The News Quiz: Ep5. Less Flags, More Bunting

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Hello, I'm Andy Zoltzman.

Don't tell anyone, but I'm in a secret laboratory trying to find a way of Frankensteining my collection of 25 million unusable surgical gowns into a giant magic pot of gold that then mysteriously disappears into thin air.

I've heard on good authority that it can be done.

Let's give it a go.

Oh, disappointing.

I appear to have turned them into an orchestra of miniature dolphins.

Welcome to the Newsquiz.

Hello, welcome to the Newsquiz.

I'm Andy Zoltzman.

It's been another week in which it's fair to say the news has not been uniformly uplifting.

A week which showed that anti-Semitism is still not in the dustbin of history where it emphatically belongs.

But our two teams this week will attempt to shine some light into the gloom.

So let's meet our two teams.

And as we enter a new phase in the ongoing evolving battle between human reality and artificial intelligence, we have Team Human against Team AI.

On Team Human, we have Ian Smith and Celia A.B., and Zoe Lyons and Hugo Rifkin.

And on Team AI, the new superstar AI actor who's been all over the news this week, welcome to the news quiz.

Tilly Norwood.

And to show our support for the human-based creative industries, we're going to edit out everything Tilly says for the entire show.

Right, let's move on to our first question.

At their conference this week, which party was in fighting?

Sorry, mood?

Well, which party was in fighting mood?

Sorry, force of habits.

This would be Labour.

correct labour's conference this week so i was there kir starmer's speech it went all right expectations were not high one reason why they weren't high is because he's always done them so very badly in the past i'd remind you it was this time last year when he was talking about gaza that he said release the sausages

but there you go but he said basically britain's at a fork in the road down one fork there is nigel forking forage

and down the other there's kir starmer who is a spoon and um it's basically that they're a government who've been hunting for the last year for a point, and now they have a point, which is that we're not the other guys.

Which might not sound like massive progress, but they have spent most of the last year going, hey, we basically are the other guys.

So it's kind of better.

Was there any decent merch there, Hugo?

No, no, the Tories are better at merch.

Last year, I actually got a Tom Tugenhat hat.

Oh, nice.

I think it's harder for Starma to have merch because nothing really rhymes with his name.

Keir Starmer Bodhiwama.

It's a very northern way of saying it.

Schwama.

Yeah.

Yeah, Schwamma.

Kiostama Lama Farmer.

He always looks like he's on the verge of tears, doesn't he, Stamer?

I think that's why people struggle to sort of have faith in anything he says.

You know, when you really, really want a job, and then you get the job, and then you really, really don't want the job,

and then there's just a little prickling of tears in your eyes the whole time you're doing the job, and you think, this isn't the job I thought it was going to be.

It was

a more combative tone where Keir Starmer said he would fight anyone who argued

that you couldn't be sort of English if you're not white.

But I think more people would like him if he did have genuine fist fights.

Because he's so bland at the minute.

But I think if he started just knocking people out,

I'd be happy with that.

If he was just sort of Keir Starmer going up to racists, going, I've got two small boats for you right here.

I've been in the UK for 10 years.

I'm from France originally and I've been in the UK for 10 years and I've only known the UK under the Conservatives and for years and years and years he was like when Labour gets in start in charge.

It's going to be so good.

Is it?

You were so positive.

You had your Keir Starmer body warmer in.

Yeah, I did.

It was kind of dominated the conference.

Well, it's dominated by two things, but one of them was the question of whether Nigel Farage is a racist.

Because Keir Starmer, just before the conference, he basically said reforms policies were racist, and he implied that Farage was a racist as well.

And the thinking is, he didn't mean to say that, it just kind of slipped out because he was asked a really difficult question, which was, do you think Nigel Farage is a racist?

And it just kind of went to bits.

But from then on, like, the question of whether Nigel Farage was racist, it did dominate everything.

Everyone was kind of being asked about it.

And some labour ministers said yes, and some said no.

David Lammy said that Nigel Farage had been a fan of the Hitler Youth, which is a sort of old story based on one of Farage's old teachers saying that he sang Hitler Youth songs when he was at school.

And Farage denies this, although I think it's notable that he denies it not by saying, I wouldn't do that, but by saying, and this is a quote, I can't have done because I don't know the words.

Well, according to Keir Stahmer, what does Nigel Farage not believe in?

Oral hygiene.

He doesn't believe in life after love.

Oh, yeah.

He doesn't believe in Britain, Andy.

Yes, correct.

He doesn't like it.

He's always saying it's broken.

And Kirstamma doesn't like him saying it's broken.

Even though Kirstama used to say it was broken as well, before he was in charge of fixing it, but now he says it isn't broken because he's in charge of fixing it.

But Kirstama really believes in Britain now, which is why they had all the flags, like so many flags.

Everyone's got a flag.

There were like Union flags in the audience.

There were England flags, there were Welsh flags, Scottish flags.

Weirdly, no red hand of Ulster.

I don't know why.

It's a great time to be in the flag industry, isn't it?

When you've got both sides buying the flags, it's quite, you know, writing that down as a business opportunity.

We had the flags up around our place recently, in Brighton as well, which was quite distracting.

You know, they had the flags at the lampposts, and I marvelled at the sort of gymnastic ability at the racists in my town.

It was quite extra.

Of course, every time a politician accuses another politician of not believing in Britain, somewhere in the world a bulldog dies.

So according to a poll in the Times, Stalmer is the least popular Prime Minister since the 70s.

Is that the 70s AD or BC?

But I think it's because they know that people are sort of fed up of politics.

And that's why I think we have to get rid of politics as we know it.

Farage is the disruptor.

He's not the disruptor we want.

I think the sort of disruptors we want are people who are going to get things done.

And that's why I think at the next general election, we vote in the WI.

Just women who've had enough, but they know how to get shit done.

Doris once successfully beat off a mugger with a handbag.

She can go on defence.

Margot can do education, and we'll all have a bash at bookkeeping.

How hard can it be?

I mean, there would definitely have been more chaotic at Prime Minister.

Less flags, more bunting.

That's what I want.

Another question.

Now, after the Labour conference, why might there be a huge decline in people buying Willy Wonka's chocolate bars?

The Home Secretary has announced plans to introduce a volunteering test for migrants applying for indefinite leave to remain in the UK.

And under the proposal, legal migrants will have to learn English to a high standard, have a clean criminal record, and volunteer in their community to be granted permanent settlement status.

So it takes more to be a British citizen than to be President of the United States of America.

Well, it's good to set the bar high.

Yeah.

It's quite scary to describe what he calls a good citizen in the UK.

All of my friends are British.

I can't think of a single person that fits all three of these standards.

And especially the idea of volunteering scares me.

Like, a lot of immigrants will be nurses and doctors, so that means that they'll have to go and help people for no money, and then they'll have to go and volunteer.

And this is where the WI would come in.

My wife is Dutch, and Farage's wife is German, isn't she?

So maybe it's just a sort of convoluted way of getting rid of unwanted spouses.

You haven't done enough for the Rotary Club, you're off.

Go on.

I mean, it literally is a way of getting rid of one wanted spouses because it's like the golden ticket they're talking about, which I think is your Willy Wonka reference.

It's about basically refugees being able to bring in their families as well, which would have been devastating for Willy Wonka because if that hadn't been able to happen, there'd have only been one oompa loompa.

So, in terms of this so-called good citizenship test, if you were designing it, what would you put in it?

Well, it's interesting to me because to me, Britishness isn't about being good.

It's not like I think you actually have a hatred for people who are very good.

I think that Britishness to me is about how many people can you topple over at Euston Station to make your train.

Ian, what would you put in the citizenship test?

I guess I would ask people what is the smallest garden they're willing to have their own fireworks display in.

I think that's the true sign of Britishness when

maybe someone

seeking asylum would look at some of of our sort of terrace gardens and go, there's no way it would be safe to have a firework display in that.

And that is simply not the attitude we want in this country.

Do you know that when you do British citizenship, it costs £1,700

plus a £130 ceremony fee?

You have to pay for your own little tiny wedding.

And I was like, can you waive the ceremony?

No, that means that there's a couple of guys.

Their whole job is to be like, you're British.

And they get paid £130.

I want that job.

What at the Labour conference, what did Chancellor of the Exchequer, Rachel Reeves, pledge to get rid of?

Kia Starma.

Not the answer I've got written down here?

That's the two-child benefit cap.

Yes.

Which would be a good merch.

No, she says that she's going to get rid of the two-child benefit cap as soon as she's able, which, given she's Chancellor, is like kind of now, isn't it?

Yeah, the cap was brought in under the Conservative government, thus far retained by Labour.

It has been previously criticised by its opponents as cruel, but praised by its supporters as cruel.

Stalma's premiership has thus far, domestically at least, had all the bounce and vigour of an inflatable walrus in a porcupine enclosure.

But he did at the conference try to be a little bit clearer about what he will do if he ever gets into power.

Labour has also announced that immigrants will have to pass a good citizenship test to stay long-term in the country.

If they cannot show a clean criminal record, a selfless commitment to improve British society, and prove that they're not taking any money they've not earned, they may be forced to take a seat in the House of Lords.

The test will be carried out with this new piece of kit.

It's the Britometer 3000X.

It scans your body, mind, and soul for signs of good citizenry.

I'll just test it out on myself.

Deport, deport, deport.

deport.

Obviously, you forgot to wear my Queen Victoria underpants.

So at the end of that round, the scores are six to Team Human and Naught to Team AI.

Right, we're going to have a food round now.

As Shakespeare once wrote, if music be the food of love, then it's not offside, and that was not a foul.

He shortened it down to play on.

We have our food question.

What deal has finally been dealt with?

Oh,

is this a ban on two-for-one offers for nasty foods?

Correct.

Okay, yes.

I'm really unhappy about this.

I've got a very sweet tooth, and they're banning two-for-ones on like chocolate bars.

That's all a Twix is.

Ken, I'm just going to advise all the children of the UK: if you can't afford the sweets anymore and you'll go really, really hungry, I would recommend picking up smoking.

Apparently, crumpets are judged as junk food as well.

That got crumpets.

Crumpets.

Crumpets?

That had me out waving my flag.

Not the crumpets.

I'm never clear on the difference between a crumpet and a muffin.

Discuss.

So a crumpet is like a is.

I'm not saying one's better, I'm just saying I don't know which is which.

If a muffin is still, a crumpet is sparkling.

Right.

I think you've just failed your citizenship test.

It's crazy the amount of butter you put on a crumpet, really, isn't it?

Are you really afraid of that?

Oh, that one's a crumpet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A crumpet is just a butter receptacle.

It's just a delicious butter receptacle.

So, what is a muffin?

Useless.

It just falls off a muffin.

Do you know?

A muffin's an Americanised crumpet that doesn't know who it is.

A muffin is a crumpet having an identity crisis.

A muffin is a crumpet that'll never make it.

They can sod off.

Who said patriotism is dead?

This question features a comedian's name.

You have to expand that comedian's name to make a headline from the commercial fishing world this week.

So, your comedian is Lee Mack.

How can you expand that to make a headline related to commercial fishing?

What fish fish sounds like lee?

No, it's mackerel, isn't it?

Yes.

Mackerel's going.

It's too popular.

We all know the phrase, once you go mackerel, you never go backel.

Yeah, mackerel's too popular and now there's not a lot of mackerel left.

Yep, hence the headline, leave more mackerel in the sea, say scientists.

The fishing industry disputes the findings, claiming the data it's based on is not reliable, but a spokes fish for the mackerel community was quoted as saying, this research is absolutely bang on.

In fact, we'd maybe go so far as suggesting a 100% cut in mackerel fishing.

We're honestly not that tasty, nowhere near as worth eating as, for example, sharks and pelicans.

Please ignore the fact that sharks and pelicans are the natural predators of mackerel.

That's incidental.

We really just think they cook up lovely with some garlic and spices.

Yum, yum, shark and pelican pie.

Can't beat it.

Have you got a spare cigarette, mate?

I could do with a smoke.

And now it can be hard sometimes to remember that humans have in fact advanced and evolved over time.

But according to new research, our progress was originally slowed down by which rival species cheating in the evolutionary race by tucking into some human carpaccio.

It's leopards.

Leopards, correct.

It's the argument that we're still on top of the food chain.

I would argue that with like me against a leopard, I'm at the bottom of that chain.

Like I wouldn't eat a leopard.

That's very restrained of you.

I wouldn't, but like I don't think we can say we're on top of them if right now I'm scared of them hearing me speak about them.

Yeah, I think even, and I think this would make a great show.

Put one leopard in the radio theatre.

Yeah.

I don't think anyone's feeling confident with that situation.

I've always thought they should have on a naked attraction.

A leopard.

A leopard, just throw one in.

You'd have to shave the leopard.

Nobody wants to see a landing strip on the leopard.

But there is a Wikipedia entry on leopard attacks of humans, and it literally begins.

The first line of it is, the frequency of leopard attacks on humans varies by geographical region.

It's like, yeah, no shit, guys.

Pretty rare in Croydon.

Well, that concludes our food round, and the score is now 10 to Team Human and 0 to Team AI.

Hey, everyone, Ed Helms here.

And hi, I'm Cal Penn, and we're the hosts of Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club.

This week on the podcast, I am sitting down with Jenny Garth, host of the iHeart podcast, I Choose Me, to discuss the new audible adaptation of the timeless Jane Austen classic, Pride and Prejudice.

This is not a trick question.

There's no wrong answer.

What role would I play?

You know what?

I can see you as Mr.

Darcy.

You got a little call in Firth.

Okay, that's really sweet.

I appreciate that, but are you sure I'm not the dad?

I mean, I'm not Mr.

Bennett here.

Listen to Earsay, the the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Let's move on to some world news.

Now, in the words of the late Bruce Forsyth, what do points make?

Prizes.

But who thinks his 20 points means that he deserves what prize?

Well, yeah, this is Donald Trump.

Right.

Trying desperately to get the Nobel Peace Prize with his 20-point plan.

You're You're not going to get through 20 points.

I don't think.

You've got to keep it briefer.

I think, really, if you want peace, you need to have a peace document that just has that thing where you scroll and just press accept at the end.

I don't think I've ever read any document that I've had to sign.

So I think if I was Hamas, I was a big if.

Big if, yeah.

I'd probably just get something like that and go, yeah, accept.

But I guess that's why they don't have me in charge.

I think the world would be a better place if you ran Hamas, Ian.

I know you're playing out of them when I say that.

What a curveball that would be.

My theory is that he's trying to write another list to change the SEO when you look up Donald Trump list on Google, so that Epstein is not the first thing.

One of the points is Tony Blair.

Yes.

Tony Blair is going to be in charge of the Middle East Board of Peace, which, I mean, given his track record.

Water Board Board of Peace, more like.

But it's the best Trump peace plan there's been so far.

Literally no casinos involved so far.

But there's lots of weird stuff happening in America at the moment.

Did you see Pete Hexeth talking to the military?

Pete Hexeth is the military guy.

He's the Secretary for War now.

And they changed it.

Because part of Donald Trump's plan to get the Nobel Peace Prize is to rename the Defence Department the War Department because he's a moron.

Watching Netanyahu and Trump trying to negotiate a peace deal of two of the weirdest people on the earth and his use of language and his stumbling use of language, it's like watching a rhino trying to crochet a doily.

You know it's never going to happen, but you can't take your eyes off it.

It's...

Well, with typical understatement, Trump described the unveiling of his detail-light stumbling block heavy plan as potentially one of the greatest whats.

He said it was one of the greatest days in this history of civilization.

Yep.

He's clearly forgetting about the invention of the Breville toasty maker.

Well, I mean, they have got a lot of people to sign up to it, you know, like everyone else in the Middle East has signed up to it.

The only people who haven't signed up to it is Hamas.

But they've probably learned not to answer their phones.

Yes, well, the Middle East, according to Donald Trump, is set now for eternal peace.

A few people in favor?

Quite a few people seemingly ambivalent.

Here it's a 20-point plan co-concocted by American wizard king and freestyle improv despot Donald Trump and Benjamin Netanyahu, the Israel Prime Minister and multi-generational intractable resentment fostering fan.

If it comes off, then that'll be great.

Unfortunately, that is a big enough if to be seen with the naked eye from space.

But it's good that Trump took some time out to try and sort out this mess from more pressing concerns in his life, such as slagging off his own military leaders to their faces, whilst also rambling incoherently about how dangerous stares are for old people.

I wish I was making that up.

Also, he's declared de facto civil war in his own cities.

He's tweeted racist AI videos of his political opponents.

I wish I was making that up as well.

And also played it on a loop to a room full of journalists.

How have we become what we've become?

But could this be the turning point in Trump's efforts to broker a peace deal and win himself a Nobel Prize?

Efforts which have been undermined by, for example, him previously suggesting that Gaza is turned into a luxury holiday resort and all its people bunted out somewhere else, or him suggesting this week that if Hamas does not agree to the deal, then Nutanyahu is free to unleash even further mayhem.

I don't know what the odds are on the Nobel Peace Prize, who'd give it to him right now?

Well, I mean, that's not a definite no.

Right, at the end of that round, it's now 12 points to nil to Team Human.

To move into our health round, our panel have to explain how this week VIP and PPE became IOU and FFS.

Here you go.

This is Michelle Moan.

Correct.

Michelle Mohn has to pay back £122 million

because during COVID, company linked to her, run by her husband, which she'd introduced in the VIP lane to the health department, to the government, provided all kinds of PPE equipment for nurses and doctors so they would not die.

And it didn't work at all, and none of it could be used.

It was meant to be sterile, and it wasn't, and like all the stuff that was tested over two-thirds was not sterile.

Really, really weird sentence about this in the Daily Mail.

I think a lot of people missed, otherwise there'd be more fuss about it.

It said, among the contaminants found on the gowns was an organism only discovered in 2017 and originating from a trench more than five miles beneath the surface of the Pacific Ocean, north of New Guinea.

Very odd.

I mean, and you're trying to imagine what on earth this sort of gruesome deep-sea creature actually was and whether it was her husband, Doug Bannerman.

It was really, really weird, though.

It's a really, really weird thing that, you know, I mean, in amongst all the sort of corruption, I'm just wondering how the hell they managed to get bacteria from a deep sea trench onto the gowns that they wanted nurses to wear in hospitals.

Very often.

They might as well have made them out of the actual wings of the bats from the COVID cave.

You know, really peculiar.

But yeah, Michelle Moan is your answer.

There you go.

She's complained, hasn't she, about Rachel Reeves?

It's really unfair.

It's a witch hunt.

It's a witch hunt, yeah.

Rachel Reeves has endangered her life.

And you think, no,

what you endangered was all of the staff working through a COVID crisis using a poor PPE pay it back you big titty

but yeah she claims it's now a witch hunt and that people are out to get her too bloody right it's our bloody money give it back get off your boat and give it back she says she's a scapegoat escape a scapegoat for the thing she did escape how can you be a scapegoat

She said, why is PPE Metro the only company being taken to court?

Which isn't really defending yourself by just going, why is it just us?

There's loads of criminals.

She also said, this is nothing less than an establishment win for the government.

It's a classic

having a go at the working man and their 122 million PPE deals.

Making yourself as a victim here.

There was quite a bit, as you said, there were quite a lot of similar deals.

We made quite a lot of bad purchases.

I mean, what's the least good value purchase you've ever made?

On the 1st of January 2025, I bought Happy 2025 glasses.

Like the day after, at like 3 p.m.

Well, you can use them for the rest of the year.

Every day?

Yeah, every day.

They're not prescription.

Right.

Oh, that's okay.

I made some very bad investments.

During lockdown, I sort of saw how popular Terry's Chocolate Orange was, and I put a lot of my money into some other start-ups.

None of these worked out.

Michael's White Chocolate Kumquats,

Jeremy's Fudge Apples, Margaret's Honeycomb Dragonfruit, and yeah, they've all done quite badly.

Sony, what's your least good value purchase you've ever made?

A multi-pack of two-for-one crumpets.

Yes, well, this was the scandal over the £122 million

pandemic case against Michelle Mohn's company of a faulty PPE.

Was it cronyism?

Well as the old saying goes, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck and is wearing a proud to be a duck t-shirt and has a duck pond as its postal address and when you ask it for recipe suggestions saying I've got some Chinese pancakes, plum sauce, spring onions and cucumber, any ideas, it claims it's not really into foreign food and then it's probably a duck.

Mohna has admitted lying to the media media, which she described as not a crime, which is true.

Indeed, it's a fundamental to our democratic freedom, the ability of politicians to lie to the public, otherwise the whole edifice would collapse.

So in the grand scheme of things, £9 billion was spent on PPE that was either substandard, defective, past its use by date, or dramatically overpriced.

So in the grand scheme of things, £122 million

is just a bit of the ocean in the ocean.

Okay, our final health question.

Well, this is an incredible medical breakthrough.

We've seen some amazing medical breakthroughs in recent times, gene therapy treatment for Huntington's disease, human embryos created from eggs implanted with DNA from skin cells, and the discovery that American golf fans can have their harrowing symptoms cured at least temporarily by losing.

But why have one group of scientists been navel-gazing and what did they discover whilst doing so?

Anyone?

Apparently they've worked out why any belly buttons are any belly buttons.

Yep.

Yeah, they've worked it out somehow.

Yeah, I just thought it was down to the sort of knotting system that they used on the day.

You know, if you like a balloon.

It depended on who did it.

Like, you know, Margot's got a very heavy hand when it comes to the belly buttons.

You know,

they've all got outies after Margot's had a bash on it, you know.

Can I just check that everyone's nipples are outies?

Tops off, everyone.

Well, yes, scientists have discovered an abdominal structure called the umbilical sheath.

Apparently, the sheath only anchors the remnants of your umbilical cord.

Remnants?

I've still got all of mine.

Is that not normal?

And just some breaking news reaching us, Donald Trump and Health Secretary Robert F.

Kennedy have announced that outie belly buttons are caused by pregnant women drinking herbal tea.

Well, that brings us to the end of this week's news quiz, and the the final scores are 15 points to Team Human and 0 to Team AI.

And some news just reaching us.

New research has shown that the average facts checker is now working an average of 25 hours per day.

I tried to have that verified, but they were all busy.

Thank you very much for listening to the news quiz.

Goodbye.

Taking part in the news quiz were Hugo Rifkin, Selia A.B., Ian Smith, Zoe Lyons and Tilly Norwood.

In the chair was me, Andy Zoltzman, and additional material was written by Kobe Garla, Eve Delaney, John Tockhill, and everyone whose work was thieved and reprocessed in the creation of Tilly Norwood.

The producer was Georgia Keating and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4.

Hello one Brian Cox.

I'm Robin Inks and we're back for a new series of the Infinite Monkey Cage.

We have our 201st extravaganza where we're going to talk about how animals emote when around trains and tunnels or something like that.

I'm not entirely sure.

We're doing one on potatoes.

Of course we're doing one on potatoes.

You love potatoes.

I know but.

Yeah, you love chips.

I'll only enjoy it if it's got curry sauce on it.

We've always got techno-fossils, moths versus butterflies and a history of light.

That'll do, won't it?

Listen first on BBC Sounds.

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