Past & Shame | Girls Gone Bible

Speaker 1 Hi, I'm Ange.

Speaker 2 I'm Ari, and this is Girls Gone Bible. We talk everything, Jesus, we love him from the bottom of our heart.
He's everything to us.

Speaker 2 We talk everything from spirituality to mental health to relationships to brokenness. And we're just here as two perfect girls.

Speaker 2 We're just here as two imperfect girls that serve a perfect God. We love them so much, and we love you guys too.

Speaker 1 Hi guys.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 today

Speaker 1 is

Speaker 1 a lot. Today is a tough day.
Today Ari and I are here to talk about

Speaker 1 just some things of the past. We're here to address some things

Speaker 1 and we're just going to go straight into it. No fluff.

Speaker 1 This episode is an episode of responsibility and transparency.

Speaker 1 And that's what we've come to do. We have a responsibility to you guys.
And we have a responsibility to God. And we so honor what God has given us.
And

Speaker 1 I'm like, obviously so emotional. I'm like, it's better if I just say it.
This is how I get. Sometimes I like can't get through talking.
But there is a video and it is from a couple years ago.

Speaker 1 And it's like circulating around and it's not great.

Speaker 1 And when something like this happens, it's obviously incredibly exposing and incredibly vulnerable. And again, we just have a responsibility as a leader and like

Speaker 1 coming on this podcast and having so many people who have been with us from the very beginning to just give an explanation. So

Speaker 1 basically, there's this video, and it's not great.

Speaker 1 I am acting provocatively, and

Speaker 1 um,

Speaker 1 and I even mention having a Bible podcast or having a religious podcast, and I kind of like make a joke about it. I just want to give clarity to the um context and the timeline of this video.

Speaker 1 So, I mention in the video that I'm like, I can't do that, like, I can't act like this because I have a religious podcast.

Speaker 1 And I just want to say that that video was taken before Girls Gone Bible was even created. It was when Ari and I were like, kind of in talks making videos, like, let's do a podcast.

Speaker 1 Let's talk about God. Let's tell people what Jesus did in my life.

Speaker 1 But there was no actual Girls Gone Bible yet. And so, I think one of the reasons why I want to mention that is because I think it's so important for people to know our process in Girls Gone Bible.

Speaker 1 And I know that we're so open already, but I think it's, you know, important and necessary for us to say one more time: like

Speaker 1 the sanctification was not immediate in either of our journeys. And what is important to me to mention is like when you and I started Girls Gone Bible,

Speaker 1 we

Speaker 1 like you look at the first three episodes and they're just all over the place. We're flailing our arms, saying things that really aren't biblically accurate,

Speaker 1 making mistakes, saying things that are worldly opinions. And then it's really not until the fourth episode, it was the betrayal and forgiveness episode, that you and I, like something switched.

Speaker 1 There was a shift that happened. You and I realized like

Speaker 1 we just realized what it was. The fear of God set in and we realized what God was doing and what was being created.
Whereas before that, like we didn't know, we didn't know we were in ministry yet.

Speaker 1 We didn't know what this meant. We didn't know that we were going to have a platform, you know, and so there was like carelessness and there was, um,

Speaker 1 so anyways, in that video that I'm talking about, I made a joke that is just like ridiculous and it's, you know, not honoring to God, obviously. And

Speaker 1 yeah,

Speaker 1 so

Speaker 1 I think

Speaker 1 for me, and then there's another thing about this specific video that

Speaker 1 People have asked me if I'm not sober in this video.

Speaker 1 And this is like the most important part about this entire thing for me because I just want to make it very clear that I am five years sober, period, over five years sober today or this year in in Thanksgiving, I will be six years sober from alcohol completely.

Speaker 1 Never drank one time in that video, not drunk, not high, not on anything. Provocative and like lusty in the way that I was speaking, absolutely, not on anything.

Speaker 1 And so, like, that's really, really important for me to address because

Speaker 1 that's everything to me. You know what I mean? So,

Speaker 1 and I just want to talk to you guys so incredibly plainly that, like,

Speaker 1 I've spent

Speaker 1 you know I've spent the last week

Speaker 1 just trying to make sense of my own story you know of being like

Speaker 1 because it is true I started Girls Gone Bible and there was still so much

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 1 needed to be removed and there was so much of me that was still so unsanctified and

Speaker 1 it's hard. It's so hard to be faced with your past, but that it feels like it's also somewhat tied to the present.

Speaker 1 Like this specific situation is just incredibly difficult because it's tied to the thing that means more than anything to me in the world other than Jesus. So

Speaker 1 I've just been trying to make sense of my own story. And, you know, I just

Speaker 1 i want to tell you guys a little story i shared um a very small part of this on stage on tour but i think it's really important to let you guys into

Speaker 1 my heart with this because

Speaker 1 The truth is, like, yeah, and you guys know this, came from the world, never even imagined walking in Purity a day in my life. I had gone to this little place in Arizona.

Speaker 1 It's basically this garden, and it's like the life of Jesus, and it takes you through these little stations.

Speaker 1 And I'm going through this garden and I'm by myself and I'm in there and I'm praying. And

Speaker 1 I'm walking around this garden and I get to the end and it's this fountain.

Speaker 1 And it's like

Speaker 1 the fountain of the Father. And it's like an octagon basically.
And on every side, there's like a different virtue of God. It's like love, grace, forgiveness.
And I'm walking around it.

Speaker 1 And then I get to this one little part of it. And it says patience.

Speaker 1 And I realize like

Speaker 1 patience is a virtue of God that

Speaker 1 we don't really focus on. You know what I mean? Like,

Speaker 1 we don't really talk about how patient God really is.

Speaker 1 And I'm sitting there reflecting on how patient, truly patient God has been with me and with you and with every single other person. Like, so patient, so full of grace.
Like, this is true grace. And,

Speaker 1 and,

Speaker 1 so I'm thinking about how patient he is, and I'm trying to connect to him. And this is right after whatever I see the video, and I'm just like, I'm, I'm, like, anxious, but I'm a little angry.

Speaker 1 But more than anything, I have so much shame.

Speaker 1 And I shared this on stage where I said I've been preaching about redemption

Speaker 1 and about being washed by the blood of Jesus and about being cleansed by God for the past two years and you know a few years before that without ever truly receiving that in my heart because it's not until you're faced with the past that like

Speaker 1 it's something it's like revelatory it's something that you need to receive like grace is something you need to receive it's an understanding of the grace of god that you can't just because none of us can make sense of it and i realized like

Speaker 1 I hadn't truly received the fact that God could have that grace for me and so I'm like having a conversation

Speaker 1 I'm having a conversation with Jesus and I'm just like

Speaker 1 I just need you. Like I really need you.
I really need you. And I just have so much shame, a mountain of shame that I can't get to him.
Like I feel it.

Speaker 1 Whenever I'm trying to connect to Jesus and there's something between us, I feel it. And he's like, and I'm like, move it.
Like remove whatever's between us, remove whatever's hindering us right now.

Speaker 1 Like, I just, I need you. I need to get to you.
And I hear him so gently being like, then be honest with me. And I'm like, just move it.
Like, remove the shame. Just remove the shame.
Remove it.

Speaker 1 I just want to get to you. And he keeps repeating to me, then be honest with me.
Then be honest with me. And I see that video in my head and I see myself.

Speaker 1 And I literally go, I hate her. Yeah.
Like, I hate her. I hate that girl.

Speaker 1 I don't want anything to do with her I absolutely hate that girl and I feel God press in on my heart and be like I love that girl yeah

Speaker 1 I love that girl I didn't reject her

Speaker 1 and so you can't reject her either you've spent all this time running as fast as you can away from this girl trying to change yourself so much so that we could forget about her and pretend that she never existed.

Speaker 1 But that's not how it works. He's like, you've been distancing yourself from that girl.
And that's not the love of God. The love of God distances itself from nothing.

Speaker 1 And so I'm sitting there being like, but I don't understand. Like, how can you love that girl? How? How can you possibly love that girl?

Speaker 1 And I just feel him speaking to me being like, because she needed me. Like, that's the girl who needed me.
That's the girl that was broken. That's the girl that I died for.

Speaker 1 I don't just love you now that you do everything right and you don't swear and you walk in purity and you don't dress immodestly. Like I loved her.
And her greatest fear was abandonment.

Speaker 1 And that's exactly what you've done to her. You've abandoned her.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I'm just like, this is the grace of God. Like it is offensive grace.

Speaker 1 People can look at me and look at that video and look at anything, look at my Instagram two years ago and be like, how could God possibly possibly bless that girl?

Speaker 1 How could God possibly give that girl favor? And it's like, it's offensive. Like, the grace of God is offensive.
It doesn't make any sense. And, but that's who he is.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 So, yeah, I mean, I'm, I'm clearly on a journey. I really am.
And

Speaker 1 I think, like,

Speaker 1 I think the temptation in all of this is to be like,

Speaker 1 why would God allow this? You know, like he's supposed to protect you.

Speaker 1 And I've asked him, I've been like, I've spent the last two years reading my Bible in my house, watching sermons, not tolerating sin. Why? Like, why can't you protect me?

Speaker 1 And I recognize that it is the kindness of God for something like this to happen because I am experiencing his love in a way that I never would have. Because I realized, like, I've had it wrong.

Speaker 1 You don't just start doing things right and then you receive God's love. And yeah, I just and so I say all that to say

Speaker 1 I want

Speaker 1 clarity with you guys. Like

Speaker 1 I know

Speaker 1 the call of anybody in ministry.

Speaker 1 I know why pastors fall.

Speaker 1 I know why these things happen.

Speaker 1 I don't believe in incongruency between who you are on a public platform and who you are in private when ministers of the gospel, when people in general, celebrity, anybody detaches themselves from their public persona, from who they are really in private.

Speaker 1 Like, that's why bad things happen. And so, I'm here to let you guys know, like, I'm here for full clarity, full transparency, full honesty for the rest of the life that I have a mic in my face.

Speaker 1 Like, that's what it's going to be.

Speaker 1 So, and I just want to give you guys clarity on the evolution of Girls Gone Bible. Like, when we first started, I was like,

Speaker 1 I was not right yet. I wasn't.
And again, I've been trying to make sense of my story for the past few days and being like, how?

Speaker 1 Because you hear people's stories, how they get touched by God, and then everything changes. They throw out their wardrobe, they stop having sex.
And I'm like, why wasn't that my story?

Speaker 1 And it's just like

Speaker 1 a lack of discipleship, a lack of community. I'm experiencing like the move of God, the power of God while not actually having anybody to look to, no accountability.

Speaker 1 You go to church in LA, everyone's kind of doing the same thing. So it's just,

Speaker 2 yeah. I went through the same thing of feeling so inadequate and

Speaker 2 not feeling like I can even come to faith because I didn't feel like I was worthy enough. And then, you know, you sit down and you you think about

Speaker 2 you think about your journey and he loved us through all those moments when we were sitting in sin, where we were a mess, where we were broken, where we didn't know better.

Speaker 2 It's so funny when you look at our journey.

Speaker 2 He put us two together and then we're like learning and we're like growing and then he puts us in this and then we start meeting people and like we did this together.

Speaker 1 And if I didn't, if I didn't,

Speaker 2 like I would have been acting the same way if I if we didn't meet all those people. Like they, you know, you really do need people to help.

Speaker 1 You need, you need community. You need,

Speaker 2 like you said, you can't be the holiest one in your group because how will you learn?

Speaker 1 Yeah, totally.

Speaker 2 All I know is

Speaker 2 we can sit in front of people and we can look in their eyes and be like, me too.

Speaker 2 And people,

Speaker 2 we would not have reached the people. Like, he really does work everything out for our good.

Speaker 1 It is so interesting being on a sanctification journey in front of people. It's like

Speaker 1 usually you do these things in hiddenness and in private and you know what I mean. That's what it is.

Speaker 1 And so it's the most vulnerable thing I think you can go through. And

Speaker 1 well,

Speaker 1 you know, I think what's really interesting for me is like

Speaker 1 I never realized how much shame that I had. Like I really didn't.
But then I realized like, you know how I always say, I always feel like God's a little mad at me. Like, that's shame.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's your own voice. That's what I feel.
Yeah, it's shame. It's your own voice.
And the past, like, week,

Speaker 1 it is the most incredible thing. I don't have that voice when I, when I sit down to talk to Jesus.
Like, literally, it's so weird. Something that should make me feel so powerless.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm not powerless in this. It's insane.
Yeah. You know, and like, I guess what I would encourage anybody listening is just understand like the ways of God.

Speaker 1 He's like, he's unbelievable.

Speaker 1 He's unbelievable.

Speaker 2 It's like those moments, it's

Speaker 2 the moments where

Speaker 2 we're the most broken and scared is when he's like right there.

Speaker 1 It's just like I have developed a trust in Jesus that... transcends truly any human understanding because it transcends my own circumstance.
Like

Speaker 1 it's just like weird that the unthinkable happens, like something that you don't want to happen, and then to be able to see the goodness of God in it and it not be a cliche. You know what I mean? Like

Speaker 1 it's just the way that God does things. Oftentimes, like when something looks bad, sometimes God allows bad things to happen to produce something good in you.
Like it's just so true.

Speaker 1 We just come on here to say, like, this is true raw transparency like

Speaker 1 the and because i'm sure people have even been confused with just modesty stuff and and if you watch our episodes you'd understand if you know us you understand it's been a journey it has been such a journey and you and the one thing i always say is you guys really have been like riders for us.

Speaker 2 Like you guys have been on this with us. And the one thing we always talk about is how you guys have given us so much grace.
I can't believe how much unmerited grace you've given us through this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, totally. And I'm just like,

Speaker 1 so, but there are people that are confused.

Speaker 1 And of course. And I just

Speaker 1 want to be clear that it's been such a journey for us since the beginning. And like

Speaker 1 we have been

Speaker 1 really transparent. But it's also confusing.
And, you know, for people who see old photos, photos of us from,

Speaker 1 you know, while we were making episodes and all that stuff. It's so confusing.
It is confusing.

Speaker 2 He did it on purpose. He did.
And I know that. He did it all on purpose.
He did it so we could all grow together. And

Speaker 2 I don't know. I just.

Speaker 2 There are times where I used to look back at the episodes and I was like, why did I say that?

Speaker 2 But then I'm like, we wouldn't be girls gone Bible if we didn't. Like, this is the whole point.
We're like, we're girls of the world and we relate to people. And I'm proud of us.

Speaker 2 We used to be girls of the world.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 2 I just, I can't help but just feel so proud of you and proud of myself. And I know Jesus is proud of us.
And all we can do is, we know how we are now.

Speaker 2 And I know it's so confusing, but I know how real we've been. We've been honest from the very beginning.
Totally, you know?

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Speaker 1 There's something about trying to stuff your old self away or trying trying to stuff parts of yourself away.

Speaker 1 I think about like every scripture in the Bible that talks about how God is life in him. There's no darkness at all.
He like everything that's done in the dark will come to light.

Speaker 1 He illuminates everything. If you ask God to come in your life, he doesn't tolerate hiddenness, like you hiding things.
He doesn't, not that we've been hiding anything, but I just, even

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 1 things that are innocent, like, oh, I'm going to change and be everything that God wants me to be. So I never have to even think.
And if I have to see a photo of myself from the past, I'll cringe.

Speaker 1 So, this is for anyone who is in a situation where if God, you know, being exposed or feeling vulnerable, and it doesn't even have to be anything like this, like dramatic like this, it could be anything.

Speaker 1 Like, even in relationships, like being exposed, being vulnerable, telling the truth, being honest about who you are, where you've been, where you're at, like, it can be so incredibly hard. And, like,

Speaker 1 even like with John for example

Speaker 1 this is ridiculous even with John for example like I've invited him into all of this obviously if you're in a relationship like

Speaker 1 I believe in full transparency in a relationship I really do because the truth is I'm like I want you in this because I want to believe you when you tell me you love me you know because to be truly loved means to actually be seen and you can't really believe someone when they say I love you, if they don't know you, you know?

Speaker 1 And so it's just like opened me up to a world of Jesus that I didn't even know existed. So,

Speaker 1 you know, this is for anyone who's hiding. This is for anyone who has shame.
This is for anyone who's thought, you know, their old selves or parts of themselves. can't be accepted.

Speaker 1 That's just not the love of God. It's not.
It's not. And so I know that God is calling us all into complete self-acceptance.
Every part, every part of the journey.

Speaker 1 Like, and compassion for oneself and responsibility and accountability and clarity and transparency and compassion. Yeah.
That's what Jesus is, right?

Speaker 2 He's the perfect balance of truth and grace.

Speaker 1 Yeah, 100%. It's all about self-acceptance.
It is. It's about, like I was saying earlier, having compassion for yourself.

Speaker 1 And I think something that God has probably done for both of us, I know he's done it for me, is like he's constantly

Speaker 1 taking me back into my own story and like back into moments of

Speaker 1 just different experiences and different moments and

Speaker 1 taking me into shame and taking me into questions of like, but why, but how, but how do you end up here? And him showing me like step by step, like,

Speaker 1 this is why.

Speaker 1 This is why, like, you felt unsafe your entire life yeah powerless without a male figure and nobody to guide you and tell you that you are protected and then so you grow up in a way that's like i have to protect myself yeah i have to gain power in whatever way i can and like that's why So many girls

Speaker 1 present themselves as provocative or you know what I mean? It's like these things don't just happen.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I love that you say that because it's so so true.
Some of us, and I, and I felt like that where I've been like, why did I, why couldn't I have known better back then?

Speaker 2 Why couldn't somebody told, why couldn't somebody tell me how to be? Why did I, like, why? Like, there have been so many times where I have asked those questions too.

Speaker 2 And I love that you say that because that's why we have to.

Speaker 2 There's just, I don't know, since we've started this Christian walk, I've, we've seen a judgmental side that I have, honestly has made me physically sick.

Speaker 2 Like I have had moments where I was like, no wonder people don't want to come to Christianity. No wonder people turn away from religion.
Because some of these people are just...

Speaker 2 It's, it's appalling.

Speaker 2 The comments that we've seen, the thing, like people tearing each other down, it's, it's awful. And it's like, you don't know somebody's journey.

Speaker 2 You don't, some people don't have the luxury of growing up in Christian homes where they've been told right or wrong. And you don't know why that person person dresses the way they do.

Speaker 2 Maybe they're broken. Maybe they don't know better.
We didn't know better. We really didn't.
And so some people are just so lost and they're trying to figure it out.

Speaker 2 And everybody has their own journey with Jesus. And we did too.
And it was a long process and it was a lot of unlearning and unshedding, but it took time.

Speaker 2 And, you know, everybody has a different path with Jesus. But as followers, we are to say, we love you.
Everybody has their journey. and it's our job to still love them, anyways.

Speaker 2 We need to love like Jesus loves.

Speaker 2 It's the truth.

Speaker 2 Everybody's journey looks so different.

Speaker 1 Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 1 And again, God, the patient, patient father, he's so patient and he calls you higher. And when he speaks, you listen.

Speaker 1 And when he moves, and he does, and then he puts people in your life that show you, that model what true righteousness and holiness and purity looks like.

Speaker 1 And it changes you and you answer the call when he calls. And so it's both.
It's like, yes, you absolutely live to a standard.

Speaker 1 Like I'm going to be fully honest, like the way that I live my life, it's like zero toleration of sin. It really is.
And of course, I fall and then I get back up.

Speaker 1 There's repentance every day of my life. But it's like,

Speaker 1 there is no, there's, well, there's grace and there's no excuse, like it's both. But when I look back on a time where I truly did not know better, but I was learning to do better.

Speaker 1 And over time, and people have to understand too, like

Speaker 1 when you mentioned it, like you have to unlearn things and

Speaker 1 your brain gets rewired when you live a certain way. I'm like, I'm 27 years old.
Like I'm living a certain way all these years. Like naturally.

Speaker 1 It takes a second. You know what I mean? If I lived a certain way for so long, it doesn't just die right away.
It doesn't. You, I mean, there's so many things that are wrapped up in it.

Speaker 1 Your value, your self-worth, the way that you see yourself, the way that you see the world.

Speaker 1 And like, so I know for me, it was very confusing when God started moving in my heart and being like, you have to get rid of these things. And I'm like, but who am I if not this?

Speaker 1 And it's just like, it's, it's an incredibly intimate, vulnerable journey.

Speaker 2 It was so intimate for us in the beginning as well, especially when we had to be around

Speaker 2 like these Christian that had been walking in purity their whole life and that have been walking right. And that was so vulnerable and so hard for us.

Speaker 2 I mean, do you remember all the times when we would look at each other and be like, like we would almost be in such shame and like cowering down?

Speaker 2 And it was, that was really, that was probably one of the most difficult things I've ever been through was having to go into these Christian spaces where everybody's, you know, but I don't know.

Speaker 2 It's just,

Speaker 2 for me, I just, and especially since we started tour, seeing these girls and them coming up and being like, I feel so far gone. Like, I am so stuck in sin.

Speaker 2 I, like, sin, I'm, I'm, I feel, I feel dirty, all these things. And like, to look into these girls' eyes and be like, guess what? I was there too

Speaker 2 has been the greatest blessing. So although there is shame, it's like, I don't know, it's hard because we wouldn't be able to relate to all of these people.
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Speaker 1 I just, I think feeling shame is, I think truly shame is the root of so many things that people go through. I believe that shame is the root of so much insecurity,

Speaker 1 so much, um,

Speaker 1 so much anxiety, so much distance between you and God. I know that that voice, I'm so sorry, I'm so emotional, but like I, I couldn't believe how a few days ago I literally realized I don't,

Speaker 1 it's not like he's back here looking at me like this anymore. That's what God has felt like to me for so long.
And I'm always able to work past it. Because I know him and I know that's not him.

Speaker 1 And I realize it's shame. If you feel like God is always mad at you, I believe that it's shame.

Speaker 1 If you have this nagging feeling like he's like looking down on you, it's your own shame and he's inviting you into your shame.

Speaker 1 And I just want to say to everybody, like, this is what I've learned within the past month of my life, that God cannot heal something that you do not give him permission to.

Speaker 1 Radical honesty with Jesus, with other people, with yourself,

Speaker 1 putting on a front, having pride, like Jesus can't reach that area. You have to invite him in.
You have to invite him into the shame.

Speaker 1 You have to invite him into anything that you're trying to hide and push away and stuff away and keep hidden because, like,

Speaker 1 first of all, it's going to get exposed no matter what. That's one thing I know about him.

Speaker 2 It's so funny you say that because

Speaker 2 when I look at my journey of the facade that I had always put up on social media and stuff like that, and I would just put up these pictures, you'd never think I struggled a day in my life.

Speaker 2 You would have thought I had it all. And I was like, just suffering so much in my heart.
I was, I mean, on the brink of suicide, just dying. Like,

Speaker 2 and so when I started to be so open, and that's when I started my friendship with you, and I just started to tell people and be like, I can't hide anymore. Like, this is what's going on.

Speaker 2 I am, I am like dying. I need help.
Like, I feel so worthless. I feel so much shame.
I just met Jesus, but I'm, I don't feel like adequate at all. And I need help.

Speaker 2 And when I started to be open and stopped putting that facade up, that's when everything started changing in my life. Right.

Speaker 1 It's so beautiful. And you have to.
You have to.

Speaker 1 Radical honesty and inviting him into the worst parts of you and the worst parts of your story. And

Speaker 1 it's just crazy. Yeah.
And I just want to speak to anyone who has been in a position where you feel exposed or vulnerable.

Speaker 1 If people have used the past against you, if people have, you know, like just done anything that's made you feel super vulnerable and exposed.

Speaker 1 The one thing that I've really learned about Jesus is that some sometimes like in his kindness,

Speaker 1 in his goodness, he allows you to be exposed and vulnerable. And it can feel so mean and like you're supposed to cover me.
You're supposed to protect me. But it's just like

Speaker 1 he is so in it. Like he is so in it and he that he never exposes you just to leave you naked and exposed ever.
He always covers you. And I kept this as as my background.

Speaker 1 Let me see. Ezekiel 16, verse 8.
So I wrapped my cloak around you to cover your nakedness and declare my marriage vows. I made a covenant with you, says the sovereign Lord, and you became mine.

Speaker 1 And so that's for anybody in a position where you feel vulnerable or exposed. And it's just like

Speaker 1 Jesus really does have the final say. He really does.
And you're so protected and he's so with you in it. And

Speaker 1 it's just time to stop hiding like it really is i know somebody is watching this and

Speaker 1 i feel it with you it's just like there you can't hide you can't hide god calls us into the light into the light and that means everything and that means everything and what you don't address in relationships and friendships in jobs and ministry like you've got to you have to address it and if there's something like I just want you to know that in a moment that can feel so powerless with Jesus you can receive all your power back you know like addressing and and facing it's just like that's what he does he makes us face things

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 yeah I just encourage you

Speaker 1 Just in your relationships and your friendships to be so radically honest with people and if there is something that you feel shame about that's the one thing you need to attack like if there's an area of your life an experience of your life, just the one thing that's always in the back of your mind, like if anybody knew this about me, if my boyfriend knew this about me, if my girlfriend knew this about me, they wouldn't love me.

Speaker 1 You can't live with that. You've got to bring it to the light.

Speaker 1 And if somebody rejects you for it, the one thing that I will say, they have autonomy and the right to reject anything that doesn't work for them. That's the truth.

Speaker 1 Whatever, you know, whether it be a past thing or whatever it might be, but that's not your person. Anybody, but like you cannot sit here living a life of

Speaker 1 holding on to things that give you shame and then not revealing it to the people around you. Let it lose its power over you because it will.
And recognize none of us are perfect.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 2 I think about the woman that went, the sinful woman that went into the house and she's washing his feet, just like loving on him. And he looks down and he's like, I love you.

Speaker 2 Like your sins are forgiven. Like that is who Jesus is.
Like none of us are perfect. We all fall short.
We all mess up. The only Jesus was the most perfect person and even he was persecuted and

Speaker 2 blamed and treated so poorly. And so,

Speaker 2 you know, I don't know. I just,

Speaker 2 everything that Angela and I have been through, all our wrongs, all our shame, all our sin, everything, it's, it's truly like, it's made us who we are. He just uses it all.

Speaker 2 I mean, I I think it's so beautiful to come from a family of

Speaker 2 a household of Christians where you walk in purity. But I also think it's beautiful if you didn't come from a Christian household and you maybe not have walked that way.

Speaker 2 But he loves us all and he's he's just so good. He's so gracious and he's he's he's with you.
He's after you. And he did that with us so much.
He really did. He was,

Speaker 2 I think about all the times where we were just so lost, so broken together in our friendship.

Speaker 2 And he was just with us through it all, holding our hand and teaching us and growing us and brought the right people in our path.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Jesus, for bringing the right people.

Speaker 2 And thank you, Jesus, for you guys that you have,

Speaker 2 I just have to say it again. I mean, we have the greatest family, which is you guys.

Speaker 2 How could we have a family where we have messed up so many times, we've fallen short, we've said the wrong things, we probably haven't dressed right in some of the episodes, but you guys still love us and still are with us and you still grow with us and you have not judged us and the love that we feel from you guys.

Speaker 2 That's why we're able to do this.

Speaker 1 The messages of encouragement that I've

Speaker 1 read them all, by the way. Like I am, you guys are actually, I have never felt more seen and loved in my entire life.

Speaker 1 And if you think for one second that you're just another message, like I can tell you from personal experience that every message that I read, I take so to heart and it actually changes and like shifts something in my own heart.

Speaker 1 Not because it's like praise, but because it feels like I'm actually being seen and loved by somebody and like really cared for.

Speaker 1 When you guys say that you're praying for us, my goodness, I can't tell you how safe it makes us feel when you guys say you're praying for us. Like you,

Speaker 1 GGB, is everything. like i am telling you

Speaker 1 you guys are my world you guys are both of our worlds we love you so much i don't know what i would do like i'd be fine obviously but like i don't know what i would do

Speaker 1 but i i i just like i don't know what i would do this is the greatest gift that i've ever been given other than my relationship with Jesus is being with you guys and having a group of people, honestly, who do hold us accountable.

Speaker 1 It's like the greatest blessing because it's put the fear of God in me.

Speaker 1 I feel responsible for a family, for brothers and sisters, and like a group of people who mean the world to me, who I spend like literally all day and week praying for.

Speaker 1 And so, it's just like it's changed the course of my life. I wouldn't be who I am without you guys.
It's it's changed absolutely everything.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you guys are literally half the reason why we were able to stay in this thing. Just the messages and the outpouring love was like, wow, okay, I feel safe and I feel seen.

Speaker 2 and we can do this thing because we have you guys.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you guys have, you guys have literally healed my broken heart even. Like you really have.

Speaker 2 You guys are just, you guys are amazing. You guys are everything to us.
Psalm 32.

Speaker 2 Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight.

Speaker 2 Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt, whose lives are lived in complete honesty. When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away and I groaned all day long.

Speaker 2 Day and night, your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.
Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt.

Speaker 2 I said to myself, I will confess my rebellion to the Lord. And you forgave me.
All my guilt is gone. That is who our Jesus is.

Speaker 1 There's just no hiding. No.
You get into a relationship with Jesus and like you better expect. Yeah, you better expect for it all to come up, all to come out.
And it is the kindness of God.

Speaker 1 And truly, one last thing that I'll say, anybody watching this, anybody under the sound of my voice that is in or has had a situation that looks like absolute disaster or like you are like, how could this possibly happen?

Speaker 1 There's no way that God is in it. There's no way that he's protecting me.
So often, that's how he works.

Speaker 1 works so often like if i've learned anything about god it's that he truly disrupts your plans to get to you yeah he did like the disruption of god is the greatest gift it hurts it's uncomfortable it doesn't make sense half the time um

Speaker 1 but yeah and last thing i'll say

Speaker 1 over five years sober

Speaker 1 you can say whatever you want nobody is taking from me the very incredibly true supernatural miraculous story about

Speaker 1 how jesus actually saved my life.

Speaker 2 And then, can I just say that the Christian walk

Speaker 2 can just be so messy? It's just because he's literally pruning everything. He's like, it's stripping.
It's, it's so exposing. And you're like, but I don't want to talk about this.
I don't want.

Speaker 2 So it just feels so emotional at times. And it's messy and it's a lot.
And there's just so much that goes into it, but it's just, it's the pruning. It's the, it's the sanctification process.

Speaker 2 And it can feel so,

Speaker 2 it's just a lot.

Speaker 1 It hurts. It hurts.

Speaker 2 It hurts.

Speaker 1 And you're going to wonder, why is it always something? And that's what it is. And there's so much joy.
If you ask Jesus for joy, you'll have joy.

Speaker 1 But it is like you don't want to walk around all dysfunctional and not feeling good and, you know, wreaking havoc in relationships and all those things.

Speaker 1 So it's better that Jesus does this for you so that you could be better for yourself and for other people in your life.

Speaker 2 It is good. It's really good.
But it has, we have felt like that at times. And so I don't know.

Speaker 2 I mean, if you guys are going through this season where you're just like, I just feel like such a lack of joy. Like I feel like I'm always coming up short.

Speaker 2 I feel it's just he is exposing things and pruning you and sanctifying you. And it's, it can some, it can sometimes feel really draining.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
We love you guys so much. Thank you for being here.
You can expect full, complete, total honesty and transparency.

Speaker 1 And above all else, just understand that congruency matters to us incredibly more than anything. And so if we say one thing, I promise you we're living that way.

Speaker 1 I promise you, if we say one thing, we are living that way.

Speaker 1 We love you guys so much. Thank you for being on this journey.
Like we say that every time, but we really mean it today. Thank you for being on this journey with us.

Speaker 1 Thank you for providing this space that we can come and cry and be honest. And

Speaker 1 we love you. We do.

Speaker 1 May the Lord bless you and keep you. May he make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you.
May he turn his face towards you and give you peace. We love you so much.

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