Overcoming An Eating Disorder | Girls Gone Bible

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Hi

hi

Why?

Why are we so scared?

Holy

holy

yeah, yeah, no, it was your it was your solo

Hey guys, I'm Man.

And I'm R.

And this is Girls Gone Bible.

We're a faith-based podcast where we talk all things, spirituality, mental health.

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Give him a minute.

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More Jesus time.

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So I'm really excited about today.

We're really excited about today.

Yes.

As a lot of you guys know, Ari and I wrote a devotional and it's right here.

We have it in our hands and we are going to spend two episodes today and next week kind of talking about, we just want to take you through a devotional each and just talk about what it was like writing.

And just a lot of things about it.

So writing this devotional for Ari and I was just insane.

It was so fun.

It was so beautiful and it was really emotional.

As a lot of you guys know, we've talked about it, but basically it's 31 devotions, 31 days of scripture, of

a story from our lives, an anecdote, a moment in time where Ari and I experienced something, where we were in the wilderness, where we experience hardship.

And then we kind of take you through like the mistakes that we've made, the wrong ways in which we were were brought up, the bad things that happened that were out of our control, and just like where Jesus was in that.

And I think that's just like such a beautiful way to heal is to like go back to different times of your life, address it, feel it, move through it, and then see where Jesus was in that, you know?

Yeah.

And I think it's, it was so, what's special about this book is we were in the middle of a lot of what we were writing.

I'm excited to talk to you today about

this specific devotional because I know that you were in the middle of it.

It's something you're still walking through.

And so I'm really excited because I know so many people that are battling this and I just know it's going to bless and free so many people today knowing they're not alone.

So I'm excited to talk to you about this today and just listen.

Thanks so hard.

Yeah.

Yeah, so today I want to take you guys through one of my devotionals.

Devotions or devotionals?

I just want to, and this one is called Overcoming Disordered Eating.

So I,

you, a lot of you know that I've been on a really long journey with disordered eating.

And what's so interesting about writing a book is that you write a book and then a year later, you're like, hmm, I would, I'm in such a different place.

I would write this differently.

I'd say this.

I actually don't even agree.

Not that I don't agree with this anymore, but like I would, I think about things differently.

My relationship with Jesus, obviously, hopefully has progressed and and developed and established more that you're just different, you mature.

And so I look back on even this devotional about disordered eating, and I was writing from the moment in time that I was in.

And when you read this devotional, you kind of see

that it's like, it's hopeful.

There's a lot of hope in it because I had just

received.

incredible, supernatural, miraculous breakthrough in my eating disorder, which I will get to.

And I have some things I want to tell you guys and some things that I am ready to share that I wasn't ready to share before.

But so Ari and I also recorded the audio book for this.

And when I was doing the audio book,

I got to this part.

I didn't even cry in.

I didn't cry in any of them, right?

Like I wasn't

super emotional about them.

And then I got to this one, my eating disorder devotional.

And I actually started to get ministered to by God.

I started getting getting touched by the presence of God, by the Spirit of God as I was reading.

Not because these are my words and I'm emotional about this thing that I'm like recounting.

I actually got touched by the Holy Spirit through my own words as if I wasn't the one who wrote them.

I needed hope the day I went in.

I wrote from a place of hope because that's where I was at.

I had hope.

And since then, sometimes after like big breakthroughs, you're on like a high almost and it's amazing.

And then you then find yourself in a different difficult place and you all, you forget, you forget what God brought you out of.

You forget the beautiful things that have happened.

And so I'm reading this and like the hope of Jesus actually like fills my heart.

And so I say that to say like, I'm not saying that this is the best book you'll ever read.

I'm not saying that we're the most incredible writers.

All I'm saying is that the Holy Spirit wrote these words.

And like, we're not the most gifted people, but like the Holy Spirit spoke.

And like, these are real life stories.

And I just, I can't believe like the power of God.

He ministered to me through my own words as if I didn't write them.

Wow.

You know, like I had no connection to the person.

Like it was just Jesus speaking.

So.

Anyway, so I just, we want to take you through it a little bit, right?

This is day 25.

It's called Overcoming Disordered Eating.

And it gives a script.

I gave a scripture.

It's 1 Samuel 16, 7.

The Lord said to Samuel, Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him.

The Lord does not look at the things people look at.

People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.

And then Psalm 139, 14 says, I praise you because you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Your works are wonderful.

I know that full well.

And then I go on to give an explanation in context about the scriptures that I wrote talking about David.

And I go on to write, it says from Angela, because Ari will have a day, then I'll have a day.

And it says, I often think of the younger version of myself, the one who began to be aware of her body way earlier than she should have.

The one who was only seven years old, trying to starve herself so she could look skinny at the community pool.

a child looking in the mirror, picking herself apart and pointing out everything she hated about herself.

I have sat and had so many conversations with God, asking him why and when this started, who made a comment they shouldn't have, who judged my appearance, who made me feel like I wasn't good enough, and how, God, has it stuck with me all these years later.

My complicated relationship with food began as early as I can remember.

I'd started going on crash diets when I was in middle school, and in high school I would take medications that would ruin my appetite so I wouldn't eat.

This was my normal and continued until my mid-20s.

I've battled a decade-long silent war in my relationship to my body and to food.

And so, and then it goes on and then we have

a part where then we lead you in prayer, and then there's like space for you to write your own prayer and your own thoughts.

And yeah, a lot of you know that I've had a really, really

crazy battle just with food and body image and just like like my relationship to my body and my relationship to food and it's been really hard and like

when

there is i've done a lot of things in my life that i'm ashamed of

And shame is so funny because you can be ashamed of things that other people are like, why are you so ashamed of that?

There's so much shame attached.

Like, I could talk about my past all day long now.

Something happened in that, like, shame and past episode where just my heart was open to the fact that, like, I have to, I have to, like, talk about things.

Yeah, I have to talk about things that are like so shameful.

Like, if there's something that you are in a conversation and it's the one thing that you don't share, like, it's the one thing you need to share, you know.

And so,

I battled an almost 10-year-long battle with bulimia, and

it is so

just insane to think about all that I went through in almost 10 years and how along the way a couple people would know a couple people would be told or even like find out and

but for the most part like it was silent it was completely I was alone in it I didn't tell anybody

mostly because I didn't want anybody to try to get me to stop.

Like, you know what I mean?

I didn't want anybody.

And I was just so deeply ashamed.

I'll never forget the first time I

was, I believe, 19.

Yeah.

And I was 18 or 19, and I was in college.

And me and my friend from college went out to dinner.

And

this is not her fault by any means.

This is just like girls, people.

This is what happens.

You influence people without even meaning to.

And we had like just eaten dinner and we were both so full.

And she had told me, like, I said something like, oh, I'm so full.

Like, I hate, right?

I had been struggling with body stuff and starving myself my whole life, practically, but never this.

This was like to like purge, to binge and purge, to like throw up on purpose to remove food out of your stomach in order to not gain weight.

Like that was not even on my radar.

I didn't know that even really people did that.

And this, and this, my friend at the time, she goes, you know, the one way.

She goes, you know, the best way.

Or like, what did she say?

Like, it was just so, it stuck with me all these years.

She was like, You want to, you know, the best thing you can do.

You can eat as much as you want, and then you can go throw up.

And I literally, my mind, like, just like the dysfunction in my mind already goes,

this is amazing.

This is an escape.

It's a way out.

It's a cheat code.

It's like,

so that and that began.

And like, I went through that in college.

I,

you know, went through just a really insane battle for 10 years that I can't even believe I'm talking about.

I thought it was the one thing that I would never talk about.

I'm so proud of you.

I love you.

It's just so, it was so shameful for me.

And it still is.

It feels so embarrassing.

And I was just, I hated it.

And it was an addiction.

It was an addiction.

And it was like the control that I struggle with.

I got to a point like our bodies are meant to have like a mind-body connection.

Like your mind, your brain knows when you're full, your brain knows when you're hungry, and when you suffer with eating disorders, like you, you cut off that connection.

So, my, and still to this day, I don't have full mind-body connection where my body gets like food sick, like cues that like you're hungry, or you're full.

Um, wow, I can eat a banana, I can eat anything, I can eat a protein bar and like feel like I've just had a three course meal.

I don't have that connection that other people do.

Why is that?

Because you're just, you like abuse your body.

When you abuse your body, you just, you sever it because you're not letting your body, allowing your body to do the normal thing that it does.

Where it like, you stop when you're full and you eat when you're hungry.

I would like not eat when I was full and then I would continue to eat even if I was full and say, oops, did it again.

I'm going to go take care of it.

I can't even really say like throw up yet.

I'm still like,

it's just like really, it's so hard.

It was such a devastating, like dark,

it's just crazy.

Almost 10 years.

Did you ever, were you in so much shame that you didn't even talk to God about it?

It wasn't until

I

my first few years of my relationship with Jesus, I was, it was like the one thing.

It was almost like I had bigger fish to fry.

Right, right.

So I was like, I was so anxious.

I had so much anxiety.

I was so like mentally unwell that that was just like,

it wasn't until probably I was like 25, 26 where I, he started to speak and be like, this, we have to address this.

We have to, right?

Like he gave me patience and grace, but I,

it was just so, it was just so crazy.

I was like,

I had no food or like hunger cues.

I didn't know when I was full.

I, then it became like a control thing where I became so hyper aware of how full I was because I was never full because either I wouldn't eat or I would throw up what I ate even if it wasn't like bad.

Even if like I just I then my brain conditioned me to think that if I like you feel full and it's like this is beautiful.

Great.

Like I meant to feel full.

Feeling full was bad for me.

So no matter what I ate, like sometimes there were times where it was like multiple times a day.

Like it was really, really scary and really bad and I couldn't control myself.

It was crazy.

It was an addiction.

It was

a coping mechanism and it was horrible.

And so I

want to take you guys through.

I got my journal yesterday and I've only journaled for this one period of time for like seven months.

And I need to start journaling again because I discovered so much about myself.

So I write this devotional right after, maybe like three months after

I didn't throw for the last time or I throp for the last time.

I had fasted and prayed for probably a year

about this.

So just like with alcohol, I prayed for six months before I was delivered from it and it never, I never drank again.

So that was the alcohol.

This would have been, I don't have the exact date, but I was trying for a long time.

I was trying for a year.

I would go a couple, I would go weeks without doing it.

I would go a month without doing it.

And then I'd fall back into it.

And I write about it in my journal.

It was just like this.

It was this cycle.

And I was trying not to.

I was trying to break free.

And I was praying and I was fasting for a long time because it was so deeply ingrained in who I was that it wasn't just an option of just like stop.

This, it was who I was.

It was a part of my everyday.

My mind became, and I don't know all the psychology behind bulimia and eating disorders,

but I just want to read a couple of these.

This is February 2nd, 2024.

So this was a year and like three months ago now.

So last night was my birthday dinner.

And dot, dot, dot, I didn't throw up exclamation points.

We're in Nashville here.

Wow.

So you had no idea any of this.

Yeah, so Ari didn't know this yet.

I actually told her.

Recently.

I told her after I couldn't tell anybody until I knew I beat it because I, I was so, I didn't know if it would come back.

I didn't know if, you know, I would ever do it again.

And so I waited until I knew for sure that like, yeah.

So I told Ari recently, I was so deep in shame that I couldn't even tell my best friend.

That's how much I was just so embarrassed.

I believe this was in Nashville.

My heart.

Yeah.

So I said, I was trying so hard to get free.

Like, I, you know, I didn't want to do it.

I was like.

We were in Nashville together.

Yeah.

On my birthday.

Remember, we went to the Send and we went to that restaurant with Allie and Ashley.

I was so proud of myself.

I was working through like eating a meal and then not throw, like, it's crazy.

So last night was my birthday dinner and I didn't throw up exclamation points.

Wow, Jesus.

It was really cool.

I felt the Holy Spirit's empowerment and it felt really good.

I just felt a calmness about it.

Like every time a thought came, the Holy Spirit tore it down immediately.

If you could just help me in this area, though, Jesus, so I don't focus too much on the negative because I see so much how, because I see so much how you have moved so much.

And I'm so grateful.

Like I know it's my birthday, but my stomach hurt after.

I don't want to feel like that.

Can you help me on that, Jesus?

Like a surgeon, go into my brain.

Can you train my brain not to stress so much when I'm bloated?

Like it's really not that big of a deal.

And then I go forward.

And then this was a moment where, so I was in Nashville and I had like gone through, I think a couple of months.

I love you.

It's crazy.

I had gone through a couple of months of, I think I was free.

And then this is a moment where I fell into it again.

This is February 6th, 2024.

Hi, Jesus.

I almost feel like I'm coming to you with my tail between my legs.

So I had my birthday in Nashville and I did not throw up the whole week.

It was absolutely incredible.

I felt such an empowerment from the Holy Spirit.

I just felt like I had overcome it.

The thought would come into my mind and then it would just pass by.

I didn't feel out of control.

But then I can't say exactly what it was, but I was listening to a phone call about a family member that was really hard for me.

And so I got really triggered.

My anxiety got triggered.

And it's, I wanted, right, to go somewhere that would help it release you.

Yeah.

And then

there was such a wrestle within my heart.

I got in the car and I was still wrestling.

I was contemplating and debating in my head.

It's honestly really sad to think about.

I didn't want to do it.

I was trying not to, but then someone called me.

It was a perfect storm.

Something happened with this person and it just sent me over the edge.

I'm not using it as an excuse,

but it was miserable.

I'm paying for it today.

So much shame and guilt.

Jesus, I have a question.

I didn't ruin all the progress, right?

I can still have that empowerment from the Holy Spirit.

I repent from the sin, I turn from it.

I ask for your forgiveness, Lord Jesus.

Please forgive me, Father.

And now send me your Holy Spirit to help me.

I can't do this on my own.

I need you, Jesus.

I need your help.

I'm never going to binge and throw up again.

I decree and declare right now that I am free from the all-or-nothing mentality in Jesus' name.

And then, okay.

Jesse do you have issues

that's so sad

I need to go back thank you I know

you were gonna read that I'm sorry it's I documented my whole wrestle and my whole struggle Wow it was such a fight I was fighting it felt like I was fighting for my life I can't believe I didn't know it.

It's okay.

Are you okay with this?

Yeah, okay.

It's crazy

when you read that, how much

just how the enemy works with the shame, being like, it's okay, right?

Like, I made progress.

Am I going to be punished?

I repent.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's so the shame cycle is shame is a killer.

And I am and so another thing, something that happens from bulimia, from throwing up is your face gets super puffy.

And so if you look back at the podcast, my face looks like completely different.

And that was one of the hardest parts of it for me because I felt internal shame.

And then I felt like I wore the shame on my face.

Like

every time I looked in the mirror, I was reminded of what I was doing and what I didn't have control over.

And I hated how I looked for vanity purposes.

Like I was miserable.

Remember, I would tell you, I'd be like, I feel so ugly and I wouldn't tell you why and be like what are you talking about and I'd be I'd be like I hate my face like I hate how I look and like that's why this was happening

and February 18th I said Jesus I was doing so good with the eating I was having meals trying a bite of everything and then leaving it at that and then all of a sudden I let it happen at once and then it's like I fully lose control.

I'm starting to like study and watch what happens.

It really is the scripture when where when the seven come back stronger, but it is getting better.

That I can say.

But also the shame and guilt are getting stronger as well.

And as awful as it is, I'm thinking it's a good thing.

I'm glad that I see myself differently afterwards.

It's becoming less and less, the throwing up.

We're beating it.

And hell is so mad about it.

Thank you for all you do for me, Jesus.

Seriously.

I love being teammates.

I love being team, Jesus.

I love our relationship.

I love you.

And then the next day I said, Father, I had two rough days of eating.

I'm feeling super insecure and self-conscious about my face, the puffiness.

What do you think?

Can we take away the shame and guilt and have me start over fresh and have me a hundred and

and have me, I wanted Jesus to miraculously make me not puffy.

I wanted him to like,

and he said, um,

and I said, or is it a good reminder to not do it again?

I was in this like, I wasn't accepting his love.

I wasn't accepting grace.

I thought that he, I thought that he was punishing me and I was like inflicting his punishment on myself.

Like I didn't understand yet that he's like, I love you so much.

Just come.

Let me take care of it.

I was like, I deserve punishment.

I'm here.

Like I didn't even have a right understanding of who he was.

Wow.

Isn't it so crazy?

So this is February 22nd.

God, without you, I truly truly live in hell on earth.

Like it's actually insane.

Being here in New York, it was when we were in New York.

Being here in New York should have felt fun, but I truly feel miserable, bound.

God, I've been so bound by binging and I'm wearing it on my face and it's absolutely killing me.

I see the sin when I look at myself.

I feel hideous, but I feel like I deserve to feel this way.

Jesus, I'm so ashamed, so much shame for all the binging, absolutely out of control.

I know I can't be possessed because of the Holy Spirit, but it literally feels like possession.

Please, Jesus, I want to obey your command.

I hate this sin.

I don't want it.

I'm begging you, Father.

You know what I love?

I've never had a right relationship with the Father, but I always talked to the Father when I needed him in this area.

Like, I knew, I knew he'd come and I knew he'd do it.

Bring it to a close.

Put an end to this toxic cycle of binging.

I need help.

I surrender this to you and I tell you that I can't overcome it without you.

I don't have the strength or the tools.

Father, I'm asking you to provide the way for escape for me.

Bring me the tools and resources.

Bring me the help I need.

Help me.

I've come to the end of myself.

I was so out of control.

I never want to deal with this again.

I said, don't remove your hand.

Cover me in Ari, Jesus.

Protect us.

Covers everybody.

It was always you.

Don't remove your hand from my life, Father.

I need you, Jesus.

He thought, I thought that he was going to remove his hand from my life.

I thought he was so mad at you.

I thought he hated me for this.

I need you, Jesus.

Bring me close.

I'm staying pure.

I'm staying obedient.

I'm staying pure, Jesus.

Please don't take your hand from me.

Dear Jesus, God, I need you so badly.

How do I get this stronghold off of me?

Jesus, I am binging and throwing throwing up such an uncontrollable amount.

The past two weeks have literally been non-stop.

My face is huge.

I don't even recognize myself.

Please, Jesus, help me get help.

Who do I tell?

Please, Jesus, you've helped me with everything up until now.

I just called a Christian counselor with tears in my eyes.

I actually feel a little bit of hope.

I feel a glimmer of hope.

Do people actually ever recover from this?

I am battling a violent eating disorder alone.

Not a single person knows it.

It's time to end.

I am so tired of feeling shame.

I am done with living in secrecy.

The enemy's hold on me is coming to an end.

I rebuke Satan in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

I am overcoming this.

Kill the sin, Jesus.

Kill the addiction.

I love you so much, Lord.

March 7th.

I love you so much, God.

Thank you for who you are.

Wow, I almost binged after dinner last night, and I received empowerment from you not to.

I literally overcame the temptation through power from your spirit.

It was such a good feeling.

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

No temptation has overtaken you that is uncommon to man.

Sin is crouching at the door.

You're eager to control you, but you must subdue it and become its master.

I'm just repeating scripture.

When was this?

That was March 7th.

So this is about a month before I stop.

I don't know, and this is this a a little while later.

Hi, God.

Today is the definition of coming boldly to the throne of grace.

I need mercy.

I need help.

Jesus, I've really failed the past few days.

My face is practically disfigured.

I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin with shame.

I'm so disappointed, and I feel so out of control.

I need you.

I need the Holy Spirit.

I need help.

I'm coming to you on my hands and knees, nose to the floor, broken and ashamed, but I'm not running from you.

I'm coming to you.

I need you, Father.

Please wrap your arms around me.

Release me from the shame, Father.

Kill the sin.

Give me self-control.

I receive your help today, God.

I repent from the sin.

I hate it.

It is my enemy.

I hate it.

I come out of agreement with binge-eating, bulimia, and I turn from it, never to return again.

I just

April 2nd, 2024.

So since that last one, which was in March, I had never wrote about bulimia again.

By April 2nd,

God, together we'll overcome every sin and temptation.

Thank you for healing my eating

dysoria, eating disorder.

This area stays under the blood of Jesus.

By his stripes, I am healed.

Miracle-working Jesus.

And I never wrote about it again.

So that is how you beat something.

That's how you fight through something.

Like I was reading this yesterday and feeling like I was going through hell and I kept trying and I kept going and I kept saying, I know.

I know I'm going to beat this.

I know Jesus is going to free me.

And it didn't happen overnight.

I fought so hard for what felt like a really long time and through fasting and prayer and falling down and getting back up.

And it's just so insane.

First of all, I just want to thank you because you don't understand, like, her even telling me was one of the hardest things she had to do.

So, for you to sit up here today and, like,

read a journal and

be so vulnerable and so brave to speak on one of the most embarrassing things that you've ever had to go through and shameful things

to help these people.

Yeah.

It's just, um,

I'm just so,

so, so proud of you.

And

I know Jesus is looking down at you being like, that's my girl.

I love you so much.

And you've been that seed for me of

no matter what comes your way, like, you fight.

You fight and you don't run from him.

And you never have through every single hard battle in your life and that's why i have been able to fight so hard in my own life i love you so much and i know that's why so many other people are able to fight so hard because you're strength you're the definition of

strength

and so thank you i love you

I just know how hard this is for you.

So,

I don't know.

It's amazing.

And boy, have you beat it.

And I know you're still walking through some stuff, but.

But I never did it again.

I stopped that one last time.

And I remember being like, I don't remember.

I don't remember what time it was.

I don't remember the moment it was.

I don't remember.

But I remember having a couple weeks of being like,

am I free?

But like not fully knowing if I was, but being like,

there was a moment where I really knew like I'm never doing this again.

And it's like the alcohol.

I will never do it again.

I've never had, not that I haven't had the temptation.

Like, there have been moments where I felt really full, but my mind has never gone there even one time in over a year.

Can you take us through the process?

Because I know you wrote through, you wrote through, like, what was happening and like how you felt, Shame, you kept going back.

But can you take us through the process of like,

the end of it like the day you were like, it is finished?

Can you just take us through that process?

Because so many girls are just probably watching being like, I can't, how do I beat this?

I keep saying I'm going to stop and then I don't.

Like, take us through the process.

Well, and I don't remember the last time.

I don't remember the last day.

I remember the time.

I remember it was before John came into my life.

I remember it was like, I remember it was during that time.

But this is how I fought.

I fought through prayer.

I fought through scripture.

I fought through fasting and praying.

And I just knew that I had a stronghold.

And I knew that I had done this for like six, seven years

before

Jesus came into my life and started being like, what is going on?

And so when you do something for such a long time, you have to fight to the end to get free from it.

And like Jesus fights, right?

But like you partner with him in fighting.

I had to fight.

I fought on my knees.

I fought in prayer.

And

for every person that's listening, my whole point in doing this today

is because, first of all,

I needed to release this.

I needed to get because, like, I was still bound with shame.

I was so embarrassed.

John, a little early on in our relationship, this was so, I don't know why this is the most embarrassing thing in the world for me more than anything.

I'm so,

it's just like it's, there's gluttony involved.

There's, it's, it's bad like it's not good it's it's it's horrible

and it's just like devastating what it does to your body there are people who die from this type of stuff

and so first of all i needed to be released from the shame that like my whole testimony my whole testimony is worth sharing because

because look what jesus did look what he did i literally have proof of what he did in my life and it's so insane and like i just think about the way that I talk to him.

They weren't these incredible prayers.

His desire is that we talk to him, that we'd write and be like, God, why is this happening?

Do you think this is okay?

What do you think about this?

Like, it was just so innocent and so.

What was the shift for you?

There's something so sweet that I wrote about you.

Oh, what was the shift for you about how God

viewed you with this whole thing?

I think I'm still working through that where, and I've had so much breakthrough.

It's, I'm telling you, the shame and past episode, all of that opened me up to my whole life changed.

It changed my entire life.

We had an episode on perfectionism.

My perfectionism and thinking that I needed to be perfect and that I like had to like,

it's not like I ever really upheld an image because I was honest, but like the really, really bad struggles were such a weakness for me.

Like, it felt like I had such an idol of being strong, and like, it was so much pride that, like, I could never admit to anybody that I was going through this because Jesus saved my life.

How can you go through this if I'm preaching about a Jesus who saved my life?

But this is the reality.

We're two girls who sit on a podcast who do

walk the talk and live live the life that god has called us to live and we struggle every single day of our lives and we fall every we fall every day and we go through things and jesus did save our lives and it's a lifelong process especially if you're in our position where we didn't have this our whole life you know what i mean we just came into this we just realized what who he is and what he does and

so it was through that i always knew jesus loved me but you read my journal and every time i sin every time i do something I ask him, please don't take your hand from me.

It's not who he is.

It's not who he is.

He's literally being like, oh, it's my desire to love you in this moment.

It's my desire to comfort you in your sin.

It's my desire to literally wrap my arms around you when you've made the biggest mistake of your life.

Yeah.

You know, and like me struggling with bulimia didn't make me a bad person.

It didn't make me less of a Christian.

It didn't make me like, I just struggled.

Like, you know, I was just struggling.

And

I just, I say this to say, like,

you're not alone if you're going through this.

I know bulimia is like the one thing that people don't share.

It's like, not the one thing.

There are a couple of those, but it's one of the things that people don't share.

And it's just like, you guys, you fight on your knees.

You fight your heart out.

Journal to him.

Talk to him.

And understand.

Do you want to know why I got emotional in my own devotional?

I didn't mention the bulimia.

I would have never done it at that time.

Ari asked me a couple months ago, maybe two months ago.

She said, I think you should share it.

And I was like, I can't do that.

Like, I can't do that.

And she's like, I think you should share it.

I'm encouraging you.

Like, there are a lot of people who need to, who need to hear what you have to say about this.

And I was like, yeah, maybe.

In my head, I was like, I will never do that.

And it literally wasn't until last week, I got down in my quiet time and the devotional came into my mind.

And I I felt God be like, It's time.

You know, this is like another area of shame that I like, I can't live with shame anymore about anything.

I don't want to.

Like, this is who I am.

It's who I've been.

It's what I've struggled with.

And I'm running towards Jesus.

And there's a lot has happened along the way, you know, and it's like, so yeah.

So proud.

Can you, um, will you walk me through

you, just your journey now with it all, with

eating disorder, with it all, the struggles?

Yeah.

Thank you for asking.

I think like after I,

so like, right, I beat the bulimia.

Jesus beat the bulimia.

I just stopped one day.

It feels like supernatural deliverance because my mind never went there again.

Ever, ever.

It's like crossed my mind, like,

just as a thought, but never a temptation.

I've never, I used to feel a gravitational pull towards the bathroom if I felt full.

Like I'd feel my body doing something that my mind wasn't even allowing.

I've never felt that pull since April of last year, whenever it was.

Not one time have I felt that pull.

Not one time have I, I came out of agreement with it.

That's what it is.

It's agreement.

Like it's a spiritual agreement that takes place.

I was in agreement with bulimia.

I was in agreement with alcohol.

And then God comes and he breaks it through a year year of prayer and fasting.

Yeah.

I talked to Stephanie at one point.

She, um,

because she's open, she's dealt with stuff like that.

And so I talked to her about it.

I did talk to a couple of people who stopped tiding.

And I, but it needed to be someone who understood.

And so probably right with, I, I, maybe in my mind, I felt like you would have, even though I know you would have understood and I should have told you and I would have been freer a lot sooner.

Please tell somebody, tell somebody the biggest mistake I made was trying to do it alone.

And right, we did it.

Jesus did it.

It would have happened a lot sooner had I let someone in.

Had I let my best friend in the world who's the closest person to me, had I let her in, I wouldn't have been able to get away with it.

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And if you don't like it, you can return your jolie for a full refund within 60 days no questions asked my mind body connection has gone a lot better now it's just like now it's just control so

i am gonna see uh like an eating disorder specialist because now i've just realized there's a lot of shame attached to food now i stay away from it completely because of what i've been through

um because you stay away from food like i stay away from you know my control i stay away from bad food.

I stay away from, I have safe foods.

Like I have all those things that I've talked about in the past.

Now it's time for, like, Jesus is healing me.

Yeah.

And he's going to heal me through deep inner work, through counseling.

I talked to a specialist and she was like, I explained to her everything.

And she believes that there are like key moments in childhood where that like everything is wrapped up in.

That like if we could pinpoint those moments, talk through them, invite Jesus in, that they would like unravel like a knot being untied.

Wow.

Because that's where everything begins.

So I say all this to say, I let you into my journaling of the way I fought with Jesus, begged him, and I encourage you guys to fight with Jesus, whatever you're battling, whether it's bulimia or whatever.

I would,

I'm not saying I did it perfectly by any means, but just like the real raw desperation of begging Jesus to help you, coming out of agreement, saying, I've fallen once again, but I'm coming directly to you, and understanding that just because you don't get free right away does not mean you won't ever be free.

I literally wrote, Jesus, could it be that somebody actually does recover from this?

I never saw a world, and even right now, I say to him, Jesus, is there a world in which I don't have control over food?

I don't see that yet, but I'm believing for it because I have history with him, you know, and not sitting in the shame.

That's that's that's the worst.

Can you just talk about that for a minute?

How being open about shame has freed your heart.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What happened with that past and shame episode, like all of that stuff that happened,

the darkest, probably worst time of my entire life, I can't even begin to explain what that was like,

was the best thing that's ever happened to me.

How?

How?

How can it be that Genesis 50, 20 really is

as true as it is, that whatever the enemy meant for evil, God will use for good?

It opened me up to a world that he, I, I went so long saying, I don't have shame.

I have shame about everything.

I have a shame.

I have shame in every area.

That's the root of all of my issues.

Everything is, is, everything literally comes down to shame.

And this was something that it was finally like,

it was just time.

It was just time to be like, I'm, first of all, everybody goes through things.

Everybody's dealing with something that's as embarrassing for me as bulimia was.

You know what I mean?

And

yeah, it was just, so sitting in the shame, coming to Jesus every single time and saying, I'm not going to resort to hiding and shame.

I'm coming directly to you.

and just fighting and praying and begging him and

but believing in faith like you're already doing it pray like this you're already doing it i'm already free and it's not a bad thing if you go back it doesn't mean that all the progress is gone it doesn't mean that you weren't healed to begin with it just is the natural flow of the christian walk is that we all fall short of the glory of god

but he is good and he's faithful and yeah and i'll just say it one more time one of the most courageous things you did in this walk was say you know what i'm not keeping this in the dark anymore And you started to tell people you could trust.

And then through that, you know what happened?

The person that she opened up to said, you know what's crazy?

I dealt with that too.

And how less alone did you feel?

You felt like you could probably breathe.

Like, wow, this person that I look up to actually battles with this too.

It's so crazy.

You had no idea of this, right?

Yeah.

It's crazy.

Thanks for listening.

I

this was so beautiful.

I was, I, I've been patiently waiting for you to be like, I'm ready.

She's been really patient.

Ari's been a rider in being like, Ange,

it's okay whenever the time is ripe, but I think you should do it.

You've been such a good encourager of just, but you, right, you do this so well.

You're just like, here I am.

Here I am.

And like, it's, I've learned so much from you in this area.

So much.

You've taught me so much about being open and about being honest and about being like, it doesn't make you less of a person that you struggle.

Yeah.

It doesn't make you less of a woman of God that you struggle.

You don't have to be perfect.

Like you don't have to, you've taught me so much.

Thank you.

You taught me so much through this episode.

You know, you taught me so much

reading your journal.

It sounded a lot like me.

Because

I oftentimes feel like I'm just like,

like, I I feel like I was reading my own words.

I'm sure so many of you guys do too, but just having you be like, are you mad at me?

Like, are you going to take your hand off me?

Like, how many times do we do that?

Yeah.

When we're just like not,

I don't know.

When you're just struggling.

When you're struggling, you just feel like, God, I'm going to be condemned for this one.

Yeah.

And I just read in that the whole time, I was just like, he loves you so much.

So it just kind of like helped me in that moment be like, he loves me so much.

Like we do things, you know yeah well because he's like he hates sin and he doesn't tolerate sin but he has more compassion than anything like he has more compassion in his heart for us than he has hatred for sin like he understands why we go through the things we go through that's not an allowance to keep doing it But he wasn't ever allowing me to keep doing what I was doing, but he was in it.

He was right there.

He was, he, he knows, even if I don't know where it came from, even if I don't know who said something to me when I was younger, who shamed me about food, who even comforted me with food.

That's another thing about like binge eating, bulimia, eating disorders is that like even comforting children with food.

It's just like food is like a beautiful necessity, basic need of life.

And there actually shouldn't be like negative emotion ever attached to it.

You know what I mean?

To comfort a child.

I just feel like probably someone said something about my body, about how much I was eating.

Yeah, there's just so many things.

And

it's a sickness.

It is a sickness and an addiction.

It's a sickness.

It's like you weren't doing anything bad.

You were literally, it was a sickness.

Yeah.

I wanted to say one more thing.

Can I ask you one more thing?

I don't know if this is too personal, but

I'm interested in this.

Yeah.

What do you think about struggling with food addiction and fasting?

Yeah.

Really good question.

I've had,

I've thought about this a lot.

I think you have to be really mature in your faith and mature emotionally and very aware

because I would be lying if I said there weren't haven't been times in my life that I spent the weekend eating a good amount and then saying, I'm going to go on a fast for Jesus.

Or getting on a scale after a two-day fast

that was meant to be just spiritual.

I'm very aware of, and that's like, that's like spiritual manipulation.

And it's like almost spiritual abuse in a sense, because

I take that really seriously.

And I'm not saying that I haven't gotten it wrong.

Of course, I have.

And God convicts my heart very, very, very heavily because

it's just like, I have like fear of God in me where I'm just like, that scares me to say I'm doing something for God, but I'm actually doing it because I want to get thin.

So just like being aware and like having so much reverence and so much fear and like being really honest with yourself.

So

Lisa Bevere, she, she struggled with bulimia as well.

And she has a quote where she's like, God,

told me the difference between dieting and fasting.

Dieting changes the way you look fasting changes the way you see

and so for my situation i think someone who deals with

i'm i'm careful because i don't i haven't studied this in depth and so right i'm going based off what i believe

i i think i know but i feel like when you are

starving yourself and when you're anorexic, I imagine fasting is not helpful.

I imagine it's not wise.

I think in my position, because I was dealing with like a gluttonous spirit, because I would oftentimes overeat,

I,

I, my flesh, I needed to starve my flesh.

I needed to be full of Jesus.

I needed to be fed by Jesus so that the gluttony would go, so that I wouldn't, because there was so much like noise around food in my head that I needed to starve.

I needed it to starve so my flesh would starve, so Jesus would have priority in my mind.

Do you know what I mean?

After that day you fasted, was that done?

So I fasted a lot over a year.

Like I fasted once a week, actually, with the intention of

not overeating, not binging, and not purging.

Okay.

So that's why, but yeah, you need wisdom.

You need to be careful.

I even, yeah, it's, I want everybody to use wisdom and I want you to be plugged into a local church where you have a pastor and somebody to talk to who knows you, who knows how you work, who knows your, because I've made a lot of mistakes in my journey.

I've, I've done things that I look back and I'm like, that wasn't the wisest thing to do.

So, and we're all different, and what works for me might not work for you.

Um, this is just my journey.

This is what happened for me: is that I needed

something needed, it needed to starve out of me, the fleshy obsession around food.

Um,

yeah, and I would just suggest to anybody, what was your other question?

I was just going to ask you what tools you use.

Can you give us some tools on, I don't know, for instance, if you go to dinner and like you're the obsessive compulsive starts and you're beating yourself up because the shame hits because that's what the, you know, it's just this journey.

Can you give us some tools on what, how you overcome that?

Yeah.

How you deal with that?

Yeah.

What can somebody do when they

know?

Yeah.

It's such a, it's it's such an emotional and spiritual thing.

I think the best thing to do, what I do, and there's no right answer that like miraculously takes away

these.

I mean, yes, Jesus miraculous.

Anyways,

it's not like

a perfect remedy that causes you to not go through that.

Like I still go through that.

Sometimes I'm really fine.

I'm actually surprised at my own breakthrough.

Like this weekend, I good and I really, I had moments, but I was like not,

it's like it's intimacy with Jesus.

Like it's literally like you find it in the secret place before you ever go out to dinner.

You get fed, you get filled.

Jesus renews your mind.

There are thought patterns that need to break and change.

You read the word.

All the things that we already tell you guys to do, you start with that first.

You spend time with Jesus and like

every time I eat.

for the most part, like saying grace for me isn't just like praying a prayer.

It's like a conscious thing of like, hey, you and I are about to have a meal together and I need you to bless this food in my body.

And I need to have like a right perspective on this meal.

I always pray before meals.

I always pray before eating something.

And then if I either ate too much or my mind is tricking me thinking I ate too much when really I just had a little piece of chicken.

I just pray.

I invite Jesus in.

And sometimes I forget to pray.

And sometimes I don't want to bother him with that prayer.

And it makes me so mad.

Over the weekend, I had a moment that was hard.

I went into the bathroom and i had a moment where i was like hey

i'm just i'm overthinking i'm not feeling that good about it i'm not feeling that good in my body right now we just speak i need truth speak truth and that's what i consistently asked jesus to do specifically to speak truth because the enemy is lying he's lying your body's lying your eyes are lying and you need the god the truth of god and so and he speaks he does he'll change your thoughts and

it is a journey that you go on and you just keep inviting him.

Like we read in this journal, you continue to invite him.

And the temptation is not to include him for some reason.

You do something wrong.

You're not feeling good.

Why is it that we don't include the one person who can fix the problem?

I don't know.

So, and I also talk to people now.

You do.

I was going to say that.

I think that's what's so great.

And that's why you're healing as fast as you are.

There's been many times where you've been like, R,

can you talk to me for a second?

And it's always like, it's literally just

like looking at myself sometimes, but you know, and you just find people that you trust that love you, that's not going to judge you, that can be like, Let's talk this through.

Yeah, okay, so we'll listen to what we ate.

Like, let's go through this.

She does it so welcome.

Let's talk about the facts.

I always talk about the facts.

Um, then she pulls down her pants.

We're gonna take this up,

And then I go,

so you do think I look good.

She falls down her feet on her pants.

It's so crazy.

But I put you through so much in this area.

I put you through so much.

I love it.

No, but

you've been so open.

We just talk things through.

And it's.

Hey, can you talk to me really quick?

Can you talk to me for a second?

So I ate this, and this one I'm thinking, what do you think about that?

Well, it has 310 calories, but if you break down the sugar,

but then Ari doesn't know if I'm being serious or not.

I don't.

So she'll like look at me a couple of times like, oh, okay.

We're being serious.

Okay, I'll help you.

Well, I have to be honest with you.

Like,

this is something I have to be so honest about.

There's some times where I am like,

I don't want to say I wish I had eating disorder.

I don't.

But when I tell you that going through such...

turmoil and like things like eating disorder or anxiety or obsessive convulsive thinking or heartbreak or grief is so good good because you can relate to others.

There's two things I can't relate to that it's like, it's foreign to me.

It's this and it's kids with people with

like people that talk to me about like problems with their children.

Like I, cause I don't have children.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But why would you, what were you going to do?

I was going, like, I have no idea.

Like being a mother, but

I know there's a major disconnect.

So at first when we were going through this, like

she thought I was like, I used to laugh.

I used to be like, Angela, you're fine.

It's because

I didn't know how serious it was.

I really have struggled with understanding eating disorder.

I, you know,

but it's been beautiful to walk through this with you.

It really has.

I'm so.

Yeah, I just think

it's been so hard for you, this journey of 10 years, but the way you can look at people and say, Me too, you're not alone.

I already know is this whole episode how many people you're freeing because people have lost their lives to this and they've they've battled this.

They don't even come out of their rooms.

I have a family member who

she's 80 and she's still battling.

So,

wow, wow, thank you for this because,

man, have you freed so many people today?

You're amazing.

You really are.

No, seriously.

Yeah.

Thank you, Jesus.

Well, yeah, this is

life.

This is life.

Yeah, it is.

We all go through a lot, and everybody's battling something, and you probably don't even know what they're battling.

Even the closest people to you could be battling something that they're too scared to tell you.

So I would even encourage people to start going around and telling even more of your deepest, darkest things that you struggle with because somebody will be like, oh my gosh, now I can finally tell the one thing that I'm struggling with.

You know, I think that's been one of the most beautiful things about Tor.

Yeah.

Is we're looking at these, there's people that come up to us and the stories they tell us, and we're just like, you've just really understood the silent battles people are going through.

We're all battling with someone.

That's why it's so important being silent.

Did I say something?

Yeah, that too.

But

you're always battling something.

So you just

really,

it really just knocks something in you to be like, every time I want to have an attitude or flip someone off on the road, maybe I should look at them and be like, maybe they're going through something really heavy.

Yeah.

So what are you going through?

I'm just kidding.

Thank you for that.

I love you.

Guys, we love you.

My nail.

My nail.

I ripped my nail off in the middle of her telling the story.

Is that your real nail?

Yeah.

You're so lucky.

Will you give them the blessing?

Sure.

It's your thing.

No.

We love you guys so much.

We love you guys so much.

We hope that today, with Ange being as open and vulnerable as she was today, that it would give you the courage to be open and vulnerable and open up and share your story because you will be a seed of faith like Angela today to someone to make them feel feel less alone, to help them be like, you know what?

I'm going to beat this too.

You went through this and now I'm going to go through this, but I'm going to beat it too.

So I just hope that you guys will go out there.

I just, so many girls that,

not even girls, just people at our tour, we just look out and we just see equipped.

Like, you guys are so equipped for this.

Like you, you might not be on a podcast, but you are equipped.

You're equipped to tell your pain, your story, and to help others because that's what Jesus called you to do.

We tell our testimonies to help the lives of others and that's what life is all about.

It starts there to help his people.

So thank you, Angela.

We love you so much.

Thank you, Angie.

I don't call it Angela.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

May his face shine upon you and may he give you peace, a peace that surpasses all understanding to know that whatever you're going through, he is going to heal you and redeem you.

and it will be your greatest testimony and the thing you will have victory over.

Thank you, Jesus.

I receive that.

Do you want to pray for people with eating disorders real quick?

Yeah, should we?

I don't know why.

I feel like you should.

Actually, you know what?

I'll even read this prayer that I wrote in the devotional, and we can all read it together.

Just read this with us: Dear Jesus, I come before you with a mind clouded by the battle I face with my relationship with food and my body.

Lord, I acknowledge my weakness and my need for your strength and healing.

I ask for your divine intervention and the power of your love to set me free from this eating disorder and the unhealthy thoughts that plague me.

Jesus, you are the healer of all wounds, seen and unseen.

I ask you to heal the deep-rooted pain and insecurities that fuel this disorder.

Replace my distorted perceptions with your truth and help me to see myself as you see me, fearfully and wonderfully made.

Give me the grace to treat my body with respect and care, to nourish it in a way that honors you.

Grant me the wisdom to seek and accept the help I need, whether through counseling, support groups, or the loving encouragement of friends and family.

Surround me with people who will will uplift me and remind me of your love and promises.

In your holy and precious name, I pray.

Amen.

Beautiful.

We love you guys.

Guys, thank you for just letting me have this really beautiful, safe space to do this.

Thank you for being the greatest family.

I can't even imagine a world that I would come on here and do this.

And it's literally because of you guys.

It's literally because you guys give us this space and you allow us to come and have these conversations.

And I just love you so much.

And I want to see see you free.

And I want you to know that there is actually hope.

If you're someone thinking, does anyone ever actually get free from this?

You have somebody sitting right in front of you who never could have imagined being free from the claws of hell.

Like literally, I'm not even over-spiritualizing it.

It is the most demonic thing.

And I was set free.

And I want you to get a journal and I want you to write your thoughts out.

Sometimes when you speak out loud, I'm realizing it doesn't, journaling is really, really important.

Journal your heart out.

Speak to God directly.

It doesn't need to be beautiful.

It doesn't need to sound like anything special.

You say, why, God?

How, God?

What's going on, God?

Like, that's what he desires from you.

So we love you.

Thank you guys.

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