509: Wraith

You got the VPN, the encrypted messenger, the private browser?

But if your mobile carrier is selling your data, those apps are just window dressing.

Meet Cape, the mobile carrier that never collects your name, address, or data.

Because what they don't store, they can't sell.

Premium service, nationwide coverage, CAPE is just $99 a month.

Your first month is just $30.

And with code CAPE33Off, you'll save 33% on your first six months.

Go to Cape.co, lock down your network, not just your apps.

I'm Bretzki, and you're in California, and I'm here to tell you about SpinQuest.com, my favorite social casino.

With over a thousand slots and table games, absolutely free, with the ability to win real cash prizes instantly to your bank account.

There's no better time to hop on our $30 coin package for only a $10 deal.

Head over today.

I love you.

I'll see you there.

SpinQuest is a free-to-play social casino.

Voidwear Prohibited, visit SpinQuest.com for more details.

He turns to the girl who was just molested by a UHF ghost and he goes,

you okay?

You want to sew that?

She says, no, you keep asking me that.

Yes, right.

Which implies that he keeps asking.

That this is not the first time.

And that she keeps saying no, and that he's just like re-asking.

How about now?

How about now?

God-awful

movie.

Movie.

Movies.

Welcome to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because the Doge didn't get around to our department.

I'm your host, Noah Illusions, and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath.

And right, Heath, welcome back.

Going spooktacular early.

We are,

yeah, a little pre-October spooktacular.

And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bosnick.

Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir?

Wandering through the darkness of Christian cinema, No Illusions.

Wandering through the darkness.

Lou, trying to figure out where that fucking noise came from, as we always are.

And we're also excited to welcome in a brand new guest, Masochus.

Sammy is the co-host of the Too Scary Didn't Watch podcast, and we're showing her other perfectly good reasons not to watch a movie today.

Sammy, welcome to God Awful Movies.

Oh, thank you guys for having me.

I cannot believe you've watched 500 of these.

Neither can I.

But, you know, the time that I really can't believe that is when I'm watching the 500 and X.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, that's really when it hits home.

It's actually 509.

Yeah.

Oof.

The bonus episodes plus the bonuses.

Well, yeah, I was just going to say at this point, because we've all had episodes off, I think we're all approaching 500 each now too.

For sure, for sure.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Yeah, exactly.

Question mark.

So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today?

We watched Wraith.

It's the story of a haunted house and what that means for bodily autonomy.

As it turns out.

The movie does not connect those things.

They both happen, and it's technically one movie, but those are the two things separately that are in it.

Yeah.

You're problematic aunt's Facebook, the horror movie.

Aunt Eli, how bad was this movie?

Well, if you love the following spooky noises monotony of most haunted house movies, but you wish the monster at the end was

women's rights, you will love this movie.

Nothing scarier, women's rights.

Nothing scarier to a Christian movie audience than choice.

Well, so that leads me to my question for you, Sammy.

Sammy, how scary was this movie?

It's impressively not scary.

I was actually, I like, couldn't believe how not scary it was.

Right?

So not scary.

There's a lot of scenes where it seems like something scary is supposed to be happening.

There's the music to lead you to believe a scary thing is going to happen, but then it doesn't.

And then nothing happens and they go back to fucking bad.

If you want to get really good and drunk in this movie, just have a drink every time somebody gets out of their bed to check out a scary noise and then just goes back to fucking

or just drink while you're watching it normal like I did.

Or that's

every time you want a drink while watching.

Yeah, it's like they're edging scary, but they don't really know how that works.

Yeah.

Yep.

It reminded me, do you guys read about real ghost hunters?

Just read about this.

No.

So this was like back in like 2018.

They tried to make a ghost hunter shows with shut-eyes, people who actually believed in ghosts and weren't con men, and nothing happened.

So the pilot, which never aired, was just them being like, nope, there weren't any noises for anything.

Said it was haunted.

Another really chill episode.

All right.

Because they just hired a camera crew of guys who had night vision goggles and they were like, nope, everything's just fine.

It's just as that's what this is movie-wise.

I feel like they were waiting for the scary movie to show up to them.

There's floorboards again, they just do creak sometimes.

Back to bed.

Yep.

All right.

So, is there anything you guys want to nominate this for being the best at being the worst at?

Yeah, I'm going to go with best, best, angry teenager and the vibes we get from this.

So, there's like, you know, demonic ghost stuff happening.

There's even like some exorcism stuff at one point.

And this angry teenager reacts to none of it reasonably other than just just like, go, go.

Yep, everyone.

I'm on FaceTime with my friends.

Get out.

Yeah, I think some of that was due to her limited acting prowess, but we'll get to that.

Perhaps, perhaps.

So I was going to go with best, worst, blindness.

Incredible, incredible choice.

I love this.

Amazing.

There is an actor, the one actor that you recognize in this entire fucking movie.

He's supposed to be playing a blind character, and you might as well at some point hear him go, oh, fuck, fuck, right, blind, blind, shit, blind, blind,

blind.

I'm gonna go with best worst color correction.

I really hated the color in this movie.

I feel like it's pretty all over the place.

Sometimes it's very bright, sometimes it's dark and blue.

I think there are also times where they shot like bright days, and we're just like, it's too bright.

Let's

make it bluer and darker.

Why don't they have Instagram filters for the camera?

It's crazy.

I think the movie has best worst blindness too.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, for sure.

And I'm going to go with best worst ending title card explanation for the entire fucking movie.

No, this counts.

This counts.

Just look.

Just look.

Truly, it could not be more slapdash or final to be like, now you might have been thinking for this entire film.

This doesn't make any fucking sense.

Well,

what if I lied about the definition of ghosts right here at the end in title card?

So you have to think it's a good movie.

Instead of Finn at the end, it's just like anti-choice in case it wasn't.

It's a good movie.

The movie was good.

Okay, now fam.

Oh, the final eight seconds.

We're going to get to it.

I don't want to spoil it now, but the final eight seconds of this movie are possibly my favorite.

What do you mean they didn't get it in the test screening moment?

Oh, I love it so much.

All right.

Well, there's a lot of nothing on the other side of this break, so we're going to clear out some room for it, but we're going to be back in a minute with all the heavy-handed moralizing of

Wraith.

Okay, beach or carnival?

Seriously?

We got to choose, man.

Hey, guys.

What's up?

Oh, hey, Noah.

Heath and I were just picking which activities we want to do this summer.

Yeah, and someone just chose baseball over softball.

I don't understand why you have to pick.

Time, Noah.

If we want to have fun in the sun and eat right, we're going to have to spend hours in the kitchen cutting and chopping.

Slicing, dicing, whatever simmering is.

Exactly.

No idea.

Well, guys, why don't you just try Factor?

What's

Factor?

Factor's chef-crafted dietitian-approved meals are ready to eat in just two minutes, taking the hassle out of eating well.

Two minutes?

Even we have time for that.

You sure do.

And with 45 weekly menu options, you can pick gourmet meals that fit your summer gains and goals.

Plus, Factor powers your day sun up to sundown with nutritious breakfasts, on-the-go lunches, premium dinners, and guilt-free snacks and desserts, Factor has your whole day covered.

I don't know, Noah.

Have you actually tried it?

I sure have.

Factor set us a box to try when they became a sponsor, and I've been a customer ever since.

I love that I can stick to my heart-healthy diet without breaking my budget or my back.

That's why I, no illusions, personally endorse Factor.

All right, I'm sold.

Where do I sign up?

Get started at factorymeals.com slash awful 50off and use the code awful50off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box.

That's code awful50off at factorymeals.com slash awful 50off for 50% off plus free shipping.

Factorymeals.com slash awful 50 off.

All right, Noah, thanks.

You hear that, Heath?

We don't have to choose after all.

It's too bad.

I think combining frisbee and golf was a really good idea.

Oh, totally.

I think that already exists.

Yeah, because we invented it.

We invented it.

All right, guys, welcome to the first ever Writer's Room meeting for Wraith.

Woo!

Wraith.

Now, look, we've all seen haunted house movies before, guys, but I want this one to have a message, you know, something that really sticks with the audience.

Sure.

I mean, ghost stories are filled with meaning.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The meaning of life, the things we hold on to, the nature of death itself.

Yeah, right, right.

So I was thinking that ours could be aborting babies summons the demon Moloch.

Uh, sorry, what?

The medical procedure?

It pleases and summons the the baby-killing demon god Moloch.

Oh,

okay.

That seems a little hard to work into a haunted house movie.

No, no, we'll just have them, you know, walk around the house a bunch, and then we'll explain it at the end.

Oh,

okay.

Okay, it just feels like it might be

insane and out of nowhere.

Out of nowhere, yep.

Well, right.

No, but that's because I left out the most important part.

I was about to say.

Yeah, no, so the servants who lived in the house before

were Jewish.

Oh.

Got it.

Yeah, man.

Thanks.

All right.

Well, it's settled.

I'm going to go ahead and grab lunch.

Sure, man.

Yeah, we'll chat when you're back.

Do you understand?

Wait till he leaves the room.

I'm sorry?

Not that I was just warning Steve about Malak.

Oh, and a smart.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Hey, folks, Noah here to tell you that we've now officially joined the Creator Accountability Network.

CAN is a nonprofit dedicated to reducing harassment and abuse through ethical education and a system of restorative accountability.

We join because we care about the safety and well-being of our community members.

If you feel our behavior or content has harmed someone, please report it to CAN either via the reporting system on their website, creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org, or via their hotlines, 617-249-4255.

They'll help us make it right and avoid repeating the same mistake in the future.

Can also needs volunteers from our community to help with their process.

So if you have skills that you think would be helpful or time and a desire to help, please visit their website to find out how you can volunteer.

Most importantly, get the word out to other creators who you think would be interested in getting credentialed.

Help us build safer communities together.

And now, back to the show.

And we're back for the breakdown and we're going to open up on some basic creepy house shots, except, and this is going to hamstring them throughout the film, they didn't get an actual creepy house.

It's just, it's this lovely Victorian home, but they shot it at dusk and they put some tones over top of it.

Yeah, make it blue.

You just got to make it blue.

Make it blue and it's scary.

Evening.

It's a very nice house.

And it's obvious that they have a finished attic.

So all the scenes in the attic, they'll just like put tattered curtains on this multi-million dollar home and be like, there it is.

Spooky.

Also, we get a production logo for Gravitas Ventures here.

And Sammy, I know you're new to this, but Gravitas Ventures is the face tattoo of films.

You're like, oh, these are going to be good.

Yep.

You don't need to be familiar.

It's called Gravitas Ventures.

Yeah.

Yes, yes.

So you know that what it thinks about its movies.

It's like, this is going to be good.

You're going to want to watch this one.

We're kind of a big deal as a voucher within the cinematic oeuvre.

Yeah.

Do you know who I am?

The production company.

Yeah.

So there's that.

We're seeing the creepy in Erico's house, and we have this little girl doing narration.

Now, apparently they know that you can have a little kid talk and that can be creepy sometimes, but they don't realize that it's dependent on what they're saying.

So there's just this little kid expositing about wind and how weird that shit is.

Wrongly.

Right.

Well, that too, yeah.

You can't solve the mystery of where the wind comes from.

You can, though.

Literally, the only thing you can tell about the wind is where it is coming from.

I wanted them to just like show the narrator for a second.

She throws a little grass in the air, just hovers there, doesn't move.

It's in the shape of a question mark.

Yeah, right.

I don't know what that means.

Isn't there an insane clown posse song that kind of asks questions, like answerable questions?

Yeah, right.

Exactly.

What the fuck is wind?

See how it reminds me of this.

This is the magnets.

How do they work?

Creepy narration.

Air moving.

Okay.

So I honestly, a fucking Juggalo ghost is a scary ghost.

me.

So yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Especially if you're a child.

Yeah.

So, and then we get this fucking, the inspired by a true story nonsense.

What do you guys think that means to them?

I really have no idea.

Yeah.

Do they have like a family that they used for this as like source material?

Do you think that's what they're claiming?

I don't know, right?

But I'm, I honestly, I would, I really wish I had had time to do a little bit more research into this.

But yeah, they say this is inspired by a true story.

I am skeptical.

The story of me winning prom king and a big dance battle is also inspired by a true story.

That's true.

There you go.

Your school had a problem.

I started doing the floss, and then I'm pointing at people, and I'm like, boom, boom, boom, and orgasms are happening all over the place.

It was just like that.

Well, not exactly, but inspired.

Inspired.

It's inspired by a true story.

Yeah.

Is there any legal

ramifications to putting this on a movie?

I should know this already.

I remember asking my dad that question one time about a movie we were watching, and he's like, no, right?

This movie's being narrated by a talking chicken, man.

So, no.

Right.

It doesn't mean anything.

It doesn't mean anything.

Nope, nothing at all.

Yeah.

And I feel like they hedged their bets on inspired rather than based on a true story.

I feel like they were sitting around.

They were like, guys, I think we should go with inspired rather than based on.

We're lying.

Exactly.

clinically tested as a sort of true story

so okay so go by god we haven't even gotten past the inspired by a true story thing okay so a couple pulls up to this house all drunk and fucky right yeah

and it's great because like christians have no understanding of like timing right because if we watched them sort of drunkenly get out of the car and wander into the house that would establish everything we needed us to establish but because this movie is desperate to hit that $11 on Tubi, we have to watch them make their way up the stairs and make grilled cheese sandwiches and vomit into a waste paper bed.

So, can we take a second to appreciate just what an awful fucking life the writer of this movie must have that they felt the need to like, you know, eventually these, this, this lady's going to be pregnant.

We're going to need to explain why this married couple would be fucking, right?

Like, there would have to be.

So, like, I feel like the fact that they're a married couple, like, we would assume, you know, when she was pregnant later, yeah, we would have got it, but they even show us like the angsty daughter upstairs hearing this happen, and they have to go so hard with fully explaining.

The two parents are like, We're going to have drunken sexual intercourse.

We're adults to birth you.

And we have to watch the daughter be like, Okay, yeah, I hate that you're just always announcing it.

So, yeah, well, and what's amazing about this is not just that the daughter has to hear them say, I am in the mood to have sexual intercourse with my spouse, but also that the movie, like they can't, the movie can't be too fucky, right?

So it's a very Christian movie.

So they're very like, would you now like to put my P in your V?

You know, nowhere.

It's just like, ha ha, oh, you.

So, okay.

So then we get some generic fucking haunted house at night scenes.

For those of you following along at home, this is when I began watching the movie at 1.5 speed.

By the end of the film, I was watching it at 2.75.

Oh my God.

How do you do that?

I don't know how to do that.

Is this a 2v2?

It's great.

They just run around through the house the whole time.

Okay, but with this movie, it was just like normal at that point.

Right.

Yes.

Okay.

Literally, my first note after I switched to 1.5 speed was, oh my God, this is so boring at 1.5 speed.

I can't imagine how bad it is at normal speed.

Yeah.

So, okay, so now we're going to go ahead and spoil this if we haven't already because you just have to know throughout.

And it's so fucking obvious that you're going to know throughout anyway.

So the house is going to be haunted by the zygote that she's got from this drunk fuck

that she's thinking about aborting.

Right.

Right.

That's the story.

And we introduce that because she's laying there like seconds after he came and she hears a voice go,

Mama.

Which, okay, we could make, we could be generous to the filmmakers and say, oh, this, this ghost thing only happens because

God somehow knows that she's going to consider aborting it.

So the ghost is necessary to keep her from aborting it, right?

Whatever we want to say there.

But it also implies a worldview where every time you get pregnant, that night your zygote whispers, mama.

Right.

Yeah.

And most women are just overly heavy sleepers, which is why they miss it.

it.

You just snap up.

I'm going to keep it.

And the ghost goes away and you're good.

You're good.

Well, and then again with the whole like trying to hit the 11 on on Tubi here, right?

Because now she wakes up and she like turns to her husband and says, hey, did you hear something creepily whisper mama just now?

Right.

She says, it was like Lucy, but not Lucy.

And I'm like, do you mean a child?

Do you mean a person, a voice?

A human voice?

A woman?

A girl?

But no, she's like, no, I think he's like, it's probably just the wind.

And she's like, saying, mama.

He's like, yeah, it says shit sometimes.

I don't know.

I need to sleep.

But she's pretty sure it's a horror movie.

So she goes to check the house for ghosts.

Drink.

You shouldn't drink every time that happens.

No, really.

Very sexy.

Yeah, actually, we probably legally have to put a disclaimer in there saying that.

Thank you, Heath.

So she checks on the daughter.

Daughter is asleep in corpse pose.

I don't even think fucking Heath could fall asleep in that pose.

That's not corpse pose.

That corpse pose is like flat.

This is the most uncomfortable-looking sleeping position I've ever.

She's going to be so in such pain when she wakes up.

What's that Renaissance thing where the person's half hanging out of the tub?

That's how she sleeps in this position.

Yeah, this neck is at a 90-degree angle.

Yeah, 100%.

Well, that's one of those things.

So I'm 49, so I see that and I'm like, ah, to be young again.

Or to be Heath, because Heath can sleep like that too for some fucking crazy reason.

Yes,

Heath sleeps like he fell out of an airplane, but I don't know.

I don't know why.

I sleep like it's time for sleeping.

I don't know.

I also sleep pretty crazy, but I feel it every morning.

Yeah, right.

Oh,

man.

I slept real crazy last night.

So we have to introduce this other element of filmmaking into this.

Okay, so you know how like in horror movies, very often like a talented filmmaker will take a room that's fairly normal, but they'll highlight the creepy things about it.

You know, like in the intro to Dexter, where it's like he's just making breakfast and it's all creepy and shit.

This movie tries this, but either the filmmaker has some really weird, idiosyncratic phobias

or they're just filming random shit.

Yeah.

So you know how, you know, blood spatter, that's kind of like a creepy thing, right?

Or like a fluffy husband pillow

is a creepy thing.

A porcelain piggy bank.

That's pretty creepy, right?

That big trapped in porcelain.

I'm so glad Heath brought up the husband pillow.

This is one of those like sit-up sit-up pillows.

If you aren't familiar with these podcast listeners, they look like a sort of blob with an arm on either side.

And we watched the mom drop the husband pillow in slow motion.

Yeah.

Like it like,

and it like ripples in slow motion.

So dramatic.

And why?

Like me landing in a pool.

I was certain that the movie was saying this husband pillow is haunted now.

It's haunted.

What else could you do?

A husband pillow now?

And I was like, okay, movie.

Let's see where you go with this.

They go nowhere.

I mean, we saw a bed that eats people.

We could see a pillow that eats people.

Sure.

Exactly.

Sure.

And then they do.

And then you're just like, wait, was that just an accident?

And they do the same fucking thing with the headphones, right?

She drops her headphones and we watch those fall ominously to the floor.

Wired, wired, wired.

Right.

And then she wakes up.

Looks around to see if there's a horror movie and goes back to fucking bed.

Drink.

Okay, but seriously, at this moment, I was like okay we've got a wraith inside a husband pillow and a set of wired headphones this is an interesting movie right because yeah because like the headphones could have been the weapon for the pillow right it could have slung them around like nunchucks or something oh that's fun yeah now we're writing a movie

Okay, so then we get our title, which Eli managed to misspell in the notes, even though he was looking at it spelled correctly on the screen as he wrote it.

I refuse to trust external sources.

I trust my heart when I spell.

Do you think it's a wraith?

Like, is that

the noise in your head?

Like you put on the door.

It's the ghost you put on your door at Christmas.

A wreath?

Yes.

Do you think it's a wreath?

That was the joke I made.

Okay, but it's a wreath.

All right.

Yeah.

So, okay.

So then, okay, and then just this movie is so ham-fisted.

We hear a little girl's voice saying, I don't want to die.

It's not time for me to die over the title.

I'm so excited.

So, Sammy, to clarify for you, like whenever we bring someone on for a horror movie, because a lot of horror movies kind of sort of dwell on the supernatural, I'm a little nervous that we're not going to get like a Christian one, right?

And so I'm going to have to be like, oh, thanks for watching the movie.

I know it wasn't super great.

And when this happened, I was like, yeah, hell yeah, here we go, Christian cinema.

I was going to ask, I would imagine there's not a lot of horror films in the Christian pantheon.

Is this kind of, have you guys done other ones that are similar?

Oh, yeah, we do a monthly horror, like, or a yearly horror movie month, right?

Every October we do our spooktacular because they love, like, the purpose of a ton of Christian movies is to scare Christian children.

Right, right, right, right.

Right?

Like, the actual birth of the Christian movie genre as a separate genre was primarily because the movies were so creepy and irresponsible to throw to children that, you know, major production companies didn't want to touch them.

So, but yeah, so we get our horror movie title, we get our horror movie ghost, and then we get the daughter.

She's coming home and she sees that the parents have put a for-sale sign out in front of the house, which is the most batshit, evil fucking way to tell your kid that they're moving.

That's pretty rude.

Pretty rude.

How was school?

Did you notice anything new in the front yard?

The new owners, did you meet them?

We have to leave them.

And they're not home.

She goes into the house and she starts running around.

Mom, Dad, what the fuck is this all about?

They're not even home.

We later see a scene with them at dinner, all on the same side, last fucking supper style, where they explain this to her.

Now, we should also point this out early.

The daughter is

almost the worst imaginary.

Like, if we had never watched Donald James Parker movies, I would say she's the worst imaginable actor.

It's crazy.

It's crazy.

It is beyond explanation.

I actually brought a quick montage.

Eli, can you throw that in?

Yes, I can.

This is where we live.

You can't sell for that reason alone.

Don't tell me a house like this doesn't have at least one ghost.

Hello?

Are you there?

Are you trapped or something?

No way.

You're not gonna tell me.

What?

Women don't drink when they're gross.

You did it with dad?

Lucy.

Yeah, that's the quality of acting.

It is her reading the lines for the first time levels of bad, right?

Every time.

Can you guys believe that this is her only role that she's doing?

Nothing else on the resume, huh?

Weird.

Pretty shocking.

So, but so she's

complaining, and dad explains that, hey, you know, I'm doing bad in business.

Your mom is a writer, which is basically the same as unemployed.

And we live in a $16 million

home.

It does seem like like it would be an issue.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dad's explaining, like, I lost my consulting job, whatever.

And he's, he says, and, and I have a consulting job or whatever.

And then Lucy, the daughter's like, mom has a job, though.

And mom corrects her.

And she's like, well,

I'm a writer.

I have a podcast.

I wrote in my notes, as a podcaster, I take offense to this kind of stuff.

And dad's like, you know, this is actually an awful lot of house for three people.

And I'm like, do you think?

And he's like, the maintenance costs are really high.

And I'm like, yeah, no, I can imagine on a house that was built in the, obviously in the 1850s, 1860s or whatever, probably that would be very high.

The daughter goes, what maintenance costs?

They go, well, mowing the lawn, for example.

Nope, that's not that.

That's not the one.

No, because that would like

if you had a new house, it would like, it's not historical grass.

You don't have to cut it with one of the old-timey gasless mowers or whatever.

In Joe Biden's America, we can't afford this

mower gas.

So she storms off.

She has forgotten that she's supposed to say, I hate you guys before she storms off.

So she storms off saying, I hate you guys over her shoulder, but she's out of fucking distance of the mic.

And she's kind of out of breath and half off set.

Doppler dust.

Yeah.

Okay.

Question about this scene real quick, though.

This is a relatively recent movie, right?

It was like 2017 or something like that.

Are people still doing pints of milk at dinner?

Is that a thing?

This family loves milk.

I don't know if you noticed, but they order it.

They drink it quite frequently.

Yes.

I think it's character choice.

I feel like this girl isn't allowed milk most of her life.

And she was like, I'll do the movie if one, I don't have to do any acting and two, I can be drinking milk every time I'm sitting at dinner.

Who's Lucy's Ryder just has milk in huge letters?

That's her green MMs.

Wait, you guys, I know what it is.

I know what it is.

It's a metaphor for pregnancy and motherhood.

It is.

Oh my God, I bet it is.

Secretly

this is great writing.

Really good point, Sammy.

Yeah, yeah.

Have you ever read Grapes of Wrath?

Yeah, it's like that.

So, okay, so then we, this tone shift is so fucking stupid.

This is just how bad this filmmaker is, right?

Because we see the daughter storming off, I'm very angry and I'm mad at you.

the very next scene she's taking selfies on the swing with big goofy grin on her face right now yes i know that like later that day a teenager will have gotten over but like in terms of like filmmaking this is ridiculous yeah it's like an edgar wright bit but by accident right yes like how edgar write like juxtaposes shots so you can be like oh it's funny they did that by on natural lack of talent alone they accidentally do so much class A humor here.

Yeah.

Hot fuzz.

Yeah.

So, okay, so she's taking selfies on the swing.

Mom's inside taking a pregnancy test, right?

Because she's, she was, you know, she had sex yesterday, so she's late now.

Why?

And then, so as she's realizing that she's pregnant, we get the most obvious and predictable, is that a ghost in my selfie moment?

So stupid.

Oh, but they're bad at shooting with a camera.

So we watch them try and like do an over-the-shoulder shot with her to the phone.

To the left, your left.

Right.

And so he's trying to zoom in, but he can't really like it's true.

It's so there's a reflection on it.

You can't see what you fucking can't see through.

I had to go back.

I was like, I know there's a stupid ghost in there or something, but like I didn't see it the first time.

So there's a little girl in like a white dress in the background.

That's supposed to be the ghost, right?

I'm thinking to myself at this moment, like wraiths are fucking weird.

Like this one had to just wait there for a selfie to happen, maybe near a swing set, and then just like sprinting into the background of whatever angle of the selfie got taken.

Or was she supposed to appear to the mom in the mirror and she's like, oh, fuck, she's taking selfies.

God damn it.

She's coming.

Trying to hide.

She's been following the girl around all day, being like, this seems like a nice spot for the gram.

What?

The ghost just standing by some chalked up angel wings going, you're fucking kidding me.

Are you just come on?

I got to to set up zip lines or something.

This is crazy.

She's spread very thin.

She is like pretty constantly trying to make herself known.

She's just like, here I am, here I am.

Here I am.

Hello, hello.

Okay.

So then we celebrate Lucy's birthday, right?

We're getting the same last supper shot as before, which is weird because the framing is terrible and everybody's way too low in the frame.

And we've got it like we watch her blow out her candles.

This actor has to intentionally miss one candle, which she doesn't exactly nail.

There's a line in here that is kind of reminding me of the milk thing because at first I thought it was crazy and weird.

But the dad, I think, says, you know how special birthdays are around here, which is just a really weird thing to say.

But then thinking about it again, I'm like, birthdays, the day of birth.

That's why he said it so really

incredible script here, you guys.

Yeah.

Sammy wrote this film.

I was really hoping you guys would

think about it, the symbolism in this scene.

And I just hate the color corrector.

It's like a personal design.

Flash cuts to her side of the podcast, just mascara running down her face.

Yup, super shipping.

So, okay, so now what the what the writer, what Sammy had in mind for this scene, right, was that the parents and the girl walk away from the birthday cake to go do presents or whatever and one candle lights back up and then the ghost blows it out but it takes so long for that to happen and the camera is so inexpert this the scene is so inexpertly framed that I had to go back and go like, what, did anything happen in that fucking scene?

Like, it's so easy to miss.

It's just bottom little piece of the fucking screen when you're looking in a different place.

I wrote in my notes at this point, oh no, the movie left the room, but we're still here.

They forgot about us.

The ghost blows out one birthday candle.

So, yes, the ghost is one year old.

I don't know.

He's looking forward to it.

Also, the fucking blowing sound.

Like, we actually get a full-blown blowing sound from the ghost at this point, just in case it would otherwise be creepy.

So, okay.

So, that night, Lucy's laying in bed and she hears a noise.

I wish to be born.

Oh, you were actually going for that.

Yes.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Right, Sammy?

That's what it is.

All right.

So that night, Lucy's laying in bed and she wonders, she asks straight up, is there a ghost in here?

Which is real.

Regular volume always.

She's just has no ghost voice.

Every line deliveries with the same voice, just hello, somebody there.

Same as dinner with parents, just

not scared.

I feel like she just had a fight with her manager, and she's like sarcastically doing her job.

And I want to be like, hey, I'm sorry, I feel like you're doing a bit with a hostess or something, but I wasn't involved.

Hello, ghost.

Welcome to Fridays.

Can I get you an ultimate

or something?

Dude, I want an ultimate.

I want.

No,

just kidding.

Don't get that.

It's a bad idea.

Too late.

I've ordered six.

So she gets up to check and see if there's anything creepy going on.

Then we cut over to dad having just learned that mom is pregnant.

Right.

So they're having the should we have this baby or not question.

There's also this moment where he goes, oh, the party night.

And I'm like, oh my God, you guys life is so sad.

The one time that we had sexual intercourse is probably that, right?

Yeah, what else?

It's probably 2025 sex session, if I'm thinking about it.

Just looking at the calendar.

Yep, it's this one.

It's that.

Must be, must be.

Yeah.

And then, so Lucy listens to it.

Well, they go like, well, should we, you know, have a small smartphone?

You know, and she wanders back out of the room because we're not supposed to know that's the plot yet, I guess.

And she sees something behind the curtain, something hiding, a bulge.

And then she pulls back the curtain and nothing is there.

So she lays down.

Yeah.

Podcast listener, I want to keep you in mind because, again, we're going much faster than this movie goes.

We are 15 minutes into this film, and no ghost things have happened.

Yeah,

perhaps the candle.

That's about it.

Okay, we're half an hour into the review, Eli.

We're not going faster than the movie.

It feels like we're going faster than the movie.

Because we're hopefully enjoying this more than we enjoy this.

Moving forward at any pace whatsoever.

Can I say, if you're not, go ahead and shut it off, kings and queens.

1.5 speed, guys.

Yeah, no, don't have the option.

Even at 1.5 speed, there's like a good minute of Lucy just being like, should I touch the curtain and pull it?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

And then she does.

And it's nothing.

And no sound, no scare.

Like, there's not even the like

of pulling back.

No fake out scares or anything.

It's just.

Oh, nope.

Absolutely nothing.

Nothing there.

I wanted just like a fetus ghost to be down there, like super low.

Like, I'm

very small.

I'm actually.

That's what what it is.

It's like fingernail size.

It's not even fingernail size at this point.

It would just be like, you know, a couple of cells.

That's what it is, man.

That's why we can't see it.

Okay, so what you're telling me is I wrote a perfect movie.

I think so.

I think you nailed it.

I wrote a pretty fantastic movie.

All right, so the next morning it's breakfast, and dad has got to introduce the ancillary character, Jack, right?

He's like, Jack's coming over, and mom's like, Jack is a pervert creep.

And we're like, well,

we don't know that yet, but he's got a new new startup.

This is dad being excited that Jack might get him a job.

So Jack's coming over.

I was like, yeah, he's a piece of shit liar.

Don't do the meme coin thing with Jack.

That's dumb.

And then Lucy, just out of nowhere, goes, this house is haunted.

Okay.

Yeah.

That's her, I mean, that's her literal only delivery style.

So I don't know what that is.

That's all she's got.

So dad's just like, well, you know, ghosts are all a bunch of bullshit.

Plus, if this was, if there was a ghost in this house, why wouldn't we have noticed it before?

And she says, well, what if this is a new ghost?

That's the actual fucking line, to which he says, how could a ghost be new?

All fucking ghosts start new, don't they?

You fucking dumbass.

Yeah, you think at some point.

And what an insane objection.

You think we just stopped making ghosts?

You think they just stopped making them?

I will say it's an interesting ontological question and sammy i thought you put it together nicely here oh it brings up the question philosophy thank you very much yeah yeah yeah so okay so then we cut to mom later that day she's polishing the silverware like you do you know which is an extremely haunted thing to do this is the first of many times mom will be doing things that are only appropriate to do in a haunted house sure right she will wander from room to room pushing old victorian prams and like opening closets with a flourish this woman is begging to be haunted.

This is time.

You're right.

She is, though.

Yeah.

So we watch her think about things for a fucking while, even on one and a half time speed, right?

Because she's supposed to be thinking about getting the abortion, but we're just watching her contemplate like she thought that they were going to put a voiceover in there later.

And then the TV comes on mysteriously.

Okay, podcast listener, there is absolutely no way.

I I wouldn't play you the clip because it would be so boring.

There is no way for me to convey to you emotionally how long and boring this three-beat of the TV turning on and her turning it back off again.

It's boring to describe as a joke, but I was weeping with laughter.

The third time the TV turned on, I was weeping with laughter in my house.

Well, and then she takes the batteries out of the remote as though that's going to solve the problem.

Yeah, now you just can't turn it off.

You got to murder it.

Okay, sorry.

One tiny detail I have to talk about.

I'm so curious what you think happened here.

The TV pops on at one point and we see, it's like a news broadcast.

And on the screen, it says, Waterboard Warriors document cleanup.

What the fuck is happening?

All right.

We were all finding meaning at different places in this.

song, podcast listener.

He had to do whatever he could to stay.

So little happening.

To be clear, document cleanup wasn't like the CIA needs to shred their waterboard documents about Gitmo.

It was like how to clean up your house for spring.

Document cleanup.

Also waterboard.

Yeah, waterboard warriors.

Very confusing.

Yep.

So, okay.

So then she takes the batteries out of the room and then she hears the dog barking outside.

I guess Oscar the dog was stuck in the mudroom

this whole time.

I don't know.

It's so unclear.

We've never seen this dog.

This never matter again, never comes back.

Nope.

I've got a lot of questions about this dog.

Yeah, like, where the fuck did it go?

It feels like there was a whole side plot about this dog that got cut in the post when the dog's agent saw the final cut or something.

Cut from the film, yeah.

It's crazy.

Dog has the same agent as the Jewish servants from later in the movie.

All right, I'm going to be an Airbud 19.

Bye.

This sucks.

Right.

And so she feeds the dog, and we listen to the dog eat for a while, which is just fucking great.

I love listening to dogs eat.

And again, it's, I can't describe to you, podcast listener, it's not haunted and it's not scary.

I wrote, Should I Leave in my notes so many times, right?

Like, you know, when you come over and you think you're supposed to hang out at someone's house, but they actually just wanted you to bring them drugs.

That's what I felt like the entire time.

I was like, oh, I thought we were hanging.

I'm sorry.

All right.

Bye, Oscar.

When you were a drug dealer, did you think you were friends with everybody?

I care.

I would like to not answer my question.

Sammy's first time here.

I got to see one of my friends again.

I keep getting these calls with all my friends.

Heath, join me over here in this corner.

They obviously want to hang out.

Embarrass me.

Embarrass me in front of Sam.

She thinks I'm a loser.

Joking.

Sam, if you you ever need any drugs, I have like most afternoons.

So we can hang out.

So, yeah,

I know in L.A.

you probably have a lot of drugs.

Yeah, there's a real shortage over here.

It's an emergent market for you, E-boss.

Okay, so now in case this movie was too comfortable for everyone, we have to introduce Jack the pedophile creep.

Yes.

So he shows up to leer uncomfortably at Lucy the daughter, for a while.

Okay, but can I explain the problem that I had?

So, Sammy, again, you are new, but I will explain that Christian movies objectify women and especially young girls all the time.

So, in this first scene with Jack, I wasn't sure if the scene knew that Jack was behaving badly.

Yes, I wasn't either.

I was like, are we supposed to be creeped out by this?

Or is this just like, well, I mean, I wrote it, so I don't want to.

Yeah, right.

this is a perfectly appropriate way to treat a teenage girl, a preteen girl.

Yes, absolutely.

So mom's like, hey, the perves here.

Let's go get dinner.

So they go out to get dinner.

She'll have a glass of milk.

Yep, of course.

Get her Italian at a restaurant with pizza.

Pint of milk.

And then mom goes, can I have some alcohol?

Wait.

Some water.

And then you get the, you know, gross you did it with dad line from the montage.

Yeah, you heard them do it, yeah, right.

Why are you surprised?

Right, this is where she says to her mom, I'm in eighth-grade mom, eighth graders know where babies come from.

And I wrote in my notes, in Noah's hometown, they have babies, yeah, right, yeah,

um, and they're not allowed to know in eighth grade.

So, and she's like, So, I'm gonna have a sister.

She's like, Well, I don't know, I might still get an abortion.

We're in one of the 26 states where pregnant people have rights still.

So,

and then, of course, Lucy's like, Wait a second, did you consider aborting me?

Okay.

And mom is like, two,

three,

four.

What?

It's the worst lie I've ever seen.

Come on.

It's phenomenal.

I didn't want a son.

There's a montage happening in her head.

And then she's like, nope, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah.

And then

Lucy gets at least slightly eugenic here.

She's like, all right, well, if it's a boy, maybe you can get an abortion.

I'm like, wow, really?

The movie.

Opposite of Elon Musk.

Well, that's not.

And then they shoehorn in their like all-the-way anti-choice message here.

Mom being like, so what do you think?

Would you enjoy a beautiful sibling?

Or do you prefer murdering a baby?

We're doing it.

What is we doing?

What do you think we would do?

Hypothetical.

Yeah.

So, okay.

So that morning we have the breakfast telling the parents that the house is haunted scene again.

And I know what you're thinking, podcast listener.

Oh, no.

I did that thing where I touched my iPhone while the podcast was playing and went back several minutes to the first time this scene happened.

No, no, no.

This scene happens multiple times throughout the movie.

She's like, there's something in my room at night.

And they're like, is it Jack?

And she's like, what?

And they're like, never mind.

Never mind.

Yeah.

She says there's something in my room at night.

And the parents are way less concerned than they should be, even knowing that the something is supposed to be a ghost.

I would definitely asking what the thing in the something was before I was like, hey, you're probably just a crazy.

Yeah, dad starts joking on, are you on drugs or something?

But she's like 13.

Like, she might be.

Yeah.

Right.

Like, that's not a joke thing.

Right.

So, but she's like, but I have evidence that there's a ghost.

Look at this.

The ghost took a picture of my hand with my phone.

Right.

And the people who made this movie, Sammy included, no offense, Sammy, Sammy, don't understand how absolutely hilarious the notion of a fetus taking a selfie of his sister's hand is.

Well, so okay, so this is where I start to believe that this actually was based on a true story, right?

Because like, this is the kind of dumb shit that people actually say as evidence that their house is haunted.

I dropped my phone and it took a picture in the direction it was facing.

How could that ever have happened, right?

So that strikes me as a, we're actually stuck with this source material kind of a moment.

Yeah.

But the phone was facing the other way.

It doesn't matter.

That doesn't matter.

It does.

It has cameras on both sides.

So then we watch mom on her phone, not writing.

She never fucking does any goddamn work.

There's one scene where she ever gets any fucking work done, but she sure is thinking a lot.

And then she hears a mysterious sound somewhere in the fucking house.

We are 25 minutes into this movie.

Yeah, this is the 11th time somebody's like, what was that?

And walks around in the house.

She won't find anything.

Now, we should also point out they have a dog, right?

Like, I just imagine my life if every time I'm trying to work, get some work done and I hear my cats doing some shit, I get up and wander around the house looking to see what the fuck it was.

I spent so much of this movie going, huh?

I guess scary movies are harder to make than I thought they would be.

Right?

You take it for granted.

Yeah.

So we watch her walk up these stairs for so long that it stops being funny and starts being funny again.

It comes back around for us.

And then we get to, for the first time, the creepy attic.

Now, as Eli has already pointed out, this isn't a creepy attic.

It's actually a quite lovely attic.

It's all finished and it looks like a really usable space.

Bay windows.

Yeah.

Gorgeous lighting.

Some light pouring in through the windows.

Yes, exactly.

It's this lovely attic.

And they haven't really gone out.

So what they've done is they've got give us very narrow views of it and they've tried to throw like, you know, like Eli said, you know, a dusty cover over something or something like that along the way.

So she goes up into the attic and she discovers an abandoned Victorian pram.

Yes.

Now, I want to be clear, podcast listener.

I am a devout atheist.

I don't believe in angel food cake.

But if I walked into my attic and there was an old Victorian pram up there.

I am walking out the door and literally never coming back.

Okay.

Not running back down the stairs a little bit screaming.

Well, but here, oh, so here's the thing.

So many of the problems of this movie would have been solved if this family just moved into this fucking house.

But they're supposed to have lived here.

As far as we know, this girl, this like, you know, 12, 13-year-old girls, whole fucking life.

This is your attic.

This is your old fucking Victorian pram.

I was a little confused here.

Is this the first time she's ever been in this attic like there there's like another scene that we'll get to later that i'm also like do you guys not look at at the places in your house

yeah it's insane they find a whole stairway later yeah we'll get to it

and then by the way that old creepy decrepit pram That was the payoff.

We watched her walk around this house for four and a half minutes and she's like, oh, creepy stroller.

That's it.

That's it.

That is all we had.

It's still really scary.

I'm not going back up there until I have like a buddy system thing going on.

I'm not going back up there ever.

I'm never going into a room where there's a creepy Victorian pram.

There's no reason.

The best case scenario is I see an old pram.

This is why Eli and Heath have to have a friend like me around.

Okay.

So now mom has to go to the library.

Just us waiting outside on the bus to make Noah do it again.

Did you get the pram?

I've got to bring it in.

I'm going to get a hazmat suit or something.

Is it just a regular one?

Did you check for other prims?

Other Victorian things?

I'm still scared from here.

I'm going to leave.

Is there a lady in a lace veil sitting in one corner of the room?

You have to take her out too.

All right.

So now it's time for mom, who will, I think she gets a name like eight minutes before this movie is over, but she goes to the library to look up how haunted her house is.

And this is where she'll meet Mary Squire, Earth's most helpful librarian.

This is the greatest librarian of all time.

Truly.

I wanted the whole movie to be about her once we learned about her.

Just going above and beyond, really.

Yeah.

So they start talking about how haunted the house is.

I wrote in my notes.

Wow, if they'd given mom a name, we'd be passing the Bechdel test right now.

But she's like, hey, you know, like, I want to know more about my house.

And she's like, well, what would you like to know?

And they, and they beat her around the bush, but eventually she's like, well, you know, I'd like to, it's haunted.

So I'd like to know about that.

And she's like, oh, Rebecca, the ghost that lives in your house.

And I'm like, Mary, fuck you for making her ask like you you open with it

what open with the haunted house hey how about you name all the ghosts you know about just in case it's the one I'm clearly talking about if I say a place and you don't open with there's a ghost there you're on the ghosts team yes that's what you that's what side you're on now you're a ghost you're working with the ghosts you put that pram in there so yeah so she's like no no we actually have a we have a whole section of the library dedicated to people finding out who's haunting their house.

And she's like, wow, that's wildly convenient.

She's like, isn't it though?

So they go and they start looking together.

Mary has nothing else to do with her day.

So Mary's going to spend the rest of her day helping mom look through old photos of her house and shit.

Right.

Yeah.

And can I just take a moment to sort of have a meta conversation about the plot here?

Right.

Because we spoiled this at the beginning.

The ghost in the house is the baby she's about to abort.

So why does the librarian know about?

Has there been a pre-aborted baby ghost in the house for hundreds of years?

That's what I was trying to figure out.

Yeah, if this was like from the previous family.

Just someone hanging out in Victorian era being like, hi, sorry to bother you.

A lady might exercise her right to choose in 200 years.

Yeah, so it's okay.

So they actually try to write this out at the very end, right?

Because this is all a red herring.

Yeah, right.

They're going to spend most of the rest of this movie trying to track down who is Rebecca the ghost.

But then later, the librarian will be like, you know, maybe she just doesn't exist.

Maybe I just made her up in that one scene so that people wouldn't automatically know it was an abortion ghost.

Right.

So, but this is where we learned that the house

that they live in was invented, was built by the guy who invented the paper that American money is printed on.

That's so dumb.

Oh, my God.

But

that's who he is.

They don't use that at all.

They never call us that.

Yeah, I didn't catch any of this.

I must have just

heard it in one ear, out the other, and didn't matter.

Right, no, none of this matters.

Again, it's all red hair because she learns that, like, you just write it in a fugue state.

Excuse me.

This is, can I say something brave?

This is, I'm talking to an older person at an atheist convention, and I don't know how to escape the calmness.

Right, right, giving you all that.

This is a kid telling you a joke, right?

Giving you all the bad things.

And her daughter,

her daughter was a, oh, what's the

fisherman, but it's a specific kind of fisherman.

If you let me leave, I'll give you $100.

I said, do you listen to podcasts?

Sorry, give me one second.

I have to check a parachute.

I'll be right back.

I'll be right back.

So, yeah, but they learned that he was the homeowner.

They learned that their gardener was Jewish, a Jewish family named Klein that possibly had a daughter that possibly died and.

got ghostified in their house.

Okay, I am so grateful that you just said that right now because the sentence that was about to go come out of my mouth was, Who the fuck are these people?

And what do they have to do with the movie?

I saw the scenes you saw, but I walked away from this movie with no idea why we learned the servant's name or the fact that they're Jewish.

Yeah, that was, but we, there is no reason for this, right?

Like, they just had to write literally anything, and they're like, Ooh, what if it was a Jew?

Jew, that's creepy.

This is like, you think this is like woke representation in the head.

We'll have one Jewish.

There you go.

All right, everyone.

I asked a church, and none of the black people go to my church.

But we think Chris's daughter looks a bit Jewish.

So we think we can really DEI it up.

Well, as long as they do the worst imaginable German accent, I think we can pull it off.

Don Kong.

Diversity, Equity, Israelite.

We nailed this.

So, okay, so then mom goes home.

She's looking at the house and she's like seeing the memory of them, of the old family taking their picture with their Jewish gardener or whatever.

And as she's doing that, she looks up in the window and she sees the little ghost girl appearing as an apparition.

Except, like a competent filmmaker makes her, you know, just barely visible.

And can you see, is that a girl in there or not?

But she's just very obviously in the window.

She's just sick in the window, blowing bubbles,

squeezing her cheek down the glass.

Making little feet with her hands.

Anybody having a flashback while looking at an old photo, a flashback of a thing they were never there for, but somehow you should see me, just in case.

I'm farting up here.

Jewish farts in case you're wondering.

The farts of my people.

Real Gefilta fish fucks.

All right.

Well, that is the closest we've come to unambiguously a a horror movie thing happening.

So we're going to cling to that fruit, right?

But we'll be back in a minute with even more

Wraith.

I'm telling you, dude, just check the macros.

I'm not eating dog food.

I didn't say we were going to eat dog food.

I said check the macros.

Hey, guys.

What's all the sixes and sevens?

What?

Oh, it's a British idiom.

I'm running out of different ways to say this.

Right, right.

So Eli's trying to get me to eat dog food.

I didn't say we should eat it.

I said we should consider the macros before we eliminate it as an option.

You want to get in shape or not?

Keith.

Okay.

If it means eating dog food, not.

Oh, guys, if you want to get in shape, why don't you just try Fitbod?

What's Fitbod?

Fitbod customizes every workout and adapts as you improve to avoid boredom and plateaus on your journey.

That sounds great.

It is.

I downloaded Fitbod when they became a sponsor.

I love how I can get a workout in depending on how I feel and based on what equipment I have available.

That's why I, No Illusions, personally endorse Fitbod.

I don't know.

I always find that workout stuff hard to follow along with.

Not with Fitbod, you won't.

Fitbod has customized workout plans that work for you and over a thousand demonstration videos.

Amazing, Noah.

Where do I sign up?

Level up your workout.

Join Fitbod today to get your personalized workout plan.

Get 25% off your subscription or try the app for free for seven days at fitbod.me slash gam.

That's f-i-t-b-o-d.m-e slash gam.

All right, Noah.

Thanks.

Looks like you guys won't have to eat dog food after all.

Okay, but did you look at the protein before we drop it?

Yeah, man, because it's dog food.

I'm just saying.

Okay, it's pretty good.

And it has a lot of protein.

It's bacon-y.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I was hoping to find some information about my house.

I see.

And which house is it?

The gray one on Carver.

Oh, that's the Helmsum house, built in 1842.

Here, follow me.

Hmm, what's this?

This is our historical room.

We keep all of the info on all of the houses in town in here.

Amazing.

Yes, here you'll find the Helmsum family, their births and death days, the ghosts in their house, and the names of all their servants.

Sorry, what?

Yes, even the servants were kept track of.

I believe this one's name was Klein.

No, no, did you say my house has a ghost?

Oh, yeah, it does.

Now, let's see if we can find the blueprints.

No, no, no.

Sorry, sorry.

Can we actually talk about the ghost a little bit more?

Oh, it's an undead spirit, mostly in the attic.

Little girl, I think.

Did you know there used to be a garden in the backyard?

Focus up.

Right, sorry, ghost.

And we're back for more of this shit, and we're going to rejoin the family at dinner while mom tells them about what she learned in the previous scene.

She's repeating the old person story from the atheism.

And he was making money, making money.

Can you believe it?

Honey, I got to check a parachute.

Yeah, right.

And then she says, and I quote,

there is some sort of sadness here, some melancholy, a spirit.

Fucking what?

Yeah.

And this is where the little girl does like her celebration dance on top of dad.

She's like, see, I told you there was a fucking ghost, Dad.

Fuck it.

Piece of shit.

Get a job, by the way.

So, okay, so now she comes back to the library to look into them Jews in the background, right?

She goes to Mary Squire, the librarian, and she says, Hey, the gardeners that worked for the family that owned our house, their last name was Klein.

And she's like, Mary's like, Well, how do you know that?

She's like, I saw it in the flashback.

And she's like, Wait, you learned things from that flashback?

That brings up so many questions.

You were seeing that like physically before you,

you were seeing a vision that had useful exposition influences.

Why?

Wouldn't you scream upon suddenly being transported to the 1850s?

You know it was a vision.

And this is the very first part of the interaction.

So she shows up at the library again and comes in hot being just like, it's a Jewish guy.

It's a Jewish guy.

What?

That's a weird start to a conversation.

Hello.

It's the Jewish guy?

And she goes, you know, can we, do you think we could find their help?

And she's like, well, you know, those people were more in the shadows back in those days.

And I'm like, wish, you weren't talking about Jewish people when you said that.

She is.

She sure is.

Also, I feel like we were never in the shadows.

Can I say something brave?

I feel like we've always

been like, I don't know if you saw the gunner.

Well, when you were poisoning those wells, it helped to keep to the shadows.

Yeah, exactly.

That's how we get into it.

But so she says, well, why don't you ask the ghost what she's doing there?

So

that night,

Lucy wakes up to a creepy sound in the fucking night and gets up to check for monsters and shit.

Good times.

Drink.

Yeah.

I actually wrote my notes, Lucy's going to wake up to a noise.

There it is.

Yep.

It is truly unbearable how many times we watch this happen in the film.

So she gets up and she starts, like, let's, let's be honest, she starts tempting the ghost.

Yes.

Right?

She's like, she's like, I guess I'll stick my hand under the bed, but not look.

And now I'll put my ear to the vent.

I'll put my ear to the vent.

Nothing happens, right?

Because it's this movie.

This, yeah, this is where I really was like very impressed at how unbelievably not scary it was.

Like there's the shot where her

ear is leaning down to the vent.

Then a a hand slowly comes into frame.

And I'm like, okay, we're getting like ghost hands going to touch her.

No, it's her own hand.

It's her hand pulling back her hair so that it's not in the vent.

And just like, oh, no,

she's like with her own hand.

Let go of me.

Oh, no, that helped me.

She sticks her finger through the vent.

You're like, oh, something's going to...

lop her finger off herself.

No, she just pulls it back out and wanders off again.

Well, and there's also no shots of like what's in the vent.

It's just like her.

like normally in a horror movie you'd have the shot of of on the darkness under the bed yes we don't have we don't have that shot in this movie it's just a full wide shot of her and we would zoom slowly it's so silly she hears like a clanking noise and she's like okay it's probably the scrap metal collection under my bed getting rattled by a ghost

then we see the radiator vent thing and then i i love this part we see her they cut straight to it, her sliding her entire face so fucking side of the wall.

There's no way that's not funny.

Like a stethoscope

with her ear to the wall, checking for ghosts.

It's the silliest possible fucking thing.

And again, nothing happens in this scene.

She just goes from one, like, well, if it was a horror movie, surely something would eat my finger if I did this to another and nothing fucking happened.

Eventually, she goes and wakes up dad.

She's like, hey, there's a scratching in my bedroom.

And he's like, is it Jack?

And she's like, what?

And he goes, I'll check.

I'll check.

See if it's this fucking mysterious dog that hasn't shown up again in the goddamn movie.

She just starts sniffing around the room like a dog trying to smell a ghost.

Yeah, it was

fun.

So, okay, so they go downstairs.

Her and dad go downstairs to see if they can find a plot point down there.

Dad is shining a flashlight around,

but it's your house.

Yeah.

Right.

Like you could just turn the lights on.

Yeah, turn the lights on.

And he shines the flashlight at his own face a couple times.

Yes, I noticed

spoofy like a campfire, but that doesn't make any sense if you're looking at things in a dark area.

Now you can't see them anymore.

Yeah.

And she's like, and he's like, well, you know, it's probably a rodent.

And I'm like, right, because that's the sound that it's making is a rodent in the walls, right?

And those are real.

Yeah, there's a lot of reasons to go with rodents.

Not remotely scary either.

Yeah.

But then there's just a fucking weird screaming jump scare running through the house.

Okay.

I have to tell you about the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

In the middle of this jump scare, I mean, between ah and ah,

I got a Tubi ad.

I was watching this on a Tubi.

And it was literally like,

don't dishwasher soap, blah, blah, blah, blah.

97 minutes of DraftKings ads later, it was like,

I

wept with laughter.

The funniest comedy I've ever seen is Wraith on Tubi at minute 4112 or whatever.

Jesus Christ, that's amazing.

But yeah, so they're like, oh, mom must have screamed.

Let's run.

Because we should also point out that this, the reason Eli is able to get a tubi ad in the middle of this jump scare is that this jump scare is 11 seconds long,

right?

The ghost is screaming its way through the house, but it goes like up a set of stairs and it like, oh, not through that door.

I'll go through this other door.

Like it goes on forever.

They run upstairs.

Mom's asleep.

Right.

And they're like, oh,

well, I guess that screaming is

probably the rodent, probably a mouse or something.

Right.

Because they don't then go like, oh, there's a screaming ghost in the fucking house from that point on.

And then they start hearing a kid crying, right?

So they go to check that sound.

And I'm like, my God, we were already going to check a fucking sound.

You stupid ass movie.

So they go, this time they have to go to the attic.

Dad is so fucking stupid, he goes, you didn't invite any friends over to cry in the closets or anything, did you?

And she's like, no, I don't.

Like, she's going to go, oh, Chelsea, right?

She's always like.

Yeah, her and the dog are up here, actually.

I forgot about that.

Do you have any friends that do little girl screaming pranks on a radio?

Right.

So

they realize it's coming from the attic, and I love this.

This is maybe my favorite moment in the whole fucking movie.

Dad goes, why don't we check this out tomorrow?

I loved this as well.

It's the sound of a crying child coming from your attic, motherfucker.

Saving that till tomorrow is a crime, man.

Yeah, no, you go to jail for that.

They go up the attic.

He goes, I haven't been up here in ages.

And I'm like, it sounds like you're trying to establish an alibi about why there's a crying kid in your attic ben i'll tell you if my fingerprints are up here it is a coincidence that's just what i want to clarify right now he goes look at this but we can't because the movie is just showing his stupid flashlight beam oh sorry i've got it on my face look at this now but he doesn't even do that

but apparently this is where they notice a stairway in their own goddamn home that they never noticed before.

They've lived here for 10 years, according to later in the movie.

didn't know about a staircase yeah and to be clear it's not like they pulled a certain book out from the bookcase and it turned around to reveal it's just there it's just a staircase right yeah right it's not it's not magical even if it was that if i move into a house i'm pulling out every book to check if something spins and i get a staircase because that's awesome old ass house like that yeah fuck yeah you would when they found it i really wanted him to be like all right we got to call that inspector and get our money back this is really really something.

He should have noticed this.

And then, so they go down, and there's a creepy room with no lights.

And so dad says, let's split up.

You stay up here.

You stay down here.

I'm going to stay in this room neither of us have ever been in before.

I feel the urge to isolate my child.

That's what I feel.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, hey, you've got your phone flashlight, right?

Let's never, nobody checked the battery left on that.

I'm going to leave the room.

Yeah.

They're in the very first actual kind of scary situation.

And he's like, let's split up.

You stay here in this new secret stairway in the dark.

I'm going to sit there.

I'll knock on the walls.

I'll knock on the walls.

If there's any ghost attacks, I'll scream like a ghost to warn you.

Is that helpful?

Goodbye.

To be fair, he did want to check it out tomorrow.

No, that's true.

That's true.

He goes back to bed.

That would be great.

She's only got 3% battery, which only lasts one second.

I was going to say, 3%, you got like 15, 20 minutes out of that.

generally speaking yeah

but no but her light goes out so now we're just looking at the dark

stupid ass movie

but so she starts screaming she hears a ghost there's something weird there's a ghost flash right we see our first flash of the ghost and then dad just breaks down the goddamn wall of his home

Weirdest possible solution to this problem, right?

Because she knows where the stairway is.

She just walked down it.

Yeah.

So, but yeah, he breaks through the fucking wall.

He also knows where the stairway is.

Right, yes, you could just go down and get her.

He has a flashlight that still has batteries in it.

This is why I kind of in this moment was like, is this like another dimension?

But no, it's definitely not.

Much more sense.

Definitely not.

So then we get one of the most unintentionally hilarious moments of the whole fucking movie, right?

So he's sweeping up the wall that he just demolished.

He turns to the girl who was just molested by a UHF ghost and he goes,

you okay?

You want to sew that?

She says, no, you keep asking me that.

Yes, right.

Which implies that he keeps asking.

This is not the first time.

And that she keeps saying no.

And then he's just like re-asking for you.

How about, how about now?

How about now?

Show that whole scene.

That's hilarious.

You okay?

No.

Okay.

You okay now?

Parenting is just two, three, four.

Don't count out loud.

And then he goes, he goes, you know, this is a lot to sweep up.

Why don't we just go to sleep for now and we'll tackle this in the morning?

And I'm like, in the house that you both just heard and saw a demonic ghost in, I'm sure she'll sleep great, man.

You just smashed through a wall with an axe.

All right.

Let's call it a night.

Gonna hit the nasty trail.

The man is tired.

I'll tell you what, bursting through that wall to find you being hainted by a spirit did tuckered me out.

He's been trying to go to bed this whole time.

He's been

mentioning it.

Like a dad on Christmas morning, except there's a ghost.

Yeah.

Right.

This family loves milk and they love bed.

It's true.

They do.

But then they go, they decide to go outside and check for yard ghosts, and they hear that the scratching sound that she's hearing was like a mouse or something caught in the gutter.

Seriously, as they were walking, I thought it was going to be like, oh, there's an old stairway with gargoyles leading to the cracks in the yard.

I've never seen this before.

Is that a swimming pool full of blood?

Come on, kiddo.

Let's check this out.

And also, so, so, what we're supposed to meant to believe then is that the scratching sound is just a coincidence, right?

Like that they started looking for in the first place.

That just happened to coincide with a ghost wandering around their house, too.

But she very much saw the ghost.

I don't know how we're able to just kind of be like, oh, ha ha, the rat.

I guess it was a rat the whole time.

You saw it.

Did they think it was a rat crying in the attic as well?

Right?

Because they heard that too.

Yeah, they hear it in the gutter, and he goes, Well, problem solved.

And I'm like, well, the smaller

two problems.

But so they go in, they go to go back inside, but dad has accidentally locked them out.

So he's like, well, you know, if I've got to get a ladder to climb in the window to unlock the door for us, I guess we might as well save the gutter rat.

Do they try knocking on the door?

Nope.

Ringing the doorbell?

Nope.

Nope.

Bob sleeps pretty deep.

Better take a ladder up to her window.

Yeah.

But first, they're going to rescue the rat.

And I'm like, well, how is a ladder going to help you rescue the rat?

It's in the gutter, right?

Are you going to take the gutter up?

No, he's just going to smack the side of it and yell, get out of my gutter, you rat.

Yeah, he just wanted to smack the side up a little higher.

I think I guess.

But yeah, he falls, slaps the shenanigans with the ladder, and the squirrel, the rat, whatever, runs out, right?

So I have a theory.

I think think the fucking movie was doing a metaphor.

So when they first notice there's an animal in the gutter, dad's like, I'll call a guy.

And Lucy's like, okay, but like, will the guy kill it?

And he's like, yeah, probably.

And then they go rescue the animal and bring it out of the birth canal.

Oh, Sammy Nealton.

Oh, Sammy.

A beautiful metaphor.

Thank you.

Okay.

I found the slapstick moment of the ladder fall wildly inconsistent with the toe.

The mom is inexplicably awake downstairs, laughing.

We're all just like it's like the end of a Christmas episode of a sitcom.

Yes.

But out of because again, it has been ghost pop scare, trapped outside, rodent inside is dying, and then all of a sudden he's like, oh, my eggs,

tonally wild.

And then, yeah, and then mom is suddenly standing beside him going, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

We're like, what happened?

Yeah, okay.

So then

we watch Lucy get awakened by a strange noise at night.

This time in slow-mo, though.

Yes, all right.

Some-mo, wake up.

Drink.

So Lucy screams this time.

Mom runs in to check, right?

She's like, what are you screaming at?

She's like, look.

And she points at the corner.

where there's a drawing on the wall of two kids and it's labeled me and you.

Okay.

at this moment i was like seems like a seems like a nice ghost right a very casperly situation

like oh we'd be friends right this family feels anti-semitic is what i'm saying right yes

right like i was like i i wrote in my notes even if you haven't figured out that this is a pre-abortion ghost that isn't scary No, usually it's like a drawing of knives being stabbed into its like

when I find you.

Being your buddy.

Yeah, right.

And so, and of course,

if you're actually

buying into this Inspired by a True Story thing, what we have here is we have the daughter overhearing the parents talking about getting an abortion, right?

And then we have the mom telling her that she's thinking about getting an abortion.

And then the parents come in and some creepy ghost has written a don't get an abortion message on the wall about how she could have a sister and it would be pretty awesome.

And a squirrel inside a gutter is kind of like a great metaphor for what's going on.

Thinking I'm going to get really great grades, just in case anyone's wondering, I think I'm really going to.

I would love to have my parents live with me in their old age.

I'm not sure how much of David's feeling, but

it's okay.

So now dad has to fly away from the movie for a few days, you know, for his businessing.

And obviously, that's to set up something, right?

There must be some reason

why.

Anyway, yeah, you would think.

He would think.

And mom's like, well, I sure wish you wouldn't leave, you know, right when I'm pregnant and the house is haunted and he's like well you know there's never a good time to leave

right but there are times when the house isn't haunted you fuck you just saw a ghost yesterday that's what I love about this right because he saw a ghost yesterday he's like you know what I need to fly to another state

Okay, I have a question.

Do you think the movie was trying to set up a thing here and then they forgot?

So he's like, yeah, I got to get this job in the paper industry.

And mom's like, hold on.

Did you say paper industry?

And then they cut.

And like, are they going for, you know, something vaguely related to that family who, the guy who invented U.S.

mint paper back in the day that

employed the parents of the ghost girl we're led to believe here?

Very confusing.

But they're not.

They're not.

This is automatically.

I think they just forgot.

So they think to themselves, I think what happened is that this writer twice had to say, okay, what's a job where you make a lot of money?

Paper.

That happened twice.

And hey, that guy, when he was asking himself that question, was looking at paper.

I think we've had

comments

typing.

This really made me laugh.

She asks him, well, when are you going to be back?

And he says, there's no way to know.

Yeah, I feel like there is because you would have a return ticket.

I think there's a way to know.

so you could say maybe two or three days give me a ballpark you're just gonna

sorry i'm leaving now and there's just simply no way to know when i'll be back paper industry is very volatile you gotta just you get a one-way situation you know how it goes

so okay so now like lucy's leaving school mom is in the attic walking around just appreciating how genuinely creepy it looks if you look at it from this downward angle and you don't pan up

so

so she does that for a while we hear the ghost humming she opens up this like old wardrobe and finds an old dress i don't know what the because she hugs it and we don't know why she hugs it yeah or i don't know why did you guys figure out why is this i also didn't know why it's supposed to be rebecca's old dress i think right it's supposed to look like the girl that she saw in a vision while she was staring at an old photo

yeah uh i have some follow-up questions about

that without, I don't want to spoil anything, but.

Right.

But yeah, because this is an unrelated white dress.

Right.

I mean, that's what we're to believe anyway.

Okay.

So then it gets dark and stormy and mom, for the first time in her fucking, in the entire movie, is on her laptop getting some work done.

Now, we should point out.

This is right when her daughter's getting out of school and needs a ride home in the pouring rain.

The only time she's chosen to work in the entire fucking movie.

So Lucy's walking home in this pouring rain when all of a sudden pedophile Jack shows up to ask if she needs a ride.

And so Lucy goes to get in the car and the ghost goes, oh, come on, he's obviously a fucking pedophile.

Come on, look in the credits.

His name is Pedophile Jack.

Okay.

So

if, with apologies to Sammy, if this was a competently written movie, right, Thank you.

It would be like, no.

And then she gets in the car and we see the danger that happens.

But there's a no moment and then she's like, hmm, should I get in the car?

And the ghost full face fucking appears and is like, hey, sorry, I realized it was a little soft-spoken there.

Do not get into the car with him.

And she's like,

I'm on the right side.

You just take her right up here.

It's an SUV.

Is this cool?

No, no.

Don't.

She's like, well, it's raining, so I'll take my chances.

Right.

She ignores the ghost.

She gets in the car with Jack.

And this is one of those scenes where you genuinely need a good filmmaker for it not to be incredibly uncomfortable to watch.

And we don't have one, right?

We do not have one.

No, we do not.

Genuinely, like the only, like this movie was boring, but this was the only time it was unpleasant, right?

Was this scene?

Yeah.

Although I will say the real horror movie was definitely when this actor said, I'm just making nice, nice.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Horrible.

But yeah, but so she, but Jack, like drives past her house house and she goes, hey, wait a minute, what's going on here?

And he's like, didn't you hear the fucking ghost?

I'm pedophiled Jack.

Pedophile murderer guy.

And

so then

the ghost kills Jack with a heart attack.

Yep.

So this ghost fucking rules.

Like at this moment, I was very happy about Rebecca.

Oh, yeah.

And this role of like, oh, I foil pedophiles as a ghost.

Yeah, hell yeah.

But now the movie needs to be way different and they don't do that they don't no you need to spend the rest of the time you should spend the rest of your movie figuring out how to make this ghost comfortable being like hey do you want us to do like more candlelit evenings like would that be yeah the vibe yeah

this is your whole thing now yeah you want a ouija board yeah i was gonna say the ghost should the ghost should also be like on the lookout for pedophiles and shit yeah in the family christmas card just like

what's her name's in the eighth grade and the ghost saved her from being molested by a pedophile.

We're really glad she's here.

And so we should point out, too, because this scene is genuinely amazing, right?

Like, it's uncomfortable to watch up to this point.

But the ghost appears, and they don't have very good CGI in this movie.

So it's just a little girl who's got it, like, got white makeup on, and they've like they've touched her up a little in post or whatever, but it's just a little girl standing in, like, kind of in between him and Lucy, just going, boogity, boogity, boogity.

And they linger on it too long, and it's not shot correctly.

So it's not remotely like it's it's very clearly like a jump scare intended for people with bad hearts, right?

But it's supposed to be scary enough to give this guy a fatal heart attack.

And that's a juxtaposition that just fucking works, let me tell you.

Yeah.

So the car rolls to a stop like they do when you die, I guess.

Yeah, safely.

I don't know.

I never died in a car.

Yes.

Right.

And the ghost stands there in front of the car, like, all like, gotcha.

Do you see?

Hey, Lucy.

Do you see?

I jumped out and killed the fetching.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm going to listen next time you say that.

Yeah, no, I tell you, my bad.

I should have, I should have, I should have, you know.

McGruff the Crime Dog is standing next to her.

Really should have listened to the ghost, Lucy.

That was fucked up.

The more you know.

Listener, you don't know this because Morgan is a great editor, but Eli accidentally said McGruff the time dog first, and I want that spin-off so goddamn bad.

How dare you?

Keeping things in the

trust with McGruff.

yes yeah exactly universe love that all right jcvd yeah only you can prevent you from all from i from you only you can prevent paradoxes my version was better it was better so okay so then lucy she comes in right so it went and mom's like oh i'm so sorry that i made you walk home in a thunderstorm full of pedophiles i was working for the first time in the whole movie hope nothing bad happened yeah she's calling it from the other room she's like hon

you get attempted, molested, and murdered, but then a ghost saved your life.

I'm opening an Etsy store.

She says, guess I'm a bad mom.

Like, it is hilarious how torrential this downpour is, right?

This is a gather two of the unclean and seven of the clean animals level downpour.

And mom's like, oh, yeah, I guess I probably should have driven you home.

Rather than made you walk through lightning.

And she goes, well, your dad might have a job.

he's got a meeting coming up with jack

and and and lucy's like yeah no i i don't think that he does and she goes what she goes nothing nothing ghost dead he's he's ghost dead

and i guess she then goes on to tell mom yeah actually jack tried to molest me but then the ghost jumped out and killed him right because the next scene is mom calling dad

and telling him about jack's attempted pedophilia.

Yeah, it's very strangely, strangely handled here.

This is not, she, I feel like almost the first thing she says is like, no, we shouldn't call the police.

She's like,

what?

Right.

I feel like that's a call.

We don't want to go any further with this than we already.

What?

Yes, you do, though.

And also, so this is a small detail, but I love it when shit like this happens.

So clearly, when this was originally filmed, there was no dad voice, right?

It was just her on the phone.

delivering that one side of the phone dialogue.

And then whatever fucking idiots they found for a a test audience just didn't get who she was talking to here.

And so they ADR'd in some lines for dad, but he can't make it work because she just does the whole random, okay, okay thing that people do when they're faking a phone call.

Right.

So he says, like, I wish I was there.

And she goes, okay.

That's how my wife responds when I say that too.

I get it.

It's like my grandma when I say I love you.

Yeah, right, right.

Exactly.

So

and so, okay.

And, oh, there I go, too.

I wish she wouldn't put your wedding in air quotes whenever she talks about it, Eve.

I think it's really unkind of her.

See you at the wedding.

Yeah.

It's not what you deserve.

Then she gets off the phone with that.

She turns to Lucy.

Mom does.

And she goes, I would die if anything ever happened to you.

And then I'm like, well, then don't make her walk home in lightning storms full of perverts then.

Yeah.

Fucking terrible mother.

Pretty easy.

Something happened.

You should die.

That's exactly what I was going to say.

Something did happen.

Yeah, they are not treating this with the level of severity that it deserves.

They're kind of just like, oh, you're good.

Okay.

We don't need the cops.

All right.

Great.

You okay now?

Even if there wasn't, like, even in a non-ghost murder type of molestation, they're underplaying things here.

Yes, exactly.

So, okay, then we watch

shit, you non.

Lucy, wake up to a creepy sound to Ken.

It's nice.

It was nice because I got to feel like I was having Alzheimer's as I was

in the movie.

Yeah.

So we watch her look at the shadows on the ceiling for a little while, but then abortion ghost is in the room.

And so she says, hey, how did you know that guy was a pedophile?

And the ghost goes, oh, this movie's characters are incredibly one-dimensional.

How did you not know?

Right.

Yes, the ghost appears to victim shame her.

She's like, you were asking for it.

It's like,

ooh.

Hey, Rebecca, I know you're from like old-timey times, but that is not okay, girl.

Look at what you were wearing.

Hey!

Taking Rebecca to go see Boys Don't Cry.

Okay, do you get it now?

You understand how it's a part of the ghost?

I've learned so much.

She's like, hey, ghost, did you kill that guy?

And the ghost is like, no.

And I'm like, Don't you fucking gaslight us, ghost?

We were watching the goddamn movie.

You absolutely killed that guy.

Heart attack killed him.

Can't convict me.

Guns don't kill people.

Bullets kill people.

And I'm not.

You have to tell me if you are.

And then mom wakes up late one night to a ghost sound.

The ghost is looming over her, right?

And she goes, Who are you?

And the ghost goes, I want to live

in case you didn't get it yet.

Subtle.

Yeah.

And then mom hides under one sheet.

That ought to do it.

Yep.

That's the move.

And the ghost is like, hey,

that's nothing.

I can travel the astral plane.

I kill pedophiles.

I just did one.

I just did one.

So that's nothing.

Don't murder me.

Yeah.

And then the ghost, like, she pulls the sheet up and she's like, if I don't look at you, you'll go away.

And the ghost, like, touches her face through the sheets.

And the movie is like, who

touched your face through the sheets?

Ah, pretty creepy.

Pretty creepy.

All right.

Well, spoiler alert, ignoring the ghost does not make it go away.

So there's still a whole nother fucking act coming.

So let me give that one the hard sell.

Can ghosts go in reverse?

How did the pre-ghost learn to speak English?

Wouldn't a pre-ghost really fuck up Christian cosmology?

Find out the answers to nowhere near enough of these questions when we return for the frog-boilingly slow-burn conclusion of

Wraith.

And then when he announced the fourth set of tariffs, you bought it on the bounce.

Bought it on the bounce.

Hey, guys.

Why is Eli wearing gold chains?

Did he get booked by that Saudi prince to do a Christmas carol again?

Oh, dude, no way.

He's banned from like the whole country.

Okay, first of all, I'm not banned.

I have been asked not to come back.

And two, no, I got this from my amazing financial choices.

But you, you make the opposite of those.

He does.

But you know how Eli always tries to buy things on the bounce?

Buy it on the bounce.

Got it.

Well, he's been doing that with the U.S.

economy this year, and

it's kind of working.

Taco pee-pee!

He's doing the taco.

Right.

Well, that's still a terrible way to manage your money, Eli.

You're going to lose eventually.

Eli.

Yes.

Okay, Mr.

Smarty Gibbett.

What's a better way to keep track of my money?

Why, rocket money, of course.

What's rocket money?

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

That does sound safer than a rug pull on a meme coin.

That's because it is.

Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you.

They automatically scan your bills to find opportunities to save.

Then you can ask them to negotiate for you.

They'll deal with customer service so you don't have to.

Okay, but will it actually save me money?

It sure will.

Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when they use all the app's premium features.

$740 a year?

That's a full one of my two chains.

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money.

Go to rocketmoney.com/slash awful movies today.

That's rocketmoney.com/slash awful movies.

Rocketmoney.com/slash awful movies.

Gonna go buy two chains now.

Name's taking bugs.

Oh, really?

Three chains?

I think that one's free.

Maybe.

Nice.

I'll start saving.

Bit on the bouts.

So, how did everybody sleep last night?

Ugh, terrible.

I saw the ghost again.

Now, Ellie, I told you ghosts aren't real.

Actually, darling, last night, I saw the ghost too.

I told you?

Yeah, it came to me in a dream.

I was just lying in my bed.

Fucking said it.

No such thing as ghosts, you said.

And then all of a sudden, this vision appeared of a girl.

Couldn't fucking listen, though, could you?

Aw, kid must be making shit up.

Can't be a real ghost.

And she was dressed all in white.

Okay, so what do you think we should do?

Eat my entire ass.

That's what you should do, Dad.

You know what, Ellie?

We got it.

We got it.

I'm just saying.

Okay, you've said.

And we're back for still more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the action with Mary the librarian handing mom off to a priest who knows like more about that stuff and has a more impressive IMDb resume, right?

She's like, I want to keep looking up stuff about your house full-time as my job, but

she says, he tried to help me recently.

I hope he can help you.

We never find out what that means or what that's in reference to.

No, and he actually throws some cold water on it later.

Yeah.

As if she's overstating things.

Yeah.

But apparently, yeah, he helped Mary with a ghost at some point in the past.

Oh, that's very funny.

There's like a little bit of drama hinted at between them.

Oh, you're right.

There is.

It's like, yeah, I don't know what she's doing.

I don't care for her.

Actually, if you think about it, this is pretty good writing in this one particular moment, right?

Yeah.

Take a moment to appreciate how these characters have rich backstories and lives outside.

Almost like someone should have optioned a sequel

or a prequel, even.

Yeah.

Well, but again, this, this, like, this speaks to the whole, is it really based on a true story thing?

Like, there actually was, actually, no, he did fuck the librarian that one time.

And this is sitting in their dark past.

But yeah, so she goes to see him.

He's a priest, and she comes across him typing in the dark.

And it's, it's fucking, it's Bishop from Alien.

Lance Henriksen.

I hate to see it.

Yeah.

Not a real man.

Well, I'm glad he's getting work.

Yeah, I guess.

And he's my best worst.

He's blind sometimes.

Is he?

Yeah.

The movie got confused and thought he was deaf for a second.

Visually impaired, I guess.

Yeah.

In some way.

Yeah, she tells him her name and he goes, I don't recognize that name.

And I'm like, me neither, because that's the first time in the goddamn movie that anyone has said it.

Her name is Katie, by the way, in case you didn't know.

Jesus.

He says, well, you know, I know the names of all of my parishioners, and you're not one of them.

She goes, You remember the names of hundreds of people?

I'm like, Everybody remembers the names of hundreds of people.

What are you fucking talking about?

I could name hundreds of celebrities and historical figures.

But he goes, No, thousands.

And she goes, Ooh, thousands.

Well, that's even more.

Again, I know it's supposed to just be an impressive line in a movie, but practically speaking, that would make you a terrible priest, right?

And be like, well, I can't really do the sermon today because I

say thousands of names in my head.

Well, right, yeah, because, yeah, he says, I pray for every one of my parishioners.

And she goes, wow, all thousands of them?

He goes, well, even more than that, because I pray for the unborn ones, too.

Well, not just the this, he puts it in the craziest position.

Those who have not yet breathed and those who are about to breathe their last.

And I just want to point out that those who are about to breathe their last are still considered people.

Yep, they're just people.

That's just

you don't understand.

I pray for old people too.

I'm fucking in it to a winner.

And then he does this weird quiz.

He's like, tell me, are you Catholic?

And she's like, we're not religious.

And he's like,

true.

She's like, sorry, why?

He's like, no, you're going.

Sit down.

I have mysterious things to say.

Who said Jew?

Someone said Jews.

And then she's like, well, let me tell you why I'm here.

I actually have a house that is being haunted by.

And then the fucking receptionist cuts her off mid-sentence and goes i'm here with donuts and coffee now and we're like wow you've really shoehorned this character in certainly we'll see her or reference her again in any way won't we

uh i also really laughed at the priest asks her I'm pretty sure he asks her how she takes her coffee and she says like with sugar and milk and he translates that to a cappuccino, which is not the same thing.

No, it's like, can we get her a cappuccino, please?

Get her a cappuccino.

You know, one of those fancy.

She didn't say black, so I passed her.

We got that new gravel.

It's like, oh, he spruced up her order for her.

She doesn't know what she was.

She's come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Best

if the men make the decisions.

So, yeah.

She says, well, you know, so we think, and she has to dance around it, right?

She goes, well, we think there might be something in our house.

And he goes, is it fucking bigger than a bread box?

And she goes, like, like a spirit.

And he goes, okay, is it a dangerous spirit or like a casper like situation and she says dangerous and i'm like based on what it drew on the wall she knows he's a priest she wants to be

well it's in danger of fuel pedophiles

so so the bishop's like um

What aren't you telling me?

And she goes, well, it's actually, it's too early for the reveal.

And he goes, this is act three.

Are you sure?

And she's like, well, we just introduced you as a character.

And he goes, well, that's

fair.

Oh, it's a Jewish ghost.

Did I mention that?

Is that helpful to you?

Yeah, that's very important.

Thank you for being mad about me being atheist, but Jewish ghost, we're going to ghost bust that, right?

Yeah, thank you for being clear.

So, yeah, but Bishop, he knows

an abortion ghost when he hears about one.

So he's going to disappear from the movie until she's willing to admit her fucking crime, I guess.

So, okay.

So now mom's at the house.

She's staring at pictures because otherwise she'd have to get to fucking work.

I'm not somebody who normally would blame a person for their poverty, but they live in a $6 million home and neither of them ever do any work.

So anyway, so she's talking to the ghost, I guess.

She's just saying the plot out loud to the room.

But she's fucking, she's trying to do like a one-knock, two-knock system, but getting nothing.

She's like, are you trapped?

Do you...

Do you like it here?

Are you, is it smaller than a house?

Animal, vegetable, mineral.

Well, and they're doing this because they need her to like expose it a little bit further or whatever.

But like,

just make Mary turn into her friend.

And now Mary's over here having tea with her or

put this in with the priest thing.

It's so fucking easy to fix this.

Okay.

So now dad gets home from the airport and you're like, really?

Because nothing happened.

There's never a reason for him to have left.

And we're like, yep.

But she's mad at him for leaving.

You know, he's like, how's it going?

She's like, well, I'm pregnant in a haunted fucking house is how it's going.

Duh.

Again, no, no mention of the daughter being assaulted and witnessing a death nope just right your business partner tried to rape our daughter but a ghost murdered him but more importantly you left me on child duty alone for a weekend yeah

and i love this moment too right because she's like so how did that trip that i said was going to be useless turn out and he goes it was useless and she goes huh

Weird.

So

you're going to kill it?

Yeah, right.

Well, they start having the abortion question.

And I wanted so bad for her to be like, well, look, I was going to keep the baby, but then I realized I'd be bringing a baby into a haunted house, and I can't do that, right?

So I should get an abortion.

Okay, but it's like the best ghost.

This is a ghost that kills pedophiles.

You have an awesome ghost.

Yeah.

He goes, dad goes it this way.

He goes, Because she's like, well, you know, this apparition is really starting to affect my thinking on this.

He goes, you're going to let some apparition affect your judgment?

What a weird take.

Yeah.

Oh, are you on your period?

Every time you see a ghost, you're on your period.

Then he goes, Is this part of being pregnant?

And I'm like, not traditionally, no.

You know, pregnant ladies getting their minds changed by ghosts.

It's that classic

that and eating pickles.

Classic setup from Deaf Comedy James.

Always having their period while they're pregnant.

And then he goes, Well, can we even afford a baby?

And she goes, Fuck

you.

How dare you?

But

you should ask.

Why shouldn't?

Okay, I'll see myself out.

No, that's what you're not.

What's important is whether the ghost in your house wants you to have that baby.

And then you make talks about finances.

Right.

So, but she tells him, I'll take care of it, right?

Which could mean anything, actually.

But then we

watch dad wake up in the middle of the night for milk.

I bet they were sitting around.

He is too, isn't he?

Oh, my God, he is.

He also had a writer that was like, swigs of milk whenever I want.

Right out of carton.

You have to let me.

Straight out of the carton, exactly.

Oh, yeah, this movie is just falling into its own asshole at this point.

He gets up, and then we get this like painfully predictable ghost behind the refrigerator door.

But it gives him a hug.

Well, right.

This is clearly such a dangerous ghost.

Yes, right, yeah.

Terrifying.

But the way this scene works is he closes the door, we see the ghost, and then there's just a flash and the scene's over or he like,

you know, rubs his eyes and the ghost is gone.

But it's not.

And he's just like,

do you want

some milk?

Can I help you?

Yeah.

And then the ghost hugs him and says, daddy, and still nobody's nobody's figured this stupid fucking shit.

I really wanted the ghost to be like, Hey, like, I don't want to be that guy, but like, I saved your daughter from a sexual assault, and your wife has not, nobody has mentioned it.

I just feel great.

I feel crazy.

You have to be my dad now.

I don't like you.

I was just doing a nice thing.

And I guess now that I like reflect on myself, I feel like now it feels like I was in it for the praise, but I just feel like someone should mention it.

I killed a man because he's in the house.

I see him sometimes.

It was just a heart attack.

Got to get more of those good fats.

Yeah.

So, okay, so now mom is at the abortion clinic getting an ultrasound, right?

And she's like, does it look ghostly or anything?

Any abortion?

She is supposed to be nine weeks along.

This ultrasound is a video of my son playing on a Spots Friday.

It's

a five-year-old.

Yeah.

Okay.

An ultrasound looks like a ghost, though.

Do you think that

has an effect on these people?

Yeah, kind of, kind of regardless.

It could be.

And so she says, well, hey, is there any ultrasound has the little baby in the background?

Look in that window.

So, okay.

So, but then she asked the abortion doctor, she's like, well, is there any risk at this point?

And she's like, no risk whatsoever from abortion, really.

Pregnancy is, whoa, she's a minefield, fucking minefield of risks.

But no, no.

But

she's an abortionist.

She's got that bloodlust going.

So she's like, hey, Kanum, can we schedule you for next week?

We're trying to get our baby murder quota

to the Girl Scouts.

She's like, yes, you can.

And then we cut to the house and it's losing its shit.

There's fucking doors are slamming and cupboards are rattling and drishes are breaking and white Cheetos are flying everywhere.

And then Mary the librarian calls.

She's like, hey, you know, I found the Jewish gardener's graves.

Turns out they didn't have a daughter.

This is such a great librarian calling from the cemetery after having done detective work on the outside.

Mary, you really didn't need to do all that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Out of her way.

Okay, but then I wanted her to ask her, okay, then who is Rebecca and why did you bring her up?

Yeah, why did you say that?

Well,

she does ask that.

She says, Well, then who is Rebecca?

And Mary says, Well, she may never have existed.

Okay, I laughed a lot.

Right?

Sometimes I just make stuff up when people go to the laugh.

Oh, did I say that?

I really didn't expect this.

Lie is really gotten away from me.

I'm standing here in a fucking cold-ass cemetery.

I'm so bored.

I'm just like, oh, that sounds like Mary.

And just

wouldn't shut up about it.

And then there's one more little pop scare here.

So she says, well, I guess Rebecca might not exist.

And then like a glass gets thrown in the kitchen where everything's fucked up.

I think Rebecca was like mad about hearing that the awesome

is like,

you don't exist.

All right, throw a glass.

Fuck you.

Okay, but what's the dress the dress upstairs?

If there's no Rebecca, the ghost dress.

Right, great question.

Great question.

That's what I was confused about.

She's a little girl dressed for who, right?

Yeah.

So, okay.

So then we watch Lucy get out of bed because she heard it.

She's going to do a little tete-a-tete with the ghost now.

Yeah.

And this is, this is my favorite interaction with the ghost in the whole movie.

And I know you'd think it would be murdering the pedophile, but this is literally how the interaction goes.

I'm only exaggerating a smidgen podcast listener.

She goes, the ghost is chatting with the little girl and goes, so what's it like to be alive?

And Lucy goes,

eh, yes.

Take her to leave it.

He's kind of messed.

I describe it as gaw.

I think.

Middle class is kind of dissolved.

And post-2016, it feels like social internet's really ruined a core part of being human.

I wouldn't wreck.

What I'm saying is I wouldn't wreck.

Abortion sounds great, actually.

Devoured by the demon Moloch.

So then, and we see her like we cut away from her, and she's laying in bed.

And the ghost is laying with her in the bed, but the ghost is taking up way more than her fair share of the bed, kind of man-spreading with the arms there.

And again, it's unintentionally fucking hilarious, right?

Because then it just becomes this like, yeah, you know, the ghost in my house, you know, it's she's, she doesn't, she's not bad, but she takes up way more than her fair share of the ghost.

It's more just annoying than scary.

Yeah.

It felt like a sleepover moment for like a good five seconds.

I was like, yeah, they're just chatting.

Mansion, apartment, shack, house.

Let's catch it up.

See how they do it.

So then, okay.

So then we get a quick mom nightmare, right?

Mom gets the covers ripped off of her by a ghost that gives her shit for aborting her.

And then the ghost screams Moloch,

which is fucking amazing.

If you're a Bible nerd, weird ass atheist like I am, is fucking amazing.

Now, they will go on like from that point on in the movie to spend the rest of the movie basically explaining what that means.

But if you already knew it was the greatest goddamn laugh point ever.

Yeah, this is how Marvel fans feel when, like, Gorfin walks into the scene and they're like, oh my God,

no way.

Yo, in seven movies, that's going to pay off so hard.

And in our notes, we were like, Sammy, you don't even know.

He's this bull.

He's got balls full of blood.

It's all completely invented.

It's a lie about the Phoenicius that's in only the Bible twice.

It's so cool.

But this mom's an atheist, so Moloch gets screamed at her, and she'd be like, sorry, what?

Yeah, well, she is, right?

She's like, oh, that sounds like a fucking, maybe a Bible word.

I'll go ask Bishop the Bishop.

Rebecca's like, oh, you should probably go to.

Do you have a bishop or like a library person who knows like a whole bunch of useful stuff?

Check it out.

All right.

Come back.

I'll scream something else.

Stupid.

So she goes to see Bishop Bishop.

And he, I guess, recognizes her smell now or whatever.

And he goes, you were visited again.

And she goes, yeah, you know, abortion ghost said the word moloch does that mean anything to you and he goes i can't say that word in this sacred place and i'm like it's in the bible what do you do when you get to those parts do you just say m word in your service

unto the m word

one of the practitioners is like i'm sorry what no m is in marrying yeah

right i said clownhorn you hear it

and so so he takes her to a less sacred place and he tells her about moloch and he's like you know he was a god in the Bible that you sacrificed children to.

And I'm like, yeah, so was Yahweh.

Yeah.

Actually, as it turns out, he has way more babies sacrificed to him in that book than fucking Moloch ever does.

So they're like, well, they sacrificed him by fire.

And I'm like, oh, right.

Yeah.

No, not stabbing him on the altar like a civilized person.

Right.

Yeah.

Not the cool way and not the basis of your whole religion, which is actually super chill.

We'd hate for there to be human sacrifices apart from someone's cool.

Can you imagine, Sammy, the idea that a human sacrifice was essential to your love?

Yuckoo.

Also, I love that Christians can't help but lie about this part of the Bible, right?

Because there's like four good sentences in the Bible, and one of them is, hey, don't sacrifice your babies like they do over in the Phoenicia.

Don't do that.

That's the sentence, but they're always like, in this scene, he's like, the pagans loved it.

Good Tuesday, kill a baby.

Bad Tuesday, kill a baby.

They just fucking love killing babies.

Yes.

Right.

And she goes, why children?

And I wanted him to go, like, well, you know, they fight back less.

But he goes, no, Moloch mocks God by wanting what's his.

And I'm like, you just said Maloch doesn't exist, right?

Like, are you admitting that there is another God now?

Which is the other funny thing about Moloch, right?

Because the whole Moloch thing doesn't make sense if there isn't another rival God other than Yahweh, right?

Because that's what it is.

It's a vestige to a time when there were other gods that the Bible was recognizing, right?

And they were trying to, and all the things about Moloch being a child sacrifice God, that's all the later inventions trying to force all the child sacrifice stuff that happened in Yahweh's name onto some other God by later biblical writers as well, right?

So it just makes it even fucking funnier.

Right.

Trying to retcon dead babies in

the book.

Yeah.

They are.

So, but Bishop ultimately, he's like, so, hey, have you.

Have you figured out that we're talking about abortion yet?

Or are you still, you're still, okay, all right, all right.

Well, I guess I'm going to reveal that later now.

What else could he possibly be talking about he's like does that sound relevant to you at all and she's like no i never met a cow godhead that has a bowl full of blood and he's like well maybe

related kind of she's like nope nothing like it

so consider that in her mind he's just telling her about jews Right, because she still thinks that it's a Jewish family's daughter.

So the app so the obvious implication is that they sacrificed their daughter to Moloch and she's haunted.

The ghost of that daughter is haunting the house.

Woof, I just made it Nazi.

Sorry.

I mean, that's just how it, how it, like, that's, I didn't write it.

Sammy wrote the fucking thing.

That's true.

Yeah, Sammy.

You're the one who wrote it.

Yeah, I got to own up.

I got to.

My bad.

So then we cut to Lucy.

She's chilling on the swing.

So then we cut to Lucy.

She's chilling on the swing, chatting with the ghost.

The ghost is like, hey, I have to leave the movie in another couple of scenes.

She's like, why is that?

And And she goes, Moloch.

So we see mom, she's upstairs staring at that creepy Victorian pram again.

She reaches into it, but a jump scare grabs her and she wakes up from that nightmare by sitting straight up.

Yeah, she does.

I can fight myself.

I feel like this is the closest to an actual scary moment because something actually happens.

Like, usually there's a lot of the like leading up.

And is there going to be a scary thing here?

This is, I think, the only time where there is.

The only moment of classic horror we get is the grabbing out of the baby prem.

Which, to be honest, it's like crazy effective because this movie has just lulled you to sleep where, you know, like the 111th time, it's like, but is there something creepy in here?

You're like, no, there's obviously not.

And it's like, but there is this time.

There is the.

We had one.

The one scary moment in the movie.

And then they're like, nah, it's just a nightmare.

Everybody comes out.

Yeah, right.

So, yeah.

So then we get all these like twisty haunted house shots.

And I wrote my notes, what if she got so stressed by the ghost that she miscarried?

Right.

The ghost has really not thought out the plan here.

Right.

Because I feel like there is an argument to be made that, yeah, the mom would be like, well, I can't have a baby.

There's my house is haunted.

Yeah, exactly.

Like, this is really scary.

And

don't want to bring a baby into the world where there's ghosts.

Yeah, there's definitely a point of diminishing returns.

Yeah.

Yep.

So, and then we, so it, and then Bishop, so the house is going nuts, right?

It's like creaking and moaning and freaking out, and the camera's spinning sideways.

It rotates a little bit, yeah, it's a little bit of a rotation on its foundation, clearly.

But then, bishop bishop shows up, and the abortion ghost knows better than to fuck with the priest, so it calms down,

right?

So, he knocks on the door, and then there's this weird moment where he has to be invited in like a vampire.

I noticed that I watched sinners this year, and I was like, you're not fooling me,

absolutely not.

This whole movie became a sinner spin-off the second that happened for me.

Also, when he arrives at the door and the dad sees him for the first time, the mom is like, this is the priest I was telling you about.

She's like, yeah, no shit.

My distress doesn't care.

Oh, I thought this was a different blind Catholic priest showing up in her house.

And they go, Are you going to bless the house?

And he goes, nope.

And then just wanders off into their house.

And they do not follow him.

Nope.

Just leave him to it.

He goes, It's too late for a blessing.

He brings out all his exorcism stuff.

And this is where he completely forgets his character is supposed to be blind because he's just like walking upstairs and taking the turns at the landings.

He's got no fucking stick.

He's got nothing.

But when he wanders into the eighth-grade girl's room and just flicks a little water at her face,

that's so funny.

I laughed for a while.

So he comes in.

He's like, I'm going to to exercise your house.

And nobody thinks we should tell Lucy.

She's just upstairs on her headphones.

She doesn't know nothing.

Priest walks into her room and she's like, hey, just before you try anything, because I see the collar, I do have a protector ghost.

Yeah, right.

She takes out my pedophiles for me.

You probably know my Uncle Jack.

Yeah.

And so he flicks the holy water on Lucy.

She doesn't say a word.

Her entire reaction is just like

huffy glare.

And

a little bit of a teenage eye roll.

Yeah, right.

Back to her phone.

Fucking priest.

And then he goes into their bedroom, into mom and dad's bedroom, and he flicks water on their bed, or at least that's why that priest told them there was a wet spot on their bed later, I guess.

But then he feels the real evil, and that's coming from the attic, right?

So the music ominously escorts him to this, again, not at all creepy attic.

He's, you know, doing his Latin chanting and whatnot.

And then the abortion ghost knocks him the fuck out with an uppercut.

Okay.

I challenge you to say or write anything funnier that could have happened in them than an invisible dragon punch of yes.

He gets holleucated

by the fucking moment.

Short of him being pants and like Beelzebucking behind him and doing the push into the pool.

I can't think of a funnier, less scary thing for there to happen in this moment.

Oh, he goes up off his feet from it like the end of Friday.

It was fucking amazing.

And then he just,

and again, like, this is based on a true story.

I think what happened, right, is that they invited this real blind priest and he tripped and he fell.

He came up down and there, he's like, oh, this bloody lip Satan punched me in the face.

Like, have you ever seen him?

He's just going to fight with a demon.

Okay.

Come back with a buddy who sees.

I don't know.

You got a priest who sees back there, right?

We have a dog.

I don't know who the fuck he is.

Here are the notes that I have in order while he's getting in a fist fight and losing with Malach.

And a right hook from Malik.

Never in the history of WrestleMania have I seen anything like it.

Why is it the ref stepping in?

With the steel pram.

Okay.

There is a moment.

There is a moment where he's lying on the ground and he's asking for Jesus' help where he's like, Lord of lords.

And I was like, I'm, because Sammy, a joke that I have made multiple times on our radio program is Jesus is going to appear to the priest and tell him to get up, you son of a bitch, because Mickey loves you.

And I was afraid to write it in my notes because I thought it might actually happen.

Yeah, that was the vibe.

The chances that Yahweh is just like, come on, work the body.

Work the body.

No, look, I wrote in my notes, Abortion's ghost steps in to give him the get up, you son of a bitch speech.

Damn it, Eli beat me to that joke.

And then

it happens.

And then, damn it, the movie happens.

She whispers the reveal into his ear or something, I guess, because this idiot fucking movie doesn't think we figured it out yet.

Or either that or Sammy was going for a lost in translation type of thing here.

Interesting.

Yeah, let's go with that.

So then so he goes limping downstairs.

They're like, what happened?

He's like, I got my ass kicked by a demon, but I won.

I beat it ultimately.

It's so fun.

Okay.

I know this wasn't what they were going for, but absolutely the read of this scene is someone who got the shit kicked out of them, pretending they're fine and not accepting help.

Yeah.

Just like Steven Seagal after getting choked out, he shit his pants and he's like, I got him.

I got him.

I'm both a fat guy and an old guy at this point in my life.

So when I fall down, I am hurt forever.

And I do this and I fall down.

I'm like, no, I'm good.

I'm good.

And then I like walk half a block and curl into a ball and weep.

So

he wanders off into the front lawn and I wanted him to just collapse and be like, oh,

God.

He goes, and then he's got a hint around to him about the don't get an abortion thing, right?

And she's like, is there anything we could do to keep that ghost and demon from coming back?

And he's like, don't give it what it wants.

And she's like, what does that mean?

He goes, protect all the life in your home.

And she goes, you mean Lucy?

He goes, all the life.

And she says, you mean Lucy?

And she goes, you fucking.

I didn't care about Lucy.

You mean eat healthier?

No, no.

Stop eating.

You mean the dog?

Do you mean stricter gun control in the state?

Vote for a stronger social safety.

God damn it.

So mom goes up to the attic and then we hear

a long little girl narration about a spider that got painted over on a fucking mailbox.

Yeah, I don't know what I was doing here.

From the author of You Know How You Can't See Where the Wind Is Going comes

aborting your fetus is a little like a spider that got paint on it.

I guess, yeah.

At one point, she turns to the ghost, right?

Because the ghost is in there with her.

She goes, why are you here?

And she says, the ghost goes, you don't know?

Because the twist in this movie is so fucking obvious.

It's obvious.

Pretty, what else could it be?

Yeah.

And mom goes, well, you know, you're kind of ruining our lives.

It's like having a baby that you can't afford.

And then she says, the ghost says, I'm here to protect your daughters.

And mom goes, daughters.

And then she realizes it.

What do you mean?

Yeah, right, right.

She still doesn't fucking get it in this stupid ass movie.

And then abortion ghost vanishes like Batman.

And then this movie still thinks it's it's going to trick us with this, right?

She wakes up in a medical facility, but is it a hospital or an abortion clinic?

Right?

Who knows?

And it's so funny because, right, the whole thing is like, have a baby or you're feeding Malik, have a baby or you're feeding Malik.

And he's like, okay, you have to get out now.

And she's like, oh,

people who just did what I did used to be treated better.

And he's like, yeah, well.

Yeah.

Should have thought that before you did this thing.

Anyways, bye.

And he goes, she goes, I'm at peace with my decision, which which is an insane thing to say if you just had a child right i would if if when i walked in and saw my wife holding my son if she had said i'm at peace with my decision i would have taken him away

i would have been like cool cool cool cool cool i'm just gonna hold him for a second

what decision are you at peace at i'm gonna ask him out in the hall just real quick And then we cut to her sitting in a chair at home, smiling at the dawn, and then the camera pants down.

And yes, there's a baby there

it's two year old and it's two years old

so yeah and they've named her rebecca after the abortion ghost after the jew which is it's gonna yeah it's gonna be really weird when she grows up later and says mom why'd you name me rebecca Okay, well, we were gonna, we're funny, funny story.

We were gonna abort you.

So your dad, he says, we can have another drink.

We'll take an Uber home.

Rebecca means to tie firmly.

And that had something to do with that evening we did.

And so then, so dad comes in and he takes the baby because this stupid movie does not know when to end.

Mom says, and I quote, well, you know, if you believe the old Italian proverb, every baby comes with a loaf of bread under their arm.

What?

And also, this really got me.

Why?

Why would you introduce that saying to the movie now?

Loaf of bread.

Is there anything else under there?

Like a Bitcoin wallet or a fucking job offer?

I mean,

right, yeah, yeah.

You guys killed Jack and he was my only connection.

And then we get this moment where Lucy is jealous of the baby for doing better on social media than she is.

I can get more numbers.

Yeah, I get it.

More likes.

Lucy starts trolling the baby,

sending it death threats.

And then we get the final eight seconds, which I love so goddamn much, right?

Because she goes to hand back the baby, and then we hear Lucy say, oh my gosh, it's her, but no one's speaking.

That is an 80-yard line because the fucking movie was over and the idiots that saw the test screening didn't figure out that the baby was supposed to be the abortion ghost.

Right.

So they had to add, oh my gosh, it's her.

And then

they had to add Eli's best worst because they're like, well, ghosts don't work in reverse.

And they're like, actually, the Oxford English Dictionary defines a wraith as a ghost that goes forwards and backwards in time like a tacky on a mission they have time stamp they have time stop as a natural casting ability and they cast it

they cast it at fourth level okay to be clear though if a baby gets born you're murdering a wraith right oh shoot

wow that changes the calculus and you're murdering a wraith that kills pedophiles i think that's a net negative for society it's just math right one that already has like wants and needs yeah oh wow so get on those abortions folks let's let's make sure that we make one

abortion ghost yes absolutely all right rape lives matter

well sammy thank you so much for suffering alongside us this week it has been an absolute blast to have you aboard Oh, the pleasure has been all mine.

I,

you know, do a movie podcast as well.

Most of the movies we watch are good.

Oh, okay.

That sounds delightful.

All right.

So, if our audience wanted to hear what it sounds like when you watch a good movie, where should they go?

So, the podcast is called Too Scary Didn't Watch.

It's available wherever you get your podcasts, or you can follow us on Instagram at TSDW Podcast.

And there's a lot of really good horror movies coming out this summer.

So, we do a summer series called Hellcella,

where we cover all the new releases.

There's going to be 28 years later.

Yeah.

That was a nice.

Hell, Cella is awesome.

That's so much better than, like, I don't know, spooktacular.

Why would you do this?

Well,

this is our second year doing it.

So this one's called Too Hell, Toocella.

Amazing!

TST dubs?

Yep.

So come check us out.

Eli's in the crying room.

He'll be gone.

I am in the crying room.

It's true.

But I really, really loved watching this bad movie and talking about it with you guys.

Awesome.

Well, we had a blast as well.

Thank you for having me.

And of course, check the show notes for links to Sammy's show as well.

And while that's going to do it for a review of Wraith, that's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to reel ourselves back into this trap again next week.

So Eli, tell us what's on deck.

Well, Noah, we're going to be visiting an old favorite, our good friends at Fire by Night, episode six, how to face the future.

Well, given what a great job he did facing the future,

I can't wait to see what advice he does.

Christian SNL, right?

Yes,

finally.

It's been too long since we did one of those.

All right.

So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 509 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com/slash godawful and thereby earn early access to an ad-free version of every episode.

Yes, Matreon's over, but that doesn't mean you can't still give us money.

You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Adias, Citation Data, DndD Minus, and The Skypager Grad available wherever podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodOffentMovies at gmail.com.

Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song is written and performed by Ryan Slotkin for DraftSol and Mars.

All the other music was written and performed by our audio share, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a chunk of your life this week for Heath Enright, Neil Lai Bossick, I've no lusions, promises to work hard to earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the American Graffiti Close.

Breakfast Club close.

Animalized.

Rebecca got distracted by abortions and let way too many pedophiles fly under the radar.

You gotta focus up.

The near abortion this was based on probably went on to find this a very uncomfortable watch.

The neglected dog wandered into the neighbor's house and never came back.

Now he receives daily belly rubs and endless treats.

Oh, I like yours.

Belly rubs.

Rebecca would go on to die in a school shooting.

Oh no!

Not sure where Marley was on that awful.

A beautiful ending note.

This content is can-credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountability network.org.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

I'm Brett Ski, and you're in California, and I'm here to tell you about SpinQuest.com, my favorite social casino, with over a thousand slots and table games, absolutely free with the ability to win real cash prizes instantly to your bank account.

There's no better time to hop on our $30 coin package for only $10 deal.

Head over today.

I love you.

I'll see you there.

SpendQuest is a free-to-play social casino.

Voidwear Prohibited.

Visit SpendQuest.com for more details.

It's time to head back to school and forward to your future with Carrington College.

For over 55 years, we've helped train the next generation of healthcare professionals.

Apply now to get hands-on training from teachers with real-world experience.

And as few as nine months, you could start making a difference in healthcare.

Classes start soon in Pleasant Hill, San Leandro, and San Jose.

Visit Carrington.edu to see what's next for you.

Visit Carrington.edu slash SCI for information on program outcomes.

Hey, I'm Eric Ripke, Showrunner of the Boys, here with my friend Sean Ryan, Showrunner of the Night Agent.

And on this episode of Creator to Creator, we will talk about the madness of making a TV show.

Listen to Creator to Creator, wherever you get your podcasts.