The News Quiz: Ep7. Forecast for Inflation and Flooding

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Hello, I'm Andy Zaltzmann.

Before we start this week's news quiz, I'm doing a charity collection.

I'm trying to raise £122 million

for our featured charity this week, COVID Scammers in Need.

I've been collecting around the country for the last two weeks now, and so far in the bucket, we have, let's have a look,

five bottle tops, a commemorative Matt Hancock action man,

a 2P piece that someone mistook for a baby hedgehog that's been run over by a milk float, oh, and a few million unusable hospital gowns.

So, their resale value means we are still now just 122 million pounds short of our target.

Whilst I list all the fixtures and fittings from the BBC Radio Theatre on eBay, why don't you listen to this week's news quiz?

Hello, welcome to the newsquiz.

I'm Andy Zoltson.

There was a BBC questionnaire this week that revealed that 78% of people think the BBC should offer something for everyone.

So later on, we'll be hearing David Attenborough commentating on an endangered breed of puffin, who's also a dodgy copper, play a hybrid sport based on football, snooker, and true crime against Amil Rajan in a spangly ball gown whilst he eats Mary Berry's new recipe for Alan Titchmarsh's geraniums cooked with lashings of pepper pig in an anti-Victorian bedpan that's worth less than Fiona Bruth thought it was over the sound of Jules Holland playing a duet with all of Henry VIII's wives while everyone surreptitiously pots against each other a national treasure breaks wind and they all have to guess what the weather would be like if they were shipped somewhere north of Cromerty happy now

now here's Claire Balding with the travel

Our teams this week, well, following recent updates from the Middle East, our team this week, our team disarming against team alarming.

On team disarming we have Rhea Lina and Adam Kaye.

And on team alarming we have Zoe Lyons and from the Financial Times Stephen Bush.

Now this week we are going to give each of our panelists a question in their own specialist sphere of expertise.

So Zoe give me a number between one and four.

Three.

That means we start with Stephen.

Stephen, you write for the FT about politics and the economy, so we'll give you question in your specialist area.

Tomorrow Trade Secret Rachel Reeves is considering putting up what in November?

People's backs.

Is it the latest version of her C V on LinkedIn?

Is it the heating?

Well, I guess that's probably a bit expensive, so maybe not.

Tax.

Yes, correct.

Yes.

Taxes, particularly on the wealthy.

Now, you've written quite a lot about the Labour government's struggles.

What sort of...

Is there any possible way they can pull a sufficiently rabbity rabbit out of the hat at the moment?

You know, I mean, look, they could invent time travel or cold fusion or, you know, anything could happen, you know.

But it doesn't, but they have got this real problem that they made a bunch of promises at the last election and they said they would basically fix everything and someone else would pay for it.

And someone else has decided they don't want to pay for it.

And so now they're going to have to make all of us pay for it.

And that's, well, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm not exactly thrilled about the prospect of paying for for it myself.

I much preferred it when someone else was going to do it.

And so they're kind of stuck between do you break your promises on fixing things, do you break your promises on tax?

And it looks like they're going to break their promises on tax.

And maybe if they're unlucky, they'll also break their promises on fixing things.

All right.

And does that work like a double negative in math where that becomes then keeping a promise if you break both promises at the same time?

I mean, there's a lot of staff turnover in Downing Street, so with lines like that, maybe your next job could be.

I'm clinging to that dream.

Zoe, are you very excited about the forthcoming budget in November?

I mean I literally can't wait.

I'm just counting down the days.

I've got a little budget advent calendar

which is like a regular calendar but all the windows have been boarded up.

It's

nail-biting stuff isn't it?

But we've got to get the money from we are so in debt aren't we?

I've really buried my head in the sand about how in debt we are as a nation.

I mean the letters have been coming in but I just haven't been opening them and then

today I opened one, and I was like, does that say 2.7 trillion?

Oh, my God.

I think as a nation, we're going to have to just get together and do a runner.

I reckon we're just all going to have to leave.

That is it, because there is no plugging that.

They called it a fiscal hole on the radio earlier, and it really made me wince.

So, I mean, in terms of how we raise money, obviously trying to get money from the rich has not always proved quite as obviously successful as it might have done.

So has anyone got any suggestions for other ways of raising public money that might work?

The billionaires are more than free to go to Dubai.

Feel free to go, but your money stays.

Right.

A millionaire over there having that plan.

That's someone who lives next to a millionaire.

I think, I don't want to go too big on this.

I think I might have solved it.

Okay, that's cool.

So if you charge people five grand to fly a flag from a lamppost

and

twenty grand to put one on a roundabout, I think that might be us sorted.

Right.

That has the sort of double benefit of not only are you expressing your patriotism through the flags, but you're also contributing to national improvement through absolutely.

Yeah, obviously anyone would be against this.

Any other suggestions?

I mean, is a GoFundMe beyond,

You know, we could just set a realistic target and just say, you know, Britain needs a little bit of help.

We've made some poor decisions.

And there you go.

Any little bit counts.

I was thinking that, you know, there's a lot of talk these days about free speech.

And I'm obviously very in favour of free speech.

Too much, if you ask me.

Well,

I just think that if you say something that isn't backed up by fact, or it's just, in my opinion, this is my truth, then you pay for it.

Right.

That could end all conversation.

As an autistic, I'm all right with that.

I think one of the reasons why a lot of people are quite annoyed with the Labour Party is that, as the scale of the Conservative defeat showed, right, everyone knew that we'd had a bunch of cowboys in.

And there's something even more annoying than the person who's broken your boiler than the second person coming in whistling a lot, being like, wow, some mistakes were made here.

And you're like, yes, I know, I haven't had hot water for quite some time.

And it's like, are you going to fix it anytime soon?

I think, if anything, the problem is is they actually should have probably just broken the promise on day one rather than

or not made it, right?

You know, it's a bit like when someone has to take the bins out.

My partner does this.

She gets home.

She changes into her pajamas somehow at the speed of light.

And she's like, we're out of milk.

And it's just like.

And that's essentially what the Labour government has done for the last year.

They'd be like, oh, yeah.

I've changed my pajamas.

I can't raise taxes.

I mean, in terms of the boiler analogy, I guess the problem for Labour is that, you know, they're basically offering the same half-assed boiler fixes.

Then you've got Nigel Farage and Reformer coming and saying, we're going to take your boiler out and replace it with an animatronic Queen Victoria sex doll.

It's quite hard to compete.

Hard to compete with that.

So I see what the metaphor is aiming for, but to be honest,

I think if I had a choice between not having a working boiler

and having an animatronic Queen Victoria sex doll, I would continue to bathe by boiling the kettle.

In terms of the state of the economy, there was a new IMF forecast out this week, and the UK is set to beat all other G7 forces and become reigning champion at what?

Tiddlywinks.

I mean, celebrity traders.

Yes.

The correct answer is inflation.

And there were different interpretations of the figures from the IMF report, in which some media outlets said that Britain is going to have the second biggest growth, and others said it's going to have the worst growth.

I get a third opinion.

So, essentially, we need to both completely change everything we're doing economically and also keep up the good work.

How do you balance that?

I mean, don't look at me.

I've got no idea.

Nobody else has a clue either.

I don't know.

I don't know.

We all go back to cottage industries and start knitting our own vegetables.

That's the only thing I can think of.

I think you're right, and we should celebrate it because, as far as I'm concerned, we've always been second best in the G7.

So, we're second lowest life expectancy, second highest obesity rates, second highest disease burden, and finally, we've won.

Hooray, good for us.

It's chance for the second Rachel Reeves has been limbering up for her November big red box boom bustic budget bonanza.

Someone's got to talk it up.

And there are suggestions that taxes may have to go up, even, whisper it quietly, for the rich.

It shows how desperate things are economically, that the government is even thinking about trying to extract more money from those who are most able to afford it and least notice it.

What's that saying about broadest shoulders?

Those with the broadest shoulders generally have the rudest parrots.

The government has thus far, in its time in office, cut through to the wider public like a spoon through granite.

And there is widespread scepticism over whether it can deliver the growth it promised.

Having spent so long in opposition, Labour is now coming face to face, eyeball to eyeball with the T-Rex of reality, and no doubt thinking back wistfully to the joy of opposition politics, which is one of the less well-selling books in the 1970s, The Joy Of series.

The latest figures from the IMF have showed that it's full speed ahead for UK PLC, but unfortunately that full speed is stationary.

According to the figures, the UK took silver medal in the prestigious GDP growth category, but according to the Daily Telegraph, the UK also finished last in the living standards growth category, which all goes to show statistics are like comedians at at the Riyadh Comedy Festival.

If you treat them right, they can be made to say whatever you want them to say.

And at the end of that round,

it's four to Stephen and Zoe, and two to Adam Monrea.

Right, Adam, it's your specialist subject.

Now you are a qualified doctor.

My very favorite kind of doctor, incidentally.

So

we have a question on the NHS for you.

NHS bosses are reportedly urging Rachel Reeves to allow them to raise money through what fundraising techniques?

This is a really nostalgic news story.

So basically some deranged NHS bosses are suggesting that hospitals should be allowed to, let me quote this correctly, allow private capital investments into parts of the NHS in order to build new facilities, which is otherwise known as PFI, which I'd rather hoped we were finished with when Tony Blair left.

But then again, I'd rather hope we'd finish with Tony Blair when Tony Blair left, and I was Prime Minister of Gaza or something.

So,

why did PFI not work for us?

So, essentially, we've still got the tail end of last PFI.

There's currently £57 billion of PFI contracts still in place, and it's going to cost us another £160 billion to pay them off.

Worst hits trusts are paying £1 out of every £6

they have servicing these loans.

Essentially, hearing this did feel a bit like the turkeys putting in a big order for tinsel.

The chief exec of NHS providers, a guy called Daniel Elkalez, said there's enormous appetite from the private sector to invest.

I bet there is, Daniel Elkalez,

because these people are going to make profits out of public funds.

So in terms of how we raise money for the NHS, I mean, Rhea, you're also a medical scientist.

Any suggestions?

Yeah, I think there's a lot of other options that we can do.

You know, I think I'm definitely up for maybe televising a bachelor auction of eligible doctors.

I think we could also maybe, I mean, we bet on so many things.

Do you think, is it wrong to bet on survival odds?

I mean, I think we're probably looking at this from the wrong direction.

So,

essentially, we're short in the next four years 40,000 hospital beds.

And actually, what we need is bunk beds.

Then you don't need to build any more hospitals.

You get twice as many people in the ones you've already got.

I don't know why no one's thought of this.

I guess another option is just to tell 40,000 people that they're fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's 111.

I mean, you know, we often describe it as a sort of NHS lottery, don't they, when you're going for treatments, depending on where you are.

So, we do have NHS perhaps scratch cards that the dermatology unit could hand out.

Get three symbols, and you get your MRI scan.

We should just accept, then you're going to wait for hours and hours in AE, and the cafe should just become a 24-hour bar.

A lot of people would be much, much more relaxed about waiting for a long time in AE.

If it were more like an airport, right?

Where you're like, oh, well, I'm here, but I'll go to W.H.

Smith, which is inexplicably open at 5 a.m.

in airports.

I think we just need to lean into the fact that we don't provide proper medical care in this country anymore.

And we'd probably save quite a lot of money on anaesthetist as well, if people would think that.

You're suggesting a sort of NHS weatherspoons collab.

It's like the weather spoons in Heathrow, actually one of the really classy weatherspoons.

I've said that to myself often at 2 a.m.

I'm supping on a stellar au toile and a bacon bun.

I'm like, there's something very classy about what I'm doing here now.

I think there's actually some good tech at Weatherspoons that the NHS could take advantage of because when I, you know, as I travel around the country as a lone comic, I've often gone into the weatherspoons just because they have the app with the table surface.

So maybe we just put people straight in the beds and then they can just order the blood draw to the beds.

You know what I mean?

Like, oh, I need a bed pan and just order it and it'll come.

And I need a nurse.

I need some more painkillers.

I mean, I'd say the only issue with that is that

just the one is the NHS uses Windows 95.

Under sort of the previous government, the way to sort of speed up infrastructure projects was just to point at ones that were already there and say that's new.

But that seems to have gone by the wayside under Labour for whatever reason.

They have announced plans for what they call an online hospital

in a bid to cut waiting lists.

The online hospital would enable surgeons to use Zoom calls to talk several hundred people at a time through how to do tracheotomies on themselves

using standard household equipment and kitchen utensils, and if necessary, gardening equipment, or how to do a functional x-ray using only a powerful domestic torch, an instomatic camera, and a fluorescent marker pen.

And it would also also enable patients' diagnoses to be delivered by AI versions of their favorite celebrities.

And I tried the trial version of this and really took the sting out of my diagnosis to have Zippy from Rainbow tell me I'm going bald.

You needed someone to tell you that?

Right, at well, at the end of our health round, it's now four points all.

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Rhea, it's time for your specialist subject.

You have a doctorate in science, I believe.

What type of science was your thing?

Viruses.

Oh.

To me, science is science.

So according to a new report by the year 2050, which let's be brutally honest is not nearly as far away as it once was, every constituency in the UK could have a what?

Oh, a teenage reform councillor.

It's actually an increased flood risk.

Yes, correct.

Isn't it?

Yeah, it is increased flood risk.

You could also have had a 100-metre stretch of HS2, which is going to be broken up and distributed fairly around the country.

There's a council-owned K-pop group and a super prison full of pensioners.

But increased flood risk.

This seems to be the way the future is OE.

I mean, you live by the seaside.

I do live by the seaside.

Thankfully, it's staying where it should be at the minute.

Right.

But a little bit further down the coast for me is Beachy Head, and there's some little houses perched on there precariously.

And I don't know why they built it so close to the sea, really.

So you're talking about why they built the houses so close to the sea, or why they built Beachy Head so close to the sea.

I never thought about which one came first, but now you put it that way, yeah.

So, yeah, I do live quite close to the sea.

I live in a basement flat quite close to the sea, so I've had to flood prep.

Right.

Yeah, I've bought a paddle board.

I think we're all right where we are, but there are large swathes of the United Kingdom, aren't there?

They've built houses on areas that are now very flood prone.

And the thing is, people won't get insurance for that in the future.

So, it's it's really devastating.

And it'll be doubly irritating when you're up to your ankles in flood water in your own living room and the water boards announcing a hose pipe ban.

Stephen, I mean, politically, not preparing adequately for increased flood risk is you know a proud part of our national political heritage, isn't it?

Is it something we're prepared to abandon now?

I mean, what will we have left?

Well, look, not preparing for future events is what makes this country the place it is today.

And look, I live on the seventh floor, so

I think it's probably going to be really good for my property price.

But yeah, it's a big problem because obviously governments are re-elected every five years, and I think even if you're a really big fan of Kier Starmer, I think you have to concede it's unlikely he'll still be prime minister in 2050.

And so it's very easy for it to be someone else's problem, and that's why we're in the state we're now where you have places being told by insurance companies, yeah, sorry, you're on your own.

Yes, according to a new report, some towns may have to be abandoned due to becoming uninsurable due to increased flood risks.

The government says it will be investing ten point five billion pounds in flood defences by the year twenty thirty six.

And we are still waiting to hear whether the deluge itself will agree to wait politely until fiscal timetable and engineering logistics are complete.

And we are, in fact, just hearing, as we record, that hydrogen, hydrogen and oxygen, trading as water, have agreed to

have agreed to delay any flooding until after twenty thirty six, but in return will will be entitled to an extra 10% of volume in all floods over the following 20 years.

Let's move on to another sort of science-related question.

Ed Miliband has just granted approval for the biggest what in the history of the United Kingdom?

Bacon sandwich.

Close but not right.

Actually, not close.

Is it a solar farm?

Correct, yes.

The biggest solar farm in UK history.

But he's going to put it in Lincolnshire.

Lincolnshire is one of the the counties that is under threat from greater flooding in the predicted report, apparently.

It's going to be, yeah, so this could be something of a damp squib.

Yeah.

And obviously, farmers are up in arms because it's 300,000 acres of prime farmland.

But we need energy, so we've got to make up a decision.

What do we want?

Do we want iPads or potatoes?

And that is the hard part.

That's the choice we have to make.

Yeah, it's going to be the UK's biggest ever solar power farm, the Woke-Fired Power Plant, could provide 300,000 homes with electricity, but would also plunge large parts of Lincolnshire into permanent darkness by stealing all the sun.

According to the Telegraph's reporting of the issue,

opponents have lambasted the plan for its takeover of farmland, saying it jeopardises our national food security and could leave us reliant on Vladimir Putin sending us lemon drizzle cakes and Russian vodka sausages to survive.

Also, there are concerns about the danger of over-farming the sun.

It's thought to be only around five billion more years of usable solar energy before our home star exhausts itself and stops working, whereas oil never dies.

It's also become a sort of bit of a culture wars issue around green energy and there has been a compromise suggested that the solar panels are laid out in the shape of the Union Jack

or of our national bird, the European robin.

That needs I think that needs updating.

That needs updating.

Or lay them out in the shape of a lion drinking a pint of real ale or Winston Churchill doing a V-sign or a bulldog trying to have sex with a red phone box.

Everyone makes solar power sufficiently patriotic.

Right, at the end of our science round, it's now eight to Adam and Rhea and six to Stephen and Zoe.

Right.

So everyone else has had their specialist subject.

So Zoe, it's time for your specialist subject now, which is international espionage.

You have long been one of the UK's top spies.

Sorry, was I'm not supposed to say that.

Anyway, I'm going to ask you this question in a manner that only a spy would understand.

So, here is your question.

China.

Correct.

Yes.

Yes, correct.

China is the correct answer.

So this is this very confusing story that's happening at the moment because there are two gentlemen, both called Christopher, that kept it easy for me, who have been or were accused of spying for China.

One of them was a civil servant and the other a teacher.

And it was about to go on trial, I believe, this week.

And it has suddenly been dropped.

The whole case has been dropped because the CPS said there wasn't enough proof to say that Britain found China a reasonable threat.

We weren't prepared to say that, therefore, there was no point in moving the case forward.

I think it's just a very complicated situation how we sort of see China, the communist but massive economic and capitalist sort of provider of all our goods.

So we have to sort of keep it sweet, don't we?

And then apparently it's come out that there is large amounts of evidence to show that China has been doing quite a lot of espionage stuff.

But my thought that was, well, good.

Because if they weren't spying on us, then they wouldn't see us as anything at all.

Like, it's better to be talked about than not talked about.

Ultimately, everyone kind of gets that the government's real position, both under the last Conservative government and under this Labour one, is, well, they are spying on us, but fridges and smartphones are great.

So, you know, look, you've got to take the rough with the smooth.

And I think that it will therefore sort of blow over.

I think the bigger thing will be this question about this super embassy, which, yeah, this China wants to build a bigger embassy.

The embassy here is actually the oldest embassy that China has in the world, and they want to build a new snazzy one.

And there's a lot of political tension about that.

And I think that may be a story which runs and runs.

Given how much of our data we give away on a daily basis to all big companies, American companies, everybody else, and then we get a little bit upset when China comes in and does it with...

I mean, if you're on TikTok, you've sold your soul to China already.

They know everything about it.

By the way, actually, Stephen, there is something to deal with the rough and the smooth on TikTok shop.

I'll show you later.

What was the question?

Yeah, the question was: Are you worried about China having all your secrets for?

Having all my secrets.

Listen, when it comes down to it, with this face, with this Asian face,

there's only one side I'm going to fall on.

All right, so it's lovely living here.

I love all you pale people, but when it comes down to it, you know, I got to pick a side.

And that side pays me well.

Yes, the government has faced criticism after an espionage case collapse because it was unwilling to describe China as a threat to national security and enemy of this nation.

China, with its vast economic power, its supply of cheap electoral goods, its formidable technological capabilities, its supply of critical minerals, its ominous military power, its brightly coloured toys, and its ability to bring our society to a grinding halt with a flick of a couple of switches, plus its temptingly delicious dumplings and its functionally indispensable role in the continuing working of British national infrastructure.

Is China a threat?

Hell yes, but you can't spell threat without treat.

Does China make temptingly cheap electrical goods?

Even hella yes.

So we are stuck.

The statement alleged that the two critics, Cash and Berry, passed information about ministers likely to be promoted to the cabinet.

So not really matters of national security, more just stuff for China to have a little giggle at.

Well, at the end of that round, it's 12 point all,

which means

which means that once again we go to a tiebreaker.

Our tiebreaker this week, OpenAI, has announced that it will allow adults to use chat GPT to generate erotic content.

What I'm challenging our panelists to do is to develop the title of an erotic version of a radio 4 show

that AI could not produce.

And remember, this is slightly complicated by the fact that this has to be suitable for broadcast at 6.30 p.m.

Zoe?

Desert Island Dicks.

Muse Juice.

There we go.

They meet Miss World tonight?

Rhea?

Just a minute.

It'll take me longer than that.

AKA Woman's Hour.

Well, I'm going to give the victory to Adam and Rhea.

Just some news reaching us.

The White House has slammed the Mercury Music Prize Committee for overlooking President Trump.

Thank you very much for listening to the New Squiz.

Goodbye.

Taking part in the Newsque were Adam Kay, Rhea Lina, Zoe Lyons, and Stephen Bush.

In the chair was me, Andy Zoltman.

And additional material was written by Christina Riggs, Peter Talouch, Damon Bamra, and Rufosco.

The producer was Rajiv Currier, and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4.

Can you speak for 60 seconds on the time I went to Sue Perkins' birthday party, starting now?

I wasn't invited.

Sue Perkins returns with the one-minute speaking challenge.

That was the start of my secret journey into the chasm of art.

What is he talking about?

The panelists, including Stephen Mangan, Patterson Joseph, and Zoe Lyons.

I was only once invited to Sue Perkins.

Oh, aren't you lucky?

The new series of Just a Minute from BBC Radio 4.

It's all quite bitter, isn't it?

Welcome to the game.

Oh, yeah.

Listen now on BBC Sounds.

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