Bill Burr Returns Again

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Speaker 1 Just go to linkedin.com slash Conan. That's LinkedIn.com slash Conan.
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Speaker 1 Hello, my name's Bill Burr.

Speaker 1 And I feel good about being Conan O'Brien's friend, but I feel this is a little red flag that might be a little narcissist that I gotta fucking say why I'm his friend every time.

Speaker 1 I feel like I've already answered this question. I'm called a bottomless hole.
There's no filling this. Every time you're gonna have to repeat.
What is that like?

Speaker 1 Falling skill, heal the yell. Back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walk and loose, climb the fence, books and pens.
I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Speaker 1 Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

Speaker 1 Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs Friend, sitting here with Sona Mossessian and

Speaker 1 a giggling, I don't know why, Matt Gorley. It's the way I introduced the show, so just get over it.
You can't giggle every single time.

Speaker 1 I can't get over it because every time it's hilarious, it's like a nosebleed of change of environment. You go from,

Speaker 1 to, hi, and welcome to the show.

Speaker 1 I'm a professional broadcaster. Yeah.
Okay. And I have a question, and this is a serious question, which is, can I become flexible at my age? I mean, physically flexible.

Speaker 1 And this is something I've been thinking about a lot lately because I know people do yoga and stuff. I am a particularly tight, tight-assed gentleman of a later vintage.

Speaker 1 You see me all the time trying to stretch it out, don't you, Sona?

Speaker 2 I think your body is capable of it. Yeah, I don't think your mind is capable of it.

Speaker 1 Be honest. I'm being very honest.
Sounds honest to me.

Speaker 2 I am so. I think

Speaker 2 your body can become flexible if you work at it, but you're also so like tightly wound, you're just like, ooh.

Speaker 1 No, but you, but, but you see me trying, right? I do see you trying. I do a lot of like squats and bends, and I'm trying.
And I was doing a

Speaker 1 live show with Tignotero once, and she, I was backstage just trying to stretch before I go out, And she had the microphone and could see me and was just calling me out in front of the whole audience.

Speaker 1 Like Conan's doing these stupid stretches that will in no way, it was hilarious. Of course, she's hilarious.

Speaker 1 I'm kind of fascinated with this idea that I think there's part of me that thinks because of what I come from,

Speaker 1 this very tightly wound, I don't know, Boston Catholic, whatever you want to do. Sure.
And then my own propensities that it's never going to happen.

Speaker 1 And then there are days where I think, no, I could do this. I could do this.

Speaker 1 I could become a flexible person. But then I think there's another school of thought.
No, if you're not flexible at the age I'm at now, you can look it up, like Google away.

Speaker 2 I don't think that's true.

Speaker 1 And I'm sorry, do you want to be flexible just to be flexible? Or to what end? Is there a sport you want to play? I'd like to become a sexual athlete. Oh, dear.

Speaker 2 Sexual athlete?

Speaker 1 No, no.

Speaker 1 What I would like to do is,

Speaker 1 yeah, I just, I don't want to stiffen up as I get older.

Speaker 1 You're wearing some like.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I'm bringing it up today because

Speaker 1 as you know, I'm still displaced, whatever, very fortunate to still have my place, but I do sometimes just pick clothes out of the back of my car.

Speaker 1 And today I picked this stuff out and I realized I basically wore what you would wear to like a gym today, which I rarely do. I usually like to dress.
Can you stand up? Yeah, sure.

Speaker 1 I think it looks like you're in the hunger games. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is

Speaker 1 this. My wife got these for my son.
He didn't want them.

Speaker 1 And I put them on. And then I realized they're comfortable.
I know. You should be.
There's this weird cross-hatching. It looks to me like I'm on the set of Logan's Run,

Speaker 1 the TV show from Ortron. Right, right.
And this is not me. I never do this.
I thought you're just missing a headband. Yeah.
But because I'm wearing this, I do feel there's a little bit of an 80s vibe.

Speaker 1 But also, because I'm wearing this, when you wear clothes like this, you start doing stretches. And it was on my mind because I started doing stretches today out in the main room where everybody is.

Speaker 1 And I got on the floor, and other people, RJ, RJ, RJ, who works here

Speaker 1 at the podcast, he told me he's been stretching like on a professional level since he was five. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He stretches an hour a day.

Speaker 1 He stretches an hour a day.

Speaker 1 And here's the thing: he can't stand.

Speaker 1 He's so relaxed and loose.

Speaker 1 No, no, he's brought into work in a bowl, like

Speaker 1 Gaspacho. And they pour him into his seat and he does his work.
But no, he's very impressive. He's super physically fit.
And

Speaker 1 I think he's a black belt. He is a black belt.
He's like a multi-degree black belt in Taekwondo. I take back my reaction.
You should. Maybe we should get him in here.
He's probably out there.

Speaker 1 Is RJ out there? Can RJ come in? Because I'm very impressed with RJ. And you know what? A lot of people work here.
Not impressed with a lot of them.

Speaker 1 I literally go around looking. Is there someone here who I'm impressed with? Please have a seat.

Speaker 1 Hi, RJ. How are you going?

Speaker 1 So, RJ, I should be asking you this question. First of all, what is your actual position here at the show?

Speaker 3 So, I'm Adam's executive assistant. Right.
And I do a lot of stuff for basically whatever Adam asks for. I just kind of do it.

Speaker 1 That's the easiest way of saying that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that sounds

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 I saw you the other day breaking into an ATM with a crowbar.

Speaker 1 He asked for money. I know, I know.

Speaker 1 He said, I don't want to to use a card. Anyone can use a card.
Use this crowbar.

Speaker 1 We were talking the other day. You mentioned stretching.
It's been in the back of my head. And then today, before I know it, I'm on the ground.
You're on the ground.

Speaker 1 And you're showing me these different stretches. And you did one where your hips basically just flattened out like a spatch-cocked chicken.
They had just been.

Speaker 1 And I was like, my hips will never do that.

Speaker 1 I would need an operation.

Speaker 3 No, no, no, no, no. So we were doing frog pose and it just, it takes time.
The thing with flexibility is you can't force it at first. You kind of have to let your body ease into it.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's a bit of a bad thing. And then once your body can ease into it, that's when we figure out how to contract muscles in a certain way.

Speaker 1 And then when it lets go, when you let it go, then you fall forward. Sona will tell you, because Sona has spent many years observing me.
She watches how I wash makeup off. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 She watches how I brush my teeth.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I could start a fire on my face. Everything I do is, is to say everything, but like quick and hard.
Like, let's get this done. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And there's a self-loathing involved in it. So stretching is the antithesis to all of that.
Yeah. And it's breathing.
It's a love.

Speaker 1 And yeah, just being calm and patient. Yeah.
And just kind of toes without bending your legs.

Speaker 1 If my,

Speaker 1 I'm going to say if I had an operation, if I had an operation where my knees were removed

Speaker 1 and my feet were presented to me. That's how I am.
No, I am.

Speaker 1 My problem is, of course, I have a little bit of an unusual build, very long legs, shorter torso proportionally. So, yeah, if I really lean for a while, yes, I can get down.
You can't even do that.

Speaker 1 Well, you're a mess. I mean, I don't lie.

Speaker 2 I do think it takes time. I think you get sometimes impatient.
You're like, I want to be flexible now, but you have to just like take your time with it, maybe. Can you be patient?

Speaker 1 Chris, my question is, RJ, would you be willing to shift you away from your responsibilities with Adam. Because whatever shit you're doing for him, he can do for himself.

Speaker 1 And you just become my full-time stretch guru. Yo, that'd be great.
Let's do it.

Speaker 3 We'll both dress how you're dressing today.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we'll do it. Oh, really? We'll both dress

Speaker 1 like a guy from an early 80s space television sci-fi show. For sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I do.

Speaker 1 I'm into this. I want to try it.
I want to try and become more flexible.

Speaker 1 I want to evolve. This is something I'm saying as a serious thing.
I am interested in this concept that I can keep evolving, that I can keep changing in certain ways.

Speaker 1 A lot of cool things have happened in the last 10 years that I didn't see coming. So why couldn't I become flexible?

Speaker 2 I agree. Yeah.
And I think you should definitely put the work into it.

Speaker 1 Like, and then be patient. No, I agree.
No, I want RJ to do it. I want him to do.
Is there any way that you can do all the stretching? I'm not involved, but then somehow,

Speaker 3 you you know uh i inherit all the benefits and the inheriting part probably not but i need somebody to be like my camera guy when i'm stretching

Speaker 1 like you want to see my family photos i have he is like full like pass splits it's amazing i know it's pretty incredible that's crazy and and but also you started when you were five yeah really yeah yeah um i was really into martial arts the first thing i told my mom of what i wanted to be when i grew up was a power ranger so then she got me into martial arts and I just stayed.

Speaker 3 I ended up doing that for a little over 20 years.

Speaker 1 To the point where you can take a power ranger now. You can beat one.
Let's do it.

Speaker 3 Let's find a power ranger.

Speaker 1 I think I just joined like the little side button. There's probably one walking around Hollywood Boulevard.
Yeah. And you're just gonna, you're just gonna start kicking his ass.

Speaker 1 Poor guy's gonna have like a fanny pack. He's just trying to get

Speaker 1 money. He just wants a tip so he can take a selfie with you.
Suddenly he's getting wailed on by this red-bearded martial artist.

Speaker 1 Uh, well, RJ, uh, I'm very impressed by what you can do, and um, I will, I will try to learn from you. I will try to absorb.

Speaker 1 You are now my uh, you are Yoda to my Mark Hamill in the second, one of those things that later became Empire Strikes Back. Let's just skip it.
It was the second, honor the text.

Speaker 1 It was the second one, and then, but I guess now it's actually the 15th. Um, well, I'm with you on that.

Speaker 1 How's flexibility of personality going? Nope. Is that in play at all? Iron Rod.

Speaker 2 Maybe we evolve into a nicer person. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Maybe that's what we're going to listen to that podcast. No, it's going to suck.
It'll suck. Hey, let's go see the new Don Rickles.

Speaker 1 He's really nice to the audience. He gives everybody some fruit salad.

Speaker 1 Later. Don Rickles is broke.

Speaker 1 Thank you, RJ. All right, guys, let's get into it.

Speaker 1 My guest today, that's right, RJ's a redhead. I'm a redhead.
My next guest today, also a redhead, hilarious comedian, whose latest special, Bill Burr, Drop Dead Years, premieres March 14th on Hulu.

Speaker 1 He's also making his Broadway debut in Glengarry, Glen Ross, later this month.

Speaker 1 I love this guy. I'm thrilled he's with us today.

Speaker 1 Bill Burr, welcome.

Speaker 1 You and I have, we have a special connection. I really believe that.
We're both gingers. Yes, we both grew up.
We're unsightly from the Massachusetts area.

Speaker 1 We're sort of the

Speaker 1 with a spice in the stew. That's what the gingers are.

Speaker 1 We can't be next to each other. Like, we're only allowed.
L.A. L.A.
County only allows us to hang out once a year and have a dinner.

Speaker 1 There's only two of us that are allowed to be together.

Speaker 1 Two gingers from the Boston area that are incredibly a weird mixture of bitterness, right? That has, I mean. I would have gone with anger first, but okay, we'll go bitterness, anger,

Speaker 1 confused.

Speaker 1 I hide my anger, I think, or have in the past. Don't I hide it better than Bill? Oh, God, don't you? Don't you hate

Speaker 1 children? Don't I hide it when I'm

Speaker 1 smacking you in the station wagon?

Speaker 1 Agree with all my points, or there will be a discussion afterwards. But Sona, you've seen, and Matt, you guys have seen up close the beast, right? You've seen the beast.
We have.

Speaker 1 But for many years on television i was a quote good guy

Speaker 1 but there was a bill burr inside me always always yeah i think there is why you got why do you got to put your anger on me i had nothing to do with you and whatever happened how do we know how do we know how do we know we were in the same area i know you're younger than me but you were older than me and you were always taller so i mean if anything happened it was you you threw the ice ball at me or socket me down at Fitzy.

Speaker 1 Something happened.

Speaker 1 Stole the stereo out of my fucking shitbox car.

Speaker 1 What do radio thieves do now? I don't know. I don't know what to do.
Are you going to take the whole dashboard out and just walk around with this odd-shaped iPad?

Speaker 1 Has anybody got a 2023 Mercedes?

Speaker 1 Dude, back in the day, you could steal a stereo and fit in everybody's fucking car.

Speaker 1 Another job lost to AI.

Speaker 1 Do you go back to reunions and things like that? High school reunions?

Speaker 1 I don't know if I told you this, but I went back to one of mine years ago, a high school reunion, and I was doing the late night show, well-known person.

Speaker 1 I go back and this guy comes up to me and he goes, Hey, Gonan, remember the time that you and me busted into that liquor store down by the point?

Speaker 1 And we stole all that booze, but the cops came and we both took off and you went left and I went right and you got all the booze and then you drank it yourself. And I'm listening.

Speaker 1 I'm like, you have the wrong guy.

Speaker 1 I have never had a parking violation in my life. I didn't drink until I was like 26.
He's not the wrong guy, but he inserted me into his story. And I thought, I bet that happens to you.

Speaker 1 Unless, no, you were probably the guy that was. I don't understand how someone doesn't.
Was it that six foot four ginger? Or was, I mean, how many of you, how many of you were out? Right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 There was that guy I went to high school with who looked like Jane Lynch.

Speaker 1 I couldn't remember. I think I committed a crime with him.
No. I went to high school with the.

Speaker 1 I had a really cool grade. Like everybody, like, it was funny.
It was sort of like

Speaker 1 everybody by that by my senior year, everybody was sort of collectively partying with each other.

Speaker 1 So there wasn't like, you know, you had the clicks, the jocks, you had the people that took wood shop, the, you know, the burnouts or whatever, and then just the background people like me.

Speaker 1 And then by the end of it, we all used to go down this place, Dan Road, which was this industrial park that was slowly being built, taking over the woods or anything.

Speaker 1 But they had like all of these dirt roads back there and these burnt up cars for insurance and shit. We used to drive down there and drink.

Speaker 1 And every weekend, the party just kept getting bigger and bigger. And everybody was sort of high and drunk and just kind of got along with each other.
So I've only been to one high school reunion.

Speaker 1 I went to my 25th and I had a great time.

Speaker 1 But because I do stand-up, like I go around and I run in, a lot of people come out to my shows. So I kind of have like this never-ending sort of high school reunion, which is cool.

Speaker 1 When they hit me up or whatever, I always, you know, end up talking to them backstage and shit. And they get freaked out about how old their kids are versus mine.
But I think that's right.

Speaker 1 You got young kids. Yep, eight and four and a half.
Wow. Okay.
My kids are in their late 50s. Children.

Speaker 1 I have sciatica.

Speaker 1 You started a little bit late, too, and I'm still way behind you. Yeah.
Yeah, you're way behind me.

Speaker 1 You know, I watched your special. Many areas.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Exactly. Don't rub it in.
I watched your special, Drop Dead Years. Yeah.
Loved it. And I know it's coming out.
When's it coming out? I want to make sure I get it. It's out right now.
Okay.

Speaker 1 We were taping this a little beforehand. We're taping this in 1974.
1974. Very excited about the Red Sox next year, the 75 Red Sox.
It's amazing. And I'm glad that busing crisis is finally over there.

Speaker 1 Oh, finally, yeah. No more racism.
No more racism in Boston. And I'm looking forward to that story just sort of disappearing so Boston can move forward.

Speaker 1 Boston will be fine.

Speaker 1 No, but I watched your special and you talk about going to the funeral of a friend.

Speaker 1 First of all, it's a very, very funny. I feel it's a redundant saying Bill Bill Burr had a really funny stand-up special.
Why is it so hard for you to say that about me?

Speaker 1 I said it twice. I just rude against you.

Speaker 1 You know I root against you. You couldn't even open your eyes.
All right, I'm bidding. He said something that was mildly amusing.
He's fucking about. He achieved some success.

Speaker 1 Another ginger from Boston. There's only room for one.
Just what I need. But I watched your special and it was,

Speaker 1 it's fantastic.

Speaker 1 You talk about a losing a friend and going to the funeral and of course you have some very funny observations about that but it it opens up you're more it feels like you're you're opening up a little more in this special about your personal life and some of your struggles and it's uh it's it's fantastic oh thank you no i i kind of uh you know i was of that belief as most people that come from the east coast that you know your your anger and shit is like your security blanket and then and it's it's made you who you are it's why you're funny it's why you have character.

Speaker 1 It's all of this stuff. And if you, for some reason, let go of this and actually enjoy life or maybe take responsibility for your actions and see how your behavior affects other people.

Speaker 1 For some reason, that's going to be like the undoing of you. Like, you know, there's a lot, I don't know about how you came up, but like in stand-up, there was a lot of stuff out there.

Speaker 1 Don't get married, don't have kids. Basically, don't find happiness.
That is the kryptonite to comedy. And I found that

Speaker 1 that's not true.

Speaker 1 And it's really the opposite is once you kind of, you know, get yourself to a new place, you can kind of revisit a lot of shit that you talked about with like a new sort of point of view of it.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, no, I'm blissing, but believe me, dude, I've only gone up like one flight of the Empire State Building that is my messed up personality. So, you know, this is the

Speaker 1 eternal question.

Speaker 1 And it's one I've thought about in comedy, which is you can be funny or you can be happy. And I really believed in that dichotomy.
And I remember years ago living in LA

Speaker 1 and stating that to like getting molested.

Speaker 1 Doing the things you had to do to get a late night talk show. Come on, it's out there now.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 It's better when you say it. Conan, say the name.

Speaker 1 We all did what we had to do. You know, I'm here now.
It was a different time. Different time.
A lot of couches.

Speaker 1 You know what? No one wanted me on a couch.

Speaker 1 Right? I mean, let's just be honest. Not even your therapist.
No one, yeah. No one was like, I got to get me a piece of that Conan.

Speaker 1 But that featherless ostrich.

Speaker 1 Why? Why do I invite you back? I don't know. It's not right.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 But to your point,

Speaker 1 I really did believe that that was a choice you had to make, and I was okay with

Speaker 1 being miserable. Yeah.
Being miserable. And

Speaker 1 I thought it made me tough. Yeah.
I thought all of that stuff, like, you know,

Speaker 1 you know, and all the movies that you watch, they just, they, they, they made you believe. And I remember I watched the dirty dozen.
I watched the dirty dozen.

Speaker 1 And there's that scene where they have to shave in cold water. We ain't shaving and blah, blah, blah.
So I was sitting there thinking like, oh, tough guys shave in cold water.

Speaker 1 And I shaved in cold water for like seven years as like a fucking dental assistant and stand-up comedian.

Speaker 1 And like, it was like just something that I, I, it was a subconscious thing that it was all of this stuff had happened to me. So you just always thought this, yeah, I can't, you got to get tougher.

Speaker 1 You got to get tougher. You got to get tougher.
So all of this stuff that's happening to me, I won't feel it. And what I was really doing was I was, I was walling myself off.

Speaker 1 And it was so funny. There was, and there was a lot of information out there about people like being walled off and all of that.

Speaker 1 And I would just watch them fascinated, like, how the fuck do you know what you're feeling? Not even realizing that I was the exact same way. And yeah, no, it's mushrooms.
Mushrooms turn me around.

Speaker 1 I had one mushroom trip and it sort of woke me up to it. I've had people tell me I should do that.
I've never done that.

Speaker 1 And I also have a long way to go. I'll admit that.
I think I've made progress.

Speaker 2 You can be honest. I really do think you have.
And I think mushrooms might be good for you.

Speaker 1 You've always thought pot would be good for me.

Speaker 2 I did. Yes, I do.

Speaker 1 Pots are depressing. That pot is like, I don't know.
And

Speaker 1 weed isn't weed anymore. Oh, I mean, that shit where like, yeah, these people came over for fucking Thanksgiving, right?

Speaker 1 Why can't it just be Thanksgiving? Because you know something?

Speaker 1 It's how I grew up talking. Okay, okay, I'm just saying.
I don't mean it in a bad way. I went to my fucking kids' christening.
Yeah, I know. I know.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 So I had some friends over for what is arguably, I feel, the best holiday.

Speaker 1 Let's see, this is what I really feel, but I said fucking Thanksgiving, but I really love Thanksgiving because, yeah, it's a nice hang and you don't have to buy anything. And they said, Christmas.

Speaker 1 I can't stop looking at it. Who doesn't make a fucking turkey? I don't know why.
We're gonna go make some fucking chiblets and gravy

Speaker 1 as he sips his dainty little coffee.

Speaker 1 Nice coffee. I had to get rid of the straw.

Speaker 1 I'm not evolved enough as a man that I can drink out of a straw and still feel all right about my number four. I just think of it as an aluminum dick.

Speaker 1 Just doing my part to show that I'm an ally.

Speaker 1 Aluminum dick. I'd like to take another sip.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. Oh come on.
This episode is called Conan's Swallows.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 what was I talking about? So I had some people over for Thanksgiving. This guy goes, he has a joint, right? So I go, you know, I'll take a couple of hits, whatever.
I go, what is this?

Speaker 1 And he told me, he goes, it's a nice afternoon sativa, right? So then that sounds like the wind was just blowing through my non-existent hair. So I go, all right.

Speaker 1 So I, dude, I took three of the hits off of that thing, and I just wasn't at Thanksgiving anymore. I mean, I was like there.
I was like, my wife just, people kept talking to me.

Speaker 1 My wife just kept going, he's useless. He's useless.

Speaker 1 You got to wait a couple hours.

Speaker 1 It's so powerful. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, I'm not. It's too late.
No, that's why I ended up texting you some of the jokes a few days later.

Speaker 1 That thing where we were doing the thing, me and this other guy were high out of our minds. And like, nobody in this industry has been buying anything since the strike.

Speaker 1 But they're taking meetings, wasting your time. So we were like, we should waste their time back.
We were just pitching sequels to perfect movies that didn't need a sequel

Speaker 1 and my favorite was uh two flew over the cuckoo's nest this time he's keeping the sink

Speaker 1 and and it's it's all about it's all about the indian guy after he throws it he picks the sink up and he's running with it and tommy lee jones is chasing him it's just basically becomes the fugitive

Speaker 1 you just keep you you merge fugitive yeah and my favorite part was he's standing near the waterfall and he's like this sink means a lot to me. And Tommy Lee Jones is like, I don't care.

Speaker 1 So I opened that up to my podcast listeners. Dude, regular people are so fucking funny now because they're pitching jokes.
And so now they're funny.

Speaker 1 Somebody here, the best one, wrote a sequel to Schindler's List. It was called Schindler's Wrist.

Speaker 1 It's about the carpal tunnel Schindler got writing the list and the therapy. It's just this? And the therapy.
And the therapy that happened.

Speaker 1 And the movie just ends with him being like, yeah, you know, it feels pretty good. You know, just totally anticlimactic.

Speaker 1 How you feeling, Schindler? I got to say, pretty good. Pretty good.

Speaker 1 You're a wizard.

Speaker 1 Colonel Bryan Needs a Friend is brought to you by Airbnb. I've taken a few trips in the past where I got a place through Airbnb.
I've mentioned this before, lovely experience.

Speaker 1 I think I'm going to do it again. I love it.
It makes me feel so comfortable when I'm in a home that I get on Airbnb. Well, you've done this a lot, haven't you, Blay? I have.

Speaker 1 And actually, Eduardo and I tomorrow are going to Austin, and I'm trying to get him to stay with me in a house that I got on Airbnb. I don't know about sharing a spot with you.
Well, he's very loud.

Speaker 1 He's very loud. And he always has to bring his figurines with him.

Speaker 1 They're emotional support figurines. Yeah.
But the great thing about getting a place through Airbnb, and I've done this in several cities, I like just feeling like, okay, this is my own space.

Speaker 1 I can do my thing. You're traveling.
Why not enjoy it? Yeah. Well, thank you.
Yeah, you're so nice of you.

Speaker 1 Thanks. Yeah, Eduardo, don't go with him.

Speaker 1 The other thing, and this would be a cool little detail for both of you, is if you're not using your place, you could list that on Airbnb. It's true.
It's a terrific way to make some money.

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Speaker 1 You know me, I love to travel. You love to travel the world.
I do it

Speaker 1 professionally for my travel show, but I also just like to, sometimes with my wife, go and visit a foreign land and try their different cuisines. Yeah.
Enjoy the world.

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Speaker 2 I didn't even know there were 215 countries.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's just, well,

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Speaker 1 Well, you've changed your life a lot, right?

Speaker 1 You've cleaned up your act a little bit. I mean, I feel I have.
Yeah. My wife, I don't know.
I just don't know if I'm ever going to get over that hump. She's, first of all, I love your wife.

Speaker 1 Listen, enough about you and your private desires.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, we live in an experimental age.

Speaker 1 We live at a time. I mean, you're sucking an aluminum thick.
I mean, hey, and I have no shame about it. I got to tell you, the second.
Hold on a second.

Speaker 1 The second the tie comes off, I'm telling you, man, this guy becomes a different guy. Yeah.
There's always a clip on it. No, my wife, my wife is, is the is, yeah, she's the best.
She's the best.

Speaker 1 You guys came over for dinner, and she's fantastic.

Speaker 1 And I feel I accomplished the same thing. I found the right person.
I found someone who is on me,

Speaker 1 understands me, does not let me get away with shit. Sometimes she lets me get away with a little just because she's like, ah, let him go.
Yeah. Just let him blow out the lines a little bit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, exactly. Let him go.
But yeah, but yeah, Nia's amazing. Yes, she is.
You know, just when you're fucked up like me, I do need.

Speaker 1 The one big thing in our thing is I had to let her know I go, I need an out-a-boy every once in a while. Okay.
You can't just every fucking day be reading me the riot act.

Speaker 1 I mean, I know I'm a fucked up guy, and I know that I'm difficult to live with, but every once in a while, you know, I did make waffles this morning. You know, I don't remember that being brought up.

Speaker 1 Is that just

Speaker 1 out-a-boy anymore, by the way? Is that just expected? Yeah, out of boy. No one says out of boy? No, no one says out of boy.
How about there you go? There you go, Cole. There you go.
You did it.

Speaker 1 Look at you. Look at you.
It becomes real passive. Look at Big Boy over here.
It becomes real passive aggressive. There you go.

Speaker 1 Look at you.

Speaker 1 Must be nice.

Speaker 1 Must be nice. I got that one.
I got that one from somebody who's completely fucked up their life. He goes, oh, yeah, you know, you're out there in LA doing things.

Speaker 1 Christmas is coming up. You got money for gifts.
Must be nice. Must be nice.
And I'm just like, oh, yeah, it is. Life is pretty good when you're not doing drugs,

Speaker 1 getting fired every two weeks. Also, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 This guy has come into you with a real low bar. Oh, you know,

Speaker 1 that was it. That was it.
Must be nice. That was it.
Must be nice. You got some sneakers you can put on your feet.
Oh,

Speaker 1 it was building towards that. You know, I mean,

Speaker 1 it's just,

Speaker 1 it just was one of those things. And I always told him, I said, listen, dude, if you're in a hole, if you're reaching up, I'll try to pull you out.

Speaker 1 But if you're face down in it, digging it deeper every day, I'm not fucking, I'm not getting involved in that. And he just couldn't get his head around that.
And then he got, I don't know.

Speaker 1 The last time I talked to him,

Speaker 1 he goes, I've been working out. I've been working out.
I go, oh, that's great. I thought he was turning his life around.
He lost a fight to his son.

Speaker 1 Wait, that was his workout? He came at his son and lost? No. He was working out because he lost a fight to his son.

Speaker 1 So he's like, oh, man,

Speaker 1 I got to lay off. I got to lay off this shit.
It's just fucking...

Speaker 1 No, but that's one of the things too. That's the craziest motivation for I gotta get the jail.

Speaker 1 I'm signing up. Hey, well, what made you come in? Well, I'm fighting my

Speaker 1 17-year-old son, and he got the better of me.

Speaker 1 That was my wake-up call that I need to work out so I can beat the shit out of him. Right.
And people always say, like,

Speaker 1 why are so many people from Massachusetts funny? And I always go like, because that. is the kind of person you run into all the time.

Speaker 1 And he said that without a bit of funny, it wasn't supposed to be weird or anything. He was just straight up talking to me, going, Yeah, man, he's strong now.

Speaker 1 I mean, he actually like knocked me down and stuff. So, you know, I've been doing the curls.

Speaker 1 It's just like, Do you ever think of just like maybe going out to like have a cup of coffee and figure out what's going on with you guys?

Speaker 1 Like, I don't think you want, you really want to, you don't want to fight your son. I don't think he wants to fight you.

Speaker 1 No, dude, no, I know, I know, but still, you know, just like, you know, it's one of those. Uh, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I, I, I go back to uh, and another thing, too, I always remember when you were in Massachusetts is people would always, oh, you know, that guy, oh, dude, that guy's a character, he's a character, and it's, and everybody is like this, like,

Speaker 1 it's like they're very like uninhibited. And they get into like their, these, these habits and these things that they do.
And they don't realize like how colorful they are.

Speaker 1 And it's not until you travel and you go back and you just, you come back to Massachusetts.

Speaker 1 You're like, you go to like, I don't know what it's like now because like sports is like so, I don't know, I can't stand the direction that it went into.

Speaker 1 But when I used to go to like tailgates at the fucking Pats game, you know, when you were like drinking on Route 1, we used to park in this guy's backyard and and then you walk down train tracks, active fucking train tracks, people walking, holding hands with kids, and then you would go up the, under Route 1, up the thing, and then walk in.

Speaker 1 And just the shit that you saw, the stuff that people said, it was a comedy show from all the way, people trying to be funny, people not being, just being who they were.

Speaker 1 You get to your section before the giant, you know, fucking screens took over. There was a class clown in every fucking section.

Speaker 1 And I used to try to be that guy, and sometimes I was. And then sometimes there'd be a guy funnier than me.
And then I would just be entertained by him.

Speaker 1 And that happened at Red Sox games, Bruins games, big time, Celtics, all of those things. And I think like these TV screens and all of this shit that they have now, it's just like crowd control.

Speaker 1 Like the second there's a stop at your play that's like, you know, they got these dumb races and your section has to root for it to like win a t-shirt and shit. It's

Speaker 1 it's dumb.

Speaker 1 Well, you, I was of the era where my brother and I would go down to Fenway Park without it, just would think, hey, let's go watch a Red Sox game, and we'd walk down and you could get bleacher seats.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, for like eight bucks. Yeah, and we would get bleacher seats, and we would sit in the bleachers.
No planning, no, like, we've got tickets, and we would go and we'd sit up there.

Speaker 1 And what they did was they hired this is back when the Red Sox game seemed to stand on Conan's shoulders and then pulled himself up over the green monster.

Speaker 1 What's happening up there, Luke?

Speaker 1 Hey, Luke, who's ahead?

Speaker 1 The Reds are giving us a shellac. And then the beginning of his comedy career.
Hey, you guys were supposed to pull me up.

Speaker 1 Fuck you, you fucking red-headed cut. And then they just,

Speaker 1 hey, that's the title of my autobiography.

Speaker 1 That was supposed to be a surprise. Random house next year.
Fuck you, you fucking red-headed cunt. I was doing a pre-promotion for you.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 No, but we would sit in the bleachers, and what was hilarious was they used to hire like football players,

Speaker 1 these massive linebackers from, I think, BU.

Speaker 1 And they would,

Speaker 1 you know, guys with massive necks, and they were the crowd control, but not professional crowd control.

Speaker 1 Their job was just if anything got out of line, if they saw some people like having a little too much to drink and maybe getting into it, starting to fight a little bit, these guys with massive necks from BU would go running up and they would wail

Speaker 1 people. And that was more, we went to watch that more than we could watch the game.
Well, the art of bouncing back then, it was nobody knew how to de-escalate a situation.

Speaker 1 It was all just ramping it up. Yes, I still remember I was doing this gig at Nick's Comedy Stop, and downstairs was a nightclub.
And I still remember the night these guys, they kicked this dude out.

Speaker 1 And I don't know if this guy ever walked again. They basically, it was a dance floor.

Speaker 1 You know, you're in there, it's super fucking loud, you know, Bel Bib DeVoe era, like that shit was playing, you know, poison or something. And then you just heard this commotion.

Speaker 1 And I looked over and I think it was two bouncers and they had just grabbed this guy. picked him up and started running full speed with him.
And there's like innocent people there.

Speaker 1 And the crowd just parted like that. And they, they had him like nine feet in the air, and the door jam is like eight.
And they were both running like a 440 with this guy.

Speaker 1 And like from the middle of his back to the back of his head, just slammed into this middle thing and he folded it like a chair. Just

Speaker 1 threw him out onto Warrington Street. I remember everyone like that.

Speaker 1 I like that you can't get through this without laughing.

Speaker 1 That's the most Boston part of this. So, anyway, his spine is severed.

Speaker 1 No, but now, like, there was like no cameras. Yeah.
So it's just like, if you ever did that today, forget about that big cameras.

Speaker 1 The owner of the club would be like, dude, I'm going to have a lawsuit every fucking weekend. You guys are fired.
So they just threw that guy. Everybody was like, oh, man, but it just went, oh.

Speaker 1 And then the music's still playing. And like, it was the funniest thing ever.
As far as like, it took a good minute for relaxed dancing to happen again. It was kind of like,

Speaker 1 yeah, it is Pell Biff DeVoe.

Speaker 1 No, it was definitely like the tone and set.

Speaker 1 I'll never be like they, they must, and they must have done that more than once because they were working together. They just grabbed the guy.
I knew a guy that was a bouncer.

Speaker 1 He said, sometimes we would just walk up to somebody just to start a fight, and we just walk up to him and be like, hey, man, you got to get out of here. And

Speaker 1 they didn't do anything. And they would just do it, hoping that they would, because they, you know, a lot of guys were on juice back then.

Speaker 1 And it was, you know, it wasn't the cream that they have now that also

Speaker 1 has like a suntan lotion or whatever, a sunscreen in it, whatever these guys have now that's what i use it was it was the horse tranquilizer so they like wanted to get into fights and uh i somehow i avoided all of that i avoided all of that like past a certain age i just stopped i was like these guys of like people getting their fucking ears bit off and stuff you know i knew this guy like you know used like his party trick he would eat a light bulb

Speaker 1 oh yeah and gums bleeding smiling at you and it's just like yeah these guys these guys this is a better time these guys are on another these guys are on another level i'm just gonna stick to the comedy and yeah, there was some really interesting.

Speaker 1 There was a lot of characters back then. A lot of characters.

Speaker 1 It was funny. You did this special in Seattle.

Speaker 1 I almost sensed you love to go to a place where you feel like you're not just going to, you could go to certain places where you're just going to get.

Speaker 1 where you know what their attitude is and you know you're going to get unconditional love.

Speaker 1 Obviously, you have a lot of fans in Seattle, but you go there, I think, because you want to challenge some of what Seattle may stand for right now in some ways. Is that possible? Well,

Speaker 1 I did what I did in Seattle because of collectively the way they think, but like if I did it in Utah, I would have did it a different way. Yes, exactly.

Speaker 1 It would have been the same thing to kind of like, you know, like mess with them a little bit. But you like the pushback.
You enjoy it. Well, yeah, because the thing I can't, I don't want.

Speaker 1 It's your, I mean, it's, um, it's the cold shave for you. There's part of you that wants to go someplace.
And you did this for years on my show, which which was

Speaker 1 why I always loved you, but

Speaker 1 you would have the take that wasn't the comfortable take that everyone would applaud at. You would always want to put yourself in a situation where you weren't people away.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 No, but it was hilarious. And I think something that's

Speaker 1 unusual about you. Well, the reason why I love the city.

Speaker 1 And then that theater for me is a funny place because everyone talks about like Nirvana, that they were the ones that knocked off the metal bands off the top 10 on MTV.

Speaker 1 And it was, it was really, I felt when Pearl Jam put out that video and Eddie Vetter climbed up at the Moore Theater and dropped down into the crowd.

Speaker 1 And it was like, okay, so that Nirvana thing wasn't a fluke. There's more of these bands.
And it was like the first time that I felt like old, you know, I was about 23.

Speaker 1 There was no more exciting birthdays. You know, I, I, you know, 16, you get your license, 18, you're an adult.
21, you can drink. 22, you graduate college.

Speaker 1 This is the first kind of like, oh, now I just go, all right, bye, good luck with your life. We're watching these people.

Speaker 1 And it was just funny to me to go back to that place where that happened because it took me forever to like that band.

Speaker 1 And now I like them, but it took me forever because I was just, because of where I was just like, fuck those guys. Wait, for Pearl Jam? Yeah, guys.
What was your beef with Pearl Jam?

Speaker 1 They knocked Warren off. It was so stupid.

Speaker 1 Because you liked Warren? It wasn't that.

Speaker 1 It wasn't what they represented was I wasn't young anymore.

Speaker 1 It was the end. It was the end.
Listen, even I knew when all of those W bands were coming in that like, this is like the end of these

Speaker 1 bands. But there was also still some, like, I'll tell you this.

Speaker 1 What's their face? Oh, my God, I'm flicking on the name here. When they did monkey business, Sebastian Bach.
Oh, Skid Row. Skid Row.
Dude, them live on SNL doing

Speaker 1 monkey business or whatever. Dude, I'll put that up against anybody.
Sebastian Bach and the whole band sounded fucking unreal.

Speaker 1 but the whole industry at that point was already moving on to grunge and it's a killer album. So there was there was still, you know, any genre, there's going to be like awful versions of that.

Speaker 1 But like, that was just my first experience of like, oh, wow, this is like over, you know?

Speaker 1 So that's kind of why I picked that theater to do it because it was funny to me, like, to come back to this place that reminded, and then, you know, drop dead years, this whole mortality thing that I was staying.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're talking about, you say there's these ages when men, not women, men just drop dead. And you say it's 49 to 61.
Yeah, and anything after that, you're just looking at a prolonged illness.

Speaker 1 No, you, you've got to.

Speaker 1 But you say that's the age. That's this window.
And he said, it doesn't happen. It's really funny.
I don't want to blow you special.

Speaker 1 The watt of years I'm in. So I've got to make sure I go to the hot doctor.
And I got to make sure I watch what I eat, dude. And then, you know, then you can make it.

Speaker 1 to that uh to that next level where you know you're that old guy at the golf club talking about how they just took your gallbladder out and, you know, just talking about what ails you.

Speaker 1 I can never be that guy. I've tried so many times to get into golf.
I just cannot find it. I don't do it.
I tried it once, and I thought, it's going to take so much work for me to be very bad that

Speaker 1 I want to put that time into maybe getting a little better at guitar. Like, that was my...

Speaker 1 And nobody seems to be enjoying it. Like, you talk about anything.
Anybody goes, you know, I was going, oh, yeah, first four holes were good. And

Speaker 1 I couldn't have my fucking driver. And then it's like, why would you keep doing this? And it takes forever.
And it's mind-numbingly

Speaker 1 boring. It's just, I like watching pros do it.
I like that my friends enjoy doing it, but I would rather go do shit.

Speaker 1 I'd rather go play drums, ride a motorcycle, fly a helicopter. Like, why wouldn't you do that as opposed to fucking say, what do you say? 112 yards?

Speaker 1 What are you going? What are you going? You going seven, eight iron?

Speaker 1 And they got their fucking sniper scope.

Speaker 1 It's so fucking, it's so dumb it's so dumb it's like all you guys need to go home and either get divorced or work on your marriage because there is nothing nothing is happening here this is it's like a library like you got it's like the whole

Speaker 1 it's so quiet

Speaker 1 all of this

Speaker 1 it's just bad it's just bad and everybody with the wacky

Speaker 1 you either wear really wacky clothes like you're in a three stooges sketch or or or you dress

Speaker 1 or you dress like you're you're you know Tiger Woods adjacent or whatever. Yeah, so yeah.
Oh, he's a scratch golfer. You're guys a scratch golfer.

Speaker 1 Oh, is he?

Speaker 1 That's amazing.

Speaker 1 Like he's dunking.

Speaker 1 It's just like, well, this makes me happy because I sometimes I'm adjacent to a lot of people that are golfers. Jeff Ross golfs a lot and likes to talk about golf.
It's hard to just

Speaker 1 golf all the time. Yeah.
No, no, no, listen.

Speaker 1 listen if that's what gets you going i that that's cool i just i tried no no i don't know because it i'm i'm joking it does look like a great hang it does look like a great hang we should talk all the time it's just

Speaker 1 not it should be nine holes and i would argue maybe seven seven holes like if is there a golf slider thing that i can do like three holes there are courses that offer nine holes yeah you know there's there's one uh off the five that's a par three there's one down in torrance that's a an eight an 18 hole par three it's like that's that's what i yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm going here with three clubs, 48 balls, and I'm not looking for any of them. I don't give a shit.
And I count every fucking stroke.

Speaker 1 Like, if I go to T Off and I miss, I go, oh, that's a breakfast ball. No, it isn't.
It isn't. Right.
It isn't. I was trying to hit the ball and I missed.
That fucking counts.

Speaker 1 Setting the tone. These are going to be honest scores today.
And nobody looks at you. They all look down at their silly pants.

Speaker 1 It attracts and rewards dishonest people.

Speaker 1 A lot of contractors, real estate agents, lawyers. You're just running a lot of people.
You're a happy man now. That's what I like.

Speaker 1 I know your anger fuels you. Dude, I went on a motorcycle ride the other day that was fucking life-changing.
It was just, it was fun. I was riding.
Where'd you go?

Speaker 1 I went up the canyons in, I think, La Canyada or something like up that way. And it was my buddy's bike, and it was a big bike.
And I was, you know, those big Harleys with the fucking ferring.

Speaker 1 So it's like scary. You know, it's like you're on a Clydesdale.
And on the way up, I was kind of scary, but on the the way back, I kind of got the feel for it.

Speaker 1 And I kind of, you know, did my version of Tearing Through the Canyon. And I, it was like, I was euphoric for like two days doing that.
And that's like, just not something golf has never done for me.

Speaker 1 Like, I remember a couple of times I've hit good shots, and people are going, that's the shot that's going to make you come back. It's like, no,

Speaker 1 do you have nighttime golfing?

Speaker 1 I would do that. Like, those, you know, like those driving range things, those

Speaker 1 with the big net, that looks like fun. You know, those checks there, the people drinking and stuff.

Speaker 1 Yeah, top golf. That looks like, like, if I was young, this is like a nightclub with golf.

Speaker 1 That looks fun, but like to actually just become a member, you have to vote on things like you join this sports HOA.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 we got a dentist here.

Speaker 1 Seems like a good guy. He wants to be a member.

Speaker 1 See, Conan, you take him out for a round of golf and feel him out.

Speaker 1 Feel if he's our kind of person that we want in our little clubhouse here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Any choice?

Speaker 1 It really is. You know, you talked about one thing.
There's so many things you bring up that I relate to. And one is you don't own a gun, but you like guns.
And you bring this up in your special.

Speaker 1 And I kind of relate, meaning I'm too scared. I would not own a gun.
No, no, I don't want a gun in my house.

Speaker 1 I'd love to have one. Oh, you would? I don't want a gun in my house.

Speaker 1 I don't want to, but I've kind of always been fascinated by guns and the times that i've been in situations where someone's let me shoot guns i've it's fun found it to be very cathartic it's really interesting to me i i like to kind of get the basics down of it but i don't want to own one yeah i understand that i i because i i know that i am like i mean the joke i do i i you know i lose my cell phone like like i'll walk into a room to to get something that I forgot and then I will leave and I and in the process of getting that, I'll have left whatever was in my hand.

Speaker 1 hand yeah and my passport I'll get to the airport fucking I got to go back like I am too um whatever it is however my brain is like you have to be on it to own a fucking gun especially if you have kids in the house and like uh

Speaker 1 you know I you know you kind of gotta know gotta know where your skill set is you know so like I learned a lot of shit like uh in like aviation where of not is flying within your ability you know what I mean so you're always looking at the weather and stuff like that and I just always look at that stuff you keep the odds in your favor.

Speaker 1 And you don't just do something when you're up there because what you're flying can do it. It's like, do you have the ability to do it? Is it safe to do it here or whatever?

Speaker 1 And, you know, just doing stuff like that. Like, I just look at like, no, I like, I go into gun stores all the time.
I like the old school like revolvers, all like those cop shows that I watch.

Speaker 1 I'm like, oh, that's the Clint Eastwood right there. That's Beretta had that or whatever, you know.

Speaker 1 And I like the old school like rifles and stuff, but I'm not into like the,

Speaker 1 I don't know, like the semi-automatics. No.
what's the one that everybody wants to get? The

Speaker 1 AKA, what is it?

Speaker 1 AR-15. IR-15, yeah.
To me, that's like the electric car of the fucking gun world. You know, like, if you just have a revolver, that's like driving a stick.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You got to be good at it. That shit's kind of like, you know, you're just watching your misses until you hit the fucking person.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 How much, though? How many fucking opportunities do you need? Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 Anything that's firing 900 rounds a second.

Speaker 1 You don't have to, there's no skill. It's a gunfight meets T-ball.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so

Speaker 1 no, but that's also like another thing, too, is what I'm trying to do now, like when I'm going out there, is I'm trying to more like bring people together, which is a really hard thing to do because everything gets politicized, like fires, viruses.

Speaker 1 I did Kimmel the other night. I deliberately was apolitical, complimented the fire department, Department of Water, and somebody takes a clip and said that I, you know, Bill sides with Gavin Newsome.

Speaker 1 It's like, I couldn't pick that guy out of a fucking lineup. I've seen him after games when they cut to KTLA and they show him for a second, salt and pepper hair.
So he's the game show host, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I have a vague understanding of who that guy is, but like, I didn't know what party he was in. I don't watch any of that shit.
I don't watch any of that. You don't watch news.

Speaker 1 You're not a news junkie. There is no news.
Yeah. There is no news.
It's just all people's fucking opinions. And then politicians are grossly underpaid.
So they let you vote.

Speaker 1 So you get to choose who goes, oh, my guy won, or my guy lost, or whatever. And then they go in there.
And then the rest of the time, you don't get to like vote on what they're voting.

Speaker 1 They vote on it. And the people that own them, you know,

Speaker 1 they're working for them. And all of those guys, like, you know, they're all worth like 40, 60, 80, 100 million dollars, making like six figures a year.
How do you do that legally? How do you, Conan?

Speaker 1 I don't have the answers. I know, you don't.
And everybody, but the genius is they got everybody like they divide, divide, divide every fucking time. CNN does it, Fox News does it.

Speaker 1 And I find these people that who watch that shit, it's like people who come out of prison who are institutionalized, you know, and they can't fucking live unless they're inside.

Speaker 1 You watch that 24-hour news enough, you know, and you follow, you know, you start thinking paranoid thoughts and you follow those paranoid thoughts onto the internet.

Speaker 1 There's going to be a website that agrees with whatever fucked up thought you have and then validates it. Then you just go like crazy.
Like my last time I did,

Speaker 1 I did Kimmel. Somebody wrote to me and was like dead certain that Jimmy Kimmel was a CIA operative.

Speaker 1 Well, he may be, actually.

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't like to add fuel to the fire. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 I was with him in the CIA for a while. It was me.
Now, what did you do? What did you do to get kicked out? That the CIA disowned you?

Speaker 1 We don't want a hairless ostrich.

Speaker 1 Featherless. Featherless.
Oh, okay. Featherless.

Speaker 1 No, it was me. It was Fallon.

Speaker 1 There was a bunch of us that were in heavy heavy CIA training.

Speaker 1 I was asked to leave. Fallon kept singing.
They asked him to leave.

Speaker 1 With the U.S. Bank Split World MasterCard, all purchases are automatically divided into three payments and placed in a payment plan to be paid back over three months.
That's a nice little buffer zone.

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Speaker 1 So whether it's concert tickets, a new sofa, or an unexpected vet bill, pay later on every purchase with the U.S. bank split card.
Why do they always say an unexpected vet bill?

Speaker 1 There are expected vet bills.

Speaker 1 I got my golden retriever a facelift. We talked about it for a year.

Speaker 1 He was very unhappy. He wasn't doing well on social media.
So we had a little to nip and tuck. Yeah.
Yeah, it was a good time.

Speaker 1 No, I would never do that. It was a good time.
I never did that.

Speaker 1 Animals never had facelift in my home. That's one thing where I will draw the line.
No facelifts for dogs in my home. Cats, on the other hand, need all the help they can get.
I lost my mind.

Speaker 1 Learn more at usbank.com slash split card. The creditor and issuer of this card is US Bank National Association pursuant to a license from MasterCard International Incorporated.

Speaker 1 Some restrictions may apply.

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Speaker 1 I was into conspiracy theory, but then like once you're actually in the thing that people are conspiring about and you realize how ridiculous their theories are because you actually have a little bit of information, it's like, oh my God, like that's me.

Speaker 1 That's how I was.

Speaker 1 I used to think all of this shit and I was putting things together, and I forgot that I didn't know any of these people. I was a zillion miles away or whatever.
But

Speaker 1 my least favorite thing in this era we're in is everyone's certain.

Speaker 1 There's certainty. And I like, whatever happened to uncertainty, whatever happened to...
I like comedy where I admit I don't know. I don't know what the answers are.
Yeah. And

Speaker 1 I'm going to. Think of some stuff that is amusing to me and share it with you and hope that you find it funny.
But I see it a lot in comedy now. There's a lot of certainty

Speaker 1 and in politics. Everyone's absolutely 100% certain about everything.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that's the thing I find.

Speaker 1 I was guilty of that early, or I like to think earlier in my career.

Speaker 1 I was doing this and then now I'm trying to do more of that. So I always try to

Speaker 1 always just let people know that I don't watch the news and I don't read. And this is just what I feel.
It comes across. You don't have to do it.
It's very clever. Okay, good.
No, that's good.

Speaker 1 Cause I don't want I don't want the responsibility of that. Like, you know,

Speaker 1 can you read? Are you able to read?

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 you're acting it sound like it was a decision that you made.

Speaker 1 No, it depends on like, you know, when I was really fucked up, like really fucked up and didn't know I was fucked up, it would take me 20 minutes to read one page. Wow.

Speaker 1 Because every word or sentence would remind me of something like my, my brain was like on spin cycle and it took a long time to understand that.

Speaker 1 I just thought I was dumb because that's what they said when you were young there wasn't like all of these diagnoses you were just an idiot and uh so that's what I thought I said oh I can't this is taking so long because I'm dumb and then after I was oh no I think I might be a little traumatized I don't know or I don't know what the fuck it is but I also knew enough not to take any drugs because of it it's like oh you know I can kind of like try to figure this out and get myself yeah it's like all these idiots taking Ozempic it's like do you really think after all that cake you ate that all you have to do is shoot this thing into your fucking leg and then you're going to be skinny?

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 okay, not to do a pun here, but you can't have your cake and eat it. Like, there's going to be an unbelievable disease on the other side of that.
You don't just get to melt the pounds away.

Speaker 1 And there you go. That was weird.
And then I just did this.

Speaker 1 You too.

Speaker 1 Somebody was trying to claim that these sugar companies are now breaking down what's in Ozempic and they're putting a chemical in their candy that's going to override the Ozempic.

Speaker 1 And it's just like, so my body is basically a battlefield. Like, I'm not even a person at this point.

Speaker 1 Well, that's my thing, why I don't watch the news or politics because no one's talking about, nobody's talking about that shit.

Speaker 1 Or you watch like a fucking baseball game and everybody's holding up a sign of somebody they know that beat or died of cancer and nobody's saying why or asking why to all the, they never did that.

Speaker 1 People used to smoke at the fucking game and you knew less people that died of cancer. Like I want people to start holding up signs like, you know, thank you, Roundup.

Speaker 1 And you watch how quickly MLB will cut away from that because they make, they're in business with those guys. Yeah.
Oh, here I go. Now I'm going on the internet.
No, that's okay. That's okay.

Speaker 1 So you're, you're positing that there's a lot of carcinogens out there and no one's talking about it. No, I just wish that regular people, which is most of us, would just stop yelling at each other.

Speaker 1 Stop letting these fucking idiots get you stirred up. Stop arguing with bots.
Like no matter what the fuck is on there. Like it'd be, you know, like the LA fires or something.

Speaker 1 All you got to do is, ah, that's because of Biden, because of Trump, Kamala. That's all you gotta do.
And then all of these fucking people just jump on the hook. And it's a fire.
It's a fire.

Speaker 1 It used to be something you didn't argue about. There's a bad fire.
I know. Just watch Chinatown and just realize that this place shouldn't be here.
Right. We've all known this.

Speaker 1 It's a desert. There has never been.

Speaker 1 I can't believe I live in a desert and there's no water in the hydrants.

Speaker 1 Oh, Jesus. This summon your ice bath.

Speaker 1 People, your lawn is all green. This did like we were living like idiots out here.
We know that we're living on, like, like this, we're living on the moon, and

Speaker 1 it looks like we're living in New Hampshire.

Speaker 1 Like, that's, that's eventually that that's going to come around, you know, and every year we have a drought, and they tell you not to take as long as a shower, and blah, blah, blah, and we all fucking blow it up.

Speaker 1 I think we're all responsible for that. I don't think you just blame it on like a political party.
And

Speaker 1 I don't have a solution for that, but I don't think the solution is to sit there and blame people people and try to, you know, it happened during your watch, Conan. This is on you.
The St.

Speaker 1 Francis Dam disaster is on you.

Speaker 1 By the way, they found out years later that they built that dam into a prehistoric mudslide and they didn't have the technology. And that guy carried the guilt of that.
When the St.

Speaker 1 Francis Dam collapsed out here and like a 30-foot wall of water went to the valley, they found people's bodies down in like fucking Mexico. And this guy carried.

Speaker 1 He can't get through this without laughing.

Speaker 1 That is so Boston. I just can't.
They found bodies in Mexico. I mean, I just can't imagine.
You're in your log cabin or whatever, Jimmy Crackporn, and I don't care.

Speaker 1 This fucking wall of water.

Speaker 1 And then, if there is a God, you wake up talking to him, still holding your band, spitting out fish. What the fuck happened? I'm spitting out fish.

Speaker 1 Like a cartoon.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 I know. Like a cartoon.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I can't believe

Speaker 1 you're the guy who built that shit. And you're like, what happened?

Speaker 1 He probably heard it. He probably heard it go through the

Speaker 1 sound of it. What is that? What is that? That's the shit you built, you fucking asshole.
What made you think of the St. Francis Dam? Look that up.
When did that happen?

Speaker 1 Where did it go? No, this is even better. It looks even better.

Speaker 1 After the dam collapses, some fucking asshole wanted to climb up it to do like the original selfie or whatever. He climbed up on top and he fell off and died.
Oh,

Speaker 1 it was built between 1924 and 1926. And when did it collapse? 1927.

Speaker 1 Damn failed in 1928.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. So we're sitting here talking about current events and you just

Speaker 1 go right to the St. Francis Dam collapse in.
Because I know you like old-timey shit. I do.

Speaker 1 You like Winston Churchill and Theodore Roosevelt. I've been to his house.
He has the library of a 90-year-old.

Speaker 1 I think what's missing, he should just greet me with a pipe. I have a pretty good library.
He does. They're all leather-bound.
Oh, come on.

Speaker 1 They're not all leather-bound.

Speaker 1 He was. You said I should have in my house.
He was totally intimidating. He was going, I've read all of these.

Speaker 1 And all this information is in here.

Speaker 1 It's all in my mind.

Speaker 1 And you will all sit here and listen to it.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. It's the longest night of my life.
Oh, come on.

Speaker 1 I get it, Conan. You've read about the Third Reich.
Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 Dennis Miller would have been like, take it easy.

Speaker 1 Take it easy, chat, chat. Yeah, Jesus.
I would love to see the two of you guys too. One of my old friends going back and forth.

Speaker 1 One of my old girlfriends took a photo of me, and it's like on this beautiful beach, like 1994, when I took like my first vacation ever, and I'm on the beautiful beach in the Caribbean, and I'm sitting there, and I'm reading William Shire's Rise and Fall of the Third Reich.

Speaker 1 It's like a telephone book with a swastika on the cover and I'm completely in shade because God forbid. What country were you in? No, I was in the Caribbean somewhere.

Speaker 1 And so God forbid I get any sunlight at all.

Speaker 1 And I'm wearing, you know, Rose Kennedy's sun hat underneath an umbrella and I'm reading this giant morality tale about the rise and fall of the Third Reich in tiny print.

Speaker 1 You know, I went to Prague and I went to that church where those guys hold up who shot that SS guy. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And they stayed there for like fucking, I don't know how many days just fighting these guys off. They tried to flood it and drown.
They still got the bullet holes in there. Yeah.
So it's unreal.

Speaker 1 Like World War II is just like this thing because it wasn't here. When you go over there, it's just, they still got the, like if you go into like Berlin.
Sure. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And what the few structures that are left, you're like, oh yeah, this really fucking happened.

Speaker 1 You know, you go, you go to like countries that they bombed and they just have the ugliest buildings because after the war, they were just leveled and their economy was done so they just had to like just build these things i was doing my travel show with my team and we checked into this town in lintz named linz and we're walking around and i said every building here looks like it was built starting in 1950.

Speaker 1 man they for whatever reason they bombed the shit out of the place and so i i got on my phone looked up Linz, like what happened in Linz. And Linz is the,

Speaker 1 it wasn't his birthplace, but it was the town where Hitler grew up. The Allies knew that.
It was also, I think it was an armaments.

Speaker 1 They built armaments there. And so they bombed the shit out of it.

Speaker 1 And you can see that every single building, and I've seen this in Cologne, too, where the only thing they didn't hit was the cathedral. The cathedral.

Speaker 1 And I've talked to people there and they've said, people who think... you know, war, who romanticize war need to come to these places.
Oh, no, it's brilliant.

Speaker 1 Because every single, every single building was demolished. Everything.

Speaker 1 In,

Speaker 1 what do they call it now? Checknya, whatever they're calling it now.

Speaker 1 There's a town where they, they have, I haven't gone, I would never, it's just too sad to go to, but like when they killed that SS guy,

Speaker 1 for some reason, they, they, I don't know, I forget the story of the kids. They assassinated him.
The resistance assassinated him.

Speaker 1 So they found out whatever town, some of those guys they thought they were from, and they fucking killed everybody in that town.

Speaker 1 So they have like this, this, you know, these silhouettes of like, you know, men, women, children. It's just fucking, it's fucking brutal.
It's brutal. And then what's funny is when you go.

Speaker 1 What's funny? This is unbelievable. Go.
I'll tell you what's funny is you go to Stockholm, Sweden, okay? And it looks like you're in the Keebler-Elf's like home city. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you're like, well, hmm, why did this one survive? And you found out they remained neutral. Yeah.
Yeah. So they let the Nazis, they look the other way as they use their trains to go into Norway.

Speaker 1 And then that whole fucking thing was wild because I went over there and they were talking about how, you know, Norway had fought

Speaker 1 to get the bottom third of their country liberated from Sweden and they had just gotten it back.

Speaker 1 And then during World War II, I don't know if this was some like, you know, petty shit, they let the Nazis go in there and, you know, fuck them all up.

Speaker 1 So then Norway's economy was flattened and Sweden, just because they were still standing, became this economic power.

Speaker 1 So Norway was so desperate, they tried to sell the bottom of the third of their company. country back again.
And Sweden was like, yeah, no, we don't want it. Jesus.
And then they found oil there.

Speaker 1 And then the Swedes go, now we go over there and do jobs that they don't want to do.

Speaker 1 But everybody has like a sense of humor about it now because no one was alive when all of that shit happened. You know what I mean? Right.

Speaker 1 But it was,

Speaker 1 yeah, it's pretty fucking, it's pretty wild. Well, I knew this is where the podcast was going to go.

Speaker 1 At the very beginning, I said, I'm going to get us to the devastation in World War II. Hitler was into architecture, though.
That's why he left like Paris and Prague alone.

Speaker 1 He's just like, they're too beautiful to destroy. That's just such a funny wrinkle in his personality.

Speaker 1 Like, because he's murdering six million people. Oh, is that Art Deco?

Speaker 1 He did, at the end, want them to burn Paris.

Speaker 1 And one general was because he couldn't have it. Yeah, exactly.
He knew Lover. Yeah, exactly.
So at the very end, he wanted to, you know, I'm just, I'm tired of you letting Hitler slide.

Speaker 1 Bill Burr. We've

Speaker 1 my favorite norm jokes of all time. What? He was on Letterman.
He was talking about Hitler, and he was like, you know, he goes, the more I read about this guy, the less I like him.

Speaker 1 God bless you, Norm.

Speaker 1 Totally presented it like he was the only guy who had ever read up.

Speaker 1 I don't know if you ever heard about one of the worst people of the last century.

Speaker 1 I'm getting into it.

Speaker 1 Listen, I want to make sure we get the word out on your special. It's out right now.

Speaker 1 And it is called

Speaker 1 Drop Dead Years. Yeah.
And it's on Hulu, streaming on Hulu. And yeah, I'm very proud of it.

Speaker 1 And I'm looking forward to, I guess, when this thing airs, when this airs, I'll be doing Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross on Broadway at the palace. That's fantastic.

Speaker 1 If you'd like to come, if I'm allowed to invite a ginger,

Speaker 1 I might have to have Odin Kirk invite you. And maybe that's, we'll find a loophole.
Yeah, yeah. Me and Ed Sheeran will come together with Ron Howard.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 from the day I met you,

Speaker 1 no one's mind works like yours, and it's a beautiful thing to behold. Oh, I didn't know which way that was going.
Day I met you. I was like, why did we book this guy?

Speaker 1 The way your brain works, I'm constantly saving your stories. It's exhausting.
You're exhausting, Bill.

Speaker 1 Well, I write back at you, man.

Speaker 1 I always love coming on, whatever you're doing, and hanging out or whatever there is. It's effortless, man.
You're one of the funniest guys I know.

Speaker 1 And you know that's sincere because I couldn't look at you when I did it. I know.

Speaker 1 Two Irish guys can't look at each other. You You can't look at each other.
That's another. All right, let me tell you something, you fucking punch.

Speaker 1 I love you to death. I wouldn't throw you in shite

Speaker 1 for all the fucking shillalis in fucking old tool town. That's another norm line.
He had a line once where he said, I went home to Christmas break.

Speaker 1 And it was all right, but at one point I accidentally made eye contact with my father.

Speaker 1 I know what he's talking about. Oh, yeah.
We all know what he's talking about. Oh, man, that guy.

Speaker 1 All right. Bill Burr, go in peace to love and serve the Lord or whatever.
That's it. All right.
Well, thank you guys so much for having me. And yeah, I don't know how to wrap this up.

Speaker 1 This is your job. That's it, everybody.
We'll be back after the break. We'll be right back.
You got to go buy a mattress. We'll tell you which one to get.
Sarah Michelle Geller when we return.

Speaker 1 Courtney Thorne Smith when we come back.

Speaker 1 I could go back to

Speaker 1 the way old shows that I did. Say, we got so-and-so next.
Yeah, yep. Come on.

Speaker 1 Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonoma of Session, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Frost, and Nick Liao.

Speaker 1 Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.

Speaker 1 Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.

Speaker 1 Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

Speaker 1 You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Cocoa hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message.

Speaker 1 It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at seriousxm.com slash Conan.

Speaker 1 And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

Speaker 1 Hey guys, it's Brian Baumgartner here from We Need a Forth here to tell you that we are joined this week by Sebastian Manascalco. You don't want to miss it.

Speaker 1 Listen to the latest episode of We Need a Forth, wherever you get your podcasts.