Dead Ringers Christmas: Ep 1. Farage Goes to School, The Snowman v Keir, and Alan Carr: Special Negotiator

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The way tire buying should be.

People of Britain, this is your AI Prime Minister.

This winter, even less popular than someone coughing next to you on the train.

But don't worry. I've realized what I have to do to win back your trust and affection.
Yes, I've joined TikTok.

That's right, kids. Sakia is ready to tick and to talk.

So come on, Hepcats, let's get groovy.

On a more serious note, as your PM, it's my job to assess my unpopularity, do some soul-searching, and then blame everyone else for it.

That's why I cleared out Sue Gray and my first team from Downing Street. Then I sacked the team who replaced them and then dismissed the team who replaced the team who replaced the first team.

I don't care how many people I have to sack. I will eventually find the person in number 10 who is making me so unpopular.

But I am going nowhere. I am going to fight on.
I will use every means at my disposal and every fibre of my Lego being to show you that I am the leader that you all know deep down I am.

And then in April, it'll be Prime Minister West Streeting, so that'll be a nice change.

Dead Ringers!

After the monumental success of ITV's Mr. Bates vs.
the Post Office, from BBC Drama comes another tale of a plucky older man who refuses to back down against the might of a vast organization.

This Christmas, we bring you Mr. Trump vs.
the BBC.

I can't believe the BBC would do this to me. They're nasty people, so nasty.

I don't even know where all this hate comes from. I mean, I thought sex offenders were welcome at the BBC.

A quiet, dignified man and his crusade for fair and appropriate compensation. I demand $200 billion.

And I want to own the BBC. And when I do, you'll be watching the Donald shows such as Doctor Who Doesn't Believe in Vaccines

and Grab Them by the Country File.

In a powerful, hard-fought battle against a faceless corporation, one man stands alone in his battle for the truth.

It was so terrible the way they edited my speech to make it seem like I was saying something that in reality, I was only very, very strongly implying.

That's a disgrace. Mr.
Trump vs. the BBC.
Watch it this Christmas on BBC One. Or if we get sued to shit before then, just buy a copy from our bankruptcy sale.

Welcome back to I'm a Celebrity. I'm Aunt Ordek.

The winner of I'm a Celebrity 2025 and the new king of the jungle is Angry Ginge. Congratulations.
How are you feeling? Pretty bloody angry as it happens.

Sorry, Angela Reiner.

That's right. The original angry ginge.

I'm not having some 10-year-old YouTuber taking my title. I said I'd be back, and here I am, Queen of the Jungle, next stop, Downing Street.
Ah, so you're hoping Kier Starmer will give you a job?

Yeah, his.

Right, must go. I've got an appointment with a one-bats anus.

You're going to do a bush-tucker trial? No, that's just what I call Ed Milliband.

You were foolish to return, Obi-Wan.

When we last met, I was but a novice. Now, I am the master.
I know, Vader. You are.

You're definitely the master.

What? We all agree you are the master. The master of peace.
That's why FIFA have created this Jedi Peace Prize.

In recognition of you bringing order to the galaxy.

For me?

Yes, for you. Look, it's a golden trophy showing gnarled hands holding up the Death Star.
What could represent peace more than that?

Oh,

you shouldn't have.

Nonsense. It's about time someone gave you the credit for all the peaceful work you've done.
That Darth Vader, they say, he stops all the Star Wars.

He stopped that war on Alderon single-handedly, just by blowing up Alderon.

Hold on a second. I see what's happening here.
This peace prize has been invented solely to stroke my ego, hasn't it?

You think you can distract me from seizing the Rebel Alliance's ships with a shiny ornament you bought from Pound Land?

You get a medal as well. Such a great honor.
Thank you.

This is BBC Radio 4, and now here's Dame Judy Dench with the Christmas Appeal. Hello.

At this festive time of year, I want you to spare a thought for anyone trying to make head or tail of this year's Christmas adverts.

Those poor people have been watching those Waitrose adverts with Keira Knightley and Joe Wilkinson over and over again, trying to work out the logic.

Why is Kiera Knightley playing herself because she's famous, but Joe Wilkinson is playing someone who isn't famous when he's on the telly more than Kiera Knightley?

How does that work? And that Sainsbury BFG nonsense. Would Sainsbury's really provide free food for everyone when a huge giant rips up the roofs of the houses and steals all the Christmas dinners.

Is it Sainsbury's fault the giant is loose? Why is this information not given to us?

And what about that bloody Aster advert? Is he the Grinch until he sees Aster because he's poor, or because he's miserable?

Either way, what you seem to be saying is that only poor, miserable people shop in Azder.

Actually,

yes, I'll give them that.

You You got there before me, really. Then there's that absolute head scratcher of a John Lewis ad.
Did the dad take his infant son to a rave? It's absolutely baffling.

Your donation will help these supermarkets hire better ad agencies who don't make...

Who don't make it up as they go along. And they might even hire me, so I don't have to keep doing those ghastly money supermarket ads.
They don't make any sense either. Please give what you can today.

Coming soon, the brand new reimagining of the world of Harry Potter. Young wizards, a new student has arrived at Hogwarts.
It is my pleasure to introduce our newest intake, Nigel.

No, no, no, let me expel the armies. Okay,

let Big Niger's schoolyard banter commence. Professor Dumbledore, who is this? Pipe down, you specky snowflake.
I've got one thing to say to you, Lot.

He's speaking impossible tongue. Nope, just practicing my hissing.
Gas the Hufflepuffs.

Quiet, everyone. When I call your name, the sorting hatch will be placed on your head and you will be sorted into your houses.
I don't bloody think so. I've got my own way of categorizing people.

Now, where are the black kids?

Nigel, this is not how we behave at Hogwarts. Oh, shut up, Beardy.
Hands up, who likes my wizard outfit? What sort of wizard are you? A bloody grand wizard, mate.

Although, Diagon Alley didn't sell pointy white hoods, so I've had to make my own. Nigel!

Nigel, that sort of attitude is not welcome here. Are you kidding, mate? The only Asian in this whole franchise is called Cho Chang.
The only Irish bloke's called Seamus Finnegan.

And the banks are run by hook-nosed goblins. I reckon I'll fit in just fine.

Hello and welcome to The Rest is Politics with me, Alistair Campbell, and me, Rory Stewart,

Westminster's elf on the shelf.

Now, Rory, we've had a few emails and a lot of our Converse Trainer-Wearing Centrist dad listeners are a bit worried about some of your recent comments. In what way are they worried, Alistair?

Well, they're worried you're sounding a bit like a Tory.

But I am a Tory, Alistair. From my odd teeth and strange twisted toenails to my Baroness Thatcher neck tattoo.

Don't be ridiculous. We'd never have a Tory on this podcast.
I am a Tory, Alistair.

Was it not a bit of a giveaway that I was a Conservative minister in one of the the most right-wing governments of post-war Britain?

Listen, Rory, we cater to a certain demographic, and that demographic wants content that is pre-masticated Blairite slop. They don't want you spouting off like a Tory.

I can't deny my nature, Alistair. It's like that parable about the frog and the scorpion, where the scorpion privatizes the frog.

Can I set that, Rory? I know you, and you are the exact opposite of everything today's Conservative Party stands for. You're thoughtful, compassionate, moderate, and principled.

Oh, maybe you're right, Alistair. As I've already said, I am thinking of voting Lib Dem at the next election.

Jumping to a fringe party full of cranks at the first sign of trouble. I guess you really are a Tory.

This is fantastic.

The number 10 garden is full of snow. I knew giving the boss of Iceland a peerage was a good move.
It's Christmas, and everywhere's whiter than a reform candidate shortlist.

Why, hello, Sir Keir.

A talking snowman with lumps of coal for buttons and eyes. Someone's spent all their winter fuel allowance.

It's time to go, Keir. That's what my backbenchers are always saying about me.

No, I mean, come and fly with me. Take my hand.

Oh, it's amazing up here. You can see everything.
There's Angela Reina's house and her other one and her other one.

Look at the countryside down there, Keir. It's beautiful.
Mile upon mile of unspoilt, undulating farmland for me to decimate with inheritance tax.

But now our journey must come to a close.

And it's time for the sad ending. Drip, dripping away until there's nothing left but a faint memory.
Are you disappearing? No, Keir.

You are.

Has anyone got a mop? I think I've just made a puddle.

Welcome to the One Show. I'm Roman Kemp, no relation to Ross.
And I'm Alex Jones, no relation to that mad fat bloke from InfoWars.

So what did you do on the weekend, Alex? None of your business, Roman. We've got no chemistry and we never will.
So you can stop trying now.

Coming up later, Giles Brandreth in a chunky knit sweater on the front line in Ukraine.

We had no reason to send him there. We just thought it'd be a bit of a giggle.

Now, as I'm a celebrity raps for another year, we've got a survival expert joining us in the studio. Good evening, Alex Jones.
Oh,

Kemi Badenock.

Surely you don't know anything about staying alive in the jungle? I wouldn't be so sure. Last night I ate kangaroo vaginas.

Because you were inspired by the Bushtucker Trials? No, because it was a Thursday.

Sorry, do you regularly eat animal genitals for tea? Yes, because I am a low-energy weirdo.

And is that why you're wearing that unusual hat? There is nothing unusual about my hat. It is the act of filling it with gravy that is unusual.

But that is just the way I roll.

But as leader of the opposition, aren't you concerned that you might be putting off voters by being this odd?

I am not concerned by that or anything because I always keep a live pine martin in my handbag.

Oh, but we do a lot of films about Pine Martins on the One Show. Maybe you've seen them.
I don't watch the One Show. I'm not that weird.

Coming soon to cinemas near you, the Shawshank Redemption 2025 Remaster. Andy Dufrane was a good man.
Though not always the smartest.

Incarcerated for life at Shawshank High Security Prison, he spent three long, hard years tunneling out of his lonely cell.

With bloodied hands, Andy eventually broke through the wall, crawled through a river of shit, and came out clean on the other side, finally to savor the sweet, sweet smell of freedom.

As for me, I just stood by the release desk and waited for David Lammy to be made justice minister.

A couple of days later, every last man in Shawshank had been set free.

Hey everyone, Ed Helms here. And hi, I'm Cal Penn, and we're the hosts of Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club.

This week on the podcast, I am sitting down with Jenny Garth, host of the iHeart podcast, I Choose Me, to discuss the new Audible adaptation of the timeless Jane Austen classic, Pride and Prejudice.

This is not a trick question. There's no wrong answer.
What role would I play?

You know what? I can see you as Mr. Darcy.

You got a little call in first.

Okay, that's really sweet.

I appreciate that, but are you sure I'm not the dad? I mean, not Mr. Bennett here.

Listen to Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club, on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

Tires matter. They're the only part of your vehicle that touches the road.
Tread confidently with new tires from Tire Rack.

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You're watching Good Morning Britain with me, Susannah Reed, and either Ed Balls or Richard Magley. It's what's known in broadcasting circles as Susannah's choice.

The good news for the Reform Party continues, with former Conservative MPs seemingly defecting to it on a weekly basis. Reform MP Lee Anderson joins me.
You must be a happy man. Am I ex, Susanna?

I'm absolutely bloody furious.

But your party has never had so much support. Why are you angry? Because of all these bloody people coming over here and filling in our membership forms.
It's an absolute disgrace.

But why is that a problem? We're full, Susanna. It's overcrowded enough as it is, so we should send them back.
But aren't more people good for the party? Oh, yeah, you would say that, wouldn't you?

Typical leftist woke-arty journalists. I bet you'd want to let them all in.
Open door policy, you'd say.

Sorry, I'm struggling to see what you're upset about. Get that tippy wacky wacky out your ears and listen.
This used to be a great party before all these lot come over.

Back then, it was just me and a couple of others shouting at a lamppost. A face I drew on a spoon was the party treasurer for eight months and most importantly I got all the airtime.

Now the news is always filled with some new reform councillor saying something like sparkling water turns kids gay. It used to be me on TV saying that.

And we're just hearing that in the latest opinion poll, reform are further ahead than ever with even more people joining your cause. Oh God, when will this nightmare ever end?

You're listening to The World at One with me, Sarah Montague. Peace talks between Russia and Ukraine have stalled.

However, the BBC can exclusively reveal that the British government has recruited an elite negotiator to push a deal across the finish line. He joins me now.
Hello, Sarah. I'm sweating packets here.

Can someone get me a large glass of rosé pronto?

Alan Carr, I have to say you seem an unlikely choice to negotiate peace between Putin and Zelensky. Rude? Did you not watch the traitors? My manipulation skills are second to none.

I'll have them both convince I'm on their team. So, how do you propose to deal with Putin? The same way I did with Paloma Faith.

Lots of friendly chit-chat, some cheeky banter, then boom, he's straight out of the game.

Alan, with all due respect, this sounds like quite a big mission even for you. Oh no, I'm so good at plotting behind the scenes that I've secretly been doing it for years.

Remember the Abraham Accords? Me. The Armenia and Azerbaijan peace deal? Me.
Celia Emery's fart? Actually, me.

Have I been given the credit for it? Have I, Eck? Well, I'm very sorry. I seem to have underestimated you.
Water under the bridge, love. Anyway, I'll best be off.

I'm voting at the roundtable to banish Zelensky. And guess who ends up as president of Ukraine? It's going to be you, isn't it? Me? Oh, no, I'm far too busy.

What with all the shows the BBC are now begging me to star in? I'll get Claudia to do it. She's got that scary, pooting glare off to a T.
Oh, I'm so catty.

Hello, everybody. I'm Sarah Cox, and welcome to the Marvelous Miniature Workshop, the show where highly skilled miniaturist craftspeople recreate things on a tiny scale.
Very nice.

Basically, it's what would happen if the people who came up with the repair shop did a lot of ketamine.

This week, workmates Kia and Rachel are here. Good day.
Hello. Look through here, guys.
Now, the team have been really hard at work and they've created the tiniest thing we've ever made.

Look down this microscope. Gosh.
Wow. Yes, it's your chances of winning the next election.

Minister sounds tiny.

Can you see the tiny cat in the tiny hell we've made? That's your chances.

So cute, isn't it? Bless.

Oh, so join us next time on the marvellous miniature workshop when we'll be getting the microscope out with the England cricket team to show them their ability to learn from their mistakes.

Hello? Vladimir, it's your number one buddy, the Donald.

Again?

It is 4 a.m. in Moscow.
I told you, I would be sending you the new U.S.-Ukraine peace plan in the morning. And I can't wait to read my latest ideas to end the war.

It's time that nasty, stubborn Zelensky agreed to give ground. Yes, all of it to me.

The thing is, Vlad, since Epstein died and Milania has got these new locks on the door, you're my only true friend.

That Zelensky is such a creep, a bad man. He refuses to hold elections, but you, Vlad, you've already held your next three.
You're the best.

You really get me.

I understand all of that, but you have to stop ringing me in the middle of the night.

If I don't get eight full hours, my day goes right out the window, along with my defence minister and two of the stripers tonight.

Oh, he's gone. I miss him already, but wait till Vlad hears the new East Wing ballroom has a hot tub built just for two.
So snuggly, so bubbly.

You're listening to the Today programme with me, Emma Barnett, in London. And me, Amu Rogan, absolutely everywhere.

The headlines. With cases of the H3N2 superflu surging and hospital admissions skyrocketing, NHS bosses are warning we could be just days away from Chris Whitty saying next slide please

this has been a tough festive season for labour but it's the super flu that is wreaking havoc with traditional seasonal events joining me now is one person badly affected yes Amel this is really worrying I'm very busy at Christmas and this is going to take a real chunk out of my income If I have to cancel all my gigs, then I'll be right, buggered.

I'll have to sell the turkey and eat the kids' guinea pig for Christmas. I'm sorry, our researchers didn't supply me with your name.
Who are you again? Catherine Jenkins.

It's been revealed this week that whilst on a date with Pamela Anderson, Liam Neeson fought off a bear. Liam Neeson has released a statement.
I don't know who you are, bear.

And I don't know why you think you have a hard stare.

I can tell you that I don't have any marmalade. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills.

Skills that make me a nightmare for darkest Peruvian bears like you.

If you let my duffel coat go,

that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you.
But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will find Aunt Lucy, and I will kill you.

I'm Sophie Ridge, and this is Sky News. Labour's opinion poll ratings are at an historic low, and there's open talk in the party about who might replace Sakir Starma.
The Prime Minister joins me now.

Settle down at the back, please. It's your own time you're wasting.

Sakir, your government's managed to become incredibly unpopular in just 18 months. How are you going to steady the ship?

Well, Sophie, I have decided now is the time to be bold and bring someone controversial back into the cabinet after she had to resign.

This person is an inspirational reminder that no matter who you are, you can still make it to the top. You're bringing Angela Rayna back? Not her, no.

Oh my god, you! I know!

Prime Minister, you're appointing Liz Truss to your cabinet. Absolutely right.
To get the British public back on side, I've appointed Liz Truss to an important new post.

The Minister for Remember How Bad It Was Before though? Maybe we're not that terrible there.

Chaos is a ladder, baby, and I'm swinging that thing round like a Chuckle Brother on Charlie.

But why?

Because people need to really count their blessings that I'm the man in charge. Someone with all the dynamism of a hair clog in the shower.

Liz is here to slay the game, girl boss style-y. I'm like the K-pop demon hunters.
I'm a load of random words coming at you. You can't believe I'm a thing.

And the only people who relate to me are six-year-olds off their bons on Haribows.

So from now on, whenever I announce a policy, my new minister here will announce what she would do, given the reins of power again.

I'll give you an example. I'm going to increase the national insurance tax on employers.
And I'm going to abolish the National Health Service and replace it with a Dakshin with a first aid kit.

How do you like me now, voting public?

And what about this? I'm going to curtail the right to trial by jury. And I'm going to convert the old Bailey into a laser quest.

Zap, you're guilty, jokes.

You know what? I think this might just work. I know!

BBC Sounds, music, radio, podcasts. Welcome to Newscast with me, Chris Mason.
And me, Laura Koonsberg. Christmas is the perfect time to reflect on another remarkably successful year here at the BBC.

Because in the 12 months to Christmas here at the BBC

we've had

12 rows on Gaza, 11 memos leaking, 10 strictly scandals, 9 racist rumblings, 8 dodgy edits, 7 storms on social, 6 lawsuits filed for £5 billion, pounds

four lineker tweets three board splits two bosses quit does alan partridge from the bbc

dead ringers was performed by jan ravens jess robinson kieran hodgson and josh berry it was written by nev fountain and tom jameson lawrence howarth sarah campbell sophie dixon and John Holmes.

Additional material by Alice Bright, Rachel E. Thorne, Jennifer Walker, Joe Topping, Alex Buchanan, and G.
Watson. Dead Ringers was created by Bill Dare.

It was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4, and the producer was John Holmes.

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Tires matter. They're the only part of your vehicle that touches the road, and they're responsible for so much.
Acceleration, braking, steering, and handling.

Tread confidently with new tires from Tire Rack. Whether you're looking for expert recommendations or know exactly what you want, Tire Rack makes it easy.

You'll get fast, free shipping, free road hazard protection, and convenient installation options. Try mobile installation.
They'll bring your new tires to your home or office and install them on site.

Tire Rack has the best selection of tires from world-class brands, and they don't just sell tires, they test test them on the road and on their test track.

Learn how the tires you want tackle evasive maneuvers, drive and stop in the rain, or just handle your everyday commute.

Go to tirerack.com to see their tire test results, tire ratings, and consumer reviews. Be sure to check out all the current special offers.

That's tirerack.com, tirerack.com, the way tire buying should be.