496: The Avenger

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Moment in the Bible.

Tell me more.

Is where they didn't have a meeting with Peter beforehand about we're not resisting.

So the guards come and Jesus is like, now is the time.

And Peter cuts off a guy's ear and is like, yeah.

I got you, Jesus.

So wait, this is the Leroy Jenkins moment of the music.

And the Bible grinds to a halt while Jesus heals the guy's ear and is like, I'm so sorry about this.

And Peter's like, motherfucker!

God-awful

movie.

Movie.

Movies.

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because we haven't yet been acted on by an outside force.

I'm your host, No Illusions, and Heath won't be able to join us today.

But sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend, Eli Bozik.

Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir?

I'm incredible, Noah.

The hits just keep coming.

Just take a moment.

Take a moment to soak in the gratitude that this is episode 496, and we are once again gathered to say, okay, this is the worst thing you've ever fought.

Once again, once again, we have found another contender.

And boy, I'll tell you what, we had to dig a long fucking way to find it.

I talk about the movies on this show the way couples who die holding hands talk about each other

and also joining us this week is triumphantly returning guest masochist and host of the talk nerdy podcast kara santa maria kara welcome back

yeah

so so this movie was so bad that i literally got covet while i was watching it laid open like no lie you guys i had to take a covet test in the middle of watching this movie and it came back positive so wow fun times i think you started this movie and then you ran out to like an anti-vaxxer march somewhere and just started started grinding on people oh i must have called up rfk jr this is my guess because i'm you know i'm obviously vaccinated like ultra vaccinated i have the variant vaxes and everything my guess is that i was exposed to covet at some point and it wasn't getting its way into my immune system and then as i was watching this movie my immune system gave up yes it gave up it's like what's the point of keeping you alive if you're going to keep doing shit like this?

Yeah.

Exactly.

Shut it down, boys.

Shut it down.

All right.

So tell us, Kara, what will we be breaking down today?

Okay.

I think it's called the Avenger, maybe.

It's an Easter service.

Maybe we're just watching the Church of the Rock at some point.

It's a full-on sermon.

I'm not really sure what it is.

Yeah.

Yeah, I feel like the right answer shifts as we go.

It sure does.

And Eli, how bad was this Easter service Church of the Rock full-on sermon?

Well, if you loved watching your niece's elementary school musical, but you wish the principal came out at the end to explain that divorce is a passage of sorts and hasn't limited his options so much as created him as a brand new man.

You

love this movie.

Podcast listener, when I first watched this movie, so I found it on the depths of the internet with, you know, the Epstein tapes or whatever the fuck.

Yeah, this movie was bad enough that Eli had to upload it for.

Like, you would not have been able to find it on our

you can't find this anyway.

This is next to the fucking angles of the Zabruder tape that we're not allowed to see until 2087.

I watched this and I saw at the end, oh, there's a sermon at the end, and a little behind the scenes for you.

I usually avoid things that have sermons at the end because sermons are just boring, right?

We can kind of, you know, make fun of the things they say, but they're just talking.

I watched this sermon and I was like, nope, this one stays.

Thanks, Ela.

You're welcome.

Holy fucking shit.

Yeah.

So what we have here is like, okay, so a bunch of Christians weren't allowed to watch the Avengers because, you know, Thor is blasphemy or whatever.

Fucking Scarlett Johansson wears a tight outfit.

So this is a church cashing in on that by pretending that they wrote those lines, actually.

They sure did.

They sure did.

They were all new to me.

So

that's funny for you guys.

Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

All right.

So is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Best, worst Canadians.

Right.

By far.

I have so much love for my northern neighbors, but this makes me rethink all of those relationships.

Right?

Yes.

My opinion of Canada as a country was lowered by this.

Yeah.

I feel like we're going to find out that like something at this church fell into a chemical vat and that's why Jordan B.

Peterson exists, right?

Like this isn't so.

The founding elements of Jordan B.

Peterson are in this building.

You're right.

All right.

So I was going to go with best worst shit to inflict on Kara, right?

It's like it's, we haven't seen Kara in a while.

So, it's like we were doing like an exponential Kara hate movie because this is yes, yes, you're making up for lost time.

It's a church service, it's like it's bad music, it's bad singing, it's comic book, it's like it's everything that she hates in the world, everything that I know she hates in the world is encapsulated in this stupid fucking movie.

100%, dear listener, if you don't listen to SGU, then you may not understand the depths of my distaste for like all things sci-fi fantasy and comic book.

But this was so painful at every turn.

There was nothing redeeming about this for me.

Right, because so much of it is just like, hey, you guys remember that one scene from that one Marvel movie that came out 11 years ago and was like, it's their third lowest grossing film of all the, you know, whatever.

Like it's all inside jokes and shit.

Yeah.

And I was like, no, no yeah no i don't remember that i have not seen that the only way to make this movie a more direct attack on kara would be to send it as an email to su complaining that she talks too much

Show this to the girl.

Yeah, that's me.

It's just the tone of her voice that bothers me.

That vocal fry, man.

Yeah.

This is the worst thing that happened to Kara this year.

And I'll remind you that she was supposed to be here last month, but furry listeners burned down her town.

Yes, my city was on fire.

And

now I have COVID.

That's right.

This is so much worse than COVID.

Should have been nicer about the furries.

Should have been nicer.

That's all I'm saying.

And of course, I'm going to go with best worst stand-up routine.

There is no doubt in my heart and my mind that this pastor, Mark, whatever the fuck his name is, Hughes, wanted to be.

a stand-up comedian.

Oh, I was wondering what stand-up routine you were referencing.

You were referencing the entire sermon.

His entire sermon.

It makes the blue collar comedy tour look like

lenny bruce's set where he got arrested it is somehow

more irritating than what's the deal with airline food and less interesting than the cat in the hat it's truly astounding it's pretty fucking bad all right well we have been hunting for this thing for almost a decade now so we're gonna keep the break brief and when we come back we'll dive into all the ridiculous bullshit that is

Avenger.

Or the Avenger.

They changed their mind midway through.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

And this is the time Kimberly Pemberton said she'd rather kiss a slug than go to the dance with me.

Yep.

Got it.

Okay.

This is the election.

This is the whole election?

No, it's just the first bag.

Oh, yes.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

That makes sense.

Hey, guys, what you doing?

Oh, hey, Carol.

I was just weighing Noah down with my emotional baggage.

Why are you doing that?

Well, what else am I supposed to do with it?

Well, I mean, you could talk to your therapist.

Who needs a therapist when I've got Noah?

Look how strong he is.

Actually, I'm pretty tired.

I would love to.

See, he's great.

He's great.

Eli, incorporating an actual therapist into your support system is way healthier than saddling family and friends with your baggage.

It is?

I'm so tired.

It is.

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All right, Kara, thanks.

I think I'm going to lie down for a second.

Oh, man, I feel bad that I made Noah pass out.

Save it for your therapist.

Right.

Pastor Mark Hughes, step forward.

Oh, Lord, I cannot tell you how grateful I am to be in your embrace.

Right, sure.

And I'm sure I don't have to tell you about the tens of thousands of souls I saved in your name, Lord.

Yeah, no, you did.

Do that.

Something the matter, Lord?

No, no, nothing.

It's fine.

Enjoy heaven, Mark.

Okay.

Well, thank you, Lord.

Yeah, whatever.

Are you sure there isn't anything?

Seriously, dude, Avengers?

Oh, I knew this was going to come up.

And we're back for the breakdown, and we're going to open up on a church of rock logo and some music that I can only describe as desperately rocking out.

And before we get to our play proper, online pastor Tim Ham welcomes us to the video.

No,

we just watch 45 seconds of a screensaver first.

Oh, well, yeah.

The best church services have a loading screen, Kara.

There's, you know, tips on there for how to do the triple jump.

It's important.

And like, I get it if you're watching this live, but like edit it out for the actual upload.

No reason to have this, especially for like 40 seconds.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, but then Tim Ham comes on to tell us that their services are pretty edgy.

Pretty edgy.

Well, they are called the Church of the Rock.

Yeah, because they rock.

They rock.

Yeah, I get it.

I get it.

He goes, we're doing the Avenger.

The truth is, I am Iron Man.

And I'm like, dude, you're not even fucking manganese, man.

Don't even try.

But he's going to tell us all a boot.

That was the first time I recognized

we were doing Canadians in this one.

He says, this one's all a boot.

And I'm like, oh, nice okay all right we don't i didn't i didn't get it until the next scene that's what i wrote is this a canadian

it's like it's like same same but different right yeah

so we so often so rarely get a chance to make fun of canooks because they're just better people than us right this is going to be nice it's part of what's wonderful about the church of the rock musicals right because if this was some homophobic transphobic american church that also happened to put on silly plays there would sort of be this dark cloud of awfulness that we would also have to address at all times while they were talking.

No, but this is pure.

It's pure fifth grade.

And we get to fully punch up the whole thing.

Yes, exactly terribleness.

Yes.

So, okay, so then the screen blacks out for, I'm going to say, like, eight and a half goddamn minutes while generic suspense music plays, right?

And then they show us, they've like actually ripped off the Marvel logo with all the like comics flipping through it or whatever, And they've used Marvel comic images to do so.

Yeah.

There's a reason why you can't find this thing on YouTube.

Yeah, I did write that.

Why don't they have copyright violations?

I forgot.

You uploaded it for us.

Yeah, they actually did not get in trouble for these for years.

And then they fucked with all the things to get in trouble about their Hamilton parody went viral.

Like people found out about the Hamilton parody and that like the beast of Disney woke up and was like, sorry, they've been doing what?

Oh, yeah, we're going to have to fuck that little church to death.

So it's just everything because they used to have an open Vimeo that you could just go and watch all the previous Easter musicals.

And like people would be on there and be like, this is stupid.

And they'd be like, radical skateboard tricks.

And then, yeah, no.

One of my people from Disney was like, hi, I'm Bloody Schwartzdown here.

Legal.

Can you set your computer on fire while I'm talking to you?

It's going to save us a bunch of time.

Just set it on fire, baby.

So, all right.

So, we're going to open up on a superheroes anonymous meeting.

We've got Captain Canada, Batman and Robin, got a little skinny little Thorlet,

Supper Man, and a lady in a smart blue jacket that's going to turn out to be Pepper Potts later.

And of course, we've got Black Widow talking.

She opens the whole play by going, My name's Natasha.

And, like, are all of these real?

So, like, Captain Canada is making, making, is it's supposed to be Captain America that they're Canadian?

Okay, I'm just making sure because I don't know any of this.

This is the point very early where I realized this is everything I hate.

And this felt very intentional.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And pointed and targeted.

Oh, no, I saved this for you.

I will say the one thing that felt in keeping with a white nationalist church was the abject misogyny that started like 30 seconds in.

Right.

Because here's the thing.

This could be no fun to make fun of, right?

We're not interested in some community church being like, oh, the Lord is a lot like Iron Man if you think about it, right?

But the fact that they open up with hard sexism, hard sex.

I was like, ah, we're home.

And it happens throughout.

Yeah.

Throughout.

They also weirdly all hate each other.

Like there's this, and maybe that's part of the lore.

I don't know, but there's this through line where instead of being like, bro, I'm going to fight you they're literally saying things like you're an idiot like they use all sorts of weird slurs and like they're mean to each other the whole time well so in the in the avengers movie like there's a big part of the movie is the antagonism between all the various heroes but of course in the movie they like give it a reason to exist and stuff, you know, and it's about something.

And do they call each other a lot of names?

Not really.

No.

Yeah, that's, there's so much name calling on this stage.

Well, that's the best part, right?

Is they watched the banter in Avengers and they were like, say mean things.

Yes, right?

That's right.

The Avengers sort of back and forth it, but they're just like, fuck you, Chris.

I did it.

I did it in Avengers.

Or sorry, I should say it's like, fart you, Chris.

No, it's not really.

It would be like flatulence to you, Chris.

But yeah.

Yeah.

I was like vicariously bullied the whole time I was watching it.

I didn't like it.

No, it was rough.

It was rough.

And also, I have to point out that Natasha throughout the movie, I'm sorry, Natasha throughout the whole movie is going to have a gun in either hand.

That's how we know that she's Black Widow.

And at a certain point, she's just plan nine from outer space.

She's scratching itches, right?

She's pulling her pants out of her butt.

Picking things up with it.

Yeah, right.

It was rough.

It was rough.

We watch her eating sushi with it, like chopsticks at a certain point.

So now she's got this monologue that she's opening the movie with, and it's supposed to be...

comedy, right?

She's doing the I've got red and my ledger bit, but she's overdoing it or whatever.

And it's supposed to be funny, but the audience does not know that.

There is the only sound from the audience is a quietly crying baby.

That's the only way

that we know anyone's there.

Yeah, the audience does not engage with this entire play.

Really?

Yeah.

Yes.

Now, I don't want to spoil the rest of the Church of the Rock musicals because we will be watching them at the end of this morning.

But the thing that is, I'm going to say, most magical about the Church of the Rock musicals is it is well known that the people who attend church at church of the rock do not like these right they do not like right church of the rock is a giant 20 000 member church group that's like huge in canada they do not appreciate that this happens every easter but they're part of the cult so they sit in fucking stony silence while once a year pastor mark is like this year i'm a spider spooky spooky skin

And they just,

they have to do it.

Because here's the thing.

If you're allowed to turn to your friends and family and go, I think that guy might be wrong about literally anything.

Yeah.

It's the whole pyramid comes with Tobau Dam.

There's, so there's an incredible essay about this by, oh, I'm for, I'm like, Jenny Nicholson has done an incredible essay on like the cinematic universe of it.

And she focuses a tremendous amount on the audience shots

that are rare.

We didn't get, I don't think there's a single shot.

Only at the end did they like pan the camera and you catch them a little bit.

Yeah, but there is one where they did like a full pan and you see that everyone is dressed in their Easter best.

Fucking, I think it's like Beauty and the Beast.

They're just fucking hating.

They're hating it as much as anyone, any other devout religious person would hate this experience.

And it makes it so much better.

Yeah.

So Black Widow finishes her monologue and then we go immediately to the name that Kara was talking about, right?

Captain America or Captain Canook is arguing with Thor, and they get into a fight.

And this is, they're so dumb.

They do the whole, like, what's that over there trick?

Like, Thor does the what's that over there trick to Captain America, but there is something over there, right?

They, there is the villain, the villain is actually walking in.

So, and that villain, of course, would be Loki.

He comes in and he starts talking, and I'm like, oh, good, he's doing a British accent for him.

He sure is, baby.

Lucky us.

Also, I know it's just a tiny moment, but I do have to talk about it.

At one point, Thor says, we have no qual with you, brother.

Qual?

Yep.

So I think what was written in his script was qualm.

Quarrel is the line from the movie.

Yeah, or quarrel.

Yeah, that could have been it, too.

But qual is what God said.

And I can promise you one thing about this movie.

No second takes.

No, no, no second takes.

This is the point in my notes where I wrote that I am watching this at like midnight and I just tested positive for COVID and took a bunch of cough medicine.

So this is extra weird right now.

Yeah, right.

Oh, yeah.

This is, this is the shit you want to hit at the same time as hydrocoding.

Oh, yeah.

I'm also realizing that I don't know any of the lore.

So I do not understand any of the references and I don't know who any of the characters are.

This has to make so little sense to you because, okay, so then they start doing,

they're just directly lifting lines from the movie, which they'll do several times.

And they're also the worst lines in the whole fucking movie.

They're doing the Loki Neil Before Me scene, right?

But they're also mixing it with weird music.

Did they do this in the movie?

Are they playing a lot of Ozzy Osborne in the background in the actual movie?

Okay, making sure.

No, I have a whole fan theory about one particular guitarist who I'm going to get to later in the film.

And I think he's why we hear a lot of the rock music.

But I do want to talk about the differences between the Avengers and the Savengers ripoff because it's so telling that they don't understand it, right?

So, in the movie, The Avengers, Kara, I apologize for telling you about the Avengers.

No, I need to know.

I'm very confused.

I know this was on your Will Won't Want list.

You're firmly under what was Eli described the plot of The Avengers.

In The Avengers, Loki has a magic stick.

He makes everybody kneel.

And the person who stands up to Loki is a very obviously Jewish-coded man who says, There are always men like you.

You're talking about a handmark.

Okay?

What happens in this church musical is that Thor goes, what is your deal?

Yes.

I think you might have missed what that scene was about.

So, okay.

And now possibly the best thing in the entire fucking movie has happened because Iron Man has to come to the rescue, right?

Yeah.

I believe this.

And they've got the guy playing Iron Man.

They're lowering him on some little fucking crane thing.

And it is so hilariously, impossibly, indescribably slow.

Like, end off kilter with where they've got the video for his little

guy behind him has the little hand jets, but like immediately the two things are not aligned up anymore.

So, you're just like, is he farting that?

What's going on here?

Podcast listener, again, I hope you find this on the deep web the way that I did.

But if you have not seen this, just picture what the perfect comedian would find it as,

And that's what it is.

It's so slow.

It's so slow that it stops being funny, but has time to start being funny.

Yes, it comes around.

It comes around.

That's so rare.

I was weeping.

Yeah.

I was weeping.

I have to admit, there were a couple of times in this where I was like, I get it.

Yeah.

I get it, you guys.

Right, right.

So, okay, so, but he finally, finally gets, and remember, he's supposed to be riding to the rescue here, but three minutes later, he fucking lands.

And then the Pepper Pots lady comes over and they have like an attempt at stealing some lines from the Iron Man movies that make no fucking sense.

But eventually it leads to this very clumsy, I still need to be unhooked from the fucking thing that lowered me moment.

Oh my God, it's incredible.

I felt like he went off script and was just like, you have to unhook me from the thing.

You have to unhook me.

Also, the reason why the lines are awkward is that in Iron Man, for those unaware, and again, Kara, I am aware that I owe you another $100.

Okay, keep on track on my end.

I'll take it.

In Iron Man, there is romantic tension between Iron Man and Pepper Potts because they are the same age.

They are both attractive movie stars, right?

We get it.

Their Iron Man is like the gym teacher of their softball league and 100%

their choir teacher.

I cannot promise you much in the world, but I can promise you the woman who plays this choir

is their like choir instructor.

100%.

But can you guys help me understand who Miss Potts is in the universe?

Yeah, so Pepper Potts started off as Iron Man's assistant, like a professional assistant, and became his love interest and eventually his wife.

She is Gwyneth Paltrow.

Okay.

And then he married her.

So this woman is supposed to be Gwyneth Paltrow?

Yes.

This is their Gwyneth Paltrow.

Yes, it is.

Well, right.

And that's what, so Eli kind of stumbled over his words here, but the contrast here is insane because that woman is like 50 years old, right?

And the Iron Man.

She's wearing a very smart pantsuit.

Yeah, right, right, exactly.

And the whole like natural sexual tension thing doesn't really work out because this woman looks like this guy's mom.

It's just, it's kind of, it's kind of weird.

Whoa, there's supposed to be sexual tension?

Yes.

I think so.

Yeah, that was completely lost on me.

Well, if it's supposed to be Iron Man and Pepper Paz.

And then again, the lines don't make sense without it, right?

When he's asking, like, how small are your hands or whatever?

It doesn't, yeah.

Doesn't come off the same way.

Oh, yeah.

It was completely lost.

By the way, for those of you who are wondering why Heath isn't on this week's episode, he actually was was until this point.

And when we said there wasn't sexual attention, he stormed off of the home.

I don't know when he's coming back to the show.

It was a pretty ugly fight.

We'll let you know.

So now finally, Iron Man's loosened from his lowering thing, and he can go confront Loki's.

They steal more lines from the movie.

This is where we get the first.

genuine laugh from the audience when he says, you know, does mother knowest that thy wear her drapes or whatever it is?

Stolen from Avengers.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, and the audience genuinely laughs.

You can hear one guy in the audience at that point say very audibly, I that

Now, I will point out they at one point steal the wrong line, which is really funny.

So I note that you both noticed it in your lines where he says, I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like the bellboy from the Holiday in Express.

And then you all wrote some variation of what?

And that's because

in the scene where Loki has that conversation, he's wearing a red jacket that buttons across him.

It does, in fact, make sense in the Avengers.

It does not, in fact, make sense in this Easter musical because they bought the one spirit Halloween costume for the actor who plays Loki.

Yeah.

I feel like this is the point where I'm starting to recognize that anytime I don't really understand something, it was probably lifted from the film.

But then later I realized, no, just nothing makes sense.

Right.

Even if you know the films, it doesn't make any sense.

Yeah.

There is a great moment, though, where they can't quite use the line because he's giving the whole like, if we can't protect the earth monologue at this point, he says if we can't protect the earth you can be blessed sure will offend you because they can't say damn

can't say damn that's what he wants he does use the word recompense recompense yes uh-huh i was kind of impressed by well again he stole that one from the that's that's a movie oh he stole it from the movie okay okay and the movie is actually very well written so you know as comic book movies go but now oh and you you think you're thinking to yourself well surely it can't get worse than this and then

then in all caps i wrote omg are they going to sing

it's a musical

so locally how it's it's sort of a musical because sometimes they just lip sync and dance yeah yeah here's the best i could i really spent some time podcast listener on trying to come up with a metaphor for you and what i can do is this you ever Like there's a family event and everyone has decided they're planning a song and there's one aunt who can't sing, but then she stands up and sort of talks to the rhythm

of what everyone else did for grandma's 100th birthday, right?

And everyone applauds real loud for her.

It's like that, but that's everyone in the musical all the time.

Plus, there are 11-year-old children doing very basic cartwheels behind them for some reason.

So, yeah, all right.

So, yeah, so we get these.

First of all, there are giant subtitles for some reason over this song and only this song, right?

Or

they do it once again at the very end.

They've got giant subtitles.

The subtitles guy wakes up towards the end.

Yeah.

And look, if this actor was improvising this song, the rhymes would be shit.

I could have written down all of them, but here's the worst one.

He goes, this scepter I'm holding will destroy the earth you're knowing.

Think about what a tortured construction of a sentence that is to get to that shitty ass half-ass rhyme.

Yeah.

Jesus.

I didn't even recognize until like a full verse in that this this was Call Me Maybe.

I never figured that out.

I noticed that in your notes and I was like, was it?

Oh, oh, and the whole time he was like rap rocking call me maybe,

there's somebody in the background just going like,

yes, yes, you can hear somebody sort of singing along that doesn't know the lyrics like the fact that it's like completely out of tune.

Well, what happened is

he's so out of tune that it's very clearly like choir director being like, it's okay, I'll like kind of sing behind you.

Huh?

I just met you.

And he's like, hello, I just met you.

It's like so painful.

Also, they do all the verses, which is

lucky us.

And the backup dancers appear to be under duress the entire time.

We got to talk about the backup dancers.

So we've got all of the other superhero characters who are just sort of standing around and they've been given nothing to do but sort of sway.

And at one point, it's at 10 minutes and 35 seconds in the video, if you can find it, the guy playing Thor is trying to do the bet you can't pick up my hammer thing to the actor playing Robin.

But the actor playing Robin is all like, dude, I am not bending over for this stupid fucking play.

And so he just doesn't do it.

And Thor gets like visibly mad.

Rick, we said in rehearsal it was a good thing.

We could watch this thing like five times and just focus on each character and it would be a totally different movie.

Yes.

Because this is also where we meet my favorite character, which is backup dancer who can't do a cartwheel.

What does she have?

The Spirit of the Lord.

That's what she has.

So when everyone else does a cartwheel, she, who is two rows back, just moves her arms in a circular motion like she was doing the beginning of a cartwheel and then scooches over a bit.

Okay, I think you're getting ahead of us because I've got so many notes on the cartwheels.

I think that's in a later song, though.

Is that later?

Is that later?

Yeah.

I feel like it's omnipresent.

That's really yeah it gets burned in well no this is where we meet those backup dancers though those those two very enthusiastic backup dancers and the sister that mom said they had it had to come along with they had to include yeah no everyone gets into the church color card whatever it is what are they wearing what are their costumes i don't know they are they are dressed like the putty patrol from power rangers

was confusing they're in like gray muscle man costumes right okay i had no idea what the buck that was Okay, so okay, so so Loki leaves and Iron Man has to chat with the crew now.

Now, the star of this scene clearly is Screeching Baby.

The baby really takes it up a notch.

Screeching Baby is all of us in this moment.

Screeching Baby is basically saying, this doesn't make sense and is sacrilegious.

It's so much fun.

That atheist baby is offended.

For sure.

He has yet to be fully indoctrinated.

Right.

But so what we're doing now is that Iron Man is doing the Jesus Fishers of Men scene with the other superheroes.

Oh, really?

But it's like mad libs with superheroes.

Right.

Right.

It's like you took the Fishers of Men speech from the Bible and then you inserted words like Superman and Batman and Age of Ultron.

Right.

You know, I wrote my notes and not for the last time here.

They're honestly not taking the Jesus source material any more seriously than the Marvel stuff.

No, right, right.

It's just mixed together in a bag.

Yeah, I would argue that they are taking the Jesus stuff way less seriously.

Ultimately, yes, absolutely.

Oh, they also do some more misogyny here.

They offend, I can't remember who says it.

Is it Iron Man?

Is it Loki?

I don't remember, but call the woman in the leather jacket who is who again?

That's Black Widow, yeah.

They call Black Widow Natasha, the only real man there.

And that's somehow supposed to, somehow he offends everybody in that sentence.

Yeah.

It's so weird because Iron Man is the Jesus character in this, and they're making him a completely fucking douchebag.

Right.

Jesus wasn't mean.

Well, what's funny is they also keep having him do the I am Iron Man thing.

Yeah, what is that?

I thought it was so weird because it's like, it's like a dad who only knows that Batman says, I am Batman.

But what I realized is they're trying to do Jesus constantly saying, I am the Lord, God, right?

I am the Alpha Omega, which Jesus does all the time.

And it would be, when said out loud, as awkward and off-putting as saying, I am Iron Man at the beginning of every scene is.

But by switching the line out, they prove how weird it is to just announce your title every scene.

Makes no sense.

He's like a Pokemon.

So, but ultimately, he shuffles off all the DC superheroes and just keeps the Marvel ones.

Wait, wait, which or which?

Tell me, tell me.

I'm learning.

So, Superman, Batman, and Robin, they all have to go.

Those are DC properties.

Oh, and so they don't come back until the very end.

Yeah, they don't come back till the curtain call.

Yeah.

But why did Batman sound like RFK Jr.?

Because Batman sounds like RFK Jr.

That's part of the lore.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, no problem.

I can help you out with it.

I win it so much.

There are not many times when I'm an expert in the thing, Jeremy.

You hit on one of them with this one.

So, all right.

So then Captain Canada comes up to ask how much he's going to get paid to be an Avenger.

And they're doing this because they want a shoehorn in a song, but I really wanted that to be Peter's first question, too.

You know, how much does a disciple make after taxes?

When you say fish, like get it from the mouth of avengers.

All right, that's weird.

That is a weird way to get our money for Caesar.

There's also a weird moment where he, like, Iron Man does a Jesus quote here, but he just substitutes in the word Playboy Mansion at one point for one of the phrases as a means of slut-shaming black widow.

And I'm like, this is your religion, people.

Like, I wouldn't probably do that in a room full of Christians.

No, I wouldn't do any.

We create Bible Peace Theater once a month.

And I think if we had created this ripoff, we would have been like, it's a little insensitive to the story.

Don't you think?

I think we can just.

We could tell it and give our thoughts.

So, okay, so, but all of this was set up so that Captain Canada could sing us this song about having bills to pay.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

What is, yeah?

Has nothing to do with anything.

This is just his go-to karaoke song, apparently.

And he was like, look, I'll do it, but I get to sing work, work, work at some point.

So then that wraps up.

We get this polite, at least it's over, applause at the end of it.

Oh, yeah.

The anemic applause this whole time is giving me life.

Right?

Like, yeah.

It was nice to know that no one was having any more fun with this than we we were of course yeah camaraderie except for except for the lady playing pepper pots she was lovely oh yeah she was dead moments of her life she is best moments of her life the karaoke queen avengers easter play her wedding day the day her children were born the day she died so okay count them so then we we cut to iron man doing some computer stuff and nick fury shows up and It's this little kid, and I'm sure that's because this is the only black person that any of them know is this 11-year-old kid.

Oh, okay.

It's the only black person in Canada.

Yeah, they found the black.

It's played by Samuel L.

Jackson in the film.

Yeah.

But he's 12 on the stage.

Yes.

And by far the best actor in this entire goddamn play, right?

Yeah, I mean, I don't know if he actually has talent, but he is giving a thousand percent and I'm here for it.

Yes, he's giving it his all.

And it's also very clear that he has been given instruction to do a Samuel L.

Jackson impersonation, and he is ignoring that instruction.

So help me understand this whole interaction because because from what I gathered, he's an insurance agent there to collect premiums.

Like I was very confused by what was happening here.

So look, in your defense, nothing this kid said ever made sense at all, whether or not you know everything there is to know about the Nick Feary character.

I don't know what the hell the kid was talking about.

Did you figure that out, Eli?

No fucking chance, man.

I feel like a lot of it was inside jokes about like that part of Manitoba or wherever the fuck they are, or something, or

in like Mad Lib of a Mad Lib situation, right?

Like they substituted a bunch of the words, but then they had to substitute even more words last minute.

And so we just, we just lost all sense of the script.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But eventually he leaves and Pepper Potts comes in and it's time for her to sing us her first song.

She's going to sing Heartbreaker and she's going to fucking rock it.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

She is.

She is.

Wow.

This is the only part of this that was not fun

because what is undoubtedly true is that this mom of three

choir director had talent.

Yes.

At some point, yep.

And patriarchy squished it.

They squished it into the confines of pepper pots in this church Easter play.

And we're watching just the tiny

teeniest, tiniest moment of freedom for for her before she goes back to the jail cell that is her life.

Oh God.

And it is, in point of fact, a heartbreaker, the song she sings.

Dude, you ruined it for me because this was the only part that I really enjoyed.

Yeah.

I also enjoyed it.

I wrote in my notes, if the rest of this movie was just her doing karaoke, I'd be thrilled by that.

And if she had pulled a gun out of her waistband and shot her husband in the chest,

kissed a female band member on the mouth with tongue and then walked off into the distance.

It'd be my fault.

But I know how this story ends, and it's with a fourth pregnancy.

So fucking sad, man.

All right.

Well, now Eli's got me all depressed, so we need another.

But we'll be back in a minute with even more of the Avenger.

What about keto?

Do you think I could do keto?

Eli, I'm not keto.

Oh, you're like super keto?

One of those, like, it's raw.

Hey guys,

what's going on?

Eli's asking me for, I don't know, health advice, I think.

He keeps yelling, where are the cubes?

Matt Damon has cubes, I've heard.

Eli, if you want to eat well without breaking the bank, why don't you just try factor?

What's Factor?

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Oh, like Eli dressing up as my twin sister at Thanksgiving so we could hang out.

Exactly like that.

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I don't know, Noah.

Have you actually tried it?

I sure have.

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All right, I'm sold.

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That's code factor podcast at factormeals.com/slash factor podcast to get 50% off plus free shipping on your your first box.

All right, thanks.

Eli, you gonna give up about the cubes now?

Fine, fine.

Still don't know how your parents figured it out so fast.

Yeah, man, I don't have a twin sister.

Ah, that's it.

There it is.

All right, everybody.

I'm pleased to say the Avengers have assembled.

Black Widow.

Reporting for duty.

Hawkeye.

I'm here.

The Hulk, Thor, Captain America, and myself.

And of course, Brian.

Hi.

Hi, everybody.

Sorry.

Why is he here?

Oh, I just wanted to help.

You know,

doing my part.

But you don't have any superpowers.

So?

Neither do you.

I am a highly trained spy.

Yeah, but like, if we were fighting humans, I'd agree that...

that would be useful.

But since both you and I are comparing ourselves to the incredible Hulk right here, kind of seems like

it shouldn't be a problem.

You know what I'm saying?

Come on, man.

Do you even have any skills?

Oh, you mean like a bow and arrow?

Yeah, I have a gun.

So, you know, already better than you.

I could also do tricks.

Tricks.

Got it.

Look, look, look, this isn't about comparing ourselves here.

It's just that we're superheroes and you aren't, okay?

Okay.

Can I borrow your suit then?

Because I feel like I'd be a superhero if I was allowed to wear your suit.

No, it's my suit and I'm the only one who can use it.

Are you?

No, my wife has one too.

Okay.

Hey, folks, cutting in with a quick apology.

For reasons that we still have not been able to determine, my track for this next section of the show was severely corrupted.

Our audio wizard, Morgan Clark, did the best possible job of tidying it up so it wasn't a complete loss, but for the next 20 minutes or so, my audio is going to be shit.

Sorry about that.

It will get better again later, I promise.

And we're back for more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the action with Iron Jesus, Captain Canada, their little Thorlet and Natasha marching into battle or whatever.

And they,

okay, so there's this, all these moments where they're trying to like substitute in the church equivalent to the thing they say in the movie.

And every time it's more insane than the last, right?

Because this is where he's like, look, we can bust delinquent church members all we want.

Wait, so your Avengers walk around punishing apostasy?

What the fuck, man?

Yep.

Seems like you guys are late late for church.

Are you the god of thunder?

Pastor Mark has something really cool this week.

Also, go check it out.

They use, they fucking lift the he's adopted line at this point from Avengers, a line which the writers apologize for.

It's like the least funny thing in the whole fucking movie.

Right.

And they also, they screw it up, right?

So here's the line in the movie, again.

Kara with with apologies.

You know, they say, oh, you know, Loki is evil and he's twisted.

And Thor says, hey, that's my brother you're talking about.

And Black Widow says, well, you know, he's killed 80 people in the last two days.

And he goes, he's adopted.

Yeah, I didn't get it.

Help me understand this.

Well, right.

So in the movie, it's as if to say, well, he's not that much my brother.

You know, it's as if he's backing away from it.

Because you know how adopted people aren't really people.

Yeah, that's

after

the movie.

It is.

There was a lot of controversy about that line when the movie came out.

And like,

the Marvel came out and apologized for it and everything.

And they're like, yeah, that was actually pretty, pretty thoughtless as a line.

And, and after all of that, after that controversy, this stupid fucking church is like, you know what, what was really funny is when they made fun of adopted people.

Yep.

Are we not allowed to roast adopted people anymore?

Because I got a bunch of Dopdo jokes with this.

No, you have an adopted sister.

It's okay.

It's okay if you do.

No, I'm not.

I'm using that N-word.

You're okay.

Exactly.

Yes.

I have a ton of adopted siblings, and I am offended, but I myself am not adopted.

Oh, well,

then you can.

You can't say it.

I can't say it.

No.

I can't say Dopto.

Well, you say Dopto, but yeah.

Okay.

So, but also they buck up the line, too, because like in the movie, Natasha says, well, he's killed 80 people in the last two days.

But in this movie, she says, well, you know, he's killed millions of people.

I'm like, God, what did their Loki do?

But of course, their Loki is supposed to be Lucifer.

So I guess that's what she's referencing.

Of course,

it was God that killed all the people.

Lucifer doesn't kill anybody in that fucking book.

Okay.

But then the guitarist that Eli loves so much comes out.

Oh, yeah.

And he starts playing an almost but not quite at speed version of Thunderstruck.

This guy,

I love him.

There's something here.

There's a renouncing homosexuality or something.

There's just a, he's just a little too good at guitar to have not tasted freedom for at least a second.

Okay, but he's not so good at guitar that he can play Thunderstruck at the speed that the goddamn drum.

So throughout this movie,

we will listen to him fall progressively further and further behind both the lyrics and the drum track to Thunderstruck.

And I love it so goddamn much.

Yeah, you got to get those in your monitors, man.

I know they're annoying at first, but they're so important.

So important.

You got to hear the click.

Yep, yeah, I know.

If you can't hear them, so yeah, and then so Iron Man is going to sing this, and he sounds like, so again, we just heard a genuinely talented person sing a song right before this, right?

And I

sounds like the guy who's been trying to talk somebody into trying to talk him into doing karaoke all night,

right?

I don't think I want to do it.

He's that guy.

It's so fucking bad.

And as if to make him look better by comparison, this is where we get the fucking cartwheels.

Yeah.

God, I love those cartwheels.

Oh, yeah.

We all wrote about the cartwheels.

I mean, I only wrote the word cartwheels because I think that in passing.

I think I want to say something from my heart.

I think I would do a cartwheel as good as these cartwheels if I tried to do a cartwheel right now.

Okay, so here's the thing that happens, right?

So girl one comes in and she does a pretty mediocre cartwheel.

The other two come in right behind her and both simultaneously do the no-handed cartwheel thing, which is really very impressive.

Or I mean, to me, it's very impressive.

It is.

I can't do an Ariel.

So, but they fuck it all up because the one that we can see clearly is the mediocre cartwheel that Eli could do.

And then by the time you get to the real, the talented bit, we're all just going like, what the fuck was that?

And we can barely even see it.

So, Simone Biles is in the back being blocked by a piece of set.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, exactly.

Also, we should point out that guitar guy, they wanted him wearing a mask so as to like kind of fit in with the theme of the whole thing, but he has to see his hands to play the guitar.

Oh, yeah.

So he's just got the mask flipped up.

So why have it?

What would purpose?

Not the best look.

Not the best look.

So, all right.

So we listen to that whole fucking song.

That ends, and Loki shows back up.

He's not wearing the horns this time.

I thought they'd broken him backstage, but they come back later.

So, oh no, he, yeah, he takes off the.

I remember that because that's when we see his full-on alt-right haircut.

Yeah,

it's not good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, and this is where, like, they're again going to steal some lines from the movie.

They call themselves a prayer support team of America's mightiest heroes.

Again, all of their mad lib substitutions are insane and just underscore what a pathetic thing their church really is.

Just Carol and Kelly elbowing each other.

That's us.

We're the prayer support team.

For those of you not born inside a terrible cult, prayer support teams are a phone chain that churches do instead of helping people.

It is literally, it is the state, it's the work from home version of helping people.

Yeah.

And they're trying now to do the, you know, I have an army, you know, let's do the roll call line from the Avengers.

And of course, this famously ends with an I Have a Hulk, but they don't have anybody playing Hulk.

So instead, they have this terrible, they have a CGI Hulk that Aang Li would be embarrassed at that stomps through behind them.

Yeah, it's a PS1 level graphics back there.

Yeah.

So, okay.

so then

the intro to led zeppelin's immigrant song comes on and we're all just die inside a little bit hell yeah yeah it's so sad i mean at first the zep one

at first i was like if they sing this song but then luckily luckily they just play the actual song as it is yeah yeah and and they're gonna do some fight choreography well well this play is just kidding

yeah this was so weird eli did you like have to take any medicine or look away during the thing with the flashing lights?

No, this is how I wanted to go.

This is how I wanted to go.

I pressed my eye

on the screen euthanasia roller coaster for Eli.

Yeah.

No, this is this is my Haley Joel Osmond bikes into a bunch of bees moment.

Yeah, so wrong wrong kid.

But yeah.

So what they do here is that they, they'll, they're doing like the lights will black out and then come back up for a second.

Each time they'll be at some other point in the fight, or at least that's like what they're going for.

They're not very good at it.

So so in every single instance like at least two of the people are still getting into position when the lights come back up this is this is a runner-up freeze tag is what we're watching right now

it's so bad but it also it goes on for like nine fucking years oh my god

so painful and stupid and you can't make sense of what you're seeing each time it like flashes on you're like okay now they're all laying in a slightly different position right no if this was like a like the the prelude to an orgy it would make just as much sense.

Yeah.

But at the end, the Avengers all lost and Loki and his team won, right?

We see them walking away.

So the lights come back on and they all pick themselves up off the stage and they spend about, I'm going to say a minute and a half, minute and 45 seconds making Schwarma jokes.

Yep.

I love the thought of Kara's experience here, assuming that she has no fucking clue what they're talking about, Schwarma.

Yeah.

And can I say, I would like to not share it with her.

I would like Kara to go the rest of her life and just, you know, she's in the middle of a shower six years from now.

And she's like, wait, why are they having Schwarma?

No, yeah.

I still don't know.

I wrote.

I'm assuming that the Schwarma references mean something because you guys wrote that Kara is probably really confused.

We did.

So they get done with that.

Then we get some,

they directly steal some footage from Thor of the Bifrost opening up.

And then we get Odin.

Odin, in their estimation, is the midway point between Super Mario and Dr.

Robotnik with an accent like he's trying to pick a fight with Cecil.

Okay, so what's happened here is Odin is played by Pastor Mark, who is the head of this church.

And if anyone had the ability to give feedback to Pastor Mark, none of this would be happening, right?

I think we can all agree that.

So he showed up the first day and he was like, hello, it's me, Odin.

And everyone was like, that's okay.

Odin is Norse.

That's not how.

Hi, Odin.

How's it going?

Wait,

this whole thing was so confusing.

Like, somehow it was so racist.

Yeah.

How did they make it so racist?

Yeah.

Against the wrong race.

Like, if you think of the Italian, if it was racist against Norwegians or something, I would understand it.

Yeah, it's like they tried to do the accent and they were like, I can't pull it off.

What do we do?

Right, right.

Yeah.

And he's just here, I guess, to warn Iron Man that the plot we've already established is happening is happening.

Yeah.

A scene that is not in The Avengers, by the way.

Oh, really?

Okay.

Nope.

This is a whole cloth.

I guess they just had to find a spot for Pastor Hughes to do his Mario voice.

So then he goes to the Schwarma restaurant to check in on the gang, and he does the whole, like, this is the Last Supper moment, right?

Where he's telling them, you know, one of you will betray me.

But no one betrays him.

Not in this one.

No, there's no Judas.

Yeah.

So

it's a really weird scene then.

Well, also, it's the most obvious, like, the audience is not enjoying this moment as well, because there's actually a kind of funny line here because they have Iron Jesus do his whole, like, I will be mocked and tortured and killed, and three days later, I will rise.

And Captain Canada stands up and he goes, hold on a second.

That's the worst plan ever.

That's actually a funny line.

Unless, of course, your entire religion is built on the reverence of all

the goddamn moments.

I'm getting like I'm so enlightened right now because as I was watching I know I had no idea what was going on I still didn't understand the plot and I was just hung up on the fact that they were fake eating they were pantomiming

they were pantomiming

not no all the money went into the muscle suits for all of the guys in the

I don't think anyone in that province knows what Schwarma is let alone in this play

now I caught a reference here that I think I like imagined, right?

You know how, like, people walking through the desert imagine like water bodies and stuff like that.

So, when Loki shows up, they come up and they knock off one of his horns.

I imagine that to be a Peter reference, but I think that's too clever for something this church group could have thought of.

It's absolutely because

later, Iron Jesus restores it.

That is absolutely what they were going for.

And let's give them credit.

That was genuinely fucking clever.

That's the only time they were ever clever in this entire fucking movie.

So I'll give it to him.

Karen, that's my favorite moment in the whole Bible.

Do you know that moment in the Bible?

Tell me more.

Is where they didn't have a meeting with Peter beforehand about we're not resisting.

So the guards come and Jesus is like, now is the time.

And Peter cuts off a guy's ear and is like, yeah.

I got you, Jesus.

So wait, this is the, this is the Leroy Jenkins moment of the time.

And the Bible

grinds to a halt while Jesus heals the guy's ear and is like, I'm so sorry about this.

And Peter's like, motherfucker.

They're all like, oh, fuck.

It's the best.

And it's in history forever.

I'm not going to hell because I'll get to the gates of heaven and he'll be like, you jerked off on all those graves.

And I'll be like, yeah, you cut off that guy's ear, though.

And he'll be like, oh, all right, you got me.

In you go.

Like, I've got him.

I've got him.

So, okay.

Now it is time

to crucify jesus so

what okay

the whole like i knew they were going to crucify iron man in this the whole reason we're watching this is because of the viral the the meme of of this image from the play where the where the where they're crucifying jesus but literally nothing could have prepared me for them actually goddamn doing it right and also In my defense, when you see the picture in the meme, you don't realize that they're doing it to a minor key medley of pop tunes.

They sure are, baby.

They sure are.

To it's the end of the world.

Uh-huh.

And,

oh, what's the other one?

When I get knocked down, yeah.

When I get knocked down.

So is it really a medley if it's just two songs?

No, no, no.

At a certain point, it's just they couldn't decide on which of the two songs they were going to sing.

No, yeah.

It's just a really bad mashup.

Yeah.

That's what they're trying to do.

Yeah.

And it's not good.

And they're singing it.

They're actually singing it.

Oh, yeah.

For a while.

Like during the crucifixion, he's up there being like, it's the end of the world.

Yeah.

it's so weird yep they do give him like the scepter to the side as they as they pull him up there so you get it

they they know all of the wounds and then okay so now he's crucified and pepper potts is going to sing i'll be there to us what why why because she said she gets too soft she gets too

because they were in rehearsal and she sang heartbreaker and she felt alive for the first time in her entire life and she was like can i please do that again?

Can I please do that again?

I would like to sing another song, please.

And we're like, okay.

And she does sing another song.

In its entirety.

In its entirety.

Fully earnestly.

Oh, yeah.

And he is in so much pain.

He's so obvious

because even

the uncomfortable form of crucifixion is wildly uncomfortable.

Yeah, like his arms are out to the side and he's mostly just holding them up himself and he's not very strong.

I have placed a photograph of his face.

I took a little screenshot.

It's in our notes.

And it just gets worse and worse the whole time.

It's like he also has to shit.

But there's also, like, there's also a very fuck you for singing so much better than me, Judy, look to us.

Like, right?

There was like his very

genuinely, podcast listener.

If you're not a patron, I'll make sure Tim comes and steals this and puts it on the Patreon for those who deserve it.

But if you're not a patron and you're wondering what you should be picturing, genuinely, Grumpy Cat.

His face

identical to Grumpy Cat.

You're right.

Holy shit.

And then he dies with a.

Listen,

you could only describe it as sarcastic.

It's just hilarious.

The only reason all of his fucking feet and like his legs and arms don't go straight up in the air is because he's crucified.

Yeah.

It's amazing.

I bet he shat himself in the first couple of rehearsals for realism and they were like, no, Greg.

So we hear the earth rumble as they get Iron Jesus off the cross.

That takes a while.

We also get our best worst.

I almost went with best worst song intro.

So he's come off the cross.

Oh, God.

And she's taking him off and she goes, I can't get his foot loose.

What is this?

Because then they play foot loose.

That's the intro to the song Foot Loose.

So people, this is what genuinely happens in this honest to God church that is not just a thing that we've made up to fuck with you for April Fool's Day.

They get Jesus off the fucking cross and he sits up and he goes, actually, I'm fine.

And they all sing Footloose.

And they all sing Footloose.

What is that?

I can't, again, like, if an atheist group did this, I'd be like, not okay, everybody.

Like, you know, look,

let's do, let's have fun.

But if they did this in front of Christians, I'd be like, this is a little far.

Yes.

Also, I just have to point out that the subtitles guy woke up during Footloose.

Yep, yeah.

So he was like,

but why?

That's the thing.

They just sing Footloose.

Well, Well, I think they changed like two of the lyrics in there somewhere.

But yes,

honestly, I don't know the lyrics of the Floosloo.

No, it's not clever.

No, it's definitely not clever.

Watching these full-grown adults do the hand jive to Footloose

gave big, I don't want to be around anymore.gif vibes.

Like real.

There's a real, everyone was on a watch.

The prayer chain was doing a lot of work.

So also, like, this is, they're doing the passion play, right?

they're leaving out the whole part where jesus goes to the tomb and then rises three days later like they get him off the cross they sing foot loose and that's it we're done i'm like who the hell is ministering to the sinners in hell dude swarma needed a swarma scene

so yeah no they they all take their bows they do their curtain calls at this point yeah i can't believe they do a curtain call like it doesn't it's not necessary and pepper didn't even get her own bow she should have gotten it very sad yeah She should have got it.

But I get excited at this point.

I'm like, oh, good.

It's over.

Right.

And then I look, I look, and it's only scrubbed halfway through.

Yes?

Halfway?

Yeah, I know.

I wrote my notes.

I'm like, they're taking their mouths.

What the fuck, guys?

We've got a lot of show left to do.

Yeah.

Half of the show is left after this.

Yeah.

To be fair, I press that little forward 10 seconds a lot from here on up.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

Well, I'll tell you what.

That's over, and we've still got a third of the show and a third of the video left to break down.

So let me give act three of a two-act play the hard sell somehow, I guess.

What

will we talk about?

Will Kara have any interesting anecdotes to fill the time?

Have either of you guys been watching season three of Reacher?

Find out the answers to something, I'm sure, when we return for the holy shit, it's just a goddamn sermon now conclusion of the adventure.

Dude, just look at the video.

I have to call 911, Eli.

They're going to hang up on you again.

They've blocked our numbers.

Hey, guys, what is with the pre-ad shenanigans?

Eli won't stop showing me his gains.

His gains?

My gains, Kara.

Honestly, you're not ready.

I'm sure I'm not.

So this feels like an odd question, but why is he showing you his gains?

Well, because I recommended Fitbod.

What's Fitbod?

Fitbod is a fitness app that customizes every workout and adapts as you improve to avoid boredom and plateaus on your journey.

That sounds great, but have you actually tried it?

I sure have.

I love that Fitbod works with the equipment I have on hand so I can get a workout whether I'm in a hotel room or a fully stocked gym.

Okay, so next you're going to tell me that people can get 25% off or something?

As a matter of fact, they can.

Level up your workout.

Join Fitbod today to get your personalized workout plan.

Get 25% off your subscription or try the app for free for seven days at fitbod.me slash gam.

That's F-I-T-B-O-D.

M-E slash GAM.

Thanks.

Now, what are these gains you're talking about anyway, Eli?

Okay, so Kara, you know how the body has a surprising amount of medically defined sphincters?

You know what?

Forget I asked.

Yeah, that's what I said.

That's what I said.

Hey, Pastor,

do you have a second?

Chris, absolutely.

What's up, dude?

You could just...

You know what?

Sorry.

I wanted to talk to you about your sermon this week.

Oh, you're talking about Jesus has the Reeses?

Yep.

That is what...

You called it.

Look,

I understand that we want to make faith relatable, but I worry that maybe you're overdoing it.

Really?

How so?

Well, so, for instance, the first 11 minutes of your sermon this week, they were, what's the deal with airline food?

It's so bad.

Why is it so bad?

Well, yeah, no, it is.

It is.

I just don't think that God is also in the sky is quite the transition you needed to draw the things together.

Wait a minute, Chris, is this about cutting my segment about how black guys talk?

Because that's a firm no, Chris.

I told you, sir.

It's just it's it

looks if the message that we have is salvation,

you understand how a bunch of pop culture references and jokes kind of minimizes that importance, right?

I mean,

gosh darn it, I think so, Chris.

I'll write something more serious.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I'm glad.

It's no problem.

Pastor, your ghost rider motorcycle just arrived.

Oh, excellent.

Chris and I were just talking about that.

No, we weren't.

And we're back for more of this shit.

And now it's time for fucking Mark Hughes to preach at us for a bit.

Well, pre-preach.

Yes, well.

Okay, look.

Look, I get it.

You're a church production.

So for those of you who were never churchgoers, there's this little thing that happens before the sermon where the pastor kind of vamps while the parents all take their kids to free child care.

AKA, the reason one joins a religion.

But they kept it in their fucking movie.

We watch him be like, all right, well, have fun.

Yeah, no, kid care is room B and C today for the under fives.

And while everyone stands up and grabs their coats, our

Cass is just going to come out and sing another song for no reason.

Right.

Well, so, okay, well, first we have to compliment the band, right?

He's like, this music was all played live by our band.

And then the camera cuts to just fucking Susan looking confused for like 30 seconds and then the band why is the camera pointed at me Jeremy

and by the way the band is in complete darkness so it's it's a completely unlit so we can't really see but I think it's all I think it's just one guy I think it's an evil giraffes on Mars kind of a situation

100 yeah just like a lady with a keyboard or whatever but yeah then he does his who's drinking tonight shit for like three fucking minutes

the vamp is so painful he's like he does this thing I love it so much because every theater director does it they go hey and you know what?

How about a hand for the tech guys, huh?

They're real, they're the ones who make, keep us in the light.

Am I right?

Am I right?

They're all smoking.

They're all smoking indoors.

And he's like, but yeah, so while I'm doing my vamp, please entrust your kids to people who haven't been vetted in any meaningful way that belong to the world's child rapist profession, if you don't mind.

But it's free, Noah.

It's fucking free.

Oh, there is that.

Yeah.

And you get what you pay for.

He doesn't get it.

The parents in our audience get it.

The parents parents in our audience are like wait when's the free child

how do i get i'll join the jesus whatever and then she's like and she's like and he's like uh well we got another song to sing and then we're gonna get an abbreviated easter message and i'm like i bet it's not very abbreviated at all

sure isn't but first okay now we have a song this we have our actual jesus song for the first time oh right yeah the first time it's like did is it a song that's well known or did they write this song i i don't know

i can't imagine that they wrote it.

Can't help but notice that your notes here, Carol, were, I can't watch this, I'm fast forward.

I mean, someone's packs a little bit hit.

Yeah, well, you didn't miss the lyrics of this were just like, Jesus, I would lick your butthole so hard.

I mean, if that's what you were into, you'd enjoy it the way I go.

But if you were you, I would ask your permission, but I would lick it so hard.

That's the lyrics to this whole stupid fucking song.

Right.

You can't, you can't watch them say, just sing the same thing over and over.

You have to just move forward.

You get nothing from it.

Yeah.

No, self-preservation.

So then we cut back to that Smarmy Canuck that started the whole damn thing.

So he could basically do an ad for their church.

Right.

There's no question that Chris, this guy, like he's the one who finally put them on Facebook.

And so he has to insert himself into every online presentation and be like, and hey, guys, I bought a lot of cameras for the church.

And Pastor Mark gives me a pretty hard time about us not getting a lot of Twitter followers.

And I love this because we've talked about this before, but there's always a point in Kara's notes where she just gives up, right?

This is it.

Because like the last scene, she just wrote, I can't watch this.

I'm fast forwarding to it.

And then in this ad, she just wrote, nobody wants to go to your shitty church.

Yup.

Tough but fair.

And it just gets worse from there, guys.

Yeah, you guys write a lot during the sermon, and I don't.

I sure did.

Like, I have like five times as much notes as any, like I have like this first segment, Eli's got like a half a page.

Karen's got like a third of a page.

I've got like a page and a half of shit on this.

There's at one point, and I know I'm jumping ahead, but it doesn't matter.

At one point, literally, I wrote, I'm so lost.

Nothing matters.

I care not at all about anything he's saying.

It's like astute analysis.

So, okay, so now we're going to get our sermon.

Well, first they, they play their, we dare you to sue a church Avengers logo again.

Yep.

Right.

And then Mark's going to tell us the true meaning of Easter.

And I wrote in my notes, okay, the fact that we made Carol watch a sermon is almost as funny as the fact that we made her watch a superhero passion play musical.

Oh,

and by the way, the theme of this sermon is going to be, if you think about it, Jesus is pretty Avengers.

Yes.

Oh, 100%.

Literally, this whole sermon is he went to his digital Bible and did a control F

for the word avenge.

Yes, absolutely.

That's all he did.

And then he wrote a sermon about it.

Right, because he says, he says, you know, this week we're going to preach about Isaiah 63, 4 through 5.

And I'm like, oh, I guess you're going to use 1, 2, and 3, because that's the part that makes it clear that this is a portion of the Bible wherein God stomps so many people to death, kaiju style, that his clothes looks like he's been working a wine press.

That's what happens in this chapter of the Bible.

But that's...

That's his like wet dream.

Look when you opened up.

He showed that picture of New York and was like, look how badass it is that they destroyed New York in the movie.

Yep.

Now, but he does, he does have a pretty strong opening here, right?

He's like, some people would ask why we would tell the message of our religion, the consequences of which are, again, infinite damnation.

And that is because I'm stupid.

And I was like, I'm listening, Pastor Mark.

Yes.

Yeah.

He explained that my ears, sir.

When he was a kid, he didn't do no reading or nothing.

But it wasn't until he discovered comic books that he figured out that, you know, how to learn things.

So basically, we get his tight five here.

He laments about the fact that he's 60 and he's still talking about superheroes.

And I'm like, yeah, man,

I didn't think you and I would have a moment together, but I turn 49 next week.

I feel you, bro.

Pulls out an old Nintendo.

This one played so many fun games.

So, but he wants to tell us about another comic book aficionado.

Maybe you've heard of a guy named Josh Whedon.

Nope, I sure haven't.

Nor have I.

Hey, Pastor, anything else we should Google about you?

Yeah, right, I know.

Do you mean the racist, sexist, abusive director that once fired an actress for getting pregnant?

That's Joss Whedon.

This Josh guy sounds pretty cool.

I'm actually interested to hear what he's got to say.

Yeah, so he tells this story of Joss Whedon.

I guess when he was a kid, he got mugged.

on the streets of New York in broad daylight on his way to a comic book store.

And that was like a formative moment for him.

Yeah.

i just wrote maybe they knew in advance what a piece of shit he was going to turn out to be

uh by michelle trackenberg punch me in the stomach oh stop it fetus star fetish michelle trackenberg punch me in the stomach

so yeah but he's like actually you know you might not know this about joss whedon but he actually puts biblical references into his movies all the time right like like remember that that line where Captain America says there's only one God and he doesn't dress like that?

That's a Bible reference because you remember the part of the the Bible with Captain America in it?

Captain America, the time traveler whose entire characterization is that he does not understand modernity believes in my God.

Yes, right, right, exactly.

It's pretty cool.

And then he goes, it gets even fucking worse, guys.

He goes, well, you know, in Age of Ultron, in the Second Avengers movie, he actually uses the Bible quote, upon this rock I will build my church.

Weird.

And I'm like, Dude, in the movie, the bad guy who's trying to wipe out humankind says that in reference to the giant rock that he's about to drop on earth to wipe out humanity.

Well, it doesn't matter.

He quotes my book.

He quotes my favorite book.

What's my favorite book?

That's all that matters.

He goes, Joss Whedon is an atheist.

He speaks at atheist events.

And I'm like, I bet he doesn't do that anymore.

He does not.

He does not.

No.

It's going to be on SaiCon this year.

Yeah.

So also,

he quotes Napoleon.

Yeah, what is that?

I don't know.

You don't want to do that at church.

Right.

Because this is the quote.

He got it wrong, but here's the quote.

Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet.

Religion is what keeps the poor man from murdering the rich.

Yeah, that's not like he gets he, right?

Why would a rich religious guy say that to poor religious people?

You're fucking up the whole bit, man.

You're a mega pastor.

He's saying the quiet part out loud

to his congregation.

And then literally he's like, and now I'm going to pass around the collection.

Yes, right, right.

I want you to think about that while I pass around the collection.

Only when the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last clergyman ever.

So, okay, so now he's got three bullet points for us to talk about the Easter message and how it relates to the Avengers movie.

The three bullet points are the villain, the Avenger, and the Avenge.

So first, let's talk about the villain.

That is, of course, Satan.

He says it this way.

He's like, the Avengers have stolen from the Bible, like that Loki character, obviously based on Satan.

Yeah, because he's bad.

I have so many notes of that.

Because the accusation then would just be, they stole the same thing that we stole, but also like,

Loki is a different religion's god.

Right.

He's based on a, like, he's just genuinely based on a god from a different, the only less accurate character you could call a Satan character is Jesus.

But, like, it's all the same, right?

And that's really, like, it's like he's getting it without getting it.

Like, this is why I don't like these kinds of movies.

Sorry.

I feel like the quintessential

versus evil.

It's so boring.

Oh, you don't like superhero movies.

Yeah, right, right.

No, yes.

What did you think I was talking about?

Movies that you watch with us.

I thought you made Christian films.

Oh, no, I don't like those either.

It is a damagingly simplistic narrative, right?

It is.

And it's bad, even just as like the primary narrative that we're giving to children through fiction.

It's even worse as a worldview that you base your religion on.

Ah, guys.

I don't want to argue on the podcast, but I grew up on these movies and comic books, and all of my opinions have always been awesome.

Right, yes.

All of the opinions you had that came from those were pretty fucking money.

Yeah.

I think we can all agree that I am not on record having any bad takes

ever at any point.

Perhaps burned into the digital record.

I have always had good ideas all the time.

Yep, you sure have.

This is how I feel watching Star Wars 2.

I'm so sorry.

You're alienating everyone.

I also feel genocidal when I watch the new Star Wars films.

Okay, Kara, I get it.

But here's the thing.

It's literally just those guys are good.

Those guys are bad.

But wait, here's a complicated situation in which the good guy did a bad thing.

And here's a complicated situation in which the bad guy did a good thing.

And isn't that just the whole Bible too?

Yep.

Yeah, no, it is.

Absolutely.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Just making sure.

Yeah.

He talks more about how Lucifer is like Loki.

At one point, he goes, is it Lucifer?

Is it Lokiefer?

I can't even tell.

Oh, my God.

It's so painful.

Oh, oh, oh, do we get to do the Jim Carrey part?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

He's so excited to do his Jim Carrey.

So he has a Jim Carrey impersonation.

What is it, you ask?

It's him yelling the word smoking.

Yep.

And

he's like, you know, Tom Hiddleston was great in this movie, but they were thinking Jim Carrey would play it.

You guys wonder what that was like.

Speaking of Jim Carrey.

Oh, my God.

And he literally goes, you know, Jim Carrey from the mask.

Yes, yeah.

From the mask.

Smoking.

I turned into dust from age because I fucking loved the mask.

And me and the pastor both being like, I remember the mask.

That was such a funny, like we simultaneously drank from the wrong cup.

Yeah.

And so, okay, so then he starts talking about, he's trying to make sense of the whole Satan mythology.

He's like, hey, you know, why would God give Satan a furlough on earth before condemning him to hell?

That's a great question.

Well, it turns out free will.

And we're like, I'm like, take me there, man.

He's like, well, you know, would it really be free will if there wasn't a goat demon tempting you into sin?

And I'm like, why wouldn't it be free will then?

Yeah.

He's like, it's like Russian democracy.

And I wrote in my notes, your religion, not a great start.

Well, so, so, but that's what he said.

He says, if, if God didn't make a Satan there to tempt you to do evil shit, then you wouldn't really be making a decision.

It would be like voting in Russia.

Now,

in the present day, that's so goddamn funny.

Like, the man could be literally arguing with Donald Trump when he starts talking about how democratic Russia isn't at this point.

Like,

the fact that that's just the go-to example of a strong-armed dictator, even among conservatives,

is just fucking hilarious in the modern world, given the news cycle.

Now, I will point out that because he has literalized Satan dwells but for a little while on earth, that's the funniest fucking picture because the image he has now created is not like, hey, Satan's time is short, Jesus is coming, salvation is coming, right?

Which is what that context is in the Bible.

It's that Satan had his argument with God, and then for a couple thousand years before humans were made, Satan was just fucking schlumping around Earth like a teenager in his room being like,

fucking stupid volcanoes, volcanoes everywhere.

What's up, dinosaurs?

You guys want to fuck the same?

Ah, they're not listening.

They're basically birds.

I can't wait for people to get here so I can turn them gay.

Make the people so gay.

Just walking around going, smoking.

Yeah, right.

Okay.

So wait, I'm just curious because clearly I'm learning a lot listening to the two of you.

Thank you.

You don't say that enough.

I know.

I know.

So hold on to it, Eli.

Yeah.

Suck the marrow out of this moment.

Morgan, send me that question.

So I'm learning a lot listening to the two of you, really breaking this down in a way that kind of gives this guy a little more credit than he deserves.

But I'm curious, as I'm watching this and I'm completely lost and having an existential crisis, do you think that the people in the audience are also just like slack jawed mouth breathing going like, of course, I don't know what you're talking about at all.

Yeah.

But when you say amen, I clap.

Yeah.

Okay.

Just making sure.

Absolutely.

These people came for a religious service.

They sang, call me maybe, while dressed as Iron Man.

And now he's like, so how about that eternal salvation and war against the devil?

And they're just like, you got to pick a lane, man.

Well, but so here's the thing, though, is that I genuinely think that the problem is that the people in the audience do understand what he's talking about.

Do you think they do?

Do you think most religious people have actually read the Bible?

No, no, I don't think that, right?

I think that like he's using like basically code words and shorthand for images or ideas that have been drilled into them so often that they just know

when you say these words, you're talking about this other thing, this other greater concept, right?

So it's almost symbolic language.

And because it's symbolic language, it comes off like listening to people talk about a sport that you don't know anything about.

That's how I feel.

Yeah.

They're just talking about football.

Right, right.

Or not even football.

I know about football.

It's like they're talking about curling.

Yes, exactly.

Exactly.

It's like people are really into curling.

Or it's like when you listen to people talk jargon about their job, right?

Like

when Normie's listened to doctors talk or whatever, because you're using these phrases that are like, you know, it's two words for you, but there's years of education behind your understanding of those two words, right?

But my question is, are the people listening in on it?

Or are they also just hearing key words every like 17 words?

And they're like, ooh, that's a Jesusy thing.

Well, so I'm with you there.

But here's the thing, Kara Kara is: I don't think there's a difference because that's all he's doing, right?

Right.

There is no deeper meaning here.

It is just stringing together these code words, these Jesus code words with Avengers' imagery.

That's that's literally all there is.

So it doesn't make sense.

So I get it just as much as anyone else.

There's no deeper meaning here, right?

Yeah, no, it's turtles all the way down.

That was really validating for me, Noah.

Right, no, like seriously, the only deeper meaning that comes from this is what you bring to it, right?

So it's like a Rorschach.

Yeah, exactly.

Yes.

Okay.

How is it a painting of my parents having sex?

Makes perfect sense for you.

So glad I fired that doctor.

So, but then this, eventually, we land on Satan tempting Eve in the garden, and he explains to us that Eve ate the apple, and that's why Joss Whedon got mugged 7,000 years later.

Okay, bringing it full circle.

Now, that was the moment where I knew he was really hurting Kara because when he was like, and that's why Joss Whedon got mugged, he lost even me.

And Kara, at that point, I assume, was just across the room from her television with a gun being like, I have to stop it somehow.

Well, yeah, you guys, at this point, I was doing the dishes, I think.

I was just sort of listening over my shoulder.

The new bingo card for Gam is Kara has left the room.

Yeah, exactly.

It's right in the middle.

So, but yeah, he does this.

I don't get this at all.

He's like, you know, that only 30-something percent of the people in Canada believe in the devil.

So who's doing all these bad things?

I'm like, fucking what?

I mean, like, statistically speaking, it's mostly Christians, but still, what?

What are you fucking talking about?

So, okay, that's the villain.

Now we move on to bullet point two, the Avenger.

That would be God, of course.

Now, this is where he actually gets to Isaiah 4.

I have to read this.

This is Isaiah 3, right?

These are the words immediately before this, God talking about him being the Avenger.

Okay, this is from the KJV.

Quote,

I have trodden the wine press alone, and of the people there were none with me, for I will tread them in mine anger, and trample them in my fury, and their blood shall be sprinkled upon my garments and I will stain all my raiment.

All right.

Get it, God.

Right?

Yeah.

You know, that's some serial killer shit.

Like in Iron Man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just like Iron Man.

And again, like.

The metaphor that he is using here is, hey, you know, God looked down at a world full of sinners and thought, who can possibly make this better?

The best person for the job is me.

And I wrote my notes, yes, God and the director of every community theater who casts himself.

Yes.

Right, right.

He goes, yeah, you know, that's why I love Marvel superheroes so much because they have weaknesses.

Like, you ever notice how Superman has no weaknesses at all, except for the weakness that is almost certainly the most famous of all the weaknesses in all the history of fiction, which has become just a shorthand for one's weakness?

I would like to point out that Superman's real weakness, and we don't talk about it enough, is that sometimes he pretends to be a newspaper reporter while rapes happen.

Oh, you're it.

That's that's actually a great point.

So, but now he's going to go through and he's going to explain to us all of the Avengers' various weaknesses.

And he's going to try to turn this into the seven deadly sins, which is stupid because he doesn't have seven of them and there's no gluttonous Avenger or whatever.

But anyway, he goes, you know, all the Marvel characters have profound human weaknesses.

And I'm like, do they?

What is Thor's profound?

Tell me the Hulk's profound human weakness.

How about it?

Anger.

Anger management.

Anger management.

Yeah.

I don't know how profound that is.

Like, that's his power.

That's his power.

I think the problem, actually, if you look at the series, and if you've watched all the movies and read all the comic books like me and Kare have, he actually can't get his anger up for most of that series.

It's a problem.

Yeah, right.

He can't get his anger up.

No, he can't.

He literally can't take a fucking little blue pill.

Yeah, right.

It's a little green pill, but yeah.

It's chewable now.

So, wait, this is at the point where I literally wrote, somehow after watching this, I know less about both superheroes and the Bible.

Right, yes, exactly.

I love that.

He goes, you know, Iron Man has one flaw, his ego.

And I'm like, he was an alcoholic misogynist that made billions of dollars off of war crimes, dude.

That's the character.

His one flaw is his.

Do you think he sees those as flaws?

No, that's a good point.

That's a good point.

He says, Black widow's weakness is guilt.

Not finger guns.

Captain America's weakness is

not understanding topical references.

He's irrelevant.

His actual thing is Captain America's weakness is he's irrelevant like Christianity.

That's right.

He's like, yeah.

Well, yeah, that's actually kind of an interesting moment, right?

Where he's like, yeah, and don't we all kind of feel like Captain America sometimes?

Like we've all been frozen in ice for 80 years and then thawed out and thinking, wow, everything that we believe is 80 years out of date.

Jesus, keep saying the quiet part out loud.

Always do this.

There's this great moment because, again, this church fucking hates him.

It's so wonderful.

He goes, raise your hand if you have some of those weaknesses.

And what very obviously happens is nobody in this stone-cold church full of morally superior fuddy-duddies raises their hand.

So he's like, oh.

Just me.

Guys, we're supposed to admit that we have flaws.

That's not part of the religion.

I also, I want to point out that as he's going through the Avengers and he's listing all their weaknesses, he completely leaves off Hawkeye because fuck Hawkeye.

His weakness is snowplows, by the way.

His weakness is that he doesn't have any fucking power.

Yeah, well, that's, yeah, he had Black Widow on there, though.

But then, yeah, he explains that we also have weaknesses.

And then he starts telling the story this has nothing to do with any fucking thing.

I guess this is him being humbled, right?

Oh, God.

The story about when he was preaching at the football stadium.

No, but this is him being full of hubris.

And it's

a humble brag.

Right, right, exactly.

That's the thing is that he's going to tell us this story about when he was humbled by the world.

And it's going to start off with, yeah, we did a stadium and 16,000 people came out and they were screaming and cheering for me and people wanted to interview me.

I'm like, this is, you're doing it wrong, man.

Yeah.

Humble.

He literally tells a story about getting mistaken by a reporter for a professional athlete.

I do not believe that for a goddamn second.

No, nobody ever thought this guy was an athlete.

And also, that is not a story you tell.

A football player, an African-American football player.

No, and that is not a story you tell to be humble.

That's a story you tell.

Like, that's like a Trump-level narcissistic thing to say, where everybody goes, I don't think that happened.

Right.

Yes, exactly.

Exactly.

He's trying to tell a story about how humble he needs to be.

And it's like, so first of all, I want to point out that 16,000 people, he says, 16,000,000 people came out to our football stadium thing.

I'm like, that is such a small crowd in a football stadium.

Also,

Milt Steagle is black.

Milt Stegl is black.

Yes, right, right.

And then somebody mistook him for this famous football player.

Yes, this famous African-American football player.

Jesus.

African-Canadian football player.

I don't know.

He's still part of America, I guess.

But yeah.

And so, yeah, his humble story is like, I was

at an event where I was the main speaker and thousands of people were cheering for me.

And someone mistook me for an elite athlete.

I sure was humbled.

Like if Kara told us how humble she was, because sometimes she drops her Emmy.

Yes, right.

Right.

So, and then this ends with a story about a carpet layer smashing a canary to death with a hammer.

Yeah, what was that supposed to teach us?

No, I don't.

He ends every segment with a street joke, and every street joke goes worse than the last.

Yep.

So the last street joke was men hate their wives.

Classic.

Oh, yeah.

I left that one out.

How did I miss it?

This one is murdering the canary, and no one even pretends to laugh.

No.

It's just like.

Because it's not funny.

It's just weird.

It's nothing.

There's no punchline or any.

It's like he took a family circus cartoon and read a description of each panel and was hoping it would kill.

And then we move on to our final bullet point, the avenged, where he's going to give us a verse from Luke because that also came up when he control-F'd the word avenge.

Yeah, and this is the part of Luke where Jesus explains that he'll get to saving the world when he gets to it.

Yes.

Like your dad with a shitty stack of wood in the garage.

God damn it, Elizabeth.

I said I'd get to it.

I'll save the earth when I can.

So, yeah, so he's going to tell us the story now of his recently deceased 99-year-old father-in-law, who he had spent presumably like the last 40 fucking years hounding to change religions.

36

years.

This is the hero of the movie.

Oh, what's that podcast listener?

You didn't think you'd get to learn about a real superhero?

Oh, we're about to learn about a real superhero who for 36 years looked at his daughter's husband every week and was like, no, thanks.

The mega pastor.

This guy is like Canadian Joel Osteen.

And every Sunday for 36

years,

you can hit.

two kids with your car and get out of prison earlier than 36 years.

And every Sunday, this mega pastor came to his house with his daughter full of his cum and was like, you sure you don't want to be my religion?

And this guy, who, of course, was born and raised in the most Christocentric place on earth was like, no thanks, man.

I'll see you afterwards for lunch.

I'm not feeling it.

I love it so goddamn much.

Yeah.

But unfortunately, they hounded him a little too long.

And on his deathbed, he did accept Jesus, or at least that's Pastor Mark's story that he's sticking to it, right?

Yeah, can't prove me wrong.

Nobody saw it.

Nobody saw it.

Yeah.

It's so close to him not converting, though.

When they go and they're like, they try and convert him when he's like garbling on his own lungs and he's like, oh, no.

I was like, oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I'm almost there.

Yeah.

Do you guys think it's a little weird that he did an Avengers

Bible?

presentation play the week his dad died?

That's what, like, I don't think he's telling us the truth, but yes.

yeah, yes, I was thinking, like, wow, that really paints a really dark light over all of this, doesn't it?

I know.

You really didn't give a shit about this man, did you?

No, it's beautiful because they had already rehearsed the musical, and then Mark came in Friday before the Sunday, right?

And he was like, Hey guys, um, Carol's wife passed away, and they were like, Oh, okay.

Um,

are we,

I are we still doing the super thing

because we have this we built the set i don't know that we can we can't change the graphics all already too late we promised carol she could sing a song

yeah right right she's gonna kill herself

it's what he would have wanted no no

we could we could still do the avengers musical which means he turned to his wife and her white she's a Christian, right?

And her dad just died.

Yeah.

And she's like, are you going to talk about daddy at the service?

And he was like, I am.

But

first,

Iron Man is going to sing his parody of Call Me May.

And she was like, okay.

Jesus Christ.

And now she listens to our podcast.

Yeah, right, right.

Hi.

Hi, Carol.

So, yeah.

So he tricks us into thinking it's over, but then he's like, no, I want you to all bow your heads.

And that's where Screeching Baby shows up again and goes, now.

He says, like, you know, if anybody wants to become Christian, now would be the time.

I'm not going to call you forward because, well, that would demonstrate the futility of everything that we're doing here.

It does.

Okay, I have to point out that this is literally a method for several magic tricks.

It's like, and okay, how many of you had a red card?

Wow, a lot of you.

Yes.

Yeah, but they all need to pray.

They all thank Jesus for dying.

What was that weird thing where he's like,

and Confucius is dead and Buddha is dead.

Yes.

And Muhammad is dead.

And Elvis

is dead.

Is dead.

But Jesus has risen and he is the Avenger.

Is Jesus.

Jesus is dead.

I'm pretty sure.

No, no, no.

Is he alive up there?

Jesus rose from the dead and he and then he

rose bodily into heaven.

So there's just a living 2,000-year-old guy up there.

He's walking around on a cloud.

Because you got to wonder, like, is he like the one person in heaven who still needs to shit?

Yeah.

Right.

This raises a lot of questions.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No.

Because he was made out of flesh.

Right.

And 2,000 years, that'll go bad.

Oh, mummy Jesus.

Mummy Jesus.

Yeah.

Like, how many Christians burst through the gates of heaven and are like, I'm so sorry.

Can I meet Christ?

And they're like,

hey, he's actually, and there's, no, please.

I've waited my whole life.

And I was on my ministry.

And, you you know those villagers found me and they beat me to death with rocks can i just embrace the lord and they're like okay here he is and it's just like

just air passing over

the fucking husk flash thing

we try to get it it's actually pretty warm up here

he rotted so fast

Gross.

Do you want to go see the Blowjob Fountain?

Yeah, he was going to see the Blowjob.

So, yeah, so

he's doing this prayer where he's got everybody like, he's doing a call and response, and it's terrifying.

The people like calling back to him are like, literally, it's the horror noise in control, right?

It's like absolutely terrifying.

Yeah.

And then Pastor Tim pops in one more time and congratulates us on loving Jesus so well.

Yep.

Yeah.

And if you, if you took Jesus into your heart, follow us on TikTok.

Right.

All right.

Well, Kara, thank you so much for suffering through possibly the weirdest shit we've ever watched.

And a quick reminder to check the show notes for links to Kara's other stuff.

She does serious stuff too, y'all, and she's really good at that.

And then we bring her on to do this shit.

She's sorry to the furries.

Please don't light her city on fire again.

And well, that's going to do it for our review of Avengers.

That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to rise again in seven days.

So, Eli, tell us what's on deck.

A down-and-out law student sues Satan for $8 trillion.

Satan appears to defend himself with seven of the greatest trial lawyers, and the trial of the century begins.

We'll be watching Suing the Devil.

I practically don't believe you, Eli.

Oh, yeah, baby.

To be treasured.

So with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 496 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to Kara for all her help today, and perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com/slash godawal and thereby earner access to an ad-free version of every episode.

You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The The Scathing Atheist, Citation Data, DND Minus, and The Scaffocard, available wherever podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodOff and Movies to gmail.com.

Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick before our drafts on Mars.

All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer Morgan Clark and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a trinket of our life this week for Heath Enright, Neli Bosnick.

I'm No Illusions Prophets to work hard to earn another check next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the breakfast club close.

I don't know or care.

Pastor Mark spent all the loonies and toonies in his collection plate on Halloween costumes for next year's rendition of The Lord of the Rings.

Get it?

Because, you know,

that's almost certainly actually true.

Probably.

It probably did happen.

Robin went on to lay an egg in the song.

These movies get significantly more insane than Crucifying Iron Men.

Yeah.

Lord, I cannot tell you how grateful I am to be in your embrace.

You sure you don't want to do that a little more Canadian, Eli?

Eli, I'm usually very hesitant to give you notes on the air like that, but I'm so glad that I

Canadian voice added quite a bit.

You got a boot whispered.

You had that just like waiting.

That's how good he is.

That's the other thing.

I wouldn't ask if if I didn't know how to.

First take.

I have like 27 of these fucking things.

I just won't let anyone else use them.

I won't let anyone else use them.

So fucking weird.

And they're autonomous.

So I could just deploy them and stay home.

Wait, so wait, is Black Widow actually have superpowers or does she just have finger guns?

She's just a lady.

She's just a lady with a gun in each hand because that's helpful.

Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.

You gotta get that dual wield going.

Yeah.

She can do flips.

A lot of flips.

She does flips.

She does

death with her thighs.

Yeah.

A lot.

Just that.

A lot.

Okay.

All right.

Factor ad.

There it is.

I love how you said breaking your back chopping.

Yeah, no, that's a lot of

back breaking.

Back breaking.

Not usually.

Very, very large.

All cooks with axes.

Yes.

And that one sword from Final Fantasy VII.

Yes.

This content is can-credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountability network.org.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

So, so this is uh Schwarma, huh?

Yeah, pretty good, right?

No.

I mean, it's kind of like a hot pocket.