Elmer McCurdy - The Worlds Worst Outlaw

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Hello, and welcome to Citation Needed, the podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia, and pretend we're experts because this is the internet and that's how it works now.

I'm Noah and I'm going to be the mastermind this week.

But to pull off this job, I'm going to need a few accomplices.

So please welcome the getaway driver and the guys trying to get away from him, Eli, Tom, and Cecil.

All right, to be fair, when Eli is driving, everyone's trying to get away.

That's true.

Yeah, and sadly, indoors is not a safe place to hide.

We know that.

You got to be way

indoors.

Or in a baby carriage, for example.

Nope.

Listen.

And so before we get going, I want to remind everybody that without the support of our patrons, we too would have to turn to a life of crime and we'd probably suck at it.

So if you'd like to help keep us on the straight and narrow, be sure to stick around to the end of the show.

And with that out of the way, tell us, Tom, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event will we be talking about today?

We will be discussing Elmer McCurdy, the world's worst outlaw.

And with a thanks to patron Rufflebutt Sarah for the suggestion, we're going to turn to Cecil.

Cecil, you read the article?

Are you ready to weave the tail for us?

I will weave it better than Elmer's final form.

How's that?

Oh, if you listen to this for the second time.

All right, so tell us, Cecil, who was Elmer McCurdy?

Elmer McCurdy was born on New Year's Day, 1880, in Washington, Maine, to 17-year-old Sadie McCurdy, who wasn't married at the time.

Nobody really knows who his dad was, but one possibility was Sadie's own cousin, Charles Smith.

And I will pause here for a second to make sure that we give the proper space to bring up Keith's porn habits.

There's a reason that we waited for a week.

He was off to do this.

Okay, McCurdy himself would later adopt Charles Smith as an alias, maybe as a nod to dear old possible dad, or because he really didn't have a vivid imagination.

I mean, if you were named Elmer McCurdy, you'd get pretty pseudonymous pretty quickly yourself there.

I guess that's fair.

Be very, very quiet.

He's changing his name.

Raising an illegitimate kid in 19th century Maine sounded like a real drag.

So Sadie's brother, George, and his wife, Helen, stepped in and adopted Elmer.

That probably seemed like a great idea until George died from tuberculosis a few years later.

That, of course, was a devastating time for young Elmer.

So in an attempt to, I guess, throw his life completely off the tracks, his bio mom, Sadie, sat him down.

and told him the truth about his lineage.

Unsurprisingly, Teenage Elmer didn't handle the news particularly well and became, in wiki terms, quote, unruly and rebellious, end quote.

He started drinking pretty heavily around this time, a habit he would eventually master later in his life.

Right.

Some people stopped drinking.

He just got really good.

Looking amazing.

Same.

By the time he was a teenager, Elmer had started bouncing around between jobs, never quite settling down.

He worked as a plumber and a miner, moving around eastern United States for a while, but his heavy drinking made it hard to keep steady employment.

Eventually, he found himself in Cherryville, Kansas, doing plumbing work, though he probably spent more time at the saloon than fixing sinks.

Cecil's judginess about functional alcoholism,

that's the other reason we had to wait for Heath to take a week off.

Thank you.

How big was his sword collection, Cecil?

In 1907, perhaps in an attempt to straighten himself out, Elmer joined the Army, where he operated machine guns and trained in handling nitroglycerin for demolition.

The Wikipedia article very much suggests that his air-quoted training was probably a short afternoon seminar.

If there is one thing that a guy known for his alcoholism should study,

it's explosives.

Briefly.

You don't want to get weighed down.

Elmer was honorably discharged from the Quartermaster Corps in November of 1910.

Oh, let's see.

It says here to put the TNT where you want the things

to explode.

Yep.

Yeah.

All right.

I think I got it, guys.

That's

early lunch.

That's it.

As the rest of this story proves, there's a lot more to it than that.

It turns out.

Not according to me and Tom.

Once out of uniform, Elmer quickly found trouble.

After moving to St.

Joseph, Kansas, he got arrested when cops found him carrying burglary tools, stuff like chisels, hacksaws, and nitroglycerin.

In court, Elmer confidently explained that these suspicious criminal tools were for an invention he was working on, a foot-operated machine gun.

I have as many questions.

I have as many questions as everyone here.

Pixar, it didn't happen.

Exactly.

Okay, almost everyone here.

Somehow, a jury bought this story, found him not guilty, and released him.

After that brush with justice, McCurdy decided robberies seemed like a natural career step.

I feel like the jury should have just switched over and convicted him for whatever the fuck he planned on doing with his foot machine gun, right?

Or call his bluff.

Be like, all right, Elmer.

Yeah.

Get building.

We want to see.

The court demands to see.

Yeah, right.

Exactly.

Sorry, I was building it from memory.

I don't have any plans.

It's like that Junkyard Wars show.

It's like, all right, you got a chisel, chisel, hacksaw, some nitroglycerin.

Build me a machine gun.

And I have this list.

This old hood from a 1954 Chevy.

I will make a.

So McCurdy, having been trained with nitroglycerin during his military stint, probably a little less than director Big Balls on the Social Security database, decided explosives were the way to go for his new career in robbing banks and trains.

Thing is, Elmer wasn't exactly a precision explosives guy.

His method was basically eyeballing in and then making sure he had a keeping helping and then another dash for good luck.

Good luck.

I just want the listener to know that I put air quotes around good luck because it's definitely not good or lucky.

I just want to.

Yeah.

No, it's not either.

Hey, is that my lucky rabbit's foot that went flying?

Nope, that was my actual foot.

Little too much juice.

Yep, tone it back.

All right.

In March of 1911, McCurdy and three accomplices rolled into Lenaput, Oklahoma, aiming to rob the Iron Mountain, Missouri Pacific Train No.

104.

McCurdy had gotten wind that there was a safe on board with $4,000 inside, which is about $130,000 in today's money.

The gang managed to stop the train and actually found the safe.

So far, so good.

Then McCurdy decided it was time to crack the safe open with a little nitro.

Unfortunately, his explosive calculations were essentially close enough.

And predictably, he used way too much, completely blowing up the safe and obliterating most of the cash in the process.

The crew ended up with $100 to $500 in silver coins, but even those were mostly melted into a blob and fused to what remained of the safe.

So

not exactly the heist of the century.

Okay, so, and also in a callback to last week's episode, I want to remind you that a few decades in the future from this, like with the few decades of more safe technology, Clyde Barrow and his gang were cracking safes by hitting him hard with a hammer a bunch of times.

So

this is so much more overkill than even like what you think it is.

Well, you know what they say?

When all you have is nitroglycerin, you have the wrong tool.

You have the wrong technology.

You need another one.

Just another tool.

Undeterred by his previous explosive mishaps, McCurdy finds two new pals and decides to hit the Citizens Bank in Chautauqua, Kansas on September 21st, 1911.

They spent two full hours hammering their way through the bank's wall.

Now, Wikipedia doesn't say much about this except to describe it exactly as I just did.

So I'm not sure if they somehow did it from some hidden adjacent business, from an alley, or if they just decided to take a chisel to the bank wall from the street, right?

I'm building a machine gun.

Get away from me.

McCurdy

building a machine gun.

McCurdy set up another.

McCurdy set up another nitro charge to open the vault door.

After adding what he thought would be enough to blow open the door, he retreated and set off the charge.

Elmer overdid it again.

The blast didn't just open the vault door.

It launched it across the bank, destroying destroying pretty much everything inside now get this inside the vault with the door that was torn off and across the bank was an intact safe that was virtually untouched by the blast

y'all i i would i i'd blow this one too but you know there's just going to be a tinier safe in there

what happens yep

mccurdy tried yet another nitro charge to crack the inner safe, but this one didn't even ignite.

At this point, the lookout guy panicked and took off running, leaving McCurdy and his buddy to scoop up about $150 worth of loose coins sitting on a tray outside the safe.

It's about five grand in today's money.

Okay, but that take a penny, leave a penny tray was fucking low.

It's like a bucket.

Yeah.

The trio quickly hopped the train

to the Kansas border.

Spoiled quickly.

That's a lot of coins to carry.

They jingled the whole time they ran.

And they caught a train to the Kansas border, split up, and McCurdy crept off to his friend Charlie Rivard Revard.

Revard, I don't know how he pronounces it, from his ranch near Bartlett.

You gotta listen to all the episodes together.

You gotta listen to all the shows.

Bartlettsville, Oklahoma.

For the next few weeks, he laid low in a hayshed, drinking heavily and probably rereading the nitroglycerin field manuals.

Oh, TSP is teaspoons.

This is all coming together.

On October 4th, 1911, McCurdy planned his final heist, targeting a train near

Okeesa, Oklahoma, which supposedly carried $400,000 in cash as royalty payments for the Osage Nation.

But true to form, McCurdy and his buddies managed to screw this up spectacularly, accidentally stopping a passenger train instead.

Their grand haul included a whopping $46 from the mail clerk, two jugs of whiskey, a revolver, a coat, and the conductor's watch.

A local newspaper summed it up perfectly, calling it, quote, one of the smallest in the history of train robbery.

I love that they took the coat, right?

Because that gives it a whole fucking old-school Wheel of Fortune showcase feel, right?

The revolver, the watch, the whiskey, obviously,

the coat and the ceramic dog.

Yes, I remember the ceramic dog.

All I have left is for the ceramic dog.

I'll take the dog then.

That's fine.

Yeah.

At this point.

At this point, McCurdy was dejected and depressed with his discount crime spree, so he decided to settle down with the whiskey that he stole.

He headed to a ranch that he had stayed at in the past.

He was at this point suffering from tuberculosis from this time working in the lead mines.

Oh, and he had a mild case of trichinosis and pneumonia.

Jesus.

He did not let these things deter him from drinking.

He stayed up late drinking with the hired hands on the ranch and fell asleep in the hayloft.

Wikipedia is really going out of their way here to show us that McCurdy was not in peak form.

While McCurdy lay in his hayloft bunk, there was a warrant issued for his arrest.

Okay, and just nobody telling him he has any of these diseases or he's just going to try to blast them off of himself.

A posse had tracked McCurdy to the hayshed using bloodhounds and they surrounded the place and waited until daylight.

The sheriff recounts what happens next: quote: Began at about seven o'clock.

We were standing around waiting for him to come out when the first shot was fired at me.

It missed me.

And when he turned his attention to my brother, Stringer Fenton, that's a real name, Stringer Fenton.

He shot three times at Stringer.

And when my brother got undercover, he turned his attention to Dick Wallace.

Dick Wallace.

That is brother's Glory Hole.

Gaylord Buttsex was, of course, our assistant deputy.

Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina Wilkinson was, of course, our loyal deputy who was lost in battle.

Continuing the quote, he kept shooting at all of us for about an hour.

We fired back every time we could.

We do not know who killed him.

On the trail, we found one of the jugs of whiskey, which was taken from the train.

It was empty.

It was about empty.

He was pretty drunk.

I didn't want the guy to die of whiskey left over.

He was pretty drunk when he rode up to the ranch last night.

End quote.

Elmer McCurdy died from a gunshot wound to the chest.

He was shot while lying down.

So this is only the start of a wonderful adventure.

All right.

Well, it's hard to build suspense from the, and then the main character died clothes that Cecil just gave us.

So I'm gonna go with What the fuck will Cecil talk about when we get back?

Find out the answer after a quick break for some apropos of nothing

That's right stay back and nobody gets hurt you check the alarm sure did boss and the guards?

Out for a nap.

All right.

All we need now is to blow the safe.

McCurdy.

McCurdy, where the hell are you?

Kevin!

Kevin!

Yeah!

Jesus, McCurdy, where were you?

Pass chegapest.

Jesus.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Bad news, boys.

I'm not going to be able to blow this one.

That's a wall, McCurdy.

Okay.

Yep.

Oh, here we go.

Yeah.

No, this I can do.

I can do this one.

Hold this.

What is this?

Mimosa.

Why did he?

It's from brunch, Craig.

Jesus.

Okay.

Got it.

Here.

All right.

Here's a nynamite.

Nynamite.

Nynomite.

Nine.

Nynamite.

Nynam.

Nynam.

Nynamite.

Here's the exploding stuff.

Yeah, maybe you should let me.

Did I tell you how to drive the car, Alan?

Huh?

You keep saying our real names here.

I'm the explosion guy, and I got this, okay?

Let's get a little bit here, and a little bit there.

And there we go.

Good.

All right, everybody.

Take cover.

Look at that.

Perfect hole.

That's the wall again, McCurdy.

Ah, fuck you, right.

Give me more dynamite.

Nynamite.

Nynomite?

Dynamite.

I got it.

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Okay, well, how did he even get a construction crane?

Well, I feel like that's on them for not locking the fence then.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Oh, one of Tom's kids destroyed a national landmark.

Again?

Yeah, Chicago has a surprising amount of national landmarks.

Okay, but I'm going to run you all over could also be construed as a warning, right?

Okay, what happened this time?

I guess he forgot their allowance.

Oh, man, why doesn't he just try Acorns Early?

Is that a punishment?

I feel like his dad did that to him.

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All right.

All worked out.

Cool.

The kids okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It turns out, actually, that last one was Haley.

Sears really needs to be more clear about the return policy.

Sure.

And we're back for the dark part of the story.

It already had a tuberculosis riddled idiot drunkenly blowing shit up and dying in a shootout.

Cecil?

Okay, so after McCurdy was killed, his body was taken to the Undertaker in Pahaska.

That was in Oklahoma, but nobody came forward to claim him the undertaker a fellow by the name of joseph johnson used an arsenic based preservative to embalm the body which was common back then if you weren't sure when or if relatives were going to show up the undertaker shaved mccurdy dressed him up in a suit and stored him in the back room of the funeral home okay i feel like this guy has some real skeletons in his closet

At least in the back room.

But since nobody paid for the embalming, Johnson figured he'd he'd just make his money back another way by turning mccurdy into an attraction oh but when china does it with the bodies of prisoners they're the band jesus christ

johnson stood the corpse in the corner of his shop dressed him in regular street clothes stuck a rifle in his hands and charged visitors a nickel to see the bandit who wouldn't give up mccurdy quickly became a popular attraction earning nicknames like the mystery man of many aliases aliases, the Oklahoma Outlaw, and the Embalmed Bandit.

Carnival promoters soon got wind of Mercury's popularity and offered to buy the corpse, but Johnson refused to sell.

Yeah, I feel like making more money dead than you did alive is only good if you were an artist, right?

Hey, Cecil, the fuck do you mean by they stood him up?

I don't know, Tom.

Okay, I don't know much about corpses, man.

I don't, I don't know much, but I'm fairly certain they're not poseable like G.I.

Joe toys.

So, what do you guys think?

Like, pole up the ass or what?

I'm thinking big giant.

No, giant hole in his heel, like the G.I.

Joe guys.

That's what you did on a power.

And he just stands there.

I was thinking two metal poles, one in each leg.

Then it just flucks over at the waist.

Yeah.

Who goes all the way up to the shoulder?

Yeah, he put those bendies in them like a gum cross.

That's what it is.

It's a cross inside.

Then you can just change the pose every time.

That's right.

Anytime you want.

Infinitely poseable.

Hunchman in the back.

And he does a karate chop.

There's a lot of options.

Also, I feel like the bandit that wouldn't give up is clearly given up.

Yeah.

I mean, I think at this point, he had given up.

Yeah.

On October 6th, 1916, a guy named Aver showed up claiming to be McCurdy's long-lost brother from California.

Aver had already convinced the sheriff and a local lawyer he was legit, saying he wanted to give McCurdy a proper burial in San Francisco.

The next day, Aver returned with another supposed brother named Wayne.

Johnson believed their story and handed McCurdy's body over to the pair, who immediately put it on a train, headed to San Francisco.

Except it wasn't headed to California and went straight to Arkansas City, Kansas.

Oh, banjo sting.

Turns out

Aver and Wayne were just James and Charles Patterson, the owners of the great Patterson Carnival shows.

They had learned about McCurdy's popularity and the two concocted a scheme to snatch McCurdy for themselves and their carnival.

McCurdy rebranded as the outlaw who would never be captured alive.

See, Tom, they took your note.

They took your note, became a carnival attraction until 1922 when Patterson finally sold the entire carnival operation to a man named Lewis Sonny.

Then they changed his name to the Sonny Sleigh Station.

Oh, that's very good.

So, okay.

The funniest.

station.

So, so the funniest part of this, though, is to pull up this grieving brothers act, you know that they had to do some like, how dare you display our beloved brother, like some kind of carnival act indignation shit along the way.

I just love it.

Tell me, you didn't do one pole up the ass.

At least you did two pulls, one in each foot.

Oh, God.

Sonny used McCurdy's corpse in his Traveling Museum of Crime alongside wax replicas of famous outlaws like Jesse James and Bill Doolan.

Little did people know that this one had a secret filling.

In 1928, McCurdy was featured in the official sideshow of the Trans-American Foot Race, a race where people ran across the United States in 84 days.

Someone should look into that.

That seems like a really fun citation you'd say.

Then in 1933, film director Dwayne Esper got his hands on the corpse to promote his exploitation film Narcotic.

Esper displayed McCurdy's now mummified body in theater lobbies.

He also created a tale about the dried-up husk of McCurdy because marketing is everything.

He said that he was the body of a dead dope fiend who supposedly killed himself during a standoff after robbing a drugstore.

The corpse had shriveled and hardened over the years, and Esper claimed that this was because of the drug-induced deterioration, and it was proof that he was telling the truth.

Okay, but the real story of he was the dynamite guy for a train robber gang who died in a shootout with police is so much cooler.

It is much cooler.

Why dial back the awesomeness of your dead?

Doesn't fit the narrative, though.

Narcotic doesn't work.

He's got to do a different movie, I guess.

After Sonny died in 1949, McCurdy's well-traveled corpse was packed away in a Los Angeles warehouse, like a surplus Halloween decorations from a pop-up store in 1964, Sonny's.

In 1964, Sonny's dad, Dan, decided to dust off the outlaw turned prop and lent him to filmmaker David F.

Friedman, who gave McCurdy a brief cameo in the 1967 film She-Freak.

He did not win any awards for that.

Then in 1968, Tanya, he figured out it was time to cash in and he sold the body along with a batch of wax figures, for $10,000 to Spoony Singh.

Somebody have a normal fucking name in this story, my dog.

No, they're buying wax figures and desiccated corpses.

Definitely not people.

They should definitely not have a normal name.

The owner of the Hollywood Wax Museum, Singh, not particularly interested in having a mummified train robber in his collection, passed it out.

Why did he buy it?

Well, he passed it out to a couple of Canadian promoters who called McCurry.

He had a lot of foreign sale and the Phantoms looked at the bottom of the camera.

He had to buy it as a whole lot.

He had to buy the whole lot.

Yeah, yeah.

I buy lots of Atari games.

Some of them I already have.

Yeah, you just got to do it.

You got to suck it up.

That's how it works.

But then he passed it off to a couple of Canadian promoters who hauled McCurdy up to Mount Rushmore for a sideshow exhibit.

This did not go so well.

A freak windstorm ripped through the area, blowing off tips of ears.

Oh, my God.

Blowing off the tips of his ears, fingers, and toes.

Promoters, now in possession of a disturbingly weathered corpse,

decided to cut their losses and sent McCurdy back to Singh, who took one look at the now even more ghoulish remains, dusted it off, and tried to convince someone else that this corpse's best years were ahead of it.

I'm sorry.

Can you return a corpse?

Or do they just go where they pretend they thought he was alive?

They thought he was sleeping.

Going all John Cleese with a corpse in a birdcage, right?

So good.

This weekend at Bernie's Origin story was way better than expected.

Way better.

Singh offloaded the body to Ed Lears, part owner of the pike, which was a boardwalk with amusements in Long Beach, California.

In 1976, Elmer McCurdy, the bumbling bandit, the carnival attraction, the accidental movie star, was hanging.

from the ceiling of the laugh-in-the-dark funhouse where he blended right in with the rest of the cheap props.

At this point, McCurdy had been dead for 65 years, and his transformation from incompetent outlaw to literal funhouse dummy was complete.

Hey, guys, I know the afterlife isn't real, and I shouldn't care what happens to my body when I die, but I do think I have found the one thing I'm not okay with.

I know.

Okay, but here I am trying to figure out how to include this as a definite yes in my will.

This is right.

Same.

Same, Tom.

You guys on a mini golf course if you want.

I can make that happen.

Sure.

Dude, absolutely.

Put me in the windmill.

Prank war for life.

Never get through.

That's what the recording will say while your arm swings back and forth.

In December of that year, the production crew of the Six Million Dollar Man filmed some of the episode Carnival of Spies at the pike.

One of the best boys had a little too much of a grip, and he literally tore off Elmer's arm by trying to move him to the side.

When he saw the bone and the muscle, he figured it wasn't your everyday paper-mâché dummy and called the authorities.

The cops came, collected the now 50-pound 5-foot-three body that was covered in layers of paint and took him to the coroner.

Okay, if nobody on the set of the $6 million man made the we can rebuild him joke, it is a silence that echoes to this day.

I'm sorry, Cecil.

What do you mean, covered in layers of paint?

He was like an everlasting ghoul stop.

One, two,

three.

That ain't no Tajiro.

There they found Elmer had been completely mummified.

He was covered in wax and paint.

They found the original incisions from his embalming and tests came back positive for arsenic, which is what they would have used back then to do the embalming.

They did some other tests and found that he had matching tuberculosis, bunions, and a skull to a really bad bankropper from the early 1900s, Elmer was positively identified as the now armless, earless, fingerless, and toeless dummy.

By December 11th, 1967, McCurdy's weird post-mortem travels had sparked a full-blown media sensation.

Everyone was talking about the outlaw turned carnival attraction, turned funhouse mascot.

Several funeral homes even stepped up, offering to bury McCurdy free of charge, probably figuring it was good publicity.

Sorry, Sorry, I know you're looking at the coffins.

I just wanted to let you know we were actually the ones who buried that criminal whose arm got ripped off by a microphone guy.

You've seen six million dollar man

so you know just know that that's who you're trusting with your daughter.

You're gonna want the smaller coffins.

But officials held off, waiting to see if any long-lost relatives would miraculously step forward to claim him.

Shockingly, no one raised their hand to take responsibility for the mummified remains of a fallen train robber who spent decades being passed around like a wax dolphin you get at SeaWorld.

Okay, Cecil, one of my neighbors once left a note on our door that our Halloween decorations were too satanic for a neighborhood with children.

I would order that motherfucker off of eBay today if he was still available.

I know you wouldn't.

I'm not searching for an addition to the Gary family.

That's all.

Yeah, exactly.

A group that was dedicated to preserving Old West history finally took possession of the body on April 22nd, 1977.

McCurdy finally got his long overdue funeral.

A full procession transported him to

the Boot Hill section of Summit View Cemetery in Gurthy, Oklahoma, a burial ground famous for housing Old West outlaws.

Around 300 people.

But you pronounced it incorrectly.

I think that's a great phrase.

Sorry, sorry.

Sounds like the name of a guy in this story.

Sorry, about that.

I'm so bad at reading things a lot.

Around 300 people showed up to pay respects to the man who had spent more time on display than he ever did as a criminal.

McCurdy was buried next to Bill Doolan, a legitimate outlaw, which had to feel like an insult to Doolin on some level.

Just to make sure no one got any ideas about stealing McCurdy again.

Two feet of concrete was poured over his casket, ensuring that after 66 years, the bandit who wouldn't give up finally was forced to give in.

All right.

So, if you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be?

No matter how bad your life is, your death can be so, so much worse.

There you go.

This is an anti-suicide

episode.

If you think about it, it's like a public service announcement.

Are you ready for the quiz?

Let's do this.

All right, C.

So, what was written on Elmer's tombstone?

A.

Elmer McCurdy.

Life was a real blast.

B,

here lies Elmer McCurdy.

Finally.

C.

Elmer McCurdy, as much a dummy in life as in death.

Oh, man.

I wish there could be all of the above, but it's got to be C.

It is C, in fact.

All right, I've got one for you, Cecil.

Um,

which of us is best qualified to have an Elmer McCurdy-like posthumous career, and what would our job be?

A, Tom, wrecking ball, as in life, as in life,

B, Eli, bouncy castle.

Nice.

C.

Cecil, very unwieldy mock.

Okay.

D.

Heath, signpost, because of the tall.

And me,

wacky, waving, inflatable, flailing tube match.

It is definitely someone who can't protect themselves right now.

It's D.

Heath signpost.

It was heath, yes, because he's tall.

Yeah, tall.

All right.

Cecil.

What should the Western starring Elma McCurdy be called?

A,

the good, the bad, and the mummy.

Nicely done.

B.

For a few dollars more.

That's awesome.

C,

the Bone Ranger.

Or D.

That's pretty good.

310 to human remains.

I love that one.

I love that one.

310 to human remains is fucking amazing.

That's actually really bravo.

That's outstanding.

I was like, I can do this question.

Oh, outstanding.

It's D.

It's got to be D.

You won no matter what?

That's right, no matter what.

Well, I want an essay from Tom next week.

All right.

Well, for Cecil, Eli, Tom, and Offen, Heath, I'm Noah.

Thank you for hanging out with us today.

We're going to be back next week.

And by then, Tom will be an expert on something else.

Between now and then, you should check out all our other shows, especially Cecil's new show, The No Rogan Experience.

And if you'd like to help keep this show going, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash citationpod or leave us a five-star review everywhere you can.

And if you'd like to get in touch with us, check out past episodes, connect with us on social media or check the show notes.

Be sure to check out citationpod.com.

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