Cuban Missile Crisis

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Hello and welcome.

Citation Needed, a podcast where we choose a subject, read a single article about it on Wikipedia, and pretend we're experts.

Because this is the internet, and that's how it works now.

I'm Heath, and I'll be hosting this roundtable about an epic naval blockade.

And I'm joined by some first-class X-Men with mutant podcasting powers, aka the Cerebros.

We have the Swordsman, LARPing Saber Tooth,

the Juggler, Juggler Not, the

Poetic Force from that sketch that one time.

So I clip-flops Tom and

the mentalist magic Nito.

Cecil, Noah, Tom and Eli.

Well, at least I got the dopest hair out of all of my

hair.

I'm jealous.

I got the dopest hat.

That's a pretty good consolation.

You did.

Clip-clop.

I want you to know that even I would have introduced myself as Jubilee, so I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of you.

Eli, genuinely, I wrote down Jubilee and I'm not sure.

There's nerve doubt in my heart.

I was like, virginity.

Eli has to pick it.

I can't.

I have to do something different.

All right, let's get into it.

Tom, what person, place, thing, concept, phenomenon, or event are we going to be talking about today?

The Cuban Missile Crisis.

All right.

And what is

a dark slam poem about the end of days to star sauce

by the hands that pull the levers of state must at all times since 1945.

hold steady and calm.

I'll start over.

Keep the slam going.

I'm snapping.

I'm snapping.

The hands that pull the levers of state must at all times since 1945 hold steady and calm when confronted with dire threats.

For only the last 80 years, or about the last 0.02%

of human history, have a tiny handful of men held the fate not only of nations, but of all life on Earth, in their hands.

It is an awesome and terrible responsibility that only the most serious and steadfast among us should ever shoulder.

Which is why the story of the Cuban Missile Crisis seems in this moment of ever-heightening tension and ever more buffoonish and feckless world leadership to be not just interesting, but urgent.

This is a story that unfolded in its crisis stage across 13 days, but also won years in its making.

Tardigrade takes off his headphones in disgust.

Our life on Earth, Pam, Ramon Blues.

Out.

I'm just saying the hands pulling the levers of state right now are not big enough to hold all that fate shit you were just talking about.

Tell me about it.

Eggs were expensive, though.

So 1961.

Big faces, though.

Big faces.

Big, yeah.

In 1961, Fidel Castro requested a bunch of anti-aircraft missiles from its benefactor and ideological ally, the Soviet Union.

But the Soviets never got around to shipping the missiles.

And Cuba, feeling the burn of a lover's scorn, began to publicly give the Soviet Union a bunch of shit and essentially called the USSR a bunch of revolutionary posers and started flirting around with the Chinese.

The Soviets got jealous and they began to worry that any appearance of a public rift between the two communist nations would set the stage for an American invasion.

And so the Soviets gave in and sent these weapons on to Cuba.

Yeah, China was the cool ant that let Cuba smoke in the house, you know.

And everyone was probably pretty right to be worried about an American invasion.

The U.S.

government was not particularly shy about backing their own ideological ponies across the world and particularly through Central and South America.

Yeah, I know, we had a whole doctrine for it and everything.

Yeah.

And a corollary.

And so so in 1961, under Kennedy, the U.S.

launched the Bay of Pigs invasion, a disastrous attempt to use CIA trade and Cuban expats to overthrow Castro's government.

Came back to bite him in the ass when Bush Sr.

killed him.

Jesus Christ.

Back into the left to bite him in the ass.

And we cover this mess way back in April of 2020.

And afterwards, Eisenhower warned Kennedy that this debacle would embolden the Soviets to pull their own shit in Cuba.

And the U.S.

didn't give up fucking around in Cuba.

The U.S.

essentially undertook a series of straight-up state-sponsored terrorism against Cuba, using the CIA and the U.S.

military to attack both military and civilian targets.

The goal was to overthrow the Cuban government, and the effort was sustained, intense, violent, and ongoing.

In 1962, the economic warfare began, with the U.S.

launching an embargo against Cuba and mandating a series of guerrilla operations aimed at fomenting, quote, the open revolt and overthrow of the communist regime.

Yeah, well, we tried to blow up Castro while he was scuba diving with an Acme seashell bomb, but I think the plunger didn't work or something.

So all we had left at that point was, you know, violent regime change.

Yeah.

And don't worry, guys, I'm sure that embargo is going to work any minute now.

We are wearing them down.

So all of this was quite worrisome for the USSR.

Relations with the USSR and the U.S.

were, to say the very least, strained.

Kennedy ran for office in part on a campaign of closing the nuclear missile gap with the Soviet Union.

Now, the only problem with that platform is there was no nuclear missile gap with the Soviet Union.

The USSR in 1961 had between four and 75 R-7 intercontinental ballistic missiles, while the U.S.

had 170 active ICBMs and many more in production, in addition to a shitload of world-annihilating destroyers silently drifting beneath the world's oceans, housed in our submarines.

But of course, no one is honest about how many missiles they have, so everyone thinks everyone else's dick is way bigger than it actually was.

And Khrushchev was telling the world that the Soviets were building missiles like sausages.

And everybody was pretty much racing to build as many bombs as possible.

It was the worst thing for mankind.

Worst.

Well, I mean, they were building them like sausages in their ability to strike international targets, at least.

And Khrushchev also thought Kennedy was weak and indecisive, and the Bay of Pigs mess reinforced that perception.

Aides to Khrushchev reported that Kennedy was, quote, too young, too intellectual, not prepared well for decision-making and crisis situations, too intelligent, and too weak, End quote.

Khrushchev was certain that Kennedy was all bluff and bluster, and that at the end of the day, he was an effect nobody who would back down if Bush came to shove.

And he intended to shove.

Okay, I feel like it's the accent of Kennedy that's making

oh, yeah.

Who can forget those debutantes trying to fight their daughter in the parking lot of a Dunkin' Donuts?

Well, it's nice to know that we took care of that problem where foreign leaders thought our president was too intellectual or intelligent, though, right?

oh no

khrushchev was worried about the u.s deployment of missiles across europe including missiles staged in turkey a location that everyone understood gave the u.s a major first strike advantage and in a nuclear war anything that extends beyond the first strike is just a massive loss for literally everyone in the world so khrushchev decided to counter that threat with one of his own by placing nuclear-capable missiles in Cuba, which is only 90 miles or so from the U.S.

mainland, if you count Florida as mainland.

In 1962, Soviet ICBMs weren't very accurate or reliable, nor, as we've discussed, nearly as numerous as they would have everyone believe, but they did

have a bunch of much better and much more accurate and reliable medium-range ballistic missiles.

which paired much better with the skip a stone distance between Cuba and the U.S.

So as a staging ground for a first strike, there's pretty much no place better.

I mean, I assume you're not counting grandma's Facebook because then, sure, yeah, I guess sometimes.

Now, it should also be noted here that Khrushchev knew that the U.S.

was going to find out about these missiles and that the U.S.

was not going to be excited about the prospect of radioactive thermonuclear Armageddon delivery vehicles stationed literally a handful of miles away from U.S.

soil.

But what he also understood was that getting these missiles into Cuba gave him not only military power, but also tremendous political leverage.

The presence of the missiles, he believed, would also allow Khrushchev to strong-arm Kennedy into giving up its protection of West Berlin, a prize much sweeter than Cuba.

So even if Khrushchev had to trade missiles in Cuba to gain West Berlin, it would still have been a huge win for the Soviets.

Really sounds like a late-stage risk board with no one controlling any contact.

What do you mean Australia has no back?

So in 1962, Khrushchev pressured Castro to accept the placement of nuclear missiles in Cuba, and the operation began in utmost secrecy.

Almost no one knew the precise nature of the operation, including many of the troops detailed to the mission itself.

In fact, troops being deployed to Cuba were lied to about their destination and told to bring cold weather gear for their deployment.

And they were outfitted with parkas and ski boots and winter gear before leaving.

Okay, but bring seven bathing suits for the there's hot tubs.

I love the idea of all these guys getting out, all sure that they've been sent to the wrong place by accident, but nobody wanting to remind the teacher to give them homework, right?

Okay, but nuclear missiles are very hard to keep secret, especially if your government and military is a bloated and bureaucratic disaster.

And by July, a total of 43,000 foreign troops were now in Cuba to support the mission, a number which seems vastly out of proportion to what could possibly be needed, and which just has to be suspicious as all hell.

And despite having sent a team of agricultural engineers to scope out good hiding places for the missiles, The Soviets decided they could just like stick the missiles under some palm trees and whistle and walk away.

Okay, what if we got really big drink umbrellas and we put those?

So also,

the missiles themselves were made in Russia, which is cold and dry.

But the missile pieces were now being assembled in Cuba,

which is

neither of those.

And so pretty much right away, all the stuff that the troops brought with to get started got corroded.

Fuses failed, engines burned oil everything just sucked which made the 43 000 troops trying to hide a medium-range nuclear ballistic missile almost comically easy to spot just whistling lulu lu doing cuba stuff 70 70 foot long metal cigars are my favorite stuff normal

so by august the u.s had figured out the soviets were building missile stuff in the backyard and not only because of the missiles but also because the soviets started building a bunch of missile support stuff, like surface-to-air missile systems, which are pretty much a big neon sign saying, Look here, under these palm fronds.

And so some U-2 spy planes flew around taking spy pictures, and they spied themselves some missile-launching palm trees.

But for the last time, we know that war bodies aren't a thing.

You're going to put them on missiles.

We know you are.

And then the Cuban.

Give some really big coconut drinks, I think.

I think it's just a lot of large umbrellas.

And then the Cuban president, Osvaldo Torado, gave a speech at the UN where he basically said, hey, we have some big, badass weapons now, so don't fuck with us.

While at the same time, the Soviets insisted, no, no, no, those are just palm trees and defensive weapons, but definitely no missiles.

Oh, but also, if anyone tries to stop the Soviets from bringing what were absolutely not missile parts to Cuba, that would be considered an act of war for stopping the not missiles.

So there were just definitely missiles there.

Yeah, you can understand why they started using puppets in our government instead.

All this back and forth is confusing, right?

Keep it in-house.

On October 16th, Kennedy was notified, and they came up with six options to respond.

The first was to do nothing and just accept, hey, there's missiles in Cuba now.

The second was to use diplomatic pressure to force the Soviets to get rid of those missiles.

The third was to offer Castro the choice of parting from the Soviets or be invaded.

The fourth was to just invade Cuba.

The fifth was targeted airstrikes.

And the last option was a U.S.

naval blockade to prevent any more missiles from arriving in Cuba.

The Joint Chiefs of Staff unanimously agreed the only option was a full-scale invasion of Cuba.

All right, we tried the Bugs Bunny Saw thing and smashing them with Florida.

Nothing left to do.

Invasion.

We'll see how it goes after some apropos of nothing.

And then apparently they let big balls drive a fighter jet?

Okay, well, that seems bad.

Yeah, you didn't let me finish.

Listen to where they let him drive it.

Okay.

All right, enough of this.

You guys are just fucking with us now.

Holy shit, aliens.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Did the Trogmorians get in with you on this?

Or what the fuck's going on?

I swear to God, I will phaser rifle you.

I don't know what you're talking about.

What is a Trogmorian?

Look, like, 70 years ago, when it looked like you guys were going to blow yourself up any second, we may have gotten a little drunk and win a substantial set of space credits on every year that you guys did not blow yourself to smithereens.

Right.

And needless to say, it's been a real nail biter, but at this point, you guys are costing a block and a flugel for us.

You think that's arm and a leg?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what we called him.

Yeah.

Look, all our other words are English.

Yeah, look, man, we don't know what to tell you.

We're just as surprised as you are.

Definitely.

Fine, fine.

You swear you're not in on this.

Nope, not me.

Nope.

All right.

Well, then,

as you were.

I mean, I bet the Trogmorians would give great odds right now, right?

That's exactly what I was thinking.

Do you think we could call them?

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And we're back.

When we left off, Schrödinger's Kennedy was deciding if he should invade Cuba.

What's next?

So, Kennedy was not at all convinced an invasion of Cuba was a great idea.

And while the Joint Chiefs were certain that Khrushchev would sit back and let Cuba be invaded, Kennedy was equally sure that an invasion of Cuba would give the Soviets the pretext they needed to take over West Berlin.

And not everyone agreed that missiles in Cuba actually accomplished much in the way of changing the balance of strategic power.

You see, an ICBM travels at about 15,000 miles per hour.

This was back in 1961 terms.

So even staged in the Soviet Union, the missiles in existence before being staged in Cuba could still strike the U.S.

in less than an hour from launch.

A few more missiles, a few minutes closer, might not actually matter that much.

Okay, but Sarapelin can't be everywhere.

We have to be silent.

Yes, of course, sir.

uh you see the americans will be 43 minutes more scared if we

we were though what did change was the politics of the situation so kennedy had just a month before the crisis declared that quote if cuba should possess a capacity to carry out offensive actions against the american people america would act coward so the timing of this thing is not great i did not do the voice and kennedy also knew he couldn't just show the world that the Soviets could put missiles in America's backyard without a response without risking losing political power and authority across the globe.

Did he consider having a beautiful phone call to make deal?

Okay, not loving that nuclear policy was based on the risk of like two for flinching policies.

But Kennedy.

after considering and rejecting invasion plans, settled on the naval blockade.

Problem was that technically a blockade was an act of war according to international law, but Kennedy didn't think the Soviets would respond to a blockade of Cuba as an all-out act of war.

The argument from just the tip of the act of war.

And on the 22nd of October, Kennedy met with congressional leaders to propose the blockade.

But Congress thought the blockade was not a strong enough response.

Kennedy chose to move forward anyway, and that evening addressed the nation in a televised address announcing the discovery of the missiles and the blockade, which he had renamed a quarantine to avoid legally starting a war.

Because it's socialist distancing.

During that speech, U.S.

forces were placed on DEF CON 3.

That is a state of increased force readiness, and a bunch of Navy ships were dispatched for the blockade, and shit was beginning to become very, very real.

But they were only able to get a few ships for the blockade, so it was about as effective as playing tag around a kitchen table in your socks.

The world understood immediately what was at stake and responded.

The Chinese Daily People announced that 650 million Chinese were standing by the Cuban people.

In West Germany, fear rippled through the populace that the Soviets would target West Berlin for retaliation.

The Pope, well, the Pope offered platitudes, while in the Soviet Union, the blockade was construed as piracy that would lead to war.

I like that you included that the Pope is still useless, Tom.

Should we just randomly insert that into all our essays?

Public service announcement every so often.

Well, yeah, no, because the Pope offered platitudes.

That was the entirety of my essay on the papacy.

And you guys said it was too short.

So

I'm just glad it found a home somewhere on our show.

That's the job.

Pretty much the whole thing.

Now, the 24th of October, Khrushchev began sending rushed telegrams.

This is a 1960s equivalent of furious late-night tweeting, trying to convince Kennedy that the Soviets would have no choice but to ignore the blockade, casting the world into a dangerous game of nuclear chicken.

Hey, John, yup.

Stop.

I'm going to blow up the world.

Stop.

Don't at me.

Did he read it?

On the 25th of October, after a tense confrontation between the U.S.

and Soviet ambassadors, the DEF CON level was raised to DEF CON 2.

This is defined as being near nuclear war.

DEF CON 1 means the bombs are flying.

So DEF CON 2, there is no higher state of non-war nuclear readiness.

For the only time in U.S.

history, bombers were put on continuous airborne alert.

145 ICBMs were placed on alert.

161 nuclear-armed interceptors were placed on 15-minute alert status.

23 nuclear-armed bombers were sent to orbit points within striking distance of the Soviet Union.

That one guy has to come in and off hours and change the DEF CON clock.

He's so pissed about it.

He's like, motherfucker.

He's on the phone.

No, you got to hold clock for three seconds and then it punches.

You know what?

I'll be there in 10 minutes.

God damn it.

This does really make me wonder what Kanye thought he was threatening the Jews with.

Great question.

So in very sharp contrast, the Soviets did nothing.

No increased alerts or readiness, no increased bomber flights or air defense posture.

The U.S.

was convinced that the end was nigh, but it seems the Soviets were just as sure that all of this was posturing and that the only way to assure that there would be a world left after all of this chest thumping was over was to make sure not to match energy for energy.

Cool.

Cool, cool, cool, cool.

The fate of humanity was resting on the vibes of the energy.

Yeah,

yeah.

But better than being in the fucking opiate-addled, lidocaine, anesthetized, librium, tranquilized, amphetamine-stimulated hands of JFK,

who was also on barbituids and steroids at the time.

I just couldn't think of a way to fit them into my little thing.

Jesus Christ,

so many drugs.

Ready, aim FOIA.

Sorry.

FOIA.

On the 26th of October, Kennedy began to worry that only an invasion of Cuba could remove these missiles, but he was convinced to continue to use military and diplomatic pressure.

Flights over the island were increased from twice a day to every two hours.

Plans were drawn up to institute a new civil order if the U.S.

toppled the Cuban government.

All options were on the table, and all options were moments away from being acted upon at any time.

Kennedy was increasingly sure the Soviets would not back down and that an invasion of Cuba would be required.

And everyone was equally convinced that that invasion would lead to a nuclear response from the Soviets.

The end of the world was very much in sight.

I mean, to be fair, right now, America sounds like the guy who's convinced he's waiting in the parking lot for a bouncer who left from his shift two hours ago.

Yeah, but anytime the world's continued existence is dependent on Americans not freaking the fuck out about nothing, the end of the world is in sight.

Now, Khrushchev, Khrushchev had misread Kennedy.

He had believed that installing the missiles in Cuba, this would force the weak Kennedy into a rapid position of compromise.

But instead, it had strengthened the resolve of the U.S.

position.

And increasingly, Khrushchev's telegram messages became defensive, poorly phrased, and poorly edited.

It was clear that Khrushchev was beginning to panic from the consequences of his actions and the U.S.

began to dominate the negotiations.

Just Kennedy's staring at a telegram that says, despite the constant negative press, Kvifafe,

okay, I think he's getting ratioed.

That's a good gap, right?

We're winning, right?

At this point as well, secret negotiations began to take place between KGB Soviet emissaries and State Department officials.

And secretly, the Soviets offered to remove the missiles from Cuba and for Castro to announce that he would reject further placements of nuclear missiles on Cuba in exchange for a promise from the U.S.

that they would not invade.

And the U.S.

responded that it was unlikely to invade if the missiles were removed.

So our response to de-escalating the end of the world was, maybe.

Yep.

Khrushchev blinked.

And that is what saved the world from annihilation.

Or saved the world from JFK blinking.

We can never know for sure.

The gambit, which has set the world closer than it may have ever been to being consumed in hellfire and radiation, had failed.

In a long and emotional telegram communique, Khrushchev himself iterated that basic offer that the KGB had proffered.

He said, I propose we, for our part, will declare that our ships bound for Cuba are not carrying any armaments.

And you will declare that the United States will not invade Cuba with its troops and will not support any other forces which might intend to invade Cuba.

Then the necessity of our military specialists in Cuba will disappear.

I'll stop if you stop.

Stop.

Can we put a winky face?

Castro, however, had not been consulted.

And he was still very much convinced that the U.S.

was full of shit and would invade as soon as the nuclear nuclear deterrent was removed.

Give a guy one exploding cigar, right?

So he began agitating with the Soviets for a preemptive first strike against the U.S.

and ordered that anti-aircraft guns fire against all U.S.

planes flying over the island.

On October the 27th, a new message began to emerge from Khrushchev.

Now the Soviets would remove the missiles from Cuba if the U.S.

removed its missiles from Italy and Turkey.

And Turkey, for its part, did not want the missiles removed, whereas the Prime Minister of Italy was only too happy to offer up some of its U.S.

missile sites in exchange for an end to this standoff.

Tensions further ratcheted up when a rogue Soviet commander fired a surface-to-air missile and took out a U.S.

U-2 spy plane.

And later that day, other photo recon planes were fired upon.

It's so weird.

The more you guys say, maybe, the roguer our commanders get.

I just don't know what's going on with these guys.

So, Kennedy had previously stated that if U.S.

planes were fired upon, the U.S.

would respond by retaliating through airstrikes against the missile sites.

But Kennedy felt that negotiations were proceeding just well enough that an attack now would damage the talks.

So, Khrushchev denied that a Soviet soldier had fired upon the U.S.

spy plane and said instead that it was a Cuban soldier under orders from Raul Castro.

Okay, we're all lying about everything, and we we all know we're all lying about everything.

So, like,

tie?

Tie

Robert Kennedy began to negotiate, increasing the pressure on the Soviets by telling them that although JFK chose not to escalate after the spy plane was shot down, quote, the president is not sure that the military will not overthrow him and seize power, end quote.

A reality that seemed much more plausible to the Soviets than it was close to reality

back then.

Yeah.

Well, but I feel like if Raul Castro shoots down one of our planes, RFK should get to shoot down one of theirs, right?

That's like perfectly fair.

It balances it right out.

And then definitely have no children.

Yeah, no, I'll just say that get a vasectomy.

So Kennedy was close to acquiescing to the missile trade, but was convinced instead by his advisors, and I love this, to simply ignore the last offer from Khrushchev as if it had never happened and revert back into negotiating.

based on the first offer, which was the pinky swear not to invade Cuba.

Did Khrushchev just double dog dare us?

We're going to leave it on red.

Yes.

The U.S.

was hopeful that this tactic would work, but they did not expect it to.

The expectation was that a full-scale invasion and likely a nuclear war was imminent, a day, possibly two days away.

These guys were negotiating the terms of the end of all things.

Plans and counter plans were being drawn up.

An offer was on the table now, but it was a bold move.

The most recent offer was just being completely ignored as if it had never happened.

And the only give back to Khrushchev was a promise not to invade Cuba, a promise that once the missiles were removed could be rescinded at a moment's notice.

Oh, like the U.S.

would completely ignore the terms of their own nuclear treaty.

Thank you.

On the 27th of October, all the missiles that were being readied in Cuba were, according to the CIA, completed and ready to fire.

The U.S.

offer was in Khrushchev's hands, as was a letter from Castro urging the use of nuclear weapons to retaliate if the U.S.

carried out any act of aggression on Cuba.

Time was ticking, and with every passing minute, the tensions continued to rise.

Tom, I want you to know that I'm nervous, and I know I'm not a radioactive cockroach.

So

weave, weaver.

Which is why it was particularly bad timing when the U.S.

Navy chose that moment to drop a bunch of signaling or practice depth charges on a Soviet submarine.

This was a submarine.

armed with nuclear torpedoes.

Hey guys, we're going to call a timeout on Japes practice for a a couple days.

You did what?

Why do we do that at all?

Now, this sub, this nuclear sub, was too deep to get radio traffic.

And it had no way to tell if the depth charges were an attack or an accident.

And the captain of the sub thought this was an attack and he proposed, hey, man, let's launch all these nuclear torpedoes.

But to launch that nuke, the captain needed the agreement of the flotilla commander, who, as we all know, because we're alive,

declined to end the world.

Right in Gene Hackman's face, he did.

That's right.

That was awesome.

It's a movie reference.

I know he died recently.

Yeah, too sick of this, but he did somebody.

He was in the film, I promise.

Now, also, happening pretty much around the same time, a U-2 spy plane.

made an accidental overflight of the Soviet Union's territory, prompting a scramble and confrontation in the air between the spy plane and two fighter jets who were also armed with nuclear air-to-air missiles.

Air-to-air.

Okay, nuclear air-to-air missiles are just, that's ridiculous overkill, right?

Like, oh, chemical explosives delivered at Mach 4 against the airplane.

What the fuck are you accomplishing?

All right, so the U-2 was escorted out of Soviet airspace, and I imagine Jockey shorts the world over were thrown away.

On October the 27th, Kennedy agreed to remove U.S.

missiles from the Soviet border, Turkey, and Italy in exchange for the Soviets removing missiles from Cuba.

And the next day, in a public address, Khrushchev announced that a deal had been struck.

The two leaders had come to the very brink of annihilation.

Planes were shot down.

Others confronted in the air.

Nuclear submarines were accidentally attacked, and all during a period of higher tension than ever imagined.

What the U.S.

didn't know at the time was that there were already 162 nuclear warheads in Cuba, and that the Soviets and Cubans had already agreed that any invasion would immediately have been met with a full-scale nuclear response.

It was, however, only because of two men that the world did not end in 1962.

And both the Soviet and U.S.

governments, advisors and both governments, insisted on strong, immediate, and disastrous military action.

If either Kennedy or Khrushchev had followed the advice of their respective governments, no no one on this podcast would have ever been born.

So following that crisis, a hotline was established, allowing for a direct connection between the two nations, but specifically between the two leaders.

And that awesome and terrible.

They're all into each other's DMs.

That's nice.

Now, that awesome and terrible power and responsibility to maintain a cool head in times of intense existential pressure now rests in the hands of Trump and Putin.

Damn it.

Sleep well, kids.

Why are you doing fuck, Tom?

God damn it.

All right.

All right.

If you had to summarize what you've learned in one sentence, what would it be?

So close, yet so far.

And are you ready for the quiz?

I am indeed.

Fun fact, Joe Rogan thinks it was aliens that stopped us, not Kennedy and Cruz.

Jesus.

Seriously,

he said it.

He said a recent podcast.

Well, I don't think it was a recent podcast.

I think it was the Peter Thiel one where he said that it was aliens have been basically whenever there's a big thing that happens with nuclear weapons, they come down and be like, No, no, no, and then we don't.

And so he just got dumber.

That's

really stupid.

All right, hey, Tom.

I think I decided the presidential election.

Khrushchev had a bunch of sausage-related idioms.

Which one was his favorite?

Oh, God.

A, a license to kill Basa.

That's true.

B,

B,

Genoa, this thing backwards and forwards.

Okay.

Okay.

C.

School of Hard Knockworst.

Or

C.

Brains over Braun Schweiger.

I am glad he did not exercise his license to kill Basa and he instead used his brains over Braun Schwager.

So I'm going with D.

Correct.

all right uh what is the name of the video game based on this incident are you fucking kidding me okay is it a qbert

b

the warsaw pact man amazing amazing c missile command which was genuinely inspired by the recurring nightmares about these events that haunted programmer dave theorer for his entire life or d

castro bot amazing also Amazing.

Very good.

C has a suspicious amount of details when I'm dealing with the power.

It is.

It is.

What?

Yeah.

All right, Tom.

It's nice to know the Cuban missile crisis could never happen today because A,

both governments are under Russian control.

B, nobody in the Trump administration can count high enough to do the nuclear codes.

Well, C.

What are the chances of NOAA living through two missile crises in one lifetime?

I don't think we're going to live through the next one.

An Atlantic reporter finds out through Signal that we're going to do it.

Jesus Christ, man.

Fuck.

Why would aliens, what would they have to, why would they stop it?

I don't understand.

Did you not even listen?

Pay attention to the shenanigans.

They feast upon our fear, Heath, and they need to be able to continue to harvest that.

Right, and the Podcastiverse wouldn't make sense unless they did it.

That's right.

The Podcastiverse makes too much sense.

That's what I've always said.

All right.

Well, I invented the podcastiverse, so I win.

Sure.

All right, Noah, you are old.

So you write an essay for you next week.

I like the way that you wove it all together into a joke instead of

just being an insult.

All right.

Well, Tom, Noah, Cecil, and Eli, I'm Heath.

Thank you for hanging out with us.

We'll be back next week, and Noah will be an expert on something else.

Between now and then, you can listen to Cognitive Dissonance, The No Rogan Experience, Dear Old Dads, God Off Movies, The Scathing Atheist, The Skeptic, and DD Minus.

And if you'd like to join the ranks of our beloved patrons, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com/slash citationpod.

And if you'd like to get in touch with us, listen to past episodes, connect us on social media, or take a look at show notes, check out citationpod.com.

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