508: Bigfoot Blood on the Farm

It's time to head back to school and forward to your future with Carrington College.

For over 55 years, we've helped train the next generation of healthcare professionals.

Apply now to get hands-on training from teachers with real-world experience.

In as few as nine months, you could start making a difference in healthcare.

Classes start soon in Pleasant Hill, San Leandro, and San Jose.

Visit Carrington.edu to see what's next for you.

Visit Carrington.edu slash SCI for information on program outcomes.

I was sipping my latte when my friend gasped.

Her phone had just alerted her to a data breach.

Again, that's when I told her about CAPE.

It's not just another app, it's a mobile carrier built to protect your privacy.

No name, no address, no data collected.

Cape offers premium nationwide service for $99 a month.

First month, just $30.

Use code CAPE33OF and get 33% off your first six months.

She signed up that afternoon.

And now, no more gas.

Go to CAPE.co.

Privacy starts at the source.

But it's so clearly the fucking Wookiee costume that David and Ash are using to do Star Wars outfits together.

Yeah.

Con didn't shoot first tonight, right?

Right, babe?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm not letting that pass.

Do a Wookiee noise.

That's insane.

Insane how not a wookey noise.

God-awful

movie.

Movie.

Welcome to God-Awful Movies live from Portland, Oregon.

Wow.

Wow.

I had to check.

Woo!

Yes, I agree.

I agree.

I had to check and make sure you guys weren't overdoing my microphone.

You guys are really loud.

Awesome.

All right.

That's right.

This is the podcast where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because it's the only business left that's not being crippled by fucking tariffs.

I'm your host, No Illusions, and joining me from stage left, please put your hands together for my good friend, Heath Enright!

Hello, everybody.

Nice.

The real Antifa.

Yes!

Fuck yes.

Yes.

Last night, somebody told me this.

They were kind of offended.

Somebody from Portland was like, hey, at the beginning of the Seattle show a couple years ago, you said hello to Seattle as if they were Antifa.

They're not the fucking real ones.

We'll fucking kill those capitalist pigs from Seattle.

We are Portland.

Love it.

All right.

Glad to be here.

I'm not a cop, by the way.

I look like, I get, I look like that cop yelling, stop resisting, right before he does a crime.

I'm not, though.

It's good.

He has to tell you if he is.

Don't worry.

And of course, also joining us from stage left, please give it up for my bad friend, Eli Boznik.

Oh, Jesus.

What?

So

I can tell

I can tell the audience at home that it's green and that there isn't much of it.

For the rest of it, I'll have to ask you, Eli, what are you dressed as?

I'm dysentery.

Because of the Oregon Trail.

I'm really glad you guys aren't sensitive about that because I was really worried that was going to be your Boston marathon.

It's going to get real quiet all of a sudden.

This is always a good moment for me because I can see the spouses who were dragged to the show.

They start to glow with hatred.

Start thinking of the sexual favors they will demand

for the rest of the month based on this.

Don't worry, spouses.

He does have real clothes.

I have real clothes.

I'll make it real close.

So

now

part of our

Part of our pre-show job is to warn everyone who's going to be working for the venue

that Eli is going to do that.

Now, it's never been more awkward than it was coming immediately after our contact with the Hilton said,

so we're hosting an under-13 Pokemon tournament at the hotel this weekend.

So, how private is the backstage area?

There he is, Eli Bosnick.

She did not appreciate my gotta catch them all jokes, let me tell you.

I had to talk to a cop this morning.

Marishka Harcate is really meeting in person.

So, tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today?

We watched Bigfoot

Blood on the Farm.

You did.

How many people also watched, how many actual watches?

Yeah.

All right.

This one was worth it, guys.

All right.

David Wright runs into the bedroom.

Honey, we've peaked.

Portland loves us.

How many people have watched other Wright family film

from the Oeuvre of the Wrights?

A decent amount.

Okay.

Well, this one is the story for me, for us, for everybody who just raised their hands.

It's the story of us watching the delightful evolution of the furry sex lives

of Ashley and David Wright.

Oh, honey, can you be Bigfoot in this one again?

Yeah.

I feel like they got advanced because they did that other Bigfoot one.

And they like got more.

The first suit wasn't ready.

And now.

Yes, I think this is their third Bigfoot one, actually.

So, it's also, it's also depending on where you go, it's not Bigfoot blood on the farm.

There's no colon, it's just Bigfoot Blood on the Farm.

Take that how you want.

So, Eli,

how bad was this movie?

Well, if you love the shenanigans of the Wright family, but you wish you spent more time haunted by their secret, tremendous talents,

you will love this movie.

Really?

The terrifying thing about this movie is the glimpse of the things the Wrights could have been doing otherwise.

We'll talk about it when we can talk about it.

All right.

We'll get there.

So before we do, is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

I'm going to go with best, best ponies.

Okay.

All right.

Fucking love these ponies.

And these ponies hate the Wright family.

Fun fact, this is real.

For those of you who don't know the Wright family already, they have a rescue in real life in Maine, I think, for

at-risk

donkeys and ponies.

Are you guys?

At risk of what?

I don't know what they're at risk of the Wrights.

I think.

I'm picturing season three of The Wire, but with ponies.

You're going to adopt me, Mr.

Wright?

You guys see that?

It's a good show.

Yeah.

Check it out.

No, no, like every time they cut to the ponies in this movie, the pony has a not my circus, not my monkeys look on its face.

Absolutely.

And they're blinking like a hostage video.

Yes.

Because they're hostages in a video.

This movie.

See, if you didn't come to the live show, you wouldn't have seen me blinking SOS, would you?

That's what you paid for.

The visual bits.

Okay, I went with best worst Amazon URL

because I had not even stopped, started watching the movie when I wrote my best worst.

I shit you not.

This is the you rent this movie on Amazon, which fucking rent this movie on Amazon.

This is absolutely worth it.

The URL that will appear at the top of your fucking browser is

amazon.com/slash placeholder underscore title dash john dash doe

slash dp slash b o f six seven m d b f j

we watched bigfoot lorem ipsum lorem ipsum

blood on the farm

i'm john doe

fuck that's sad

this is like their 83rd movie on amazon people they're not new to this shit

and i'm gonna go with best worst

whoever the opposite of Chekhov's gun is.

They have a real ass gun in this movie, and it's terrifying.

Have you seen that prank TikTok where they give the baby a fake knife and everyone in the family freaks out one at a time?

That was me watching this movie.

Just watching the right girls.

I don't think I can legally discuss what Eli is doing in his impersonation right now.

All right.

Well, I am way too excited to keep you waiting.

So we're going to keep the break brief.

Eli will do some physical bits while we're gone, and we'll be right back with all the nothing in particular that is Bigfoot Blood on the farm.

And what do we say when he asks about your wife and child?

They all died in a fire this morning.

And

this cash is all I saved from the crash.

That's all I have.

Exactly.

Hey, guys, what you doing?

Getting ready for Eli to buy a car.

Yeah, I am not looking forward to the, you know, haggling and the tricks and the fees and stuff.

Well, Eli, why don't you just use car gurus?

I'm not a guru, Noah.

More of a firm but gentle hand throughout the buying process.

No, no, no, no.

It's true.

Car gurus will connect you with trusted dealerships when you're ready, ensuring a transparent and hassle-free buying process.

Oh, well, how do they do that?

With over 4 million listings, Car Gurus has more car listings than any other major online automotive marketplace in the U.S.

So you can find the best deal.

Car Gurus gives you the control to shop how you want to shop with the tools, information, and data-driven deal ratings you need.

It's no wonder similar web-estimated traffic data shows Car Gurus is the number one most visited car shopping site.

Amazing.

Where can I learn more?

Buy or sell your next car today with cargurus at cargurus.com.

Go to cargurus.com to make sure your big deal is the best deal.

That's c-ar-r-g-u-r-u-s.com.

Cargurus.com.

Awesome, Noah.

Thanks.

Here you go, Heath.

I guess I don't need pictures of these smudgy orphans after all.

To be fair, it doesn't make sense you would have smudgy orphans if they also died in the fire.

That's what I said.

These are different orphans.

Read the packet.

There's a packet?

There was a packet, yes.

All right, girls, it's time for a rat family to make another movie.

Hooray!

Hooray!

What's this one going to be about, Mama?

All right, so I was thinking

Bigfoot.

Yep, that'll do it.

That'll do it, girls.

Get the tripods out.

You got it, Daddy.

I'll be right on it.

Yep.

Y'all don't want to know what Bigfoot does?

We'll figure it out as we go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes, we will.

Hey, podcast listener.

Just wanted to hop in to remind you that there are just a couple weeks left to support our shows during our annual fundraiser Matreon.

Oh, what's

Matreon?

Damn it!

That's right.

When you support the shows over at Matreon.com, you aren't just helping make the show happen.

You're also paying for the teams of accountants and legal representatives needed to oversee Eli and Heath's point game.

Having a Swiss third-party telepoints till the end of the year for us in hard copy was expensive, but worth it.

Worth it indeed.

But you won't just be maintaining the sanctity of the point game.

You can also add fun activities to our patron-only live stream, new stuff for the shows, and even nice stuff for us personally.

So, upgrade or add a pledge to any of the puzzling a thunderstorm shows to help out today.

And follow along at matreon.com.

That's m-a-y-t-r-e-o-n.com.

Matreon,

because 24-hour armed security is pricey, but worth it.

So, I don't think it is worth it.

Worth it worth it.

Yeah.

And we're back.

The listeners at home don't know this, but I've just employed the audience as the grenade or the laying on the Eli grenade display.

I opened my butthole.

Podcast listener.

Yeah, I guess the laying on the whole, the whole construction is probably bad when we're talking about your button.

I plugged my butthole with a grenade.

All right.

This is what you miss when you don't come to the live show, listeners at home.

So we're back and we're going to open up on the legendary too dark to quite make it out right family films logo.

Hell yeah, baby.

Every time.

And then we meet the other star of this movie.

So if you watch this movie, it's available on YouTube.

It's available on Amazon.

It's free on YouTube.

You probably watched it on YouTube.

But if you paid to watch it on Amazon, you got to see the real star of the movie, which were the goddamn subtitles.

They were fucking nuts.

So, the very first thing that happens in the movie is the subtitles start giving you the lyrics to a song that won't play for another two and a half minutes.

Aspirational is what we like to think of these subtitles.

They're making suggestions by the end.

How about some acting?

I mean, growl or something.

Fuck.

I hate it here in India.

So we see these lyrics over some just dark piano tones or whatever.

We see their kids all grown up.

Old scouts all grown up.

What's the other one?

Jaina.

It's so weird because they very clearly have decided which of their own children is the star.

It's scout.

And it's not Jada.

It is not Jaina.

No.

Hey, Jada, you'll be a listener in a couple of years and you can come.

I'll spread my butthole for you.

Wait, how old are they?

Not old enough for that.

That's why I said in a few years.

So however many.

Do you like Pokemon?

Because there's multitudes.

So, and I want to point out right away the costuming in this movie.

These two girls are going to be dressed in the exact same, like matching overalls and plaid shirts in the cultiest possible way.

We're going to get that throughout.

And we're going to meet them during a farming montage as so often we do.

Yeah.

How much of this farm equipment do we think we have personally paid for with our viewership?

Well, not that fucking tractor because I'm pretty sure there's a tag still hanging on it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, that goes back to home back.

That's gone back.

Right.

But there did, like, it did kind of feel like daddy bought that tractor.

He was like, no, I used it in the movie.

That's a ride-off, isn't it?

It was brand shining new.

But so we get the little farming montage.

He's going to show Scout how to drive the tractor in case she needs to kill Bigfoot with it later.

Yeah.

A montage of learning to tractor was a bad idea.

So they're trying to do like happy learning to tractor music.

You're like, can you give us a little happy learning to tractor?

Happy learning to tractor.

Nope.

All right.

I got to turn it.

Give me a second.

I got to turn it.

I'm going to back it up.

Nope.

That's not reverse.

Shit.

I speak.

Kill the pony.

so

and then the song that we were getting the lyrics for earlier started and we're like oh oh

that okay

thought maybe the subtitles guy was just working in a slam poem yes right right

it's okay so she learns to tractor and now dad's going to teach him about fixing fences

right But they don't want to learn to fix fences.

They're like, why don't we just hire somebody to fix the fences?

And he goes, look, what if I'm murdered by Bigfoot one of these days?

Who's going to fix the fucking fences then?

You?

Okay.

All right.

Then we also learned that mom is dead.

Hey, right, because then he's like, just think about what happened to your mother.

And I'm like, what happened to your mother?

We will never know.

So, like, I assumed it was killed by Bigfoot at this moment.

I was never dissuaded from that assumption at any point.

Later.

Ashley Wright kills herself in

every single A lot of movies, yeah, man.

She's made like 44 fictional universes, and she's dead in all of them.

She is, though.

It's like imagination time.

Step one, I'm not here.

Is everything okay, Ashley?

Yeah, no shit.

Yeah, but Dan gets a phone call at this point.

Someone has, quote, another load for him.

He used to find out about those a different way, but Ashley made him delete the app off his phone.

She got tired of that little

noise.

Oh, look at what we did.

Did you hear that?

That was the bottoms in our audience.

All the straight people were like, what makes the

candy crush?

My dad gets that from work.

I'm going to have to ask about the brr noise.

The real bottoms are like, scruff doesn't make a brrr noise.

It only works on the browser.

You need help.

All right, go to a doctor.

Oh, look, honey, they reviewed one of our movies.

Let's check it out.

Scout, I think you're old enough to hear one of these fellers reviews.

So he comes out, he tells the kids, he's like, the boss has another load for me to take.

Again, just use your imagination.

He says, I've got to go.

I'm going to be gone for a couple of days for the remainder of the movie.

Pack a bag for me because I can't do anything for my goddamn self, apparently.

He just lectured them about self-sufficiency.

He did too, didn't he?

It was his last line.

Sorry, kids, you need to learn to make it in this world now baby need his backpack them

don't forget my juice box

yeah he farms around a little bit more before he leaves to this point this movie's been about 40 people looking over their right shoulder you know like don't worry there's something happening and it's back there somewhere

I like that he has to leave because in his head, the movie wouldn't work.

Well, right.

If Bigfoot shows up and David Owen Wright,

he's beating the shit out of Big Bigfoot.

There's no tension.

So it would ruin the whole thing.

So he's got to go get a load from a guy.

With Bigfoot.

Yes.

It's understood.

Yes.

So, okay, so then, okay, he starts,

they do another little farming montage.

And this is the first time, but not the last time in the movie when a song will start playing and you'll go, you're just kind of half-ass listening to it.

And you go,

holy fuck, is this Ashley Wright singing about how sexy Bigfoot is?

Sure, the fuck is.

It is,

it is, like, three different times.

And another time, David Owen Wright is singing about how sexy Bigfoot is.

It's fucking nuts.

They have a whole album of one-to-fuck Bigfoot music that's hidden right below the surface of this fucking movie.

Okay, can I and can I?

The actual subtitle thing that happens during this movie.

Yes, uh-huh.

I wrote this down.

The subtitle says, This is the lyrics: Bigfoot Roams, and then in brackets, zipper opening

across these lands is the rest of your lyrics.

And I was like, okay, this is David Ashley's home video, and they like forgot to get new subtitles.

Clearly, I thought it worked well.

Oh, amazing.

Because it's bagged.

I think they worked in like pack of bags, so the zipper makes sense.

Can I say something bold?

Because you all watched it with us.

This music, it's kind of good.

Look, the lyrics aren't good,

but it's way, way funnier that it's this good, right?

Right.

Because if he was like, big foot, oh, big foot, Mary.

They put more effort into this than anything else they've ever done in their goddamn lives.

Yes.

Anna Bosnick, she ain't, but she's trying.

Right.

That's fucking weird.

There's also a moment here that this is, this just cracked me up if you've ever seen if you've seen as many right family films as we have you'll have noticed this Jaina says to Scout she goes yeah I bet something weird happens while dad's gone and Scout says and I quote

maybe something won't happen

you've seen your mom's movies before huh

Not so sure about this causality thing

I'll be the judge of that.

So yeah, so they pack dad's bag.

There's also a weird moment where they're like, you know, dad gives him a do your chores speech.

Don't forget your chores and the chickens.

Is this where they ask?

They ask dad if they're like,

are you abandoning us right now to get a load from a guy?

And he says, maybe.

He does.

Yay!

Okay.

That's real.

That's not heath making the shit up because they say they say in the movie, they're like, Dad, are you sure you're just doing this for work are you just trying to get away from us and he's like well it's a little bit both a little bit

I mean it's also inflation from Biden's economy

fentanyl crisis at the it's creating a lot of at-risk ponies I don't know

I gotta get a load and then there's also a weird moment here where he's like you know girls I thought it was gonna get harder when your mom died but

it actually got easier

Now,

Ashley Wright wrote this movie.

She's right.

Like, we need to reach out.

Ashley, if you're listening,

you can email me.

I mean, we make a lot of jokes and everything, but I'm worried about you, girl.

You can't get like 90% of your cinematic audience.

Yes, right.

Right, exactly.

You can text me.

Yes.

So, okay.

So then dad leaves.

We see dad's sweet truck, his Ford F250.

Thank you very much.

This was like, this was, yes.

That's the, it was a cheesecake shot of a Ford.

We're in Oregon.

They get it.

So.

And so, and he leaves, and then there's another, the second Bigfoot song starts playing, right?

Shadows Fall, trees lean close.

Wait, is it Monster in My Mind was the name of the song?

Yeah, this one, they make you wait for the bigfoot right you it felt like they tried to write a song that wasn't about bigfoot and then they could they like roger rabbited themselves yes they were like trees lean close in the shadows of a big fucking ape thing

There's also like there's this great because the what's happening now is is that scout now dad's left scouts wandering in the woods just kind of being melancholy or whatever while mom sings to us about Bigfoot some more.

And there's a moment where her hair gets stuck on a twig and ruins the shot.

It's so good.

And she's like, so long, and it's so funny

because it's like an ethereal, like Sarah McLaughlin moment in the music.

She's walking along in the woods, Sarah McLaughlin

just like that.

It's okay.

So they feed the ponies some more so that the ponies can be attacked right off to.

Then Jaina and Scout, they dialogue some more, this time about chickens.

They've got a chicken anecdote.

Now, normally I would just leave this scene out, but the implications of this haunted me for the rest of the night, the rest of the week, and probably the rest of my life

they say you remember last year when the chickens all went missing

and then they came back and one of them was missing a toe

now we will later learn that the chicken toe stealing agent here was Bigfoot, right?

The implication is that Bigfoot tried to get their chickens

and only got a toe.

Or the chicken kidnapped herself.

It's possible.

It was a bunny LeBowski situation.

Amazing.

Liar.

So yeah, so Bigfoot,

but think about this, because we're supposed to, the rest of the movie, be scared of Bigfoot.

Who's been thwarted by a fucking chicken at some point?

Where's that movie?

Right?

Yes, the chickens or the ponies.

I wanted the ponies to fight Bigfoot at some point.

I want to meet the chicken who Bigfoot had it by the toe and just rip his whole fucking foot around like Furiosa or some shit, right?

It's just ass.

An Int-Man remake, but with a chicken and Bigfoot.

I watched the fucking.

So okay.

Yeah.

So then fucking David Owen Wright starts singing to us about Bigfoot.

I swear this is like the third Bigfoot song.

We're eight minutes into the fucking movie.

We're dangerously close to music video rather than film.

Really?

Then they have some more of this great dialogue where like Scout is talking about how much she misses mom.

And Jaina goes,

this is actually how it plays.

She goes, Jaina goes, yeah, we all miss her.

Anyway,

100%.

Exact words.

Exact words.

That much pause.

But then Scout hears a noise, a distinctly Sasquatchian noise.

Yo, I tried to write Sasquatchian in my notes, and Spellcheck kept turning it into Saskatchewan.

So goddamn many times, I had to start using my fucking potions.

It was insane.

I worked so goddamn hard to work.

Like, there's no reason for me to even tell you about her hearing the fucking noise.

This is going to happen 30 more times.

I just worked so fucking hard to write Sasquatchian into my goddamn notes that I have to get something out of it now.

Sorry.

She goes, Scout turns to Jane and she goes, do you ever feel like something's watching us?

She's like, it's the GAM guys again.

And oh man, that guy Eli has to stay 500 feet away.

It's cool.

He's more of a maddie.

He's a dysentery, but that doesn't even make sense.

So, okay.

We get another.

Right, right, because so what what Heath knows is that I have to introduce a nice scene by saying, and then they sing another fucking song about Big Foot.

They do.

Sure do.

They do.

Beneath the pines, a shadow tall.

That's the actual lyrics.

So, and then we watch the kids eat corn on the cob like this is the only time they're allowed to eat.

Okay, Jaina goes to town on the cob here.

She makes the typewriter noise.

Like a cartoon.

Yes.

She was doing the thing.

I was like, respect.

Like, that was okay.

Do you?

That was good work.

There was no, she got it all.

There were no, like, leftover halves.

Can I ask a question that's vulnerable and brave?

I don't know that we should rather.

I would rather that you didn't.

Do you think they were

directed to eat the corn on the cob that way by their dad so it wasn't sexy?

Oh, no.

Corrected or taught in real life?

Both.

It was either.

Oh, God.

That's just good parenting.

Because it's real.

Woman realizes she's eating a banana in public vibes.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

No, I think you, God, Jesus, I think you might be right.

I also felt like, because they're still wearing the matching outfits at this point, I wrote my notes.

I feel like these creepy ass cult girls are the monsters in a horror movie for Big Feet.

Right?

Like, this is what Big Feet show their kids, you know?

Fucking rig feet.

Big foot wanders in.

Woo-hoo!

So then we get Jaina teasing scout because she said she heard a noise.

So she's like, ooh, there's a monster in the woods.

I'm like, there is a monster in the woods in your dumbass movie, though, lady.

Then she delivers this amazing line.

She goes,

do you hear that?

The news is on.

Do they have the news on like a cat feed or scout?

I don't know.

I wanted to see Bigfoot outside the window with like a remote, just feeling like...

Yeah, right, right.

Lastly.

Idiots.

Shit, there's reports about me.

Right, yeah, right.

Yeah, but that's the thing.

That's the talent we're dealing with here.

What they needed is, well, let's watch some TV.

And they fucked it up.

She goes, like,

the news snuck into the fucking house.

They go over there to watch the news.

And we get the reporter.

Now, again, because we watched like 11 of their films, this is the first time we've seen a person in a Wright family movie that was not a member of the immediate Wright family.

Like for a lot of people nodding along, that was a shock, right?

It wasn't dad in a mask, right?

It wasn't mom in a mustache.

It was an actual different human being.

And can I say?

Mistake.

This guy was like, hey, David, you guys make movies, right?

So, as part of my court-mandated public speaking classes,

I was wondering if I could stumble through four lines of dialogue like I'm being held at gunpoint by my parents while they fuck.

In the news today, today,

I seek God.

He goes,

He's reporting that there have been some strange noises in the woods.

He goes, some people have reported hearing strange noises late at night.

I'm like, who the fuck do you report that to?

Is there a guy for that?

He goes, a large and possibly dangerous animal could be lurking in the woods.

I'm like, based on reports of noises, you reckless fuck.

I mean, Fox News.

And it's a Mexican.

So, okay, so the girls are getting ready for bed.

Eli and I both have a lot lot of notes on how bad Scout's toothbrushing technique is.

She eats a tube of toothpaste like a yogurt pouch.

Oh, yay!

I mean, she takes the toothbrush and goes, eh, eh.

And she's like, good.

She's back and forth in it instead of up and down in it.

I had Dingers by the age of 45, and I'm talking shit on her toothbrushing technique.

It's called toothbrush, not toothbrushes.

You just get it once, real hard.

As long as you eat your half a cup of toothpaste.

That's what it's all about.

A lot of them have good flavors.

I just like some of the toothpastes.

Some of them are good.

Yeah.

They taste like rainbows or whatever.

Yeah.

So, okay, and then this happens.

Okay, so we hear glass breaking and we hear a growl.

The subtitles confirm it.

It goes, glass break, growl.

And then Scout walks in and she says, Jaina, I heard a bunch of scratching and banging.

The fuck you did, Weez.

I'm reading on the screen what you heard.

The closed captioning is trying to gaslight?

It is, over and over again.

The audience.

Yeah.

And Jaina looks out the window.

She goes, it's just the wind or an animal.

And she's like, yeah, they figured it was one of those things too, but

they're not equivalent in how worried I should be.

It brings up the question, what is Bigfoot doing in this part of the movie?

Right?

Because it is Bigfoot.

Right?

We're going to learn that it's Bigfoot.

So what we're supposed to believe is in the first 20 minutes of the movie, Bigfoot's just sort of wandering around this pony rescue being like...

he's building a moment.

He's building a moment.

Just Heath Enright with four scotches in him, his Bigfoot.

I kicked a trash can.

I'm more than tall.

I'm the parking guy.

So there's a parking guy.

I feel like nobody was with me on the toothpaste tasting good.

I want to circle back.

I feel like a lot of liars are going to be a little bit more than that.

You really lost the room.

I lost the room hard.

You lost the hardest.

A couple hands went up.

Thank you.

One person.

All right.

You have one other toothpaste pervert in the room.

Yeah.

I was hoping for one

rocking the face mask, not for health reasons, but because their teeth are so goddamn gleaming white, we wouldn't even be able to see.

Yeah.

Because it's full of toothpaste.

The best-tasting toothpaste you've ever done fucking see.

Okay.

So then, so, okay, so Jaina goes out to check on the ponies because Scout heard some noises.

And we watch Scout being really nervous about it, but not nervous enough that she didn't just send her sister out into it.

So Jaina goes outside.

We get a jump scare, right?

She puts the ponies up and she sees something.

All we see is a shadow, right?

We see her see something.

So she grabs a shovel like she's going to varmit hammer Bigfoot.

But then she makes it inside, nothing having happened

again.

Because Bigfoot just ran away drunk and it's like, yeah.

Boom.

Yeah.

I touched the inside of the barn that time.

How about a celebratory toothbrush?

Perhaps mango guava this evening.

That was very specific.

You have a favorite.

That is one of my favorites.

Yeah.

So, yeah, this person knows what I'm talking about.

Fucking mango guava.

So yeah, but but Jaina comes back in and she turns to scout and she says, I saw the bear and it was huge.

And it smelled like mom and dad's sex.

I don't know what I mean by that, but you know what I mean by that, sis?

All right.

Like that musk.

Smelled like the wet spot on their bed.

In the hall.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Yeah, your mom and dad had a wet spot on the bed, too.

And if your dad's Italian, it was a a big one.

Oh!

Oh, I was going to try to stop him before he started stereotyping.

I'm too late again.

All right.

It was positive.

It was positive.

Well, consider yourself.

They're good at sex.

They're good at having a lot of sperm, man.

Thank you.

That's just science.

I can't do the end.

We're back yet, can I?

All right.

Consider that it's P.

Consider yourself suspended while we pause for this much-earned break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more Bigfoot blood on the bar.

Ladies, you looking for the ATM?

No, no, okay.

Well, oh, they're gone.

They're gone.

Yeah.

No, I saw.

Hey, guys.

What are you doing here at the beach?

And why have you stapled money to your bodies?

Oh, hey, Noah, Heath and I are just showing off our savings bods.

Your savings bods?

Yep.

That's right, Noah.

Summer is just around the corner, and the folks at Mint Mobile have a hot take.

Getting a summer bod is out, and getting your savings bod is in.

This spring and summer, we want skimpy wireless bills and fat wallets.

And with premium wireless plans for just 15 bucks a month, you can have both without breaking the sweat or the bank.

15 bucks a month?

What's the catch?

No catch.

All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network.

Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts.

All right, guys, I'm sold.

Where do I sign up?

This year, skip breaking a sweat and breaking the bank.

Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless plans at mintmobile.com/slash gam.

That's mintmobile.com/slash gam.

Upfront payment of $45 for three-month 5-gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 a month.

New customer offer for first three months only, then full price plan, options available.

Taxes and fees extra.

See Mint Mobile for details.

All right, guys.

Thanks.

No problem.

I still don't understand why the babes weren't pulled in, though.

I mean, I guess

I would think it was the bleeding.

I knew it.

It's like you guys have never seen the crow.

This is not like the crow.

It's like the crow.

A little bit.

It's not unlike the crow.

Hi, I'm Tony D from Tony D's House of I Guess Anybody Can Put Out a C D now.

Here to tell you about a brand new musical offering.

The Wright Family Sings About Bigfoot.

Bigfoot, where are you going with your

big old monster feet?

This CD is backed with 133 tracks about seeing Bigfoot, loving Bigfoot, and knowing Bigfoot is out there.

I know you're there, Bigfoot.

I can see you in the trees.

And that's not all.

13 kid-friendly bonus tracks means learning about Bigfoot is fit for anybody of any age.

Baby, Bigfoot, do to do to do, baby, Bigfoot, doot to do, to do, baby, Bigfoot, doot to do, to do, Bigfoot.

The rights sing about Bigfoot.

Wow, they really think about Bigfoot a lot.

and we're back

when we last left off nothing had happened and we're gonna rejoin that action with the girls making themselves some eggs the following morning i like that scout kind of got mad here like politically Did she?

Well, Tana takes out eggs and Scout's like, in this economy,

they made this movie in 2025.

Crazy that they afford this movie.

Glad that guy got prostate cancer, right?

Jesus Christ.

Interesting.

Biden's economy.

Toothpaste, Joe Biden's cancer diagnosis.

Also, I have to point out the closed captioning here at this point says, crickets chirping and then bear growling.

Nothing like that is happening in the movie.

The closed captions are hallucinating.

They're watching this, the fucking, they're watching a better movie than us.

And then dad calls.

He says, you know, I should be home by tomorrow night.

And they're like, great, I'm sure that the script will remember that you said that

when tomorrow night shows up in the chronology.

And he's like, I wouldn't count on it.

Depends on how much time guys need between loads.

Yes.

Depends on how much time.

period?

How quickly my Bigfoot suit dries.

So, again,

then the movie likes.

Some tastes, toothpaste can never get out of your mouth.

No matter how delicious.

So then the movie tries to jump scare us by literally sneaking up behind us and saying boo, right?

scout is out feeding the ponies and Jaina sneaks up on her and goes boo

and she gets mad at her and this is of course where I wrote for the first time in my notes ponies got that not my circus not my monkeys look uh that we told you about before that was they actually pan over to a pony here and we get to see a pony be like kind of embarrassed for the movie and to be in the movie Pony

covering its face with a folder like Gretchen Whitmer and

fucking helpful off it.

The pony looks at the camera with the way you guys look at people when I'm around.

Yes, yes.

He's, I, it's a thing.

But you can call the cops.

But after they, so they feed the ponies, they get the jump scare, and then they look and it looks like somebody has smashed through their gate.

They better check on the other animals, right?

So they check on the sheep.

Sheep's fine.

They check on the cow.

The cow is missing.

And the gate's not open.

It is as though, as Scout says, something lifted it all the way up out of the pen.

What a weird fucking observation.

I want to meet the Bigfoot that can lift a cow out of a pen, but can't get more than a toe off of a fucking chicken.

I like Jada too, because Jaina's supposed to be the skeptic here.

She goes, I don't know.

Cows can jump pretty high.

Picture a cow doing the FOSBERY flop.

She said that, and I was like, can they jump pretty high?

Cow, I actually Googled it.

Cows can jump six feet in the air.

Six.

I heard of one that got over the moon.

What a beautifully gentle joke.

Mere minutes after I said that Italian

make women squirt.

I like to think the Wrights just called the girls back into the room.

Girls, girls, come on.

We got one we want you to hear.

The pretty one done made a cow jumped over the rooon joke for you.

13-year-olds, that one was for you.

Yeah.

All right.

So yeah, so then they decide that they're going to go back inside.

Or no, no, I'm sorry.

They got to go look for the cow.

After agreeing that Bigfoot is out there or that some kind of cow-lifting monster is out there, they're like, well, I guess we should probably wander out, see if we can find the cow and the monster, right?

And not just wander out, they split up.

Yes, let's split up.

I wrote in my notes, let's split up.

You know what they say?

Safety in number.

So, yeah, so Scout's walking around alone in the woods.

Now, she hears noises, not woods noises.

One of them is what I described as laser arrows.

And then she's like, she goes, like,

oh, no, Lucy, that's Jaina's character's name.

So she calls for her sister, Jaina, and then immediately Jaina is there.

Like, so fat.

Like, we we split up three seconds ago and you screamed.

Right.

I just turned to you and here we are

she goes what is it and she goes it's nothing it's literally nothing and like everything else in this movie nothing has happened and Jaden is like well it's okay I'm done looking anyway let's head back now nothing having happened

this is where the closed captioning says screams there are no screams

The movie is completely silent and it just comes up and says screams and I'm like, are you talking about your own screams, man?

100%.

I was waiting for like Aron Howard to start contradicting the closed caption.

It's like, screams.

There were no screams.

Starts pitching its own ideas.

Maybe

scream here.

Yeah.

But they sure will miss Betty the cow.

And just then they come across some bloody cow bits.

Now,

if they don't mean Bigfoot blood on the farm, this is the only other blood they could be talking about.

There's a little bit of cow blood here.

So they're, but they're looking at the cow bits and then they hear a growl, so they run for the house.

Sort of.

Sort of.

They're in the woods just barely technically.

It's like

literally three feet into the wood.

You can see the yard and they hear a growl or the closed captioning told them there was a growl.

And they have three feet to work with.

So it's like, let's get the fuck out.

Okay, we made it.

We made it.

Yeah.

And like, they could have shot that any distance from their own home.

They have a lot of woods.

I'm looking at it.

But very clearly, that could have been a suspenseful scene, but instead they were just already there and nothing's chasing them.

Right?

Like, like theoretically, we're supposed to imagine that Bigfoot's out there.

We don't see Bigfoot, right?

So it's just a couple of girls that dart into the house.

You remember when you were a kid and you had to go do something in the basement and then you spooked yourself because you were like, what if there's a monster down here?

And so you run up the stairs way too fast.

But then your dad was there so you'd be like, hey, hey!

Hey, dad, what's up?

Just cardioing.

Just cardioing.

That's why I was sprinting and screaming.

Excited for my junior year of college coming up.

You know it's still some of you

you have kids and you're like I'm just gonna carry the laundry a little faster

it's okay so they get back to the house they lock the door but Jaina has an idea

if they ignore it it'll go away

oh yeah that's the plan here

we're gonna do nothing we're just gonna pop back down yes do less about Bigfoot.

Yeah.

They're like, you know, if we just don't do anything, he'll get bored and he'll go away.

And I'm like, what about the ponies?

And they're like, fuck.

Shit.

And then, like, so then there's a loud crash outside.

Like, Jaina's making her get herself a drink of water.

There's a loud crash and she drops it and it breaks it.

I'm like, oh, are we done ignoring it already?

Jaina, it was your fucking idea.

Okay, this is where I think Jaina really took on some big

Sarah Huckabee Sanders energy for the rest of the movie.

Yes.

Like she goes hard.

got, she was, she had her Brita water.

She got mad because she got pop scared out of dropping her water.

And she's like, that's it.

We're not doing nothing.

I'm going to scare this bear or Bigfoot away.

I'm going to establish sexual dominance out there.

Yes.

That's the new plan.

Shut up, scout.

Yeah, no, she's going to get inside.

That'd be my costume.

Yeah.

She goes, I'm going to go fight Bigfoot.

And she's like, are you sure?

She's like, yeah.

And she's like, don't forget to take dad's gun.

So she opens a kitchen drawer

and pulls out a loaded handgun

and hands it to her sister Barrow first.

That's actually what happened.

It might as well come out of a spinny spice rack.

And they might as well pass it through a French kiss

with how uncareful they are.

I'm sucking while I'm watching the movie.

Guys,

I guarantee the, here's it, I'm going to make this sad for just a second.

There's no fucking way that was a prop gun.

There's no fucking way David Owen Wright owns a fake gun.

Not only is there no chance that's a prop gun, there's no chance that gun wasn't loaded.

Oh, that was a loaded gun.

Ashley was like, David, do you want to take the bullets out of the gun?

And he was like, no, what if there's an intruder

while we're making the movie?

That's when Mexico will strike, Ashley.

Girls, stop picking your teeth with the gun again.

I told you, use the 22 for that.

It's smaller than tooth-based off scars.

Can we get one of those fancy toothpaste that Heath and Red Hats?

and that one listener in his laugh show papa

so okay

i long for almond rook

he has almond roca toothpaste

i see okay so then jaina goes out she's like goes out with the gun to check on the ponies i'm like what's she gonna fucking do with the ponies bring them inside right But she gets out there.

This is where we first get our

glimpse.

They're going to jaws this Bigfoot costume with us, right?

We're going to see a little bit at a time.

This is the first time we see a toe of Bigfoot.

So

we're getting there.

But Bigfoot backs off.

He has a very, like, too much time left in the movie to make my move kind of vibe.

So he backs off.

Jada freaks out.

She, she,

Scout runs out right at this moment, and Jaden like freaks out and immediately shoots at her.

That is what happens.

Yeah.

Yep.

I thought she shot.

I thought he shot her too.

I did too.

Yeah.

They shoot it like she shot her to death in that fucking moment.

And I just, and all of us went, holy shit.

Like, it was going to take a turn.

It turns out she didn't get shot.

In fairness, Scout ran in there like Homer Simpson does when Bart's having the nightmares.

Like, you want to see my new James on a hockey mask?

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And gets shot at it.

So you gave her the gun.

Yeah.

Scout.

So yeah, but Bigfoot runs off.

Well, no, sorry, no, Bigfoot now grabs her by the throat, but from off-screen,

right?

Like, he reaches through the door and grabs her throat and lifts her up so we can't see the rest of the costume yet.

Don't worry, though, Jaina does varmint hammer him with the shovel.

He runs off.

I wrote in my notes, go get another chicken toe, you half-ass Sasquatch.

I was talking some shit.

Half-ass squat, half-ass squatch.

Nice.

Nice.

Yeah.

But it's so clearly the fucking Wookiee costume that David and Ashley are using to do Star Wars outfits together.

Yeah.

100%.

So, yeah.

So, but.

Khan didn't shoot first tonight, right?

Right, babe?

Right?

And she goes, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm not letting that pass.

Do a Wookiee noise.

Wait, what?

Do a Wookiee noise.

That's insane.

That's insane how not a Wookiee noise.

Wait, you do it.

Oh, that's better for us.

Oh!

Oh.

Wait.

Oh, Heath.

All right, but now I'm afraid we got to show you the door.

Wookie is being pegged by Han.

He went up.

Yeah,

she's taking up a register.

Seal just sat there while you were like,

Yeah, I don't.

That was all I got.

So they get back into the house.

Scout says, What was that?

And Janet goes,

We just saw Bigfoot.

She goes, Should we call the cops?

And Janet goes, No, it would ruin the reputation of the farm.

Okay.

Okay.

Yes.

So like it's an economics argument.

It's a pony rescue.

So like somebody's calling up and they're like, I'd like to buy some at-risk ponies.

But I heard your daughters are talking about cryptids a lot.

I'm going to need a fucking deal.

Some ponies at drug court.

Just not the rights farm.

Just not the rights farm.

I want to go to that place John Malani went.

So, okay.

So, yeah, so they decide not to call the cops.

And then the closed captioning goes, I'm sorry, she says, call dad.

And the closed captioning says, phone ringing.

And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about, man?

That's your phone

at your home.

Like, they said phone.

And so the closed captioning guy's like, I bet there's a fucking phone ringing in their mind somewhere.

But they're calling out.

We never hear a phone ringing sound.

So she calls dad and she's like, hey, dad,

Bigfoot is attacking us and killing the animals.

And he goes, God damn it, every fucking time I try to take a load.

But just then she loses a reception.

She goes, Scout goes, what if dad doesn't make it back in time?

And Janus goes, stop being such a fucking downer, scout.

This is why I shot you

the closed caption he says the next scene the closed caption says rain pouring and it's just this pathetic little drizzle and I'm like come on man we can see what the rain's doing

so but they start talking about they're like well maybe maybe you know Bigfoot is afraid of the rain and will leave.

And I'm like, given the fucking pacing of this movie, that's entirely possible.

but

then scout's like good point i'm gonna go take a shit

so

don't follow me in here

i'll show you again

splitting up so

so she goes to take a shit and then we see bigfoot peeking in the window like he's trying to watch this little girl go to the bathroom

yeah right and well here's the fucked up thing is that it's her father in a costume

right like it just i made it darker didn't i yeah

you get it i mean it's portland but it's still oregon

oh you're not all from here

so but then so bigfoot punches through the window the funniest aspect of this entire movie to me is that they actually broke one of their own windows to make this film right

bigfoot punches through the window, so the girls run.

I guess she was mid-shit.

I don't know.

We don't really resolve that.

Has to pinch it off real quick.

You're doing that thing where you're trying to squeeze it in?

Yeah.

I can't inhale.

What?

So.

Wait, you're trying to get it back on.

I don't really want to tell the audience what Eli's visualizing at this point.

You've never...

I want to finish.

Don't interrupt.

You've never going back in with it.

Sometimes you got it.

It's like, this is too much.

I'm just going to.

You're going back in.

You got to procrastinate.

And then you go for a walk.

Yeah, exactly.

Or you have like a half cup of coffee.

Yeah, yeah.

I wonder why Ashley always writes herself out of her movies.

So,

so, but

Bigfoot gets in the house.

He bursts through the door.

They run up.

They get up into the attic.

They pull the ladder up behind him.

Bigfoot doesn't know how to do ladders.

Is there Bigfeet?

They're notoriously bad with ladders.

Apparently, yeah, clearly.

We just know it.

We get Bigfoot being like audibly angry about being bad with ladders.

Yeah.

We get like, growl, growl, gotta learn ladders.

Fucking stupid.

But this is, so, yeah, he's trying to get him, and then he hears a cow mooing, and he's like, ooh, squirrel.

And he goes and he chases it.

But this is the first time

when he's leaving from from there, this is the first time we had a very clear look at the Bigfoot costume.

It looks like a gorilla fucked a carabear, guys.

So

I don't want to, I'm not trying to fat shame David Owen Wright, but there's a certain size where you can't be Bigfoot, right?

Like,

there's just a certain size where that's just not how Bigfoot's shaped, generally speaking.

And it's funny as fucking hell

bigger foot but yeah

so but bigfoot wanders off to to get some some cow i guess and scout turns to jaina they're in the the basement now like eight seconds later scout turns to jaina and goes is he gone and i'm like she's in the same fucking attic as you how the fuck would she know any better

But she says, well, I guess we could just hide here.

And then they're like, well, fuck.

Shit, we could.

That solves the whole goddamn movie.

Because he can't do the the ladders I like that Jaina gets mad to get them out of that plot problem she's like it's so sweaty up here I have a rash yes we have to get out of here because it's sweaty she goes it's too hot we die of thirst

how fucking hot is your attic lady I haven't drunk toothpaste for minutes

so yeah so

now they're gonna do the window thing

it's the best

So they decide they need to go downstairs.

They need to board up the window

that Bigfoot got in through.

Don't worry, they've got scrap wood in the basement.

Nothing surprises me less than the knowledge that the Wright family has scrapwood in the basement.

So then Jaina has to lower the ladder from the attic, and she's supposed to be trying to do it really quietly, but it's just...

just making Bigfoot orgasm noises.

Damn it, this is an amazing sound.

So, okay, so they sneak.

Mama Mia!

Wait,

wait, was that?

I said what I said.

Okay.

So, okay.

So they leave the attic.

They sneak through the house to some ominous music.

I wrote my notes.

I wonder if nothing will happen some more.

Spoilers.

They creep into the basement.

They get their two pieces of wood.

I wanted them to get down there.

Bigfoot just like slowly spins around in his chair,

tossing a plank.

Well, well, well.

Here we go.

But they get their wood and then they have to have the, you know, accidentally drop the piece of wood and make a lot of noise thing.

But Jaina is not a particularly good actor, so she infomercials her way into it.

And clackety clacks.

They look up,

but nothing happens.

I mean, I guess Bigfoot comes back in and breaks some shit above them, right?

We hear some Foley, but then he leaves.

And so they grab their two pieces of wood and they go to board up all the windows

with

with screwdrivers

so honestly like I'm tempted to talk some shit but like I feel like if there's one thing that the Wright family knows better than me it's how to board up windows

my guess is maybe maybe screws are the way to go there the but the funny thing about it is is that they don't let her screw them all the way in

because She's just like a fucking 15 year old girl that's not like done this before.

So she's just powering her way.

She doesn't have an automatic.

She's just using a fucking hand screwdriver, trying to crank that thing in.

And I'm like, oh my God, please let us watch for the next three and a half minutes while this little girl tries to screw this thing.

Oh, finally, they get it like an inch in.

She's like, that's fine, fine, fine.

Give shit.

Also, the planks they use are long enough.

If two planks, they could cover the entire window vertically.

Or.

Or

you cover exactly half the window

they went with the ladder went with the ladder I was hoping right as they were doing it Bigfoot would just punch through the top

what are you doing

but also we should point out

too I'm just gonna say this

but also we should point out too that the window is like this big

right bigfoot was a large, large Bigfoot.

Also, we watched him come in through the fucking door.

The movie was gaslighting us the whole fucking time about this.

But then the girls that walk in and they see that the door's wide open, they're like, oh, fuck.

I feel so stupid.

We were boarding up the window.

The goddamn door was that.

We didn't.

Did you...

Did you even lock the fucking door when we came in?

They started giving each other shit, you know?

The whole movie is just David lecturing his daughters about not shutting the doors.

Oh, a hundred percent.

Oh, what's this movie about, girls?

I'll tell you.

It's about two young ladies who don't shut the door behind them when they come inside,

and then somebody loses an arm from Bigfoot.

That's right, that's why you lock the door.

They get raped by a Bigfoot.

Now act it out.

Oh, God.

So, So, okay.

That's what happens in their house.

I didn't make that up for the joke.

They make up a Bigfoot rape and then they have their kids acting.

Spoilers.

So, okay.

I mean, that is what happens.

We'll get there.

We'll get there.

So they head upstairs to hash out their plans if Bigfoot returns.

Jaina wants to listen to the news on the radio like all the teenage girls these days.

The radio news says, and I quote, people are reporting an unidentifiable creature in the area.

Unidentifiable?

Is he blurry?

What

we've got these three blind guys.

One of them thinks he's a rope.

So

Jaina goes, Jaina goes, if we don't feed and water the animals, they'll die.

I'm like, tonight?

Because dad's supposed to be back any minute now.

But they decide they're going to take a midday nap right after saying that if they don't feed the animals, they'll die.

They're like, let's take a midday nap.

This movie's scarier at night.

There's a moment where they're all where they're laying there there's a moment where like a scout hears a noise and she wakes up and she walks around the house looking to see what the noise was but it was nothing so she goes back to bed

i really wanted her to walk into the kitchen and bigfoot's there like morning sleepy him

i heard you guys had eggs and i figured

400 worth of eggs right here all right Well, nothing happening is this movie's version of something happening, I guess.

So we're going to call that the end to act Two and take ourselves another break.

But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell.

Will David show up to fight Bigfoot just in the nick of time and be all like, pow, pow, bang?

Will that be really awkward to shoot since he's also the guy in the gorilla costume?

Did I write this before I watched the last third of the movie?

You bet your fucking ass on all three.

So stick around for the exciting conclusion of Bigfoot Blood on the Farm.

Thank you.

And so I said, I'm a sovereign citizen and I'm traveling right now.

Oh, that's so smart.

Hey, mom, dad.

Yes, daughter, whatever.

Whatever your name is, what up?

So look, I love that we make these movies as a family they are so fucked well i'm so happy to hear you say that sweetie but it feels like you guys might be using these movies for

tax fraud what honey what no whatever could you be

well i was just reading the opening montage of the movie and it says in the script David drives his brand new tractor and then his brand new truck.

Why do those have to be new in the script?

Well,

because the mom died and left

inheritance.

Exactly.

Inheritance.

Okay, but in the flashback with the mom, it says mom appears and she just got her nails done at the nice salon.

You know the one I mean, the one they talk English.

That's both problematic and seems like you're using the movies for tax fraud.

Well, honey, did you read the new scene?

The new scene?

Yeah, yes, The one where you ride your brand new

bicycle.

How many speed?

Um, 10 speed?

12?

It is at 12 speed.

You know what, mom and dad?

Never mind.

You.

And we're back.

Thank you so much.

When we last left off, Jaina and Scout were taking a nap and asking the movie to wake them up if anything happened.

We're going to rejoin the action late that night with them peering out the window, wondering if there's a finale out there somewhere.

You think there will be a movie, CS?

So now

there's this great moment.

Jaina is telling Scout, we got to keep the lights off, right?

So Bigfoot doesn't see in there.

So she turns off the light and then she opens the refrigerator,

which has a glass front.

It's so good.

And Bigfoot's supposed to be like casing the joint at this moment or whatever.

I guess.

And there's windows open everywhere.

And then the light comes on and there's the fridge and they're just standing there.

I'm picturing Bigfoot being like, all right, you're fucking ruining this for me.

Like, it's not even hard.

I'm going to hunt down a more challenging family.

Exactly.

Maybe that's how they train Bigfoots is like on the rights.

Yeah, right, right.

All right, we're going to start you off with an easy one.

These people are, well, they shoot each other a lot.

Okay.

Bang on the siding and poor handgun control.

Do the rest.

You know what I'm saying?

Shake a shingle.

So

let the Second Amendment do the work.

But now, Bigfoot's got a new strategy now.

He's taken one of the ponies hostage.

They look outside.

They're like, the windows, the gates down, and one of the ponies is missing.

So Jaina runs out to the yard.

This is the first time we see, because we've seen the costume now.

We haven't seen the mask, right?

The mask looks ready to hear no evil at any minute.

It's fucking hilarious.

But Jaina runs out.

She's decided she's going to wrestle Bigfoot.

So she goes.

They had a gun.

She leaves the gun inside.

Yes.

And they'll have a Bigfoot.

So yeah, so she wrestles with Bigfoot for a little while.

Now.

She does get inside Bigfoot's guard.

She does.

She does.

That's the only thing that keeps her going.

She gets inside.

And then they don't have a lot of Bigfoot fight choreography, but don't worry, they can shake the camera to an unlimited degree.

They have to let you.

And I wrote in my notes at this point, so apologies for this.

I wrote in my notes, I know they're not going for Bigfoot is trying to rape her,

but I only know that because I know this family.

Right?

Like, based entirely on this scene, you would think, oh, fuck.

Bigfoot's going after that little girl.

And I don't know that.

So then...

I think Ashley called cut a few times.

Get off her date.

Get off.

God.

It was too much.

So I'm just going to shake the camera.

I'm using my ground and pounds.

No.

Fine.

Stop it.

We got it.

That's enough.

So then

never let me do anything.

But Bigfoot gets the advantage on her eventually.

She hits him with a big rock, right?

Gets him upside the head with the big rock.

That's not enough, though.

So out comes Scout with a hilariously, comically large rifle.

She comes out with fucking Megatron in her arms.

So she shoots Bigfoot, and then Bigfoot kind of grumbles away with, oh, I'm going to take my ball and go home kind of an attitude about it.

I don't know where to shoot motherfuckers around here.

Give me a chicken toe.

So then the two children come back into the house carrying again a very real, gigantic, oversized rifle.

Listeners at home, Eli is demonstrating an improper way to carry a rifle.

So, and then also evergreen comment.

So, okay, so and then just to give you an idea how bad they are at filmmaking, there's this moment where they get back inside.

Scout sets down the rifle, right?

The camera zooms in on the rifle.

There's a music sting, you know, to emphasize how unarmed they are.

And then she hears a noise and picks back up the rifle.

Like this movie just doesn't know why other films emphasize some things and not others.

So she goes, she brings Jane in.

She's like, here, sit by the fire.

Wait by the fire.

I'll get you a chair.

So she turns around and there's a chair like immediately behind her.

She goes, I'll get you a chair.

Except it's really fucking heavy.

You want me to hold the rifle in my mouth while you move the chair?

You can hear Ashley in the background.

Girls, don't scratch up my floor.

And then at this point, random words just start appearing in the closed captioning.

It says there.

And then it just says, go.

Like it's trying to warn us off.

There!

Go!

They're not looking.

Punch with the girls.

There go

eye out of the movie

So

they weren't Christian in this movie.

No, they weren't I found that weird.

I think they were Christian in this movie.

You think so?

Yeah at the end what happened at the end that was Christian?

We'll get to it.

Okay.

Interesting interesting.

I don't believe you so they

So they turn the lights off.

They get the rifle.

I want to point out they still haven't fed or watered the animals that were going to die if they didn't feed and water them.

Jaina, there's a moment here too where Jaina is like throwing a lot of shade.

She goes like, wow, you know, I was out there fighting Bigfoot and you came out with the rifle and you saved my life.

And

that's just so unlike you to do something so

brave and selfless and competent.

You actually pulled it off.

Are you nagging me right now about how I saved your life?

Right, yeah, I mean, you shot me.

Like, like, right, right, you shot at me earlier today, lady.

I don't think you can talk any shit.

She said, there's a point here where I just started writing down every word of the dialogue.

Jaina goes, I could have sworn I was, no, I'm sorry, that's not the dialogue.

What are you right?

I wrote, I decided in that moment that I wouldn't let fear destroy my family.

She says, The other girl goes, you're not the only one who's scared.

I hide it well, but I've been terrified.

The other girl turns to her.

I'm sorry, I'm just reading you the script at this point.

But the other girl turns to her, she goes, He's going to come back for revenge, isn't he?

Yeah.

The Bigfoot.

Yes.

This is like a sophisticated-ass Bigfoot.

Yeah.

The theory now.

This is where Jada adds something to the Bigfoot lore I was not aware of.

Jada says, and I quote, Bigfoot always comes back for revenge.

Yes.

She's got some Bigfoot experience, apparently.

I mean, this is their third Bigfoot movie, I guess.

That makes sense.

And she also cuts the power to the house, comes in with night vision.

Yeah,

she also says at this point doing pull-ups.

It's gonna say, loving

it, being dropped down on a line.

Yeah, exactly.

But she also says at this point, she's MS-13.

I think that's just Ariel font that

doesn't look like a real font.

Do you have wing dings on your other hand?

But she also says at this point, well, when Bigfoot comes back, we'll shoot him.

And Jaina goes, shooting him never works.

And I'm like, it just worked.

She says, this will never, when will it end?

And I'm like, when you shoot him enough.

Yeah.

She says, okay.

So then she's like, all right, well,

we'll need to keep watch.

So I'll take first watch.

So Jaina starts walking back and forth like a fucking Metal Gear guard with the gun.

Well, Scout pulls two chairs together to make a makeshift bed.

But they're in their home.

She could just go up to her bed.

Or sleep on the couch, which is much like two chairs pulled together to make a makeshift bed.

No idea.

no idea so okay so then okay so scouts napping while Jane is marching back and forth with this gigantic fucking rifle she has an idea too she's she knows that Bigfoot doesn't like the heat so she turns the heat up

we watch her adjust the thermostat

I was so sure that like Bigfoot and David were gonna smash in like Kool-Aid man

Don't touch, what do we say about doors and thermostats?

And Bigfoot's like, exactly.

Thank you.

We have a wood-burning stove

for a reason.

Yes.

Fuck.

So the closed captioning at this point just says Mia at the bottom.

Like the guy's calling out for a long-lost love.

Now

apparently Scout's character's name is Mia.

This is the first time it's spoken in the entire fucking movie.

So like her name is Mia.

And like a minute and a half later, someone will yell, Mia.

That's what the closed captioning is telling us about, right?

It's just going to stay up there the entire time.

Did you look at the thermostat closely?

Dude, it was set to 58 goddamn degrees.

The heat was set to 50.

Now, I'm an environmentally conscious guy and all.

But 58 fucking degrees?

That's child abuse, y'all.

And like bumping it up to 66 was yes, they bumped it all the way up to 66.

Big foot can't handle the heat.

Let's put it to 66.

You know what it is?

You know what it is?

It's that David Owen Wright can't be in that fucking outfit if it's over 66 degrees.

That's 100% wild.

Although it was 58 degrees and earlier, Jaina was like, I'm sweating so fucking fucking.

Yes, right.

I'm going to die of heat in the fucking attic.

It's like

almost 67 degrees.

Your mother takes forever to come.

god i wish i was italian so

so then okay so then bigfoot kicks down the door right

and then kicks it

we see a door fall in

an an entire door inward yes so like bigfoot unscrewed the hinges

then put it then and then put it on the inside right yes and was like, dramatic.

Yeah.

I wanted them to catch him halfway through.

Like, he's raising up the door and he's like, ah, fuck, you saw.

You're shit.

You ruined it.

It's big too.

Do you want us to go back out?

No, it's too late.

You can't do it again.

Your mother takes too long.

Oh, I'm surprised.

I will.

Your mother takes too long to come.

So, okay.

So Bigfoot comes in.

Now, I want to remind you guys that they have like a fucking aircraft carrier gun, right?

They have a fucking naval gun.

They are never going to acknowledge that again in the movie, right?

Because like Bigfoot comes in and they whisper, discuss the plan for a very long time.

They go, okay, let's go upstairs.

And when we go upstairs, we'll then go back downstairs.

And then we'll go upstairs and we'll count out the windows.

What if we just fucking shoot him with the really?

No, that would be too easy.

We don't have to feed your length yet.

Did you say that would be too easy?

so we gotta get to an hour and 24 minutes

real movies are an hour and 24 goddamn minutes okay bigfoot standing right behind

so but their plan is to go upstairs

then climb out the window back downstairs

and then run out to the truck

Where they'll be safe.

So they pull this rope out, which apparently Jaina had in her ass.

I don't know where it came from.

I think she grabbed it from the linen closet of their house,

which

is a lot.

Like,

best case scenario.

Ashley has a sign on it that says, in case I'm ever brave.

Oh my god, dude.

Me and okay.

Hey girls, will you run into the noose closet and grab my robe?

No.

There's a squatty potty in there too.

I just need it for something.

Don't worry about it.

I want to be very clear that this half of the table was doing sex jokes, okay?

We were doing

bondage jokes over here.

And then over this guy over here had to make it so fucking dark.

There's nothing sexier than autoerotic consistency.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Don't you goddamn encourage him?

It is.

You're going to get my ass sued.

Hey!

Hey!

Who's going to choke themselves while they drink off tonight?

Yeah!

Our legal counsel is here, and it is under her advisement that I enforce.

Okay, all right, all right.

I am legally required to

never feel the pleasure.

I am legit.

Hey,

hey, I am legitimately required by law to disclaim that no, you should not do that at this point.

So, oh, goddamn it.

Every time you do this, I'm going to disclaim it again, okay?

We'll be here all goddamn night if we have to.

So, okay, look.

Don't do it because it's like coming for the first first time all over again.

You've been warned.

Yes, but the audience at home hasn't.

Lovely.

I have the added control on that one.

What's her practices name?

So, okay.

So, Ashley, I'm going back to the movie, guys.

Sometimes you just got to power through.

So, Ashley ties a rope, or sorry, not Ashley.

Jaina, Eli.

I'm going to turn off your computer.

Oh my god, you are.

Jesus Christ, dude, stop.

Stop.

He's typing up an inmemorial.

He's typing up an in-memorium page for Ashley Wright.

So, okay.

So, Jaina ties a rope to something that is with a knot that you should absolutely not climb out of a fucking window relying on.

At this point, I think honestly.

This rope is sticky.

I think.

Is that toothpaste?

At this point, though,

it's the crest of the lady.

That's amazing.

I don't want to go now.

I learned that for him.

I don't want to follow that one.

So, okay, so they climb out the window.

They run to the truck.

They roll up the windows.

We hear the sound of Bigfoot realizes he's been duped, right?

So he runs downstairs, and we hear the sound of glass breaking, but they'll be damned if they're gonna break the windows in David's fucking truck.

So

then they try to start the car, it won't start.

The closed captioning now abandons the English language altogether.

I am not kidding.

It says Nashes de Freo.

Yeah, that's Portuguese.

It's Portuguese.

That's Portuguese so like a Portuguese or Brazilian guy got into the booth and was like I don't know I'm gonna fuck with these people.

I want to type let me type something

I Will do the Bigfoot movie

The monster ego

well but also like

but also it's not even like if it was just Portuguese describing the movie that would be something Right?

But it's just it says just voce for so fucking long.

Yeah, that's just, that's just you.

Yes.

That's the formal version.

The formal version of you.

In Portuguese.

Voce.

I don't know.

Really?

What's next in the movie, Ocean?

Well,

you.

Artistecto movie.

But then...

And this is one of those.

Let me get that load already and get out of here.

This is quite a moment here, though.

So Bigfoot comes out and he's attacking them in the truck.

So she turns on the radio, thinking perhaps this will soothe the beast, I guess.

It works.

Apparently, Bigfoot's kryptonite is easy listening.

I wanted our podcast to come on.

No,

it hurts my feelings.

This is the only way I have to connect with my family.

Quit making it sad.

Okay.

If only I had a way to feel all the pleasure and all my nerves at the same time.

Autoerotic asphyxiation.

ZMV law.

This week's episode is brought to you by...

You're going to get sued so hard.

I can't wait.

She has to call them Monday and be like, hey, guys.

I'm trying to get married in like three weeks.

You're really fucking it up.

You hope you get married in three weeks.

It's just.

Depending on how the next like 20 minutes of this review goes, you get married in three weeks.

Okay, so now the kid, Bigfoot runs off from the easy listening music.

They're like, let's go to the barn.

That's even less safe.

So they run to the barn.

And I swear, the rest of this movie is just them running to ever less safe spaces they're going to go to a cardboard box next

so they run to the barn the the um sorry i have all these notes about how the moon is full now and it wasn't like even close two nights ago sorry i we can skip those so then they get into the they get into the barn and they're like let's nail the door close with these eight boards that we've got over here

So they start nailing up this wood.

It's amazing because there's like a half door, right?

And then it's open above.

They're nailing the wood to the open part above, but the door still opens.

It's like if you remember in the Big Lebowski where he nails, he's got the chair up against the door, but the door opens outward.

It's like that, but they don't know.

Like if this family gets eaten by Bigfoot, I get it.

Like Bigfoot doesn't exist, but he's still, they're still in danger of getting eaten at Bigfoot by Bigfoot with his strategy.

At one point, they say, this will buy us some time.

And I wanted that to happen.

I wanted Bigfoot to just be like,

boop.

Well, that's the time we bought.

So we were all now.

And then, so they not, they nail like eight boards up, and then she goes, let's make sure the back door's locked.

by the way,

by the way, when they say locked, what they mean is latched.

And the back door is just, it's it stops here.

You can just reach over and unlatch it.

So they just latched the back door.

Just Bigfoot taking their key out from a hide-a-key rock.

It's not the real one.

And we should also point out again:

they had a rifle and a handgun.

We haven't written those out of the story.

They just disa-fucking peered.

The closed captioning now says Tim, T-E-M.

No idea.

Tim?

When is the movie over?

I do not want to close its captions, Andy Martin.

Fucking Melania's doing the closed captioning now.

So, okay.

Ann's back.

Do you think she heard any of the stuff we said about?

I hope

she's gone.

It's a good thing that we're not recording with this movie.

Ann's talking to Tim right now, and he's telling him.

Tim, shut up, Tim, Tim!

Tim!

He didn't see anything!

He didn't see it.

He's Tim!

Tim!

Tim!

The movie is yelling for you!

So, okay, so, but now they need to be able to get Tim can't hear either.

That's right.

Fuck.

So, okay, so now

they need to fight Bigfoot, right?

The girls realize they need to trap Bigfoot.

At this point, the one girl goes, We're scared, or I'm scared.

And the other girl goes, but you remember what dad says about being scared, right?

Being scared just means you have something worth fighting for.

In what way?

Yeah.

I don't think that's true.

I don't either.

She goes, you remember how awesome dad is?

He's so cool.

David Owen Wright.

Oh, my goodness.

The hero, patriot,

sexual warrior, poet

is what my dad made me say here.

Is what my mom wrote for me to say about my dad.

That's right, Dad.

Is what my dad insisted that my mom write for me to say about my dad.

So they're like, we have to kill Bigfoot for dad and how awesome he is.

And they're like, well, how do we do it?

And Jaina's like, well, I've got a plan.

And the soundtrack's like, is it a rock and roll plan?

For real.

It was just swinning in hand.

Here we go.

Plan.

When the rock music started, I wrote in my notes, if they defeat Bigfoot with the power of music, I will

heel turn on this podcast right now and join the right family

the next Bigfoot trash you see on Prime will have my face right on the cover like three wolves in a moon shirt just

just Eiffel towering Ashley with David fuck yeah Fuck yeah I chose Ashley, not one of the girls

because I've changed and I've grown

So,

okay, so they've got this plan.

It's time to enact the plan.

And I have to tell you where this became a horror movie for Heath Enright, for our good friend Heath Enright, okay?

I did fly into a rage here.

I know.

I wrote in my notes before you watched this movie.

Oh, Heath is furious right now.

They open a drawer.

Part of their plan requires blinding Bigfoot with a bunch of lights.

So they open this drawer and it's filled with extension cords, none of which have been properly worked.

It's a fucking mess.

It looked like Christmas.

Not a single one is coiled.

And then they start plugging them in and they don't do the thing where you tie it off and plug it in.

They don't know how to plug in extension cords.

David Owen Wright is a bad father.

Yes.

All right.

Thank you.

I'm just going to go ahead and fucking say it.

Did you?

When we saw the thermostat, it said service filter.

He didn't even have a new filter in that shit.

If you tie the extension cord, it doesn't come unplugged when you pass out.

That's why he.

Oh, jeez.

Safety.

Safety.

Safety.

You want it to unplug when you pass out, people.

It's very important.

That's what Ann taught us.

The MV law, you want to unplug.

All right.

You pass out.

Okay.

I love it when they're just off in their own little world and I can just tell you guys what happens in the movies.

So, okay.

So now part of this plan, so Jane is going to stay back and get all the lights ready.

Scout is going to drive.

Shit, you not.

I am not making this up.

Scout is going to drive a tractor to the tractor.

She's going to drive a little tractor to the big tractor and bring the big tractor back to kill Bigfoot with it.

So this is where she opens the door.

She's like, all right, go get the tractor.

They open the door under all the fucking boards.

And you're like, oh my God, you're fucking kidding me.

I have to go into all caps for this.

So she goes outside.

Bigfoot starts to chase her.

She's running away from Bigfoot in crocs.

I'm not going to say, I don't normally say 15-year-olds deserve to die, but sometimes

I don't believe you.

So,

my niece is in the audience.

For this purpose, I've never said that about a 15-year-old before.

Okay, has your Uncle Noah ever told you you deserve to die?

I'm getting a head shake.

Well, no, but has your Uncle Noah ever given you any masturbatory advice that was the same as telling you?

You just, okay.

Sorry.

Sorry, this is not going well for me.

In my head, that went really well for me.

Holy shit.

We should go see my Uncle Noah's comedy show.

Where's Morgan when you need him?

Damn!

So, okay.

So, but Bigfoot goes to chase after Scout.

She goes out with the tractor.

Bigfoot goes to chase her.

Jaina throws a rock and says, Bigfoot, no, over here.

And Bigfoot goes like, oh, oh, it's fucking over there then.

So he goes into the barn.

They blind him with the lights.

Right.

They switch all the lights on.

Bigfoot throws his arms up in the air.

And then Scout smashes through with their tractor and smashes into Bigfoot.

And that does it.

That kills him.

Well, but you got to smush him up and down with the bucket bloat.

Well, you have to move the bucket bloater thing up and down a little bit.

Yeah.

And I wrote in my notes: it's over, we're safe, and certainly Bigfoot won't rise again.

I was overestimating this movie when I wrote that, okay?

It's not that that Bigfoot gets up,

it's that an even bigger foot

is out in the woods.

That was the baby Bigfoot.

So they killed a baby with a bucket loader

squishing a baby up and down.

Okay, but here's why.

I can see the look in Thomas' face's, or Thomas Smith's face right now.

He's got this, but fucking, why would there be another bigger Bigfoot?

Because David A.R.Y., or David A.R.Y.

Sometimes, you know what?

Sometimes I get my Christian actor's name, David, whose name started with W and rhyme with might mixed up.

I apologize.

Should be dude.

No, because David Owen Wright was, his wife was telling him the story and she's like, and then they can get the tractor that you taught them how to use earlier and they kill Bigfoot with it.

And he goes,

well, is there a bigger Bigfoot for me to fight?

So bigger Bigfoot shows.

One with tits.

So let me explain.

Because we've had a lot of fun here

talking about the most exquisite of pleasures and flavored toothpaste.

But when I tell you that they have a feminine version of a Bigfoot suit with tits,

I am exaggerating in no way, shape, or form.

Nope.

That's the Bigfoot suit that Ashley wears when they fuck because David will fuck Bigfoot, but he's not gay.

I need you to take a second and grapple with how toxic your masculinity needs to be

that you're about to come on your wife's fur suit of Bigfoot

and you're like, hon, can we put some tits on this one?

It all just feels a little gay.

So, okay, So, we see the giant Bigfoot with tits.

What has my life become?

So, we see the giant Bigfoot with tits.

It's coming.

Don't say it a third time.

You'll summon it.

So, we see the giant Bigfoot with tits.

Oh, audience at home, you're missing Eli pantomiming a giant Bigfoot with tits.

I've never been sadder to report anything to you.

Oh, this Bigfoot can do the tassel trick.

Okay.

So the girls, so Bigfoot, big giant Bigfoot with tits comes down.

Girls run into the barn, they get some fucking farm equipment to earn their way into Valhalla with.

But then David Owen Wright shows up with a shotgun.

He goes, and I quote,

they wrote the whole fucking movie around this line.

He goes, you think mama bears are bad?

Wait till you meet Papa.

Right, thank you.

I thought he was going to give a third Bigfoot.

I thought they were going to, you know, that action movie Weird Trope where women always have to fight, like the bad girl always pairs off with the female lead.

I thought the male Bigfoot with like a giant cock

was going to come out of his side of the woods and they were going to be like, you get yours, I'll get mine.

Mortal combat!

Oh, you're missing him pantomiming Mortal Kombat with a Sasquatch penis.

Do the willows are come.

Come over here, I believe it is.

All right.

So finish him, thank you.

Thank you.

Well done.

So, okay, speaking of finishing him.

I made that joke.

Well done, Eli.

So speaking of finishing him, David empties his shotgun,

I mean a gun, onto the Bigfoot costume.

And then

there's this weird moment where he has like a series of ever-less functional farm implements to fight Bigfoot with.

Yes.

He clearly wanted his crouching tiger moment where all the shit's on the wall.

Yes.

But all they have is stupid farm shit.

Right.

So it was just like, all right, axe, that's a thing.

Pitchfork.

Pitchfork.

Okay, perfect.

Can we hold digger?

No.

No, it's stupid.

But if we tie two trowels together,

that's I'm good with Ninachaku.

So, and then so he attacks Bigfoot with a shovel.

I shit you not with a shovel, and then a pitchfork, and then an axe.

And he goes on with the axe for way too long

because Ashley's in the costume.

You ruined my life.

It could have been gay!

So he acts as Bigfoot

for like 45 minutes.

He's got blood all over his face.

It's actually a very tasteful amount of blood, which I like.

It is.

And it was very obvious that they started to blood me.

He was like, that's too much.

It's like makeup.

Stop.

I actually, I wrote at this point.

I'm like, I think this is the Bigfoot blood on the farm, guys.

It's bleeding all over the fucking face.

But he growls a little bit more as he bleeds out on the ground, and then the girls run to embrace their dad.

I think this is the only time that he's allowed to hug.

I know, I can't do that.

And you didn't even use that knife in your pocket, dad.

Oh, God.

Yep.

So, okay.

So we get one final shot.

It's the following morning.

David's learned something here today.

He's got some Bigfoot-based wisdom to offer his daughters.

This is where it's Christian.

Oh, is it?

This is where it says, when the spirits of darkness, something, something I wasn't listening.

And that's pretty much Christianity.

No, you're right.

It is.

It is.

And

you can tell it's religious because he's wearing a silly hat.

There you go.

Obviously.

But yeah, his words of wisdom for his daughters are never give up.

Which I mean like, come on, like, like, you know, if I got attacked by Bigfoot and murdered him with an axe, and then my kids turn to me and say, well, what's the moral of this story, Dad?

So I'll give them that.

But that's it.

That is the movie.

That is the latest in the Wright family filmography, but that is not going to do it for the episode just yet because people get really mad when we leave the what's on deck thing off during live shows.

So Eli, what's on deck?

I want to say.

Is it because they're going to get disappointed?

Yeah.

Wraith.

I don't know what that is.

It's a movie.

Oh, okay.

Well, here's hoping against a god-awful one.

All right.

Well, before we wrap things up, I need to thank Christopher and Jesse for helping out with our sound tonight.

Thanks, guys.

You're awesome.

Done a great job for us.

I think also I want to think she's not here, but I want to thank Kelsey who helped organize everything for us.

She was amazing.

She also helped with Platinum Night last night.

I need to thank the inimitable Tim Robertson right back here.

He makes all of this possible.

Without Tim, we really wouldn't be able to do these live shows.

He does so much work to make these things happen.

I also need to thank Ann and Lucinda for helping out on the merge table today

and ZVM Law for sponsoring the episode.

I also need to thank Anne for all the autoerotic asphyxiation litigation that she's probably going to have to do now.

I want to thank everybody who came out for Iridium Night or Platinum Night.

Thank you so much.

Had such a good time at those.

Most of all, though, our biggest thanks tonight, I want to thank every one of you who came out and made this the biggest God Off of Movies live show we have ever done.

thank you so much Portland

and on that note

we'll leave you with the American graffiti close

historically more accurate yes apparently Ashley and David got into a hentai phase

And god-awful movies got into a hentai phase.

We got into an Ashley and David hentai phase phase.

Oh, don't tease me.

I was already in a hentai phase.

Bigfoot went home to snack on a few chicken toes and rethink his strategy.

The Wright family went on to record a best-selling 290-track Bigfoot multi-CD set:

Songs of the Squatch.

Thank you, Portland.

So our dirty little secret in the interstitials is we don't actually go anywhere.

Normally,

people have been here before, they're like, Yeah, you use that joke at every single show, don't you?

I sure do.

Now, normally,

Anna Bosnik would be here.

Unfortunately, she could not be here to sing for you during the interstitials.

I know she's really disappointed.

She's at least as disappointed as you are, especially because we came across a random pug rescue today.

We did.

However,

our very own Heath Enright would like to treat you to a song.

I panicked so fucking fucking hard.

You did not, Noah did not tell me that was about, wow.

I was, did you see, did anybody see me where I was like, huh?

He's joking.

We'll wait.

Ladies and gentlemen, Thomas Smith is going to come up.

Yes.

The one and only Thomas Smith is here.

With this, yes, yes, give it up or Thomas Smith.

Our favorite listener, April Poff, is right here as well.

We'll embarrass her a bit.

We draw all the best people when we come to Portland, Oregon.

Also want to recognize two of my favorite people in the whole world, Gail Jordan and Daryl Ray of the Recovering from Religion, or for Recovering from Religion.

They're here as well with us today.

Very excited.

Thank you guys so much for coming.

So that you know, we will be raising money money for Recovering from Religion for our Vulgarity for Charity this year.

So get those donations ready.

That's coming in November.

It's going to be the second worst way Daryl's ever earned money.

All right.

Is there anything else we wanted to do before we jump back in?

I think we can let those people come sit down.

Okay.

All right.

Those really?

All right.

Fine.

Let them in.

Let them in.

I stared away.

I was so awkwardly.

Wait, one second.

There you go.

You got to get your money's worth.

You at the front got more hole than I wanted out of that situation.

You can call the can hotline.

They just.

They press one for our live shows at this point.

Honestly, me spreading my hole 30 seconds after we explain that we'll be raising money for RFR is a really good

punishment for them

for trusting us.

So can I tell you guys an awesome story about my very good friend April Poff?

So one of the cool things about April Poff, if you're friends with her, you know.

I'm sorry, I'm going to embarrass you so much here.

That if you do any type of artwork, if you create anything or whatever, April is a furious fan of her friends.

She consumes all of her friends' art and she makes with a lot of compliments and she always lets you know how much she appreciates what you do.

She does that with me all the time.

She'll like message me all the time, say, great diatribe or whatever.

And what I realized is that in knowing April, I myself have become more likely to tell my friends that I appreciate the things that they do and I've been more free with compliments and stuff.

And I realized that about myself the other day.

So I messaged April and I said, April, one of the cool things about being friends with you is that I've realized that I'm following your lead and that I'm being, I'm complimenting my friends more.

And part of that is messaging you and letting you know about that.

And she messaged me back and she says, oh my God, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me.

And I thought to myself, well, damn it, now you've complimented my compliment so goddamn good

that you've jiu-jitsued my kindness

back on me.

She's a story-topping bitch, is what we're saying.

It's really what we wanted to get to.

That's where I was going.

Thank you for summarizing it.

He was taking a winding road around it, but if someone could push her down some stairs if you get a chance,

it's just, it never stops.

I think I'd be a great fat crow.

Like, if I walked around Comic-Con as fat crow, I think it'd be fucking fun as shit.

Fuck yeah.

The problem is you'd, I'd have to also have a sign.

I'd need someone to dress up as he knows he's the fat crow.

It's okay to think that's funny

because sometimes you see a fat Wolverine and you're like, he's just Wolverine.

He's, yeah, he's like, what do you mean?

Yeah.

There was a guy who was driving on a rascal, which I assume he needed.

He was a large-bodied gentleman, and he had a sign on it that said fulverine.

And I was like, hey, buddy, that's

fucking, you've embraced this world.

Pretty fucking solid.

This content is can-credentialed, which means you you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountability network.org.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

From Australia to San Francisco, Cullen Jewelry brings timeless craftsmanship and modern lab-grown diamond engagement rings to the U.S.

Explore Solitaire, trilogy, halo, and bezel settings, or design a custom ring that tells your love story.

With expert guidance, a lifetime warranty, and a talented team of in-house jewelers behind every piece, your perfect ring is made with meaning.

Visit our new Union Street showroom or explore the range at colinjewelry.com.

Your ring, your way.

My phone just buzzed.

Another data breach alert.

It was a reminder that VPNs and encrypted apps can't fix what's broken at the network level.

That's where CAPE comes in.

CAPE is a secure mobile carrier built with privacy as its foundation.

It doesn't collect names, addresses, or personal data, so it can't sell what it never stores.

Use the code CAPE33OF to get the first month of premium nationwide service for just $30 and 33% off the first six months.

Go to CAPE.co.

Privacy starts at the source.

In the heat of battle, your squad relies on you.

Don't let them down.

Unlock Elite Gaming Tech at Lenovo.com.

Dominate every match with next-level speed, seamless streaming, and performance that won't quit.

And push your gameplay beyond limits with Intel Core Ultra processors.

That's the power of Lenovo with Intel Inside.

Maximize your edge by shopping at Lenovo.com during their back-to-school sale.

That's lenovo.com.

Lenovo, Lenovo.