514: Animated Book of Mormon, Episodes 3 and 8

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So, yeah, and and but they get to this big fucking sea, and they're like, okay, now what, Smarty Pants?

And he's like, well, the Lord's got it sorted out, I'm sure.

What we're gonna need is a fleet of

drum roll, please,

submarines.

Submarines!

Hey, Eli, Eli, how tight will the submarines be?

Tight as a dish, baby.

Tight

onto a dish.

Yes, sir.

God-awful

movie.

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian cinema because NASA still won't take me.

I'm your host, No Illusions.

Heath is unable to join us today.

He's doing married shit.

But sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick.

Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir?

Mormon Movie Month.

Mormon movie month.

In fact, Mormon.

Yes.

And also joining us this week is the most maliciously websited of all our regulars.

She's the host of Talk Nerdy.

She's an Emmy-winning TV personality, and she's somehow still on speaking terms with Eli.

She's Kara Santa Maria.

Kara, welcome back.

And don't forget, former Mormon.

Yeah, that's right.

This is how I got Kara on the show for the first time.

This is how we lured her

all those years ago.

We were like, hey, it's just once a month.

This is this one month.

We're doing a thing.

So tell us, Kara, what will we be breaking down today?

So we watched animated stories from the Book of Mormon.

We watched two episodes, both A Journey to the Promised Land and The Brother of Jared.

Mostly I just had flashbacks from my youth.

So thanks for the memories, guys, and the PTSD.

Yeah, right?

We blame the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for a PTSD.

We just triggered it.

We didn't give it to you.

Exactly, yeah.

And Eli, how bad was this movie?

Well, if you loved following along with the shenanigans of Nephi and his clueless brothers, but you wish everyone had the memory of a goldfish and the morality of their author, you will love this movie.

This is the, really, you're trying to kill him again part of the Nephi story.

It sure is.

And

the end again part of the Nephi story as well.

All right, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst hat?

Ooh, I'm going to go with best, worst, veiled.

That's heavily in quotes.

Anti-Semitism.

Oh, whoever could you mean?

Wow.

Jesus Christ.

I'll give you half a shekel.

That's the actual line.

That is the actual line.

Yeah, no.

We would have bleeped it.

Hey, I didn't do the nose.

I mean, come on.

That's true.

Not yet.

We're on camera.

He did do the nose.

He's wearing a prosthetic since we got on, everybody.

All right, Bradley Cooper.

Come on.

So, but I was going to, I'm actually going to stay in the exact same scene that you're in, Kara.

I'm going to go with best, worst babble.

Right.

There's a point in this movie where a bunch of white guys are asked to speak in random foreign languages, and it goes as well as that tends to go.

It sure do.

It sure do.

I'm going to go with best worst call forward.

Nephi uses his magic powers at a certain point, and I don't want to spoil it because we'll talk about it when it happens.

But Joe was getting high on his own supply.

Boy wasn't he, though.

All right.

Well, if we don't approach this episode cautiously, it will sink further into the earth, just like the buried treasure Joseph Smith told gullible farmers he could scent on their properties for a living before he became a prophet.

So we're going to take our time, but we'll be back in a minute with all the hat wisdom that is the animated book of Mormon.

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Damn, this is hard.

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Oh, hey, Noah, I'm trying to trying to help Kara be a super famous therapist, but she won't let me help her with cool quips for TikTok.

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All right, guys.

Thanks.

Oh, hey, how about what's inside is the outside looking in?

Really, Noah?

It seemed like fun.

All right, everyone.

Welcome back to the Writer's Room for Animated Book of Mormon.

Yeah.

So you guys will remember our last two episodes.

We did the story of Nephi and the plates, and then

that dream he had that one time.

And since then, we've gotten some feedback that viewers would like something with a little bit more action this time around.

Ooh, well, how about Nephi's journey across the sea?

You mean the one about the time he got in a boat and sailed across the ocean?

Yeah, that's the story.

Yeah, and his brothers try to kill him, and then God punishes him, and then they repent.

Well, yeah, but that's

I mean, that's exactly what happened in the first episode we did about Nephi.

What is?

His brothers attack him, God punishes them, and they repent.

People want a new and different story.

Right.

I mean,

there aren't new and different stories in the Book of Mormon.

Yeah, you know what?

You're right.

Let's do the boats.

So, how about for the episode after that?

Ooh, what about the time Jared used a boat to sail across the sea?

Hey, folks.

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CAN is a non-profit dedicated to reducing harassment and abuse through ethical education and a system of restorative accountability.

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And now, back to the show.

And we're back for the breakdown.

We're going to open up on three different fucking title screens, right?

But we land eventually on fucking Journey to the Promised Land and Land of the Bountiful.

I think they were settling an argument between two of the writers with this, right?

But we opened on Nephi writing in his plates with a fucking Bic pen, apparently.

Now, if you've forgotten in the like, whatever, year or two since we've done one of these, Nephi will be dressed as Tarzan throughout this entire fucking thing.

Yeah, they were really going for, this is just like Hercules, kids.

We promise.

Yes.

Yeah, I was struggling throughout both of these because we'll get to it.

But I was like, when was this?

Or when are they making up that this was?

And I found no lies.

So I went down to my bookshelf and got my childhood scriptures.

They are brown, leather bound.

They have my name engraved in them.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

I've got my Book of Mormon Doctrine and Covenants and Pearl of Great Price.

That's in one book.

The other book is the Old and New Testament King James Version, which apparently at some point as a teenager, I put one of those C D stickers that says parental advisory explicitly.

Fuck yeah.

And they're all cross-tabulated.

All my old like highlights in them.

And

I found inside of one of them a big bookmark that is dated.

Yes, it's copyrighted.

Ooh, where's the copyright date?

Oh, copyright 1989 by the corporation of the president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

That's the fucking year that this

not the first one, but the second one that we, the second cartoon was made.

That's crazy.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

And so it has the timeline.

It's called the Book of Mormon chronology chart.

So then, yeah, I would love to see what kind of bullshit they managed for that.

Here, let me give you the chronology for this perfect word of God.

So, according to them, Lehi, because I was like, first of all, where are they?

Are they like in Fiji?

Like, I was like, what's going on?

Yeah, right, right.

The Fiji portion of Israel.

Yeah.

So Lehi is in Jerusalem

in the year 600 BC.

Sure.

So that's why he looks like Tarzan?

Yes.

That's why he is dressed like fucking Tarzan.

Okay.

So just so that we know, everybody, take us back to the year 600 BC.

This is Nephi.

This is Lehi.

This episode came out July 10th, 1988.

So Mormon Movie Month is apropos.

And go.

There we go.

Right on board.

And we should also point out, too, like the animation in this movie is a bizarre mix of very good and very bad.

Yeah.

Right.

Because like any individual still, if I pause this movie, you could you could mistake this for like a contemporary Disney flick at any moment, right?

But once you see those

stills put together, right, and the like proportions of the faces start moving around amoeba-like on the screen and shit, like fucking Nephi's jaw gets bigger and smaller relative to his head.

Then you're like, hey, what the fuck?

Fuck is happening here.

So, and that, and that's throughout.

Like constantly, you'll just be like, it'll almost be good enough to fool you.

And then like, you know, something will have to leak through the boat.

And you'll be like, nope, nope, this is cheap bullshit, isn't it?

Yep.

Yep.

It's okay.

So Nephi is, he's writing in his golden plates and his daughter is like watching over his shoulder.

And she's like, hey, are we at the promised land yet?

Where in the story are we?

Where on,

point to the place on Kara's bookmark where we are.

Yeah.

Hey, dad, I'm pretty bored.

What?

Where in the story are we?

Yeah.

Well, and what's helpful is, I don't know if you guys noticed, but where did we watch this?

It was some like scripture.

LivingScriptures.com.

LivingScriptures.com.

Yeah.

I have a yearly tradition with yearly scripture, living scriptures, which is I subscribe for one month under a fake email for the free month.

And then they call me about a month later and they say, hey, we noticed you canceled all your free subscription trial was going on.

Why?

And I say, I have a movie podcast that makes fun of Christian movies, and that's what I use your service for.

And then there's a pause and they go, someone mentioned that there was a podcast.

This is the greatest thing ever.

We'll see you next year then.

Yeah.

They almost always have a child calling me, which is why I don't do anything like gross or mean because it's always like someone who's got the best mission assignment ever.

It's like, hi, I'm here on my 16th birthday.

And I'm like, okay, here we go.

And as we'll see later, they don't really give a shit about child labor law.

No, they do.

No, they do not.

It's part of their scripture.

But what I love is that, you know, how usually you can pick, I watch things with subtitles because I'm a millennial, of course.

And usually you can just pick like English, Spanish, whatever.

But here, they have one called English Scripture.

Yes.

And they just tell you the actual book and verse.

So that's what I did is I read along in my book of Warm to see what was actually in there and what was, you know, creative licensing.

Oh, there you go.

Karen saw how much research Marsh did on our bonus episode where we all did tarot together.

And she was like, I'll show you.

You can do research on your own.

So yeah, So, so the little daughter's like, hey, where are we going?

And he's like, let me show you.

So, he goes inside his tent and he goes inside this like fucking pirate's treasure chest and he pulls out the Leah Hona.

Oh, yeah.

Golden compass.

Which, like, do they call it that in here?

Because I just kept reading.

I think it was compass.

They used a different word in 1 Nephi.

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know.

The Leah Hona is

what this is called by like the sort of the, or in the, in the Book of Mormon, it's referenced as the lehona it may not be referenced in that part of the scripture ah okay carrie you don't know it but you're watching a marvel movie with us right now

we are pointing at a character in the back right corner and being like he's actually shadow's brother and he originally appeared it's like that but with significantly more child rape

jesus christ so yeah but but but i do think like because i if i'm not mistaken the lehona is introduced early but it gets its name late because it's all like you know as joseph smith was making the shit up right?

So oh yeah, he's just, yeah, because this is like right at the beginning.

First Nephi is the very first book.

So yes, exactly.

Yeah.

I think they just call it like a compass or I'm trying to find it here.

Blessings, Lord, came to pass, came to pass.

It came to pass.

Oh, fruit and honey.

Yeah, whatever.

I'll find it eventually.

So we flash back to Lehigh Vine and the Leah Hona.

And I love this moment because they just, he blinks one time too many as he's staring at it, just one time too many so that it's hilarious.

So he stares at that for a few seconds.

Then we go back to Nephi and he explains to the kids that it'll point the right direction as long as everybody's faithful.

And they're like, well, it's pointing towards the fucking ocean.

So are we being unfaithful?

Right.

Right.

They have no idea how they're going to cross the ocean.

And he's like, if only I had a boat to stare at long enough to figure out how it worked.

Oh, yeah.

So Eli, this is the point in my my watching where I realized that my boyfriend is you.

What?

Yep.

I started dating a you.

Oh, no.

So he's sitting next to me and immediately googled who wrote the screenplay for this and proceeded to teach me all about Orson Scott Card.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

I know.

Like, I, and I noticed you guys didn't even talk about that.

Did you cover that on another episode?

So, Orson, I don't think we have talked about the fact that Orson Scott Card wrote most, if not all, of these animated Book of Mormon episodes.

It's my favorite fun fact.

This is the guy who wrote Ender's Game.

Yeah, it's the Ender's Game guy.

Yeah.

And he won like a Hugo and a Nebula, but also he's the great-great-grandson of Brigham Young and he doesn't like the gays.

He does not like the gay.

So the way he is the elder millennial version of J.K.

Rowling, yes, right?

Like when young people are like, God, it's so disappointing.

Like I realize it's ruined the whole series.

And I'm like, pull up a chair and let me tell you the tale of Orson Scott Card, who wrote an open letter to the newspaper about how gays victimized children while I was waiting for his next book to come.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

Oh, it's rough.

Rough times.

So yeah, so we wrap up that little opening and then we cut this little boy.

Now, this is Jacob, the youngest of the five brothers.

He's in a tree gathering berries the hard way, right?

When beneath him, his dad Lehi and his evil brothers, Laman and Lemuel, show up to argue about the next step in their journey, right?

Where the Leah is taking them.

Right.

And it's important to remember, in case you haven't been following along, that these brothers who are about to turn on their father and they don't believe he is being instructed by God, they saw an angel 33 seconds ago.

Yes.

It's also important to remember if you don't follow the lore, and this is me barely remembering.

So maybe you guys who have done deeper dives can like mansplain the religion I was raised into me because in this case, it is.

I've never been happier.

Well, it's completely fair because they don't really teach it to the women, just to be clear.

Like when we're young, they're like, yeah, just bake a cake or something.

We'll like, the men are going to talk.

To be fair, last time someone explained the story of a Book of Mormon to a woman, it was Martin's wife and she ruined it forever.

So like, so Layman and Lemuel,

the brothers of Nephi, are, well, first of all, Layman, he's ethnic.

Well, he's getting more ethnic as we go.

Yes.

Yeah.

And so so he ends up being sort of like a Satan character, right?

Like he's like the evil brother and he ends up being a kid.

He's the father of the layman.

Yeah.

Right, right.

What the fuck happens to Lemuel?

Don't remember.

I think he gets killed in one of the wars.

Oh, okay.

I can't remember for sure, though.

So don't quote me.

So, so layman literally looks in these drawings like Jafar in Aladdin.

Yeah.

Like that's what he's doing.

Like a more problematic Jafar.

And then Lemuel, for some reason, is like a fat white guy with like a really whiny voice.

Yeah, they certainly seem to be going for five different races with the five sons of Lehi here.

It's strange.

Like, what is their depiction of Lemuel?

No, you don't get it.

Barry.

Eli, you do the voice well.

Yeah, they're all supposed to start out white and delightsome.

I think the animated series is just getting a little ahead of us here.

So, yeah, but the brothers are arguing.

They're like, we don't want to follow Nephi.

Dad is like, we're following God.

And he wanders off.

And the brothers are like, the evil brothers are like, hmm, we're going to have to take care of that, aren't we?

Now, the whole time, of course, the kid in the tree, Jacob is overhearing all of this, you know, unbeknownst to the plotters.

And Jacob is also a brother, right?

Yes.

He's the youngest of the brothers.

Yeah, this is confusing because Jacob's about the same age as Nephi's kid.

But I think this happened a lot when polygamy was like.

all the rage, right?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, when the marrying age of your children and your soon-to-be wives were the same.

It was really, really mixed up family dynamics.

Yeah,

so but with the kid in the tree, Jacob, he runs out.

He's got to go tell Nephi.

And I'm like, I feel like you would tell dad, wouldn't you?

With him wanting to kill him.

Can I say what's so weird about this scene?

So he goes to Nephi and he's like, Nephi, are we going to fight them?

And he's like, no, we will not fight them.

We do not want to fight.

And this

is not in the Book of Mormon.

No.

Yeah, there's a lot of stuff not in the Book of Mormon.

Yeah.

They just added a bunch of stuff.

I don't know why they added peacekeeping to the Book of Mormon.

I mean, Nephi already just sits there getting kicked in the nuts for most of his origin story.

I'm not sure why they added a pacifism subplot that we didn't need.

But it gets, it makes it even worse than that, right?

Because then it's also him not doing anything about it, right?

Because Jacob runs and he's like, Nephi, Nephi, they're going to kill dad.

And then Nephi's like, ah, layman is always, I'm going to kill dad, this, I'm going to kill dad, that I'll pray about it, leave it with me.

And then he just doesn't do anything.

Yeah.

So when they attack him, it's just like he all the more had it coming.

Yeah, he literally is like, I've got this, and then proceeds to not got it.

Like, no, I'm cutting ahead.

But his solution to this is build a boat.

Meanwhile, I'm like, they could have just killed the dad in any of these montages.

Right.

He doesn't even warn the dad.

Yeah.

No, he doesn't even tell his dad that his own sons want to kill him.

At this point, he might as well call Chuck Schumer's office and ask Chuck Schumer to do something about it.

So yeah, but so he goes to pray and God says, go to the mountain.

And I'm like, I feel like you got to be more specific than that, right?

Yeah, I think there's only one mountain on that island.

Are there islands in Jerusalem?

I'm so confused about where they are.

So yeah, so he goes up the one path on the one mountain.

And I guess this is a thing where like God is sick of coming all the way every time.

He's like, meet me halfway.

You go up the, you know, he goes up the mountain to get a better signal and he prays again.

I Google mapped there's a Denny's halfway between heaven and you.

Let's meet there.

So, yeah, but God tells him to build a sailboat.

And he's like, I don't know how to do that.

And he's like, well, I'm going to, I'm God, man.

I'll help you out.

And he's like, well, I don't, I don't have tools.

He's like, you don't have tools, man.

I'm God.

I'm going to help you out.

Okay, but I really sympathize with God here because you ever doing something where you're going to do all the work and someone starts asking like really long questions that have long answers and you you kind of just want to be like, that's none of your concern.

Yeah.

So, okay, then we're going to get the first of our two back-to-back montages to the same song.

Okay.

This one, it's so stupid.

It starts with him finding the materials like you're doing a fetch quest in a video game.

I wrote he's at the start of a Minecraft run.

Yes.

Yeah.

Right.

He finds the ore, just a pile of ore.

Oh, yeah.

He needs the ore to make the tools.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, at first, he has to sew together tiny squares of cloth to make the bellows, to make the fire, to melt the ore, to make the, yeah.

And so we watch plant the wheat.

This is the point where I literally wrote, let's hope he can smelt this ore and make these tools to build a whole ass boat before his brothers do a murder.

Yes.

Right.

Well, apparently they're out there smelting a sword or something to stab dad with.

So they're tied right now.

Yeah.

Flash cuts over to the factorio protagonist.

This is nothing.

You hear me?

Nothing.

Right, but so this montage goes on.

I wrote in my notes, like, man, this montage damn near has a part where like Nephi and God spray each other with a water hose while they're washing the car, doesn't it?

But ultimately, he makes his tools and he goes to cut the tallest tree in the forest to start his boat with.

And then

his other brother, who we haven't seen in the episode yet, shows up and he goes, I'm also in the episode.

Let me help you cut the tree.

And we're all

the good brother.

But I didn't know who he was yet.

Right.

I thought that he was just a helpful fellow wearing a t-shirt under his leather toga.

Well, he was.

He was.

I was confused.

But and he also, like, there's some like real, I mean, maybe I'm just, I don't know if I'm just reading into it, but this is Sam, Sam, right?

Yeah, this is Sam.

So Sam and Nephi have some like kind of vibes.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Big kind of vibes.

It wasn't just me.

Okay.

No, there's some Lord of the Ring romance going on here.

Okay.

So here's the thing about the Nephi character here is that the person who has some vibes with Nephi is the person who's animating this goddamn movie, right?

There is nothing that they spent more time and effort on in this animation than Nephi's rippling muscles.

Everything else, they just kind of half-assed or whatever.

But anytime it's time to show Nephi's abs, there are eight of them.

You can stop and count them.

All the ropes are way too authentic.

Bondage knobs whenever he sighs.

why would the brothers hang him upside down like that just

drew the ropes right and so sam i think is just our analog within the movie you know so all right but so now they've got most of a boat right and layman and lemuel are like this is stupid making a boat is stupid you're stupid and he's like no the lord told me to make this boat And layman's like, well, I'm not putting my family on it.

We're, in fact, going to attack you.

Yeah.

We're going to murder you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because that's, that's how we fix things is with murder in our hearts.

Well, exactly.

Right.

He goes, I know you're planning to kill father.

And then he delivers the line.

He goes, not until we kill

you first.

Like he's trying to get a point, right?

Like he's trying to get a fucking point in an ad on our fucking show.

Well, the actor very clearly wanted to go, not until we kill you, but the line is not until we kill you first.

And so he tried dramatic pause before first and it didn't work.

Yeah, exactly.

I fuck, I got another word.

Damn it.

Damn it.

So Nephi, he powers up, right?

He starts, he holds down.

He's got a Jesus aura.

Yes, right, right.

He like holds down X to power up his attack or whatever.

And he goes, if God wanted to, he could turn this entire ocean into dry land.

I could do that with my God powers.

I just would rather

build a boat, I guess.

Yeah.

having fun with the boat.

And then they're like, well, we're not convinced.

And he's like, really?

Because I'm glowing.

And they're like, yeah.

And And they're like, and you saw an angel in the last episode.

They're like, right.

And God's like, fuck it.

Use your force push.

Yeah.

And he uses his force push.

This is my best worst.

This is the foreshadowing.

So, Kara, I don't know if you know this, but when Joseph Smith was trying to escape the jail, when he was shot, right before he was shot, he tried to use his magic powers on the people who shot him

very famously.

Like the story of Nephi.

He did a little too much drinking of his own Gatorade and he was like,

and they were like, pip, pip.

And then he died.

Yeah, because

magic's not real.

Yes.

Well, the other, okay.

So the other theory on that, and I hate to throw cold water because that's so fucking amazing.

But the other theory on that is that he was trying to do like signs of like Freemasonry or whatever that would like signal to the people within the group that he was one of them or something like that.

But yes, he was doing magical hand symbols as he shot Ruin Ray or the other.

Either way, he was doing a mime when he did that.

Yes, exactly.

Exactly.

It's amazing.

It's a funny assassination to think of, regardless.

So, yeah.

So the brothers are now very apologetic, you know, and they're like, Oh, we're so sorry.

We will never do that again for like three or four days.

Three more minutes.

Yeah, exactly.

God, it's just, it's just that over and over and over, right?

The whole fucking, yeah, that's that, all, the whole book of me,

the whole book of Mormon.

Yeah, and this is like a conversation that Steve and I have a lot on the SGU, where we both agree that when we're watching films, the laziest plot device is when just the fuck-up keeps fucking up, and that's what moves the story forward.

And that's all this is.

Right.

Because it's written by a guy who'd never read a fucking book staring into a head all day as he's thinking of it.

Right.

And he's only got this one idea.

Yeah.

It's just fucking tedious.

So then we get our second montage.

The last one was making the tools.

This one is making the boat.

This one's just hammering wood.

Yep.

Okay.

I know this isn't really worth mentioning, but I do have to talk about it because it made me so happy.

Did it sound like the guy singing the song wasn't sure if he should be singing the same song during the month?

I think what actually happened is that, like, the sound was a little warped when they translated the VHS to the DVD, to the digital form, whatever this is.

But what it sounds like is him being like, you and I

in the moment again?

Yeah, really.

We just did this one.

What is this?

The fucking Cantina in Star Wars or something?

You just didn't want another number?

Oh, yeah.

This is this is such a weird line, too, because there's like, there's nothing I can't do doing it with two.

And I'm like, there's like 15 people there, right?

Yeah.

So there's also, they reprise that line with doing it with you.

And I'm like, wow, you guys are not hearing the double entendre at all in this doing it song, are you?

I sure aren't.

No.

But yeah, so we get this amount of times.

Now the whole family is all building the boat together.

There's one moment where like the kid brings a bucket to one of the guys who's working and he just dumps it over in his head.

And both Eli and I wrote in our notes, I think that was like for everyone to drink, you assholes.

And like, like Kara says, all of as it like it pans over the boat, everybody's just like hammering a random spot in a beam.

Yeah, they're just hammering on very much so.

Yeah, there's no, no, right.

They're just like weakening the structure of the boat the whole time.

There's, I also, I had to capture an image of it too.

I had 12 minutes, 31 seconds.

There's a great MC Asher moment where the guy's standing on the bottom of the boat and hammering this beam that would be like 40 feet above his head.

Oh, I thought he was floating.

Oh, he might be floating.

That's the other option.

He does appear to be floating.

Yeah, no, it's also possible.

Yeah, this is also where Layman is like not working.

He's just getting a massage.

Like 15 different times, they cut to the same animation of him getting a massage.

Yeah, and they think that they're doing a bit, right?

They're like, it's a callback.

And we're like, no, you're just using the same animation, you lazy fucks.

We see what you're doing here.

So yeah, but they build the boat and then we watch them load the boat.

Got to see that.

Watch them haggle with the moving company.

Yeah, Jesus fucking grace.

But finally they launched the boat, Soraya, the mom.

She's going to be very sad.

She sure will miss the old world.

Do you think Soria was just him making up like Sarah?

Yes.

But making it sound like he's like, oh, that's a biblical name.

How do I change it?

Sounds like biblical, huh?

Right.

Yeah.

Well, so the entire Book of Mormon, though, the through line, because we read through the whole Book of Mormon on Scathing Atheists years ago, and the the real through line is that he just had no ability to come up with good, proper nouns when he needed them.

And so every name is Flergen Schnurp.

Oh, yeah.

He knows a lot of that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

So, well, we need now to pause long enough for Layman and Lemuel to forget that their brother is magical.

So that'll only take a minute or two.

And then we'll be back with even more of the animated Book of Mormon.

Hey, Kara, what's the matter?

Yeah, you seem kind of down.

I don't know, guys.

I guess revisiting all this Mormon stuff makes me kind of bummed.

Like, I was so close to being trapped in this belief system, just pumping out kids and cooking dinner every night.

It's really scary that this is what my parents, like, wanted for me, you know?

Yeah.

But Kara, that would never happen to you.

You think?

I know so, because you would order Factor.

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You know, it feels like you guys don't even see me as a person.

What

I said it sounds delicious.

Right?

Does.

Yes.

We'll kill you, brother.

Nobody tells us what to do.

Layman, Lemuel.

It is I, your God.

Stay your hand and do not harm Nephi, for he is my servant.

Forgive us, Lord.

We will not do it again.

Very well.

Seriously?

What the fuck was that?

What was what?

You kicked him.

Oh, we didn't.

Dude, I'm literally God.

Okay, I was checking.

Check what what were you checking?

If you meant this, Nephi.

right?

You could have meant any Nephi.

Okay, so you

thought I came down here to tell you not to kill a different Nephi than the one you were killing?

Yes.

Okay, well, I do mean this one.

Don't kill this Nephi.

Yep, got it.

Totally understood.

Seems obvious in retrospect.

All right.

So I'm going to go back.

Seriously?

Measure twice, cut once.

That's not what that means.

Or is it?

No.

Oh.

That's practically the fucking move.

And we're back for more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the gang at sea, having a little after-hours dance party.

Yeah, and I was so excited because this is always, I love Christian movie code for evil, which is just fully clothed dancing and swigging unnecessarily out of the same liquor bottle.

Yes, right, right.

Yeah, we see Layman's wife dancing up.

We see Lemuel so drunk that he kind of wants to dance the shit out of Layman's wife.

Ooh.

Somebody's drumming with chicken legs.

Yep.

Yep.

Debauchery, absolute debauchery.

And then fucking Nephi shows up to be the bad guy from Footloose.

Yeah, he's such a wet blanket.

He's like, you guys are having fun.

Stop that.

Right.

You're not righteous.

Yeah.

Look, it's easy to judge Layman and Lemuel for how often they want to kill Nephi, but Nephi is so fucking killable, right?

He's just constantly asking to be murdered.

Such a piece of shit.

Yeah.

He's like, God will only guide us if we're righteous.

And they're like, you know what?

It has been days since God intervened directly on his behalf for the second time.

Let's attack him.

Okay.

Tiny moment I have to talk about.

When layman slaps Nephi, again, I know it's just a mistake in the animating.

He becomes animated a shade darker.

And I was like, oh my God, is he going to get darker every time he hits it?

No.

no, it's just bad color correction.

Yeah, so they tie him to the mast, they slap him around.

Dad comes out mid-mutiny, and they're like, Hey, if anybody pisses me off, I'm gonna throw him overboard.

And I'm like, He's tied to the mast.

It would take you a minute, I feel like.

Well, he's really good at those knots.

Well, yeah, clearly, yeah, right, right.

No, we see a lot of like, how tied up is Nephi right now?

How tight those ropes are bound around his forearm, yes, exactly.

Yeah.

But just then the Leah Hona stops working.

Yeah.

And a storm like brews on the horizon and layman fucking cackles in case it wasn't clear enough.

Yeah, he might as well get struck by lightning and be like, coincidence, not a big deal.

Happens to the best of us.

What we're supposed to believe here, and this is true, of course, to the Book of Mormon story, is that God's like, oh, you're going to fuck with Nephi.

Well, I'll sink the whole damn boat then.

I'll kill his family and him.

Right.

The storm starts hitting, and dad is like, Layman, you have to take down the sail.

And he's like, Don't tell me what to do, Dad.

Go.

But he does.

He takes it down.

And Sam is trying to hold the tiller, but he could barely hold on.

And Nemuel falls from like eight stories.

And he's just like, sad is all.

It's great because like nothing happens.

They just, there's a storm and then they let Nephi go.

But even the folks who made the 22-minute Book of Mormon animated episode knew that wouldn't fill an episode.

So they're like, well, what if a bunch of stuff almost happens?

We could fill a cartoon with that.

Yeah, exactly.

What if a bunch of things that happen?

All this shit is added.

None of it's in here.

I was looking.

It's just there are iniquities and then they tie him up and then there's a storm and then they untie him.

Like there's a scene where Nephi's wife comes up to try to untie him.

That's not canon.

Yeah.

They added that.

No, and also, like, not only is it not canon, but it's, it's really poor.

Like, this is the part where the animation falls apart the worst, right?

Like, anytime they have to do wet, you really see how bad these animators are.

The water, like, that's supposed to be coming in through the seams, the tears in people's eyes and everything just looks fucking ridiculous.

And we like linger here for minutes and minutes and minutes because they've got nothing else in their fucking story, right?

But what is in the story, they didn't put in the story, it says, wherefore they came unto me.

This is when they actually finally untie him.

Wherefore they came unto me and loosed the bands which were upon my wrists.

And behold, they had swollen exceedingly.

And also mine ankles were swollen.

And great was the soreness thereof.

They weren't swollen.

I didn't see anything.

I guess they couldn't figure out how to animate swelling.

Where was the four-minute montage of Nephi being like, we don't have any of those special socks, do we?

They dedicate a whole verse to it.

They have more time on that than they have on the storm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, yeah, but in the story, like, we're three days into the storm, right?

We cut to three days later.

We're down in the decks below, right, where everybody's hunkered down and shit.

And Layman's wife is like, oh, the baby's going to starve because he's so seasick he can't eat.

And everybody's like, yeah, man, sure wish your husband would stop being a fucking prick and pissing God off.

Yep.

Right.

So then little Jacob decides he's had enough.

So he's going to go out and give Layman a what-for.

Apparently, Layman and Sam have just been holding on to the tiller for three straight days now.

I mean, it gets to be four.

It's the fourth day that they finally untie him.

Oh, I guess it is, right?

So, yeah, they're into the fourth day now.

So they start yelling at Jacob.

In his anger, Layman knocks Jacob off the boat in the storm.

Now, luckily, Jacob grabs a rope as he's flipping backwards off the side of the boat.

And he's, you know, so now he's just being drug along, and Sam goes to rescue him.

And they have this exact exchange.

Sam says, hold on.

Jacob says, Sam, I can't hold on.

Sam says, try, Jacob,

but do it.

Orson Scott card, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah, but do, though, is this fucking counter.

And then he's like, help me.

And I'm like, what is the fuck do you think he's doing with the rope, man?

Fucking lasso tricks?

So, yeah.

So, but then at that point, they bring Jacob back up and they're like come on layman cut him fucking free it's been we're on the fourth day it says in the book you can cut him free on the fourth day so he does yeah and that not only does the storm clear but it becomes daytime all of a sudden as well yeah you're saying that God is satiated decides he isn't gonna kill everybody's family and everybody emerges and they're all very happy yep So the next day we get Jacob, he's waking up and there are gulls everywhere because

they found land.

And we get one of these great moments.

And we've seen this a million times on God Off of Movies.

One of these moments where, like, everybody's trying to

woo-hoo, and they're trying to, like, they've got like six actors trying to sound like 50 people.

And one guy's going to get a very distinct woo-hoo that he does three goddamn times.

Yeah.

The animation of this point of the story, because you could, they are counting down to 22 minutes.

At this point, they might as well be telling their story like they're stalling while someone sneaks past the guard.

Just like, and then they lowered the mizzen mast.

Yeah,

and then

the plank.

So, wait, at this point, they've reached land.

Somebody, again, please explain to me the history of the religion of my people, the very new religion of my people.

Is this America?

Yes.

Were they still somewhere in Israel?

Okay, so the promised land, they have made it to America now.

Yeah.

Because this is where the Nephites and the Lamanites eventually will become Native American in like indigenous tribes.

Well, only the Lamanites, the Nephites will die out.

Oh, right.

And yeah, and they're still pure and white.

And it's a punishment.

It's not like they, yeah, right, right.

Yeah.

Yikes.

But so this is the promised land.

They sailed somehow from Israel to America.

Yes.

Yes.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

It's going to get worse, but yes.

And like, in like four days?

Well, you know, there were a lot of days.

There was a lot of coming to pass that they skept for the purposes of the

yada yada yada.

But yeah, but they arrive at the new world.

Nephi is the first that thinks to like, you know, kneel down in his righteousness and thank God for getting them safely across and everything.

But everybody follows suit eventually.

I wanted the brothers to attack him again.

Wait, there's something amazing here.

So before he starts writing in the plates, right?

Because this is the end of 1 Nephi.

There's a verse.

I'm so sorry, you guys.

I know it's so fun to hear me read from the Book of Mormon.

And it came to pass.

that we did find upon the land of promise as we journeyed in the wilderness that there were beasts in the forests of every kind, both both cow and the ox and the ass and the horse and the goat and the wild goat so there were domestic goats huh in the promised land and horses where there were

no people according to them no at this point yeah that's that's their that's their contention yeah

god joseph smith was really stupid oh my god there's a point Kara in the first fucking book where he's able to make a sword.

Nephi is able to make a sword because he studied a different sword.

He looked at it long

to figure out how it was made.

That's how he figured out how to make iron.

Yeah.

So, okay.

So that's the end of that episode.

And now it's time to move on to the next episode, but we're using Eli counting.

So we actually are doing the eighth episode of the series.

I was so confused here because it literally says the animated Book of Mormon, episodes three and four.

And I was like, Eli, this is not episode three.

So the reason that we are doing it in this order is I'm going through the chronology of the Book of Mormon.

No, you're not, though.

No, you're not.

This is ether this is the last chapter yeah this is no i'm going through like the chronology no but this goes back to 2500 right so then this would have been first if if if we were actually going by the yeah but that was confusing

yeah right yeah there's a lot of math to figure out why how i really i think you just we're into boats yeah right right

i wanted a boat game well i i know exactly why we we did this one but we're not gonna i'm i'm not gonna spoil it just yet.

But first, okay, so this is the brother of Jared, right?

We're going to learn the story of the Jaredites.

Stay with me, Exmos.

Don't spoil it for the fucking people who don't know.

Don't you fucking spoil it.

So, okay, so we're going to start off with a kid learning all about the honey trade.

Hey, hey, guys.

Admittedly, I don't know anything about how ancient honey harvesting went, but I feel like

put honeycomb on stick, spin stick, so that the honeycomb, honey stuff all comes out with centrifugal force is that how it works i mean that it feels like that would have worked so yeah probably how it works probably i just don't i don't know i don't know i couldn't correct it it looked silly i wanted to make fun of it but i could be wrong yeah i'm i'm same same this was so okay so so just for everybody i guess we're not spoiling it but for those who are following along with their personalized volume of the book of their engraved mormon at home

and because remember if you don't know this you get the the old and new testament with your book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants and Pearl of Great Price, because they are all cross-tabulated.

Right.

Yeah.

Like, yeah, like the indexes all go together.

So this is a Genesis story that's connected to the, quote, Jaredite record in the Book of Mormon, which is detailed in the book of Ether.

Yes.

Not Esther.

You think it says Esther.

No, but no.

No, it is Ether.

And it will put you to sleep at the same fucking rate.

Yes.

The best thing, the only good thing I can say about Ether is that it's not Alma.

So,

and oh, we should also point out, so at the beginning of this, it's all bees and shit.

So, that buzzing sound that triggers Eli so bad is just all you hear for the first 27 minutes of this 28-minute movie.

It's just so much beats.

Super fun.

Who is the kid, by the way?

Like, this is a weird scene because the kid is saying to his mom, I'm too little to work.

And she goes, If you're old enough to know you're little, you're old enough to work.

And I was like, Well, that's

a fucked up lodge.

Mormon ethics.

Yeah, buddy.

Jesus.

Yeah.

And, but, yeah, but this kid has nothing to do with anything in the fucking movie.

I guess that they, like, it's like, it's a, it's a cartoon for kids, and they think that they need to have a kid character to be the, the, the viewer analog in it, I guess.

Well, and also, we are, when you're raised in the church, like as a kid, as a girl, at least we were called the beehives.

Yeah, right.

Like, that was the thing.

Like, Mormons just like bees a lot.

Yes.

Yeah, exactly.

They like to see bees as a symbol of Mormons all working together in the hive or whatever.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And like milk and honey.

They use that.

Yes.

Yeah.

So, okay.

So then we cut to a bunch of shirtless studs building the Tower of Babel.

And we get another one of these because, you know, we saw that when we panned over the boat that they were building, it was just people hammering wood for no fucking reason.

On the building, a lot of people's job is just wiping the walls.

I guess they want to be good and polished.

It's a big part of building the Tower of Babel.

I also love this because we see that the Tower of Babel, of course, because they were were trying to reach heaven, is above the cloud line, but they illustrated their floors badly.

So it's apparently four stories up to the above the cloud line.

Very clouds back in Babylon at that time.

Clouds were very low then.

Well, also, I find it fucking hilarious because they want to make it look like there's a lot of activity going on, right?

Because you don't want to just have activity in one spot in your animation.

So they've got people building walls all the way down.

And I'm like, I feel like they would just build it one floor at a time back then, guys.

Now I see your problem.

And then we get Kara's best worst, right?

This is where the old lady's going to sell her honey to the

funny guy from New York.

Yeah, his name, he has a name.

I wrote it somewhere farther down.

Maybe I've written it.

Moishi here.

Check him.

Yeah.

No, Checkum was the not quite Shekel that

Simus.

Simus.

Okay, yeah.

So Simus

is darker in hue than the others.

He has a very large nose.

He is working like a stall.

He owns Anakin and his mom.

And of course, he's ripping off an old woman who's trying to say, yeah.

Old woman's trying to sell her honey.

And he like, he's like, hey, look over there.

And then puts bugs in it.

And then he's like, oh, your honey's full of bugs.

I'll only give you half a shekel.

Yeah.

Right.

Rough.

I also, I just have to point out, like, this isn't necessary for the story of the Tower of Babylon, right?

It's not like, you know, people before the flood or Sodom and Gomorrah, where you're trying to establish that a whole town was bad, right?

Because you'd put a scene like this in to establish the town was bad.

Everyone was in it is bad.

Don't feel bad.

But like...

In the story of the Tower of Babel, God's just bad because they built a thing that was too tall.

The tower, right?

Yeah.

Everyone is not supposed to be evil involved in the project.

But isn't it kind of implied that all the people chose to build the tower?

Yes, right.

Like the false idols and all this.

Yeah, and the kids of pickpocket that we see.

They are very clear.

They've lost their way.

They're wayward Babylonians.

Yeah.

They are Babylonians, right?

I guess.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think the tower, the Babel story is supposed to be in Babylonia.

But then to further enforce that, right, we get the two righteous brothers, Jared, and here's another one of those great goddamn Joseph Smith names, Mahon Rye.

Yeah, I was so confused by that.

I was like, this isn't in the original canon, is it?

No.

I'm just saying, you know, it's very easy to judge Joseph Smith, but I challenge all of you to put your face into a ski cap for six hours a day while your dumbest friend writes down what you have to say and see how good the names you come up with are.

Yeah, but like.

Like next to each other, this one's intense.

It would be one thing if it was like Mahonrai and Flablukin.

Yes, right.

Jared.

Jared, yes.

Yeah, like I know like three Jareds.

I know this isn't true, but I always imagined that the names got weird when Martin's wife would walk in the room, right?

Like he'd be like, and Jared, and then she'd be like, can I get you guys anything?

And he'd be like, and Mahonrai.

Mahonrai also.

Yeah, right.

Impressed much.

But yeah, but when Jared and Mahonrai, the righteous brothers, walk in, everybody in the town starts making fun of them for being so pious and loving God so much, right?

Oh, you have God so much to marry him?

That, you know?

One of them goes, oh, hey, what's the, did you talk to still talking to God, Mahonrai?

What's the latest word?

What's the word from God?

And Mahon Rai turns around and he goes, repent.

Yeah.

This is every missionary I've ever said politely no thank you to is wet dream.

Yes, right, right, yeah, yeah.

But one of the townsfolks turns to Mahon Rai and he goes, hey, I bet our tower makes it to heaven before you do.

Huh?

So, but he's off to preach to the people.

While he's doing that, Jared, his brother's going to go and do some work in town, which includes selling some honey to that fucking Hitler propaganda piece from earlier.

Simus.

Yeah, Simus.

Simus tries that bug trick with Jared's honey, but he's no gullible old lady.

He catches him.

And here's what he says.

Are you ready?

Yes, please.

Please, please.

So he tries the bugs.

He catches his hand and he goes, what are you doing?

Like, you put bugs in my thing.

And he goes, no, that's nothing.

I just biffbo Samagod.

Blues blabbin knee.

Blues

just like that yeah yes yes this is where we get my best where everybody's trying to do their their fake made-up language and it's just a bunch of white guys that are like oh what does asian sound like that the language asian um

yeah biffbo samagodat yeah

biffbo samagodat is the least problematic language

i also like that jared and his brother land on the same language that was convenient yeah not part of the Book of Mormon or part of the Bible story.

So I was very impressed by that.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I just read that as, luckily Jared and Mahonrai still speak white.

Yes,

they still speak pure.

Delights them, yeah.

It delights them.

I think the idea here is that they are not part of the town, right?

They were just in town for the time.

Like, so them and the old lady who got ripped off on her honey, they'll be fine.

Everybody else is going to babble, right?

Because this is the Genesis story, right?

It's the babble.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tower Babel and then, yeah, all the people.

The tower doesn't actually fall, though, in the story, does it?

Well, not here.

Well, not yet.

Because, like,

the two guys, like, everybody starts babbling, and they're like, oh, let us, you know, kneel and pray to make sure that our language doesn't change and we can still talk to each other.

And I'm like, are you sure?

Because there's an earthquake going on and there's a rickety tower right next to you.

They were building like the second floor and the 31st floor at the same time, guys.

But in the actual Bible story, does it actually fall?

Oh, I don't know.

No.

I don't think it does.

No, I don't believe so.

I do love this moment, though, because they're praying, and the last words he says of the prayer is, Please, Lord, keep us safe.

And then a giant rock almost falls.

I just googled.

I'm so sorry.

I just Googled, Does the Tower of Babel actually fall?

And it auto-corrected.

You know how it like auto-fills?

Does the Tower of Babel actually exist?

God, people.

That's a common fucking Google saying.

Where can I take my family to see the Tower of Babel?

Yeah, right, right, yeah.

But yeah, so the, but the tower falls and they, and they run off.

And there's this weird moment where they're just like standing next to the gate, like the city gate, and they go, we can't stay here.

And I'm like, well, in that gate?

Well, no, obviously you can't stay there.

Yeah.

He goes, we should head home.

And I'm like, yeah, well, that's where you should stay, obviously.

It's pretty clear.

So, okay.

So, but that night, Mahonrai is praying to God for direction, where they should go next.

We get the two kids listening in on them.

Right.

They're eavesdropping on God.

Yeah, eavesdropping on God.

Yeah, we all wrote that actually.

And God's literally like, get your people and your sheep, because sheep

are important when you're lonely.

Who knows?

Like, those are the only two things he said they had to gather.

Yep.

People and sheep.

And you're going to go to the land of choice.

Yes.

The choicest of the lands.

Choice land.

And then like a pirate catches the kids eavesdropping and he's like, don't eavesdrop.

and he and then he eavesdrops oh and he makes fun of the kid and the kid's name is pag is he did you guys catch that no i did not catch that yeah there's a kid named pag because of because he's good at names i feel like maybe like orson scott cart didn't want to one up Joseph Smith in the name making up category at this point.

He's like, I can't have good names for my characters and silly ones for his.

Oh, I'm looking this up.

Maybe Pag exists in Ether.

I don't think so.

My favorite part about this is that he yells at the kids for for eavesdropping, then he eavesdrops, but then Jared comes out and tells him the plan.

So there was no point on him snooping anyway.

Nope, nothing at all.

And he goes, we shall head north.

And everybody's like, north?

North fucking sucks.

Yeah, why are they all so upset about north?

Yeah, they say, no man has ever been north.

And I wrote in my notes the direction

people have been north.

You've been ratcheting your way south the entire history of humankind.

I don't think that's right.

Wait a minute.

There is a pag, but his name is Pagag.

He is the son of the brother of Jared, and he was supposed to be killed.

Oh, my bad.

I'm so sorry.

We're taking Kara back to her room.

Kara, you have no idea how many Mormons are relieved.

They have been screaming at their car race.

There's a fucking PAG.

It's Pagag.

It's Pagag.

I had a Pagag action figure when I was a kid.

It was my favorite.

of the Jaredites.

Furiously re-up signing up for our Patreon.

So now we get Levi.

He's, that's,

I don't know, he's probably in the fucking book too, but he's the pirate guy that caught the kids.

Oh, Levi's for sure in the book.

Well, there's definitely some Levi in there, yeah.

There's probably like 10 Levi's in there.

Yeah, right, right.

So, but they're now doing an inventory before they head north.

We get some pig shenanigans.

We get an infinite fish shenanigan.

Yes.

Yeah, that I guess that was included because they thought this would be funny to children, right?

Yeah.

So it's, it's actually almost a funny moment, right?

Which is that the guy is like fishing with his hands and then he takes the fish and he puts it in the pot full of water behind him.

And then the fish jumps out and then he catches the fish.

Yeah.

Cause he's like, ooh, there's so many.

Ooh, look at another fish.

They do this bit, podcast listener, four times.

I wrote in my notes, did Heath start this?

No, no.

Noah's not going to tell me how many times I can animate this guy.

God damn it.

And you can tell that this guy is like the town kind of like

special friend because when when they're all turning in their animals the guy looks into the pot and there's nothing in it and he goes do you think it's enough and the guy's like yeah it's great like pats him on the back that's how noah and heath talked to me about my my edits over on dnd minus i'm like pretty good huh and they're like yeah

both people who hear that show are gonna love it

god my boyfriend's one of them isn't he

So yeah, so but they but they gather to the bees.

There's a weird moment where the kid goes like Pag, the kid, you know.

Come on.

Pagag.

Yeah, where Pagag is like.

This is Pagager racial.

Yeah, right.

So Pagag is like, well, I don't want to get the bees.

What if they bite?

And the dude's like, well, they won't.

I'm like, well, yeah, no, they won't bite.

I feel like we can be confident in that.

Good call.

Good call.

What?

Oh, he says that really fucked up thing.

So the kid gets the bees like all unafraid.

He doesn't get stung.

He sets them down.

And dude is like, man, if I had your faith, like good stuff would come my way.

and i was like oh so he's obviously just like with this kid right like expected that kid to get the shit stung out of him yes no oh it would have been a good prank yeah would have been good all right well some of us know what they're about to load those bees onto and those folks need a minute to brace themselves so we're gonna take a quick break but first let me give act three the hard sell is it even possible to generate suspense at this point in the story Does our format break down when we do two short films instead of one long one?

Why don't I just adjust it as necessary?

By now, the answer is to something I'm sure when we return for the expensively cheap-looking conclusion of The Brother of Jared.

You went to The Brother of Jared?

Kara, Kara, you gotta help me.

Eli, what's the matter?

Where's Noah?

Okay, so I was going through your phone.

Dude.

There's no time, Carabelle.

Not my name.

I was going through your phone because I thought maybe you'd have Magic Mike's number to help Noah get into shape.

The fictional character or the actor who either way, I don't know.

I just wanted him to get ripped, you know?

But Eli, if you're looking for a great workout fit for anybody, why don't you try Fitbod?

Damn it, Caranthifer.

What is Fitbod?

Still not my name.

But whether you're hitting a plateau, bored with your current workout routine, or new to fitness, Fitbod sets you up with a custom workout plan tailored to your fitness goals.

Well, that sounds great.

It is.

I signed up for Fitbod when they became a sponsor.

I love how Fitbod works with the equipment that I have available so I can get a great workout whether I'm in a fully stocked gym or working out from a hotel room.

Amazing.

And Noah, you're okay.

I'm better than okay with Fitbod.

Get in shape this summer with Fitbod.

Join Fitbod today to get your personalized workout plan.

Get 25% off your subscription or try the app for free for seven days at fitbod.me slash gam.

That's f-i-t-b-od-d.m-e slash gam.

All right, Noah.

Thanks.

Hey, why were you worried about me anyway?

Oh, so I texted everyone in Kara's phone that I wanted you to get ripped, and three people texted back getting a van now.

Oh.

Yeah, no, that's no good.

Yeah, if that was Larry Wilmore, you should run.

I knew I was scared of him for a reason.

Joseph!

Joseph!

Yes, Martin?

I have just finished reading the marvelous story of Jared.

Marvelous indeed.

Yes, yes, many marvels.

For instance, the Lord installed no mechanism for air in the miraculous vessels.

I wonder how they breathed.

Oh,

did God not mention that in the book?

No, no, not once.

Ah, well, if I recall,

in the next verse, the angel Moroni told me that he's going to tell them to

open the top sometimes.

Open the top?

Yep.

It's going to let all the air in.

Well,

why wouldn't that let in the water?

Nope, it won't because they're going to close it before the water gets in.

Before the water.

Yep, yes.

Well, you know, I suppose God can do all things.

Indeed, he can, Martin.

Yeah, but how to navigate the ocean with no lights at all?

That is truly a wonder, no?

I forgot the light.

I mean, God forgot the lights?

Well, indeed, there was nary a mention of them.

Well, wait till you hear what God gave them for light, Martin.

It was

glowing

rocks.

Rocks, you say.

Growing rocks.

Wow.

A lot of God magic is done via rocks in this story.

Yeah, well, I stare at a hat full of rocks all day, Martin.

What?

I said mysterious ways.

Oh, yes, mysterious indeed.

And we're back for still more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the action late that night with Mahon Rai trying to get some sleep while his son pesters him about some bullshit.

He's got this great moment where he says to his kids, like, Dad, are you scared?

Super long pause.

No.

I wanted the kid to be like, you're fucking scared.

Yeah, right.

This part's weird.

He asks them about like if they encounter lions or tigers or bears.

Okay.

They're in Babylon.

Babylon.

Yes.

It's 2,400 before the Common Era.

Yes.

How does this kid know what a lion or a tiger is?

I think they had lions and tigers.

They didn't have bears that far south.

Somebody didn't have bears.

They still had Caspian lions.

Oh, did they have Caspian lions?

They were

Caspian tigers, rather.

They definitely had lions.

Yeah, they were lions, Asiatic lions all over them.

Who was going to eat the Christians?

Yeah, right.

Okay, okay.

So there were lions and tigers, but there were no bears.

No, I think that was just a rhyme that Joseph Smith remembered.

Yeah, exactly right.

Yeah.

What goes with lions and tigers?

Yeah.

And they're doing that really lazy animation trick.

And it's actually very clever, right?

Which is that when you don't want to animate a scene fully, what you can do is you can pan the camera, quote unquote, back and forth over an image to create movement where there isn't a lot.

So you just have to animate the characters' mouths, right?

And Disney uses this really effectively a bunch of times.

This movie does not.

It seems like the camera's on a metronome.

Oh my God.

And it's just nauseous like you're about to vomit by the

seasickness inducing yes

but just then as they're as they're trying to get some sleep there's some god light under the door and mahonrai walks out and there's this pulsating cloud that looks like something that you would fight in super metroid

My sympathy really went to the makers of the animated Book of Mormon here because you really, this was a lot harder to animate than it was for Joseph to make up off the top of his head.

Yeah, it's a great cloud that they had to follow.

So that, yeah, so then we get just this,

this fucking montage now of everybody following this pulsating cloud blob through the twilight.

Oh my God.

The emotions that you were able to project onto this.

There's a moment where they're like struggling over these rocks and can't quite make it.

And so the cloud stops and like you have a moment where the cloud is being like, hurry it up a little bit.

You guys mind kicking into high-game cloud here.

It's hard to keep all these cloud particles together.

Yeah.

Right.

Well, also like the cloud is God.

He could just float the fucking cart over the goddamn rocks, but I guess God isn't as generous as fucking E.T.

Right?

I'm so sorry.

I clearly like just stopped responding because I started googling if an Asiatic lion or a Caspian tiger was bigger.

This is what you're here for, Carol.

You're here to be the voice of a beautiful people.

Okay, on Reddit, the source of all truths.

Megafauna are wilding.

Three years ago, an Asiatic lion and Caspian tiger clash in the Cukakis.

Okay, lions will go extinct, blah, blah, blah.

Okay.

AI overview.

In a hypothetical one-on-one fight, a Caspian tiger would likely be favored to win against an Asiatic lion.

Oh, interesting.

They did do a little research for a.

Not enough to find out there weren't bears there.

No, no.

But the dad did say, I think you should be more concerned about tigers than lions, right?

Yeah, no, don't worry, Dad.

In 45 minutes, Kara's going to chime in with, okay, guys, I got it.

Actually, there was a bear there.

The serial

black bear would sometimes wander.

Yeah, The episode will be over.

I did the same thing when I googled whether they had ox carts because I was like, what year?

Yeah, right, right.

They did.

Yeah, no, they did.

They did.

Yeah.

They had spoked wheels even.

I had a weird fascination with fucking Babylonian history as a kid.

So yeah, I actually knew that one.

That's how you knew about the lions and the tigers.

That's impressive.

Because I was just thinking about modern lions and tigers.

I'd also officially like to resent Noah using the past tense about his fascination for Babylonians.

No, I knew

it was.

I'm till this show.

Oh, yeah, you don't care about the Babylonians at all.

Well, no, I just read about them.

I don't read about them as much now.

So, okay.

Where as much.

There it is.

Wait, okay.

So, where are we now, you guys?

So, we are wandering to the shores of fucking,

I guess, the Mediterranean Sea.

Has the kid found the shiny rock?

Yeah, he's just found the shiny rock.

Okay, hello foreshadowing.

We all called this one, right?

He's like, oh, well, I've read the book, but yeah,

he's like, yeah, look at this glowing rock.

He's, well, I guess it's not quite glowing, but it is quite shiny.

I wrote so many times in my notes things like, the rock shineth.

Jacob puketh.

And it came to pass that Jacob puketh.

So, yeah, and and but they get to this big fucking sea and they're like, okay, now what, smarty pants?

And he's like, well, the Lord's got it sorted out, I'm sure.

What we're going to need is a fleet of

drum roll, please,

submarines.

Submarines!

Yes!

Hey, Eli, Eli, how tight will the submarines be?

Tight as a dish, baby.

Tight like onto a dish.

Yes, sir.

So we actually get them making their goddamn wooden submarines.

Yes.

And they made this dumber than it is in the Book of Mormon, which is a fucking achievement, right?

In the Book of Mormon, they're just like, they took the ships, they were tight as a dish, they got over there, glow in the dark rocks.

We'll talk about those in a second.

But for some reason, in the animated episode, they choose to have a character ask all the questions one would logically ask about wooden submarines, and the answers are worse than the answers in the Book of Mormon.

Yeah.

Yeah, because one guy goes, well, there's no light in there.

And he's like, well, if no light can get in, no air can get in.

And I'm like, well, that's not how.

Air works.

What are you talking about?

Have you never been in the dark and breathing?

What the fuck are you talking about right and then jared responds that's okay we'll just open it a little bit and then close it before the water gets in and everyone's like oh that makes sense rabble rabble yeah he's literally like just give the submarines a blowhole yes yeah well obviously so yeah because like while jared is talking to the people about this mahon rise up on the mountain talking to god and saying hey man

How the fuck will we breathe?

And yeah, so God recommends a blowhole and he's like, well, won't the water get in?

He's like, well, when when the water starts getting in, plug it, plug it in again.

Well, that's how a blowhole works.

That is how a blowhole works.

Yeah.

And he goes, well, how will we steer?

He's like, I'm God.

I'm just going to make the waves go that way, dude.

Yep.

And then he goes, well, how will we have light?

And God is like, oh, my fucking God with your bitching.

What the hell, man?

Okay.

This is insane.

Because again, I have to emphasize, this is not in the Book of Mormon.

God goes.

I thought this part was.

Oh, where God goes.

What do you think?

Yeah, I think.

I think it was.

okay that makes me feel much better okay actually makes me feel much better that this is in the book mormon and not just orson scott card going i bet god would be a shitty boomer dad about this

yeah but god's like you know i well i don't know what what do you want to do about the light he's like well i don't know you're god he's like well oh i guess i'm just gonna solve all the fucking problems aren't i and all of us are watching and we're going the glowing rock yeah

you already showed the glowing rock we found the key to bad movies in cara's heart we just need to make mormon movie month all year every year for all of kara's appearance yeah you know so we drag her in so yeah but we have to have that we have to draw this out so fucking look so that night mahonrai is sitting by the fire pondering the how will we see problem

right we notice that nobody's dealing with the where will we shit problem which deserves quite a bit of attention i would think I asked the same thing.

I was like, it's probably so stinky in there.

You have a different blowhole.

Yes.

So, but yeah, but he's thinking about their overlaying animations from earlier because that's cheaper than coming up with new stuff.

And then he looks down at the fire and he sees that there's rocks glowing near the fire.

And he's like, right, rocks can glow.

Yeah, just like that kid.

That kid found a glowy rock.

Yeah, I really wanted it to flash cut to the submarine bursting into flames because they fill it with hot coals.

Okay, not that kind of glowy rock.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Let me ask God about a different.

Yeah.

So God goes, or Mahomery gathers up some rocks and he's like, hey, man, I brought these rocks up the mountain.

And he's like, that's weird that you brought them because because there are rocks here.

It's a mountain.

And he goes, right, no, but I brought some.

He's like, can you charge them up with your light finger like ET?

And he goes, strangely enough, yes, I can.

So we watch as this cloud blob sticks a finger out one at a time.

So erotic.

It is.

Thank you.

It is right.

Well, and it's made all the more erotic because God's doing that thing where you think someone's asking for a dick pic, but you you need to be sure because you don't want to end your career and your family, right?

God's like, so do you see my finger?

Do you, um,

do you want to see anything else?

He does.

He literally has that.

You want to see the rest of me?

He goes, he goes, did you see more than my finger?

And he goes, and then, and fucking Mahonrai says, and I quote, show yourself unto me.

And I'm like, are you asking if God is a cop?

What the hell?

And it's not God, it's Jesus because God and Jesus are separate beings.

That's right.

Yes.

So the Lord here is Jesus.

He shows himself and he has, you guessed it, blue eyes.

He does, yes, yes.

He's a blue-eyed Jesus.

Blue-eyed Jesus.

And I thought I really wanted Mahonrai to go, oh, wearing a robe.

Yeah, no, of course, that's what I had in mind.

Sure, yeah, you know what?

You were wearing

a robe.

But yeah.

And he goes, because of your faith, I can't withhold anything from you.

I will teach you all things, the future and the past and all things about all of humanity, Matrix style.

And he goes, really?

And he's like, yeah, but you got to promise not to spoil my big crucifixion reveal, though.

Okay.

You can't

tell anybody until later.

Also, I just want to apologize that this is inevitably going to include all the seasons of Love Island as well.

It just felt weird for me to be like, I'm going to leave out one TV show.

So, yeah, you know, it's like you're also going to see all the seasons.

Love Island.

Is this part...

So is Jared in the Bible at all?

No, no.

So they made him up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Did you know that they were made it all up, Kara?

I know they made it all up, but they made it all up to try and like vibe it with the Bible.

Yeah.

Did you know that they were in the valley of Nimrod here?

Yeah.

Oh.

There's so many interesting names.

Yeah.

Valley of Nimrod.

Nimrod.

Isn't it?

I don't know.

This might be apocryphal, but the story is that Nimrod...

became an insult because of a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

It is.

It's because of the Bugs Bunny cartoony.

He was using it to reference the great hunter, the mighty hunter, and everybody else just thought it was a word for idiot.

Yeah, it's just a name to call someone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But so Nimrod is in the Bible.

Yes.

Yes.

Nimrod.

He's a hunter.

Yeah.

Yeah.

God.

So they just, half the time they just recycle Bible words.

Other times they're like, if I add a letter, she's not Sarah.

She's Sarai.

Yeah.

At best, they were recycling Bible words.

At worst, they're the anti-Nephilehi.

Yeah.

You go on, you end up praying for those Bible rip-off words.

Yeah, right, yeah, exactly.

You you sure you didn't have another?

So, yeah.

So, now we get Mahon Rai.

He's, he's given all the light rocks to the various submarines, right?

They each have like a light bulb now.

Oh, yeah, and they're all like fist pumping.

And at this point, I'm no lie, you guys, my boyfriend goes, because he was raised a Unitarian, so he is very far away from

here.

Yeah, yeah.

So he turns to him and he goes, so it's just, is this just like fanfic about the Bible?

Yeah.

He goes, who the fuck came up with this?

And I was like, Joseph Smith.

Got it in one.

I could tell him so many good stories.

It's so good.

Yeah.

So then, so they get their little glowy rocks and they plug up their little blowholes and they set off and they set off in the, I guess, into the Mediterranean Sea and then, you know, through the Straits of Gibraltar into the ocean and then on to America.

They tease us for a second like they're not going to go full submarine, but they go full submarine.

You bet your asses they do.

Oh, yeah, because they pop up out of the water like a submarine.

So this submarine montage, it's accompanied by a song.

And I have a very important question.

Did the singer of this song have a super terrible, super obvious lisp?

Or did I imagine that out of boredom?

I think it was, I think it was another one of those like VHS.

Oh, okay.

For some reason, I got it locked in my head while I was listening to this song that this person

was doing the musical montage

like this

so for those of you who watch along with us if you if you've also given living scriptures none of your money for your monthly thing please verify that I did not hallucinate alone so so I got to be honest with you Eli I don't know because I had tuned this music out so bad that even though they were translating the lyrics on the subtitles that I was looking at I still couldn't like i my brain was tuning it out all together by this point you were in a fugue state i get it because all of the music just sounded the same.

At one point, they actually hit the same song twice.

And so then it just felt like the same song over and over again.

And I'm like, I'm not getting tricked into paying attention to lyrics again.

Right.

So, okay.

But so then we watch the kid, like they're in the submarine.

The kid's bored.

with the submarine trip.

And I'm like, we're all like, yeah, I get it, kid.

We, me too.

Jesus Christ.

Are you sure these things are only 26 minutes long?

But then he sees land.

Just like last time.

Exactly like the story that we just fucking watched because Joseph

can't come up with new fucking stories.

Yes.

Well, and I even wrote, so where are they now?

Because America doesn't happen for a long time, I don't think.

Right.

I'm wrong.

They're in America.

Yes.

Yeah.

Ultimately, at some point in his stupid fucking ramblings, Joseph Smith found it necessary to have some Israelites that were already there in order to move the story forward.

And so he was like, oh, no, exactly the same thing happened to them, only with submarines this time.

Oh, because the Jaredites become the Mulekites, which ultimately merge with the Nephites to create the modern Nephites.

Yes.

And something about Alma the Elder and then Gad Deanton robbers.

At this point, he's just trying to get his D ⁇ D campaign to end up in upstate New York, and he's really stretching.

So, and then like, yeah, we get this one shot of the submarines approaching the new world.

The perspective is just fucking nuts on that.

It bothered me so bad.

But then they get to the new world.

They release the bees so that they can go on to, you know, symbolize Mormonism or whatnot.

And the episode ends.

So, no, I have to ask you guys, because at the end of these episodes, it gives you the option to take the quiz.

Oh, yeah.

There's also a coloring book.

Yep.

There's a coloring book.

There's a quiz, and then you have another option or something else.

But did anybody else take the quiz?

Yeah, they did.

I was not given.

They've caught on to me.

They know I'm the podcaster.

I didn't didn't get the quiz.

Oh, yeah.

I'm not doing that except for extra money, you guys.

Like, that's not.

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

Well, I took the quiz and I'm just like, well, you know, I bet this will, this, there'll be a lot of humor going on here.

There'll be something funny to pull out of that.

And it asked you at the beginning, or like, do you want the beginner or middle or expert quiz?

I'm like, well, I'm a fucking expert.

I'll take the fucking expert quiz.

And then it's just like completely not funny.

Were you paying attention at all to this thing that you just watched kind of shit?

You know, like, it's like, prove to mom that you actually watched it kind of stuff.

And then mom says you can have your Nintendo back if you pass the expertise.

Exactly.

Right.

That's all it was.

Whew.

It just, it really, but it was kind of a window into just how bad it is to be a Mormon kid growing up, right?

That like even your entertainment is like, all right, but did you pay enough attention to have passed the fucking quiz about your entertainment?

That's so boring that you otherwise wouldn't have paid.

This is what drove Kara on to American Idol season two, okay?

Absolutely.

You guys had no show.

You have no idea.

Kara, I have looked so hard for that.

The amount of hard I have looked for that footage is disconcerting.

I love that you're still, that was not what I was referring to.

But yes, being a Mormon child is rough.

If you, I mean, if you just think about the amount of time dedicated to Mormonism as a child, you're going to church for three hours every Sunday.

You're doing youth group every Wednesday night after school for like two or three hours.

And then once you're, oh, and Monday is family home evening.

usually the missionaries are coming to your house for dinner.

And then once you're old enough to be in high school, you're going to seminary before school for an hour every day.

Jesus.

It was brutal.

And all of that without soda.

Well, and then, yeah, or cigarettes or booze.

And then you get home and you have to watch this shit.

Yeah.

Woof.

For sure.

All right.

Well, hey, Kara, thanks so much for reliving your childhood trauma for our entertainment with us.

Anytime.

Don't you miss Iron Man the Musical now?

All right, well, that's going to do it for our review of the animated Book of Mormon episodes three and eight, but that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need some more Mormonism for next week.

So Eli, tell us what's on deck.

Well, Noah, we might have enjoyed ourselves poking fun at the Book of Mormon this week, but our movie next week will remind us that the Bible can be just as silly.

So we'll be watching the Netflix Bible blockbuster, Mary, Mother of Jesus.

Oh, that's a damn short Mormon movie month.

But okay, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 514 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to Kara and a reminder that you can hear more from her by following the links in the show notes.

And an equally huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make this show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among the ranks, you won't per episode donation at patreon.com/slash godawful and thereby earn early access to an ad-free version of every episode.

You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, the Scathing ADS Citation Data DD Minus and the Skype for Credit available wherever podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodAfflumMovies GodAlphemozogemail.com.

Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slandig with people dropped on Mars.

All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a trigger light this week for Heath and Wright and Eli Bosnick.

I'm no illusions, promises to work hard to earn a lounger chunk.

Next week, I got through all of those words.

Until then, we'll leave you with the American graffiti close.

It's the breakfast club close.

Jared begat Oriha, begat Kiv, who was the son of Shul, who was the son of Omer, who was the son of Emer, who is the son of Coriantum, then Kom, then Heth, then Shez, and then Riplakish, then Morianton, then Kim, then Levi.

Okay.

Amnagata is in there somewhere, but they all came from Aether, a descendant of Coriantor, who was the son of Moron.

Yep.

I shit you not.

M-O-R-O-N.

Look it up.

It's in Aether, chapter one.

Kara would go on to learn that that was only the 813th silliest name in that book.

Oh, God.

Kara's boyfriend and Eli still didn't find the strength to reveal their affair to her.

Oh, you guys are going to love each other so much.

So much.

going to be such good friends.

I'm so excited.

You're just going to be alone.

You're going to be alone doing cool people stuff while I'm like, yeah, this Warhammer mini.

Here's my concern.

You're both dungeon masters.

This is what I'm saying.

And what happens when two dungeon masters merge?

They fuck.

That's just

raw.

So, but wait, Eli, are you by?

Sure.

I'll try anything twice.

Try anything 14 times.

I'll try anything to prank Kara Sam.

You guys won't believe how good I got, Kara.

I need an ice pack right now.

I'm going to have to walk home from LA.

I'm not putting on an airplane for six hours.

I don't know why it's extra funny to me that this is like, it's better help slash awful.

Yeah.

Yeah, right.

we've got a lot of those we get a lot of those where it's just like awful how you guys going with that

with your food product right like didn't want to go cam okay all right

there are other words associated with our show

i guess they can't go slash god right no right more god awful yeah it doesn't help yeah

I do like though that like if I comment on somebody like if I'm signed in to as god awful movies on like Patreon or whatever, and I comment on somebody's thing, if they want to block it, it comes up and it's like, do you want to block God?

Right?

Because that's our family.

That's like your famous name.

That's hilarious.

I imagine Christians going, I just can't do it.

Damn it.

I have to give them more money now.

All right.

Interstitial two.

Joseph.

Joseph.

Yeah.

Yes, Martin.

What the fuck were you going to do?

Santa Voice.

Santa voice came out first.

Yeah.

Like, I did like a Mr.

Ed voice.

Yeah, no,

that was a choice, man.

Make choices.

That's what they say.

All right, here we go.

One more time from the top.

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