed, fighting back tears as she referred to her older child from a previous relationship.

Almost every relationship in my life would be bastardized and disingenuous because I couldn't tell them what was going on.

My son had never taken a walk outside in five months.

I have never been able to take my baby for a walk.

I was terrified someone would see I had the baby and it would get out.

Oh, okay.

Like, how different does he look from any other baby?

But, like, five months, a kid just inside a house?

Like, that's terrible.

Maybe he already has a, maybe he was born with a robot penis and it pokes in his sky.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, like, like, this would be inhumane to do to a fucking husky.

She's doing a human being.

Like, look, look, look.

You know what?

For this kid, for this kid, I feel the way that, you know, scumbag basketball recruiters felt towards a 13-year-old LeBron.

That's how the FBI division that recruits school shooters feels towards this kid.

He's already getting offers from Disbird girlfriends and daycare.

Yeah.

But, like, look, I would just like to say here, though, that, like, obviously, like, you may not agree with her politically, but, like, look, all families are different, and like, certainly, children don't need to be the target of like hateful vitriol.

I'm just going to read the last paragraph of this piece.

The mother of two authored the 2021 children's book, Elephants Are Not Birds, the story of an elephant named Kevin who likes to sing and then is convinced by a vulture named Culture that he warbles so well he must actually be a bird.

The book was first published under conservative publishing house Brave Books, with St.

Clair describing the story as an unapologetic rebuke of transgender acceptance.

She was later tapped by the self-described woke-free beer company, Conservative Dad's Ultra Right, to appear in the company's Real Women of America 2024 calendar, which was released in December 2023.

That calendar caused a huge fracas online in my community in the Graper community.

I remember that.

What were we going to say, Thomas?

Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing I've already said to her personally.

I guess, like, you know, we've pretty much, you know, did a crash course on, like, where do you think she goes from here?

Does she join the harem?

You know what I mean?

Like, just like the

kind of forgotten women that they're real, now they're just kind of like Elon's brood mares.

I don't know.

I mean, I think this and Elon Musk and his, you know, sort of novel strategy for family formation is leading to a kind of, I don't want to say a schism on the right, but there is, but there are sort of two camps of like, one is like the more traditional conservative,

you know, ideology, which says that, like, the nuclear family is the only sort of family or child rearing that should be accepted.

And that, like, you know, what, what Elon and Ashley say, because, you know, like, of what I saw, like, Ashley St.

Clair, a lot of her humor was just shitting on single moms.

And apparently she's got a kid from another relationship.

And whatever.

But like, like, I think what's unsaid here is that, like, as long as the guy knocking you up is rich enough

to provide for the kids, then, like, they don't really have a problem with single motherhood, provided that you're white.

But, like,

yeah, it only matters.

If they just hate poor people, not so much like families that are non-traditional.

Yeah, like, if you, like, the big thing about the single mom hatred on, like, you know, it is just if the kid is mixed.

If you are a single mother to a white kid, that kid might grow grow up to be the new bedroom pop star in like 15 years.

Maybe he'll be Alex G or, you know, Kirk Hobain or something, cool, Elliot Smith.

But I guess if you're like a mixed, you're a parent to a mixed kid, a single mother, then you're kind of just cannon fodder for whatever.

You know what I mean?

Who knows?

I'm sure her career will be fine.

Like, maybe she'll get to be the White House press secretary for a couple weeks, you know?

Parade the baby around.

I woke up this morning with a bad hangover and my penis was missing again.

This happens all the time.

It's detachable.

All right, so to move on from Elon Musk and his seed,

I do want to mention this next story, which I got to say, outside the murderous hatred involved in it, is one of the funniest stories I've seen in a couple of weeks.

That is the shooting incident that happened happened in Miami over the weekend, where,

I don't know how I describe this, like an insane American Jewish guy flicked off 17 shots at a father and son in a car in Miami because he thought they were Palestinians.

And when the police arrested them, he said, yes, I shot them because they were Palestinians and I killed them.

Well, the story doesn't end there because the father and son, thank God, are not dead.

They were merely injured in this hail of bullets.

But both of them were Israelis visiting from Israel who then took to social media to just say of their attack that it was an anti-Semitic attack and quote death to Arabs.

So I don't know.

This is a story that really sums up a lot of sort of our current moment in a really grim and I have to say humorous way.

Yeah,

they did freelance Gideon.

I was going to say the most Jewish shooting of all time is to send 17 shots to two people and then not kill them and then have the two guys you tried to shoot be more annoying somehow than you are

the most jewish mass shooting of all time it is it is it is incredible too because i love that there's a great like amerifat angle to it where even you know everyone is equally stupid now Jews are no longer, we no longer are predestined to be lawyers.

We're as stupid as Thomas Crookes.

Yeah.

Look how stupid everyone is because this guy is like, go, Israel.

I love Israel.

I love Israel so much.

I'm going to kill any Palestinian I see.

Wait, what are Mizrahi?

Who has been making the most advances in racism in the last 30 years?

I have never heard of them.

They must be fucking Arab.

He just saw a white BMW and open fire.

He didn't even know the windows weren't even cracked.

There's probably like, you know, if I was a smarter person, I would probably be able to like tease out some actual point here.

But like, it seems like, you know, no pun intended on the nose to be like a fucking, you know, hardcore Zionist, you know, psychopathic piece of shit and then be like, ah, my natural enemy, a guy that looks like my natural enemy.

And then the natural enemy is you.

It's two versions of you.

And you're like, I'm the superior race involved in this crime.

And the guys that I shot are also incidentally the master race, too.

Like,

it's so convoluted and contrived that you're like, you're you don't realize what point you're like not making here, I guess, if that makes sense.

Yeah, and then the then for the guys who got shot completely because this like guy who had never left Boca Raton thought that they were Palestinians, like this thing, he could just, he could see anyone and be like, boom, Palestinian.

They are like, this is why we have have to kill Kyrie Irving

he made this happen

uh well I mean I guess the last thing I'll say about this is that like especially in the climate now where you hear non-stop about like how afraid people are on college campuses and like you know like the climate of anti-semitism everywhere in this country If you tell you it up, the only people who have gotten shot or killed because of this are Palestinians in America, or at least people who thought, some guy thought were Palestinians.

So I don't know.

Maybe we could pass some laws to protect them.

I, uh, yeah, just, just completely snapping and going on a race-motivated crime spree.

And instead of shooting two Mexican guys, I just shoot two like poodle-haired Zoomers with spray pans.

They're like, like, Pendeo time didn't work out.

I'm going to fucking, and then they're just, then they immediately go on Instagram later, like, dude, I just got straight up, hey, crimed.

And they're just wearing the like big text, like, June bug MAGA hat where the text is like size 85, whatever the fuck.

Oh, man.

What?

So did that, like those guys lived, like, are they, do you think they'll start some sort of like GoFundMe or something?

Probably.

I hope so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Coincidentally, we're also doing a new fundraiser live show in Florida.

It is really funny to live next to Tel Aviv and you're like, I'm going to Miami.

Yeah, sister cities for sure, man.

I had like a biological reaction to miami i really i think i disproved zionism there because it's you know as the closest american city to tel aviv i like got the um the english sweating disease you know the famous

medieval disease that like killed millions yeah yeah it was just it was horrible for me

the worst place i've ever been that was one of the first places that i was exposed to those clubs that are like 23 hour clubs so they close at 6 a.m and then they open again at 7.

They basically like pressure wash the floors for an hour and, you know, like spray it with, you know, like the kind of Persian male kiosk

cologne or whatever the hell.

And I remember being like, I was in Florida visiting some friends and somebody was telling me like, yeah, you'll like drive past to go to work and you'll see people like, you know, halter tie, like guys in the fucking Zara for men, skin tight suits.

The Persian, the Iranian like king suits, Felix, from like 2019 those guys with like huge jaws and like the skin tight oh yeah yeah yeah like um yeah yeah you see those guys and they're waiting to get into the club and it's like 830 in the morning and these the clubs have no windows and they just go go go for like 15 16 hours I guess that like that's what your life is if you're like the henchman to a kidnapper yeah yeah if your boss is like the shake from taken yeah that's what your hours are

I Felix like you had the uh the sweating sickness in miami when we met there i like yeah like as it is like sort of spirit miami is spiritually connected with israel i i had a version of jerusalem syndrome in miami but instead of thinking i was a character from the bible i just thought i was in bad bunny's entourage yeah

yeah like i can't like i mean doing cocaine all day and having like eighty thousand dollars in credit card debt and like watching Jocko Willink videos like literally 24-7 and like, you know, David Gogginsing yourself into buying a cyber truck is really, if the best case scenario for this country is it all becomes Miami inside 15 years.

Like, it's all scams.

There's really no genuine, like, commerce anymore.

It's just like, don't get left holding the bag.

Take as much from the bag as humanly possible after you let it go.

And, or, you know, and then everywhere else that isn't that is just Salt Lake City.

Well, yeah, no, Jake, I was going to say, like, like, a version of that would just be to, like, to expand Utah to all 50 states.

So it's like, we don't really have any commerce or industry, but what we do have is 320 million citizens all buying each other's multi-level marketing schemes.

So that way it never crashes.

Okay, it is, it's interesting you said that.

The idea of like just permanently making it so that everything in the economy is like, just don't be the last guy.

Like that

famous story of like, if you own this like, fucking vase, you go to hell.

And you can only sell it for a lower price than when you got it for that's just the economy that's also that's politics from here on out too yeah just don't be the last person holding the bag when the next you know um

you know taken for granted quality of life aspect or or economic reality or or whatever in america falls just completely collapses and is never restored

every year we select one citizen to give the fell for it again award

and then we kill them.

People keep talking about this.

I think you guys kind of mentioned this, and I think that Brace and Liz were kind of talking about it too, but like this idea, I think it's wishful thinking that there's going to be some rift.

There's going to be some like thing that splits Elon world and Trump world, like that, that splits the Yarvin guys from like the traditional kind of Trump neocon guys.

I don't think that's going to happen.

I think everyone in that group truly believes that they're either building techno Miami or that they're building all 50 Salt Lake Cities.

Like, they're either building this kind of like get-rich-quick Protestant world or they're just building scam city.

And they'll just work along inside each other forever until the 2028 election where the Democrats choose John Fetterman and then lose, you know.

Felix, what was your thing?

I was thinking about your joke that you had a long time ago about the perfect American election where only 200,000 people vote.

Like the 200,000 voter election or whatever.

Like, we're so close.

I really think, like, you know, that is the more likely case.

And it's, it's sort of like part and parcel with this.

Another thing that I've been talking with people a lot

about in the past couple of weeks, especially, you know, part and parcel with the

politics defined by being the last person to hold the bag

at the same time,

at the same time as like we're stripping away everything that makes like all these economic and quality of life realities living in America possible that all the protections for those things all these things that we that were like these guardrails in Trump one where he just he wasn't allowed to to grab the the the wire it the first time yeah yeah that the none of those seem to be in place is it it's it this is it's so fucking perfect that it worked out this way that a biden was the guy through his own selfishness and arrogance and shittiness who was left holding the bag to doom the democratic party and

that through

he he wasted the last bits of deep state magic on hiding his own senelity protecting israel and hunter biden laptop bullshit the last the last bits of magic could have been spent you know, putting up bumpers and

dooming Trump to a Trump one type presidency of like go backs and hitting the guard round getting scared by State Department guys.

But

the last bits of juice they had left, they spent it on stupid ass Joe,

who is the last guy holding the bag.

It could not have worked out more perfectly for a more arrogant piece of shit.

Well, in terms of being caught holding the bag, I have just another story here that I think is sort of a portend of things to come.

And that's the president of Argentina, uh Javier Mile

did a rug pull on his whole country and obliterated something like 280 million dollars of investments in a meme coin that he promoted on Instagram and then an hour later deleted

it was called Libra I think Libra yeah I saw this from the gray zones right of it says Argentina's president Javier Mile has been announced accused of fraud and is likely to face impeachment charges after he promoted a sham cryptocurrency token which allowed a handful of con artists to dupe crypto owners out of hundreds of millions of dollars in a single day the scam is believed to be the first cryptocurrency rug pull to have been orchestrated with the help of a sitting president you know it may be the first but i guarantee you it will not be the last so trump did it too kind of right yeah

i don't think he like pulled the rug quite like this yeah it definitely like went down from its peak but it didn't just totally turn into nothing like this yeah and i love millay he's the the the head of state for a real country Argentina, no matter what you say about them, they're a real country.

A lot of people live there.

They're on Wikipedia.

You can look at it.

He did the same thing that Hawktua did, where he used to tweet 50 fucking times a day, all day, every day.

And ever since this happened, he deleted every mention of it and went, I'm going to bed, guys, and hasn't posted since

you're the president.

Beautiful.

Well, Felix, I just saw an interview that he did on like an Argentine radio program.

And the interviewers were asking him,

okay, wait, did you invest in this?

And he was like, well, no, obviously I didn't invest any of my own money.

And they were like, well, were you paid to endorse it?

And he was like, of course I charge for my opinions.

So he was like, no, it wasn't a fraud.

It was merely something that I didn't invest in and was paid to promote.

There was one of those crypto D-Gen content creator white dudes from, you know, dime a dozen type guy.

And he's in his garage.

And he's.

Oh, I saw.

I saw this.

It was great.

He's like shredded to the gills.

And he's like,

I'm about about to sell my fucking Rolex.

I'm coming to find you.

Yeah, and fucking you ruined my life.

I'm fucking, I'm broke.

I'm broke.

I'm fucking broke.

I'm gonna find you.

I'm gonna find you, Device.

I'm gonna find you.

You rugged me.

I have nothing.

I have to sell my Rolex.

I have to sell it.

I have to sell all my shit.

And I don't have anything.

I guess you're pieces of shits.

You rogged me.

You all rogged me, bro.

And I'm gonna find you.

I'm gonna find you.

Yeah, and I was was like is this the first politically motivated assassination threat based off of a rug pull like shit coin like we're entering new levels of politics completely it's it this there's nothing you can write about or like reference history really this is like this guy who decided to film this shirtless by the way to show off you know he's diced he's he's looking good springs around the corner and he's like my life's fucking over i'm gonna fucking kill you and i'm like that in and of itself is its own content economy content ecosystem.

It's like, my life is over.

I have to sell my Rolex.

I've got to sell the role.

I've got to sell the BMW because I invested in, there's a token, by the way, guys, just a little offshoot.

I can't say the word, but it's N-word butt token.

And there's millions of dollars in this.

And the picture of it is the two gay guys kissing.

And if you go on like Solana or any of the other ones, you can invest in this.

And it's soft A, but.

It's actually kind of a cool community.

I know it's like,

it sounds bad but listen to get in the discords and stuff like a lot of people move past that pretty quick yeah we we killed bretton woods for this yeah

we framed nixon for this james ingleton died for this shit do you remember like okay so i i like to think about this stuff like 150 years ago in the halls of harvard right like future senators and governors at the turn of the century right these these are young men and they're in the secret societies they're skull and bones and proselytian and all this stuff and it's you know they they have the conversations like, well, how did your father make his millions?

And my father was a steel magnet.

Oh, that's nice.

My father trades gold in the Orient.

And then 150 years later, same conversations.

It was like, how'd your dad make his money?

He was doing,

he like killed the rail project in California in favor of, you know, some like, how'd your dad make his money?

Oh, um, a black guy butt token and uh and

penis coin and rape token.

That's how he we were able to afford the Hampton house because my dad sold pictures of monkeys fucking each other and they were on the blockchain somehow.

But if you go back just a little bit less or a little bit more, you get to like Gilded Age or right pre-Gilded Age period, and you get guys like Jay Gold,

where they were just doing this, but for like 1892.

Yeah.

Where it's like, I'm going to pretend that I own all the copper in the world.

And by the time a telegram goes out that proves that I don't, already have done this 30-step plan where, you know, I crash the price of copper.

Or I'm going to pretend to sell a bridge to the

ambassador to the fucking, to the Austrian Empire.

But those

scams, it took a lot of work.

All the guys who were in Ulysses S.

Grant's cabinet, there was a lot of work that went into it.

It was like a mission impossible, one of the first three mission impossible movies.

You couldn't follow it if you were a child.

But now it's just like you just do a pump and dump in front of everyone.

Well, I think that's like a, like if you build your entire personality, identity, and obviously political worldview off of like insane dumbasses like Murray Rothbard and like, you know, these like, these guys that were like kind of Like three people, three of the worst guys you met on the computer believed in this shit, like hardcore and cap stuff and you're like all right That's fucking Tony He's really good with computers and he's kind of funny, but he believes that you should be able to sell your kids kidney if you want and you know, just don't listen to him now all those guys run like five different world governments and your other your alternative is like Macron who like, you know, is addicted to having sex with old women and like fucking, you know, and then, or, you know, Fetterman or whatever.

Those are your options.

You have like, you know, you were on the, you were on something awful, Felix.

Yes.

like like your option for political heads of state are like the most annoying and cap forum guys from 2003 guys who like are just they love wearing suits and they like love taking pictures of themselves next to next to like rented bmws or just hardworking salt of the earth mentally disabled losers like those are who you kind of get and if you want anything more than that good luck pal you know what i mean like and i think mie doing this is just kind of par for course.

Like, it makes sense.

Yeah.

I, did you see this?

Um, this is a, I think this is sort of linked to all this.

Did you see

Ruben Gallago, who like, I guess he saw like, you know, John Fetterman wandering through the Capitol building wearing a towel and thought, I should be like that.

Uh, he's, he's the guy who, um, you know, one of the few Democratic pickups.

uh this go around in the in the senate he the new senator for arizona

in 2024, he's, you know, he's sort of taking like this very third way tact.

And he said, well, we need like, you know, as Democrats, we're going to let you get a big ass truck and a job that makes you get rich.

And it's like, that's them meeting the moment.

That's that, like,

I feel like sort of when Ruben said, the Democrats, we're going to be the party that gets you a big ass truck.

That's the Democrats trying to do the Trump thing, like when he holds up the Bible and is like, you people love this, right?

Yeah.

But it's like, yeah, not even half as convincing or hateful.

Yeah, but yeah, it's insulting, but there's no like comedy or anything to it.

And it's just like, in both instances, the person who's saying it like clearly sat down and thought,

what's the dumbest I should sound to these people?

How dumb can I go before like subverbal?

Well,

but with like when Ruben Gallago does it, it just so it's so naked, you know?

Did you see the article that about them spit like so Soros and a bunch of like liberal types were got together and they're trying to figure out how to win the internet culture war and like get define their messaging and all this stupid shit.

And I'm like, you guys, unless you're going to start like a token called

like like she coin or like hope coin, like you're fucked.

Like there's like like you don't exist in the same world and so you can't participate in this battlefield because you don't, it's not made for you.

There's no like you could probably try and be honest and like listen to people, you know,

or believe different things or like have answers for

have answers for hard questions that people ask you about why they don't have health care or why you just support Israel or something like that.

But they're never going to do that.

So

just to transition into to close out a reading series for today, we are all holding out for a hero.

We all want there to be some street-wise Hercules to hold us through the night.

We were talking about at the beginning of the show about our fantasies of doing CQC and room clearing,

but being the service of good.

And I wanted to do this reading series is by Chris Arnaud writing in

the Barry Weiss Free Press.

And the headline is, All men want to be heroes.

Now, Chris Arnaud is a guy, I mean, like, I mean, you know, like, obviously I'm going to make fun of this piece, but I always kind of fucked with Chris Arnaud because he liked McDonald's and he was like out there repping the golden arches, mostly just by being like, this is where real America's at.

But, like, he's this guy who sort of goes around like photographing people.

He's one of these sort of,

I travel everywhere and just sort of like imbibe, you know, what real people are like.

He's, he's like, that's kind of his shtick.

But this article is titled, and the article begins with one of these sort of man on the road type stories.

So this is, all men want to be heroes in the free press.

And he says, I traveled around the U.S.

for 10 years, and one of my most enduring memories is of being in a dive bar somewhere in Ohio when a room full of guys were trying to break down a door.

It started because a woman got upset that her man had gone into the bathroom, locked the door, and that was a half an hour ago, and he's not answering.

And sometimes he passes out on the toilet when he's had too much.

She needed help.

Too much heroin?

Yeah, that's a yeah,

he's doing fentanyl, lady.

I'm sorry.

I hate to break it to you.

But it says,

she needed help, and for the next 20 minutes, every man in the bar gave it their best shot.

Some running and throwing their shoulder against the door, some using pool cues as a crowbar, some trying to pick the lock.

Each actor, when it was his time in the spotlight, entered with a swaggering bravado that soon collapsed in cartoonish ways.

A humiliating slip and fall, a crushed finger, a yelp of pain.

Finally, one of the guys managed to take the door off the frame using tools from his truck, revealing a real thin, spiky-haired man sprawled on the toilet, who, when woken from his concoction of substances induced sleep by his distraught woman, walked directly to the bar with an oblivious grin and ordered another drink.

He wasn't the main character of this story.

The guy who succeeded in opening the door was the hero of the night, and he knew it.

For the next two hours, he strutted around like the cat's meow.

Beaming, he recounted the story of how he opened the door to everyone, including me.

I probably heard it four times.

Each time he told it, it got more impressive, and each time someone would buy him a drink.

The image sticks with me because it was both so comical and so telling.

This was one of the diviest dive bars in the country with a diverse array of intoxicated, high, and strung-out customers.

Every

demographic was represented, with the exception of the successful.

And what I saw there was universal.

So,

how many Ohians does it take to open a bathroom door?

Yeah,

what do you make of this story of heroic exploits?

You know, first of all,

it is

darkly funny to write this article for, you know, in the online pages of, you know, if the publication itself, its founder certainly did have a part in killing an actual real hero.

Very much so.

But yeah, but

I don't know.

I just like...

All of this stuff where you like mystify something like this, this happens every day in most people's life that they help somebody do something whether they are intimately acquainted with the person or not and i get there is like some there is some like kernel of truth in here right that like i don't even think it's just it's just gendered but most people would want like some type of meaning and to feel like feel useful to other people to feel useful to others and feel like the gravity of like a a a noticeable a noticeable helping hand that they lend everyone else and that there are, you know, precious few opportunities for that in the modern American economy.

But it's just like, you know, people will say this, and then it's like, okay, then how do we do that?

By

listening to the guys in the McDonald's.

What?

How do we actually do it?

Well, I mean, like, there's a number of people here he identifies as characters or heroes in this story, but I think the unspoken hero in this incident is, of course, the bartender who continued to to serve the guy after he was dragged out of his heroin-induced stupor in a toilet.

But no, I mean,

he goes on with some suggestions here, and it says, Most of the kids the author spoke to were pretty well-educated, and a lot of them found meaning in talking about Homer and Virgil, ancient poets who understood the importance of heroes.

It reminded me of an article in The Nation I read earlier this year, which is all about the dangers of epic poetry.

The writer Orlando Reed argues that the ancient hero archetype is corrosive, bad, and unnecessary, an outdated concept of masculinity which promotes imperialism.

I thought at the time this writer is simply wrong.

I thought of that dive bar.

So I like Wiley Ulysses, who

went to his truck and removed a door from its hinges.

You are the only person in history who will remember that article.

The person that wrote it doesn't remember that.

And are people in Ohio going, I would help the local guy in my bathroom in my community, but the nation told told me that heroes are gay.

I wonder if there's like, it's like, I was going to ask Thomas, like, we talk sometimes about the, like, the, the kind of stupidity, like male loneliness, like stoicism, jujitsu world like on the show and how kind of like, if maybe you're just lonely, maybe that's it, you're just lonely, but like, it seems like one of those things where you're like, oh, all men want to be heroes.

I think all men just want to like have beer with like a guy they kind of like.

That's very, that's like you want to have a few beers with a group of guys that like tolerate you and you tolerate them.

But if you're denied that, you know, because you got laid off at Amazon and you don't have any money, then you think about all days and ways that you could save that guy from, you know, drinking a thousand course banquets and like smoking fent in a handicap stall.

Like,

what were you going to say, Thomas?

I was going to say, if

if I had a loved one tell an entire bar that I'd fallen asleep with poop on my butt and that they needed to save me, I would do no rushing as soon as I woke up.

As soon as that door gets broken down, everybody in that bar is hitting the floor.

There's no

less.

I would rather die of an overdose than be saved by a guy with tools from his truck.

If Bob the Builder comes to save me, I'm not, no, thank you.

I'm good on that.

That guy is trying to fuck your girlfriend.

Yeah,

he doesn't give a fuck about you're pooping.

You're shooting up and pooping.

You know what I mean?

You're like...

Well, I mean, I mean, this echoes a famous scene from epic poetry when Aeneas carries his father out of the bathroom of Troy.

Yeah.

What is this?

This is like one of those, like, it's a common topic of conversation that I like find my, like, find myself having, like,

with my friends we'll talk about like how kind of stupid the like um the like whatever was it like the gogginsification of the average American like young male mind where it's like you're alone out there in this in this world of dive bars and and part-time jobs and scrolling on your phone and the only way to prove yourself is through feats of great strength as if like you're the village retard everywhere you go

like you like everybody

this is david goggins not Walton Goggins.

Yeah, David Goggins, not Walton Goggins.

You're alone, little boy.

I got some tools in my truck, partner.

Yeah, like you, you and every guy in the bar are completely in their own heads.

Like, one day I'm going to save a man and I'm going to fuck his wife.

That is where every man is, I guess, mentally and emotionally.

I think boys just want to have fun.

But the article goes on.

It says, the trouble is, this archetype is kind of at odds with the modern liberal project, which favors the individual over the community and preaches that each of us can create a bespoke identity, like a tailor-made suit.

Young people are supposed to break out of the mold instead of trying to follow in others' footsteps.

But from what I've observed in my years walking cities from Phnom Penh, Cambodia to Buenos Aires, Argentina, the bulk of members of society choose to and would rather play a stock character.

People want a role in life.

the hero, the joker, the damsel in distress.

So I don't know, like, have you guys considered this?

Like, if you, if you had to be, like, sort of like,

if you were building a part, like, an adventuring party, what stock character would you be?

Oh, yeah.

Jewish liar.

Yeah,

just like Felix, like, rolling the dice to, like.

enter the cave and like rolls a three on dexterity and is like, oh, well, the role wasn't official.

It wasn't my real role.

So

I roll again and maybe I get a, you know, like the, like,

yeah, what, what role are you in the kind of world of D and D?

Kind of, are you the bard?

Do you use your gift of gab?

I guess Felix is the Jewish liar.

I think I would probably be, I don't know, I would, every man wants to be like, I'm the, I'm the Nord that goes fucking hard as hell on the villain.

Yeah, I'm, I'm as sass as Creed Paul Holland.

But I would probably be just, yeah, if you're, if you, Felix, if you're a Jewish liar, I'm just alcoholic schizophrenic.

I guess guess i'm like i'm probably like the mage that's like i'm gonna conjure up a familiar and it's just like a ghost of my dad and he just me and him hang out and like you know smoke cigarettes thomas you're probably the big-breasted beautiful sniper

perched up on a hill i got the ripe on my titties i'm about to let it bang

yeah yeah i mean i don't know i i like you know i guess i kind of agree with chris here and that like i don't really care what part i'm playing in the story as as long as I'm the hero, as long as I'm the main character.

Yeah.

Well, like, see,

what do you think?

Like,

you know, if men all day are thinking about different ways to save people, what goes on in women's heads?

What are they thinking about?

Shopping.

Yeah.

Women, I mean, women are imagining much more intricate scenarios.

Every woman's internal monologue is like a mini YA extended universe.

Okay.

Okay.

Based on their friends and enemies at their jobs.

Yeah.

There's an old cliche of like, you know, women will hold grudges for like 20 years and men, they just, you know, you save a heroin addict from the bathroom from shitting himself to death and then he's your best friend for the next 20 years, whatever the fuck, you know.

He's your familiar.

Yeah.

He's now a party member.

He knows everybody until he dies.

You save a lady and she's like, turns out she's this great archerous or whatever the fuck.

You just save Tugboat from fucking shitting himself to death from a Fendo d and every time you get into a bar fight from here on out he just materializes behind you

spirit summon the guy from the death room yeah hey hey dude i got i got block nine in the trunk and i got a bazooka also we can figure this out easy stuff yeah you can you can you can you can constantly you can call him on the codec if you're like bot you're buying like a uh sam some galaxy off of craigslist he's an expert in that dude i'm not kidding

that i have one of those guys for real now that i think about it his name is chad He builds rice burners for a living.

And every time I've gone to do a Facebook Marketplace deal, he shows up to my house somehow.

And last one we did together, he wore a pair of, you'll love this, Felix.

He wore a pair of blown-out, true-to-life, and one basketball shorts.

And the Glock that he took with him kept falling out of the shorts onto the floor of my car.

And I asked him, I was like, what do you, why did you bring the Glock, dude?

And he's like, you got to bring one of these every time you go do one of these.

You never know what people.

I was like, I'm buying this fucking truck from my buddy from like a nice Vietnamese, like old guy.

He's like, You never know, they might want to get their get back.

You know what I'm saying?

He won!

I was like,

dude, we were in traffic going to get the truck, and uh, and uh, Chad was like, You want to hold it?

And I was like, what, the gun?

And he was like, Yeah.

And I was like, Chad, I've held a gun before.

I've grew up, I've born in Texas, I've held a pistol.

He's like, Yeah, you ain't hold this one.

I was like, Chad, it's been on your balls like for two hours.

It's also a Glock, like the most popular handgun in the world yeah ever seen one of these i did hold it and i did dry fire it in the car just so you guys

that's the best

it's polite yeah you have to yeah our not sort of like anticipates where our conversation is going and he closes out by saying Probably the expert on all of this was the sociologist Irving Goffman, who spent decades observing how people occupy cultural roles and basically concluded that when we were in public, we were basically all actors with a part to play.

Like Shakespeare said, all the world's a stage.

To put it another way, cultures are a bit like video games.

They provide citizens with a limited array of characters to play, each with different strengths and weaknesses.

A successful society will accept a person's desire to play a role and do its best to encourage and promote healthy archetypes that ordinary people can inspire to fulfill.

In Japan, it might be the dedicated craftsperson.

In England, the eccentric tinker.

In France, the five-hour smoking alone, pontificating on stuff he doesn't really understand at the cafe guy.

And he closes by saying, People are obsessed with the angry young man for Trump, but what good will come of dismissing these kids as sexist and insisting that hero is an old-fashioned idea?

Okay, oh, okay.

Haven't we had enough of this article?

Yeah, like, what the fuck, man?

Like, oh, Chris Arnaud, he thinks everybody is he one of those like writers that just thinks every man in America is Adam Lanza.

Like, he's just in his mind, is just every guy is just this, like, profoundly lonely, like, fucking dude who does dance, dance, revolution videos no he he he's more of like

actually like he he did like a lot of like photo journalism around like 2016 and he did there was like some interesting stuff there just about like the types of communities and types of peoples and types of lives that like don't really get extensively documented in american media for sure But like, I just this thing where you're like

the liberal way of doing things where you say these guys are bad is not working.

Well, yeah, okay, they yeah, they lost again, clearly, even if they weren't even, they were just delivering a contentless campaign this last time in an effort to offend nobody except people who were like against the ongoing genocide.

Yeah.

This is, this is just, it's not

saying anything that I haven't read a billion fucking times before.

Yeah, well, you'll love the last sentence where he says, far better,

that hero is an old-fashioned idea.

Far better to celebrate men for wanting to save a trapped man in a bathroom or rush into a burning building.

Who cares if they're all trying to do is get praise from a woman or a free drink?

America would be a better place.

And, like, I don't think the bathroom story he told is as comparable to, let's say, running into a burning building to save someone's life.

Yeah.

And also, like, it's just like, who are you arguing against?

Like, is there.

Is there a bunch of people?

Well, that guy in the nation who said that Achilles is not one of them?

Exactly.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Is there like a figurehead for the Democratic Party?

Like, are they sending Jerry Connolly out there?

And he's like, I have one day to live.

All I have to say is those guys in that bathroom should die.

Do you, you, do you, do you really?

Like, what are you arguing against?

You know, that line from True Detective, it's real, like, real intense moment.

And Russ Cole goes, the world needs bad men.

Keep other bad men from the door.

It's just that guy at the bathroom, and he's like, the world needs fat men.

We keep other fat men from the door.

It's like

everybody, like, trying to politicize what sounds like to me, just a dope-ass Columbus Tuesday night is kind of just bizarre.

Like, if you were to go to a Pandejo time after party at a dive bar in Chicago, and then you were to, like, kind of

take inventory of the room and try to be like, there are moral and political things happening in here.

You're fucking sucking your own dick.

Like, just any dive bar in America doesn't have to be like, I'm just trying to think, like, what are we like?

Strip all of this of its gravitas and its pomp and circumstance.

There was just a fucking tweaker in the bathroom, and a bunch of drunk idiots tried to kick the door in, and it didn't work.

And then one guy had the bright idea to go, I have a Phillips head screwdriver.

Have you guys heard of this?

And then, you know, open the door up, and then, you know, out he comes to go get another bigger.

I don't know.

I mean, it's just like the

Homeric epic.

You know, it is hard to be a hero like that in the modern world because the fact of the matter is, Poseidon is just not fucking with people the way he used to.

And, like, if you're going to be Ulysses, you need to anger the gods in some way and then be like fucked with for 30 years before coming back home to it.

Okay.

And also, not for nothing, writing an article like this, where it's like the liberal fucking perception of men that they stopped doing in like 2020 when they coordinated Joe Biden is not working and it's bad and it's alienating people.

It is like exactly the same as people who started saying retarded like two weeks ago yeah

like it's like i'm sorry yeah i think the liberal world order is hollow and broken and completely discredited in the eyes of the world obviously but what about the conservative austerity program that's going to make it so the guy on the toilet will get his spine harvested by a 17 year old who got fucked on Peter Thiel's casting couch and fucking punched.

Dude, what about that?

Felix.

I'm sorry.

But that's also happening.

That fucking video that I like, I like shared and I was like, of the of the white guy in the coast of North Carolina getting stopped by ice.

And the white guy's like, hey, the big guys in the boat.

They're like, I'm so happy to follow the rules.

Yeah.

And everybody in the replies and all the quote tweets were like, see, all you have to do is comply and nothing bad will happen to you.

And you made a point of just like, even in the wildest dreams of these guys, hero moments, they just want their hair ruffled like like a fucking, by like Tim the Toolman Taylor.

They just want him to fucking Tim Allen to go.

Good job, champ.

Good job, champ.

You followed all the rules.

You don't even, no one fantasizes about like, at least in the groups of guys we're talking about, no one actually fantasizes about changing the world and like making things better.

They just want one of the guys in charge to go, you followed all the rules perfectly.

No one even wants to be riding in Metal Gear Rising Revengeance, cutting the Metal Gear Ray in half, finally fucking his wife again after five years on the road.

No one even wants to be that.

They don't want to be John Wick.

They just want David Gawkins to go, you could have been a seal.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, like, like, I think all this hero worship and like, like, uh, deference to authority, I mean, like, to just, I'm influenced by our Arnod thought now.

The stock role that most men occupy in American life is that of miserable coward.

Yeah.

So

I'm like, it's a well-cast part, and there's just like, honestly, there's too many people playing it.

So, like, that's why we need bathroom heroes to inspire us to do something better, like Aeneas or Ulysses or Hector or something.

Elon Musk, you have a great role model.

If you're in the bathroom of a Columbus dive bar, don't smoke fentanyl, jack off into a tube and mail it to a woman you love.

In fact,

if you're a McDonald's and you see, you hear a woman, oh my God, my boyfriend's trapped in the bathroom again for the seventh time this day, pull her aside and go, do you have a P.O.

box?

Do you have a way to store and receive cum?

You know this thing that we've been doing for a billion years where like,

I just fuck you and we produce another person that's straight up old school what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna smoke a bunch of this awesome chinese mystery powder and then i'm gonna dump a load into a fucking ziploc bag and mail it to you and then if i'm lucky some fucking you know some blue collar car heart wearing feller is gonna kick this door in and save me and i'm gonna very proudly deliver my baggie to you and maybe we'll produce the next quarterback

if we're lucky that's the new american dream i'm the guy who has to hold a fleshlight while elon's trying to come for forward.

Whenever they're trying to collect bullsperm, I'm the guy who has to do the reach around with the fleshlight.

Thomas, you're doing one of those

Discovery Channel dirty jobs interviews with Mike Rowe.

And he's like, you know, is this union?

And you're like, nope.

Thomas.

Because you're also playing with Elon's ass.

What is that?

I don't know.

I'm just job security, I guess.

I don't know.

Yeah, Mike Rowe is like, I'm here with Thomas here.

You know, he went to one of those

liberal colleges and got one of those humanities degrees.

And what happened, Thomas?

How did you end up, you know, how did you end up doing this for a living?

Well, I wanted to set up a live show at Sovereign House, and I ended up here.

I don't know.

Now, when you jack him off with the tube, does he speak to you?

I mean, this is a union gig, after all, so you got to have some sort of, you know,

worker protections.

He liked to, we'll do it in the middle of a big warehouse, and he'll he'll play Nine Cat over the loudspeakers.

It's really funny.

Thank you so much, Thomas, for fucking up.

What an incredible life to live.

Oh, my God.

All right.

I think

we should wrap it up there.

But before we go, we've got two bonus bits of audio, sort of audio for you today.

And I'm going to set them up for you.

The first one, I'll set this up.

Like a month or so ago, when we did our call-in show, what are the questions about our favorite animals?

And one of our answers included seals

because of the funny faces and noises they make.

Well,

a Chapo listener, who is basically a seal researcher at the McMurdo Base in Antarctica, or was there at some point, sent us some originally recorded seal noises.

This is from Rebecca B., recorded in Antarctica.

These are original seal noises that I'd like to share with our audience now.

This is an audio experience.

These are seals recorded in Antarctica and some of the noises they make.

Very good.

I kind of wanted you to press play on that and just the Hawk Tua audio fucking

come through the speakers.

I mean, Seal probably has said Hawktua.

Yeah, for sure.

All right, this is the second one.

Oh, nice.

That's like sci-fi.

Yeah, yeah.

Spaceship or something.

Yeah, that was.

You sound like Elon Musk's dick.

Let's go.

It's fucked up that you can't.

Felix, you post a lot of, you know, cuddly and cute critters.

It's fucked fucked up you can't touch those things and like befriend them like it's completely against the rules or whatever like well you you you can if you like get a degree in like yeah if you're if you're rebecca b

in zoo yeah like yeah um you can like swim with the uh one of the me and me and my fiancé are visited and her friend in florida and apparently you can swim in the clear springs with the manatees they'll come up to you it's not a zoo area it's natural but you can't touch them every picture i see of a manatee just looks like an old friend so i would you know you can't ride them or anything or

i have a texan's i got a southern man spirit so whenever i see a cute animal my first instinct is to give it budweiser like i

like like i like when i see the videos of the manatees coming up to people and there's always a comment the most top comment is like hey researcher here please don't touch the manatee i'm like i didn't want to pet it i wanted to like funnel budweiser into its mouth and be like i love this this is one of the things i love brother you can have this

well uh i just want to say uh a special shout out and thank you again to rebecca b uh for recording that in Antarctica and sending us some original SEAL content that we're happy to share with you now.

And then

thank you so much, Rebecca.

It really, and all the wonderful SEAL images and videos.

There's just nothing like seeing them in action.

It's awesome that you guys have Antarctica researcher listeners.

Sometimes a listener will be like, I work at the Loves Truck Stop

in fucking Battle, Arkansas, and I saw a human leg in the toilet.

It really is.

It really is remarkable.

Like for like 10 years, two hours to three hours a week, I get on here and I go, I think there should be a program to make a Jewish guy who can play football.

And then like marine biologists and surgeons and F-22 pilots are like, I've been enjoying your program for many years.

dude.

Felix, this was like maybe six, seven months ago in our Discord channel.

Some guy was like, I don't know, I was in there and he was like saying something.

I guess we were like, maybe like mildly roasting each other back and forth.

And someone was like, hey, brother, why don't you tell Jake what you do for a living?

And he was like, I don't want to go through this again, guys.

And they were like, no, no, no, it's an awesome job, man.

And he was like, I knew this was going to come up again.

And he goes, he goes, I am

a developer and a programmer.

And I help, you know, like I work in geospace.

And somebody is, it's like a say the line Bart.

They're like, what do you do?

What do you do?

And he's like,

I build J Damn software.

And he was like, guys, I got out of, I got a...

a degree from like a state college and like, you know, computer, whatever the fuck.

And I just needed a job.

And they're like, you took the first one to knock the Northrop Grumman, eh, buddy?

I was like, dude, there's a guy building fucking like killer robots who's just listening to me and Thomas go, Adios, hello, Adios, hello.

And I'm like, all right, this, this country's fucked.

Just know.

It really, it's like, that is the weirdest thing about podcasts is that like,

you know,

I think musicians provide like the most emotional resonance possible in like a single person outside of like maybe athletes, right?

Because

there's nothing that can like touch the human soul and just articulate the inarticulate, like the things beyond words for most people, like music.

And so, musicians are just so massive in the minds of others.

And then we like meet all these musicians

that people like fucking love, and they're like, I just listened to your episode about,

you know, stool transplants.

Yeah, yeah.

Shout out Ian Cohen, who like wrote up about like my band's, um, one of my band's albums and was like, the only drummer who's also like in an emo band and got and it's like frequently on chapo trap house and i'm like there probably shouldn't be a second one of me like

like a 30-year-old screamo drummer who also goes on like you know penis podcast

there's just one of those you know whatever

all right and then our our last bit of uh a bonus audio content for you is another matt chrisman's stroke of genius this is a poem he recorded uh about elon musk and we're gonna go out with another another matt chrisman's stroke of genius Stroke meh, stroke meh.

Here's Matt with a poem about Elon Musk.

I will just share before we start this.

I think he's a little quiet here because the baby was currently napping while he was recording.

So that that gives the tone of this piece.

Let them eat carnage.

There was no joy in the hot dog dick that day.

In a fit of Oedipus Rex, he stabbed his eyes out.

The fabled diner interview, scrambled egg on your face, the America vanishes.

It was radio radio silence.

But that's okay.

We gathered in the stadium and around the television with broken bodies on the stretchers and celebrate halftime in visceral splendor.

There stands Trump, regal and plangent as the dawn, behind musk lining up the paddles and fentanylers, ready to exclaim, you're fired.

Enoch Powell promises rivers of blood, dreams of American carnage,

the spectacle of fearsome acts goes down smooth.

Beautiful.

Another one.

Another Matt Christman banger.

All right.

That does it for us today.

Thanks again to Thomas and Jake from Pandaho Time.

Everybody, please like and subscribe to that podcast.

Thanks.

Until next time, everybody.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, everybody.

I wish you could swing

Like dolphins

Like dolphins can swing

Oh my

god