490: One Nation Under God

January 21, 2025 2h 10m

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In this week's episode, Lydia and Thomas Smith join us for an atheist review of One Nation Under God, the story of a terrifying world where kids aren't forced to pledge allegiance to a monotheistic deity regardless of their personal beliefs.

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And in addition, the debate fucking teacher who's in charge of this whole thing has so obviously been favoring David the whole time.

All right.

So first we have the good-looking amazing gives him like a massive super smart guy behind him, hyping it.

He's like Don King back in the day with the boxers.

And we've got, and then he's like, and then this other fucking shit kid.

He's going to say his

stupid thing.

Fuck.

That's what he sounds like.

But anyway,

fucking moron.

God awful

movie.

Movies.

Welcome back to the Gamcast, where each week we sample another selection from Christian Cinema, because if we just did a four-hour-long episode about Alexander the Great, you'd notice.

I'm your host, Noah Lusions.

Heath is off this week, but sitting 900 miles to my northeast is my bad friend Eli Bostick.

Eli, how are you this fine afternoon, sir?

Ready to rumble, Noah.

All right,

you're in the spirit.

We're also excited to welcome back the hosts of the Where Theres Woke podcast, Thomas and Lydia Smith.

Lydia, Thomas, welcome back.

Hello,

thanks for having us.

Did I start a fire so that Carol wouldn't be able to do this and we'd get to be on the show back again?

Uh-oh.

No, who asked that?

Who said that?

Wait, Thomas did the L.A.

Wildfires.

But are we

new lore?

There you go.

As revenge for 9-11.

For Carolina.

As revenge for 9-11.

I still do the website.

Marsh started the fires, though, just to keep it on theme.

Yeah, no, I think it's important.

There they go.

All right.

So, so tell us, Lydia, what will we be breaking down today?

Oh, dear God.

We watched One Nation Under God, and it is the story of, surprise, surprise, the Pledge of Allegiance and us not saying Under God anymore, and how that is so, so wrong that one high school boy has to stand up.

against the machine.

Damn right it is.

To get it back in there.

Damn right it is.

It's just yet another chapter in the persecution fetish genre of Christian film.

It's amazing how many of these that we've watched.

But a truly impressive one.

It is.

You know, like it's truly impressive how much the reverse victim narrative is in this one.

Like it's to the point where I think they're doing a bit.

Like, I, it's like, what if opposite of everything?

What if everyone was gay and they were making us be gay?

And then the one straight kid is like, I don't want to suck a dick.

And they're like, suck a dick.

You make me suck a dick.

And clearly in this world, not in in like some post-apocalyptic world.

That's what, a 5% exaggeration?

Like, what

really exaggerations?

It could be the sequel.

Yeah, right.

Right.

If they tried to up the stakes for the sequel, David would show up at school and they'd be like, yeah, we got a new headmaster.

He says, we're all gay cats and we all have to shit in a litter box.

President giving a speech to the kids in like bondage gear.

There's a reason they call me the headmaster.

Oh, it's a real testament to how long this episode is going to be that I'm just now getting to ask Eli, how bad was this movie?

Well, if you love God's Not Dead, but you wish it took on the hard-hitting issues like, can Americans eat all the ice cream they want?

And is thinking still legal?

Yeah.

You will love this movie.

You know those white ladies that hold up the signs that say Latinos for Trump?

And then the New York Times is like, cool, where are you from?

And they're like,

it's that lady wrote a movie.

The movie.

Yep.

That's what it is.

All right.

So when it comes to the nominations for best worst, I'm actually going to start us off this week.

I have to throw this one out right away.

All right.

So this movie has the best worst Mr.

Miyagi of all fucking time, right?

Because Mr.

Miyagi is, he's like a, he's like a trope at this point, you know, the wise old man that takes the boy under his wing and, you know, teaches him about life through whatever.

It's Kevin fucking Sorbo this time.

Okay.

I need say no more than that.

Yeah, it's like if Mr.

Miyagi had a chip on his shoulder and just was a real like passive-aggressive bitch to everyone.

I'd just go to karate on my own.

It's like if Mr.

Miyagi thought he could get away with doing a couple of Christian movies and then somehow it was his whole career and the exhaustion just never faded from his eyes.

I've got best worst.

Look, there's so many things to choose.

I just want to choose a real unique one to this movie.

Best worst identification of food.

There are two times when they, there's food on the set, like, sure, whatever.

I also want to know, this is the closest thing to a real movie that I think we've ever watched for.

Which is not, thank you.

I appreciate that.

Like, at least it was like I couldn't see the boom mic falling on someone's nose and all that.

Not fundraising for donkey ranches.

Yeah.

There are two scenes where they have food and they actively in the script say what the food is and it's visibly wrong.

Incorrect.

Like they're fucking with us.

Like it's like they just are letting us know they can.

You know, I think that's them saying, you know how we're pretending that, you know, 80 to 90% of this Christian fucking country isn't Christian.

We're also going to tell you this food is not the food it is.

Right.

Yeah.

In this world, this is corn on the cob.

Yeah.

Right.

This ham sandwich, tuna fish.

Fuck off.

Yeah.

So my, mine is kind of what you guys have already laid out.

Like, I think that this is the best, worst Christian persecution complex.

Like this is

so ridiculous.

The entire movie we're sitting and going like, what are you talking about?

You freaking babies.

The entire movie.

Entire movie.

That's a bold, it's bold to come on god-awful movies.

I did it.

I think this is the best, worst Christian

Christian victim complex.

But you might be right.

Like that's the great thing.

You might have lucked into it.

I'm a bold person.

So no, I'm not.

Yeah.

Cause I mean, at least does Jesus give you candy was a hypothetical, right?

he wasn't saying it's happening now.

And I'm going to take a bold stance here.

I'm going to go with best worst mom.

Yes.

There are a lot of bad moms in Christian cinema, right?

But like usually the movie doesn't know that they're bad moms, or the movie sort of makes enough excuses around the bad momming that, like, there's sort of a heavy line.

But this is just about an absolutely terrible mother failing in every possible way.

And then, and then the movie ends.

Like,

are you never redeemed in any way?

All right.

Well, given how much this movie is going to fantasize, I suppose we should give it some time to lube up.

So we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be back in a minute with all the persecuted majority bullshit that is one nation under god

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What's happened?

Is he having a heart attack?

No, Thomas, these are British TV shows.

They're all on like Netflix or iPlayer.

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All right, Eli, thanks.

I can't wait to watch Shammer and Wolp.

They're detectives, but one of them is a sheep.

Which one?

That's the mystery.

All right, guys, welcome to the first ever Writer's Room meeting of One Nation Under God.

Okay, so here's what I'm thinking.

New kid, fancy school.

Maybe he like won the lottery to get in in there.

Compelling.

Right?

Yeah.

And so on the first day, he notices that when they say the pledge, they don't say under God as part of it.

Oh.

Right?

Yeah.

And so, you know, he does.

And one of the popular kids is like, that's it.

I'm going to hunt you for sport now.

Sorry, what?

Yeah, and so he's running through the school, trying not to be mercilessly slaughtered by the herd of atheists that run the school.

But then one teacher, played by Kevin Sorbo

helps him out.

We got Kevin Sorbo?

Yeah, it's really easy.

Nice.

And at the end, they have little machine guns, they get machine guns, and then they just like mow down all the atheists in the cafeteria with, you know, with their guns.

Okay.

I love the

attitude, the mindset.

It's just that the

guns seem a little far.

Yeah.

So let's keep keep the spirit of being hunted for sport or whatever you said, and it will be you know something a little more friendly, like a debate, right, or something.

All right, well, okay, but I already wrote a bunch of lines for the main character where he treats everybody around him as a mortal enemy that's hunting him for sport.

Yeah, no, we can keep those lines.

Oh, okay.

Oh, yeah, I just found Kevin Sorbo on Fiverr.

How much is he?

Three dollars,

sure, huh?

And we're back for the breakdown, and we're going to open up on a Ronald Reagan quote, which tells you what we're getting into with this one.

So we get Christian Imagine Dragons singing to us about

back when there was only one religion and everyone was Christian.

It's a fucking MAGA rap.

That's such a good description, Noah.

Yeah, it totally is Christian Imagine Dragons.

Like, God,

that was rough.

And to be clear, Imagine Dragons is Christian.

Imagine Dragons.

It has to be very important to you.

So, but eventually we resolve on this reporter who's catching us up and she's letting us know that there's a big presidential primary debate happening in the one town where all the things happen, I guess.

Yep, it's in that town.

That reporter is going to matter.

And I did not realize she was going to matter.

So I just

kind of

did the movie, Lily.

She was almost my best worst, which is best worst to catch a predator side storyline.

Like C story, we'll get to it.

Emma Saxon.

Yeah.

I almost went with best worst, like, remember that Japanese video game that tried to do a baseball team and tried to put American names on it and got her all books.

Just Emma Saxon.

Best worst, Bobs and Doug Nut.

Oh, God.

I love that meme.

I saw that meme like 15 years ago.

You know how my memory doesn't have anything?

That's one thing that's still.

Bobs and Doug Nut made it through the cut.

Yep.

Nice.

That's all I'm so happy.

That would have to be a lot of trauma to get rid of Bobs and Doug Gut.

Two out of three kids' names and

instead of the sleigh, you know, instead of Rosebud, I'll be like, Bobs and Doug.

Bobs and Doug Nut.

So, yeah, but she tells us all about that.

Senator Vieira and Governor Palabra are going to be debating.

And then we meet a mother, and because she's a mother in a Christian movie, we meet her making breakfast.

Yeah.

Of course.

We are, you know, what are we, almost 500 movies in.

I don't think we have ever met a mother in a Christian movie who wasn't making breakfast at the time.

For the men in her life, yes.

Exactly.

And this, it will be very important to this movie that this is aimed at the brand new, you know, force of Latinos who vote for Donald Trump.

So everyone's going to be rolling R's and speaking their best Spanish.

It's taking your dad to a Mexican restaurant, the characterization.

Yeah, time for us all to vomit us.

Yeah.

Let's get the enjalatas.

Relax, Mitch.

We're at the Taco Bell drive-through.

That'd be so much funnier if it didn't work.

Yeah, right.

This is from 2020, and it single-handedly swung the ultimate.

Yeah,

it did.

So I just want to point out they're going with the trope of she's got too much to, she can't, she doesn't have it together.

She's a mom, she's a single mom, she's struggling.

Yes.

The only problem is they never, ever, ever explore why she's struggling.

Yes.

So you could watch the whole movie plausibly thinking she has a hardcore drug habit or is like, I don't know, doing porn on the side.

Like she just, for no reason, doesn't have it together and fails in every scene.

And they never bother explaining it or tying up the loose ends.

And it's so, that, that aspect of the movie is so bizarrely absent because later on in the movie, it will expect us to be like, yeah, well, you know, she does have too much on her plate.

And we're like, but what's on her plate?

Yes.

You could show the plate.

My genuine hypothesis, and I'm only a little bit joking, is that they know their audience just thinks of Spanish people as poor and struggling.

Yeah.

And it's therefore like, I don't have to go into it.

They're going to know that thems are always having a hard time.

You know, it's like, ah, yeah, yeah.

I was going slightly different in that I thought, I think they're assuming if the father is gone, it's impossible.

Right.

Yeah.

Obviously, no house gone.

Like, if there's no father in the household, you can't do it.

That's never been done.

Yeah.

Foreshadowing to conversations about divorce and single mothers and

whatnot at the end.

Yeah.

So, okay, but but we learn here she's she's trying to get him ready for school.

This is his first day at his fancy magnet school.

And apparently she woke him up like 13 seconds before he had to fucking go, right?

Right.

Yeah, exactly.

So they get him to school, and then we've got him, and we learn very importantly that he like won the lottery thing to get into this very fancy magnet school unit.

Yeah, like midterm or something or like midterm.

Because everyone else is already doing school.

It doesn't matter, but the calendar of this movie is so fucking funny.

It's like the presidential primary, it's not the first day of school.

You know, it's like nothing lines up.

Oh, yeah.

Presidential primary, that's not going to line up.

In August, I guess.

I don't, or September.

Yeah, it doesn't make any sense.

Middle of the summer.

It's also super funny in this moment with the lottery where he says, Mom, I just made it with her lottery.

And she goes, No, you earned it.

And I was like, well,

it is one of those things.

It was either a lottery pick or he earned it.

Yeah.

Can we just have a moment to talk about the zooming that the camera is doing throughout this movie where they are like stationed outside of the school and then they want to like.

see what's happening in the car.

So they decide to zoom in from like the front of the school all the way to the car.

But I know they have different cameras because we get different angles.

Why in the world was that the choice?

It It reads like some people were making a movie in private, like doing the acting, and then a cameraman was like, oh, I'm going to be able to do it.

I'm going to skip this.

Yeah, it's a sex lies and videotape situation.

But the thing is, is that there's like three different moments in this movie where you're like, what the fuck is the cinematographer even thinking?

And this is one of them.

Yeah, there's a couple other ones.

We'll flag that early because there's two of them that I just have to dwell on at least a bit.

So David makes it to school.

He's wandering through school and this is where we meet the false start love interest.

I think they forgot she wasn't the love interest.

They called the wrong girl.

Like the love interest name is Brianna and this girl's name is Brielle, right?

And she showed up today to shoot and they were like, oh,

yeah, yeah, you can tell him where his classroom is.

And then, okay, so, so he goes into the class and he gets there just as they're saying the Pledge of Allegiance.

And this is, I love this so

it's the best

as they're saying the Pledge of Allegiance, everyone leaves out the words under God except David, but critically, they leave the space there.

Okay, no, I'm so far.

This was laugh out loud fucking funny.

Like, oh, it's so good.

And

it's deadly serious, and it's the entire point of the movie.

Like, the entire point is that one kid says under God in this space they all, it might as well be EI, EI,

We don't say the O.

It's forbidden.

Yeah.

All right, everyone.

It's October 31st, and just in case anyone comes to school tomorrow on November 1st, we're doing shave and a haircut.

But if anyone says two bits, you murder them where they stand.

Yes.

oh, and consider, but that is the inciting incident of the goddamn movie right there.

So, but now, oh, and when he says under God, he takes his seat, and and like all the kids look at him and they're like, Under what?

Now he's gonna be bullied about it.

Yeah,

Main Bully looks back, and you could tell they're setting up Maine Bully, he's like popular, good-looking Maine Bully kid.

He might as well be wearing a skeleton costume, yeah, right, yeah,

puts letter to a Christian nation, huffly it back into his bag.

But so, yeah, then we cut to afterclass, and the bully wants to have a word with this Jesus-loving bastard here.

Oh, my God.

But the best part is, right?

So, again, this is a classic scene, right?

We've seen this in hundreds of movies, right?

Bully goes to bother the new kid.

New kid gets out of it, but it's new kid is smarter and quicker with words than the bully written by Christian idiots, right?

So he's like, hey, we don't say under God around here.

And he's like, I'm a sovereign citizen on the land.

Yes, I'm the Morris citizen.

I'm a national.

I'm traveling.

I have to, here's my fake ID.

I printed out from the internet.

He might as well ask to speak to the bully's manager.

It was so good.

But then the bully is just like, oh, shit, he got me on a technicality.

I can't beat him.

Yeah, he just kind of confusedly leaves the scene.

He's like,

I guess I stopped bullying you.

That was poorly written.

And then I have to talk about this.

Okay.

So again, talking about zooming, without leaving the two shot, right?

Gordon walks out of the two shot.

And without leaving the two shot, two children behind them go,

that was Gordon Kingsley.

He will be the intended salvation.

Oh, God.

And then they try to do a walk and talk.

It's so good.

Everybody has to walk so fucking slow for this idiot cameraman who's just clearly walking backwards with the fucking handy camera.

Yeah, like bump stuff.

Sorry.

So, but this is where we're going to meet real love interest.

This is Maddie, and Maddie is a reporter with the school paper, which is her entire personality.

Yes.

Yeah.

Well, that and wanting to fuck David.

Yeah, well, right.

Yes.

Here's the thing.

They have set Maddie up as that sort of like adorable child crush level of interested in David, but they're supposed to be high schoolers.

So it's just fucking creepy.

Yeah.

Right.

Because look, when you have a seven-year-old go, you're tall, dark, and handsome.

We go like, ha, ha, ha, ha, she's mature for her age.

When you have a 15-year-old do it, you're like, you don't need to parent on the set.

Where is the growing up?

Intimacy coordinator.

Yeah, right.

He's incapable of having a reaction to anything.

I went through the whole movie.

I don't think he expressed a single feeling toward her at all.

No, no.

And then the movie just ends and she's like, I guess I'll go fuck myself then.

Okay.

Yeah, right.

Well, I mean, look, I don't want to spoil anything, but it turns out a different romance blossoms for her.

Oh, interesting.

We'll get there.

That's true.

Yeah, well, no, you're right.

We're right.

My best word is to catch a predator.

So, okay, so then we cut to the lunchroom and David's lunch card doesn't have any money on it yet.

How embarrassing.

Because his fuck up mom.

Right.

And obviously the lunch, the lunch lady's going to roll her eyes about him not having any money.

What is this school?

You broke ass piece of shit.

Fuck you.

Honestly, looking at you makes me sick.

Yeah, she rolls her eyes about checking for if there's money or not.

And then she rolls her eyes at a kid in a wheelchair.

Yes.

Yeah, the kid in the wheelchair is like, I'll pay for it.

And she's like, well, okay, I'll let that slide this time

normally i make children starve to death but okay

it's the new kid but we didn't say the mom in the first scene was like there oh here there should that we don't have lunch at home here there should be money on your lunch card there should be money like she says it like specifically i remembered to do that which means she specifically knows she didn't do it and just lied because like just wants him off her back yeah it doesn't have money on the lunch card so like it'd be one thing if she was like, oh, grab the lunch card.

And then you're like, oh, it didn't have any money on it.

She says, there is money.

Like, look me in the eyes, kid.

I put money on it.

And then she was lying.

She doth protest too much.

Also, if you were in godless California, then you wouldn't even have to worry about that because we have free school lunches.

Right.

Breakfast,

lunch, elementary school, middle school, high school.

Yeah.

And this is such an elite school where the headmaster and the bully kid are obviously white Christians.

Like they couldn't be more more obviously white Christians.

And yet the entire thing is just fucking opposite.

How

are you duced?

They are, yeah.

Right.

Just so silly.

Let me tell you, the kid who plays Jonathan, Tyree Brown, is like a legitimate actor.

102 episodes of Parenthood.

He became like a regular on that.

And huh, he was the voice of young Kristoff in Frozen.

Oh, is this the bully kid?

No, this is the wheelchair kid.

The wheelchair kid.

Yeah, he was actually, he was actually weirdly good for this movie.

Yeah.

he's excellent and he is visibly uncomfortable every time they make him reference his wheelchair yeah right because you can tell a non-wheelchair user walked up to him was like and then in this scene you're gonna be like oh stimple the cripple can you do that he but

he's the voice stipple like like an old-timey and you're eating a big apple

you're going away from me you're going away from me i guess that's how he rolls in my regular motherfuckers

i wrote this film

New theory, this was made during COVID when actors had no work and they were able to get like some kind of real act.

That's my new, I don't know if that's true, but I'm saying that's true.

It makes it even funnier.

Braver theory, from my heart, someone stole him and just rolled him up to the top.

Oh no.

He kept being like, can I borrow a sub of him?

They're like, no, no.

Yeah.

Say the line.

Oh, God.

So, but ultimately, the point of this scene, though, is that he sits down with a bunch of kids and they're like, are you going to hang out with us at Kevin Sorbo's class after school?

And he's like, no.

And they're like, well, then we don't want to be friends with you and walk off.

Right.

So he's now enticed to go to Kevin Sorbo's after school class.

But just after that, a voice on the PA comes on to tell him to report to the head master's office.

They need to talk to him about all that under God shit.

All this under God business.

Yeah.

And this is where we're going to meet principal thundernuts.

This guy overplays this.

So my theory on this character is that this actor has never been hired to play anything except for like the villain in a cop movie or a karate movie or whatever.

So he plays the principal like a villain in a karate movie.

Yeah.

But what's so funny, right, is that this actor is, I'm going to say, three feet tall.

Yeah.

So they have him doing all the villain beats, but then he'll just occasionally stand up and he's like chin next to his desk and he's like sir watch your background

it's just it's every villain beat he's supposed to be having like the child is looking down on him and being like oh sure i'm scared of you mr principal it's the best

so but when he first comes in he overhears the principal talking to someone on the phone about Vieira, the presidential candidate, coming to the school to do a press thing or whatever.

So he gets off the phone.

He turns to David, and then, like, he can't pronounce David's name because of its Spanishness and

racism.

No one's ever heard of names in this country.

Yeah, Gutierrez.

What are you kidding me?

What kind of weird?

And if anyone is known for their mistreatment of minorities with non-English sounding names, it's liberals.

Am I right?

Yes, liberal atheists.

Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

All the time.

Who run private schools.

You know, those private schools that are run by the liberal atheists?

All of them?

Yeah.

So, but this is where he explains that his son, who is the bully, the Gordon.

Yeah, has reported him for saying under God.

Not just saying.

Oh, yes.

Ramming it.

Yes.

Yeah.

And he explains that they have a policy.

Now, this is a quote from the movie.

We have a policy to make everyone feel welcome, and we shun and condemn those who oppose this.

So stupid.

Yes.

He's basically, he's doing Jerry Coyne an open letter.

But he says, in our policy, we say that nobody can exercise their faith in a way that disturbs another student's learning.

And he's like, having the Jason Bourne, do you commit to this program moment with it?

Right.

It's the pledge that we all fucking learned.

We all, it's just, it's like, he might as well be like, so I heard that you you said, after they said, shave and hair cut,

you said two bits.

What the fuck are you doing?

Are you doing

school?

We leave the space, then, but no one says anything.

Stupid.

But then, and look, the reality of the situation, like I obviously we all know this, but I, but I should say it out loud.

The reality of the situation is that it's incredibly fucked up that kids of all different religions and that atheist kids, et cetera, are being prompted to swear allegiance to a monotheistic God at the beginning of every day in school.

That's like insane that that actually happens.

So dumb.

Yep.

And so we're, we're trying to live in a world where like they're as persecuted as we actually are in order to justify this idiotic fucking movie.

Oh, yeah.

And somehow they still don't get the point, right?

they never realize, like, oh, we do this to them.

That's bad.

Yeah.

What's so funny is that, like, the movie will constantly get close to making this argument, but they know that they'd lose if they make it.

Yeah.

So, all the reasons people have for not wanting Under God are like, actually, Thunder Broad is the man who murdered my father, and that's why I don't like it in the presentation.

So, okay, so then we cut over to Vieira's campaign headquarters.

Ooh, Lauren Frost of Even Stevens fame, everybody.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm with Ella.

I don't know what's happening.

Okay.

I don't know.

I was like, oh, man,

you could have been somebody, you know?

Yeah, there are a lot of people in this movie that feel like someone added on an extra hundred dollars to a cameo and now they're full-on in the movie.

Are you talking about Cecil's wife?

Robert Belushi, Jim Belushi's son.

Yeah, yeah.

Lauren Frosty.

I thought Cecil's wife was delightful in this movie.

Yeah, she was great.

She was great.

Bad word about it.

Yeah, so we're going to meet Vieira, who is the presidential candidate, and we're going to meet his two campaign managers.

Apparently, he's got like

a Roman console kind of a thing going on here where he has two competing campaign managers that always disagree about what they should be doing.

Okay, this is going to be a weird pull for those of you who aren't comedians, but I just need, I need to share with you.

As a comedian, there's nothing you get a sense for more quickly than a fellow comedian with no sense of humor.

I want to promise you right now, these two actors are one, the worst

and two, fucking.

100%.

I got that exact same vibe.

Like it is, and you said it's the son of which Belushi?

Yeah, it's Jim Belushi's son.

Son of a Belushi.

Jim Belushi.

Yeah, yeah, Robert Belushi.

Oh, okay.

I bet he started every take by being like, all right, who's ready for that Belushi magic, huh?

Yep.

So, and the scene itself is fucking ridiculous, right?

Because the presidential candidate is like, yeah, I'm not feeling this visit to my alma mater to the high school I went to, just not feeling it.

My heart's not in it.

And the one campaign manager is trying to tell him, well, he needs to do it.

And the other campaign manager is trying to say, hey, it's going to look like you're trying to

get children to vote for you or whatever.

I have no idea what her objection is.

Well, I think it's like, there's no, like, it's a waste of time.

Like, they don't vote.

So what are we doing here?

To which I would think, yeah, no, that's, that's a good point.

They don't have a lot of time.

And the weird thing is they've got this fucking candidate.

I thought Belushi was the candidate when he walked in.

Oh, yeah.

I was like, oh, he's the candidate because he's got energy.

He's like dynamic.

He's, he's kind of controlling the room.

And then they walk in and then the candidate is actually Eeyore.

It's the weirdest thing like oh i don't want to go to the event

how are you

how are you the guy who's been running for president like yeah doesn't make any sense no charisma well because he used to model underwear for calvin klein antonio sifado he definitely had a i used to model underwear for a calvin klein look to him that's for sure

well i i think it's i think in the end though i guess what they were going for is he's been so sad that he can't profess his belief in God, that he's

depressed.

You know, like how in this country we don't let any politicians ever, politicians aren't allowed to talk about God.

No, it's like forbidden.

Participate in religion.

Yeah.

And so he's like bummed about it all the time.

Yeah.

No, that's that's what they're going for.

And this movie is just so stupidly over the top.

That's the only emotion he's allowed to have throughout the movie, right?

We also introduce his wife, Audrey, here, and we introduce this pointless, useless, never goes anywhere rebellious daughter character.

So weird.

So much so that I was like, what plot line got cut?

Not only does it not come around, a different plot line is what's resolved and then shoot around later.

Yes.

An entirely different one.

Because they talk about how she, no more protests, no more sites.

So you get the sense that her beliefs are different than the candidates, right?

Like the daughter's beliefs.

That's what they set up.

And then I guess in the end, we'll get to the, what the controversy ends up being, which is not that.

Nothing like that.

Yeah, it's completely different.

Yeah.

And also, no, it didn't.

Right.

That too.

Right.

That too.

So, okay.

And so then we cut back to David at school.

And darn it if his mom's not going to be an hour or two late picking him from.

This is so fucking funny because they treat it like, oh, you know, she's, you know, like, like we said, she's so overburdened or whatever.

But the thing that happens is she calls her son and she's like, I can't pick you up from school for an hour or possibly two.

I'm not even willing to commit to being only an hour late to pick you up from fun.

The guys are coming slow today.

I don't know what to tell you.

Oh, my God.

People are mad about COVID, 9-11.

I don't know what it is, but mommy's going to be between one.

I work for the cable company and I'm coming home between one

and six at some point.

Go see if there's another alternate alternate for sort of nation state classroom you could have

that is not part of the school, but takes place inside the school.

Just wander around to see if you find one.

That they're all going to call Mr.

Truman's class.

But, like, I mean, it's a minor thing, but it's after school.

You wouldn't say, let's go to Mr.

Truman's class.

It's like, what are you?

Okay.

You'd call it the club debate club.

Yeah.

Right.

It'd be debate club or future leaders of America club or whatever the hell it is.

Yeah.

So he goes to that.

He's like, well, you know, they were inviting me to Kevin Sorbo's class.

Maybe I'll I'll do that.

So he goes, and we have to, we learn that Kevin Sorbo's character is pretty cool from his door signage, right?

We just linger for a very long time and he's got some pretty clever stuff on his door.

Kevin Sorbo's jacket work in this scene to show cool adult.

Fucking flawless.

Oh, God.

Oh, ever so casually over one shoulder.

You know, I've realized something about Kevin Sorbo and this exact type of person.

I think he probably, as much as it's like, oh, so depressing, this guy kind of was an actor in a thing, you know, like it feels like, I think he revels in being frequently the only person who's ever done anything real on a movie set.

You're going to lord it over everybody.

You can tell in the scene, like, he's just chewing the scenery.

He's taking like four hours to say one line.

He's just like, this is fucking acting, you please.

Right.

Nobody could tell him anything because all of these directors are just like creaming themselves to work with him.

And that, yep.

Because he could be like in season three of Hercules.

Maybe you've heard it.

Just comes up next to him.

I was actually in Paris.

Shut up, shut the fuck up.

Yeah, this has got to be the most like star-studded movie he's ever been in.

Yeah, yeah, in the last 12 years.

There's John Belushi's son, or whatever the fuck you said.

Yeah, he's just trying to roll up to them at the lunchroom.

So, how about us legit actors all hanging?

Oh, you're going away.

Okay, well,

God,

probably shouldn't eat anyways.

So,

get

also, I've I've got to say, these kids

pretending to laugh.

These kids pretending to laugh at K-Sorb's crowd work in this class.

That is one of the saddest things I've ever heard in my goddamn life.

Right.

Yeah.

So bad.

So, but then, so on the whiteboard, Kevin Sorbo has written.

If you thought my shaving a haircut joke or whatever, you're not going to know.

Kevin Sorbo has written the words in blank we trust.

And he says, Hey, kids, what are some words that would fill in this blank?

You know, the thing that's on all our money in our courtrooms and in the pledge that we all have had to say forever?

What goes in the blank?

Science.

Yeah.

And right, that's the first fucking answer.

Kids are going.

Scientists and scientists, doctors, parents.

Legacy media.

Yes, yes.

Jewspapers.

But I have to talk about my favorite answer here, which is that Josh, right, Parenthood Kid.

Jonathan.

Jonathan, thank you.

Parenthood kid, he gives the Enith Emerson's answer, right?

Which is to have faith in oneself is the truest form of knowing oneself.

And the movie grinds to a halt.

So Kevin Sorbo can be like,

no.

Yeah.

It doesn't fit in the blank.

Well, right, yes.

Too many words.

He goes, he writes all of that stuff down and he goes like, so is this, should we live in a world where we trust in these things?

And, and all the people, yes, yes, we should.

And David is like, no,

I'm so sorry, no.

I'm so sorry because the actual language is so fucking,

yes, please.

He goes, so they've written scientists, doctors, parents, like, these are all things that obviously you would hope that we can trust.

And so they're setting up, and he says,

do we trust these, all these things, yay or nay?

And everyone says, yay.

And then the main kid goes, nay.

Yes,

it's so fucking stupid.

And then he's like, what?

What?

And then he goes, I mean, yay.

Just to make it even dumber.

He might as well prop a single foot up on his desk.

Yes.

And then he backs down, though.

Like, it, like, yep.

Kevin Sorbo's like, what?

What did you, what did you fucking say?

What did you say?

But I guess not really, because Kevin Sorbo is like secret, I guess, Christian that's trying to get this to.

Yeah, no, he's, yeah, he's trying to provoke him to.

But then all of a sudden, that's the end of this club.

Like, then

they all.

Wow, he said nay slightly and then took it back so fuck this oh that's time to yeah but like david has an hour to two hours to kill yeah and he killed five minutes maybe five minutes yeah yeah time works great in this like wait until we get to the debates there it's so amazing how time can dilate in this movie so but then we cut to like all the kids leave and then he's just david's just still kicking around there because his his mom's got to wait until all the clients come, I guess.

I've got like an hour and 45 minutes.

Right, right.

K K-Sorbs is like, hey, so what did you think of that last scene?

And he's like, well,

was that the entire class?

Like, that was that?

It was only Bible.

It seemed a little short.

Secondly, you wrote down an obvious phrase that we all know, and then a bunch of idiots couldn't pick the word that we all would know would go in it.

So I'm a little skeptical, Mr.

Truman.

Yeah, he goes, he goes, why didn't anybody say God?

And then K-Sorbs is like, yeah, why didn't you say it?

And I'm like, yeah, I know those Christians and their notorious quietness about their beliefs yeah right

he also goes he goes he goes well you know speaking up is not my thing and then kevin sorbo was like then why are you here and i wrote my notes literally because his mom was running one to two hours late

my mom's just late had nothing else to do yeah it's my first day weirdly in the middle of the semester or something right

also june i don't know why i'm here i don't know what's happening to me i'll say june primary season yeah Yeah,

exactly.

All right.

Well, clearly, David has some soul searching to do, so we're going to give him a quick break.

We'll be back in a minute with even more of One Nation

Under God.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Okay, Reason Con, when you came out with the Long Foot certificate?

Nope.

Gone.

Oh, man.

That was so fun.

Hey, guys, what you doing?

Oh, hey, Lydia.

I'm just trying to see which of Thomas's memories aren't entirely destroyed by trauma.

It's like a lot of them.

It really is.

Oh, that doesn't sound great.

Have you tried therapy?

No.

Okay, well, I have, and it's great.

Okay.

And I recommend it.

Oh, no, thank you.

Okay, well, if you had said yes, I would say you should try BetterHelp.

What's BetterHelp?

Is that because of the trauma or because you want the point?

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That's betterhelp, h-l-p.com/slash awful.

New York.

Uh, thanks, I guess.

What do you say?

You guys ready to record the show?

Only if you introduce me to your cute friend over here.

That's your wife, Thomas.

No, the older one.

That's Noah.

Beautiful name.

I don't know, guys.

Gordon's the most popular kid in school.

Why even bother?

Don't go sipping on that haterade now.

Thanks, Lo.

Look, man, you've got the truth on your side.

That's gotta mean something.

Exactly.

Something to me, maybe, but not the judges.

Judge Judy.

Right, thanks, Lo.

It's just, I'm new around here.

Do I really want to go out on a limb like this?

Limbo.

Sorry, Lo, what?

What, what?

In the butt.

Dude.

That didn't make any sense.

Lo got kicked in the head by a horse last year.

Oh, she did?

Yes.

Doctors say these phrases are just kind of working their way through her brainstem before she shuts down.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Does she know?

We can't tell.

In the curb we all fam oh wow yeah low we all fam

and we're back for more of this and we're gonna rejoin the action at the vieira's house for dinner with another one of those fucking weird ass zooms that we're talking about

and we get The first of my best worsts, which is just, it's just so funny.

It's just so we're looking at the, I have it up right now just to make sure.

I mean, I'm breaking this down like the Zapruder film.

He says, I don't know what you put in this stew, but it's so good.

There is no stew.

There is no stew on the table.

There is.

I'm looking at there.

Back and to the left, there is potatoes.

There is a salad.

There is chicken.

And there are vegetables that are clearly just like, you know, kind of grilled type vegetables.

Yeah.

That's like zucchini.

There's no stew.

They're not.

They're just.

What do you eat stew?

Do you eat stew on just a plate?

Like just horse stew on a plate?

They are just using normal flat plates.

There is no way.

I am ready to handle all challenges here.

Well,

let me hit you with this, Thomas.

Maybe he just thinks all food is stew and no one really knows how to correct him.

Maybe that's his nickname for his wife is Stew or something.

And also, like, while he's doing, while he's saying this, we're getting this weird Zoom that in any other movie would be like

dread, right?

Like it's the kind of Zoom that says he has a dark secret that's going to come out any minute now.

Yeah.

Where you pan over and there's like a kidnapper in the corner with a shotgun.

Oh, you know what scene it is?

It's that scene where there are two people are having a conversation and it zooms in like to the guy's face where his internal model, like he's not participating.

It's that scene.

Like he's stressed about something else or he's about to shoot them.

Correct.

You know, like in godfather or something.

It's so fucking weird.

That's the Zoom they're doing.

And then he's like, this dude is really good.

He's divorced from reality.

This is a whole different scene, actually.

The mom should be like, are you okay?

There's

a stew.

No, you figured it out, Thomas.

They're getting funny games.

And that's part of his code to the cops.

He's like, just

don't hold up one of those protest signs.

Then we cut to the next day at school, and they're doing the pledge again.

And David says, under God, but this time he does it like you don't, like, he doesn't really know the words, and he's getting called on it, right?

Mumbling it.

One nation, underground, indivisible.

And they all look at him right.

Like if the first day was a fluke, right?

He's like, One nation,

oh, still not doing it.

Okay.

They basically recreate the do the line Bart scene from The Simpsons.

It's a classroom and they're all turned to look at him for Under God.

Oh, right.

And he does it, and they're like, okay.

He kind of did it.

Do we beat him up?

I don't know.

And then, okay, so now we're at lunch.

Maddie, the reporter girl, is watching her hero, the newscaster from the cold open.

The local newscaster.

Yes, Emma Saxon.

The kind of person you should only see when John Oliver does a roundup of what the local news is.

You're right.

Yeah, yeah.

Some nonsense.

For Halloween, when they're all dressed in costumes or something.

Who watches local news?

Who the fuck watches local.

Okay.

Well, you know who watches local news is the people who watch every goddamn movie that we ever fucking watched, right?

Because every movie is just all everybody's watching the local news constantly.

Yeah.

Have you talked to an old person?

They fucking love local news.

They've decided their one weather girl's a whore.

It's the best.

They're like, oh, I don't care for her.

Short sleeves in January?

No.

It's plenty warm in that studio.

So, so, but as they're watching, as they're sitting at lunch, David asks everybody else if they've noticed a little something missing in their Pledge of Allegiance.

Hey, have you guys noticed something missing from our shave and a haircut

that we do?

How much does the shave and the haircut even cost?

I don't understand.

And they're like, we don't know what you're talking about.

All in unison.

It's a great, nobody read this script out loud until they were shooting it moment where one of the kids goes, oh, God.

And he goes, exactly.

Right.

Again, but because it's just so badly written the character's like oh god exactly no who's on first

right

because she's supposed to just be saying oh god like oh mother

because yeah pause for laughter oh my god everyone's really going to be busting up at this one good job craig you wrote such a great movie mommy loves you

And oh, sorry, you also get one of my favorite.

This is the introduction of my favorite character in the film.

Oh, God.

Oh, yes, Lowe.

So, Lowe will be part of the reporter student government trend group, and she will speak entirely in like Gen Z phrases that your grandma generated at gunpoint, right?

Like, they snuck into your grandma's room, they pointed a gun at her head, and they were like, What is the 13-year-old saying?

She was like, Um, hashtag first world problems.

And they were like, They'll be back.

We'll be back for more lines for Lowe.

You better have have those.

What I also love is that all of Low's lines are entirely unrelated to whatever is going on.

Like, no matter what everyone else is talking about, Lowe will just be like, oh, no,

no, skip any toilet.

Yeah.

But yeah, but so David has a little rising string speech about Jesus.

And the other kids explain to him kind of under their breath as though, you know, they're watching.

They say, and these are the actual lines.

One kid says, yeah, God talk is forbidden.

And then they're talking about the principal and they say, quote, he banned a bunch of God things.

Flash cuts of Vishnu sadly walking out of the school

with a cardboard box with his stuff in it.

It's just so silly.

It really reads like a Twilight Zone where like, this kid was teleported to a world in which part of the Pledge of Allegiance is different.

Because he's like,

under God.

He starts saying, under God, one nation indivisible.

Like, he starts saying it to them, and they're like,

what is it?

Is this

a Star Trek where they go to a planet where everything's the same except this one?

Yeah, everything's an inch to the left.

It's so fucking stupid.

Yeah.

Okay.

So now we cut to, we're back in Mr.

Truman's class, back at Kevin Sorbo's class, and they're doing debate practice.

And so the debate, I guess, the contention in the debate is that politicians should have to state their policies.

That's literally it.

Well, Noah, what will we have the bad guy say?

What side will the bad guy take?

Yeah, Gordon the bully takes the anti-side on this, and he gives this big Machiavellian speech about how wisdom is or pieces born of the wisdom of the prince or whatever the fuck.

He's just the whole goddamn thing is just like, but once politicians are in power, they should do all they can to maintain their power and tell the rubes whatever they must tell them.

You know, it's ridiculous, but it's also fascinating because it's an insight into what Christians think debate is, right?

Yeah.

Because if they knew what debate is, they would know they were wrong because they'd watch a debate and learn something.

Right.

So it's kind of like, it's like if you put a baby in the car and you were like, figure it out, right?

That's what this scene is when it's like, is raising your hand during like the opponent's speech like part of debate?

I never participated in debate or like really watched much debate or anything like that.

So I had to turn to Thomas and I was like, this isn't debate, right?

Well, the truth about debate club shit is it's really dumb.

Like, it's just a bunch of weird rules that you have.

Like, you have to try to like say a bunch of arguments really fast.

And then if they forget to address one, then

that's really useful.

Yeah.

But the idea that like actual debate is you, when the other side is talking, you can raise your hand and insist.

Oh, damn it.

They would just do that the whole time.

Yeah.

The format of this debate, if I'm correct, and it will be the format throughout it, is I talk, then you talk, then I talk, then you ask me a question, then I talk some more, then I ask you a question, and then the debate is over.

And as we will learn at the very end of the film, spoiler alert, we do one last little debate thing.

Right, right, yeah.

And by the way, class is over because, like, they just, there's no sense of reality of this film.

They're just like, well, is the important things we said done?

Okay, everybody, I guess, leave.

Was there a winner to the like?

They might as well kill everybody at the end of the match.

Do you want to give us any feedback on how the debate went or teach us anything about debate?

Or, oh, the scene's done.

Okay, we don't exist anymore.

No, everybody's dead and citation needed can start.

Okay.

All right.

So, but then we get the fucking the most important moment in the entire movie, right?

Because Gordon's slam dunk in this debate is moral relativism.

You know, how could we even know what is good?

What we say is good is good.

And so David marches up to the whiteboard where in blank we trust is still written, and he writes, God in all caps in the blank.

Oh, yeah.

Gordon's pissed.

Oh, he's living.

His name is Gordon.

I can't get over it.

Gordon Kingsley.

Yeah, Kingsley.

Yeah.

Him being the villain, atheist, son of the atheist, headmaster of the private school is like a guy in a Jesus costume with thorns on his forehead with fake blood and carrying a cross being like, you will never talk about God.

Yes, yes.

Never do.

He's wearing a polo shirt.

He's a white kid.

He's a white, wealthy kid wearing a polo shirt and a jacket at a private school.

And he's the like, never talk about God.

He's practically wearing a fucking MAGA cap.

You might as well be dressed like a priest and being like, no one ever.

should talk about God ever in my presence.

It's so fucking bewildering.

Yeah.

So he said, Gordon's Gordon's like, what are you doing?

And David goes, I'm just expressing my freedom of speech.

And everybody's like, oh, well, you know, he spells his name in all lowercase letters.

So I guess in that case or whatever, he's free on the land or whatever.

But Gordon says, and I quote, you talk about God, you get crucified.

Yeah, it's so good.

So stupid.

Oh, just imagine the, like, the fucking Twinkie that the writer ate right after he fucking wrote that, right?

He's like, I you deserve two Twinkies.

You the whole thing.

If this ever happened, I have a little treat.

The literal Supreme Court would go to the school and stop it.

Like they would be, it would be.

Yes, Anton and Scalia would just fucking dive in from out of frame and knock that motherfucker over.

He would come up through the ground because he's dead.

And he'd be like, you can't, this is America.

Like, it's so silly.

It's so backwards.

How could you think this is reality?

Yeah.

No, it's fucking insanity.

But this is where we get the plot, right?

David challenges Gordon to a debate about trusting in God.

Whatever the fuck that would mean.

Yeah.

Hey, Noah, how would that work?

What would the debate proposition be?

What would you debate?

What would it be?

Oh, we'll get there.

Well, actually, we won't.

But yeah.

So,

but the class is very excited.

Everybody's like, ooh, big theological debate.

I can't wait.

We're all into that.

So, okay.

so now we're in the lunchroom and david and the gang are prepping for the big debate right yeah and they say you don't have much time to develop your argument yeah about the thing that's your whole deal like i'm sure he's thought about it like it's not like it was a he like he's made a point to be about god this whole time the only way he's interacted in that school is to talk about god yes exactly the only thing he thinks about at all right yeah Yeah, so, so

David goes, well, you know, prayer was thrown out of school in 1962.

And I wrote in my notes, changes a lot when you add the word coerced there.

It doesn't like

mandatory.

It makes it true.

Yeah.

And actually, the, the sentence itself is fascinating, right?

Because he says, you know, when they threw prayer out of schools in 1962, the Pledge of Allegiance remained.

And like, that's fucking crazy to think that is true.

But like.

How incredibly telling that he views the Pledge of Allegiance as a replacement for prayer.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

It's like that word omission does make a big change like if you're like running was taken out of school in the 60s and then it's actually like no mandatory running like just making everyone run forever until they die or something it's like that word makes a big difference absolutely completely changed and and the movie cannot stand

yes or corporal construction right sorry about that

cruel and unusual with the part yes

so oh there's also this stupid fucking moment i hate this movie so much and i hate everyone involved in it so fucking much.

They're like, wow, how do you know so much about this?

And David has this moment where he's like, as my mom was becoming a legal immigrant through legal writing

through the big beautiful door.

Yes, yes.

He literally, he asked,

this is how badly, this is how clumsily they have to account for their audience's racism.

They're like, and what about your dad?

And he's like, my dad is dead, but.

But don't worry, he didn't deserve it.

He was one of the good ones, too.

Yeah, he was also, he says he was also a a citizen.

Yes.

So don't worry, I'm not an anchor, baby.

You can still be sympathetic towards me.

So, yeah, but at this point, David lets it slip to Maddie that he overheard the principal talking to Vieira's campaign about him coming to the school, right?

So now we cut to her, like she runs the school newspaper, giving out the newspaper with this big scoop about the presidential candidate coming to their school.

And there was no point where the adult that they have helped with the newspaper was like, wait, what?

Is it?

Are you saying the president, the leader in this presidential primary is coming to the school?

Like, no one would have verified that.

She just does it herself.

No, no, you just, you just print it yourself and just do whatever you want.

She goes rogue, much like the reporters that the people who watch this movie are also fans of.

Actually, yes.

I do think that's clear, though, that she goes rogue because there's a picture of a tree with the story, right, that they have to talk about forever.

To reference it 17 times, and I don't don't know why.

I still don't.

Is it a joke?

I think it's a running joke.

It is, but what is the joke?

So the idea here is that, like, she, yeah, she put her story in at the last minute, but they still had the picture from this story about a tree there.

So everybody keeps referring to the tree picture or whatever.

And if it was a running joke, they would escalate it in some way.

It's some illusion of

a running joke crafted by somebody who saw one once in the wild, but doesn't really know what it looks like, you know?

Like when they asked medieval painters to make camels or whatever.

Oh, I just accidentally saw it on the movie.

It's because she did.

Okay, that, sorry, it ruins my whole thing.

She did sneak the story in, and the previous story she subbed it in was tree planting ceremony.

Yeah, exactly.

Okay, my fault.

I didn't understand that very much.

So it's actually pretty great.

Amazing about it.

Yeah.

It's pretty good.

That's my fault.

So, but then the principal shows up.

Well, and that's the other way that you know that she went rogue on it is the principal shows up and he's furious that she's, that she's thrown this story out there and basically threatens her like he's going to kick her ass if she does it again

right

yeah well because he has no other speed other than i will shoot you right this entire school

hey you over there chewing gum i will cut out your tongue that's what i want to get i just read everything right like some kids running in the hall and he's like i'll kill your dad yeah i don't

literally only got one we go into the assembly there's like three kids hanging from the ceiling yeah

jesus christ

it's fucking dark no talking in the light how he reads every line yeah you know why because he's the white leader of a private school that's the atheist

that we all know that archetype everybody that definitely exists also i'm sure i don't think that the maddie character is supposed to be jewish but the fact that the girl who controls the press in this world is named stein bothered me by the end of it you know i was not super comfortable with that.

But then, okay, so but she can't tell her news in the school paper.

So then we cut to like, she's given her news.

She's like surreptitiously given her paper to Emma Saxon, the real reporter from the John Oliver montage, right?

So, and then we get mom being late to pick David up again.

And again, if we're not going for shitty mom, you're like, yeah, my boss keeps being a dick and making me work late.

There's a lot of easy ways to do this, but no, she says, and I quote,

I lost track of time.

Lost track of time.

Lost track of, I don't, I don't get it.

I'm genuinely asking.

Movie, please tell me.

I'm not even doing a bit.

What are you going for here?

Like,

is she just the worst fucking mom ever?

Like, I don't want to bag on a single mom.

That's a hard job.

But if you're two hours late for school and you say, I lost track of time, you're a bad mom.

Like, that's not, I'm sorry.

Like, you might have, if you have an excuse, then, hey, that's out of your control.

If you're working an Amazon fucking delivery job and you had a pee in a bottle and you ran into something and then you got to pick, okay, do that plotline.

But what, what is this?

It would be so easy to make sense of this.

Yeah.

So bad.

But she picks him up late from school.

And we have to do this.

And we've seen this in a million movies.

And this happens constantly when you have bad movies, right?

So he, like, David starts telling her about his problems, but only in the vaguest possible terms.

And then she misinterprets him.

And every time he tries to put specifics to them, she refuses to let him finish his sentence now.

Yes, which is so funny because he's like, yeah, I don't like the things they're making me do at school.

And she has no follow-ups.

Yes.

If Thomas and Lydia Smith were driving their child home from school and one of them said, I don't like the things they're making me do at school,

they would enter through one of the walls of the building and be like, I will be liking these bricks out of the way.

No, let's just clear this rubble.

Oh, look, that's a social studies teacher.

All right, well, let's go have a conversation.

We'll drive right into the principal's office and talk from there.

Right, right.

But she's like, well, whatever they tell you to do, you do it.

And we're like, oh, well, God.

Catholic school administrators watching this movie.

Oh, yeah.

Hello for that young man of scholarship.

So, okay.

So then we check in on Emma.

This is so forced and stupid.

So now apparently Emma Saxon has a work rival named Chris, and he got the big Vieira going to the high school story and she didn't.

Fuck you, movie.

I refuse to care.

Yeah.

Right.

In reality, there's these businesses are down to like two people.

Right.

There's not rival news reporters that are gunning for the big stories, the local news bullshit and station somewhere else.

I mean, like local news barely exists anymore, anyway.

You get like a random company that uses AI to do all their stories, basically.

And she references, she's going to go cover it herself, damn it.

He says, What camera person are you going to take?

And she lists like seven names.

Yeah, she's saying, I'll take Andrew or Bob or Chad or Doug.

What?

This is stupid.

And then we cut to my favorite scene in the fucking movie.

This is fucking

amazing so much because the rival reporter, Chris, is now interviewing none other than

almost best worst cameo, Herschel fucking Walker.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Oh, great.

He's got a big future in politics, Herschel Walker.

Oh, Herschel Walker everybody.

The year is 2020, everyone.

This man is on top of the world.

He's the next big thing in Republican.

And you can, I have the freeze frame right now.

He is got, he is so confident that Herschel Walker.

He look, we don't get much in this world anymore, but we can at least enjoy this, everyone.

We can at least gloat over the fucking weirdest, worst fucking Republican candidate in a long time, thinking in this moment in 2020, he's got a big future.

No, you fucking don't.

I'm legitimately becoming anxious that by the time this podcast comes out on Tuesday, Herschel Walker will be a Supreme Court justice.

I can't.

That's my last straw.

Now, here's my issue as a comedian, as a man, as a husband, as a father.

Here's the thing.

Everything Herschel says in this scene is a mildly problematic bit I would do about his answer.

But, like, in 2016, like, I would do that bit in 2016.

I don't know that I would do those bits today.

Yeah.

So, I don't know how to talk about them without someone being like, I don't know, Eli should do that voice.

I'm not doing a voice.

That's what Herschel Walker said.

Oh my God.

Well, and they have to be so banal here.

So they're like, so you advocate for physical fitness.

He's like, yes, I am pro fitness.

And the, and the senator, and he's like, so do you work out with the presidential candidate?

And I'm like, what a stupid fucking question.

But that's all, what are you, what else you could talk to Herschel fucking Walker about?

And he misses.

He does.

He misses in the fictional movie, right?

Because he misses that in real life.

It's because, no, he doesn't work out.

But he could say, yeah, we work out every every morning together, and then it flash guts to them doing sit-ups.

Instead, he's like, He ready to go, up, up, and away, said the doggy.

Woof, woof, woof.

You're right.

You shouldn't do that more.

That's what he says.

This is the problem, no illusions.

I'm not exaggerating for comedy.

I can play the real audio just to cover you.

Thank you.

Yes, please.

The problem is, you give 100 Americans my audio and then Ocean Walker goes be audio.

I have been trying to make this movie make sense, which is a stupid idea, which is a very stupid idea.

But based on the debate later and who the candidate is, who's clearly a Kamala Harris knockoff, even though it's 2020.

So maybe not.

I don't know.

No, it probably is.

So I'm thinking, maybe this is the Democratic primary.

Maybe that's what it is.

That's why one candidate won't talk about God and the other has plans and is really sharp and is obviously the better candidate.

Maybe it's the Democratic primary.

But now Herschel Walker's campaigning for Vieira and says he shares his values.

So are you telling me that in the Republican primary, in the United States of our Lord, in 2020, that you can't say God in the Republican primary?

Are we really to believe that?

Well, so the thing is, is that we have to acknowledge that this movie goes beyond.

the persecution fetish thing that we that we are familiar with here on godolphin movies all the way to just straight up propaganda right because they like what this movie is attempting to do is to like convince people that this is the world that they live in, that there are places, there are schools that won't let you say under God, and that there are like that presidential candidates aren't really allowed to talk about their faith.

And that Republican presidential candidates are being kept from saying God.

Right.

Are not

yeah.

Well, keep in mind, too, that like being open about God is very often just a shorthand for being homophobic, right?

So, like, oh, in in a lot of ways, this is sort of a stand-in for like speaking for you from your faith is calling those gay people by the F slurs they deserve and shit, right?

That actually makes that make a little more sense.

So, yeah, so really, if I sub in like saying God, it should be like our politicians these days don't just come out and say God hates F slurs.

Yes, exactly.

Okay, that's what I'm supposed to read it to be.

That makes more sense.

Thank you.

I think so.

Yeah.

Oh, for sure.

But the part where they have a black woman in the presidential, Never mind.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

I love it so much.

So, okay.

So then we cut to Biera and his team pregame in the big high school visit.

His aides are reminding him to watch out for all the wokeness,

right?

Yeah.

And I love it because we have the same three quote-unquote Secret Service guards with them all the time.

Yeah.

And what I love about that so much is they're doing the trope that they all wear the sunglasses, but it's clearly just that they're like, Hey, do you have a pair of sunglasses?

Yeah, wear it.

And so they're all wearing like different out-of-style sunglasses.

That was, that got me thinking, like, do they just think that secret service agents, like, hey, eye protection is key?

This sun

does long-term.

You know, like, it's a weird trope that they're always wearing sunglasses indoors.

There's a lot of studies on blue light and the bands that you give your sleep.

Take that seriously.

Even when it like they're indoors and it's low light.

Yeah.

Yep.

They come out of a dark room at one scene, all wear sunglasses.

I'm like, that would make you worse at security.

You would know why Trump almost got killed by the, oh, so close.

Ah, shit.

Someone stabbed him in the dark again.

God damn it.

So, okay, then we cut to principal fucking Brit Thunder or whatever.

He's telling the student body.

It's so crazy.

Like, he's standing on the bottom.

You might as well have armed guards behind him pointing their guns at the kids.

All the realism that the movie ever represented.

Because I don't know about your guys' school assemblies, but all of my school assemblies came out with the vice principal being like, if you talk while these 20-something improvisers try to convince you not to smoke, I'll fucking stab you in the throat.

I promise you.

I don't care what your mom and dad say.

I will get to you.

I will gut you like a fish.

If you fart too loud while these 37-year-old puppeteers are trying to teach you what to do if you get tittled, I will hand

All right, let's give it up for the biggest and players, everybody, all right?

Yeah, so but he gives this banal speech or whatever.

And then in the middle of the speech, so we get David is getting texts from Maddie,

right?

And Maddie's like, now would be the great time to ask your question.

And we're like, what question?

What are you talking about?

Yeah.

Nothing was set up.

There's no

at all.

So in the middle of the speech, David raises his hand and the candidate's like, yeah, why not?

Right.

So he calls on him.

Yeah, sure.

Because look, nothing politicians are willing to do more than take a random child's question in a room full of

people during a campaign event.

Yeah.

But he asked him, he's like, do you think that God should have a place in schools and government?

And Vieira doesn't know what to do.

Politicians are terrified to talk about God.

Republican presidential candidates.

Oh, God, the worst of all.

Never talk about God.

First off, how do you spell that?

Like, what?

God.

Good.

I think you mean good.

I think good deserves to be.

Yeah, but he can't answer.

He hominahomina hominas.

And then the campaign manager goes, no, no, no.

That's the end of that speech.

We're done.

Runs.

I'm coming.

Tires between him and the guy in question or whatever.

He's taking a bullet.

Yeah.

And to be clear, right?

Like, this is supposed to be like a, oh, the candidate really messed up.

And like, David's so brave.

But like, to be clear, there weren't supposed to be questions or interruptions.

It is rude to do that when now that your candidate comes to visit your school.

Right.

And only the kind of person who would use their child as a talking point puppet for their insane religious beliefs would think otherwise.

AKA, the target of this movie.

Also, think about what a fucking banal jackass you have to be in your own fucking mind.

That your dream, your fantasy that you write into your fucking movie is that you have one chance to actually pin a presidential candidate down on an issue that they're slippery about.

And the question that you ask is, do you think God is swell or what?

Who's your favorite?

How much God should there be in your God

school?

So fucking dumb.

So, okay, so after the assembly, the campaign manager is furious with the principal over David's God question.

How dare he?

He said they were good kids.

Yes.

Yeah.

He's like,

you saw me threaten them with AK-47s?

I'm going to kill that kid right now.

There's three dead kids hanging behind me.

Like, I did all I could.

Yeah, I agree.

You did do all you could.

Right.

But K-Sorbs, Kay-Sorbs is so proud of him.

Yeah, he snatches him out and he's like, he snatches him out of the crowd.

And he's like, David, I'm so proud of you for interrupting the assembly to ask your stupid God God question.

And then sure enough, Senator Vieira walks by and he's like, hey,

I'm sorry I didn't answer your question, but you are right that there should be, I mean, obviously our God, right?

You can't got to be specific.

Our God

should be in schools.

And I'm sorry I didn't say that because it's, it's Jews.

The Jews fucking make me not say it.

I just

fucking Jews, you know, David.

Fucking Jews.

All right.

Vote for me.

And this is one of those stupid things.

Jordan Black that we had on last week talked about this.

And it's just one of those stupid fucking things where they want to simultaneously believe that they're persecuted and nobody will let them say what they want to say, but also that everyone agrees with it.

Everyone agrees with it.

Yeah, I love it.

It's so stupid.

So fucking stupid.

So, yeah, so then we cut to Emma.

It's later that night.

She's very disappointed with not getting any hard-hitting footage of the assembly at that school.

But then Maddie anonymously messages her video of David asking his question at the assembly.

Right.

As well as some tasteful nudes.

Yeah.

Well, that, well, she's this whole time they're playing it like when she gets a message, they're playing it like it's deep throat, like it's a source that's like this really secret.

She plays her cards, right?

Yeah.

And they play it.

There is one scene.

I can't remember if it's later or already happened, whatever, but she gets the text from her secret source.

That's, by the way, it's information about a fucking high school.

And she has a look like, hey, act this as though the best-looking man of your dreams just messaged you, like, hey, date night or something.

Yeah, it is spotlight levels of like, got him.

Yeah, she's so turned on.

Yeah.

They spend a minute on her reaction, like, oh, who is this texting me about the high school kid?

Who do you think it is?

Like, well, right, it's video that's shot from within the crowd of high school kids

where the kids were sitting.

Like,

it's probably a kid it must be tom cruise i don't know yeah

it must be glenn powell there we go i thought of the name

people might know

okay but so but now that hits the news and there's chaos and disarray at the v air office they found out that he loves Jesus or what I don't like you know he doesn't love Jesus he's neutral on tasks yeah that's the thing they can't believe that he's gonna talk about it and they're like what you're supposed to be quiet about it.

Yeah, right.

So, yeah.

So, but the campaign managers are like, I can't believe that you said something positive about Jesus.

American voters hate that.

And his wife eventually kicks them out of the room, right?

Yeah.

And she has to like remind him of who he really is deep down.

Yep, because literally everyone agrees with you.

Literally everyone in this movie already agrees with this, except for the principal.

Except for the principal and his son.

The most concerning line is she ends the scene, listen to your heart for once.

Yes, she says

from the wife.

For once.

I wanted so badly for the scene to continue and for him to be like, hey, sorry.

For one.

For once.

Because she's like, I know you've been fucking every single campaign staff you have because that's how it comes across.

Listen to your heart for once.

Like, how many affairs has he had?

Right.

Like, what are we talking about?

We get zero closure because not only does the camera have to fade out, it also has to like slide.

Blur, like it does a blur,

it loses consciousness.

So, right, right.

So, okay, so this is the thing.

In any other movie, that's what that's what I said to Lydia.

I was like, oh, I think the camera actually passed out.

Like, for Pazzi, not for border.

The only time any other movie would do anything remotely like this is if we're looking through the eyes of a character who's passing out, or if we're about to find out that that wasn't reality at all.

And the real reality.

He wakes up from a dream and he turns to her and he's like, I had a dream that you said follow your heart for once.

And she's like, ooh, why would I say that?

And he's like, really honest.

The affairs I was having, I guess.

Or if it was a PG-13 movie and they're about to do like, like a sex scene.

And it's like, yeah,

so we start blurring the skin and then

the camera goes elsewhere.

And that's it.

See, if they're throwing all the stuff off the desk and just raw dogging.

So then, okay.

So then we cut to the principal and he's on the war path, right?

He's still furious about the interruption.

And so he storms into Truman's class and on the whiteboard, it still has that like in blank, but now it's in God we trust.

So the principal comes in and he's like, who wrote that?

And Sorbo goes, you know who.

The one God kid in the school, right?

The only one who says God, yeah.

This school's got like three named characters.

Come on, you know, it wasn't Jonathan.

It's too high up.

He's in a wheelchair.

So,

and this is where Sorbo tells him, oh, we're actually going to have a debate about God in some vague way.

And the principal's like, no, you're not.

And he's like, it was your son's idea.

The principal says, you're lying.

What a weird way to sound.

Like,

I don't think he is, man.

How weird to think he could get away with that lie.

Like,

when someone tells, yeah, the person, the only other person we've seen you talk to said is,

we know that you're going to be able to verify that.

So you really think he's lying?

Right.

And then he says, end this debate or I'll have your replacement.

It's like the reality of trying to get any teacher to do

any overworked poor fucking teacher to do an after-school club.

We're like, hey, can anyone please do debate club?

Oh, fuck.

All right.

I guess I'll do the debate club, even though I'm paid too little and I have no time and I have to provide all the supplies myself.

He's like, no, we've got, you know, how many people we've got dying to do

to take on the after-school debate club.

I mean, the cameramen up at the fucking news shop, they need extra work.

They're just done.

Yeah, they're passing out.

I said the news shop.

I'm so bad at words, right?

Oh, I'm not at the news shop.

To be fair, Noah, when you were growing up, it was.

Boss tweed would send you down with a hay penny.

So, okay.

So then we cut to Jonathan.

Give me all the headlines.

Yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly.

20 each.

And a marijuana cigarette.

They still have.

I'm Noah and I'm 39 years old.

They still had the cocaine and the Coke back then.

Yeah.

So we cut to Jonathan and his, like, Jonathan and his dad are now dropping David off after school because apparently his mom forgot about him again.

And honestly, I wouldn't even mention because this scene never comes back and never matters, but it's so bizarre.

We can't leave it out.

They go in, the son and the kid's dad the the wheelchair kid's dad so keep in mind i'm so sorry to to butt in but keep in mind that another parent is taking a kid home because he's been left at school yes right am i getting this like yeah no that's correct that that's like call the police like that's like a like what are you talking about and they get home go ahead yeah sorry yeah yeah so so they get home and like the car's not there and the door's open and the guy's like do you want me to walk into the so there's been a murder yes there has been a murder's been kidnapped or yeah, exactly.

Like something is wrong.

Something is wrong with his mom.

And I'm, my mind is racing because I'm, I like, this is, I actually love this because they've set something up so stupid that I'm like, what is the plot here?

Did the principal kidnap the mom?

Does the principal have the mom tied up?

If there was just blood here on the wall and it was like, in God, we trust with God crossed out.

And it was like, I made a promise.

I watch that movie.

That makes so much, like, the subtle cues that they've done because they're so bad at this, that makes so much more sense.

And that's what I love about bad filmmaking.

Yeah.

Right.

So he goes into the house with the kid.

And we also should probably point out that like both the house and the kid have phones.

Right.

Like, so we have established.

Because David was getting...

We could say that like David, his family's bored, he doesn't have a phone, but we saw him getting texts earlier from the other kids.

Well, and he's talked to his mom all the time.

His mom called him the first time.

She was going to be late.

Yeah.

Oh, that's right.

Yeah.

We've seen him on his phone several times.

And so we didn't tell the parent.

Yeah, my mom didn't even call me.

I haven't been able to get a hold of her.

I think there's been a murder.

Yeah.

We should call 911 before we go into this murder session.

Yeah, before we walk in, maybe they're still there.

Right.

But instead, we go in and she's crying over the bills because, you know, she's a Christian mom and a Christian.

Reading her mail and crying when her kid has been left at school for hours.

Yes.

Sorry, I was just reading this bill over and over.

I was staring at it.

well he's just so sad

she explains so apparently the car is broken down and it didn't occur to her to call him and tell him that the car was broken down right well she was weeping well she was weeping over the bills that's right so but as she's leaving or as the uh the dad the other kid's dad is leaving she goes like you know oh there's no way to get you back and forth to school and the guy's like oh oh i'll I'll take him back and forth to school.

And she's like, oh, you weren't doing that great of a job to begin with.

Yeah, right.

Even with a car, He didn't exactly nail on that.

I expected her to really lean into that, and she's like, Oh, you know, and there's nobody here to buy a jacuzzi for the backyard.

So, his lunch car DD saw empathy.

It's actually funny because she says thank you, but she's in the middle of doing her big Oscar breakdown speech.

So, she's like, Baby, we have nothing.

And he's like, I can actually drive into school.

And she's like, Okay, I was

so that one thing is

I was kind of on a road.

But yeah, thank you.

Now I'm going to, I kind of have to work back up.

Can I be more sad again?

Are you going to help with anything else?

So then we cut over to the principal with his son.

So like they, they've let.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, though.

I do have to come.

I can't let this go.

This is the breakdown scene, as you say.

And it goes on and on and on.

They just say, hey, just cry hysterically and have water come out of your nose.

Oh, yeah.

No, that's how you know it's like serious, right?

Is because that she has her nose running.

But they have no sense of human earth things.

So it goes forever.

Like it just shows her just like cry.

It looks like they struggle for

three takes together.

Yes.

That's how long it is.

It's like they did a normal take of this scene and then they were like, all three of them were so good.

We're just keeping it.

We're keeping all of it.

She's the worst parent.

But like, are they, are they trying to make her the worst parent ever, do you think?

Or do you, are they that clueless?

Because she does the work.

Look, and it's even more compelling if she's trying to like be, you know, brave for her kid or she's not telling her kid.

That's more compelling.

Oh, no, it's okay.

I just, someone I know died.

And it was just, you know, I'm just tearful because of that.

And, you know, I couldn't make it to like, but no, she's just like, look me in the eyes, son.

We're not going to be okay.

Yeah.

We're dead.

We can't pay for this.

Let's

kill ourselves right now.

Look me in the, no, no.

There's no way for us to get through this.

Stop trying to think of what we're dead.

It's over.

Like, she couldn't emphasize more to this.

I guess we'll see dad again, at least.

And it is the last time.

And I will point out, it is literally the last time we hear from her in the movie.

Her final message of the movie is: it's all God.

So then we cut to Vieira with his Bible.

Apparently, his love of God has been rekindled, and he's like stayed up all night studying his Bible.

It's the night before the last primary debate in his presidential campaign and he's just pulled an all-nighter reading that bible because he loves it so much right i wanted so badly for it to flash cut to the final debate and they're just like so what is your economic plan and he's like here's the thing if they get up within 24 hours then you're good

yeah right you're okay it's fine yeah he got the the campaign manager's like you're gonna do terrible at the debate he goes i don't need sleep i'm awake for the first time in a long time.

And if you've read the Bible, which we all have except Lydia, the idea that there's something in there so compelling that it's marked, he's like, God, it's been too long since I read this.

Like, it's the last book of Harry Potter you were waiting for at the bookshop or something and just stayed up all night reading it.

Like, there's nothing.

Wow, get a load of, have you read?

It's so silly.

There's nothing in it at all that is like that would prompt that reaction.

And the campaign manager basically says to him at this point, he's like, you need to decide what's more important, winning this election or loving Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.

Okay, so now it's time for my favorite scene of the entire fucking movie.

This is David praying to God in the bathroom at school

out loud.

Yeah, he's like, God,

I don't know.

I don't know that I could do this.

And then the bully steps out of the toilet next to him

and is like, shout shouts and laughs.

And he's like, you sure can't.

And then,

and then Kevin Storbo steps out to a third stall and is like, hey, guys, I was all super shitty.

No one washes their hands.

It's so funny.

The bully.

Screamed with laughter.

The bully doesn't wash his hands and then puts his hand on David.

You might as well be doing a big

god.

Yep.

Yeah.

Yep.

Rips Rips his cross necklace.

You don't have to wash your hands after you go to the bathroom, everybody.

You're not doing surgery.

It's fine.

right before Sorbo pops out, too, he goes, Gordon, the bully says, and I quote, you and your ignorant faith are going down in that debate.

So good.

And then David tries to, it's not your fault him or whatever.

He's like, who hurt you, Gordon?

That's when Truman comes and saves him.

All right.

Well, it looks like the all-powerful, almighty, infinite, all-knowing, sovereign ruler of the universe could use a little help.

So, we're going to take another break there.

But first, let me give Act 3 the hard sell.

What exactly are they debating?

Surely they'll clarify that to some meaningful degree before the debate scene, won't they?

Otherwise, what the fuck would this movie even be about?

Find out the answers to only one of those questions when we return for the frantically scrawled conclusion of

One Nation Under God.

Okay, but you're going to get caught.

That's what I keep telling her.

Car accidents happen all the time.

You guys are being ridiculous.

Hey, guys, what's the hubbub?

Well, Lydia keeps hitting people with her car on purpose.

Bump.

I bump them.

Yeah, but still with your car, though, hon.

It just looks so funny.

Yeah, Lydia, that doesn't sound like a great habit.

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All right, Lydia, thanks.

So, you guys ready to finish the record?

I sure am, but let's hurry.

The crossing guards go home around 4:30.

You're hitting crossing cards?

No, but they're snitches.

Got it.

I'm.

I don't know how to tell you, but the car is gone.

We have no money.

I don't know what to do.

Oh, mom, we'll figure something out.

Sorry, couldn't help but overhear.

If you'd like me to bring David to school, I'd be happy to.

Oh, Banko.

You are so kind.

Really, it's nothing.

Now, let's get you something to eat, David.

Lord knows I have not been able to do a food shopping, but.

Sorry.

Chase, Mr.

Wilson?

It's just we already ordered pizza, and there's always too much for me and Josh anyway.

Why don't you join us?

Oh, too kind, Mr.

Wilson.

Too kind!

Wow, mom, I haven't seen anybody help out this much since dad died.

You know, I could be your new

too far.

Okay, okay.

Just

still pizza, though?

Do you still pizza?

No?

Okay.

And we're back for still more of this shit.

We're going to open on the fucking first of Act Three's debates.

There will be two.

Right.

This is the final presidential primary debate between Vera and an evil black lady.

More debates in this movie than there were between Kamala and Trump, right?

Oh, there were.

Well, yeah.

They don't show it, but he quits the other debates and says that it's not fair and goes on Joe Rogan instead.

What I love is that even in their own movie, they lose the debate.

Absolutely.

What I love is the time dilation thing.

This is a four-minute debate, right?

But the question, the single question in this debate is how do we fix the American dream?

And we, we cut to, we, we cut, like, I guess the, the Palabra has already answered that question, right?

So now it's time for Vieira to do it.

She might as well just be like, blah, blah, blah, black lady words.

All right.

His turn.

Yep.

So, but then she's, he's, he goes, like, well, you know, what is the American dream?

I'm like, yeah, right.

It's a meaningless fucking question.

And then he starts talking about how the real problem is all these broken homes and all the divorce.

Yeah.

And we're like, oh, really?

Okay.

And then he's like, and we need to do something about poverty.

I'm like, oh, so he's a Democrat now or he's not.

And he's, and then I realized that no, he's blaming lack of family cohesion for the poverty.

Yeah, that's the root.

Yeah, exactly.

So it's okay.

He's a Republican.

Yeah.

And the other candidate in this Republican primary

thinks that's all bullshit and really you need plans and science.

Like what?

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, so yeah, the opponent attacks his daughter, right?

He's like, oh, look, here's a picture of your daughter being terrible.

Oh, oh, wait, no, his daughter is doing what?

Was she protesting something that we set up?

Was she saying something that we set it up?

No, no, no.

Drinking.

Yeah, she was calling.

They just flash a a picture.

We don't see what it is.

We didn't even like see what it is.

Literally, we're like, what was that?

That was a cup, like a solar cup.

I went back.

She's holding a cup.

Yeah, but yeah.

You have to stop and examine it.

The movie thinks everyone knows what that is.

I guess they will have seen all the news stories about the kids.

We get a longer shot of Brad Pitt's dick in fight clubs than we get of his daughter holding a cup in this movie.

So this movie plays in a lot of ways.

Like the first cut was three hours and 15 minutes long.

And they had to just, oh, they had to cut out the entire mom plot line, and they had to cut out the daughter plot line or whatever, but it's just really poorly written.

But yeah, and then, and then when she's done attacking, because you know how in American politics, they love it when you attack people's families.

Then she starts attacking his religion and calls him Pastor Weston, yeah, right, right.

You're so Christian, which is such a great attack for Republican politics.

Oh, yeah,

right, yeah.

And so, but now this is where, like, Vieira's going off script, and the campaign managers managers are going nervous.

So he's like, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I wasn't more Jesus-y the whole time.

And then the crowd goes wild.

Also, are they hosting this debate?

They're hosting it at the high school.

Clearly, yeah.

For some reason, it's the only venue in the entire town.

The only venue.

Well, they keep shooting the exterior shot of a castle.

Yeah, a castle.

Is that the problem?

Oh, that's the private fucking idea.

You know know how the private atheist schools look like that?

They're always castles.

Yeah, but Palabra here, at this point, she might as well just be going, stupid Christian says what?

Her actual question, just imagine this in American politics.

She says, How do you plan on applying?

He's talking about the Bible and all the wisdom of the Bible.

She says, How do you plan on applying ancient Hebrew texts in a democracy in the 21st century?

Forget Republican primary.

You couldn't say that in a Democratic primary.

Absolutely not.

No.

Unbelievable.

So fucking silly.

Yeah.

And Bier is like, you know, well, if everybody was Christian, they would all be a little bit better than they are and everything would work out.

And I'm like, that's literally utopianism, man.

You're defining utopianism, you fucking idiot.

The actress playing the other candidate is like,

this is what they're doing with the movie?

Do I win then?

Like, I guess I win.

I didn't know that.

I thought I lost.

Yeah.

See, he goes like, basically, he goes, like, imagine how much better the country would be if everyone shared my religion.

End of debate.

Jesus.

Gordon, the bully, turns to David because, of course, all the kids are at the debate, right?

Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, of course.

Well, they would let all the kids be there.

It's their school, after all.

And he goes, you just cost fear of the presidency.

And David is sure-bummed about that.

He says, the esteemed alum.

Yeah, that's how kids talk.

You just cost our esteemed alum the presidency.

Oh, yeah.

So, like, let's, we should probably point that out at least.

They're having this debate at this school, which is this, the high school where one of the two candidates graduated and not the other.

What?

Well, is it like a home and away thing?

I just agree.

Oh, right.

They had one at her office.

Yeah, she got to call the coin.

Yeah.

She decided which side of the stage she would defend.

Then we, after the debate, we get,

this might be my favorite scene, the whole thing is the line of reporters.

Oh, god.

Ridiculous.

So they go cut down side, which is a trope that I think it works sometimes where it's just like, oh, you hear a little bit of the report, but normal filmmakers that are at all competent know you just kind of catch a line here or there off to the side.

This movie has not one, not two, not three, not four, probably seven reporters.

Yeah.

And they each say a line and then question roll up.

And then it goes, yes, and it goes to the next reporter and they like answer whatever they said.

They say the next line.

So bad.

They damn near just finish each other's sentences.

It's so stupid.

Each one of them says the next line of the line.

It's amazing.

And then at the very end of it, after this big line of reporters, we get David and Jonathan, and they're all talking.

And David's like, I'm sure sad about ruining Vieira's election.

And Vieira comes out and he says, hey, I'm actually really proud of you.

And David's like, didn't we already do this scene?

I could have sworn we did this scene before the break, right?

At the school.

And he's like, yeah, we did.

Weird.

Well, and he's sad that he ruined his campaign because the whole audience loved it a lot and everyone loves it and everyone agrees with him all the time.

Except like, yeah, again, yeah.

So, okay.

So then we get like it's later on.

David is waking up and he's just buried in books about the American Revolution because he's studying so hard from the debate.

And you know how when you're studying really hard, you're reading several books at the same time until you physically collapse beneath the weight of it.

Yeah.

He also will never mention the American Revolution.

No, we sure won't.

He sure the fuck won't.

So, okay, so it's debate day today, and we cut to the local news, and one of the reporters has to cover the God debate at the local high school.

Yeah, because of how robust.

Well, they're just teaming with staff there.

Well, they got to do something with all of those cameramen.

Yeah.

So, but Emma, who has been tipped off that the presidential candidate might show up, she says, Oh, I'll take that assignment that nobody wants.

So, all right.

So, then we get David.

He's showing up to the school for the debate, and it's packed.

Just the entire city has come out to hear him defend God.

Jonathan's trying to give him a pep talk.

He's like, hey, man, the facts are what win debates.

And I'm like, I bet we make an exception for this movie, though.

Huh?

Where in real life, there would be one parent at the debate.

Right.

And it wouldn't be David's.

Yeah.

If a teacher said you get extra credit if you go, then like three kids from a class would be three kids failing would be asleep in the front.

Right.

Yeah.

Also, look.

We're going to talk about the food in a second because it is Thomas's best words.

But because it's going to matter.

Don't worry.

It's going to matter.

It's going to be the plot of this movie.

But David is just eating a sandwich during the prep to this scene.

And I was like, why is he eating a sandwich?

Because it makes no sense.

It does eventually.

But we watch

eight minutes of a movie where he's just like,

sure, I'm nervous.

And I'm like, what do you mean before a fucking live show?

Stuffing chex mix into my mouth, throwing you rather into talking about the power.

So, but Maddie, she's reporting on the whole thing, and she comes up and she kisses him on the cheek at this point, which, again, as Eli pointed out, like he has not shown any romantic interest in her whatsoever.

It's because he's a bad actor.

Yeah.

And they're supposed to be high schoolers, right?

Like, these are pre-sexual teens.

Again, if they were eight, I get it.

It's a very cute thing for eight-year-olds to do.

But she's like,

and he's like, oh, salt.

Okay.

I love my sandwich.

So as someone who's known Heath for a a while, it made a lot of sense.

Yeah, right.

And then he says, even though he's shown absolutely no interest in her and his face says he doesn't understand like human interaction at all and he has no sexual interest in her whatsoever, then he says it had to be tuna fish.

Right.

And we see the fucking sandwich.

We do.

Which might as well be a stew.

Honestly, it might as well be a stew.

It might just be a steaming bowl of stew right there because the sandwich is clearly fucking like turkey or something.

Like it's a

cold cut and lettuce.

That's what you see in it.

Yes.

Now, Thomas, I hate to disagree with you, but I have an alternate take on this line that I want to pitch you.

I think he's into dudes and he like hates that a girl likes it.

Like, oh, it had to be tuna fish.

Oh, my God.

David.

Jeez.

It makes more sense.

It does, actually, because it's not fucking tuna fish.

So, okay.

So, but then the principal comes up, and he's got to shoo all the other kids away so he can have a one-on-one with David.

It's awful because he tells the wheelchair kid to take his seat during this.

Go find your seat.

I think he's found it, man.

He's really found a seat.

That is so good.

So this is where the principal offers to buy his sandwich for $2,000,

right?

He's trying to convince him to throw the debate.

We have already established there's an $8,000 scholarship on the line.

So $2,000 to throw a debate worth eight grand is not a very good offer whatsoever.

Not a great offer.

What if you were one of the other kids in the debate club and you're like, wait, sorry, what?

They just did volunteer to do a debate that wasn't like in the schedule and there's an $8,000 scholarship and that kid wants to do it.

What?

Huh?

Also, how do you throw a debate?

And the guy goes, here's my points.

And you go, wow, that guy fucking nailed it.

I give off.

I just grew up from how good that guy's points.

It's not a boxing match.

He can't lie down.

That would have been great if he just lies down, right?

Holds on to Logan Paul for a couple of rounds.

Yeah, right.

But he explains that

the principal explains that if he wins this debate, he'll never graduate from the fancy school and he'll make sure that both him and his mother never succeed at anything ever as long as they live.

And he'll strangle a puppy and piss on its grave.

So insane.

Okay, and I know it's just because David can't act, but David's reaction does genuinely seem to be: I mean, that guy gave me a really good price for my sandwich, and then he was

super mean about it.

I don't know what's going on with him today.

Like, I genuinely believed that David, the character, did not understand that was a prime.

Yes.

Expensive sandwich.

He almost accidentally acts correctly.

Like, because this would be so bewildering for a kid.

You'd be like, what?

What are you talking about?

Right, right.

Also, the killer line that his authority reaches to the sky as he's standing up.

He's standing up as to demonstrate the sky.

He's higher.

He remains the height of his chair.

Yeah, yeah.

If you even try to win this stuff.

I'm sorry, this game is so dumb.

So, meanwhile, okay, in the creepiest side story of this entire entire fucking movie.

So Maddie has been the deep throat throughout this movie for Emma Saxon, the local reporter

extraordinaire.

But now, but they decided to meet at the skybridge of the school during the debate.

So now we cut to the skybridge at that meeting.

Right.

And we have like we have to establish that Maddie thought her contact was a grown man, right?

She walks up to the grown man.

Why would you think

your contact about the high school stuff?

And you're like, oh, who's it going to be?

What dark and handsome?

It's actually more disturbing if you think if it's like a grown man.

Yeah.

Like reporting

high school.

Like the only acceptable thing would be if the reporter had the police ready to arrest whoever this is.

Exactly.

Arrest that man.

He's been asking me private stuff about what kids are doing.

It's fucking weird, man.

It's weird.

Right.

So, but we also learn as they're chatting that the senator that Senator Vieira is tanking in the polls because of all of this Jesus love.

It's not looking good for him.

But this is also where he shows up for the debate, right?

They're standing in the Skypers so they can see him showing up.

And Maddie's like, suddenly, she's like, wait, where's my phone?

Now, throughout this entire movie, she's been carrying around her phone with a little USB, or not USB, but a little microphone attachment sticking out of it.

On the top, which is weird.

I don't know what the phone is.

Right.

But she's interviewing everybody with her phone throughout.

And now it's missing.

Wherever could it be?

Yeah.

Right after the principal made a big threat.

Big monologue threat.

So now it's time for Act Three's second debate.

Great writing here.

Fuck yeah.

Let's do this.

So Kevin Sorbo is introducing it.

And at this point, he says, the proposition is, and we're all like, yes, what the fuck is the proposition?

We're dying to know what the goddamn proposition is.

He says, the proposition is, in God we trust.

What?

That's so meaningless.

It cannot be debated.

You cannot be for or against that proposition.

There's a in fighting, like if something weird happens, sometimes there's a no contest result.

Like you can have like a win a lot.

Yes.

You just be like, oh, okay.

I guess no contest.

We can't have it.

And it's not a debatable proposition.

Well, damn, everybody got out here for nothing.

Yeah, but he elaborates, in case that doesn't make any sense, Kevin Sorbo elaborates.

He says, does God belong in our schools?

Are we still one nation under God?

And I'm like, well, at least those are questions, but still, those are not debatable propositions.

Nothing is defined.

Yeah, but I'm ready for the kid to be like, oh, I was reading about the fucking founding and shit.

Those have nothing to do with that.

We made

a lot of merit for this.

What does it mean to be one nation under God?

1492.

Yeah, God, Jesus.

It's so fucking stupid.

And then, like, we spend a bunch of time with Kevin Sorbo laying out the rules that they will not follow from that point on.

It's so funny.

You know, each side gets this much time.

Yeah, he's like, each side will

actually, they're just going to kind of talk back and forth.

David, mostly after the debate ends, I'm going to give him another time to talk that doesn't count.

Yeah.

But I'm still going to do it.

Like it's the debate.

We call that the shower fight section of the debate.

Get in those last points.

So, okay, so David opens.

He also gets to close, which is a night, that's like a nifty trick that he gets.

But he opens by saying that he believes God should be recognized in schools again.

Okay.

What does that mean?

Like if he walked through, people should be able to say, hey, guys, that's it.

Well, no, you see, it answers the proposition, in God we trust.

Oh, in the affirmative, I guess.

Yeah.

He says the Bill of Rights gives us the right to do so.

And I'm like, to the extent that you have it, right?

And then he says, and if anybody has any fucking thoughts on what the hell this is all about, just shout them out.

He says, quote, religion is the foundation on which the sciences are built.

So, you know how we figured out that the earth actually is unrolled like a scroll, and so therefore, at the end of it,

roll back on.

Yeah.

Firmaments.

It's the foundation in the same way that, like, if someone's like, oh, who's that over there?

And I'm like, I don't know, Bill Clinton.

And then they look and they're like, oh, no, it's my friend Todd.

They're like, well, but I helped you.

I started you off by

know

because of i my first work that i did

so and also he he gives them the argument from many authors and philosophers were christian yeah he says we can't enjoy literature unless we believe in god like the authors and i wrote in my notes so that's why i didn't like american gods i was always wondering because you know god dude so really dug that one well so but and and

the other thing is this that like many authors and philosophers weren't.

Right.

Like, so if we line it up, like, I think, I think, like, for, you know, in terms of percentage, I think the Jews win in terms of great philosophers and authors.

Right.

So it's, it's, this is getting really abstract.

Like, it's impressive.

We've got an incoherent debate topic

over which we're now hearing incoherent arguments.

So it's, but it's like, okay, who wins?

I don't

fucking know.

They can't possibly all be arguing the same proposition, right?

Like, there's no proposition that all three of his arguments would serve.

It's insanity.

And then Gordon stands up for his opener, right?

And he starts talking about completely different shit.

He's talking about the founding.

He says that the Constitution is secular, which is correct.

He says God is unknowable and teaching about him in schools, it would like schools are about knowing shit.

And I'm like, yep.

And then I guess that's like.

He accidentally wins the debate easily, but we're not acknowledging.

Right.

Well, Gordon keeps doing that.

Well, he does make one bad point that's so indicative of what they're thinking.

He's like, look, whatever you think about God, he's invisible.

So we shouldn't be talking about him.

This is so dumb.

Well, and so David gets about three minutes for his opening statement.

Gordon only gets 38 seconds, right?

Because this is a shower fight.

So David rebuts.

But he is allowed to stand up during his day.

Oh, that's right.

You're right.

I wanted him to just be off mic.

He's like, thank you.

Here's what I think about God.

One thing you gotta do is your God doesn't belong here around these parks.

I'll tell you that right now.

One thing that I learned in my time as school person is if you're gonna go and talk about God in school district, you're gonna sit in your friend T early in the morning.

And in addition, the debate fucking teacher who's in charge of this whole thing has so obviously been favoring David the whole time.

All right, so first we have the good-looking, amazing, gives him like a massage.

Super smart kid right behind him, wiping it.

He's like Don King back in the day with the boxers.

And we've got David.

And then he's like, and then this other fucking shit kid.

Yeah.

He's going to say his

stupid thing.

Fuck.

That's what he sounds like.

Anyway,

fucking moron.

So who won?

We get David's rebuttal here.

It's so good.

He starts, he says, and I quote, the U.S.

was conceived one nation under God.

And I'm like, the fuck it was.

What does that even mean?

He says, that's why Lincoln included the phrase in the Gettysburg Address.

I'm like, oh, yes, that foundation document.

That thing that happened, that's how they launched the nation.

Oh, is it?

They're like, he had like a bottle and he was like breaking it on like a ship, like the nation.

He's like, Under God, go forth nation.

And that's what that was about.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

So then he tells the glorious history of the Pledge of Allegiance.

We come to like the audience.

Principal Thundercock is just furious because he's doing good, right?

He's not throwing the debate like he's supposed to.

And we all know, because we're atheists, we all know that that was added to the fucking pledge in 1952.

And it wasn't the founders.

It wasn't all that.

Nope.

But I love it because he quotes Eisenhower and he tries to make it like Eisenhower was merely commenting on it in 1952.

Like, you know, it's like it goes back forever.

But like Eisenhower just said about

1952.

Yeah, he's like, you know, the thing we definitely have done forever since the founding, it's great.

But he's talking about when Eisenhower signed the bill to for the very first time.

It's so good.

Which completely refutes his argument.

And I think we can all agree that Eisenhower always made great decisions.

Historically, we look back on Dwight D.

Eisenhower's choices as cash money

especially with regards to the Cold War.

Yeah.

I mean, there's no Asian people in the school.

That's all I'm saying.

So then Gordon, like, I guess, on rebuts, right?

So he, he said, he's like, he actually, now that we're talking about the pledge, he can't help but win the argument again.

He points out how shitty it is that we force kids to affirm the existence of a monotheistic God every morning, right?

Yeah.

That's true.

It is shitty.

It is, yeah, yeah.

But, but then he says that and he's like, and that's why religion shouldn't be allowed in our schools.

And I'm like, no, man, that's why we shouldn't say the fucking pledge.

That's the wrong thing.

So then David D unrebuts, and he says, sorry, I had to add a lot of them by the end.

I saw that.

I love it.

I got all of them.

Yeah.

But then David argues, he says, this is so fucking dumb.

In the absence of belief,

we have nothing.

and honestly, I've never heard this argument before.

Power to this movie for bringing some new shit.

But he's like, if you don't allow religion into schools, then you can't even say stuff like, try and you will succeed, because that takes faith, right?

That's a faith statement.

Yeah, I wrote in my notes, oh, it's the guy who called in when Noah was on Austin Atheists.

Yeah.

And that's why we shouldn't have the Pledge of Allegiance say, in try and you will succeed, we trust.

It's not even the same thing.

We're not talking.

Nope.

It's so dumb.

Well, David points out, he's like, atheism is a religion in so much as believing things is a religion.

So when you don't say the word God at all times, you're actually religioning at me every time you don't say God.

When the Supreme Court declared that atheism was a religion, that's a new one on me.

Yeah, in 2005, they gave me Wisconsin Supreme Square.

But then Gordon anti-T.

Henry Pots and he goes, and I quote, faith is not real.

Well,

this is the part where Gordon has to throw the match, right?

Because David's arguments have been so absurd.

Let's keep in mind that the floor that David just reached was, let there be peace on earth is a prayer.

Yes.

So in order for Gordon to lose, even according to this audience, he now needs to stand up and say, almost exact quote, I will succeed and you suck my ass ball.

Right.

Like, yeah, his losing it line here is: people like me will always be successful, and people like you will always be led by people like me.

Yeah, I just have to point out one other thing about this debate, which I just found so funny.

I was weeping with laughter.

Several times to sort of make his point, David pulls out the check he got from the principal and is like, I can't be bought, except him and the principal are the only people that know what the fuck that was.

Yeah.

So I wanted so badly for one of those times when he did it for someone from the audience to just be like, what is that?

I know.

That's like the third time you've referenced it.

I think you're trying to make a point, but none of us could possibly know what it is.

Is that from elsewhere in the movie we're in?

So, okay, so then

David disantied the unrebutted and

he goes, there's one thing my opponent lacks,

faith.

And then the strings start to rise.

And he starts to tell us about faith.

He says, faith can't be measured or shaken.

And I'm like, it can definitely be shaken.

That's a whole, there's a phrase for that.

He says, we can accomplish anything with our faith.

And I'm like, balance a fridge on your chin then.

That's my standard command at that point.

And then he just sits a push in nonsense words.

But the rising strings assure us that they are profound.

Right.

I started to, you guys remember that Keyan Peel sketch where he's like, you can literally fly.

Go up to your rooms right now and jump.

That's what I was writing in my notes at this point.

You can fly.

So, yeah, but David's, he's like, you know, will we allow our faith to be pushed out of every aspect of our lives?

Which, again, what they're trying to actually do is push their faith into every aspects of our lives, but they can't actually say that because Even they would recognize they're the bad guys if they phrase it that way.

So they just, you know, live in opposite fucking world here and imagine that it was always there.

But the audience goes crazy.

Clearly, he is, he has them on his side.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, like earlier in the debate, someone even yelled, you're the man after David was

oh, yeah.

Uh-huh.

Now it's time for the post-debate extra pump, right?

Yeah, Kevin Serbo comes out and he's like, All right, everybody, debate's over.

We all agree that this good kid beat this shit kid.

Okay,

the judge's done.

But, Gordon, do you have anything else you want to say?

And they do another

round.

Another little mini extra.

But notably, it's while he's already handed it to the judge.

Like, he says, well, while the judges are voting, and then the like at the end of his second bonus round, the judges render their decision.

I'm like, did that count toward it?

Yeah, right.

Clearly, it can't because they've already handed him the piece of paper by the time David's done.

It's like if after the boxing match, they're like, all right, now while the judges are evaluating, do you want to punch him if you want to

stand up?

Do you want to punch each other other a little bit?

We're adding the scores up.

Yeah.

I don't know that, Cal.

I'm being honest with you.

I don't know, but do you want to?

Okay, I guess.

And again, of course, they give Gordon 21 seconds and they give David a minute and a half.

And this is to me, this is the best indicator of how bad the filmmaking here is because David gives another rising strings monologue.

Like, like 21 seconds after the last one.

Why?

It's already over.

The debate is over.

Why are we still talking and it doesn't he doesn't say new shit there and he gets like the the audience gives him a second standing ovation and every it's like it's like you can't you can't do that and and like the the point he's making now is i guess this debate is without merit he says like because because god is in this school whether you like it or not And I'm like, yes, none of this bullshit matters even in your own worldview.

Correct.

Yes.

So badly.

So badly for the judge.

Oh, and I have the judges' decision.

They wrote, this doesn't make any sense, and how would we decide who won this game?

There were no rules.

There was no question.

There were no arguments.

That's anticlimactic.

Anyway, the kid we all hate lost.

The proposition was not a meaningful statement.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, it's unanimous.

They just drew a picture of David beating up Gordon.

Think that means he won?

Yeah, David won.

There is a God they discovered at the school.

I just, I'm sorry, I wrote in my notes at this point.

And I know, like, I'm sure a lot of people have thought this before, but I think this is the first time it really occurred to me.

Imagine if we as atheists made a bunch of movies where we just won arguments against Christians.

Right?

Like, I don't think there's any cinema that fits into that niche.

That is such a fucking pathetic thing that they do.

Noah.

No, it's pathetic.

Noah, you've just had a billion dollar idea because we've always thought, what should we do for God Awful Movies, the movie, right?

They've always parodied themselves.

Our God Awful's Movies, the movie is just god is dead it's just about a plucky young atheist who wins the defeat

against

this a billion dollar idea no damn damn damn damn damn and we can take right-wing money for this because madison media fund offers grants this stupid production company behind the eastman dilemma which is a fake movie that we just did

and we can get money from them

there is actually that noah and it's called the west Wing, and it's by the

hack writer to cover.

There's literally a whole video where this hack fucking writer puts in his.

Because you're replacing Carrie, you have to attack the things we love.

Fucking president, whatever his name is like, oh, chapter and verse, huh?

We get fucking stupid.

I love the West Wing.

That's such a good writer.

You're allowed to like the West Wing.

You're allowed to live in a world where we win and we get to say how we feel.

So for once.

So now

the debate is over, and principal steel nuts thank god yeah right he's he stops his son gordon to like sensei crease him at the end without getting away with uh

that's exactly what it was he's like i no longer love you son you lost the debate and he's like but dad i love jesus and i always have

and then he goes to to david and david's like i'll never deny who i am and then he pulls out maddie's phone turns out he was recording the principal when he was delivering his ridiculous over-the-top, I'm going to rape your mother threats.

Yeah, well, you say he was, but no, the phone was just there.

does he know, A, that it was recording?

B, he can unlock it.

C, he knows how to play.

Like,

right.

I want

the version.

Why do we fucking bother?

I know it, because it was unintentional of Maddie.

And so does she just have it recording like while she's walking up to him to kiss him on the cheek?

Like, I think what what we're supposed to believe is that he stole her phone from her while she was kissing him and surreptitiously recorded this.

But, like, pickpocket.

Yeah, but I'm with you.

I want the version of this where he's like, not so fast, principal.

He pulls out the phone and he like realizes that Maddie has to unlock it for him.

And then they have to figure out where the file was saved.

And then they have to listen to the, through like the 17 minutes of weird audio to find out.

He's still been recording this whole time.

Right, yeah.

Go back and rewind through the debate and stuff.

No.

Yeah, but now that the whole school has heard that threat, he's on his way out and he yells like he's like, You fucking poor kids.

Yeah,

he literally says, You have no place in this school or this society.

Lottery kids.

Unbelievable.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Yeah.

And then, like, and then the presidential candidate comes up to him and he says, I was a lottery kid, too.

You're going to be all right, kid.

And like, five of the kids say in unison, hail to the chief, including Low, my favorite.

I talk now.

Three lives in the movie.

All right.

So now the evening news is talking all about the debate.

Voters, it turns out now, they've changed their mind because, you know, because David proved that God exists and belongs in our country and our schools or whatever.

So now they love Vieira's Christianity thing.

Yeah.

They even like Emma actually says in the news at this point, she says, people are loving Vieira.

He's no longer catering to the masses.

What?

Finally, a candidate that doesn't say what more people like.

Yes.

But he is, though.

Like, he's doing it by espousing the majority belief.

They're so close.

They're so close to their fundamental bullshit that you've already identified that's in all their movies that they're simultaneously the biggest victims, but everyone agrees with them.

They're so close.

It's Schrodinger's fucking Christian, finally, a candidate that will stand up to everyone who agrees with him.

That, but he will also no longer

disagree.

Oh, fuck.

Lost it again.

So, and then also, look, I have to point this bit out too.

Emma's like, you know, and it all started when this kid, David Gutierrez, asked his question.

I'm like, he's a high school kid.

You're going to say his full fucking name on the school, on the fucking news about this controversial.

What the fuck are you doing?

So then, okay, speaking of the weird time space that this fucking movie exists in.

I know we have the same note.

I'm sure we have the same note.

We cut to campaign headquarters where the votes are coming in at.

Three in the afternoon.

Very quickly.

Yes.

For several different states in no relation to each other.

Now, Super Tuesday is a cluster fuck, but they're doing it like it's the stock market.

Oh, it's up five.

Whoa, we're down three over here.

Oh, no, we're back up seven.

Like, what are you fucking talking about?

He goes, Ohio is climbing.

There goes Florida.

It's

those are the actual.

It's like, it's a prime theory, guys.

Cuts to footage of deep impact.

Yes.

So, but then the voiceover cuts in, and it's like, and Vieira went on to win the nomination.

And Mr.

Truman, Kevin Sorbo, took the principal's job.

And the first thing he did, once he did,

he put Under God back in the pledge.

Yeah.

And then referred to all the kids as future convicts.

He says some warning announcements.

Yeah, it's like the sneaky thing that I don't know if it was in the script or if he was just like,

but it's like one of those, like, oh, you barely hear him say, all right, future convicts.

What?

Yeah.

Yep.

Okay.

So, and then, of course, we close on all the kids pledging allegiance to the flag, which is objectively creepy as all fuck, but with the God in it.

Yeah.

I wish they had just done it, but like, I under God, to the God, under God, which we got.

Breathing the Bregon.

One God under nation.

Under God.

Also, David stops looking at the flag while he's doing it because he has to look straight into that camera.

Oh, he does.

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

Mugs up.

All right.

Well, that does it for the movie.

Thomas, Lydia, thank you so much for suffering alongside us this week.

And quick, before we let you go, can you let our listeners know who aren't familiar with it a little bit more about Where There's Woke, about the podcast you guys could do together?

Yeah, the podcast that Eli has been on several times.

Can't remember the name of, though.

What the woke?

Yes.

Have you ever heard a story or seen a story about like, hey, professor referenced that black people exist and got fired and murdered by all the woke students

and you're like several of them.

That doesn't sound right.

And then when we look into it, it's actually that the professor was openly calling students racial slurs and that's why they got fired.

But somehow it went down, and all of the media is the other thing, and no one ever corrects the record.

Well, that's what we do on our show.

We try to correct the record on those bullshit things.

And sometimes we have very fun conversations about how Elon Musk pretended to be good at gaming with One No Illusion.

Quite a bit of fun.

Or how the woke are coming for DND with Eli Boswell.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, now consider yourself the fuck tease.

Check the link on the show notes if you want to hear more from it.

Lydia Thomas, thanks again.

And well, that's going to to do it for our review of One Nation Under God.

That's not going to do it for the episode just yet because we still need to assure everyone we have not learned from our mistakes.

So Eli, tell us what's on deck.

Well, Noah, as you know, friend of the show Michael Marshall and best friend of the show Cecil Something Italian have started a new podcast about Joe Rogan.

Well, sadly, asking them to review one of his stand-up specials is against the Eighth Amendment.

So we'll be taking on one of his favorite guests together, and we'll be watching the documentary, Alex's War.

Oh, God damn it.

All right.

So, with that to look forward to, we're going to bring episode 490 to a merciful close.

Once again, a huge thanks to Thomas and Lydia for helping out.

Be sure to check the show notes to hear more from them.

And perhaps even a huge thanks to all the Patreon donors that helped make the show go.

If you'd like to cut yourself among their ranks, you can make a per episode donation to patreon.com slash godaffle and thereby earn early access to an ad-free version of every episode.

You can also help us done by leaving a five-star review and by sharing the show on all your various social media platforms.

And if you enjoyed this show, be sure to check out our sibling shows, The Scathing Idiot Citation Nated DD Minus, and The Skeptic available wherever podcasts live.

If you have questions, comments, or cinematic suggestions, you can email Godophilmovies at gmail.com.

Tim Robertson takes care of our social media.

Our theme song was written and performed by Ryan Slotnick of Vivalda's on Mars.

All the other music was written and performed by our audio engineer, Morgan Kirkham, and was using permission.

Thanks again for giving us a Trinky Life this week.

For Heath Enright, Neli Bosnick, I'm an illusion's project to work hard to earn another trend next week.

Until then, we'll leave you with a breakfast club close.

Emma Saxon continues on the high school beat and tries to pull off a Josie Grossie, never been kissed undercover story, but gets caught and sent to jail.

Good.

Yeah.

Where she should be.

David's mom doesn't pick him up from the debate, and she's not still there to this day, and she still sucks.

They never resolved it at all.

Both start love interest girl from the beginning eventually learned that her true love interest was herself.

Kevin Sorbo wasn't crying in his trailer, he has allergies.

It's not a trailer, Kevin.

It's not a trailer.

That's the bathroom, and we all need to use it.

If I live in the car, then it's technically a trailer.

Nailed it on that copy, Liddy.

I know that.

I was going to say,

you absolutely crushed that copy, and then immediately afterwards, Eli fucked up his

single sentence or whatever.

He's got one sentence.

And I'm just thinking to myself, wow, she fucking crushed that copy.

And then Eli's like, all right, Libya.

Thanks, guys.

Hey, hun, you're on the shows enough now that I can make you do the ad read.

Yeah.

Fuck yes.

Sweet.

You've just given me an idea.

If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken couldn't get more golden, think golder.

Because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here.

Made for your chicken favorites at Participate in McDonald's for limited time.

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490: One Nation Under God

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