520: A Day of Judgment

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This is the craziest shit in the movie.

This was the best part of my life.

Not just the movie.

I stood up and cheered when I saw her.

My boyfriend came home and I turned this movie back on and skipped to that scene because he had to see.

It's not just the lipstick, though.

She's also got like her eyebrows drawn up.

Okay, I figured out, I figured out what that was because that was driving me crazy.

Because it looks like her eyebrows are like going just down into her eyes but it's not it's that she put on eyeshadow but also the eyeshadow extends up to her eyebrows she looks like divine it is yes amazing i was so happy with this moment

welcome back to God-awful movies where each week we watch another terrible movie so you don't have to.

I'm your host, Heath Enright, and I'm joined by the Eli Bosnick.

Eli, how's it going?

80 Schlock, baby.

Yay!

Yes, we're going back to 1981 when I began.

Very exciting.

And we also have two brand new guest masochists, Brian and Dave from the Bring Me the Axe Horror Podcast.

Brian, Dave, welcome to the show.

Hey.

Oh, shit.

What's up, fellas?

All right.

So tell us about Bring Me the Axe a little bit.

Bring the Axe is a comedic movie of the week exploration of horror movies that kind of accidentally became a sort of vehicle for cultural studies podcast.

You know,

as weird as that may sound, I mean,

we started out talking about, hey, how about that Amityville 2 movie?

Lots of incest in that movie, right?

And then like two years later, it's like a deep analysis of Cold War tensions and nuclear war with like a one-two punch of like the day after and threads and like our most recent series.

Excellent.

Our show is also intellectual.

Let's get too crazy because we had Eli on a little while ago to talk about

the story of Ricky.

Get rid of all those listeners you had acquired.

Yeah.

All right.

Let's get right into it.

Dave, what are we going to be breaking down today?

Well, we watched A Day of Judgment.

It is the story of a small southern town populated entirely by psychotic dirt farmers and philandering businessmen.

Yep, that is correct.

It is.

All bound for some vague and I think frankly confusing Old Testament come up and big time.

Indeed, I was so confused about what the fuck was happening so often.

That's a lot of my notes is what the fuck is happening?

There's a, yeah, there's a moment.

There's a very moment in the movie where I think we're all kind of like, no, who the fuck is that?

Just jump in.

Yeah.

It turns out that they got about halfway through their movie.

They must have been like.

I think we killed off all of our characters though.

So they just had to jam some new ones in there.

Yeah, and they're like, oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What about the guy with the gun at the beginning?

Yeah, come on.

Let's get him.

Yeah, we can make some get some more going.

And Brian, what made you and Dave select this particular movie?

As I understand it, this was your choice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We brought this one to you guys.

Well, I really wanted to do like a Ron Ormond movie with you guys, but I think you've done them all at this point.

Yes, we have.

Yeah, yeah.

But I honestly, I feel like this one lands pretty close to the mark.

Absolutely.

It's got all the moves, it's got all the vibe, got a little bit more blood.

Also, I desperately wanted to know what a Christian slasher movie looked like.

Yep.

And so when we were talking about doing this, I was like, well, you know, we're going to do a horror movie, obviously.

That's kind of our thing.

And so I was like, Google, Google, Google, Christian Slasher movie.

It's got to be out there.

And lo and behold, I couldn't fucking believe it.

But there it was.

Hell yeah.

There it was.

Yep.

And not only that, it was available on Blu-ray.

So

can't ask for better.

All right.

And Eli, how bad was this movie?

Well, if you love the schlock slashers of 1981, and I do, but you wish they had the morals of your church-going grandma who absentee voted for Trump from the old folks home, you will love this movie.

All right.

Is there anything y'all would like to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Oh, God, yeah.

Best worst coming out to your parents.

I had a lot of competition.

It was really tough, but I think I'm going to have to go with best worst slap fighting.

Sure.

Yeah.

When it ends in fatality, you've got to go with best worst slap fighting.

It was an accident.

Some amazing, there's a pump fake of a slap at one point, but there's some excellent slaps that aren't.

They were like too hard for the actors.

And they were like, hey, don't do it soft.

100%.

We see some soft slaps.

It's fun.

All right.

I was going to go with best worst.

Way too many threads in the movie.

They keep introducing new shit.

And I'm watching the clock run down on this movie.

And I I was like, okay, I feel like 10 different movies as like a prank got combined on YouTube by accident.

And they have no chance of closing this.

Oh, yeah.

This movie has more characters than a chorus line.

And it's a touch over 90 minutes.

And they all look exactly the same.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You got to put a hat.

Well, some of these people do have hats, but that doesn't help.

Yeah.

Identical white people.

They will figure out how to deal with their threads, but not well.

And it's at the last fucking second.

So I was very confused.

And I know we're going to talk about this during the review, but but every thread is just a little more convoluted than it needs to be, right?

So you'll like see it's like, here's the greedy banker.

And you'll be like, okay, I can kind of follow this.

And they'll be like, and he's cheating on his son with another son.

And I'm like, wait, what?

Yeah.

It does escalate.

Like the very last one is like, this is very convoluted.

Like this plan to sort of gaslight his old boss is just.

It should be its own movie.

Yeah.

It's like some Agatha Christie shit.

Yeah, that guy's story is amazing.

That should have been the whole movie.

Absolutely.

We start with like a real bitchy old lady and somehow by the end it's like mission impossible five yes exactly everyone is philip seymour hoffman and i'm gonna take the easy one i'm gonna take the

home run which of course is best best death noise yeah all right

there is nothing it should go on the new christian movie bingo card that they didn't practice their death noise before they made the movie because it's very obvious this man had never yelled before before he decided to make his cat points, let alone died in a movie.

Oh, and you know, this, this is like the most regional of regional horror movies.

And you know that this guy, you know, he done every like community theater, like

they've done our town, they've done like all this stuff.

And this guy was like, I'm going to take this fucking seriously.

And he just worked on it

for weeks.

And then we got the opposite of the Wilhelm scream as a dash.

That was fun.

All right.

Well, I think we're going to take a quick break and then we'll be back to tell you all about A Day of Judgment.

All right, everybody.

Welcome to the first Writer's Room meeting for A Day of Judgment.

Woo!

Woo!

Day of judgment.

Now, we're going for a classic horror slasher takedown by God's Vengeance.

So who are we thinking for victims?

How about a couple having an affair?

Perfect, perfect.

Oh, a no-good banker who forecloses on a local farm.

Absolutely.

Nice.

Ooh, how about a guy who thinks you slept with his wife, so he gets you in trouble at work?

Sorry, what?

Yeah, yeah, like nobody believes that it was him that made you late for meetings, but he did.

He made you late, and then he also messed up like two of the orders by using your signature.

Wait, how does he know your signature?

He, oh, he, he used to work there.

Why would that mean that he knows your signature?

and also he's planning to kill you and his ex-wife?

Ah, it just feels so specific.

Also, we already did an affair that feels really repetitive.

I want to do the guy whose elaborate hoax to gaslight you at work is also a murder plot.

Is everything okay at home, Greg?

Yes.

Okay.

Yes, it is.

This message is sponsored by Greenlight.

Buying stocks upon the bounce, then your money, you won't flounce.

Can't Can't be flounced.

Yeah, definitely not.

Hey, guys.

What you doing?

Oh, hey, Heath.

I was just showing Brian and David how I'm teaching my kid about money, but they're being super critical.

The advice is bad and the rhymes are bad.

Yeah, yeah, I would imagine.

Look, Eli, if you want your kid to learn about money in a way that's safe and responsible, why don't you try Greenlight?

The metaphor from Great Gatsby?

Nope, no.

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Oh, that sounds great.

It is.

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Amazing.

I wish I had that when I was a kid.

Me too.

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All right, Heath, I'm sold.

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That's greenlight.com slash awful to get started.

Greenlight.com/slash awful.

All right, Heath, thanks.

Hey, do you know any good words that rhyme with bounce?

Bankruptcy?

No, I'm pretty sure that doesn't work.

And we're back.

And we're going to start with some music from

an eight-bit wandering minstrel, I think.

Yeah, I had ominous Renfair.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

No, this is pure Dungeons and Dragons music.

You got to roll D20 plus your constitution save bonus there to just make it through this whole movie.

Yeah, no, I failed this save.

I feel like someone, when they were planning this movie, they got to the music part someone was like well my brother knows how to play the banjo

for sure

sold and i know we don't usually dwell on credits but if you don't watch along with us first of all you should absolutely watch this along with us it's free on youtube you can rent it on prime like brian said you can get it on blu-ray which you should you should own it and give it out for gifts at christmas but if anything told you how awesome a movie we are in for it is these credits because the names are like you're making up names and someone doesn't get the joke you're doing.

So you start getting weirder and weird.

We start at Carrie-Ann and we end at Larry Sprinkle.

Oh, yeah.

So there's also like Henry Bloodworth the third.

IRL Dixon.

It's so long, too.

The credits and the music kept going.

It felt like a wandering minstrel customer service line had put me on hold

waiting for the movie to start.

We value your business.

Please wait for your movie to to start.

Yeah.

My favorite, and Brian already teased this, was Worth Keeter III.

And I wrote my notes, three generations were like, another Worth Keeter, guys.

It's just a great name.

Another person has to have it.

You know that there was like, I don't know, six people who worked on this movie, but they loved this music so much.

They were like, just keep making up names and sticking them in the front.

He's always got to get it.

He's on fire on that key tar, I say.

On fire.

He's shredding the banjo right now.

We're keeping this.

Yeah.

I didn't even know he could play the harmonica.

turns out he can't neither did he yeah

so somebody finally got a saving throw so we could start the movie it starts with a powdered priest and a very shiny cross yeah so they went with guy in old age makeup for this preacher who's about to leave town because everybody's not christian enough but then they also went with

Whiteface.

I don't get it.

I do not understand it because they also like, I can't tell if it's a wig.

Yes.

It is 100% a wig.

And

they powder it and then they give him like the

pancake makeup white face.

And it's like, why is it important that this guy is like old and broken like this?

Because they're giving him his fruit punch mouth.

They really want to accentuate it.

They really went for fruit punch mouth.

I'm very confused.

Why?

He has a touch of the consumption.

Yeah.

Now, is he leaving town or is he going to kill himself?

Because I...

Yes.

You could go either way.

Yeah.

This will be far from the craziest makeup that we get we're gonna get some lipstick at a certain point that was so that was gonna be my best worst right there oh shit that was that okay I don't put a don't ruin it yeah big big pin in the lipstick it'll it'll come up pretty soon so this guy gives a sermon and he says this is the war to end all wars and I was like okay well that's how you get a holocaust man you don't want to you don't want to do that but apparently he's talking about like the war of good and evil or something like that Oh, no, no, no.

This movie takes place in the 30s or the 20s.

And so he's talking about World War I.

Oh, he was talking about World War I.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, okay.

I thought he was talking about good versus evil.

Okay.

Well, he says he's going to like murder some heathens or whatever.

He's mad at the people who won't accept Christ based on his amazing sermons.

He says, and pay they shall, very ominously.

And then he ends it by being like, also,

I kind of got fired.

I have to leave.

Yes.

And I was let go from my position.

Anyways, I know I've been saying how much God hates everybody but me and that you're going to get an amoral retribution.

Unrelated, I got fired.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

If you are the sole beacon of morality in your community and all you get are these like three old ladies in your church, maybe this one's on you, dog.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I feel like this movie really kind of explains a lot about present day America.

Yeah, exactly.

Sadly, that is true.

So from there, we cut to Reverend Cage, that's his name, riding a horse-drawn carriage, and he gets honked at by a car, like

he's an Amish person right now on the highway.

Yeah.

And the person honking at him is Charlie.

We meet Charlie here, and Charlie has a lot of his own problems, including alcoholism.

Pin and Charlie, everybody.

We're going to visit him about 40 seconds before the end of the show.

Charlie's also yelling at himself while he's driving.

He's yelling at a newspaper that he's reading while he's driving.

And we see that he has a gun ready for something on the passenger seat.

So yeah, pinning Charlie as well.

Then we move over to Kaler's store and we see what appears to be Mrs.

Peacock from Clue the Flapper.

This is Mrs.

Kaler, Ruby Kaler.

And she doesn't want Harvey, her husband, to go on the business trip that he's about to take.

Now, and I didn't realize Harvey owns the store.

I didn't get that at first because when they cut to the store, it is literally the quote store set from like every 60s sitcom ever made.

Yeah.

Oh yeah.

It's a, it's a, it's a church rummage sale.

Yeah.

We also meet Kenny here.

He works at the store and he's bad.

So we watch him lectually, you know, flirt with a customer.

Yeah.

And yell at a little girl, too.

Yeah, I guess in the 1980s, they thought what women wanted out of a shopping experience was sexual harassment.

Oh, yeah.

This guy's dialogue is all like cribbed from porno movies.

Yeah.

I actually, I don't think that they thought that's what they wanted, but that is definitely what women were going to get.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah.

Honestly, Kenny being in a porno that no one else is in makes a bunch of sense for his character.

Why isn't anyone getting their dicks out?

And then we also see that Ruby and Kenny are adultery flirting together a bit at the end of the scene.

Five feet from her husband.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Also, it's 1980s doing 1920s costumes.

So she's trying to make up her mind between identical frocks.

It's hilarious.

Literally just a difference of color.

So from there, we cut over to Reverend Cage again, and he goes into the bank next to the Kaler's store to see a guy named Mr.

Sharp.

And Reverend Cage needs to pay back his loan.

Now, may I expose myself slightly as a villain, perhaps, on this week's podcast?

Because I understand the movie wants me to hate Mr.

Sharp, but every scene that Mr.

Sharp is in, a character who he is supposed to be victimizing goes, hey, Mr.

Guy who works at a bank, I can't give you the money that I borrowed.

Give me free money.

And he goes, no.

And we're supposed to be like, you fat piece of shit.

Capitalist pig, Eli.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah.

Why is it just movie banks that when they do the normal course of business, we're supposed to be like, what a real sucks.

Eli, you're taking a little leather in your mouth right now?

I know.

I will say, though, there is some strange rules to this bank because at a certain point, a lady is going to come in and be like, I just need my money, sir.

And the bank manager comes over and she backs up like he's about to slap her in the face.

And it's like, why can't you put money into this bank and not take it out?

It's confusing.

It's like banking with Orson Welles in this scene, too.

Like he said, he's a fake guy.

The Reverend Cage sits down and the two of them are like,

well, you know, usury is illegal.

And the other guy is like, what can mammon do for you, Reverend?

It's just like

Rome references back and forth.

It's like, guys, like

laid off just a little bit, like 20%.

Oh, it's that beautiful kind of bad writing that we really only see with like Donald James Parker, where he's written a bunch of clever comebacks to himself and his typewriter.

So both characters are saying nothing.

They're all conversations he's had in his head.

Yes, it's shower fights the dialogue.

And it goes on forever.

It just gets so tedious to the point where at a certain point, the banker gets up and I wrote, now, if you'll excuse me, Reverend, this witty banter is getting incredibly tedious.

But I will admit, you are winning this argument against me.

That is for sure.

And also, you are incredibly handsome.

Yeah.

Right.

So, Reverend Cage, he wants another extension on the loan.

Sharp wants to bump the vig.

We hear, yeah, that usury is illegal in the Bible.

And then Sharp says, you have 60 days.

Otherwise, it's on your superiors at the church.

And I was like, okay, this is, this is not how anything works with loans.

It'll get crazier.

We leave it there.

And then we cut over to a gas station where two, I'm going to say 45-year-old men are talking about their upcoming high school dance.

Uh-huh.

Yep.

This is the health that RFK Jr.

is aiming for.

Now, look, I know that these are adults playing younger people, or at least one of them is supposed to be a younger person.

But still, this actor was probably 30 and he looks just old enough to be my grandpa.

Yeah, the age of this guy is upsetting because of what we learn.

He's going to have a girlfriend in high school.

It's no good.

We also see Reverend Cage ride up to the gas station here, like, like he's going to fill up the horse.

I don't know what was happening there.

He has a moment where the young man sort of gestures at the hose and he's like, no, no, don't fill up my horse's ass with gas again.

That was a whole thing.

And we keep what in the lead up to this scene, like once we kind of like, yeah, we fade in on this scene.

And it's George and some guy, they're like, Hey, hey, Georgie, who are you bringing to the dance?

You're bringing Missy, and he gets like super touchy at the mention of this girl, Missy.

And then the Reverend comes up and he's and he's like, Hey, I need to talk to your parents.

And he's like, It's just about me and Missy.

And he gets like, What is the fucking story with Missy?

Wait, wait a second.

They're supposed to be in high school.

I couldn't tell.

I absolutely.

It seemed like it based on this dance, or maybe there's like an adult homecoming dance.

Yeah, like maybe it's like, I don't know.

I do not buy for a second that either of these people are in school in any capacity.

Maybe it's like one of those, like an old-timey community dance.

Like a bond dance for like in

My Bloody Valentine, where they're having like the big town Valentine's Day dance.

Okay, yeah, maybe.

Don't make me feel better.

It's all they've got.

Yeah.

So we meet George's mom here, too.

They own this gas station and their house is like there too.

That's their house and the station, I guess.

George's mom walks outside and starts talking to him.

And we also see three old church ladies who were in the church at the very beginning, the cold open with Reverend Cage.

And they just like walk up.

They're wearing all black and nobody acknowledges them at all.

Oh, no.

For the whole film, right?

No, no, this is like, they're like the witch's three, you know, bubble, bubble, toilet, trouble.

It's like Shakespeare is what I'm saying.

Yeah, that's absolutely.

Yeah.

No, well written withdrawn.

Okay, here's the thing.

These ladies are so conspicuously in the back of every scene that I thought at the end of the movie, they were going to be revealed to be the killer.

No.

No, they're just

lonely old ladies.

Right.

If the old ladies have been doing the killing all around town, I was like, oh, that's a clever club.

But no, it's just like these three old ladies agreed to sit in the church scene and then they were like, we'd also like to watch the rest of the movie.

And they were like, from where?

And they were like, center of a frame.

I'm telling you, this, this, whoever wrote this, like, they think they're Faulkner and Steinbeck and Shakespeare all at the same time because, like, they're going to appear as these sort of like, I don't know, these are witnesses or something like that, who just drift through all of the sort of sinful scenes to witness it.

Yeah, then they vanish, and we don't see them until the end again.

Yeah, this is also where we start getting some incredibly cryptic half-sentences.

Like, everyone's like, Did you go to the

and someone's like, I don't believe, how could you ask me?

You know what happened last time?

And it goes on and on.

I'm like, what the fuck are these people talking about?

Doesn't matter in the end.

We don't learn.

They don't answer it later.

They're setting up nothing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So we also go inside the house for a second, and it's just to characterize the dynamic between George and his parents who are like riding him all the time.

So the entire scene is just the parents saying something and George being like, dawg, I'm 40.

Fuck you.

Did you order the tires?

Yeah.

stuff like that.

Exactly.

And then from there, we're going to meet Mrs.

Fitch.

This is an old lady in her house, and she's reading.

And then she hears something or senses something, and she looks out the window, and local kids are playing just a game of monkey in the middle in a field next to her yard, and she's mad about that.

I just want to, I want to say, too, that you can tell she's reading because she's moving her lips the whole time.

Yeah, exactly.

And in the 20s, everyone was at that first grade reading level by the time they reached 85.

So that was where it was.

Now, Brian, Heath, as the resident olds,

how often did you play Monkey in the Middle as a child?

Was that

earlier today?

Whatever.

That's not the game.

I fucking hate it.

I was always the monkey.

Can't catch shit.

They're too fast.

They're too fast.

And I would like to say thank you for leaving me out of that.

Heath and I are actually the same age.

What?

Okay.

Man, exactly.

Yeah, it's my, it's my dewy glow.

That's what it is, is, man.

How do you think we stay so youthful?

We play Monkey in the Middle.

It's about cardio.

Yeah.

Heath, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times.

You should turn gay.

Okay.

It does

for the complexion.

It doesn't work retroactively, though.

So wherever you're at.

You might just be screwing.

But in 10 to 20 years, it'll really be a boon for you.

True.

Yeah.

Okay.

We also meet one other character here.

Pretty important one.

Doodles the goat.

This is the pet goat of the kids, the Benson kids.

And this goat fucking hates them.

They're playing monkey in the middle, and the goat's just trying to eat, and they're playing like right in his eating area.

And he's like, just fucking move the game over like 10 feet.

Yeah.

Trying to eat.

Yeah.

Also,

we see the priest comes like strolling through the scene again in his little horse-drawn carriage, just giving Miss Fitch the dirtiest look as he goes by.

Yeah.

She is clearly the worst person in town.

Yes, and she will turn out to be the worst person in town.

And several people in town are murderers.

Oh, I was going to say, yeah, in spite of the fact that several people get get murdered in this she kills a goat i hate her the most yeah she's just it's inexcusable yeah well here's the thing though i because i thought about this later on all these people make just like uh real bad choices there's mistakes and poor choices miss fitch though she's just an asshole you can't fix that right like that's that's this is a story about redemption i guess to the extent that it's about anything maybe yep it's no good yeah so they're playing the game and the ball rolls into her yard and they're all scared.

They're like, oh, old Lady Fitch's house.

We don't want to get it.

They try to make the goat go get the ball for a second.

I got to know how that works.

They do.

They put the goat over the fence and they're like, get it.

And he's like, I'm a fucking goat, guys.

Exactly.

But later on, she will say, we doodles went and got the ball.

To which I think, little girl, you're a fucking liar.

Yeah.

That goat, first of all, has no hands.

And also the way they like hurl it over the fence is a little bit mean too.

They did that on purpose.

This thing just wants to eat whatever is around and you're tossing it over the fence and this lady's feeding it poison.

God.

Yeah, I was definitely team goat and team no humans pretty much in the whole movie.

Even these oaky kids suck.

Yeah.

So Mrs.

Fitch gets mad about this and calls the cops and then goes out and yells at the kids.

The three old women in black walk by ominously again.

Nobody acknowledges it because they are the witches from Macbeth, I guess.

That makes sense.

Yep.

Foul is fair.

Fair is foul.

then we get a little bit more evil characterization of Mrs.

Fitch.

She's inside and she tells her maid to go get her brandy and then accuses the maid of stealing the brandy.

Trump's America.

Yeah.

So that night, we see Reverend Cage.

He's riding the carriage and he's doing the thing.

He's winning arguments in his head.

And we see a full moon for a second.

And then we see

a very silly Grim Reaper.

Yes.

Oh, also, I'm pretty sure that's a day-for-night shot, and I love that shit.

Oh, 100%.

Yeah.

No, he's got the, so this is the first time.

And oh, look, I've seen a lot of Grim Reapers and movies over the years.

This is the first time I realized how unwieldy a full-size sickle is.

This thing is massive.

There's no way he's killing anybody with this sickle.

It's just, it's at a weird angle.

It's blocking his ability to drive the horse.

Yeah.

And also, even if he's good with the sickle, he's got a good deal of oatmeal on his face.

And I feel like that's going to make it hard.

yeah i've spent so much time trying to think like was the makeup supposed to make it look like a skull

maybe unclear oh because i just thought like that's right reverend there's a new powder faced weirdo in town yeah like the like the only like they couldn't like they didn't have like a proper special effects guy for this and so they got like the like the local funeral director to come in and like put on like the the mortician's wax and stuff like that for an approximation of a skull right see i felt like they saw someone like get pied at a local town fair and they were like, wait a second, Larry.

What if you left it like that?

And then you were the monster in our horror movie.

All right.

So we've met the Grim Reaper.

He's going to stay in the movie a bit.

Now, quick question.

We never see Reverend Cage again.

Does the Grim Reaper kill him?

Did he suck that bad at his job?

Ooh, I wish.

I wish.

They just had like an angry cannon

fight face fight together.

Maybe.

Yeah.

And they set this movie up with the Reverend.

Like, we are led to believe that the Reverend is going to be our protagonist.

And then he just fucks off and we never hear from him again.

I'm planting a flag here.

The Grim Reaper kills him.

Ooh, all right.

Yeah.

No, head can just kill himself.

All right.

Fair enough.

So from there, we go back to Mrs.

Fitch.

She's on the porch talking to the sheriff, who she called on the kids.

And she says, I expect justice.

Yeah, I want you to go over to the Benson house and shoot them all.

And yes.

Leave no survivors.

Just burn their home to the ground and salt the ashes.

Yep.

So the sheriff agrees to go talk to the Bensons, the kids, the parents, whatever.

And then we go inside and more angry at the maid's stuff to make Mrs.

Fitch evil and racist, very racist.

The maid is a black person and Mrs.

Fitch is very, very racist here.

Yeah, this is where she says, oh, Alma, we've always been able to talk things out.

And I was thinking, yeah, but like, it means like I condescend to you in vaguely racist language until you apologize and promise to never do it again.

Yeah.

You want to know how much this lady sucks?

She's too racist for the 1980s pretending to be the 1920s.

And she's going to be, Mrs.

Fitch is going to be one of the first, but certainly not the last people in this movie who asks someone for help and then immediately start treating them like a jerk.

Yeah.

Right.

So Alma the maid quits because of.

very obvious racism, among other things.

And then we see the Benson kids splash fighting in a little waterfall area.

And the sheriff comes to kind of talk to them about staying out of that yard.

Oh, and also, whenever they bring the kids in, we didn't mention it before, but somebody is playing.

It's like the chill, the Benson children's theme is like somebody just honking on a harmonica.

Yeah, 100%.

Yeah.

At one point, a kid is playing one, but then he doesn't have it in his hands in the next shot.

So I was very confused if it was background music or diogenous.

Yeah.

And then the back, it's just like

the sheriff pulls up to the swimming hole and it's like, squeak, squeeze moon, squeak,

yeah, but he basically tells the kids like, hey, Mrs.

Fitch made a complaint, but she's, she fucking sucks.

So just do your best to ignore her.

And I don't know if you guys, did you have this person in your neighborhood?

No.

Okay, so when I was growing up, we actually had this person in our neighborhood who would regularly call the cops on children walking by her house.

And so cops would show up at your house and go, Hey, Mrs.

Schrimmer down the street has called and said you like broke her window.

And we went, and her window's not broken.

So we assume that's a lie.

And we'd be like, Yeah, it's a lie.

It was great before the internet reinforced everyone's mental illness.

There was just a lady who would occasionally call the cops

in Binghamton, New York.

Wait, did you live in a trailer park by any chance?

Because if you did, it might have been our grandmother.

Oh, all right.

There you go.

She was a little bit of a coming full circle.

A little bit of a wet blanket.

Yeah, also, I'm usually pretty ACAB, but I got to tell you, I feel for the sheriff because this town is just, this town is just full of petty shitheads, and he has to deal with every single one of them, like every day.

And I swear to God, this guy is just one bad day away from a shooting spree.

Yes.

If you take this movie as having happened over one or two days, which I think we are supposed to, right?

The sheriff is having the busiest and worst shift of his life.

And he walks away from every single interaction, mumbling something like, I hope you get the justice you deserve.

Yeah.

Having an awful week because you don't become a small town sheriff to solve two murders in a 48-hour period.

So from there, we get Mrs.

Fitch staring out the window again at nothing, and she's mad.

She finds the nothing suspicious, and she calls the sheriff again.

Apparently, to report that the Benson kids may have walked past her house maliciously.

Yeah, they're planning something she calls to report a planning yeah and she almost says i will shoot a child okay bye that was pretty much the content of that phone call no seriously this cop gets like a hundred calls a day and like 70 of them are from her yeah 100 100 i wrote in my notes she's going to stand her ground on her rose bushes damn it

she is she almost says exactly that too so yeah she says i will i will protect my bushes and my plants and i wrote yeah you can only get a peek at them through her a window if you know what I mean.

So that night, Doodles the goat gets into her yard for a second.

And we see her narrating her angry thoughts to herself.

And then she yells for Alma, her maid, and she's like, oh, right.

quit because I'm a horrible racist.

Your race has lost another one.

Yeah, this is not the first maid who's quit on her.

I bet a lot of people quit on her, probably because she uses phrases like you people.

A lot.

Yep, indeed.

so mrs fitch has to go get her bottle of poison by herself she was gonna have alma go get her bottle of poison that's labeled poison poison poison and she's gonna poison a flower as bait for doodles the goat and kill the goat yeah I wrote in my notes, she's going to poison that goat.

And y'all, literally, whatever happens to her from now on in the movie, it's fine by me.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

This is like an old-timey version of like a death wish sequel.

Yes.

Where it's like, of of course the cops are on the criminal side guess i'll have to take business into my own hands yeah

so that's what happens though this goat gets murdered with poison and we watch a goat die of poison or at least act that out Yep, there is an...

Oh, God.

Okay.

First of all, let's talk about this goat's performance because it's fantastic.

I thought it was pretty good.

Yeah, because they do three separate shots.

They want to do sick goat, where the goat is just being told to hold still.

Then they do dead goat, where the goat is very clearly doing lie down slash rollover.

Pretty good job.

Yeah, they spent the entire budget on a trained goat, basically.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm guessing this movie happened because they knew a trained goat.

They were like, guys, guys, hear me out.

Yeah, somebody played the banjo.

Somebody had a goat that was very well trained.

What else do you need?

The rest was sweet, sweet movie magic.

All came together.

So later that night, Mrs.

Fitch hears some noises again.

And the Benson kids are very justifiably throwing rocks at the house and yelling like, you murdered our goat, very clearly.

Yeah, honestly, if these kids are just here to murder her, that would be the best start to the movie I could ask for.

They're all going to stone her to death.

Yeah, something like that.

She runs out and yells at them.

And then the sheriff shows up and the kids narc about the goat murder, which is fair.

And she talks to the sheriff again.

And she's like, I have the right to protect myself with goat poison.

And that kind of works.

Apparently, the stand your ground law applies to grievances against local kids and murdering their pet goat with poison.

So the sheriff just leaves.

All of my notes here are just advices to be violent to the sheriff.

I'm just like, shoot her, sheriff, shoot her in the face.

Hit her, sheriff.

Hit her right in the jaw.

Yeah.

Oh, she's going to love it when they invent the next door app.

Oh, yeah.

She's actually inventing it.

That's what she does all day long.

It's just the Telegram version.

That's working on Series A funding.

Sadly, none of that happens.

He just leaves.

So I think we're going going to take a quick break and then we'll be back with more.

A Day of Judgment.

Guys, guys, Phil is back from the Overworld.

So cool.

Amazing.

Hello, Hello Demons.

Hey, Phil, how was the Overworld?

Filled with sinners, as usual.

They needed to be taught many lessons.

Oh, tell us all about it.

Okay, so there was this lady who murdered children's pets and I ruined her garden.

I'm sorry, you ruined her garden.

Yeah, she really liked her garden.

I see.

And

I dragged her down to hell.

Oh, okay.

Well, maybe lead with that.

Sure.

Okay, well, there was also a guy who was going to send his parents to the asylum, but

I spooked him.

Sorry, you

spooked.

Spooked him?

Yep, spooked him real good.

And is he better now?

Well, no but i but he's crazy so it's kind of ironic right because it's like it's like meta

sure

maybe uh next time you go up you run a plan by us and we can all sort of get a hand on the ball yeah honestly that would be great sure man happy to help i'm bad at this

okay how about now I'd say that's about as far as I'd go.

Okay, good to know.

Hey guys, what you doing?

Heath added us to his cell phone plan.

Those are cans and string.

Cans and string with no sneaky hidden fees.

Yeah, we are going to save a ton.

Exactly.

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What's Mint Mobile?

Okay, spreadsheet is getting unwieldy now.

We could switch to LookerBook if we wanted.

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I don't know, Eli.

Will I have to change my phone or my phone number?

Your can has a phone number?

Yeah, it says 32 ounces on the bottom.

Got it.

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All right, Eli.

Thanks.

But hey, at least the cans were free, right?

Oh, no.

He's had us on a payment plan.

He 32 ounces.

And we're back.

When we left off, Doodles got poisoned to death.

That's a sentence I've said in my life now.

And now, Mr.

Greg, the town lawyer, is walking down the street.

And George from the gas station wants some legal advice.

Okay.

Oh, God, this is my favorite plot thread of the entire movie.

Oh, God.

It's incredible.

But I do have to talk about the lawyer's first reaction to George wanting advice.

So George, this is the kid who was talking about the dance earlier.

He's like, hey, can I talk to you about some things I want to do?

His first answer is, is Missy giving you legal trouble?

I wrote, for what, dude?

Yikes, 1980s.

This about you dating a child in your 40s.

Let's take a walk and talk about it.

Oh, I know.

They are setting Missy up to be this just like

final boss menace

and as it turns out like her worst crime is just her makeup right yes exactly and meanwhile george is like god no i just want to murder my parents jeez okay yes thank you it really felt like he was setting up a menendez here and he's like he doesn't say murder but he's like i want to commit my parents to a home somehow and mr greg the lawyer is happy to look into that for him yeah Mr.

Gregg should have been wearing like a red suit with a cape and like horns.

Like his character is, I'm surprised he doesn't get killed in this movie.

No, he, there are no consequences for the lawyer who upon hearing I would like to trick my parents into an old age home out of all their worldly goods is like.

Okay, well, there's a couple of ways we could go back to clear.

And every time that he does it, he like, he has these like very, very sort of like these gestures with a flourish that is like, okay, that is clearly infernal shit.

He's doing that.

He all but says to them like, well, have you thought about killing them?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he will do that lawyering work for George.

Then we see George just being whistly and happy for a second to show that like, oh, he's got a plan.

He's going to commit his parents to a home.

Cool.

Yeah.

His parents are like, oh, you seem a lot more cheerful today.

And he's like, yep, nothing

nefarious.

Did you just say normal?

I did.

I did.

Okay, bye.

Love you, mommy.

Also, hey, I know the three of you are goys, so I'm going to have to have you sort of bring me in here.

Do you guys get lawyers in places places that aren't your parents know that lawyer?

What?

Is that enough?

Okay, so I'll explain.

Goise in our audience and here on the podcast, take a knee.

See, the truth is, we hand down lawyers like family heirlooms.

You just, you're introduced to him at your bar mitzvah, and he does all your legal work until he dies.

And then usually his son is the next in line.

So just to be clear, I was very confused with this stranger danger lawyering I was seeing going in this movie.

Okay.

It's got to be tricky, though, because if your parents hand you down the lawyer, you got to wait for the son lawyer before you do the thing where you before you do this with Giroux.

Yeah, exactly.

I assume you do it for each other, right?

You help him steal his dad's stuff.

It's a generational thing.

Okay.

Yeah.

What's great about George's plan is that he's like, well, you could send him to the poor farm or George is like, I don't want to send him to the poor farm.

Don't you have some terrible insane asylum we could put them in?

And the guy is like, no, no, no, you don't want that.

That's that's some real nightmare shit.

And he's like, I mean, yeah, but I don't want to be at a poor farm.

You know what?

Just put him in the asylum.

Yeah, yeah, that will be the plan.

But before we get the official plan from Mr.

Greg Lawyer, we get to see Missy show up with

insane joker lipstick.

Let's pull that pin right out.

Listen, this is the craziest shit in the movie.

This was the best part of my life.

Not just because I stood up and cheered when I saw her.

My boyfriend came home and I turned this movie back on and skipped to that scene because he had to see it.

Sonny crazy with the lipstick.

And the movie will pretend it's not there as if it's the three old women in black.

It's not just the lipstick though.

She's also got like her eyebrows drawn up.

Okay,

I figured out what that was because that was driving me crazy because it looks like her eyebrows are like.

going just down into her eyes but it's not it's that she put on eyeshadow but also the eyeshadow extends up to her eyebrows she looks like divine with this.

Yes.

And she has this Cupid's bow lipstick.

It looks like she had the makeup gun set to whore.

It is

amazing.

I was so happy with this moment.

You ever see those like old ads for women's pads that are just like the silhouette of a woman?

That's what she's done to her own face.

We were talking about the eyebrows earlier, but have you ever seen someone who has like shaved off their eyebrows and then drawn them on and done a terrible job at it?

That's what she's done to her lips.

Like if you told me this actress was born without lips and this was her first appearance on camera, I would kind of understand the makeup choice.

Oh my God.

And they have this, they have this like explosive argument.

Like she, clearly, he's taken advantage of her in the past.

And he says something like, I'm just trying to give it to you straight, Missy.

And she says something like, you don't know what straight is, George Clay.

And I gotta tell you what, they call this foreshadowing.

Well, yeah, because then she starts throwing out all these things like, you know, when the lightning hit the tree and the forest, and we were in the barn and the hay loft.

And it was like, hey, hey, Missy, Missy.

Everybody knows that hand stuff in the lake doesn't count.

Okay.

Yes.

Okay.

I'm so glad you said that, Dave, because I literally wrote in my notes, Everybody knows fucking doesn't count after a tree gets hit by lightning.

Okay, this town is so clearly lost.

Like they're just talking about outright satanic witchcraft.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

And she says, because of that, she had to go all the way to the city, 1980 Schmashmorshan reference month?

Oh, yeah.

That's probably what that was.

Oh, yeah.

Because then he's like, well, we all know it's the girl's fault.

And again, what did I say about how this movie explains a lot about where we are now?

Yeah.

He says, the girl's the one who makes the choice.

And I wrote, how progressive of you?

Cool.

Yeah.

So Mr.

Greg Delaura shows up after like.

eight minutes.

He's drawn up all the paperwork that you need to lock up your parents.

He just needs to get the power of attorney.

George needs to get his parents to sign the power of attorney thing.

And if it's a legal signature, that's official because signatures are magical in movies.

Yeah, especially power of attorney, too.

That is a single form.

It is a now, to be fair, it is a large form, but once you sign the bottom of it, all the power of attorney goes to another person.

So you can do literally anything.

Yeah.

Now we know that this movie was written by Britney Spears' dad.

Yeah.

So from there, we see George and his parents, and he's going to trick them into signing.

Yeah.

If I can take everyone sort of behind the curtain here slightly, because there's this, it's so ridiculous.

He hands them like two checks and then the power of attorney form and they both fall for it instantaneously.

And while I was watching this movie, I was in Connecticut visiting my mom, who every time we picked up takeout food would check the receipt that I handed her.

So I was like, yeah, I don't think this would work for me.

But dad actually, he signs it, but he's a little bit suspicious all of a sudden because George just grabs the paper away too fast after the signature.

Yeah, exactly.

He screams, freedom.

Yeah, he's like, ha, I trapped you.

I'm selling this shithole and blowing town so I can dance at the pink pony club.

Also, maybe I just didn't notice it.

Maybe the lighting was weird or the makeup was weird in this scene, but both.

Did his cheekbone pop out of place because of his evil dude?

Oh, no, no, no.

It's a weird, he's got like a, every time we see him, because it's like a service station, he's got like a smudge of grease on his face.

And in this, in this one, it's just like in a weird spot on his cheek.

Oh, okay.

For some reason, because of the lighting, I thought that like he had lost a cheekbone in the war or something.

Also, this is one of the, some of the best music in the, in the entire movie, because it's like, it's banjo, but it's like, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb.

Yeah, nefarious banjo is definitely the cue here.

Also, when he says that he's leaving for New York, this is when dad says, you're you're going to be a Broadway boy.

Oh, yeah.

This is my best.

This is my best worst here.

I wrote my notes.

Eli, this is rough.

My note just says you can just say gay.

It's fine.

Broadway boy is quite the epithet.

Yeah.

I was really hoping he would become a Broadway boy and we would get to see that in the movie.

We didn't.

Oh my God.

If we had just followed him and his failed audition for the Book of Mormon on Broadway, absolutely.

Descent into podcasting.

My note here is that this is the weirdest version of our town I've ever seen.

Yeah, and that scene ends with the big pump fake of a slap from dad.

Dad like winds up and then stops and doesn't slap George.

Yeah, because he says to George, he's like, well, you're going to go be some lounge, just become some lounge lizard?

And I wrote, again, you just say gay.

Fine.

It's a real why-I-Ata moment.

So from there, we cut back to Mrs.

Fitch.

She sees someone maybe parked a wagon outside of her house.

She looks a little bit closer and then she screams because it's the Grim Reaper.

She looks out and then she screams.

And then like the shadow of the Grim Reaper like passes over her flowers.

And when it passes over, like they're all dead.

And then she screams even harder.

But that's what she's screaming about.

Not that there is a Grim Reaper come to reap vengeance.

It is that someone has killed her flowers.

It is.

It is.

Yeah.

I like that the Grim Reaper used the scythe for, you know, plant stuff for a second.

He He kills the plants.

She freaks out because, yeah, the plants are dead.

She goes out to check.

And then she gets killed, I think, by the children of the corn and pulled into the hellfire pit.

Not going to lie.

I love this.

I love this.

This is great.

Yeah.

Let me just take a moment to assure you, audience members, this is long,

long before special effects was the twinkle in Steven Spielberg's eye.

I promise you, a real lady was way too close to fire to make that shot possible.

They just dragged Edna next to a firepot used by White Snake the previous week at the local fair.

And I will say from here on out, I've never been to one of those like church hellhouses, but I imagine that that is the rest of this movie is like that.

Oh, that's what I love is I kept thinking about this is like this movie.

definitely has that vibe where you know you go to the you go to the church hellhouse instead of like the cool haunted house over you know across town and you get you get like led room to room by the devil devil.

And then like at the end, he's like, you thought you would smoke some marijuana at the party, but now you're in a gang and have a.

Yep.

He pulls up a chair, flips it around the other way.

Let's rap about Christ.

They're going to rap about it.

Yeah.

Everything that happens from here on out, it's just like people like, I mean, I wouldn't do this stuff, but I don't think I would hack someone's head off for doing it or drag them to hell.

Well, actually, poisoning a baby goat.

Yeah, she killed the goat.

She did.

She killed the goat.

She absolutely get dragged to hell.

100 words of a hellfire for sure.

Unity of purpose.

So now we're going to check back in with Mr.

Sharp, the banker.

He's doing just evil banker stuff, like having paperwork on his loans because that's evil.

And he talks to his teller guy for a second.

He's like, I counted all this money.

I'm leaving, but I counted it all.

Don't steal the bank money.

And the teller guy wants a raise and he refuses to give him a raise.

So he's an evil banker.

Yeah.

Mr.

Sharp, it's Christmas and Tidy Tim is so sick.

Yes, exactly.

He's doing a reverse Ebenezer Scrooge.

Yeah, this is also where he's just something like, oh, I got to work all day on this transaction.

And again, I was like, what the fuck kind of bank is this?

Why are transactions taking all day?

Yeah.

They don't have computers.

They don't have computers.

You got to run each number down the line by hand.

I'm telling you, this should take five minutes, Top.

So I mean, is Mr.

Sharp a bad guy?

I don't know, but he's terrible at his job.

He's terrible at bank.

He's very slow.

I don't think he's a bad guy.

The movie really wants him to be a bad guy, but it doesn't fit because they don't know what banking is.

I know.

They do pepper it every now and then where like his, his employee is like, oh, Mr.

Sharp, I'd love to have Sunday off.

And he's like,

the fuck out of here.

It's for kids and women.

Yeah, because he actually says, yeah, old women and children have Sundays.

And I wrote, whatever that means.

Yeah.

Got to get a side hustle, get an Uber driving job or something.

He lacks that grind set.

So then we see Mr.

Sharp driving to find Mr.

Morgan to check on Morgan's loan.

Mr.

Morgan is, I think, an Amish-looking farmer guy.

That's Elder Morgan, Daniel.

Elder Morgan, sure.

Yeah, okay, okay.

No, it's not.

See, here's what Mr.

Morgan is.

Mr.

Morgan, I think, is supposed to be like a rugged old timey farmer.

But what he really is, is he looks like a 12-year-old boy, put on his dad overalls and went out to play Amish farmer for the afternoon.

Again, it's that writer who thinks this is, he is Tom Jod, you know, from Greg's Arath.

Like this, the person who wrote this thinks they're Steinbeck.

Brewed on that beard and just got out there.

Steinbeck, Faulkner, Shakespeare, a lot of good stuff going on.

A lot of great influences on the ring.

So Mr.

Sharp arrives and he tells Mr.

Morgan to like show off the farm to prove the profit margin.

And the problem is we're looking at.

a farm that has a cash crop of, I think, unmowed grass and nothing else.

That guy takes him out back.

He's like, look out over here.

I'm going to take those trees down.

And I'm like, wait a second.

Let's talk about this crop for a second.

It appears that you grow crabgrass.

I was hoping he would take him out back and it would just be like acres of weed.

Just as far as the artist.

200 acres of coca plants.

You see these poppies, sir.

All right.

You know what?

Take that extension.

Right.

But like, to be fair to the banker, right?

He's like, don't worry about that loan I owe you.

I'm about to invest more money in different crops that won't be ready for a long time.

Yeah.

I mean, this is just his way of like, I mean, he's a little gruff, but he's basically like, hey, Morgan, I don't think you're very good at this.

Yeah.

Maybe get a different job.

Yeah.

Listen, this movie is trying my patience.

I have so far sided with a cop, and now I'm about to side with the banker.

Siding with bankers, yeah.

Because this guy, we don't like the whole thing is like they want you, they don't even really go into it.

Like, why is this banker bad?

I mean, like, banker's bad, obviously, but like, we don't know what the interest rate on this loan is.

That's a good point.

And, like, as we've seen, this guy doesn't grow shit.

Yeah.

And by his own admission, he's had a couple of hard years.

For sure.

But also, maybe don't give loans to grass farmers when the economy's all fired.

Oh, yeah.

I swear to God, he took that loan and he invested it in Iraqi dinars.

Yeah.

You ever hear a Nasara, Mr.

Sharp?

Yeah.

Sharp's bank is too big to fail.

I think that's a problem.

It's

systemic.

And to make us even less sympathetic to the farmer here, at one point they go to the farmer's ice house, right?

Yeah.

And he's like, hey, man, you have the only ice house in the county you could make a tremendous amount of money with this and the farmer's response is no damn it i'm a farmer his okay this farmer he talks like a villain in a bioshock game it's like every time he talks because he's not just he's not just like you know refusing the banker's good graces it's oh is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow, Mr.

Sharp.

You can reach into the soil and touch it with your, like, what are you doing?

Like, he says, all I ask is you give me the fruits of my labor.

And I wrote in my notes.

And also, don't ask me for the money I owe you back.

I wrote in my notes, there has to be a CNN crew just behind the camera for this movie waiting to interview this guy about why he voted for Trump and whether or not he regrets it.

He can't possibly make money off that ice, ice house or ice hut or whatever, because that's where he keeps his demonic cowboy.

Yeah, that is true.

Wow.

Spoilers, Dave.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm jumping ahead.

But that is true.

That is true.

Red-eyed GIMP is down down there.

So Mr.

Sharp says, well, you're an idiot.

You have until noon tomorrow.

And the implication is the bank is going to repo the farm at noon tomorrow, which is how nothing works.

It's fine.

Just a guy with a tow truck backing it up and digging it into the ground.

This farmhouse is one of several houses we're going to see that seems to have been built on cinder blocks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So we see Sharp driving away.

He's just whistling happily, being like, Lou, Lou, Lou, doing usury.

This is fun.

And then we see Mr.

Morgan trying to sell his farm at the last minute to some other guy, some rich guy in town named Jess Hill.

Yeah.

Now, none of this will ever matter to the movie because in the next scene, the banker's going to be like, no, backseas, that didn't happen.

But Mr.

Jess Hill, the reason to talk about this scene anyways, is that Mr.

Jess Hill does promise that his money will run like tobacco juice which i have to admit is among the more vivid metaphors i have heard in the last decade of my life

loudly spitting his money into a brass spittoon with like a cartoon sound effect yeah you can put your hands in your on my plants and in my soil yeah see it's that he's like that's a euphemism 100

what is he selling him is what i want to know that's the saying bonus for sure but mr just hill is not immediately on board but pretty quickly he's like okay i don't know uh we're gonna need rain.

And Mr.

Morgan's like, I'll bring rain.

And he's like, All right, deal.

I'll go to the bank tomorrow and set you up with some money.

All right, well, if you promise it'll rain again, this town has lost satanic witchcraft.

He's gonna do a spell.

Oh, okay.

It's also the way that he's the way the two of them are walking, and the way Morgan is staring into his soul is so unnerving.

He's like, the guy is just walking straight ahead, and Morgan is like turned fully, walking sideways, just deeply.

His eyes are boring into him.

Morgan's manner is so bizarre.

And then I love it.

Just to really, to really drive it home, they do a nice, nice and legal handshake deal.

Yeah, spit on their hands.

It's official.

Oh, no, no, no.

They don't spit on their hands.

That's why it's null in the next scene.

Oh, actually, yes.

Very good.

Good point.

Doesn't count unless you spit.

Yes, spit.

And they don't, crucially.

Good point.

So the next day, Morgan shows up at the bank demanding the money that allegedly Jess Hill left for him.

But Mr.

Sharp is like, yeah, there's no money for you.

We denied the loan for Mr.

Hill.

Okay, so to be clear, he wasn't selling his farm to a guy who had the money.

He was selling his farm to a guy who was going to take out a loan and then turn around and give him the money to pay his loan that he has already been unable to pay back.

Obviously, somebody was like, hey, wait a second.

Like, you guys realize that this is how loans work, right?

Like, he's got to pay the money back.

And they're like, shit.

So I guess we got to make Sharp a real bad guy here.

And that's what they kind of, they kind of flesh him out a little bit.

Cause up to this point, he's just a banker doing his job.

I mean, he's kind of a jerk about it, but like, I guess he's a dick, but like.

Is there any way I could just set up like a Kickstarter?

People can Venmo me money, like the national debt.

Is that how money works?

Yeah.

He's got to go on a fucking jubilee and just say some racist stuff and then fundraise on it.

Yeah.

Right.

So Mr.

Sharp announces that he denied the loan to Mr.

Hill.

So now Mr.

Morgan doesn't have the money from that other loan for his farm.

Whatever.

Mr.

Morgan gets mad and yells, you're a thief, which is not true.

And he tries to strangle Mr.

Sharp, but

he doesn't do it very well because maybe he tried it in a different take and he strangled him too hard.

So now he's like soft strangling Mr.

Sharp.

Oh, see, I think the problem is that Mr.

Morgan, the farmer, the actor, is a little small and Mr.

Sharp, the banker, is a little big.

And there's a, we watch both actors realize my hands don't fit around the thing you call a neck.

Either that or Morgan, Morgan went at him and then just like bounced off of him.

Yes, exactly.

So it's just a gentle hug, but then Mr.

Sharp pulls a gun.

Yeah.

It looks like a massage.

It's like, I'm going to strangle you, but well, let's do a little Alexander ticket.

A lot of attention, a lot of attention.

A line.

And he grabs the gun and points the gun at Morgan, but he just kind of reaches over, implying that the gun was just kind of laying on the counter.

It wasn't his gun.

It was just sitting there.

You know, before COVID, where you could just go to the bank and take free pens In 1920s, you could just take free guns out of that container.

When America was fantastic.

Yes, exactly.

So from there, we see Mr.

Sharp driving with the sheriff to go to the new farm that he's repoed in 12 hours because he owns it now.

And the sheriff is supposed to be helping him evict Mr.

Morgan, I guess.

Worst job in town.

The sheriff has got the worst job in town.

100%.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They call for Mr.

Morgan to come out of the farmhouse and Morgan's mad.

So he's got a gun.

He doesn't walk outside and like point the gun angrily.

He smashes his own window out from the inside and points the gun that way.

He's got a gun and a flare for the dramatic.

Yeah.

I wanted him to get a yes right away and have him be like, fuck.

The window is going to be expensive.

Should it should have yelled through the door.

He also, at one point, he's doing this like, ah, man deserves the rights of his blah blah blah.

He sounds like someone about to be arrested on on the on tick tock right i'm just watching cops drag them out of an airport i'm just i'm traveling sir i'm traveling i'm not yeah i'm traveling exactly i'm a fremen on the land you can't tell me not to i'm lowercase or uppercase or whatever he also just starts yelling non-sequiturs much like somebody being arrested on cops he says like my wife died of the influenza you can't tell exactly what i was about to say his first point is that his wife died of influenza yeah her body is out there in that old ice house that's why he doesn't want anybody going in it yeah Camera pans over to influenza in a camera hat that turns out to be a deputy sheriff.

Just does a big shrug at him.

And then it gets pretty dark and sad here.

Morgan fires at them angrily.

The sheriff keeps calmly talking.

They don't get hit.

And he's just like, come on, man, get out.

Morgan yells, he's not leaving.

And then Morgan backs away from the window and kills himself.

Bud Dwyer, baby.

Yeah, yeah.

Last words were, who is John Galt?

And the banker's like, oh man,

you got blood all over my new house.

He doesn't.

He backs away and he's just like, he must have been crazy to do something like that.

I was like, yeah, I mean, all you wanted to do was exploit the shitty loophole and steal his house out from under him, thereby robbing him of his humanity and his self-respect.

But I never thought it would come to this.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, now we're going to pick up the thread of George and Missy and lawyer Mr.

Greg.

So Missy is now with the lawyer, Mr.

Gregg, and they pull up to the gas station and also George's house, and they hear scared grunting stuff happening inside.

Yeah.

We got to get in there then.

Yeah, what is it?

They're like,

they're looking for George, obviously.

And it's like, yeah, it looks like he split town.

Couldn't resist the call of Broadway.

Okay.

So this is supposed to be the after effects of him getting visited by the Grim Reaper who we saw kill and drag to hell the old lady earlier, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, because we keep getting those little, like, those little flashes of the Grim Reaper.

Cause we never, the thing that kind of is the flaw in this movie is sort of claim that it's like a slasher movie.

We never really see this.

We never really see the Reaper do anything.

He's just kind of like lurking.

It's like they had that actor for like an afternoon.

Hey, hey, they made this movie on $5 in a dream.

They are not doing any of that in the light.

They also have like one second per Grim Reaper shot because he's dripping with oatmeal off his face.

And that's like, oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Listen, this is South Carolina in the summer.

It's hot.

Yeah.

Okay.

But what I didn't understand is like, what happened to the parents?

Are the parents in the old age home and now they're taking him to the asylum because he's crazy because he got punished by the Grim Reaper?

Or were the parents sitting in a different part of the house being like, well, you know, that Grim Reaper fella came by and made our son crazy, but hey, at least he tore up that paperwork.

Am I right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, no idea.

He's, is he the only one who doesn't die?

Because we are later led to believe that he also died right yeah because at the end okay we'll get there but but yes his appearance at the end of this movie is very puzzling yeah because no he's just crazy also he's like raving mad in front of like a there's a little table has a little coffee mug full of just dirt in it

i admit king leer madness is not exactly a desirable future but you know there are lots of mentally ill people who live uh fruitful wonderful lives some of them are on this podcast

they could play baseball.

Yeah, it's exciting.

Make America healthy again.

So you remember Mr.

Kaler, Harvey Kaler and his wife Ruby and Kenny?

Yeah, we're going to pick up their story now.

We're back at Kaler's store and Mr.

Kaler is grabbing the company checkbook to make a purchase in the city.

And he's telling Kenny about it.

He's going to buy a gift for Ruby.

Oh, he's really, he's really evasive at first.

And I'm like, I swear to God, he's going to the city to buy drugs.

It's more of that cryptic kind of double double speak where he's like now now now kenny it's not that kind of trip and i thought yeah he's going to get some of that sweet sweet bareback sex

no but he's buying his wife a giant ruby and he he takes kenny into his confidence he's like now you're in charge tomorrow i'm never afraid to leave things in your hands and i wrote in my notes because i know you'd never fuck my wife kenny that's That's why I trust you with this business.

Every time Kenny's in scene, he's like wringing his hands together.

He's like, yeah, you you know, your wife needs all taken care of.

I think I could take care of her for you.

Yeah.

Smash cup.

Not the affair happening.

Yeah.

Yes.

Right.

Well, sorry, not the affair happening because we get a really long Kaler's wife dancing hustly.

So the 1980s, thinking about 1920s version of hustly.

Oh, she's just a modern flapper.

Got to get her flap on.

What I love about this scene is that she's supposed to be by herself and dancing, you know, like everybody does who doesn't do that.

But you can tell that there are clearly lots of other people in the room because she keeps making eye contact with like somebody behind the camera waiting for them to say cut you can stop dancing now or whatever you're doing yeah when people ask me by the way what heath does in the house he lives in without his wife this is what i picture i picture him in a flapper outfit i get it i sometimes dance by myself that's actually the only time i ever dances by myself

i used to play monkey in the middle by myself sometimes you don't know i have a very full life so much room for activity.

Anyway,

we're getting off track.

Kenny shows up at the house here and taps on the window.

Mrs.

Kaler, Ruby turns off the record player.

And

at this moment, a Foley clarinet player takes over from the music that was on the record player.

Oh, yeah.

This is, yeah, this is like old-timey stuff.

So like, you don't get that like smooth jazz funk, like porno music set up.

You get Dixieland.

Yeah.

And he walks in and they're going to have their little flirty moment.

And then I think this is where it's implied that they have their affair, their sex here.

Oh, 100%.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yep.

We get a nasty, nasty kissing scene between these two people who just do not want to kiss one another.

And then we cut with none else of sex.

We just cut to post-sex.

They're having drinks upstairs in the house.

And at this moment, this was fun.

I enjoyed this.

Ruby is giving a very like awkward speech to Kenny about not trying to steal her husband's store.

She's just like, yeah, Harvey sucks.

And like, we're fucking, but like, he earned it.

Harvey earned it.

We're just having sex.

Like, I earned it too.

I fuck Harvey sometimes.

And she says, Harvey's skin smells all musty.

I've earned this too.

Also, they're wearing the same clothes that they were wearing in the last scene, which makes me wonder, like, did they fuck with their clothes on?

She also keeps emphasizing the weirdest syllables in all this.

She'd be like, he earned it, Harvey did.

Yeah.

Okay, but this is when Harvey shows up.

He drives up and he's got a big Ruby ring for her.

For Ruby.

Yeah, for Ruby.

And he confronts them.

Yeah.

How could you do this to me?

I enjoyed it.

He confronts them and he's like, aha.

Also, I throw this ring at you.

Oh, I missed.

Fuck.

Bam.

Fuck.

But aha.

Yeah.

And for a second, Ruby tries to pull this off.

She's like, oh, Harvey,

I just got you this copy of the ethical slut.

It's going to get violent in a moment.

And I put that in quotes.

Violent is a little bit.

It's going to get violent-ish.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We get, we get what's supposed to be, in, I'm sure, the director's note, a face slap, but it was like a face ah, push.

It is sort of this.

So this is my best worst.

And he sort of comes at him.

Kenny comes at Mr.

Kaler real slow, like.

And this is sort of like when you see fights in movies, they're, you know, punching and kicking and all that.

This is more like what a real fight looks like.

Yeah.

And he just sort of goes for his face and like brushes his face a little bit and then pushes him over the couch.

Yes.

And then, of course, Mr.

Kaler dies with my best worst, this noise.

Aw, beans.

I'm dead.

No second takes.

Yeah.

No fucking second takes for this one.

Right.

So they decide they're going to make it look like an accident.

And I was like, okay, I think it was an accident, though.

So like their new plan is to stage a different accident.

Yes.

I wrote in my notes.

I mean, he tripped and fell in his house.

That seems like a great accident.

Yeah, that would have worked.

But no, they're going to carry Harvey's body out to the car.

And then Kenny puts him into the driver's seat of the car and lets the car roll into what I believed was going to be like a pond or something.

Yeah, the old Ted Kennedy special, yeah.

Sure.

Exactly.

Little chap aquidic.

But no, he rolls Harvey's body and the car into a...

a dynamite pit that was there.

Yep.

It explodes like that car was full of Mr.

Kaler and 100 pounds of dynamite.

We also get our only sound effects of the movie so far.

It goes kaboink, kaboink, kaboom.

It's like they were next to the Looney Tunes guys at lunch and they were like, you using all those sound effects today?

You got any extras we could use for our horror movies?

I'm glad you went there because I was going to say, Eli, you have a note that just says kaboink kabong.

Can you say more about that?

Yeah, that's the noise of dynamite.

Apparently, Harvey had a dynamite pit.

Kind of came back to bite him in the ass.

We'll see how it goes with the cover-up.

But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell.

What the fuck happened to Reverend Cage?

What the fuck happened to George Menendez, who clearly wanted to murder his parents?

Go fuck yourself.

Yes, when we return for the whatever's left of a day of judgment.

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All right, Eli, thanks.

Okay, so you guys don't want to do the cold plunge?

No, I think we're good.

All right, I'll go empty the ice cube trays.

How many ice cube trays do you have?

A lot.

I bet.

And we're back.

When we left off, Kenny exploded a corpse and a car,

which made all that stuff evaporate, I guess.

So, Kenny goes back inside the house, and Ruby is already out on the plan of the cover-up.

Okay, so here's what's so crazy.

I don't know why he thought Ruby was in on this from the start.

We've watched them have three scenes in the first scene.

They have sex.

In the second scene, he's like, Someday I'll have all this.

And she's like, Hey, man, I don't like you like that.

We're just fucking.

And then in this scene, he's like, I murdered your husband.

We're in this together.

And she's like, No, man, watch the movie.

Yeah, somehow they go go from like a handshake to him being like, remember how we were going to kill your husband together and I was going to take over his life?

And she's like, what?

No.

No.

I just wanted to fuck you.

God.

And this is where Kenny tries to flirt somewhere.

He tries to have a little, you know, post-manslaughter sex.

And she's like, no, no.

No.

I think you

are literally holding my dead husband right now.

Maybe, maybe wait.

15, 20 minutes.

I read it wrong.

I read it wrong.

So now we cut over to Mr.

Sharp and he went back to the new farmhouse that he owns that has suicide blood everywhere to just hang out and check out his farm.

I wanted him to just have a big bucket and a mop.

Well, better sooner than later before it soaks into the floorboards.

It's like cat piss.

Yeah, once it gets into the wood, you're never getting it out.

You're never getting it out.

That's what I've always said about cat pissing and suicide blood.

So

he's excited about making money on this ice house.

So he checks out the ice house, but then the Grim Reaper shows up.

And locks him inside.

Right.

He gets locked inside the ice house.

And then we find out that the Grim Reaper has like an intern with red eyes doing like the wet work.

Oh, that's Elder Morgan.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because you could tell by like the hat.

Oh.

And also the glowy eyes.

Because he had glowy eyes before?

What do you?

No, well, no, I don't know.

It's the hat.

You can tell by the hat.

Also, not going to lie, love this shot.

Oh, God, it's so good.

Yeah, it's like the end of the the fog when Captain Blake comes like out of the shadows

down to the church.

Yeah, yeah, precisely.

But, you know, it's cheaper.

Oh, so this is like the demonic ghost of Elder Morgan getting revenge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Elder Morgan gets his revenge.

Yeah, that tracks.

Okay.

I'm glad I'm here to guide you through this.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah.

Okay.

So it's at this point that the movie realized, oh, shit.

We're all out of movie.

Yeah.

Who did we introduce in the movie?

That guy who

was beginning fuck.

Yes, Charlie.

Yeah, because all of a sudden, like it just yanks to the right and like we're in an entirely new plot thread and we are so far away from this Charlie character that I was like, who the fuck is this guy?

I didn't know who it was at first either.

Yeah.

This is also where we go from people making poor choices to someone being so maniacally insane.

Like this is like.

like a Batman villain insane.

Yeah.

This guy has an elaborate plot that he's doing.

This guy, Charlie.

He hates the guy he was staring at in the newspaper.

That guy's name is Sid Martin.

We're going to learn that Sid is the president of the company that fired Charlie.

So he has a grudge.

And Sid Martin might be trying to steal Charlie's wife, Grace.

Okay.

I do have to talk about one moment from this because he's expositing all of this to us when the scene opens.

And this was almost my best worst.

I went with the death noise, but this was almost my best worst because he does a little space work here where he gives the newspaper of Mr.

Sid a drink, where he like takes the bottle and pushes it into the newspaper that's in his hand.

Oh, yeah, he like points his gun at the picture.

He's like, take a picture of his wife and like put it up to the yeah, he's like, You're gonna kiss.

He's like, Now she's gonna kiss little kids' Barbie doll kiss.

It could not be silly.

It's obvious this actor did not plan any of his space work, and he was like, What if I make a picture's kiss and then give the Ryan Gosling on the TV his series?

No, okay, next scene, Grace, Sid, Sid, Grace.

They're not kissing.

But he also accidentally hits the lampshade on the table and it is like violently shaking for like a good 25 seconds.

It's all I could focus on.

Right.

So Charlie is going to do his elaborate plan here.

He sneaks into the office of Sid Martin, the president of the company, and he starts looking through a bunch of shit.

He looks at the calendar.

He looks in the file cabinet.

I thought he was doing like corporate espionage or something.

It was pretty confusing especially because he starts typing a letter here too oh yeah i mean talk about confusing i thought like i was like is sid the lawyer guy from before like

who are all of these people all of a sudden yes why would we assume that there are totally new characters involved in a totally new like crime drama We just watched an old lady get dragged to hell and a banker get attacked by an ice house ghost.

And here we are on, you know, espionage and intrigue.

Yeah, it's like they shot an entirely different movie, and we're like, oh shit, right, we could probably use that one in the day of judgment.

Yes, that's what I think happened.

I think they like thought this was going to be a crime thriller and they were like, shit, we actually only shot 20 minutes of that Charlie Goes Bonkers movie.

Hey, do you want it for the end of your 50-minute long?

Can we do nine other things?

Maybe kill a goat?

Great.

Yeah, let's do it.

So he types a letter in the dark in this little office that's going to be part of the elaborate plan.

Then the next day, we see Sid arriving at work, and Charlie is sitting in his car outside the office to confront Sid.

Well, he's got a gun.

He pulls a gun on him and he says, get in, Mr.

Wife Stealer.

Oh, no, this is also where he was like, we used to be friends.

What's wrong, Charlie?

And he was like, ah, that's the way it always was.

I was always getting shot in the ass while you were all fucking other people's wives.

And I was like, what?

What is happening?

Who are these people?

That is a very specific backstory that we have together.

I got to know.

Like, I used to used to see this.

They don't do this anymore, but you used to see that where they'd be like, some kid would get shot with like a load of buckshot, but it was like rock salt.

It was rock salt.

Yeah.

And I'm like, does that used to happen?

Because

it seems like getting shot with anything, especially in the ass, is going to require some surgery.

Yeah, a lot of my Monkey in the Middle games ended with like rock salt ass

in the ass.

Now, listen, I played a lot of Monkey in the Middle myself.

Never got shot with buckshot.

Check your privilege.

You see,

the thing about guns is that it's more the speed of what's coming out of it, not so much what it is.

Yeah.

You can load it full of jelly beans and it's still gonna hurt.

It was always like a wistful thing that they would do in these movies that took place during like the Dust Bowl era.

And it was like some old, cranky old man like shooting some kid in the ass with rock salt.

I remember that.

Yeah.

I think when Trump finally fascist takes over the whole government and starts attacking civilians in the streets, he should shoot nerds' gummy clusters at us.

That'll be fun.

It'll be a delicious death.

Right?

Right.

Okay.

So correct me if I'm wrong about this insane, elaborate thing that's happening.

So Charlie says, get in, Mr.

Wife Stealer.

And then Sid is like, yeah, okay, sounds cool.

Let's talk about this.

He gets in the car.

We cut for one second, literally one second to people inside Sid's office area just being silently mad.

And then there's more arguing in the car.

And then Sid is like, oh, wait, that's ring.

That was my cell phone.

I have a meeting inside.

And then we cut inside.

And there's this other businessman who's mad that Sid is late for their business meeting.

Do I have this right so far?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Art of the deal.

Art of the deal.

Okay.

So Charlie's holding Sid in the car at gunpoint to make him late for his meeting.

To delay a meeting.

Yeah.

See, it's all coming together.

It's a lot of moving parts.

Okay.

Yeah, but it works.

It works.

Mr.

Gelman is like, Harump, Harump, he is five minutes late.

This deal is off.

Yeah.

What if he had shown up to work early that day?

What if he had showed up 30 minutes early to make sure he wasn't late for his meeting?

Was he going to hold him there for the full 30 minutes?

What if the guy had walked by and been like, hey, are you ready for the meeting?

It feels like there's so much that could have gone wrong with this vengeance plan.

Charlie got really lucky about this plot.

Yeah.

Yeah, he really did.

That's how you know it's what God really wants because it all falls into place.

Everything he does to Sid in this movie, with the exception of shooting him 20 seconds before the end, feels like a prank war that Noah and Heath would have to explain to me.

We're not allowed to do anymore.

Right.

So the business meeting is getting delayed.

That's going to fuck up the business of the business, whatever.

Then we cut over to Grace.

This is Charlie's wife who's maybe leaving him for Sid.

She finds a bottle in the closet, like a bottle of alcohol, because Charlie's an alcoholic and he hid it there.

And she finds a photo album that she's going to take with her because she wants to leave.

He's an abusive alcoholic.

Yes, but she's not leaving for Sid.

She's leaving because Charlie sucks.

Yes.

She just come back for the photo albums because he didn't suck that much.

She wants to remember the good times, I guess.

No, the wife stealer thing is all inside of Charlie's head.

Yeah.

I really wanted her to open up the photo album and it's just her just like trying to do normal photo album stuff while Charlie's drinking and plotting elaborate revenge plans.

Yeah, it's really, it's not just that Charlie's a drunk.

It's that Charlie also is experiencing some like old-timey madness.

Like this is just,

honey, honey, can you put down the yarn and push pins so we can get one picture just one time?

He's got, yeah, he's giving me like a quicksilver in his hat band or something like that.

You got to take health advice from ChatGPT about your salt intake to go this kind of crazy these days.

They've been talking all about this methylene blue.

But yeah, he comes home and she explains that he's lost the ability to love because of the liquor.

liquor I wrote in my notes.

Heath, I have a theory.

Okay.

All right.

So now we get a little bit more explanation of how this insane prank is working.

Sid Martin is on the phone talking to Mrs.

Allison, some other business associate.

Charlie sent that letter that he typed, apparently, to Mrs.

Allison using Sid's letterhead and, I guess, forging.

the signature and sent it to the rest of the committee of business leaders, business, whatever.

And that's going to kill all the deals.

And all of this could be resolved.

All you used to do is be like, oh, yeah, someone broke into my thing and they sent you the thing.

That's why the letter says, like, I don't want to do business with you.

Also, you're a big stupid face.

Cause he's like, and it also said very unkind things.

It's like, just say, hey, some crazy guy did that.

Let's resolve this now.

He could, but he never says what's happening to anybody.

The sheriff is like, hey, is there anything weird going on?

He's like, no, why would you suggest that?

No, well, signatures are magic.

He has power of attorney also.

So this is all real.

And all the business people are like, yep, he's crazy.

We're squashing the deals with Sid Martin.

And then we see just for a second, Charlie driving away from this office and he does a little finger gun.

You're like, haha, got him.

Yeah, and it results in a car chase, the world's slowest car chase.

Yes.

I loved this car chase so much.

With an accompanying banjo soundtrack.

It's like a Dukes of Hazard break.

It looks like them Duke boys are getting themselves quite a pickle pickle this time.

Yeah.

I wrote in my notes, everyone is driving car 1.0, so they're going three miles an hour.

They're being outpaced by a turtle passing by.

Yeah, they get to the top of the hill, they pop it into neutral, and then they push.

And that's whoever gets to the bottom.

It's like a pinewood derby.

Yeah.

I was in those a couple of times.

Never won.

I was mad.

Anyway.

Did you get some rock salt in the ass?

That's how a lot of my stories end.

It's true.

Don't jump ahead of me.

So the random speed trap happens next.

This car chase was actually part of the elaborate prank by Charlie.

What was the speed limit back then?

Like five miles per hour?

Yeah, I guess.

So they have that car chase for a second, and then Sid gets pulled over by the sheriff, who was known to be there by Charlie.

Yeah.

And the sheriff says, you can't be driving around like some Barney Oldfield.

And my note is anybody?

Anybody?

Who the fuck is Barney Oldfield?

Yeah, I was was hoping that the olds on the podcast would tell us who the fuck Barney was.

Barney looked it up.

Barney Oldfield was a very early race car driver, but I only looked it up today.

Yeah, he shot me in the ass with rock salt one time.

As the resident old, no clue.

I had no idea.

It was the war to end all wars, you see.

I had an onion tied to my belt.

We were all aiming for Heath's ass with whatever ammunition we could.

We had to punish him somehow for being the fattest monkey in the middle of the nation we've ever seen, causing the Great Depression.

So we see the speed trap thing happen, and then Sid gets back to the office, and it's revealed that Charlie was doing a prank.

Charlie's just waiting there with a big smile, and he's like, haha, speed trap, gotcha.

I bet you got a ticket.

Oh, and he's leaned perilously back on his car.

This is a deep, deep lean.

Yeah.

Okay.

And we learn a couple more important, weird steps in this very large prank.

30 barrels of white wine.

Yeah.

That's the

one.

Sid is just getting owned by this drunk so hard when you have to invest that much money to buy 30 gallons of whitewash you are on board for like you're deep in this now oh i know i just know i'm going back i was gonna say i i don't know whose side i'm supposed to be on in this movie because at this point i hate everybody

you're on the sheriff's side sheriff that goat those kids maybe the grim reaper Yeah.

So you might have heard us say 30 barrels of whitewash just now.

What the fuck was that?

Sid goes into the office here.

The secretary's like, you better get to your appointment.

You're late.

And then we learn that also 30 barrels of whitewash have arrived.

And that doesn't make any sense.

And apparently Charlie did it.

I wanted to hear Charlie from the outside be like, ah, whitewash, pranked out.

Yeah, I can't dig it.

Okay.

Can I lay a little of the blame for the whitewash on the secretary here?

Because she says she saw the order with his signature on it.

But like, unless this is a whitewash distillery or some other kind of business, I feel like you would flag when your boss buys 30 barrels of whitewash.

Oh, she sucks at this so bad.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, if my boss, a true crime podcaster, was like, Oh, by the way, could you also get me 30 gallons?

I'd be like, Could you say that one more time so I know what

you to clarify the instruction here?

Yeah, are you tasting burnt toast right now?

Yeah, shut up.

It said there's the signature on it.

We're just doing it.

No questions, please.

Whitewash.

Yeah.

So that happened.

And then we see that Sid drives to Charlie's house to go yell at him about this insane series of pranks that's been happening.

Oh, right, right, right.

Because he's like doing the, he's like, yeah, monologuing with that, like, that real southern draw.

Can't understand a fucking word these guys are saying.

Yeah, I couldn't understand a thing any of them were saying.

Like, because a lot of this is clearly shot in the south, but like a lot of them are just like kind of close to the Mason Dixon, except for Charlie.

Yeah.

Who's just like,

what?

So Sid shows up, knocks on the door angrily, wants to confront Charlie.

Charlie's inside, just smiling and drinking a little bit.

And Charlie calls the sheriff, who shows up in literally five seconds.

This town has three buildings that the sheriff has just been going around in a circle dealing with emergencies in the last 48 hours.

Right.

And this is where we get Charlie gaslighting Sid so fucking hard and gaslighting the sheriff so that the sheriff hates Sid and Sid's kind of going nuts.

Yeah, the sheriff at this point, he's just like, I don't care who did what.

You people are terrible, every single one of you.

Yeah, the sheriff makes Sid go wait by his car.

He talks to Charlie for a second.

Charlie explains that like, no, I, what are you talking about?

I resigned from this job.

And then this guy, Sid, went crazy.

And like, I haven't done anything wrong.

Sheriff walks over to Sid and is like, hey, I heard that Charlie resigned and you're being weird.

And he's like, no, no i i fired charlie what are you guys talking about this is crazy yeah and then he's like no i just called i talked to your secretary she read me the letter and it's like i'm the one who fired him though i don't care what the letter says and the sheriff's like okay well i'm not gonna arrest you sid but you got to get a hold of yourself you're ridiculous and sid is like you're part of the deep state i don't know what's happening this is crazy This conspiracy goes all the way to the top.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

So that night, Sid walks out of the office and Charlie is waiting outside and he's got his gun out.

He's like, get in the car, you drive.

Yes.

So again, just Charlie really needed perfect timing for every element of his plan, right?

If the sheriff had checked at the office, if he had not gone back to his office, Charlie just would have been waiting there all night.

Fuck.

Probably went home to his house.

God damn it.

I don't know why I assumed he would go back to work.

It's the end of the workday.

Yeah.

But he got lucky.

He got lucky.

Right.

So he gets Sid in the car and then they go and they pick up Grace.

Grace gets in the car too and they drive out to a field.

This is where the movie gets really dark.

Yeah.

He just murders the both of them, but they also walk out of the visual field of the movie, which I kind of enjoyed.

Like we literally watched them walk out of the part of the movie we could see.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The next part is like, did it really need to go here?

Because like you were really winning on this.

Like you were getting one over on this guy hard.

Like you can just go get another job, man.

And like

feel good about screwing this dude over.

This is just one too many pranks also i feel like if you're doing a whitewash esque gaslighting plan you kind of ruin it at the end by shooting someone in the chest right

yeah like if moriarty was like and then mr holmes i will kick you in the ball

but just as he murders them thunder strikes and musked up face guy shows up 25 minutes late i wanted him to be like panting hands on knees and he's like I'm sorry, I really wanted to see what the fuck Charlie was doing.

I got engrossed.

Yeah, I have to.

There's a lot of character threads.

I'm having to like really just run back and forth all of the time.

You guys, all right, you're next.

I had to put a farmer, you're next, you know, ice house.

I have to admit, this the sheriff really drops the ball here.

The one time the sheriff drops the ball, like you could have stopped a double homicide, but you were just a little too exasperated at this point.

Look, he's got to deal with so much

in this.

I get it.

Goats are getting poisoned.

You know, things are going to fall through the cracks.

That car exploded.

Right.

So they get murdered and then we check back in with Kenny.

He's leaving the Kaler's house and then Ruby from inside screams because there was a figure in the window.

And of course, it was the Grim Reaper.

Okay.

The best way I can explain it is this.

You ever get told by someone, hey, please clean this area.

And in the first part of the day, you do a really meticulous, beautiful job.

You're like running a razor blade along the caulk lines of the kitchen to make sure that every inch of dust has been taken care care of.

And then it's 2 p.m.

and you realize the person's coming back at 2.30.

So you're just like, fuck it.

I'll just push all these dishes.

I'll throw these dishes into a garbage bag and then I'll drive out into the country with them.

That's what it feels like Skullfaced Guy is doing in the last 40 seconds of this movie, right?

He's like, oh, fuck, I forgot to take care of that couple.

They're lightning powers.

I hit them with lightning while they're in the house.

And then the house just bursts into flames.

The house bursts into flames.

And then we see Charlie leaving his murder murder scene.

He hears something and he runs into the woods.

And it's like the Law and Order theme song is playing.

Like,

right.

We hear a little Law and Order and he runs into the Grim Reaper.

He's like, oh, hey, hey, Grim Reaper.

And he tries to shoot the Grim Reaper with his gun.

Oh, God.

I was hoping that the Grim Reaper's magic would make like a little flag come out of the gun at the end that just said, bang.

Or what if it had worked?

Right.

What if he had just been like, ah, you got me?

Fuck.

Shit.

But no, you can't shoot the Grim Reaper, it turns out.

So instead, Charlie gets beheaded.

I was

off my feet clapping when this happens.

It's pretty fun.

I said beheaded, but he gets befaced.

Like just the front of the face gets chopped by the side.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is the one bottle of ketchup they were willing to spend on this movie.

It's pretty great.

It's pretty great.

And now we watch all of the sinners that we have watched in this movie get Disney slow moving rided to hell.

Yeah.

Even Greg.

Yeah.

They're on a walking tour of hell, right?

Like the Grim Reaper is, and he's doing that thing where he's like, okay, but people at the back need to come a little bit closer in, guys.

I'm not wearing one of those speaker things around my legs.

But he does tease them a little bit with a little shot of heaven.

Right.

Yeah.

This is the Grim Reaper.

just like speedrunning the ending like like Eli was talking about.

He summons all the unresolved characters with the clock running down.

And then he kills them like it was like Michael Scott roasting, but for Grim Reaper killing, he's like, okay, Kenny, adultery, boom, roasted.

Ruby, also adultery, boom, go to hell.

And so he's got Charlie, Kenny, Ruby, Sharp, George, and Mrs.

Fitch.

They're all going to get Grim Reapered.

But first, they see a bunch of pillars and light, and they all think maybe they're going to heaven.

Yeah.

But then they see hell.

The Reaper's like, oh, you like that?

Heaven looks really nice.

Like you'd like, maybe want to be there.

Suckers.

Idiots.

That's how you do a prank, bitch.

and then we see hell and hell looks like the cover of a yes record

right so they go to hell and they they have memories of all the bad stuff they've done as they get banished to hell here i guess but then they all wake up from the nightmare it was

every single one of them does the sit straight up out of bed thing i felt so bad that noah missed this movie oh i god i was so pissed.

Yeah, this was weak.

I don't know.

The scream that George lets out when he wakes up is hilarious.

So now they've all learned their lesson in that speed run by the Grim Reaper.

Mrs.

Fitch is going to stop poisoning goats, I suppose.

George is going to stop stealing his parents' house and committing them to asylums or homes.

Bank guy.

Sharp.

Bank guy is going to

give away money, just give it away and not ask for repayment.

You just do whatever you fucking want with that money, I guess.

Yeah.

Ruby's going to not let her fuckboy kill Harvey and she's not going to help with a cover-up of that.

And then we see Kenny and it's just like, yeah, Kenny's going to go fuck himself.

Whatever.

Oh, and Charlie, of course, will not do very elaborate gaslighting conspiracies anymore.

Yeah, Charlie, just Charlie just going to a meeting, getting his one-day chip.

This isn't nearly as exciting as what I was thinking.

It's been three days since my last last elaborate gaslighting conspiracy yeah and then everybody goes to church together boo yeah oh god but i want to talk about the revelation at the end of this scene right because what we are expecting the new priest comes and he mounts the stage and we're expecting skull face guy right oh right because when he when he walks in we don't see him from the front we see the skull face guy we see the grim reapers costume like walking in all like slow walking and then he like makes his way up through the pews and everybody's like like

you know recoiling and then he turns around he's just like some dude yeah he's normal which makes the gasping make no sense it also means that there's no payoff to the thing and then he does like a full ass three minute boring sermon where he's like all right let's all turn to page 12 in our hymns and that's the end or as the movie credits calls it the beginning.

Oh, yeah.

And then before it even rolls the credits, it rolls the 10 commandments.

Oh, yeah.

And the first time that I watched it, it took me that long to realize that all of these people were commandment breakers

oh it took me today i learned just now from you the seat

to be

this is why you brought me out this is why we bring green i'm gonna hold your hand through a day of judgment i also missed that were there even 10 of them or 12 i mean how many

they did the truncated ones that they started doing in the 50s where they combined the twos to make them into 10.

okay Did you think back and realize that did they actually violate a commandment each and get in trouble in their nightmare?

There, I see.

I spent some time thinking about that.

I was like, Well, what about like the first commandment?

And then I was like, Oh, shit.

Okay, the banker banker doesn't let him go to church on Sundays.

Yeah, his God was money.

And you know, right.

So, yeah, because he said all the mammon shit, right?

Right.

Okay.

Well, 10 commandments.

That was the moral of the story, I guess.

12 reduced commandments to 10.

Yeah.

Who do you think was the biggest sinner?

Like, who deserved the Grim Reaper the most?

Goat, killer, Miss

all the way all the way she i i being dragged to hell and then burned in the pit well it was too good for her yeah okay honestly heath the fact that you had to ask makes me want to shoot you in the ass with rock salt okay again and i know i say that every week but this week i mean it and i hope we keep it in bottom right the whiteboard man yeah remember what happened last time all right well that's gonna do it for a day of judgment But that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we found another terrible movie for next week.

So Eli, what's on deck?

Well, Heath, it's been too long since we've dived into the crystal blue waters of anti-evolution bullshit.

So we'll be taking a refreshing dip into the anti-scientific bat shittery that is God of wonders.

Ah, the intelligent designer.

I bet they're going to talk about Swiss watches.

That'll be fun.

The irreducible complexity of the eye.

Guaranteed.

So with that to look forward to, we'll bring episode 520 to a merciful close.

Huge thanks to Dave and Brian for joining us.

Much appreciated.

And if everyone wants to hear more, where should they go?

You can find us at Bring Me the Axe horror podcast, wherever you get podcasts.

We do it every week.

It's kind of a rotating thing.

We've also got a show called 99 Cent Rental, and we do an alternating thing.

You know, Bring Me the Axe is obviously horror movies.

99 Cent Rental is fundamentally the same show, but for like sci-fi and martial arts and all kinds of crazy bullshit.

You can find us on Instagram at Bring Me the AxePod.

We got a Patreon at Bring Me the xpod uh where we got a we got we got an x-files show that we do over there as well it's like you know we talk about x-files episodes and like half of it is us kind of laughing about 90s headlines so yeah beautiful and as i understand it you really get into like the nuances of global monetary policy a lot of intellectual stuff oh yeah yeah yeah it's it's it's heady stuff you know bring a sniffer of brandy with you you really want to put on airs Fantastic.

And of course, a big thanks to our Patreon donors for all the generosity.

If you'd like like to help support the show, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful, and that'll get you early access to an ad-free version of every episode.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Atheist, Citation Needed, The Skeptic, and D ⁇ D Minus, available in all the podcast places.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodAwfulMovies at gmail.com.

Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our theme songs were written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Lee with Giraffes on Mars.

All other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week.

For Dave, Brian, and Eli, I'm Heath.

Promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the American Graffiti Clothes.

Greg married Missy and learned over time that there were plenty of other guys around town who also left Broadway on the down well.

Charlie only drinks socially now.

After attending the premiere of this movie, the entire cast and crew finally understood why you never hire a strike man to do hair and makeup.

Skeleton face guy had an incredibly busy night in DC ahead of it.

Charlie only does elaborate pranks socially now.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

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