From Kitchen Worker to Sold-Out Shows: An Immigrant's Rise | Jiaoying Summers DSH #898

It's tough being an Asian going to school.

It's very hard.

A lot of anxiety.

Yeah, it's very it's it's hard to be Asian.

Ivy League or bust?

Yeah, you're not Ivy League, you should die.

Yeah, doctor, lawyer.

Yeah, or die.

Yeah, so were you fighting with your mom a lot?

I just give her money.

I just give her money.

Just paid her off.

She count the cash.

Meanwhile, she's counting and she's okay.

And I leave before she punched me.

All right, guys.

Jiao Ying Summers.

First Chinese comedian on the show and only Chinese comedian in the world, right?

Yeah, I'm so excited.

I killed all of them, so I'm the only one.

Yeah, you're the only funny one.

Thank God.

Chinese people got to step it up.

I know.

That's true.

Come on now.

I'm very happy to be here.

I came here for you.

Wow, I'm honored.

Yeah.

Means a lot.

And you brought your mom.

Well, yeah, I just, she was driving for me.

Okay.

Yeah, you shoved her in the back.

I don't know where she went.

I don't know.

Hopefully, she's not here anymore.

I don't want her to be here.

You get your humor from her?

No, my father.

But she beating me really helps.

Damn.

Yeah.

yeah my mom used to slap me too on the face it's important yeah piano right

piano and uh bad grades yeah i i get a minus she beat me yeah oh it's tough being an asian going to school it's very hard a lot of anxiety yeah it's it's very it's it's hard to be asian ivy league or bust yeah you're not ivy league you should die yeah doctor lawyer yeah or die yeah so were you fighting with your mom a lot i just give her money

I just give her money.

Just paid her off.

She count the cash.

Meanwhile, she's counting she's okay.

And I leave before she punched me.

So you paid her off?

Yeah, I paid her off.

Money, money, money.

Money is important.

A little hush money.

Yeah, it's important that the Asian moms hate you when you are not a doctor or lawyer, but when you can start making money, they don't care.

You can be a stripper.

They don't really care.

Like, my daughter, you know, it's

amazing.

Asian parents like to compare their kids with each other.

No, all day.

My mom's like, keep telling me why you are not mixed.

Mixed?

Mixed.

Because

mixed kids are cute, right?

They are so pretty, so tall.

Why are you not mixed?

I'm like, you fucked Chinese, but mom.

That's not really my fault.

Does she want you to date a mixed guy?

No, she wants me to date a guy who's tall and handsome and young at my age and successful.

I'm like,

they are gay.

Or married.

All the guys you want me to date is Garrett.

Like,

I'm a female comedian.

I'm a single mom.

Like, I am the least desirable woman on the market.

Nobody wants a woman who's opinionated,

who cannot keep her mouth shut.

You know, like I'm not in demand.

I should take anything that's gonna take me.

You know, I don't have

the position to pick and choose.

Plus you're in LA, right?

Oh, I'm a four in LA.

It's not easy.

It's hard.

Everybody's hot there.

Dude, yeah, they are known for being attractive there.

Yeah, it's not okay.

Yeah, it's it's been dating has been hard for me and I I don't know what to do sorry to hear that it's okay it's okay i am just focusing on my work okay i'm distracted it's nice nice right it's a pyramid to connect us spiritually it's beautiful yeah it's nice um

damn you use the apps or you use matchmakers uh apps sucks all the guys i met on the app

first of all i invite them to my show i'm like i'm crazy I want to know it.

This is not going to get better.

I don't want to be like pretending to be a nice girl and sweet and cute.

They're like, why?

You're like different now.

I'm like, this is who I am.

And then they pretend to be okay, but eventually they want to love about me.

Yeah.

I can feel love about me.

It's like, you don't even know me.

You know, like, you don't miss me.

We know each other for like two days.

I miss you.

I don't know why.

It's just like, guys, like in LA, especially, people are so vain.

And like 1% of the people are like successful.

Like you.

Those people are like, fine, cool.

But most of the people are like, they want to be there.

They are not there.

So they want to feel the rush of excitement, of

success.

They want to love somebody who they think is desirable.

And they want that person to love them back.

Right.

And they want that feeling to be validated by somebody who's desirable.

The moment you love somebody back, they're like, bye.

It goes next target.

Damn, it goes to you.

Yeah, because they don't have anything else happening in their life.

Wow.

All the joy and thrill is from

getting validation from,

I think the obsessed sex that is desirable that they can never get.

They would go for somebody that would never date them.

That's why I don't want to give any sympathy pussy anymore because

why?

It's just not it's not not work.

It's not working.

I'm just like

old nun I guess right now.

No sex right now?

I just met someone like

a few months ago.

We are like just start dating, but we are taking it really slow okay like that's the first guy who's like

i think he's first of all he's a real deal and he's uh

he wants nothing from me and like we he's not like a you know somebody who approach you they want something from you right but he doesn't want anything from because he's successful he's fine he's great comedian and no

oh no comedians you wouldn't date a comedian i don't think it will be working because if you are funnier than them they hate you if you're not they make fun of you

also being being a f female comedian, it's very hard to date.

It's like such a competitive thing.

Because being funny is very alpha.

If you go to a room, you make jokes, people laugh.

That's the alpha move.

So it just makes the man feel

like a simp.

Yeah.

So they don't, I don't, I don't think a female comedi male comedian can like me.

That is so true.

If my girl was making everyone laugh, I'd be like, damn.

Yeah.

Like, what's my role here?

Yeah.

That should be my job.

Yeah, I think it's just it's very hard to date as a female comedian.

It's very hard.

I understand why men don't want us.

It's okay.

Wow, the struggles.

Yeah, we got to hit up Nikki Glazer.

She must be struggling out here then.

Nikki has a man.

Oh, she does.

Her man, I think they are getting engaged.

Oh, she trapped the dick.

She does some tricks with those long giraffe legs.

She is tall with the legs.

She has legs all day.

Like, she has legs for days.

She got legs.

She's hot.

Yeah.

I love her.

She's wonderful.

And I found out, like, all of the goats loved me,

all shitty little bitches hate me.

Like, all the great comedians who's like,

they love me, they value me, they empower me, and they bring me on their platforms.

But, like, for all those people who are like not making it or like kind of having a bite, they talk shit about me all day.

And because I guess I because I move so fast, yeah, you came out of nowhere, right?

People hate me, but I bought my own club.

I invested, I fucked myself to the top.

Like, I I fucked me.

I bought my club for myself.

People don't get it.

They're like, oh, where do you come from?

I'm like, um,

I invest in myself.

Right.

I paid my dues every day.

I work harder than anyone I know, mainly because I don't speak English.

You do, though.

Kind of.

What kind of species are you?

I'm half Chinese.

Holy shh.

Yeah, half Irish, half Chinese.

That's Mexican as hell.

Mexican?

Really?

Because if you're half Chinese, half white, you don't age and you are suspicious right very handsome i am suspicious very handsome

you would really don't know like people can't even like do any racial survey in front of you because you don't know which one is gonna trigger you

so you are racially suspicious wow it's racist proof because people can't really say they can't say chink they can't say anything well i look hella asian so people called me chink growing up

you look

like the the the lead boy in crazy Russia Asians.

You are like the Asians Asian one look like.

You are like the Asians after the surgery.

You are like the K-pop boy.

Okay.

They all look white with smaller face, big eyes, and tall nose.

Yeah.

That's what Asian one looks like.

So you look like the hot Asians.

I was ugly in China.

Really?

You know, I have dark skin.

That's not desirable.

But in America, your skin's not dark.

If you don't have a tan, you are a broke hoe who cannot afford a vacation.

You are shitty.

So his beauty standards just really fucking.

Yeah, it changes.

When I went to China, I was 10 years old.

All the girls were hitting on me.

I know.

I'm talking like 18, 21-year-old girls.

I know.

It was weird.

Did they won breastfeeding?

No, I was the tallest one there already in fourth grade.

Being tall, being white, and have a tall nose, and like double-edit surgery is...

It was nuts.

They were asking me for photos.

Yeah.

Fourth grade.

Celebrity.

Dude, it was crazy.

Everybody's got a crazy crazy.

So I got no girls out here.

Are you kidding me?

I mean, definitely you got pussies.

No, I left high school a virgin.

I left college a virgin.

Oh, wait.

Yeah, my girl's watching this.

Yeah.

I left college.

No, I'm just kidding.

I left college a virgin.

I left a high school virgin too, for sure.

Because you can't really date in China in high school.

It's not about study, study, study.

The boys and girls can't even sit together.

It's very, very strict.

Yeah.

So you sat with girls?

Yeah, and I'm not gay.

I just, I'm dick serious.

I've never been curious.

I don't believe in pussy.

I mean, I do.

Pussy is powerful.

It produces babies and shit.

But I don't want to be with a woman.

I just, women are too smart.

I can't manipulate them.

Like, I can't.

There's no way.

You can't lie to a woman.

They figure it out.

They know.

Men, they kind of suspicious.

Like, when you give a good BJ, they forget everything.

They just like,

oh, what?

You know, they don't remember shit.

Men are so easy to manipulate.

Women, they just remember shit two years ago.

Like, you can't.

Yeah, you can't lie.

I don't have time for it.

I can't play with a woman.

You can't lie to them.

They'll figure it out.

They will figure it out.

Every time I've ever tried it.

I'm a feminist.

I don't want to be abusing a woman.

Ah, you're a feminist?

I had a daughter and I kept her.

I mean, okay.

That's a lot as a Chinese lady.

Yeah, one child policy.

Damn.

Wow.

Which one is Chinese?

Which one is Irish?

My mom's Chinese and my dad's Irish.

She was a white man.

She's Irish?

Irish?

He's Irish from Ireland?

Shit.

Yeah, yeah.

So

she went to Europe.

No, they met here.

They met through the newspaper out here.

Newspaper?

Yeah, that's how you dated in the 80s or 70s whenever they met I don't know 90s maybe

80s 90s yeah you were brutal yeah your mom's like

I'm 35

yeah she got them man that's amazing yeah Asian girls

I was never into Asian girls growing up were you into them or no no because your mom is

uh maybe my mom always wanted me to date Asian but also they they don't peak till kind of late so like in high school they're not yeah they're not that attractive in high school but they get if you're woody allen you would be very attracted to them right yeah

could be

yeah i don't know dating's a weird thing i've been in the same relationship for seven years now though wow congrats seven years is a long time

i know we're engaged how long

three and a half how how big is a ring two carats nothing too crazy nice how big is yours This is, I don't have my ring anymore.

I sold it after my divorce because I got no money.

Yeah.

But this is real diamond and it's okay.

It's not an engagement.

nobody is gonna put a ring on this.

You don't want to get married again?

I do, but nobody wants to marry me, and it's okay.

I understand.

What's the minimum carrot size they would need?

If you have a big dick, you have a smaller ring.

If you're dick small, honey, you better like what's considered small for you, small dick, four inches.

Okay, that's reasonable.

I hope I can do better.

Some girls have crazy standards.

Yeah, too big is not like, no, I don't need too big.

Okay, too big is like it's not okay.

What's too big, like nine?

Yeah, nine's too big.

So sweet spot's like six, seven boyfriend dick, they call it.

Yeah, that's cute.

What is like an eight?

Eight?

Eight's pretty big.

Damn.

So you want that.

I mean, I wouldn't cry if it's eight.

I will cry, but tear of joy.

Have you ever met an Asian that had an eight?

My ex had a seven.

Okay.

He's Chinese.

Wow.

It's the biggest Chinese dick, I'm pretty sure.

Yes.

And I got it.

It just like he ever since perfect, but he just wasn't right for each other.

Yeah, it was nice.

It was nice.

I hang my towel on his dick.

Okay.

You still talk to him?

No.

We talked through our lawyer, and whenever he picked the children, he goes through my maid.

That's okay.

One of those.

It's okay.

I didn't get any money from him.

I don't, I don't care.

I just wish, I just want a peace,

peace of mind, healthy boundary.

And I just, I really don't complain, but I just also don't want any drama.

Yeah.

If you are not giving me money, don't scream at me.

Right?

Like, that's the least I can ask for.

If I'm not getting money from from you don't scream at me fair enough did you meet him in china yes i was hosting this shanghai film festival and then how we met yeah that's we met it was romantic so before comedy before yeah before comedy wow 2017 before i was doing my first open mic so what caused you to jump into comedy john singleton oh he just uh he's a director did boys in the hood yeah i saw that one black

he's black okay and uh i auditioned for his tv show Rebel.

It's a police drama about a black girl who's a police, who's a cop.

And her best friend is a Chinese girl who knows Kung Fu.

It happened in Auckland.

And they want me to have an Oakland accent.

And I didn't have it.

Yeah, it's like black girl, black girl, Chinese girl, Kung Fu.

Police drama is like rush hour on a budget.

I was pretty close.

Zhang really liked me, liked my performance, but he was not happy with my accent.

But he's like, you should try to stand up.

You're going to be a star.

I'm like, do I have the job now?

He goes, hell no.

Leave.

So tried my first open mic after that.

I sucked.

It was bad.

It was shitty.

I look at this.

And that's why I feel like being a Chinese lady, having an abusive mom is like, it's very useful because you don't, like, you do sugarcoat shit.

It's bad, it's bad.

And it's important to know when you're bad.

When you know you are bad, you don't get depressed when people tell you you're ugly.

Look, you're ugly.

Or like, hey you're fat it's okay but i just feel like being having a chinese mom help us be like that sucks i fucking suck and it's okay i'll do better so i went on stage

i don't remember what i said and i feel like i was getting hit by a car like a during highlight and uh i remember people were like oh somebody should not be doing comedy That's disgusting.

Like learning English first, you know?

And I got off stage.

I knew it was bad.

And I I went to the bar.

I had vodka shots, you know.

I'm like, okay, let's do something about this.

So, I bought my club next month.

Wow, the next month.

Mm-hmm.

So, first of all, three weeks later, I bought my club.

So, I was doing 10 hours a day because I know I suck.

I got better, obviously.

But I don't want to be like, oh, it was great.

No, I was not.

It was disgusting.

Like,

getting over the fear of speaking public, trying to tell a joke is already a thing.

Getting over that is a lot of work.

Going into be funny at the moment is the next level.

It's something people don't understand.

They are so fragile.

I mean, in American culture,

you can be tough.

You have to give them like

give it soft.

And I don't believe in that.

I think that's why people are pussies now.

And they take all the fucking drugs.

And the PC culture,

you can't say somebody, hey, you're fat.

But you can tell, like, hey, you have a drinking problem.

Why?

It's the same thing.

You cannot control your love of a substance.

You love food too much and you love alcohol too much.

It's the same thing.

There's nothing shameful.

Or, like, it's

bad when you tell a short guy you are a short king.

That's abusive.

Because when you are a fat bitch, you can lose weight.

But you're short, there's nothing to do about it.

It's like a telling girl, hey, you're fat, you're a dairy queen.

No,

right?

That would be wrong.

You're fat, shaming me.

How about short, shaming?

fat you're lazy you can't control yourself you are weak but short he was born that way right you know i just feel like people are just like there's nothing wrong being fat like when in china in the tang dynasty being fat is a beauty standard when you are fat means you are rich you have food so being like a

being fat and it's just like a sexy and beautiful so it's it's really like an I just don't think a fat is ugly.

It's not.

It's just like right now, let's just be honest, the most guys like skunky, skinny bitches, and that's what they do.

They like skinny bitches with big titties, big big titties, and that's what they do.

And it's fine.

There's guys like fat girls.

It's all fine.

But

if it's to a point that it's a health concern, I just don't think it would be like a taboo to say, hey,

maybe you should, you know, drink less.

Maybe you should eat less.

Yes.

Because it's unhealthy.

But that's like, oh.

you are fat shaming.

I think it's so weak.

It's weak.

Yeah.

My Asian mom was super honest with me growing up.

Yeah, she tell your friends that they're fat right oh yeah yeah like it's just i don't think it's bullying it's just that we have tiny eyes but we can see and whatever we are seeing is what we're seeing yeah like last night my mom was like don't have dinner i'm like what she goes you're getting fat don't have dinner you know you are single you don't you can't afford to be fat because the likelihood is that you're gonna get a man if you lose more weight

yeah she would determine my girlfriends for me She will tell you which one is ugly, right?

Yeah.

Tell me.

Like, what is the first girlfriend she'll bring a girlfriend home.

Yeah, I brought her home.

She was like, what the fuck?

She didn't like her.

She was on drugs and stuff too, so that makes sense.

The girlfriend's on drugs?

Yeah.

Mom can tell.

Yeah.

She's a she's sharp.

Yeah, she's sharp.

So, yeah, she would have a say in my friends and my dating life.

Well, it turned out she's doing a good job because you are so successful now.

Yeah, I'm super selective with my friends and it worked out.

But at the time, I hated it.

You know, I couldn't bring home certain people.

Did your mom do that too?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

She would just tell my friend, you look like a cheap hooker.

Get out of my house.

Damn.

She was that honest?

Yeah.

And one time I forgot my key.

I was knocking my door with my friend.

We were going to come home and do my homework.

My mom slapped me on my face.

Wow.

Why did you lose your key?

My friend cried and ran away.

Holy crap.

My mom was like,

I'm like, mom, she's weak.

I'm like, that's right.

You can't be friends with her.

I'm like, I don't never talk to her anymore.

I'm like, why would you run away?

Like, if my mom beat me, you're my friend.

You should be there with me.

But I'm running away like a little pussy.

Yeah, you need to stand up.

What about your dad?

Was he rough?

No, he's drunk all the time.

I don't remember him being rough.

He's always drunk.

Your dad was an alcoholic?

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Oh, yeah.

I didn't know that was an Asian thing.

I've never heard of an Asian being an alcoholic.

Me either.

What was it?

So

Baijio.

What is that?

Like a white liquor, like a bow tai.

Okay.

Yeah, he's always drunk.

He's very handsome, though.

Okay.

Yeah, my father is gorgeous.

He's dealing with some stuff, huh?

Yeah, I love, yeah, I love.

I mean, he is very well read.

He read books.

He is very knowledgeable.

But he's just drunk.

Damn.

He's drunk his whole life.

Sounds like my dad.

He's getting better now.

My dad used to read a book a day and drink a 30-pack of beer a day.

Oh, his beer, beer guy.

Mine is like a hot liquor.

Oh, yeah, those are rough.

Is that bad?

Damn.

You drink soju?

It's kind of like a soju.

It's a Chinese version of it.

I like soju.

Soju is good.

It sneaks up on you, though.

I like warm ones.

Oh, you like warm?

I like the cold soju.

Oh, nice.

Yeah, it sneaks out

we should have a cream barbecue

yeah cream barbecue is fun yeah we have the meat and the soju like what kind of species is your girlfriend she's bolivian and paraguayan latina oh i'm seeing a latino man oh yeah yeah kids are gonna be interesting same with you if you have more kids

i want more kids you want more yeah why not they're like french fries you can how many you want three no i want make sure my vagina is still very tight two is maximum but i would do one i think one because i already have two did you recover your vagina from the oh my god ace not back like this.

If I knew it, I would leave my husband right away.

Oh, wow.

Because we were not in a good shape.

And I'm like, but now my vagina is loose.

I have just put it.

Damn, it didn't recover.

My vagina came back.

Oh, it did come back.

It recovered.

Okay.

It's so tight right now.

And that's why I trapped this new.

Nice.

Yeah, I heard you could get stem cells now, too.

If it stays loose for too long, you can tighten it up with stem cells.

Oh.

Should it be tighter?

I don't know.

I think it's a good idea.

Yeah, Asians are already tight, I heard.

Asian, very tight.

Yeah, I'm very, that's not the department I worry about.

It's me.

It's the mouth.

I talk.

Yeah.

That's how I lose, man.

My vagina snatch them, catch them.

My mouth opens up and they leave.

If I just don't talk, if I just learned to not talk, I'd be married.

Wow.

Yeah.

So you gotta,

you gotta study under the monks or something and learn how to meditate, maybe.

Yeah, if I don't talk, I'd be having the best man.

Wow, you'd be a billionaire, probably.

Oh, yeah, oh, for sure.

Just like I cannot keep my whole mouth shut and that's the problem.

Yeah.

Wow.

So your mouth has gotten you into some situation.

Yeah.

My mouth is the reason why men leave.

My pussy is why they stay.

Wow.

Wow.

But would you rather have it that way or the other way around?

I think it's hard for me to change because I make a living talking and I really cannot be consistent.

I'm a piece of shit on stage and off stage.

It should be consistent.

So I'm waiting for a man who can

probably who can't really hear having hearing problems to survive me.

You know, somehow, some man is gonna, I don't know.

I have crazy friends, like very, very aggressive, overbearing women, really, powerful woman, aggressive, and they still have a nice man, hmm, like a judge Judy.

Some guys don't like to be the alpha, judge Judy's husband and her are very much in love.

Really?

Wow, yeah, Judge Judy's an alpha.

Yeah, she's definitely an alpha, and uh, Jerry is very much in love with her.

And I, when I talked to them, and she told me how they met, she goes,

I spot him at the bar.

I walked him, I touched his chin, I'm I'm like, Ew.

What's your number?

He goes, Don't touch me.

She goes, Oh, yeah, I'm touching you.

That's

she pursued him.

Happily married forever.

Damn.

Yeah, I want that man.

I want my jury.

Okay.

Are you the pursuer of the man?

Maybe they're rubbing the dick.

I'm like, you're mine.

I'm as a Chinese woman.

I'm not.

I'm kind of very, very, very, very weird combination.

I'm very aggressive, very ambitious, very hardworking, very independent.

I don't spend men's money.

I mean, if you want to buy me shit i'll just take it but i'm not i don't so gifts are not your love language it is but i buy things for men okay like if you buy it for me i like it but if you don't buy it for me if you are spending time with me i'm happy but i'll be buying you shit and i don't expect you return your favor you're a sugar mama oh yeah yeah if you have a good dick you're gonna get showered if it's relaxed wow like i don't yeah i just i just i love I love buying men nice things.

And that's why I cannot be love bomb.

You know, like, I don't know the difference.

And then they waste my time.

So

I'm very alpha, but at the same time, I'm very traditional, and I don't want to pursue men.

I try to like stop myself when I'm trying, like, oh my god, he's okay.

Oh, I'm like, shit.

Is there an age limit for you?

Yeah.

55 is kind of like too much for me.

Okay.

What about the other way?

I can't do 25.

Like, I feel like

a

pervert.

I just feel like I'm breastfeeding them.

Yeah, it's 25 is young.

I can't do.

28 is still young for me, but I'll.

So I'm off the table then.

How old are you?

27.

You're over 25.

Yeah, you'll be fine.

Alright.

What do the tattoos mean on your own?

It's a Chinese thing.

It's that the way of the heaven moves, a gentleman, that's sexist, Confucius, whatever.

Iching, a gentlewoman should work hard like the way the heaven moves.

And

the way the earth moves.

A gentleman or a gentlewoman should always have a great moral to carry on his success, her success as well.

Wow, that's trying to be, trying not to be like, it's about hardworking and be a great person.

If you are hard working, you can achieve success.

But if you are a shithole, piece of shit asshole, you cannot maintain your success.

You are going to

lose in the long run if you are not a good person.

Agreed.

Yes, I try to live by

I Ching.

Yeah, Chinese people work damn hard, man.

Yeah, we do.

We do.

Queen of comedy.

Yeah, yeah, you manifest.

You do.

I mean, it's aggressive, but you're chasing the crown?

Yeah, I mean, I will live forever.

One day I will become the queen of comedy because I'm a Chinese woman.

When they all die, I'll still be on stage in my 90s telling dick jokes about how my pussy is so dry, you know.

Like,

maybe I will be the queen of comedy that day.

Asian people don't age, so you can still look good.

You can have a long career and look good.

Yeah, I mean, I will.

I will.

Yeah, we got that on our side.

You've got no gray hairs yet.

Not yet.

Not yet, because I don't give a fuck.

You can't give a fuck.

If you do, you have gray hair.

Yep.

I agree.

And what's the one on your hand on the right hand?

So that's the name of the female, the only woman emperor of China in Tang Dynasty, Wu Ze Tian.

she was the emperor of Tang Dynasty when China was at its best, the most prosperous dynasty.

She's a woman.

She ruled China for over 50 years.

Okay.

And she's not a queen.

Nobody rules outside of her.

She's an emperor, and she had

concubines, male concubines.

What's up?

That's men.

Calcubines.

She has like 20 boys, like her.

Oh, it's like a sister

lovers.

Oh, like a damn like a male like you know concubine is when a king has 3,000 concubine the woman who serve him she has male concubines who serve

yeah eat her pussy I mean what that's a full-time job like yeah because the king in China they have 3,000 wives right holy crap she had like 20 at least a man young beautiful man who's great with everything

What a life.

I mean, nobody's like her.

Nobody before, nobody after.

Damn.

It's just.

I mean you're next I want to this is the name I don't want that much dick I'm very conservative when it comes to I believe in love which is disgusting but I kind of do

so that's the name she gave herself is pronounced as Zhao I mean it's the character is

you know right the sun yua is a the moon kuong is the sky so she invented this character for herself is that my power is above the moon and the sun and the sky it means ultimate power ambition so i want to whenever something awful happens in my life, I feel powerless.

I want this character and her spirit to pump into my blood and give me power and energy.

So I don't.

Because it's very hard.

I mean,

doing this in my second language as a woman of color and an immigrant all by myself, it's just, it's hard.

People hate me.

They really do.

And I just need to give myself.

the power and energy to carry on to just keep doing what I'm doing.

That's deep.

I love to watch Get on on the digital social hour.

You're here.

And I'm here.

I mean, you were with LeBron last week, so.

Yes.

I don't think I'm topping that one.

Yeah.

LeBron and LeShawn.

LeBron and Sean.

I'll take it.

Being mentioned.

How many percentage are you?

Are you black?

Like, how many percent?

It didn't say.

I took a DNA test.

It didn't even pop up.

So it's super small.

Okay, maybe like 2%.

Yeah, probably like that.

Yeah.

I'll take it though.

Yeah.

You know?

LaShawn.

Being black is cool.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Being invited to the cookout is fun.

Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

I can hang.

I can eat a lot.

I got to see you at the Korean barbecue spot.

See if you can get it.

We have to go.

Oh, I eat it like a pig.

Yeah.

I just had, I just was at

Macy Gray's house.

She was on my podcast last night.

She was teaching me how to sing.

How to sing.

Yeah.

Nice.

You good or no?

No, I suck, but she tried to make me like I'm good.

She's very sweet.

Yeah, singing and dancing.

If you have that in your bag, I mean, you're the life of the party, you know?

I can't sing, but I can drink.

If you could drink, that's a good party skill for you.

Yeah, I drive everybody home after you drunk drive,

but I am the soberest of all of them.

Okay, you could turn a switch, right?

Yeah, I can turn a switch.

Like, I have my girlfriends

throwing up, passing out.

I'm just like, let me drive you home because I don't want you guys.

You could hang.

That's the Asian in you kicking in.

Yeah, I just like, okay.

I'm like, okay, it's for us to drive.

I'm like, okay.

That's just like who's going home first.

So I'm driving everybody home.

I'm the mom.

I don't, I think I have very strong, strong will.

That really really helps me to

maintain uh myself i guess like

if i am traveling

non-stop no sleep for 24 hours i have to do a show to a thousand people

i'll be like okay

we need a reserve energy to come out and just like to do it so amazingly after that we can pass out i can do i can go there and be like i just woke up from a long

sleep and then after i'm done i'm done i'm like checked out checked out so whenever i need to do something i behave like i i perform whenever there's something like i got so excited for some big stuff i'm like let's sleep we had to sleep so i'm like listen we had a sleep for three hours and that's all we got we're gonna sleep i'm gonna sleep i i don't like lose my sleep i don't really need any drugs to like calm down i mean i'm kind of too crazy to calm down too intense because i don't think i can ever do cocaine because i'm already like on coke yeah i can't picture that actually like me as a person, I'm like Yeah, you're already really energized.

Is that coffee?

Yeah.

Okay.

So yeah, you're already, you know, really energized.

Yeah, I don't think I can do Coke.

I tried a mushroom one time.

Oh, how'd that go?

It was actually in Vegas at Suji's at Suji's house.

It just, I want to throw up.

Yeah, I threw up when I did it.

Yeah, I want to throw up.

I sleep.

That's

it.

Well, you know why, right?

It grows on cow shit.

What?

Mushrooms grow on cow shit.

Ew.

Yeah, so you want to throw up because of that.

Oh, gross.

Is that Asian thing?

We just don't know.

No.

I just, now I micro-dose.

I don't do the full doses.

How much is micro-dosing?

0.25.

Can I have some?

I don't have any.

No, I don't think you do.

But I got you.

You are underage.

You don't have to.

No, I do.

It helps.

I'd be curious if you performed on some mushrooms or micro-dose.

I haven't.

I should try.

Yeah, it might work.

I haven't.

I haven't.

Because I just had some at her house and I threw up.

So I never tried again.

How much did you eat?

I don't know.

Damn.

Not much.

What a friend right there.

I don't remember.

She sued me and I snatched it.

I just ate ate it.

She goes, Stop it.

It's just like, you can't do the whole thing.

I'm like,

I don't feel anything when I start crying and swinging up.

Guys, you don't like uppers, you don't like psychedelics.

What about downers?

What's downers?

Xanax,

anti-pain, anti-inflammatory.

You mean back then?

Yeah, she took my dental work and the doctor gave me one bottle and I had like a half.

I'm like, I like to feel the pain.

Pain make me feel excited.

Wow.

Like,

if you don't choke me,

you're kinky in bed.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

I mean, I'm crazy.

You got a whip?

No, not that far yet.

But

probably I have to go there one day.

But

I like rough sex.

Damn.

And romantic sex.

If I like a guy, I like everything.

If I don't like them, I'm like, come on the wall.

Leave.

You know, I'm very romantic.

Same.

Yeah, I just like

very romantic.

I believe in romance.

And that's why it's very hard for me to survive in LA because people have open relationship.

Yeah.

They had one night stand stand or friends with benefits i can't do that i'm like how can i

yeah there's very little love in la

yeah friends with benefits you've never done it no yeah i can't do it never done it i i just i don't i it doesn't make me happy i don't i don't get turned on i can't even do a threesome wow because somebody's gonna die like i would be like a great athleism and then like uh My boyfriend's gonna start fucking that girl.

I'll be like, you are a fucking slut.

I'm gonna like beat them up or something.

Yeah.

I just, I'm i'm so insecure i can't do it i'm so like romantic i've been writing him loves poetry wow i don't i can't i just can't do it and

and it's la everybody's like into three yeah i'm surprised you live there i don't know why i live in arcadia hmm yeah your energy doesn't give me la vibes What does it give?

Manhattan.

I think so, right?

East Coast.

Very New York.

Yeah, I mean, I'm by coastal.

I stay in New York every month.

You like the guys over there better?

No, they don't like me, though.

I do like them, but they don't like me.

Yeah, I don't.

I have this comedian guy who's flirting with me for like two years.

I never fucked him because I'm like, he has to earn my pussy.

And then when he told me, I love you.

Next day, I found out he's married.

Whoa.

I'm like, you gotta be fucking kidding me.

Damn.

But I mean, I'm not invested because we never had sex.

I just,

yeah, I mean, they suck too.

Wow.

Yeah, I feel like even man who's attractive and successful, they would always choose to be with a nice, beautiful woman who don't talk shit.

Yeah, so here's the thing.

A woman's a representation of the man.

Yeah.

Like, I would...

If a man don't really love me, they would think I'm embarrassing.

That's what I mean.

Yeah, if you say the wrong joke, it doesn't hit with the person.

Yeah, I was invited to perform for Robert F.

Kennedy for his

fundraiser earlier in Beverly Hills.

They're like, it'd just be you.

We love the way way you are.

So they want to see my jokes.

I send over.

They're like, no, you can't.

You can come and eat, but

I'm not going on stage.

I'm like,

so like, sometimes I regret for me to not tone it down a little bit.

Sometimes I'm like, you know what?

I'm a piece of shit.

I have to be consistent.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You'll find that balance.

Yeah.

Yeah.

One more kid.

So how are you doing?

Do you want the kids?

Yeah.

How many?

Three.

Cute.

Yeah, three kids.

Do you have a younger brother and sister?

Only child.

Oh.

You mom will carry the cat policy to America.

Nah, because I was lonely as fuck growing up.

Yeah, it was kind of traumatized.

Exactly.

Yeah, I want at least two.

They could be together.

Because only child, that could go really bad.

Like, I could have been a different person, drug addict or whatever.

Yeah.

So lonely.

You know how it was.

You were the only child, too, right?

No, I had a younger brother and a sister to abuse.

Oh, wow.

So you were mean to them?

No, they were stupid.

It's not really my fault.

My sister is like a little slow, so I beat her when she's not good at math.

my brother

you know positive he has a penis he's a boy so they like him you couldn't beat him up i don't think he's smart no i can beat him but i don't beat boys

yeah asians don't measure yeah it's all about intelligence with asians yeah he's not really smart it's okay

you like china or u.s better It's different, you know, like the friendship in China is very different.

When you have a real friend, friend, it's like a rat or die.

It's like a family.

Like you can talk about money.

But in America, talking about money is like

the taboo.

Taboo, yeah.

And I don't like it because I feel like a money

is a factor to determine

friendships and relationships.

Friendships, love, family.

Like I, I support my whole family, my grandparents, my grandma, I mean, my grandma, grandpa, my father, my mom, my children, even my dog, you know.

I mean, I I had to feed him because you can't starve them because they're fed in LA.

They're like so important, you know.

I just, I feel like money is important.

When you don't talk about money, it just sounds weird to me.

I don't, I don't understand.

And like, you can't borrow money from your friends.

You can't lend money to your friends.

It's weird.

You know, like, and

there's share the bills in.

in dating that disgusts me.

My pussy dries so fast.

Like, I'll pay for dinner.

I'm happy to pay for dinner.

I can't share the bill.

Like, I cannot do it.

What if it's the first date?

The man should pay.

Okay.

Or, like, the harder one should pay.

You should not pay.

If, if

I am taking Timzy Shamale out, right?

I'll be like, I'm giving you dinner.

You are giving me herpes.

You know, like, it's not like, yeah, that makes sense.

The harder one don't pay.

That's what I'm saying.

Like, the harder one should not pay.

Yeah, I heard girls don't like when you split the bill.

The first date?

No, that's like, hell no.

Yeah, it's all.

And my third date, I paid.

And I want to.

I want to treat him.

I took him out to a nice restaurant and I pay for it.

I don't want him to pay.

So I called ahead to pay it, to put my credit card down before he can have a chance.

I like, I'm not cheap.

I just, as a Chinese woman, I don't want people to be like, we're going to...

Fuck later, but now we're going to share the bill.

That's disgusting.

That is gross.

Yeah.

My pussy is so dry just thinking about it.

I'm just like so pissed off.

Damn.

I don't think you would ever share a bail the first date.

I don't think I ever have.

No.

No, you wouldn't do that.

The Chinese are gonna choke you.

Yeah.

The Chinese ancestors are gonna fucking kill you.

They would come for me.

They will make your dick soft.

They'll be like, you can share the bail with the girls, but you won't fucking be fucking tonight.

Yeah, they'll be my

damn.

You're not on Raya?

Let me show you.

They banned you.

Let me show you, Ryan.

You spoke up to you, didn't you?

They put me on a waiting list since

many, many years ago.

What?

They don't want comedians.

Really?

Yeah, you have to refer me.

Yeah, I'll get you on there.

Can you talk to them?

Yeah, I know someone there.

Can you believe it?

Well, if it's been years, that means they are intentionally not letting you on.

Yeah, if it's been...

Wow, seven referrals.

Yeah.

Can you talk to them?

I'll try.

I'm texting you.

I mean, I really don't need to be on it, but why not?

Yeah, that one I heard is decent.

yeah are you no you're dating I'm yeah I'm in a relationship yeah I don't I don't I'm not gonna go there and date but I'm gonna go there and peek and just like write about it yeah I would use it to network yeah why not yeah joke about it could get some good jokes off there probably some good stories because yeah my jokes are everybody yeah what what audience do you have is it Asians mainly not really it's very very diverse um I would say 20% Asian comedian

audience yeah okay but Asians love me obviously like uh we we sell out fast in San Francisco Seattle but

we can sell out in places like texas like anywhere

uh raleigh north carolina like my audience are asian

black white latino gay and lesbian lgbtq community yeah yeah they love me i don't know why because i talk about everybody but they do love me they like a diva I think they just do.

So my audience are just the United States of America, which is pretty lucky because I can play anywhere.

I don't have to be like, I'm the Asian comedian.

The Asians don't claim me.

Absolutely.

They love me.

The Asians love me.

They do.

You got a special out yet?

I have the 30 minutes on Peacock.

We are doing my one hour right now with the Field Network.

I'm just debating which one I should go with.

So it's going to be major.

That's a big move.

It's big.

I was, when I was a few years in, I was like,

I want to be famous.

And I'm like, I'm good.

I want the best.

I want to get the best to my people, not in a hurry.

But it's going to come out soon.

So we are negotiating contracts now.

Hell yeah.

Negotiating contracts right now with my lawyer.

Correct.

Stay tuned, guys.

Stay tuned.

Yes.

Yes.

That's a big deal.

Not a lot of comedians get to that level.

So you're already doing better than 99%.

I try.

I try.

You know, when you don't speak English, you really have an advantage.

Plus, when you buy a club, I mean, I've never heard of someone taking that route.

That's how much I love it.

I love comedy so much.

I bought myself a club.

Right.

Because I know people that work in clubs for 10 years and then get famous, but never buying it.

Yeah.

We're really hard to look at people and wait for them to give you a chance.

You will own it.

You can go on stage and bomb daily.

Nobody can say anything.

So you were just losing money, but you were getting better.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, for sure.

I love it.

Yeah.

I mean, I knew how bad I am, and I need to be on stage every day for 10 hours per day until I stop bombing.

Damn.

I need to stop.

Nobody seems to be bombing in public because when I came out, I'm like...

Yeah, I did it in private.

I love it.

And now you're sold out.

You got a tour right now, right?

Yeah.

It's selling out just like my husband's.

Wow.

You only had one husband, I thought.

Oh, honey.

Two?

Damn.

My first one is my college sweetheart.

He's the one that's got away.

He's Russian.

Russian.

From Kentucky.

He's a communist.

It's a connection.

Well, China's communist.

You know, I see him coming.

One day he gets invaded my pussy.

I'm like, okay.

Was that one of your shows?

No, he never came to my show.

He, um, we, we, we broke up

before I started comedy.

Oh, okay.

But he's a sweetheart.

He's a nice one.

I wish him the best.

Shout out to him.

He's not taking me back, obviously.

But he's engaged.

Oh,

he's engaged.

The one that got away.

But third time's the charm, they say.

I know.

I think you got this next one.

My Latino couldn't work.

It's my first Latino man.

Yeah, Latino Asian could be a cool mix.

I hope so.

I hope he's not going to find out.

I mean, he's eventually going to find out what about me that's irritating, but either he's going to like it or not.

You know, it depends.

I'm too old to change.

So I'm waiting for the right guy or no one.

I feel that.

You've been watching the Olympics?

Oh, yeah.

China's doing pretty good.

They are.

China and U.S.?

Yeah, they do well.

China and U.S., I mean, it's a big country.

We have to choose the best to represent us.

Surprising because Chinese people aren't athletic, but they're doing...

The ones who are in the team, they have a lot of resource to train every day.

Right, work ethic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a work ethic.

But most people are not really into sports.

But if they are in the team, they have to bring...

honor and glory back to to to the motherland right they put them in a sweatshop yeah yeah work 18 hours a day You have to work hard.

That's what I noticed about me because I wasn't athletic, but I could work hard.

Yeah, it's your Chinese mom.

Yeah.

It's your ancestors.

For sure.

It's just that it's in your blood.

Yeah.

If your girl wants to go all night, you do it.

If my girl wanted it?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

You do it.

Yeah.

If you just have to do it, you do it.

Yeah.

I've done it.

Yeah.

How long?

How many times?

A night?

Most I've done in a day.

It's six.

That's pretty good.

Not bad, right?

Not bad.

It's been a while, but.

Do you think it's from the the Chinese or from the Irish?

Mmm, Chinese, I'd say.

Irish is more drunk.

You know, what's your go-to drink?

My go-to drink when I used to drink was tequila sunrise.

That was pretty basic.

Takita is good for you.

Yeah, tequila.

Takita doesn't give you hangover.

Yeah, I would never get them.

Takita is good.

My friend Suji has a maiden tequila at her place.

I'm going to go back and taste a few of the different tequilas.

Yeah, it's hard to be tequila.

I've only gotten a hangover twice in my life.

That's good.

It's Irish and Chinese in here.

Yeah, I could drink non-stop.

You don't drink anymore?

Nah.

How long have you been not drinking?

Five years?

Five years?

Yeah.

Nice.

That's great.

I went through a whole phase in college, but yeah, I'm out of it.

Yeah, I used to drink, and I'm, I wouldn't say sober, but I just don't really drink anymore.

Yeah, I'm at that spot.

Like, I'm going on a cruise next week.

I'll have a drink, but I'm not going to get drunk.

It was just like, it's so,

I was Monday, I went to this hot yoga.

It was so intense.

I felt so high.

And I got so high after stage.

I was like,

I'm feeling great.

You know, I don't want to

don't know what I'm doing.

Don't feel it.

I want to feel it 100%.

Yeah.

Hot yoga.

I like that y'all.

And sober sex is the best.

It is.

Drunk sex

doesn't feel as good.

Yeah, it's just like you don't remember as much.

It feels good

because you don't remember it as much.

Sometimes you don't remember it at all.

Yeah, it's not good.

Yeah.

Yoga is a good spot to meet girls.

Oh, yeah.

I tell all my single guy friends, go to hot yoga at lifetime.

You're the only guy there, 20 girls.

Yeah, and they all care about their body.

Yeah, they're all pretty physically attractive.

So, if you're watching this, guys, go to hot yoga.

High yoga is where you go.

I strained my neck last time.

You make me look so old because you are so young.

You're young.

I look old next to you.

Really?

Asians are hard to tell, you know.

I've gotten 20, I've gotten 40.

No, you look 20.

Yeah,

oh shit.

Oh, okay.

I mean, I look good for

whatever.

I don't know how old you are, but I look good for a comedian.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, a lot of comedians.

It's rough.

I mean,

it's hard a competition.

Yeah, they're getting older now, all the good ones.

Yeah.

There's not really...

There's some up-and-comers.

Matt Reif and Schultz is young, I guess.

He's pretty beautiful.

Yeah, Matt Reif is pretty beautiful.

He's gotten a lot of girls.

Yeah, he's a Pussy Whisper.

Yeah, have you

collaborated with him?

Yeah,

we work a lot at the Laugh Factory, and I booked him on the first show for uh at my comedy club.

Um oh you booked him for OnlyFans comedy show.

Oh nice.

Yeah, I produced it at my comedy club.

My ref and I we were the we were the first uh comedy show for them I produced.

Wow.

I know him.

So you knew him before he blew up or?

Yeah, I knew him before he blew up.

Oh yeah.

Right before.

I mean well a few years before but uh

when we did that show, it was probably three or four months before.

Okay.

He just remember he was in the green room like literally fucking upset'cause he had like a hundred ninety thousand followers followers on instagram and his instagram is banned what yeah it's just like something you post you know people hate so it's banned and he's like really upset and then three months later

did you see him blowing up like that

can i see it from far away yeah i i can see it because he's he's a comedy nerd he started when he's like 17.

So he's only like his late 20s, but he's been doing it for over 10 years.

10 years, yeah.

And he truly just

love it.

And he's a pretty boy, but he just truly loved comedy.

And people hate him.

But

it's just

not fair because

I can't imagine me doing comedy when I'm 17.

I wouldn't even know what I'm going to do.

So he just, he's coding Colin, George Carlin, when he's 17.

He's Instagram.

Like, he, that's what he wanted his whole life.

Yeah.

And he worked for it.

And

over 10 years, for somebody who's talented and really handsome, it can happen.

And it happens.

Yeah, it goes.

And TikTok picked up.

You know, it just haters just need to chill the fuck out.

Yeah, he used to get a lot.

Yeah.

Speaking of TikTok, you got banned off TikTok, right?

What'd you do?

I just bitched about it.

What do you mean?

My lawyer wrote a letter, and then they kind of Jewish lawyers are the best, hashtag Jewish lawyers.

So now everything's better.

Because

I felt whenever I got defeated as an Asian in me, I wanted to be like, oh, what should we do?

Let's just be true and don't cause problems.

But like the

crazy boss bitch in me, be like, no,

no,

no, no, I'm not.

No, I'm not okay.

I'm not okay.

I'm going to be talking.

I'm going to fix this.

I just feel like

not subtle is one of the advice I can give young artists.

or entrepreneurs because I'm also an entrepreneur.

I just don't subtle.

There's always a way.

When there's a will, there's a way.

You can figure it out.

If I can do this without speaking English, you can do it.

Way better than I can do it.

Yeah.

Way better.

Props to you.

Yeah, way better.

I just feel like

nothing I do is special.

But the thing special about me is like, I

just don't give up.

Yeah, my mom, same thing, came here from China, didn't speak English, 20 bucks in her pocket.

Used to scrub the floors,

20 grand in her bank.

Now she's a millionaire.

Yeah.

Yeah, $20 in her pocket, scrubbed the kitchen floors, did the dishes, didn't speak English.

Yeah, when I worked in the kitchen too, restaurant.

When you don't speak English, you have to clean the bathroom too.

Your waiter clean bathroom, cashier, you do everything because they bully you.

Right.

Because you don't have a green card.

You don't know better, right?

You don't have a green card.

Right.

You are working illegally, so you have to be doing everything.

I did all of it.

Damn.

That's why I don't, when I was in college, I want to learn finance.

I'm like, I one thing I don't want to be is being poor.

I don't want to be poor.

I'll be rich.

And before I'm an artist, I'll be having money.

I don't believe in starving artists.

I just don't believe in it.

You're too stressed to perform at your best.

Exactly.

And

whenever you're performing, auditioning, doing anything, you have an agenda.

You want to get paid.

Right.

And that's not going to work.

It doesn't align.

No.

You are going to go to audition and be like, please help me perform your...

No.

No.

I don't believe in it.

I just don't believe it.

I don't struggle.

I never struggled as an artist because

I just don't believe in being starving and a creative.

I agree.

You got that safety net you could fall back on.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm the same way.

That's the problem with a lot of podcasters, actually.

They rely on it to make money.

No, you have to have fun with it.

You have to.

And all the top shows have fun.

Yeah, you have to do the best and have fun.

Yep.

Xiaoyang, it's been cool.

Where's your next performances and where can people find you?

Oh my God.

Friday, I'm going to Kirkland,

Washington, Costco.

Micah of Asian church.

We go to church on Sunday, which is Costco.

You go to church?

That's the Asian church, Costco.

Wow.

I go to Costco on Sundays.

Nice.

To buy dicks in bulk.

I'm kidding.

Anything in bulk.

And then we have Chicago, we have Vancouver, Portland, Oregon.

I mean, everywhere.

I'm coming all over America.

Summerscomedy.com.

We have a massive tour.

We're going international.

So I'll be all over.

Well, link blah.

Thanks for coming on.

Thank you for having me.

Yep.

Thanks for watching, guys, as always.

See you next time.