497: Suing the Devil

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Okay, we also get my favorite objection right before that.

The defense jumps in to object, and it's like, objection, argumentative, compound, ambiguous.

And like, they do it in the multiple lawyers jumping in with different objections, like a polycules answering machine of objections.

I thought that was fun.

If the court reporter had leapt up and beat them with a steno machine, I would be totally on board.

God-awful

movie.

Movie.

Movies.

Movie.

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema so that I'll have an excuse to keep smoking so much weed.

I'm your host, Noah Lusions, and sitting 700 miles to my my immediate left is my good friend Heath.

And right, Heath, welcome back.

Thanks, Noah.

I had to start drinking for the very first time because of this movie.

Really?

Yep.

It was bound to happen eventually.

And Eli's going to be unable to join us today, but we're excited to welcome in friend to the show, but a first-time guest masochist, Jeff Blackwell, is the legal director for American Atheists and the co-host of the not-so-grand jury podcast.

Jeff, welcome to God Awful Movies.

Thank you, Noah.

I'm happy to be here.

Longtime listener, first-time caller.

Yeah, right, right.

Well, yeah, no, I'm really excited excited to have you on.

And also, I'm very excited to see you next month at American Atheist Annual Convention.

Yes, I am looking forward to seeing you as well.

Our annual convention this year is in Minneapolis, April 17th to 20th.

It's going to be a good time.

We always have a lot of fun.

Because fuck St.

Paul.

Yes.

Exactly.

Yeah, that's Easter weekend.

So if you're going to be anywhere near there, by all means, check it out.

There'll be a link on the show notes to find more information.

So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today?

we watched suing the devil it's the story of the a racist guy getting in trouble for being racist in real life and then writing a movie about how it's actually satan's fault from a legal standpoint the racism thing is so amazing it's so bizarre klessy versus lusa ferguson oh nice well done sir Wow.

All right.

And Jeff, how bad was this movie?

Well, if you thought God's Not Dead 2 could have been great, but the close attention they paid to the ins and outs of legal procedure and exactly which fucking court they were in was just too much, you will love this movie.

Everything in Jeff's notes is like, I am angrily typing about this.

Legal thing.

Yes.

I am enunciating each key press as I type.

Strongly worded notes.

All right.

Is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Can I say best worst tagline?

Ooh, what was the tagline?

The tagline for this movie is: when Luke O'Brien sued the devil for $8 trillion,

he never expected the trial of the century.

What was he expecting then?

Right.

All the people who have tried suing the devil, and by that I mean at least a dozen people based on a quick Lexus.

Wait, in real life?

Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Come on.

It happens reasonably regularly.

And they all always expect it to be a huge thing.

And they were all wrong they always get laughed out of court it's maybe his initial expectations were realistic you know oh well there you go yeah

so okay so i had so many best worsts occur to me as we went but i have to let i have to throw this one in best worst intermovie tv show about the movie so here's what happened is we had this stupid fucking movie and it was like 84 minutes long and they're like well how can we get more movie and then suddenly somebody who knew tom sizemore and corbin burnson was like were were like, hey, you know what?

They'll be in literally anything.

And so they post hoc filmed all these scenes where the two of them and some chick are like sitting around talking about what just happened in the movie and never adds anything.

There's no character arc for idiom.

There's no purpose in having them there except to be able to say that they're in the movie.

And like we've seen that done so many times.

This is still the best, worst it's ever been done.

Hey, is Major League Eight still filming or can we get Corbin?

We do get to see the deep well of darkness at the center of Tom Sizemore at one point.

Yes.

We do.

Yes.

He's not having a good time.

No.

So I was going to go with just best, best.

Jeff Blackwell is furious right now.

And for the reasons I said before, and most of my notes were just like, Jeff, thoughts?

Is that how you get it?

Right.

And I had thoughts.

I had thoughts.

This is the first, I don't think we've ever done a show where the guest has had more notes than like both of us combined here.

Jeff's got exhibits.

He's got like entire databases from LexisNexis pasted in.

It's a lot.

Yeah, right.

No, there's some interesting stuff here.

All right.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Jeff isn't going to stay at his skin for very long.

So we need to keep the break brief.

And when we come back, we'll dive into all the hyper-repetitive bullshit that is

suing the devil.

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Nice.

Thanks for the tip.

No problem.

So, hey, while I got you on the line, you want to buy any social security numbers?

What?

No.

Fine.

Big discount.

No, not interested.

What if I pay you to take one is it iglabosnik how did you know yo a body shopping jersey like 30 grand now yeah

yeah

hey tim

oh hey rich who's your friend oh this is uh this is jeff he's gonna be the legal consultant for the movie on the condition that i'm not credited you burn my business card and all those photos we talked about earlier disappear forever disappeared yeah exactly got it all right so what do you think?

Did I pretty much capture the nuances of legal proceedings before the cough syrup wore off or what?

Well,

I've looked over your script

and it feels like it would be a lot quicker to list the thing you got right.

Wow, it's a pretty short list.

Sure is.

So, courts do have bailiffs, and judges do have gavels.

You got that?

Nice.

And lawyers do sometimes say objection.

Is that the

whole list?

Yeah, that's all I got for you.

What's a gavel?

It's the judge's little hammer that they use for

I'm sure I got something else, right?

There's a point in this script where the judge stops to check the rule book like they were playing a game of Catan.

Well, yeah, but no, but she's checking Rule 666.

You get it?

Yeah.

Yeah, everything in your script is too ham-fisted for anyone not to get.

But Rule 666 of the law?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Also, it's a civil trial in the International Court of Human Rights in which the defendant is found guilty.

And?

And that's not how anything works.

Rich, I'd like to sue this man for impugning my work.

You want a what?

Objection.

Sustained.

Overruled.

What is going on?

Looks like you're guilty.

You owe Tim $40 now.

No, I don't.

Well, according to our understanding of the law, you do.

Okay, I'm leaving.

All right, what about the pictures?

Eli can disappear his own blackmail pictures.

Damn it.

Fair.

And we're back for the breakdown, and we're going to start off in Australia.

You know that because we get an establishing shot of the Sydney Opera House.

If you miss it, don't worry.

We will see it four goddamn thousand more times before this movie is out.

Yeah.

As public domain, they're fucking using it because they're in Sydney.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

We see that Malcolm McDowell is in this.

And I was like, oh man, could he be the devil maybe?

Do you think Malcolm McDowell is going to play the devil?

It's going to be fun.

Hey, can I just say, I think Tim Che went to the Tommy Weiso School of Establishing Shots.

Oh my God.

This whole movie is like his shots of San Francisco.

Yeah, right.

Well, and over and over again, the movie establishes like the establishing shot is Australia, right?

It's just, it's the country that we're in repeatedly.

So we get a VO that introduces himself.

He is Luke O'Brien.

He is a salesman that is studying law at something or another

Knight Law School.

Yeah, he doesn't go to just any Billy Simons Knight Law School.

He goes to the Billy Simmons Knight law school.

There it is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, but yeah, but he wanted to be a lawyer when suddenly tragedy struck.

And we visualized that with him satting in front of a grave.

Yeah, he says, he says tragedies have led him to question his own existence.

Yeah, what?

This guy hasn't even got a handle on subjective permanence, like situational permanence.

Yeah.

I hurt, therefore I am not.

What's going on?

Yeah, this is some complex shit.

Yeah, but God killed his mom is what he thinks.

So,

but he's going to decide that it was, it was definitely Satan who really killed his mom and he's going to sue Satan.

Yeah, right, right.

Well, yeah, so he tells us that this has been the worst year of his life, his life, his life or whatever.

And then we get this flashback to the, honestly, the greatest imaginable montage of worst year.

Right.

Because they just cannot settle on a thing.

No.

Yeah, we see like TV news.

There's like a mass shooting.

And I was like, oh, Australia figured out a way to fix a lot of that.

So that's nice for fucking them.

Yeah, right.

And he's on a, he's on a sadness couch to make himself happy.

And he's, the thing is, he's eating popcorn.

And popcorn really fucks up the mood of a sadness couch.

It's a silly food.

It's just a whimsical food.

You can't have a sadness couch in popcorn very well.

And can I just say the room that his sadness couch is in has has

siding on the inside wall?

Why would it have that?

At first, I thought it was like Cinderblocks,

but it's not.

It's just siding on the wall.

It's fucking nuts.

Yeah.

The weirdest room.

So, yeah.

So there's a mass shooting.

His bank account disappeared.

What does that even mean?

I don't know.

He got

Jeff.

That's a real thing.

Mark Andreessen.

So yeah, so no, he's on the phone with the bank, and the bank is going, and he's, we just hear him going, like, what do you mean?

My entire account is missing.

How could that happen?

I'm like, yeah, no, let's drill in on that.

But so, yeah, so mass shooting, bank account disappeared.

His wife has fucking early movie coughing sickness.

She has one cough movie cancer.

Stage one movie cancer.

Yeah, right, right, yeah.

Yeah, she has Christian significant other itis or something.

Yeah,

exactly.

Right, right.

And

oil prices are out of control.

It's so fucking weird.

The movie's like, there's a mass shooting, his mom's dead, his bank account disappeared, his wife has stage one movie cancer, and oil prices are a little bit high at the moment.

And there's price discovery in a market for an international

good,

right?

So Satan kept God from killing more dinosaurs millions of years ago?

I guess.

That's That's what they're accusing of them.

Yes, I know it's mostly from dead plant matter.

Don't at me.

So, well, also, they established the oil prices thing with a lady on the news going, you know, oil prices are out of control.

And she goes, and oil companies offer no apologies.

Would an apology help?

I don't know.

If they were Canadian oil companies, that would be.

Hey, I'm a farmer from Big Egg.

Really sorry about that.

We're not going to change anything, but you feel better, right?

Yeah.

Because sorry.

So, yeah, but he's complaining to his wife and Lucas.

And he's like, you know, if Shane was right here, I would punch him in the balls for killing my mom with that drunk driver or whatever.

And then he says, I'm hell with it.

I'm off to the law library.

But because of his accent and because I'm watching this on YouTube with the auto-generated subtitles, it says, I'm off to the lower library.

Sorry, that I had to, I got a kick out of that.

And he looks like he was extruded through a Play-Doh factory.

Oh, my God.

This guy has the wrong aspect ratio.

It's bizarre.

Right.

He looks like if you left Trevor Lawrence on a deserted island for too long, or you put him on the dashboard in the sunny day or something.

Yeah.

I wish I had that aspect ratio, whatever it is.

He's looking, I don't know.

I get what you're saying, but I thought he was looking good.

I thought he was looking good.

Depends on who you're comparing him to, sure.

Yeah.

So, but all of this results, he goes to this, he's in his car in the rain, and apparently he's going to kill.

He's thinking about killing the drunk driver that killed his mom oh my gosh yeah with the world's tiniest little gun yeah he's in his rainy sadness car and he's he's gonna do a murder and then he's like fuck left the bullets at home

oh my actual likeness don't tell me i left the bullets at home oh i gotta make a checklist but i'm gonna do a vigilante murder from now on yep i got i got my keys i'm gonna post-it phone revolver i feel like i'm forgetting something oh my headphones?

No, I have my headphones.

It's just going to connect to the fucking car speakers anyway.

I don't need my phones.

Well, maybe I'll listen to a podcast like while I'm going after the car, out of the car.

It's fine.

Bullets, fuck.

Music note here.

This is so bland that I can't actually make out any of the lyrics.

Yeah.

It's like the Beatles on Triptophan and their recollection of the lyrics to Here Comes the Sun is a little bit hazy.

It's like, it's like the lyrics are soggy.

It's just, it's really bad.

But because he doesn't have his bullets, he opens his glove box looking for bullets, like, maybe my wife left some bullets in here, but a Bible pops out.

Right.

It's so stupid because the VO is like, and then a miracle happened.

I found a Bible

exactly where I keep it in my glove box.

In your glove box.

Yes.

In your glove box.

Right.

All I can think is that he has a side gig as an Uber driver and a Gideon left it in there.

Oh, interesting.

Okay.

All right.

Right.

But he's like, like, I found God.

And I was like, scratch the vigilante murder.

I found God now.

Yeah.

So we watch him recommit to Jesus under the Sydney Harbor Bridge with the Sydney Opera House in view.

And this guy, he reads his lines like me answering a Rosetta Stone prompt.

Yes.

Had I backslidden as far from God

that I was willing to kill a man?

He does not well with his acting.

For a whole movie.

That being said, I genuinely loved watching this movie somehow.

Despite all the bad, it was like

truly delightful to watch.

Yes.

No, this was a good bad.

Yeah.

So weird.

So, okay, so that night, he's flipping through channels, which used to be a thing.

Kids don't ask me about it.

But yeah.

Whoa, whoa, hang on, hang on.

Because he has an establishing shot in between these two scenes of a schooner crossing over the water as he in VO says, as I drove home.

And all I can presume is that he drives a schooner.

Parking is a pain in the ass.

Right?

Let me tell you.

It's my understanding that having a schooner as your daily driver can get really pricey.

Yeah.

There's a lot of upkeep.

Yeah, so he drives home in his schooner.

He's watching a little TV, and that's when it hits him.

All the problems in the world are the fault of a magical fire satyr is the plot.

Yep.

And he's like, I'm going to expose Satan using my night school lawyering skills from Bill's fucking night school in the strip mall.

And that's actually, yes, going to be the plot of the movie to expose the concept of Satan because people aren't aware of that.

Apparently not.

Yeah.

I decided to expose Satan.

Weird name for your penis, but I'm not here to yuck your yum.

It's your penis is a weird name.

So

he also says i might as well take some demons out and man do i understand where he's coming from i know that feeling i have also recently gotten back on tinder so it's rough yeah no the line is if the world is going to hell i might as well take some demons out and it's delivered like

Like you would imagine, like, if your buddy just picked up an empty pizza box to use as a pretend shield while he was drunk, that's the delivery that we're getting right here.

But yeah, he's going to expose Satan.

Beals a bumble.

Yeah, he's ranting about Satan's lies and deception that caused high oil prices and I guess the sickness of his wife, girlfriend.

Yeah, well, he didn't know about that, interestingly, quite yet.

But yeah.

Right.

So he goes off to sue Satan for all the shit that's wrong in the world.

And we get what they like, I guess.

The guy who made this movie just thought, and then he'll go in and the clerk will be really confused and humor will just naturally happen now.

Yeah.

Right.

And you just to sue Satan, you would go to the court, and there's somebody at the front desk of the court, and you're like, hello, I would like to sue Satan today, please.

And that's the interaction they have.

She's at the front, she's like,

Okay,

full name and address of the defendant that you're accusing of.

And he's like, Just right.

Satan,

evil guy, uh one hell road hell that's fine just like that as a so this was my best worst because a quick lexus search shows like a dozen lawsuits against satan satan the devil all caps or the devil not all caps each letter each word capitalized in like the last 10 or so years and that's just in u.s federal district courts this happens

also the time more than annually yes they're always dumb they're always dismissed immediately because one satan isn't real.

And two, even if Satan were real, courts wouldn't have any power to control Satan's actions in any way.

Right.

Fair.

And he somehow feels entitled to $8 trillion.

$8 trillion.

That's what he's suing for.

I can't wait for him to try and prove those damages.

So, all right.

So now he doesn't just go to any court, though.

They do explain which court he's in.

He's in

the International Court of Human Rights.

Well, no.

Or maybe.

Oh, that should be.

Because we see a half.

Oh my God.

We see a.

You have so many notes on this one frame of the movie.

It is.

It is literally a half-second show.

Do they have a satellite office in Sydney?

You can just go in there.

And I paused it for a good half hour.

So we see the actual like court filing for just the briefest moments of time.

And it says at the top, International Court of Justice.

Okay.

No.

no, no, no, no, no, no.

I could spend this entire episode on this half-second shot.

Tim Che, the director of this movie, the director and writer of this movie, allegedly went to law school, or he claims he went to law school.

The International Court of Justice, the ICJ, is the judicial body of the UN.

It hears cases between countries.

for violations of international law.

And Eli had no reason to know this when he picked this movie for me to be here for.

Every year, I volunteer my time as a judge for an international court competition that is law students essentially play acting, presenting arguments in front of the International Court of Justice.

Wow.

So once a year, I pretend to be a judge from this court.

It's not a criminal court.

Are you sure?

Because this thing says very clearly, it says criminal action number 666 right before.

Number 666.

That is the docket number.

And it's also entitled, it's titled as a complaint report, which is not anything in any court as far as I know.

Okay, but the ICJ, the ICJ sits in the Peace Palace in The Hague, which is in the Netherlands, Australia.

That's in Sydney, isn't it?

I am on.

several text threads with attorneys who are in the same moot court thing that I am.

And I sent them an image of this and we, they just went crazy.

Oh, I love that so much.

Well, regardless of all that, Luke is like, well, listen, Satan is a viable defendant in this court.

And we're doing it.

And he cites the relevant precedent.

Like, yes, he does.

And I was like, well, that's insane.

But apparently there would be relevant, like there would be cases that dealt with Satan suing and demons and stuff.

Jeff slipped them up.

Sure.

That's fantastic.

Yeah.

I can prove that Satan is a viable defense.

It's all about morning starry decisis, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He cites Dover v.

Marlborough, which neither of which are countries, so I don't know why he's in this court.

And interesting.

Section 10.3 of the civil or of the International Civil Liberties Suit.

What?

And neither of those are a thing.

So, okay.

Well.

even if there were an international civil liberties suit,

it wouldn't govern what he says it governs.

There's just so much wrong here.

I don't want to bore you with like minutiae of international law standing or anything.

Don't worry, listeners.

Jeff won't spend quite as much time on every other frame of the movie, but yeah, this one really deserved a deep dive.

Okay, but this part at the end here seemed right.

She tells him, like, okay, you need to send a process server to serve Satan with the lawsuit papers.

That would be how it works, right?

Yeah.

Somebody would have to.

Somebody go to hell.

Someone would have to trick Satan.

Yeah, that's like the one thing Tim Che gets right.

Just go up to Satan.

Hey, hey, huge fan.

Sign my breast.

You've been served.

Nailed it.

Face.

I want that guy's movie, right?

So, but no, so instead we get this montage of, well, I don't know.

I don't think it quite rises to the level of montage, but this attempted montage of Luke going around to all the various places you might find Satan to leave copies of his lawsuit of his complaint, right?

Yeah.

Which ultimately is a law firm and a strip club.

Yeah.

The strip club is the assumption that Satan would be like a regular patron there, just like eating waffles at 10 in the morning, watching strippers.

I don't know.

I'm in the middle of a rewatch of The Wire and Orlando's, this place isn't.

The guy behind the bar at the at the strip club says, I run a respectable business.

And I think he's right because all that seems to be going on in the background is several fully clothed dancers warming up for a practice.

Yeah, clearly.

Yeah, right.

At like 11 a.m.

So, okay, so, but I guess that montage was 30 days long, right?

Because we're now back in court and they're joking around about how stupid his lawsuit is.

Because, you know, the International Court of Human Rights, they've got, they got time to fuck around.

but just then satan pulls up in a ferrari just as you know he's asking for a default judgment for eight trillion dollars he shows up yep enter malcolm mcdowell yes malcolm mcdowell shows up he's a producer on this movie he is

what happened crazy he's a good actor i don't understand right there are a couple of moments where it shines through right somebody shows up in court right here and and then she goes well do you have representation And he kind of scoffs.

And he goes, do I have representation?

Like, you know, the movie's terrible, but those four seconds are amazing.

And then he puts on his sunglasses.

And I had a music note.

I wear my sunglasses in court so I can, so I can avoid the cost of CGI.

That's why I deal with it.

Awesome.

I don't you'll never hear it again.

Generally, we don't get our guests to sing live.

So that's that's interesting.

That's a nice

change for precedent.

Yeah.

So, all right.

So Luke goes outside to collect his thoughts.

Satan follows him out.

And then we have to watch Malcolm McDowell, who is a genuinely good actor, act next to this goddamn frosted mini weed of a human being, right, that plays Luke.

It is so painful.

And the line they gave him does fucking say, he goes, you're not really Satan, are you?

And Malcolm McDowell goes, and I quote, you're not Lookie Dookie, are you, idiot?

That's the actual line.

Words, Malcolm McDowell produced a movie to say.

Jesus Christ.

But he pulls the whole of the old flaming business card trick.

Right.

Yeah, this didn't make sense.

Yeah.

And I don't buy that Luke doesn't have a business card to give him because law students have business cards.

They're basically free.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Also, it's weird that Satan would be like, here's my card.

It's on fire because, you know, demon.

And then this lawyer grabs it and holds it for way too long.

You see the actor be like, okay, well, I have to wait for it to get to my hand.

Owie!

Ow!

Yeah, right, right.

He's waiting, but the flame is on the side away from the camera, so we can't see that it's burning down to a card.

Yes, you're right, right.

So why bother waiting?

And Satan hands him his card and says, Don't smoke it.

Now, Noah,

can you smoke business cards?

I mean, you can.

Like, there's like, they can't stop you, but I guess, sure.

Okay.

That would add a whole other layer to American Psycho.

Yeah, right.

Anything that gets on fire.

I've rolled many a joint with pages from Bibles for sure.

Well, yeah, that's true.

That works.

Certainly better than business cards.

Yeah.

They're nice and thin.

I'm just, I'm picturing the kids from the wire getting re-ups from Vistaprint.

So, okay.

So now Luke has to go find some help from a lawyer friend, right?

So we're going to get a couple of different scenes of him going up to different lawyers asking them to help.

Eventually one of them will, but not Mel.

And I want to point out at this point in the movie, we have three named characters, Luke, Satan, and Mel,

who just passed the bar.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We did.

We have not learned the name of the wife yet.

We will eventually.

Yeah, definitely not the name of the person who's dying from cancer right now.

So on my second rewatch, I realized that he does say her name very quickly in like one of the first scenes of the movie.

But because he's Australian, my brain just wrote it off as some Australian words.

And

okay.

Because I didn't know her name was Gwen.

And what he said didn't sound like a word.

Right.

As is so often the case.

Yeah.

But so, yeah, he asks Mel to help.

Mel won't help.

And now it was, then he gets famous, right?

Because he's suing Satan.

And so the press just can't get enough of him.

They're following him home, shoving microphones in his face all the time.

And all the

first of off, we're still doing voiceover.

Oh, yeah.

10 minutes into the movie, and we're still getting the intro voiceover.

That will never stop.

Nope.

It will run through the whole movie.

But also, again, the music is like.

knockoffs of elevator knockoffs of songs.

Yeah.

What's playing now is like men at faith with their hit single i'm gonna be 500 cubits and

it's just

nonsense it's so bad but then we watch him and his wife they're watching the news about his case which again like like watching the news about the movie is the laziest possible exposition but they're not even expositing Right.

They're not even telling us new shit.

The news is just telling us what we already know.

So this is just padding time at this point.

And they're just delaying the greatest scene in legal movie history, perhaps, when we're about to meet the evil law firm.

And I'm so happy.

Oh, my God.

So, like, legitimately, I would say approximately one seventh of this film.

is this one guy introducing Satan to his series of lawyers.

Like all of the, like him going off to try to find friends that'll help him and shit is just interspersed with this guy going around and saying, and here's the 14th lawyer that we'd like to introduce you to, Satan.

It goes on for so fucking long.

So yeah, so the, but the first one we introduce, we, we introduce him by his IQ.

Yeah, Mr.

Ice, Oxford, IQ of 214

is announced.

Right, 215 would sound like bullshit.

214 is a much realer sounding.

Yeah, it sounds really good.

A lot of theoretical physics when you're litigating demon-based complaints.

That's important to have

a super genius on the legal team.

It's like Reservoir Dogs written by an idiot.

I love that they do a pan over of this evil law firm for a second at the beginning, and they show us like the evil affectations on each character for a second.

So we see crazy soul patch guy, and I was like, okay, that's like an evil thing.

And then there's the guy with the goatee.

Oh, it's Azel, sure.

And I was like, yeah, all right, goatee, that's evil.

And then woman with dark hair that's him that's the other evil affectation we're working with

wearing red yes yeah exactly right another evil affectation so and then he introduces this other chick and he goes she's the best and youngest litigator in new york

youngest is that a thing why would you want a youngest litigator

sure i presume someone's always momentarily the youngest litigator in new york because because someone has to be.

Well, right.

But also, if you happen to be the youngest attorney in New York, you know what you aren't?

67 cases into your career and undefeated.

Well, right.

Yes.

Right.

Well, yes.

They don't even tell us how many is by knockout.

He says, you know, she's 67 and all.

And I wrote in my notes, Jeff, is that how lawyers are ranked?

By percentage?

By batting a period.

Is it winning percentage?

Mostly?

We don't do it by winning percentage.

It's actually more like the Premier League.

You total up the individual sustained objections you you made in each trial, like their points.

Oh,

okay.

That actually tracks with the rest of the movie, so it makes more sense.

And yes, I have seen Ted Lasso.

Yeah,

yeah, no, that's why everybody's trying to get in their own objection.

Okay, like on the back of your baseball card, it's more like sabermetric stuff now, like war, like that kind of thing, instead of just like straight up record.

I get it.

The next attorney introduced is Mr.

Think Tank.

Yes, Mr.

Think Tank, who in my notes is the Fawns, because it just is Henry Winkler.

Okay, sure.

Yeah.

And Mr.

Think Tank, he apparently defeated the passenger Bill of Rights for airline travel because, you know, Satan loves all the hacky comedian stuff about airports.

Yes.

Classic Satan.

Right.

Yes.

This is the lawyer that invented baggage fees, guys.

Why would a lawyer invent baggage fees?

The passenger bill of rights is actually a thing.

It is.

But it exists.

And he failed, I guess, at that.

Yeah, and it didn't do any of the things that it was supposed to do.

I have to go back for a minute, though, because it's going to be relevant in a second.

When Miss Black is introduced, the undefeated youngest attorney in New York, Satan asks if she would sell her soul for $100 million.

And she says, what's the catch?

And that will be relevant for when Miss Shy is introduced, who doesn't appear to be shy at all, and demands top dollar.

which she says is $10 million,

which is vastly less than the $100 million that the other attorney was just offered.

Yeah, right, right.

Order of magnitude, Lauren.

Probably want to keep her off the negotiation team for the seven

for $8 trillion.

She's going to give away

90% of that right away.

So, okay.

So, and then, look, and as he's, there are still more lawyers to introduce, but I have to mention this because as he's introducing lawyers, we keep going back to Luke trying to get lawyers to help him.

And we finally get to the one that is going to ultimately be his, his like vice lawyer through the whole thing.

Her name is Cynthia, but when we first meet her, he calls her Synth and me and Heath and Jeff and the closed captioning all heard Sith.

So we all spent like the next like half hour of this movie thinking this woman's name was Sith.

It would have been amazing if we got to watch like Darth Sidious be the lawyer trying to prosecute Satan.

Oh, there you go.

That could have been fun.

Well, she initially refuses to help him, of course, because Satan would be aligned with the Sith.

You would think.

So that's a conflict of interest.

She can't represent him.

Well, right, obviously.

Sure.

So, okay.

So then we go back to him getting introduced to even more lawyers.

We meet the guy who represents all the casinos in Vegas, which is awkward when they want to sue each other, I guess.

Yeah, that's Mr.

Innocent.

He gives us very strong disgraced youth pastor vibes.

Yeah.

He does.

Very much so.

Not pleasant.

And honestly, this fucking Australian actor doing a Texas accent is just, like, Marsh would tell him to try harder.

It's amazing.

Also, there are, we were introduced to seven attorneys.

Are these supposed to represent the seven deadly sins?

I don't think that they are.

Well, maybe they are.

I don't know.

They're all named like this is a morality play.

Yeah, they are, right?

Including Mr.

In Your Face,

who is the next one that we meet.

Mr.

In Your Face.

So, but yeah, but Mr.

In Your Face is the great.

Like, also, we should point out that he introduces them all by law school, and they're all like they all went to American law schools that I would name if we were playing Outbursts, right?

And the category was American Law Schools or whatever.

I think one went to Oxford.

Oh, that's right.

No, you're right.

The first one went to Oxford.

Everybody else was a Ivy League.

The one with a serious IQ went to Oxford.

Yeah.

That's too fucking stupid.

And went to American, really good law schools.

Oxford, Harvard, and Stanford Stanford all in a row.

And I thought they were all going to rhyme.

Yeah.

We went to all the Ferds.

The Ferds are the best schools.

Yeah.

Okay.

My favorite, though, is right at the end.

It's like, oh, and Professor fucking Fields, he doesn't get an evil name, NYU, whatever.

Okay.

Yes, right.

Yeah, they did throw an NYU in there at the end, didn't they?

We meet Miss Scarlett.

Yeah, I'm calling it Professor killed Miss Scarlett in the confessional with a prop gavel.

Oh, interesting.

All right.

So, and so now it's the first day of the trial.

There's, of course, a media circus outside the courtroom, and we have to talk about this amazing fucking media circus.

Because, first of all, go Australia.

The crowd is just chanting, Satan.

Satan.

Yeah, there's a bunch of tons of people, thousands of people from Sydney are protesting the trial, like on behalf of Satan.

And they have some amazing picket signs, I will say.

Don't they, though?

Oh, yeah.

There's one that says, Satan rules.

I was like, okay.

I mean, like, you didn't put a lot of effort into that.

One says, God is dead.

Another says, hell is real.

One says bad is good.

Is it?

Another says, why not the tooth fairy?

Interesting.

And then one that says, the devil's a loser.

There was one like

pro-Luke guy with a sign, too.

And this is another thing Tim Che gets right.

Every lawyer will tell you the same thing.

Always stop and talk to every reporter outside the courthouse when you're talking.

Yeah, Luke arrives and the first reporter comes up and he goes serious question for you luke are you a moron that was fun amazing you guys watch more of these than i do youtube's closed captions replaced moron with bracket underscore bracket oh i didn't notice that was is that a youtube thing or are the captions actually from the movie maker and he didn't want to write the word moron oh oh wow or was it just that the guy's accent was so tough that it didn't

know yeah so

the guy's typing the closed captioning hey language we're trying to get

from dove sorry from dove

so then but then satan shows up and the crowd goes crazy right and satan's attorneys open the passenger side front and back doors of his like range rover

but satan was sitting up front gets out of the gets out of the car no one gets out of the back seat and they just leave the doors open and walk away just checking the hinges boss

looks like that door i'm in a wd40 this one is a little squeaky go away yeah you do your thing

so satan stops and he tells everybody he goes the world is full of losers and i'm like yeah that's that's a great line man i can see why and then he kicks somebody in the nuts for liking kiss yeah that was weird oh yeah somebody runs up and it's because night's in satan's service so like oh i love kiss and he gets needed the crutch oh is that an acronym yeah which people say it is i guess i don't know and Satan knees him and is like, fuck you.

I'm a Tom Jones man.

Yeah.

Is Tom Jones like a rival of Kiss?

The way I don't understand.

I don't know why that's an either-or

situation.

I don't know.

And why would Satan like Tom Jones in particular?

Right.

No, there's a lot of questions there.

Well, perhaps we could wrap some of them up with my best worst, right?

Because this is where we're going to introduce Corbin Burnson's law show, You Decide the Verdict,

where he'll just like, they'll just talk about whatever scene just happened for a few seconds.

Yeah, Nancy Disgrace.

So I know actually, that's Nancy Grace.

It's like Twitter, the political panel show.

It's great.

Yeah, so Tom Sizemore is here.

He's playing Tony the Hip and Zaldo.

Yeah.

The hip?

Your nickname?

It's supposed to be like a gangstery nickname there, right?

Like the hip.

But like,

yeah.

It feels like a really old kind of decrepit gangster.

Like

his Mikey sciatica kind of hurts a little bit today.

Enzo, the lactose intolerant, like weird gang.

Right?

There's also, he says at one point, he turns to Tom Seismore and he goes, oh, well, we've got our roving reporter.

He's reporting from Tony, you'll love this.

London.

Why would Tony love that?

What?

What?

Why would they throw to London at all?

yes right the guy in London's like well the trial's happening in Australia I don't know why we're here man

and I momentarily I thought wait is this supposed to be happening in London

why do they keep showing the opera house then

right because he can't figure out what court he's in so yeah right

and this political panel show is discussing as if it's like an important serious discussion is this really

or is it not because that determines everything and like i know it's meant to be kind of absurd according to the movie but this is every discussion about religion ever heard by anybody who's not religious about any topic it's just so silly and dumb honestly yeah

So, yeah, but all right, well, I'll tell you what, we need to put Jeff in a walk-in fridge for a minute before we ask him to relive any more of this film.

So we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be back in a minute with even more

suing the devil.

relax hey hey heath what what you doing here nothing just uh just hanging out normal hanging out well okay but the chicken with the weapon attached to its head oh this

yeah

yeah so with the price of eggs getting kind of crazy Despite a very clear executive order to reduce all the prices of all the things that cost money, I decided to get some chickens.

And

the weapon on its head?

Yeah, that's a laser gun.

I want to keep the egg facility nice and secure.

Well, Heath, if you're looking to save some money while avoiding laser chickens, why don't you try Quince?

Oh, what's

Quince?

It's a great place to find amazing deals on high-quality clothes.

Okay, but in my experience, Elevating my style, it means breaking the bank.

Not with Quince.

You can get high-end, versatile pieces at prices you can actually afford.

You mean I can upgrade my style by snagging killer luxury essentials that sync with my vibe and my wallet?

Indeed, that's what I mean.

Quits has all the must-haves like Mongolian cashmere sweaters from $50, iconic 100% leather jackets, and comfortable pants for every occasion.

Cool.

And what would you say is the best part?

The best part?

All Quince items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands.

But

how?

Yeah, that's a great question.

By partnering directly with top factories, Quince cuts the cost of the middleman and passes the savings on to us.

And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices along with premium fabrics and finishes.

I love that.

Eli actually got me a Mongolian cashmere hoodie recently.

You think he got it from Quince?

I know that he got it from Quince.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's fantastic.

I wore it after skiing last week.

I was a ball of luxurious cozy.

So, um, where do I get more quince?

Indulge in affordable luxury.

Go to quince.com/slash awful for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's q-u-i-n-ce-e dot com slash awful to get free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash awful.

All right.

Checking it out right now.

Lots of great stuff on the site.

Hey, they even have pickleball sets.

Wow, that's great.

So, in terms of the fastest growing sport in America, right?

So, in terms of the laser chickens idea, just a heads up,

that's a rooster and they don't lay eggs.

Oh, yeah, no, I know.

Um, Tom from Cognis needs a new alarm clock, it's a birthday present.

The laser hens are in the coop, okay.

Got it.

All right, welcome to the settlement conference.

Thanks for meeting me here.

My office is getting renovated.

No problem, yeah.

All good.

So, I'm Alan, and I'll be mediating today.

Hey, Alan, I'm Luke.

Yeah, and uh, I'm Mr.

In Your Face, No Fear, Crushing It, Counsel for the Defendant.

Luke, Mr.

In Your Face, good to meet you.

In Your Face, No Fear Crushing It.

Say the whole thing, please.

Sorry.

Mr.

In Your Face, No Fear Crushing It.

IQ Googleplex.

By the way, please add that when you say my name.

Mr.

In Your Face, No Fear Crushing It, IQ

Googleplex.

Googleplex.

Nice.

Great.

So, Harvard, by the way.

Luke,

what are you seeking in damages today?

$8 trillion.

Sorry, what?

Sorry.

You think the defendant damaged you personally in the amount of $8 trillion?

That's correct.

So the GDP of Australia is $1.7 trillion.

Well, yeah, but I've done some really fucked up stuff.

caused by Satan.

You know, like macroeconomic levels are fucked up.

I need $8 trillion.

All right, come on, let's be reasonable.

We'll give you

$7 trillion.

No deal.

See you in court.

Seriously?

And he's gone.

He left.

Wow.

Yeah, I got Adventi, Soy, Carmel Macchiato for In Your Face, No Fear, Crushing at IQ, Google Plex, 64235, Stable Genius.

Thank you.

Is it kids' temperature?

And we're back for more of this shit.

And we're going to rejoin the action in the courtroom where the trial is about to begin.

I got to mention Satan has entrance music here.

Yes.

And I enjoyed that a lot.

Jeff, what's your entrance music when you're doing court stuff?

Do you have entrance music?

Oh, easy.

It's Prelude to War by Bram McCruy from the Battlestar Galactica soundtrack.

It's also my doorbell.

May have been my guess.

If you'd given me time, I think I could have gotten in.

Yeah.

So, okay.

So, yeah.

So, and also we should point out that in the courtroom, they've allowed a lot of the protesters to bring their signs into the court as well, which is awfully nice of them.

Yeah, that's different.

Cynthia turns to him at this point, is the other lawyer that's working with Luke.

She goes, Are you sure you want to go through with this?

I'm like, this is a terrible time to ask that question.

You have appeared as his attorney in this thing.

So why are you asking that now?

He's just like, no, and they run out.

And by the way, this court is so clearly just a church.

Yes.

There's a confessional against the back wall.

You can see plaques either side of the judge, huge plaques commemorating the like founding pastors of this church.

Don't bother to cover them up.

Also, they're the craziest mixes of fonts I've ever seen.

It was like headache-inducing.

I think those are the founders of the International Criminal Court of Justice Law, Jeff.

Yeah.

Maybe you've heard of it.

Right.

The International Congregation of Human Rights or something.

Yeah.

Right.

There it is.

That's it.

Yeah.

Which also, there's no International Court of Human Rights.

It's in Australia.

You haven't heard of it.

Right.

Yeah.

It's like my girlfriend from the summer.

Well, if there is one, we're not fucking part of it.

One way or the other.

Well, yeah.

No, that's barely.

That's true.

Yeah.

You raise a good point there.

He is asking for $8 trillion Australian dollars.

So really.

Yeah, well, that's true.

That's true.

That's barely anything.

Okay.

No one's going to notice.

It feels low, the number 8 trillion for like all the evil ever that Satan allegedly caused.

That's fair.

We're going to find out, though, it's not a class action suit.

No.

He personally wants $8 trillion.

Jeff, legally speaking, would there be like some sort of settlement conference to decide on the number 8 trillion before?

So

there would be settlement conferences, but before you have those, yes, the attorney would sit down and like

try and total up what someone's personal harm amounts to in dollars.

They get to just name a number that they can think of.

Well, he had a great mom, though.

He had an $8 trillion mom.

She was pretty great.

So, yeah.

Before the devil killed him.

Yeah.

That becomes part of his testimony later.

So, yeah, so, so, but Luke is up first.

He's got to give his opening statement.

And his opening statement is essentially, I feel inadequate since I'm suing the devil himself.

But, like,

I feel like the devil's the easiest person to sue that there is, isn't he?

You'd think.

This guy, I feel a little inadequate.

He left the house to shoot a guy and forgot the goddamn bullets.

You should forever feel at least a little inadequate.

Oh my God.

And by the way, there's a U.S.

flag in the corner with no fringe, so we know it's a real court and not an Admiralty court.

Interesting.

That's good.

They'd have that in this Australian court of international human rights.

And the plaintiff's table has like six tiny...

six tiny flags.

Yeah, it's a bunch of little tiny flags in an array.

I don't know.

Oh my gosh.

But essentially, though, his opening statement is, I feel inadequate, but I'm going to lawyer him so fucking hard.

And the crowd loves it, right?

The judge could barely even call the court to order after his opening statement.

It's so damn good.

Yeah.

At one point during the opening statement, he says, that being over there is the embodiment of evil.

And then we get an objection.

from

the literal devil's advocates.

And they're like, yeah, my client is not a being.

He's a fallen angel.

That doesn't count.

That's a type of being.

And the judge is like, Cool, cool.

Continue.

Jeff, are you allowed to object during an opening statement?

Is that a thing?

Yeah, you can.

There are limits to what you can say in an opening statement.

So, yes, you can object.

It doesn't happen very often.

Okay.

But you can't object and say, my client doesn't exist.

He outright isn't a being.

Yeah.

That's not one of the types of objections.

No, the judges kind of overrule that.

Well, I also like that the judge's response is just kind of like, eh, good point.

Fair enough.

That being said, continue.

That's what happens.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, and now, of course, Satan's lawyer takes their turn and they just basically say,

Luke's responsible for his own bullshit.

It's not Satan.

Yeah, he actually, he does something kind of clever here.

And I have to give the movie credit because a nice opening statement would be, this guy has dragged you away from work, away from your family to sit here and hear this stupid lawsuit and waste all your time.

That's a perfectly valid thing to say.

Yeah.

Given the circumstances.

But that's

kind of mean to say.

And we get another object

because it was mean.

His opening statement is.

Yes, no, there is just an objection.

Mean.

Yeah.

No personal attacks.

Calling a lawsuit hair brain is not a personal personal attack.

Nope.

She says that a lot, though.

That's the only thing that she seems to know as like as a means of sustaining an objection.

Yeah.

So, okay.

So now Luke is going to present his case.

He calls his first witness, who is, this is Pastor Matthews, and he's here to assure us that Satan is totally real.

He talks about him in the Bible all the time.

The most historically accurate document ever.

Noah.

Quote, the Bible has been the most reliable source of history than any other ever produced.

And actual quote.

You can measure it by height if you stack them all.

Lee Strobel.

Got some girthy, girthy truth to it.

Yeah.

Yeah, right.

They object.

He's like, you know, they talk about Satan and the Bible, but

Satan's lawyer is like, objection, you can't use the Bible.

And Luke's like, no, I can use the Bible.

And the judge is like, ooh.

Or you?

I'm the judge.

Wait.

Now, I will say, at least in U.S.

federal courts, you can, in the right circumstances, use the Bible as evidence.

Can you?

But not for the stuff that's written, like the text of the Bible.

You can use it because

for a long time, sometimes the only book.

families would have in the home was a Bible.

So they would write down like birth dates and death dates.

Oh, yeah, right.

Okay.

Sure.

Major things like that in their Bible.

And it is admissible as a family record for that okay but you can't just not admissible to like prove that god so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son no yeah you can't be like exhibit a the documentary called the passion of the christ by mel gibson

right right historical so okay so but then satan's lawyer cross-examines the the pastor and he's like he's holding an apple and he goes what if i told you that this was the very apple that eve bit from in the garden of eden

And we're all like, well, then there would be a bite out of it.

And there isn't.

So it's not that.

He says it would be riddled with worms.

No.

Thousands of years later?

Well, it's been charitably 6,000 years.

Yes, exactly.

A 6,000-year-old apple.

It would have worms in it by now.

It would be dust.

The worms would also be dust.

It's fine.

So dumb.

I have no idea what he was going for there either.

He will never be going for anything no that's

right yep you're right i'm i'm i'm good i'm holding it to an unfair standard but then corbin burnson cuts in to assure us that that was too interesting yeah he calls it high drama yes high drama

you about your own script

i feel weird calling this a trial this is a string of non-sequiturs it's like calling some papers scattered on the floor a book.

Right.

Right.

So, but Tom Sizemore would like to to offer his opinion.

He's kind of on Satan's side.

We should also point out Tom Sizemore is acting as though his mom made him take this role, right?

He could not be more upset that he has descended this far in life.

And his mom caught him with a bottle of vodka and made him drink the whole bottle.

Well, yeah, that's that too.

He is wrecked, Tom Sizemore.

Like over and over again, you see him, you catch him like starting to do a voice, but then going like, no, you know what?

Fuck this movie.

I'm not doing a voice for this movie.

Yeah.

He does the thing where like, I'm trying to do an impression.

I'm like, huh?

Nope.

Didn't have it.

Didn't have it.

Right.

I don't know how to do voices.

I don't know why I would start doing one.

Didn't have it.

So, okay.

So we get that scene.

Corbin Bernson gives us his best.

I'm only here to pad time anyway.

Look and wraps things up.

And then we go back to Luke calling his.

I see why he only gets these roles.

Right.

Right.

So, but now Luke is going to call his second witness, whose name is one letter away from John Doe, by the way, John Dorr.

Oh, very clever.

I didn't catch that.

Yeah.

That's pretty good.

And John Dorr is an evil oil company executive.

And Luke is going to open this exchange by saying, why are petrol prices so high?

Thanks, Biden.

So to be clear.

Yeah, right.

When the price is relatively lower, Jesus is winning on earth or something?

Yes.

Yeah, clearly.

He might as well have just fucking called a cloud and yelled at it.

Yeah.

And the oil company guy is like, what you and every other loser should do is make more money and stop complaining because that's how oil company executives are.

His questioning of this guy, I genuinely don't know if he thinks he's in a drama, a comedy, a cartoon.

Right.

His face makes no sense.

That is a pretty blanket statement that you can apply to almost every scene he's in.

His face makes no sense.

Why is he asking the questions of the witness?

He brought Sith in to be his attorney, and then she's sitting at the table silently this whole time.

Yeah.

Well, you got to save her for the tag in.

It's like a tag scenario that's actually going to happen.

Oh, right.

I forgot this was a cage match.

Yeah.

And

there's really an interesting insight to the just gross stupidity of the guy who wrote this film because Luke says to the oil company executive, why don't you just lower the prices of gas?

Right.

And

like, that's what the movie is all about.

This guy fantasizing about if like if I could get Satan on the stand, if I could get those oil company executives on the stand, here's what I'd tell them.

And what he'd tell them is, lower prices are better.

Jesus.

He invays against money and greed in the stupidest most banal possible way but the crowd goes crazy at money being the root of all evil and the jury is in tears yes why yeah and you're suing for eight trillion dollars you can't say love of money is the root of all evil right while you're suing for personally eight trillion dollars

fair So and then before he's done, he says to the oil executives, he's like, I have one final question for you.

Do you believe in God?

And the oil executive is like, no.

Gotcha.

It's the end of the scene.

Okay, we also get my favorite objection right before that.

The defense jumps in to object and it's like, objection, argumentative, compound, ambiguous.

And like they do it in the multiple lawyers jumping in with different objections, like a polycules answering machine of objections.

i thought that was fun if the court reporter had leapt up and beat them with a stennel machine i would be totally on board so okay read that back to me

so then we cut back to corbin burnson's show for more expositionless exposition is this in position i don't know

But they're pretty sure Luke did a really good job with that cartoon oil executive, right?

From that fucking Captain Planet bad guy.

He says at this point, he goes, we just just got word that 20 more countries are now watching our, are now broadcasting our show.

And I'm like, in the middle of the episode?

Yeah,

just now.

And they mention some of the other countries.

One of them is Pakistan.

And then the movie is like, okay, people aren't going to understand what the fuck noise I just made.

Yeah, you know, Pakistan.

We'll show it to you.

You know, people who don't have chairs.

Pakistan, you know, Pakistan with no chairs?

Brown people that believe in concrete embunkments and watch CRTs with rabbit ears.

So

yes.

So now everybody understood.

And I wrote, I was literally writing in my notes.

Next, they'll say North Korea is tuned in.

And then I was halfway through writing North when he said that North Korea was tuning in.

Yes.

Yes.

And by the way, so what, again, what the writer had in mind, his vision was you'd, you know, you'd get shots of a bunch of different people in a bunch of different countries to represent the whole world watching.

What they settled for was one shot of a Brown family sitting on the floor in front of an old TV.

And we will go back to them like 11 more times, say, and to, as if to say, see, the whole world is watching.

Just a family of eight North Koreans straddling an ICBM with a TV in front of it.

You know, North Korea.

So, okay, so back at the trial, Satan's lawyers are talking a little mid-trial shit to Luke.

They're really mad at him for his dirty, cheap, rotten trick with the oil executive.

I don't know what that trick is.

Not clear.

Right?

Because why the fuck would that have anything to do with anything?

No, it wouldn't.

Yeah.

Luke has done nothing.

The lawyer says, the NYU lawyer says to him, he's like, when I'm done with you, you won't even be able to take the bar in Antarctica.

And I'm like, well, none of us can take the bar in Antarctica.

Oh, man.

I mean, I suppose you could be in Antarctica and take some other country's bar.

I mean, mean, possibly.

Yeah, let's have him.

Let's exile him to Antarctica.

There you go.

So, but Satan's a little worried.

He's starting to think they're losing.

So he smacks the shit out of his lawyer.

Malcolm McDowell had fun with this.

He gets to do several slaps.

This is the first.

He did.

It's fucking loud.

I think that's why he produced this movie.

I remember when I got slapped by a client during a trial.

Yeah.

Did you really?

I went about my job like it was nothing.

Nice.

I'm just, I'm hard that way.

That's how we Scarlet Knights do.

All right.

So then court resumes.

Apparently, the defense is now cut in line and would like to call their first witness before Luke is done with the latest witness.

They get to call witnesses.

Does it go back and forth?

No, it doesn't.

No, it doesn't.

Take turnsies?

Oh my gosh.

And their witness is Luke.

Yeah.

Sith goes, why are they calling you now?

And I'm, why are they calling him at all?

Yeah, right.

Why are they calling anyone now?

He's the other son.

It's our turn.

He could just be like, no,

I don't answer the call.

I don't know.

Right.

Did he think he wasn't going to have to take the stand?

Like, if it's a criminal trial, the defendant can refuse to take the stand, but he's suing him for money.

This is not

just nothing.

nothing here is right and doesn't he call himself to the stand later for himself anyways so I probably, I don't.

There was at a certain point, my brain shut off.

Yeah, right.

No, because they're just going to call each other back and forth over and over again.

They're going to call Satan to the stand like 23 times.

Yeah, the movie just forgot and they were like, next person to talk at the little table thingy that we wrote.

It is.

Yeah, right, right.

Yeah.

I too was doubting my own existence at this point.

Right.

Yeah, no, that's fair.

So, but Satan's lawyer points out that on the night that Luke's mom died, a nurse overheard him saying, God, how could you let this happen to me?

So isn't it really God's fault, not Satan's?

And then all the Satanists in the gallery are like, woo, God's a dick.

Yes, fuck that guy.

It's the best.

I mean, it is

under his theology.

So, yeah.

Seemed like a pretty good point to me.

The problem with evil is fucking up your movie that you wrote.

Why would you put this part in there?

So,

and then dumb shit, dumb shit.

We're going to skip a couple of scenes and we're going to skip ahead to the next day where Luke calls Satan to the witness stand, right?

Because it's his turn now, I guess, again.

And Satan could just be like, no.

Yep, but he's not.

There is a bit where they want him to swear in on the Bible and he's like, come on, guys.

I'm Satan.

You can't do that.

We get another team objection.

Luke asks him about Eve, you know, about what the hell that was all about.

Yeah.

The question is, you admit that you're the evil being that stalked Eve?

And of course, we get more tandem objections from the devil's attorneys.

Yes.

Although they do appear to have conceded that he is, in fact, a being because they don't object to that.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah.

Right.

Right.

They've conceded that point.

Nice.

You caught him.

But Satan says he didn't stalk Eve.

Eve was into it.

Which she was.

Yeah, no,

that's how the story goes.

So, but Satan's like, you know, your mom was insignificant.

Also, you were a bad son, like a lot.

And then Luke loses it, right?

He's going to kill Satan for saying his mom was insignificant.

The bailiffs have to like pull him away.

Yeah.

He starts crying.

I genuinely, I wrote in my notes, you're goddamn right.

The code red.

He starts crying.

They're going to use a few good men so much.

They are.

I didn't realize it yet.

I got so mad.

Yeah, yeah, there's a lot of rage, a lot of rage.

But there is this amazing moment where Satan turns to him as he's screaming, and the bailiffs are holding him back.

And he goes, Does that look like a Christian to you?

And I'm like, He's irrationally screaming, I'll kill you while he's being unduly favored by the courts.

Absolutely.

He looks like a fucking Christian to me.

He looks exactly like a Christian.

Yeah, I think his performance in this scene may be the best performance in the movie because that is exactly what it looks like to me.

Yeah, absolutely.

So he gromps off.

Cynthia tries to comfort him, but but he's pretty pissed off.

And then fucking Corbin cuts in to get Tom and Chasmin's take on that scene as well.

It's like, you know, those fucking podcasts that are just about like last night's episode of whatever show?

It's that, but embedded within the movie that it's about.

It's so fucking weird.

That's bizarre.

This thing that we're following, if it was a movie, I would, wow, I would pay a lot of money for it.

I sure would.

Yes, I would sure

very impressed with the performances so far this is gripping and here we see that tony the hip has got a past because he wants to assure you and they look directly at the camera he has seen satan and that yes is not satan oh yeah he says that and then corbin is like hold on you've seen satan and drunk tom sizemore already forgot what was happening long pause and then he's just like

yep

And then he yells, Luke is no match for Satan.

I was like, okay, so it is Satan.

You have no idea what's going on.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

Can I do a deep cut and say, 30 seconds on the clock, why is Tony called the hip?

I just keep picturing this really funny geriatric street tough gang with like hip problems and moderate to severe plaque surprises and stuff.

All right.

So now before the trial can restart, though, Satan tells his lawyers to sweep the lag, right?

He wants the gloves off at this point.

Get used to that.

He will ask for that about 13 more times.

But now it's finally time for Cynthia to do literally anything.

She calls Satan back to the stand and asks him about Job.

Such a good question.

Yeah, right.

No, he's pretty impressed with her question, but apparently her point is, like, he admits that he caused a lot of suffering for Job.

And she's like, so if you're responsible for that suffering, couldn't you also be responsible for all suffering?

I'm like, wow, that's a hell of a standard to hold a person to.

That's some nonsense right there.

You're the one lawyer he came up with to help.

Okay.

Yeah.

And she gets an objection there, leading the witness, but she wasn't.

She just asked him an open-ended why question.

It's like the prototypical not leading the witness yeah dumb question yeah yeah right well they they couldn't think of another one and it was the dumbest fucking question you would never object to that if the other team said something as dumb as that and satan is like yeah that's crazy what you just said yeah like that doesn't mean i did all the suffering i'm actually not omnipresent any chance you want to prosecute like i don't know an omnipresent guy that's in your stupid lore or anything like that well right yeah he's like well you know hey god could stop me at any time and he doesn't and cynthia Cynthia is like, free will doesn't count.

Doesn't count.

I said the words free and will next to each other.

I don't have to present an argument at that point.

I just, that's it's answered, answered.

Genuine question.

And maybe I've missed something, but isn't the devil omnipresent?

Fallen angels, do they get omnipresence?

I think they don't.

I don't think they do.

Wait, no, like he travels the world.

The world at the speed of a thought, which means he's not omnipresent, right?

Because if you're traveling at any speed, you're not omnipresent.

Any speed that's not infinity.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't think so.

All right.

I stand, I stand corrected.

Idiot.

So

and then now there's a snake.

Yes.

Yeah.

Right.

There's, they got to figure out a way to end this scene.

Couldn't even pass the bar in Antarctica, I bet.

Everybody screams and there's, they're like, they've had it with this motherfucking snake in this motherfucking court, I guess.

It's Australia.

Seeing the snake is like seeing a rat in a New York subway station.

That's true.

Yeah, right.

An Australian, somebody would just pick the damn snake up and throw it out the window and they'd keep going.

Yeah.

So, okay, they do that with terrorists.

So Luke, he wanders out of the court, and of course the media is hounding him on his way to the bathroom.

But then we have this scene where him and Satan run into each other at the restroom.

Satan is just taking a raunchy shit.

So they're killing time while that clears out.

I'm not making that up.

That's what Satan comes in.

He's like, ah, bad oysters.

Don't go in in there.

Yeah.

The movie writers were clearly like, can you imagine taking a shit after Satan?

We will write a whole scene.

I bet it would be like,

I don't know.

But like,

we're going to put it in there.

And they're going to say, bad oysters.

We'll just say bad oysters for now.

And then no one went back to fix it.

You got to know the R rule, man.

It's got to have the letter R.

And Luke tells him, I didn't think you'd show.

Yeah.

Which.

What was the point then?

Because if he doesn't show, no one pays him $8 trillion.

Right.

Yeah.

What's the point of the judgment?

What the fuck?

But also, like, they don't have an answer, right?

Because he's like, Satan, why did you show up to defend yourself?

And Satan's like, I'm,

it's the plot, man.

I don't know.

And then he walks off.

Or, sorry, they have to have this like, you know, why did you turn against God moment where like Satan tries to take credit for the crucifixion?

And I'm like, no, that was God.

And Luke is like, no, that was God.

So I'm like, oh, yeah.

Right.

I forget that you guys like embrace that fucked up part of your theology.

We also get to see Satan slap one of his lawyers again, the Harvard guy, I think, this time.

And this was the first time where I was like, oh, I'm officially Team Satan.

Like, I'm all the way on Satan.

Like, if a lawyer names their university and their IQ, and then somebody else slaps him, I like the slapper.

I'm on Team Slapper.

Sure.

I'm on board.

Yeah.

And I'll note, Luke did as Satan was instructed.

He, in fact, does not go into the bathroom.

No, you're right.

That's true.

I thought you were going to be like, obey

his wishes.

Rutgers, 217, I do.

So, okay.

So, so now, so Luke is on the stand again, I guess, and a different one of Satan's lawyers is questioning him.

They're asking about his law school.

They're like, didn't you go to Billy's College of Night Law?

And I'm like, no, man, that's not even what you guys said earlier.

Like, night schools don't teach night law.

They just teach regular law at night.

What the fuck are you talking about?

You can't learn about maritime law unless your law school is on a boat.

And at this point, one of the other attorneys for the devil objects to this attorney for the devil asking about Harvard

because this guy's from Stanford.

Oh, yeah.

And they get into like a heated fight about him boasting about being from Harvard.

And then the Stanford attorney fires the Harvard attorney like

right there in the middle of the court in front of everybody.

He's firing the fawns, by the way.

Yes.

And he's tagging in Miss Scarlett.

Right.

And then he sits down and the devil says, nice trick.

He says, you ain't seen nothing yet.

What?

What trick?

Yeah, I agree that I've seen nothing yet.

The trick of having a meltdown in the middle of the court because some guy talked about his school?

Like,

was it like a strategy?

They were ingratiating themselves to the jury by firing a guy who said, I'm from Harvard, actually, because that sucks.

I guess, yeah.

But then they sent in Miss Scarlett to question him, but instead of like finishing that scene that we just set up, we instead cut to Luke and Cynthia and Luke's wife walking down the street feeling like they sure are losing this case now that the Harvard lawyer got

fired.

No idea why.

Yeah, Sith says she's going to go down as the worst lawyer in the history of law, and I hate to break it to her, but Rudy has got that covered at this point.

He has a lot.

That title is owned.

Yes.

It's a lot of competition, and Rudy is still

in the

melt on live television at the Four Seasons Landscaping.

Yeah, right.

So you'd have to do it at the Four Seasons Landscaping at that time.

So I've been watching that video a lot just to make myself happy again.

Yeah.

And so there's just two things that we need to know about this scene.

The first is that the wife is just like, yeah, but he's so much smarter than you, like a lot in this scene.

And the second is that there are constantly police sirens in the background that have nothing to do with the movie.

And these lazy fucks couldn't just wait until there were no sirens in the background to film the goddamn scene.

So, all right.

So it's the next day.

The media is clamoring for a statement from Satan on his way into the court.

There is a, again, like I said, there are like nine brilliant seconds in this movie, and these are like five of them are right here, where the one guy says, If you're Satan, prove it.

And then there's just a scream, and the guy's face burns and he falls.

Terrible CGI flame face.

I guess back 10 seconds button like 10 times.

Just

it was so good.

Hilarious.

Okay.

Three of the other most amazing seconds happen right here, too.

They cut.

They cut to Lee.

He's outside of the court somewhere else, and we just watch him drop everything.

He's in an infomercial for like the briefcase that closes.

Boing.

And his doesn't.

Papers fly everywhere.

They start rolling away like apples.

And he's trying to gather them all up.

It's just like three seconds.

And that's the whole thing.

And they cut back.

And it's pointless.

Right, right.

And it's so they recognize that in courtroom dramas, very often, like late in the thing, when the when the good guy, underdog lawyer, is doing poorly, he's running late for court at some point.

And so, for reasons that they haven't bothered to establish, he's running late.

And then they're like, oh, and then his papers would fly everywhere.

And we're like, why would they?

And

that's so funny.

Why they would.

I laughed for so long and watched it again several times because he drops his bag for no reason to set it up so that then he can try to grab the bag that fell with the hand that has the papers and the briefcase and he drops everything it's so good it's like the air dumped this guy's books yeah yes

right right yeah

so meanwhile satan's on his way in to the courtroom and there's a blind guy with an end is nigh sign who in a Christian movie is a wise person and in every other movie is an insane person, right?

But the blind guy starts telling him about how they're all living in the last generation.

And I'm like, well, that explains y'all's stewardship of the planet and economy, I suppose.

But yeah.

Noah, he's quoting from the book of Luke.

Do you get it?

So

clever.

So clever.

So in this movie, he's both the wise person and the idiot because he starts trying to be the wise person and he's quoting.

And then he's like, I've got this great Bible quote from, and he's gone.

He walked away.

And So

everyone in the Christian movie walks away from the obnoxious, crazy preacher guy in the Christian movie.

Oh, wow.

They do.

So, okay.

So now Satan's back on the stand and Luke is asking him about Cain and Abel, right?

And this is where Satan explains that there can't be good without evil, which is fucking stupid argument.

It makes no goddamn sense.

There can be light without darkness.

There is like light is without darkness.

It's the whole fucking point of light, you dumb bastards.

Anyway, and I look, look, look, everything about this fucking movie is stupid, so it's really weird to point out any single stupid line.

But at this point, the judge, but one of the Satan's lawyers says something that she doesn't like, and she turns to him and says, quote, will you sit your jack in the box face down?

What?

That is the most looked around the room and wrote the first thing that he saw moment in the history of Gam and Eli does that as a bit.

What the fuck was that?

australians let me know is that a thing is that an insult you guys have that we don't get okay and the acting here everything about this movie is like porn quality oh yeah except that everyone's dressed pin in that by the way yeah right

yeah no kidding oh my god for real porn's gonna come up in a second

so and then so but satan and and Luke are arguing on the stands and and about Jesus and the crucifixion or whatever.

And finally, Satan gets mad and he's like, look around you and see what's really here.

And we look around and there's all these demons in the courtroom.

And as I'm sure you can imagine, these are very high-quality demons.

Seaton conjures demons to scare Luke.

And he's like, fuck you.

Look around.

Demons in.

Hoodies from Cuts Clothing, which specializes in the storm

business.

But somehow Luke, with his like Jesus magic, blocks the demons with his own angels that he conjures into his vision field somehow.

Yeah, right.

So, so that he's like, yeah, I'm not scared of your demons because I have imaginary angels surrounding me.

And Satan's like, oh, damn it.

And then the two of them start like talking shit telepathically.

Yeah.

And the judge is like, you can't communicate telepathically.

It's a court of law.

The court reporter transcribed that.

Sorry, sorry.

Please, please, Steno, write this down.

I made an awesome point telepathically just now and I beat Satan.

Write that down?

Write that down.

But

the movie itself doesn't know whether this happened just in their heads or if everyone else was also privy to it.

Right.

Yeah.

Because we cut to Corbin Burnson, and he's like, that was amazing.

Yes, exactly.

That was pretty good.

He's a Christian, so he also has telepathy.

Oh, that must be it.

Yeah.

I bet that's it.

All right.

Well, believe it or not.

We just went angels and demons, and there's still a third of this goddamn movie to go.

So we're going to give ourselves a break right after I give Act 3 the hard sell.

Will Luke win the lawsuit?

What would that even mean?

Would that be a good thing?

Not why not that the movie doesn't give a fuck about those questions at all when we return for the Everybody Gets a Monologue Conclusion of

Suing the Devil.

Hey, Noah, what are you eating there?

Bucket of kale.

Where'd you get that?

That vegan place that eli likes nothing but kale sure yeah makes sense should have been my first guess but noah if you want to eat healthy and enjoy it why don't you try green chef what's

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I sure have.

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And they're especially good for people who haven't been as good about their heart-healthy diets as they might be letting on.

Okay, but how was I supposed to know unfrosted Pop-Tarts weren't healthy?

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Green Chef, the number one meal kit for eating well.

Great.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to, I've got to finish this kale.

Oh, I thought you were just going to order from Green Chef.

No, I'm not doing this for health benefits.

Eli said I had to eat at least two buckets before he'd come back and write ads for us again.

Oh, yeah.

Eat the kale.

No, I am.

I am.

Hi.

I'm Corbin Bernson.

Wait, why am I Corbin Bernson?

LA Law.

He was a lawyer.

Oh, is that where he's from?

I mean, as much as he's from anywhere, sure.

I mostly remember him from Major League and Major League 2.

I just know him from Psych and other stuff on this podcast.

Fuck it.

I'm Corbin Bernson.

And I'm tragically dead, but even more tragically in this movie, Tom Sizemore.

And I'm that lady.

Jasmine, by the way, is my name.

We have names.

Played by Australian 90s pop sensation, Rebecca St.

James.

What a fun fact.

Thank you.

So, Tom, what do you think about the last section of the podcast?

I think they're kind of straining to find enough to talk about in a movie that's this repetitive.

Sure, yeah.

And while Jeff clearly understands the format, his first-time jitters are showing through a bit more as we go, I'd say.

I feel like he's doing great.

Well, you would.

Wow, this is an incredibly cheap vehicle to add to your runtime.

Sure is.

I miss Eli.

Only in this very narrow way, but yeah.

Yeah.

I'm fine.

And we're back for still more of the shit.

And we're going to rejoin the action in the courtroom yet again with Satan telling his lawyers to really take the gloves off now.

Yeah, it's like now it's hardball.

And it's weird to like amp up your lawyering and having not done it early.

Jeff, how much of lawyering, you know, how much of like a 67-0 record is based on really ramping up the intensity in like an act three moment, you know?

Oh, it's like you're a video game boss.

You just get more formidable over and over.

You start flashing red and you lawyer harder.

Right.

And once, once all your attorneys have powered up, then you are Satan Voltron.

Got it.

Oh, nice.

Oh, awesome.

Awesome.

I can't wait for the sequel.

So, yeah.

So now the course back in session.

And Luke is back back on the stand now, and he's being questioned by Miss Scarlett.

Now, I want to point out that we earlier set up him being on the stand, being questioned by Miss Scarlett, right?

When the guy fired the Harvard lawyer, right?

He says, can we sub in Miss Scarlett?

He was on the stand.

When they went to edit it, they sort of just forgot they had put another scene with another witness in between these two.

They have no fucking idea what's going on.

Doesn't fucking matter.

But this is a goddamn amazing scene, right?

Because this is the scene where they start to ask about like his browser history.

Oh my gosh.

Whoa.

They try to ask about his browser history.

So tasty.

And Miss Scarlett is like, have you ever done porn?

And he says, yes.

And I was like, fuck yes.

This is awesome.

First of all, this actor is 100% in porn.

And we just, he doesn't have it on his pages or whatever when I looked it up.

Sure.

But the movie, they meant do porn as in like, do the act of watching porn.

I was I'm so disappointed.

Right.

She says, have you ever done internet porn?

By which she means watch it.

Yes.

And he's like, yes.

He sheepishly admits that yes, he has porned before.

And his semi-anonymous significant other is not pleased.

Oh, she is fucking shocked, right?

Mike Johnson walks in.

Hey, I got an alert.

What are you doing?

What are you doing right now?

I'm the speaker of the house.

And then we see another lawyer come in and she says, Didn't you use the F word in traffic the other day?

And he's like, oh my God,

I did use the F word in traffic the other day.

And then, so, and now it's fucking Mr.

In Your Face's turn.

Now, I want to point out the credits and IMDb have this gentleman as Mr.

In Yo Face.

Yikes.

Yeah, he is, I believe, the film's only African-American character.

I refuse to use that name.

So he's Mr.

In Your Face as I say it.

I'll allow it.

Oh, thank you.

So he comes up and he goes and he starts screaming in his face suddenly.

That throws him off balance.

That's just good lawyering, right, Jeff?

Yeah, he does the like slow build so that Luke's not ready for it.

He's like, hey, so do you know the word audacious?

Yeah, you're familiar with the word.

Isn't it a little bit audacious?

That frivolous lawsuit.

Yeah.

And it's like, got him, surprised him.

Classic Adam Sandler style move for lawyering where you get loud all of a sudden.

Yeah.

But now, Tim Che is going to tell us way more than he means to,

right?

Because he needs to add to this list.

It's a list of common sins that we all do, right?

Watch internet porn.

Too bad in traffic.

Use the F word.

And so the third thing he says is: isn't it true, Mr.

O'Brien, that last week you used a racist remark?

Yeah.

And he's like, yep, slurs, lot of slurs.

Plus, you know, one of those venial sins, watching porn, slur words in public.

This guy's dropping M-bombs on the rank.

Apparently,

the good guy in this movie.

Right.

Yeah, he actually gets the question, what slur?

And he's like, I don't remember.

I don't know which one you're talking about.

And I don't want to admit to any of the other one.

100% Team Satan.

The most recent time, though, he went to use a racial slur and realized he left all the letters at home.

So

he couldn't.

So, yeah, so he's leaving the court.

And the media for once is asking the questions I'd asked.

They're like, hey, man, what was the slur?

How often?

Are you a fucking racist?

Name some other slurs.

You know, there's a cutscene somewhere where he was like, oh, no.

Malcolm made me cut it because he's the EP.

So, and then the voiceover cuts in at this point and goes, you know, have you ever reached that point in the script where act two is over and act three has just begun?

And, and so, so now he prays to the Sydney Opera House, realizing that he should just take responsibility for his own mom's death.

He prays to God, to be clear, to win the civil international criminal suit against Satan for $8 trillion.

Yes.

And as if God would let him lose that suit without a check-in in this prayer moment.

Right, right.

Yeah.

To see what he wants out of it.

Yeah.

So, okay.

So now we're back in court.

Satan's on the stand, and Luke is just delivering a fucking sermon at this point, right?

They have Satan snoring because it's so boring.

They have dubbed honkshoe sounds over Malcolm McDowell.

Yes.

Okay.

Are you allowed to just like heckle and roast when you're on the stand?

Jeff, how much heckling are you allowed to do?

How much of that is a good strategy in general?

From a witness on the stand?

Yeah.

If I am on the other side, go for it.

The witness can do as much heckling as they want.

Fuck yeah.

Scarlet Knights.

That's right.

So, but yeah, but eventually he gets done with all this Bible shit and he goes, so how many people have you killed, Satan?

Just hearing Jeff's sighs in the background every day.

Yeah, Yeah, it's just like preemptive, yeah, right, right.

Co, because I know what's coming, right?

He says, if you're gonna ask, just like, how many people have you killed?

You don't need the big biblical prelude to this shit.

And Satan says, Look, I killed 10 people in the whole Bible.

God killed all but eight people in just one fucking story, right?

And Luke is like, Why can't you just tell the truth?

To which Satan says,

You can't handle the truth.

I was so happy.

No.

No.

You don't get to quote Jack fucking Nicholson in this movie.

No.

It's the best.

If this was supposed to be like a not another teen movie type send-up of a legal drama, then sure, I get it.

Go, go for it.

Sure.

But that's not what this is.

This is like a cargo cult version of a legal movie.

Like he's seen a few good men and some Law and Order episodes, and then he's like constructed a courtroom out of bamboo and thinks that that's what a law movie is.

He's like, because he's just put up like some, he's put a jury box in a church and is like legal movie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, but the way they steal it, they bumble it so hard.

Yes.

You can't handle the truth gets yelled at by Malcolm McDowell.

So like a good actor like Nicholson, maybe not a Nicholson level, but like a good actor does it.

And then Luke responds, yes, I can.

Yeah, he goes, I can handle the truth.

But yeah, then that's what a few good men was missing.

Tom Christ just didn't have the comeback.

No, it's not.

Can too.

I know you are over to mine.

Yes, I can, double stamp.

And the military guys stand up and salute him.

And then he gets even more Nicholson, and it's so, they steal so much.

He's like, you ever been to hell, boy?

I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom.

You want me on that gate of hell.

Like, they do the whole stupid thing.

And then Luke gets back at him, though.

He's like, well, hell is where you're going.

And the crowd goes fucking wild.

Yeah.

Courtroom erupts.

Oh, shit.

Super hot lake of fire.

Judge goes for another recess for dramatic purposes.

You know, no, no, no, no, no, no, dramatic ones.

And and then okay right this this trial happens in 15-minute bursts it's yeah right right look you gotta start wondering about the judge's bladder at a certain right right is eli the judge yeah exactly so now so luke calls another pastor to help him exonerate god this is pastor pringle come on

that's okay that's his real name yeah this is the one like of the religious figures they called to the stand.

This is the one guy who's playing himself.

And he's like, he's not the poor man's Bill Nye.

He's, he's the poor Australian man's Bill Nye.

Yeah, right.

If that really gets it across.

Oh, yeah.

No, he's, I believe he's made an appearance on Scathing Atheist before.

Yeah.

So, but they have this great cross-examination right because he's talking about Satan.

And so he, the, Satan's lawyer gets up and he's like, okay, so like, if I were to punch a poaching counsel right in the nose, that'd be me, not Satan, doing that, right?

And Pastor Pringle's like,

I mean, yeah, I guess.

I'm a pastor, and I'm forced to agree with a literal devil's advocate.

This is very awkward for me.

My name's Pringle.

So Pastor Phillips also comes on to speak on God's behalf, right?

This is where he goes, can you prove that God exists in 30 seconds or less?

In 30 seconds or less.

What the fuck?

He goes, I only need one sentence to prove God exists.

I'm like, I bet you don't.

He goes, something cannot come out of nothing.

And we're like, oh, no, check made us.

I wish they cut to the court reporter with a stopwatch.

Just like, oh, 30 seconds.

All right.

Nope.

He did.

He went 35.

But like, then it turns out he needs way more than one sentence because he has to try to explain himself because that was nonsense.

And he's like, no, because let me explain in several more sentences.

Science is perplexed by a moral conscience of human beings.

So that's how you know what I said is true.

What?

Is science perplexed by that?

What do you mean?

Pretty sure that's just like, you know, we evolved and like it was advantageous to be part of a society.

Absolutely.

I know that we can't.

We're social animals.

So

something comes that can't come out of the, I know, I know we don't have time to get into all the way that that's wrong, but that, like, to the extent that that disproves anything, it would also disprove God, right?

Like, it just the things can't exist is what you just proved okay so then corbin cuts into pad the runtime a little bit more i wouldn't have bring it up except that tom seismo goes you know it's hard to say who's winning and i'm like man it's hard for you to say anything as drunk as you are at this moment

but then okay so we're back at the courthouse satan's lawyers are starting to get a little bit nervous you know because luke is doing so well and i i have to jump in here to any any law students who are listening.

There's some great advice to be found in this scene.

Really?

Always talk to your client out in the open with the adverse party standing literally three feet away from you.

That's how this works.

Yeah, clearly.

So Satan beats up Mr.

In Your Face, who again is the movie's only African-American character.

Super uncomfortable.

One of the top seven lawyers in the world.

Yeah, yeah.

T7.

So Satan lawyers move on.

But Luke pops in for another quick chat.

This is where Satan finally tells him that his wife has brain cancer.

That's why she's been coughing.

Right.

Because it's brain cancer.

And this is where we all realized what her name was.

Yeah, right.

Her name is Gwen.

Yeah, Gwen.

Oh, okay, cool.

Yeah.

Her name is Gwen.

She has a hidden medical condition.

She's the protagonist's wife.

The movie is obsessed with sin.

If this ends with her head in a box, I am on board.

It's a pretty best movie ever.

All the YouTube comments make perfect sense.

She's got a wicked axon dendrite cough.

So that's important.

Yeah, exactly.

So, but also when he's on his way out, so when Luke walks out of scene here, Malcolm McDowell smacks him on the ass.

I promise you that was improvised.

I think that's why he produced this movie for that

to shoot that shot several times.

Find me a tall guy with a tight ass to smack and I'll do your movie.

Yeah.

So, and then like he leaves and Satan just stares directly into the camera and he goes, I got to smack that guy's ass.

He breaks the fourth wall.

Pick a lane movie.

We've done porn together in real life.

I mean,

porn and watched both.

It's unbelievable.

So, and then Luke goes to talk to Gwen about her brain cancer, right?

He does the whole, are you dying of cancer?

It's like, we had a copy, you have to tell me.

Right.

But they, they start the little cutaway scene with a positive, like, oh, it's Christian music.

And they're walking and like things are going better in the case.

So it's supposed to be this happy moment.

And then they sit down on a bench and they forget to turn off the happy music.

So we get happy Christian music playing.

And she's like, yes, I'm dying of brain cancer.

And she's crying.

Yeah.

Because he went to the Tommy Wiseau School of Filmmaking.

Right.

Yeah, exactly.

but what a terrifying window into christianity this is right because like this woman is going like yeah i'm dying of brain cancer but you know you seemed busy i didn't want to interfere and get in your way you had your court case and you're the main character i mean i just got a name in the last scene so and i'm sorry about that was a little bit up the uppity of me to have gotten a name i do i do i read

i do read the book of timothy so proceed

so okay so but then we go back to court for more court.

And Satan's lawyers at this point, they want a continuance because they're saying Malcolm McDowell is not Satan.

And according to the, quote, international rules, end quote, the trial can't continue.

The international rules.

It's rule number 666.

Yes.

And the judge goes, I've never heard of it.

And yeah, because it's not a thing.

This is an international criminal court.

There's no such thing as the international rules.

This court is actually a judge.

I'm not even trying to hide.

Jeff,

I hate to correct you on the air, but there's a big dusty book on the table right in front of the judge.

And she opens it very quickly to Rule 666, section whatever, and it's there.

It's there.

Yeah, no, it's right.

I stand corrected.

Objection overruled.

So, yeah, so she goes to the chamber.

She, she calls them all to her chambers.

And by the way, they have a great opportunity for humor, right?

Because Satan has 21 lawyers.

So, like, all of the lawyers in her chambers could have been funny.

They didn't think of it because that's remotely clever.

So, they go in there and she's like, and the lawyers are like, well, he's not Satan.

And that's, you know, I mean, it's pretty easy to prove because Satan's not a thing or whatever.

But Cynthia says he is Satan.

So the judge says that she'll allow the trial to keep going, but they have to prove that Malcolm McDowell is Satan.

Hey, Jeff.

Jeff.

Yeah.

Is that how it works?

No.

This is not how anything works.

You can't decide halfway through that.

Oh, I'm not the guy.

You know what?

We just realized.

No, you've, you've appeared in Satan.

That's not ad at all.

You've submitted yourself to the court's jurisdiction.

You've claimed to be the defendant.

Like, no.

If the attorneys doing this, I would impose sanctions on them right there.

Like, this is the stupidest thing in the world.

But Satan's been dead for 30 years.

Maybe he's mentally incapacitated and that's a, you know, okay, we can have a hearing as to whether or not he can aid his attorneys in his case or something like that.

But just, no, I'm not actually the guy.

Yeah.

Is not a thing.

That's a hell of a try.

Okay, so now Luke and Cynthia, they commiserate about the Herculean task before them.

Once again, Gwen gives him this great, like, whatever the lack of a pep talk is, where she's like, you should just give up.

He's too good and smart for you.

This movie keeps roasting itself within the movie and then moving on like it didn't just fucking do that.

Yeah.

Also, her brain cancer of the lungs is flaring up again.

Yeah, well, right.

Yeah.

She's up to stage three.

She coughs three times here.

Oh,

her brain coughs.

She has one act left to live.

Right.

Yeah.

Right.

She just takes like a Ludens and smashes it up her nose to get into it.

Okay.

Mentholiptis.

Nice.

So, okay.

So then they call Satan to the stand yet again, where he says he's not Satan.

He's a used car salesman.

Get it?

Because fuck those people.

Callback.

Yeah.

So, but now Luke has a Bible and he's going to read from it.

And he's going to read from the part that makes Satan burp.

So Satan will burp, which proves that it's Satan.

So this is so weird.

We'll listen to this actor belch for like the next 90 goddamn seconds.

But he does the whole get thee behind me, Satan bit.

And Satan has to get behind you, literally.

He's literally standing right behind you.

Yeah.

Right.

Immediately behind you.

He's already behind him.

Right.

He is standing behind him.

He turns around.

Luke has turned around and is just addressing the crowd.

Yeah.

It looks like a bad shot porn angle all of a sudden at an overcoming, like over his shoulder.

Yeah, so, but he does this several times.

He'll do the whole go through the get thee behind me, Satan, and then Malcolm McDowell will actually have to run off the witness stand and run in behind him or whatever.

And they're doing the like devil on his shoulder thing.

Yes.

Yeah.

But that's not what it plays like.

Right, because there's nothing.

It plays like Malcolm McDowell is into it.

Yeah.

You're supposed to have an angel.

The psychomachia has the thing on the other side, too, but it's just Malcolm McDowell.

He also says something insane.

He starts offering Luke, you know, anything you want if you let me go or whatever.

He's like, I'll give you anything, money, real estate, horses.

Oh, I didn't even catch that.

I must have been laughing.

That's what the fucking guy close captioning says.

That's what I heard.

And it wouldn't make sense for him to say houses after he just said real estate.

So yeah, I think it's worse.

But Luke says, and of course, he's got to have a great comeback, right?

We're all

this deep into the movie, and he's finally one-up to Satan.

He says, you look pretty stupid to me.

It's the actual quote from the dumbass movie.

So, okay.

So, now, like, the judge tries to order Satan back to the witness stand, but Satan has a big monologue to give.

So, he magically steals the judge's voice, and he gives this great, big, long monologue about how God invented some stuff, but he invented noise.

Yeah.

What theology is this?

No idea.

I'd never heard about this.

God created everything.

Well, except noise.

I created noise.

Leaf blowers, nightclubs, gangster raps.

Gangsta rap.

Oh my God.

Lust.

That one was me.

Hey, man, did you use a racial slur in the last week?

I bet you did.

Yeah.

So apparently God never created sound on any of those days or whatever before he rested, which which is weird.

And then Satan uses that.

He makes like gunshot noise happen and like early video game sound effects happen and everybody's space invaders.

Driven mad.

Right.

And oh, and then the window explodes.

Conclave stole that scene from this movie.

Yeah.

These are special effects that I would be ashamed of even if I was using Blender in my sleep.

Yeah, no, that's ridiculous.

So, but Satan calls everybody losers.

So, and this, this occurs to me in a lot of the movies that we do.

This is the point where you have to ask yourself what the fucking reason for doing this was.

Because this is the big monologue that we've been building the entire movie towards, right?

Satan's going to have a big monologue, and then the main character is going to have a big monologue.

But Satan has nothing to say.

It's so sad.

He's just vision about whatever it is that the guy who wrote this movie was angry about in that moment in just sort of a random stream of consciousness.

We learn about what grinds his gears, the writer of whatever this fucking movie is.

Yep.

In the form form of Malcolm McDowell as Satan being like, I invented customer service.

I was like, what do you want?

Some of that, right?

I own all the utility companies.

You own all of them?

It's pretty useful.

I mean, like, we want utility companies, right?

I invented parking tickets.

And I was like, well, you want, I mean, that's also useful if you don't have parking tickets.

It makes no sense.

No.

Almost everyone's parking on the sidewalk.

This is how it works.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, but he does his whole big monologue.

And at the very end, he goes in, why do I do all of this?

Because I hate you so much.

And I had to put my notes.

I'm like, look, as silly as this movie is, as little as you can actually learn from this, that moment is a great highlight of the idiotic simplicity of the Christian worldview, right?

That this like, and why is there parking tickets?

Why is there high gas prices?

You know, why is there all this stuff, the customer service people that aren't as attentive as I'd like them to be?

Because Satan hates you.

Yeah.

Jesus.

Satan scolds everybody for not supporting charity and like buying stuff again, like buying Xboxes and not giving to charity organizations and like USAID's budget is too small.

And I was like, I cannot be Brother Team Satan.

This is crazy.

This is like the end, the big speech at the end.

He's supposed to be evil doesn't work.

And then, oh, then we get possibly the worst thing.

from the mind of the writer, Satan's like, left-wing politics versus right-wing politics.

It's all a distraction.

They're all the same.

And I was like, okay, that's the first helpful thing to show that Satan is bad in the movie.

I guess that's something.

You're right.

Right.

Congratulations.

Yep.

So, and he ends by saying, have a nice day.

Oh my God, it's so good.

This is the climax.

This is the big thing.

And Malcolm McDowell, as Satan, the Prince of Darkness, is like, and one more thing.

Fuck.

I've got to stick to landing now.

It's climax of the movie.

I'm your friendly neighborhood, Satan.

Have a nice day.

Ah, shit.

Shit.

Can I do it?

Can I go again?

Yeah.

In a movie he produced.

Yeah, right, right.

So, but then Satan's lawyers jump into damage control and they ask that that whole monologue be stricken from the record.

Right?

Yeah.

Okay.

So how, like, the judge says that.

They're like, hey, jury,

no remembering that.

Jeff, serious question.

This is actually a serious.

How does that ever work?

Why is that ever allowed?

You can't just not remember a thing you heard.

Yeah.

No, that's a, that's, that's one of those legal fiction type of things where the legal world exists in a fanciful land where people forget stuff that they're told that is crazy and would obviously stick in their memory.

Okay.

And juries remember that.

Maybe they remember that they were told not to think about it, but that's like telling somebody not to think of a pink elephant.

So, yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

I'm thinking about that way more from now on.

Plus, it was a speech from Satan.

It was kind of a big deal.

Well, right, where he talked about being Satan and everything.

Yeah, but the judge agrees that the jury should disregard the evil Satan rant and the magic powers that he demonstrated, right?

Because he like made the window explode at one point and all that shit.

I mean, we passed grounds for a mistrial a while ago.

Yeah.

Magic and magical being the towers.

And then I love this too because the judge turns to the jury and she goes, am I clear?

And then nobody answers and the scene ends.

So, okay.

So now it's time to make closing statements.

Defense goes first this time, apparently.

And they were like,

our client's a fucking nutteroo.

What are you going to do?

I mean, there's nothing.

He can't be guilty because he's too crazy for that.

And of course, I'm writing in my nose.

guilty.

It's a civil suit.

He's guilty of $8 trillion.

What the hell are we talking about here?

There is no way that Tim Che

went to law.

I cannot believe that Tim Che went to law school.

I think maybe he once wandered into a law school.

Right.

He went to law school the way he does internet porn.

Yeah.

Right, exactly.

It's setting aside that he doesn't know what court this is supposed to be or what fucking country or continent he's on.

You don't go to law school and fail to discern the difference between a civil trial and a criminal trial.

Those are vastly different things.

Like, I didn't go to law school either, and I can call you out on that shit.

Right.

So, okay.

So, that's their closing.

Now, it's Luke's turn.

He gets to go first and last.

And he admits he does say a lot of racist stuff.

Amazing.

That's his closing statement.

It's like, yeah, I'm a pretty, pretty bad person.

Racial slurs is a crazy detail that I shouldn't have done.

Every day it's a struggle to be good.

You know how it is.

You walk around without yelling a slur.

You're pretty proud of yourself.

But then the next day, you're probably going to yell one.

It's really hard.

It's really hard.

We're all human, right?

God forgives us.

Yeah.

You know, that's just part of the human condition, spouting racial slurs, at least.

Yeah, right, right.

But yeah, so but he gives this whole speech about how good stuff is better than bad stuff, and Jesus is great, and his religion is awesome.

And then he asks the jury to make Satan pay him.

Him.

$8 trillion.

$8 trillion.

Yep.

And then, of course, he closes by saying the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that this quote comes from the Bible or something.

So I used to be a member of a website called Trigger Street.

It may still exist, but it was a social media site for aspiring screenwriters back in the 2000s.

And I reviewed another member's screenplay, and in it, he kept referencing Casablanca almost constantly.

And in my review, I explained to him that you can't just do that.

If you reference a classic movie in your movie, no matter how good your movie is, it's not going to be equal to whatever classic movie you're mentioning.

Right.

Right.

But now your audience is comparing it in their heads to that classic movie, and they would rather be watching that movie.

Yeah.

And I think maybe that guy whose screenplay I reviewed was Tim Ch.

So

yeah, he does that a couple of times.

Yeah.

If it was, he didn't take my advice, but oh, so okay.

So the judge comes out.

They've got a verdict now.

We see that one brown family without chairs standing in for the world, watching along.

And the jury finds

for Luke in the amount of $8 trillion.

Whatever.

It's Australian dollars.

Satan just writes a check.

Here you go.

Yeah.

$8 trillion.

It's real.

Good luck.

Yeah.

There's no more utilities in the world because I had them all.

Right.

No, the crowd goes wild.

The international family goes wild.

We hear a rando in the courtroom yell, Satan, you can go straight to hell.

And everybody goes wild for that.

Cool.

My toys are there.

I want to go back.

Yeah, right.

Corbin Burnson goes wild.

We go to the man on the street with the news or whatever.

The men on the street are going wild.

Luke hugs his brain cancer wife.

I'm like, oh, please die of brain cancer right there.

Right now, but no.

Yeah, Pull of God's Not Dead 4 or whatever.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

And then, in case this movie wasn't stupid enough, Luke wakes up at the law library.

It was all a dream.

You shitheads.

God damn it.

Everything that Jeff Blackwell personally said about about us not knowing the law, does it's technically fixed?

Because you know how dreams are a little bit weird.

That's why, yeah, plausible deniability.

Eli, I know you handle scheduling, and I get why you aren't on this episode now.

Because if you listen back to this, just know there will be retribution for picking me for this movie.

When we're in Minneapolis for the convention, I am going to sneak into your room in the dead of night and pluck your nose hairs while you're asleep.

These.

Oh, he's got a nest of nose hairs though.

So yeah, you'll have a lot to grab.

So yeah, so he runs home.

He asks his wife.

He's like, hey, do you have movie cancer?

And she's like, no, I don't have fucking movie cancer.

What the hell are you talking about?

He's like, yes.

And he walks out to

the Sydney opera house and he loves Jesus again.

He accosts two girls on his way.

Yep.

He hugs two women against their will.

That's always nice.

Yep.

And then as the scene's fading out, we hear his VO say, I'm going to forgive the guy who murdered the drunk driver who murdered my mom.

And I'm like, that's the main fucking character arc of the whole goddamn movie.

And you just have to have the character saying it out loud as the scene fades away.

Jesus Christ, that is such criminal neglect as a screenwriter.

If I was to draw visually my emotional movement, it would be like this arc I'm drawing, right?

Right.

He started as a born-again christian and he ended as a born-again christian character arc yeah

so and then look he's walking along and satan tempts him one last time he looks up and he sees some satanic graffiti and satan's like i'll give you some good and he's like no and and that's it and the movie ends hooray good guys win i wanted that just a pause and then one little cough

all right well jeff so thank you so much for hanging out with us.

Thank you so much for suffering alongside us in this movie.

If our listeners wanted to hear more from you, where should they go?

Sure.

Well, I am the legal director for American Atheists.

So you can visit atheists.org, A-T-H-E-I-S-T-S dot O-R-G.

And you can also visit convention.atheists.org to

register for our annual convention coming up in Minneapolis, as I've mentioned previously.

We're really looking forward to seeing everybody.

You know, who knows how long it'll be before we can get together again as a group of atheists after this year.

Yeah.

So please do come out.

I always look forward to meeting everybody at our conventions.

It's a great time.

I also co-host a podcast about legal movies called The Not So Grand Jury with a couple of attorney friends of mine, Mike and Derek.

So check that out on, you know, wherever you get your podcasts.

All right.

Well, Jeff, thank you again so much.

That's going to do it for our review of Suing the Devil.

But it's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to plan another episode in case there isn't a rapture again this week.

So Heath, tell us what's on deck.

We're going to be watching Pagan Invasion 7

evolution.

Oh, really?

We're skipping one through six, huh?

Seven's where it really gets going.

Interesting.

It's going to be lost, but we'll figure it out.

So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 497 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to Jeff Blackwell for helping us out today.

Be sure to check the show notes for links to his show, the Not So Grand Jury podcast, and more information on the American Atheist Convention in Minneapolis in April, in case you want to come hang out with with us.

Also, a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash godawful and thereby earn only access to an ad-free version of every episode.

You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Sketch Atheist, Citation Dated, DND Minus, and The Scaffocat, available wherever podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or send them out of suggestions, you can email GodAwfulMovies at gmail.com.

Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slapnick of Vivo Drafts on Mars.

All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Clark, and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a check of your life this week for Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick.

I'm Noelica's promise to work hard to earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the breakfast club close.

Satan, the Prince of Darkness, released a meme coin and paid the $8 trillion the next day.

Eli was awakened by terrible pain and found me standing over him with a pair of tweezers.

And held tightly in those tweezers would be a lock of his nose hair.

I'm coming for you, Eli.

This content is can-credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountability network.org.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

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CAPE is a secure mobile carrier built with privacy as its foundation.

It doesn't collect names, addresses, or personal data, so it can't sell what it never stores.

Use the code CAPE33Off to get the first month of premium nationwide service for just $30 and 33% off the first six months.

Go to CAPE.co.

Privacy starts at the source.