The News Quiz: Ep 1. Checked Facts & Unfettered Fictions

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Suffs.

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Hello.

Before we start this new series of the news quiz, I just have to open this legal letter that we've just received.

Dear Mr.

Zoltzmann, please cease and desist any suggestions that I, Liz Truss,

was once Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

My seven-week residency in Downing Street can by no objective means be described as being Prime Minister.

Furthermore, you are hereby instructed to acknowledge that, whilst I was in Downing Street, I had no control of events.

Yours sincerely, former Prime Minister Liz Truss.

P.S.

I preferred Sandy Toxvig.

Zig!

Welcome to a new year of the News Quiz.

Hello,

I'm Andy Zoltman and welcome to the News Quiz review of the year so far.

Well, that's it.

That is our review of the year so far, which actually puts it well above average for a year in the 2020s.

Our teams this week, we have Team Hope against Team Nope.

On Team Hope we have Angela Barnes and Paul Sinner.

And on Team Nope Jeff Norcock and from ITV News Anushka Astana.

And our first question can go to Paul and Angela Prime Minister Kierstarma this week announced a new partnership between what and what.

Is it Angela Barnes and Paul Sinner?

This is his plan to basically save the NHS from privatisation by using the private sector.

Yes.

Clever that, isn't it?

It is very clever.

He's laid out his plan for the NHS.

That's what's happened to cut waiting times.

It was quite interesting.

He said he wants more treatment outside of hospitals.

Presumably still in a medical setting, though.

I don't think we're

quite at the stage of getting appendectomy at Claire's accessories.

But I think it's.

Well, as you hope you know by now, I have skin in this game on two fronts.

Number one, I used to be a doctor, and it's estimated I saved the lives of over 5,000 patients by giving up a career in medicine

to pursue my dreams of comedy.

But secondly, I've not been a well man.

I mean, I've already had Parkinson's disease, but since I was last doing the news quiz, I've had two heart attacks, two angiograms, two MRIs, ultrasounds, seven x-rays, a cardiac bypass operation.

And let me tell you, now, you have not lived.

You've been sat in a bed on a ward in St.

George's hospital and heard a man ring his wife and her on speakerphone, and you hear her bellow at the the top of her voice across the ward.

Odd thing is, he's the chaser I've always hated,

and also several months of speech therapy as well, which has been partially successful.

It's mostly successful, and occasionally with SGM.

And

I'm on, it seems, a hundred waiting lists.

And my experience of this and my family's experiences, nothing's actually changed.

These promises have been taking place for a long, long time, and this is fundamentally a PR exercise.

But what I will say is part of the things that hasn't changed is that the private sector has been involved in the provision of health care for a long, long time and still does now.

And despite being an ideological lefty, I think this is the time to accept that the NHS is so vast that a patient actually receiving treatment within six months of a diagnosis, they're not going to worry about the ideological nature of what they're doing.

They're just happy to be treated.

And I think this is a way I genuinely believe as long as we don't look at privatisation by stealth as something that may happen, and we look at the private sector as something that can help the NHS out, I think this is sensible.

The problem is, this has been promised for a long, long time.

So, although this is a news story because it's happened this week, it's not really a news story because they've been saying it for decades now.

I think, I mean, I'm also an ex-healthcare professional, I'm an ex-nurse, I wasn't a good one.

I know that because when that pandemic happened, not one of my nurse friends suggested I go back to it.

But

incidentally, by the way, we both trained at the same place,

Which is a damning indictment on that institution.

The problem is it is really important, but the person announcing it was Keir Starmer.

I just can't get past the first five words that he says.

Whatever he said,

oh, I'm out.

What is it?

He said, he said that by 2029, 92% of patients will be seen within 18 weeks.

You go, that's not that sad.

But that was Josh Whitacombe, wasn't it?

It was, it was Josh Whitticomb.

I mean, that also sounded like one of those stats.

You know, when they advertise hairspray, they go, 80% of women said this improved 40% of their face.

It's just.

I mean, there's no money.

I think we need to look at creative situations, right?

We're not going to get.

They've already given more funding.

There's no more going to come.

I think we need to get product placements into diagnosis.

They say, look, we looked at the x-ray, here's a break.

Have a break, have a kick out.

That's all we say.

Unfortunately, you have less than 12 months to live, but you know what does live longer?

Washing machines with cowgone.

I mean,

the politics of it.

I mean, we're a week into the new year.

It's every single year, it seems to start with bickering about the health service.

Well, it is very bad at the moment.

I think Wes Streeting, the health secretary, said he was ashamed and distressed by some of the things that we've been seeing around the country.

I mean, one of the things people are talking about is whether the target that you mentioned-92%

of people having planned care within 18 weeks-which now you say it is quite a thing to get your head around,

actually diverts all the attention away from other areas because they're so focused on this one thing, which is elective care.

What about mental health?

Like, where does the money come for mental health, or what about other areas in the health service?

What about AE if they're focused on this?

They're already trying to say to our streeting, move stuff over from AE.

When it came out, we spoke to an expert at the King's Fund, and a couple of the things he said sort of made you think, okay, it's okay, but maybe not amazing.

I think he said that one of the changes, which is more community diagnostic centers, is in the helpful but not game-changing category.

And as for patient choice, he's worried it's going to be a long wait at hospital A or a long wait at hospital B.

I mean, to get people on board, you've got this, you know, 92% seen within 18 weeks.

I think if we really want to get people on board, that has to be maybe a public vote for the 8% who will have to wait longer than 18 weeks.

The NHS plan followed last week's announcement that what is going to be delayed until 2028.

So, this is the report findings into social care that we're streeting announced won't be announced until 2028.

And I just say it's difficult because it's a long way away.

And especially if you're an old person who's currently in need, 2028 seems far too far away to be waiting for results when you're in a position when buying long-life milk feels optimistic.

And social care is something, it's sort of the poor relation to the NHS.

It blows my mind because it's something that will probably affect all of us at some point.

We're all living longer.

We're all going to need it one day.

You know, there's so many hundred-year-olds in this country now, the kings had to get a moon pig account to keep it.

The two big problems for old people, I think, is loneliness and it is also lack of spaces in social care, which leads to bed blocking and increased waiting times.

And these things are all connected, you know.

So, what we do, it's really simple, Andy, is we turn weatherspoons into old people's homes.

Now hear me out.

I don't know if you've been to the day room of an old people's home recently, but it is frighteningly similar to a weather spoon.

But I just think that in a weather spoons,

let's just say your family's more likely to visit you if they can get a pint for £2.50.

I think yeah, loneliness is a good point.

It should be tax breaks, incentives to spending time with your relatives.

Then everyone will be fighting over having them over there.

Go, no, you had mum last weekend.

Mum, come to ours.

We won't even remind you when you repeat an anecdote.

We'll have the TV up so loud the kids' ears bleed.

2028, it's a long time, isn't it?

It's just basically they've kicked it into the long grass, haven't they?

They've sort of said, Look, really, we've got no money, and we're going to try and put it in a bit of time where there might be some money.

We don't know how that money is going to happen.

The main way we'd do it probably is by getting people to go back to the office one day, a week more, and the economic rebound will be largely based to sandwich sales.

It is definitely very disappointing that it has been pushed this back.

I mean, a lot of people you speak to in the sector would say some of the stuff in there is quite good and maybe things will happen.

But to wait till 2028, I started doing stuff journalistically on social care before 2010 when the system was already in crisis.

Andy Burnham, then, who was health secretary, came up with a plan, and then a couple of Tory advisors were looking at it and they were like, oh, let's call it the death tax.

And then the whole of the 2010 election was about the death tax, plan dead.

Then in 2017, Theresa May basically lost her majority because she came up with an unpopular way to fix social care, but potentially quite a sensible one.

And I think on that occasion, the Labour side called it the dementia tax.

And it's just a political football, and it has to stop being one.

And I do think it is very disappointing that it won't be till 2028 that we get a solution.

Although the government claims that as soon as they start getting in ideas from next year and they've put Louise Casey in charge of it, who's obviously a very impressive person, they will start implementing change.

But also,

something to factor in is that the stats show that life expectancy in this country is actually coming down.

So the longer they delay it, the easier it becomes.

Well, also, the NHS is under huge pressure at this time of year because it is facing a quad demic.

Can any of you tell me what is a quad demic?

It's the reason why I spent all Christmas saying to people, oh, there's a lot going around.

I wish people said that for other stuff, like you know, you say, I couldn't get up last night, there's a lot of it going about.

I think it's four illnesses: flu,

COVID, the one I had, norovirus, before Christmas,

there was a lot going around.

And there's another one that I can't remember the name.

RSV.

RSV, Chris.

For those that don't know, respiratory singular virus is the lungs.

Flu is mostly the lungs.

Noro is very gastrointestinal.

And COVID is

brain fog.

So obviously we need to try and unburden the NHS.

Have any of you got any health tips for our listeners?

I don't wear a mask, not to protect you from germs particularly, but to disguise your face so you can rob all the echinacea from Holland and Barrack.

Rather than blood pressure tablets, just don't watch question time.

Anything?

Pray.

Pray.

Okay, well I mean

I mean that's quite cost cost-effective as well, isn't it?

I mean,

and it's statistically slightly more effective than homeopathy.

Yes, so to summarise, these are the ongoing repercussions of Pandora opening that stupid box and releasing all those stupid diseases into the world back in the day.

With the NHS enjoying its annual winter spike from all those people who accidentally asked Santa Claus for a serious illness for Christmas, Keas Darma has unveiled the latest government plan.

The Elective Reform Plan is designed to revolutionize the NHS, creating high-tech high-street diagnostic centres and giving patients a shoppers experience, which is a bit of a risk, unleashing the British public's shoppers' mindset on the NHS.

People will be self-scanning their kidneys and putting them through as potatoes because they think it'll work out cheaper.

The government also plans to deliver 2 million extra appointments by the end of next year, although they'll probably massage the figures by counting a scene in the archers where Eddie has a fish finger removed from his nostril as an NHS appointment for everyone with a functioning radio.

However, achieving these targets might be difficult with the ongoing staff shortages.

The NHS currently has approximately 100,000 vacancies.

So the solution clearly is to incentivise working for the NHS.

If you qualify as a nurse or doctor or other healthcare professional, you get a free operation of your choice.

Two birds, one stone.

Increased reliance on the private sector has led to concerns that patients might be forced to bid for their own treatment as the free markets sort things out like they have so effectively with the railways, Which has really worked.

I think it's really sorted out the people who need to travel from the people who simply want to get to work or see their families.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly.

Must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.

Sucks, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be honest.

Winner, best score.

We demand to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We demand to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs, playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.

Moving on now with the scores at four points all.

Let's move across the Atlantic.

Can either of our teams spot the odd one out from the following places and explain why it is the odd one out.

Greenland,

Panama,

Canada,

Narnia.

The answer is Panama, because the other three are real places.

Well, it's not actually, it's Canada's the odd one, out.

They're the only one that didn't beat England in a one-day international in the 1980s.

It seems that Donald Trump has bizarrely lost the plot slightly,

if such a thing can be believed, because he did a speech where he claimed that he really wanted to put some pressure on Canada, Panama, and in a big surprise, Greenland.

And rather enjoyed the thought that all three of them may be sort of vassal states of the United States in the future.

He hasn't thought things through.

There are 13 provinces and territories in Canada, 12 in Panama, and if you count Greenland as one, there's going to be a flag with 76 stars on it.

76 stars is more than it's a royal knockout.

Denmark have come back, because Greenland is an autonomous part of the Kingdom of Denmark, and Denmark have come back and said Greenland's not for sale.

But they are an autonomous, but no one's asked Greenland what that is.

It's like they're the kid in a divorce battle.

No one's asked them where they want to be.

They might quite willingly give up their sovereignty if they get a drive through McDonald's.

I don't think they're Trump fans.

Greenland have 100% literacy.

You might argue that's easy when there's 190 words for snow, but

let's just try and make some logic of this.

In 1916, Harry Truman did make an offer for Greenland.

It's not unheard of of countries buying other countries, right?

He also said about Canada, he said, you know, America and Canada together.

Imagine that.

You know, once upon a time, we said, hey, England and Scotland together, imagine that.

And we've been getting along famously ever since.

He's obsessed with windmills at the moment.

He really attacked UK energy policy.

Donald Trump said we had a very, very bad energy policy and that we needed to drill in the North Sea and we needed to get rid of all the windmills.

And then he did a press conference and he was going on and on about windmills.

He was talking about them being like litter, dropped around the country and how he wants to get rid of them.

Whereas power stations are fine.

Fine.

Beautiful.

Facts about Greenland.

It is the least densely populated region on Earth, although it did get slightly more dense this week when Donald Trump Jr.

arrived.

Do you know that Denmark, right, sold the US the Danish West Indies in 1916?

Now, hands up if that's the first time you knew that there was somewhere called the Danish West Indies.

Okay, now hands up if you're worried that I'm going to attempt the accent.

You're saying this has happened before, but Canada is the second largest country in the world.

More than that, if you've ever met a Canadian, you'll know that there are very few things they feel more strongly about than A, cheesy chips is acceptable food, B, both the acting Ryans were born there, and C, they are not American.

That is their absolute

what they call it, poutine.

Poutine.

That sounds really cultured, poutine, but it's just cheesy chips.

It's not just cheesy chips.

Right, sorry, I've got to get my Newfoundland roots out here.

My mum's a newfield, and poutine is not cheesy chips.

It is curds with chips and gravy and dressing.

Thank you.

Back in the 1940s and 50s, it was known as starling, not poutine.

Yes, another week, another journey into the anarchic splattergun Jackson polycry that is Trumpian politics.

Donald Trump, the renowned sex offender and fraudster who is about to embark on a criminal rehabilitation programme through which, in an effort to get his life back on track, he will be given a four-year work placement in the White House.

Raised the prospect of America conquering Greenland, Panama, Canada, the Gulf of Mexico, the Vatican City, Chad, sounds American, and sundry chunks of Foreignania and elsewhere Aster.

He also reposted a video calling Benjamin Netanyahu a deep, dark puppy.

Sorry, son of a bitch.

I'm always getting away.

Trump declined to rule out using military or economic coercion to bring Greenland and the Panama Canal under U.S.

control.

He also proposed renaming the Gulf of Mexico as either the Gulf of America or Big Don's Super Splash Sea Park and Oil Exception.

Donald Trump is obsessed with American global reputation, obviously enervated by America's reputation for turning up late to world wars.

If anything, seems to be over-correcting slightly.

And of course, Greenland has only itself to blame for attracting the lascivious eyes of Trump by having a capital called Nuke.

And

meanwhile, outgoing Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said there isn't a snowball's chance in hell that Canada would become part of the United States.

But, we should ask, what about the other way round?

With the US rejoining Canada, it would become part of the Commonwealth again with King Charles as king.

I mean, you know it makes sense, America.

The scores are eight to Angela and Paul and ten to Jeff and Anushka.

Moving on now, Jeff and Anushka, you can have this question.

In this age of democratic apathy, who this week has been criticised for taking too much interest in British politics?

It's that South African bloke, isn't it?

You have to be a little more specific, doesn't that?

Elon Musk.

I mean, I think it's right.

There are people that like him, there are people that like with us politically that find what he says hostile and destructive.

But can we just all admit he's a bit of a bell end?

You know, like

I'm just saying, if I'd have gone to school with him, I'd have done a bit of light bullying.

I'm just

politically, Anushka, you know, I'm a huge fan of democracy to the the extent where I vote in every election around the world.

Should we be worried as democracy fans about the power apparently wielded by Elon Musk?

We should definitely be worried.

You know, I interviewed Jess Phillips about this this week after she was described as a rape, genocide, apologist by Elon Musk and an evil witch.

And when I asked her about how it had made her feel, she sort of said, on the one hand, it's completely ridiculous what he's saying.

And she just wanted to dismiss it.

And then she sort of woke up to the fact that he's got, what, over 200 million followers, and all of those people will have read these comments about her.

And it has influenced our politics, some of it in ways that things that should have happened before now, like they're actually now acting on the recommendations of the Alexis J inquiry.

But in other ways, you know, all these demands for a national inquiry, that is entirely led by Elon Musk's comments on X.

You know, when you talk to people in government, on the one hand, they were really worried, and the initial instinct is you've got to be nice to America on all occasions.

But over the weekend, they realized that the Jess Phillips stuff was really bad and they decided to come out a bit stronger, which Kirstarma did.

But what they are really, really hoping, and I just don't think they're completely right on this, is that the people in Trump's orbit who are saying these things don't speak for Donald Trump, and therefore, it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be really difficult with Donald Trump.

But I think it is important to point out that Donald Trump did not slap Elon Musk down when he was asked about this.

In fact, he basically said he's a great guy.

I mean, he didn't repeat it either, but.

I mean, what do you are you guys worried about?

Musk basically just taking over the whole of human conversation?

I think he's a very interesting person from a pathological point of view because he seems to have something I've read a lot about recently called main character syndrome.

That seems to be what he is.

He sees himself as the main character in things that don't necessarily involve him.

I mean, for instance, he's taken it upon himself to call call us a nation that harbours paedophiles, which would carry some strength until he realised that his definition of a paedophile is anybody that got to the Thai cave before he did.

And it strikes me, people paint him as a supervillain.

I don't think, unlike most supervillains, that's how he sees himself.

I think he's the first Lex Luther that genuinely believes they're Clark Kent.

That's the delusion that he harbours.

And I think, from a pathological point of view, he's an interesting case because it used to be that multi-billionaires didn't have ADHD.

Now that they do, we live in a very different.

He seems to be constantly needing a hit.

And taking prescription ketamine.

I think he's actually admitted to that.

Oh, he's admitted it though.

I didn't know I was allowed to say that.

I'm pretty sure.

Hang on, you could get prescription ketamine.

Paul, for yourself.

For your horse.

For your horse.

Paul, are you still like legally?

Asking for a friend.

Asking for a friend.

In fact, that's why I got kicked out.

It's quite a difficult moment this week, isn't it, for British Musk fans who are also British Farage fans?

Because he sort of came out against Nigel Farage.

Because he said Nigel Farage wasn't fit to lead reform.

And

what I think is quite interesting about that is he's completely misunderstood that for reform voters, Nigel Farage is reform.

Like without Nigel Farage, they've got the campaigning clout of a camera.

But in terms of blink, can you miss it?

It's just been such a ridiculously busy week because you miss a day off social media, then you find out that his dad is claiming that he wants to buy a Liverpool FC.

Now, this does worry me because I'm a Liverpool fan, but

if that's what his dad is saying, please, Liverpool, carry on what you're doing and boycott the sun.

Imagine if he gets involved in British football, that would be awful, wouldn't it?

Because I think the first thing he'd do is ban referees because he doesn't like regulation and he doesn't like whistleblowers.

Well, that would open up quite a big space in the five-life schedule at six minutes past six on Saturday evening, certainly.

I'd love to see how he deals with a Liverpool FC that have got a bloke called Alison in goal and

a strike force called Mohammedan Darwin.

Musk's father also compared the far-right provocateur and serial criminal Tommy Robinson with, strapping everyone, Nelson Mandela.

I assume because both men have spent time in jail and neither has ever won the World Snooker Championship.

By 2020's logic, that's peas and a pod.

So I've got a challenge for our panelists.

Can any of you come up with a more absurd comparison between two people than Tommy Robinson and Nelson Mandela?

James Corden and Jesus Christ.

They've got the same initials.

James Corden looks like he might be quite good at woodwork if he put his mind to it.

And James Corden's story was the most popular at Christmas this year.

Moving on now to our final round, Deputy Emperor of the Universe Mark Zuckerberg has announced an end to what this week?

Fact checkers.

Yes.

Well or fact.

So Facebook had fact checkers.

Does that mean my auntie really was selling Ray-Bans?

Yeah, I mean Mark Zuckerberg, the boss of the social media tech, Behemoth Meta, has announced that facts will be banned on all social media platforms, if I may misrepresent the statement.

Zuckerberg, of course, the 319-year-old professional hopscotch player, eats tadpoles for breakfast, is genetically 99% armadillo, and is a keen reader and writer of snooker-based erotica.

If only there was some way to verify those claims.

Figures show that during the years in which Meta Facebook did use fact-checking, up to 14 possible facts were found,

of which as many as three were almost 100% true.

So, given that we now live in a post-fact universe, there are no more provable facts or disprovable fictions anymore, I'm going to set our panelists a challenge.

I'm going to give them a headline taken from a news story from this week.

They have to tell me statistically what percentage of a fact is in that headline.

Okay, so here is the first headline.

This can go to Paul and Angela.

Panic across the UK as nation is overrun by feral cats.

This is 1% true.

1%?

And what 1%?

Well, there were some lynx loose in Scotland.

Correct, yes.

A pair of lynx that had been illegally released, apparently,

running loose in the Cairngorms, I think it was.

And they sent hunting dogs out to capture them, these lynx, but they mistakenly led the police to a teenage virgin's bedroom.

Well, yes, two lynxes were on the loose in Scotland.

Thankfully the missing lynxes were eventually recaptured before they were able to eat all 65 million plus inhabitants of the UK.

I made it 2% of that story.

That headline was fact, but I'll give you a point for it.

Right off with the scores tied at 13 all, whoever gets this right will win the show.

So the headline is, Ancient Romans say we told you so as scrolls reintroduced.

I'm going to say 1% again, 1.5.

That's a good enough guess, isn't it?

Right.

What are you going for?

Well, consider they've got 1%.

I think we could go 2% mathematically and that would stand a fairly good chance of winning.

It was 1.5%.

So this is the rollable laptop.

So it's the CES.

Yeah, the Consumer Electronic Show.

That's the one.

And they've introduced this rollable laptop, which I wasn't that excited about because I thought, surely every laptop's rollable if you put your mind to it.

This is a massive technology conference in Las Vegas, the biggest of its sort of the year.

And not one of them thought to introduce a printer that works.

Right, well that means that the first show of the year has ended in a tie.

How appropriate for a year in which almost certainly there will be no winners.

And

thank you for listening to the Newsquiz.

Until next week, goodbye.

Taking part in the Newsquiz were Paul Sinner, Jeff Norcott, Angela Barnes, and Unrush Grasdano.

In the chair was me, Andy Zaltzmann.

And additional material was written by Christina Riggs, Mike Shepard, Jake Gebby and Angela Channell.

The producer was Rajiv Karia and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4.

Hello, Russell Kane here.

I used to love British history.

Be proud of it.

Henry VIII, Queen Victoria, massive fan of stand-up comedians, obviously Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor.

That has become much more challenging for I am the host of BBC Radio 4's Evil Genius, the show where we take heroes and villains from history and try to work out were they evil or genius.

Do not catch up on BBC Sounds by searching Evil Genius if you don't want to see your heroes destroyed.

But if like me, you quite enjoy it, have a little search.

Listen to Evil Genius with me, Russell Cain.

Go to BBC Sounds and have your world destroyed.

Hello, I'm Greg Jenner, host of You're Dead to Me, the comedy podcast from the BBC that takes history seriously.

Each week, I'm I'm joined by a comedian and an expert historian to learn and laugh about the past.

In our all-new season, we cover unique areas of history that your school lessons may have missed, from getting ready in the Renaissance era to the Kellogg Brothers.

Listen to You're Dead to Me Now, wherever you get your podcasts.

Sucks!

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We the Man to Be Host!

Winner, Best Score!

We the Man to Be See!

Winner, Best Book!

We the Man to Bequal!

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater, October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com.