The House Dick

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Okay, let's get started.

Hi, Tricia. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.

Hi, Tricia. How are you? Oh, my God.

I am so happy to be here right now. You have no idea.
Like, I'm screaming internally. I'm such a big fan, Conan.
Why are you screaming internally?

You know, I mean, I like my fans to scream externally.

No, I gotta be cool, you know, like I'm meeting one of my idols. Oh, you really think

that's cool? You don't have to be cool around us.

Well, it's very nice to meet you, Tricia. And you are in the Philippines, is that right? Yes.
Whereabouts? That's right. And right now I'm in Santo Tomas, Batangas.
Where is that?

It's like an hour away. From Manila? Yeah, it's an hour away from Manila, which is the capital of the Philippines.
Yes, that's the one thing I did know.

Yeah. And so you are about an hour away north, south, east, west.
Are you on the coast? Are you inland? I'd just like to know these things. I'm building, I'm making a map

from my phone. Yeah, we're south from Manila.
Okay. So

it's an hour drive from Makati by a car. Are you in a mountainous

region or is it more of a floodplain? And I'll be done with these questions soon. Mountainous.
Okay. Okay.

We're not near the beach at all. Is the air humid or is it a dry heat? Are you planning an invasion? What are you doing? I'm not saying whether or not I'm...

I'm not admitting that I'm planning an invasion, but sleep well and ignore any noises.

Okay. So Tricia, tell me a little bit about yourself, your life.
What's going on? Right now.

It's funny because I wanted to sleep early, right, for this podcast, but I woke up an hour and 30 minutes later because my daughter kicked me in the face because she was asleep next to me.

So I haven't slept since then

i don't want to miss this call as well this is funny you say that because about two hours ago my daughter kicked me in the face and she's 21.

oh my god yeah and she was wearing steel-toed boots and screaming i hate you i hate you father i hate you so in a way we both had the same experience um yeah so you have one daughter

She's 33 next month. Yeah.

Oh, that's really cute. That's great.
And what about,

do you, are you married?

Are you in a partner? Yeah, I'm married. Yeah, I'm married right now.

Right now.

Right now. Is that what you say?

And who are you married to? What is the name of this? Every time she checks her watch.

What is the name of your significant other?

His name's Patrick. Okay, so you're married to Patrick, and every day you say the marriage is still going as of right now.
Yeah. Yes, as we speak.
As we speak, there is still a marriage. Yeah.

Continue.

Stand by for other alerts. And tell us about your life.
You have, it's you, Tricia. It's Patrick.
You have a daughter.

Yeah. What do you do? What do you guys do?

We both run and manage this small hotel in Tenawan.

It's the town next to Santo Tomas.

Right now there are 22 rooms.

It's a simple, small hotel. Well, 22 rooms is a, that's a, that's a good size.
That's a lot of work, I would would think. You run a hotel and it's 22 rooms.

Yeah, it is.

And yeah, we've been encountering problems actually.

And we would like, and we also run a restaurant, which we would like to market more because right now the hotel is doing better than the restaurant. Okay, so let me paint the picture here.

Hotel thriving. Yeah.
You've got a 22-room hotel, but there is a restaurant that's part of the hotel and it's not getting enough business.

Yes.

We would prefer to have more foot traffic, but right now it's not

at its peak. So we would like to capture more of the market.

Yeah. Okay.
And it's been running for five years now. Five years.
It's a, yeah, we would like to have more people come in the restaurant. Now, be honest with me.
Oh, you think I could help? Yeah.

How could I help?

You can help by like serving the people.

You can be a waiter. Yeah, I know.
I'm just checking for a server. Tricia, I thought you were going to say, oh, come meet Conan O'Brien at the restaurant.
Use my celebrity.

But no, you want me waiting tables. Or a dishwasher.
Or a dishwasher.

Okay. Well, I could maybe do that.
My wife would say I'm not very good at washing dishes, but I'd give it a go, which is more than I do at home.

Well, okay, I'm curious about something. You have

guests in the hotel. You say the hotel is doing well.
Do the guests eat in the restaurant?

Yes, they do eat in the restaurant. Do they like the restaurant? Is it a good restaurant or do you think the restaurant could be better?

It's definitely a good restaurant. And I think we just want more people to know more about the restaurant.

Because right now, I don't think they're aware that there is a restaurant there. So we want, aside from the hotel guests, We would like people from Yes the town There's a lack of awareness.

Can I ask you what the name is of the restaurant? Yes

It's called Victorina's modern restaurant and bar. It's actually named after my husband's grandma

Yeah, well Trisha we're gonna we're gonna change that name and

wait a minute

Yeah, we're gonna change that name. Hey, you want my help or not? We're gonna call it.

I love that it's named after Patrick's grandmother.

That's gotta go. And we're gonna change change it to the International House of Pancakes.

Oh, my God. Or IHOP for short.
Okay.

Yeah, okay. Okay.
Maybe maybe

it's just a Filipino version. No, we just say IHOP and we say we have 23 kinds of syrup for the pancakes.
And then when they come in, they get

authentic food from the Philippines. You know? And I just say, oh, yeah, that was a misunderstanding.
Eat your food and fucking shut up.

And you'll be there to serve the food, right? Yes, I'll be there to serve the food.

Really wants a server. Yeah, that's good.
Do you need any help also?

Would I just work in the restaurant or would I also maybe work around the hotel?

Oh, yeah, you can definitely man the front desk.

I think people would like that.

What do you have to do?

What do you have to do?

You want Conan to be the first thing they experience when they go to the bottom. But you just said that you think I'd be good at the front desk because I'm a white man? Oh, really? Yeah.

He's a very white man. Yeah.

I mean, there's white men, and then there's me. I'm a very, very white man.

Well, what do I do at the front desk? Do I get to wear a little cap, or is that just the Bellman who wears that?

No, the girls have like this little scarf around their neck. Maybe you can wear that.
The girls? Who are the girls? It's part of the uniform.

Wait a minute. Who are the girls?

No, the front desk attendants. There are front desk attendants and they wear little scarves.

Yeah, it's part of their uniform. So maybe you can buy that too.

No, no, it's not what you think. Oh, well, how do you know what I think? It better not be what I think.
I think she knows what you think. Because I have a Zuray mind.

No, I'm saucy. No, it's a corporate hotel.
Yes, of course, of course. No hanky-panky ever at a corporate hotel.

Yes, no. All above board.
You know how businessmen are always so above board.

Oh, my God. Hey,

is it my job as the person at the front desk to make sure that couples that say they're married really are married and sort of be the house detective? Do I get to pry into their personal lives at all?

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.
What if a lady of the night tries to check in? Is it my job to investigate those things? Let them.

You have to let them. I'm thinking, you know, but this is a reputable joint.
And he's the house dick. But they're business people.
You know what? I'm with Matt here.

Hold it. I'm with Matt here, and we are both thinking of the same thing, which is it's the 1930s, and I'm the house detective or house dick.
Yeah, the hotel dick. I'm the hotel dick.

I'm a dick wherever I go. That's for sure.
I've also been a motel dick. We are thinking the same thing.

But my thing is that I would be asking a lot of questions like, hmm, Mr. and Mrs.
Smith, eh? That's a pretty common name. What's your real name? We come in and you got to grill us.

We're a couple, okay? What kind of couple? What's the name of the hotel?

It's called Bravo Tanawan Hotel. Bravo Tanawan? Okay.
Hey, welcome to the Bravo Tanawan. How can I help you? Pretty good, thanks.

Okay, yeah. Well,

again, how can I help you? you? We'd really like a room and fast, man.

Okay, man. Yeah, all right.
I'll pay anything. Yeah.
Yeah, you seem like all worked up and sweating, huh? Well, it's just, yeah,

it's finally going to happen. Okay, you're going to.
All right. I want a room just for 15 minutes.
You want a room for 15 minutes? Okay. Well, you two seem all.

Wait, you got lipstick all over your face there, buddy. I know I got in a lipstick fight.
Yeah. Wow.
Okay. And all right, I just need to know your names.
What are your names?

My name is actually John Smith. Actually, John Smith, and you are

Slurk.

Wait, you're not married? Schlerk Smith. Yeah.
But we are married. I'm very suspicious.
Okay. I'm going to need some identification.
Oh, I just, I got off a, I got mugged. Okay, all right.

Well, listen, I'll give you a room for 15 minutes, but I'm going to have to be in the room with you to make sure there's no hanky-panky. Cool, man.
I'm into that.

No, there'll be, we're all going to stand. No one gets to lie on the bed.
That costs extra, sir.

I'll pay it. Let me see some ID.

Here it is, sir. Can I come upstairs with you guys? Yeah.
Hey, your name is Schlerk, too. Yeah.

I'm from a long line of Schlerks. The Connecticut Schlerks? Yeah, I just heard a Schlerk.
Was that you, sir? You seem pretty worked up.

All right, let's get out of here.

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That was the sketch. It was called

Three's a Crowd. What do you think? Did you like it?

Yeah.

I was thinking you can even like catch cheating husbands, you know? Yes, that's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to be a very nosy house detective.

I would like to work. I mean, I'm kind of interested in working in the restaurant, but I'm really interested in working in the hotel.

And do you have a little bell that dings dings when people check in?

No,

I'm going to bring a bell. I'm bringing a bell.

I can put your name on it.

No, you don't have my name on the bell. It's just a bell, and people know to ding it, and then I cover it really quickly.
It's a fun bit. It's existed in many ways.
We need to be in a little bell cap.

I'm going to have a bell cap. I want a little box hat or whatever.
I want a little

pillbox cap with a strap around the chin. I want the little bell.
I want to have a big quill or a giant pen that signs in the registry. We need a big old-fashioned registry.

I want all of the old tropes that would be in a sketch from the 1940s. You can write into it.
Yes, exactly. And oh, does the elevator have an arrow that goes up, up, up, up, up in a semicircle? No.

Oh, my God. We got to fix this hotel.

Yeah, you got to. Yeah, you need to.

Now, tell me, how did you get into the hotel business?

My husband's grandparents, they had this plot of land

that was

available to be developed. So, my husband decided to make a hotel with it because he saw potential in the market.
Because nearby, there's an industrial park. So,

they're big international companies as well. So, that's why we also put this hotel up because there are people from abroad who bring their employees to work here for a while, like engineers.

Got it, got it. Things like that.
Yeah.

Okay. So, you built this hotel.
Was this your dream as a child one day i'll have a hotel

no

far from it actually

um i i was more into the arts i was more right-brained and um i actually belonged to a family of doctors so i was so out of place yeah

so i didn't want to be a doctor i knew i would regret it and i knew i would be unhappy so i decided to to go the safer route and take business.

So at least with business, it's, I can evolve or it's more, I can do more things with it. You know what I mean? Ah, I like it.
What kind of art did you like to do?

Um, when I was young, you know, I'd like I'd paint and all that, but it was never really, it was never really um

prioritized, so it was kind of placed to the side. So, the skill was never, um, yeah, well, you weren't getting encouragement, you weren't getting encouragement,

um,

yeah, or it wasn't like it wasn't a priority. Yeah.
So it, yeah, it wasn't something they saw that could be like a career. Sure.
Yeah.

Well, my parents always thought this wasn't a career.

And even after you were very successful. After 30 years in late night, they said, when's your career getting very successful, though?

Oh my gosh. Well, Tricia,

I would very much like to help your hotel and restaurant. We got to change the name to IHOP.
That would be great.

Okay. No worries.
And have a lot of syrups around, different flavored syrups. No hotel.

And then

I want to be the house detective that and also the I want to be dressed as a Bellman but working the front desk.

And I think I'll mix well with the ladies who wear scarves around their necks. I will also wear a scarf if you wish.

And I think I could be a big help to you. And my one question is,

do you like Balot?

Oh, no. My dad does, though, but I don't.

You have to eat that, though. I don't know if I can.
It's, you know what a balot is? It's a little bird. It's a little embryo

baby chicken that's inside a pickled egg. It's my dad's favorite.
Yeah. People swear by it, and they say, once you have it, you go insane and you just have balot the rest of your life.

Yeah.

Yeah. And sometimes you can even feel like the tiny bones go down your throat.

Yeah. No, but they say it's good.
Yeah.

What's wrong with tiny bones bones going down your throat.

It's just tiny bones going down your throat. I mean, when you think about it, it's no different than eating chicken.
Yeah, or eating any fetus.

So,

well, Tricia, it's been very nice talking to you until this

imagery late in the podcast.

But I do wish you well, and I wish Patrick well and your daughter. And if I get a chance to come visit you, I'd like to try and help your business the best.

Of course, you're welcome anytime. Yeah, let me ask you quickly: Am I known in the Philippines? Am I a known fellow in the Philippines?

So, if you say Conan O'Brien's here at the hotel, people would be happy to see me or would they be angry and want to come hit me?

They'd definitely be happy to see you and then hit me. Yeah, six foot four man with red hair, you'd be like an attraction, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, come see the tall white guy, yeah, yeah, yeah, um, all right, circus, okay, take it easy here, buddy. Sideshow, yeah, like a sideshow, yeah, almost sideshow.
The bearded lady. Yes.

Except weirder. Okay, take it easy.
Sorry. Tricia.

Oh, and what's the name of this stew that's made with blood and all kinds of stuff? What is that? Oh,

that's so good. Dinu Goan.

Tell us what it's named of. Goat's blood?

I'm not exactly. I think it's pig's blood, but it's really good with rice.
I think you should try that. Sure.
It's really good. We even have this dish.
Fetal bird and then the pig's blood.

Yeah, no one of the restaurants in trouble. I'll have the fetal bird with some, and then bring me the pig's blood, and then we'll throw a little rice in it.

Can I have pancakes with raspberry syrup? You betcha.

All right, Trisha, it was very nice talking to you. Best of luck to you.
It's so nice to meet you. And maybe I'll see you in the near future.
You never know. Yes.
Yes. You're welcome anytime, though.

Thank you so much. It was lovely talking to you.
Thank you. Bye-bye.
It's nice meeting you guys. Nice meeting you, too.
Bye-bye.

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