Will Arnett Returns

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Uncrustables are the best part of the sandwich. I mean, we've been thinking that.
Why does hell say it, right, Sona? Yeah. Like, who needs a crust?

You've been saying that since the day I met you 15 years ago, Sona. You said, who needs the crust? And I said, first of all, my name's Conan.
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Hi, my name is Will Arnett,

and I feel

just fine about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

Fall is here, hear the yell. Back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walk in blues, climb the fence, books and pens.
I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Hey there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined by Matt Gorley. How are you, man? Good, thanks.
And Sona Movesesian. And Sona,

of course, famously my assistant for many years. Yeah.
And then things started to change a bit.

I had babies. You had babies.
Yeah.

You stepped back from that role and you've risen to great fame on this podcast

and in your own right. And you're an author now, a lecturer.
You're a phenomenon. I am a lecturer and an author.
Yeah. You're like Cher now, I think.
Oh, no. I wish.
Another Armenian star. Yes.
So

this is unusual because David Hopping, a young lad from southern Illinois, rose up from the ranks. You anointed him, and he's my day-to-day assistant.
Yeah. He's gone right now.

He's gone to the Midwest for a wedding, I believe. And you stepped back into my role today as my assistant.
Yeah. So you texted me this morning, you know, asking me, we need to do these things today.

Here's what's happening. And I thought, Sona's back.
We're back in the New York groove. You know what's funny? We just had an interview and I had ordered you lunch before the interview.

And in my head, I was like, I hope Conan's lunch is here. Is it here? Should someone go and take it and like maybe put it in the fridge? Like, I started to just go back into assistant mode.
Yes.

It's, it's weird. How easily does it come back? Yeah.
Is it like riding a bike? Yeah, it's really, it's really not hard. Although today I had to get on my phone for something and I was driving.

So I had to, you you know, I was really nervous about doing whatever I needed to do on time. And I had to pull off the freeway and then park and like do whatever I needed to do.
So I got nervous.

We immediately got into the thing where you're my assistant and you

have to take care of things and I start riffing and being a fool. So this morning, you knew that I have this medical appointment later on just to go to an eye doctor, get my eyes checked.

And because I'm just wondering, do I need a new glasses prescription or whatever? So I'm just going to go see this doctor. He's going to give me those drops that dilate your eyes.
And I know that.

And so Sona this morning said, you can't drive. So I'll drive you the appointment.
So she told me, don't take your car to work today because I'll be driving you. And then you'll get it, whatever.

You'll give me a lift home. So all that's going to happen.
So I need a way to get to work. And Sona said, I'll call you an Uber.
Let me know. And then

I might even have it here. It was intense.
This is what happens.

I was like, I got to order him an Uber. I got to do it quick.
I can't get him waiting forever. So here we go.

She says, let me know when you're ready and I'll order an Uber for you. And I was done with a meeting I had at the house.
And I said, okay, you can order it now. And she says, okay, hold please.

And I immediately respond, hurry, exclamation point. What's happening? Exclamation point, question mark.
Hello? Question mark, question mark. I'm scared.
Three exclamation points.

And Sona, that's immediately, immediately. And she says, I'm doing it.
I have to connect my corporate card. Don't poop yourself.

And then she writes back, two minutes, double exclamation point. Let me know if you need more time and I'll tell the driver to wait.
Your name is Sona, because she's ordering it for me.

It's in her name.

And I write all caps. That's too long to wait.

She writes back, you've changed. I write, ah,

this is all happening instantly. She says, actually, no, you haven't.
And I said, I just died from waiting. I'm a ghost.
And then I sent an emoji of a ghost.

She writes, who's going to interview Rachel Sennett, who's recording for today? Who's going to record today's guest? Not it, she says. And then I write her, hello, I am a policeman.

I just found this cell phone next to a skeleton of someone waiting for an Uber.

Sona immediately writes back, does he have any cash on him, police officer? We can split it. I write, deal.

She says, thank you for your service. Yes.

How are you even ordering an Uber and texting all this at the same time? Like, how are you even doing your job when I'm doing it? Oh, she knows. Her job is you just have to riff with Conan.

It's riffing with Conan. It's doing it and then riffing with him.
That's what I remember the job is. Yeah, and Sona knows that the riff is more important than the Uber Sean.

So

she's immediately all in on the riff, and then she immediately goes into, oh, hello, officer. When I lay out that I'm a skeleton.
I prioritize. It's prioritizing.

The riff takes priority over him coming to work. And the best thing that would happen if there was a screw-up, this is where it gets tricky.
If there was a screw-up and the Uber didn't come,

that's, I don't care if I'm late. I don't care if there's, you know, major problems in our company because I'm late.
I'm more interested in, oh, my God, this is great. The Uber didn't come.
Yeah.

Now I get to have that

as,

you know, as new improv fun. Oh, yeah.
And then we can, I can make that work for two days. There can be two days riffs of me wandering the streets of L.A.
Two years. Okay, do you have to do it?

And then in two years, you'd be like, hey, remember when you didn't get that Uber for me?

You would say it. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
And you know what?

When When I have something like that on somebody, it's a tasty, yeah, oh, it's a it's a sweet

everlasting gobstopper, it's an everlasting Willy Wonka gobstopper, it never stops giving. Yeah, make a mistake around me, and I'm delighted.
Oh, he loves it,

he loves the mistakes more than you actually doing your job. Of course, he's hoping, he's rooting, you're rooting against I root against you

because it's the most delicious thing in the world. Must be a fulfilling job to have.
It sure is, girls. Well, welcome back.
Yeah, I'm happy to be back here.

All right, well, let's get into today's show. And I root against this guest, I want him to screw up.
I hope he doesn't show because I like the riff more than I like the actual interview.

Yeah, my guest today is a hilarious actor who starred in the Emmy award-winning series Arrested Development and co-hosts the Smartless podcast. Now you can see him in the new movie, Is This Thing On?

I'm thrilled he's here, he's hilarious.

Will Arnett, welcome.

This is crazy. You just opened a box.
This is like pulp fiction. A light is coming out.
What is that? It's like his Tommy gun.

I'm so excited. Oh, this is just a U87.
That's right. I don't know.

It's only the Rolls-Royce. Is that annoying?

It really is.

It really is. What do you think?

This is a reissue or this is original? No, this is a real. That's a real.

This is like a Beatles mic. I'm so excited for you.
I'm from Germany. I'm sorry.

You wouldn't understand it because you don't have a vocal quality.

I mean, it's barely.

There is not a thing you can talk about in mics that I don't know.

It's, you know,

the dream, right here.

I mean, this is the U87. I'm scared to hold it.
I mean, God damn it.

What year do you think this is? And it also modeled after me.

Yeah,

it looks like you. Yeah, they took away from me.
They said it's a special. You know, the Germans are.
I mean, first of all,

you know,

I don't want to blow smoke up your ass, but you are the master of

so many liquids. You are the master of voiceover.

You are the master of voiceover. You really are.

And I hear your, I mean, I can't.

I try to flee your ads.

Reese's pieces. Good luck.
That's a truck. You once got all confused because you shoot so much of this shit.

Do you remember the commercial you did where you went, Reese's? It's a truck.

I do.

I do. There's a low light.
Yeah, but thank you. Of course I remember that.
Why did they even air it? It's humiliating. Why did they air it? Humiliate me.
But this is, I mean, I'm not going to lie.

This is a U87.

Thanks for telling us the treat on that. This is a P48.
These are gorgeous. These are amazing.
It's funny. Remember, Eduardo, when you were working out the mics?

You asked me about what mic I wanted. I said I want a Blauhauser, remember? Blauhauser.
Blauhauser 57. Yep.
57KK. Yep.

You can't get them. You can't get a Blauhauser 57 and they're hard to get.
Can't get one new.

You know anything about the dark web?

I've heard of the dark web.

Where's this show broadcast? Just for legal reasons.

Well, listen. I didn't even plug it.

I just brought it into Flex. Incredible to have.

I wanted you guys to know how I'm living. No, no, no.
There's nothing sad. It's impressive.
There's nothing sad about carrying around a microphone in a box.

There's nothing at all sad about that.

By the way, imagine that I packed it up from my house. I had it in the passenger seat in my car.
I drove across town. You put a seatbelt over it.
Basically, because I thought it was cool.

It is cool. Listen, you're on a real podcast now.

None of this.

Hey, me and two of my friends are not going to know anything about a guest. You know what men jerk off?

Oh, God.

Fuck. Yeah.
You guys are killing it. Listen, let me just, I mean, that all came from envy because I remember when you guys, before you started, this guy called me before they started their podcast.

And we were like,

yeah, we were killing it. I get a call from this guy.
He's like, we're trying to do a fraction of what you do. And he was all scared.
He was all scared. I was like, Will, what's wrong?

Just lower your voice a little. He's like, When I'm scared, it's up high.

And I said, What is it? And he said, Just don't know what to do. And I said, Calm down.
I said, Just, you know, make sure that you get, what is it?

87. U87.

He's like, I'm writing this down.

And then remember, he said, what do we do? And I said, these are your friends. Just talk.
Just talk. I could barely write.
If you remember, I said, because the tears, the paper was so wet.

Remember, you couldn't write anything down.

This is so.

It was tears and urine. It was peeing onto the paper.

But

that was just for gigs. You know, I did this podcast

back

at the old location. Yeah.
And

I'm short on time. And

so I'm over there, and I remember walking out. I remember walking out to my car after doing it, after absolutely destroying.

I remember I was carried out by your staff on their shoulders. True.
Right. It was an unbelievable.
And remember they made a fuck. Who the fuck stuffed confetti in the ceiling? They knew.

They knew this was going to happen. I whispered to him, take me with you.
Yes.

And remember, I don't know if you remember this, but I think one of the interns made a golden crown for you and put it on your head. And it said, best podcaster ever.
Ever. And they filled up.

They had one of those huge tanks who were on the lot of Warner Brothers. And they said, Could you walk across this?

One of your PAs with this look of amazement, right? I remember that. So I remember getting in my car and I says to my driver, I says,

just drive. Just drive.
Just drive.

I remember thinking, if this

fucking guy

can do a podcast,

if

this

fucking.

Are you Meniscalco? Are you Sebastian Meniscalco? This fucking guy.

This

fucking guy.

I wish. I wish I was.
I wish I was selling out arenas. I'd meet you.

I'm saying again, I'm saying this out of jealousy. I wish I met people routinely in my life who so amazed me, I could go, this fucking guy.
Right. Anyway, I know I wasn't doing it.

Yeah, let's get back to me for a second. And

let me know if it's okay to interrupt you. I'm only the guest.

And

I'm done.

What's the expression I'm thinking of is just desserts. Okay.
Get it.

No, I did. It's a true story.

I did the podcast with you guys, and it was so much fun. And I thought it would be fun to do it with people that I like and have fun with.
That's actually a true story. Yeah.

And I did think, and I hate saying it, you guys are very good at what you do. And so I thought, if we do it, everybody's doing a podcast where we're going to look like a bunch of ding-dongs.

So

I went into it with even less of a format than you had. If you guys have,

if that's possible. Yeah.
I don't. And the thing is, we don't have a format.
No, we have a title.

We have a title.

Right. And we have that thing we do up front.

The concept is this, right? Is this thing? Who knows?

That fell away very quickly. Now it's just.
Well, apparently he's being held on to pretty tightly. Well, Adam Sachs, he is Rain Man when he doesn't get to watch Wapner.

If we don't do that right away, he flips. That's our format.
He flips. That's all we've got.
It's our format.

It's our format.

Rainman when he doesn't get to, I mean, listen, you might want to update the references. what is happening well first of all that movie just came out didn't it

no are you sure i think it's been 40 years 35 years oh you know what i think it's funny it's time to go back in time

that should be a new segment didn't that come out yeah let's go back in time

yeah yeah yeah yeah hey hey and now we're here now we're here uh you um

you guys are killing it obviously we're having fun we're having fun okay don't do that no no no we're having a a good time. Well, I don't know what that's like, but I want to say this.

Did you catch the wink?

I look at you three.

I saw it. Trust me, I saw the wink.
And I saw how hard it was for you to do the wink. I saw how

palsied you are. You can't do the wink.
Oh, way to go. Just give him stuff to cut.
You know what's amazing?

I get

Sean Hayes. I get it.
You do. I get the Sean Hayes.
And then when you said, and Bateman's going to be there too, I have to admit,

I thought, oh, this guy wants wants to fly.

And so, in one arm, he's got this giant wing.

And then you're holding an anvil in the other hand.

I was shocked that you chose Bateman. Did you have Bateman in here? Well,

we did. We did.
And you know what he did the whole time?

I think at one point, someone tried to get him to eat a Tic-Tac. And he was like, I can't.
Oh, you know what?

He did say at one point, I took a sip of a soda and he went, you don't like your body very much.

Because I think he wants to live.

I don't want to live as long as bateman wants to live he wants to live to be 199 i've said this a couple times so forgive me but i said to him recently i said you know what's going to happen you're going to be on your deathbed from malnutrition and i'm going to be gurney's side

with a hot fudge sundae yep with 30 years to go

you're visiting him yeah i'm visiting him smoking yep and eating a hot fudge sunday is there anything better than a hot fudge sundae by the way oh it's so good that's really good.

I love a hot fudge Sunday. Sorry.
Wow. And so are you getting better at podcasting?

No.

We're getting terrible. I'm getting worse at it.

Have you ever read the comments on your own podcast?

No, you don't. They edit them heavily.
They only shout out. I don't think they do.
You know, Adam twice.

Adam makes sure I don't see the ones that are like, how, why, why is he allowed to have a podcast?

He takes all those ones out and he shows me ones that goes, he says, we got three comments from last week. And I'd be like, well, I hear it says we got over 75,000 comments.

He's like, nope, it was only three. Yippee, Conan, you go Conan.
They're all from

AdamSachs.net.

Conan is a host was one of the comments you chose to show me, which shows you. Still this guy?

How many kicks at the kent? So

I used to look at the thing and they'd be like, these guys are terrible. They interrupt people all the time.
These guys are the worst. I hate this.

And I keep going like, let me get, let me remind it. It's free.
They don't have to listen. What's the problem? It's not an assignment.

I read the greatest quote that we don't have to get into now, but I get about comments online. It's quite long, so I'm not going to bore you, but it's so good.
It's from this book written.

Do you know Sally Rooney? Have you ever read it? I've known Sally Rooney. Have you ever read Intermezzo? She read last year.

I didn't read that. No.
Really, really good. And she has this other one called Beautiful World.
Where are you? It came out like three or four years ago.

There's this quote at the end that Buck is about. Can I read it? Yeah.
I mean, we can always kind of quote it. Because you just keep listing things she's done.
And I'm like, yeah,

normal.

She's great. Oh, yeah.
She went to Amherst.

She's

just

about 65 liters of water. If you put her in a tank,

I got them right. Honestly, your references are all like old and/or about New England.

There's a whole fucking world out there.

I'm so

buoyant. Why don't you go check out

the Red Sox bat while you're at it?

This is what I'm talking about. What do you mean? Mayor White, and it's 1975.
Carlton Fisk over here. Yeah.
Oh, Jesus Christ.

Hey, why don't you go fill in the back bay so there's more usable land, asshole?

Oh, my God. Come on, I mean, you know.

I don't understand it.

Nobody's straight. He's getting adults.
Tell him to shoot the noob. Shoot the noob.
Yeah.

Yeah. Well, anyway, get back to it.
You were going to be a little bit more.

I'm on Staro Drive. And

classic. Yeah, we get off Route 9.
So this woman writes this thing.

This book, they're writing emails to each other. This woman,

she's a writer, and she's writing a note to her friend. And she's just done an interview about her new book.
She says,

I don't know if you've been following any of this, but about a month ago, I was doing an interview over email, and a journalist asked me what my partner thought of my books.

Unthinkingly, I wrote back that he had never read them. So, of course, this became the headline of the interview.
Alice Kelleher, my boyfriend has never read my books.

And afterwards, Felix, her boyfriend saw a popular tweet saying something like this is tragic she deserves better he showed me the tweet on the screen of his phone one evening without saying anything and when i asked what he thought about he shrugged and at first i thought a perfect example of our shallow self-congratulatory book culture in which non-readers are shunned as morally inferior and the more books you read the better you are than everyone else.

But then I thought, no, what we really have here is an example of a presumably normal and sane person whose thinking has been deranged by the concept of celebrity.

An example of someone who genuinely believes that because she has seen my photograph and read my novels, she knows me personally and in fact knows better than I do what is best for my life.

And it's normal. It's normal for her not only to think of these bizarre thoughts privately, but to express them in public and receive positive feedback and attention as a result.

She has no idea that she is in this small limited respect quite literally insane because everyone around her is also insane in exactly the same way.

They really cannot tell the difference between someone they have heard of and someone they personally know.

And they believe that the feelings they have about this person they imagine me to be-intimacy, resentment, hatred, pity, are as real as the feelings they have about their own friends.

And it makes me wonder whether celebrity culture has sort of metastasized to fill the emptiness left by religion like a malignant growth where the sacred used to be.

Jesus Christ.

How fucking good is that? That was that sum it up? It is amazing. Guys, great show.
Can I just say

my only regret is that it wasn't wasn't longer.

Do you mind? I just made me think of something. Can I just

mention something? Will, hey, Will. Will, I'm sorry.
That just made me think of something. Is it okay? There's this book called Moby Dick

by Melville. Is it okay if I just read the whole thing? You know what? Here we go.

Page one. That was pretty great, wasn't it? I like it.
It's great to speak to the adults. Yeah, I enjoyed it.
Call me Ishmael. Okay.

Don't lick your fingers there. Stop licking your foot.
You're a quarterback? No. Also, his voice is cooler than yours, so it's easier to like.
I think my voice is pretty cool. Oh, my God.

Connor Brian Needs a Friend is brought to you by Airbnb. I've discussed this several times on the podcast, but I'm a satisfied customer.

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Ashley believes that your home should be an expression of who you are. Sona,

you've been working with Ashley recently. Care to tell us? Yeah, well, I'm an interior decorator now.
You know what? I do think you have good style. Yeah.
Well, Ashley makes it very easy. Okay.

And then, you know, recently,

sadly, we lost our house and we were living with my parents for four and a half months and my kids trashed the place. So my parents, we got them this dining set.
It's really pretty.

First of all, they look pretty durable, but they are. But your kids are, you know, they're very good at destroying things.
They are, and they can't even destroy things.

Why do you let your children have saws and hammers? It just feels like a mistake. I know.

But that's beautiful. That's gorgeous.
Yeah, they love it. It was really easy.

And because I'm an interior decorator, I also helped Lay with what he really badly needed, some new furniture. Trust me, all of Blaise's furniture was just old action figures duct taped together

into crude furniture shape. Yeah, not comfortable at all.
Yeah. Extra poking you and everything.
You'd be like, attack, attack.

But thanks to Sona, she got me this fantastic sectional. Oh, look at that.

Which is amazing. And due to Ashley's white glove delivery, came right to my door.
And really, it is the nicest thing in my apartment. It's really great.
I mean, you don't have to convince this.

Yeah, we all do.

Very nice-looking sectional. I'm telling you, you've got to believe me.
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That's a long quote to read. Of course it is.
And I know that you're new to this, but no, that's that was a

bug.

I'm so sorry. I think it's a mosquito.
Is it? Did you guys see it? I saw it. I'll fuck it up.
You know what? You reading that quote now seems professional.

Because right after I gave you shit about being so long, Sona started trying to kill a bug.

Yeah, sorry I'm not doing a stupid voice. And you know what I mean?

Some bitch.

Sorry, I'm not referencing Barry Levinson films from the 80s. Remember in Diner?

Oh, my God. This is my show now.

My worst nightmare came true.

You were so nice to me.

It's still flying around. It's a fruit fly.
It is a fry fly. You were so nice to me in the green room.
You're

such a Jekyll and Hyde.

You never know what you're going to get.

Jekyll or Hyde. One of them is the good guy, one of them's the bad guy.
Who knows which?

I don't know. I'm busy reading your quotes.

Listen, I'm not sure. Most people are on a walk, they're on a thing, they're exercising, they're driving, and they're listening to this quote, and they're having a profound moment.
Yeah.

And you know what? I did,

I went after you because it was very long. It's not just a quote.
It was several pages. But I should have acknowledged what a profound quote it was.
Thank you.

And that it was cool of you to think of it and read it, but I didn't.

I panicked. I went for the gag, the quip, the joke, the jape, the gaffe, the goof.

This is getting longer than the quote.

And

I'm trying to make it last longer than the quote.

And by going for the quick, you know, lafferoo,

I think you called it laugheroo when we worked together.

One time when I was in Australia, I did. Yeah.
Because I love tossing an ooh on the end of things. Yeah.

But it was profound. And you've had to deal with that because of celebrity culture.
No. No, I don't.

Don't drag me into deep water. Nice try.
No, but it is, it is a

well, you don't know what it's like. I've been really fucking famous for like 32 years and at the top of my game.
Only because you're tall and you stick out.

We don't think that's the only reason why you're not. You're on record and you're loud.
Yeah, tall and loud is the way to go. Tall and loud.

Again,

it's the only reason.

When you look at what women are into, if you go on these sites where women are like, who's got Riz? They all say Tom and Loud. Give me Tom and Loud.
Give me Tom and Loud. What are those things?

If you had been

born, if you were 5'5, you would have been taken, you would have been working tolls on the mass pike.

I really believe that. Near Sturbridge.

Near Sturbridge Village.

Right? Get off that. Okay.
Right there where the tolls are. That's where Sturbridge Village is.
Hey, you, you got a buckle on your hat?

Listen.

Let's be real for the insults. Let's be real.
Enough for the insults. I love you.

Nope.

Couldn't do it. No, you couldn't do it.

No.

Hall?

Woo!

I'm half a war.

I knew I could break you. Here's what I did.

I'm going to tell you what I said in the green. I think you're a great guy.

I think you're really funny. I think you're really talented.
You've been doing it at a high level for many years, and I respect you. This ruins everything.

Wow. Let's change the topic.

This guy. this guy, there's so much to talk about.
I love seeing you succeed.

I can't say that about you.

It kills me. I know.
That smartless is a phenomenon. It just kills me.
That's the best part. And especially, I mean, again,

you really rub his view. I root for you

and I root for Sean.

And then Bateman. What is it about Bateman? Oh, come on.

What is it about Bateman? He just gets my goat.

He's so pleased with himself. And he doesn't age.
And he has such self-control. And he sits there and

he fires off these little ice daggers. Fuck him, right? I mean, come on, Ryan.

Am I alone? Does this sound like love? Yeah.

I love him.

I would do him.

Hang on, man.

What?

We just thought you loved him. him.
Yeah, we got a lot of fun. You got a friend, but oh, you want to do him.

Okay, no, that's cool. That's fine.
Do it, dude.

I don't know. I can't speak to this.
He says he likes tall and loud. I've seen his sights.

What's been going on? What's been going on over here? Can I tell you something about maybe you want me to read you something else? This is shorter, but this is you centric.

Okay. Okay.
Okay, let's hear it. I got you.
It means you got me with you centric. I know.
It's another.

And don't feel the need for it to be short. By the way,

I've never used my notes app so much as in this fucking podcast.

You're on that thing all the time. I know.
Let's see. So,

this happened last year. This is a true story.
So, this has to do with your Christmas party.

Years go by. Jason never gets invited to Conan's Christmas party.
Did you guys know about this? I didn't know.

And he's brought it up before, right? Maybe when he came on the show, did he bring it up?

I know you and Sean pretty well. I don't know Jason.
You don't know him well. So, but a couple of times, it's coincided multiple times with another mutual friend of ours Christmas party.
Yeah. And so.

And let's be fair, she's a massive star. She's a massive star.
She's a massive star. I mean, there's the, she's, uh, she's a couple of clicks above me, and I give that up.
She should be.

But you're, your, your party is very well attended. It's a very ritzy affair.
Yeah. A lot of glossy names.
Yeah. Yeah.
So people often go either to Conan's first and then this person's or vice versa.

So people are coming and going from this other person. So a bunch of times I've gone to Conan's and then I've gone over there and baby's like, did you guys just come from Conan's? Like, yeah.

He's like, what the fuck? And he's so mad that he hasn't been invited, makes a big deal about it. And then when I heard that he was mad,

I kind of didn't want to invite him to keep it going. No, even worse, we did their live Smartless show in Boston.
Conan came out.

Jason gave you shit in front of a live audience that you didn't, and you said, in my hometown. In your hometown.
And you said, for sure, next year. And then the next year, you did not invite him.

It was epic. And nobody was happier than me.

It was sweet. It was sweet.
To me, it was one of the best all-time bits. I just, I love that he wasn't invited.
It was better that he wasn't invited.

Way better. Okay.
So now he's really pissed. Finally, last year, you invite him.
Yeah. And he's all proud about it.
And he's like, well, you know, I got invited to the thing.

And then he's like, first of all, he was like, I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to make it. Yeah.
Cause I got another party. Yeah.
At which point. I hear this, but I don't really say anything.

So I get Conan to come on our show. Secretly.
Secretly. And then get it.
And it was so easy to get Baben talking about the Christmas party and about Conan.

He's like, I don't know if I'm going to be able to be able to be able to do it. And

I'm listening.

It's on Zoom, but I'm listening.

I was in here in this room, and I'm listening. And you guys say,

so, hey, Jason, you think you're going to go to Conan's? He's like, I don't know. And he's very casually.

And his casually. He's very casually like, I don't know if I'm going to be able to.
I've actually got this other party. At which point, Conan reveals himself, you and he lays into Bateman.

I went after Bateman. He lays into him.
Hilarious. So we're dying.
So then, not long after that,

if I may bring up a touchy, actual, this is real personal subject for you. It's okay, I know what it is.
Death in the family. Yep.
My parents.

So, well, first, let me just say the timeline because I have it here. I wrote it down last year because the timeline was so good.
Yeah. So

I hear that your dad passes away and I text you that day or the next day. And I said, hey, listen, I'm sorry to hear about your dad's passing, sending love from our family to yours.

And you wrote, thank you, Will. To be honest, I blame Bateman

for the death of my father. The day after his father dies.
Yeah.

So I wrote, it's not a terrible theory, and Conan texted me back. He killed my dad.

Oh my God.

My dad, can I say, in fairness, my dad would have loved this.

So,

so,

so, uh,

so then Bateman.

Bateman, I tell Bateman this, we're dying, we're doing a thing that day. So he, the next day, Bateman texts you and he says, Arnett tells me you're on to me.
Yes. And Conan texts Bateman and he says,

Bateman, do yourself a favor. Turn yourself in.

Yeah.

Two days after your dad passes, of course, your mom passed away. Yeah, which we didn't, I did not see coming.
We did not see coming. So I text you

two days after. I knew you were in boss.
I said,

Bateman is asking for your sister's street address.

Okay, give. Yeah.

And you were busy that weekend. And like a day and a half later, you texted back, just seeing this now.
Fantastic. 625 Borison Street, Apartment 12C.
Tell Bateman to make it look like a robbery.

You know what's weird? I swear to God, this is how I grieve. I know.
Everyone has their way.

And I forget who I was disseminating at the time. Was like, it might have been Sean or something.
And they were like, what do you think? And I go,

this is what he wants.

This is what he wants right now. He wants to laugh and do bits.
This is what he wants. And I know the vibe.
And obviously, obviously, our heart was with you and we love you and all that stuff.

But I knew that that would. And honestly, that was

telling him to make it look like a rock real.

You're so sick. I know.
I'm a sick, I'm a sick person, but

I do know my parents who I'm very sentimental about, but they, a big driving force in my life was making them laugh. Sure.

And I did used to think about, am I going to want to do comedy after my parents are gone? Because that was the whole reason I did everything. But I remembered very much wanting to, I don't know,

connect. It was so comforting to me to screw around with you guys at that moment.
It just was. And so if that makes me a madman, then so be it.
No, I get that, man.

It is that old my grandfather used to say. I mean, it's not that too profound, but he's like, you know, if you didn't,

if you didn't laugh, you'd cry. So like

they're sort of in that same area and you're still emoting and you're still feeling and you're kind of doing it in a different way. And I totally get that.
There have been so many times.

People call it gallows humor or whatever it is.

But I get that. And

I can't wait till my parents die.

No, just because I've got so many bits ready to go. So many bits.

Oh, my God.

I have.

I just.

I know the feeling.

I know that I had the Bateman bit. I've done everything.
And my dad was like, I feel great.

And I said, I've got this Bateman bit.

I cut the brakes. I've been gas leak.
I've done it all. And it's like,

no one has said cut the brakes in like 50 years.

You can't make a car crash by cutting a wire anymore.

Don't worry if you took care of his Tesla. What'd you do? I cut the brakes with this big scissors like they did in the 1920s.

I have to mention,

there's so much to talk about with you, but I watched your movie last night. Is this thing on?

And I was very pleased. And I'm really, I'm really, I'm proud of you as a friend, and I'm really happy for you because you're really magnificent in this film.

And Bradley Cooper, who, who directs the movie, he has a part in it. And he's really funny as like a schlub, as a character actor.

And

a friend of yours. And it was really fun to see that.
Laura Dern's great. But I was looking at it and I was thinking, I remember you once telling me that your big fear in life was being caught trying.

You said that to me once. You said, I just don't want to get caught trying.
I know that feeling, and it's why we gravitate towards comedy because you can joke around.

If something doesn't quite work, you can make that the bit. You can just be a shapeshifter all the time and nothing sticks to you.

And you plant your feet in this project and you're another person and it's a dramatic role. And I'm very proud of you for doing that.
Well, first of all, thank you. Thanks a lot.
And yeah,

there's a lot of truth in that. I think that, you know, along those lines, I spent a lot of time

being very cynical about a lot of things. And because it's easy, it's kind of, it is easy to hide behind it.
And I give people shit. You know, we talk about it on our own podcast.

When we hear people use the term storyteller, we're like, oh, man. Yeah.
I called 911 for an eye-rolling incident. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm going to die from rolling my eyes.

And then I get to. No one's an actor anymore.
And he's like, well, I think of my eye. I love to tell stories.
I was like, it's acting. Yeah, it's acting.
Shut up.

But I get now a little bit more. And again, I don't see myself

differently in any way. You have to do that thing where you have to kind of own it

and be be it and be, and there is a vulnerability to it. And I can't write it off as a bit.
And I can't,

at the end, pull my pants down and make a fart sound.

You know, so I, it, it is, in that way for me, it was, uh, it was scary. And, and truthfully, uh, um,

I feel very vulnerable, even about people watching. When I knew that you were going to watch, they said, Bradley said that they sent it for you as for you to watch.

Even Sean and Scotty, who were in it,

they just watched the full cut a couple of days ago, the final. And I remember just waiting for his reaction.
He's my friend, loves me,

my partner. We work together, do all this sort of stuff.
And I'm thinking like, oh, boy, what if they, you know, they, what if they think I suck? But here's the thing.

You initially were quite interested in drama. That's what you wanted to do.

That was, and if we went back to you in your 20s, this is what you were interested in. This is why, this is why I moved to New York from Toronto, truthfully.

And I always joke, of course, again, it's a nice cover, that I was young enough and dumb enough to think that that was a pursuit that I wanted to do. And I didn't know anything about comedy at all.

I didn't do sketch. I was in a stand-up, all that stuff.
And so I kind of backed my way into it.

I really got into doing comedy stuff from auditioning for sitcom pilots because I need to pay the rent in the 90s. Like

the first couple of sitcom pilot auditions from my agent from the, I remember being like, I'm not going to do a sitcom. Like as if it was beneath me, I wasn't working.

I was making no money. I lived in the worst apartment you could imagine.
And I'm thinking like, I'm not going to do a sitcom. It's like, what a fucking idiot I am.

But I did, I went wanting to be a dramatic actor. And the other joke I made, used to make forever again as a cover was people thought my dramatic acting was funny.
Well, this is interesting because

it's a dramatic role where you play someone who is going through a breakup.

You're married, you have kids, the marriage is running out of gas. You guys break up, separate, you move to an apartment, you're wandering past a bar.

Someone says, You need to pay the cover charge to come in, and it's a high cover charge. And you're like, Well, why? And they're like, It's because it's a comedy club.

You said, Well, I don't have that money. And the guy said, Well, just write your name down.
This is a true story.

It's an actual true story. It's inspired by this story of this English comedian, really funny guy, John Bishop, whom I happened to meet not a bit

on a ferry

on a barge in

like a canal boat in Amsterdam at a lunch. And I went over there with a friend and it was a big, a bunch of people going over there for this thing.

And I went, I sat next to him and he told me the story of how he became a stand-up. And the story was he was, he was separated from his wife getting divorced.

And he goes to a pub and he doesn't want to pay the cover and he puts his name down for Open Mic. So he gets in for free, thinking they're not going to call me.
And they call him.

And he goes up and the first thing he says is, I'm getting a divorce. I think I'm getting a divorce.
He has no ambition to be a stand-up, knows nothing about stand-ups. So that was the impetus.

So he has the catharsis. He keeps going back.
Yeah. And it makes him feel good.

He tried drinking. He tried all that stuff.
But this, he actually, and this is a guy, you know, who had never, never been to therapy, never done any of that stuff.

But going in front of a crowd of strangers and just kind of talking about his own reality made him feel better. He got relief from it, which was, which I totally get now.

I'd never done stand-up before, and I can see how that works. I was curious to prepare for this role.
You did stand-up. Yeah.
And you did a lot of stand-up yeah

and

were you telling the crowds this is for a movie role um

no well one i know that in that situation i probably would have said this is for a project i would have wanted some kind of shield that was the instinct

that was the instinct yeah and and and actually the truth is the first time i went to do stand-up shane gillis who was really kind to us and it um invited us down to austin and to go up uh at the mothership and he said come down here and we'll give you some time.

So Bradley and I went down there. This is right after New Year's last year when we were in pre-production.
And I hadn't done stand-up yet.

And we went down there and we had all this material that we had written for the various sets that happened throughout the

movie. And the first time I went up there, they introduced me as Alex Novak is my character's name.
And so I go out. I'm nervous as hell.

Again, you know, I've done lots of stuff before, but never done actual stand-up.

Even though I was being introduced. So people are sort of, you could see some people were, and here are some people who were confused.
They're kind of laughing.

And there were some people who were clearly fans and not everybody, but some people were like, oh, yeah, okay. And what's the name? And what's going on?

And I said, I said something like, yeah, I'm Alex. Bear with me.
Hopefully in a year or so, this will make sense is what I said. Yeah.

And then I went on and I did this set, came out, came off, and it went, it went okay. It was like, I was,

and I was about to go out again for the second time that night. And Kirk Fox, this comedian, great dude, super funny dude, he was talking to me and he said, hey, man, don't, I don't know why.

He goes, you don't need to explain it. Just go out and do it.
Don't worry. Just go do it.
Yeah. And it was such a great, it was such a great piece of advice.
And I was like, yeah.

So I just went and I did it. And I thought, you know what? These people are going to think I'm having a nervous breakdown.
That's okay. It doesn't matter.
And that gave me license.

And then a couple of days later, the next day we flew back to New York. And for six weeks, virtually every night,

we'd go to the cellar at night and do three sets a night. And then during the day, we'd rework the stuff because we're trying to track the, my character's progression and the story and everything.

And I would go up and they'd introduce me sometimes as his second time up or his first time. And I'd go up as Alex Novak and people would laugh or have a reaction.
And it didn't matter.

And Bradley would say to me almost every time. You know, the instinct is, as you know, you go up there, you're a performer, you're doing this thing.

And then part of you is like, well, I just want to make him laugh anyway. Right.
I just want to get the laugh because I'm there anyway. I might as well do something to get the laugh.

I might as well lean on some of my old bits, my old standbys, you know. And Bradley would stop me and he'd go, we're doing something different.
And I'd go, right? We're doing something.

God, what a dick. I know.

You can't throw your fastball.

You're talking about Bradley Cooper or... No.

You're talking about General Omar Bradley

from World War II? Yeah. Terrific general.

And this is a film directed by General Omar Bradley. Omar Bradley, yeah.
And we shot it.

We shot it in the early 50s, I guess.

Before he passed away.

Yeah, yeah, right before he passed away. And

we were at the French sector of Berlin. Yes, yes.
Because the French were still controlling. During the end, where your character defeats Hitler.

I didn't see that coming at all. With comedy.
Yeah.

I killed him with comedy.

Well, I'll say one thing.

I got pulled in, and I think one of the compliments I can pay you is that I got pulled into the movie, and then at one point, you're having an argument with your estranged wife, Laura Dern, and I got mad at her.

Sure. I got mad at the character.
Because you love me. And I just, well, no, I did take your side.
You have a big argument with her. Things are going.
You have a big argument with her.

And I started to get... agitated because I thought, no, he's right.
You're not, you've, he tried to do something nice. Why the, why can't you, and I, I got worked worked up.

I know the moment you're talking about, and it's funny, I've had a few people have, have had reactions from other people that I know, other men and women who have very, you know, so this morning, minor thing, because my wife and I watched the movie together.

And then this morning, I'm doing something. And she's like, did you lose those keys? And I went, I didn't lose those keys.
And she said, well, where are you going to put them this time?

So you don't lose them. And I said, I didn't lose them.
I didn't even go looking for them. They're not lost.
They were here. And she went, well, you kind of did lose them.

And I just said, don't Laura dern me. Wow.
Because we had just watched the movie. Wow.
Last. I said, don't Laura Dern me.
And she's like, okay, if we're doing that, I'm out. Wow.

Because she doesn't put up. God bless Liza.
She does not put up with my shit. She was like, if we're doing that game, I'm gone.
And she went about her business.

And then we talked later and all was good. But

check your phone. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

The pool boy.

Why is Liza calling me? An old cliche.

Yeah. Go through my assistant.
Why is she directly contacting me? By the way, the pool boy's 80. Yeah.

That's what he says. He still wants to be called the pool boy.
It makes you feel worse. Yeah.
He's 80. He has no hips.
They've both been removed, but not replaced.

They carry him around in a wheelbarrow.

Baby has to have his hips removed for weight. Yeah.
No, he's the only guy I know who has joints removed to keep his weight down. Yeah, it's unbelievable.

He had, remember the time he had just a spoonful of creme brulee and then he went on a shooting spree?

I love the man. I do love the man, and it's just jealousy.
It's just pure jealousy. He looks so good.
He looks so good. Anyway,

let's not waste it. We're talking about this.
Not another second on him.

I've been traveling a lot recently. Yeah.
Very important that you have your whole phone situation figured out before you travel. Yeah.

It's the worst when you look down at your phone and it's just, it's just shrugging at you. Like, I don't know where I am, what's happening.

You know, your phone just looks exasperated and out of it. T-Mobile's been a big sponsor and we talk about them a lot.

And I have T-Mobile and we were just in the Philippines and uninterrupted, fantastic service, which not only was great for me personally, but also helped me do my job. I mean, it did.

For the first time, I noticed you really clicking in on your job. Finally.
No, and I was like, oh, he must have T-Mobile service.

That's what I thought. Travel is just better with T-Mobile.
You won't believe what members get on their best plans.

They get amazing travel benefits, like a free year of AAA data and texting in over 215 countries and destinations. So many more, I don't have time to mention.

You know, they have this magenta status benefits and perks. It is really great.
And again, it's- Louder, please.

I don't have a lot of things in my life I can be proud of, but being a magenta status member is one of the things you can belong to. Exactly, exactly.
And it's just, what are the perks and benefits?

Like I said before, uninterrupted service from the Philippines or wherever we are in the world, which is fantastic. It's a great deal.
Magenta status, T-Mobile.

Check it all out at t-mobile.com slash travel.

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I got some years on you, but I am liking this part

of life where you've done the other thing for a long time, you got a lot of satisfaction out of it, and now you're just trying stuff and you're putting yourself out there. And

it's very cool. Thank you.

It's not like I'm not making a big statement like, now I'm doing this at all.

You did ask me to call you actor

Will Arnett. Storyteller.
Storyteller.

story weaver dream weaver me up and and uh I but but it is it is been it's been really um again been really satisfying uh doing this and also I I do feel like I'm at a stage in my life where I'm just I'm much more sort of bound and determined to do stuff that I want to do.

Yeah, yeah.

And so, again, I'm not like, you know, now I'm doing this. Now I am the storyteller at all, at all, at all, at all.
I mean, I'm still a fucking idiot, you know. Glad you said it.

I'm not supposed to say it, but I'm glad you did. But is that like a known?

Yeah.

Wait, you've heard other.

No, it is.

On your Wikipedia page, it says Madura and Will Arnett. But do they? Born.
But do they?

These guys know.

We started it. Yeah.

Oh, you started it. Yeah.
Oh, so you sound like somebody was talking about me.

The title of your podcast is Smartless.

You know?

What describes us best?

And I do, you know this about me. I worship at the altar of arrested development.
I think at its finest, it is

maybe one of the highest levels of comedy that's been achieved. Or if not the, it's in very rare company.
And so it's just a remarkable achievement. And so you're an indelible part of that thing.

That's a real major way that my son and I have bonded over the years is different comedic things. And he and I, to this day,

when we get together, when he's back from school and he's glum or one of us is down, we start watching Arrested Volumes. And he's like a, you know, he's like a card dealer in Vegas.

He knows which ones to give me. And he knows exactly which ones to deal out.
Like what mood,

what alternator. Yeah, he knows that anything with Franklin in it will kill me.
Oh, Oh, my God. Franklin, the ventriloquist puppet.

The close-up shot of Franklin pushing in, which I've talked to you about.

The reaction shot of a puppet.

But there are so many things in that show that give me such delight. And I know that

Mitch Hurwitz has been like a huge part of your life, not just as the creator of a show that helped you get a toehold and gave you a real push. but as a friend and a mentor and a like life guide.

Without question. And I don't, I don't know him well.
I've met him a bunch of times. Which is funny because you guys live like 200 yards from each other.
I know.

True story.

And whenever he comes, I'm duck behind a hedge. Yeah, he's.
And you know what? I am, I'm, I, you know, it's that stupid thing in L.A.

where you don't walk down the street.

Nobody sees their neighbors. No one sees their neighbors here, which is not how I grew up, but it's very strange.
Can I ask you just sort of sidebar? I want to get into the Mitch thing because

you're right. And I adore Mitch, and he's been incredibly impactful in my life,

not just as a sort of a comedic beacon and a guide and a mentor, but also as a friend and as a person. He's one of the all-time great guys.

Do you guys dream about moving back to New York a lot these days? Well, it's funny you say that. No.

No, I'm kidding.

No, it's funny you say that. I'm kind of half moving back now and I'm like, I can't get out of here fast enough.
Oh, okay. I still love LA.

I love Los Angeles, but I really love a lot of things about Los Angeles, and I'm happy to be here. But it's funny you say that because I've been going back more and more

for work because, you know, Sirius XM, they have a space there. And also, both my kids are on the East Coast for school.
So I'll go back east and I'll be in New York. And I'm very happy.

To be honest, I like both. I like the contrast, but I like.

I like spending now two weeks in the, you know, going up to Boston, seeing my, you know, my family.

yeah uh and but hanging in new york is great it's been it's been and i know it's like it's like the oldest thing you know near versus lay and i i for years i got so sick of people going like well in new york you can walk around but i'm like i know i did the same thing i lived in new york for over 20 years i get it so right but i have lately and i feel like i'm not alone a lot of my friends and people you know are like I'm ready to go back.

Like I see my later stages of life being in New York.

I'm just, LA has been, I don't know. Again, there there are going to be people like, good, get the fuck out.

You know, but I don't know what to tell you. I just got so much

many properties here in LA. Oh, God.
I mean, I own most of Catalina. You know that about me, right? I didn't know that.

Oh, I have, I mean, what I did is I took money that I made here on the podcast and I have bought up

most of the valley, all of Catalina. You saw what happened in Catalina today, right?

What happened?

Oh, my God.

They designated Gavin Newsom.

What? It's a toxic site. It's worthless.
I built a massive site. It's all worthless.

I seriously own like 6,000 acres. On the way here, Gavin Newsom said it's toxic, and

they're going to raise it. And no one will ever, it's uninhabitable.
No one will ever be able to go there. I built,

you know that giant geodesic dome that just went up? That's my house. You're destitute.
You're destitute now. It's all gone.
You lost everything.

I told you not to to put it all in Catalina.

And you said nothing. And you actually said to me, this place will never be toxic.
Which is how could you have.

I said my marriage may be toxic and all my friendships, but this ground in Catalina never shall be. Remember? I said that to you? Of course I remember.
You shattered it from a mountaintop.

And I said, I'm going to build a giant geodesic dome

and live there. And live there forever.
I put everything into that. And you did say you were going to live forever also as part of it.
I shall. I know.
I'll outlive Bateman.

You and I are going to outlive Bateman.

Oh, man. You know he's going to dance on my grave.
Of course he will. That's not for six years.

Will.

Mitch Herbert's one of the all-time great guys. I just want to say, he created rest development, as you know, as you pointed out.

I don't think I've, I mean, the wittiest, funniest, most naturally, just like such a gifted, gifted, gifted dude. Yeah, just amazing guy.

He is. When I watch that show, I haven't actually re-watched in a while, but sometimes clips will come up and

I'll just think like, what a fucking brilliant scene. Like what a great, everything.
Like just go, what a great idea. To keep that many balls in the air and have it all pay off.
Dude.

To have that cast, but to have that vision.

He was almost like a live action. We used to say it's verging like on a live action Simpson sometimes, like from back, especially from when you were there, like those days.
And

I meant that always as the highest compliment to him. No, cutaways, it's things that you can do in animation that you really can't achieve when you're shooting on a set.

And you guys had that pace. The whole thing is beautifully rendered.
And man, does it hold up?

It's great. And

so I always,

it's been a lovely thing for me in my life because I always go back. to my favorite stuff and that includes arrested development.
And you are so funny in that show. But it's great now.

I mean, like I say, you have all these things in your back pocket. And now you can go make a movie with Bradley Cooper.
And it's good. It's really good.

Thanks. I just shouted him as Bradley Cooper.
Not. I know a lot of people were like, you mean General Omar Bradley?

I know people were going there, but your audience is so obsessed with.

You know what? We know one thing. When you leave the comments, they're always like, more World War II generals.
Do they really? Yeah. That's bizarre, man.
Yeah.

I'm not going to be. be able to do that.
You probably get that too. It's Margaret.
Yeah, mine are more UK said like Montgomery. They want more

mentions of Montgomery. Poor Bernard Montgomery.

Will, I'm very happy for you. You know, funny Neville Chamberlain once said, oh, sorry, go ahead.

Will, you are a, you're a great friend. And joking aside, it meant the world to me that you were texting me during a dark time and riffing with you over text was a true balm.
It really did.

It was a serum that helped me. And

just delighted that you're in my life. Say hi to the guys from me.
I will.

But do it more, like show more love to Sean for me. And then let, you know what I mean? You'll know how to play it.
Of course I know how to play it.

Let Bateman know, like, oh, he's really all over Sean. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm going to just pour a lot of sugar on Sean. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know? And then be like, no, no, he knows you're on.

Yeah, yeah, and you too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He definitely mentioned you. I'm pretty sure, Major.

All right. I love love it, man.
This is it. We don't have a way to end this, really.
Is there no ending to it? There really isn't an ending.

It just, and this way, this, you know, we usually wait for it to peter out, and this petered out a couple of times.

So there's a couple of endpoints we can use. Okay.

You know? Oh, you're okay. Sorry.
You recreate an endpoint.

And that's the way we do it.

What are you going to say?

There goes another one,

by the way. Yeah? There goes another one.
Yeah, and I'll tell you something. That's what he said to her.

Where are you looking? Oh, there's a camera there. Right there.

Nothing ruins an audio presentation like a guy playing the camera.

Hey, can I just say something? Yeah, it's about time you spoke up. Hey, do you have another quote?

Oh, I got something. Hey, is it okay? I've read this inspirational quote.
It's a long sermon by Euripides

fucking man that thing went on and on and it was great oh I get it yeah but can't you say it in fewer words did you have to read the whole thing

this guy fucking kills me what's on your phone that's better than me

I'm just giving you time

you know I got people to talk to oh look

no just look at I was just doing some texting. Hey, fucking cruel musicians are texting me.

Oh, what's any better?

Nothing.

What was the question I was going to ask you guys about.

God would just cut the pauses out so I seem really snappy. Yeah, yeah, we'll cut off.
We're going to double up on your pauses. Here it is.

When you don't have a fancy mind, I mean, you guys are serious as well. Yeah, right? Yeah.

What do you think about a collab? Yes. Yes.
You know?

Should we do a collab? But you know what I'm going to tell you something.

We come in here into the studio, me and Sean and baby, and come into the studio and

we just do something, you know? You know what I'm going to say something? Yeah.

We got a huge thing going on. Just to give you a spark.

That's fair. That's fair.
We've been dragging ass lately. You're looking old.

I love that that came on the heels of you going, you know, we got a good thing going.

You immediately changed to work dragging ass lately. Listen, Taysom.

You guys come in, we join forces, you know,

we take the power of this show and then we add whatever you guys are doing. And

whatever we're doing. You're doing fine.
Didn't you have a documentary or something? No. I don't remember.
We did a docuseries. Yeah.
Okay. I don't know.
I remember. I tried to get it and it said,

there's been a little interest. Do you mind if I just do this real quick? Sorry, I don't want to interrupt.
Okay.

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I just got to get a little business done. Is that okay?

You know,

you get a lot of that candy money from Reese's. I know you do.
I hate to brag, but I got a candy bar too. Payday.

Payday came to me, and I'm doing a payday bar now.

And they want, yeah. No, Hershey's is your

Hershey's is your bar. Don't God, he can't have Hershey.

Hershey's is your bar. He can't have it.
Not Payday. What's that?

It's not Payday. It's Hershey's.

God, he's... Do you have a guy in the room with you who's like, not monetizable?

There's no money here. No, we don't have a cooler on set

that we bring to cool down the heat on the table. Sorry, I mentioned a rival candy.
That won't happen again. Why don't you just have a taser and just shock me? Oh, my God.
No, Hershey's.

You know, Hershey's came to me like, oh, Reese's peanut butter cups. That's who owns Reese's.
Sorry. What? That's who owns Reese's, right? Yeah.
Yeah.

Well, the big company that runs it all came to me. So you, you live for Reese's.
And by the way, you don't even seem to like the candy when you talk about it. But I,

Hershey came to me and they were like, Please, please, please, please. And I said, All right, sure.
Oh, good.

Yeah, why described them as sort of obsequious.

They were so like,

oh my God,

we're hemorrhaging cash.

And so I was like, yeah, whatever. Hey, Hershey's, I like it.
But they would, and then they were like, You're so inarticulate. I forget that.

I said, Hershey's good.

But anyway, and then they said, Hershey's candy bar through the roof, through the roof after I gave it my

sign of approval.

Through the roof, through the fucking roof. This is true story.
Easily verified.

Don't look it up.

Don't look it up.

That always is alarm bells when somebody says, don't look it up immediately. And you tried to grab my phone.
Yeah. That's how worried you were.
Just don't look it up.

Anyway. What's the rest of you, your daylight, Codena? Be honest.
Be really honest. Facial.
Is that true? Yeah, like one of those avocado scrubs on the face. And then the back.

What time do you start drinking? Like four?

3:30. No.
3 o'clock. Yeah.
2:30. 2:15.
And then you're going to watch the baseball? You're going to watch some baseball? I'm not going to say what they, but you're going to watch some baseball.

You can't say which teams. Oh, because this doesn't air until.

You know what? This airs. Welcome to show, biz.
Hey.

Hey, Merry Christmas. Fuck, dude.
Merry Christmas, man. Dude, Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. You're still just a writer up on 17.

Does this need a punch-up?

Lauren liked it. Fucking, this is what happened when you let the nerds in.

Did well at read-through. This is what happened.
The nerds never got it.

You know what I mean?

It works on the page.

You didn't say it the right way. Rolling, scram!

Say it this way.

Talent's here. Jeez is coming out of my eyes.
Shh.

Oh my god. We stopped recording

so long ago. I know.

These mics blow, but you can lean against them. You know, you can't do that with yours.
I can lean against mine. Anyway, a time was had by all.
You know what? And that's what the

dude did. Stop ruining it.

We had a great. I just tied it up.
It was perfect.

Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.
To be continued?

Fuck you. Don't come back.
Don't come back. You're the worst.
You're a terrible guy. By the way,

all jokes aside, and I know we're done, but let me just say this.

And I know you wanted to get in a voiceover, and you said that all the people came to you, but I did think of a gig that you'd be really good for. What's that? Afflac.
Afflac.

Afflack. Fucking perfect.
We got it. They also, there's a helium balloon company that wants me.

Helium balloons. Wait, voices can get higher?

Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Frost, and Nick Liao.

Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.

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