495: The Watchers: Revelation

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this is also we're gonna we're gonna jump back over to the cabin where Kara and Uncle Josh are now gonna explain to mom that what they just saw could not be an alien spacecraft and could only in fact have been an angel flying super fast

This is the, it's the worst Jackie Mason routine ever.

It's physical.

It's not physical.

How can it be physical?

It's not physical.

It's going fast.

It's It's not fast.

Am I going fast?

Are you going fast?

If it's physical, it's not real.

But it's not real, then it's not physical.

But if it's physical, it could be a thing.

It could be going slow.

I don't know.

Is it enough?

God-awful

movie.

Movies.

Movies.

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema because Apple kicks off if you just release two hours of silence.

I'm your host, Noah Illusions, and sitting 700 miles to my immediate left is my good friend Heath and Wright.

Heath, welcome back, sir.

We've got aliens.

Very exciting.

Let's do it.

No, we don't, but maybe.

Yeah,

yeah.

Sorry, just disputable.

Fermi's paradox.

And sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bostick.

Eli, how are you doing this fine afternoon, sir?

Skeptical Christian cinema, No Illusions.

It's a very narrow audience, this one.

We're also excited to welcome in a brand new guest masochist today.

George Hobbes, a drummer, guitarist, composer, and he's the host of the Geologic Podcast.

George, welcome to the show.

I consider myself an alien, so does that count for today?

I consider you

an angel.

So

check out Alohim.

Really happy to have you on.

I'm hoping

this is the worst homework you've ever had to do for a podcast.

guest appearance.

Not even close.

Not even close.

Yeah, no, this is like the, yeah, nothing else.

I should say, nothing else comes close.

This is the by far worst.

Okay.

All right.

That's what I thought.

Okay.

I should be very proud.

Very proud.

Although, you know, Steve Novella does make me do push-ups.

That's a whole separate thing.

Oh, interesting.

I didn't even know that was on the table.

That's so hard.

Oh, yeah.

It's awful.

It's awful.

So tell us, Eth, what will we be breaking down today?

We watched The Watchers Revelation.

It's the story of science getting pwned by God's love with facts and logic for an entire movie.

Sure.

And Eli, how bad was this movie?

Well, if you love the scrappy band of humans versus aliens movie trope, but you wish that it lacked the subtlety and careful writing of M.

Night Shyamalan signs, you will love this movie.

What I loved so much about this movie is that the entire goddamn thing is just people sitting around talking about the plot.

It's the laziest written movie I've ever imagined, let alone watched, right?

Well, the giveaway is up front, because first off, in the title, it's The Watcher's Colon Revelation, which lets you know, okay, there's a colon, which means there's a string of shit coming.

Yes.

Truly, yeah.

This should have been called the Watcher's Colon Exposition.

Really, really.

Because holy crap, it's just like you said, people talking endlessly.

It's a, it's a, at a certain point, it's an argument, it's a writer like very clearly trying to work work the shit out in his own head on paper.

And then just pulling something out of his colon.

Yeah.

Yes.

Plus, the dialogue has more pauses in it than like Joe Rogan watching the Zapruder film.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I watched it at 1.5 speed.

It is 90 minutes too long.

Yep.

Yep.

All right.

So there's anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best at being the worst at?

Yeah, I'm going to go with best, worst reviews on Rotten Tomatoes.

The very first two that I got when I clicked on this on Rotten Tomatoes, the first one was worth watching until the end, four stars out of five.

Boy, that is damned by faint praise, right?

Worth watching until the end.

The second review I saw was Don't Watch made me physically violently ill.

Oh, 0.5 stars out of five.

Physically violently ill.

Interesting.

I didn't have that.

I was going to go with best worst computer interface, and I'm not going with the magical bullshit one that the little kid built.

I'm going with the voice-activated one that we get in this movie that just gives you like brief character bios of whoever you ask about.

Starts ordering stuff on Amazon.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love that a lot.

I'm going to go with best worst eventual conversions.

So this is a Christian movie, right?

Which means that everybody has to find Jesus at the end.

Otherwise, the audience starts screaming and grandma rolls out of her hospital bed.

And the Christian conversion in this film is literally a guy being like,

I mean, yeah, sure, fine.

It's worse than last week's.

Yeah.

It's everyone agreeing to do one vegan meal whenever we travel together.

The conversion.

Can you stop talking if I do it?

Okay, fine.

Do you have a best worst for us, Jio?

I think for me, best worst is both best and worst looping ever because just about 97% of the lines in this film are overdubbed.

And at the beginning, it's like, oh my God, it's looped.

It's looped.

It's looped.

So that by the end, you're actually enjoying the fact that the lips are just barely lining up with what's being said.

Once in a while, they'll nail a word and you'll just be like, oh, you guys.

Yeah.

More loops than Six Flags Orlando.

It's fantastic.

All right.

Millie Vanilli's in this movie.

Cool.

Interesting.

All right.

Well, if we wait too long, George is going to find a way to escape.

So we're going to keep the break brief.

And when we come back, we'll dive into all the actors talking about the plot that is The Watchers Revelation.

You okay, Heath?

That's the third time you've sneezed since you came over.

Yeah, sorry, my allergies are terrible this year.

When's the last time you changed your air filter?

Are you supposed to change those?

Yeah, man.

Look, look, it just like it slides right out and you change it.

Oh, hold on.

How's it going?

Oh, man.

Oh, dude, that is nasty.

Sorry about that.

I get in sentence around 2011, maybe 2012.

Hard to tell.

You know, you guys don't say the date out loud a lot, right?

The year.

Yeah, no, sorry.

I didn't realize.

No, no problem, man.

I get it.

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All right, man.

Thanks.

Hey, real quick, before you guys go.

Yeah, sure, man.

What's up?

Kill me?

Oh,

I don't.

I don't see.

Please, I'm afraid that I'll be too afraid to ask if we talk about it.

I was just going to put you out by the recycling man.

Oh, yeah.

No, that's cool, too.

That's cool, too.

Sorry.

It's fine.

And then what'd you say?

Oh, I said the NFT hasn't lost its value.

It's just in a market low.

Market low.

I told my mom the same thing.

Right.

Guys, guys, you got to hear this.

Hey, man, what's up?

You guys remember my cousin Steve?

Yeah.

Hey, Steve.

Hi, Steve.

Oh, hi.

So tell them what you told me about the aliens.

I was just explaining that one of the things people don't understand about the belief that aliens have visited our planet is that the kind of interstellar travel they're describing is highly unlikely.

But I thought the aliens just had like super advanced technology.

Right, but like they know we have cell phones and radio towers.

Wouldn't they send a signal before they flew like millions of miles across space in a physically impossible vehicle to like reach us?

I guess so, yeah.

You know, and a bunch of vehicles that are described silent, super fast, etc.

Like, even with advanced technology, they defy the laws of physics.

Defy physics.

Guys, do you know what this means?

What?

Aliens

must be demons trying to trick demons.

They're aliens.

We totally have to make a movie about this.

No, that's not where I was going at all.

Demon alien.

I'm going to get my laptop right now, guys.

Hey, folks, Noah here to tell you that we've now officially joined the Creator Accountability Network.

Can is a a non-profit dedicated to reducing harassment and abuse through ethical education and a system of restorative accountability.

We join because we care about the safety and well-being of our community members.

If you feel our behavior or content has harmed someone, please report it to CAN either via the reporting system on their website, creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org, or via their hotlines, 617-249-4255.

They'll help us make it right and avoid repeating the same mistake in the future.

CAN also needs volunteers from our community to help with their process.

So if you have skills that you think would be helpful or time and a desire to help, please visit their website to find out how you can volunteer.

Most importantly, get the word out to other creators who you think would be interested in getting credentialed.

Help us build safer communities together.

And now, back to the show.

And we're back for the breakdown, and we're going to open up on a quote from 2nd Corinthians: for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light.

Okay.

Or I guess usually translated as masquerades as an angel of light.

Yeah.

So he just like fell out of heaven and then did like a revenge thing on God is the story.

Like the entire Satan story, it's horrible bosses that got like way out of hand.

It's kind of funny.

Isn't it though?

Also, I just want to point out that making no illusions watch this opening with headphones, which I'm almost certain he had to, is an ADA violation from Bisophonia.

Oh my God.

It's literally microphone hiss, then a low-pitched whirring noise, then an airplane hangar being ripped open by Godzilla.

It might as well be someone drumming their fingers on a desk and a baby that someone won't shut up.

Oh my God.

Well, at least they use italic papyrus for the font, which is really fantastic.

Yeah, he's classy.

It tells you what you're about to see.

And St.

Paul was McCartney.

Is that right?

Yeah, no, that's what I meant.

I also, I always feel sorry for people who are trying to find a relevant, meaningful Bible quote for their thing because...

There aren't any.

So, you know, you get John 3, 16 constantly, because there's like nine good quotes in the whole damn book.

So you always have something like, Satan is.

And we should also point out that after we get this, we see Satan like fall to the earth and we get our first taste of the level of effects that we're going to be getting with today's film.

Hell yeah, baby.

Despiser only wishes he had access to this level of technology.

So then we check in on a warehouse at the Holloman Air Force Base in New Mexico.

I just want to point out, listener, that when Eli originally wrote the notes, he had that written as Holatimore Space Base that's what I saw the words said a Holloman Air Force Base anyway yeah but now I guess the president this is Eisenhower I guess well first off I think aren't they in the warehouse that uh the German workers were in for better call Saul yeah 100%

yeah I think it's the exact same one it's fantastic awesome I thought it was the one where Indiana Jones kept the ark oh if only yeah but yeah I guess they couldn't get there they couldn't afford that so but yeah so the the Eisenhower is now meeting with this alien ambassador named Adon.

Okay, can we talk about the awkward golf moment?

Because I know we're establishing the plot of the movie here, and that's what we should be talking about, but their back and forth about golf I thought about for the rest of the film, and they never come back to it.

So, first of all, he's like, you were golfing, yes.

And he's like, Yeah, do you golf on your planet?

He's like, Our games are more deliberate, pause, colorful.

And the fact that Eisenhower doesn't go, hey man, do you mean fuck stuff?

It seems like you're talking about

fuck stuff.

We can play golf and fuck if you want.

I don't know.

I thought he was going to say, tell me about your square dancing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then to make it even more awkward, he's like, well, if you want to go to the alien, the president is like, well, if you want to go golfing sometime, let me know.

And I wanted so badly for the alien to be like, yes.

And he's just on the seventh hole.

being like smash cut yeah so the reason you don't see any black people here is oh my god they're allowed so they are allowed no Don't vaporize the planet.

And by the way,

we know what Eisenhower looked like.

Why do they have Michael Chiklis' stunt double playing?

That's a great question.

That's a great question.

Like, that's a real person.

We know who that was.

There's a reveal here at the end, right?

Where he goes, like, thank you, Mr.

President.

We're not supposed to realize it's the president until then.

And then all of us are like, why didn't he look at it all?

like Eisenhower?

Why don't you just show him from behind like movies sometimes do when you can't afford to look alike, you know?

And why is the president having a meeting in a supply closet?

That's a good question.

That's a great question.

Yeah.

You'd think he'd have a nicer place for this.

You'd think.

Also, so, but Addon, the alien, is mad at Earthlings for misusing nukes as we enter, in his words, the nuclear age.

Okay.

Yeah.

He says, like, your people have entered the nuclear age.

The aliens who flew across galaxies, they have a babble fish or whatever for perfect fluent English, but they still can't say nuclear craft.

That's so weird.

Really hyper-intelligent beings have trouble with that.

It's actually a really, it's a sign of deep understanding of the written language.

I also,

I thought the president looked more like Tom Carvell, too.

Oh, yeah.

Alien cookie puss technology to make sure.

Okay, that's right in me and Heath's lane, George.

I want you to know you are fucking preaching to the Tom Carvell radio commercials.

You have found your home.

The best, right?

If you bring up Save by the Bell, we're best friends.

Hey, for the the young people, there used to be an accidental anti-smoking ad on the radio called Tom Carville, where he would describe the cake shapes he made up the way a patient does right before they're led to the gas chamber.

It's a whale.

It's a whale of a cake.

Kids don't ever smoke.

Love fudgy.

Fudgy, oh, God.

Fuck it bust.

So there's also a great moment where the president, because the aliens are like sharing technology.

They established that now, right?

And the president is like leafing through the technology.

All we see is a blueprint for a tank.

Which, by the way, looks like this is from the Lego Robo Riders technique set.

Exactly, right.

And the alien is like, you've used our technology for war and to kill each other.

And I'm like, it's a tank.

What the fuck did you think we were going to do with a tank, man?

Also, I feel like we had tanks.

I wanted the president to be like, yeah, no, we invented like just, you know, a band that makes a thing go.

That advanced space technology of like big truck on wheels.

Yeah, right.

Thanks.

Thanks, alien person.

We would not have thought of putting more iron on it without your help.

So, but the aliens are breaking.

Well, I'm sorry, they're not breaking up with us.

They just need some time.

Yeah.

You know, to themselves.

Oh, God.

We've all been there, haven't we?

It's not you, Planet.

It's me.

Yes.

Yeah, exactly.

But the aliens, like, we'll be back some other time, probably,

you know, in the modern day.

I just think we need some space while we figure ourselves out, you know?

Exactly.

And then he teleports away in a flash of light.

Yeah.

Well, he teleports away using an important device.

Oh, yes.

He's going to bring in later.

A puck.

Yeah.

He's got a little like puck.

It's like a fidget spinner that he's playing with during the whole meeting that's on the table.

It's a ding-dong.

Yeah.

It's a space ding-dong.

Space stone.

Ding-dong kind of looks like a paperweight, but with like a couple things on it.

And then he zoops away by just like putting his hand vaguely over a paperweight.

And it seems like way too easy to activate that by accident.

He was playing with thumbnails.

Especially when you're fidgeting, when you can't stop fidgeting with it, I haven't had a ding-dong in so goddamn long now, George, and that's all I'm going to think about for the rest of this record.

There's definitely a version of this universe where, like, Noah won't stop fidgeting.

She keeps teleporting out of the room.

Right?

Sorry, you were

over on your side of the table.

I don't even know why you give me one of these.

I'm listening.

So then we get a title screen that I can only describe as the most expensive possible titles that still look cheap.

Fuck yeah.

Right.

So the credits are, we're flying through like Hubble images or whatever, and

the names are flying at us.

We get the greatest goddamn name I've ever fucking seen.

The lead actor in this movie, his name is

Titus Young Wolverton.

That's pretty sweet.

Fuck yeah.

Hey, we're naming our son Titus Young Wolverton.

I think that'll be fine as long as he doesn't look like the adult version of a cartoon chocolate mascot, right?

Like

as long as our son doesn't grow up to be a rosy-cheeked cherub, but in adult form.

He looks like the sidekick for Fudgie the Whale from Carvelle.

Is that a problem?

Yeah, exactly.

Name Titus Young Wolverton.

That's an awesome name.

Titus Young Wolverton.

He's going to play Pete.

But eventually, these credits end, we resolve in the present day where at the Cahokia Mounds in Collinsville, Illinois, some students are doing an archaeological dig there, right?

And this girl's found something pretty interesting.

So this other student, he's got to run and go tell his teacher about it.

The professor seems wildly uninterested, right?

Yeah.

This is where we got our first taste of how the writing works here because he goes, Professor, we found something.

And he's like, yes, we are archaeologists looking for things.

Now you have found something.

They do at one point say, let's have to be getting Dr.

Jameson, which I thought was like a nice way to just say you want to go get drunk.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

Good euphemism possibilities.

Good euphemism, yes.

Yeah.

But he's found a tablet, which is significant because, according to this movie, the ancient Mississippian Indians didn't have writing.

Right.

Now, I wrote a bunch of jokes in my notes, podcast listener, about how that's not true.

No illusions enforced me that I'm the incorrect one.

So then instead, I have an open question, which is how did ancient Mississippians remember more than like nine things?

They made them rhyme, man.

They told stories.

There weren't more than nine things back then.

You know what?

That's fair.

That's fair.

Exactly.

There was just eight things back then.

Right, right.

No, it was when we invent the nine thing, that's when they used the podcast equipment that they got from aliens, which was cool technology.

There we go.

It's all coming together.

So, okay, so now we're going to meet this couple in Chestnut Ridge, Pennsylvania, out hiking and camping in the mountains.

Now, all we need to happen here is that we need to know that this is a loving couple.

They've got a kid.

They're out camping, and the husband gets zooped by aliens right which makes it insane that we spend nine goddamn minutes on their banal dialogue here about him shaving you ever go to someone's wedding and their vows make you realize that they're philosophical zombies who really only love each other in a theoretical sense the way kindergartners can get married that's what the dialogue of this scene is Well, the realistic line of hand me your handkerchief, which all 20-year-olds say to each other all the time.

It's like, oh, yeah, it is, it is 1935, after all.

Right.

Yeah, exactly.

Who would be caught dead without their handkerchief?

Without a handkerchief.

Okay, thanks.

So, yeah, so he's like, well, you know, I get better signal down by the river.

I'll go call our daughter there.

On my Blackberry, by the way, which is modern day, modern day Blackberry.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

So, oh, and during this conversation, they're like, you know, our daughter sure does like going to church with her grandparents.

She sure is a very Christian kid and very intelligent.

Christians are really smart,

right?

We're going to emphasize that several more times in the film, but this is where we introduce it.

And then we time cut to sometime later, the wife is packed up all of the tent and everything, and she's still waiting for her husband to come back.

What is he?

Got abducted by aliens?

As she should, as a beautiful wife, as she should.

Honestly, get to work.

Clearly, the fact that she's not just a skeleton waiting in that lawn chair shows her impropriety, honestly.

So, yeah, so she's waited long enough.

And so she goes to look for her husband.

And she finds, there's this stupid fucking moment.

She finds his hat and his phone.

And she's like, oh, where could he be?

But he's like, he's four feet away.

You would just see him first, wouldn't you?

I got to stop reacting to things my eyes have seen 40% of the way up my vision plane and do the full

screen.

100%.

The full scan across the entire horizon and then react.

And then did you get that he had a beard?

Did you see that he he had a beard?

Because his beard was there, even though the shaving scene was before to make sure we knew he wouldn't have a beard the previous scene.

Now he has a beard because previously he was shaving.

He cut himself shaving.

Did you get that?

That he was shaving and now he has a beard because time has gone by.

Did you get that?

Did you get it?

Did you get the beard?

What I love the most about this scene is that it's like because that's what they're trying to establish, right?

Oh, it's been, you know, he was just clean shaven and now he's got a beard.

He's only been gone an hour.

What has happened?

But the, but his beard is like very well maintained, right?

It's not like the scraggly grew out for a week beard.

It's all trimmed and pretty.

Yeah.

So he got attacked, we're going to learn in a second, by an alien, a beard-growing alien who grew the beard with like time warping on this guy, but then trimmed it nicely for him and put him back.

Yes.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Well, it's got to look good when you bring someone back to Earth.

You know, you want to just, you know, you want to represent your culture in a positive way.

I think the beard just is more representational of the relationship that he has with his wife, if you you know what I'm saying.

Oh, all right, then.

Yeah.

I was picturing the sort of classic, you know, encounters of the fourth kind scene with the aliens and the probes, and then it flashcuts to just him at a problematic barbershop with alien being like, here's the thing about Hillary, I could never get over.

And he's like,

hey, let me get back on Yelm.

I'd prefer the gossamer from Warner Brothers.

You know, humans make such interesting people.

Hey, can you just leave the neck?

That'd be perfect for me.

Yeah, exactly.

So then, okay, so now we're going to cut to the archaeology professor from earlier.

He's going to see his buddy Pierre to talk to him about this amazing find that they made at the Cahokia Mounts, right?

And again, I know this isn't the plot of the scene, but I do need to dwell on it because it is the thing I have thought about the most.

When he opens the door to his friend, he asks him, the usual?

Yes.

And he's like, yep.

And he brings him a beer.

A diet chest of vanilla sarsaparilla, please.

Yeah.

It seems to be the usual is like an IBC root beer or sarsaparilla or something like that yeah oh i mean heath drinks every time he comes over i don't i don't ask for the you i don't offer the usual as a result maybe i should maybe i'm missing out anna offers the usual and we drink scotch together she does and then you guys drink that's true yeah so yeah so he's like he's like peter i got to tell you about this i had an experience and i'm not really sure what to make of it But he didn't, though.

He found a thing that went missing.

What he'll explain is that he found this tablet, which we've seen.

and he's like, well, you know, I've got a rubbing of it right here.

Right there's the giveaway, though.

I've had this experience.

Let me show you my rubbing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It really plays like he's trying to talk him into some fuck stuff.

No question.

Totally.

It's the first scene of the DVD before the action happens.

Exactly.

The rubbing, the sarsaparilla.

Totally.

That stuff going on.

Rubbing, doorknobs.

I mean, come on.

And then he says, he says to him, this line is so stupid.

I apologize, but I've got to dwell on this for a second.

He says, you know, what we know of the Cahokia Indians is that they buried their cities.

What if they were trying to hide them?

This is so fucking stupid.

The Cahokia Indians didn't bury their goddamn cities.

They showed up in a place where the city, like old-ass cities were and had been buried by time and just lived there.

These weren't even fucking Cahokian goddamn cities.

It's such a stupid, you have to misinterpret and misread so much to even write that line.

Also, burying is hiding.

So like if that's what they were doing, they do.

Yeah, right, right.

But he's trying to present it like he's this like fascinating historian.

Like, what if instead of burying, they were hiding, what if I told you more pauses, the future pauses, bigger pause, come on.

Sorry, the future.

Yeah.

Wait for it.

He's gone.

Is now is now.

I was going to say is now.

I was just going to say that.

Well, he said, instead of burying their dead, they buried their cities.

And I was like, like Detroit?

Yeah, right.

It's coming up on the bounce.

And he goes, Pete, who's supposed to be an expert on both aliens and sumerian culture takes a look at it he goes this is cuneiform and i'm like no the it isn't i saw it i put pictures in the goddamn notes of it next to cuneiform cuneiform would be the easiest thing to fake it's all just wedges yeah but the thing we see has multiple Kurt Vonnegut buttholes in it.

It does.

So that's like, butthole is like the in this guy's version of

playing cuneiform.

That's why their games are so so damn colorful.

When he's reading the rubbing, to me, it's like the worst or best dream theater lyrics.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, absolutely.

No question.

Because apparently, Pete can sight read cuneiform.

So he's reading it and he's going, like, oh, beware of the Anunnaki.

They're coming to get you or whatever.

The darkness of the city will go through the sky.

Of the light will be darkness of the sky.

Run, the sky, run.

The moment I heard Anunnaki, by the way, I was like, cool.

The movie thinks the Fed is a Ponzi scheme and it's an anti-vaxxer and it's my really good friend.

And I'm going to have to talk to it for the next two hours.

Yeah, right.

No, this is Zachariah sitchin' bullshit that we're getting.

They have to explain that the Anaki, Anunnaki are the high gods of the Sumerians, but there's also the Agigi, which are the younger, cooler gods.

They're a little bit more hip.

They get it.

They get it.

They're also Quagmeyer's favorite gods.

Constantly summing up.

All right.

Fake aliens.

All right.

By the way, dove.org, you know, the warnings they do.

We've talked about a few times.

Yeah.

They warned about almost nothing in this movie.

One thing they had was language.

It says fools one.

So apparently they used

fools once, and that was their language warning.

Okay.

What Christian dad leapt to his feet and smashed a hole in a television when the CV said fools, that dove.org incorporated that into their work.

Somebody, somebody,

not none.

And the other warning I saw from Dove was that there is the mention of ancient Sumerian multiple gods, which is obviously blasphemous.

They got to hide that shit from the kids.

Yeah.

Right.

So, well, and then here's one that'll really get the Dove people freaked out.

Pete says, oh, you know, that thing from the cuneiform from the fake cuneiform sounds an awful lot like this thing from the Bible.

And Ted, the archaeologist goes huh the bible is just another book of myths you know so we're supposed to gasp at that right and the best part is the counter that he's supposed to do that he's like well you know other books like

enoch also talk about

yeah it's always a good sign when you're referencing other books enoch the bible yes right dove.org enoch huh

this scene also starts the nice thing where whenever one of the characters is doing an extended exposition, they're looking off camera and obviously reading.

Yes.

Obviously reading their lines for the three minutes of the exposition that's happening.

Oh, it's delicious.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, big time.

But so he tells Ted all about the watchers who are the alien gods who watch over us and give us periodic tank upgrades or whatever in case we ever have to fight the Anunnaki.

So that's what we're setting up here.

And I wrote my notes, wow, we're tossing out a lot of crazy in a short period of time.

It's wall to wall tossing out crazy from here, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Before we leave the house, I don't know if you guys noticed, but like every good 20-year-old's house, he has a photo of Mr.

Olson, the shopkeeper from Little House on the Prairie on his wall.

Obviously, yeah, no.

I didn't see that.

What are these photos?

Like, you're 22.

What are you putting on your walls?

Oh, my God.

Yeah, go figure the mind of Titus Young Wolverton.

Try, try.

So, okay.

So now it's time to meet Uncle Josh, the pious old fisherman that lives in a cabin out in the woods, right?

How do you know he's pious?

Because the scene starts with like, Lulu Lou, wise old pious Christian guy who understands the universe doing fish and stuff.

Lulu Lou, my favorite stuff is wise Christian stuff.

He's speaking entirely in sections of Gander Mountain I would rather not think about.

For God so loved the fisherman.

Okay, I know how you voted.

Yeah, let's

don't you though.

Yeah.

Let's just go to the guns.

But again, the first 90 seconds is just setting up this whole bear porn vibe.

Yep.

Yep.

I felt that.

He's like, oh, I'm all by myself in the woods here and completely

homeless here.

Yeah.

I would choose a man and a bear right now.

And then it was up to me.

I wish someone could stretch something out here for me.

Well, and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, another guy appears and stands insanely close to him for the entirety of their conversation.

I know it's just like the, you know, like, hey, look, guys, I can only get the camera so far without stepping into the water kind of a thing, but the two of them are going to stand so goddamn close the whole time.

If they were any closer, they'd need a condom.

My dad says I can use his camcorder, but not if I affect the Zoom.

So

Ethan, I'm going to need you to sit in his lap.

Yeah.

And why is Uncle Josh here?

He treats this like it's a totally normal thing.

A guy like zoops in

three feet from him.

His face is right there.

The guy's like, hello.

I'm not a secret guardian named Ward.

And he's like,

cool, me neither.

What's up?

I didn't think you were.

I'm just fishing.

What did you guys all think when you saw Ethan first appear?

Like, what was the first thought that popped into your heads?

Because I was like, that's the guy who's got roofies at the music.

No.

Okay.

I thought immediately, I was like, oh, a 90s porn star is here.

Interesting.

What's going to happen next?

I'm so boring.

I thought, I bet he's the guardian angel.

Yeah, I thought that's Jesus.

That's Jesus.

Okay.

Look at that haircut.

That's Jesus.

His name is Ward.

I mean, come on.

So you shot a little too high there, but you were in the right.

You were aiming in the right direction.

So, okay.

Much like Uncle John.

Much like the 90s porn.

Shooting a little too high, but it's good.

Into camera.

It's fine.

So, but they, as he's fishing, he suddenly accidentally catches two fish at the same time.

So he's like, hey, you want to eat fish with me?

He's like, I thought you'd never ask.

So they go inside.

They're going to eat fish together.

Like, why would they even do, like, why would you add that?

Why?

Oh, let's, you know, we have to have have them come to dinner.

Like, just one fish, you could share a fish, but no, we're going to magically catch two fishes and then, like, never talk about it again, right?

Like, who has ever caught two fish at once?

It's never happened.

Well, Jesus is multiplying his fishes, I'm sure.

I guess, but holy crap, like, why would you put that in the script?

It's so, so unnecessary.

And, and, and honestly, like, back up a little bit from that.

Like, why would you change scenes here?

They're just going to go inside and have another, like, they're going to have more of this same fucking conversation.

So, why do we need a second scene at all we've rented this cabin we're going to use the goddamn goddamn it yeah it started raining or yeah exactly but so they start talking about pete this is pete's uncle pete is the sumerian alien expert that we just met And the conversation works its way around to how Josh believes himself to be both a man of science and a man of faith, since those two things line up so perfectly all the time.

Why does everybody always put an or there?

But Peter doesn't agree with him.

Peter has wandered away from the true teachings of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, because he's learned about aliens and stuff.

And they set up this incredibly sloppy, like, I knew Peter intro when they met in the scene previously, but the script will sort of slide in and out of that as the writer chooses, right?

Sometimes he'll be telling the story, and sometimes Ethan will be like, yes.

And also, Peter told me that you helped him a lot when his mother died.

Yeah.

You go now with the

And tag.

Well, and so at this point, the movie will set up sort of its, I guess, its thesis, right?

Because Josh will be like, well, you know, all this ancient astronaut stuff is a bunch of pseudoscience.

And I'm like, right, no, it is.

And he's like, it's angels from heaven.

I'm like, oh, no, though.

There's also, there's a great accidental moment here where Ethan says, you know, we are in strange times.

It will not be long before he comes.

That's the actual line.

And then the tea kettle goes off, right?

It starts whistling.

But at the for like just a second, it sounds like Josh building up for a belly laugh at what an insane and stupid thing to say that is.

It's like when Eli gets too excited.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

And then Josh walks out of the cabin to look for Ethan, and he looks up into the sky.

Yes.

Like you do when you're going to look for a person that just walked out of your house.

Right, what?

Ethan Batman's away when he goes to check the tea kettle.

He comes back and he's like, Ethan, where'd you go?

And he looks like two places and then he just looks up in the sky and says, must be an angel.

I'm like, you didn't even check the bathroom, man.

Oh, he's in the car.

Oh, okay.

That's probably his car.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, I'll tell you what.

We've got a break to take, but we're going to keep it brief so that Josh doesn't think we got zooped back to heaven.

Hey, Heath, are you connected to the hotel Wi-Fi?

Yeah.

Okay.

Can you look up the menu for the restaurant tonight?

Sure.

Just let me turn on Express VPN.

A VPN service?

Seriously, Heath?

What are you?

Looking for the menu on the deep web?

No, Eli, a VPN, like the one from ExpressVPN, creates a secure encrypted tunnel between your device and the internet.

It's just being safe.

Safe.

I heard that hackers can still break into your house and hold a gun to your head for your password.

So a VPN basically doesn't do anything.

Okay, that's a weird specific worry you got there.

And no, a VPN can't protect your data from everything, but it's a great measure to take for yourself, like a lock on your door.

Whatever.

I don't have time to install a double super secret security lock on my computer's master drive or whatever you had to do to get the

VPN.

ExpressVPN is actually super easy to use.

You can fire up the app and click one button to get protected.

Plus, it works on all your devices, phones, laptops, tablets, and more.

So you can stay secure on the go.

That's why it's rated number one by top tech reviewers like CNET and The Verge.

Okay.

Well, maybe I'm interested in ExpressVPN.

Where do I sign up?

Secure your online data today by visiting expressvpn.com/slash awful.

That's expressvpn.com/slash awful.

And you can get an extra four months free.

Expressvpn.com slash awful.

Express VPN, untraceable to everyone on earth, no matter what, forever.

Nope, just a good idea, man.

Like a spy ninja.

Sure.

All right, everyone.

I call to order this meeting of the screenwriters who have obviously never read their script out loud.

Everybody ready?

Yeah, I'm totally ready.

All right.

Who'd like to go first?

Okay, I'll go.

So I've got this scene from my comedy.

And Dan, Chris, you mind reading for me?

Oh, sure, sure.

When you say throw, do you mean through?

I'd have to throw through the rough.

It's better when you you read that.

No, no, I think it's really good.

No, I thought it was hilarious.

Yeah, I liked it.

So, um, Dave, do you have something?

Oh, yeah.

I was wondering what you guys thought of this dialogue for my TV show.

Uh, Alan, Chris, do you guys mind reading it?

Sure, sure.

Are you thinking what I'm thinning?

It depends.

I'm thinning your thinking.

I'm thinking a lot of things these days.

Dude, that is literally perfect.

No notes, man.

That's fantastic.

So good.

Awesome.

Awesome.

Guys, I'm sorry.

I hate to cut things short, but I actually have my erotica written by men who have never shown even a passing interest in what women want sexually meeting here in just a second.

Oh,

I'm actually coming to that.

Yeah, me too, actually.

Oh, is your guys' stuff all about weird squirrel butt stuff?

Yes.

Me too.

Okay, nice.

Weird.

And we're back for more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the action three years later with Ted the archaeologist being held hostage by a gunman.

Okay.

And that's what it feels like, by the way.

We're 24 minutes into the movie and I'm already like, oh, we're three years in.

Yeah.

Right.

It's weird for that angel guy, Ethan, to have bad timing on the advice that he gave, isn't it?

Sure.

You would think he'd have some all-knowing help there.

Yeah.

But Ted the archaeologist gets shot.

We don't see who shoots him.

And then we cut to a high-level classified meeting with the president.

And in this world, the president is a black lady, and I would like to indulge in that fantasy for a little while.

Yeah, you and me both.

No illusions.

You and me both.

But she's meeting with the alien ambassador add-on to let him know that they've detected two alien teleportations.

She's also meeting him in an AMC cinema's theater.

You look at the lobby.

The president just cannot get a nice meeting place.

Cannot get a good meeting place.

Can't catch a break.

40 years later, later, they're still meeting in these shitty places.

It's crazy, so

so yeah, but but the alien explains that these teleportations didn't come from the Agigi, they can only come from the Anunnaki.

All right,

I just honestly, okay, so I'm a bit of a nerd for Sumerian mythology, and I am a firm believer that Sumerian mythology is forever hamstrung by how silly their language sounds to us, right?

Agigi, Inana, Pazuzu, Humbaba.

You can't be scared of Humbaba.

Give me a fucking break.

All right.

So anyway, sorry.

They do pray to Jerry Lewis, though, so it all works out.

Humbaba.

I gigio the person.

My cuneifor is hard to reading with the words.

It's an epic battle between good and evil.

I am Pazuzu.

Sorry.

So they explained that one of the teleportations was to Ted's house, the archaeologist.

The other one was just outside of a paramilitary group called the Soldiers of Light, who've actually unlocked the secret code to alien communication.

In any other movie, you hear of about a goddamn militia called the Soldiers of Light, and you're like, oh, those are the ones that kidnapped the president's daughter or whatever.

And Gretchen Whitmer, yeah.

Right.

Janet Reno ran a tank into their wall.

I remember watching that on the no.

They want to be persecuted so bad.

They had to make up evil aliens to have it work this time.

So stupid.

I always thought the Soldiers of light had half the calories of regular soldiers.

But they give you terrible diarrhea because when you have a lot of fun.

Yeah, and they have an aftertaste.

It's just not worth it.

Headaches.

A lot of Elestra in these Soldiers of Light.

But they are less filling.

So yeah, but the president tells the alien that before he died, Ted told Pete about the rubbing, about the cuneiform, the fake cuneiform.

And so that's how we know that Pete.

is in great danger.

So, okay, so then we cut to Soldiers of Light hq

which is clearly a fucking loading bay they didn't have permission to shoot at and we get my best worst we get this lady this is jenny and she is like using their voice activated computer right but she hears some dogs barking so she goes to check that out leaving the computer open and an evil alien demon guy comes in and like fakes her voice terminator style.

I would have loved to be there when that demon had to go back to home base and be like, so I think for this one, I'm going to need, you know, my fiery sword for murder and my, you know, instant swoosh abilities.

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

Lady voice.

I'm going to need a lady voice too.

You need a lady voice?

Yeah, connection.

I love that they so obviously use that actor's headshot for her computer profile.

Yes.

Like so obviously her headshot, which is fantastic.

Well, and the best part of that to me is that he goes, like, I want to look up this lady, Sarah, whatever.

And it cycles through like eight or nine pictures pictures before it lands on Sarah's.

And like, A, why would the computer cycle?

Like, it's flipping through them.

And two, why was it all lady pictures?

Okay.

Don't, don't question AI.

Don't question.

It's a weird problem.

Said like a man who has not tried to use Siri.

Okay, why is this like super smart mainframe computer?

It's voice activated.

It's super secure.

It hears just a dude, like a demon dude start talking and then he switches voices mid-sentence and the computer's like, oh, hi, Jenny.

I, you sounded like a guy.

It's cool.

It's cool.

I'll get you right in.

So weird.

You sounded like a demon guy.

Wait, we forgot to mention that when the scene starts, it says hard in Montana, which is, I think, what they have on their license plates.

Right.

Hard in Montana.

So, yeah, I'm wrong.

You see that?

How that works?

You see that?

It's a pain in the butte.

Well done.

Well done.

There you go.

Amazing.

Five points.

Way to yes, and

so it also, she, so the alien starts asking about various people in their database, and the computer just tells you like random blurbs about them.

Pulling up all plot-relevant information about the following people.

Enjoys vanilla ice cream.

Yes.

What?

What does it have to do with what?

He asks about the woman and Sarah, and he's like, yeah, Sarah such-and-such lives at such-and-such.

Her husband died of cancer from being beamed around by aliens so much.

Prefers to use flak as opposed to MP3s.

Yeah, right, yeah, right.

And then they're like, and he's like, tell me about the daughter.

By the way, this is where we learned that the mother and daughter are Sarah and Kara.

Great writing, guys.

But the computer's like, Kara such-and-such lives with her mom.

Her IQ is 180.

I'm like, why didn't you tell us everybody else's IQs?

Are they embarrassed?

What?

Why?

Hey, this is a weird side note, but I do want to dwell for a moment,

if I may, hold me in the light.

Why is everyone who lies about having a genius IQ do 180?

It's always 180.

100% of the time.

Oh, see, I usually get, I usually hear just over 200s when people are making shit up.

Oh,

interesting.

So I get scammed by a slightly smart smarter group of people.

It's because they know you're smart.

And I'm like, yeah, that number is higher than 100, which is as high as you can get on that test.

So good for you.

I'll prove it right now.

Horse, TV, something,

hold on, camera.

iPod.

So yeah.

So, but the computer also explains, not only does it tell us the girls IQ, it tells us that she's very religious and that that's because of the influence of her grandparents.

Why would it know?

And also because she's so smart.

Oh, that's weird Excel sheet they've got boxes in.

Yeah, exactly.

So then, okay, and then we cut outside where the militia is showing up and all of these guys showing up to flank each other in that long bucket row.

She runs out there and she gets the members of smash mouth to come help her yeah

it's a slot team from the government they're wearing like vans slip-ons they're doing dibros and smashing into each other at the wrong angles

this paintball team has ruined so many 15th birthdays guys you have no way with their squad tactics

So they all come in.

They tell him to freeze.

He pulls out a sword.

From where?

Your guess is as good as mine because he didn't have it a minute ago.

From his colon in the title.

Yeah, right, right, yeah.

Yes.

So he pulls out his sword and he's like, and they're like, we're going to shoot you.

And then his sword catches fire.

And of course, they don't have the money or the skill to do the scene that they're promising us here.

So then we just cut outside and sort of back away as we hear gunfire and people screaming.

Well, it's another example of a DEI security hire.

Not qualified.

But then the alien leaves.

He takes care of the militia or whatever.

We see him walking away, wiping the blood from his fire sword.

Hey, I have a question about wiping the blood from your sword.

I see people do that a lot in movies.

Is that what needs to be done right away activity?

Is it like when you do raw chicken with one of your good chefs?

Yeah, probably.

Yeah, probably.

Yeah, it's probably by Carrie's disease.

It feels rather ninny picky for a thing for like samurai films.

You're going to get the hard water spots on it if it's

right, right?

Well, there's also that whole demon salmonella thing which is yeah i'm excited

so

so meanwhile okay so we have this completely useless scene of pete arriving home and having a glass of milk it's so weird which right away like oh can you imagine the morning breath on this guy like by his nightstand is a glass of milk just gargling some cottage tree what are you for are you kidding

Can I tell you guys, I couldn't remember.

I know we've talked about this and I have a hot take about it.

I don't remember what mine is.

So I was like, good.

Yeah.

No, I don't remember it either.

So, okay.

But now what they're trying to do is like create some suspense because there's someone in the house with Pete, right?

But we're not, so we're just seeing a silhouette as somebody moves away and, you know, that, that kind of stuff.

But it turns out ultimately that it's the guardian angel from earlier who's just watching him, right?

Yeah, and breathing heavy in the corner.

He just pours out the rest of the milk.

Yeah, right.

This is gross.

I'm going to wash this.

Guardian angel of cholesterol.

So then we okay.

So then we cut to the NSA.

What you might ask, but yes, we cut to the NSA.

And these two NSA officers get an assignment that they've got to go get Pete and put him in protective custody from the aliens.

Okay, so first of all, the movie thinks the NSA is the FBI and we'll be doing a bunch of people.

They do protective custody.

They do nerds who do cryptography.

Like, so stupid.

But yeah, they get the presidential protective order for Peter.

And we see the order for a second.

It says occupation, professor of archaeology and urology.

And I was like, wait, what?

Not that.

You definitely don't mean that.

So, so wait, they tried to type out ufology and it just auto-corrected to you.

Talk about a glass of milk.

Oh my

wow hey george if it looks like milk we should stop the podcast right now and you should go to the hospital man like right now oh okay that probably explains a lot yeah

i love that the guy that's playing the nsa hard ass looks like a teamu ben affleck

yes this is bast and they know him as by the book bast

because he's so by the book and and we always need more new characters an hour into a movie which is oh my god Yes, absolutely.

Please.

So main characters, as it turns out.

Yes.

So then, okay, so now we're going to cut over to Sarah serving breakfast to her daughter and serving breakfast to your daughter.

That is universal Christian movie language for she's a good mom, right?

That's how you know a good mom in a Christian movie.

Yes.

And if I may step in once again with a thing that is not related to the movie, but that haunts me to my very soul.

She gives Kara her cooked pancakes and Kara is like, can I have some batter?

And she's like, maybe if you're good.

And they never discuss why she wants uncooked pancakes.

It's not like fucking cookies, it's different.

She just drinks it.

The movie never, I'm not crazy, right?

I didn't imagine that scene.

Yeah,

it's just like a flower.

Oh, fuck.

I imagined it.

You guys are doing that quiet thing where I imagine part of the movie again.

Podcast listener, come for me.

This is like the shoot from the hip in that movie we watched.

Just eating batter and taking like big sips of maple syrup right out of the thing.

I don't have time to cook this shit.

It did remind me of the greatest breakfast prank I've ever played on Heath, but you have to listen to the Patreon bonus extras over on our sister shows to know.

You did.

You did enjoy it.

Heath hates me as a result.

That's not why.

It's amazing that the actress that played the little girl growed up to be Selena Gomez.

I know, right?

So is that what happened?

Equal acting skills.

You would never see that happen again.

Stop trying to make me watch Selena Gomez some things.

So, okay, so, but then mom looks out the window and sword guy is there, the guy with the fire sword from earlier.

So she goes, she turns to the kids.

She's like, hey, have you seen anybody like standing around with flaming swords like at school or around the house or anything?

Really wanted a flash cut to her, like taking a math quiz.

And she looks up and at the front of the room, there's a guy with a flaming sword.

And she's like,

yes.

That's mine.

Oh, did you guys catch the subtle product placement of this guy's other movie that was sitting on this lady's table?

I did not.

Oh, when she goes to get like the gun or whatever, there's a copy, a DVD copy of this guy's other award-winning documentary on grieving.

Oh,

it's very subtle there, I guess.

It's going to help us deal with this film.

Yeah, right.

Help him deal with his career.

Are you trying to recover from my latest movie?

Well, how about an earlier film?

And then she just happens to have a loaded Glock 380 auto on her.

Like,

where did that come from?

In her waistband, she just happens to have this gun as she's serving pancakes to her daughter, who just came off of a Margaret Kane painted.

It's amazing.

And only six shots.

She takes six shots and runs out.

One of those things that have like 14 shots.

You would expect.

Well, she was shooting at some beer bottles out by the house earlier.

That's how she makes the batter.

It's a whole special thing.

Mom, I want more bullet batter, please.

So, yeah, so the sword guy yells at her and she pulls out a gun.

The kid looks at the alien and can see his alienness, right?

She knows an alien when she sees one.

So, mom empties the clip into him and has no effect, except that I guess it gives Kara a head start running away.

Yeah, I think that more people should take advantage of like demon and aliens' dramatic pauses in films, right?

Because they always feel obligated to do that, like, I let you shoot me and you can see I'm unharmed thing.

I would just be like, oh, no, blam, blam, blam, still not convinced, blam, blam, blam, blam, blam.

No, no, no, you got to stand there for a while.

Yeah, right, yeah, exactly.

So, mom runs away, and I guess,

I guess, sword guy just lets him go.

I think I've proved my point here.

Yeah, right.

So Ethan shows up.

I guess maybe he can't attack him when Ethan's there.

Ethan's like base or something.

I think that those demons have a very strong union.

Oh, right.

So he's probably at his 50s.

It's like right off the clock in the 15th.

That's it.

I'm on lunch.

There you go.

So, but then like mom falls and Ethan comes to help her up and then she passes out, but then she immediately wakes up and it's another scene.

And we're like, why the fuck would you have her pass out then?

Mom, mom, wake up.

We charged the camera's battery.

So yeah, but so mom wakes up.

She's like, oh, that guy, Ethan, is an alien.

And the kid says, no, he's a benai Eloim.

Yeah.

I was pretty uncomfortable with all the Hebrew pronunciation that happens in this movie.

A letter, leta.

There's a lot of unnecessary in there.

Like someone's trying to make me feel welcome in their home yeah so

so okay so then we so she says i know where to go mom you know i'll meet you in a later scene so then we cut to pete he's showing up at uncle josh's cabin in the woods and they have some like fishing dialogue well there's there's the opening dialogue which is great where he says how are things at the university and he says i'm a full professor and then the uncle says i know And I'm like, well, then why the fuck did you ask?

Yeah, right.

Honestly.

I was testing you.

Seeing if if you were going to lie.

Well, but that's just the thing about this movie, though, right?

Like, so 90% of the time when characters are talking, they are just expositing, right?

They're just talking about the plot.

The other 10% of the time, you wish they'd just get back to talking about the plot because it is so fucking bad, right?

Yeah.

So, but Pete explains that he's there because he had three dreams last night and he needs Uncle Josh to interpret all three of them in a row.

Okay, I wrote this in my notes towards the end of the scene, but imagine how badly written your movie has to be to take three, count them three

unseen dreams to move a character from one place to the other.

Well, and also like, why are these unseen?

Right?

Because he's like, in dream one, you were like pointing out constellations to me.

You pointed at Pleiades and stuff.

And I'm like, why not a doodle-y dude?

Could you not get the rights to the fucking Pleiades?

Bitch Pleiades.

Has a drum circle to get to by 7 p.m.

So, oh, okay.

Well, that must be it.

And isn't it like if you have three dreams in a row, isn't that one dream?

I would say so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, what?

Why is this three?

Like, no, it's three scenes in a dream.

Right.

Fine.

Yeah.

He says, and then, and then in dream two, we were playing Scrabble.

And I had the same thought.

I'm like, well, then, no, then later in the dream, you were playing Scrabble.

And this is maybe the laziest puzzle in the history of puzzles, right?

Because he's like, I remember we were playing Scrabble, and the words on the table were Orion, stars, seven, sang, sisters, morning, run,

job,

Jesus Christ.

Script supervisor.

And then you made Enunaki our alien demons beware, Christ is God.

So what do you think that means?

What do you think that means?

Do you think it's about being afraid of growing old?

Well, and then, as stupid as this is, Uncle Josh gets it wrong.

He says, No, no, no, the last word wasn't job, it would have been job.

And I'm like, No, because proper nouns aren't valid Scrabble words, they would have to be job.

No,

he didn't describe it, but they're having a really bitter fight about that in the middle.

Oh, interesting, yeah, later in the dream.

You say Job out loud, and I say challenge.

That technically, yeah, that's that's a proper, yeah, right.

It's not, and then what does it mean if I'm making out with my mom?

Yeah,

so but then he's like, He's like, you know, know, all of those words appear in this passage that I just happened to have my Bible open to in the book of Job.

Yeah, the Bible next to next to his Glock 380 off.

Yeah, right, right.

Right there, right in his waistband.

Yep, everybody's got what they need right up their ass when they need it.

And he reads, okay, I'm sorry.

He reads from the single most unhinged passage in the entire goddamn Bible.

This is a passage that Ezekiel could only dream of.

This is the fucking opening the doors of his face scene, like the rant that God gives to Job at the end of Job.

That was just, that's what he's reading from.

I'm like, oh, we're getting deep into the nuts today.

If I may quote from that book of wisdom, the great Santini, you want to be the man of the house?

For the younger members of our audience, we had a book that we read in high school about how your abusive dad will kill himself someday to make it okay.

If only.

And then we get dream three.

And like, we should also point out that none of these are necessary, but, but, but in dream three, they had an argument about whether science and religion were compatible.

Yeah, they're not.

Nope.

They're like almost literal opposites, faith and science.

Yeah, pretty close.

So then, okay, so then we get a knock on the door, and it's the NSA here to take Pete into protective custody.

And we see as they're doing this, sword guy is watching from the woods, Like, oh, they got to him too quickly, but

he's bulletproof and has a fire sword.

So, no, they didn't.

I think I have a theory.

I developed a theory at this moment, which is that sword fire demon is shy.

Okay.

I thought maybe he was like quiet quitting.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Ooh, sure.

Yeah.

Or he's honest.

Yeah.

No, he does have the

black hoodie, hides his eyes a lot.

I can see that being sort of goth shy.

Yeah.

Sure.

Okay.

The Department of Demon Efficiency is just doing a lot of firings.

Yeah, I'm not right.

I'm not putting a bunch of effort in.

I'm probably getting fired.

So then, so Uncle Josh sees him off.

He's like, oh, I'm sure the NSA has your best interest in mine.

I'll pray for you.

So they drive off.

And as they do, Ethan appears behind Josh again.

And he's like,

yeah.

He's doing that.

Do you think Ethan tried it for a few hundred years where he would like poof like six or seven feet away and turn a corner and be like oh hello yeah comes ethan oh i gotta do the batman thing so okay so then the nsa take pete to the motel six right and i just i i'm saying it just straight up like that because both heath and i independently wrote in our notes the nsa safe house is a motel six so yeah the hampton in by sinesta yeah that's great

So yeah, so they bring him in and they tell him about Ted.

They're like, Ted got murdered earlier in the movie.

And he's like, oh it's a shame they're like you know did ted do any like cool malicious stuff and they're like he's like no no nothing like that yeah yeah he says ted was a political archaeologist or an archaeopteryx

i thought he said apolitical archaeologists yes so like yeah as opposed to those polarized archaeologists that nobody likes all of those mega scientists i was gonna say yeah reading directly from the firing orders of our current executive branch yeah so you're saying none of the dinosaurs were demon political check yeah right

ted cruise is coming for you big boy i'm sending big t for you big tp pants that's what we call them here at the office but they yeah but they tell him that you know someone will contact him shortly right he says a government official and he goes an official from the government it's like yes oh yeah that's what a government official is yeah you're okay this wasn't like a riddly part of what i was saying i literally just what i said i'm not i'm not telling you about my dream this was an actual thing that's usually the way someone interacts with me before they vomit on my shoes and pass out you okay

and then okay and then uh kara and sarah show up at josh's cabin i guess that's where i guess we're to believe that that mom just drove the whole way with Kara Google maps in it.

You know, just, oh, you know, in 200 feet, you're going to want to be in the right lane.

Oh, yes.

She's got a 180 IQ.

Come on.

Crazy billionaire remake.

It's just that entire drive with Kara being like, I said soft left.

Well, you got to be more specific.

Hold on.

I'm going to call the angel.

Hey, Ethan, drop a pin real quick.

Yeah, right, right.

All right.

So, but they get there, and the mom's like, are you sure this is the right place?

Because we just pulled up to somebody's fucking house in the middle of the woods.

And she's like, yep.

And she runs out of the car.

And what she's been told to do by the director is to physically run into Josh and to the actor playing Josh, but she hasn't been told not to stare directly at him as she runs towards him.

So you just get this fucking amazing wide-eyed run smack into the guy like she meant to tackle him but forgot kind of thing.

Which is also the most physical contact that actors had probably in six months.

No, that's true.

Yeah, it's probably true.

He can't hug.

He's too manly for them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, here's the thing, though.

They've never met.

Kara and Sarah, so stupid.

They've never met Uncle Josh.

Ethan set this thing up and like guided Kara to find this cabin.

So the angels' plan, which would be God's plan, I suppose, to save the world in this epic battle between good and evil with nuclear weapons and the U.S.

government involved is connecting up an old fisherman guy with a pretty smart nine-year-old.

Yes.

Not telling them a plan, making it so like they can just sort of figure something out.

Yeah, they, yeah.

That's how they that's how they made YouTube.

That's fair.

So, okay, so but they meet and they both know Ethan, the Benai Elohim, and then we cut back to the Motel 6,

right?

Which Benny, by the way, whenever I hear Ben Ben Elohim, I always think of like the Yakity Sachs song playing

Benny Hill sequence.

Oh, nice.

It's the Benny Elohim.

All right, that's good.

That much better Bible that we're writing here.

So, okay, so we cut back to the Motel 6.

Adon, the alien ambassador, appears to Peter in a blinding flash of light.

Right?

I wanted him to be like, oh, it's Motel 6.

Cool.

Yeah, right.

If you would have thought, you know, honestly, the president meets in places that are way shittier than this.

You'd be amazed.

You would think.

When you're here, you're a flash of light.

I'm not going to sit down.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I want like a black light before I sit on anything.

But then we get like two interwoven scenes here, right?

So in one scene, Adan the Ambassador is telling the story, doing a bunch of exposition to Pete.

And in the other scene, Uncle Josh is doing a bunch of exposition to Sarah and Kara.

Now, to make this maximally stupid, the alien is lying.

Right?

So the exposition doesn't even line up.

Right.

The alien is telling Pete a lie, and Uncle Josh is telling Sarah and Kara that the aliens are telling lies about being aliens.

And kind of sort of spoilers, but I'm not kidding.

What, 45 seconds before the end of the movie, two characters will clarify that for no fucking reason whatsoever.

This will be like, by the way, um, remember that scene earlier where you were trying to figure out what the fuck was happening in the movie?

That was a

trick.

A trick.

Yeah, exactly.

On you for watching our movie.

And then the dude is explaining this device, this ringding that he has, this interstellar ringding, which he calls an interspace transporter, but he calls it a NIST instead of an Inst or an ITST.

And if it's an interspace, I rewound it to make sure he said NIST.

He says NIST every fucking time.

Yes.

And they don't fix it.

But later on, they call it an it's.

It's an INS or something.

So they never fix it.

Yeah, an interspace transporter, I-T, I-S-T, maybe, but not a NIST.

Yeah, way to go, alien.

Well, this is the same guy who said nuclear, and then later on, when he tries to pronounce Kahokia, he pronounces it Kyokia-Hokan or something like that.

I think he says internaki, too, instead of Anunnaki.

Yep, yep.

Internaki, he turned.

He goes for Sumerian at one point, and he gets Sumerian, like he's dealing with Conan the Barbarian.

He's the George W.

Bush of the Angels.

Yeah, exact opposite.

It's hard to put food on your family.

So, yes, no, you know what?

It's English is not his first language.

fool me don't get fooled again so shame on shame on angels yeah so for the younger members of our podcast audience the president used to be much better spoken his name was george w bush

we used to we used to think that was the worst it could be yep we sure did

such good times i would gargle so many animals balls for george w bush to be president again can you imagine can you imagine like your time traveling self going back to you in 2007 being like no no no you're gonna you're gonna pine for these no no you remember those miss me yet billboards that they put up with a bunch oh yeah i do though now if time traveling me does anything but kill me then he's not me

that's right he's not in it to win it yeah so well there's a lot of people time traveling you could kill i just have to beep it all out so okay so but We get this very long scene where we learn that the aliens are lying about being aliens.

They're actually demons from hell.

And it is entirely unclear what their end game is.

Right.

What's the point?

Yeah.

And will never be described, by the way.

No one will ever.

No.

They'll never do like an evil monologue.

They'll just get caught.

And as though it's in some kind of demon-alien game of manhunt, the minute someone figures it out, they'll be like, oh, fine, I guess I'm leaving.

Yeah, right.

We're done.

Play the Frank Stallone song.

We're done.

Also, the story that the alien is concocting for Pete is just fucking nuts.

It's so fucking stupid.

I could not summarize it.

Like, I literally, I sat here for a while going, like, well, it's my job to summarize this.

I should at least have some kind of indication of what nothing.

I got nothing for this.

Yeah, I think he tried to describe, Adden did, tried to describe to Peter why his friend Dr.

Jameson maybe got killed.

And he claimed that, like, like Dr.

Jameson is actually evil and

there's like these lucrative government contracts that he was trying to get like archaeology yes for archaeology

yes those those cash cows oh it's it's the political archaeology so well yeah musk musk has canceled all of those ones now but yeah yeah

Right.

So, and then we cut back.

We end this at the cabin where like a cheap ass effect floats through the room.

We can't even tell what they're fucking going for.

Everybody runs out of the room and there's a UFO in the sky and it zips away.

Yeah.

And the purpose of this is so that the Christians who made this movie can do the dumbest debunking I've ever heard.

Yep.

Did you guys notice, by the way, that whenever a dramatic scene is about to happen, a dog barks.

Yes.

Yes.

This happens like four times because there's no other way to explain.

They probably couldn't afford a soundtrack.

They're like, oh, just have a fucking dog bark.

That's the thing.

They go back to that well so many times.

Four times a dog barks.

They'll be like, oh, a thing is about to happen.

I better look out the window and see what's going on.

We did the kettle, but it sounded like we were laughing at ourselves.

Yeah, right.

Right.

It's the canine school of script writing.

It's amazing.

All right.

Well, I'll tell you what.

That's the kind of info dump where afterwards you need to flush and open a window.

So we're going to give it a minute to air out.

But first, let me give Act Three the hard sell.

Will Pete serve literally any single function in this movie?

Would the action play out precisely the same if you just removed removed him?

What kind of human being finds this film compelling?

Find out the answers to some of these questions in less.

We'll be returned for the still just sitting around talking about the plot conclusion of The Watcher's Revelation.

All right, I'll show you a thing or two, Mr.

Man.

Eli, what are you doing in Heath's room?

What are you doing in Heath's room?

I'm automating Heath's savings.

Heath, wake up.

They're party voting.

Tell Eli about the savings thing.

Oh, yeah.

I pay Noah to come into my room and steal money out of my wallet as a kind of automated savings.

It's pretty great.

Okay, but Heath, if you want to automate your savings the easy way, why don't you just try Rocket Money?

What's Rocket Money?

No, fair.

You're supposed to be sleepy.

Have more night tears, man.

Get good.

Yeah, no, that's fair.

Whatever.

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

Plus, the new goals feature automatically saves money for you so you don't have to think about it.

Pay off credit card debt, put away money for a house, or just build your savings.

Rocket Money makes it easy.

I don't know.

Will it actually save me money?

Rocket Money has over 5 million users and it saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's premium features.

All right.

You know what?

I'm sold.

Where do I sign up?

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money.

Go to rocketmoney.com/slash awful movies today.

That's rocketmoney.com/slash awful movies.

Rocketmoney.com/slash awful movies.

All right, but Eli, that still doesn't explain why you are in Heath's room.

Oh, I sneak into his room at night and slap him for his many and varied slights against me.

That doesn't wake him up.

Eli's a very light slapper, like a butterfly's kiss, butterfly kiss, exactly.

Where?

Where am I?

You're in hell, sinner.

Get ready to burn in lava forever.

Oh, no.

Hey,

Abatna, you got a second?

Yeah, sure, Satan.

What's up?

Wait, sorry.

I thought you were going to put me in lava.

I will.

I will.

Just give me like five minutes.

Oh.

Just feels like it's not hell if I get a five-minute warning.

Yeah, anyway.

how can I help, Satan?

So

I got a new plan to corrupt the humans, and I was wondering if I could run it past you.

Yeah, shoot.

Okay,

what if we pretend to be aliens, make contact, and then provide them a bunch of futuristic technology?

For

what?

I don't know.

We would get inside the government.

Make people look at their phones more or something.

Seems a little indirect.

You You know, I didn't ask you for notes, okay?

No, he's got a point, though, right?

I mean, can't you just have people sell their soul?

Also, why do you have advanced technology?

I don't know.

I tinker in my free time.

Okay.

Okay.

I mean, to me, it seems a little roundabout.

Like,

top of my head, I think there are better uses of your time, but I guess if you want to do it, go for it.

Sure.

Okay.

I'll try it, but like, not, you know, it won't be my main thing.

Like a side project.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Like a side project.

All right.

Great talk.

Okay.

Are you going to dip me in lava now?

Yes.

Okay.

Lava.

More like eternal damnation minus five minutes.

Sorry, what?

Nothing.

I said, oh, no, lava.

And we're back for still more of this shit.

We're going to rejoin the action with Ethan waking Pete up at the Motel 6.

He's fallen asleep with his Gideons open beside him.

Do we have to?

we have do we really have to i guess yeah man we're almost there it would be a shame we're so close we just

didn't come this far just to come this far speaking of there's nothing better than sit sleeping in a hotel and all of a sudden a person is next to your bed and they say wake yes

wake you need to come with me heath gets it also like wait what we cannot overstate the pedo vibes from this guy completely right from heathen he's just got this very creepy what are you doing there, little girls, to everything that he says.

Yeah, he's on his fourth panel van.

Yeah,

right, exactly.

So, but he's like, he has super angel powers.

So he sneaks Pete past the NSA guard that's watching over his motel room.

We don't even get to appreciate the, like, because they turn invisible and they walk down the hallway.

They don't even walk past the guard.

Like, the guard's not even in the scene.

They're just walking down an empty hallway.

Yes.

Like, what's the point?

At least, like, have that sequence where they magically go past the guard, but no, we can't do that.

I like to imagine that there was no guard there, and Ethan was like, I'm gonna zoop us anyway.

I can, I can do that.

I'm just gonna,

yeah, you just caught him on a bathroom break.

He's like, Well, this is embarrassing.

Yeah, I've got five of these zooms a month.

They don't carry over, so they don't carry over.

Yeah, I overuse, but they released the vegan cheese at all the Taco Bells in the country for a little while, and so I used a bunch of my zoops on bass instead of vegan.

Oh, we have fun, but this is also we're going to jump back over to the cabin where Kara and Uncle Josh are now going to explain to mom that what they just saw could not be an alien spacecraft and could only, in fact, have been an angel flying super fast.

This is the, it's the worst Jackie Mason routine ever.

It's physical.

It's not physical.

I gotta be physical.

It's not physical.

It's going fast.

It's not fast.

Am I going fast?

Are you going fast?

If it's physical, it's not real.

But it's not real, then it's not physical.

But if it's physical, it could be a thing.

It could be going slow.

I don't know.

Is it even a oh shut up it's so awful it's like it's the movie version of you're in an argument on facebook and someone joins on your side who's a fucking crazy person who's like right yeah absolutely and here's the thing about what they put in your blood every time you use ai you've got to be like you're not helping

you're not helping i appreciate it dial back maybe maybe just like do uh like a hype man thing that'd be great right like yeah or just like thumbs up underneath mine maybe just a thumbs up on my posts well because what's going on here what we're actually hearing them, the argument they were making is that the UFO doesn't conform to the laws of physics, and therefore it couldn't be alien spacecraft.

Therefore, it has to be magic

because magic doesn't have to fall.

How could it be a boom?

It's not a boom.

It's got to be fast.

It's not fast.

It's not slow.

If it's not real, it's not physical.

But how could the boom?

If it doesn't go boom, I go boom.

You go boom.

We all go boom.

So

she says, well, it did make a sound.

He goes, uh-huh, a hovering sound.

I'm like, what the fuck is a hovering sound?

And again, that is supposed to lead us to, correct me if I'm wrong, that's supposed to lead us to wings.

Angel wings.

She's supposed to slap her head like she could have gotten a V8 and go, Oh, yes, wings.

Angel wings.

Yes.

And the whole thing is.

Why wouldn't they be wings?

What else could it be?

It's weird.

Wings.

What else?

You got the thing.

It doesn't make a sound.

It's a slapping.

It's a flipping.

It's a flapping.

It's a flipping.

It's angel wings.

And the whole thing is supposed to be Uncle Josh being like, yeah, I'm a man of science.

So let's think about the physics of it.

It must be angel magic because the physics, the light.

It has to be magic, right?

I still want to see that writer's room just like when they got like, Oh, this is gold.

Oh my gosh, we've got those atheists in a corner now.

This is fantastic.

Oh, right, because you know, the rest of the movie was written around this scene.

This is what they were working towards the whole time.

That's how they sold it.

That's how they got all those churches to give all those basements for the scenes in the beginning.

Yeah, yeah, big marker in the the margins.

Check mate.

Underline, underline, underline.

All right.

So meanwhile, Adan is meeting with the president, right?

He's got some good news.

He spoke with the Anunnaki homeworld.

That's Nibiru, by the way, and they promised not to invade anytime soon.

So you can let Pete go.

No need to have him in protective custody.

anymore.

Can I say, it feels like at this point, the demon pretending to be an alien has gotten caught up in his old world building like Patrick Rothfest is just looking.

Fuck.

No, I did tell you the Anunnaki were coming last week when I wanted to go get that vegan Taco Bell cheese.

Okay, so

they're in a war now with the floor ceiling.

What?

Nope, don't write it down.

The

people.

What do you have a fucking

word giving me a safe?

It's the sanitized for your protection angels.

They're called the AMC logo.

So, well, and but here's the fucking dumbest thing about if you try to make sense of any of this, right?

You remember when you like first like it first occurred to you what the Joker's plan in the dark night must have been, like what that must have looked like on the blueprint or whatever.

Like, if you try to do that and try to diagram out what the fuck add-on is doing here, there is no goddamn way to make it add up,

Right?

He's the one that told him to pick Pete up.

He can appear to Pete any fucking where.

Why the fuck would he need to pick him up and then lie to him to get him to let him go?

And why do they let him go?

What, what does he do?

I have a theory, and I want to say it with an open heart.

I think that Adon is bored.

I think he poked gay people with a pitchfork for like 2,000 years or so, and then he was like,

oh, I would love to still be doing that, let me tell you.

But I've got this side project going that uh,

to meet with um

just like a comedian trying to challenge himself by being like, So, the Holocaust, let's start there.

I will dig myself out of this

as a fun game.

I think a Don is like someone's son, and the and like some boss's son.

Oh, there you go, you know what?

There's this weird Earth thing: go to Earth and just, yeah, do some kind of a plan there.

Just, yeah, you'll be, you'll be great.

There's a box of crayons, enjoy going to town.

That makes more sense.

Okay.

All right.

So, okay.

Now the NSA, they go to the Motel 6 to let him go, but it turns out he's missing.

He's disappeared.

Again, poor Diaz.

Diaz was supposed to be watching the room and Diaz just,

they're gone.

I felt so bad for Diaz because, you know, we're dealing with angel magic.

What are you going to do?

Yeah, no, right.

He had no shot at this.

And it's like, because the boss shows up, Bast shows up and he says, when's the the last time you saw him?

He's like, oh, 45 minutes ago.

He's like, no, you're supposed to check him on it every half hour.

And we're like, when he's sleeping?

Apparently, yeah.

Yes.

And he's disappeared.

And he's like, and Bast is like, oh, that's how you screw up.

And I'm like, well, it wouldn't have mattered if you checked him.

15 minutes earlier.

He still would have disappeared.

He used angel magic.

It was angel magic.

There's nothing he could do about that.

There's nothing worse than when your boss like corrects you on something and it happens to be the time that goes wrong.

Yeah, no,

I misapplied the soap dispensers and they blew up and created napalm.

I get it, Craig.

You're 48, man.

Yeah.

And the NSA guy's like, he's probably,

he's like, well, you know, you're probably, they probably went back to Josh's cabin.

And I'm like, well, they'd have to be idiots to go back to the exact place where you picked him up the first time and just stay there, wouldn't they?

Boing.

So we cut back to the cabin.

Smash cut to the cabin.

It's like how if you have a cat that gets away sometimes, sometimes that cat will also just sometimes be at the backyard later.

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

So, but okay, before he gets back, we have to shoehorn in geocaching.

Yes.

And in order to do that, we have to shoehorn in

fucking Kara's Super Future computer that she built.

Hologram computer.

Her hollow computer.

I'm like, no, it's not hollow.

It's full of shit.

What are you talking about?

Hollow computer.

Oh, hollow computer.

Really?

What did they think was missing from geocaching that they felt the need to invent hollow computers in their cinematic universe?

When you buy that app in Final Cut Pro, you're going to use it.

So we can do this hologram thing.

We're going to use the goddamn $100 add-on that we used.

I think a lot of this movie was written around making sure he got his money's worth out of Final Cut Pro.

Yeah, no, that's fair.

There's a fight scene later where they just basically just go through all of the effects alphabetically.

I see some pastor in a coffee meeting when they're trying to get funding for this going, I don't care what's in the movie.

I just at some point, I want a screen you can see through.

Yes.

At some point,

I don't care how it's in.

I want a scene.

I want that like Iron Man kind of thing.

That's what I want.

At some point, work it in.

You get my $1,000 if you work it in.

Yeah, right.

And these hologram moments never work in movies.

They always pop up like a map of something.

Even in Marvel movies, like you're talking about, they pop up a big map.

And everybody's like, I can't really see the

back part.

I don't understand.

Right, because it's see-through.

I'm looking at a bunch of fucking trees.

Why don't we just have a regular goddamn screen?

That would be so much better.

Even if you had a see-through screen, you'd want to black it out for this kind of purpose.

It's so dumb.

But yeah, but she's like, she pulls up her hologram computer and Uncle Josh says, wow, I didn't think they had things like this.

And she's like, I built it.

I have a genius, 180 IQ.

Okay.

I don't know if they still calculate IQs the same way as they did when I was a kid.

When I was a kid, having an 180 IQ at the age of nine would have meant you're as smart as the average 16.2 year old.

Right.

That's not build unseen future computer levels of intelligence.

That's know how to calculate that fucking number intelligence.

At least smart enough to be like, hologram's not going to help at all because I've seen

I might be an outside-the-box thinker, but I still think IQ is really important because it tells you who at this party you don't want to talk to, right?

Anyone,

180 you say it's like a Mensa t-shirt, yeah, right, exactly.

Just above 200, you say, All right, well, excuse me, my wife is about to be kicked in the shin, so I have to go

do that.

So,

so then we cut to the NSA agents.

They're driving out to the cabin, but they'd like to talk about the plot a little bit before they get there.

We'll talk about aliens, whether or not the government's hiding them.

Oh, this is this is when you get a great shot of the Timu Don Efflex ear, and you can see the earring hole that's in his ear.

Oh, I missed it.

Oh, it's great.

It's like, boom, there it is.

Like, look, we'll give you the roll, just you got to take the earrings.

Yeah, there's a right, there's a past there that we're not discussing.

I wish we were.

Oh, yeah.

So, okay, so then Pete gets to the cabin and him and Josh and Sarah and Kara all sit around the table talking about the plot some more.

They sit around the table, which has literally three coffees, one giant glass of water, and five cookies.

Oh, interesting.

Just randomly placed, like, oh, we're having this kind of talk.

Three identical coffee cups, one gigantic glass of water for the little girl, and five cookies.

Because, you know, that's what you do when you talk to people.

Yeah, you throw it.

Josh is a good host.

He's got some cookies.

Yeah.

Guys, how are we dividing up these five cookies?

Like, should it be based on who's the hungriest or just even splits?

That's the problem.

What are we doing?

Because we're going to want to give it to the kid, but you think about it.

She needs it the least.

She's the smallest.

Maybe they're waiting for Elijah.

Like, literally.

Oh,

maybe Ethan wants one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

But then as they're talking, they start discussing how that teleportation machine that Add-on has, that doesn't line up with the laws of physics either.

So that's got to be angel tech too.

It's so funny.

He's like preposterous.

He's teleporting between the spiritual dimension and the physical one.

And everyone in the movie is like, yes, that's a much better explanation.

Ramble, ramble, ramble.

Right.

Well, that's the thing is, because, like, the argument that he's making, because he's like, wormholes, well, that wouldn't make sense.

You'd have to rip open a wormhole in two different places.

It would take an enormous amount of power.

Then somehow you'd have to connect them and they'd only stay open for a fraction of a fraction of a second.

And like we're nodding along, going, yeah, man, like movies generally just kind of like scoot past all that.

And then, but is there for is

angel dimensions.

So, but just then there's a knock on the door.

Uncle John, despite the fact that they're now wanted by both the NSA and Satan, the Prince of Darkness, he just answers the fucking door.

He's like, oh, I wonder who that could be.

Maybe it's a pizza.

Did anybody order a pizza?

But no, of course, it's the NSA guys.

So before we can see what they want, we got to check in on Sword Guy, who is checking in with Satan.

I guess like once a week, he's got to like check in and do a like file a report.

Some kind of super demon.

You have 200 words to describe why you're useful here.

How about that?

Let's see what you got.

Feels like a real micromanage situation, right?

And it's just like, I mean, you put a touch base on my calendar, so I boofed over here.

Okay, well,

do you have any forward thinking idea?

You're reading from who moved my cheese, right?

You could just.

The big Satan guy says, Neil.

Yeah.

I wanted him to say, no, it's Fred.

fred yeah

i've been working here 10 years you don't know my name jesus not jesus sorry satan

and we we see my favorite detail in the whole fucking movie right here we see this guy's sword and the handle the hilt and the like part of the blade towards the handle there all covered in electrical tenuity oh yeah which means that a

the blade flew out at some point during filming or b

that sword has such a distinct he-man theme or whatever that they couldn't otherwise use it.

Or C, and this is my guess, both of the above.

Yeah,

it says 699 Party City on it.

It's not great.

Oh, I thought they had to cover the big Red Bull sign that was on there.

Yeah, right, right, yeah.

So, yeah, but he explains that the guy got away, but he's going to get him eventually.

Yeah.

How long?

It's a rather personal question, isn't it?

So then we get the NSA partners.

They have now, they've interviewed Pete and Sarah, and now the girl is going to interview Uncle Josh while Bast

turns the screws on this little nine-year-old girl

without her mom present.

I don't think it's going to work.

She is very intelligent.

She's pretty 180 IQ, I hear.

Yeah.

So, okay, so while they are interrogating her daughter without her present, Sarah and Pete have a way too relaxed conversation at the table.

They're like, so are you single?

So, who I always like this fun icebreaker.

Who in your life died that is most relevant to the plot?

Your husband.

Okay.

Mine's my mom.

Was it movie cancer?

What death defines you?

It was personal cancer.

It was movie cancer.

My husband had movie cancer caused by aliens, which means he had movie cancer caused by demons, which is super funny.

The demons just being like, ooh,

we gave that guy testicular kids.

Oh, no.

Demon radiation.

Yikes.

Let's see.

Dead husband.

And are you watching Severance?

Oh, you're missing out.

Oh, you're going to love it.

I'm telling you.

You got to give it a shot.

So, but Pete explains that he believed in aliens for a long time, but Uncle Josh always managed to poo-poo his ancient alien theories.

And it turns out Uncle Josh was right.

Yeah.

No matter how many times my nephew blocked me on Facebook, he just kept responding to every photo with an unrelated argument.

He meant the world to me.

And eventually it broke through.

Yeah.

So, but then the woman comes back.

I don't think she ever gets a name, but NSA lady, she comes back and she's done interviewing Josh.

But where's NSA man?

He's kidnapped Kara.

Twist.

Yeah.

And Sarah at this point, she offers up a, oh, my baby, that is so unconvincing that there was a part of me that was like, oh, I bet she's in on it.

It's just that she's a bad actor.

No, she's just a bad, but I had the exact same impulse.

I was like, ooh, the plot thin.

No, the acting thins.

The plot doesn't.

So they're like, oh, how are we ever going to find her?

And Uncle Josh says, through geocaching.

Right?

We introduced geocaching, which means that she's going to have some kind of a GPS tracker tracker on her.

I'm like, she could just have a phone.

Yeah.

The holographic camera is so unnecessary.

Yeah.

No, she's going to have a poker chip stuck in her neck.

They pull this thing out of her neck, which is like, okay, that's probably very comfortable.

I don't know.

Yeah,

she just walks around like that all the time.

That's weird.

So, yeah.

But Uncle Josh says, hey, you go after her.

You know, Pete, Sarah, you go after her.

I'll man in the chair with your shit and talk you guys in as I get updates.

right?

And then I'll show up after the action is over.

We'll just follow the evil NSA guy who's working with

maybe an army of bulletproof demons with flame swords, and then we beat it out of them.

It should be fine.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

Yeah, but she does have a Ford Taurus.

So

it evens out.

Drive right through a flame sword, those things.

So Bast, he takes Kara to the Satan warehouse, the one where the sword guy was earlier.

And Kara sure does give him a what-fer,

right,

For taking him all the way out here.

Sword guy shows up and he's like, you fucking idiot.

She had a GPS strip on her the whole time.

This is where he takes the poker chip out of her fucking throat or whatever the hell that thing was supposed to be.

And then he burns it with his fire powers, right?

He just incinerates it with his bare hands.

Yeah.

And the movie acts like that matter.

That's nothing unless you go somewhere else.

Right, because yes, exactly.

We've dealt with like four movies that didn't understand this concept recently.

Yeah.

I also, I want you guys to keep in mind that he has incinerate things with his hand powers this for the rest of this movie and always has, right?

So, and then like, so Bast is like, so, hey, so what are you going to do with this

little girl?

And I'm like, well, probably incinerate her with his hand powers, man.

I mean, come on.

You had to know.

He goes, okay, well, let me confess to murder real quick before I leave.

I killed Ted, the archaeologist.

That was me.

Yeah.

And he might as well say the archaeologist.

Yeah.

From earlier in the movie, I am

page 44.

Turns out he's not apolitical.

He was quite political.

Quite political.

And dead.

So, but Bast walks off, and then Kara and Sword Guy have a little tete-a-tete.

She says, you know, I know Banna the Slayer when I see him.

And I'm like, because of the 180 IQ

or are there collector's cards?

No, she just, she has

she has all the early albums.

Oh,

oh, yeah, yeah.

The first ban of the Slayer records are way better than like the third and the fourth ones.

Yeah, oh, interesting.

Before they sold out, I've heard the, I've heard the opposite.

And I just want to take a second to say that, like, I look, I love a cinematic universe as much as the next band.

Isn't that right, Carl?

You absolutely do.

If my cinematic universe was not true stuff around what I believe to be the perfect truth about the universe, i'd be very nervous about that right why do christians feel like they can just make up a dnd campaign about the truth of salvation yeah that's a great point well you just described the bible yeah right right

so yeah so she talks a little shit to sword guy and then sword guy knocks her over yeah and the knocking her over stunt is hilarious because okay so this is the direct writer director's daughter right that that's playing this role and they didn't know how it is that movies knock over little kids and don't hurt them, right?

So we got to like her

midway knocked over, and she just sort of slowly lays down.

They're on concrete, right?

They're in this fucking warehouse.

So I'm good, I guess.

Right.

Of the options this guy could have explored.

Yes.

I'm glad they went.

It looks really fake on camera.

Right.

Yeah, exactly.

We are out of camera angles.

We can't figure this out.

Yeah.

But then, okay, so, but then mom and Pete run in, and so Sword Guy has to slow him down.

So he does the old flies out of the mouth trick.

Yeah.

And we get to watch these two actors, Sarah and Peter, do the like swarm of flies, but it's a green bees thing.

Look at all these bees.

It's like owie, owie, slap, slap, slap, arm, slap.

Yes.

And they just do the same thing over and over again.

It'll look, it'll look great.

It'll look really good.

Just do it.

Yeah.

It'll look fun.

It'll look totally real.

Trust me, it'll look totally real.

And then the flies go away after like five seconds, which is just a really

low-level demon power.

You can do a five-second fly swan.

It really is because it's flies too, right?

Like, like that's gross.

And I'm sure the sound was driving Eli crazy, but you could just walk through them.

You'd want to make sure your mouth was closed all the way, you know?

Yeah.

You could even talk with it.

Anyway.

And now I'm going to breathe annoying inchworms onto you.

Right.

Yeah, exactly.

It's like, okay.

That's gross.

It's very unpleasant.

Do you want to try one more?

What else do you breathe?

Because those two were kind of weak.

Well, then I guess next he'll have to use his light bubble powers.

And I like, this is where I started.

I'm looking at After Effects, going, what is the list order?

Okay, what package did he buy?

It's like, okay, now it's going to be ice and then a rocket, and then he's going to land a spaceship on her.

I know he's breathing out 50 different emojis.

That's weird.

Right.

Do we swat him?

And then all of a sudden, he's the money-for-nothing workers.

Yeah, right, right.

so but he pulls out his sword he's gonna

catch his fire he's about to chop the little girl in half but then ethan appears and he also has a fire sword

they proceed to have a sword fight that makes the yoda lightsaber battle in episode two look almost realistic oh my god it's so dumb it's like

It's like the like 97-year-old lady who's still got it in your Tai Chi class decided to spar with the Brazilian jiu-jitsu guy working out his divorce.

It's so nuts.

Oh, fantastic.

Well, it's so it, but it's like you, and then multiply that by the fact that they went through about six swords before they were like, guys, you can't actually hit them together.

They'll break, right?

So we're doing that fight scene.

But yeah, but Ethan is just sort of like, I don't know, man.

I'm also got a sword over here in my hands.

And the other guy is just going fucking nuts with it.

What if I challenged him to a drum circle?

Fuck, Ethan, stop.

The flaming sword fight reminded me when I used to teach fencing on Fire Island.

Oh, there you go.

Yeah.

So they have the like world's most boring sword fight.

Ethan is bad even in the movie, right?

So eventually he gets disarmed and his sword disappears immediately.

You know, it's like one of those video games where you can't pick up the weapons or whatever.

Flesh cut to Ethan getting up to heaven.

Hey, Jesus, I was wondering why you made some angels, especially the loyal ones, like significantly worse at fighting than the ones who divide their death.

I feel like the omniscience thing really falling apart over here for old Edogs.

But then, so Sword Guy walks back up to Kara and he's about to like kill her or whatever, but then she prays in Hebrew

and says, the Lord rebukes you and a portal to hell opens behind him.

And Ethan's like, you couldn't do that 20 minutes ago.

Yeah, right, right.

Ethan's like, I could have just finished my fucking lunch.

Kara,

Kara, he head-butted me to the ground multiple times just now.

I really,

if you have porter opening powers so that we can just push him into them, I'm going to need you to open with those, sweetie, okay?

And then even maybe just stand on your hands and knees behind his legs, then we could just, yeah.

I guess that 180 IQ means you turn around and look the other way.

Yeah,

and then

the bad guy explodes with all the remaining effects that came with the deluxe package.

Right.

So, but mom runs up and she's like, oh, good.

All the danger's gone.

Now I can get past those flies.

And she gives her kid a hug.

Pete and Ethan meet officially now.

And then Ethan tries to tell us about the sequel.

So

he's like, no, no, the lawless one is coming.

It'll be great.

It'll be awesome.

It's probably like a nine-movie series, if you think about it.

Maybe a television show going to Angels of Shield that sort of connects all

and the movie's over.

Never mind.

Yeah, Sam Jackson shows up with the Alohim initiative.

Right.

Yeah, exactly.

I like that the movie ran into the problem of evil by accident here and then had to write itself out of itself.

So it was like, hey, Ethan, why

now all of a sudden did you show up?

to help like so much bad stuff already happened like you know kara's dad died murdered that's right

and he's like, yeah,

no, that's a tough one.

That's a tough one.

We are, but Harold's kind of above my pay grade.

Yes, right.

That's his answer.

Anyway.

That's his fucking answer.

Slap.

Anyway out of the problem of evil.

Yes.

What you're going to do, you know.

But we have one last thread to tie up here.

We have to cut to Bast.

He's going to make his escape, but his partner is there waiting for him.

And she's like, Bast, I've got to drop on you.

He's like, no, let me go.

And she's like no confess to a whole bunch of crimes and he's like i will confess to a whole bunch of crimes so he does and then it turns out that there were also a bunch of other cops there the whole time he just didn't yeah the the the fox force five shows up all of a sudden yeah right right yeah the old i didn't notice the parked cars with their lights off trick that gets so many in law enforcement films yes yeah uh-huh oh we skipped over where ethan whispers something to cara and he whispers this oh right he whispers the same thing that bill murray whispered to Scarlett Johansson and Lost in Translation.

Oh, interesting.

Interesting.

She's all the same universe.

You want me to close my face?

So, yeah, but they get past.

The good guys get past now, and they drive off.

Josh shows up.

Uncle Josh shows up after they've already wrestled the bad guy into the car.

And he's like, what did I miss?

Is there any action left?

Or should I go drive around the block again?

And Pete's like, no, it's just some magic bullshit, like you said.

And then, oh, they have this.

I guess they think it's a reveal where Pete's like, yeah, no, I knew he was lying the whole time because his name, Addon,

is very similar to Abaddon, the destroyer from the book of Revelation.

Which is very similar to Don Pardo, who used to announce TV shows that would star Don Amici.

Also, you weren't tipped off by that absurd fucking lie story from Adon Adam that made it very clear that he was like the deceiver.

Okay, we talked about it for a second.

Just a reminder: here's the story from

what's now being revealed to be the ultimate deceiver.

I challenge you to tell us that.

Okay, I'm going to do my best.

I'm going to do my best.

Apparently, the U.S.

government offers those lucrative contracts for archaeologists who are willing to make fake tablets that cover up aliens

covered by fake stuff about other aliens, I suppose.

But you only get that contract if you figure out the real alien plan.

So Dr.

Jameson allegedly bought like a big piece of rock, etched a fake cuneiform message, snuck that tablet into a student archaeological dig, let the students find it, and then gave it to the government.

But according to Adden, the fake message he wrote was actually by accident the real thing that was happening.

So the government hired him.

And then the evil aliens killed Dr.

Jameson because his fake tablet was actually right by accident.

So they had to cover it up.

Oh, that old trope.

The ultimate deceiver, Satan the Prince of Darkness, needed a lie.

And that was the best he came up with in the movie they wrote.

Right.

No, no, exactly.

It's like me trying to explain how the rabbit got in the house to my mom when I was eight years old.

Satan was meeting with George Costanza to figure out how to do a lie.

Right.

Jesus Christ.

So, and then, okay, so, and then they turn to the little girl and they're like, hey, what did he whisper to you right at the end?

And he's like, and she's like, oh, he was telling me about the Watchers.

And

he says, well, I thought they were the Watchers.

And she goes, no,

we are the Watchers.

We are the watchers.

And we're like, fucking what?

End of movie.

Well, not quite, right?

There's a Bible verse to make you think that it's the end of the movie.

Hold on.

Who is Satan?

Right.

Yeah.

No, exactly.

And then we have to have an after-fucking Bible verse scene

where, first of all, they think they are going to do a big reveal here, right?

Because there's this bald guy and he picks up the jacket from...

the sword guy that before sword guy died he dropped his jacket picks up the jacket and then we flash back to like eight other scenes in the movie where this very same character was just sort of standing around in the background.

And like, I guess the reveal is, oh, you thought he was just an extra, but he was actually on Satan's side the whole time.

Checkmate.

I was aware there were demons in the movie.

They were the villains of the movie.

Right.

So what are we learning?

from this.

So this is essentially demons pretending to be aliens, pretending to be actors, pretending to be people in a movie that's pretending to be a movie.

Yes.

Done.

It's the perfect crime.

Wow.

Yeah, we're five deep.

This might be the first time we've ever gone five deep before.

This is like fucking inception.

We're never going to make it out.

The movie just ends with like five closed parentheses swooshes.

I love how in the credits there's a person who was the martial arts coordinator.

What did he do?

Exactly.

He brought the Gatorade, I think.

Yeah, right, right.

No, that man is a that is a thief right there.

So, yeah, yeah, but oh, but and at the very end, we see that like the background extra who turned out to be a demon is like, we almost got him, but we didn't.

And it turns out that the guy he's talking to was Adon,

the main bad guy of the movie.

We fucking know who was this scene for I don't know.

Clearly, they showed it to their uncle, and he was like, I don't get it.

Who was the black feller?

Right?

So, how can a lady be president?

I don't don't get any of this.

Admittedly, it was hard for me to watch because I was crying

every time she appeared on stream.

All right.

Well, that's the movie, George.

I hope it didn't convert you.

I mean, I hope you're still on science this side.

Oh, I converted, but to something very different.

Yeah.

My conversion now is basically just me crying into a bowl of yogurt.

Yeah, no, I get it.

I get it.

I've eaten some salty yogurt myself.

And just a reminder for the listeners, given how much he sacrificed here for you today, if you want to hear more from Gio, check the show notes for links to his podcast as well as links to hear some of his tunes.

Or do some geocaching if you want to find all the shit.

You see how that works?

You see how that's why you chose this movie for me.

I appreciate it so much.

All coming together.

I hate you all forever.

George, thanks so much for hanging out with us, man.

Guys, you're the best.

This was so much fun.

Thanks for having me.

I really appreciate it.

This was a blast.

And, well, that does it for our review of The Watchers Revelation.

That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to pay more bills next week.

So, Eli, tell us what's on deck.

Well, no illusions.

From the moment we began this show, there were whispers.

Whispers about a series of movies so god-awful they had been struck from the internet itself.

Church productions of pop culture so banal and infringing of copyright that only the worthy could find them.

Well, I have completed my quest and I have located them.

All of them, and they are magnificent.

So, we will be watching Church of the Rocks Avengers-themed Easter musical.

Oh, good.

The Avengers.

I'm so excited.

I almost don't believe you, Eli.

I've heard so much about this fucking thing.

All right, so with that to look forward to, we're going to

be back to a personal close.

Once again, a huge thanks to George Robb of the Geologic Podcast for hanging out with us today.

And a perhaps even a huger thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

If you'd like to count yourself among their ranks, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash Godawa and thereby earn away access to an ad-free version of every episode.

You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our assembly shows, The Scathing Adias Citation Data, DD Minus, and The Sky for Crowd, available wherever podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email GodAfflumvies at gmail.com.

Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick and Vivalrobe Drafts on Mars.

All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Kark, and was used with permission.

Thanks again for giving us a check of of your life this week for Heath Enright and Nila Boznik.

I'm Noelicious Provinces to work hard to earn another chunk next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with the breakfast club close.

Abaddon went on to call himself Dave instead of Addon, and he got away with way more evil stuff.

You would think, yeah,

President Black Lady went on to probably not accidentally fire all of the people who take care of the nukes.

Stay tuned for Watching the Watchers, a skeptical movie of both aliens and God that thinks Bigfoot is the reason the government is bad.

I want Filter Guy to have to climb down from something like,

that's all I can think of.

This content is can-credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountability network.org.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

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