Paul Scheer Returns

Speaker 1 Uncrustables are the best part of the sandwich. I mean, we've been thinking that.
Why does hell say it, right, Sona?

Speaker 2 Yeah, like, who needs a crust?

Speaker 1 You've been saying that since the day I met you 15 years ago, Sona. You said, Who needs the crust? And I said, First of all, my name's Conan.
You know,

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Speaker 1 Hi, my name is Paul Scheer.

Speaker 1 And I feel optimistic about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Well, I hate to break it to you, buddy.
Oh, but I knew it. I knew it.
I hate to crush your optimism, but this is all for tax purposes.

Speaker 1 You understand that.

Speaker 1 Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Joined as always by Sona and Matt.
Hi.

Speaker 1 Nice to see you both. And we have a little bit of a a follow-up we need to do today because our audio genius, Eduardo,

Speaker 1 was invited to speak at a career day. Isn't this right? That's right.
Why don't you tell us, Eduardo, fill us in in case anyone missed the last episode where you set the table. No problem.

Speaker 1 So just to refresh the audience, I got invited by my cousin, who's a teacher at Alta Loma High School, Mr. Morano,

Speaker 1 to speak to their students as part of a career day. Okay.

Speaker 1 To tell them what you do. To tell them what I do.
And to refresh, we talked a little bit about, well, these are high school students.

Speaker 1 None of us have any confidence that they will know anything about this podcast. And so there was a concern that you would get up and say, okay, I work on this podcast.
Conor Brian needs a friend.

Speaker 1 And you'd just get blank faces, which would be totally appropriate and also make me feel better about the country. Yeah.
If kids, if young people didn't know us.

Speaker 1 So what happened? So, as you mentioned, I was terrified going into it. But thanks to you guys, everyone here participated and gave me some pointers.

Speaker 1 So I decided that night that we had this discussion to put together like a five-minute sizzle reel. Yeah, we thought maybe a sizzle reel would be good where you're showing them people,

Speaker 1 us with people they may like. Exactly.

Speaker 1 So I did that and I showed up and I got to speak to three total classes,

Speaker 1 about 25 students each, a total of 80 students, I think is what I counted. And I kept track for you you because I wanted to report back as to who may be aware of your work.

Speaker 1 It was a total of seven students. Seven out of how many? 80.

Speaker 1 Okay. You know what?

Speaker 1 Let's do the percentage on that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 A little less than 10%.

Speaker 1 Who am I kidding? I don't know how to do it. It's a little less than 10%.
Okay, it's a little less than 10%. Well, listen, these are high school students.
They probably know, you know, Tate McRae. Oh.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Unless I'm the first one to tell you, I'm no Tate McRae. I'm the first one to ask, who's Tate McRae?

Speaker 1 She's a big, huge star right now.

Speaker 1 You know, I'm no

Speaker 1 Sabrina Carpenter, you know, and I'm no Dua Lipa. I'm also

Speaker 1 no

Speaker 1 ASAP Rocky, ASAP Rocky, you know. I like to spell it out.

Speaker 1 I know, but it's weird when you do that. I know.

Speaker 1 So I get it. I get it.
Now, am I wounded? Yes. I'll just say that I gained a newfound appreciation and respect for A, high school teachers.

Speaker 1 That's a tough gig.

Speaker 1 So so shout out to all of them they're doing good work yeah and i also weirdly got an appreciation for people like you who get to stand in front of crowds uh because at one point i like ran out of all my material and i was like should i start juggling yeah yeah yeah yeah what yeah what do i do here um but no it was great it was a pleasant experience what stars would they know that we've talked about so i picked uh as you guys had suggested i picked ryan reynolds i picked iowa debrief uh i did billie eilish and then i showed some of your hot ones

Speaker 1 footage. Was that just met with horror? They got laughs.
Okay. They got laughs.

Speaker 1 And then a little brief opening of The Oscars. Okay.
Not that to me more part of it.

Speaker 1 You just coming out of it. It was Billy Crystal hosting.

Speaker 1 Yes, exactly. I love that.
And this is a show called The Oscars. This is Billy Crystal.
He did it the correct way.

Speaker 1 It's great that you did that.

Speaker 2 I want to say six or seven kids raise their hand, but I bet more know who you are and are just nervous no you're shaking your head oh you're shaking your head no they don't that was between you and me oh okay i think a lot more kids know of you they're just i think there's this nervousness about being like i know him

Speaker 1 i made the mistake that when because uh my cousin was taking role these aren't normally his students these were people who were assigned to his classroom right to see whoever was speaking that day uh one person had the last name o'brien and i confidently was like you might know who he is and she just looked at me like Who are you talking about, bro?

Speaker 1 Tell him about the one guy. Okay, so yeah, so

Speaker 1 the part

Speaker 1 that I was buried, I guess I buried the lead. The sweetest part was at the very end, one of the students that had raised their hands when asked if they knew who you were

Speaker 1 came up to me at the very end. He's like, Hey, can I just say I'm actually a really huge fan of Conan O'Brien?

Speaker 1 That's nice. He says he watched a lot of your clips from late night, and he had a piece of paper, like notebook paper in his hand.

Speaker 1 And he started started to proceed to ask me, Is there any way he could maybe? And he started gesturing like that you would sign something for him.

Speaker 1 And I said, Do me a favor, can you write your name on the piece of paper, which I brought with him?

Speaker 1 His name's Kane. I can't

Speaker 1 use his last name, but here's the piece of paper that's Kane B from Alta Loma High School.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 I love this kid. Yeah, he was a nice fan.
He was very sweet, very sincere. And yeah, so I thought that was cool.
Well, Kane, listen, I love that you like our nonsense you truly are one of a hundred

Speaker 1 you're a one in a hundred person

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 yeah we'll we'll we'll figure out someone to send him I think he wants you to sign that

Speaker 1 he literally gave me that paper thinking like if he could just sign this

Speaker 1 we'll hook you up Kane yeah well maybe we could get him more than that you know

Speaker 1 well let's uh let's let's see if we can elevate this for Kane what are we talking about here what can we get him a car oh

Speaker 1 we can't get him a car. Okay.
But a t-shirt. Yeah, we also have, when we put in the electrical stuff here, there's a lot of ducting that's left over.
We stack on duct.

Speaker 1 We could sign some ducting.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay, Kane.
You heard it here.

Speaker 1 Kane, you know the metal sheaths that go around electrical cables. I'll get you a section of that.
I'll sign it to you. No,

Speaker 1 we have some swag. We can sign some swag for them.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think this shows that we're all really desperate to have high school students think we're cool, right? Isn't that what it is? I think they're the scariest audience you can possibly have.

Speaker 1 I don't even try with high school kids. I would not try.
I would, I would, I would flee the area.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 if someone like Kane is out there, we'll make them happy. Yeah.
And they were great, by the way. Like all the students were engaged.

Speaker 1 I set up a little mini podcast setup where they can come speak on mic and act as a producer and stuff like that. I have to say, I'm glad you did this because anytime in my life I run across a teacher,

Speaker 1 I just tell them

Speaker 1 I'm awed. I'm in awe of teachers.
I just think

Speaker 1 it's the greatest profession. And I do think we have our priorities way out of whack in this country insanely

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 they are essential. They're just amazing, incredible people, and they change lives.

Speaker 1 And so

Speaker 1 shout out to your teacher friend. What's the name?

Speaker 1 My cousin, Angel Morono. Mr.
Moreno. Yeah.
It's Moreno. Moreno.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah.
Incredible. Point check.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a rap.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, cool.
My guest today hosts the podcast, How Did This Get Made? And on Spooled, he also has a YouTube web series titled Dark Web.

Speaker 1 He is a lovely fellow, very funny, and I'm so glad that he could make time for us.

Speaker 1 Paul Shearer, welcome.

Speaker 1 So great that you're here. I love talking to you.
And we realized, like, we haven't talked to you in a long time. There's much to discuss.
Absolutely. And I'm just trying to remember, you know,

Speaker 1 because you would do bits on my show back in the day. What was our first encounter? Do you remember? I'm trying to remember because it was a chaotic time.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, so girls were tearing my clothes off.

Speaker 1 I was tearing your clothes on. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 Giving you scarves and hats? Screaming women.

Speaker 1 Screaming women used to charge me and clothe me more

Speaker 1 because they said

Speaker 1 they couldn't handle it. They're like, it's not good.

Speaker 1 Well, it was really exciting to come on the show because it was my first real foray into like real professional acting. I had to join the like can't be true.
It was.

Speaker 1 We could not have been your first professional experience. I was doing shows at midnight called Robot TV, which is like an improvised show

Speaker 1 by robots for robots.

Speaker 1 So this was a giant step up.

Speaker 1 This was a huge leap for me. And even robots wouldn't watch it.
I know.

Speaker 1 It's going to be big in a couple of years. We walked audiences so much.
It was, we had a guy on bass guitar playing like music that was not, that was not pleasant to hear.

Speaker 1 Yes, someone operating a slide projector, and we did the show at midnight. So people were leaving and droves.
But getting, getting where are you going?

Speaker 1 And that's a budget. This is my living.
And that's how we all talked. We thought that would be great to have everyone just talking, like, I am here.
And we worshiped our God, Landau.

Speaker 1 Like, Landau, Landau.

Speaker 1 I have slots to fill. We have slots to feed.
We point at them, my pork.

Speaker 1 so getting to go on your show was a giant big deal and uh and a lot of the times it was in these like these bigger pieces so i was just talking about this the other day there was a a bit and i don't remember the conceit but it was like oh uh summer's over so it's the return of the beach apes and so we all sounds first of all i have no memory but it sounds exactly right us picking something that's completely there's a fragment there which is summer's over.

Speaker 1 Right. Now, most shows would have said summer's over, so we're going to do a bit about dressing for fall.
No, that means the arrival of beach apes.

Speaker 1 It was like the apes had like let the beach be open to humans during the summertime, and now we are back. So we all got

Speaker 1 dressed up in these

Speaker 1 ape gorilla costumes. And, you know, they had probably a couple good ones.
You're in a fossil,

Speaker 1 it's so clear how this got green lit i am i'm the guy that said that sounds right

Speaker 1 also if anything had an ape in it i was immediately yes uh you have to do ape bits we had one character which was uh they said you know of course uh in in planet of the apes right ape you saw apes rode horseback yeah behold a horse riding ape back

Speaker 1 and a horse came out on an ape's back oh uh anyway but go ahead, Tennessee. I want to hear about these apes.

Speaker 1 Your costume was not primo. Well, look, you know, whenever you're in a situation where you have like 20 apes, the quality is going to go down really quickly.
There's always three good.

Speaker 1 It's like in a zombie film. The zombies that are closest to camera got the most time in the chair.

Speaker 1 And zombies, you know, if a horde is charging, the ones that are way in the back, they just picked people with eczema. They just,

Speaker 1 they didn't even put hands. We have definitely, we look like sick dogs, like

Speaker 1 splotchy patches of fur ripped off. And

Speaker 1 we had to put on the feet. And if you know, like these ape costumes, they were like these big feet.
And they drove us out to Jones Beach and they're like, get over the sand. Oh, it's odd locations?

Speaker 1 Oh, sure. Oh, we drove out.
We drove like 45 minutes.

Speaker 1 Sorry. We were a real show.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 we got to get to the beach.

Speaker 1 And so we all hid behind this sand dune, like all 20 of us. And then someone yelled action.

Speaker 1 And then in these costumes, in the sun with these big feet, we're trying to run up sand dunes to like run at camera. The beach apes are coming back.
And that was it. That was it.

Speaker 1 The bit was just we ran up a sand dune. People were falling all over each other because you didn't know how to work the feet.

Speaker 1 And it was a bit that was just like, oh, the beach apes were back over the hill with like Congo music. Like,

Speaker 1 and that was it. And your face wasn't even on camera.

Speaker 1 No. No, I mean, majority of the bits I did, my face was, I was covered.
I was in whale costumes. It was, it was great, though.
It was the best, the best game.

Speaker 2 This is an upgrade from the robot show?

Speaker 2 100%.

Speaker 1 Well, I was getting paid. At least I was getting paid for that.
The robots were watching at home and seeing Paul on late night and going, he's doing well. Everybody has come up in the world.

Speaker 1 Robots, apes, cowboys. That's the hierarchy.
Yeah, it is. It is.

Speaker 1 I would go home and I'd have a tape of all my Conan bits and then show my parents. Like, look, I'm on TV.

Speaker 1 I'm that ape. You see the one in the back with the patchy patches? Are you an ape? Are you an ape again?

Speaker 1 Well, at least he's not doing the robot show anymore.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was, so that was like really like just getting to hang out with everybody in that hallway because we'd be hanging out in the hallway. We'd wait.
We'd either go somewhere.

Speaker 1 I mean, the grossest thing I ever did for your show was

Speaker 1 a desk drive piece. Right.
So the desk would drive around.

Speaker 1 I would say it's time to take the desk out for a ride. It's a beautiful day.

Speaker 1 Andy would slide over next to me, and then using very primitive rear screen projection, I would, you know, put a steering wheel on the desk and drive it around.

Speaker 1 And they actually, because the bit was popular, they made it a ride at the NBC Experience store where you could sit behind a desk and ride with Conan.

Speaker 1 And I've met people over the years that have said to me, now they're in their 30s, but they were like, when I was eight and it was my, you know, I was with my parents in Rockefeller Center and I took a ride with you.

Speaker 1 Remember? No, I wasn't there.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 you shook the hand of the fake robot at Disneyland and then asked Reagan, does he remember?

Speaker 1 So, yeah. We did a desk drive piece where you were driving through the meat packing district before the meat packing district was a fancy, cool place.
It was when it was a meat packing district. Yep.

Speaker 1 Disgusting. And we were Hari Krishna's.
So again, I was in like, you know, a very small, you know, like just practically naked. And, you know, my body is not a sight to be seen unclothed.

Speaker 1 You know, it's, it's, and especially back then, uh, it was even worse. Uh, and

Speaker 1 and I had a bald cap on, and you were, you said, oh, look, there's Harry Krishna's, and then you ran us over. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So then, when you ran us over, we had-I'm saying, you know, having fun with a hate crime, you know what it is.

Speaker 1 These people are different than me.

Speaker 1 And cue applause.

Speaker 1 As we did it, they were like, okay, now you guys have to lay down on the ground in the meat packing district, which at the time smelled like blood and it was disgusting. And

Speaker 1 I remember just being on the ground, looking at the other people, being like, how much longer do we have to be down? Because it smelt. And then, and we're like, no, no, I think we got it.

Speaker 1 We got to keep it going longer, longer. So we were down on that ground for such a long time.

Speaker 1 And I remember it was one of the only times where I couldn't get that smell off because I was pretty much naked naked laying in like, you know,

Speaker 1 blood meat, you know, and it was like a viscera that was just out in the street. And I just remember like all of us coming home again in a van smelling disgusting.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It was, well, I wouldn't have missed it for the world because it was like, it was, you're working.
And

Speaker 1 I will say that that.

Speaker 1 like the best moment of all time was when Kirk Douglas came on the show. Yes.
He walked out. He had a stroke.
He had a stroke. But he came out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was amazing. And he walked down this hallway and he grabbed my face and held it.
And he's like, look at this. This is amazing.
This is what it TV is. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you know, and he was like looking at, you know, like,

Speaker 1 I'm in the body of a whale suit. He's next to a clown.

Speaker 1 A horse just went by on eight back.

Speaker 1 Kirk was like, a horse is on eight back. It felt electric every night.

Speaker 1 You were, and you, you would spend the whole day there, like, and you did something because a show happened and you would, you know, you'd rehearse the bit with you earlier in the day and everything was on camera for seconds.

Speaker 1 I mean, it was staring contests, whatever it was. So it was like, you also could have like 15 people in, you know, just only be on camera for like five seconds in each.
It was great.

Speaker 1 I can't believe it was, it was a definite era because

Speaker 1 it's crazy to think about it now, but we had money to spend. Right.
And so we would order up not just livestock, but, you know, we'd hire actors and we'd have things built and crazy contraptions.

Speaker 1 And then sometimes we'd just cut them at rehearsal and you'd see like a depressed

Speaker 1 whatever, Statue of Liberty made of sausages walking down the street.

Speaker 1 That, you know, Bill Toll was up all night building that and it cost us $2,500.

Speaker 1 It cost the National Broadcasting Company $2,500. And I'm like, eh, it doesn't quite work.

Speaker 1 It gets the laugh, but not the kind of laugh we want.

Speaker 1 You're out, sausage, liberty.

Speaker 1 I was never thinking, what does America want? How can I appeal to America? It was, it's a very self-centered thing. It says, this is the shit I like.
I'm going to do it.

Speaker 1 If they stop it, well, that's too bad. I always say, I always say, like, when people ask for advice, like, how do I get into comedy or how do I do it? And it's like, it's less about how do you get in.

Speaker 1 It's more about finding a group of like-minded people that will support it, right?

Speaker 1 Because failing on stage with people who are all dressed in robot costumes is a lot easier than failing on stage as one person in a robot costume.

Speaker 1 And it's like, oh, you like it? Great. And if you like it, then I am, I feel good, right? And then, and that's, and I feel like that's.
And by the way, this is how cults thrive.

Speaker 1 I do have seven wives now, and they're very funny and we all have a grip.

Speaker 1 But yeah, like, I think, you know, and I don't know. But it is, but it is, you're exactly right.
This is, if you're on stage alone in a robot costume, you are an asshole or insane.

Speaker 1 If you're up there with Julie, wow, bold take.

Speaker 1 If you're up there

Speaker 1 with three of your friends

Speaker 1 and you're all dressed as robots,

Speaker 1 you're in the best situation you can have in this world.

Speaker 1 By the way, you're reminding me of one of my epic failures, which was

Speaker 1 we were asked to do the show Stella. And in New York City, Stella was this like offshoot of what the state was.
It was Michael Ian Black,

Speaker 1 David Wayne, and Michael Showalter. And it was like the most popular comedy show in New York.
You'd see the biggest stand-ups get there. It was like a modern Marx Brothers.
I loved it.

Speaker 1 Yes, it was this amazing show. And we got asked, our improv/slash sketch group, Respecto Montobon, got asked to

Speaker 1 perform at this. You really did not want an audience.

Speaker 1 High barrier of entry.

Speaker 1 Respecto Montobon.

Speaker 1 First, acknowledge, do you get why it's funny that that's our name before you can enter the theater?

Speaker 1 We got asked to do a bit at the show and we were like, this is a big deal.

Speaker 1 And so, of course, instead of doing a bit that we were sure of, we're like, we got to come up with a new bit that no one's ever seen, essentially testing out a bit for the first time ever in front of the biggest people ever.

Speaker 1 And we decided we were going to be the Blue Man Group. So we painted our faces blue.
We're in these costumes.

Speaker 1 And the whole idea was that we're we're doing our Blue Man group bit and one audience member isn't laughing at us. And then we're like upset with that audience member.

Speaker 1 And that audience member is a plant. And we take her and we bring her backstage.
And you hear some yelling.

Speaker 1 And as we're backstage, it cuts to a video clip. And it's us like killing her or like she accidentally falls on a pipe.
She gets it through. She dies.
And then we don't know what to do.

Speaker 1 We have blood all over our blue faces. And we come on out.
The video machine did not work. Oh, no, so we go backstage and we're like, Do you hear? I don't hear anything.
Do you hear anything?

Speaker 1 Like, we don't hear anything. And we're rubbing blood all over our face, and we're getting all ready.
And then we hear, uh,

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 projector doesn't work. And now we're blue and bloody, and we have no way to connect like from where the audience had seen us on stage to what the video is supposed to cover.

Speaker 1 And we can't talk because we're blue man group. And we,

Speaker 1 I forgot.

Speaker 1 You can't do a meta thing where you explain those no we were like we are blue man group we're doing this bit

Speaker 1 and so and then but all of us were like we can't again we're can't break character so we walk out covered in blood and blue we just walked off stage and we just said thank you and then to to complete an utter silence audience did not know what happened And we were crushed.

Speaker 1 But I remember like once we left that place, which we did immediately, you have to leave if you bomb in a place. You can never go back.
And in fact, you have to have the place burned down.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we were like, Arsene, we need to commit ours. Yeah, we need to commit arsen here to.
The actual blue man group was shut down after that.

Speaker 1 We got to find that. They had to shut her for three years.
But I will never forget the feeling of sitting in a bar

Speaker 1 with mostly blue and blood. We haven't been able to clear it out of our faces, sitting and drinking beers with these other people who are also like that.

Speaker 1 Just being like, well, at least it all went down together.

Speaker 1 As temperatures around the U.S.

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Speaker 1 You know, I've been to Scottsdale. Yeah.
And you know what's nice? Huh. When it gets really cold in other parts of the country, Scottsdale is the last place to get chilly, you know?

Speaker 1 You walk around, you can really enjoy

Speaker 1 those Lux dining concepts, which I mentioned before.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you really did. It sounds like you're just rereading what you said before.

Speaker 1 And just those great stores. They have great stores.

Speaker 2 And I know you love to golf. Did you know they have a lot of golf courses?

Speaker 1 When I'm not golfing, I'm miserable. You know that about me.
I like getting the old mashy out and driving one 900 miles down the fairway.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

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Why do they always say an unexpected vet bill?

Speaker 1 There are expected vet bills. Well, I got my golden retriever a facelift.
We talked about it for a year.

Speaker 1 He was very unhappy. He wasn't doing well on social media.
So we had a little to nip and tuck. Yeah, it was a good time.

Speaker 1 No, I've never had that.

Speaker 2 It was a good time?

Speaker 1 I never did that.

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Speaker 1 It's so funny that you bring that up, that world of bombing with an idea that you were in love with.

Speaker 1 And I have to say, There's the sting of bombing, but later, especially if you did it with other people, it can be one of the funniest things in the world. It's such a funny memory.

Speaker 1 And being on stage, on camera, doing a national show with an insane idea, and it didn't land. And I know that people were welding last night to build, to help make this work.

Speaker 1 There was actual, you know, unions were involved. Engineers, unions, people had drawn plans and you're there.
And then, well, I guess, you know, I guess whatever Hercules toilet was pretty mad

Speaker 1 and people are like

Speaker 1 and I have to say there was always part of me that was secretly delighted it's it's there's a show that goes on inside your own soul right that's maybe the funniest show of all but but then you have to continue to stay on stage because most people bomb and it's like okay next and you have to be like all right we're back and you did you so i mean i imagine your tolerance for like you have to like digest it and then let it go.

Speaker 1 No, there's no tolerance. I have very low tolerance to this day.
It's just I might be a masochist, meaning it hurts a lot.

Speaker 1 And I didn't, I still don't brush things like that off easily.

Speaker 1 If something doesn't go well, or even if a small thing doesn't go well, I try to pass it off as, well, come, you know, the audience got the show they got or that's what happened. Right.

Speaker 1 But then I walk around for a week as if I've been shot. But that's like a 22.
No, no, no, no. Just a little shrapnel.

Speaker 1 I had a

Speaker 1 bit that,

Speaker 1 oh, I look back on it now, but it was the worst bit. Seth Myers is hosting the Espies.
Yep. All right.
So I have to put it in a little bit of context. During that year of the Espies,

Speaker 1 there was a riot that broke out after the NHL championship, and it was in Canada. And there was this very famous image of a guy cradling a woman, and it looked like he was kissing her.

Speaker 1 Oh, I remember that. Remember that? Yeah, so it was like, it was, it looked almost like that World War II photo of like the, you know, the, the officer in the street.
The Vijay did. Yeah.
And so,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 so they're kissing in the middle of a riot. And Seth was like, okay, well, we'll do that bit.
Like, this is going to be, we have so many famous people in the crowd.

Speaker 1 You know, there's Gronk, there's this guy. And oh, we have the kissing couple from the riot.
And so it was supposed to cut to me and Lennon Parham. Lennon's great comedian.

Speaker 1 And we as it cuts us we're just kissing right so now as i explained that bit to you years later that's how familiar the audience was with this bit so

Speaker 1 we start kissing

Speaker 1 so they didn't know the reference didn't know the reference at all they didn't show an image they didn't do anything they just said it now we're now i'm sitting next to uh brooklyn decker jonah hill and i feel like dwight howard you know like like we're in this like grouping of people and, you know, cuts us dead silent.

Speaker 1 We're just making out, making out dead silence. Now, the bit is

Speaker 1 contracted to happen three more times throughout the show.

Speaker 1 And so I go, well, they're clearly going to cut the bit coming back. No, they didn't cut the bit.
And every

Speaker 1 single time it died. Almost like then the audience got mad.
The second time it was like, they're doing this again? We didn't like, we didn't like this.

Speaker 1 We voted on this. Yeah, yeah.
This was. No, no, he is not your return to office.
Yeah, yeah. And so like, then like the third time we're doing it again, now the audience is angry at us.

Speaker 1 And I will never forget this moment.

Speaker 1 We had worked our way from the seats all the way to the stage. It was the final act of the show.
Seth killing it. Everything working except for this bit.

Speaker 1 And we're like, I was going out there with Leno. I'm like, okay, we got to do this one more time.
And this is great. I'm watching Twitter just be like, this bit sucks.
These guys suck.

Speaker 1 You know, it's like, oh, no.

Speaker 1 And we kiss, kiss, it gets nothing. And I walk off.
And there's Jay Leno just standing off to the side of the stage, denim on top, denim on bottom. And he goes, meh, yeah, didn't work.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh, what's

Speaker 1 happening?

Speaker 1 Like, if

Speaker 1 like, that was the end. I was like, yeah, it didn't work.
It didn't work.

Speaker 1 Like, I know it didn't work, but be told, like, Jay Leno, like, eh, yeah. It was like, it was.
It was a mortifying experience. I never walked with my head so low.

Speaker 2 Oh, my god and a sports audience too I feel like they're even worse right

Speaker 1 aren't they hard oh but you know not as hard as Leno yeah

Speaker 1 look

Speaker 1 these he's shown him to be has shown himself to be very supportive that's the important

Speaker 1 he does that too he hangs outside operating rooms

Speaker 1 and when there's patient flat lines he goes didn't work

Speaker 1 and the woman's crying that's my husband of 35 years hot stuff

Speaker 1 do an a live show on Sunday.

Speaker 1 I'll be at the cost show. He wasn't even performing at the Esps.
He was just there.

Speaker 1 We couldn't save your son.

Speaker 1 It didn't work.

Speaker 1 So anyway, let's not get distracted or off on a tangent. Sorry.
Humans are good.

Speaker 1 One of the funniest things, though, I don't know if it was the Espes or what, but it might have been the Espies, was

Speaker 1 Will. I think it was Will Farrell came out as Harry Carey.
Have you ever seen this footage?

Speaker 1 He comes out as the Chicago announcer Harry Carey, who's got like a big way of talking kind of like this with big fake teeth.

Speaker 1 And Harry Carey is just slamming different, doing jokes on different people,

Speaker 1 famous athletes in the audience, and they are not laughing and they're insulted. And it's the funniest thing.
It's great.

Speaker 1 It's great because, I mean, it's just like watching snuff or something, but I'm enjoying Excuse me.

Speaker 1 How do you know? Am I right out there? Which was it? Was it Jim?

Speaker 1 1998 Espes. It was Will Farrell's Harry Carey.
Yeah, Will Farrell's Harry Carey.

Speaker 1 And I think he's saying things like, you know, you know, John Elway saved a lot of money because he still didn't get his teeth fixed. And they'll cut to John Elway just staring.
And I love it.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 I apologize that people had a bad time that night, but I think it's wonderful. I mean, it is.
You look at me like I'm a horrible person, but it's something.

Speaker 2 Maybe you don't like bombing, but you laugh at other people bombing?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, I'm not. You're missing the point.
I love what Will is doing. I am pro-Will.

Speaker 1 It's really funny to me. And I think even if I was doing that and people were angry, I think I'd be laughing inside.
I'd be falling apart. You'll appreciate this note.
Norm McDonald hosted that.

Speaker 1 Yes, Norm McDonald hosted it, which is perfect. Yes, I knew Norm.
That's right. I knew that.
Norm did that bit for one of the roasts where he just did old roast jokes that were like 1950s stuff.

Speaker 1 And it was like, in a bombed in a room, it's one of the favorite things. No, and that's the thing, too, is there's bombing can be divine.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So you, you've taken this love you have for sometimes niche ideas

Speaker 1 that could only exist if a certain kind of show is around.

Speaker 1 But now the world, I think, has grown with you. where you can do these podcasts and you do these other projects that are phenomenally successful and you don't have to make any kind of concession.

Speaker 1 The stuff that's in your head can be presented without any kind of filter. And it's like, how did this get made? Is you

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 your wife and Menzoukas getting to do your thing? It's hanging out and just doing bits with friends. And I think you're right.
Like this idea of getting to just make your own

Speaker 1 thing

Speaker 1 and playing to a niche audience. And, you know, and like, and I think you can play to big audiences too, but like just being able to have an outlet where people like seeing the seams.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, if that makes sense.

Speaker 1 I did this show with Rob Hubel called The Dark Web. Yeah.
And

Speaker 1 we are now in a world where we've pretended that our studio has burnt to the ground. We've only been eating mustard and raw hot dogs.

Speaker 1 And now we have envisioned ourselves as hosts of a kids' YouTube show. And we've actually made like a, it will only be on kids' YouTube now.
Like we got it approved by YouTube.

Speaker 1 Like I'm like, and do any research on you? Like we were, we were literally always full circle back to the robot show.

Speaker 1 100%. Like we did a full kid show and YouTube has like been very supportive, but like you just can't associate it with the other thing.
But it's like, yeah, we just get to go down this weird path.

Speaker 1 And I don't know. I mean, it's for,

Speaker 1 I guess the idea is like, you're not making it for anyone, but you're making it for the, that you think it's funny.

Speaker 1 And I feel like it's so hard because people will tell you a million times, like, oh, that doesn't work. I remember one person

Speaker 1 when I was doing a sketch show for fox they were like oh that that's not funny and that's a hard note to get because it's the only thing that you well it could be funny to me it's not funny to you it's like there's no one baseline of funny no one ever says like that's not dramatic it's like well yeah like it's like you know dramas don't get judged the same way comedy is doing it weird if they just put i don't think that's funny right that saves that's that makes them much more human to me and then at least we can have a conversation yeah and i don't think everybody needs to find everything funny Like, you know, it's like you look at certain comedians.

Speaker 1 They'll sell out an arena and it's like, that may not be my cup of tea, but clearly it's working. I don't think that they're not funny.
It's just like, it's not for me. Right.

Speaker 1 But then you also get to, I think when you get those bigger things through, it's insane. I did a thing for Adult Swim.
Mike Lazzo used to let us make 3 a.m. infomercials.

Speaker 1 And he's like, whatever, as long as you just, like, it's got to be weird. And so I was like, I said to him, I was like, I want to make one where it's just like a hotel TV.

Speaker 1 Like it it just looks like you're in a hotel room and this is like an ad for the hotel that you're in. And he's like, all right.
And we got Ray Wise to host this thing.

Speaker 1 It was a hotel that was clearly built on Native American land and they have come back to haunt this hotel and they're and it like and their transmission is getting like altered throughout it and they're being told like to leave the hotel and and he's very like very much like steve win like come in here and you'll get a massage and you'll die

Speaker 1 here

Speaker 1 you know and i was like and we could make a 15 minute long yeah thing for i mean whoever's up at 3 a.m well that was too the magic of when you mentioned 3 a.m the magic of making things and people will find it or they won't right that's kind of a magic thing we were on at 12 30 and till 1 30.

Speaker 1 and i just always think that time slot helped us a lot. Right.
Because there was no internet. People were seeing it and often thinking, is this really happening? Or am I just, you know? Right.

Speaker 1 It's sort of like you're getting a mentality. Like, I used to love doing like these 11 p.m.
shows because anyone who comes out for an 11 p.m.

Speaker 1 show is up for something completely different than people coming out for a 7.30 or an 8 o'clock show. Right.
And it's like, if you're up at 12.30, you're down to, you're down to go late.

Speaker 1 I had a different way of thinking of it, which is it's your fault.

Speaker 1 If you're up at 12.30,

Speaker 1 you are complicit in this crime. And get ready for some apes on a beach

Speaker 1 Because you should be sleeping. You creep.

Speaker 1 So on the show, How Did This Get Made, which I did once, and I think we did How Did This

Speaker 1 Look Who's Talking 2? Yes. I think it was the second one.
Yes. 200.

Speaker 1 Or T O O, sorry. That was crazy.
What you just did.

Speaker 1 That was queerly insane.

Speaker 1 This man's having a seizure.

Speaker 1 But that feels like it would be the gift that just keeps on giving.

Speaker 1 The podcast

Speaker 1 is massively successful. There's no shortage of movies where you would say, how did this get made? And they keep making more of them.

Speaker 1 Well, I think that that's the thing that we've loved is you know that everything gets started with the best intentions. Any movie that I've been on, it's like, oh, this is going to be good.

Speaker 1 This is going to be, you know, we don't see it, but it's going to be good. You know, it's like, no one goes in being like, this is a stinker.
I think sometimes they do.

Speaker 1 But mostly not. Mostly not.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so you go into it and you're like, you're, you know, and I think what's so funny is that we try to look at it from that point of view, like, well, this, this was the best of all.

Speaker 1 You know, everyone's trying to make something here. And then all of a sudden your budget gets slashed and you just get ripped apart.

Speaker 1 And when we watch these shows, like Jason takes Manhattan, that's Friday the 13th, part eight. Yeah.
He is in Manhattan for five minutes. Yeah.
Okay. And it's Canada.
And it's Canada. All right.

Speaker 1 Walk me through this movie.

Speaker 1 I don't know this movie. So take me through it.
And Matt, jump in. This is your terrain.

Speaker 1 It's Friday the 13th, part 8. Jason takes Manhattan.
Okay. It is taking place primarily on a senior cruise as they leave Crystal Lake, which I guess connects.

Speaker 1 That's the big mystery is how Crystal Lake suddenly connects to the Hudson River. Yes.
And they're on a two-night cruise to get to New York. So it's a cruise that goes from a lake in Canada, maybe?

Speaker 1 From New Jersey. From New Jersey, technically.

Speaker 1 And everyone loves a cruise that starts in a lake in New Jersey and makes its way probably partially partially over land. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And gets to Manhattan. Yeah, everyone else.
Oh, the Werner Herzog movie.

Speaker 1 And it's not a attractive cruise under. It's a barge.
It does look like a barge. It's very much the ship they could get for the movie.
Yes.

Speaker 1 And do they try and make this ship look like something that people would want to try is a charitable word. Yeah, they got to see this.
Because it's like an engine room they go into at one point. Yes,

Speaker 1 they also have a disco, which which is very small, but is the most unappealing disco. It's like a disco in an old age home.
That's what it kind of feels like.

Speaker 1 It feels like, you know, like, and they also are trying not to make it too, uh, too violent. So all the deaths are very, like, just push-you.
Except the one guy gets his head punched off. Yes.

Speaker 1 A boxer. Punched off? Punched off by Jason.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 Jason takes on a boxer. And the boxer's trying to box him.
Yeah, the boxers. That's actually, I would argue, the funniest part of the film.
I have a soft spot for this movie, yeah.

Speaker 1 There are some good moments in it, there's a lot of cocaine within the characters in the film, like they're on cocaine, so their reactions to Jason are odd as well.

Speaker 1 They're a little bit more ready to fight this man, right? Um, they're old people, did you say they're old people?

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, this is the weird thing about 80s movies: everyone who is in high school looks about 35, yeah, and they might actually be young.

Speaker 1 I don't know, aging has changed in a way, uh, yeah, but the

Speaker 1 it actually has.

Speaker 1 It has.

Speaker 1 You look at a movie and like a gnarled old Humphrey Bogart, I'll be like, I'll tell you something, kid, and you really see it. You'll look it up and he was 34.
Yeah. What was that like?

Speaker 1 Wilford Brimley and Cocoon was only like 49. 48.
No, he's much younger than they put it. They put a picture up of Wilford Brimley from.

Speaker 1 cocoon or the natural and they'll say he's like eight years younger than Paul Rudd. Yes.
And in the picture of Paul Rudd, he looks like, oh, he's a he looks like a scoop of sherbet. He's delicious.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, I always think about like Lethal Weapon. Danny Glover's character is like, I'm too old for this shit.
He was 42.

Speaker 1 You know, it's like, wow, all right. Like, and he's like, he's the old man.
I think we live in an era where no one, we don't really grow up. We didn't go off and fight World War II.
Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 We didn't start smoking when we were 15. We didn't have to, we didn't get shot at.
We did live a hard life.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we then didn't, you know, drink ourselves into oblivion every night after our soul-crushing job. We are on let's improvise!

Speaker 1 Let's get on stage and be robots, yeah. Let's be robots on stage, but first, my smoothie, yay!

Speaker 1 How much time? $15 for a smoothie? What a bargain! What a bargain! It is a bargain. Well, time to get into my little electric car and go home.

Speaker 1 Nine hours of sleep.

Speaker 1 Where's my app?

Speaker 1 I can't believe I can't find one. Oh, there it is.

Speaker 1 That's the whole world now. It is.
It's weird. And I'm not doing the old man thing.
I'm that guy. No, I mean, look, I did something weird.
We have a trick-or-trunk at my kids' school where you can

Speaker 1 decorate your trunk like a haunted house.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Anything that involves kids in the trunk of your car

Speaker 1 is in a hurry. Get in there.

Speaker 1 It's a little thing we do with kids and trunks. I was told

Speaker 1 a trick-or-trunk?

Speaker 1 Oh, I i was calling a trunk or treat oh okay i call it kidnapping we all have our we all have our different fun names for it i i did get in trouble uh one year for my trunk or treat which was uh i thought this would be a really funny idea and and do it you do need to explain what trunk is because i still don't know what it is it sounds creepy so basically what uh it is is uh on halloween day uh it's a chance for the kids at a school probably up to like sixth grade to trick-or-treat with their classmates all the parents come they pop their trunk they decorate their trunks in different ways.

Speaker 1 So, you know, like one person has a Star Wars trunk, one person has, you know, my little pony trunk of it, whatever it is. And it's cute.

Speaker 1 The kids go around from trunk to trunk, and it's a little bit of a Halloween parade. I never knew about it.
It didn't happen to me when I was a kid. It didn't exist.
No, it didn't exist. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So this is like a special thing. It's kind of great to go to school and do it.
I volunteer every year. I love doing it.

Speaker 1 And in the beginning, I was like, well, part of it is supposed to be scary, right?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 no, the answer is no. These are for young children.
They should not be scary for them. I learned that to be a lot of fun.

Speaker 1 And so I

Speaker 1 thought it would be funny.

Speaker 1 The theme of your life seems to be I didn't get the memo.

Speaker 1 What I didn't know

Speaker 1 that these little preschoolers didn't need to be scared. Now, I thought it would be funny that I set up a San Diego zoo.
And the way I set up the zoo is I got like some stanchions.

Speaker 1 I got a zoo uniform. And I also got a gorilla costume.
Now,

Speaker 1 you mean you stole our gorilla? I took it. I kept it.
I was like, one day.

Speaker 1 And I thought it would be funny to take my brother-in-law, strip him down to his underwear and

Speaker 1 undershirt, put him in the back of my car as if he was in a cage. And then me as the ape put on the San Diego Zoo uniform.
And I was like waving the kids over.

Speaker 1 So you're making social commentary as well for preschoolers.

Speaker 1 So my brother-in-law is trapped in a cage. I'm like, help, help.
And I'm like, hey, check out, here he is. And kids were scared of the ape who had kidnapped a human.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did they cry? There was a few kids that were very afraid to come to my truck.

Speaker 1 And they had to be, he's okay. He's okay.
But we did mess up my brother-in-law's face so he looked like he had been in a fight with me as well.

Speaker 1 You still didn't learn yet. So you bloodied him.
Yeah, as you did backstage with the taped piece. If you can't scare kids on Halloween, then what can you do?

Speaker 1 You stripped his clothes off. Well, you know, and then like

Speaker 1 terrify a three-year-old. What kind of country do we have?

Speaker 1 My son now always will say to me, he's like, you can't make it scary. Don't make it scary again.

Speaker 1 Like, I guess he had gotten some flack from other kids in the school that I went too hard on the trunk or tree. So what are you doing this year? This year, I'm keeping it simple.
It's an alien theme.

Speaker 1 Like the movie alien? No, no.

Speaker 1 An alien is going to be popping out of my car, and I am somebody who works at Area 51, but I got one of those inflatable costumes. So the alien is grabbing me.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, my hands are like, no, no, no, you're in it. You did it again.
You're in it again. You did it again.

Speaker 1 I don't know if that's going to help. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I'm covered in acid and my face is melting.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Okay.
Well,

Speaker 1 anyway,

Speaker 1 Jason Part A, you should watch it. I think you would like it.
We should bring it. Jason takes Manhattan.
Yes.

Speaker 1 They do. They shoot about three minutes of B-roll in New York and the rest is Vancouver.
Okay, one of my personal favorites, and we may have discussed this, but the Death Wish movies are fantastic.

Speaker 1 But the further you go, the later you get in the canon of

Speaker 1 Death Wishes. Canon films.
Yeah, the more insane it gets.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 there's one, I don't remember which Death Wish it is, but I watched it with our writer, Matt O'Brien. And I just was, the whole time I was in heaven, we were watching it together.

Speaker 1 And a bunch of old people live in an apartment complex,

Speaker 1 whatever. They hear a lot of yelling and shouting and noise, and they look out the window.
And a motorcycle gang has taken over the neighborhood and they've surrounded the apartment building.

Speaker 1 And the old people are trapped inside. And one of them, they're terrified and they don't want to go out.
They don't know what to do. They're trapped.
They're old. They're scared.

Speaker 1 And they pick up the phone, they make a phone call, and then cut to JFK airport. A plane lands.
Charles Bronson gets out.

Speaker 1 No, actually, I think specifically he rides the bus.

Speaker 1 It was so low budget.

Speaker 1 Also, the movie was so low budget, they didn't even want to pay for plane landing footage. So he gets off a bus at the Port Authority.
And it's Manhattan. He gets in.

Speaker 1 He's in the 30s.

Speaker 1 He gets into a cab. He starts driving.
He starts driving north. And suddenly, and the cab's driving along, and then they cut.

Speaker 1 And suddenly the cab, it's still supposed to be in Manhattan, like up north in Manhattan, like 150th Street. But I think they're now shooting on a soundstage or they're in Syria.

Speaker 1 And Britain had a contract thing where he wouldn't leave California. He would leave California.
Because his wife was there. Okay, thank you.

Speaker 1 Thank God you're here because I swear to God, it switches to a completely different ecosystem, an arid desert that exists. And there's some fragments of a sidewalk.

Speaker 1 And then Charles Bronson shows up and his solution, he meets with the old people and has tea. And then he decides, don't worry, I'll help you.
And so he has a concealed,

Speaker 1 you know, magnum and he walks around killing them.

Speaker 1 It's insane. It's so brutal.
And he lacks the charm of like Liam Neeson. Like when Liam Neeson's like fighting off 15 people, it's like, it's like, he's got something.

Speaker 1 Charles Bronson just is like, I'm going to shoot this guy's head off. That's like, it's like, and it's, it's, it's violent.

Speaker 1 By the way, speaking of insane ideas, there's a show I just saw here in Los Angeles, a comedy theater called Bronson Tonight. And it's Charles Bronson hosting a show as his Death Wish character.

Speaker 1 Is the impression good? It's great. Oh, well.
And his monologue jokes are, you know,

Speaker 1 they're labored, but they're stories about, you know, running into these gangs of toughs out in the street. But he's trying his best to host a very traditional talk show.

Speaker 1 He had an animal person on the show, and he's interviewing karate people. But it's like, it's no, it's, it's a great, it's, it really scratched the niche that I needed to be scratched to watch that.

Speaker 1 Dana Gould, who's absolutely hilarious, does, oh, yeah, he does Dr. Zayas as a talk show host.
So funny. And it's, and it is note perfect.

Speaker 1 And what I love about the kind of comedy we're talking about and the kind of comedy that you've dedicated your life to, and wrongly, I think, of course, very wrongly.

Speaker 1 Is you come up with a premise and it's just a big horse pill and you get them to swallow it and then you're you're good right so dr zayus has a talk show charles bronson has a late-night talk show conan o'brien has a talk show

Speaker 1 no it really is the same idea which is um

Speaker 1 uh someone who shouldn't have a show has a show but we i think people comedy tastes have uh I don't want to say that they've evolved, but they maybe have de-evolved or devolved

Speaker 1 to the point where there's all this kind of attenuated, really cool,

Speaker 1 concept-heavy comedy that people will turn out for and they'll watch. And then there are shows like Bojack Horseman, you know, or really South Park.

Speaker 1 I mean, to think that South Park is one of the most influential shows. It's been on for 30 years.

Speaker 1 I mean, do you remember when that, like, I remember getting like a wave file of just like the Christmas card? Cause it started off as a Christmas card. I got a pass-along VHS tape.
Okay, yeah.

Speaker 1 So it was like, that was like, and it was a comedy currency.

Speaker 1 And I mean, that even started for me, you know, for lack of a better, or I mean, the jerky boys was like the tape that everyone passed around. And you'd be like, oh, have you heard it? Have you heard?

Speaker 1 And then it became a movie. And I remember thinking, how could this be a movie? And then I watched it and I thought, it can't be a movie.
No way.

Speaker 1 I just answered my own question.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 that kind of thing is really interesting, the way that people find each other. You want to like share.
But it's fascinating now that whatever we're doing here, we're not trying to please anyone.

Speaker 1 We're just, I think, enjoying each other's company and talking to people and going off on weird tangents.

Speaker 1 I'm only bringing it up because I do think things have changed drastically from the way they were 20, 30 years ago.

Speaker 1 I think it's like important to be able to explore anything because anything can be a good idea or a bad idea. It's all in the execution of it, right?

Speaker 1 Like because it's like you may hear something like, be like, ooh, that will never ever work. But I think so many people are in this business.

Speaker 1 Before there's like this gatekeeping of like, you can't, no, no, no one will ever like that. But if you can actually execute it your own way and show people, no, actually, it works, then I don't know.

Speaker 1 That's, that's what I think performing on stage, right? I love performing on stage is like, no one can say no to that. And no one can say no to making a video.

Speaker 1 No one can say no to us making a show for YouTube kids, you know, if we wanted to do it. And I think that someone should.
Someone should. I mean, technically, we will be arrested.

Speaker 1 We will be arrested for it. Someone should intervene.

Speaker 1 But I think that that's like, it's, you know, because it's hard to sometimes explain that nuance, like why that would work, why that's information. Well, a bunch of this you can't explain.

Speaker 1 You just have to do it. And the proof is in the pudding.
You just have to, you do it. And then people go, people are laughing.
Right. And they immediately accept.
Oh, that was great.

Speaker 1 I always knew that would work. Right, exactly.
And that's why I would be terrified to be an executive.

Speaker 1 If someone said, hey, Conan, you've been in comedy a long time and why don't you, we'll give you this job at, you know, Paramount or Warner Brothers, and you'll look at things and tell us if they'll be successful or not.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Well, it looks like a funny idea to me.
There's a great thing that gets passed around every now and then. Paul Thomas Anderson's Boogie Nights.
It's script coverage of Boogie Nights.

Speaker 1 And it's like, this movie is terrible. The characters are awful.
It's too long. And it's like this long thing written by a studio person about why they were passing.
on this script.

Speaker 1 And it's the script that he shot. And you have to look at it and be like, oh, yeah, some not everyone's gonna see what if they found out that the guy who wrote the coverage had a small penis

Speaker 1 and it was all just it was all just rage

Speaker 1 this is terrible how no one could have a penis over two inches what is this science fiction

Speaker 1 what is that he has a third leg i don't think so penises are tiny and they don't get bigger when you're attracted to something

Speaker 1 and you go to doctors and they can't do a thing. Awful.

Speaker 1 That's all in there.

Speaker 1 What movies did he?

Speaker 1 What movies did you like? I liked the tales of Little Wee Wee.

Speaker 1 This amiable chap

Speaker 1 with a one-inch pee-pee

Speaker 1 nails seven broads in one night because that's the way ladies like it. Oh my god.

Speaker 1 All right, I should wrap this up. But let's get that made.
I'm ready to make the dance.

Speaker 1 Paul, thank you so much for stopping in. You're hilarious.
And

Speaker 1 it was a lucky day when our paths crossed. And I'm just very happy that you are wildly successful with all these really funny projects.

Speaker 1 And I say onward, go onward. Well, this is one of my favorite shows to listen to, and you're just the best.

Speaker 1 And, you know, talking about comedy, I just want to say that your travel show is truly like, I think, this, like, one of the things that makes me laugh so hard about it. It's good.
Oh, thanks.

Speaker 1 It to me is like this. Yes, you're amazing in this, you're hilarious, but that, like, it feels like you get to do this awesome sketch show that's like globetrotting that you don't ever get to see.

Speaker 1 You know what? There are times where it's really hard, and I'm in a van. Yeah.
And you're in a hot tropical climate, and you're thinking, I'm getting, I'm no spring chicken.

Speaker 1 I'm still in a van and someone's telling me, okay, jump out here in this toga and tackle that guy over there who doesn't know you and somehow make it funny. But it's also,

Speaker 1 yeah, I'm constantly stepping outside my body and going, what are you doing? But I really love it. And I mostly love

Speaker 1 it's improv with people in other lands who often don't know who I am. Right.
And they don't even really speak English. But my

Speaker 1 happiest moments are when if I can make a little kid laugh or someone who doesn't know who I am and doesn't speak English laugh because we're doing something pretty primal, then I'm happy.

Speaker 1 It's just cool to know that as much as you like.

Speaker 1 I have a lot of respect for people who still get up and try to do, like, and do it. Like, you're doing like, you don't have to be traveling all around the world.
Well, I do financially.

Speaker 1 They didn't tell you on the way in. I'm a terrible gambler.
Oh, man. I made so many bets on this episode, even.
I don't even know.

Speaker 1 gonna. I bet a two million dollars that Paul will come in wearing a tank top.
No! Oh, man.

Speaker 1 Fan duel presents going to needs a friend

Speaker 1 over on under and when it ends in second? Okay.

Speaker 1 I had to give

Speaker 1 money here, too.

Speaker 1 And then I'm arrested because I clearly control when it ends.

Speaker 1 Okay, Paul. No, Paul, tell me that's right.
No, wait, don't tell me. It's all our advice.

Speaker 1 This message is brought to you by Square. Your favorite neighborhood spot runs on Square.
You've noticed these products, right? You go into a store, it looks like it's a pop-up or something.

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That's what I call them. Doodads.

Speaker 1 You can go to square.com slash go slash Conan to learn more. But before you do, go support your favorite neighborhood spot.
You'll be happy you did. Square, I'll see you in the neighborhood.

Speaker 1 This is an ad by BetterHelp. It's that time of year.
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Speaker 1 That's better, H-E-L-P dot com slash Conan.

Speaker 1 Not long ago on an episode, we were talking about how Sona was going to be a featured speaker and QA subject on a panel for an assistance convention. And I think we want to follow up on

Speaker 1 how did the How did it go? The assistance convention.

Speaker 2 Here's the thing. If you are going to go to like a summit or a convention, go to one that assistance run because anything you need is like within arm's reach.

Speaker 1 Oh, my bet.

Speaker 2 They think of everything that you might need. I was like, at one point, I was like, I think I have something in my tooth.
And I turned around and there was just dental floss.

Speaker 1 Oh, I thought you were going to say there's an extra tooth. Oh, you thought, you thought I was just going to take a tooth? That's how good these assistants are.

Speaker 1 There's a slight gap between my molar and my incisor. I mean, here's a tooth.
Yeah. Well, I'm just curious.
Okay, let's set the table. Yes.
This was a convention that you were invited to speak at.

Speaker 1 Yes. An assistants convention.
And it's run by assistants.

Speaker 2 Yes. So the person who, I mean, I don't know how much she wants me to give away, but the person who started the organization used to work for Dick Costelo, who started Twitter.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 2 And so it's all very tech heavy. They all work for like founders or CEOs or CTOs of like tech companies.
The people they assist are like real people as opposed to like.

Speaker 1 Some late night clown.

Speaker 1 No, you can say it.

Speaker 2 It's just,

Speaker 2 I feel like the stakes for them are really high because they're like massive billion-dollar corporations that their bosses are.

Speaker 1 So what did they ask you? And what did you say?

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, I really do think it felt like I was like a party clown they hired.

Speaker 1 Isn't this cute?

Speaker 2 To give some levity to it. I really do think that's what I was there for.
It was a really good thing.

Speaker 1 Because no one wants to hear you say, well, here are the 10 rules about being a good assistant. No one wants to hear that from you.
What? What do you like to do?

Speaker 1 I would like to hear that. What are the 10 rules about being a good assistant?

Speaker 2 Give them enough material to riff off of. Yeah.

Speaker 1 If your boss has one glass of wine, you have three

Speaker 1 on his dime.

Speaker 1 Make reservations in his name and then bring your dog to the restaurant. Okay.
And you know that they won't toss you out.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Look for restaurants with at least four dollar signs next to them because you know he's going to be putting it on the car and you're not paying for it.

Speaker 2 I just, I had

Speaker 2 a lot of fun. It was beautifully organized.
laughs. I got good laughs.
I told like some really solid stories from our time working together.

Speaker 2 And it was, they loved it. There's a lot of people who love you.
They love you.

Speaker 1 I love this convention. Yeah.
Other than they wouldn't let me come speak.

Speaker 2 Why do you have to overshadow me?

Speaker 1 You're right.

Speaker 2 I mean, you're not an assistant. Why would you be there?

Speaker 1 You know what? They did invite me first, and I said, why don't you let Sona have a little bit of a story? And Sona invited me too. Isn't that weird? No, they invited you first.
You said no.

Speaker 1 I said, I want, and and then I gave it to you.

Speaker 2 It was perfectly organized. Great, great people.
I really had a really fun time. It was awesome.

Speaker 1 Now, while you were doing it, were you thinking, I could do more of these? Yes, I want to do it. But I talked to you about this.
This is an avenue for you.

Speaker 1 And I like you to prosper. Yeah.
Not too much, but I like you to get ahead in the world. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I think about my godchildren, your two kids. I want them to be able to go to college and stuff.
So this is a

Speaker 1 money.

Speaker 2 I mean, yeah, I know what you mean, but you made it sound like I can't do that now and I need to.

Speaker 1 You spend so much on gummies. I spent, you know what? You make, you're, you're making a joke.
I'm not making a joke. But I spent a while.
How much do I spend on gummies?

Speaker 1 I love that you're whispering into a very expensive microphone.

Speaker 2 At least like $250 every time I order.

Speaker 1 How often do you order a daily? Like,

Speaker 2 daily?

Speaker 2 You think I buy $250? There's no gummies in

Speaker 1 the conventions.

Speaker 2 Oh my God.

Speaker 1 Okay. So you, how much are you ingesting? Do you have one a night? Do you have two a night?

Speaker 2 No, no. I do like a, like a one, maybe five if I'm feeling crazy, a 10 milligram at night after the boys sleep.

Speaker 1 Just say 10 mil, yeah. So you don't say mil 250 every two weeks or

Speaker 2 maybe even longer than that. Like, you know, it's like, it's like maybe a monthly expense is 200 to 250 to 300 on gummies.

Speaker 1 I mean, in a situation where we're talking $3,600 a year on gummies. Why'd you do that? I'm just, as your accountant, now she needs another gummy to come down.

Speaker 1 She's feeling anxious.

Speaker 2 I'm not saying I should do speaking engagements just to pay for my gummies. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. But also, I'm saying you, you have a big life.
You know, you like the good things in life and you're going to want more. This is an avenue for you.
And

Speaker 1 you could be right up.

Speaker 1 front about it when you give to speaking engagements like this is paying for my gummies yeah that's true i thought about it but then i don't want to do like you know like exxon Exxon.

Speaker 1 I don't want to go. They don't want me to.
That's what they pay. Oh,

Speaker 1 that's a lot of money. I bet it is.
No, I've had, I started out with principles and then

Speaker 1 I was like,

Speaker 1 I was on stage like, yeah, you guys make the landmines.

Speaker 1 You don't have to tell us you're doing a podcast for America. Keep America moving, you know? Oh, no.
No, I don't do that. You should do gummy conventions.

Speaker 2 Do you think they have them?

Speaker 1 I bet. They have assistance conventions.

Speaker 2 Well, I know, but those they

Speaker 1 know how to put it. No one shows up at the gummy convention.
Just a bunch of empty seats. One guy staggers in.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know. I'm just saying, this is an avenue for you that you should pursue.

Speaker 2 I would love to do more of these speaking engagements, I think. Maybe like five a year would be great, you know, just to make some extra scratch.
It would be good.

Speaker 1 You can make your scratch if you're going to get those gum gums.

Speaker 2 But I also, I don't know who would want me other than assistants.

Speaker 1 Oh, you kidding? No, there's so many people you could talk to. I mean, the Armenian community would always like to hear from you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Yeah, I do a lot of Armenian stuff. I am

Speaker 1 galloped.

Speaker 2 I don't get paid for those.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's right.

Speaker 2 I don't. I don't get paid for any of those because a lot of them are non-profit.

Speaker 1 Like, what am I going to do? Ask my people for payment.

Speaker 1 Yes, exactly.

Speaker 1 Say, cough it up.

Speaker 2 Let's go. You wouldn't do it.
Yeah. You don't, you don't, you do how many charity events? You don't get paid for those.

Speaker 1 No, I always try and hit them up later on.

Speaker 1 I go by the children's hospital and I say, where's my money?

Speaker 1 Please, sir.

Speaker 1 I have no leg.

Speaker 1 Oh, but you know what?

Speaker 2 It's funny being in a room with all these really professional people.

Speaker 2 It does make me feel like I wasn't a real assistant. Like I was an assistant to a very important figure.

Speaker 1 You lost me on that one. No, I am.

Speaker 2 You know, you are a very big, important figure. And then, but they're like in a complete, it's like, it's like meeting, you know, Michelle Obama's assistant.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You spoke there the year before I did.

Speaker 1 That's so great that they went from Michelle Obama's assistant to you. Yes.
Yes. She's got like important places to be, important things to do.

Speaker 2 I know. That's what I'm saying.
It's cool. And, you know, I wrote a book called The World's Worst Assistant, and they asked me to be there.

Speaker 1 It's cool. It's really fun.

Speaker 2 It was cool. I like it.
All right.

Speaker 1 Well, if you've got a gig and you're hiring, Sona Movesian's here. Call 555-2222.
That number again is 555-2222. Thanks for your help, boss.
Thank you. That's very problem.

Speaker 1 Those calls are coming in to a fake phone that exists only in TV and movies.

Speaker 1 Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Session, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Frost, and Nick Liao.

Speaker 1 Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.

Speaker 1 Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.

Speaker 1 Additional production support by Mars Mars Melnick. Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

Speaker 1 You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Cocoa Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message.

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