Men's Dating Coach Alicia Justus Will Make You More Attractive! | Digital Social Hour #142

Most men focus on finding someone that they want to go to bed with instead of someone that they want to wake up with.

In my opinion, body count matters with women.

It has to do with chemistry.

Yeah.

And how we bond.

Wow.

Men don't bond in the same way.

So you don't think a high body count for a male is an issue, but for a female, it's...

I think it actually matters both ways.

So do you have a limit of people you want to date, or is there no limit on the body count?

I don't, I don't, I actually don't even think you should ever talk about that with your partner.

Really?

No, I don't.

Now I know you're a stylist.

How much do women actually care about what guys wear?

Oh my gosh.

It is so important.

Really?

You have one chance to make a first impression.

Don't look sloppy.

So all those times I was wearing sweatpants wasn't smart.

I wouldn't advise it.

All right, welcome back to the Digital Social Hour guys.

I'm your host, Sean Kelly.

I'm here with my guest today, Alicia Justice.

Hello.

How's it going?

Wonderful.

Thank you.

So you're pretty low-key, so I'm going to need you to explain what you do currently and your story, if possible.

Sure.

I'm a men's dating and relationship coach, and I also design custom menswear.

That's the platform of my company.

And I work with men of all ages, all backgrounds.

And the goal of what I do is to help men become the person that the person they're looking for is looking for right

so as a male dating coach what what are some common things you see guys screwing up on

um they think how a man thinks instead of thinking how a woman thinks and so they'll approach a woman or interpret conversation in how they interpret it versus how she's intending it right So oftentimes, my company name is called Navigating Venus.

And oftentimes they have a difficult time navigating the world of women because their interpretation of everything is through a man's perspective.

Well, I think like a man a lot.

I'm very logical.

But I also understand EQ, emotional intelligence.

So being able to kind of pair those two and help men navigate that space, that's what I do.

So it allows them to have more comfortability in engaging with women.

So when you have an understanding, it's like, you know, the laws of war, you understand your enemy.

It goes the same when you're trying to understand someone that you want to connect with because you cannot build connection without an understanding of that person.

Why do you think a lot of guys struggle with emotional intelligence?

I'm a little guilty of this myself, but I see it in a lot of my guy friends as well.

I think we're taught to be fearful of emotions, but emotions are just teachers.

They're teaching you about your relationship to the situation, to that person, versus it's not something to be feared.

Like if you're scared of something,

where is that core fear coming from?

And oftentimes, that the fear is what dictates a lot of our behavior because it's something that's unknown.

Most, like, where do you actually learn to have emotional intelligence?

Where do you actually learn to have connection with yourself to be able to understand what am I actually feeling?

Where is this even coming from?

Because usually it's not coming from the situation.

The situation is just triggering something in you that's a lot deeper.

So, that's what I help men do is really dive into that space.

I create a safe space for them to be able to do that.

And so, then they have emotional intelligence themselves and then they can approach a situation differently because that, because they're in a grounded space.

So that you change your point of attraction.

Yeah, because it's not really taught like

the emotion part at all.

Especially the guys.

It was my own self-discovery that really helped me to understand this.

And because I used to be very reactive and now I'm not.

Now I look at a situation.

If something is bothering me, I look at it and say, okay, what is it that I need to garner from this?

Is there a lesson?

Is there something that I need to grow?

Is there something that I need to heal?

And so when you start to do that self-reflection, that is, honestly, that's where your power is because you're like, you're not

waved in different directions.

You're not pulled in all these different directions and scattered.

You have this sense of self because you're able to understand yourself.

Most people lack a connection with themselves, so they cannot connect fully with other people.

And you can't have intimacy if you cannot do that.

Yeah.

So what are your clients like?

Are they successful financially or is it kind of a spread?

You know, it's a spread.

Um,

I would say most are, most are pretty driven,

but they are all different kinds of personalities, all different backgrounds, all different ages.

Um, I think my youngest is 26, and my oldest is 62.

Wow, so I mean, it's yeah, it's a big gap.

That's a big gap, yeah.

And do you see the guys with more financial success have it easier?

Different challenges.

Right.

It's different.

Sometimes

we use the term high-value man, and oftentimes most people associate that with financial wealth.

Right.

But a high-value man is someone who pursues excellence in everything that they do.

Wealth follows that mindset.

So to me, a high-value man is someone with that mindset.

They may or may not be at a point where they're, you know, have a certain level of affluence yet, but their mindset is what's going to get them there right so i really try to establish what a high value man and what a high quality man is with and have them really focus on those those qualities because if you can shift the mindset everything else stems from that i love that uh so what are some things guys can do on a first date that will leave the girl just mesmerized be interested Ask questions about her.

Find out what her interests are,

what she likes doing, who she is as a person, because you should be just as selective with who you share your energy with as she is.

And understand, is this a quality woman that I actually want to wake up next to versus go to sleep with?

I think most men focus on finding someone that they want to go to bed with instead of someone that they want to wake up with.

That's powerful.

I like that.

That's so true.

Guys are just focused on...

Bright, shiny things.

Yeah.

And then how do you you know, like, if it's going to work out long term?

Are there signs?

Is there anything that's tangible?

You have to look at the whole person.

Are they someone who is in their feminine, meaning that they're not going to try and utilize their ego or their status to overpower you?

Because you don't want competition.

You want complementary qualities, right?

And a woman who feels secure in herself, is connected to herself, she can either either propel that man to his to his destiny to his purpose or she can hold him back so being very selective with who you You know spend your energy with or share energy with right and sometimes they need to go on a lot of dates to get practice dating is a skill it is being able to be

Be a you know Someone who offers value in a social setting and being able to create those connections and have charisma.

Charisma to me is is the balance of intelligence and wit.

So when you have those two, that's like the magic combo for everybody.

Right.

Right.

And most people, they're really strong in one area and then they lack in another.

So I try to build up the areas.

What I do is I show a mirror to guys.

Like a relationship is your greatest mirror.

It will teach you where you need to grow still, where you need to evolve.

And when you're not in a relationship, who holds that mirror up to you?

Who makes you accountable?

Who says, these are where your blind spots are?

Because we all have them.

It's very difficult to look at yourself unless you really purpose yourself to do that.

And so that's what I do.

I create a very safe space where there's no judgment.

Everything's confidential.

But I say, here, these are the spots where you need to take a look and see if we can tweak or if we need to shift a thought process.

And I always say, whatever your triggers and patterns of behavior are, that is how you navigate to your soul.

That is how you navigate to your core.

And it's really imperative to do that work.

You, you cannot show up fully and authentically if you do not do that.

You have to have the connection to yourself and the understanding of yourself before you can even approach a relationship.

Yeah, that makes sense.

So oftentimes

I may or may not actually, you know, follow them on a date or, you know, do stuff like that to, you know, hey, go approach this woman or, you know, give tips like that.

A lot of the bread and butter of what I do is one-on-one with these guys to develop that.

Because especially if they didn't have a father who did that or they didn't have, you know, if they had a single mom who had to work to support, you don't have that.

It's just, it's just, you just don't.

So I try to offer that to them.

And that's what I do.

So you've literally followed a client on a date?

I'll be off to the side.

Yeah.

That's funny.

Wow.

I mean, they don't, they don't know I'm there.

Oh, they don't know?

No.

And I don't do, I don't listen.

I don't need to.

I look at body language.

Wow.

So tell me about body language then.

well so if you're on a date with a woman and if she reaches over touches your arm yeah that's a really good indicator that she has some interest in you right a woman who is not paying attention like a red flag to me is someone who's on their phone all the time

you should not do that on a date if you need to check something or you know if you have it on if you have a kid or something i i understand that there's always that but then you address it and say oh you know what i'm sorry i need to check my phone and then you go from there you know you but then you get off and you show respect to that person and i think living honorably that shows honor to that person regardless of who they are right i think what happens a lot of times is we dictate our behavior based on everyone else like oh she knows how to pull my buttons or push my buttons or um

you know she knows how to get me or whatever i my question is is why are you giving her that control why does her behavior dictate yours you should operate to your set of core values at all times.

One is you will always be a gentleman.

I believe that a man should pay on a first date.

It sets a precedent saying, hey, I got this.

I want to instill confidence in this.

It's not about

a woman taking advantage of the situation.

Some women will.

Some women will do that.

And if she does,

you chalk it up to a loss.

And you say, okay, that's not the type of woman that I want.

I want someone who also honors me in that space.

But you have to set the precedent that you are going to be the gentleman, that you are going to be an honorable man, and you operate from that space always.

So you believe in the traditional values, basically.

I don't even like that term.

It's a man's,

in his masculine.

A man is designed to be a provider.

He is designed to be a penetrator.

How he penetrates the world is how he will penetrate his woman.

So I always advise women.

I don't typically coach women, but how I advise women is look at how he is.

Think about how he makes you feel does do you feel safe and secure when you're around him not how you feel about him and that's where i think women in particular go wrong is oh he has this and i i like this and blah blah blah well that's that doesn't actually yield any sort of substance right because you're planning out a wedding for a guy that you just know three aspects about and that's it versus actually saying is this someone that I could build a life with?

A man needs to be the foundation.

Not, not.

So they have to be grounded in order to do that.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Now, I know you're a stylist.

How much do women actually care about what guys wear?

Oh my gosh.

It is so important.

Really?

You have one chance to make a first impression.

Don't look sloppy.

So all those times I was wearing sweatpants wasn't smart?

I wouldn't advise it.

It's one thing if you're, honestly, I like creative dates, like going to a yoga class, try something new.

And that's when a lot of people get into ruts is they do the same thing over and over again.

Whenever you try something new, you're always in a space of vulnerability.

And if you can get comfortable being vulnerable, trying something new, not worrying about your ego, the ego serves to protect us, but it also will enslave you.

And that's how you get into ruts and then you become stagnant.

And being stagnant is boring.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of stagnancy.

No.

Do you have any stories of clients that have led to like a long-term relationship or a marriage or anything?

One is now in a relationship, and from how he reports to me, is that it's very healthy.

Nice.

He's learned a lot about how to operate, how to lead.

And I mean, he'll still send me like, hey, I got a quick question for you or whatever.

But

I don't work with him now other than styling.

I do his clothes.

But he has graduated, so to speak.

Nice.

I'm pretty good at saying, no, this is, I feel like this is where you need to step out.

I remember I had

I had one client who he didn't want he wasn't ready to date he felt like he wasn't ready and I actually encouraged him I said I don't think you need another session with me I think you need to go and do it we can have a session after but you need to step out on that ledge right now right he was pretty well prepared you like anytime we had a session he took notes he was you know very attentive yeah and he actually did the work yeah there's people that will just take notes all day but they won't actually execute because they're nervous nervous.

Yeah.

And why are we nervous?

I think there's this denial.

Fear of rejection.

Yeah.

But what if you change your framework around it?

What if you said, okay, I'm going to approach this woman.

I have no idea what her day is like today.

I have no idea her background, right?

What if she is just not in an emotional capacity to actually have a conversation with me?

She's not rejecting you.

She's in a different space that you are unaware of.

So one of the books that I utilize quite a lot in my curriculum is The Four Agreements.

Take nothing personally.

And

so when you are approaching a woman, whether or not she agrees to talk with you or have a conversation,

it may or may not have anything to do with you.

Right.

So if it's repetitive, it's a pattern and no women engage with you, then you need to look at yourself, say, okay, what is it that I need to tweak to have a different approach?

But if it's just one, who cares?

Yeah, you can't base it off just one.

You need a sample pool.

Yes, you do.

You do.

So, what's the correct way to approach a woman?

Say you're at the grocery store or somewhere public.

How do they like to be approached?

Body language.

That's another thing, too.

You know, is she sitting like this?

Is she closed off?

Or is she standing up and she's open?

She's smiling.

She's lively.

You can just start a conversation, compliment her, you know, or ask a question.

That's a big one.

Say, hey, you know, I haven't been to this restaurant before.

Have you?

Do you have a favorite?

Simple.

Simple.

Simple, yeah.

I think guys overthink it.

Yeah.

They're like preparing pickup lines with each other and it's like, just be natural, you know.

Oh, I've heard some interesting ones.

Those don't even work, right?

Pick up lines.

I mean, if they're really cheesy and it's obvious that they're joking, sure.

Okay.

Yeah.

But I mean,

you have to be pretty

on point with the rest of it to be able to approach a woman like that.

You have to be able to show your value.

And

but you have to actually have the value to show.

I don't believe that a lot of guys will try and date, but they don't have enough money to actually provide security.

And I'm not saying that women shouldn't contribute.

I don't subscribe to that.

I work really hard, obviously.

I love being a contributor in a relationship, but

it kind of does set a precedent saying, I got you.

I'm going to create security here for you.

And

if you're just looking to get laid, then do that.

That's, that's your prerogative.

But if you actually want a quality woman, this is how you need to approach.

You need to be in your masculine and

providing that kind of safe space for her because that will allow her to be in her feminine.

That makes sense.

Going back to the stylist stuff, have you ever gone on a date, your date pulled up, and you're just like, no, you're, no, this isn't going to work.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So what'd you say?

I'm generally very polite and I'm gracious.

I believe in, and you can still choose to engage with them.

I just know that I probably won't date them.

Um,

but I still will, you never know.

I look at building relationships and I have,

you know, I have a huge network of a lot of different men, all different backgrounds, because I've chosen to operate in that capacity.

Right.

If you're polite and kind and respectful, you can still have a relationship with that person.

It just won't be romantic.

Because what happens if you want to build a business relationship with them down the road?

Right.

You know,

unless they're doing something that's really inappropriate, which I generally don't get men that are that inappropriate just because of how I carry myself.

But

yeah.

Do you think it's smart for guys to be friends with girls?

I actually, I think it's healthy

because women can give you insight into the woman's psyche.

And I think that the men who say, I don't have any girlfriends, it's because they think in terms of I don't have that kind of self-control.

Now, I have a lot of guy friends that are legitimately guy friends.

I've had one that I've had for 25 years.

We have never been romantic.

And he's, we're so, we don't live in the same area, but we are very, very close.

And we have had respect the entire time.

He knew my ex-husband.

You know, we was always a certain level of comfortability there.

But it was respectful always.

Now, I'm not saying that if I were to say, hey, let's go hook up, he probably wouldn't, honestly, but because they wouldn't want to jeopardize the friendship.

That's a long friendship, it is 25 years, yeah.

But even when it was, you know, newly forming, I don't think that would have happened.

And that's rare, I feel like.

I feel like most girls could call up the guy and they'd say yes.

A boundary, maybe, because men don't, men don't bond in the same way that, uh, sexually that women do.

We produce our body chemistry is completely different.

We produce a ton of oxytocin, which allows us to bond, which is why, you know, in my opinion, body count matters with women.

It has to do with chemistry, yeah, and how we bond.

Men don't bond in the same way.

Men, it takes, it takes different levels of connection, and it takes longer for them to actually bond to someone.

So you don't think a a high body count for a male is an issue, but for a female, it's could be an issue?

I I think it actually matters both ways because if someone is you know hooked up with 400 people how they can't build a connection with any of those people and then it's expendable to them right so and i think that if you're gonna give your body and your energy away that easily where's your value because you don't actually value yourself in that way yeah and i think that's why it matters not because of what society says it matters because you don't have connection to yourself yeah that makes sense so do you have a limit of people you want to date or is there no limit on the body count?

I don't, I don't, I actually don't even think you should ever talk about that with your partner.

Really?

No, I don't.

I,

the reason being is most people will judge you

subconsciously.

They don't even realize that they're doing it.

If you've had s to two people your whole life, they're going to say, oh, he's inexperienced or, you know, whatever.

That kind of, that kind of thing.

Or if you've had s a lot,

then they'll think, oh, he's just a slot.

so either way like you know you can have a little bit of mystery in a relationship interesting so you keep certain stuff private I think so yeah because some people their philosophy is you should tell them everything at a certain point maybe yeah but not in the beginning you need to understand who it and you can't do that with your time you have to put in the time and the effort and being able to discern having discernment you can't do that if your energy is being expended in all these different areas.

You have to be able to slow down, pause, and then

revisit it.

So I try to change the energy dynamic in, I don't, that's what I do is I facilitate an energy change with the guys that are there.

Because if you change your paradigm, you change your perspective a little bit, it opens up a completely new way of operation.

Yeah.

That's interesting.

But I do, I'm a firm believer.

Most of my clients that come to me for coaching, I generally do a few outfits for them because you need, especially guys that have a hard time finding stuff off the rack.

Say they have really long legs or a

problem.

Yeah.

And finding clothes that actually fit and look nice.

So usually they just give up.

They don't realize that you can have custom.

It will come to you custom fitted to your body with all of the selections.

Yeah.

And you put on an outfit like that.

I mean, you will automatically get looked.

Looked at.

Yes.

Oh, absolutely.

Wow.

I didn't know girls actually cared that much.

That's interesting.

I've been in a relationship for six years, so I'm out of the game, but that's interesting.

Yeah.

Women do.

And it changes how you feel, too.

If you feel like I look on point, I look great.

I mean, it's like, it's like doing the super.

I always tell people, do the Superman pose.

It sounds stupid, but it changes your body chemistry and it changes how you approach something.

Yeah.

So when you stand there and you are in the

body position that says, I can do this,

it opens up everything for you.

That's how you approach it.

and confidence not cockiness confidence is rooted in in your core values and when you approach something confidently you establish trust in other people yeah that's why i always say this this is why nice guys nice guys are androgynous right they go they meld into every other person there

and it doesn't and the reason being is because they don't establish trust

When a man walks in and says, I got this, I can do this, this is who I am,

that automatically triggers a woman to say, okay, I can trust this man because he's being authentic.

And he actually is confident in his skill set

and who he is.

That makes a lot of sense.

That's why confidence is attractive.

Yeah.

I was a nice guy in high school and I got no girls.

So nice guys.

Yeah.

Nice guys finish last, right?

Women cannot trust a passive man.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was just catering to all their needs.

Yeah.

And because you don't have a sense of self.

Yeah.

So you don't have a point of attraction.

Yeah, I grew up.

My dad wasn't in my life, so I was a mama's boy.

And I think I was just too nice.

Like, it sounds weird to say that, but yeah, girls aren't attracted to that.

No, they're not.

And

don't be a nice guy.

Be a kind man.

You should always be a gentleman, but

it should come from a place of certainty.

So that way you can build trust in the opposite s.

Right.

And that, I mean, really, it goes for women too.

That's why, you know, a woman says, I don't trust guys.

No, it's not that you don't trust guys.

You don't trust yourself.

You don't trust your own judgment.

Wow.

That's deep.

How important are love languages?

I just took the test, actually.

I found out I think acts of service was number one for me.

But do you believe in that stuff?

Oh, yeah.

Before, before I even do a coaching session, I have them do a personality profile.

I have them, because I don't know them, right?

So I want to know how they receive information and I want to know different aspects about them.

So I have them do an attachment style quiz, which I actually think is even more significant in relationships than love languages.

Okay.

And a love language test.

So I understand how they give and receive love.

And sometimes how you give love is not necessarily how you receive it.

Right.

So it, you know, understanding that about yourself and creating, that's really what I do: I facilitate a deeper connection and understanding of yourself.

So that way you can understand other people.

Yeah.

What's the attachment style one?

I haven't heard about that one.

Oh, it's money.

Yeah.

It's so good.

When you understand how you attach to people, there are three main attachment styles: secure, avoidant, and anxious.

So if you fall into any of those categories, it helps you to understand, one,

the pattern of behavior that you may have learned from your childhood, which is usually what dictates a lot of your behavior.

Our subconscious, which is formed years one through six,

dictates 90% of our behavior.

We're not even conscious of it.

It's how our brains are wired.

So if you become more conscious of different aspects that rule and dictate how you operate, that allows you to change it.

Because you can't change anything that you don't understand or take responsibility for.

So I really try to navigate people out of the victim mindset and empower them to create a different reality for themselves.

Stop telling yourself an old story.

Most people write one chapter of their life and they replay it over and over and over again instead of starting a new chapter.

Yeah.

So rewrite it.

Rewrite the script because it's your life.

You get to do that.

You're the author I like that I mean that's powerful a lot of people live in the past oh my gosh and then they replay it over and over and over again yeah I generally will have them tell me once and if they try to go back and revisit it we already touched on that we don't need to go back yeah and you're articulating you're literally sending energy out into the universe saying this is what I want because energy doesn't understand don't it says oh i'm i'm focusing on that so whatever you focus on will get bigger exactly so if you had one thing most

players or bad boys probably were a good man at one point.

Then they had something happen to them that deeply wounded them.

And so to prevent that wounding again, they changed their, they changed their strategy.

Right.

And then they became hard.

That's so true.

I've seen so many guys that's happened to.

And I have friends that aren't even over their exes from high school.

And it's like been 10, 15 years.

And it's like, what's your advice for people that can't get over a breakup?

you have to revisit it and heal it and then let it go and really being conscious of your language being impeccable with your word

speaking whatever you speak you give life to

so

start changing the language around it and

you know I'll

help to reformat their thought process around it because they're interpreting it from a very limited perspective.

That's how we, I mean, subjectively, that that's a very limited perspective.

Whereas I have much more of an objective point of view.

And I also, because I am a woman, I understand how they think.

I understand how they operate.

And then when you try to reframe it, saying she didn't know better, she did the best that she could in that circumstance.

And she's probably operating from a sense of wounding and unhealed trauma herself.

So that will deflect.

And when you understand that

you are not a victim, everything happens for you.

You have to understand how to garner those lessons.

Everything in life is a lesson or a blessing.

Usually it's both, but it depends on how you receive that information and then how you, what you do with it.

So some people want to claim victimhood and say, oh, they did this to me, blah, blah, blah.

But you accepted it.

What you accept, you will get.

So accept different.

Yeah, they always say it's their fault and all that, but some of the blame is on you.

Absolutely.

Anyone who's been divorced, and so this is a red red flag that I say, is if you're on a date with someone and they've been divorced or they have had a series of

relationships that have not worked out,

how do they talk about them?

Do they say, oh, it's all their fault?

They did this.

They did that.

That means they don't take responsibility for themselves.

Yeah, that's a good one.

I like that one.

When people talk negatively about their ex-partner or ex-friend, it's a turn off for me.

It is.

Because,

I mean,

then you're going to be,

you might be that person.

Exactly.

You will be that person eventually.

How someone speaks is so indicative of what is going on in their spirit.

Yeah.

And does someone use the F word every other word?

Are they angry in their language?

What word choice do they use?

It is, it's so imperative to actually pay attention to those little things.

And I think that's where a lot of my skill set is, is I pick up on a lot of, I pick up on body language.

I pick up on voice intonation the words that someone uses how they articulate things where their focus is I pay attention to a lot of that stuff and that's really where a lot of my skill set came came comes from with being able to read these guys and really get to the nitty-gritty and the core issues of what it is that they're dealing with Those are valuable skills because if you had even just the body language skill, you would know on a first date if they're into you or not.

Oh, you know, in the first few minutes.

Women decide very quickly whether or not this is someone that I will sleep with or date.

Really?

Oh, very quickly.

Wow.

Yeah.

It's rare that that's why I say I think it's really important to have a couple really on-point outfits.

You don't have to wear a suit, you know, but you do need to look clean, well put together, because it goes back to establishing trust.

Do I look scattered?

Is my energy all over the place?

Did I actually put any thought into this?

Am I trying to offer you my best, the best version of myself?

Yeah.

Because if you don't and you're just sloppy well you're probably going to be sloppy in other areas of your life that's true and being aesthetically pleasing is important yeah it is you need you have to have that attractiveness you can't not take care of your health you can't not take care of what you look like

because that that's just a reflection of everything else going on in your life yep how you do one thing is how you do everything right and that's called that's living in integrity

being being consistent throughout all of the different areas of your life that to me is integrity

Alicia, it's been a pleasure.

What are you doing next and where can people find you?

You can find me on Instagram at Alicia.m.justice.

And I will be starting a book in September.

Okay.

Yeah, I have a co-author that we're going to be collaborating with.

Nice.

So I'm excited to get that started.

It'll be on, we're not sure the trajectory of where it's going to go yet, but we'll...

It'll be on human dynamics, the interpersonal relationships between the masculine and feminine.

And I think what my biggest goal is, is to facilitate communication between them.

It's not men versus women, it's men and women.

And to be able to communicate between the two sexes, I think, is what is really lacking because we don't have that connection.

If you have connection, you have security because you cannot, if you don't have connection, that's when you start to question things.

And really, it's about trust, and trust is established through connection.

Love it.

Guys, if you need help with your dating life, hit Alicia.

Other than that, thanks for watching.

I'll see you next time.