Dating Do’s & Dont’s | Girls Gone Bible

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I was at church and I was was talking to this guy and he was like, I loved when you guys did episodes on

like do's and don'ts for men and even women because he was like, it, it helped me so much know like what I should do.

I think he, you had said one time, um, don't call a girl after 10.

And he's like, and I actually like made notes of it.

And it's so good to hear from a girl's perspective.

And I was like, that's so neat to hear because we don't know this stuff.

Like, it's so nice to hear that a guy actually took the advice.

That is so sweet.

Yeah.

And I actually like to hear from men's perspectives when I watch.

I'm like, what a, what a men, you know, what, what is a green flag for men and women?

So

I was like, we should do an episode where we go through these things because I think it can help men and even us when we hear, because we did a poll and we asked men and women, what are the green flags and red flags?

So,

yeah, it's not to judge or put people down, but to just simply say, like, really, how we feel, like, what really doesn't sit well with us, what we love.

And so, yeah, I think it's-I love that.

Yeah.

Thank you.

No, that's so good.

You're so right.

Like, it's not about judging.

It's not about putting anybody down.

It's simply about talking about genuinely the weaknesses of people in Christian dating.

I think

even more than personal experience, I have so many friends obviously who are Christian, who are in church, who grew up in church, and

I would love if churches did like dating etiquette classes.

I've said this so many times because

oftentimes men struggle to pursue and women don't know how to be pursued.

And there's just a lot of clashing and just like weird stuff.

And I feel like we should come on here today and just talk about things that we've seen.

And it's not to put anyone down, but it's genuinely to be like, hey, this doesn't work.

This doesn't work.

And this does work.

Even as a single woman,

I'll have moments where I'll be like, do they not know that this is such a like turn off?

Like, I don't even know if men know that this is like actually, like, don't do that.

Totally.

Yeah.

And for girls, I just think that there's so many things that we can do

to make us,

right?

It's all about becoming the person that you want to be with rather than even looking for the person you want to be with.

Like we have to become someone who can be pursued as women.

Men need to become someone who are capable of pursuing.

Like it's more about ourselves even than the other person.

It is.

That's why singleness is so important.

It only happens in your singleness.

So don't stress out if you're single right now.

Yeah, please don't stress out.

This is such a a good time to learn, to spend time with Jesus, to get close to Jesus.

And honestly, learn from other people's dating.

Like learn from your friends.

Learn from, you see your friend go on a date and you see her texting a guy and you see like, oh, something isn't completely right here.

Like learn from that stuff.

Do you want to go first, Aura?

I'll just start with a green flag.

A man that prays over you for when you're struggling.

I always say that when

like one of the things on my list is like, I want someone to be able to pray for me when I'm struggling because

it's there's so many moments where I can't open my Bible, where I can't pray for myself because I'm just going through so much.

And it's so nice to be able to call my friends and have them do that.

But I can't imagine if I'm married and are in a relationship and I can have my person do that for me because we're going to go through so much in life with deaths and grief and loss, just so many losses and sicknesses or whatever life throws at us.

And to have someone to be able to pray for you,

to just hold you in those moments and speak truth over you and life and Jesus

is

so crucial.

It is so crucial.

And it will make you fall in love like nothing else.

Knowing that a guy is praying for you will build so much intimacy, so much trust,

so much,

yeah, just like good connection.

I don't think when you are first dating, this might be another red flag, but when you're first dating, it's not a good idea to be praying with your girlfriend or boyfriend every single day.

There should be spiritual boundaries just like there are physical boundaries.

You shouldn't be praying together like you're married when you're not.

John waited about probably six months before he even read the Bible with me.

And I didn't understand it and I didn't like it.

And I was confused by it.

And now I look back and I'm like, thank you, Jesus, that he knew.

What it meant to like lead well.

And part of that meant that we were not going to cross spiritual boundaries and create a soul tie ultimately before the time, like

before something like that is necessary.

And even now,

we don't

seek God together as if we're married.

Yeah.

You know?

However,

he's been praying for me since the day we met.

And I can't tell you what it feels as a girl to know my man is praying for me and caring for me and thinking about me.

And it's just like the sweetest thing in the world.

So I love that green flag so much and be the type of girlfriend um or the type of boyfriend that prays for your person and you and spend a lot of time praying for their well-being apart from you just them as an individual like seek god for them in the sense that like you can pray and ask God to give you insight into their life and their gifting and then you can pray that over them and like speak life into them.

So if you like seek God about somebody, I can say, Lord, like show me what you see in them.

And then God might show me that this person is XYZ.

And then I can go to that person and like prophetically speak into their lives and be like, you are a leader and you are wise and you're this and you're that.

And like, this is who God says you are.

You know, it just like, it's the most beautiful thing to have intimacy like that.

I started praying for.

My future husband.

That's key.

I just started praying for his heart.

That's and it also

it literally makes me smile now.

Like, I'm just like, it gives you, it just, my heart is so filled with hope now that I've started doing that.

And she said, where do you think your husband is right now when we were driving here?

I said, yeah, where is he?

Where is he?

Where does he work?

What's he look like?

He was so cute.

That's so, yeah.

I'm, if you're, that is such a good point.

If you're struggling with singleness right now and you are so sad, so discouraged, and so just beaten down about it, thinking that your man doesn't exist and he'll never show up.

Start praying for him as if he already exists because he does or she does and

pray for them as if they already exist and your heart is going to start responding and your mind is going to start becoming encouraged because you're praying for a person who really does exist instead of like settling

into the lie that they're just nowhere and they don't exist and God doesn't have anybody for you.

I'm sure it like completely changes your perspective.

Yeah, I noticed myself cracking a little smile in my prayer time.

That's really cute.

I asked a couple of friends that I know.

One thing that I heard, and I think this is definitely really a weakness in Christian dating, is just the over-spiritualization of relationships.

I think there's a lot of debating and conversation around the one.

Like, does God have one person for you?

And, like, if you don't meet them, then you never meet your one.

Or if you mess it up, then they're gone forever.

Like, do you, is there the one?

And I don't think that's true.

I think the only one is the one that you enter into covenant with.

That's the one.

But the one isn't decided until you decide.

Like, I think a lot of people, what I've seen is there's so much fear around dating because everyone's like, I don't want to date this person unless they're my husband or unless they're my wife.

And I feel like god is sovereign and you have free will yeah you choose god doesn't have this one person for you and if you don't get it right you there's no god honors covenant he honors marriage if god is not in a relationship that's another thing but god isn't just like

you're allowed to date right you're allowed to um yeah go on dates yeah and it doesn't have to be your husband you could be dating for for someone for, I'm not saying to waste your time, but you could be dating someone for six months and then ultimately not be your husband or wife.

And that's okay.

If God is like showing you signs and it's becoming evident and you're discerning that you're not meant to be in this relationship, because God doesn't want you to waste your time, then that's another thing.

But God also might have lessons for you to learn within a relationship that doesn't end up being your spouse.

So I just think you have to be careful to make things too intense in dating and say, now, if you're like six months to a year in, I think then it's a little bit more urgent and you're not like, I don't know, he might be, no, then you really start thinking, discerning, praying.

But for the first few months, you're just seeing if you like the person, you're seeing if you guys get along.

And you really don't know that until a little longer down the road.

So to base your dating on whether God has confirmed this is your spouse or not before you've even gone on a third date, I think is pretty toxic.

Do you agree?

Yeah, and I was just going to say, too, I love what you said.

I think you said lessons because

everyone that I was with led me to the person who I am today.

And I don't regret anyone.

And I've been in some pretty...

weird situations like for years, but

it led me to where I am today.

It led me to the woman that I have become.

And I don't regret anything.

And so it's never wasted time.

It's never the wrong person.

Every relationship that you enter, truly, it leads you into the woman or man that you will become.

Exactly.

Whether it's right or wrong.

So don't dwell and think that you've wasted all this time.

I think God does.

Give you signs to get out at a certain time.

And sometimes we can stay too long.

But he always has a way of working it all together.

I was getting to know someone, but I was at one point I was getting to know someone, a guy.

We were talking for a few weeks, like a month.

And this person is obviously not my person.

And

at the end of the little time that we were talking, God made it very clear.

It was so obvious to me, like, I'm not meant to be in a relationship with this person, whatever.

But this guy came at the perfect time.

He was a believer who kind of solidified my purity journey because I started pursuing purity before meeting him.

But then thank God the next guy that I met was like strong in purity and was able to be like, yeah, this, you know, it kind of just solidified something for me.

And God uses people.

I know, he does.

He uses people.

That same guy also is the reason why I stopped cussing.

I know.

You know what I mean?

Exactly.

So goosebumps.

Yeah.

Yeah.

God uses people more than he drop.

I don't know.

Maybe that's not true for some people, but for me, at least, like

God will drop revelation in my heart from time to time.

But more often than not, he uses people to convict me, to show me, to confront me.

Like, that's what he does.

So, yeah, I'm just, we're here to say, go on some dates, guard your heart.

Be wise.

Don't go into just like the

you should be looking at the person you're dating and yes, evaluating is this a person I would want to marry based on what I can see now?

Because at the beginning of a relationship, you don't really see

everything, obviously.

But you look at them and definitely say, is this person marriage material?

And do they exhibit like the characteristics of Jesus?

However, don't date hoping that they're your spouse.

Right, right.

Just get rid of the

pressure.

If I've learned anything in the Christian community and it's weird because the world devalues marriage, doesn't value it whatsoever.

Nobody in the world wants to get married.

I never thought about getting married until I became like a devout Christian.

But so I'm in the world.

Nobody cares about marriage.

But then you become a Christian and it's and marriage is everything.

It's so important.

It's amazing.

It's like the most beautiful.

reflection of our relationship with Jesus.

It's really important,

but it's also not the end-all-be-all.

And there's just so much shame that comes around marriage in the Christian community because everybody makes it.

I don't know.

It's just, it's too intense.

You just got to get to know somebody and see if you're compatible.

And then down the road, you can decide whether they're the person you're meant to marry or not.

I know.

Yeah, I love that.

And just.

I love that you say just go on dates because

we're like, you should be so proud of yourself if you really put yourself out there and say, I don't know if this is going to be my husband.

I don't know if this is going to be my wife, but I'm going to just take the move and go and do it and try it.

Yeah.

I need to take that advice.

Yeah, I was about to say, you better start on TV.

I'm like, she hasn't been on date in a long time.

I'm like listening to you and I'm like,

yeah.

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just be careful about fantasizing just take your thoughts captive just like protect your mind i I think fantasizing is can be really detrimental to us because we create narratives around people that don't exist yet.

And I think what I see a lot is specifically for women, but guys go through this too: where you're talking to a guy, or you meet a guy, or you went on a date with a guy, and you start to fantasize and have an imagination of where it could go or where it's going.

You're already walking down the aisle in your mind, and it's just not good for you.

It's just not good to fantasize too much.

We have to kind of like stay grounded in reality and just have a really calm heart and a level head and be like, I'm not going to go too far in my own head about this.

And the way you do that is submitting your thoughts to Jesus and being aware of your mind and being like, okay, I'm taking this too far.

I've made the, when you're talking to a guy and you realize, oh my gosh, I can't stop thinking about this person.

We're texting and I'm over analyzing everything they're saying.

I'm overanalyzing everything I'm saying and I'm looking too deep into it.

You've just made it a bigger thing in your mind than it needs to be.

And in those moments, you have to take thoughts captive like any other situation.

Just don't let your mind go too much.

You just got to like stay grounded, stay calm.

And one more thing, if I can just say this, when you're dating, just remember that you're not just waiting to be picked.

You're not just hoping that they like you.

Let's see if you like them.

Let's see if you're going to choose them.

My gosh, we go into dating and your self-worth, like low self-worth, just gets brought to the surface, and you're sitting hoping that you get picked.

When really, you should be looking and evaluating, not in a judgmental way, but being like, is this the person?

That's the mentality you need to have.

Yeah, is this the person for me?

For me,

not just like, please, I hope that they pick me.

Do not put them on a pedestal.

Yeah.

Do not make idols out of them.

Right.

It should be about you.

That's, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Go ahead.

Yep.

No, I love that you say that because so many people do that.

Oh my gosh.

Is does he like me?

And is he gonna?

No, do not do that.

Yeah.

Do not do that.

Do not put anybody on a pedestal.

Are they good enough for you?

Are they fit for you?

Right, right.

It's it's so funny.

We should all be looking for compatibility and like seeing if you're genuinely compatible with the other person and that way like you might still get hurt but at least it won't destroy your self-worth when it doesn't work out with somebody because if you're not compatible I feel like so often if we're not compatible with someone we internalize it and think like it's us when really

You're just incompatible and it's not the person for you.

And yeah, we just internalize everything and make everything our fault and they didn't like me or and it's just like it's not even that deep.

You can be have the best personality that whatever you can be everyone's dream and you can just not be compatible with that person and that has nothing to do with you compatibility is everything it is everything I there has been so many amazing guys that I've met but I just didn't feel compatible with them you know and it had nothing to do with them it just I wasn't compatible it wasn't a right fit exactly and that's okay it has nothing to do with you so you don't have to beat yourself up

just don't let your self-worth get brought into the mix of dating.

Yeah.

That's why being firm in your identity in Jesus is everything.

Getting your self-worth from Jesus, spending a lot of time with Jesus, reading the word, and like doing all the work that you need to do emotionally and spiritually to get to a place where your own self-worth, and by the way, this is really hard to do.

So just know, it's just something to be aware of and work at.

It's taking me three years.

Yeah, and just know it's never going to be perfect.

It's a journey.

It's a journey.

And it's like an active fight of the temptation.

Even today, I still have to actively fight the temptation to place my worth in someone else's hands.

So it's like an everyday thing.

You just, you have to be aware of it and realize when you're doing it and stop it quickly.

Someone said a green flag is someone who is generous with their time, energy, and finances.

Oh,

yeah.

Go.

No, no, you.

That's like one of the top things also that I look at is someone who is really good with their finances.

When I see someone blowing their money and being showy and they don't know how to save, that's an indication that I don't know, I cannot trust you as a husband, a father.

I really, that's, I look at somebody who's like really good and smart with their finances and saving.

Just responsible.

Yeah, just a responsible guy.

Like I love a good, responsible guy who knows how to, who knows how to, like, save their money.

Yeah.

I

love someone who is, I mean, I feel, and Ari has this too.

Ari and I both have a call.

to generosity on our lives and every single one of us do too.

You guys do too.

God calls us to be wildly generous.

They call, God calls, they they use God's thing.

God calls us to

give sacrificially and put other people before ourselves.

And yeah, I like,

I

love a man and a person who feels called to generosity, who wants to give, who sees somebody in need and wants to give.

I mean, my dream is to be in a marriage

and be with someone where we're like plotting like who we're going to give money to and where we're going to be generous and like see someone in need and be like, let's pay off this person's bills if we're able to and like that's the dream and so that's like such a beautiful thing to aspire to have in a relationship such a green flag of someone who yeah wants to give and wants to be generous and wants to do what they can for other people because imagine you're in a marriage with someone who wants to be that generous and like all you're doing is pushing the kingdom forward and your marriage is like just so glorifying Jesus because you guys are being so generous together.

That's so cool.

I think generosity is probably

the top of the top.

You know?

Yeah.

Like a man, even a woman, let's talk about women too, that's generous, that has their hands like this, that helps like sacrificially.

I mean, it doesn't get any better than that.

That's how you know if you're a true follower of Christ, if you aren't like this with your hands with money.

I, I always know if someone's like like really following if they're have their hands like this

and helping.

And

I'm like picturing my guy like walking and he sees a woman in need and he just bends down and says, here, how can I help you?

Like that's the dream, right?

To find someone.

If you guys, man, if you want to know like what a woman really loves, it's like helping that woman on the street or giving to the church, helping children.

I mean, come on, that's how beautiful is that?

Yeah.

How beautiful is that?

Jerry said something.

John's mom said this.

The biggest green flag I've ever seen was something that Mark did for me that I believe you would have to do to be so commit that I believe you would have to be so committed to Christ to even do.

When we were first married, Mark did not treat me like I deserve to be treated, but he treated me the way God would want him to treat me, totally selfless like Christ would treat the church.

He modeled unconditional love for me, and I began to change to become more like him.

So beautiful.

Isn't that crazy?

Someone who's just so unbelievably selfish and loves you so unconditionally and genuinely loves you not how you deserve, but how Jesus would want you to love them.

This is, I think, what I'm learning so much in my own life: of like

learning the love of Jesus

means that you you love people not how you feel about them, but how Jesus loves them.

It's the hardest thing you can ever

do in every moment to choose to love someone, not how they deserve.

And that means any bit of justice has to go out of the window.

I'm a justice type of person where I'm just like, I want everyone to have justice.

I want things to be right.

I want things to be this, that.

And to live like Jesus, you have have to throw that out the window and say,

this person might deserve X, but I'm going to give them Y because Jesus.

Just like we deserve death, but because Jesus paid the penalty, we receive life through Jesus.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, it's a reflection of how Jesus treats us and loves us.

Jesus doesn't love us based on how we deserve to be loved because if that was the case, we are all unfaithful, disloyal.

disloyal we've betrayed him we've rejected him we have done so wrong in god's eyes however because jesus paid the penalty for our sins and covered all of our sins god looks at us with complete unconditional love in his eyes we don't deserve the love that he gives us so we have to reflect that same love when you're looking at someone your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your spouse, your friend, your family member.

You have to love them not based even on how they've treated you, even if they've treated you badly.

It sounds crazy.

And you should pray that God would give you a situation like this in your life where you have to love them the way that Jesus wants you to love them rather than based on what how they've treated you.

Pray for that.

God will send someone into your life that forces you to do that.

The only way you can become like Jesus is if he sends us challenges that produce those things in us.

So yeah, we are meant to love people

unconditionally.

And one of the prayers that you and I do

is, and it's something that I love to say is give me the eyes that you have to look at them like you look at them.

Yeah.

And so, and it really does, like it really does kind of change things, right?

Yeah.

Because we think about how much we mess up and how much Jesus just takes us back, he forgives us, forgives us.

And so, yeah, I like to remind myself of that because I'm like, you forgive them.

Why am I held in a grudge?

Oh, you know.

Oh, it's so,

I've been so convicted of unforgiveness and knowing that you have to like truly repent of unforgiveness.

Unforgiveness will make you completely sick mentally, physically, emotionally.

You have to forgive.

Oh, yeah.

And it's a supernatural work that takes place in your heart.

And it's a beautiful work because I'll tell you, when I got into a little fight with my mom the other day, and

I

was a little bit nasty to her, honestly.

Like, I got so angry at what she said.

And so, I'm sorry, mom, telling her, telling everyone our business.

That's okay.

She's fine.

And so she's amazing.

She goes in care.

She goes, what'd you say?

I'm on Birdie's team.

I love her.

I love her.

And so

I text her, you know, when you text in a rage moment and you're not thinking.

And then I slam my phone down and then I go into prayer

and I couldn't even think straight.

Oh, that, and I'm like,

okay.

And immediately I go to my phone and I just say, I just, I'm so sorry for the way I just spoke to you.

I'm in prayer right now.

And I apologize.

You didn't deserve to be spoken to like that.

And then I just had a moment of like being like,

how beautiful is this?

That you can't even get away with being disrespectful.

That looking like Jesus means forgiving immediately.

I couldn't even go five minutes with the way I spoke without having to text her right away.

And I just had one of those moments where I was like, this is so

following Jesus.

What a beautiful thing.

So challenging, so hard, but wow, like this is so beautiful because if this was three years ago, like I would have went, I don't know, a month.

Yeah.

And like this unforgiveness, hard and heart and then nightfall, never getting true resolve.

Just like, yeah.

And then you go months without talking to them.

Yeah.

So it's, it's so beautiful.

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I have spent, and I'm sure you have too, Angela like, so much money on skincare and hair products over the years.

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I know, mom, frizz, even breakouts.

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Okay, listen to this.

Wanting to split 50-50.

Lord, give us wisdom to talk about this.

You go.

I don't know, you go.

Um,

listen.

We, Ari and I, I think, okay, and then we just want to address: if you've been here from the beginning, I love you so much.

Um, Ari and I used to get real fired up

in the beginning in our relationships episodes.

And we just like, we always just want to be kind and we want to be sensitive and like be aware that everybody's situation is different, everybody's life is different.

And

with that being said,

I still don't believe that splitting bills 50-50 is okay in a dating situation.

You're taking girls on dates.

Now, I think when you are in a relationship and you are now, you're still courting and pursuing, but it's kind of different.

There's more commitment.

Now, your lives are a little bit more integrated.

There's exclusivity and like definitely deeper intimacy between you.

I think then, of course, if you are in a bad situation, men, or a tough situation financially, and like you don't have the money to be taking a girl out on dates and all those things, like that's completely understandable.

And that's a conversation that is worth having with the girl that you're dating

and just being so upfront and honest and being like, I want to do these things for you.

I just don't have the means to do it right now.

However, in those beginning stages of dating

where you are pursuing a girl, you're courting a girl, even if you don't know yet if you like the girl, but you are test, like you guys are testing it out, hanging out.

I believe that whatever your capability in taking a girl out is, like you should be taking her out to dates that you can cover the date.

And if you literally have no money to cover a date, then I think you can use your imagination and come up with a beautiful date that doesn't cost any money.

But if you are taking a girl out and you're courting a girl,

please don't ask her to pay half of the bill.

Please don't ask her to split it.

I think it's just gentlemanly manners.

I think we need to get back to just the foundation of masculinity.

And I think an aspect of that is being a provider.

Especially when you're courting a girl,

it's like showing a girl how you value her and how much you value yourself, honestly, because it is a direct reflection of yourself, how much respect you have for yourself.

What do you think?

You said it perfectly.

I do not believe in 50-50.

I do not believe in 50-50.

I think

as a strong man,

you know, we have our roles and a man is a provider.

Yeah.

And God bless Charlie Kirk's life and his soul, but he says it perfectly.

Watch some of his videos.

I love how he puts it.

Man, a provider.

And I know some people are struggling really bad, but it's still

what you're supposed to do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And there's like ways to go about things.

And I think at one point Ari and I were like, don't ask a girl to go to coffee.

Like take her out on a proper dinner.

And I used to think that too.

And now maybe I've changed my opinion a little bit.

I think it's okay to take a girl from church out to coffee and just get to know each other.

Maybe go on a walk if that's a little bit less pressure.

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that.

If you really like a girl and you're about to make a girl your girlfriend,

I think like a proper nice dinner, going somewhere,

sitting across from each other, picking her up and just like being a true gentleman.

You guys know what to do.

You guys are gentlemen.

You guys don't know how far that takes you.

Like actually planning the dates, pick you up at this time.

Yeah.

Making the reservation, not being wishy-washy, like actually taking the initiative to plan it, to book it, to say, I'll be here.

I will say that it is so attractive when the man picks a girl up.

Not meet me there, but I'll pick you up at this time.

Like I love when a guy is assertive and he takes initiative and he picks you up and he just courts you and he does things right.

He opens like these things are so rare nowadays.

So you don't understand how far it will take you if you do these little things.

Like I always notice when a guy opens my door.

I always will notice when he says, I'm going to book this place.

Like that is so incredibly attractive.

Yes, take the lead, guys.

Be a leader.

Okay.

Little texting etiquette.

You're asking a girl to hang out.

You're asking a girl.

you guys are talking and now you're making plans to hang out.

Do not leave her wondering what you're doing, what time you're doing it at, what day you're hanging out.

I'm not saying that you have to immediately make plans, but be assertive, be a leader, make the plan.

Let her know.

what's up, what time, where we're going.

Make the plan and don't leave space and leave her wondering.

Don't ask, what do you want to do?

It's the worst.

And there's nothing like

making a girl feel good.

That is how you make a girl feel safe and loved and like you care is when you make her,

you put effort in.

And like it doesn't have to be this grand old thing, but simply picking her up, simply making the plan, simply taking her to a dinner and just making her feel, that's how you make a girl feel good.

Take her out for an ice cream.

Yeah, take her out for an ice cream.

Don't ask,

do you want to hang out?

Say, I want to take you out.

When are you available?

When are you available?

Does Tuesday night work for you?

Okay.

Perfect.

Booking the place.

Yeah, making the plan.

Do not wait until, if you make plans earlier in the week, let's hang out Sunday.

And then you wait until Sunday morning to say, hey, let's hang out at five o'clock today.

It's that space that's just a little bit disrespectful.

It definitely raises flags, feels awkward, makes a girl feel devalued.

It's just not good.

Yeah, you don't want to make a girl wait around till the day of.

That's, I love that you say that because that is a red flag.

Yeah, yeah, you text her the night before, a couple nights before.

I can't wait to see you.

I'll be there tomorrow at this time.

And

this goes without saying, but I'm just going to say it.

Don't ask her to go for a drink at a bar.

Don't, look at how.

Don't ask her to go for a drink at a bar.

Don't ask her to go to the floor.

The biggest red flag.

It is the biggest red flag.

Don't ask her to go smoke some weed.

I don't know if anyone's doing that.

It's just not a good idea.

Like, seriously, guys.

Don't ask her to smoke weed.

I don't know.

You never know.

What are we doing?

Yeah.

I don't know.

No, it's just.

We have a broad, you know.

I mean, I'm going to be really honest with you, and I'm just going to say, I really don't like when a guy asks me to go for coffee.

You don't like when a guy asks you to go for coffee?

Like, I wouldn't like that.

Can I be honest?

You're a little bit, you're a woman, and you're- I wouldn't want that.

You're dating guy.

I guess I'm more so, you know, if a guy's 20 years old.

Oh, yeah, I know.

If you're younger, but I think.

Yes, if you are an established, listen to me, if you're 30, if you're a 30-year-old man,

you're taking her on.

You're taking her to dinner.

But you know what the people say.

Okay, boys.

But you know what people say.

They're like, but I want to know if I like them.

But you should have a couple conversations with them before you actually.

Yeah.

Like I've had some friends be like, well, I want to know if it's worth a dinner.

Well, have a couple conversations before you get ready and go meet someone.

And you'll know by the couple of conversations.

Like you mean over FaceTime or text?

FaceTime text.

Yeah.

On the phone.

I think you should talk on the phone a couple times before you meet up with someone.

Yeah.

I think that's important.

And then I think you'll know if you can go to dinner with someone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And to add on to that, you don't need to, um,

chemistry is really interesting.

I think chemistry, I think you might not even know until like four or five dates in if you actually like somebody.

It's interesting because people will go on one date and be like, I just didn't feel a spark.

Like I just didn't feel chemistry.

Sometimes you definitely know that that person's not for you.

And then sometimes, oftentimes, you need a first date.

Both people probably aren't being themselves.

They're both probably a little nervous.

It might be a little awkward.

Second date, a little better, third date, better.

By the fourth and fifth date, like then you actually kind of like see someone's personality.

And this isn't like every situation.

But I just think that like Xing someone out based off of the first date because you didn't have a spark yet, I don't think it's the right thing.

If this is a good person, a good man, or a a good woman who

loves Jesus and has the qualities that you like in a person, you're somewhat attracted to them because even attraction grows.

Oh, yeah.

You know, my older sister and her husband, who I look up to them because they have the, they're just like the best.

They hated each other.

They really did.

They hated each other at first.

It took them like five times.

Wow.

Yeah.

And they're inseparable for, I don't know, 10 years.

Inseparable.

They're best friends.

John and I

have the silliest relationship.

Like, John and I are ridiculous together.

We barely speak English when we're together because we just make sounds and like we're so weird.

Do you think the first five dates John and I were like getting like having the humor that we have now?

Right.

You know what I mean?

Right.

It actually, I liked him.

We had great conversation.

There were everything that I saw, I liked, but I didn't see everything based on the first five times that I saw him.

I didn't see everything.

And like when I look at my dating with John, it was so relaxed.

There was no pressure.

He or I never thought this person has to be my spouse.

We were just, we were chilling.

There was nothing weird.

However, I think I've told this story before.

John, maybe one day he can tell this story, but like, I always tell John he needs to teach a masterclass on how to pursue a girl because John was so chill

and also equally as in pursuit of me.

John made it very clear the third day that I knew him.

We hung out for three consecutive days when he came to LA to take me out.

On the third day, we were at lunch after going to church, and he said to me, I just want you to know I'm going to like, I like you and I want to pursue you and I'm going to continue pursuing you.

I plan on coming to LA again to spend time with you.

So literally, the first time I meet him, he like laid it out: I'm going to pursue you and potentially get into a relationship with you.

Like, these, this is where we're going.

This is what I feel.

I'm going to come back and see you.

And he wasn't weird.

He wasn't desperate.

He didn't.

He's so cool.

He was so chill.

Yeah.

He was.

He should teach him.

He teaches him.

I'm dying on the inside, but he was

teaching masterclass.

He really is chill.

He was so chill.

And so I think that there's a way to do both, to like openly pursue a girl without love bombing.

Love bombing.

Exactly.

I think it is so attractive when a man

pursues and approaches in a nice,

what's the word?

Like a just just a respectable way, not a love bomby, weird, pick up liney way.

But if you approach me in such a way, like to me, a man that's confident, it's everything.

So if I'm getting approached so respectfully and somebody is interested, I think that is the most, one of the most courageous and bold things that we really don't see that often.

Yeah.

And so I just will say as a woman that

I know how you feel.

I think it's so bold if you come in such a kind, respectful way

because it's really, you don't really see, guys aren't doing that anymore.

They're not approaching women.

They're not,

they're just not being bold.

I don't see a lot of boldness.

So we need more boldness.

We need more confidence and we need more just good, respectable men that say, you know what, I'm going to approach her.

I think it's a beautiful thing.

I love that.

That is so on point.

What do you think about, this is something that happens in church a lot

where, or in Christian dating, or maybe in the world too, but guys

will keep girls as friends,

even though they're like kind of pursuing them, but they don't make it obvious and

they don't say that they're pursuing them, but they're texting them all the time.

They're hanging out a lot, they hang out by themselves, they are pursuing them, but without the pressure of having to pursue them or the responsibility like actively pursuing them.

And so now girls are left wondering, what does it mean?

Does he like me?

Am I just his friend?

He acts like he likes me more, but then he also acts like I'm just his friend.

Can I be honest with you?

Absolutely.

In my grandmother's time, men were literally going to wars.

And my grandfather approached my grandmother and said, that's the one.

And he did the right thing and he married her.

And they had

50 years of a beautiful marriage and I just think all of this stuff of like I'm gonna keep her as a friend and I'm not ready and I'm gonna I just think it's so weak and that's the truth I think there is a attack of weakness and it's coming from the other kingdom I think the devil wants nothing more than to keep men small and weak and non-committal.

And I just think it's, I'm seeing it everywhere.

My friends are struggling with it.

I have the most incredible women with integrity, beautiful, are going to be the greatest wives.

And we are all struggling to find good men.

I think that

I think it's the games and the friends and the, it's just, it's, it's so, I'm like looking back at photos of men back then and I'm like, where are these men?

Yeah.

Where are they?

Because I don't, I don't, it's, it's really hard right now.

And that's just the truth.

And I just think we need stronger men.

And that's coming from a woman that's single right now.

And I've seen a lot.

I'm not trying to be rude, but it's,

I don't know.

I don't know what's going on, but there is an attack on masculinity right now.

It's an attack.

It's an attack.

It's an attack.

It's an attack

on strength and it's an attack on drive.

Like there's just a laziness and fear and avoidance.

And

then read something.

And then I would just say to the men who are treating girls as friends while trying to pursue them,

but not saying that they're pursuing them because they don't, first of all, want to put themselves out there or they don't want it to be pressure or they want to keep their options open.

If you call yourself a Christian, a follower of Jesus, a man of God, that ends today.

You have to stop doing that.

You treat every woman that you come in contact with like she is a daughter and a princess of God, and you treat her as such, okay?

And that means you talk to them with intentionality, you speak to them with respect, and you don't leave them wondering, what's going on?

Does this guy like me?

You have to be clear, upfront, and you know what?

Even if it hurts their feelings, even if it's hard for them to hear, you be so kind and so compassionate, and just be very honest.

That, you know, what I value you so much as a person, you and I are just friends.

And then, after you say that to them, because I see this a lot too, someone will be like, Sorry, I just like you as a friend, but do you still want to hang out?

And

do you

still want to be super close friends where we talk all day long, we're on the phone, we hang out just us?

Don't do that either.

And I think that also brings up the question: can men and women be friends?

I don't know.

I think couples can be friends.

I think I can be friends with John's friends and John can be friends with my friends.

Have I ever had a successful friendship with a

guy that was completely platonic on both ends and never even remotely had a thing of confusion, weirdness, or like hope that it could be something different?

I don't think so.

I think that, of course, you can be friends with guys.

I don't know if guys and girls should be hanging out by themselves

without really clear boundaries because I guarantee you somebody in the equation wants it to be more.

And if you're a guy and you know that there's a possibility the girl you're hanging out with and talking to a lot likes you and you're letting that go on and you're stringing them along and you're leading them on, that's not okay.

And there's no shame.

It's no condemnation.

You don't have to continue doing that, but this is your sign to really stop.

And then the last thing that I'll say is just for girls.

We're speaking to men and who they should become.

And we're speaking to you guys and who you should become and what you should allow.

Girls, you have all the power in the world to decide what you want to let into your life.

If there are guys doing what I just described to you,

no, you don't need to let them do that.

You can end it and say, I'm not going to be.

You don't have to make it a big thing where you say to them, hey, you're leading me on and stringing me along and blah, blah, blah, and you need to change.

You can simply separate yourself, remove yourself from that intimate relationship, keep them as a friend and be like, I'm not going to text you all day.

I'm not going to hang out with you alone.

If a guy isn't making it clear what he wants with you, treat them as a genuine friend.

Don't fantasize about them and literally just move on from it because it's not worth it.

Until a a man explicitly tells you I like you I want to take you out it's not worth giving it even one thought because they haven't been you don't want a guy anyways that's not being open with you and I get they might be afraid God needs to deal with that with them I love you know it's so true it

We are sitting here wondering and why isn't he texting me?

And it's been four days.

And I have like,

this is a man that is going to be your husband and is going to have to make the phone calls for you someday when, God forbid, something happens to one of your parents or, and is going to go through so much sickness and life with you.

Choose wisely.

If somebody isn't texting you and going days with, like, you know, when you know, when you know, don't put excuses for people.

You will know if someone is interested in you.

Yeah.

You will know.

And I love what you said earlier about

just get know Jesus because this past two years of literally not having anyone in my life and really understanding the love of Jesus, that unconditional love, I mean, whoever comes into my life is really going to have to be special because I know what unconditional love is.

And so, you just do not settle for anything less than that because you know what true love is and you know love that doesn't leave.

And so, if someone isn't texting you or giving you lukewarmness, like

just understand that, like, don't, don't sit there and wait around.

Don't wait around for that.

You know, like that feeling that you have right here in your gut, that's saying he's not texting me for days.

I mean, that's your answer right there.

Yeah.

There is no like calling all your friends and asking them.

You know when you know.

Yeah.

How would a devil destroy a man in this century?

Isolation through technology, distract him with endless scrolling, keep him glued to screens and replace real relationships with shallow online connections.

Confuse his identity, make him unsure of who he is, what he believes, or what his purpose is, constantly bombard him with conflicting information, numb him with pleasure, overload him with entertainment, pornography, substances so he avoids facing hard truths about himself, confuse it

turn him against other, feed him with outrage, division,

destroy him with a sense of hope, convince him the future is bleak and that nothing he does matters.

Keep him busy but empty.

Fill his life with meaningless

work, stress, so he never has time to reflect or grow.

Make him distrust truth.

Blur the line between fact and fiction so he doesn't know what's real anymore.

So true because that's what's happening right now in this generation more than ever.

I can't believe what it said about isolation through technology.

Keep him distracted with work.

I'm too busy with work.

I don't need to get married.

I don't need this.

I just need to make my money, money, money.

And then you become

older and you've lived so independently for so long and you have everything figured out.

Your career, your life, your home, your...

everything.

And so to fit another person into your life is really hard.

You want to know what it is to be in a relationship?

It is sacrifice and it's compromise.

And there's an effort.

If God is in something, there's like somewhat of an effortlessness and it's a lot of work.

There is nothing like merging two lives together that are completely different.

When we talk about compatibility, guys, my counselor told me this.

Everybody's incompatible.

Nobody's actually compatible because we're all different.

You have to find

somebody whose incompatibility somewhat is compatible with your...

compatible you know what i mean like you have to find someone who's the

least incompatible with you because we're all incompatible So do you know how much sacrifice and compromise it takes to blend lives together?

There is no selfishness in a thriving covenant, godly marriage.

You can't be selfish because you have to prefer the other person.

You have to compromise.

I think one thing

that I'll say about and I say that to say about what you said about the work stuff So men specifically usually but it happens to women too They become so independent that it's a bother for them to to let somebody into their life because it does disrupt your life.

It makes things more difficult.

You've already got everything figured out.

So it's annoying to have someone else to think about.

It's annoying to have somebody in your space.

That's what happens when you're so toxically independent that you have left no room for another person to come in your life.

And

Or if you just have them there because you can't be alone.

That's just a bad thing.

And you just have them there when they're there and you go with them, but you're all about like work and stuff and then you just have them on the sidelines with no

uh idea of committing or future or planning right i guess john was talking to a friend recently who

john was just kind of explaining the call of god for a husband and it's ephesians 5 you lay down your life

for your wife and for your family.

Like, you always prefer your wife.

You leading your wife and your family means that you literally sacrifice yourself to put them above you.

And John was telling his friend, like, one of the ways that I do this for Angela is Angela likes buying a lot of pottery barn furniture,

assembling it and putting it together, trying it out in her house, and then deciding she doesn't like it, and then putting it back in the box.

And her house every week is filled with boxes that I have to go up her stairs, take the boxes down into my truck, take it to UPS, mail these boxes back, pay like 70 bucks for the boxes.

And he's like, and it's so weird to me and I don't like it and it's not fun.

And I do it because it's just she likes it.

She enjoys it.

And like, I don't want to do it, but I'll do it.

You know what I mean?

It's just like little things like that.

It's just

spend time in prayer every day and say, Jesus, destroy my independence.

Jesus, crucify my independence.

Just say, men, whoever is feeling like, man,

I just, I'm not,

I don't feel like I am, I want to commit.

I want, I'm, I am about all my work.

I, I am selfish.

Well, you know what?

I just, we want to let you know that you're in a great place, that you can actually notice that and say, I want to change though.

And I will tell you, like,

I was not ready to be a wife.

Yeah.

I had to really learn.

I had to like really be in a relationship with Jesus.

I had to grow.

I had to let things die.

And he's had to prune me and take off branches.

And it's been two years of that.

And so it takes time and that's okay.

And we all have upbringings where we were learned certain things and we are just trying to get by.

And so we have selfishness and ego and pride.

And not all of us were raised learning the right way, learning how to be the right way.

And so

I just want to say that none of us are perfect.

And yeah, like you said,

you just ask for that in the mornings.

It's dying to yourself every single morning being like, help me.

I want to be the man that you've called me to be.

I want to look more like you.

Like help me in these areas.

Get good mentors.

Mentors and being around good, godly people is so crucial.

You have no idea.

And I wouldn't be this woman that I am if I wasn't around good people, good mentors, people with integrity.

And so when you surround yourself with that, when you go into a relationship and really start saying,

you have to start being honest.

That's what it is.

You got to start.

Once you start saying, I have all this stuff, help me.

That's when he gets to work.

So true.

And if you don't know what stuff you have, because a lot of us don't know.

Don't.

Ask Jesus, Lord, reveal to me my issues.

Search my heart, oh, Lord.

Search my heart, oh, Lord, and show me.

And honestly, ask God for self-awareness.

Ask God for social awareness.

Ask Jesus to give you wisdom and how to be in relationship with people.

Ask Jesus for wisdom and how to date.

Ask Jesus for help.

Be like, I don't know how to date.

I don't know how to talk to this guy.

I don't know what to, like, I don't know what to do.

Show me what I'm potentially doing wrong.

Like, just show me.

We need God to show us what we're even doing wrong because we don't even know half the time.

Yeah.

And so being in true relationship with Jesus, you know what it does?

It makes you literally stop thinking about what other people are doing wrong and you can only see what you're doing wrong.

So if you find yourself blaming other people or thinking about him or her or them or what they're doing wrong and how they're not doing this and they're not holding up in this way, that's probably valid.

And then also go to Jesus and be like, I'm aware of all that.

You take care of all that because I guarantee you, God has never talked about somebody else to you in your secret place ever.

He has never brought somebody else up and been like, yeah, I need to change that in that person.

No.

He always says to you, hey, I love you.

We got to change a couple of things here.

That's what it's like.

He's never, so just bring Jesus your stuff.

And if you don't know what your stuff is, ask him, God, what's my stuff?

what's my issue i need i need awareness i need self-awareness show me jesus and and bad company really does corrupt good character so if you're around somebody who's cheating who isn't who's not really committal but they're your friends so you're gonna you're gonna take that on stop yeah so you just have to be you really do have to be careful because you don't even notice it but when you're around certain people ever since i started being around like my friend and her husband who she just loves and respects, and she's patient with.

It's made me want to be more patient.

It's made me, Belle.

Oh, yeah.

You know, it's made me want to even looking at Michael, who is so patient with her.

And I'm just like, I will not settle for anything less than

this.

And so you need to be around people that model integrity and

commitment and patience and love.

Yeah, so

I think our biggest issue is self-worth.

I think if we could approach dating

from the lens of

a place of high self-worth, solid self-worth, self-worth that is rooted in Jesus, identity that's rooted in Jesus,

we would

be more confident.

There'd be more peace.

We'd have more clarity.

I think there's so much confusion in dating at times because we're looking at everything from the lens of our own through the lens of our own self-worth.

Like everything is a reflection of us.

They don't like me.

They don't really want to be with me.

They don't like this about me.

I feel awkward.

I don't feel pursued.

All these things.

Especially for women and men too, I know, but I see it so much in girls, that like we're just dying to be picked.

Everybody just wants to be chosen and loved and know that they are desirable.

And it's all rooted in self-worth.

And the number one way to grow and fix and increase your self-worth is to focus on the one who is worthy, to focus on Jesus, to spend time with Jesus, to read the word, discover who Jesus is through the living Bible.

You cannot know Jesus apart from reading the Bible.

You will only grow in intimacy through reading the Bible and sitting in quiet and sitting in prayer and letting Jesus love on you and opening your hands and saying, Lord, I have low self-worth.

Fill me with love.

Show me who I am.

Asking him every, if you're struggling with self-worth, you have to get on your knees every single day and say, you show me who I am.

I'm not going to let anybody or anything else show me who I am.

You show me who I am.

I promise you, that might seem like a really small prayer.

It's so powerful because God is faithful to answer.

If you are genuinely seeking the answer, he's going to give it to you and he will begin to show you who you are and then your worth will not be affected by what anybody else does.

And so if you're listening and you don't know Jesus yet or you haven't fully given your life to Jesus,

everything that you want, Having a thriving relationship, a thriving marriage, a thriving life begins at salvation, begins at placing your hands in the one who gave you your life in the first place.

If you just believe in God,

but you haven't given your life to Jesus, you've gotten it completely wrong.

Jesus is God.

He is the Son of God.

He's the living God.

There is

No name under heaven by which men can be saved other than Jesus.

It's only Jesus.

Identity, self-worth, self-confidence, joy, peace, all of these things begin when you give your life to Jesus.

And so I want to invite you to pray with us

and

just make the best decision that you can ever make.

And again, if you say that you believe in God, but you haven't given your life to Jesus, the one who died on a cross for the forgiveness of your sins, who is our high priest and our mediator, the one who stands in the gap between us and God, we can't get to to God if not through Jesus.

You need to pray this prayer with me.

So, dear Jesus,

I give you my life.

I believe you died on the cross for the forgiveness of my sins.

I believe on the third day you resurrected and now you're seated at the right hand of the Father.

I renounce the devil.

I renounce my sin.

I renounce the world.

Jesus, I give you my life.

I give you my heart.

I give you my body.

I give you my spirit.

I give you my mind.

I give you my soul.

I give you my relationships.

Lord, help me focus on the one who is worthy rather than my own self-worth.

May I find myself worth in you alone.

May my spirit yield to you alone.

Fill me with your Holy Spirit.

In Jesus' name, amen.

As if you just gave your life to Jesus, we love you so much.

We're so proud of you.

We're so grateful to be on this journey with you.

If you're watching this and you're already a believer, go lead a couple people to salvation today.

Go out there, ask people if they know Jesus, take a risk and say, hey, do you want to give your life to Jesus?

You will be surprised at how many people you're going to start leading to the Lord if you have that type of boldness.

Yeah.

Start praying for people.

Yeah.

We pray for boldness and authority over you guys.

We've been doing been doing this walk for a long time.

And so it's time.

I really, I, as whenever I pray, I just see like all of us, like we're going to, this is going to be a year where we make more disciples than ever.

Let's go.

You better speak that.

We love you guys so much.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

May he make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you.

May he turn his face towards you and give you peace.

Shalom, shalom.

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