Andy Richter Returns

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Hi, my name is Andy Richter.

And I feel resentful that it took me to be on Dancing with the Stars for Conan O'Brien to remember that I'm his friend.

Oh, and I'm not offended at all that there's a hitch in your voice after Conan because you were searching for my last name.

After we've known each other since the summer of 1993, after Conan, it's

okay.

It's just because

it's just an Irish thing.

I understand.

They all look alike.

Fall is here.

Hear the yell.

Back to school.

Ring the bell.

Brand new shoes.

Walk in blues.

Climb the fence.

Books and pens.

I can tell that we are going to be friends.

Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends.

This is a very special episode.

Yes.

Where we talk about kleptomania.

No, this is a very special episode

because you're on Dancing with Stars.

I am fascinated with what goes on at these reality shows.

And this is one of the big ones.

And I know I've brought in, I wouldn't even allow, I fired Matt Gorley and I brought in,

I brought in David Hopping because David loves all reality shows.

Something good has already come from this.

He's not.

Fuck you, Gorley.

Yeah.

Who's going to force James Bond into the conversation?

Me talking to an A-list star.

I understand you just had a battle with cancer.

Yeah.

The third James Bond?

Jairis Billick.

Yeah.

The Tropic of Cancer was an alternate title for Moonbreaker.

It was originally Jawbreaker about a candy, but they changed it.

Listen,

you're going to listen to me.

I am.

We have been good friends and confederates.

I like to use the word confederates.

Because we've been involved in many, many heists.

It's my secret confederate, Andy Richter.

We've known each other a long time.

You're doing this show.

And we can talk about other things as well.

But I brought you in here because I thought, I said, get me Andy Richter.

And they said he doesn't want to come on.

Oh, and then

we met your brother.

I'm here twice a week.

I know you're here all the time.

It's ridiculous.

But anyway,

I want to know, first of all, I was watching you do your routine the other night and I was thinking, I couldn't remember all of that.

I just couldn't remember.

I could.

I would go, my mind would go blank.

Whenever I've had to do any choreography, I've told them, you need to keep it to three moves.

Yeah.

Like I'm an old pony.

On Andy Richter Controls the Universe, they had, and it was very, and I, I, I objected to it because I just thought it was kind of hacky and overdone.

They had a fantasy musical sequence that they wanted to break into.

And I was like, really?

Okay.

And they said, yeah, we're going to have it.

And it'll be choreographed dancing.

And I said, and I, just because I was exploiting being number one on the call sheet, I was like, I will come in at the end and do jazz hands, but I will not do anything else.

Because anytime I had had to learn choreography,

Hulk Smash, I'd get so mad, you know, like,

oh, I've seen Hulk Smash.

Yeah, yeah.

And I just, I'd get so furious because I couldn't get it from here to there.

Yeah.

And, and

also, Jen, my wife reminded me that on our wedding, she said, like, you know, what about our dance together?

And I was like, shortest song possible.

And that was my only, there was no like, let's go to Arthur Murray and learn something.

I was like, no, I don't want, I don't want all those eyes on us for that long.

So don't you feel, I know you're not.

But you went on dancing with the stars.

I know, I know.

That's what I'm saying right now is that there is a God.

And he watched all that and said, he shall go on dancing with the stars.

Here's your hubris.

It's it's an email from your agent oh no

um yeah no in april i got it i got an email

about doing it about being they you know here's your invitation to be on dancing with the stars and i was i was home at the time it was in the morning and my honest to god my first reaction was turn it down and don't tell anyone like don't let anyone know that i've been asked like because they'd be like why wouldn't you do it and it's like because you know crabby Baby does not want to be pushed out of his comfort zone, basically, is the long and short of it.

But of course, like within two seconds, I was like, I have to do this.

I have to do this.

It looks like fun.

It is pretty fun.

And I'm also, it's like, I'm 58 years old.

I got problem knees.

I, you know,

all kinds of stuff going on.

And as a side note, just who should be dancing on television.

Yes, exactly.

I got, but, but, and also, too, what's even better is that like

in this was April, I said yes.

And then, like, in July, they figured out what all the leg pain and stuff had been going on is because I need a hip replacement.

Oh, wow.

So, I need a new left hip.

And I was like, hey, you know, the minute I was like, I'm supposed to be doing dancing with the stars, which was a violation of the NDA, and I could have been fired to tell my doctors.

But they're like, yeah, you should be all right.

And they, you know, I got like some kind of injection that was supposed to sort of help, and it did help.

but like, I'm gonna, this is like a big bon voyage to my old arthritic hip.

You know what I think?

Because this is what comes to mind, um, because I'm always trying to game the system, and I very much want you to do well on this show.

Um, you've got judges that are looking at you, yes, and I think you should begin every number with us.

There's a silhouette of someone walking out, and it's your orthopedic surgeon.

Yeah.

And he has actual, he has actual imaging of you

on the big screen.

On the big screen, it's my MRI.

It's your MRI.

And he says, as you can see here, there's the flaring of the joint

where the bone slips into the socket.

And we've lost too much calcium there.

It's cracked.

And so this man, and that should be like a golf handle.

Absolutely.

They should add 15 points.

Yeah, absolutely.

Like instead of the tape package about me and Emma practicing, it should just be like

his hip bone has always, or his femur has always had

an impingement, which means that it's not spherical, it's egg-shaped.

So his entire life,

it's been like building up and like, you know, like bone on bone, rubbing against it.

But also, he should be, your surgeon should be doing commentary as you're dancing.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's a major load-bearing move.

The pain he's reaching now would be at least an eight.

If 10,

if 10 is visibly uncomfortable, he's at an eight.

Now he's at a nine.

Now he's at a two.

He's just twirling around the dance floor.

He's twirling.

And I mean, do you think about it?

That would, I think that would

be a hero.

I just am like powering through it.

And just, and it does, I do take solace in the fact that like the people who are much younger than me, which is everybody, but the ones that are even much younger than me in their 20s are like, my legs hurt.

My knees hurt.

I go home and, you know, and just ache.

And I certainly do.

At night, it's like I lay in bed and it just hurts you know so it's I just lots of Advil and ice and and

and that's it you know but I then I thought no I need to do this I need I need to do this like just to get moving and and I it got me to go to the gym and do cardio which I loathe uh started to do a lot more stretching just to kind of prepare myself and and then like the week before I met my my partner I was like having stress dreams.

I was just dreading it and just felt like crap for the whole week before, just like

kind of crabby to my family and stuff.

And then I went, you know, so I, but I signed up for it.

I was going to do it.

Um, was terrified that I was going to get injured, that I just wouldn't be able to do it.

Like you said,

like I'm not going to be able to remember all that.

I'm not going to, yeah.

And then would have to like pull out and be embarrassed and, you know, as one is when one pulls out.

I didn't think you'd go there.

I did, though.

I thought, nope, Andy did.

I would do it.

I thought of it.

You know what?

I thought of it and I let it go.

Oh,

that's how low this is.

That is bad.

Thought of it and pulled out, huh?

Sounds like my wedding night.

Pulled out and I was embarrassed.

You still did it.

I did it afterwards.

I know.

So now I win.

Exactly.

I'm guilty and you're innocent.

That's right.

Enjoy your jail while I get on my victory yacht.

It's all happening in my head.

Yeah, yeah.

But then I luckily was paired with just a sweet angel of a ballroom dancer.

Her name is Emma Slater.

Emma Slater.

Yeah, she's lovely.

She's fantastic.

And there were so many people around there, like from promo people to security guards to different people.

Like stage hands are like, oh, you got the best one.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, because she is just so much fun.

And you are, you rehearse four hours a day, seven days a week.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm going to bring up something that I think is your secret weapon, which is you've been making these videos, and Emma Slater is in a bunch of them.

No, she's the Cecil B.

DeMille of our TikTok presence.

Oh, you've been doing a bunch of videos, and I started watching, I started looking at your videos.

I don't know how to access these things.

Someone showed them to you.

David brought me this.

Your dog.

My dog brought me what's, I think, called an e-phone.

And, but I was looking at it.

I was like, Andy's really funny, and he's making these funny videos, which you, you know,

did at our late night show thousands of times.

And I'm looking at you just be super funny.

And I was like, oh, this is great.

I mean, if there wasn't, if you didn't even get to do the rest, if they somehow said, no, no, no, we're canceling the dancing part.

You're just going to make these videos.

I'd think this is a home run.

Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I just, you know, I went into the thing, as I said, dreading it, but still resolved to be open, resolved to saying yes, resolved to being compliant, and which is really in these days.

But I started.

I will not have political commentary on this show.

Back to how much Advil you're having

and what kind of inflammation you're suffering from.

This is a medical show, not a political show.

But so, you know, I started doing the rehearsals with Emma and it was like it Hulk Smash was there.

Like she was trying to just show me like the basic steps and I'd watch her do it and then try to do it myself and it really was

like I couldn't do it.

But then slowly as you with repetition and

commitment and dedication to not just throwing, you know, throwing a fit and running out.

it's like the wiring starts to right

be built up whether or whether it's like like wiring that was there that was like somehow crusted over like it's now you know we're going from the first dance into the second dance and from a cha-cha to a tango

and it's easier much easier to learn the second one and I'm assuming it's going to be easier to learn the third one God willing and America willing if you people vote me off you're making a big mistake yeah you know I always find

that if you want people to vote for you it's really good to threaten them yeah yeah oh absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I know.

You should do it on the show.

Yeah.

Oh, you better.

You better.

I know who you are.

The doctor can also do that part.

The doctor can do that part.

My partner on Tuesday, because Bruno,

one of the judges, gave me a four

and they mentioned it.

A four out of ten.

Right.

It was, I tied with Corey Feldman for the lowest score.

But I'm like, I'm 30 years older than fucking everybody.

What do you want from me?

But when we were up in the skybox with julianne afterwards and they gave the scores and he gave a four and everybody in the place went boo and i went yeah get him

and she said no one has ever done that get him never done that before like told the crowd yeah get the judge yeah you know

so i was like all right

you always know what to say in those situations it's funny you brought that up and you always know what to say in the right situation and i remember one time we were in this studio and, you know, we're in 30 Rock.

Yeah.

And we're in our studio and there's no windows or anything.

And suddenly the power went out and the lights just went, the lights went out and it went like pretty black.

Just was like the lights went out, went black.

And Andy, without missing a second, went, my pearls.

In like old 1930s,

my pearls.

My pearls have been stolen.

Yeah, but you just said, my pearls.

That's what comes to mind now.

And you say, get him.

Those are the things that are just going to come out of you.

Oh, absolutely.

No, it's like I don't even, it's not like I sit around going like, now when the lights go out, remember, say my pearls.

Right.

It just comes out.

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I did slowly learn it, and I did slowly kind of get a handle on it.

And you would be able to do it, but you know, but it is like, I wouldn't be doing this for fun.

I'm doing this because I got hired to do it.

And I've said this too over there.

A lot of these people, you know, they're reality stars or they're, you know, athletes and things.

And it's like, for me, this is a TV job.

I, yeah, I take all different kinds of TV jobs.

I've been on all different kinds of TV and I'm doing basically the same thing in all of them.

But I mean, not so much when I'm, when I'm acting, but.

Certainly with these kind of live and live-ish shows, I know like, okay, I understand how all this works.

I understand how it's put together.

Right.

And I'm here to serve a purpose of adding fun and value to this production.

Right.

Like, we'd be doing, you know, these rehearsals, and in some of them, she'd be like, you know, you got to sell it more.

And I was like, you turn it on.

You make the faces and stuff.

But it's like, I'm not going to waste the faces when we're doing it for the 17th time on, you know, Thursday.

Right.

We went into the camera rehearsal on Monday and I saw a tape of it.

And what I thought was giving them the camera version of selling it, I realized was nothing.

It didn't look like anything.

So I was like, oh, okay, tomorrow.

Bigger.

Got to really go big, big, big.

Without.

My daughter, my older daughter did say, Dad, don't smile too much.

She's like, don't, you know, like, and I know what she means.

Well, she's probably saying, because then you're not you.

Andy Richardson.

She's just going to walk around.

She's kind of saying that, but you also have seen people, you know, like on discussion.

They give that.

They give the 10,000 megawatt.

Like Lawrence Welk dancers.

Like Like they always were grinning like they, I don't know, you know, like they were in the afterglow.

I think he would shock them if they didn't.

He had a big generator out back.

So

how scary is it when you're just about to, you know, when you're standing there and you're in silhouette and you're facing away from the camera and you know this music's kicking in?

Is it fight or flight kind of stuff?

No, it wasn't.

Can you redo it if something goes horribly wrong?

No, it's live.

It is really, truly live.

It's live.

It's scary.

And in fact,

they give you a little talk beforehand that, like, if, and I mean, Director was like, you know, if you're hurt, keep going unless, like, you're really hurt.

And then you'll put your hand up and then I'll cut away from you.

But until you, if you hurt yourself or fall, like, like, there, he's like, I want to keep the camera on you, and I'm going to keep the camera on you.

He said, but if you're like really hurt, raise your hand, and then I'll know to cut away to somebody else.

Picture to someone being sawn in half.

Yeah.

Somebody eating a human hand.

Yeah.

But

one day, about a week before all four couples that were there at that point, we all did our dance for each other.

They call it a show and tell.

And it was Baron Davis, Jen Affleck,

Danielle Fischel, and me.

So it's NBA All-Star, a reality star, one of the Mormon housewives.

Danielle was on Boy Meets World and is like, was like everybody's teenage crush.

And me.

And so it's like people from different accomplished backgrounds all being scared kids in front of each other doing this thing for the first time for somebody other than just their partner.

And it felt like everyone, you know, we all cheer for each other.

When they were all done cheering, I was like, I said, I feel like I've joined a cult because like my heart was singing and I was just like, I did it.

Yeah.

And somebody said, now you're going to have to do that in front of the studio audience and in front on TV in front of people.

And I kind of felt like, well, this is the bubble being burst.

Like this, I did it here.

And so like, okay, now I'm, and I did it right.

And I did it.

You know, that's the thing.

Did I do it right?

Did I screw it up?

Did I forget anything?

And no, I didn't.

So I was sort of already ready.

And then you get to the ballroom and you have all day Monday where you run it a bunch of times.

And then Tuesday, you're in that thing from like 10 a.m.

until 10 p.m.

Cause afterwards, there's all kinds of press and stuff to do.

So by the time like it's my turn to dance, A, I was like 12 out of 14.

I was just like, let's get this over with.

And I'd been in the room all day.

So I was comfortable in the room and comfortable in front of the people.

So it was kind of just like, it wasn't hard.

And I knew that I knew what I was doing.

There is like a moment of, hope I remember everything.

But other than that, it's just, and I, and I, and I do love Emma so much, and we do have so much fun together, and she's been so nice and so supportive that I'm also not alone in it.

Like, she and I have been cooking up these things for people and then making silly TikToks on the side.

So it is, it's all pretty fun, you know.

Is there a way to harm anyone else that you're competing against?

Oh, no.

And this is, because this is where my head would go.

And I don't mean physically harm them, although if there's an idea for that, we'll take it.

What I mean is, is there any way to get in their head or somehow sabotage them or that's not cool?

The only thing I've been doing is lead in lunches.

Yeah,

just a little bit of lead in different lunches.

Yeah, but you know, it does.

It's been proven, and your doctor will tell you this.

It slows down the neural response.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I would give them the poops.

What's that?

I would do something with their lunch and give them the poops.

I'm not even in the diarrhea.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because they're all wearing really tight costumes.

Oh, so you want that to happen on live TV?

On TV

Yeah, I know.

I don't know.

Yeah, but lead is good.

Let's do long-term questions.

Well,

lead is kind of funnier because they just can't, their brain isn't working right.

Right, right, right.

And it's, and this is long-term damage.

Yes, long-term damage.

Oh, absolutely.

The poops, they're over it tomorrow.

You guys are talking about like permanently impairing these.

But are you, if you shit on TV in front of a million of people, would you be over it the next day?

No, that would scar you for life.

Whereas you get

vote no people would be just so horrified by the whole thing nobody relates to pooping

but they have to raise their hand to cut the camera yeah yeah cut the camera

no and when the director yells out what's wrong the poops

it's a coming

it's a coming they would sue me and then just cuts your studio audience it's a crane shot from outside the studio at ABC and people are just streaming out running for their lives lives.

Yeah.

Well, thanks, Sona, for bringing it around.

I'm helping.

No.

We did say one of the stars, and y'all can look up whoever it is, just gave birth like four weeks ago.

And we have been making jokes about, you know, like the strength of pelvic floor.

Oh, boy.

And is there urine being sprayed around during tosses and things?

This is the stuff I wanted to get to.

Andy, well, I also will tell you, too.

I mean, this is the good stuff.

Dancers are like

very physically oriented and like there's not a lot of body shame.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

You know, so there's something almost kind of like

animal.

You know, it's like where it's just a bunch of like beautiful, incredible animals that are doing animal-y things, jumping and leaping.

And, you know,

there's just like very little sort of personal boundaries.

But they're athletes.

Yeah.

Just great anthropologists.

Absolutely athletes.

Yeah, definitely.

And also you're, you know, you're holding on to somebody through this whole thing.

There's a lot of physical contact.

But yeah, especially because like Eastern Europeans, it's just another sport.

It's just another, you know, you can be a gymnast or you could be a soccer player or you can be a ballroom dancer.

And it is incredibly athletic and sporty.

It is.

It's all competition.

Okay, this is coming out six days from now.

So what's your next hurdle?

What's it going to be?

What's coming up that you have to overcome in order to stay on what I call DWTS?

Wow, that was good.

God,

you look like you were silly.

I'm going to be honest with you.

I had a lead burger this morning.

So I'm doing pretty well.

Yeah, we'll have a pizza.

Lead pizza coins?

Instead of the pepperoni, giant lead coins.

Wait, what was the question?

I don't know.

What's next?

Oh, what's next?

Yeah.

We are doing a tango to It's Raining Men,

which will have already happened.

And I don't, you know.

But as we're speaking right now, how many days out are you from that?

This is Thursday and that'll be Tuesday.

Okay.

And you said this is airing Wednesday.

Right.

So my fate will have been decided by America

then.

But I mean, I kind of, I kind of feel like I'm remaining very hopeful that I'll stick around for a little bit because I do think like it's a TV show.

And when people are voting, and also, I mean, I am, again, relying so much on Emma's online presence and her sort of military campaign to get people to vote for us.

I think I'll stick around because I do kind of feel like it is a TV show.

And the question isn't.

Like, who's the dancer?

It's like, who do you want to see in the TV show?

Is ultimately what it ends up being.

Like, if you're going to watch this show next week, who do you want to see in the TV show if somebody has to go?

And like one of the EPs said at one point, and

it struck me, was they're asking you to vote for your favorite dancer, not the best dancer, the favorite dancer.

So that can be whatever it means to any.

anybody watching and anybody taking the trouble to vote, which the voting is weird.

And I guess I knew this, but I didn't understand it.

You only vote while the show is on live, which is from 8 to 10 on the East Coast, 7 to 9 in Midwest.

So that also means here, you've got to vote from 5 to 7.

You've got to vote three hours before the show airs in order to have your vote count.

So if you're watching it on ABC or Disney Plus or whatever here in Los Angeles and you're watching it in the tape delay, you can't vote.

So it's like for people on the West Coast and in Mountaintime, if they want to vote, they're voting based on their preference from last week, sort of, I guess, because you don't know what they're, what the dance is.

I thought you were going to reveal that there's like an electoral college, too.

No, my God, no.

In some states, there's

like they were have more electors.

Yeah.

I was doing interviews today.

We rehearsed, and then I did interviews, and they were saying, like, it's a double elimination on Tuesday.

How do you feel about that?

And I'm like, I don't know.

I mean,

what can I do?

I did as much as I could, and I'll do as much as I can, which is.

Until every other dancer has diarrhea, you have not done

all that you can do.

It's on the bottom.

Come on, come on, to the diarrhea dancer.

Every other dancer's family remains unthreatened.

You know, I have not done enough.

No,

no, no, Colin and I can take care of this.

We can take care of this.

You take care of the diarrhea.

I've got some very soft Roman lead.

It's from the piping in Rome that brought down the Empire.

And I am going to be sprinkling that in the other dancers' burritos.

You know what I was thinking?

I was thinking about if I ever saw you do any choreographed dance, and I remembered your K-pop video and how you, you just, you couldn't really get it.

What do you mean I couldn't get it?

I think I could.

I don't know.

Weren't you there?

He was having trouble.

He kept on like, well, he, I feel like you kept forgetting how to do the string dance.

I think, I will say, I think you did great in the K-pop video, but you did do an Irish dance where you kicked a girl in the face.

You did kick a girl in the face.

Well, first of all, she had a, I don't know.

What's more Irish than that?

Yeah.

I'm just saying she had a little bit of an attitude beforehand.

See?

Irish.

That's how the Irish take care of things.

Yeah.

No, there is footage of me accidentally kicking a young girl in the face.

I remember that.

And then we showed it again and again in slow motion.

I did bring her out

in front of a massive crowd at the Chicago theater and kicked her again.

Such a good prank.

All right, so Andy, I'm your friend, maybe your oldest friend, maybe your only true friend.

And I want to help you in your cause.

So maybe you could give us some information.

How can people vote for Andy and Emma?

They can vote for us.

And again, you have to do it Pacific, 5 to 7 p.m.

on Tuesdays, East Coast, 8 to 10 on Tuesdays.

And that is your window for voting.

And you can text Andy, A-N-D-Y,

it's with a Y, to 21523.

And you can do that 10 times per couple,

per method of voting.

The other way to vote is online to DWTSVote, DWTSVote.abc.com.

And there, again, you can vote 10 times per couple.

So you don't have to vote all for us, but you'd be an idiot not to.

That's true.

Yeah.

Well, Andy, good luck.

Thank you.

Keep enjoying it.

That's key.

And take care of yourself.

I am.

You know.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm just worried about your hip exploding.

No, no, no.

It'll be fine.

And the doctor said, I did say, like, yeah, but do I have to, I was like, I just said, like, am I going to have to worry about like it's snapping at some point?

It's like, no, no, no.

You'll be fine.

What does he know?

You know.

I know you.

You didn't go to the best.

I did.

I did.

It's like, yeah, it's a multiple clinic.

You tore a piece of

a lamppost.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Need a new hip?

And I and

teach rape poster.

Yeah.

No, and I'm going to, I'm, I'm saving that for January.

Uh, that'll be my big New Year's present to myself as a new hip.

And but everybody says that it's a wonderful thing to get done.

Sure.

Uh, that you heal up real well, it lasts forever.

And that, and the consistent thing that everybody says is, I wish I'd done it sooner.

So I don't, I'm not like, I'm not somebody when there's like a medical thing that needs to be done, I'm like, do it.

I'm that way too.

I'm not a guy that's like,

you're 90% blocked in your heart.

We'll get to that later.

Yeah, yeah.

Now I've got a mountain to climb

and liquid cheese to eat.

Once I'm done with my cheese-a-thon on the Matterhorn,

maybe I'll come back and see.

All right, Andy Richter, onward and upward.

Thank you, thank you.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Offsessian, and Matt Gorley.

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