The House Dick

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Why does hell say it, right, Sona? Yeah. Like, who needs a crust?

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Okay, let's get started.

Speaker 1 Hi, Tricia. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.
Hi. Hi, Tricia.
How are you? Oh my God. I am so happy to be here.
I know you have no idea. Like, I'm screaming internally.
I'm such a big fan, Conan.

Speaker 1 Why are you screaming internally? You know, I mean, I like my fans to scream externally.

Speaker 1 No, I gotta be cool, you know. Like, I'm meeting one of my idols.
Oh, you really don't?

Speaker 1 You don't have to be cool around us.

Speaker 1 Well, it's very nice to meet you, Tricia. And you are in the Philippines, is that right right? yes whereabouts that's right um and right now i'm in santo tomas batangas where is that in relation to

Speaker 1 from manila yeah it's an hour away from manila which is the capital of the philippines yes that's the one thing i did know yeah um yeah and so you are uh about an hour away north south east west are you on the coast are you inland i just like to know these things i'm building i'm making a map from my uh from my phone yeah we're south from um manila okay so it's a it's an hour drive from Makati by a car.

Speaker 1 Are you in a mountainous region or is it more of a floodplain? And I'll be done with these questions soon. Mountainous.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 1 We're not near the beach at all. Is the air humid or is it a dry heat? Are you planning an invasion? What are you doing? I'm not saying whether or not I'm...

Speaker 1 I'm not admitting that I'm planning an invasion, but sleep well and ignore any noises.

Speaker 1 Okay. So, Tricia, tell me a little bit about yourself, your life.
What's going on? Right now,

Speaker 1 it's funny because I wanted to sleep early for this podcast, but I woke up an hour and 30 minutes later because my daughter kicked me in the face because she was asleep next to me.

Speaker 1 So, I haven't slept since then

Speaker 1 because I don't want to miss this call. This is funny you say that because about two hours ago, my daughter kicked me in the face and she's 21.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Yeah, and she was wearing steel-toed boots and screaming, I hate you, I hate you, father.
I hate you. So in a way, we both had the same experience.

Speaker 1 So you have one daughter?

Speaker 1 Mm-hmm. She's 33 next month.
Yeah. Oh, that's really cute.
That's great. And what about,

Speaker 1 do you, are you married?

Speaker 1 Are you in a partner? Yeah, I'm married. Yeah, I'm married right now.

Speaker 1 Right now. My husband's here.

Speaker 1 Right now. Is that what you say?

Speaker 1 And who are you married to? What is the name of this? Every time she checks her watch. yeah what time what is the name what is the name of your significant other

Speaker 1 his name's patrick okay so you're married to patrick and do every day you say the marriage is still going as of right now yeah yes as we speak as we speak there is still a marriage yeah continue

Speaker 1 um stand by for other alerts and tell us about your your life you have uh it's you tricia it's patrick you have a a daughter um yeah what do you do what do you guys do uh we both run and manage this small hotel in Tenawan.

Speaker 1 It's the town next to Santo Tomas. So right now there are 22 rooms.

Speaker 1 It's a simple, small hotel. Well, 22 rooms is a, that's a, that's a good size.
That's a lot of work, I would think. You run a hotel and it's 22 rooms.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it is.

Speaker 1 And yeah, we've been encountering problems actually.

Speaker 1 And we would like, and we also run a restaurant, which we would like to market more because right now the hotel is doing better than the restaurant. Okay, so let me paint the picture here.

Speaker 1 Hotel thriving. Yeah.
You've got a 22-room hotel, but there is a restaurant that's part of the hotel, and it's not getting enough business.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 We would prefer to have more foot traffic, but right now it's not

Speaker 1 at its peak. So we would like to capture more of the market.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.
And it's been running for five years now. Five years.
It's a, yeah, we would like to have more people come in the restaurant. Now, be honest with me.
Oh, you think I could help? Yeah.

Speaker 1 How could I help?

Speaker 1 You can help by like serving the people.

Speaker 1 You can be a waiter. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 I'm just searching for a server. Trisha, I thought you were going to say, oh, come meet Colonel O'Brien at the restaurant.

Speaker 1 Use my celebrity, but no, you want me waiting tables or a dishwasher or a dishwasher.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, I could maybe do that. My wife would say I'm not very good at washing dishes, but I'd give it a go, which is more than I do at home.

Speaker 1 Well, okay, I'm curious about something. You have

Speaker 1 guests in the hotel. You say the hotel is doing well.
Do the guests eat in the restaurant?

Speaker 1 Yes, they do eat in the restaurant. Do they like the restaurant? Is it a good restaurant or do you think the restaurant could be better?

Speaker 1 it's a it's definitely a good restaurant and i think we just want more people to know more about the restaurant

Speaker 1 because right now i don't think they're aware that there is a restaurant there so we want aside from the hotel guests we would like people from yes the town there's a lack of awareness can i ask you what the name is of the restaurant

Speaker 1 It's called Victorina's Modern Restaurant and Bar. It's actually named after my husband's grandma.
Oh, Oh, yeah. She was from that town.
Yeah. Well, Tricia,

Speaker 1 we're going to change that name. And wait a minute.
Wait a minute. What? Yeah, we're going to change that name.
Hey, you want my help or not? We're going to call it.

Speaker 1 I love that it's named after Patrick's grandmother.

Speaker 1 That's got to go. And we're going to change it to the International House of Pancakes.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Or IHOP for short.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, okay. Okay.
Maybe, maybe

Speaker 1 it's a Filipino version. No, we just say IHOP and we say we have 23 kinds of syrup for the pancakes.
And then when they come in, they get,

Speaker 1 you know, authentic food from the Philippines, you know? And I just say, oh, yeah, that was a misunderstanding. Eat your food and fucking shut up.

Speaker 1 And you'll be there to serve the food, right? Yes, I'll be there to serve the food.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's it. Do you need any help also?

Speaker 1 Would I just work in the restaurant or would I also maybe work around the hotel?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, you can definitely man the front desk.

Speaker 1 I think people would like that. What do you have to do?

Speaker 1 What do you have to do?

Speaker 1 You want Conan to be the first thing they experience when they get to the bottom of the camera. But you just said that you think I'd be good at the front desk because I'm a white man? Oh, really?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's a very white man. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, there's white men, and then there's me. I'm a very, very white man.

Speaker 1 Well, what do I do at the front desk? Do I get to wear a little cap or is that just the Bellman who wears that?

Speaker 1 No, the girls have like this little scarf around their neck maybe you can you can wear that the girls who are the girls it's part of their uniform

Speaker 1 wait a minute who are the girls

Speaker 1 no the front desk attendants they're a front desk attendants and they wear little scarves

Speaker 1 yeah it's their part of their uniform so maybe you can wear that too

Speaker 1 uh no no it's not what you think oh well how do you know what i think it better not be what i think i think she knows what you think because i have a zero in mind you went

Speaker 1 no saucy no it's a corporate hotel. Yes, of course, of course.
No hanky, panky ever at a corporate hotel. Yes, no.
All above board. You know how businessmen are always so above board.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Hey,

Speaker 1 is it my job as the person at the front desk to make sure that couples that say they're married really are married and sort of be the house detective? Do I get to pry into their personal lives at all?

Speaker 1 Yeah, sure. Go ahead.
What if a lady of the night tries to check in? Is it my job to investigate those things? Let them.

Speaker 1 You have to let them. I'm thinking, you know, but this is a reputable joint.
I'm just the house dick. But they're business people.
You know what? I'm with Matt here.

Speaker 1 Hold it. I'm with Matt here, and we're both thinking of the same thing, which is it's the 1930s and I'm the house detective or a house dick.
Yeah, the hotel dick. I'm the hotel dick.

Speaker 1 I'm a dick wherever I go. That's for sure.
I've also been a motel dick. We are thinking the same thing.

Speaker 1 But my thing is that I would be asking a lot of questions like, hmm, Mr. and Mrs.
Smith, eh? That's a pretty common name. What's your real name? We come in and you got to grill us.

Speaker 1 We're a couple, okay? What kind of couple?

Speaker 1 What's the name of the hotel?

Speaker 1 It's called Bravo Tanawan Hotel. Bravo Tanawan? Okay.
Hey, welcome to the Bravo Tanawan. How can I help you? Pretty good, thanks.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah. Well,

Speaker 1 again, how can I help you? We'd really like a room and fast, man.

Speaker 1 Okay, man. Yeah, all right.
I'll pay anything. Yeah.
Yeah, you seem like all worked up and sweating, huh? Well, it's just, yeah,

Speaker 1 it's finally going to happen. Okay, you're going to, all right.
I want a room just for 15 minutes. You want a room for 15 minutes? Okay, well, you two, Seymour.

Speaker 1 Wait, you got lipstick all over your face there, buddy. I know I got in a lipstick fight.
Yeah. Wow, okay.
And, all right, I'll just need to know your names. What are your names?

Speaker 1 My name is actually John Smith. Actually, John Smith, and you are.

Speaker 1 Slurk.

Speaker 1 Wait, you're not married? Schlurk Smith. Yeah.
So we are married. I'm very suspicious.
Okay. I'm going to need some identification.
Oh, God.

Speaker 1 I just, I got off uh i got mugged okay all right well listen i'll give you a room for 15 minutes but i'm gonna have to be in the room with you to make sure there's no hanky panky cool man i'm into that no uh there'll be we're all gonna stand no one gets to lie on the bed that costs extra sir

Speaker 1 i'll pay it let me see some id

Speaker 1 here here it is sir can i come upstairs with you guys yeah hey your name is schlerk too yeah

Speaker 1 i'm from a long line of schlerks the connecticut schlerks yeah i just heard a schlerk was that you sir You seem pretty worked up.

Speaker 1 All right, let's get out of here.

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Speaker 1 you've been working with Ashley recently. Care to tell us? Yeah, well, I'm an interior decorator now.
You know what? I do think you have good style. Yeah.
Well, Ashley makes it very easy. Okay.

Speaker 1 And then, you know recently our sadly we lost our house and we were living with my parents for four and a half months and my kids trashed the place so my parents we got them this dining set it's really pretty first of all they look pretty durable but they are but your kids are you know they're very good at destroying things they are and they can't even destroy why do you let your children have saws and hammers it just feels like a mistake i know but they would like but that's beautiful that's gorgeous yeah they love it it was really easy yeah and because i'm an interior decorator i also helped blai with what he really badly needed, some new furniture.

Speaker 1 Trust me, all of Blais' furniture was just old action figures duct taped together

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Yeah. Extra poking you and everything.
You'd be like, attack, attack.

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And really, it is the nicest thing in my apartment. Yeah.
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Speaker 1 That was the sketch. It was called

Speaker 1 Threes a Crowd. What do you think? Did you like it?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was thinking, I was thinking you can even like catch cheating husbands, you know? Yes, that's what I'm going to do.

Speaker 1 I'm going to be a very nosy house detective.

Speaker 1 I would like to work. I mean, I'm kind of interested in working in the restaurant, but I'm really interested in working in the hotel.
And do you have a little bell that dings when people check in?

Speaker 1 No, I'll go to the bottom.

Speaker 1 I'm going to bring a bell. I'm bringing a bell.

Speaker 1 I can put your name on it.

Speaker 1 No, you don't have my name on the bell. It's just a bell, and people know to ding it.
And then I cover it really quickly. It's a fun bit that's existed in many industries.

Speaker 1 You need to be in a little bell cap. I'm going to have a bell cap.
I want a little box hat or whatever. I want a little

Speaker 1 pillbox cap with a strap around the chin. I want the little bell.

Speaker 1 I want to have a big quill or a giant pen that signs in the registry. We need a big old-fashioned registry.
I want all of the old tropes that would be in a sketch from the 1940s. You can ride in, too.

Speaker 1 Yes, exactly. And oh, does the elevator have an arrow that goes up, up, up, up, up in a semicircle? No.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. We got to fix this hotel.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you got to. Yeah, you need to.

Speaker 1 Now, tell me, how did you get into the hotel business?

Speaker 1 My husband's grandparents had this plot of land

Speaker 1 that was

Speaker 1 available to be developed. So my husband decided to make a hotel with it because he saw potential in the market.
Because nearby, there's an industrial park. So

Speaker 1 they're big international companies as well. So that's why we also put this hotel up because there are people from abroad who bring their employees to work here for a while, like engineers.
Got it.

Speaker 1 Got it. Things like that.
Yeah. Okay.
So you built this hotel was this your dream as a child one day i'll have a hotel

Speaker 1 no

Speaker 1 far from it actually

Speaker 1 um i i was more into the arts i was more right brained and um i actually belonged to a family of doctors so i was so out of place yeah

Speaker 1 so I didn't want to be a doctor. I knew I would regret it and I knew I would be unhappy.
So I decided to

Speaker 1 go the safer route and take business. So at least with business, it's, I can evolve or it's more, I can do more things with it.
You know what I mean? Ah, I like it.

Speaker 1 What kind of art did you like to do?

Speaker 1 Um, when I was young, you know, I'd like I'd paint and all that, but it was never really, it was never really um

Speaker 1 prioritized. So, it was kind of placed to the side.
So, the skill was never, um, yeah,

Speaker 1 you weren't getting encouragement, you weren't getting encouragement,

Speaker 1 um,

Speaker 1 yeah, or it wasn't like,

Speaker 1 it wasn't a priority. Yeah.
So it, yeah, it wasn't something they saw that could be like a career. Sure.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, my parents always thought this wasn't a career.

Speaker 1 And even after you were very successful. After 30 years in late night, they said, when's your career getting?

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Well, Tricia,

Speaker 1 I would very much like to help your hotel and restaurant. We got to change the name to IHOP.
That would be great.

Speaker 1 Okay, no worries. And have a lot of syrups around, different flavored syrups.
No.

Speaker 1 Sorry.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 I want to be the house detective

Speaker 1 and also the, I want to be dressed as a Bellman, but working the front desk.

Speaker 1 And I think I'll mix well with the ladies who wear scarves around their necks. I will also wear a scarf if you wish.

Speaker 1 And I think I could be a big help to you. And my one question is,

Speaker 1 do you like Balot?

Speaker 1 Oh, no. My dad does, though, but I don't.
Balot. You have to eat that, though.
I don't know if I can.

Speaker 1 You know what Balot is? It's a little bird. It's the little embryo

Speaker 1 baby chicken that's inside a pickled egg. It's my dad's favorite.
Yeah. People swear by it, and they say, once you have it, you go insane and you just have balot the rest of your life.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And sometimes you can even feel like the tiny bones go down your throat.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No, but they say it's good.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's the problem with tiny bones going down your throat?

Speaker 1 That's just tiny bones going down your throat. I mean, when you think about it, it's no different than eating chicken.
Yeah, or eating any fetus.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 well, Trisha, it's been very nice talking to you until this imagery late in the podcast. But I do wish you well, and I wish Patrick well and your daughter.

Speaker 1 And if I get a chance to come visit you, I'd like to try and help your business the best.

Speaker 1 Of course, you're welcome anytime. Yeah.
Let me ask you quickly. Am I known in the Philippines? Am I a known fellow in the Philippines?

Speaker 1 So if you say Conan O'Brien's here at the hotel, people would be happy to see me or would they be angry and want to come hit me?

Speaker 1 They'd definitely be happy to see you. And then hit me.
Yeah, six foot four man with red hair. You'd be an attraction.
Yes. Yeah, yeah.
Like come see the tall white guy. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. Circus.
Okay, take it easy. Okay.
Here, buddy. Sideshow.
Yeah, like a sideshow. Yeah.
Almost a sideshow. The bearded lady.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Except weirder. Okay.
Take it easy. Sorry.
Tricia.

Speaker 1 Oh, and what's the name of this stew that's made with blood and all kinds of stuff? What is that? Oh,

Speaker 1 dinugoan. Dude,

Speaker 1 that's so good. Dinuguan.

Speaker 1 Tell us what it's named of. Goat's blood?

Speaker 1 I'm not exactly. I think it's pig's blood, but it's really good with rice.
I think you should try that. Sure.
It's really good. We even have this dish.
Fetal bird and then the pig's blood.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, one of the restaurants in trouble. I'll have the fetal bird with some, and then bring me the pig's blood, and then we'll throw a little rice in it.

Speaker 1 Can I have pancakes with raspberry syrup? You betcha.

Speaker 1 All right, Trisha, it was very nice talking to you. Best of luck to you.
It's so nice meeting you. And maybe I'll see you in the near future.
You never know. Yes.
Yes. You're welcome anytime, though.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much. It was lovely talking talking to you.
Thank you. Bye-bye.
Nice meeting you guys. Nice meeting you too.

Speaker 1 Bye-bye.

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