The News Quiz: Ep 4. Gear shifting and Shoplifting

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Welcome to the Newsquiz.

I am Andy Zolkman.

In case you're wondering, after last week's show from Dundee, we did eventually make it back south after Storm Aoen gave us a slightly longer-than-planned stay in Scotland and brought Wild Mayhem across the country.

Now I'm not saying it definitely was divine retribution for us sending Liz Truss and Nigel Farage the other way across the ocean for Trump's inauguration, but I am saying we definitely cannot rule that out as an explanation.

Our teams this week, we have Team Grasp the Nettle versus Team Swiftly Remember Why Gloves Were Invented.

On Team Nettle, we have Hugo Rifkin and Simon Evans.

And on Team Gloves, Susie McCabe and Athena Toblenu.

And our first question, I'll give this to Hugo first.

What is the defining mission of the Starma government, according to A, the Prime Minister in an article in The Times this week, and B, according to you?

Well, it's a secret.

They can't tell us.

They got the mission a few months ago on one of those old-fashioned reels of tape and listened to it and were asked if they wanted to accept it and then it burst into flames.

And we just have to hope they remember what it is because there's no way of finding out now, certainly not from the plot, but there's going to be a lot of running and a lot of stunts.

Rachel Reeves pulling her face off

and being

Margaret Thatcher underneath.

But apart from that, it's growth.

According to them, it's growth.

According to me,

according to me, I think it's to find Ed Milliband.

Right.

Because where is he?

He's been gone for ages.

It's like.

He's going round and round on a huge wind turbine.

Strapped on.

It's like they've left him somewhere, like under a book or something.

I don't know, it's really odd.

It's like, where's Wally?

But it's, well, where's Wallace, I suppose.

Where's Wallace was the original working title for the film Braveheart.

So I mean, what, according to you, what is the defining mission of the Starmer Government?

Well, I quite like the idea of it being, you know, the five-year mission of my youth was James T.

Kirk's five-year mission, the starship or the Starma Enterprise, to

seek out new worlds and new civilizations and see if we could persuade them to come and live in Birmingham.

All right, you guys, what would you say is the defining mission of the Starmer Government?

To try and be as far away from the Labour Party principles as they possibly can.

It's one of two things I can't work out.

It's either to build a Death Star

or to get free tickets to Glastonbury every year.

This was an article in the Times, Hugo.

You write for The Times.

Yeah, I didn't write that one.

Right.

Is this

paving the way for a job swap?

I mean, how would you say that?

This is Kirsten's article, where he was writing about he wants to sweep away regulation.

He's very big on that, although it was really confusing because he likened regulation to Japanese knotweed.

Yes.

But he said he's pro-growth, but he wants to cut the thing that's like Japanese knotweed, which is the thing that grows the most.

But he also said we have shifted gears with a raft of pro-growth deregulation policies.

And the one place you don't get gears is on a raft.

That's a pedalo.

So it was like it was a thicket of mixed metaphors coming at us like a runaway train out of a cannon.

It's pretty ambitious, though, isn't it, to want to create growth.

I understand.

I believe that growth might be their agenda, but it's not just about regulations.

You can't achieve net zero and make power four times more expensive than is the average in the other OECD countries and then expect growth to happen.

I mean, technically, if the power companies are earning four times as much, that's growth.

I suppose so.

Yeah, win-win.

Growth in jumpers.

In the paper, so Tom Peck, our sketch writer, pointed out that where Rachel Reeves made her speech about growth was in a factory where they'd shut down all the machines so she could make a speech about growth.

And if you want growth, what you don't want to do is shut down all the massive machines behind you and then stand in front of them saying we're going to have the machines doing more.

What about when Rachel started talking about her seventy mile growth corridor?

I thought, well you

should get an ointment for that love.

That sounds like Japanese not wheat.

I did feel a little bit sorry sorry for Kemi Badenot, though, having to try and critique this, you know, during Prime Minister's questions and so on, because her line of attack was essentially, you're just doing all the things that we said we were going to do.

You did have 14 years to try and crack on with it.

I think the Tories are realising they made a mistake electing Kemmi Badenot.

I think they're realising they made a mistake electing someone.

who's a Tory, basically, because they carry a burden with them of the previous failures.

Should have probably just like picked someone at random or maybe had a game show, like, kind of, you know, there's something when they try and get the lead in sound of music or something.

One of those, you know.

I thought you were just going to stop there when you said they made a mistake in picking someone

rather than just an aching void of nothingness, which I think is what the public is thirsting for in politics.

They could have done it like if I got news for you with a rotating host for the next five years.

I mean, they did that for the last five years.

I I also quite like the idea if we're going to have all these gardening and agriculture messages and metaphors and politics, out with Rachel Reeves and with Charlie Demock.

That's what I say.

That's what I say.

I want a browless red-headed siren looking after the economy.

Andy, it's your time.

All right, let's have another question.

This can go to Susie and Athena.

In an effort to boost growth, Chancellor Rachel Reeves announced that a third what

will come to pass.

Oh, I'm very excited about this.

We're going to get Greece 3.

It's the runway, isn't it?

Heathrow.

You had to get a taxi from Dundee, Edinburgh, but yet Heathrow gets a third runway.

I'm just saying, is it any wonder Scotland is grumpy?

It's the decline of the Labour Party, isn't it?

It's from Tony Blair in the third way to Kirstarborough in the third runway.

There was another transport project announced, which is a train line from Oxford to Cambridge.

Thank the Lord.

Let me tell you, there's six million people up the road who have been in tender hooks about the Oxford to Cambridge rail line.

It's all right, Glasgow, don't worry about the poverty.

I mean, look, I mean, if the HS2 doesn't unlock the Northern Powerhouse and the Scottish economy by making it very slightly quicker to get from London to Birmingham, surely an Oxbridge train line will.

And we can add an annual university train race to the sporting calendar.

Does this excite you, Simon?

No, I think it's an excellent idea, yes.

I mean, I can see why it's open for mockery, but these are elite organisations.

They're one of the few things in which the British people really do lead the world.

Oxford and Cambridge are offering the top five of the universities in the world.

They're the only non-American universities in the top ten, along with Imperial.

I think they should create a triangle.

I think, in fact, our country should be formed of a series of interlocking triangles triangles between centres of excellence.

I would like to see Norwich and Ipswich, I've said it before, be restored to their medieval status as centres of excellence for the wool trade.

I guess when the Oxbridge train is broken, you get on a rail replacement service to Durham or Bristol.

So, Ostam has been criticised for the environmental impact of some of these growth policies, particularly the third runway.

Will he be able to hit net zero?

I'm talking about environmental goals rather than his approval rating.

The third runway is going to have an impact on net zero, obviously, and we are after.

I mean, unless they make it only available to battery-powered flights or something, I don't know, or just gliders or something.

It is thumbing its nose at anyone who has, yes, is encountering the expenses of running a vehicle of any kind.

But I think it could possibly be offset by expanding the network of cycle lanes.

And in particular, I would like to see a series of cycle lanes through London that are only available to Jeremy Vine.

So, well, the government's made various suggestions for how to spark growth via infrastructure projects.

Let's see if our panelists have got any better ones.

So, what can get this country moving, Athena?

I'll host the Olympics all the time.

Right.

Yeah, every four years, just have it here, because that was great and I really enjoyed that.

And it'll be in a different city every four years in this country.

Done.

I'd like to see more bat tunnels.

Right.

You heard about the bat tunnel.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a bat tunnel that was in Buckinghamshire that they built to save the bats and it cost £100 million,

which they worked out was £300,000 per bat.

And obviously, the obvious problem, because basically this tunnel, it was a tunnel that went over a railway line so the bats didn't get hit by trains.

You know, these things are meant to be able to navigate in the dark, because you think they could spot a train, particularly the speeds they move in this country.

But the fundamental flaw with it was basically this is a tunnel for the trains, not for the bats.

But the thing bats really, really like famously is tunnels.

So if you build a tunnel, the bats are going to go in the tunnel, they're not going to be out the tunnels.

But I think the problem was there weren't enough bat tunnels.

So, if you actually leave the train running free but cover the rest of Britain in bat tunnels,

problem solved, right?

Yeah, and a big project.

Yeah,

what about if we maybe rejoin the customs union or the EU?

That might boost growth again.

Leave the bats alone, man.

It's funny, that's the one thing they don't say.

They're like, oh, there's no trade, there's no growth, no one's coming here, no one intelligence coming here, no one wants to work here.

Can't think why.

And then they say, maybe Nigel Farage can solve this problem.

It's like, oh.

It is interesting and perhaps counterintuitive and not what we expected that since Britain withdrew from the European Union, we have swung massively to the left and the European Union is now starting to embrace the politics of the 1930s.

I don't know.

These things are quite curious.

You're not seeing an enormous amount of growth in Europe at the moment.

Whether that's because we're not there, I don't know.

I'm a big fan of Europe.

I grew up there.

Grew up in a lovely little European town called Tunbridge Wells,

900 miles north of Barcelona.

Or if you're in Tallinn, just head west and keep going.

But I would love your

continent, Europe.

Any continent that can produce both Michelangelo and Michael Atherton.

Right, yes.

So, well, this is the message from the Prime Minister and the Chancellor this week.

Here, Starmer pledged to the nation that he would be...

Hang on, we need to make this sound a bit more convincing than Starma generally manages.

The killer of weeds, the kicker-down of barriers, the axe-wielding, chainsawing, slayer of red tapes, the grasper of nettles, the unleasher of progress, for I am Stamzi, the indestructible one.

Fear my power.

He promised to speed up decision-making.

Maybe try improving it as well as speeding it up.

That might be arguably even more important.

I mean, if the speeded up decision is to make another HS2-style call to boost the economy and quality of life of people in the north of England and reduce urban deprivation in Scotland by let's say building a high-speed ice canal link from Islington to Bognar Regis, that might not be what the country needs.

But

for now Heathrow's third runway remains up in the air, which is the budget cheaper option for it, of course.

Obviously trying to boost growth and national prosperity with infrastructure projects is a bit square these days.

Far easier to do it as we learn from our American superiors by persecuting minorities and renaming geographical features.

Then maybe we just need to tweak the Irish Sea to the UK Northern Irish Sea, Spain to North Gibraltar,

Denmark to West Northumberland, and the North Sea to the newly branded Madbets 247C casino.

The problem is, looking back at the UK over the last few decades of deregulated wealth creation and the North Sea oil boom, is that rather than mending the roof while the sun shone, we sold the roof while the sun shone.

Conservative Shadow Chancellor Mel Stride said the government, quote, does not understand business or where wealth comes from.

Of course, the previous Tory government also appeared not to know where wealth came from, but at least it did have a very good steer on where the wealth was going to.

Right, at the end of that round, the scores are three points all.

I'm Glenn Washington, the host of Snap Judgment from KQED.

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Our next question.

According to research, British people do it more than twice as much as the French.

We also do it more than twice as much as the Americans.

What

is it slagging off Americans and the French?

It's online shopping, isn't it?

I love this story because Britain loves online shopping more than anyone else in the world, but simultaneously moan at the dilapidation on our city's high streets.

So it's like, we love the high street.

I like the idea of it being pretty, but I don't want to leave the house.

So I'm just going to go online and do it.

Brilliant, it's the most British thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

It's like moaning, queuing, and the rain.

It's just tremendous.

I think the fact that we are doing online shopping because we don't want to go out because all our high streets are ruined with charity shops, sunbed shops, and no actual shops, and we just moan about it all.

What a country!

It's not destroying the high street as much as we think it is because I don't know if you've been to a post office recently, but nothing is thriving more in this online economy than the queue for the bloody post office.

Oh my god, it comes out the door.

Amazon wants to start delivering things by drones.

Did you see that?

Yes.

They've got in Darlington what they call a pilot scheme, which is so obviously the wrong name.

They're doing it in Darlington.

They're massive things, the drones.

And I was speaking to somebody about this this week, so it's interesting to see how it works, how you're going to stop people like, you know, stealing the drones, stealing the stuff from the drones.

And I was told the thing is the drones, they're not going to land with the stuff.

They're just going to drop the stuff from like 15 to 20 feet up.

And they had an earlier pilot scheme in America where they did this, and they tested it out by dropping something in people's driveways.

And the thing they decided that was the perfect thing to drop in people's driveways was cans of soup.

Can you imagine anything more terrifying than being bombed with soup by an Amazon drone?

If you deliver the can of soup from the drone at the right angle,

you can bounce it along a reservoir to somebody who lives on top of the dam.

Through the letterbox, yeah.

Well, the problem is, as well, like you won't be able to go to the post office anymore when you want to return it.

You're just going to have to stand in the garden and throw it up.

It's really dangerous.

But who's ordering soup online?

I mean, who's Uber-eating all of our tomato soup, please?

That's too far.

That's too far.

My mother, for my birthday last year, sent me from Amazon a can of Haggis.

Did it take out the dog on the way down?

I would like to know how much of the online shopping is done whilst drunk, because I think that's the key factor, isn't it?

That gives us the edge over the face.

It's the late night, yeah.

I enjoy that, late at night.

You have a cup, you know, a decent glass of shopping scotch,

and

you're sitting there in your pants, and nobody knows anything.

If you shop in the high street, you're judged.

You can feel people looking at you, can't you?

As you're rifling through the opportunities, but in the future,

what are you doing?

Surely I have demonstrated that I'm not willing to divulge that.

No, I feel guilty about this because, yeah, the high street is in a terrible state.

And I was partly to blame as well.

In the 80s, I got my first Saturday job as in Dixon's selling computers from the high street.

It's like suicide, right?

We didn't think about it at the time.

But we are going to have to think about alternatives for the high street because it's becoming very dismal, isn't it?

And I think basically kennelling for students is probably the most obvious thing.

Just Just sort of move students in there in the evenings, basically.

But we're we're not spending more time shopping, we're just spending more money.

Something like Britain spends like two hours a week internet shopping, and the Chinese spend eight hours a week internet shopping, but spend far less money.

And I don't know if that's because everything's just cheaper in China, or if they're just really bad at it.

They've got three thousand characters on their keyboards, so that's fine.

What's the one that looks like a can of soup?

But so much of what we buy comes from China, like Xi'an and countries like that.

So we're spending two hours, obviously, like buying from these companies, and they're just spending eight hours laughing at us.

Yeah, so despite being world leaders in online shopping, we spend little time doing it.

So are we more impulsive or just more efficient?

Do we just buy the first thing we see before working out exactly what to do with our shiny new Freddy Krueger-themed fridge freezer or that consignment of Balinese fighting fighting fish that we always wanted?

I think we're just all in a state of depression that we're just looking for a dopamine hit.

That's what it is.

I don't think anyone's sitting going, I really need a little spoon that will crack open the top of my boiled egg.

Listen, I am seeing this as someone who bought a Hoover that was specifically for Lego.

I am that soldier, right?

I think part of the the reason the French don't do it is because they like to regard shopping as a stylish exercise, don't they?

They have their patisserie and their belangerie and they have that incredible shop where you can buy both tobacco and stamps.

It's historical, right?

Marie Antoinette famously said, let them eat cake, and the world laughed, but now they have patisseries and we have Gregg's and I think they're sanitized.

So her sacrifice was worthwhile, isn't it?

And many people have claimed that a lot of Britain's economic and financial difficulties come from people spending money on things that we don't actually need.

Personally, I think this is subjective and ridiculous, and I would say that I definitely need my random jingle generator 3000X, a brilliant device that turns anything you say into a jingle.

It turns anything you say into a jingle.

Worth every penny.

Our next question, this can go to Susie and Athena.

A little maths question for you here.

Based on current food prices, in order to meet the government-recommended healthy diet, a household with children, in the least well-off 20% of the population, would need to spend 70% of its disposable income on food.

If a top-level Premier League footballer spent the same proportion of his disposable income on healthy food and had been put by his manager on an apple-only diet,

how many apples would he buy every week?

Oh, in this country, after Brexit, 20 apples.

I'm afraid you've gone a little low on that.

I think it would be a hundred apples, but that would hurt his teeth too much, so I think he would just go for apple hubba bubba.

Two and a half million apples.

You're closer?

It's eight hundred and twenty nine thousand one hundred and four apples.

Admittedly I just made that number up, but the battery

got it written down, so I'll give uh I'll give one point to uh to Simon for that.

I mean this is uh in terms of the kind of cost of living crisis which we're still struggling with.

It's, yeah, healthy meals become twice as expensive per calorie as junk food.

What have we learned about the state of the nation from what we eat, do you think?

I think it's interesting when people try and talk to us about this because when I was growing up, there was only two types of fruit that you could get, ornamental or tinned, right?

Either way.

Either way, your teeth were damaged for the rest of your life.

One of the most criminal things that's happened in this country, definitely over, let's say, 15-20 years, is that they've made really basic things middle-class.

I used to have an old job, and I once took a mango out of my bag, and someone went, Ooh, la di-da.

And I was like, it's a mango, it's a bit of fruit, it's a vitamin C.

Like, fruit and veg is like a basic thing, it grows from the ground, you pick it up and you eat it.

For it to be kind of out of people's financial reach, it's sort of criminal.

You think the working class needs to reclaim mangoes?

All of them, mangoes, bananas, pears.

They're not expensive things, but they are now being thought of as expensive and it's bizarre.

So I think the next working class movement, you know, you can support striking workers, or you can, I talk about the NHS and carers.

Actually, what you've got to do is eat a plum.

Eat a plum for Britain.

Increasingly, there's concern about the unhealthiness of red meat products.

It's now becoming as socially marginalised as smoking.

Some businesses even have special shelters outside their offices where people can sneak out for a cheeky hot dog.

Gotta wait till someone invents an e-susage and it all becomes fine again.

Till they start selling unregulated raspberry milkshake flavoured salamis to school children.

And then of course taxation goes up on meat products and it'll become cheaper for people to roll their own.

Which

you see someone at a bus stop rolling a sheath of pig's gut with some mashed up entrails, gonads and connective tissue before tucking it behind their ear as one for later.

I think that's not the country we want to embrace.

Spoken like a man who's received ten tagus.

Our final question in our shopping section: Increasingly brazen with no fear of the consequences because of the knowledge that they won't be jailed.

A description which has brought together the unlikely combination this week of American presidents and in Britain, which purveyors of an ancient craft.

Is this a shoplifter?

Yes, shoplifting.

Yeah, great British.

Is it an ancient craft?

Yes, it is.

Is it?

Yeah, yeah.

It's a craft.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, you see, Stonehenge was originally set up as a shop.

Right, you see.

And they nicked the walls.

They nicked everything

apart from the stone.

Yeah, it's our second profession.

Yeah.

Yeah, so there's an epidemic.

Yes.

People are doing it brazenly.

Retail crime is supposed to be out of control.

Shoplifters are just helping themselves to stuff.

Nobody stops them.

They have no fears of any consequences.

Right, I'm going to play devil's advocate.

Is it shoplifting or is it Ouija's for having to use the self-checkout?

I think the obvious thing to do is arm the grannies, isn't it?

That would be because it's difficult for the shops.

They don't want to take legal responsibility for getting involved in

an escalated violence.

But if you gave all pensioners tasers that they could use,

they would be inclined to do so.

And obviously,

the public sentiment would be on their side.

I think that might be a way to stop it.

yeah for everyone you catch you can get a bit of your winter fuel allowance back yeah

earn it you can have it but you've got to earn it Ethel earn it no you can't give a pension or a taser I've seen them trying to use a smartphone and

you get the pensioner friendly tasers with just the three big buttons and none of the other systems

spoken like a man that's nearly a pensionable age

yes you know the economy is struggling when even Adam Smith's invisible hand has been stealing from the pick and mix.

Measures such as posters saying stop, don't shoplift have for whatever reason not worked.

Nor has allowing shoplifting if the stolen objects are put into a museum, which always used to work for us.

Nor even has the problem been solved by having a security guard in a pantomime lion outfit wandering up and down the meatile, growling.

The government response is to announce a new scheme encouraging shoplifters to show their appreciation for the shops that make their work possible by tipping the shop to the value of the goods stolen.

Sadly has also not worked.

And the fundamental problem is that a free trip to Australia just isn't the deterrent that it once was.

Right, at the end of our shopping round, Simon and Hugo have five, Susie and Athena have six.

Right, moving on now.

Let's go to Susie and Athena.

What will reach 72 and a half by 2032?

Oh, Heathrow, we're going to get 72 and a half runways.

Definitely.

No one in Scotland

is the.

Jeremy Clarkson.

Right, he will be 72 and a half.

Born in 1960.

Right.

Yeah.

Like Nigeria.

Right.

Peas in the pod in so many ways.

And chocolate buttons in the Etrasketch.

Right.

As well.

Yeah, 1960.

Is it going to be the age at which you can retire?

Is it it the length of mortgages in 2025?

Nigela Lawson.

Yep.

72.

Yep.

That year.

Yeah.

Prince Andrew, John McEnroe, as well.

Antonio Banderas.

And Cameroon.

It was a big year for African independence finances on the show.

Didn't Cameroon and Nigeria have a joint birthday party?

They could do.

With Ghana and Togo and Somalia.

Isn't the internet fun?

It's the ONS's anticipated population of Great Britain, 72.5 million people, which represents, I think, another 5 million in the next eight years or something like that.

That's more people than they have in France.

So the first time we're going to have more people here than in France.

So people, let's have them.

The Daily Mail reported the five million population rise that is looming.

Said it was shocking.

It says, shocking, like 10 Manchesters.

And I was like, it's not that bad, 10 Manchesters, a bit harsh on Manchester.

It's not like it's Glasgow.

Let's have another question now.

Richard III, the controversial former monarch and prototype social media pylon cancellation victim, was famously dug up in a car park in Leicester.

But why were kings in general removed from a car park in nearby Nottingham this week?

Anyone?

Just the chess.

Yes.

The chess table.

That's what in a car park, correct?

I felt this story was really unfair because it's lots lots of people complaining that there's a chess board in a car park because that's not what a car park is for.

But another way of looking at it is it's just a chess park with absolutely excellent parking.

I mean, what would you say is what are the best games to play in a car park that don't require a council-funded concrete chess table that is unfair?

Twister.

Right.

As a perimenopausal woman, I quite enjoy playing Where Did I Park My Car?

Oh, in Edinburgh.

Well, that means that this week's show is a 10-all draw.

Thanks to Simon, Nejudo, Susie, and Athena.

Thank you for listening to the Newsquiz.

Goodbye.

Taking part in the Newsquiz were Simon Evans, Athena Kaplanu, Susie McCabe, and Hugo Rifkin.

In the chair was me, Andy's Altman, and additional material was written by Cameron Loxdale, Sasha Lowe, Merrill O'Rourke, and Peter Tolouche.

The producer was Rajiv Karia, and it was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4.

Hello, this is Marion Keys.

And this is Tara Flynn.

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