Turn Your Inner Critic Into Your Greatest Coach | Lisa Bilyeu DSH #740

And I said, my dad gave birth to my grandmother.

Which of course I meant my grandmother gave birth to my father.

In that moment, I was like, just laugh, Lisa.

So I was like, well, that would be weird.

Right?

You laugh, I laugh, I moved on.

And that was the first moment that I was like, oh my God, my negative voice can help me.

And now what I can actually say is the critic in my head has become my coach.

All right, guys, we got Lisa Billy here today.

We made it happen.

Thanks for coming on.

What up, dude?

We did make this happen.

So excited.

Absolutely.

Been trying to get you on, and it worked out with the new book launch.

We did it.

We did it.

Yeah, buddy.

I want to talk about the book.

So chapter six, make your negative voice your bitch.

Let's start there.

All right.

So my negative voice was holding me back from everything.

So I ended up staying, being a stay-at-home wife for eight years, and it wasn't my dream.

But every time I went to make a change or speak up to say that I wasn't happy, the negative voice originally actually was consoling me.

So it's like after the first year, it's like, it's okay, you've got a husband that loves you, you know, the gratitude of it, you've got a roof over your head, you're so grateful.

But over time, when I was not talking or speaking up year after year, by like year six, year seven, that voice became extremely negative and it used gratitude as toxic gratitude.

So every time I was saying, I'm not happy, maybe I'll tell my husband, I'm not happy, maybe I'll speak up.

That voice in my head was like, how ungrateful are you?

How ungrateful are you that you want more when you have a husband that loves you?

So the gratitude piece that really helped me now became the real toxic thing.

And I think that that's the thing that holds so many of us back is we have a belief system, we tell ourselves a story.

So anytime we try something new, we want to speak up, we want to set a boundary, that voice in our head is

screaming at you and telling you something negative.

Now, what I realized was...

I'm such a person that loves to set goals and then move towards them.

So what happened?

Does this serve me, my goal, or does it not serve my goal?

Once I looked at my negative mindset and I said, this doesn't serve me.

It holds me back from doing anything I ever want to do.

How the hell do I change that narrative?

So I was like, okay, what if I saw my negative voice as my ego or my best friend?

Because really, the ego, if you kind of just the studies that I've done, the ego is really there to protect you.

It's there to prevent you from falling on your face, embarrassing yourself, feeling the shame, feeling the guilt.

So it protects you by telling you you shouldn't do that.

You're not good enough.

But then I pivoted to be like, okay, if it was my best friend, Sean, how would I receive her?

Now, my best friend, I don't want her to BS me.

I don't want her to tell me lies.

I want her to be honest with me.

So if I'm about to do something, my best friend's like, look, Lisa, maybe you're not prepared for it.

She really wants what's good for me.

So I pay attention to my friend.

I was like, okay, maybe she's right.

So if I treated my negative voice as my best friend, I would listen to her.

Now, I wouldn't let her hold me back, though.

I would just take her word for truth.

So as a perfect example, is

I wanted a public speak and I was getting a lot of offers.

My mission and my goal is to help women, but I never would go on stage.

I was petrified.

So in that moment, I said, okay, you're not going on stage because of your ego.

Give yourself the grace, but what's more important?

Your ego or your mission?

My mission is to help women.

My ego is telling me don't get on stage and help women.

Which one's more important?

I decided my mission was more important than my ego.

Okay, so now I know I want to get on stage.

How the hell do I use my ego to help me?

She's telling me I'm really bad.

She's telling me what if I fall in my face.

She's telling me what if I mess up.

Amazing.

What if I listen to her?

All right, Bestie, what if I mess up?

What am I going to do about it?

So she actually helped me prepare for all the things that may happen.

And so I made a list of all the things that she was saying to me, my negative voice, all the bad things.

And then next to it, I was saying, what if this is true?

What am I going to do?

So one of the things was, what if you mess up on stage?

You're going to freeze.

And there's nothing worse than freezing on stage everybody have you ever been in an audience where the speaker freezes yeah I have actually how badly do you feel for them crickets I feel bad you feel so bad so I was like I don't want to be that person that everyone feels bad okay so I know the problem what am I gonna do about it

I know that people will mirror what you do so if I laugh at my own ridiculousness of making the mistake maybe everyone else will laugh too so I was like that's my strategy so I literally was like thank you ego you've helped me come up with a a strategy to now face my fear.

And what ended up happening, Sean, I bled to go on stage and the first, almost the first words out of my mouth were a mistake.

And I said, my dad gave birth to my grandmother.

Which, of course, I meant my grandmother gave birth to my father.

In that moment, I was like, just laugh, Lisa.

So I was like, well, that would be weird.

Right?

You laugh.

I laugh.

I moved on.

No one thought twice about it.

I didn't stumble.

I didn't freeze.

And that was the first moment that I was like, oh my God, my negative voice can help me.

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and now what i can actually say is the critic in my head has become my coach

i love that because a lot of people overthink right and they don't take action they never get up on that stage they don't know how it's going to go exactly and i never wanted to take that for chance.

I wanted to be at least prepared so that I can keep getting better.

Because I knew that I wasn't going to be amazing.

It's like, it's not like I knew that I was going to go on stage and this is going to be your, you know, your championship moment.

It's like, no, just like anything, just like a muscle, you have to practice.

And just, I would always give myself the grace to go into the gym and pick up a weight for the first time and

not know what I'm doing.

And I give myself the grace.

I'm on five pounds.

I have no idea to how to work this machine.

If I'm consistent in a month, I know how to work the machine.

In two months, in three months, I now am able to go from five pounds to £10 to £20.

If I have that analogy for a skill set that I'm trying to adopt, I think that we can be invincible, but we're just not willing to put in the time or effort because we want to be amazing first.

We want to have the confidence first, and that's why I called my book Radical Confidence because I realized people want the confidence before they get started, and that's what's holding people back.

The confidence is the byproduct of getting started.

Agreed.

So, you have to get started first.

No, I 100% agree because I lacked confidence a majority of my life.

But once I got some results, the confidence sort of came with it.

Exactly.

Yeah, I was a huge introvert growing up.

Hated public speaking, hated talking to people.

But that comes from reps, talking to people, going to events, going to conferences, podcasts.

And here you are with your own podcast.

Yeah, here I am.

That's awesome.

Yeah, that's crazy.

And you yourself were behind the scenes for a while too, right?

Yeah, I was definitely the facilitator.

So my husband, Tom, has crazy ideas.

He's a massive visionary.

And I was just very good at logistics naturally.

And so,

he was chasing money, and I was chasing money to try and make enough money so that we can make our own movies.

And so, that was originally how I became a stay-at-home wife.

Because I was like, babe, you go out into the business world, I'll take care of every other decision outside of business.

It was basically what Steve Jobs did.

He said, He removed every decision that didn't matter.

So, he never worried or thought about what he wore.

He always wore the black top and the jeans.

Why?

Because if you, let's say, I don't know how many decisions you can make with clarity in a day but let's say it's 10 you've just made one decision on what you wear is that going to help move your business forward no so once we research what successful people were doing we then adopted that technique so i said all right babe you go to work you're hardcore in the business and i'm going to stay at home and take care of everything else you don't have to think about anything to the point where he woke up his gym clothes were right next to him he would put them on he'd go to the gym he'd come back his work clothes were waiting for him he'd walk out the door I'd give him his lunch.

So he never had to think about those steps.

Wow.

So that's how I became the stay-at-home wife, though.

And it was just going to be for a year.

And Sean, the problem is that a lot of us will do something for the greater good.

We'll sacrifice and we'll tell ourselves it's not actually for that long.

But what ends up happening is you get stuck.

And now you don't have the confidence to speak up.

You don't actually know what you want anymore.

And you get into this cycle and these habits.

So that's what ended up happening to me.

I got into the cycles.

I got into those habits.

And that's how I started off as being, I'm supporting for this greater good.

And then I ended up getting stuck for eight years.

Wow.

Eight years?

Yeah, eight years as a stay-at-home wife doing that.

Yeah.

And I was miserable.

And it wasn't until Tom was so miserable that I said, I don't care about money.

I don't care about filmmaking.

I don't care about money.

I care about my relationship with my husband.

And we need to seek happiness.

And we're not.

So in that moment, that was the catalyst to quest nutrition.

So that became the idea that he could do every day and be happy.

And in that path, I said, oh, I'm a good Greek wife.

I'll help you.

And so I just started helping him, thinking that I was just helping him.

I didn't really realize I was then going to go into business myself and I would love it.

But that became then the catalyst for me to go, I can actually be good at something if I'm willing to put in the hard work, time and effort and get back up every time I fall.

And so that became the first steps into

starting questions.

I'm sorry, I actually forgot your question now.

I forgot it.

I think it was just you were behind the scenes.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, so that was how I started behind the scenes.

And I found my validation in being a great support system.

And anytime Tom had an idea, I would be behind him and I would figure out how to do it.

And I was actually just talking about the book

Rocket Fuel.

Have you read it?

I've seen it.

I haven't read it yet.

Okay.

For any couple that's out there that works together, you have to read that book.

Wow.

The reason is it doesn't actually talk about couples.

It just talks about the rocket and the fuel.

and it's really kind of about like the alpha and the beta the leader and the follower and a lot of people perceive the follower or the beta as being weak as being worse but the truth is what I love about this book is it breaks it down as the rocket is a thing that everyone stares at right when a rocket goes into space you just stare at the rocket it's admired everyone loves the rocket it looks freaking powerful no one talks about the fuel no one thinks about the fuel no one really cares about the fuel but let's face it a rocket doesn't move without without the fuel.

So the importance of the fuel is the importance of the beta role, the follower, the logistics, the person behind the scenes.

And I didn't value myself on my skill sets until I started to realize that it is a teamwork and it is a team effort.

And that was where I was very happy behind the scenes for a long time until people kept saying like, we need to hear your story.

I can't believe, you know, as a woman who's supporting a husband, but you feel like an equal and you're really strong and you're really confident, but you're married to a guy who's so masculine and alpha and how do you guys do it?

You know, and so I started getting so many questions that I never even considered because it was my day-to-day life.

And once I realized how many couples struggle with their dynamics or their positioning or, you know, building businesses together, I started to realize that mine and Tom's relationship and the things that we had been through could bring value.

And because I'm so mission oriented, my mission really is to help people.

That was when I faced like the fact that it's like, okay, maybe I'll step in front of the camera.

But but sure and i was petrified just like what you were saying you had anxiety why on earth would i step in front of the camera i was like i get i was bullied in school i don't like my looks i get teased

why would i choose to be mocked in public was my thinking right and again going back to i just keep asking myself what's more important lisa your mission or your ego and every time i just keep coming with my mission all right well you're gonna have to get over this fear that you have so that was why then i got over the fear of getting in front of the camera And one of my favorite movies, you may be too young, but you may have already seen it, Karate Kid.

I've seen the newer one.

Okay.

Was there two of them?

Yes, it was there was original.

And so the whole theme is like you wax on and you wax off.

And that is an analogy for practice.

And so if I can see getting in front of the camera day one, day two, day three is just practice.

Now I release the pressure because I was comparing myself to Tom.

He's incredible.

He's so good.

And

it didn't serve me in comparing myself to to him I had to rethink about it and use him as a way to be inspired to see what he would do and I actually had a pattern of okay Tom does this let me go and try it and then I'll see what my version of that is so I would take instead of looking at someone amazing and letting that hold you back from the fear that you could never be that good I flipped it I looked at what was amazing I tried it I then went internal and said does this feel good to you Lisa and it's like well no I wouldn't really say this I would do this and then I would just evolve and change the way that I did it to eventually find my true authentic self.

But it was never overnight.

It's been years and years and years of practice and I'm still growing and learning.

And I think I'm 44 years old.

I plan to live till I'm over 100.

And I don't say that as a joke because I know I interviewed a woman that's 103

and she's completely cognitively there.

Holy crap.

She doesn't have Alzheimer's.

She still rides her bike.

It's insane.

Incredible.

So when you see it, I know it's possible.

So, now I go, I know it's possible.

What am I going to do in order to get to live till I'm 100?

All right, well, I'm 44.

I've still got a lot of years in me.

So, I get excited about the idea of growth and change.

And it's like, if I'm just starting in front of the camera, like let's say five years ago, oh my god, Sean, what am I going to be like in 30 years?

Like, it gets me excited to think about that.

I love that mindset.

And you said your mission was to help women.

What is the biggest issue you're seeing with women right now?

Yeah, so I think a mission statement is super important to create anytime you're trying anything because you need to know what your North Star is.

And so I hear a lot of people say, I want to help people.

What does that mean?

Like get refined because you can go and donate your time to an old people's home.

That's helping people.

Or you can do what you're doing and you're doing a podcast to try and reach the masses.

be more specific on your mission.

So for me, I used to say, I just want to help women.

It's like, but what does that actually mean?

I was like, okay, let me go back and figure out what a mission statement is.

We do it for a business.

Why don't we do it for ourselves so i started to refine what my mission statement is and i want everyone listening to really write this down i think a mission statement needs to be three things the who the what and the why

the who the what the why and it needs to be so succinct that you can repeat it over and over and over and over again that if you're in an elevator with let's say someone that can really help you get there you can just pull it out of your you know like hat because you've got to know what your north star is so for me the who the what's the why i want to create content that impacts 14 14-year-old women, 14-year-old girls, so they feel good about themselves and not have to unwire the negative mindset I've had to.

Wow.

I can keep repeating that, Sean, over and over again.

So the who, the what, to the why.

The who is the 14-year-old girl.

The what?

Create content.

The why, so they never have to feel insecure like I have.

So now you can imagine anytime someone comes to me with any offer, any opportunity, I go, does it for my mission?

Go and volunteer at this place.

Okay, content is not content, sorry.

Because for me, it's important to reach the masses.

Shouldn't be for, you know, everyone needs their own mission.

But that was how I was able to really be sustainable on what is my mission.

So now I think about what are the things that women suffer with.

How do I pull it apart and then direct it toward 14-year-old girls?

So I've actually built almost like phases in my own career.

And phase one is I'm 44 years old.

So for me to go straight to a 14-year-old, I'm very realistic.

They're not going to listen to me.

So number one is I need to evangelize older women to then be able to pass on that wisdom to their daughters, their granddaughters.

So I've got my show Women of Impact.

And so that's phase one of my initiative of I'm evangelizing women my age, women maybe in their 30s, to then be able to talk and echo.

To their daughters.

To their daughters, exactly.

Then I think in business, so I'm like, I need a sustainable revenue model in order to speak to the 14-year-old.

So my my YouTube channel and my podcast are revenue generators that I then take that money and I have a whole team of artists and writers and I've got a comic book that I'm developing for young girls and so Tom also has his own like we basically have a team and so he's developing his comic book for boys and I'm developing my comic book for girls

and so all of that you can see the trickle effect of how I get to the 14 year old girl Yeah, and so when I think about what those problems, I then separate them out again into somewhat age groups.

So I go, okay, the 30-year-old and above is probably suffering with this.

Boundaries, being pushed around,

not feeling like their voice can be heard, imposter syndrome, and all of those types of people pleasing that holds us back.

All right, and so I've got that list.

So now every time I do content, I'm like, which one of these things am I going to touch on this week?

That makes, that keeps me emotionally sober on the path that I'm going on.

Now, this other part for the young girls is it's continuous.

It's a comic book that I'm developing over time.

So as, let's say, once a week,

twice a week, I go and I sit with the team.

And I've got, it's a superhero story about a young girl that goes to a superhero school and she gets bullied and teased about her superhero abilities.

And so it's kind of the echo of my life where I was mocked and teased for my looks, for being emotional, for being sensitive.

And now it's exactly what I use to grow my business.

So I've kind of echoed the realities of the real world and the adult world into the children's world and I'm looking to launch that comic book probably the end of this year.

I love it.

And teenage suicide rates for females are the highest they've ever been.

So this is very important.

That's insane.

I'm so impressed that you know that.

And the highest rate for any woman suicide is between 45 and 55.

That's during menopause.

Whoa.

And I'm 44, so you better believe I'm paying attention to that.

Dang.

So they just can't control the emotionals caused from you.

Yeah, so what happens is your estrogen drops and plummets as you go into perimenopause because you don't have a period anymore.

And so your body goes, Well, you're not going to have kids, so you may as well not have the estrogen.

And so your body reduces in estrogen, which means that somewhat, I say this tongue-in-cheek, but we somewhat become more like a man where it's like, I'm going to think more about myself.

I'm not thinking about the family anymore.

And a lot of women have spent their entire lives dedicated to family.

You've pulled your heart and soul for

45 years potentially into your family, to your kids, to always showing up for them.

Your estrogen plummets, and now you're like, What about me?

And apart from just that, I'm just learning now about all the hormone changes that come with it

and how that can really impact women.

And so, the rate of divorce that's initiated by women skyrockets between the ages of 45 and 55, and it goes up to 70% of women are initiating divorce.

Holy, that is so high.

Yeah.

So, now you can imagine, Sean, I've been married for 23 years.

Wow.

Oh, sorry, I've been married for 21 years, been with Tom for 23.

He's known me to be one way.

I sacrifice, I love him, I put my heart and attention into him.

And now imagine my estrogen plummets.

He's not going to know who I am anymore.

And I'm very aware of that.

And so what we're doing is right now, we're talking about the change in my hormones so that it never becomes a surprise, so that he can help me navigate.

Because again, just in all the interviews that i do if you're not experiencing you don't quite understand right so i don't judge men for it i just give them the grace to go they don't get it they're not feeling it their hormones haven't changed as much so of course they look at you who may be someone who's caring nurturing for 20 years and then turns around and says take care of your own stuff they're going to feel shocked they're going to be surprised so how do we discuss it so that we can do it together so that's kind of the next step in my life is that i'm talking to my husband and i'm bringing bringing him along and he's reading menopause books wow yeah that's cool and i'm telling him in real time i'm like babe my energy is really low right now now you can imagine what that's doing to my self-esteem as well i consider myself a freaking badass yeah like i've worked very hard at my confidence and

When we started Quest Nutrition in 2010, I had no idea who I was.

In 2015, we were announced as a billion-dollar unicorn company.

And I started to realize what I was made of.

And that has been my journey.

Now you cut to 10 15 years later my estrogen plummets one in five women in menopause quit their jobs

because they can't focus anymore they have brain fog and they can't function like they used to so now imagine Traun I'm working with building quests it's growing 57,000% is how quickly Quest nutrition grows

yeah that's pretty fast so It was growing so quickly and I just sustained it.

I did burn myself out towards the the end, but I was like showing up.

I was pulling 17-hour days and I was hustling and I didn't care about my health.

And then you flash forward, now you find me in a very different world.

If I work more than 12 hours, I feel super burnt out.

If I'm not sleeping properly, I can't concentrate.

I'll be in a job interview or I'll be interviewing someone and I'll forget my question.

That really dents your confidence.

Yeah, this is really important for women watching this and even men to know this because I had no idea.

Yeah, now imagine A, your mum, have the grace of however old your mum is if she's still around.

If you have any sisters, know that.

Or when if you are, you know, I'm in a heterosexual relationship and you're going to marry a woman and she gets to that age, knowing it now at least doesn't make you look at her like she's quote unquote crazy, which is a thing that we get labeled.

And it allows you to understand it.

Excuse me.

It allows you to understand it.

And like with my husband, because he was like, you're acting strange.

Like, what do you mean?

Like, and I was like, oh, I have to vocalize to him what's happening to me.

And so now when I turned to him, I was like, I need your help, babe.

I don't want to do this alone.

And menopause is real.

Every woman, if you live to that age, you're going to go through menopause.

There's no bypassing it.

So I'm going to go through it and I need your help.

And this could be a moment where we make our relationship stronger instead of weaker.

So that stat that I said, 70% of women, I don't want to be a statistic.

And so I've just declared I don't want to be a statistic.

And I've put a strategy in place that allows me and Tom to navigate that as I change and evolve.

Brilliant.

Yeah, because you got to evolve together, right?

I'm sure you two have changed a lot over the years.

And some couples aren't willing to change at the pace of the other one.

Yeah, that's so true.

And I think that that was why, like, some people say, oh my God, you and Tom are very lucky.

And I'm like, okay, let's take that for reality.

When I married Tom, I told him I wanted four children.

I then, we start quest nutrition and I turn around and I tell him, I don't want any children.

a different guy who wanting kids was a non-negotiable for them they probably would have divorced me and I get it like if you've got non-negotiables in your relationship you should never negotiate them So you can understand where because it wasn't one of Tom's non-negotiables we were able to navigate it and go from being the wife that said she didn't want kids so wanted kids to them not having kids now let's flip it a different woman if their husband is working a hundred hours a week and for two years, Sean, he was working 120 hours.

We actually calculated it.

Time was yes.

Do the math.

He's not even sleeping.

So it's literally he's getting a couple of hours sleep a night.

He's waking up and going straight to work.

He's coming to bed as he's taking out his headset listening to an interview or researching something.

That was

close to two years.

I think it was more actually like 18 months.

Most women would have felt neglected and said, this isn't sustainable.

I need your attention.

I need you home at 7 p.m.

I need you to have dinner.

And they would have maybe have got divorced.

So I paint that picture on purpose because relationships only exist as much as the other person's willing to work through it.

Now there's no judgment.

If you, if Tom really wanted children, I wouldn't have asked him to negotiate.

I think as hard as it would have been, I would have probably suggested it's best for us to split.

Wow.

But the last thing, think about it though, the last thing I ever want is for him to be resentful that we didn't have children.

Or me to be resentful because I felt like he was going to leave me unless I did have kids.

And there's this couple called the Gottmans.

I don't know if you've ever heard of them.

Okay.

The Gottmans are like, they're like in their 70s or 80s.

And they've spent the last 50 years studying couples.

So they've got an entire institute with all of their studies.

And so every time you hear like relationship experts, they're usually quoting the Gottmans.

I had them on my show.

And one of the things that they say is they did this whole study where they switched off the volume in a room and they brought couples in.

Now, they would observe the couples, and there would be someone in the room talking to them, and the person in the room would ask them questions.

And so they would be like, Tell me about when you first met.

Tell me about your first date.

Tell me about your wedding.

And they would ask them questions.

Just by seeing their body language, remember, the volume's off.

Just by seeing the body language, they could predict with, I believe, it's 92% accuracy who is going to get divorced.

What?

Just by their body language.

Holy crap.

Why?

Because body language can, there are signs that contempt exists in a relationship.

And contempt is one of the four things, I believe they call them the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

One of the things that is almost guaranteed to cause a divorce.

Now, what does contempt look like?

It's rolling of the eyes.

It's the

tisking.

The like leaning back and folding your arms when your partner's talking.

I'm guilty of that one.

I need to work on that.

And you need to think though, why do you do it?

Because I think that's even further, right?

You don't just want to change your body language.

You actually want to identify that your body language may be signaling something to you that you don't realize you're feeling.

And so

Because I do all this research and Tom knows it all as well, one day we're talking and he's like, you just rolled your eyes at me.

You're building contempt.

And I was like, what do you mean?

And he's like, babe you can never build contempt we need to talk about that eye roll and I was like oh my god did I eye roll and so because he noticed it I didn't mean to it forced me to go inside myself and go why did I eye roll

and I was like oh it's because you say this one thing that really bothers me and that created a conversation so that now we don't have contempt for each other

but That's all kind of like the research that I do and how we keep showing up and how we evolve and who Tom is today and who I am today isn't the person I'm gonna be in three years, isn't the person I'm gonna be in 10 years.

And so you better believe the biggest thing that we need to be aligned on is our communication.

And when people ask me what's the number one thing that people need in a relationship, are you in a relationship?

Okay, how are you?

Oh, congratulations.

Oh, that's amazing.

The one thing that people need to remember in a relationship, hopefully, is that you're always going to change.

And if you guys pride growth in each other, you're never going to try and hold each other back.

Because one of the things that breaks my heart and i see it time and time again that people say is you've changed like it's a negative yeah yeah especially if you go from someone that's a fixed mindset and then like you're trying to evolve you're trying to grow and then you go back home and you meet the people from your high school and they're like wow you've changed like it's a bad thing you cannot be with somebody that says that to you you got to be with someone that's like oh my god you've changed and it's a positive thing and because me and tom value that in each other we're always communicating and figuring out what our life looks like we're touching touching bass every quarter, we're touching base every year.

Even when it comes to our business, we touch bass.

And I ask myself these questions: do I still want to be married to Tom?

Still important to ask yourself.

Do I still want to be in business with Tom?

Still important to ask yourself.

Because, like I said, going back to where we started, I spent eight years not asking myself what I actually wanted

and going with the flow, going with how everyone else feels.

And I swore to myself, Sean, I would never ever do that again.

That's deep.

Do you keep the the business and personal separate?

Like when you're at home, do you talk about business at all?

It's a little hard because Tom loves to talk about both and he has no problem

meshing them together.

No problem.

I do.

Because I can talk harshly in business and I can be a strong woman.

Give it to me.

Tell me the things that are wrong and we'll debate.

But in my personal life, I need him to talk kindly.

And it's not that he's talking dismissively in business, but we are very blunt and we're very straightforward.

Like, this is a business.

There's no space for this, you know, emotion.

We're doing this.

If you don't agree, let's discuss it and let's move forward.

That's how we built our business.

And it's been very successful.

We're always open to each other, but our relationship, I just, I can't function like that.

I can't have that type of talk.

So I realized this, that we were different.

I realized that we had different needs.

And because he didn't have a problem with it.

So I'm like, oh, this is a need I have.

So I need to come up with a strategy that allows him to know when I'm in wife mode and a strategy to know when I'm in business mode.

So because he would work so much and I would take an hour off in the evening for myself.

But our studio is in our house.

So you can imagine, there's no off switch.

He would go from business to personal to business again.

And so I would be off, I would be in relaxing mode and he would come to me with a problem at like 8 p.m.

at night.

That's so relatable.

Because you do that?

I do that.

Oh, there you go.

Now, here's the thing.

I married a man that's very ambitious.

I'm attracted to a man that's very ambitious.

So, I never want to stunt his ambition.

So, I go, I can't tell him not to do it.

That's not fair.

I'm asking him to be someone who's not.

But I need to find a mechanism so that we don't keep doing it and it disturbs my peaceful time.

So, have you ever been to a Brazilian restaurant before?

Like the steakhouses?

Yeah.

Okay.

Do you know that?

Remember where they put those little chips on the table and it's like more meat or no meat?

So they don't bother you.

And I was like, oh, I need like a button or something that's like working, not working.

And I looked around and I was like, hmm.

I was like, oh, there's a lamp next to me

where I would kind of sit and chill.

That was like my chill space.

So I said to him, I was like, all right, babe, from now on, if the lamp is on, because I don't want to even vocalize I'm in relaxation mode because even that pulls me out of relaxation mode.

So I was like, I need just a signal that I don't have to say anything.

So I was like, if I put the lamp on, the lamp on means relaxation.

And the lamp on means I'm still in work mode.

So I said to him, all right, babe, the next time you walk into the room, if the lamp's on, don't don't bring me any work.

If the lamp's off, you can talk work.

I love that.

So it's just like, yeah, it's just having an agreement.

He's like, all right, cool, babe.

The very next time he walks in, he's like, hey, babe, he sees the light on.

He's like, love you.

And then he turns around and closes the door.

And Ara's like, well done.

That's a good system.

I'm going to replicate that.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's great advice.

Thank you.

Can't wait.

And you guys have built, obviously, Quest to building our company, but now you're with Impact Theory, I mean, that thing has really taken off.

Thank you.

So you guys have the formula down.

Hopefully, but just like I said, I'm changing and he changes.

So just when we think, we got this down, we can teach this formula, something else happens.

And you're like, oh, okay, so I need to evolve.

Or for instance, let's just take when I said I was a stay-at-home wife and then I went into business.

That transition was very hard because I went from taking care of everything, his work, sorry, his clothes, his food, to then turning around and saying, I want to be your equal business partner.

And that means you have to do your own laundry or I'm going to do laundry once a month and you're going to have to take care of yourself with food.

food.

In that situation, we had to really talk about what that looked like.

So number one, I just said, I love you more than life itself.

Me cleaning and cooking for you has no reflection of how I feel about you.

Number one.

Number two, it's making me profoundly unhappy to cook and clean.

Wow.

And I need your help.

to navigate getting out of this unhappiness.

So we really worked on it together.

So we kind of weaned him off like a drug.

I was like, it's kind of like a drug babe.

So this week I'll cook and clean for you seven days.

Next week, I'll cook and clean for you six days and then each week we'll just wean you off does it sound good and he's like yeah it sounds great so turnt comes up one day he doesn't have any clean underwear because i hadn't done the laundry quest has grown so quickly that's the last thing that's on my mind and he shouts from the other room babe i don't have any clean underwear i was like okay and i'm holding my breath right because in that moment i'm like there's a big difference between an agreement and then the reality of that agreement right

And he goes, so I guess I'm going to work, Commando.

And he goes to work with no underwear.

And you better believe, because I asked for his help and we were doing it together, he felt good about the fact that he didn't go to work with no underwear.

But if we didn't have that navigation, he would have built contempt.

And then that day that he doesn't have clean underwear, the contempt starts to show.

I can't believe my wife doesn't clean my underwear.

Now, in all of that, his response was: What kind of husband would I be if I put if I prioritized clean underwear above my wife's happiness?

Wow.

Okay, now, why did I bring up that story?

I want to address what you just asked.

Flash forward to now.

That was 15 years ago.

Only last year, because we always check in with each other.

How are you feeling?

Is there anything you need me to change?

What do you wish I do that I used to do, that I don't do anymore?

Like, we ask the hard questions.

And he turned around.

He's like, babe, I miss you nurturing me.

Now, I've spent 15 years as his business partner, never once needing him saying he needs nurturing.

But he's changed.

He evolves.

He's slightly older.

Maybe he needs something different from me I need to give him the space to vocalize what he needs differently and when he said that I was like okay what does that mean get into the nitty-gritty of what that means be specific so a lot of time maybe you and your fiancé do this where it's like I need you to pay me more attention

of course but you don't actually know what that means does that mean text her more does that mean spend more time with her does that mean pick up your phone less what does it actually mean so that's what I do I drill down with Tom what does it mean So I said what does it mean for you to feel nurtured?

He's like, well, I want you to now,

if you can help me with my food, what does that mean?

Well, if you can preempt my needs, all right, I can cook for you or I can order your postmates.

I much prefer ordering your postmates.

Do you care?

And he's like, no, as long as there's food ready.

Okay, can I text you that the bag is outside the front door or do you need me to plate it for you?

And he's like, I don't need you to plate it for me, but if you can put it in this spot so that when I walk in the room, I see it, it will make me so happy.

All right, thank you for being clear.

Now I've adjusted my schedule and my life and I pre-order food so I don't have to think about it.

And I've just created systems in my life in order to be able to show up for my husband with this new need that he has.

But I never want to get stuck and vice versa.

I never want to tell Tom.

This is what I want and then 10 years change my mind and not having the space to be able to vocalize it.

Yeah, that's great.

Yeah, my fiancé says at least once a week she wants more attention, but being able to kind of dive into what that exactly means, I think, is the next step.

Yeah, and then also in that discussion, figuring out where your value systems are.

Because I used to say to Tom, like, babe, can you please make the bed?

I grew up in a household where you make your bed, no matter what.

Tom grew up in a household that, why on earth would you make your bed?

It's a waste of time.

Now, it seems like kind of like you, I think a lot of couples either argue over the dishes, they argue over making the bed.

making the bed was the thing that me and Tom used to argue over until one day we realized it wasn't about the bloody bed it was about the value systems around making the bed so I said to him what does making the bed mean to you or not making the bed mean to you and he's like look I'm in business.

I value time over everything.

Value system.

Value system is I value time because it's the one thing I can never get back.

If you're asking me to make the bed and then unmake the bed, so we have we have two duvets because of our own body temperature.

It just saves us argument, saves us argument.

So we just have two duvets.

So he's like, you need me to make the bed, unmake the bed.

Every day, that's about five minutes.

Now calculate five minutes every single day over the next 10 years.

And I can't remember the math, but he was like, that's how many hours you're asking me to waste making the bed.

And my highest value is time.

So what I'm asking him to do actually goes against his value system.

It's not about the silly, funny, make the bed or not make the bed.

So now we did the reverse.

What's my value system around making the bed?

It is: I get anxious when places are messy.

I can't concentrate.

ADHD, we were talking about that, you know, before we started rolling, is that I have ADHD.

And so I can't concentrate and I can't focus when a room is messy.

So the making the bed isn't about making the bed.

It's about helping me emotionally stabilize so I can function correctly.

Right.

Wow.

So once you drill down so deep into the value system, now you can have the argument about your values.

And once we started arguing about our values, he said, babe, you cannot ask me to be, you know, care less about the timing.

So I said, all right, let me find a strategy that makes sense.

So I just found a strategy where I take my duvet, I cover his duvet, and there's a big lump because I don't touch his duvet.

So literally, Sean, there's a lump on his side of the bed.

But at least it looks kind of neat.

So that was our compromise.

Again, the reason why I brought up that story is most couples stop at the surface.

They stop at the

making the bed.

And the reason why I brought that up for your sake is if

your fiancé wants more attention,

what does that actually mean?

And if it is time, how do you make sure you don't let go of your value system who's an entrepreneur and wants to build?

I know you've got so many ambitions, but you never want to dull your values or your ambition.

So how do you navigate it together?

And so for me and Tom, it was, I don't expect him to ever have dinner with me Monday to Friday Wow We only pretty much see each other as business partners and what's funny is anytime I do an interview I'm like I don't see my husband Monday to Friday and he's like you see me every day We're in a thousand business meetings and I'm like with my business partner So you can see again He thinks he's with me all the time.

I don't think I'm with him any of the time.

Yeah

so Monday to Friday I don't expect him to be home for dinner I don't expect him unless I need him and we have code word that we will text each other if I need him as the wife.

Wow.

And if I text him these words, he drops everything and he'll show up for me and vice versa.

But there's the expectation that he doesn't have to be come for dinner Monday to Friday.

But because I really value time with him, we've then agreed, okay, cool.

Then from on Saturday, from

let's say it's like from 12 to midnight, he's all mine.

Wow.

And that means he doesn't check his phone unless there's an emergency.

And we've just then put in rules that allow us to do that.

And if he's on vacation, the rule rule is I am able to take up another day and time.

So we're not vacation when he's traveling.

I should say speaking gigs when he's traveling.

So we just have these rules.

If this, then that.

Brilliant.

If he's not here and we skip our date night, then I go into his calendar and I block another schedule where I get to spend time with him.

And his rule, so my rule is I can do that.

I can never abuse it, which means I can never take advantage of it.

So he doesn't look at his calendar and all of a sudden I've got 10 blocks in one week, right?

So that's my promise to him.

And his promise to me is if the calendar invite is in his schedule, he never declines it.

Wow.

I love that.

But he never declines it, Sean, because I don't abuse it.

Yeah.

What a good system.

I love this.

Everything's systematized in my relationship.

Yeah.

And some people see that as like being too like tactical, but I like it.

I mean, here's the thing.

I do understand why people say it's tactical, but I don't see any other way.

Every other relationship that I have seen where someone doesn't do something with purpose, like deliberately, a relationship doesn't last because you're not speaking the same language so what ends up happening is if you're not tactical like that a woman may not speak up or the guy may not speak up that wants the time you hold it in you don't say anything a year goes by two years go by and how often have you heard people say I don't know what happened I blinked and our relationship is terrible I blinked and I don't know them you never just blink Ever

it's the fact that you've ignored things because it's easier and I get it It's easier to ignore something than it is to address it right but me and Tom have literally the commitment to make sure we never sweep anything under the rug and Again, we've got rules and another rule is you never say sorry if you don't mean it right now You can imagine how many arguments would be solved way quicker if one of us just apologized But we won't and I appreciate that Yeah, I value that.

And so we will even say I really want to apologize to you right now because I see how much this is hurting your feelings, but I don't want to say something something that isn't true so let's keep talking so an argument that we could probably distinguish within uh extinguish within let's say five minutes by just apologizing it may now go on for another day but we never sweep anything under the rug and nothing ever becomes contempt because of it i love that another issue couples have is their friends sometimes the guy's best friends get in the way of the relationships do you approve of his friends how does that system work yeah i mean to be honest i with tom i never questioned it because it was really about him.

So

if someone's got friends that aren't necessarily healthy, why is your partner still with them?

Like, I think it's more a reflection of your partner than it is their partner's friends.

So if Tom had a friend that was a player, I know who Tom is.

And

I would judge Tom on his behavior, not Tom's friend's behavior.

So let's say, for instance, Tom had a high school friend and he's like, look, is my friend from high school?

I know that we don't, and he doesn't necessarily have this, but I'm just giving an example.

And he's like, you know, yeah, he's he's a uh

uh philanderer and he cheats all the time but you know we grew up together and he's my homeboy all right cool go out go out to a club with him i have zero problem if i had a problem it means i don't trust my husband he shouldn't be able to get swayed by a friend Either he has the boundaries and the confidence to say no if a woman came up to him or he doesn't.

It's not his friend's fault.

It's kind of like when someone has an affair and they blame the woman instead of the person that actually had the affair.

So let's say what i mean by that is let's say tom went and had an affair and cheated on me most a lot of women i see will blame the woman he cheated with me on really versus you blame the guy that actually cheated right so for me tom's the one that's made me the commitment not the woman he cheated with me uh on with me yeah i get it um so yeah i i think I have built so much trust with Tom and I understand if you've been cheated on, this may sound super naive and I'm very self-aware of that.

but

if I've built so much trust with Tom and I want to give myself over completely I don't want a relationship where I don't trust him that if someone was to text me hey Lisa I saw Tom walking down the street with his arm around another woman I would never go straight to he must be cheating.

I would go to there must be a reason.

Maybe it was a fan and she was crying.

Maybe it was a school friend that he hadn't seen in so long and he put like,

ask the questions first, but I would never go straight into he must be cheating.

Why?

Because I've built that trust.

Wow.

Now, here's the thing, that trust can be broken.

Because I trust him so much, he has the power.

But I've dedicated my life to being in a relationship where you can be vulnerable with your partner and they're never going to weaponize it.

Now, that takes time.

It takes moments where I've shared one thing with Tom and then in an argument where I know he can shut me down by telling me this one thing that he knows I'm vulnerable over, does he do it?

No.

Time and time again, for 21 years, he's never once weaponized my vulnerabilities.

That has built trust.

Now, again, that's not to say he won't ever cheat, but I've also, going back to the non-negotiables that I was saying, I've laid out my non-negotiables with Tom.

And I did that from day one because I want to set him up for success.

I want him to know what type of relationship he's going into versus be surprised by it.

So my two non-negotiables were, if you ever put a hand on me or make me not feel safe around you, I'm out the door.

Wow.

I have to feel safe.

I have to feel completely safe that you will never physically hurt me.

So, even if you went to like raise your hand to like threaten, I'm out the door.

I have to feel safe.

Number two is: you can't ever cheat on me.

And that means because a lot of people do forgive each other, which I actually have zero judgment.

I just know myself.

I know I'll never be able to get over it because I've given over to him completely.

So, I've said to him, babe, just setting you up for success.

If you were to ever cheat on me and I found out on Wednesday at 12:04, 12.05 on Wednesday, I'm packed and I'm out the door,

Which means you have no space to explain.

I won't listen to why you cheated on me.

I won't even give you a chance.

Even if you think there's a valid reason, which I can't even possibly imagine why there would be a valid reason, I just won't give you the opportunity.

And now the great news is it's in your hands.

I've told you exactly the things that are going to cause me to leave.

And now it's up to you to see if you do or not.

And so laying that out from the get-go has really helped both of us establish that trust and establish what is important to the other person.

Absolutely.

Lisa, I learned so much from you.

I can't wait to incorporate this stuff in my relationship.

For real, where can people find out what you're up to?

Yeah, dude, thank you so much for having me on.

So, if you want to buy my book, you can go to radicalconfidence.com.

It literally lays out everything I just broke down of how I think how Tom, mine, and Tom's relationship really has evolved, especially if you're working with your partner.

But if you want to follow me on Instagram, that's at Lisa Biliou, or I have a podcast called Women of Impact where I talk about a lot of these subjects.

Perfect.

We'll link it all below.

Thanks for coming on.

Thanks, Dave.

Yup.