Dr Viviana Coles On Long Distance Dating, Scheduling Intimacy & Prenups | DSH #229

Therapy is awesome, but sex therapy is even better.

The majority of the pleasure and the peak of pleasure right before

is it all feels good.

Just because a woman doesn't

through either external or internal stimulation does not mean it doesn't feel good.

Make it happen.

Guys, you're good.

Yeah.

We don't have to make a finish.

We're good, guys.

Welcome back to the show, guys.

Got a fun episode for you guys today.

We got sex therapist, Dr.

Viviana Coles.

Hi, thanks for having me, Sean.

Absolutely.

How you been doing?

Good.

It has been busy.

Business is good.

Yeah, business is good, and people are really starting to understand that therapy is awesome, but sex therapy is even better.

Hmm.

So what kind of people are attending this, your sessions?

Yeah, mainly couples.

I've been seeing couples for 20 years.

That's always going to be the majority of people that are having intimacy issues are going to come in, whether it's because somebody's getting dragged in or not.

It's usually a couple.

And then individuals who are having trouble with like dating or maybe they've had past traumatic experiences in the bedroom and they want to talk about it and they want to figure it out.

Those are things.

That's the majority of what I'm seeing.

And then, of course, affair recovery.

really bad communication, conflict resolution issues.

Those are all things that I see as well.

Do you think it's possible for recovery for affairs, like people to recover from that?

Absolutely.

In my office, I've noticed that the vast majority of people that come in post-affair are going to get through it.

And actually, most of them say that they come out of it feeling like they're better, they're more connected, they're stronger, they communicate better.

Wow.

They've aired out a lot of the issues with help.

Without help, not so much.

But statistically, 70% of couples that go through an affair will stay together.

Whoa.

Not always that they do better.

I think that happens when they get help.

Right.

Wow, that's pretty high.

Yeah.

70%?

Yeah, you're not alone.

If you're even considering it, you're definitely not alone.

Dang.

How common are sexless marriages?

Oh.

You're not alone either.

I mean, that is happening in just about at some point in every relationship.

Wow.

So sexless, the technical definition, is fewer than twice a month.

Twice a month.

And for a lot of people out there, they're like, twice a month.

Like, we don't even do it twice every two months, you know, once a month.

I think a lot of people are really struggling in that place.

They don't realize that when the passion starts to fade, it needs to like metamorphosize into, you know, something else.

It needs to transform into something more lasting.

And they end up really losing that connection and they become roommates.

I mean, you hear it all the time, I'm sure.

Now, you just got engaged, so you're most for you.

But it's really tough to be married, and it's really tough to be monogamous.

And I think a lot of people struggle with that.

And the people who come to see me it's like most of the time they're coming and it's their last resort.

They're like we've talked through everything, we've been through all sorts of issues, now we need to get help.

For those of you who don't wait until it's the last resort, thank you.

Thank you so much.

I really appreciate you.

But I think a lot of people just don't realize all the different transitions that their relationships are going to have over the course of a lifespan.

You know, we're together longer because we are living longer.

And your relationship changes through career changes, health issues, the introduction of new family members.

There's so much that happens that I think impacts relationships.

People don't know it until it really shows up and they're like, whoa, we haven't had sex in ages.

And we're like roommates now.

We're friends.

A lot of them are really emotionally connected.

They're not physically connected.

Wow.

Yeah, there are a lot of factors.

So what's the right amount of times to be having sex then per week?

Like, what's a healthy range?

Everybody wants to know that, right?

It's like, okay, tell us, because if we're normal, then we're good.

And if we're not, ooh, we need to get some help.

So I'm going to go ahead and tell you, there is no norm.

If you're happy with your sex life and that's, you know, once a month, and y'all are good and you're connected and you see long-term that it works for both of you, it's not a problem.

Don't make it a problem.

Okay.

But for your

long-term physical health and mental health, I think it's important to be doing something sensual twice a week.

that does not have to include intercourse or

but it can

and

you know just for all you men out there three to four times a week to have a

is really important for your pelvic floor and for your prostate health wow women are amazing for your pelvic health I think it's it's something that a lot of women

don't emphasize because they feel like there's a lot of pressure in partnered experiences, but less pressure when you're solo.

You need to get that pelvic floor going and and experience that pleasure.

Hmm.

That makes sense.

What did your parents think of you getting into this profession?

Were they supporting you?

Oh, a hundred percent.

They were?

Yeah.

So my parents have been married for, gosh, it's going to be 50 years soon.

It's been a long time.

They

never shied away from showing the fact that they were still very into each other physically.

Not, I mean, they weren't those people who were like minging out in front of it, but they would make little jokes or, you know, they're very affectionate with each other.

My mom makes really funny crass jokes and so I knew that it was always like okay don't have to worry about that.

So when I went into couples counseling because that's mainly where it all started as a licensed marriage and family therapist I went to school to get my master's which is the terminal degree and then for me I decided to get my doctorate in marriage and family therapy.

I just needed to do something on the side because I'm like a go, go, go.

I need to have more and more.

What else can I do?

And sex therapy in Florida, which is where I went to school, is the only state that makes it to where, in order to say that you're a sex therapist, you must be certified.

So it was very common there.

And I thought, you know what?

If I'm going to be seeing couples, I need to be able to answer questions about sex without looking like a deer in the headlights.

And

it was just like a duck to water.

I just...

I thought it was so easy to talk about because when you're promoting health,

there's nothing shameful about it.

When you're promoting happiness and connection,

it's that trickle-down effect, which is ultimately what my mission is, is I want people to understand that if you are in a happy primary relationship, everything else is going to be that much sweeter.

Your business is going to go better.

Your

health is going to be better.

I mean, there's just so many benefits to having a healthy primary relationship.

I love that.

Yeah.

Some people, I guess, are scared or ashamed to talk about their sex life, but I feel like it's getting more open, right?

It is getting more open,

but

talking about your sex life and talking about sex therapy, I feel like are still two different things.

I don't get a lot of people who say, oh yeah, my best friend referred me to you.

It's usually my doctor referred me to you, or I heard about you on TV, or I saw this interview that you did.

And while I appreciate that, I would love it if more people were saying, oh, yeah, I was at a women's group, and they told me that they'd been clients of yours for years, and they really enjoy what you do.

That's what I want to hear.

Because when that starts happening, that's when we've really like destigmatized and normalized sex therapy.

When you're willing to say, hey, go to my, you know, go to my mechanic the same way that you would say, go to my sex therapist, then we're on the right track.

That's when we've broken the barrier.

Yeah.

What was it like going on TV?

I know you were on Married at First Sight.

Yeah.

So I did six seasons of Married at First Sight before I chose to leave.

It was so fun.

Yeah.

So much fun.

But I also am the kind of person like, I kind of make everything fun.

If I'm going to do something, I'm going to have a good time.

I'm not going to stress out.

It was really fun because

what we're trying to do and what I trust they're still trying to do is

make something really amazing happen in a really unique way.

And so being a part of relationships where people literally are matched and married and they meet all at the altar,

it's kind of wild.

It's kind of bold, but it works.

Sometimes it works.

And and when it works, it works really well.

People are on their second babies, third babies.

People maybe don't decide to have babies, but they've been married for five, six, seven years.

So some of them are still together?

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

More than most other shows.

They've stayed together.

And there's a lot of,

I mean, of course, people like to focus on when it crashes and burns.

And they try to compare it to like traditional matchmaking.

I'm like, they've met each other.

Like, it's just totally different.

You haven't met them.

And we have never seen them together, right?

We don't see them together until they say, I do.

And it's like, oh my gosh, are they going to talk?

Are they going to like?

Is this going to come out?

Are they going to bring this out of each other?

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You never know where you're going to get it, I guess.

But I loved being on TV.

I feel like I've always felt good and confident and just presenting what I know.

If people are asking me things that I have nothing.

like no experience with.

Yeah, I'm going to get nervous.

But when you're talking about things that I know about and I've done for 20 years, bring it on.

Yeah, I'll talk to anybody.

Yeah, it's like giving a high school presentation on history.

You're like super nervous.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Man, so is it true 10 to 20 percent of women can't

from sex?

Absolutely.

From internal stimulation.

Yeah.

That's kind of the stipulation.

A lot of women, a lot of women are an

in general and just haven't been able to experience

ever.

And then the majority of them,

the majority of women that's like, that are experiencing the 10 to 20, they can experience

through clip simulation, not through the internal

or even, you know, with a toy.

So a lot of people have this idea that, you know, simultaneous or

can happen.

That is

not the norm.

It's very rare that that happens.

Of course, we've romanticized and with and all of that, the idea that like, okay, well, we're both gonna get off at the same time, and it's gonna feel like this.

And no, what sex therapists have realized, and what all the research has shown is that you need lots of time, so at least 20 minutes of foreplay.

When you're in the act, you need to really try to do at least four or five different activities to get the most pleasure.

And something that a lot of people don't know is that women experience

the majority of the pleasure and the peak of pleasure right before

them.

And what that means, practically speaking, is it all feels good.

Just because a woman doesn't,

you know, through either external or internal stimulation does not mean it doesn't feel good.

So it doesn't mean you get to like throw it all out.

Yeah.

Make it happen.

Guys, you're good.

Yeah.

We don't have to make a finish.

We're good, guys.

Okay.

You know, you got to make a concerted effort.

All right.

I'm just playing.

I'm just playing.

But you mentioned.

What are your thoughts on that?

Because some people are addicted.

I mean, I see mixed things on it.

Yeah, I see a lot of clients who it's become a real problem for them.

From a more,

I think overall it's a problem.

I think it causes more issues than it does solve them.

Especially within relationships, I think that so many partners are struggling with.

you know, whether it's keeping up with the

script, right?

It's like, okay, well, this is what I saw in the last this is how you're supposed to look and feel and this is the way it's all supposed to play out because a lot of people have it's really unfortunate that they've gotten their education their sex education from

that is not the way to do it do not do not do that but a lot of people do

and for a lot of men because they are curious and they're socialized to watch

a lot more than women are I think they're at the disadvantage of thinking that that's reality when it's not.

It's almost like the equivalent of not knowing what CGI is

and thinking that everything you see is real.

And of course, when you get two people together and they're not robots,

it's going to play out typically in a really sad way

because expectations are disappointed,

because communication about what's really going on doesn't happen.

What's your advice to couples to kind of re-spark that fire?

Let's say they've been together for a while and they've sort of lost that sexual drive a little bit.

Yeah, I think for a lot of people,

if they haven't, if they've had issues for at least six months and they haven't been able to figure it out on their own, they need to see a sex therapist.

This is what we do.

Like you will save so much time and money and energy if you just go and seek help from a professional.

You're not going to get that in like a Cosmo mag.

You're not going to get that from a friend.

You're going to get actual,

because most things that are going on sexually, there's an underlying cause.

And therapists are qualified to get to that.

So yeah, lots of band-aids.

I mean, you can say, oh, try this different position or wear lingerie or role play.

Okay, but if that was what was really going to fix it, then you wouldn't experience that for six months.

Right.

Because you can do a little search, like, how do I spice things up?

And they always say, oh, try this, try that.

And no, what's really going on is maybe you're super stressed out.

Maybe you're sexual functioning, you have performance anxiety.

Maybe you've wandered into the depths of

that have kind of altered what you think is hot and what you think is pleasurable.

And that's not what you have in front of you.

You know, there's lots of things like that that go deeper that I think a lot of people don't realize there's hope for.

Yeah, it's not like a quick fix.

It's not.

Man, do you believe in scheduling sex?

Because there's this guy named Tom Bill you.

He schedules his sex on the weekends only.

Are you a fan of that?

I'm a huge fan of scheduling sex.

I am a huge fan of it.

I think if you are a busy person, if your partner's busy, if you have kids, if you have businesses, if you want to sleep, like

the vast majority of people are only going to have sex if they've both planned for it.

Because life just takes you...

It takes everything away from you, right?

It's always pulling you in different directions, especially when you have obligations at home.

You know,

you got to cook and you got to, you know, there's just so much going on.

Scheduling, I think, is a huge plus.

Now, what I will tell you, because I've gotten into arguments with people online about this,

if you are having spontaneous sex and it's satisfying and it's enough, then no, don't schedule it unless you want something to like anticipate and look forward to.

You know, a lot of people do that on vacation.

They anticipate, okay, we're going to have vacation sex.

That's okay, but that's another form of scheduling.

It is, yeah, but most people can't go on vacation all the time, right?

So it's totally fine.

If you're having plenty of spontaneous sex and it's satisfying, don't worry about this.

But for those of you who are like, gosh, I wish we could have this more often, or I wish we had more time to, if we did it more often, maybe we would want it more often.

Or if we did it more often, when we introduced things, new things that we liked, it wouldn't feel so weird.

Yeah.

Then yeah, schedule.

Absolutely.

So are you putting it on the calendar?

Or are you just mentally scheduling it?

Either or.

I will say I'm often recommending that people put it on the calendar.

If you're sharing it with work, though, be very strategic about icons and things like that.

But if somebody says, well, I don't like that.

I don't think that that's sexy.

Then don't put it on their calendar.

Just put it on yours.

And you know that day to not take, you know,

too many pills or whatever, like your sleeping pills.

Don't do it too early or don't eat foods that are going to mess up your stomach or don't get into that argument that you know is inevitably gonna happen when you call that person after work.

Like there's there's a lot that you can do and I think a lot of people do that unconsciously.

But if you were having this issue then be more intentional about it and put it on the calendar.

Are you a believer in premarital counseling?

I'm absolutely.

I created a program, the Dr.

Viviana Method for premarital counseling.

Like I actually created that, I want to say about 15 years ago because I was seeing so many couples on the brink of divorce.

And I kept talking to them and they would lead me to believe that if they'd only talked about these things before they got married or even engaged and worked on it, that they would not be on the brink of divorce.

And selfishly, like as a therapist, if you see people on the verge, people like that just hate each other and resent each other so much for so long, it starts to...

really weigh on you.

Like we have, I have really good boundaries and I'm able to shut things off from one client to the next but over time over years of seeing just like oh my gosh another another couple who wants to divorce another person who's unhappy so I said you know what I'm gonna create a premarital counseling program to address all the major things it's a 10 session course and I just feel like if more people did that even if it was pre-engagement or even pre-cohabit cohabitation like there's levels I mean It all helps.

It all helps.

Knowing more about your partner before you're in the thick of it or before you're legally bound to them i think it's great

speaking of legally bound what about prenups are you a fan of those

i think that there's a time and a place for them absolutely yeah i

we

especially if you're a go-getter if you're an entrepreneur if uh your family has set things up for you a certain way yeah um

i don't see why it would be a problem wow I just don't.

And a lot of the states have laws that will protect you from getting completely wiped out

one way or the other.

If it comes up, you should probably do it because I think most people are happier that they did it than happier that they didn't.

Yeah.

But again, something to bring up with a therapist, especially a premarital counselor.

You know,

it's a perfect example of a topic that most people cannot talk to just,

you know, without their families or lawyers.

Like they just can't talk about it themselves.

Yeah.

Talk about it with a pro.

I think it's an awkward conversation to bring up because because it leads to fights sometimes, you know.

But it's also a sign of maturity that you're willing to admit that something might not work.

Once you're married, you can't have this idea that like, okay, well now we're married, we're good.

You cannot coast in a marriage.

The minute that you coast is when you start taking each other for granted and other things start looking better to you.

And that's often leads to at least a disconnect and at the worst, right, a really bad divorce.

So I think it's immature for couples to say, well, we don't want to think about what would happen in case of a divorce.

They're happening.

And it happens

pretty much every couple that gets a divorce, if you were to ask them, did you think this when you proposed or did you think this when you were walking down the aisle?

Did you think this would happen?

They're all going to say no, at least the vast majority of them.

For sure.

Nobody wants that.

It is not the easy out.

Staying together isn't easy.

Divorcing isn't easy.

But I'm glad that it is an option

for most people.

Is it true the divorce rate is 50%?

I saw that growing up.

Yeah, I think it's actually higher now.

Whoa.

I know.

We go through these trends.

I'm working on it.

I can only do my part.

I'm really trying to help couples to stay together in happy relationships.

You know, I was talking about this with some singles last night, and they're like, it seems like you're, one of them was saying, it seems like you're all about marriage.

Like, marriage is.

It's not so much marriage.

It's a healthy relationship.

Again, because it matters so much and it makes such a big difference in our experience of life.

Yeah.

And there are so many generations that are impacted by whether or not you're in a happy relationship.

And even like if you own a business,

your employees, like everybody is impacted, especially in small businesses, they're impacted by whether or not you're doing well.

Wow.

Yeah, I never thought of it that way, but that's true.

It has far-reaching ramifications.

So it really does make a big difference whether...

the head honchos are happy or not.

Yeah.

So out of everything you've seen when it comes to divorce, what are like the most common reasons that lead to them?

Lack of sexual connection.

Oh yeah.

That's a big one.

I would also say just a loss of respect for the other person.

If you no longer respect your partner, whether it's something that is like this big or huge, that's another thing that is really toxic and it can show up in so many different ways.

I'm always trying to help couples with that.

I would also say just

being led astray.

I mean, if you don't have a healthy connection, we're always seeking that.

I do believe that as individuals, we're always seeking healthy connections.

Whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, being able to talk to somebody and just feel good and be yourself, like that's something on a surface level that a lot of people want.

And usually we find somebody in a romantic setting so that we can connect both from a physical and an emotional standpoint often and they become our companions and it's like really it's just a nice experience of life but if you don't have that with your primary partnership

then it ends up being one of those things where they're gonna find it somewhere else and oftentimes it's work you know work becomes the other person right

but inevitably our sexual urges our sexual desires and our need to be wanted is something that wins out yeah

it's good to know Good to know as I prepare for this married life.

I know.

It's so exciting.

Oh, so in terms of initiating sex, do you think it should be a 50-50 thing?

I think as often as possible, sharing the load of initiation is so important.

Men tend to do a much better job of saying, okay, I'm going to ask.

I might be rejected.

So it's like a numbers game for them.

For a lot of women, I think they're socialized, and I'm trying to get the word out about this to all of my fellow women.

It is not only your partner's burden to bear.

Like, they wanna feel wanted.

A lot of women have been socialized to take it for granted that men always want to have sex with them and they're always gonna be ready for it.

In a monogamous relationship, you've taken out that possibility of them being chased by other people.

You need to be the one chasing them.

Most good men, and especially good sexual partners, they want to know that their partner wants this.

They want consent.

They want

eagerness.

They don't just want like, eh, eh, all right, fine, let's go.

And I think that a lot of women just take it for granted.

And then when I ask them, especially when I'm talking to my clients, what would it feel like if your partner did not show any sexual interest in you for the next three months?

And you should see the look on their faces.

They're like,

oh my gosh, I would feel terrible and I'd feel insecure.

And I'd, you know, I'm like, yeah, that's what a lot of men are dealing with.

Wow.

Because, you know, they can only do so much before it just feels like rejection after rejection after rejection.

Now, I do tell people, try not to say no and reject your partners more than twice in a row.

Oh, that's a good role to have.

Except when people are like, yeah, but what if he asked multiple times a day?

Okay, let's be real about this.

Yeah, twice in a row.

They're not going to ask a third time.

And then the other part of it is with initiation, it really can, if you're not used to it, it can feel like kind of scary and it can be nervous.

You know, like it can be one of those things where you're just awkward.

So find different ways of initiating, whether it's non-verbal.

You know, I have a candle line that I have and it has two wicks.

And I'm like, look, you light one.

And if the other person's open to it, they'll line the other.

If not, they put the lid on and try again tomorrow.

Wow.

Like some people just can't talk about it or think it's not that sexy or maybe they just don't really know how to seduce their partner.

Yeah.

So I take it out of their hands.

Wow.

I like that candle idea.

What about long-distance relationships?

Do you think those could work?

I think they can work.

I would suggest doing what a lot of my like celebrity clients do, and that is

don't go longer than two weeks.

Two weeks.

A lot can happen in two weeks.

A lot can.

So whenever possible, try not to go for longer than two weeks.

But yeah, absolutely.

And there are a lot of couples who are choosing to live apart together, meaning they have their own places, but they're still a couple and they're still together.

Not to say that they don't spend the night over at each other's places, but all in all, their homes are separate.

That's a really valid way of living your life, especially if your lifestyle is such where, you know, maybe you have different hours.

I talk to people about sleep divorce, you know, choosing to sleep in separate beds, even though you're happily married.

I'm a huge fan of that because sleep is so important.

It's so vital.

And people are grouchy.

Maybe they're night owls.

I don't know what your schedule is like, but it's such an important thing to get the, to get good sleep.

And if you, you know, I'm a night owl and a morning person, so I don't know.

I just don't sleep very much.

But my husband does not.

He needs to sleep.

And if that was constantly a battle, you know, I was, I'd be up watching a TV or I'd be reading and he's kind of like, I've been trying to sleep for like two and a half hours and I just can't with the light on.

So yeah, it's, I think it's a valid choice as long as your relationship and your connection is healthy and it doesn't feel like it's a symptom of something, like you need to be away from each other, yeah, then it's a good option.

Wow, that's cool.

I never heard of that.

So, you sleep in a separate bed from your husband?

Most of the time,

not all the time, but most of the time.

If I need to get really good sleep, yes.

And he doesn't even snore.

So, it's not that.

We just have really, he's a very light sleeper.

Yeah.

And I tend to like,

I'm that person who, if I have ideas, I get up and I write it down or use the restroom.

And for me,

we have kids, I was the one who was like, I'll be up tonight because I can fall right back asleep.

The minute, and I'm still the same way.

If I get up in the middle of the night, I go back and I'm like, out.

For him, if he has to get up, maybe the dog barks or something, he's up for another three hours trying to fall back asleep.

A lot of people have sleep issues.

And I mean, I would much rather sleep separate for those six to seven hours than to be grouchy, to be tired, to have health issues.

There's so many issues that come up medically for people who don't sleep well.

Wow.

And of course much more with like mood disorders and stuff.

We don't order another bed tonight.

Yeah,

absolutely.

It's totally valid.

Yeah, that's been an insightful episode.

Anything you want to close off with or promote?

Yeah, you know, I think it's important for people to know, even if you can't see me directly, right, one-to-one, I have an online program.

It's the Dr.

Viviana method for intimate reconnection so if you are struggling to reconnect with your partner after a long time of just sexually just not really being there or if you're worried about maybe being on the verge of that check it out drviana.com it's all there i have a book the four intimacy styles it's available on ebook i think it's a huge

a huge way for couples to learn very easily how to connect and why to connect sexually.

Nice.

Yeah, so check that out.

Love it.

Check it out, guys.

Thanks so much for coming on.

Thank you.

Thanks for watching, guys, and I'll see you next time.